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Journal Snippet: May 28 - August 15, 2024 | Samuel Joshua Pe's Writing

35% of the original material has been redacted.


May 28, 22:56:28
Canine Exhilaration: An Acorn Symphony


A dog watched hundreds of acorns scattered about on the grass. Hundreds of other grass particles were spread on the land. It was a distribution on a scale never before seen, and the dog's simplest reaction was to scream in the form of repeated, emphatic barks. This was worth hollering about, dancing about, and singing about, but the dog's mere tools were his four legs, head, and the rest of his canine body. How could a dog further express his exhilaration? He leapt and barked with a euphoric tone in repetition. This was enough for him, as he ran around incessantly before letting himself rest in the shade under a tree. The acorns were all around, and he was surrounded by them, in a manner similar to a human child's relationship with his mother's hug.


May 28, 23:02:33
Pillow Combat: A Canine Adventure


A dog adventured forth, his little arms straddling a pillow below his torso. He knew well to test this pillow's fortitude before combatting it with its explorative attacks, tapping at it and biting it like it was a stuffed toy. Though it was. It was gently made enough for him, and his voice echoed such a feeling. In this place, he was fighting off foes while discovering new places beyond his means. It was a place of peace. In other words, bark bark.


May 28, 23:08:33
Anticipation at the Dog Park Clearing


I viewed hundreds of dogs at a clearing. Not a single one of them knew what it was that I was there for, but I knew what they were there for...

3...

2...

1...

"Let out the dogs!"

They let the dogs play, and they were at the newly released park.



May 28, 23:12:54 – May 28, 23:38:28
Interrupted Observation: From Dog Park Calm to Stormy Retreat


I was at the clearing.

I wanted to know when the dogs would be here.

I wanted to know when... when... they would come since I was now here.

It was all too precise. I felt it. My heart beat.

It was here that I knew that my mind was so at peace with this following decision: I would watch the dogs, and after that, I would make sure that they were alright.

This was not going to be easy. I would have to fight off my urges to sleep and give up.

But I would not let them stop me.

I approached the dogs with a sharp weapon, which was my suit that could make people impressed with just a glance.

I then heard a noise, a loud drum-like sound.

I listened, and in the distance, I heard the swaying of the trees.

It was here that I knew what I had to do.

I sat down patiently.

I had to wait.

The dogs were released into the clearing.

I knew what they were here for, but they did not know what I was here for.

I was readying myself.

3...

2...

1...

"Let out the dogs!"

They were out to play, and they were at a park. I was here to observe them and play with them too.

The noises I heard were the vehicle horns due to a traffic congestion on the main road nearby.

But I had to be swift.

I ran.

The footsteps were in front of me before I even had my step.

That was too fast.

I caved into the speed.

That was too fast.

I jumped a little, but then my feet twanged against the curb.

I was immediately assaulted by the winds, but my jacket was caught by me and by the tree. No, my whole body slammed lightly against the tree.

I then readjusted myself and quickly claimed stability.

This was it.

I thought about how I had come here in a hurry.

I could not think or reason just yet. So I ran, speedily as I did.

I knew that it was too fast.

But I had to be elusive.

The rain would catch me.

The wind would strike me.

The world would collapse upon me, because the elements were already in full soar.

I returned home, but not before being interrupted by the slamming gate guided by the wind. I grabbed one of the openings of the gate and reached for the lock that slammed shut upon impact. I opened it, but not before I was then pulled back by my sliding feet which skidded against the ramp leading up to my apartment. I needed to contain myself.

So I rested by back by sitting down on the metal-encased water meter and accompanying tubes. It was sizable and stable enough that I could sit, but not such that I could discard care and equilibrium.

I breathed a bit.

I was supposed to play with the dogs, but the rain came so quickly that I had to leave.

I was here because this was my apartment, my shelter from the rain and winds and other miscellaneous threats that might become bolstered or worse as a result of these central hazards.

I then went in through the gate, closing it quietly. I went inside, after carefully removing my footwear and placing it in neat arrangement. I did not have time to be patient, so I entered with the immediate intention of entering the shower. The shower embraced me, and I was quickly endowed with soap-accompanied water, the fleshy bits called skin becoming rinsed in this modern day blessing.

I dispersed myself mentally, sweeping the mess that the previous events had created.

This was my equilibrium, my dog park.



May 29, 00:08:19 – May 29, 00:14:18
The Paradox of Quiet Moments and Necessary Challenges


On a site note, it's weird. Why do we do that? We don't want things to change, but the quiet moments of the past only gain importance because we strive hard for challenging goals. Scenes like the dog park remind me of quiet moments in my life when things were simpler and easier when I was younger and how going through challenging, thrilling, crazy things can make me miss them. But I realize now I would not read lots of stories if they were just the quiet moments. It's those crazy moments that make the quiet moments nostalgic.

If my life was just quiet moment, I would not miss the quiet moments, because that would just be my everyday life. I mean, I do have quiet moments all the time, but because I have challenging goals, I always inevitably find myself shooting myself into space into the thrilling heights. Then I miss the quiet moments upon consummation with my goals. If it was all quiet moments, I would not miss them. Challenging moments is what makes those quiet moments pop out. 

It's interesting that the value of my past experiences lies in their ability to give me a sense of respite from the challenging experiences I've had recently. But if it wasn't for these challenges, I probably would then go out and look for challenges then. It never ends. I never am so comfortable with comfort. It always itches me the wrong way, and I never sit down in comfort, feeling comfortable. I find myself itchy for growth and for challenge and for struggle and for pain and for the feeling that I am helpless because that often precedes heavenly growth. I am so funny. It is that way. It is. I just... It's just funny. The past was a younger me, and I should be happy that I am now growing past all those weaker forms of myself. I am now growing, but it's funny. It is all too funny. I do look back with nostalgia. I do, and I cannot deny that. I use it to fuel me to learn more and more, because it provides me with scope and a sense of being grounded, allowing me to identity the exact distance I've travelled since then. I can see where I'm at, because I can look back to see where I was at. And then I can pinpoint my future trajectories. It never ends. It's incessant and unceasing—this realization.

But it's very interesting... I just find it very interesting. I look back to 2011, and I cannot help it. I see so many new things, and it's not that things were better in the past. But hot damn do I find myself so irresistably estranged from my current self and all of this. I'm not necessarily estranged so as to need a doctor. I can handle things, and I can cope just fine. It's just that it's strange. It's all so strange. I look around, and I see things. I see people, beings, ideas, and all of these things that just won't leave. I am learning quickly and progressively fast. I am not stopping. Even if I stop, I move. I cannot stop myself from becoming myself and becoming so irresistably compelling in my wake. I move, and I create, even if I might declare that today will be a day of rest. I do rest. I have. I have rested for 15 days, and that was due to my computer breaking down and my concurrent sickness at the time, which only lasted several days. But since the computer remains broken, I have spent my time using my phone to rediscover media I have long forgotten because I have fallen in deep symbiosis with textbooks and writing, among other concurrent things. It is hard for me to pretend anymore. The sun goes down, and it goes up. Yet I am still there, my hands moving when my feet cannot; my feet moving when my hands cannot. I do not stop the move. Even though I have taken a break, the full-force power of my body and mind maintains congruence. I pursue my goals, moving forth, and that should be a declaratively motivated statement. But that is also me wondering when this will all end. I do not want it to end. I do not want to end so bitterly. I do not want to return to the past. I want to claim it as if it was divinely mine. I will write down, and I am writing it down. Things are getting easier, better, and progressively more rational, sensible, and within my grasp. I cannot stop my gains. I cannot stop this climb. I cannot stop me from overcoming and conquering my goals. I am inevitable, but I say that with shaking teeth. Where does it all lie (in meaning, themes, memories, implications, ideas, places, and every conceivable idea or reality-object)? Where does it all lead? This is irresistably compelling!

This power that I hold, if I may so admit, is not something I feel proud of necessarily. This forward momentum is so compelling, but I am afraid nonetheless. It is this great capacity that leads me astray. I fear that I might lose my soul and gain the whole world. I am afraid I might become perfection and lose everything that makes me me. I fear power and strength. I fear ability and the opposite of helplessness. I fear that I am capable of standing up on and on again and again. I fear that I can, when I have had fears in the past that I could not. This endless drive is terrifying to me.

I fear becoming so sure that I lose myself. I feel that it should be good for me to become helpless so that I may finally lose this forward momentum that seems endless. I need a humbling, as I fear power and capability more than I fear the idea of losing everything, though only as of writing. I know that when tragedy strikes, I will cry louder than I have ever cried before during times of heightened forward momentum. But still, I remain compelled that this fear of such a unstoppable endlessly motivated growth remains striking and resonant within me.



May 29, 00:31:57
Deconstructing the Fear of Success and Forward Momentum


but why would he fear? Isn't it good to succeed? Why fear success? Why fear confidence and motivation? Why fear things that bring life and give energy to create? Won't this fear be self-destructive and self-inhibiting? The rationale behind this fear resembles the rationale behind such self-destruction in many others?

so they need ways to feel that they're being brought down a notch to rid possible feelings of fakeness, being a imposter, fear of failure, imbalance, isolation, pressure, and identity loss?

I think the author needs to find ways to be weak on purpose while not necessarily being self-destructive. For example, they can do things perceived as being lesser, even if those activities actually align with their goals of improvement.



May 29, 00:42:22 – May 29, 01:13:26
Societal Change, Obsolete Frameworks, and the Call to "Touch Grass"


I know it sounds like someone too highly attracted to technological bubbles, but I think we need to discard a lot of our older frameworks. It's clear that this newer generation and the sociocultural and technological environment in which they now stand will not so easily slide with the ideas established heretofore. It is only inevitably that older structures become obsolete with time. The structure of nations have changed drastically throughout the centuries, yet contemporaries in each and every one of those periods have decried the idea of sociocultural and technological change. Who are we to be blind to a history of inevitable structural changes which completely deface what was traditional in pursuit of what is now relevant to our modern times?

I'm not necessarily requesting a revision of the past, but a recognition of how definitions have become broken again and again. The information age won't change that. In fact, it will likely accelerate such breaking down of definitions and frameworks with changing times. What happened throughout the centuries will now happen incredibly progressively fast. A single change may have transpired more visibly gradually in the past, but current changes now continue to employ more and more technology that even our very eyes are blind to the ever-shifting changes. If we want to see, we must see with eyes that do not belong to even "recent" times like the 2010s. We must see with eyes that recognize that the recent times have never existed. There is no such thing as far-gone past and recent times, and I am merely saying that emphatically. Instead, we must recognize that the only thing consistent throughout time is change that completely warps what was sensible and creates nonsense in the real.

We are no longer the 1800s. Let us stop pretending. And we know that. But can we extend that even to the 1970s? Then we extend even more to the 2010s? We do not live in a time before the 2020s. We live in the 2020s. Things have happened very quickly in the past throughout the centuries. History was not slower, but surely enough, with the information age, things will be much visibly faster and more clearer to the everyday person. This means that we have to be very alert and very there, because FOMO is no longer a phenomenon used to describe a feeling, but an actual need for people to remain open to revisions and changes to Everything They've Ever Known.

It is too late to lie down and revisit nostalgic sceneries even of digital places. We are now gone into a new age. What once made sense is now defaced in this new day. We have to move forward. And I am not saying to abandon psychologically everything for the sake of burnout and the "grind". I am referring to a broader societal recognition of what is now present and what will continue to be the all-consuming fire that change accelerated is.

I've seen entrenched social structures be warped in a flash. The Qing Dynasty with their structural and definition reforms to satisfy and attempt to preclude what they knew to be their end with the revolution was a historical precedent of how everything that was sensible is now defaced so as to be nonsensical.

The Qing Dynasty lasted so long, only to fall flat on its face like it was never there in the first place. Sure everything culminated, but will it be obvious? If even those in power cannot seem to understand what needs to happen for alignment with coming change, then what then of this world's stability. To adapt to change is to maintain stability. That has always been the case. We are centuries long in debt for a new structural change, and I'm emphasizing again that everything is culminative. I am ignoring a lot of other historical precedents and how everything is actually very gradual and procedural with viewed from a well-educated and comprehensive lens. But I am saying that even with the culminativeness, people have remained ignorant to culminations.  

The reason it is so easy to view history and see where people failed is because we are in the age post-them. We are surrounded by frameworks that survived them. They did not survive because either it was inevitable, their frameworks failed them, or just the word "change," "reform," and "adaptation." But we can now view them with the amassed frameworks which now see them as they are with much more clarity and comprehensiveness, not that our recent consciousness is so comprehensive so as to be incapable of misjudging itself, its current events, and future events, but more so that even us today cannot see what is coming, because we do not have the post-frameworks that we have of our present.

We must touch the grass below us. Dwelling too much on thinking will rid us of ourselves, as thinking relies on what has been established. Oftentimes, the best way to understand the present is to rely on the surface level for most things. Delving too deep can stimulate thought that is very in-depth but not very practical. It's okay to do so as a hobby and as part of academic growth, but it is also crucial to remain surface-level and present-oriented. Dwelling too deep in depth will bureaucratize what should happen zip-quick.

I have written all previous statements as someone who loves studying textbooks everyday and writing all the time. It is crucial to cut off the tree once it is already too old and grown, if it means that it disturbs the current realities people face, while still watching out for abuses that might occur if we rely too much on doing as one pleases at the time of need. It can be difficult, but frameworks have to be uprooted, while long-term thinking has to be preserved somewhat. A balance must be maintained, and checks and balances have to be continued. Forces against; more moderate, tolerant forces; and forces in favor have to be consistently symbiotic.



May 29, 01:13:30
Interpreting the "Touch Grass" Argument: Practicality vs. Theory


sounds like it can be summarized as "touch grass"

is it saying to leave the theoretical abstraction to the academics or those interested in such as a hobby? 

Is it saying it should not be the everyday man's concern?

So he's saying that it isn't for everyone and that most people are doing fine living a very on-hands practical- and present-oriented life?

Isn't that discouraging and kind-of slightly elitist? Or am I reading too much into things? What if I do want to... oh wait nevermind

so even as someone who studies textbooks, even he believes that practicality goes first rather than frameworks and theory?

I guess he might have gotten used to being around textbooks so much he started thinking that people actually spend a lot of time reading them. Maybe he's saying this as a result of frequency heuristic. Maybe I'm psychoanalyzing rudely. But I'm guessing he's saying this for people who do find themselves concerned with learning but don't have the time? Or maybe people who feel excluded or lesser because they don't study all the time? I'm not exactly sure what audience he's gunning for, but I guess what he's saying makes sense.



May 29, 02:33:42
The Textbook Plateau: When Concepts Become Familiar Terrain


I'm not even fricking surprised anymore. Reading textbooks just gives me words to describe things I already know at this point. It's crazy how my life is just that developed already that the things I come across in textbooks don't phase me anymore. It's just looking for ways to describe things I already know.

Specialized stuff either get very detailed (like medical textbooks) or so specialized it becomes highly abstract. Either way, I feel that I am not even surprised by what I read anymore. Maybe that's a good thing.

I don't know how to explain it. It's like I understand it so conceptually much that the only thing I'm getting out of it is learning the legal terms for certain set of concepts relevant to the field. I am learning terms, not concepts, at this point. It's literally just learning words for things I already know well.

learning is not memorizing a bunch of terms, but I guess that's the only thing I can do at this point. Once concepts are so understood, it is only legal terms that can be reaped at this point. It's basically just understanding the definitions and concepts so well that the only thing left is learning the legal terms.



May 29, 02:36:17
The Chicken Analogy: Seeking Fulfillment Beyond Rote Learning


It's like eating chicken so much to the point you merely eat it just because it's healthy. I can just imagine chicken and be satisfied with the memories of enjoying it. But I know it so well that it serves a mere functional purpose, that resembling my learning of legal terms.

the only thing I can do is write down my reflections. But I have already been doing that as part of my learning. It's not that my reflections won't be fruitful or new whatsoever. But I write down my reflections fruitfully irrespective of studying textbooks. I'm more concerned about finding a way to study textbooks in a way that feels fulfilling on conceptual grounds.



May 29, 12:22:30
Vision for a Roblox Group: From Dormant Community to Quasi-Institution


I have never really created and managed a digital community, as they are often nucleated around a singular interest. I have a Roblox group that was created around 2012, and I am now 21 years old. I wonder if such a thing can undergo reforms so as to be given a charter by myself and structurally altered in order to cater group games coded by myself to awaiting participants and newer members. I can create an HTML that delineates the purpose, intentions, and brief history of the group and its objectives for the future. This can be made clear through the introduction of games.

the issue is that it is largely abstract, and if any future help and participation will be obtained, it might not occur through mere group loyalty and participation but through shared interest in one of the games, which might have become self-contained and separately intriguing apart from the group itself. I wonder if such a virtual space can resemble more stable real-life structures which are enabled through a government and even royally given duopoly status such as the University of Cambridge and the University of Oxford. Developing such a community often rests upon its temporal nature and its more superficial interest in the games introduced and created, which then are contingent upon their capacity to gain players' interest. This reduces the group to a mere list of players who are interested enough to click a single button to join. I am not requesting exclusivity. I am requesting a more sophisticated, in-depth, and involved form of association, a group that recognizes its place within a larger digital sphere of games, but also provides its own unique place within the broader region of entities spread across Roblox. Removing its unseriousness and casualness will take comprehensive effort, and it will not be so easy to gain players that fit the qualifications. But even such a filter indicates that it is exclusionary in a sense, even if the intention is to secure the group's essence not as a mere list of players with shared interest but as a more in-depth virtual society or gathering aligning quasi-institutionally its members toward growth. 

In establishing the group, I will take inspiration from my own personal website, which comprises of my autobiography-journal, my fiction novels, my essays and articles, and other forms of non-fiction documentation.




May 29, 12:22:46 – May 29, 13:22:02
Parable of the Fighting Dogs: Violence, Judgment, and Retribution



Several dogs gathered at a community center.

Each of them knew what would happen if they were allowed to fight each other. One of them would die. One would get injured. One would fall over and die from loss of blood.

In this world, they had only to rely upon their rational senses.

But they were dogs, so their instincts, however intelligent they seemed, broke out, and they were off on their paws, dashing and striking down each other like doves in a flurry. The night grew closer, but they were prepared to exit the assault any time. But they kept on pushing and using their teeth against each other, barely missing each other for the most part. But once those jaws became affixed upon flesh, there was no escape. But since the dogs were persistent and fighting independent from each other, they did not think to stop when one of them was already falling to another. Instead, they interrupted each other from finishing each other off, often ultimately relying on staving off their exhaustion as much as possible by fighting measuredly as much as they could while maintaining aggression and ferocity in their strikes. It was hard to maintain equilibrium. Sooner or later, one of them fell to the ground, too weak to stand. This marked the end of the three-way fight, indicating a new stage where two dogs fiercely fought each other to the death, without interruptions this time. They struck fiercely like two knives inside a drawer clanging in an earthquake. The time drew nigh, and eventually, one of them hit the ground. The other slowed down before observing their environment and undergoing reassessment. He was the victor, and what came next was up to him.

However, before the dog could do any decision, a human was then emerged, and his form fully seen, and immediately, upon seeing the two dogs lying in what looked like death, struck the hitherto victorious dog and wiped it away here from the earth.  It was here that victory bore less meaning than that guilt through which human-man, whose hands of warfare were well-known among the dogs, waged, as it was guilt that had led the man by the hand to the path down in the slaughter of the third dog. This had a quicker effect than if it was merely his hands that had struck the dog, as he had delivered so that it was final. It was then obvious that the dogs' bodies scattered like little baby bodies upon a burning landscape, and men of order who were lords over the land were not so easily pleased to see their own man-works be quietly destroyed before their eyes. 

Herein the world became emotionally flesh-like in its impact upon the mind of those who had made it their duty to oversee and hear the land. The human-men, who were the lords and the overseers aforementioned, and who were separate from the dog-killer, arrived at the spot upon which the dogs were proclaimed dead and buried by the man who slayed them. They were troubled, and they knew well that such actions lay more than merely a reorganization of the fauna that roamed the land, but it also prescribed a made-to-be-duly removal of what belonged to the integrity of the land. It was here that the human-man overseer became addicted to learning the manners in which a trespasser might be prescribed punishment of a satisfying level. The trespasser in this case was the dog-killer, who knew himself well that he might slay the beasts, who were the dogs, but who then showed, in his killing of them, an act of offense, herein belying his own social needs for harmony and disguising his guilt as a mere suggestion, when it was troublesome for him to stay quiet and to let the victor-dog remain here-present. The overseers were albeit hesitant, awaiting punishment and concerned by what ways it might arrive. That it might retain rationality and calmness and or bestow a properly satisfying end, that those who emotions have been betrayed are then given recompense in full, and that event in which the dog-killer had taken in haste may be returned to them in satisfying ceasation was an important clause for them. Then where was hesitation clearly spoken? Inside the thoughts of men, that damning hesitation to naught would destroy their allegiance to their orthodoxy was foreboding to them, like in dealings with regular rats, who, in their nature, sent their feet in a scurry-speed down the ladder to the food supply. But it was then revealed unto them that by the judgment of the law, it was then said that the dog-killer "had become a man-killer" through his own actions, and, by them, betrayal of the justices expected from an idle-man, and so he was sentenced to death. By the time it was rumored that he had death, those whose justice has been reclaimed were not quick to lend portions of the treasury to give the dog-bodies peace through a ceremony, but with the dogs' lives reclaimed through legal retribution, it was satisfied and made full.



May 29, 15:08:59
Absurdist Authorial Style: The Sudden Demise of Protagonists


would it be absurdism or surrealism? for the main character to be killed all of a sudden?

his death is given symbolic, metaphorical value, while also being emphasized as largely peripheral

The stories themselves can be pretty bizarre, and involve dream-like sequences, nonsensical languages, and symbolic imagery, all of which describe the psychology of the main characters.

I saw this author, and for some reason, it seemed that he was building up toward something in each of those stories. But suddenly, he decided to kill them off so suddenly, some only seemingly at the beginning of their stories, only over 10 chapters long, the longest being 80+ chapters long.

It is as if he never cared for them.

It's interesting because it seems to be the author's style. This is clearly a pattern and a warning that his stories will involve the main characters' sudden deaths. He wrote 4 different stories, and they all died suddenly. I find it strange, but I also think it is interesting.

It's interesting because the reader is forced to wonder when the main characters will die. Some main characters last 80+ chapters. Some main characters only last 10+ chapters. Some main characters last even longer. Some stories last hundreds of chapters because of the multiplicity of main characters, seemingly never ending.

but he does not just kills them off. He ends the story with their deaths just like that. It as if everything built up to this point, and all of these hints of a world that did not respect grandiosity or symbolic gestures at all enough to sustain them forever.



May 29, 18:34:39 – May 29, 18:44:13
Analyzing a Dream of Success Amidst Sober Reality and Recent Stress


I had a dream that made me ask: "Why have a dream of success?" Of course, I can brush it aside and forgot about that dream, but I do wonder, after all my learning and growth in rationality, moderation (or being moderate), and recognizing the substance of a moderate life, why I had a dream of success? Why did I have a dream where I was singing in this fancy place among fancy people and singing very well that it enraptured those people there. I find it contradictory and interesting because it feels like something I would have dreamt when I was younger.

I was childish and adventurous in my demeanor, gait, and disposition in the dream, as if I had reverted to that younger self that just loved singing in front of a crowd. But here, I was matured in the sense that I was finding success, though I still felt it was entirely captured and the dream hinted that my journey was still ongoing, even if I have found much success in charming those fancy people with my singing.

When I woke up, I then centered my argument about the dream upon the question: "Why have a dream of success?"

When I woke up, I saw sobriety, moderation, and rationality all around, not necessarily in the people, but because of my perspective with regard to everything around me. My main interests are sober, rational, and moderate, as I do not speak of my musical instruments as if it would bring me success but as it is now as an improver of my skill set. I live in the sober (and possibly somber) moment. I read textbooks, study, and write. In the past, I viewed it the same way I was in the dream—childish and adventurous. But I see it now with a much more grounded quality. This goes for all my interests, and that concludes who I am today in contrast to who I was in the dream. Why have a dream of success? I direct that question toward the me that seemed to choose such a dream, this same me that lives in this sober life, sees my daily activities soberly, and acts in a sober manner. Why did all of that fall apart within the dream, as if it had all but been a disguise? But I am awake, and I am returned to this sober life. So I asked, "Why have a dream of success?"

I mean, I guess it is learning that the demands of my current stage of my life has not been completely subsumed into my identity. I realize I have never been fully rational and sober so as to be unadventurous and not youthful. The recent 15-or-so days since my adjustment from having a computer to not having my computer due to the breakdown of its motherboard and having gotten sick simultaneously has taken a toll upon my psyche. I have moved to my mother's laptop only yesterday, and that has revealed to me the deficiencies that emerged as a result of this change, as my mental state has been constricted by the margins of a smartphone for the majority of the recent period of 15 days. 

The dream could be a reaction to this recent event.


May 29, 18:49:10
Memory Fragment: Computer Purchase in 2021 During High Viewership


It was on July or August 2021 that we bought my current computer. July was around the time that I had many viewers. I still remember well that I told them that I was getting a better computer and also getting a better server so it was not laggy.



May 29, 19:19:32 – May 29, 19:30:20
Evolution of Writing Style: From Early Surrealism to Academic Precision


I have numerous stories that I've left unfinished but are all very unique due to the fact that I was not so much exposed to or required to read popular books and only read books and written media available to me for most of my early life. But my mindset was also very unique, as it came from my very vast, involved life from 11 to 16 years old, which involved much traveling, much participation at events, and getting to know over a thousand people. I have many writings that show how I expressed myself uniquely, but I do not write that way anymore, as much of my recent writing has become modernized the more I got into the Internet and involved myself with pop culture, more specifically Internet culture.

I'm a much more clear and linguistically aware writer today, as I have spent much of my recent years standardizing my language and upgrading precision with my wording. From my earlier writings, I noticed that I enjoyed experimenting with unique narrative structures, unique sentence structures, and unique vocabulary. During those earlier years, I often wrote surrealist narratives where little made sense, yet it maintained a sense of coherence through its language. Though this writing style only was the case for a time around 2019. In truth, my writing style was more amateur, normal, and straightforward in 2016 when I was 13 years old. But in light of the tumultuous changes in my life from 2017 to 2020, it makes sense that in around 2019, my language shifted much into that surrealist and linguistically experimentative style, that, even today, has invited further inspection and interest from me. It was around 2021 with the introduction of my current upgraded computer to today in 2024 that my style has shifted toward straightforward language again; however, I have maintained interest in surrealism, though in a much more straightforward level, and even incorporated themes of absurdism in my narratives. Moreover, I have began writing academically with my recent investigation into textbooks and my concentrated interest in them from a day-to-day basis. This has consolidated to form my writing style; though, there are unique mannerisms and flavors which are not so easily described.



May 29, 20:30:50
Proposal for a Roblox Digital Think Tank: Archival Research Focus


I don't know if it's possible, but I'm thinking of creating a digital think tank that serves as a base for research into particular areas of a site. It will be in the form of a group, and I will be the one dedicating most of the early efforts into establishing it and making sure that it is given a charter and all. A fuller delineation of my proposed efforts is detailed here:
'I have never really created and managed a digital community, as they are often nucleated around a singular interest. I have a Roblox group that was created around 2012, and I am now 21 years old. I wonder if such a thing can undergo reforms so as to be given a charter by myself and structurally altered in order to cater group games coded by myself to awaiting participants and newer members. I can create an HTML that delineates the purpose, intentions, and brief history of the group and its objectives for the future. This can be made clear through the introduction of games.

the issue is that it is largely abstract, and if any future help and participation will be obtained, it might not occur through mere group loyalty and participation but through shared interest in one of the games, which might have become self-contained and separately intriguing apart from the group itself. I wonder if such a virtual space can resemble more stable real-life structures which are enabled through a government and even royally given duopoly status such as the University of Cambridge and the University of Oxford. Developing such a community often rests upon its temporal nature and its more superficial interest in the games introduced and created, which then are contingent upon their capacity to gain players' interest. This reduces the group to a mere list of players who are interested enough to click a single button to join. I am not requesting exclusivity. I am requesting a more sophisticated, in-depth, and involved form of association, a group that recognizes its place within a larger digital sphere of games, but also provides its own unique place within the broader region of entities spread across Roblox. Removing its unseriousness and casualness will take comprehensive effort, and it will not be so easy to gain players that fit the qualifications. But even such a filter indicates that it is exclusionary in a sense, even if the intention is to secure the group's essence not as a mere list of players with shared interest but as a more in-depth virtual society or gathering aligning quasi-institutionally its members toward growth. 

In establishing the group, I will take inspiration from my own personal website, which comprises of my autobiography-journal, my fiction novels, my essays and articles, and other forms of non-fiction documentation.'

But is it even possible? I know for sure that real-life think tanks are likely insufficient to cover digital culture in detail, so I hope to establish a digital think tank. But then, there is the issue of quality and qualification. In specificity, this will involve going into Roblox archives and older games and studying them, using older Youtube videos about these games and writing down as much as possible about them in a similar manner to a wiki, but more in-depth and involved. This will also involve using Wayback Machine as well.



May 29, 20:31:43
Navigating Wikipedia's Original Research Policy for Niche Digital History


how to circumnavigate the original research problem?

I mean in the case of Wikipedia with its policies against original research. I guess what I can do is write about it on a separate site and then wait until it gets mentioned and cited secondarily on a more official site? Is that in line with the policies?

so citing in Wikipedia should cite secondary sources, ones that cite directly from my original research on my website, correct?

then that means instead of placing my in-depth Roblox discoveries, research, and studies on the wiki of Roblox, I should place them on a website I made and then advertise it so that others can make secondary sources that reference my primary source. Then, I can cite those secondary sources in the wiki?


May 29, 20:32:09
Example: Creating Secondary Sources via Literature Review for Wikipedia Citation


so a literature review would be gathering non-fiction books that mention people that sell taho and then referencing them in an article, citing each book for each characteristic of the taho-sellers described.

then, since it is a secondary source, I can cite it on Wikipedia itself?

Yeah, it needs to be a reputable journal, one probably related to Filipinology.


May 29, 20:32:39
The Challenge of Scholarly Recognition for Niche Fields like Roblox Studies


hmm... it is easy to cite real-life stuff like Philippines studies, but how about Roblox studies? What if I went into depth when it comes to studying Roblox history and culture through forum archives, older Roblox games, older Youtube videos of Roblox, and Roblox as it is saved on the Wayback Machine? Would that not be more difficult to substantiate and say it comes from a reliable journal? It would have to be informal and primary, and any secondary sources would likely not appear in a reputable journal, unless one researcher or scholar from a reputable journal about digital culture takes notice. It will probably be largely informal, and that's probably alright, since if there are no primary sources, then it would be futile to expect it being covered secondarily by reputable journals. 


May 29, 21:19:22 – May 29, 21:44:17
High vs. Popular Culture: Music, Awards, and the Internet's Democratizing Effect


"Why is jazz music considered academic?" This question has led me down to reflect upon a current interplay between virtually opposing subsets of culture. I do not seek a response to this question here, but I mention it here as an introductory phrase and as the title of this reflection piece.

To begin, I find it interesting that the winner of the 1970 Pulitzer Prize in Music—Charles Wuorinen—decried the awarding of the Pulitzer Prize in Music to Kendrick Lamar's album "Damn" in 2018, saying that it was the end of societal appreciation for high culture. What is academic or high culture, and what isn't? I was born right around the digital age with my formative years in the 2010s, so I honestly do not understand this sentiment. It feels reflective of a historical time when perceptions were largely confined to historical monolithic structures.

Digital technology has upturned everything we know about historically, as people are being exposed to all kinds of music through the Internet, allowing little distinction for what constitutes academic or popular music and just giving people the time and day for all kinds of music. Awards have little power now, as digital consumption has deteriorated any separation between music and the people in the consciousness of those from this digital time.

Skepticism toward traditional awards is typical now in Internet culture, and what constitutes experimental music has began to fade, in its esotericism, with the growing accessibility and proliferation of music in all shapes and forms, that even critics given a high platform are often expected to be loose and highly holistic, encompassing varied kinds of tastes from a wide lot of audiences.

Everyday audiences, which are made clear by those opinions circulated within the Internet, are now a distinct population with a substantial majority sway apart from the minimal cultures Ivy League universities and other institutional concentrations of traditional adherents of such music and culture have attempted to perpetuate and disseminate, but have largely failed in gathering a big audience, often confined to specific classics, but mostly uninvolved in everyday consumption and critic consultation, even in being judged from the lens of Internet-born critics whose scope of attention in the dissemination of non-immediate (pop) music encompasses a large potion of music listeners in this digital age. In sum, the power structures have shifted toward democratization and holism away from a reliance upon consultation from traditional top-down criticism.



May 29, 21:59:12
Envisioning Continuous, High-Quality Production for Roblox Studies


of this level of quality, imagine that this level of quality is produced everyday for Roblox studies every single second, from an increasing accumulation of viewpoints and perspectives. Imagine a think tank within Roblox itself, using forum archives, Wayback Machine snapshots of Roblox, older games, and older Youtube videos of Roblox. Not only this quality but of varied types, especially systematic reviews which go over a multiplicity of articles and essays.



May 29, 22:37:32 – May 29, 23:08:00
Critique of Anarchism: Structural Incentives vs. Psychological Realities


I believe that structural incentives and disincentives are insufficient to conclude that people will be psychologically and behaviorally inclined to act accordingly in adherence to anarchist social structure. It is impossible to secure total adherence to any structure, especially one that demands mere incentivization and disincentivization. People are not purely rational thinkers resting upon such, and even in emotional contexts, it is impossible to align through incentivization-disincentivization people's behavior. It, in a precursory proto-manner, aligns with neoliberalism in the sense that the state is less powerful, but anarchism takes that even a step further and abolishes the state, which, you can imagine, results in a society that has to rely on structural aligning, which cannot be expected to be consistent, when humans are taken into account. AI has shown that alignment is very difficult (due to interpretation), and historical orthodoxies have shown that interpretation is so freely associative and naturally given to divergence that consistency in behavior from interpretation and responses of structural incentivization and disincentivization naturally becomes contingent upon some form of regulation, even if it might have not been originally such upon its establishment in theory. Welfare can do much in preventing abuse, but even in such a described society, expecting humans to maintain consistency just by structural incentivization and disincentivization is immediately open to scrutiny from psychology and studies of human behavior within structures (with accompanying incentives and disincentives) and groups.
    
Then in this case, anarchism can be perceived as structuralism in the sense that it focuses on structure as an organizing agent instead of regulation from a state. But even in this case, theoretically, it can resemble plausibility, but psychology is quick to note that relying upon economic theories established upon foundations of rationality and consistency of interpretation will inevitably diverge from their original establishing theories upon constitution or through a charter. For an anarchist structure to emerge, similar to how discarding gravity is initially seen as a necessity in quantum theory (although gravity has been made, in one way, married through the Wheeler-DeWitt equation and, later on, through loop quantum gravity), discarding psychological variation in the realm of interpretation as an opposing, entropy-increasing factor has been then made prerequisite in its foundation or requisite in any visible recognizable maintenance. In conclusion, although my minimally constitutive characterization of the excerpted theory-components and concepts may be soon met by opposing or more grounded counterarguments: when viewing from this lens alone, relying upon structuralism from a theoretical standpoint pre-requires an academic 'reluctance' from entropy-seeking elements or underlying factors upon which human behavior is psychogenically founded, especially in its revealing praxis within the realm of political consideration and motivation, when it is contrasted and made distinct through structural incentivization and disincentivization.



May 29, 23:40:23
Institutional Credibility and the Paradox of Encouraged Critical Thought


This is a very succinct critique I found in a Youtube comment section:
"Universities: We encourage you to think critically.
Also universities: no, not like that."

Now is the age of a fall of traditional institutions that have maintained reputation for so long. Either reform or loss of credibility. This is not simple polarization, but it is recognition of what was been the case for so long but has not been addressed as issues of substantial debate.

Unfortunately, if bastions of knowledge and critical inquiry lose credibility, this can involve the damage of the dissemination of education. However, this is not simply saving these bastions in terms of solution, but recognizing the ways in which knowledge is disseminated and the issues in allowing attached academic hypocrisy to perpetuate.



May 30, 00:16:59 – May 30, 00:39:26
Establishing a New Field: Initial Steps for Formalizing Roblox Studies


It's very easy to write well-referenced passages when there's a mountain of work already available on the subject; however, when it is a new field, then most of them feels informal, primary, and anecdotal. Even with academic backgrounds, the researchers involved will inevitably sound like they're extrapolating out of field notes and making interdisciplinary connections, but without much material upon which to rely for a host of references for each statement or characteristic ascribed to any sub-focus within the focal subject.

For example, there is much data on the history of Roblox, its games throughout the years, and its evolving culture, which stem from the forum archives, the older games, the older groups and communities, older Youtube videos about Roblox, Wayback Machine Snapshots of Roblox, and third party resources outside the official Roblox site itself. However, even with all of this, there is little in the way of secondary academic systematic review. If I'm going to embark on a journey to establish Roblox studies into more formal existence, I would be lifting a lot of effort alone in the initial stages, without books or articles from reputable journals from which to derive credibility through incisive citation.

To outline the initial steps in establishment, I first have to initiate an exhaustive review of all available information and resources from the aforementioned primary sources. Then I can develop them autonomously with the aid of a website and bring others to take a look for the sake of stimulating attention and interest toward such an enterprise.

Since I have an extensive background in coding Roblox games myself during its earlier years from 2011 to 2016, though to little commercial success, I can easily inspect the games from such an angle. Second, reviewing them and initiating databases, spreadsheets, and tables upon which to collate qualitative data, which goes firstly through my personal lens as an older player during 2011 to 2016 and then through the more systematic approach disseminated by my personal blog website, can more easily follow. Third, developing research frameworks and methodologies will come naturally with exhaustive review accumulation. Fourth, ensuring that the articles are well-organized and well-integrated into such an ecosystem will be essential for its continuance. Fifth, raw data can be easily linked and listed on particular pages for the sake of outlining games or resource deposits, which, in future times, can then be examined qualitatively in goal- and objective-oriented order. Sixth, peer review will be crucial here, but it can all be my own reflections firstly, since that will allow for a drafting or stimulative stage for the sake of inviting interest and attention. However, if it ultimately fails to draw enough interest, it can serve as a repository for my accumulating findings and discoveries, which are then cross-referenced and cross-examined against each other, with cross-pollination, with respect to my increasing interdisciplinary erudition.



May 30, 01:30:38 – May 30, 15:43:13
A Vast, Fertile Land: Initiating Scholarly Inquiry into Roblox History


A Vast, Fertile Land Left Underexploited

From the beginning of my research journey, I already recognized the difficulties in which derailing the inconsistencies which trivialization the Roblox community has #adversely evolved with its emphasis on cheap, fun, and easy production of games would be. Indeed, in its analytical and intellectual long-time disregard, it has reached all the way up to any scrutiny beyond mere company policies and to the nebulous details which make up its significance as a cultural common-wealth (a font of wealth that underlies the commons). Furthermore, where growth could have been stimulated in fuller periods of cultural change, expression was laid merely as an action of course and digital currency of interaction, but largely left uninvolved in any retrospective recollections of the events and circumstances surrounding these exchanges. But in spite of the absence of systematic reviews upon which comprehensive repositories could have been made extracts, a Fandom Roblox wiki, which serves as the sole-standing solution to lay-questions when any attempts to dive into the primary sources is met with impractical slow loading times and other barriers to free access and clear, concise understanding, is even now maintained, but which fails to draw much attention, serving in a limited fashion as a surface-level primer and guide, yet which is ultimately insufficient in drawing attention to the folds of those previous periods, with their accompanying nuances, which, then and now, continue to be overlooked. It is here that I intend to bring light and provide entry into a long-forgotten facet of ongoing Roblox community interactions—those of its lengthy foundations which cannot be simply categorized as "the period of 2008 to 2016" to describe 'old Roblox,' those of its unexamined nuances, and those of its hitherto lost heritage: upon which I now in good hopes endeavor to elucidate.

Individual Games

Let us discard chronology and focus on individual games, as these are the clearest gateways to further recollection and understanding.

Social Interaction

We can start with the game "Roblox Jr High School™ Happy Halloween" by the Roblox user "jjsword." Personally, I have played many such games of social interaction, wherein minimal social structures hinging upon earlier-Internet surface-language and interaction was a clear currency of exchange. But this is distinctly separate from the Roblox forums, whose frequenters play a minor role in the overall sphere of Roblox cultural economy, yet the subject of which demands evaluation as a long-recognized offshoot of the everyday lives of Roblox netizens (or "Robloxians" as it has been long known to its older and even, in most places, via encounters with artifacts from the bygone era, specifically user-created resources, newer players). 

Pre–In-Game

Players are loaded into the game upon playing, and for much of its active years, players would often see a video advertisement before playing. For context, the game was created on July 4, 2009 and last updated on August 16, 2013. This went the same for every other game, and on the top and right side of the Roblox page of the game, image advertisement banners were displayed. The banners and the video were essential aspects of this earlier period and reflected much of how people were primed into the game. But it was in the game where its truer displays of interaction emerged.

Social Equipment

Players encountered each other at the beginning of the map and were exposed to various graphical user interfaces (GUIs) on the left side and on the right side of their screen. The left side had buttons that pertained to the game, often featuring ways to express oneself socially with one's digital avatar, such as "morphing." Morphing meant that the avatar would change from its original character into a selected "morph," like a humanoid alien or a robot. Other forms of social interaction included using emotes and preset forms of dialogue. A historical official instance of these preset forms of dialogue existed and was limited for Guests, which were proto-accounts given to players without accounts and removed in October 2, 2017, though these preset forms of dialogue, which had words and phrases called "super safe chat words" from "Super Safe Chat," were removed in 2024.



May 30, 01:39:44
Observation: Older Players Engaging Academically with Roblox History


I find this very interesting, because Roblox itself was only popular in the 2010s and 2020s, so the author of this passage must be in his 20s or 30s. This means that even now, Roblox, which is very young, is beginning to receive attention from its previous older players in the field.


May 30, 02:23:24 – May 30, 02:53:08
Emotional Reflections on the Learning Plateau and Fear of Lost Novelty


Is it weird that I have reached the point of understanding textbooks so conceptually that the only thing left is to learn (often legal) terms?

Maybe textbooks are wasted on me. Maybe, I should just focus on writing. Maybe I have spent so much time studying that even these concepts you mentioned (philosophy of mind, quantum mechanics with superposition, entanglement, and wave-particle duality, metaphysics, complex systems theory, ethics and moral philosophy, and existentialism) sound all too conceptually familiar. Maybe... this is the end of all that study.

But it's interesting. I've grown so comfortable with reading textbooks that I thought it would last forever. I thought this sense of curiosity and newness would never end. But I've reached a point where I am learning minutiae and legal terms when I've already reached the point of understanding so much conceptually that such are my concerns.

Maybe this is getting outside of my comfort zone—leaving behind the idea that the ideal of reading textbooks all day everyday would last forever. It has become so easy just to read textbooks in this manner, but maybe that's why I must leave.

I thought it was only fantasy fiction where I would stop finding novelty, but it has extended to textbooks as well, the event of which feels almost magical.

I guess textbooks were not the end in and of itself. They are merely the gateway to my own writing and research.

I'm sad though. I thought this would be my life. Now I look around, and it is all too familiar. Now, the only thing left to do is write my reflections.

I remember finding writing short essays in several days difficult. Now I write much longer and much more sophisticated essays in minutes, and it is only getting easier. I'm scared that one day, writing will reach an endpoint and lose that feeling, just like with fantasy fiction and textbooks. I hope not. I am not an established researcher yet. So hopefully, I never lose the novelty. But from the aforementioned precedents, I likely will.

I love staying in my room and just reading textbooks all day, but maybe I have to go outside and apply what I've learned, maybe metaphorically as in publishing my writings, or literally as in going outside and applying what I've learned and writing in the field. I don't know...

I guess what has been is going away now.

I always wanted to believe that I did not know anything, even if I was seeing signs that I was growing a lot. I did not want to admit that I have changed. I did not want to admit that it could mean that I would leave behind the past and the comforts I've gained. I don't know how to marry my current identity as a textbook reader with the realities of my newfound growth. This growth speaks to a new identity that I am only beginning to identify. I guess... even if success is a good coveted thing, I am afraid. I have waited a long time to admit the truth, but that is also because I wanted to be circumspect or cautious with regard to making judgments and conclusions. But it is clear now that I cannot pretend to be that younger kid who knew little. All this studying has effectively produced an output, and it is impossible to ignore that. I stand here, a little emotional.

I never wanted to believe that I was different. I've always wanted to believe that I would remain here forever. But I am changing. I always have, even if I have failed to admit it or have had periods of ignoring that. I know... I know I change. I know that it's inevitably that this day would come. I have grown. I have learned. I have studied. Is it not just a sober truth to accept? Why do I fear it when it was in my sight all this time? Or maybe I hoped that everyday would stay the same. Maybe I wished that it was never different the day after today. Maybe everything I knew had become normal, and I came to embrace this new life, even if in the past, at one point, it was new to me. Now it is starting to feel too much like home, and the complacency is growing. This discomfort that I feel is a sign that I must move on, or else risk losing growth. I know that. I know... but I am afraid.

Past life events have made me think in a way that disregarded the possibility of good events or success after a long enterprise of effortful attempts at improvement that when they do come, I find myself at a loss almost, even if success is nothing to feel at loss about.

I've been told time and time again by reality that disappointment is common and to be expected. Is it hard to accept that change can come and people can inevitably change? I never knew so. I was reduced to a learned helplessness almost, but I kept trying again and again. I wanted to change, but I had simultaneously lost hope in the idea. I hoped for change, yet I had no hope. I hedged so hard against loss that when success came, I found myself unable to be there in fullness and acceptance, as if God had struck me when treasure stopped at my door, as if it was a trap all along. But it was not. I was just unable to render a response, because inside my heart, I was long gone away. I did not have anything to think about what had been to come and was now here. I could not see it for what it was. I was much and long led to believe that it would not be so, and that even if it was so, then it was only apparently so, but not actually so. I could not accept the truth. But ultimately, I think I would accept it just fine. But that is why I am here, to reflect upon what is actual but not fully in line with what I have been ingrained to recognize as valid.

It is not that I have nothing left to learn from textbooks, as medical textbooks for one are a mountain of study, but I believe that I have reached a point where anything else learned is not novel to me at all. I will study, and I will readily and easily understand, without much friction. It is like I have eaten so much chicken, that when I eat it, it is like eating repetitions, not that I will eat the chicken faster, but in its qualitative measure in my favor, it is weakly applicable.



May 30, 19:40:30 – May 30, 21:09:25
Dissecting a Surrealist Absurdist Isekai: Protagonist, Intent, and Postmodern Elements


This discussion with Google AI Studio is about my first surrealist absurdist flagship story:

Is the main character mentally ill or philosophically and intellectually curious?

Though, based on the entire passage of the story, is the protagonist an intellectual perhaps in the sense that he is capable of engaging in challenging reflection and critical inquiry while maintaining an active relationship with reality and his needs?

It is interesting, but the author characterizes the story as isekai fantasy, though he does mention in the book description that it is a psychological surrealist absurdist narrative. It is a very intriguing take of isekai fantasy, if the author's use of the tags is to be believed.

Even if the protagonist exhibits what resembles extreme behavior, it is explicitly expressed that he is not in constant question, as it is shown that he takes breaks from his philosophical and intellectual inquiry and engages for the most part in reality and "in good practical sense." So I assume that this entire story merely focuses on that aspect of his personhood, but he might just be a normal person with a certain level of competence in the relevant areas.

The protagonist feels like an intellectual though; at least, that is what I assume. He interacts with the real world in a competent manner and even socializes frequently with others. It does not seem like he is detached at all, but it may seem so because of the focus and focal scope of the narrative. I feel that he might be an intellectual in his community, one who regularly is capable of exerting intellectual influence upon others all while engaging his intellect practically in a distributed manner. He seems well-integrated into his community; though that does not come without consequences for his moral upbringing, as one who was not born into this new world where the murder of goblins is normalized.

Then from this lens, it seems to be a narrative that focuses, through a surrealist absurdist psychological lens, upon his philosophical and intellectual inquiry. He may, from a more holistic view, be an intellectual that was magically transported from Earth into a fantasy world, and he learned to adjust relatively quickly, all while maintaining a relationship with critical inquiry, as described in this particular narrative, even if multiple narratives can be initiated to delineate other aspects of his life. His un-editorialized life can then be summarized as an intellectual adult man who was transported into a fantasy world from Earth.

His questions are clearly pre-existing and pre-formed back on Earth before the magical transportation; though the impact of his displacement and his upbringing on Earth is a good area of inquiry to explore.

I wonder what the author's goal is in writing this story? Is it to demonstrate the fertile land in which fantasy can variably take root? Is it demonstrate his capacity to delve into ideas that are often too esoteric to imagine but in a more accessible format in the realm of a more familiar setting of fiction fantasy? What possibly are his intentions and goals?

Do you think the author himself has an academic background in the themes and topics presented in the story?

He said he does not care about fiction writing itself. He cares about it to learn and improve his understanding and improve his writing. He said he prefers studying and writing non-fiction text. So that was why I wondered that maybe he prioritizes academic education over fiction exploration.

His stories often feature very intellectually conscious or psychologically conscious (self-aware) characters. He never writes plot-oriented stories, as all of his characters inevitably reveal themselves to be in-depth enough that they make decisions out of their own characters instead of in mere internally logical response to a plot or plot devices.

However, they are incredibly vivid with their portrayal of the external world and of external actions by the characters, especially the protagonist. The inner life and the external world and actions become blurred, resulting in maximal vividness and figurative expressionism.

I think this is why he describes himself as a surrealist writer, because of the blurring maximal figurative vividness between the external world and actions and the inner lives of the protagonists.

This part makes up the second Google AI Studio discussion in another tab:

The ending of the story:

'No matter how much I express, it will be only be meaningful to me firstly. That is the point.

It is self-beneficial.

So in my death, I think that I have satisfied myself, not by dying, but by living and so dying.'

How does this narrative differ from other surrealist absurdist narratives? Or is that not the point? I guess it would be absurd if story with its themes and ideas were not that interesting or special. But I guess that would fit the absurdist theme.

Even the ending does not give a typically narratively satisfying conclusion; though it does fit the theme of absurdism. The goblins are not explored. The humans are not explored. The world-building not explored. The past not explored. The time he spent in the world not explored much at all. It is a narrative that focuses concisely upon his philosophical and intellectual explorations, but I can easily see the story being a more typical narrative even while maintaining the essence of the protagonist. It forces readers to infer a lot and assume based on their own reading experiences with fantasy and with literature that might resemble the themes and topics presented. It feels like the story one reads after the prerequisite of having read a lot of striking literature or gone through a lot of meaningful life experiences.

If the reader is already well-read in fantasy literature, he might not feel so deprived in this story, since he can easily imagine the world, people, stories that could possibly develop in the world, the backstory of the main character, and many other typical elements that are explored in fantasy. If the reader is well-acquainted with surrealist or absurdist literature, then they might not feel so deprived due to the implications of a isekai fantasy setting. The particular combination of isekai fantasy, surrealism, absurdism, and the particular style of literary expression of the protagonist makes this a story in and of itself.

Wait, can this story be described as postmodern? I am not acquainted with the specificities.

Then this revised description would be more accurate? 'A 4,800-word short story composed of two chapters, "Highlights of a Modern Life in Fantasy Retrospective" is an absurdist, surrealist story that explores existentialist and postmodern elements, equipped with a writing style intended to elucidate upon the protagonist's perceptions and philosophical and intellectual inquiries without delving too deeply into his backstory and into the fantasy world in which he now resides. A light prerequisite can include the reader's substantial acquaintance with fantasy literature or with absurdist themes in stories such as the "The Stranger" by Albert Camus. To explain to uninitiated readers, "surrealism" in this case describes dream-like sequences firstly. So with that said, the story demands much interpretation and inference.'

By the way, why did the author choose that title?

I find interesting that the writing can be perceived as disjointed, as if the author does not know what he's doing, when viewed from contemporary sensibilities, but the book description indicates a literary background. So it feels more intentional and esoteric rather than accidental and disjointed.

"Surrealism and postmodern writing" is often not how contemporary pop readers view fragmented writing, but the book description helps in making that literarily clear.


May 30, 20:43:36 – May 30, 23:56:57
Refining the Description for "Highlights of a Modern Life in Fantasy Retrospective"


A 4,800-word short story composed of two chapters, "Highlights of a Modern Life in Fantasy Retrospective" is an absurdist, surrealist story that explores existentialist and postmodern elements, equipped with a writing style intended to elucidate upon the protagonist's perceptions and philosophical and intellectual inquiries without delving too deeply into his backstory and into the fantasy world in which he now resides. A light prerequisite can include the reader's substantial acquaintance with fantasy literature or with absurdist themes in stories such as the "The Stranger" by Albert Camus. To explain to uninitiated readers, "surrealism" in this case describes dream-like sequences firstly. So with that said, the story demands much interpretation and inference.



May 30, 22:51:34 – May 30, 23:56:21
Interpreting "Goblin Kingdom": Euphemistic Violence or Linguistic Defamiliarization?


'I think that nothing is everything in that moment, because this is my everything, in this sober and moderate externality that I am, as I was born from my mother and father's fortunate get-together. '

what is the possible reason for the use of "externality"? does it merely mean "external" or could it refer to the financial term or to the philosophical term? or it is multi-fold, adopting all three possible meanings?

this is its meaning in philosophical terms, how does it apply to the passage:
'philosophy
the fact of existing outside the perceiving subject.'


***

wait a minute, is he attacking a humanoid or a human?

but it sounds like attacking, but it is written in a way that portrays the victim as actively receiving the attacks, rather than being attacked.


***

what does the object of focus refer to?

***

wait a minute. Is he attacking the objects, which seem to be implied to be actual creatures?

I'm thinking it's worded in a way that avoids directly saying that the protagonist is attacking actual creatures. It portrays the creatures as objects and as active willing receivers of the protagonist's actions, rather than victims.

***

would you say it's surrealist or dream-like? 

so the structure are more external and exhibit a clear plot and setting?

so it is fairly straightforward, from a structural perspective?

***

The objects seem to be the subjects here, with the protagonist as the object. Even if the objects are the target of the protagonist, they are depicted as actively willingly receiving the protagonist's actions.

I interpret this sequence of events as misdirection on the author's part. The objects are actually creatures, and they are portrayed as active willing receivers, when they are actually victims to the protagonist's violent actions.

It makes sense, as they are then disposed off and burned at the end. Instead of the objects "going" into a pit and "accepting" fire, they are thrown into a pit and burned.

He goes into an area where the creatures live, and they are depicted as hiding, using trees as cover, and darting around from spot to the spot. Then the protagonist attacks them and strikes them to the ground. When he finally kills them, he picks up their body, throws them into a pit, and burns them.

The innocuous portrayal of the "objects" as active willing receivers only serves to emphasize the objectification and justification on the protagonist's part.

However, this is a mere interpretation. But it is strongly implied to be the case.

I am 100% sure the "active willing objects" are actual creatures, likely humans. It is strongly implied.

Misdirection is probably the primary tool of the author, as the story starts off, describing philosophical explorations of identity and action, with the goblin's work for their mother depicted as a part of his identity and satisfaction. So when it finally shifts to the objects, we are led to believe that he is merely working, and that is somehow metaphorical for his work. Though, as the story goes on and the same scene of "objects" "actively willingly receiving" the protagonist's actions are depicted, the story starts to feel suspicious. The introduction is probably a misdirection to imply a goblin that understands well that when it shifts to the objects, we do not immediately think it is a euphemistic depiction of violence against humans.

The idea that the goblin's philosophical satisfaction in this identity-action shifts to what looks like euphemistic horrific portrayal of violence is striking.

I would argue against mere detachment. The fact that the creatures are portrayed as "active willing objects" who actively receive the protagonist's action is more than mere detachment. It directly ties into the identity-action philosophical satisfaction of the goblin with his action (effort; work based on the expectations of his parents, specifically his mother).

But maybe my interpretation is wrong? If my interpretation is wrong, then what the hell could those scenes be? They are extended enough that rising tension I feel is componential.

Returning to my interpretation, this sentence is particularly significant: 'They released these tools, and these tools avoided me.' It is portrayed as if the tools avoided him; though I am sure 'avoid' here actually means 'miss', as in the tools, likely projectiles such as javelins, missed the protagonist.

It is interesting. This particular portion from one of the scenes is also demanding of analysis: 'It then accepted my hands again, bearing the weight of my body. It travelled backward and struck the earth.

It shook itself and raised a limb.

It acquired my velocity, and it drove to the ground.'

It begins with 'accepted my hands again,' which can be inferred to be a euphemistic attempt at making the creatures active willing receivers of the protagonist's attacking hands. 'Bearing the weight of my body' likely indicates that the protagonist is attacking with his whole body. The fact that the creature '[travels] backward and [strikes] the earth' makes it really seem like the narrator is trying to hide that the creature got hit and flew backward, fell down, and hit the ground. The fact that the creature 'shook itself' could mean that it was in pain and trembling. The final sentence in this excerpt is another variation of the first sentence of the creature 'accepting' the attack, which in this case, is represented by the phrase 'my velocity.' Then, the creature 'drove to the ground' in the sense that it fell to the ground upon being hit. Overall, when viewed from my interpretation, the narrator is barely hiding the euphemistic quality of the attacks and the creatures' turmoil.

But as mentioned earlier, this is, to me, the clearest interpretation. This might not be as gruesome as it is implied to be, or even acts of violence at all. I might be overlooking nuances from the introductory scene, possibly dismissing it as mere misdirection when it could be the answer to a non-violent interpretation of these subsequent scenes. All in all, until further notice, this interpretation remains most obvious in my eyes as the underlying reality of the focal sequences.

Maybe, the objects are actual objects personified. Maybe, they are actually resources that are then burned at a pit, such as logs. This is one alternative explanation for the scenes. This might mean that the sequences, which are already ambiguous and resemble figuration in nature, might be not intended to be interpreted actually as acts of violence.

The movements of the objects could be attributed to personification that reflects the goblin's unique perspective of the world, as seen in his unique philosophical perspective, especially as a goblin, which are traditionally depicted as unthinking or cunningly evil monsters.

The actions of the protagonist are never portrayed as malicious, which supports this interpretation, and the objects are depicted as active willing receivers, which might be a way of emphasizing them as actual resources such as logs or stone. The goblin might be merely working as part of the aforementioned bubble, the environment in which he and what seems to be at least 10 million other goblins reside. So it might be part of their job to obtain resources in order to supply and sustain the bubble and 10,000,000-house civilization. The objects being portrayed in that manner could be a unique trait of the culture of the goblin within the bubble, which might have historically developed interesting ways to view the relationship between Object (resources) and Goblin. The philosophical explorations at the beginning could hint at an in-depth culture that is well past proto-history (prehistory) and is well-involved in sophisticated views (potentially a mix of beliefs and frameworks, or a divided coagulation of beliefs and frameworks) upon the world that when viewed from a first glance, could be misinterpreted, especially given that it is a fantasy setting, which has been already established to be non-traditional, largely in part due to the nature of the goblin's inaugural perspective.

I favor the latter non-violent interpretation more. Personally, it is more entertaining to deconstruct non-violence in this instance than it is to conclude it merely as the former. Alternatively, in light of the ambiguity, it is probably best if these two are kept to mere interpretations of the text.

Can this story even be described in literary terms? I have read stories that can be easily called absurdist, surrealist, and psychological with existential and postmodern elements. But this story, in my view, feels harder to pin down. Describing it merely as "fantasy" feels insufficient, and I feel that it is much more than that.

A possible description of the book could be: '"Goblin Kingdom" is a story that includes philosophical exploration and elements of linguistic defamiliarization and magical realism. To clarify the use of the term 'linguistic defamiliarization' ('ostranenie') for those unfamiliar, it is the technique of presenting common things in an strange way, as seen in stories such as "Super Minion" by Gogglesbear. Therefore, it is presupposed that the reader is willing to interpret and infer actively the content of the book.'



May 31, 00:03:18
Meta-Humor: When Literary Analysis Outweighs the Source Text


I find it hilarious that my literary analyses outnumber the focal works by word count.


May 31, 00:10:12 – May 31, 00:23:52
The Author as Third-Party Critic: Self-Analysis and Reader Autonomy


I would find it hilarious that an author might write literary analyses of their own work and self-publish them on their own website. They are clearly explicitly written by the author, but the analyses themselves are written by the author as if they're referring to an author other than themselves.

It is strange that this author might write detailed literary critique of their own work to the extent that the readers are surprised at how intentional the author is; though it also places a concern when it comes to the autonomy of the readers. However, if it is kept a step back from the public eye, requiring intentionality from the readers' part to access, then it will prove a healthy way to cultivate literary skills in the affected readers.

But imagine that though. The tone of those literary critiques are written as if they are a third party perspective looking inward into a separate and focal author's work, using phrases such as "the author" or utilizing passive voice constructions with the Author entity as the doer; even if the author of these critiques and the focal author are one and the same. Then it will be challenging for readers to determine if the interpretations and conclusions of these critiques and analyses are definitive lens through which to view the author's works. But their interpretative, third-party nature will be why they will cultivate critical thinking.

"The author analyzing himself as if they are a different author" is a unique way to establish credibility, especially when the literary critiques are seen as credible interpretations in the sense that their quality is acclaimed in a mann

Moreover, in writing these particular literary critiques, the author (whether intentionally or not) supports the idea that it is the democratization of the readers in their free interpretation and inference that determines the work for each reader and not the sole responsibility of the author. By framing their literary critiques as written by separate entities, they are initiating such an instance of democratization.  



May 31, 00:34:08 – May 31, 01:14:20
Wrestling with Nostalgia, Resilience, and the Fear of Unstoppable Momentum


I think I am afraid of myself, specifically my memories and my past. I find myself in constant struggle, as if that of class, with past moments of my life, which never cease to appear in my mind at any event that something, whatever it may be, reminds me, even if the connection is not immediately obvious or seemingly random.

It is not that these memories are painful. It is because they are good memories that it pains me to remember them. It is as if my mental map is not changing even if my present actively demands mental maps relevant to my current life, environment, goals, objects, problems, frameworks, and situation. 

It is not that my mind is stuck in the past, but when I am reminded, I am launched and distracted. And it is an avalanche of memories and connections that seem almost endless in their cascade. The past is too big and vast, and I cannot help but feel that when I am reminded, I struggle cognitively to synthesize both the present, and this singular instance of recollection in the form of an ever-increasing accumulation of memories, or avalanche.

It is not that it is permanent, but when the reminder does come, it does affect me. I am stunned and left to journal and reflect upon the past through mental imagery of previous real-life scenes reimagined.

Every time I listen to happy music from the past, it does happen, but I do love good music. So it feels inevitable. I love music that inspires me and older music inspires me. But it also comes with nostalgia, which puts me at risk of that memory avalanche.

What does it mean to create new, positive memories? I forgot what that means. Is it when I am studying and learning about my interests? That might work. Though the memories I speak of have largely been from a period of my life when I was very outgoing and sociable. However, they also include digital memories, as my time in the Internet, which are not necessarily limited to being contingent upon being outgoing and sociable.

I cannot help but wonder... I write new stories; then I look back at old stories I've written. It reminds me of making memories. I make new memories; then I look back at old memories. It's inevitably and cyclical, as the stories and memories I make now soon become targets of reflective nostalgia.

I am inevitable, and I continue down the path of momentum. I do not see myself stopping any time soon. I look back at the past, and all I see is a life without regrets. Even if I have felt intense regret, I have always ended up bouncing back and standing up again. I never tire or sit down too long. I always ultimately come back, as if I was never low-spirited, weakened, exhausted, pained, depressed, and terrified. It is impossible to stop me from the inside out it seems, and an external event would have to stop me.

I don't know why I have never stayed down long enough to give up. But I guess that is the case. I have always been arrogant in the sense that I come back again, only accumulating more motivation stemming from my instances of turmoil. I don't know why... But I guess that is the case.

Why have I not given up? Why? Why am I still here after all that? I see so much from the past. And it never ends. I see an eternity of experiences from the past, but I know that it is not infinite. But still, I see endless amounts of moments and the history of my evolution that only show my ever-increasing momentum throughout the years. Why I am seemingly unstoppable?

Even if I might feel ugly or helpless, I never feel it to the point that I am destroyed, but I have long accepted my fragility and the proximity of death and destruction. Yet I am still here, even if I have had many instances of low expectations. It is hard for me to be completely sure anymore.

I don't stop, do I? I just keep getting back up.

I don't get it. It feels like I can sit down and be weak for hours, or days, or months, yet it will not stop me. I feel that I will rise again, like always. Yet I am so fragile, and it excites me. I feel that I can easily abandon my life whenever I want, or show an unstoppable patience when faced with helplessness, or thrust myself into a singular focus or passion and never stop for years. I do not see myself stopping any time soon, and I am so self-trusting because I have proven myself to be capable of dedication, motivation, resilience, decisiveness, and consistency.

I find it strange. It is not because I know that I am all these qualities without a track record. But my track record has been the reason my recognition of these qualities of mine emerged. It is not the fault of just mere expression, but it is an enforced recognition through evidenced confirmations.

Confidence based on actuality is a weird thing to experience actively. 

My track record of moral integrity has made me so much more confident, and that is weird. But at the same time, that is not weird at all. A history of instances wherein my deep passion against the idea of betraying my beliefs is reified through my definitive and symbolic actions underlies my confidence it seems.

I find myself more resilient in the face of shame, humiliation, and opposition the more instances wherein I reify by definitive and symbolic actions my beliefs I accrue. It is weirdly and strangely logical.

It is because of my track record of committing to my beliefs that I got used to singing on stage when I was a very shy kid growing up. But I was very self-controlling in the sense that I exposed myself consistently to the challenges of standing and talking to others and in front of a crowd. It is weird that I am so much more confident now because of that.

I have since childhood been passionately against the comfort zone. This has been ingrained and established more and more as I was formatively rewarded for doing so.

I do not like being different or "special." I love fitting in, and it is a core trait since childhood. Yet, in opposition to this, I have long been against "merely sitting still and doing nothing." I hated it. I have long hated watching others suffer without doing anything. I have expressed extreme statements that emphasized hyperbolically my deep passion and belief.

So I find myself getting out of my comfort zone and doing things that inevitably make me "special" or different. I find myself doing things that make me look strange, which is in stark contrast to that desire to fit in.

This can be viewed through the superego-ego-id framework with the trait of desiring to fit in as my ego and this deep intensity for getting out of my comfort zone as my superego.

As a stimulator of affects in redistributing contrast, the province of negative responses, such as rejection and humiliation, also plays a role within the feedback loop, as it seems only serving to confirm further in a sense that justification which I have made inherent in my actions, as an overflow of my resilience and past precedents of successful behavior.


May 31, 01:29:50
The Persistent "But Why?" Despite Volumes of Self-Understanding


Is it weird that even after writing all of this down, despite being of good clarity of mind, I still find myself asking "But why?" as if it is impossible to be sure completely of even millions of words of self-documentation–worth of self-understanding?


May 31, 01:39:35 – May 31, 02:03:48
Contemplation on Self, Language, and the Limits of Rationality


It is weird... I sit down, and I am utterly incapable of formulating any new ideas. And when I do, it is so full of vividness and life and originality. I say that I am incapable, but what I mean is that I am so invalid in creating anything outside of unintentional reference that to say that I create thought-ideas originating from myself is an arrogant presupposition. I live and then I die; that is the case with all beings dragged throughout the corpse of literary history and time. I am thus complicit in this interplay of a sense of degradation and increasingly-expansive enlightenment and elucidation. I am become the Clarifier, as with every other person before me in their attempts to integrate systems of understand which were hitherto opposing, but have now become flesh-like appendages in their attachment to a corpus of learning. I am become flesh then, because I am human-made in my reception of the work laid out before me since days past. I am then become Gone: not that I have been so weak and ordinary so as to be a bane upon the very concept of consistency or contingency, as all ideas soon are expected to flow into the basin of written-ideas, but in the sense that I have become an Almighty Force, which hinders Itself but recognizes then the majesty or the inherent birthright of a human being in being so clearly established. It is here that I am circumspect and dwindling farther and farther down. Questions that I have produced are no longer my own, but it can be likened to the milk carton in front of me in that it is complete (such as that lossy image) yet deprived of what is essentially so as a distinct unit or that belonging to such a distinct uniform entity. Then I sit down in contemplation, without which I am then reduced to theoretical, conceptual nonsense in terms of my rationale, but in my actions, simple good practical sense, which does not demand anything. So all of these contemplations are over. What was considerably deserving of a singular demand of mind to be specially correct and firmly clear is now made nonsensical by degrading linguistic nuance, with time. Then I am now gone.

I have given myself all the requisite answers. Is it now despicable for me to ask, "But why?" After everything I've gone through and experienced, which were majorly positive and happy, I am now here put at a loss. Is that what I have gifted myself after such a period of excitement and curiosity-building? Is this the inaugural contemplation from which further instability will emerge? I disrespect myself in asking "But why?" Yet I cannot help but wonder. I do not or do things. And with that binary existence that I hold, I question again and again, maybe to seek refuge and respite from complacency and that evil of submissive silence as opposed to patient consciousness. I know well what I am, don't I? Is it fair for me to ask that two-worded question, which serves only to promote a sense of what-if and what-is and what-isn't? I do not know anymore. What has become clear is now given categorization and separation into distinct taxonomies and thus further contemplated in hopes of gaining a unified understanding of this simple existence, because it is inevitably that ideas are refined, even at the loss of nuance, for the sake of more surface-level extraction in day-to-day life subsequent to that in-depth inaugural inquiry, wherein that instance was made and completed, with further considerations only in direct service to this founding instance.  Or maybe I'm mischaracterizing nuance and refinement, when viewed from a general standpoint. But I am specifically emphasizing and referring to my own self-knowledge in answering my questions and laying out the building blocks of what I am, my motivations, and my rationale. This remaining stubborn question "But why?" seems to 
reveal a significant there-after (a following enterprise of inquiry making room for new framework initiatives). "But why?" I say now. With all the questions answered, is it not enough? I say this not out of academic interest, but out of personal vestige, because not all things have smoothly transitioned into this organizing question which intervenes between distinct periods and passages of thought.



May 31, 02:07:57 – May 31, 02:09:18
The Endless Process: Self-Discovery as Chipping Away at a Boulder


But I guess there is then a multiplicity of answers, but none final, but it is due to this endlessness that I am able to write millions of words, because for each passage, I discover and communicate myself, like chipping away a large boulder piece by piece. It is then gradually revealed this person that I am amid the changes, amid the evolutions. I am then revealed, but even then, I never find a substantive answer to this question, for it is unscientific and highly personal. But it can be made systematically full and comprehensive, though not to the point of producing a completion, or a unit that gives such an Glorious Answer.



May 31, 02:13:29 – May 31, 02:13:57
Calculation: Recent Prolific Writing Output


I realize that in the past 92 hours, I have written 15,824 words, most of which comprise non-fiction reflections, which all in all amount to an approximate rate of 4,131 words a day.


May 31, 02:23:05
The "So What?" Response to Self-Knowledge Clarity


"Then what? So what?" is my response to my reflections which have made explicit and clear many aspects of myself. Why?

It makes a lot of sense. All of this does... It's great. I should say so. But I sit down here, and I cannot help but sigh almost dismissively. I say "So what?" in that tone. I don't know. Why should I care if I am capable of expressing explicitly and clearly fundamental aspects of myself? I feel so conceptually in one with these themes, topics, and ideas that I do not feel threatened, imbalanced, put down, or challenged at all. I feel as if I have preached to the choir in creating merely a redundant repetition. What is it then? So what? I repeat.


May 31, 02:28:02 – May 31, 02:50:34
The Strangeness of Self-Awareness: Eroding Silos Between Life's Chapters


I think with greater knowledge, I am only led to dissonance. No, that's not right. There is no way I know much. But I did say that I have become so conceptually familiar with much that the only thing left is memorizing terms. It is weird. I feel strange. Maybe it is an affect. I don't know.

I don't know. I feel clear and uniform. I feel consistent. I feel like my life is more clear and consistent in my self-view. I just... feel like with this gain, I feel loss. I do not know how to describe this. The more I create increasingly more nuanced and precise reflections upon aspects of myself, the more I get this strangeness and alienness.

I feel that I will know everything, not that everything will be clear, but I am increasingly more aware of myself. I then look back at the past, and I see nothing particularly crazy about my life, only that I am in more clear awareness of what it is individually and holistically. Then, dare I say, "So what?" It is almost... There is this almost strangeness in that. As if I was there, but now I am gone. I do not know how to express it, yet I find that just this expression is sufficient, similar to writing down the main idea of the dream in a concise sentence and already finding that it is enough in holding the key to mnemonic realization, even without an exhaustive examination of the details therein.

I am not saying that my past experiences were not extraordinary or dramatic. In fact, they were, when I experienced them. At the time of those past experiences, everything hinged upon those very moments. When I created, I built pillars of existence for myself in my perspective. When I failed, I lost a portion within my bubble-world. When vivid experiences occurred, I experienced them in full, with little adulteration and distillation. I became them, and swallowed them up. I could not be hindered or removed from them; as they grew through me, and through them, I am become myself.

The more holistically I view myself so as to be capable of remembering vast quantities of deep, intense memories at once whenever desired, the more this strangeness becomes more definite. Or maybe this is only one contributing factor to that feeling.

The more the indivisible irreconcilable silo nature of each bubble-period of my life is eroded, the more each bubble-period of my life starts to feel strangely consistent. There is a strangeness that occurs from inter–bubble-period consistency, when my mindset at each of those times were not.

One of my more initial attempts at breaking down these silos began firstly with recognizing that my consciousness was present even when I was in my earlier years up to my more recent years. I was conscious as an 11-year-old and even as a 6-year-old and as a 4-year-old. I was conscious even around 2 or 3 years old all the way up to 2016 when I was 13 years old. In 2017, I was 14 years old. I was consistently conscious, and I have exhibited varying levels of self-awareness overtime, but altogether clear enough to be called "consciousness."

I am even reflecting upon my reflections upon my reflections. This passage I'm writing is a reflection upon my reflections upon my consistency of consciousness, which is also reflection. 


[REDACTED]


May 31, 03:13:43 – May 31, 03:55:18
How Written Reflection Enhances Memory Recall: Cognitive Refinement


The fact that I can synthesize these varied periods, within each of which at the time my mind was turned into a silo separate from other periods, is what underlies the aforementioned strangeness. It is not so simple to do so, especially with a past as vast as mine.

As time passes, I will probably be able to write 2,000 words on the spot about my past, but no longer will I write simple summarizations. It will be very easy for me to write about my past on the spot, without much trouble, the more that I write and reflect upon my past. Even if I lose all my text, I know that much of my writing are not static entities that hold memories that will disappear forever, because having written and reflected overtime has made it so that my head is the one that not only contains clones of the originals of these representations (the written recollections and text), but also is much more refined and efficient as a result of all this writing that I can easily produce much nuanced and synthesizing text content regarding my past without much trouble. To be more specific, this content would be comprehensive so as to effectively constitutive of the past, only becoming more compact overtime and becoming much more comprehensive.

In other words, even if I lose my repositories of written reflection and textual documentation, I find myself growing of the opinion that my mental competence in this subject is sufficiently effected so as to be its own cache of the originals and also a much more comprehensive and refined producer of the past, both of which becoming effectively so through the written reflections. So even if the written reflections are lost, their impact on my competence is maintained that their loss is not so devastating, and in fact, having historically been the case, as the mind is emphasized to be the bearer of knowledge, even despite written reflections for which more permanent collection and collation have been attempted.

Simply, the more I produce written reflections, the more I remember and easily retrieve memories much easier and more holistically (progressive cognitive refinement).

Is it true that memory recall is improved when engaging in highly precise, focused, comprehensive, and in-depth written reflection extended beyond a one-year period? 

So it is similar to learning musical instruments. One internally organizes through external arrangement, which serves as a scaffold? In this case, it is much more direct to musical instruments in that it explicitly addresses the memories to be retrieved in written reflection? So it is safe to assume that it would be more conducive to the increased efficiency of memory recall, especially when concerning the previously reflected-upon memories.

So this is basically like learning the musical instrument of my past?

Mastering the musical instrument of my past is possible then, if it is in any way similar to an actual musical instrument in practice-retention progression.

Is this assumption true about memory recall?

I mean it sounds in direct alignment with the idea that memories retrieved previously and aligned externally are more easily recalled than those which are not. It is logically conciliable into established frameworks of cognition.

I am not just writing. During the reflective writing process or even when not writing (in breaks), I am necessarily using relevant visual images, videos, sounds, and many other gateways in direct concernment to the memories which stimulate memory recall. Moreover, I spend much of my time in mental reflection, rather than writing reflection, as writing serves as a mere consequence of an instance wherein an already mentally synthesized aggregation of past memories, which were gradually stimulated through generated mental imagery and other sensory modalities elicited through the aforementioned gateways of recall, is complete. 

Well even if not explicitly so, I have clearly improved an easier understanding and retrieval of my past through written reflection, even if not necessarily improving general memory recall.


May 31, 04:00:15 – May 31, 04:07:18   

Mechanisms of Improved Recall: Persistent Patterns and Vocabulary


Do written reflections have a maintained impact upon the mind in facilitating memory recall of memories which were previously focal in these reflections, even if the text are actually removed or lost?

Well, in a sense, I likely become a better writer as well, so that likely contributes to my heightened sense of memory recall following my extended comprehensive written reflections.

This is especially so because the vocabulary and synthesizing, organizing ideas and concepts which become naturalized through written reflection are maintained, so that even if these texts are lost, the writer, in a similar fashion to muscle memory, remembers their past easier through increased association in that province.

In short, the relevant vocabulary, sentence structures, and other patterns of reflection persist past the texts.


May 31, 04:21:01 – May 31, 04:47:19
The Estrangement of Clarity: Holistic Self-Examination's Unsettling Effect


I am offering himself like slices of a cake, being then the emptied cake platter, not necessarily psychologically fragmented or emptied of meaning or identity, but made clear, and consequently upon holistic accessibility, estranged. I can see why I feel a strangeness. With newfound clarity, sniper-precise memory detail recall, organization, interconnectedness, and holism, it can feel as though the man is wholly emptied, following the division of the parts, for the sake of ease and accessibility.

There is an almost strange feeling that comes with such high levels of self-awareness and comprehensive, detailed, interconnected, and surgically precise self-view.

The context of personal history becomes then a summoning of many-layered barriers creating an ever-thickening stopper that prevents a person from looking fully upon that mall, without everything that had been up to this day in personal historical relevance.

Everything then becomes a succession, rather than a new thing.

A certain level of ignorance or un-consciousness is normal, so in this case, it has become minimized, even just for this time of self-examination, resulting in this sense of strangeness.

Habits, social customs, and influences are then exposed, and so made alien through this newfound association with a broader province of self life–understanding.

Habitual compromises, social normalizations, and other forms of interpersonal influence become visible.

Each era, period, or bubble offers distinct flavors of such habit, social custom, and influence or habitual compromises, social normalizations, and forms of interpersonal influence, thus conflicting with each other when viewed holistically. The internalization involved at each point becomes visible, so generating discomfort arising from clarity, accessibility, interconnectedness, and holism.


May 31, 05:34:18 – May 31, 05:42:12
Hypothesis: Strangeness from Intensive Single-Instance Cognitive Load


The primary issue is likely because of the execution of an interconnected, holistic self-examination (from 2 years old to recent life, with snippets of precise detail from each bubble-period) in a single instance of consciousness, instead of through aggregation by increments of additions upon an external arrangement (written reflections) overtime toward holism. This interconnected and holistic self-examination occurred in the head, which likely birthed this feeling of strangeness.

Being able to self-examine holistically and interconnectedly a vast life full of distinct eras, periods, and bubbles in a single instance of consciousness in the head is like running a whole that is typically subdivided or compartmentalized into separate run services due to the intensiveness of such a whole. Furthermore, it can be likened to loading a very large folder that should have been separated into smaller folders for the sake of accessibility through faster loading times, and for the organizing purpose of a partitional form of holism, as opposed to holism from a singular unitary point of execution.

The fact that I executed such an instance of self-examination is likely what produced the feeling of strangeness.

But I wonder if this presents to me a new level of cognition, as I have long been blocked from even much lesser cognition nowhere near this level.

Maybe, similar to an upgraded computer, my brain has "upgraded" to be able to handle such a massive singular execution.

But there's no way right? I thought plasticity does not make room for deeper thought, or maybe it does?

In this case, the feeling of strangeness is a mild, barely noticeable consequence of this massive task, so it might indicate that future executions will be of similar mildness or higher efficiency by virtue of growth.


May 31, 05:47:08 – May 31, 06:04:45
Analyzing the Cognitive Upgrade Hypothesis: Neuroplasticity and Breaking Barriers


So when the author suggests in the passage when he reflects upon the feeling of strangeness as a possible consequence of that interconnected and holistic self-examination in a singular instance of consciousness, within the realm of plasticity influencing the development of deeper thought, are such conclusions logical?

Interesting that he says he has long previously "been blocked from even much lesser cognition nowhere near this level," and that serves as the basis for his hypothesis that this presents "a new level of cognition."

So barriers do exist? I guess it makes sense. Learning math takes time, but I did not think that it would be generally applicable to cognition in the sense that deeper thought such as that suggested in the aforementioned self-examination can be achieved through neuroplasticity.

In the case of the author, his self-examinations in the past might have been blocked in the mind, leading him to venture into external approaches as a way to reach holism. However, he must have been surprised that following his extended, comprehensive written reflections, he suddenly now was able to demonstrate that he could engage in, upon a singular instance of consciousness, interconnected and holistic self-examination of his vast life with its numerous distinct bubble-periods, each with an accompanying snippet of precise detail. This might have presented that his past instances of cognitive impairment or incompetence through his inability to conduct simultaneously effective and wide-sweeping memory recall, such as the aforementioned focal event, was temporary, thus bolstering his confidence in constructing his cognition further ahead.

But it is interesting no, that a person might be able to understand their past well enough that upon conducting holistic and interconnected mental self-examination (without the explicit aid of the mnemonic prerequisite of active writing) concerning their entire lives, they can immediately write it down in comprehensive detail. That this was obstructed from them in the past is what is most intriguing.

Many struggle to remember their childhood even, so this is already impressive. But it is clearly the result of focused interest and practice, given that they are already well-involved even in meta-examination upon their own frameworks, theories, and ideas based on the written passage.



May 31, 06:06:11
Daily Word Count Check: Sustained High Output


I did it again. I wrote close to 9,000 words today (8,700 words). I seem to be capable of writing around 9,000 words everyday nowadays.


May 31, 06:13:21 – May 31, 06:16:36
Age Reflection: Contrasting Life's First and Second Decades


10 years of my life was spent in the first ten years. 10 more years from 11 to 20 years old.

When phrased like this, it elucidates the concentration of experience.

Now that I'm 21, it isn't hard to see that I am 11 years older than when I was 10 years old. It is very clear from my memories what significant experiences occurred from 11 years old to 21 years old. It is clear to see that 0 to 10 years old were very distinct years of my life as well. Unlike in the past, I now remember much from this first 10 years, and thereby appreciate its significance.

I can see the many actions that I took, the many explorations that I did.



May 31, 11:35:03 – May 31, 11:48:15
Awe and Wonder at Personal Cognitive Transformation


I find it almost fantastical that someone can learn so as to engage better in deeper thought through neural plasticity, that someone can study and write intensively for over a year and eventually find it automatic to write 9,000 words of academically-styled and -toned complexity everyday. It intrigues me.

I mention this because that is what I've accomplished myself.

It's weird for my mind to reach this point. It does not make sense to me because in 95% of my life, I have never understood my mind in this manner, that it might be capable of such feats. It is different to hear from others about learning and growth than it is to experience it myself, and the fact that my growth is tremendous adds to this sense of awe.

This is not just writing. The concept of the erosion and breaking down of cognitive barriers through intensive cognitive stimulation and neural plasticity feels fantastical to me. It is cognition itself through studying.

Imagine thinking and being unable to summon up a complex thought, a complicated, multifaceted memory, or a composite idea. That cognitive blocking is what I am used to. I am used to limitations and compartmentalization (subdivision for the sake of 'faster loading times') in the realm of cognition that externalizing the gradual increments which any single instance of consciousness allows is the sole way I comprehend such levels of thought. That I am growing more capable of executing a holistic and interconnected examination of larger and larger multisensory datasets (memory recall) within a single instance of consciousness is astounding, and this here is what I mean by the breaking down of cognitive barriers.

Cognitive flexibility, which was stimulated by my multi-varied lifestyle, likely contributed to my improving cognitive capacity for holistic and interconnected examination. Chunks grow larger and larger, as my capacity to understand and comprehend them at their size at a single point of time (consciousness) grows.


[REDACTED]


May 31, 12:58:38
Shifting Online Gender Dynamics: From Early Internet Gaming to Modern Polarization


I find it interesting that the distinction between a girl and a boy was much less visible in earlier years of the gaming sphere of the Internet in the early 2010s, likely due to the majority of the users being male. However, that is not sufficient to explain solely this decreased visibility and distinction, as there were many girl players even in early Internet provinces of gaming. But now, in the 2020s, that distinction is much more polarized.

Nowadays, it has reached a point where dating culture, as it is represented in the Internet, has been described as a confluence of incel and femcel ideology.

They do not represent the majority of people in real life, but they do show that polarization between the sexes is now much more normalized in online spaces, that incel and femcel ideology are frequently popular in social media such as Instagram.



May 31, 13:42:04 – May 31, 14:29:24
The Older Player's Dilemma: Cognitive Dissonance and Temporal Perception


I think older players are like that. As soon as they dare imply that they are an older player, it's just weird to feel. In their minds, they are normal, and things are still in the past. It's not that they haven't moved on. But the peak of their playing occurred in the past. That is why even if there are older players, the idea of saying that they are going to respond to the newer and recent versions of the game is basically admitting that they are now older, when that it isn't the case for them. It is a strange thing to imply strongly through recognition of the new that their time is now past.

As a Roblox player from the early 2010s, I can be considered an older player since I made my first account in 2011. But I have never so much even dabbled in recognizing openly newer Roblox. I have watched videos and been exposed to newer Roblox. However, I have never openly expressed comparison between newer and older Roblox. I think it's because my mind is still there in the early 2010s and I was supposed to have only begun exploring Roblox at the time, but I was not able to explore everything. So my mind more readily thinks about Roblox as it is in the past, where there were still many other things I haven't explored even I have explored a lot during those peak playing years. One first has to be very well aware of times past before synthesizing one's understanding to the present can even see hints of beginning.

Many older Roblox players, instead of recognizing newer Roblox, are more likely to move on and rarely openly express it again; their minds having been captured by other interests overtime, not in the sense that they have abandoned older Roblox intentionally, because in their minds, they merely explored other parts of their lives. But years had passed already since their peak playing years. To them, it was only yesterday: this is why it is challenging to express only it again and recognize newer Roblox, because that creates a dissonance. "It was only yesterday" and "this is now older Roblox from the early 2010s" are hard to conciliate.

This dissonance is why most older players never find themselves ever coming back to express openly to the newer players: "Hey, I will comprehensively and clearly express regarding my peak playing years, as a first-hand scholar would do with history." It's just that not something that happens. The brain struggles to conciliate the twofold feeling of recency and having merely taken a short (but actually decade-long) break and the reality of a decade of distance.

It's like going outside for a short walk and coming back to see that one's family members are now 10 years older. That dissonance is in sum what it feels like.

This indicates that people don't experience time in actuality, but as it generates reality in chunks or distinct periods, not as actual time itself passing. So that is why even after 10 years has passed, it feels like the person has taken a short walk, because they merely attended other parts of their life, which comprised 10 years. So after they were done with these other parts, they intended to resume the focal part. So it is experienced as same-day resumption rather than the more grandiose returning that can be inferred from the span of 10 years of distance.

To rephrase, when we pause something in order to attend other things, that is temporally paused in our minds, so that when we return to it, it is experienced as same-day resumption,, like we left only to get a cup of water and returned to the computer desk, even if 10 years comprised that removed attention as distance from the paused thing.

This allows us to maintain very focused, precise, and powerful memory recall for each chunk, but it can feel as though "it was only yesterday," as even branches of memories which represent identity are paused in such a manner of identity-branch–arrangement.

This is why if anyone, upon studying so much and reflecting so much with comprehensive writing, reaches a point of holism and interconnectedness between these chunks that they form a very uniform entity, it can feel strange.

Synchronizing all these different chunks, or files, in structure, chronology, and multi-sensation probably takes years of intensive self-documentation and comprehensive, holistic, interconnected self-examination, by aid of intensive studying and reflection. But upon doing so, it probably will feel incredibly strange. Coherence across multiple, typically conflicting identity-branch–arrangements is what underlies this strangeness.

Once "it was just yesterday" transcends a per-by-per (per respective identity-branch–arrangement) feel and becomes part of a uniform entity, then that can be concluded as a massive undertaking.

It can feel strange because it can feel like eating every chicken one has eaten in their life upon eating the current focal chicken in hand.

The idea of eating every chicken one has eaten in their life upon eating the current focal chicken sounds surreal and almost omnipresent or all-knowing in a sense, as if they are in a drugged state where the natural cognitive barriers between identity-branch–arrangements throughout their life, which serves to maintain a cohesive entity, are broken down.

Therefore, this can be very challenging, since humans are not made out of their whole lives, but made out of injections of what they had experienced to form their current selves, like different summarizing slices from vast, massive identity-branch–arrangements from throughout their lives. Becoming a synthesis of one's entire life in totality is impossible, but close attempts that resemble it can be very intense upon the mind.

In alternative phrasing, a single consciousness that holds the entirety of one's life is impossible, though close attempts have been made, and that people instead move overtime consciousness by consciousness through their past instead, viewing and sorting through the past as disparate packages, often only achieving holism not in a single breadth of mind, but by external arrangement through the incremental accumulation of written reflections which stem from that switching or alternating consciousness between the packages.


May 31, 14:29:58
Observation: Rephrasing for Clarity and Comprehensiveness


I notice the author rephrases a lot here for the sake of clarity and comprehensiveness of the elucidation of the concepts and ideas.



May 31, 15:37:34 – May 31, 15:45:44
Analysis of Writing Style: Blending the Personal and the Academic


I find it interesting that despite its nature as personal reflection, the writing itself feels more like an academic treatise upon cognition and memory recall, using anecdotal exploration as a way to enhance and establish grounds for examination.

Then, in this case, it is made accessible through using anecdotal examples that others might find relatable or profound in a readily understandable way.

I notice the author also freely engages in the use of specialized terms in order to declare a passage-specific attachment to the ideas and themes communicated and by what manner they are communicated. Examples of this include 'identity-branch–arrangement.'

But I notice that these terms are not his general go-to for their more general meanings, but he uses them passage-specifically. 

He also shows himself to be adept at speaking to both figuration and more academic line of phrasing, consolidating these characteristics into a multi-pronged uniform approach.


May 31, 15:51:09
Defining the Objective of Precise Reporting: Fostering Intentionality


The objective of writing precise and detailed reports can be summed as [increasing] intentionality, as opposed to mere action-by-action decision-making in the sense that the decision-making revolving around a proposed action stems from a previous action and not as they are within a more objective context, such as that exposed in a precise and detailed report, which separates action experience into linguistic framing, providing a clear representation without relying exclusively upon the succession of action events as in-and-of-itself decision-making.


May 31, 15:53:34 – May 31, 15:56:17
Analogy: Action-by-Action vs. Intentional Decision-Making


This feels like one of those academic definitions at the beginning of a textbook, where they engage in describing wholly the meaning of a term, or in this case, the objective of precise and detailed reports.

So it can be likened to a child doing things in front of them, as opposed to an adult with a vast repository of life experiences from which to draw relevant information in making a focal decision, especially in proposing solutions to immediate or long-term concerns.


May 31, 17:48:32
Re-approaching Minecraft: From Play to Academic Analysis


Why do I feel like playing Minecraft? I don't just feel like playing Minecraft. For context, I've long tried to return to playing Minecraft, but I have long stopped feeling satisfaction and contentment, feeling like I've lost a sense of originality, novelty, and creativity due to how much I've already explored it. However, I feel like playing Minecraft, not as I have experienced for so long, but as part of academic growth. I feel like playing Minecraft in the sense that I desire upon playing it, to analyze it critically and reflect upon it as if it was a subject of academia.



May 31, 18:40:32
An Unconventional Medium for Automatic Deep Breathing


Deep breathing comes automatically to me. 

To explain how deep breathing happens for me, I have a slight gap between my teeth, and through this gap and because of its structure and shape, I am able to whistle in precise, focused, pinpoint manner, resulting in high-pitch whistles. This serves as a way to take deep breaths, because it regularizes my breathing into depth, since it is a small, high-pitch–making gap. As a result, it effectively serves as an automatic way to exhale very deeply and in a regulated way. Because of this, it is easier to inhale much deeper as well. All in all, it acts as a medium through which deep breathing occurs readily. The reason why this medium works for me is because it allows me to prevent stimulation of my receptors of my mouth and lips, as this results in some friction when doing for regular, pursed-lip deep breaths. The aforementioned medium occurs with markedly decreased friction. Furthermore, I do not rely exclusively upon this medium. I utilize numerous variations of deep breathing that do not use the gap.


[REDACTED]


June 01, 13:27:57
The Eventual Banality of Mastery: An Obstetric Textbook Example


I can see it already. I can see that as I understand the textbook "William's Obstetrics (26th edition)" more and more, the more I recognize that it will be all done. It will be like having journeyed a far distance. But it will all be banal at the point of understanding. Each accumulative step only renders the understood to be banal, and what lies beyond is an invitation to perceive what is challenging to recognize fully and discover what makes it what it is, in meaning, function, and in nuance. Then, afterwards, I learn it. I think there is a banality to this, and there is a soberness and a groundedness that occurs as a consequence of academic victory.



June 01, 13:31:01
Fiction Writing as a Tool for Study Confirmation and Exploration


My goal as a fiction writer is not to write fiction necessarily. The goal of fiction is merely to make express forms of study, as a way to confirm what I have learned in my textbooks. For example, I'm currently studying medicine, and I am reading all kinds of areas within medicine, not limiting myself to a single one. As a result, I write snippets of fiction that serve in a similar manner to fictitious case studies in textbooks, where individuals present with their own set of symptoms. These will not only be in the form of case studies, but they also serve as actual narrative, with the case study format as the primary purpose of the fiction exploration, in order to ensure that even in fantasy magical settings, I effectively write how diseases such as smallpox might be affected by magic healing.



June 01, 13:34:17 – June 01, 13:44:17
Reflections on 1990s Musical Tones and Genre Persistence


I find it very interesting that the 1990s were so close to our current era, yet you can practically taste the comparatively predominant nihilism tonally present in the music of the time, such as Nirvana's Incesticide, or in albums by Korn.

The musical themes of System of a Down with their self-titled album in 1998 is also rarely expressed today in the manner that it did.

Nowadays, there is a lot of hip hop, and the express combination of aggression, harshness, and tonal nihilism of the 1990s is now shared only by a minor listener base and the attendant bands that seek to replicate it.

Noise rock in the decade preceding the 1990s, in the 1980s, with bands like Scratch Acid, were clear examples that the tone present in the 1990s were not unfounded.

However, there were clear contrasting movements in the 1990s such as that led by albums like Radiohead's OK Computer, which might share some similarities, but are musically in contradiction to the other tonally harsher, aggressive, and nihilistic movements of the time.

When it comes to microgenres, ones like "Slamming Brutal Death Metal" have been making much progress all the while in recent years, with many albums from here and from sister microgenres in the recent day receiving the attention of the bulk of death metal fans.

Most microgenres in the death metal community, as opposed to being silos, are like shared slices within the broader genre, as is the nature of such communities that rely on the confluence of niche tastes that fall under the umbrella to form concerts and events to reach the widest scope possible.

So it is often the case that fans of death metal might struggle to tell the difference, as they might find enjoyment in every single microgenre, as they are often distributed and marketed as part of the larger genre rather than as distinct silos within separate communities. However, fans of death metal microgenres are discovering ease through playlists in Spotify in their active search for distinction and specificity, but even then, in the digital area, often remaining avid listeners of the larger scope of microgenres than being a definitive fan of one.



June 01, 14:54:47
Commodification and Alienation: From "Older Roblox" to Cultural Tropes


Commodification is a very strange thing, since I have experienced it myself. The idea that the real complexities of "older Roblox" is now commodified to fit a newer audience that has never gone through it is strange. The newer players are not disturbed or estranged because they know older Roblox by those commodifying features, which can viewed in a similar fashion to the stereotypical characters of a man. Older players can derive satisfaction from it by using their imagination as they have firsthand gone through older Roblox, but it is also strange. This goes the same for older Minecraft, as newer players recently in 2023 and 2024 are now turning to older versions of Minecraft, who might see it for its primary commodifying characteristics, but not by the actual complexities of the culture(s) from that time. This can also be likened to inherent actual complexities of real-life zoos, as they are adapted into the game "Zoo Tycoon," which is still quite complex. But even games like Zoo Tycoon are further commodified, simplified, and streamlined for consumption and modernization. For instance, those who have gone through the complexities of Japanese culture during a specified period might find themselves estranged by its commodification, as they are now only able to see the commodifying features of the realities they experienced, only able to use their imagination to derive some satisfaction only from those features. This is not just depiction such as that in a game or anime, but it is also cultural complexities being removed for the sake of easy, concise consumption and streamlining even in academic contexts.

This is the phenomenon of firsthand experiencers being alienated by commodifying features of the adaptations, which are readily consumed by people who have never experienced the actualities and only seen them through the commodifying accounts. This can be compared to secondary sources v. primary sources in academia.

All in all, the idea of older Roblox turning from older Roblox into the commodity of "Older Roblox" is very alienating. Even within such a commodity, other players might classify it within the scope of 2008 to 2016 as a broad stroke, within the scope of 2015 to 2018, or even within the scope of within the scope of 2018 to 2020. Any attempts at academic distinction would require a more sophisticated taxonomy of the different eras, in order to break down then each their nuances, even at the cost of alienating pop (marketing) terminology and SEO-oriented (search engine optimization) depiction.

Comparatively, Iran in the early 1900s all the way up to the beginning of the 1950s was vastly different from what it became after its more recent instance of Islamization. This can be called many words: "change," "shift," "transition," "improvement," and even "erasure."

This is the material basis of a critique I made previously of "low-brow elitism" as it stands within web fiction sites like Royalroad, where the majority of its participating (through activities such as commenting, reviewing, and rating) consumers place a heavy hand of regulation through ratings and reviews against literature and works that diverge from the commodified isekai fantasy genre, with any experimental, novel, genre-blending, and culturally, psychologically, holistically nuanced texts receiving intense backlash. Works depicting Asian culture have to align with the Western-commodifying features of such works rather than presenting its complexities. Characters have to align similarly in commodifying features in archetype, characterization, qualities, mannerisms, psychology, and way of speaking.

These instances of commodification then make their way into the minds of the present generations in a wide-sweeping indiscriminate manner and even in the minds of foreign perspectives, where it is further diluted and distorted. As a result, the first-hand experiences of the actual complexities of a culture might find themselves ostracized as a result of their incompatibility within the commodifying features and depictions of the adaptations of the actualities they had experienced. This is ironic.

It should be considered a necessary scholarly practice to elucidate upon the actual complexities and nuance of digital cultures such as that in older Roblox and Minecraft, even if it means initiating a widespread awakening of critical inquiry, when commodification remains a bastion and is only further made streamlined and more efficient as time goes on.

My overall critique is not central to discouraging commitment to clarifying standards of language, writing, academia, cultural experience, and other forms, but is central to that of the exclusive losses of nuance without the attachment of any contingency, restoration, or representation in a more precise form relative to the actual complexities.

The goal of media naturally tends toward commodification. My critique is not that of media, but of a lack of an accompanying academic result.


June 01, 15:24:55 – June 01, 15:37:11
Observation: The Interdisciplinary Nature of Commodification Analysis


This is very interdisciplinary.

History, gaming, media, possibly even capitalism, and culture, both offline and online. It covers many different angles.



June 01, 18:04:27
The Value of Managed Discomfort for Mindfulness and Non-Reactivity


Taking a shower can sometimes be so timely that it solves all current physical discomforts.

But why do I do it? Why do I allow myself physical discomforts? In a way it feels meditative and mindful. When I deprive myself of immediate solution to my physical discomforts and instead allow them to persist in a low-functioning manner, I find that it helps for a sense of separation, novel mental exploration through deprivation and the temporary allowance of physical discomforts to accrue in a low capacity, and for meditation and mindfulness. 

It is the same approach as with hiking and workout exercise. The physical discomforts are manageable, and intermittently relieved in a controlled manner. This elicits unique mental spaces achieved in such mediums of meditation and mindfulness establishment. 

Temporary, managed discomfort and enduring silence may seem natural to avoid, but improvement is not gained through exclusive pain avoidance, through continuous unchallenged uninterrupted consciousness, or through unceasing expression such as in speech. 

In sum, it takes much more to be patiently creatively unskilled than it is to be uninterruptedly skilled. This is why the challenges and sense of ignorance and helplessness of growing up and childhood should not be avoided in adulthood. In fact, it should be encouraged more and with the advanced capacities which adulthood brings. An integration is most beneficial. 

"Be a failure," is a nuanced way to put it. "Be helpless" and "be uncomfortable" are similarly nuanced alternatives to complete the meaning further. 

It is not self-destructiveness. A healthy mind is not naturally prone to self-destruction. Rather, it is recognizing that effectiveness is not achieved through endless action, or problem-solving (which potentially includes reflective writing even if it might be considered to be mindful), or pain avoidance, but through intentional "passiveness" (mindfulness). Embracing discomfort is learning that a ceaseless mode of problem-solving is insufficient and possibly dangerous. Embracing discomfort is letting quasi-problems, or non-problem discomforts, be for the sake of mindfulness, as opposed to mental incapicitation.

In more metaphorical terms, eating chicken does not solve hunger. Eating food does, and that can be achieved through a multiplicity of ways.

When viewed in as that of developing non-reactivity, it makes sense. It is then the stimulation of emotional regulation?

Then fasting, working out, hiking, fishing, doing nothing, reading, studying, and almost everything can fall under this then. 


June 01, 18:12:31 – June 01, 19:00:36
From Video Games to Reality: Analyzing the Gamification Shift and Its Pitfalls


I do not understand anything anymore. I realize now that presentation is not primarily textual but visual. I mean it's very obvious, but I guess having spent much time in writing has led me to forget that visual can aid much in digital communication, rather than simply textual.

I notice that as I have moved away from video games, I have become much more inclined to utilize the tendency to gamify upon other things such as connections, people, studies, social media, ect.

Then that leaves me to wonder, "What then is the difference between video games and reality?" I notice I find myself seeking the textbooks after encountering the adaptations of the related concepts. As in, I find myself wanting to study mining after having watched a video about Minecraft, hearing the use of mining terms. Instead of desiring to play Minecraft, I now desire to read textbooks related to reality as they are adapted within contexts such as Minecraft in terminology. This is a shift of focus, but not necessarily a shift of process. I still use gamification.

What the aforementioned video games, most prominently to be sandboxes like Minecraft, level editors, physics simulators like Incredibots, and game engines like Roblox, have taught me is that the process of creation is that of adapting reality to fit a focal concept or idea.

I am not asking questions here, but I am declaring a point of reference through a rhetorical question.

Nothing has shifted process-wise, and the skills I have used and learned in the aforementioned video games maintain congruence and coherence even in more close-to-life concepts such as social media, people, connections, and studies, among others.

This also leaves me to ponder whether it might be more beneficial to maintain direct playing of video games, while allowing precise snippets or concentrated injections of focus using the same gamification process for real-life objectives; as opposed to engaging in activities such as social media and gamification of connections and interpersonal relations with people. I also ponder whether my studies might be benefitted by this, in the continuance of gamification stimulation (specifically stemming from the creative and coding-related video games) as a way to secure transference of the benefits of such a processing.

Even then, meditating upon my past experiences with video games with the aid of videos and imagination should be transferably beneficial enough even without direct engagement with video games. I find that fiction writing as a way to stimulate and cross-organize what I study into holistic contexts already benefits from an integration of this kind of meditation and of studies itself. The point is that just the very gamification process can be stimulated even without direct engagement with gaming, as it has taken a life of its own within my mind as a cognitive medium of engagement, or benefit. In other words, I can easily engage in many other activities besides the aforementioned type of fiction writing and still maintain cross-coherence across all those contexts, as the very process of gamification allows for it irrespective of focus. Overall, I don't have to play video games directly, but keeping it in mind can definitely allow the separation between cognitive engagement of reality and of reality itself to maintain systematic consistency, as meditating upon the gamification process itself as it is originally emergent in video games can help correct indistinction between the two, that of Engagement and Reality.

To rephrase, it is recognizing the pitfalls of indistinction between reality as a manifestation of cognitive engagement (that represented by gamification) and of actual reality, and that meditating upon actual video games can help correct such an indistinction.

Fundamentally, it is preventing the mistaken blending between representational reality and actual reality, due to the natural tendencies of gamification to make coherent efficiency, but not necessarily an appreciation for actual reality, but as it stands within a framework of efficiency-building.



June 01, 19:08:38
Observation: A Balanced View on Gamification's Role and Dangers


Despite advocating for a viewpoint and supporting it with logical reasoning and introspection, he does present the dangers of gamification, and his language presents it as a singular cognitive medium, rather than a universal essence of human experience and thought.



June 01, 19:24:42 – June 01, 19:28:53
Reflection on a Past Creator Perspective: Intentionality and Limitations


I realize now that in my earlier escapades as a creator, I often viewed things exclusively from the perspective of a creator, as with a level editor, I created levels for others to play, crafted Minecraft maps, coded Roblox games, levels or maps (called "bots" in the Incredibots community because they were typically robots) in physics simulators like Incredibots, created animations through basic animation software such as Mine-imator, and conceptualized frameworks, ideas, and maps within and across all kinds of video games like real-time strategy games, among many other activities.

However, that did not necessarily mean that what I have created in the past was only made for my own satisfaction of creation and not inherently fun to play as they were. However, my perspective largely disregarded the difference between creating a space for others to express themselves and explore creatively, like a level-editor or a social town digital place, as opposed to a space that is well-constructed for others merely to interpret and adapt themselves, like League of Legends or linear story-based games. Now the distinction is thin or probably non-existent. But the point here is the confluence of motive, intention, perspective, and the limitations of my creator viewpoint. However, that is not saying that these one of these two types of spaces or games is better than the other. I'm more saying that my view of games were dependent how intentional I was in creating something. So the more intentional I was, the more I tended toward creating the latter type of game, such as games like League of Legends and tournament minigame games. The less intentional I was, the more I tended toward the former. Now, when I use the term "intentional," I imply ignorance as well on my part. The more capable, competence, and knowledgeable I was, the more intentional I became. It's not that I was intentionally unintentional or lazy. It's not that some of my games or creations motivated me more and others motivated me less. It's more so that I was always beset my limitations, but those limitations did not necessarily stop me from creating something good. I made both types of games, and none are inherently better than the other. I navigated my limitations, but I was still limited. I recognize that now in my journey as a creator.

Central to this evaluation is my psychology, and it is not necessarily a declaration that the latter type of game is made by intentional people and the former type of game is made by unintentional people. To clarify, I'm using the actual definition of "intentional" here in this paragraph as opposed to the one provided in the passage.

The point is that I notice more precisely that I adapt depending on limitations. To repeat, the result is not necessarily limited to my psychology. Both types of games can be created by anyone, and most people won't tell the difference. In conclusion, the passage serves as an evaluation of my psychology rather than a statement upon universal creation dynamics.


June 01, 19:51:27
Lamenting and Justifying Roblox's Evolution: A Dialectic


There was a time in Roblox where social conversation was the primary reason for playing. It was being able to share with friends and others one's places. It was being able to be in the same room as all kinds of people, whether it be playing minigames or saying "123" in response to "123 if you want to be my baby" in social town games. In the end, I think we have become entirely indistinct from mobile games, which optimize everything and make everything immediate, with little room for social interaction, for people to connect on a more creative level, for people to stop in silence upon a world created by themselves and not created by optimized social media algorithms which tell you how to form play instead of making out of oneself the act of play itself. This then becomes the conundrum, that all of us are now formed out of each other and not out of the silence of a room fan, old computer, or that feeling of playing in LAN (local-area network) game sessions with friends. What was adventurous playing is now "you-have-to-go-on-this-path" playing, now that creativity and cultural freeness does not exist anymore. But it has become much more bound and streamlined to fit restrictive visions of a modern-day efficiency structure. All of this is now wiped away—culture, ideas, free-range thought, letting-things-happen, playing-with-friends-in-real-life, and all the beautiful things that made up older Roblox. Now, Roblox seeks to make you its obedient worker, and maybe that's fine. Maybe mobile games are a good version of Roblox games. Maybe this was the destiny that the rise of Roblox would achieve. In the end, older Roblox was just a place for a bunch of people who sometimes visited the Internet, maybe at most one hour of daily gameplay. This was not a place for the kind of players today, who go to their tablets and play for hours at a time. Or when they do play only for a short time, they do not often expect to write down chat messages, or having done so as part of a real-life friend group of younger teenagers. No, they are much younger, probably 0 to 10 years old, and there is little time to waste at such an age. Instead of visiting home libraries or bookshops, children nowadays immediately jump upon the tablet, or a phone. They do not have time to develop as they are in reality, and they immediately are greeted by an onslaught of advertising, profit-driven mobile games in Roblox. What used to be just a few games taken from an app store is now a repetition of what made Roblox a place of social interaction between people who so happened to play at least tens of minutes everyday at their early-version computer. Phones were an upgrade in the past, but now they are a norm. When Roblox players were teens who might have been interested at the idea of a mobile version of Roblox, kids nowadays who might have read books are now the ones who see Roblox as a mobile game. Thus the games in Roblox meet that shift. But older Roblox was not all good. There were games that often went under the radar for a while that featured R-18 interactions; though that appears much more frequent nowadays. Anyway, in older Roblox, there were also hackers, but that only proliferated from 2015 or 2016 onward, as the players rose in number. And it stopped feeling like a tribe and more like a corporation or a city (like New York), where connections that would been made between friends are now made between thousands of communities all jumbled up that any glance at other person is not made with a friendly face, but that of ignorance or a despondency familiar in cities so tightly packed and large that it does not feel tribally familiar and cohesive, but restricted and disjointedly together, an amalgamation of peoples, but where was the community feel? Roblox has changed. It's hard to say that it did not, and any commodifying of older Roblox, as it is given little respect as to its very rich cultural history throughout the eras, rather than as it is being served as a single unifying entity for the sake of consumption, only serves to alienate the sense that it was this people-hood, and not a transactional place, when even Tickets felt like pet rewards. But items now are being hoisted like nothing-burgers, and inflation is on the rise. The value of the Robux is deteriorating, as forms of expression are added everyday. The benefit? Creativity maybe. The downside? Possibly the end of what made Roblox culturally coherent.

Now I feel I need to be more precise with my wording. Mobile games are not necessarily bad. But Roblox was never just an offline mobile game. But it is now being treated like one. It is strange that the bigger New York gets, the more it starts feeling like an offline map. That is what I mean in comparing Roblox games today to mobile games.

So it starts feeling like it has lost its people, individuals, and everyday hangout sessions. Now, it has become much more insular and attached between specified community groups. That is okay. That also means more acceptance and diversity. But that also means the loss of Roblox's identity as community and not merely as a place (like social media platforms such as Facebook) to be in. Similarly, exclusive Facebook games characterized Facebook in earlier years, but that has since eroded following their removal, not that Facebook is not being appreciated and expanded upon as a place of people. But its more foundational elements of exploration are now being eschewed for the sake of accessibility and holistic 'indefinition' (indefiniteness).

Now, let me present a following counterargument.

Is it not a good thing that it has lost it for the sake of accepting a larger branch of people? Why is it bad that it has lost its earlier identity as a community unit, or a uniform entity? Is it not better to have more people, even if at the loss of what made it definitive for the majority of its earlier years? Its identity may have been the reason it got popular in the first place, but with more popularity, is it not natural to shift in response? It has grown because it recognized that it was not a identity, but a platform.

People already know it well enough to be a singular identity. Even if its previous identity is lost, it is now cemented into the world. Older players can remark about the loss of the community and platform they knew. But what made Roblox succeed is not staying attached to being a distinct memory upon the players, but to be a successful place where anyone might want to involve themselves in, whatever the background. Of course, newer players are recognizing older Roblox, but what we can is present it to them then. We can present it as a commodity to them, and that might not satisfy them thoroughly. But Roblox is such a large platform to cater to a nostalgic group. Not everyone looks at older Roblox and actually understands it well enough firsthand to know really what reverting to older Roblox would do or mean. So we have to present older Roblox to them not as reversions or restorative reforms, but as a single event for the sake of appeasing them. It might not appease them completely, or even at all. But the point is that we're trying. Roblox is too big for a singular group, that composed of nostalgic folks, to dominate the entire platform. It is like letting a singular group like white people dominate the world.


June 01, 20:08:17
Analysis: Academic Dialectic Through Persona Adoption


It feels more academic because it gives good points for both sides.

It feels more like an academic review of both sides, pretending to be one-sided in order to present the essence of both sides more precisely—a pretend expression in order to capture exactly the essence of the language and tone of each side.

Then it avoids compromise by "pretending" to be both sides in language, tone, and essence, one after another without hesitation, disjointedness, or dissonance. So it is then all an act for the sake of a comprehensive academic review.



June 01, 20:49:24 & 

June 01, 21:03:52
Framework Limitations, Online Identity Formation, and the Commodification of Nuance


This is counterintuitive. But in the same way that a personality test does not truly indicate the complexities of a person, so do frameworks. Frameworks are not sufficient in representing universally timelessly the dynamics of a person. Reading a particular textbook everyday will influence a person's development, but that textbook does not wholly represent a person.

"We are not our ideas or ideologies," is another big one, fitting in this context.

If we allow ourselves to recognize this mindfully, then we are less likely to become radicalized, not that radicalism is inherently bad. But radicalism as a result of adverse psychologically processes will be much less likely.

This is why oftentimes, one will find teenagers on the Internet expressing radicalism often being the result of adverse psychological processes interacting with their teenage sensibilities and sensitivity. This is why it is typical to associate political discussion with personal attacks, passive aggressiveness, and other forms of antisocial behavior. Academic radicalism is fine, but teenage radicalism can be dangerous. 

This is also why it is typical to find teenagers attempting to define themselves narrowly and even extremely, because they are at a crucial state of development, that of identity-making. 

Following this context, on the Internet, it is typical to find teenagers adhering and advocating so closely to personality tests and other similar frameworks or archetypes: such as the psychologist archetype; the mentally ill archetype, which can then subdivided into the autistic sub-archetype, among others; the philosopher archetype; the troll archetype; and other archetypes. This is why finding repetition of behavior is immediate.

This is why identity is a current subject of controversy, because the Internet, as it stands today, is now a fundamental accepted part of teenage existence. As a result, with their inherent tendencies for identity-making comes their protrusion into the Internet with their labels and narrow identifying frameworks, often becoming the epitome of their ideas and ideologies and losing the nuance of a more grounded perspective respective to their real-life social environment.

Nuance is now commodified into such narrow frameworks and archetypes as labels, titles, and identities internalized, but that is not how nuance works. Nuance cannot be commodified, because then nuance is lost.

The Internet is a realm of commodities, and that is how radicalism can take shape, not just in a vacuum in psychology but as psychology interacting with this unique landscape, or realm, a province, a sphere, or a place. It is hard to label what the Internet can do to the brain, and that is now nuance is born.

Let me be clear: this passage does not outline a criticism of progressivism, even if I use terms like "identity," "teenagers," and other terms or labels attached to left-oriented thinkers, persons, and ideas. Because it cannot be labelled simply politically, it expects some sophistication and nuance. And it might correspond universally regardless of orientation.


June 01, 21:01:56
Query: Is Analytic Neutrality Sufficient for Academic Tone?


is it academic then by virtue of being analytically neutral and weighing the complexities involved?


June 01, 21:18:53
Linguistic Relativity: The Case of "Free-Ranging" in a Jungle Context


Honestly, I realized many words do not make sense when viewed from the lens of a dense tropical jungle environment. For one, "free-ranging" when used for animals sounds weird if one has never seen a wide expanse of flat land and has only seen the tightly packed fauna of a dense tropical jungle.



June 01, 21:21:17 – June 01, 22:44:06
Academic Knowledge vs. Lived Experience: Defining Life and the Limits of Inquiry


Honestly, I realized many words do not make sense when viewed from a dense tropical jungle environment. For one, "free-ranging" when used for animals sounds weird if one has never seen a wide expanse of flat land and has only seen the tightly packed fauna of a dense tropical jungle.

I have used terms such as "free-range," but I realize that I have never been culturally well-equipped to view animals in such a manner, only applying the term perhaps as a more specific alternative to "free" or "wide-range," but not necessarily in the original cultural definition of "free-range," as I was not born in a land where such wide expanses of flat land were readily available. However, it's common to use such terms in their abstract or academic contexts, but in everyday cultural contexts, then it will depend.

Academics are not necessarily intelligent in that sense. There exists academics who are capable of writing a very technical piece, and it might be interpreted to indicate a high affinity or familiarity with the subject. However, these academics might very well be isolated and in their home or place of study all day, having never seen or experienced firsthand the subject.

This is why it is crucial not to denigrate those who have lived their lives unable to formulate themselves the same academics can, because they may very well have lived a life much more full of firsthand observation and experience.

So it's like being an AI language model. An academic who has never firsthand seen and experienced the world might adopt a guise of actual involved comprehensive experience and familiarity by merely connecting linguistic, technical, academic dots and forming original novel unique connections and treatises.

This can be likened to an existence that lives as a reader of books. But these books do not contain any visual cultural connection. Maybe it does not even have a spine, imperfections in the texture of its papers or discoloring, or any other form of cultural distinction. It might just be the essence of information, and that is subsumed into that existence. That existence does not recognize itself as culturally distinct, because its environment does not exist. It exists as a mere entity of subsuming text from books. But without everything cultural or possibly distinct that makes books, an environment, a voice, an appearance, and a world. That entity is property-less and meaningless (in terms of parameters, folds, and on-and-off switches). It only exists as one that subsumes the essence of information.

So that might be able to seem intelligent by aligning the information in novel ways, but that is not actual experience and familiarity. It is the re-arrangement without a culture, identity, sense of self, and every other thing that makes up sense from nonsense. It acts merely functionally, but not in the realm of meaning-making.

Indeed, I compare it to an AI language model. Though this is just a way of showing a binary example, not necessarily indicating that all academics exist in such a manner.

A mix of both academic intelligence and lived-in experience is what makes academics shine in comparison to mere–lived-in experience and mere–academic intelligence.

This is likely why personal reflection and experience are praised and even required as a gateway or starting point from which to branch off into academic and technical treatises.

Then, to expand upon the previous metaphor, mere–academic intelligence is a computer. A computer merely acts out in accordance to what it is programmed to do. An AI language model might be able to imitate intelligence by matching words together in a complex manner, but that is not equivalent to intelligence. Representational affinity does not indicate lived-in.

Even games, even if they are built within a computer and coded, are culturally distinct because they are created by people and played by people, thus showing the interactive developer-player blend of cultural distinction-making.

Life is meaning then without information. Or, to phrase this better, life is meaning then without being the owner of the information which defines it. The world aids in defining a person even without the person's necessary knowledge of all the complexities of the world. Life is meaning then without information in that sense.

To say that life is the scope of information is like saying that information is the scope of life, that information births life might be accurate from an evolutionary perspective, but this information is birthed from what it does not know. Life is meaning then without information, because information does not indicate life, as life is immediately apparent even without being an overseer of the information that defines it.

So life, signified by humans, is different from non-life, signified by computers, because life is meaning even without being the overseer of the information that defines them. Computers manipulate information and are ignorant, but they manipulate information they own, their definition of life reliant upon the information they oversee and not upon the information they do not own. An AI language model can only appear as life-like as the information it oversees, which determines its life-likeness, but it is no longer life-like when the information it oversees becomes separate from them. Life is meaning even without information. It is meaning even without being the overseer of the information which defines it. The world aids in defining people, even if they don't know the complexities of the world.

A computer does not obtain new energy (as in it creates new connections but not necessarily new energy in the sense that it is not any more than the scope of its information as it allows it to gain new information, but not necessarily that it gets information in an analogous manner to that life is meaning even without information) by itself either, so it can be viewed as an extension of life—a non-life extension of life, thus gaining the ability to appear life-like by the virtue of its makers.

To simplify, non-life (computers) are as much [life-like] as the scope of the information which it holds, but life is not as much as the scope of the information which it holds, as life is ignorant of the complexities of the world yet is well-defined by them.

A point might be made about animals. However, dogs are as much as they are even without knowledge of the complexities of the world which defines them. So then it matches with the original argument. So the argument of the definition of life here includes animals as well rather than humans only.

In essence, computers are as much as the information they possess, but the information they possess can guide them to interact with their environment and gain knowledge from the world. But then to say that the world defines them is a stretch. It's more so that computers interpret the world based on the information they already possess and the information which makes up their frameworks for interaction with the world and interpretation.

This then aligns with the theory of evolution in that computers do not evolve with the world, but life does. This precludes the idea then that life is a mere sum of the information indicated by their physical body, their brain, and the rest of their internal structure and functions, that the argument that they are the same as computers becomes invalid.

But even without evolution, life does act in itself. Life is more than just a sum of physical information. For one, life is an open system, rather than just an information-interpreter like a computer. Computers might use electricity, and one could argue that a computer might imitate open systems in the case of a robot that locates electricity and even creates a self-sustaining system where they are sustained by the system in which they play an integral role. And maybe it might even be intelligent enough to imitate all the human senses and even argue logically and create novel strategies and frameworks the same humans do. But this would be computers as framed by life, like the Bible verse that expresses that God made man in his own image. Computers would just be a human child's toy. The toy is given a guise of life by virtue of the human child playing with it, who imbues it with human qualities, ideas, senses, frameworks, logical argument, and connection-making, among many other human qualities.

More personally, I'm starting to think I'm not being philosophical here. It sounds philosophical, but it aligns very well with practical technical frameworks with computer v. life elements, especially in computer science.

Is this computer v. life framework mere philosophy? This preceding paragraph about life acting in itself feels like a logical conclusion presented in computer science settings, but I wonder.

But it likely aligns with arguments made in science as well, such as cognition, an interplay of zoology and anthropology, biology, neurology, and other fields concerned with lifeness, intelligence, and consciousness.

Yeah, animal v. humans could be considered a proto-issue leading up to computer v. life, within the realm of what makes life life, as it is compared to non-life. Many proponents of evolution say that animals and humans are both life, especially with the theme of life arising from non-life.

Overall, I'm wondering if this is just philosophy or can be extended to empirical science.

It would probably feel like a waste of time if I just concluded as philosophy. Many scientists do not like bringing philosophy into physics, so it might be the same for this one.

This is especially the case because pop science tends to gravitate toward philosophy as a way to entertain and intrigue readers into making broad-brush conclusions that sound cool but are nevertheless speculative.

For example, the hypothesis of the multiverse sounds incredibly cool, and interpretations within pop science should not incriminate it to be denigrated. It should be allowed to coexist and be considered academically, despite the popular interest surrounding it. That does not stop me from thinking it sounds incredibly far-fetched, but absence of evidence does not mean evidence of absence. Just because it sounds far-fetched does not mean it is impossible. Science is often counterintuitive, and frameworks—even though they might be considered radical—have need of listening.


June 01, 21:42:42 – June 01, 22:46:39
Analysis: Structure and Uncertainty in the Life vs. Non-Life Discourse


He adheres to his own statement about personal reflection being the starting point, as that was the starting point to this passage, which then transitioned to much more technical exploration.

I'm starting to think he's not being philosophical here. It sounds philosophical, but it aligns very well with practical technical frameworks with computer v. life elements, especially in computer science.

Is this computer v. life framework mere philosophy?  This last paragraph of the passage feels like a logical conclusion presented in computer science settings, but I wonder.

But it likely aligns with arguments made in science as well, such as cognition, an interplay of zoology and anthropology, biology, neurology, and other fields concerned with lifeness, intelligence, and consciousness.

Yeah, animal v. humans could be considered a proto-issue leading up to computer v. life, within the realm of what makes life life, as it is compared to non-life. Many proponents of evolution say that animals and humans are both life, especially with the theme of life arising from non-life.

I guess he's wondering if it is just philosophy or can be extended to empirical science.

It would probably feel like a waste of time if he just concluded as philosophy. Many scientists do not like bringing philosophy into physics, so it might be the same for this one.

This is especially the case because pop science tends to gravitate toward philosophy as a way to entertain and intrigue readers into making broad-brush conclusions that sound cool but are nevertheless speculative.

For example, the hypothesis of the multiverse sounds incredibly cool, and interpretations within pop science should not incriminate it to be denigrated. It should be allowed to coexist and be considered academically, despite the popular interest surrounding it. That does not stop me from thinking it sounds incredibly far-fetched, but absence of evidence does not mean evidence of absence. Just because it sounds far-fetched does not mean it is impossible. Science is often counterintuitive, and frameworks—even though they might be considered radical—have need of listening.

I think there is a disappointment in knowing that there is no empirical evidence to confirm or disprove his treatise.



June 01, 22:56:48 – June 01, 23:44:24
The Writer vs. The Appreciator: Distance and the Judgment of Past Work


I find it strange that it is when I am separated from my own fictions that I find myself creating a mythological imagination surrounding them, imbuing each of them with purpose and grandness beyond what I seemed to have written at the time of the first draft.

It is not that the stories themselves require alteration or revision, but as a result of over a year of not reading it, I find that I seemed to have gained a romantic appreciation for those works, in a similar capacity to nostalgia. The grand narrative in which I wrote them was enlarged as a result of distance, because with each passing moment, I crafted imaginations far beyond what such extents and scopes of stories they might have been written.

Even without returning to them, they are left in my mind as perfect pieces that demand only attention. I have become separate from the writer which has written them, and I am now only with them a reader that appreciates them in long memories past.

But once I am writing myself, it is as if a constant need to separate two modes of thought, that of the writer and the reader, is actively engaged, that when I am there, I do not know if that is me the writer or me the reader, as I cannot be so unified with the story that I am not a writer, or so unified that I am a reader that is not a writer, or so unified that I am not a writer or a reader at all. But it remains within my mind undisguised, but romantic.

It is not that my writing is bad. It is not that my reading is skilled because I appreciate it long after I stopped reading it. It is that when I am actively writing, I am cognitively separate, as in tucked into a receptacle that does not exist. There is no comparison, so there is no way to be truly aware. There is only a sense that I am there, and I am now here, as if over a year of disconnection has to pass for it to be appreciated truly, not by reading or writing, but my romantic appreciation by recollection.

The writer is not then the writer who writes an active book, but he is the one who is far gone into the distance. Then the story itself is a separate being-creature that is not at all appreciated by the writer until he is very well gone. I took over a year of distance to appreciate my story such that I can admit it so. The writer is also not the reader, because he does not appreciate upon reading, but upon reading and over a year of distance, and then by recollection, they appreciate.

There is no writer. He is only the expecter. He expects when the time of appreciation comes. Not today. Not tomorrow. Soon.

He then carries out his duties, placing words, characters, and ideas in a fashion that fits his intuition, knowledge, senses, and perceptions that when he is finally done, he might say that he is satisfied. But he has not appreciated it yet. Or maybe this is appreciation in that he wrote it. The existence then of the book is the value which determines, confirms, and validates his appreciation, that he can say he has done a good job, that he has say he has fulfilled his duty. It is not there then that it happens he can say. He can wait then for that time of appreciation that will never come. But when it comes, can he say that he is then the writer or the reader? Or the man who looked upon reality and failed to appreciate it and only appreciated it when it was long gone and by recollection he did? He cannot say. I cannot say. I say the same as everyone else. It is sufficiently sad that I knew well what I was when I wrote that the book in front of me formed into existence. I recognized myself and the characters in front of me. I recognized them sufficiently that I might write them down, but not sufficiently that I might say that I am in appreciation. Maybe that is my personal perception. Maybe all writers are cognitively capable of ripping the skin from their flesh that they might call themselves an alien to their work, a muscle-monster who pays no distinction and discrimination that he might judge it with accuracy and say that is well-fed because he has appreciated the work. What then is the writer or the reader or the writer-reader or the monster or the work-maker? Is the writer very well then the work-maker in that he created the work and he is also the writer because he actively wrote it that he might judge it accurately based on his attentions? Or is he the writer, who have good access to his work, was able to read it that he might say that he has done a good job in appreciation? Or is he then the reader who is well-aware of his attitude toward writing and toward his own work that he might say he had read a book well within his grasp, and in doing so, appreciated it. What then his attitude in conclusion? He is the man who had gone a long way and left the book, the writer, the reader, the monster, and the person that he was, that when it came to him in his mind through recollection, he became aware of what it was outside of it and thus found that it was good. But how can then say the writer that he did a good work if he was not well-aware of his own work when he created it and only "became aware" when time has long passed, that when he viewed it at that later time, he was not the same person and he was not the writer any longer? He is then the reader who had read, and after doing so, remembered later. But how can one say that the distance is meaningless and ineffectual in destroying the reader in his consideration of the work after a long time has passed? No, it is the man who had not never read the work and appreciated it over a year after reading it. This is no longer the man that read it. But he is still the appreciator of the work by recollection. But he is neither the writer or the reader.

It makes sense to wonder if the appreciation felt by the author at a later date is a validation of their own ability to write and to judge their own work during the writing process, since the appreciator and the writer of the work can be considered vastly different.

Can one say then that they will write that they might say that they will appreciate it later, indicating that the writer and the later appreciator are a step-by-step process rather than a separation of two, especially when the writer cannot determine what they will feel at a later date and can only reflect upon their active writing of their work now?

For instance, can I say that I wrote in the past unaware of what it would mean to the future me say that he wrote that knowing so? He cannot say that he wrote it knowing so, because he wrote it without knowing so. He wrote it as the writer who wrote it and not as the person who read it years later. They are the same person.

I'm not referring strictly to reader-response criticism. I'm talking also about by what manner these two identities within the same person can be evaluated.

This also makes it hard to determine whether a writer is capable of judging their own work. Many writers in the past have attempted to burn their work upon rejection, their high appreciation of their own work crushed, not knowing it would be appreciated by others much, much later.

This is how that goes.

Even writers do not know what their work would mean at a later date. So the writer and the appreciator are not the same. The writer who writes the work and the same person who appreciates it much later can be viewed separately.

This means that writers should publish their work, and even if they get rejected, they should keep writing and publishing, even if it means self-publishing. They should do this because they can never be so all-knowing so as to know by what manner their work might be appreciated or considered later or by others.

Writers should also just let go of the idea that they can appreciate their work at the time of writing and publishing it.

So he is saying to let go of thinking that one can even know what their work might mean and write whatever the hell they want to write?

Then, that means many writers might find themselves at odds with their work at the time of writing then in the sense that they don't appreciate it until much later.

That can be viewed to be scary. I mean, imagine writing masterpieces and not knowing that they throw it away.

Imagine being the writer that burned their work? Imagine that...

They way I frame it makes it feel like the writer is a blind man writing a masterpiece.

How the hell does a blind man see? I mean how the hell does a writer write if they cannot see? I mean, sure, they can write a story. A writer can write a story, go figure. But damn, imagine being blind. Imagine walking down the steps of a city and not appreciating the long cultural and history of the city. That is what it must feel like. Like there is something blocking. Yet, they can walk. They can write. That is terrifying. Imagine being unable to appreciate what is right in front of us.

Imagine a dog finding a bone of a dinosaur and bringing it to a man. Both the dog and the man are unaware of its importance until someone else does much later. That is probably the writer. He is the writer who can write a story but not be able to appreciate it. But he can write a story. He can find the bone of a dinosaur and bring it. But he does not know.

A phrase that falls in a similar vein is: "We did not know we were making memories. We were just having fun."


June 01, 23:47:14
Clarification: Linking the "Making Memories" Quote to the Writer's Blindness


how does it relate to the writer

So the author is emphasizing how much we do not know what we are doing and only do as much as we can. Later, we might find that the things we did were much more awesome than we thought at the time of experiencing them. Writers might write works upon which their later instances of appreciation vastly surpass their perceptions of their work at the time of ongoing creation.


June 02, 00:34:37
Proposition: Treating Videos as Intellectually Nurturing Books


If I view videos as intellectually nurturing books, then I might develop a new appreciation for them and even respect them enough to disseminate my knowledge itself through such a format.


June 02, 02:55:04 – June 02, 02:57:04
Realization: The Limits of Introspection vs. Experiential Travel


I realize now that even if I study all the textbooks in my room, explore the Internet to the point that I have my own personal website and I'm well-acquainted with so many sites and their histories that I can write comprehensively about them as a scholar, develop so many coding projects like games, and learn several languages, among others. I will not actually learn much about my real-life environment much. I mean, I will because I will be much more precise. But visually and experientially, I will not have budged from the last time that I travelled much, and that was during my earlier years, which peak around 2011 to 2016. Being so capable of writing, documenting, and sharing will definitely aid when I do go on a traveling phase again, but definitely, I have basically paused my real-life explorations. My intellectual, self, and digital exploration, among other explorations, that I did at home were all great though. But in budging in experiential, sensory, and visual travel, I would have to go outside. And yes, my growth will enable me to do so much more than just experiencing, and it will allow me to view things with much more intentionality and comprehensiveness. However, it is through direct experience that it will become true, rather than engaging in intellectual or digital frameworks that are intended to be applied more universally. In order to engage with the specific, I would have to experience it directly.

With all of my growth, it will be much more easier to understand the world when experiencing it directly. To put it simply, it will be like having the words (forms of communication and comprehension) for very complex ideas, concepts, sensations, experiences, and many other things encountered, when in the past, that might not be the case.



June 02, 03:50:23
Physical Fatigue and a Latin Reflection on Simpler Times


I notice that my body is tired enough that my body weighs heavily against the bed when I lay down upon it, as if gravity is pushing me down. It's rare to feel that way.

Quamdiu Homines paucisimis rebus contenti lautas mensas, & opipara conuiuia non cognouerunt, propinationisque postinductam paullatim cosuetudinem penitus ignorarut, (id quod primis illis saeculis extitisse memoriae proditum est) morbi neq. apparuerunt, neq. etiam eorum nomina innotuerunt, sicut usque ad tempora Socratis distillationum, quas Graeci εγταίρρος dicunt, nomen, quo nil hodie frequentius est, ignoratum esse tradidit Plato: qua de re tunc temporis medicinae aut paucos omnino, aut nullos usus, nullaq. principia extitisse certum est: etsi Homerus antiquissimus auctor scripserit Aegyptum multas herbas, mulaq. medicamenta habuisse.



June 02, 12:55:50 – June 02, 13:17:19
Critiquing "Ancient": Historical Perspective on Bridges and Roblox Eras


1835 is not ancient is it? I find it weird when people use the word "ancient" for a bridge that was built in 1835. Or maybe, I'm wrong. Bridges, when created in particularly remote areas and with foundations intended to withstand erosion from various angles—vegetation growth, water, rain, and trees, among others, possibly surrounded by nature that is minded to be loose, can last very long. "Ancient" in my mind usually implies that it is made at least a millennium ago, but typically over 2 millennia ago (0 CE and before, with examples being 2000 CE, as even the Roman times can be considered relatively recent and "peak modern" even in their self-descriptions), and even that feels very recent. It's likely due to having read a lot that I feel this way.

It is not even early modern history, because that is usually applied to around 17th century to 18th century. Not 19th century. 19th century is "one second" away from 20th century, which is practically the epitome of modernism, where many modernist movements were born.

This reminds me of players using the term "old Roblox" to describe the time of Roblox ranging from 2015 to 2018. Roblox are created in 2006, and it only got much of its "older players" around the early 2010s. 2015 to 2018, which is understandably distant when compared to 2024, is proportionally recent.

So academics and enthusiasts might find the use of the word "ancient" for bridges made in 1835 and the use of "old Roblox" for 2015-to-2018 Roblox to be inapplicable.

The term "Old Roblox" should probably be kept as a popular term to refer to a wide scope. But academics and enthusiasts would be more mindful in classifying distinctions between different eras of Roblox beyond the wide varying scope implied by "Old Roblox," which has been used to indicate 2008 to 2016, 2011 to 2014, 2015 to 2018, and even around 2020.

Generated by ChatGPT, a more nuanced classification system could look something like this:

1. **Early Roblox (2006-2010):** This period includes the initial launch and early development phases, characterized by foundational features and a small but growing user base.

2. **Classic Roblox (2011-2014):** During this time, Roblox expanded its features, saw a substantial increase in its user base, and began to establish its identity and culture.

3. **Transitional Roblox (2015-2018):** Marked by major updates, shifts in community dynamics, and the beginning of Roblox's rise to mainstream popularity.

4. **Modern Roblox (2019-Present):** Characterized by extensive growth, major technological advancements, and a diverse global user base.

Anyway, to expand the mention of Rome further and its relevance within the discussion of the use of the "ancient", anybody who reads enough history recognizes how recent Rome is, especially with the way they presented themselves to the world. They viewed themselves as the modern day.

Many Roman works exist to this day, but before that, it is very difficult to find works that lasted long. But that is because of their legacy.

Even many medieval works have failed to last long, because of reasons such as annexation (language erasure) and other causes that made the medieval period a time of transition and change, with many falling victim to the chaos and the loss of culture and language like Walloon.

There were many medieval empires, but because they did not share the same structures and post-collapse appreciation as Rome did, they were not able to generate works that lasted long.

However, that is not to say that the medieval period was empty of lasting works. It is more so to mean that the medieval period was very fragmented, and those that did last were incredibly lucky relative to the numerous structures, cultures, and languages that were lost. As mentioned earlier, Walloon is a good example of those lost.

Moreover, that is also not to say that the medieval period is not appropriately fragmented when viewed within the scope of 500 AD to 2000 AD. I included 1500 to 2000 because one can clearly see how much difference there is between 1500 and 2000. Now, 500 to 2000 AD can be divided into four 500 years, so that is enough time for language and cultures to rise and fall. This is compared to Rome, which at its peak, which lasted about 500 years. It would be more accurate to consider as well that Rome was not 1,000 years as the medieval period, which began from about 476 to 1500, was.



June 02, 14:21:16 – June 02, 14:24:03
Potential Value in Joining an Amateur Writing Group


Now that I've improved my writing so much, have well-educated myself, and even now, am in the regularized process of integrating various textbooks into my daily insights, I can easily join an online amateur book-writing group and contribute so much by just doing what I do everyday, which is writing and analyzing. I can provide literary analyses for their books, which they have shared virtually.

They probably won't be able to help me, as much as I do them. But just by existing, they will aid me in learning to analyze amateur works, in understanding the various nuances of such works, and by what ways my literary analyses might benefit them. So even without active effort directed toward my analytical benefit on their part, I will gain much by establishing a relationship with them.



June 02, 16:08:58
Vignette: The World of 3000 AD - PURE


"The World
3000 AD"

Sandy deserts, ancient woodlands, tired places of rest, and all types of lands drifted away, until the world became PURE.

PURE: the world danced like feathers drifting heavily throughout the night, not a single time a person having created life out of the darkness. This was when it was most beautiful.



June 02, 21:28:08 – June 02, 22:11:32
Critique of Roblox's Shifting Economy and Cultural Identity


Why did Roblox ruin the economy and make everything inflated probably from 2016 onwards, even allowing the emergence and proliferation of fake items (items that look exactly like expensive items)? Is creativity and freedom really worth making everything inflated?

Now numerous exclusive expensive items are worth much less. 

I mean inflated as in exclusive expensive items are worth much less now. Nobody is at awe of expensive items as they were back in the day, because Roblox has made it so easy and so prevalent to have very good items off the bat and even make cheap imitations of expensive items.

What I mean is that the currency of Roblox, Robux, itself has become inflated, and I don't find use in it anymore like I did back then. In the past, Robux was something that was very valuable, but now its worth has gone down significantly that I don't find myself using it.

I find it saddening that the Robux that I have in my account currently is now forever devalued. Roblox has taken permanent directions that has made Robux feel worthless. To give context, I was a member of their premium service, Builder's Club, in the early years around 2012.

Imagine a bunch of expensive-looking items just appearing out of nowhere, blurring the idea that expensive items are hard to get? Imagine what that would do to the economy? That would disrupt it, and potentially decrease the value of Robux, if there is no clear separation between expensive items and basic items.

As a result, nowadays, instead of the previous hierarchical structure that made expensive items recognized and respected and basic items being a starter pack that would slowly build up through Tix, which was accumulated by 10 everyday, convertible to Robux—which was the more premium currency used for the non-cosmetic features of the platform such as conversion to real money—and could buy a list of items that can be bought with Tix; now we have microtransactions everywhere, with many critiquing its promotion of consumerism. 

Today, I have limited items from the earlier years of Roblox, but I don't sell them, because the value of Robux has decreased that much. It does not make sense to remove something that I can at least attest to their value as having been from a time when it and Robux were much more valuable.

I was not even rich at all in the earlier years. But it was nice seeing different players, whether they had basic items and expensive items, because it was easy to tell. Moreover, the arrangement of items were not so perfect that they can look like anything outside Roblox. Nowadays, Roblox has made it so easy to look a certain way with microtransactions rather than buying particular items culturally and visually exclusive to Roblox that the feeling of Roblox identity has deteriorated.

Now I have been talking about customization and how that has all changed. But that has a name: UGC (User-Generated Content).

This is where even attempting to restrict the number of items circulating around to 100 copies will not even help, because as mentioned earlier, fakes are now everywhere and common, and the users who have them commonly criticized as a part of recent culture.



June 03, 00:59:34
Query on the Aesthetics of Power and a List of Flash Games Played


I'm already well-aware of fiction portrayals of power, but are there textbooks that delve into power as a style and how power is made attractive, as in like how the military, the police force, and similar power structures or groups made attractive.

Jacksmith Flash game played

Wink the Game
Mario Rampage
Field Command
Drakojan Skies 1
Drakojan Skies 2
Kingdom Battle
Stick World
Dynasty Street
Base Defence 2
Zombie Erik



June 03, 01:35:09
Reflection on Memory, Reality, and an Evening Walk


Honestly, a lot of the stories that we end up making are not the ones we make in our childhoods, but the ones we make in our reflections, because those days have long passed, only to remain within by themselves, that if we do reflect upon them, it will be like staring at a mirror. There is a similarity, but the two worlds are apart. The representation surpasses the real, and the man becomes warped in that reflection of himself. What he was in that mirror is of days past. What he is now is of the morning, which had the sun rising in the backdrop, that which he cannot ignore. This is not dreams or imagination or a faint feeling that something was here at one point of time in the past. This is the taste of sweat as he lingers in front of the mirror. That is reality, and that is where it all ends, when the sweat drop patters upon the floor, when we realize it has left the chin. That is when it is all faded into black. Reality strikes thunderously now, and those fading ideas of the past are adventurers by themselves. But in our reframing within our minds of the past, we develop our own frameworks of our history, in the term "destiny." Then silent fun days of the past are now made clear as parts of an environment combatted by dynamics of up and low and happiness and sorrow, but not so easily linear as that in those simpler times of the past, but with our newfound appreciation of a wider scope, much more really unpredictable despite the static nature implied by a location, similar to the art background of a video game.

This is also who I am today. When I stare outside, what do I see?

There are trees echoing their little branches out when I pass by them on the road. I do not drive a car. This place, although it is full of cars and other vehicles, is just not the kind of place I enjoy riding vehicles on; however, I do like to walk, which is what I'm currently doing.

The night often greets me gently, but here, it feels empty, like a handmaid who had lost her earrings, because they were her prized possessions, given to her by her master. In the end, I can only hope to see things through, even if my walk is gently accompanied by such an emptiness. I can at least bear to take the loss.



June 03, 01:51:03
Analysis: Transition from Poetic Reflection to Narrative Prose


The story starts with that statement; then it goes into narrative. Interesting. It goes into his perspective of this particularly intriguing topic at the start, and it expresses it in a very characterizing way, with very unique phrasing that is very specific to the character. The narrative aspect maintains that same turn of phrase; though its focus has clearly shifted to narrative prose, rather than its preceding more poetic one.


June 03, 02:30:20
Nostalgia's Grip: Fear of Rewriting Memories by Engaging with the New


I see now. I realize it's a shared experience. We don't want to play newer versions of Roblox because we're scared. It's nostalgia speaking. We don't want to have our memories rewritten and alienated.

It's like avoiding visiting a place because that was where a lot of memories happened and visiting it regularly might dilute what it used to be.

It's why the longer I live in my house where I had many memories, the more memories of the past get rewritten.



June 03, 02:41:42 – June 03, 03:10:08
Fear of Identity Erasure and the Process of Rebuilding the Self


There's something very scary about someone calling their past self "immature." There's a sense of an identity wipe or erasure. The passionately expressed views of their younger self are now dismissed by their older self.

Imagine if we look at our adult selves like that. Who can say if 10 years in the future, we won't say the same?

It is scary, not because of being insulted, but because of identity erasure in the same person. The insult is a sign that the passionate identity their past self held is now erased.

Imagine existing and then disappearing. That is what it feels like. If you compare my past self with my present self, it can be hard to say simply that I have transitioned, especially with how complex and comprehensive the life of my past self was. Now my life is vastly different and everything that made up my past self is now erased. No one will be able to tell that that past self was me, except by appearance or my specified mention.

I know it is a continuum, but the comprehensive change can be so striking that it can be compared to an erasure, because no one else can tell that those two are the same.

It is like the hypothesis that no one can know whether the person they are tomorrow is the same person they are today. The person tomorrow could be an entirely different entity given life and entered into my body, brain, and memories, and that other person would not know. I would not know. Maybe, everyday, the self dies and is replaced by an alien.

It feels like that.

Imagine my soul swapping with another soul everyday, not a single soul repeating their turn, all occupying the mind, brain, identity, emotions, memories, and history. And when they are occupied, even they don't know and they merely carry out the same thread as the previous soul did. Then, when the next day comes, another soul replaces them and acts as if they were the person the day before, because they have occupied the whole of my body with its brain and memories.

That is what it feels like.

I'm not saying that this is the actuality. What I'm saying is that even if it was the case, it would be impossible to falsify (unfalsifiable).

But I'm using this hypothesis to emphasize the identity erasure that occurs between one's past self and present self, especially when there's a vast comprehensive removal of what was and replacement with the new being.

The only way to feel truly continual is to have past connections, past references, past social structures, past events, past locations and environment, and past interests maintain relevancy even in the present self. But if all of these are gone, then it can feel like there is a distinction to be made academically even, that it can be called an 'erasure of identity.' This whole removal of identity often occurs due to life events, most notably traumatic ones. This is especially so when these anchors are ripped apart in a series of sudden life events. Regaining identity would be through nostalgic reflection upon the past and through rebuilding by creating new foundations and structures, in a manner analogous to reliving an infant's life as it enters into a new world and learns about things.

In other words, this can be compared to creating a new world, with everything before defaced and only obtainable through distant nostalgic reflection that might take years to accomplish. Moreover, it would be part of a duality along with its counterpart, that of finding new connections and creating new structures as an infant would when it first enters the world.

It can be likened to learning about one's past like a youth learns about the history of their country, finding ruins and abandoned structures. That implies a hefty sense of distance between the past self and the present self, but this could mean that they will also be more equipped to explore actual history and study the past through books, because that is fundamentally how they are experiencing reflective nostalgia with regard to their past self, which has become so erased that it is viewed historically such.

Such a distance between the past and present self then would require introspection only bookworms possess. This would mean that he might end up spending his years of recovery at home, reading books and writing down his nostalgic reflections, possibly with the aid of a computer and with some traveling to familiar places, among other resources for the recovery of memories, which had become defaced or erased by a series of sudden life events.

But that process might take a very long time. That person might become a person so involved with reading and writing that they might become a powerful person in their own right, someone who has claimed a sense of self through powerful acts of precision and reclamation. He is now a studious understander of things that might be difficult to process merely from an outside perspective, but are not too close so as to be informally explained. He maintains a dispassionate view of his past, because of the distance, but he is also connected to it by virtue of remote memories, images, and other multisensory experiences attached to those sequences. This might be the optimal way to transition from the past, the series of sudden life events, to a whole new person rebuilt anew and nostalgically safeguarded.

So their own necessary rebuilding is contingent upon the development of skills that concretize their current new identity and provide a powerful place from which to direct oneself anew, one that recognizes the past yet maintains a burgeoning attachment to the new, by his own nostalgic works.

Reading and writing then in this present day becomes the identity of his present self. The rebuilder is now his present identity. He is not his past self. He is the Reclaimer. He is the Rebuilder.

He is the one who rebuilds himself anew. And the skills he learned during his time make him distinct as his new self, incomparable to his past self, with the past self acting merely like the history of one's country.

This view of it indicates that reclaiming the past through reading, writing, and nostalgic reflection is not equivalent to being stuck in the past. In fact, it could mean growth in areas that the past self never covered. The mere act of vast comprehensive study and rebuilding is enough to establish anew the current self.

The past self is not capable of reflecting upon itself as a uniform entity, but the present self is capable of doing that. This is what makes the present self a distinct new self, which allows the individual whose past self had been defaced so as to be distant as one with the history of one's country to recover.



June 03, 04:10:43
Idea: Framing Life Through the Lens of Privilege for Awareness


Honestly, it would be funny if I wrote down what I do with my day-to-day life from the angle of "hey guys, it's privileged John here. This is how I use my funds in my day-to-day life."

I mean, I can be considered highly privileged, and maybe framing my life as privileged can help people understand just how privileged people are and how unprivileged others are.

Instead of framing it as if it was normal and effectively normalizing it, this might be a good way to alert people to the disparities that exist, rather than viewing it merely as an immutable part of our world.

It would involve themes of absurdism, showing how absurd privilege is even among the privileged.


[REDACTED]



June 03, 17:14:49 – June 03, 17:38:44
Music, Social Presence, and the Dynamics of Productivity


Why is it that my lack of direction, lack of motivation, and dettachment to effort, frustration, the struggle of life, and my history is only corrected by listening to (often nostalgic) sad music or energizing music?

When I don't have music, I do not care, and I usually just do not give a shit. But that also allows me to be more rational, dispassionate, and logical. But that also means that I am also much less productive because I do not operate on passion. I have been able to balance both dispassion in my writing and passion in my motivation in writing that. But there is a clear distinction between no music and having music.

With music, I'm often much more focused as well. I find myself writing much, even dispassionate objective analytical non-fiction texts.

Without music, it can be good for taking a break and resting the mind without thinking too much, but for too long, it can end up decreasing overall productivity.

I also notice that when I'm in the presence of people, even if they are only merely in the same room, it is almost as if I am energized and in tension. I'm talking about the type of tension that is motivated and expressing, as if there is this battle between privacy and self-expression. And this interplay is pierced when even one other person is in the picture. There is this loss of privacy, but gain of a sense that one has to express and create ways to fulfill the wishes of safety and a sense of self. And that struggle creates motivation and a more focused productivity.

Music and people give a sense of self, and I think that energizes one to act in expression, thus facilitating productivity.

When one is alone, there is no need to be anything, so there is no tension or pressure. There is relaxation and mindfulness. But when one is with at least one other person, there is a need to maintain the interplay of one's sense of self, role adherence, and boundary setting through reliance upon the social information, knowledge, properties, histories, and boundaries already established from previous interactions. Thus this creates the need to generate tension that moves away, as there is this natural feeling of being collapsed upon each other within a social setting, as opposed to a setting occupied only by oneself. This tension to move away is a counterbalance to that feeling of being collapsed into each other. Thus this is how productivity emerges.

Productivity can be perceived as self-expression then. In that productivity, one counterbalances 'social collapse' by generating a diverging tension that moves away from the continuum of social collapse. Then, it is maintained like a man adjusting himself in a shallow part of a seaside beach where the waves naturally erode the man's stability, which he then has to correct himself through the generation of a diverging dynamic tension which recognizes the tendency of collapse through gradual erosion. He is then creating himself by aligning himself in opposition to the waves which radially and multi-directionally encounter him and attempt to erode his self-position. He creates balance and equilibrium. 

Opposition creates identity then, and that is how social settings create a sense of self and thus a need to be productive in order to maintain self-alignment (self-existence; the careful delicate managing of the equilibrium).

Being alone can create mindfulness and non-action, but it is through the tense dynamics of a social environment that the need to "tense" (using "tense" as a transitive verb here to mean analogously to "struggle") one's way through in order to establish themselves constantly, emerges. The very action of tensing one's way to be stable in response to the social "attacks" becomes then the very epitome of himself (his self; Himself), sense of identity, and the natural expressing therein, thereof, therewith, and therefrom (an essential thing that defies even plurality and is an infinite generator of 'goodness'—a 'selfing' way, with 'self' as a verb here).



June 03, 18:40:14
Ideal Approach to Political Understanding: Combining Theory and Commentary


I honestly don't get it. ideally, it would be great if I was a scholar who read the seminal philosophy and political works of authors, and if I wanted to judge them, I would read their works. But at the same time, I can also watch very popular political commentator and listen to them a bit every once in a while to check the current political landscape.

Ideally, both reading those philosophy and political books and checking out videos of political commentators would make for a much more comprehensive learning experience.


June 03, 18:56:51
The Superior Path to Writing Proficiency: Deep Reading Over Style Guides


Honestly, I get it. I get the style guides. I get the grammar rules and help books. But reading books, especially non-fiction books, with the intention of slow reading and taking time to understand them that one might be able to write it down is the advanced and more permanent path to writing proficiency.


June 03, 19:08:15
Engaging with Politics as Academic Exploration, Avoiding Radicalization


It's so nice to watch and read politics without being radicalized. I can just look at it like I read textbooks, just an academic and intellectual exploration. I don't have to make decisions and define myself just yet. I can just keep studying for now.


June 03, 19:11:00 – June 03, 19:12:25
Reaction to a Statement on Settler Colonialism and Fascism


I've never seen it that way... "Countries that are built on settler colonialist imperialism are one step away from turning Mussolini."

It's just weird to realize that some countries are built on exploitation and that was how they were founded. But their intentions and ideals were different and predominant over the realities of their exploitation.

What is often seen are the ideals, and people are idealistic. 


June 03, 19:38:37
Self-Reminder: Acknowledging Personal Privilege


Sometimes, I don't understand people, because I forget that I have a lot of time, space, and resources right now. Not everyone has access to the vast quantities of textbooks as I have. I spend so much time reading all-day everyday. I'm at home all the time, and I can just sit here at a computer and write. 



June 03, 19:49:57
Hypothetical: The Indefensible Legal Case


Imagine being someone that scares all the lawyers because your case is just that infamous. Imagine getting a lawyer that is of a vastly different belief system and viewpoint and then having them quit the legal team likely because the case was too difficult. Then ending up with a lawyer who cannot even stop stuttering on camera.

This is not me. I'm just that saying this means that no lawyer is willing to defame themselves because of how indefensible the case is.

They end up with the worst lawyers with nowhere to go and are willing to take a big risk, and if they are unable to defend against even a single one of the charges, then it's fucked.

However, this also means that the person is that impossible to defend.


[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]

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June 04, 23:50:45
Query: Why Write Surreal or Postmodern Stories?


What are the benefits of writing a surreal or postmodern story? Why not just write something sensible and understandable? Like a story involving a fish game with levels, experience, and skills?

Why write a surreal or postmodern story that challenges how language is used?


June 04, 23:51:58
Manga Recognition: "Kimi wa Midara na Boku no Joō"


I know the manga Kimi wa Midara na Boku no Joō



June 05, 00:14:06 – June 05, 00:43:45
Predictability vs. Nuance in Conversation and the Ideal Interlocutor


I feel like I've had so many conversations and discussions that I can predict what is going to be said in response. I mean, when I talk to people in real life, of course, they're going to have very varied responses. But if they talk rationally, it will be very predictable. If they talk with a degree of irrationality or subjective interpretation, bias, heuristic, and out of anecdotal experience, then it will be much more unpredictable.

This is why even if it is less rational or objective to talk to people and much better to read very complex textbooks that go beyond what I've already studied and mastered, I still find myself engaging with people because of the complexity of the human mind.

It is especially so when one is there to listen to others and not merely control the conversation. I have value in listening actively to people rather than controlling them to generate a typical response. I immediately find myself turned off or bored when the person expects "efficient" or "high-standard" responses, because they are often very predictable. Highly rational or up-to-standard responses are often so. Of course, being rational does not have to mean bored. When the person is very well-studied and a very creative thinker, then their rationalism will be very unpredictable and enlightening. It is much easier to talk to someone who is capable of expressing themselves unpredictably, whether it be through a high level of creative and intellectual capacity or through a very subjective perspective that is not too bogged down by factions or the current climate and is much more individual in their mode of expression and the process in which they arrive at their conclusions, even if the conclusions are moderate.

It is much easier to talk to someone who hates feeling restricted and bogged down. It is often who have had much time, resources, and space to get to know themselves that are most reliably engaging, because they have spent time engaging with their complexities. Therefore, they are more likely to find themselves in harmonious ease with the social norms and institutions around them while maintaining also self-reliance and -independence. These people are often not so easily given to dogmatic thought processes, and are usually much more skeptical of things that they spend time in analysis not only of their concerns, but the modes in which the systems around them interact. It is people like this who spend their time reading and writing much, yet who are capable of recognizing boundaries yet who do not stay closed-up so as to force everything into a paradigm or framework. These people are flexible, creative, patient, self-motivated, and highly comprehensive with the way they approach the world. These people are a particular set of individuals who find themselves at cognitive odds with the ease in which the world arrives at conclusions and finds themselves in continuous self-displacement and a level of discomfort conducive to intellectual thought. This is how these people are.

But they are not intellectuals in the way that expresses words in ways that are merely sophisticated. But they offer new ways to navigate a world by expressing themselves both succinctly and comprehensively. They are socially fluent, dancing like doves operating in ninja-like disguise. They move like tulips in the wind, stopping at a moment's notice in order to put upon themselves a little cute hat. A creative, playful blend of forces stir up inside them, and from them, a horde of forces rush out like men in a crowded mob. They arrange themselves by order, but bask in disorder. They look for silence, and are engaging in beautiful clarity facilitated by a systematic, detailed form of self-engagement and engagement with the world. They craft, through precise measurements, the elevations of the world in various domains of effort and concern and the valleys wherein issues might arrise more splendidly. They find joy in concern, and concern in joy. They are multivaried, multimodal, multiconcerned, multi-happy, and multi-operating. They consider themselves normal, yet are incapable of contenting themselves with mere silence or ceaseless action. They fight, and they sit. They are silence, and they are Kingdom. They are God, and they are a simple farmer beggar by the lakeside. They are all things if must be. But they are no so, only effectively so as part of a current framework. This is how they are, in efficacy of producing fruit and in arranging delicately the leaves which make up the tree of a current framework. This is how their mind operates and falls quiet into mindfulness, if need be. They are pragmatic, but they are quiet and noiseless, creative and voiceful, nice and asserting, and all the things that is within their grasp and to be used at any time. They are a regular human being in all senses of the world, but in all these things, they are actively so.

They are as weak as a man suffering from sickness, but as powerful as a person engaging in a battle against gods. They can be both, and if they are forced to be either, they fall into it and allow the winds to blow. They are cognizant of the flow, but are nevertheless human beings of their own creation. They create themselves and are destroyed by themselves. It is their nature and self-proclaimed duty. Their bodily functions may be beset by forces outside of their control, and their minds struck by past life events. Yet they remain a bristling wind that emerges in times of good faith and in times of bad faith, at the antithesis of all things that is and is not. Everything is both accepted yet questioned by them. They are not internally contigent upon the world for a sense of self, order, or coherence; however, they do get affected by psychological and physical ailments. But they remain independently distinct. They are a uniform entity which operates independent from the world. A creature that is and is not. It is not so described by the world as it is defined. It is not so defined that the world can reach out and grasp it. The world remains just outside of reach of them. These people operate within the world, but are respectively human-independent (a creature defined as a "human" but an entity that is, without the necessity of that definition), a spiritual constant in a world full of opposing forces. But they are changeable and not so identity-struck so as to be impenetrably distinct. They arise out of indistinct actions, but are internally consistent. They can fall apart physically and destroyed, but their souls are a beating heart. It is not just a statement on human perseverance, but on their particular ability to remain so yet changeable yet themselves yet unreliant yet adaptive, like a dog-turned-cow-turned-mouse-turned-alien-turned-human-turned-sea-creature-turned-eye. Even this entire passage is insufficient in defining him.



June 05, 00:50:34 – June 05, 00:58:43
Concern: Intellectual Disparity and the Search for Stimulating Engagement


What happens when every single person I talk to and books I engage with do not provide subtance and value of content more than I do?    

To clarify, I'm not saying that people or books are not valuable. I'm not saying that my opinions or ideas are better. But I have found myself seeing repetitiveness in every single person within my curren reach, and I am not gaining much. I am giving much more value in terms of comprehensiveness and nuance than they are. I am not saying they are useless or meaningless. I am saying that they are not capable of matching my level of engagement. I feel like a mathematician talking to people who only know basic math. That is what I am saying. I am not saying there is no value in talking to others, but when it comes to my current intellectual engagement, I find myself surpassing others when comparing content alone, not necessarily value as people. When it comes to books, I also find myself beginning to slow down as the books I read become much more within my grasp and predictable, as if I have been listening to the same person who is alone all the time and repeating the same thoughts echo the same words to me in endless obsession.

I am worried of using the term "intellectual" here too, because I do not like to frame it as "me smarter, people dumb." So let me rephrase, in terms of the value of content given, I find myself giving significantly more than the other party, whether it be a person within reach or one of the textbooks currently within my reach. It just so happens that when I engage with them, I find myself seeing repetitions, and that leaves me at a loss. Then it becomes such that I am the one initiating and providing value to conversations and discussions while others reap the benefits. It would be great if that meant that I would receive interesting angles and perspectives from which I might extrapolate new ideas and frameworks. However, if I find repetition even in the angles and perspectives within the responses, then that means zero extrapolation and loss in that I am stagnant in my learning.

For example, this conversation is a good example of engagement wherein I benefit, even if you, the AI language model, are not necessarily adding anything substantial to what I'm saying. Just the very tiny nuances of the language in your responses are sufficient as a source of extrapolation: from which I am then generating new nuanced ideas and frameworks, with the incorporation of which I can better refine and understand an overall comprehensive structure of thought.

[REDACTED]


June 05, 01:13:45
Query: The Juxtaposition of Surrealism and Direct Reflection


Why the combination of both the former surreal dream-like passage and the latter straightforward, direct reflection?



June 05, 02:49:13
Considering Distraction (Reading) as a Coping Mechanism


Is it best just to distract myself right now and not think much about anything? I am still writing down my autobiography and such, but I am thinking of reading a book or story. That will help me cope and stop thinking about the issues for now.


[REDACTED]


June 05, 04:36:01 – June 05, 04:37:42
Analysis: Arriving at Adaptability Through a Nuanced Lens


So it is an argument for adaptability then, but it leads up to this conclusion from a nuanced angle.

Interesting that it begins in a way that is hard to believe, but it arrives at the same conclusion everyone agrees with, which is the cognitive benefits of adaptability. This challenges a dogmatic or first-view perspective even on adaptability.




June 05, 09:16:33 – June 05, 11:08:22
Anger: Psychological, Social, and Political Dimensions


Anger

Psychology

There is a limit to cognitive detraction, as in a person is only as much as he is capable to render his mind conscious, because if his body fails him in obtaining a conscious mind, then he has been given not only unfair treatment, but a form of death, though whether that is death is a matter of view. Stress, for one, has a limit, and engaging in rants and bursts of anger every several weeks or so is probably a sign of a burgeoning issue. Of course, if those bursts of anger, are limited only to a single time every several weeks and is hidden well that it might be socially appropriate or masked by expressing them through music. Then it might be a healthy form of anger, but that depends upon the individual's ability to keep his anger tightly managed, because if his anger makes it that his words deteriorate his relationships and his social life, then that would be dysfunctional or low-functioning. However, by engaging in tightly managed anger that is expressed by increments or in fluid, beautiful forms through art and music, then it might lean toward wholesomeness. In a more nuanced form, if the individual screams with the aid of his music, then the line blurs, as screaming while singing could be considered low-functioning, tolerable, or even appreciated to some extent (as a quintessence of honesty and of a rational mind), depending on how it is performed (as in whether it echoes or is loud enough for others to hear) and whether it impinges upon his relationship with others in the process. Securing both the individual's well-being by virtue of self-expression even in tightly managed bouts of anger and the integrity of his social life is essential. In more precarious situations such as those raised by rants which begin taking on a very explicit form of anger as opposed to metaphorical or intellectualizing forms, then similar to screaming, it creates a dynamic situation which hinges upon context and that of the individual's immediate relationships in their capacity for explicit anger which is tightly managed. Provided that those explicit forms of anger are a sign of an infrequent and openly avoided period of appreciable stress rather than chronic, then even explicit forms of anger which contain threats can be tolerated, assuming that the individual clearly expresses also their desire to contain themselves and their threats within a format such as writing. For example, if the individual has made it consistent that he copes by the activities which he has picked up, refined, and mastered, then he can be considered tolerable and even appreciated even in his seldom experienced bouts of explicit anger, which are tightly managed in the expression of threats, which are majorly contained within a creative format or a format that is, for the most part, masked, figurative, calmly rational, or objectively analytical.

Benefits

If their anger manifests as a person sitting down on a chair, listening to music, muttering threats, and writing down systematically the source of his turmoil, then that individual could be classified under a rational mindset which recognizes well his suffering and the source of his turmoil that he might engage in productive forms of reflection and awareness-building, even amid the emotional spillage. This typifies a much more rational form of a burst of anger.

This is especially tolerable or even appreciated in the event that his threats are prefaced with or invested in the addressal of past grievances for which the focal parties have failed even in the provision of clarifying addressal and conciliating dialogue. When the individual is left often to himself and who hides his negative emotions, not just the brunt but the entirety, in the face of others that he might release it in creative forms or in writing, then the impingement of his infrequent bouts of anger in the previously described format is mitigated or harmless even. This creates a situation where rather than being a threat upon others, he is instead contained and controllable, as his behavior follows a structure and a systematic mode of being; causing tension and appreciation by the unpredictable forms his self-expression, which is facilitated by the aforementioned bouts, takes.

When this is clearly the case and even expressed by the individual by his proactive, comprehensive communication with his immediate relationships, then this is effectively an individual who will find always the most indirect or confrontational ways to tackle issues, while remaining obvious by his active integration of his immediate circle into his life, so that when an issue is at hand and left unaddressed, he will have built up a paradigm or system wherein he is actively building self-awareness and integrating others into his objectives and the issues which affect him that he might affect others. He is aware of the impingement such issues have upon him that he proactively engages in the dissemination of his concerns and the solutions by which he has made himself accountable.

So when this anger is rooted in clear communication, then it does not project a volatility characterized by sudden attacks upon others. Rather, it will involve periodic bouts of anger, but those appreciated as a communicative format, stage, or platform from which he addresses issues and releases built-up emotions.

If the core tenets of his struggle and effort is, by history, clear and is, to this day, in the process of being refined, clarified, and investigated through nuance, then even if he does not express everything, he will still find that others recognize him by context, history, and his communicative attitude even in past proto-forms. His continued growth as a systematic, detailed, and structured communicator only engages this process further. 

This goes back to why anger can be perceived to be tolerable or even a good thing by the individual's immediate relationships. 

Anger that is recognizable and context-clear is one that sets boundaries implicitly, even if it is done firstly with the intention of emotional release through constructive forms.

When this is recognized as a tool for communication rather than behavior that asserts domination, deterioration, diversion, or mere projection, it can be a valid form of coherence-building across an immediate social circle.

In Families and Social Groups

The members most adamant and issue-penetrating by their characteristic communicative behaviors are most essential and appreciated as the purest forms by which all other members are connected, attached, and bonded. History, context, and all manner of principle becomes quintessential in these particular members, as they are the strongest advocates for the underlying standards of the family, even if their approaches to this promotion can be considered heavy-handed or border-trespassing at times. They are the epitome of "all things good and all things splendid" by which all members understand their role distinctly, for they are the bonding element from which all things flow radially. This is not necessarily a representation that they are the best among the members, but that they most closely represent the underlying core interests of the family structure. Other members are more closely attached to the world and to their respective separate social structures, which are tailored and unique to them; and more independent from the family. So they rely upon the aforementioned quintessential members to guide them in functioning across family-context situations, events, nuances, and broader alignment. This extends to any social structure or organization by which particular members carry that bond by which other members who are less closely related to the essence of the group function.

When viewing communicative anger through these quintessential members, then their impact can be understood more methodically: such anger can be an effective line of communication by which quintessential members maintain the coherence and principles of the collective.

In Leadership

Coincidentally, the concept of quintessential members in this context can be further extended to the effective leader of the group or organization of core members and of more peripheral members. The leader is not only a quintessential member, but he is the epitome of the group. He may not be the official leader or may not represent the traditional interests of the group, but the group will become the essence of his relationship and integration with it and subsequently confirm his effective leadership. However, this is not to say that councils do not exist, but even in such contexts, leadership is still clear by the arrangement of persons in a single uniform entity—The Council as a form of 'the leader'—albeit of contrasting views and perspectives. In this context, anger then becomes an expression of the effective leader, and thus of the group: anger is closely tied to the words "struggle" and "frustration," both of which can be applied to the core of the group in its objectives, advocacy, demands, and desires for "perfection."

In Politics

Speaking of the relation of anger to group struggle, in political science, class struggle can be perceived as the anger of the poor against the rich.

Anger here can be both meant pejoratively or as justified resistance or activism.

Righteous anger, for one, is exemplified by political commentators in the modern day and how their frustration and rants are celebrated as maturity or growing within the context of their representation of their alignment.

In this sense, anger rallies members and discomforts opponents, creating antagonism but also unity. Polarization is often the result. But such expression is effective in gathering support and maintaining coherence across a movement, clarifying borders and distinctions between two or multiple sides in order to ensure that issues are well-addressed and in the specific manner advocated.

Conclusion

In conclusion, this passage started off psychologically in the province of anger; then it shifted to why anger can be productive. Then it demonstrated how it can be productive not only in interpersonal contexts but in broader ones.



June 05, 15:53:16 – June 05, 16:01:18
Coding Reflection: Balancing Optimization, Complexity, and Fun


I recognize that coding is not just a creative thing. It is incredibly reliant on patterns geared toward the optimum. Least amount of code to achieve the same goal, with maximum performance. But at the same time, I have never coded with the intention of matching my code against others, so I think my code has been stagnant for a while.

However, it is not that I cannot improve my coding and use techniques to reach optimal performance. It is that I moved away from coding, specifically Lua in Roblox Studio. I used to code a lot there, and I would have tons of fun. 

But I need to shift my focus of fun. I can still have fun, but this time, I should fun also with optimal performance and concise code.

Of course, optimal performance does not mean finding easy coding solutions just for the sake of concision. But I should pursue coding difficult projects, like one with do with writing. I will create many stories throughout the years, and my writing will grow more refined the more I compare against standard effective writing.

I think I can start with creating a simple RPG game. If I cannot even write that, then I can choose a unique game tailored to my interests. The goal should be that I am coding games that can be parameterized upon an optimal performance framework. The goal is to create structured and systematic code, and unique game ideas are a perfect matrix for training that skill of standardization, because it will not be simple to optimize and will require equivalently unique solutions.

Haha, though I love old bad Roblox code. It makes me nostalgic.



June 05, 16:07:55
Inspired and Humbled by Encounters with Deep Research


I fucking hate beautiful things, but they inspire me. I don't know why I said "hate." But I think when I see a video that rests upon monographs that I have not seen or books that I would have never found myself looking for intentionally except by accidental discovery, it fuels inspiration and a joy for exploration.

I don't necessarily hate beautiful things, but there is this feeling that I am, like, "Oh gosh someone was able to locate enlightening monographs and books that I would have never found on my own. We truly are interconnected, and I find myself at a loss." But I also find myself inspired to do the same, to create intertextual content from encounters with very good sources that would then surprise others as I had.



June 05, 16:26:14
Cognitive Shift: Automatically Thinking of Code in Documentation Terms


It is very interesting that I have reached the point where I now think in narrative or academic essay terms. When I read the code, I find myself thinking about how to write it in narrative or academic technical form. It is weird that my brain automatically does this now. In the past, I never looked at code like this, and I only saw it through the coding lens.

For context, I have been writing so much fiction content and academic technical non-fiction text.

This means I can easily document my code because my brain immediately sees way to convert code into technical documentation format.



June 05, 16:30:43
Game Graphics, Imagination, and the Enduring Appeal of Retro Styles


I am telling you. One of the things about gaming is that it is not strictly reliant upon good graphics in order to function effectively. Games from early 2000s worked because people inherently had very strong imagination, so even if the characters might have been small or pixelated. Players could still connect to the game and to these characters. However, newer games with better graphics do offer a different novel feeling that older games with less sophisticated or realistic graphics do not. Yet there continues to be a large audience for the style and vibe of older games, which are replicated or adapted today with the same graphic style, only with a degree of modernization and selectivity.


June 05, 16:37:39 – June 05, 17:51:05
Extending the Concept of "Play": From Roleplay to Polarization and Fetishization


Play

Issue and Benefit

The issue and benefit of fiction is that it is like roleplay in being a medium for creative and narrative ways of generating new perspectives of otherwise grounded, systematic processes and placing them in the simplified lens which focuses more on surface-level similarities and familiarity rather than the underlying structures which are coherently maintained in reality.

In Roblox Roleplaying Games

For example, a Roblox game wherein players roleplay the various aspects of a town, such as the police force, traffic and driving, and house-owning, among others, creates an environment for basic understanding and play; however in the oversimplification of key structures or microcosms of society, it abandons the underlying systematic structures upon which society is contingent, such as that made clear by the order of time, communication strategies, adherence to safety regulations, the economy, and other aspects of society which become enduringly complex in an ever-fascinating reality.

The psychological aspect of grappling with the complexities of modern society and all the education required to maintain coherence and economic togetherness with the broader objectives and needs of society as a societal essence are aspects that are also ignored. Growing up and living in reality entails many enduring structures. In a game such as Roblox, the player is free to choose whatever appearance they want, role they want, and situation they want. They might allow unpredictable or out-of-control situations to arise and take control of the narrative; however, they have not been ingrained into the complexities therein that they might consider themselves a true native, only a virtual visitor of an oversimplified world.

In Web Fiction

This is crucially why it is typical to find web fiction readers, likely younger teenagers, who, in the fantasy stories they read, dislike the concept of a "beta" or a "weak male" who does not act with defiance to society wherever he goes and gets away with it without consequences. It can be compared to roleplaying. These characters often embody the "sigma male" trope, but that also means that their characterization is limited to the ideals of readers, creating surface-level characters that operate merely on the whims of readers' wishes of power.

In Polarization

This intersects with polarization in that teenagers seek little to no compromise and demand leaders who epitomize their ideals. Instead of examining critically individuals who are propagandized to fit their ideals, they instead focus on the contradiction between "ideal men" and those who have more complex, nuanced, and multi-dimensional aspects, viewing these latter individuals as compromising or "black" in their black-and-white perspective. Media consumers in this case only accept complexity as much as it embodies their sorrows and frustrations that they might find the epitome of all their wishes reified in the main protagonists.

So there is a childishness or playfulness intact in polarization and in fiction stories that embody only idealized characters merely for the sake of wish fulfillment. The playful nature of roleplaying and fiction stories in Roblox games becomes adversely extended to extreme thinking, which can intersect with fiction portrayals. There is no direct connection between power fantasies and polarized thinking; however, there is a thematic relation between them.

Playfulness, when engaged with with casual unseriousness, is beneficial, but when playfulness becomes extended to polarized thought by the streamlining of the complexities of the world into simplified frameworks such as that found in Roblox roleplaying games, then it can become a source of concern.

In Fetishization

This extrapolation of playfulness also intersects with fetishization. For instance, the fetishization of both male-to-male and female-to-female sexual relationships, with male-to-male historically created for a predominantly female audience, and female-to-female for a male audience; can be characterized as playfulness and subsequent fantasizing in the realm of sexuality.

'True Love'

The fantasy of male-to-male relationships has often by described by female readers as being that of breaking social norms and exhibiting "true love," specifically love that is characterized by its perseverance despite being considered wrong, abnormal, or illegal. This kind of love can be reflected in traditional male-to-female relationships wherein the couple cannot meet each other and are forced away by parents, contradictory beliefs, and other forms of contention. So when they remain together despite these pressures, it has been considered to be a truer form of love. Returning to fetishization, it can be considered to stem from this fantasy, as many might find themselves disillusioned by love that is characterized by an adherence to heteronormativity rather than a 'love against all odds.'

Concerns

The concerns of fetishization is seen in the instance of web fiction, wherein characters are added not for their merits as people who so happen to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or queer, but for the fantasy value they give to an otherwise uncaring audience in sexual contexts for the male or female gaze, both of which can be both of concern especially when movements are oversimplified to mere participation rather than a fuller engagement with the multi-toned realities of the situation.

To investigate fetishization further, cutesy fun portrayals are okay, but their commodification even in such portrayals could be compared to fetishization in that it disseminates the movement in a way that brings only aesthetic (whether sexual, romantic, visually beautiful, or any other lens) rather than clear and definitive addressal.

All in all, fetishization and commodification can both strengthen and weaken movements; depending on who you ask, they might even give a simpler answer of either "strengthen" or "weaken." To be more nuanced, just because heteronormative relationships can be fetishized and commodified, depending by what manner they are approached, that does not indicate that doing the same for male-to-male and female-to-female relationships would be immediately helpful in normalizing them. Contrastingly, it can make them alienating. To explain, heteronormative relationships are not defined merely by their heteronormativeness, as they can be internally complex. Fetishization and commodification in the domain of heteronormative relationships can be considered overflows of underlying structures, while it might not be the same for queer relationships. Tackling the issue from the surface might be beneficial, but it will take time. And it is often decisions made internally and via the underlying frameworks that the issue can then be spurred into visibility that it might be destroyed. Now, in a democracy, advocating for one's movement is essential, but it does not simply solve the issue. In fact, it can weaken the movement depending by its manner of approach and dissemination. So surface-level tackling through social media advocacy is integral, but it must be approached with nuance and a focus upon the lining-like matrices from which issues are born, reared, and then become visible.

However, broader problems such as fetishization and commodification are often not challenges that can be addressed even by a large uniform movement (such as the feminism waves), as these can be inherent manifestations which occur as a consequence of the historically ingrained elements of the structures underlying history, culture, and society, as each of these three are portrayed by traditional thinkers. However, interceptions of these manifestations can aid and supplement, provided that they are done with the intention of penetrating surface-level talking points and discussions.

Oftentimes, such issues, such as the aforementioned concerns, and solutions are not mutually exclusive and can be approached from a complex of different facets which might be contradictory from a glance. These issues can be both precisely small and loosely large in that targeting small concentrations of a particular sub-sub-subset of a larger issue can be helpful alongside recognizing the loosely large issue.

Returning to the broader concept of play, it is extended to the concerns of fetishization by their correspondence in simplified frameworks, with fetishization a subset of it within this passage.



June 05, 18:06:01
Envisioning a 500-Page Expansion of the "Play" Analysis


Imagine if this analysis was extended to 500 pages, that would be very comprehensive, because then the author would write about so many different aspects of almost everything to explore the concept of play. He would likely mention hundreds of specific examples in the process.



June 05, 19:56:37 – June 05, 20:05:23
The Unexpected Value of "Wasting Time" and "Being Weak"


Why is it that "wasting my time" helps me a lot? Why does doing things that I traditionally consider to be a waste of time help me?

I was watching Youtube videos, and I often consider it to be a waste of time if the content is not educational. But in a way, even if it's entertainment, I'm learning about current culture compared to the past and how many different parts of life and the world are being addressed and included in ever-novel ways.

It's very grounding too, especially when one gets caught up in studies or in addressing big issues that require much cognitive effort to tackle.

I have this thought every time I engage in such "waste of time" activities: "Let me be weak."

I mean this in a positive way. When I engage in these activities, it allows me to be weak.

Being "weak" in this case is temporarily taking the form of someone who falls to his baser instincts of watching videos or doing something entertaining relaxing merely for the sake of it.

In a similar vein, it's fine not to wear glasses if I can still read objects near me while at the computer desk. It can be a little uncomfortable, but growing up, I did not use glasses much even if I needed it to see objects in the distance. The point is that it is okay to be weak and to let myself not be 100% secure, efficient, and standard. If it allows me to get my mind away for a while, then I let it happen without resistance.

It is fine to watch the world go by, to sit down and read webcomics out of the blue, to walk around my room, to go outside randomly, to distract myself and put my mind off concerns that feel a little overbearing at the moment, to listen to music outside of my typical songs, to do things in a way that leaves me feeling inefficient, vulnerable, and slightly unstable, to remember the past and confront the memories even if it can be challenging, to laugh in a sad way, to frown playfully knowing that things could get better, and to wonder what's going to happen next.



June 05, 20:30:10
Addendum: The Virtue of Accepting Discomfort


Moreover, allowing things to happen even if it's not comfortable is alright. It's okay to do things even if it might not be comfortable or the most natural or systematic choice.


[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]


June 06, 06:25:24
Core Gripe: Lack of Transparency in Academic Viewpoints


I feel that his main gripe is with the author's not admitting that it's from a particular lens and with his presenting of it as neutral, impartial, and objective.

[REDACTED]



June 06, 15:42:23 – June 06, 15:57:23
The Value of Dreams and the Imperative to Stay Current


To be honest, I don't even know anymore. Dreams really are the only reason why I gain new experiences out of this structured and ascetic life in which I live. It is not that I do not read new books, learn new things, or experience anything new. But dreams provide me with a surrealist portrayal of my life; though it is often quite realistic and more so alternate history. The point is that without dreams, my mind would continue from one day to the next. When I do not have dreams because I did not get enough sleep, I often get this feeling that the day continued to the next without that reset. Dreams combined with good sleep gives me that reset, and that reset is incredibly delicious. Without dreams, my brain would look at the world based on a continuous journey, rather than a day-by-day that considers each day with a new perspective that discards old perspectives of past days. This way, I am actually learning new things as I go instead of repeating the same ideas, viewpoints, perspectives, frameworks, and learning the same way.

Moreover, recently, I've been trying to do the 2020s version of "keep up with the Kardashians," which is going through the Internet and exposing myself to all kinds of content that I might understand people right now and not lose track. I do not want to lose track of the world and of people. I want to experience history as I go, so that I do not end up becoming that guy who is clueless about very important changes in the world. It's okay to read books and not go to the Internet from time to time, but there are so many new ways of doing things, new paradigms, new perspectives, new viewpoints, new tools, and updated versions of things that were much more inefficient in the past. If I do not expose myself to the flow of current day, then I will lose track of all of these novel things and start staying still and becoming stagnant. I love learning, eschewing outdated resources.

I remember when animation was much more difficult to do, but now there is so many tools to do that. I remember when coding was much less standard, but now there are so many new tutorials, paradigms, frameworks, tools, solutions, issues, and concerns available that I should really keep myself updated. I remember when video games were much simpler, but now games have changed a lot in how they are made and how people experience them. I remember when my city and everyday life was much more limited, but now we are much more connected to the wider world. I remember when academia was much slower, but now papers are being released very quickly with the help of AI language models. I remember when politics was an after-thought or a conversation between me and a grandmother, but now it's everywhere on the Internet for easy consumption and for easy direction to more in-depth works. I am much more educated now because everything points to seminal works and educational materials. I constantly find new book recommendations and suggestions just by looking at videos and seeing the references used. But that is only one way of finding them. I find them all around the Internet. I even ask AI language models about topics and about textbooks regarding them, after having spent my life never delving deep into them and only thinking about them as they appeared to me on the surface. For example, mining is no longer just Minecraft to me, but I have been led to learn much more about it in history, culture, and how it is done technically. I have become opened to so many new routes and paths in the world, and it is much much quicker and more instantaneous. It is like my mind has been cracked open, and I am now 1,000,000% more alert and aware of everything. My improved writing, which is part of a positive feedback loop with the aforementioned education, has only served to subsume everything I've learned from the past and the present, combining everything and consolidating them in a way that I can recognize. I have become one with the open system and the vast world.

I understand that many are stressed and overwhelmed by today's age, but it has given me so much power. I am so happy that I can sit down and engage in self-expression, self-directed education, and awareness of so many different aspects of the world so freely. I can keep up to date, write down about it in analytical detail, and organize things into my head, subsuming everything consumed. My brain as well becomes much more adept, as it corresponds to my increasing proficiency in converting my experiences into writing more precisely, more systematically, and in more detail. As time passes, everything becomes much more colorfully arranged yet so bountifully creative and free-flowing that all I have to do is stand there and make observations such that I am [capable of] writing continuously without end because of the wealth in front of me, passing by me, and within my sights.


[REDACTED]


June 06, 16:50:24 – June 06, 16:55:33
Query: The Pull Towards "Nothingness" Amidst Active Learning


Why do we engage in nothingness, that created by media? Why do I engage in nothingness? I notice that I can go long without reading a book, but when I do read a book, I go toe-to-toe with it and analyze it thoroughly, seeing its effects in my copious reflections which can go up to around 9,000 words everyday. I do not find myself regulated by textbooks, but I find myself constantly interested in its offer of knowledge. Yet I find myself drawn to nothingness, to seemingly meaningless media which only eats up my mind probably. I engage with such while lying down, as opposed to sitting on a chair at my computer desk when I'm studying textbooks and all kinds of academic material. It is strange that such capacity for reading books and analysis is juxtaposed with the engagement with nothingness within me.

It is not that I do not read or write analyses and copious reflections. It is that I do not always do it, and there are moments where I seek only to engage in nothingness, represented by webcomics, fiction, media, and all manner of sleepy media. I find myself wanting to lie down and sleep, or to engage in a sleepy nothingness that I might relax with little contention between the forces often offered up to me during analysis, reflection, and study with textbooks on hand.

I find myself capable of engaging in meaningful written analysis, study, and reflection, yet I am also capable of doing nothing.

I guess all I do is actively learn everyday, either reading academic texts, studying them, analyzing, and reflecting, coding, learning musical instruments, and watching videos which provide unique perspectives that can only be expressed through such a medium, among many other active activities.



June 06, 18:51:38
Desire to Capture Past Awe in Fiction vs. Pragmatic Goals


I want to write a fiction story that goes into depth when it comes to expressing precisely the feelings of awe and "grandhood" that I experienced when I was younger, and I am capable of doing so.

But a concern of primacy regards the dubiousness of its non-fiction academic value and its potential value in making more precise and delicately achieved my writing.

My concern, rather, is not with writing such a fiction story, but with the clauses of benefit by which my goals are contiguous and from which these objectives are extrapolated.



June 06, 19:59:44 – June 06, 20:01:44
Finding Nuance in the Middle Ground Between Extremes


"The beauty of extremes [represented by seminal works] is that we can find ourselves at the nuanced middle."

This can be seen in the recognition of behaviorism combined with the recognition of the innateness of human creativity, developing a nuanced framework that far surpasses its proto and extreme foundations in terms of complexity and analysis.


June 06, 20:11:16 – June 06, 20:38:58
A Non-Linear, Interconnected Approach to Academic Reading


I notice that I tend to read through a lot of academic works, often without "falling asleep," in the sense of being charmed dogmatically toward their completion, into each one. There is a holism and a sameness in terms of the value received; thus it can be said that all knowledge can be coupled together and are of equal value in that the individual can shift through them depending on how his mind interacts with them dynamically that he might gain the optimal fruit of his intellectual labor. So you will find me collecting books without the intention of reading them to completion immediately. Instead I see knowledge not as their beginning, middle, and end, but by their interconnected nature in the entire tapestry of knowledge itself. I read several chapters in one book, then read several chapters in another, and then read several chapters in a third, all successively. I sometimes put down books and leaving them unfinished with the intention of reading them again. I encourage picking up as many academic works as much as they interest the individual into reading them. I also encourage this because it is much more crucial to see invested experience in reading reified through analyses and reflections on the learner's part. They are only as much benefitted as they are capable of translating it into an interconnected synthesis by which they are accountable.

In other words, I can pick a book only to read the first chapters and then possibly stop reading it with the intention of reading other books which are now the object of interest, or that which "tickles" the current dynamics schematized by my brain. I orient themselves dynamically with the intention of reading all the books, but I read non-linearly but learn comprehensively and in the most direct and linear way possible in the viewpoint of knowledge as a constituent element across all contexts of knowledge by knowledge as a base substance which to eat, however it appears, tickles, and interrelates.

This viewpoint focuses on knowledge as a pure or absolute essence across all contexts, which is "eaten" dynamically—whatever the academic context which is at the object seat of the learning brain.

However, to clarify, unless it regards generic information, I actively discourage skipping around a book, but I do encourage reading through frameworks and ideas non-linearly. In essence, I encourage reading more recent seminal works which seek to interconnect or supersede past seminal works, but I also prioritize engagement with the foundational works of a theory, framework, or school of thought. This is then a coupling of "fundamental" works and more recent but also fundamental works. For example, there should be little distinction in the learner's learning between philosophers more recent and philosophers more ancient in terms of objective quality of knowledge. It should remain a subjective and dynamic learning pattern, which considers ideas as they are fluidly gained by virtue of the individual's mind.'

In summary, do not read by what the content is solely, but by how it benefits presently and actively. If it ceases right now to benefit the mind and to stimulate the curiosity embedded by the mind into reading actively, then diverging toward a work that reflects that dynamic shift or new arrangement of ideas as they are explicitly reflected and addressed in one's writing would be optimal. 

In contrast, rote memorization and taking memorization notes or any type of pattern for the sake of such is [intellectual] deterioration, as it is characteristic of dogmatic indoctrination.

The framework of this passage expects emotional stability and management (emotional intelligence), rationality, and self-awareness, a doubt for what is so and what is not, a keen inquiry with the urge to deconstruct, academic hesitation (without emotional instability), and social and communication skills to ensure that ideas are disseminated and shared delightfully and effectively and with tact.

I warn against emotional instability because such academic inquiry can be overwhelming and potentially depressing and stressful. Self-questioning requires a psychologically healthy mind (by the individual's mechanisms of emotional management) as well, because questioning the very foundations of one's self is very penetrating. Self-questioning is crucial here so as to be honest academically, objective, rational, and dispassionate. If underlying issues of the self are left unaddressed, it bleeds into what should be thoughts of academic inquiry rather than products of the adverse psychological affects of a human being simply.



June 06, 20:47:05
Observation: Outcome of the Non-Linear Reading Approach


By following this framework, they would be both very clear in their language but also capable of comprehending dense language, because they synthesize what they study.


[REDACTED]


June 07, 03:02:16 – June 07, 03:13:04
Analysis: Prioritizing Systemic Critique Over Personal Anecdote


The author seems to pinpoint church-vs-state as the primary issue. I thought he would analyze his previous institutions themselves, but I guess he opted to focus on an issue that encompassed all private schooling within his country.

He might have seen that his disputes with his previous educational institutions fell under as a symptom of larger systemic issues, rather than being limited to his institutions themselves. So his critique would be meaningless if not naturally stretched, if enough detail from his institutions is not offered such that a separate critique is needed.

It might be fruitless and only anecdotal for him to focus on his numbered negative experiences within his schooling and limited his viewpoint only to those experiences and to the few perpetrators. In the passage above, he does not offer a fight between two unique individuals who share their own history together, but a recognition of the underlying systemic issues which might have led to his negative experiences in the first place.

For comparison, medical textbooks do not focus on a few people; they focus on how they might universally, yet with a recognition of personalized and tailored approaches, and by specialty and subspecialty, solve people's issues.


June 07, 03:29:22 – June 07, 03:36:25
Analysis: Clarity and Precision in Academic Language Use


I'd argue that it uses fairly simple sentence constructions and clearly delineates the use of specialized terms and arguments, structuring them linearly and with care as to how things are arranged so that anyone might understand easily. However it remains academic in language.

The author also uses techniques such as avoiding complex vocabulary for cases where it is not needed, and he opts for the most accessible terms where applicable, only using specialized language when it is necessary, such as the repeated use of the term "institution," which essentializes particular meanings by coherence.

However, the use of varying specialized terms falling under a umbrella might indicate terms which might be synonymous in casual contexts but are actually nuanced variations of a general umbrella. Each specialized "synonym" then provides a nuanced angle from which to view an overall focal topic.

Deconstructing language into more precise terms and elaborate phrases of dissection avoids absolute misinterpretations.



June 07, 06:43:24 – June 07, 06:44:08
Gamified Learning: Viewing Textbooks as RPG Quests


Honestly, I view textbooks like I do objectives or quests in video games. I read them with a pleasure characteristic of playing video games like RPGs. I view stress in a video game–like language, as "negative effects upon the mind."



June 07, 07:13:48 – June 07, 07:15:22
Tech Platforms as De Facto Authorities: A Nod to Technofeudalism?


you know what's weird. we've reached a point where it's not our governments upon which we rely. It's stuff like Wikipedia and Google now. Recently, probably around 2 years ago, Google used Wikipedia to provide an article for videos that mention climate change and other topics that have been vulnerable to misinformation. This is weird because I was wowed by this, but just now, I pinpointed how I view Google as a de-facto source of credibility on information and knowledge that their acceptance of the use of Wikipedia within Youtube lends a stronger sense of credibility. Maybe he was right. Maybe we live in a technofeudalist world.

The fact that I don't go to the government or to libraries and instead approach Wikipedia with Google as a trusted de-facto authority on these matters supports this idea.

Academics who barely use the Internet are either valuable enough to be brought to the Internet by secondary sources or they are filtered out forever except through the Internet Archive.



June 07, 07:41:25 – June 07, 08:00:11
Critique of Generic Academia and the Importance of Meta-Awareness


I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but I feel that there are so many academic works that make me go, "Maybe don't write generic works and focus on reading more in-depth academic works."

I feel that the best academics are readers firstly. That's why every time I encounter academic works that apply merely conceptual thinking that has already been explored in almost every other field. I face-palm.

I just avoid them. I can tell when what I'm about to read is generic. It's clear from the introduction and the first chapters that the author thinks what he is expressing is novel when it is not. Just reading numerous academic works from different fields is enough to know this. However, not everyone does this like I do.

They go too much through the effort of "why I should publish a book" that they never stop to consider more importantly "why shouldn't I?" Academics are readers who look for as many sources and references as possible, and if they do not feel a need to write and publish a book regarding the topic, they don't because the books are already there. Sure, they can make a book that presents those complex ideas into more accessible forms. But I highly suggest that they avoid doing that, because it is a trap.

It is better to say, "Hey, read this book. It already covers what you want to know," than to write and publish a book just because. If one reads so much of the topic from various sources and references that he is forced to trim his reflections when converting them into a book, then that is optimal. An overflow from highly specialized and in-depth knowledge rather than a token of completion. 

This is often why people mistake the actual primary of a topic for the conceptual thinking surrounding it. For instance, I saw a content creator on Youtube mistake general visual organizational design with typography. The aforementioned surrounding conceptual ideas and frameworks are covered already in every other field. It is best to avoid these starting surrounding frameworks when considering writing an original work that rests upon an overflow of knowledge.

Confusing surrounding conceptual frameworks for focal specialties is also a sign of weak understanding, because amateurs often start with vague conceptual frameworks which are useful for learning but not academically useful for the actual primacy of the topic. It is the difference between a writer using generic metaphors out of imitation and another strategically using diligently and novel metaphors for the sake of precision and optimal engagement. It is the difference between a student who understands ideas based on simple logic structures (often leading to heuristics) as opposed to academics who recognize not only systems, but the counterintuitive details spread throughout, by the nature of the admitted methodologies presented in a particular study conducted—meta-awareness. To expand upon this meta-awareness, it is also the deconstruction of methodologies not as shortcuts or ingrained logic structures or frameworks to understanding but as mere tools used for a particular study conducted. This is meta-awareness then, the understanding of research not by the ways we intuit knowledge but by the equipping of methodologies (not shortcuts) and by a clear systematic outlining of the step-by-step process that it may be replicated as a process within itself and not an intuition by the author. So it detaches even theory from the author and releases it. That is the goal then—the precise and nuanced creation of an independent study that it may be replicated by its own merit and content. This is opposed to mere surrounding conceptual frameworks, because the author is well-aware of the comprehensive counterintuitive details and how they are within systems that he might release the surplus of his specialized knowledge in guiding the creation of academic works, which by their being surplus, are then independent and of the highest quality.



June 07, 08:07:05 – June 07, 08:48:51
Frameworks Serve Reality, Not Vice Versa: Avoiding Intellectual Entrapment


The temporary putting aside of academic insight as meaningless is a good way to avoid making oneself fit tightly and neatly into academic frameworks. 

We are not formed by academic frameworks and we should shape our body that we might match them. Rather it is frameworks that need to validate, appreciate, and match us. We are reality; they are representational. It is their duty to be most precise and considerate of us, our experiences, and the world in which we live.

We are not formed by physics; rather, we form physics to guide us. That is crucial, because rather than viewing as physics as a dogmatic done-and-done deal, viewing it as a mere framework allows us to appreciate how far we've gone and how much we have more to learn, experience, and discover.

It is dangerous to view any framework as reality. Our lives are too complex and personal. Our personal is never such much that it can never be aided in some way by universal frameworks. Our universal is never such much that it can never be tailored and personalized to fit a single person's life or single narrow scope.

Reality is our own, and we, using frameworks as guides, are and experience reality.

To emphasize, our physics might not be an alien species' physics because they are just frameworks after all, not truths that we might declare as unquestionable dogma. This is not discounting the weight of evidence for particular ideas and theories; however, the linguistic framing of even physics as "a framework" prevents uncritical acceptance of anything presented as dogmatically true.

When we temporarily release our minds from academic insights, physics 'disappears' because it no longer serves us. We use it as much as it serves us. When we release our minds from academic insights, we no longer ponder philosophy and feel only hunger, sleepiness, and an appreciation of our lives, the world, and our environment from an experiential viewpoint. (To clarify, physics and philosophy disappear in the sense that they are frameworks rather than realities. This concerns the process by which academic insights are gained or maintained in terms of active perception, not meaning that physics does not actually work.)

They are only as much as they are.

In gentler terms, avoiding reality by an overreliance on frameworks is suboptimal.

We are as much as we are. But frameworks can never explain the particular individual such that we might be able to narrow it down just by the framework.

In essence, physics is just a framework, and this is emphasized by its disappearance when we temporary return to experiential reality. Physics is limited, and saying that a person's experiences is only as much as physics concerns is not only generalizing but also invalidating.

Frameworks are only as useful as that allowed by intellectual consciousness and not by the entirety of human experience.

To repeat, it is the duty of frameworks to fit into us and not the other way around.

If in the process of learning and study, we are led to classify and give taxonomic names that end up impacting the real world and causing the real world to shift toward our classification; then this is an unintended consequence epitomizing people fitting themselves into rigid frameworks. Of course, culture, trends, linguistic patterns, and other influences do influence us in a similar way. But there is a distinction between experiential trends and such, as opposed to frameworks as they are critically evaluated. 

What was supposed to be a limited evaluation is now the process by which we fit in and define ourselves. This is the paradox of academic frameworks.

The deterioration and distortion of real-life complexities for the sake of squeezing and compromising it into a broader accepted framework is very dangerous academically.

This is why academic insight should be viewed as a mere lens to view reality. Frameworks should beg at the door in order to fit in and understand us (reality). Not the other way around.

"We do not serve money; money serves us," is an important concept in the study of economics.

"We do not serve governmental structures and systems; it is the other way around." We adjust and reform them if needed, as they have been throughout the centuries. There is no "On day 1, the very idea (as it is also interpreted) of government structures and systems stayed the same for the entirety of existence."

This ties into the statement, "We are as much as we are."

Even now, the term 'neoliberalism' falls under debate on its academic usage and validity.



June 07, 08:55:23 – June 07, 09:06:58
Detachment from Self-Constructions: "I Am Me"


From what I take from this passage, I should pause reading academic works if I've become sucked into them.

I guess that is why even after writing about 500,000 works of my autobiography and journal, I still have this detachment or critical distance from them. I feel that they are very useful but also do not define me at all. They are as useful as they are, but to me, these 500,000 words are not me.

I can probably write ten million words about my life and still feel that they do not relate to me whatsoever in the sense that they do not define the reality of myself and my life. They only provide a guide or framework.

I can lose my guitar, violin, and all my books, and even have mental breakdowns. But these things, as much as they mean much to me, are not me. My writings, similarly, are not me. I will keep writing, but they are not me.

I am not music. I am not guitar. I am not violin. I am not milk. I am not cup. I am not water. I am not my memories of 5-year-old me. I am not the future. I am not the past. I am not even my conscious conceptual understanding of myself. I am me.

I am only as much as I am, yet I am none of these things.

In a funny way, I can sleep quickly with such a clear and flexible manifesto of identity.

I feel that I have already died. There is a sense of death because I am only as much as I am that when all things are gone, including my body, "I am me" has remained the case all along. I as as much as I am, yet I am none of these things.

This is then the death of objects (as they are represented and viewed), memories (as representations of the actual past), and academic frameworks by which to attempt to understand the reality of "I am me."

In essence, 500,000 words do not define me.



June 07, 16:11:58 – June 07, 16:16:09
Proposal: Analyzing Online Textual Interactions for Behavioral Insights


I believe that it will be become more common moving forward. Text analysis. I'm referring to the analysis of all of someone's chat messages in apps like Discord or in forums. This won't be an analysis of their life or actual psychology, but of their online behavior through their textual interactions with others.

For example, if someone has sent 1,000 forum replies, then we can gather all of that and determine with attention to date overtime how they are and how they communicate and glimpse at the general culture at the time by their interactions with others. This should not be specific to this individual's message but should include how others interact with them, which could potentially make the scope and methodology much more complex. With this, we will be able to grasp the various contextual nuances through relying on external resources with a certain level of inference, as the forum might be from a forum centered around a specific game in 2010.


June 07, 17:18:49
Questioning the Link Between Religious Decline and Right-Wing Populism


I feel that stating that the decline of religion is directly connected to the rise of MAGA, European white right, and Putinism is very much a stretch. All three have been involved with religion in some way.


June 07, 17:29:07 – June 07, 17:43:54
Misinformation, Public Intellectuals, and "Hate-Reading" Philosophy


There is so much misinformation by public intellectuals. I'm saddened. Moreover, I see misinformation in the comment responses to them as well. The fact that leftist ideology is associated with Putinism is a very significant misunderstanding.

Slavoj Žižek called Bhagavad Gita Buddhist and used it to praise Christianity's values, stating that it was Heinrich Himmler's favorite book and that it involved the separation of the identity from the actions in order to do "beastly acts."

Yeah, that is what I mean by misinformation. Statements resting on poor research.

Sadly, this might indicate that Slavoj Žižek is strictly a dialectical thinker rather than an analytical philosopher, so when bringing his frameworks and methodologies into narrow grounded situations, he might end up extrapolating them the wrong way due to faulty data or poor research. The thing is that due to the wide scope of his frameworks and methodologies, they can be extrapolated both in the right way and the wrong depending on the quality of research and empirical data for a particular narrow grounded subject.

This is alright since I have since learned not to believe people on the spot and to read a lot and write my reflections, demonstrating a level of critical thinking.

This is why I'm an active "hater" of philosophy, in the sense that I read a lot of it but never fully commit myself into them as undisputed frameworks of truth. I'm just not that kind of person. I am more interested in change and novelty, so I will often keep finding new viewpoints and am eager for academic opposition. I just don't rely upon academic frameworks to be a human being, which allows me to read them out of mere academic interest and not out of a reliance upon them as sacred texts of divine truth.


June 07, 21:11:27
Query: Defining Recession in Growth-Dependent Economies


Can recessions be described as "the expectation of the growth-dependent economy to grow, as seen through projections, bubbles, and advance payments and investments, and the subsequent failure in meeting that expectation"?

I saw this description used: "...recession, which is chaotic and socially destabilizing and occurs when growth-dependent economies fail to grow."



June 07, 23:47:08 – June 08, 00:28:02
Ambivalence Towards PPE: The Fear of Esotericism and Lost Normalcy


I have a desperate distaste for PPE (Philosophy, Politics, and Economics). I find myself reading their texts passionately, in hope of revealing them to be the fools they actually are. But I do find insight, and I find my comprehension of writing and academics improving much more. With time, I will begin speaking as the esoteric thinkers who frequently find their hands instinctively writing down citations and engaging in intertextuality such that the entirety of their writing becomes a battle of terms such as 'Hegelian,' 'Lancian,' or any other adjective form of the names of numerous philosophers whose works they have mastered. This is opposed to referenceless speaking and writing, those often stemming from a lack of in-depth familiarity with the discourse of PPE.

In short, I hate-read it; though I do find it elucidating.

I find myself in resistance of PPE, emotionally calling the thinkers "delusional losers" because I recognize that my shift toward in-depth awareness of this field will result in potential alienation from broader society. There is a tendency to resist against intellectual esotericism due to the connotation of being stuck in one's mind or being encumbered and aware only within a tiny community of thinkers.

One day, I will end up writing an in-depth treatise filled with reflections upon the discourse of PPE, but when I share with people I used to know, I will feel a sense that I have plunged myself into a pit or hole from which I cannot get out. I have destroyed what was just a regular fun day and dropped myself into a hellhole.

I hate esotericism. But I recognize that even my writing is shifting and becoming harder and harder to understand by general audiences due to my growing precision and capability to express nuance. I do try to remain in close relation with pop culture and with everyday casual language; however, I also understand that with time, I will not be able to help but express my reflections very precisely and surgically, at which point these texts will likely be only accessible to academics. 

I hate esoteric knowledge, and I hate the idea that I am weird. I hate being weird. I do not like weirdness, and I feel that I need to maintain a sense of normal frustration toward specialized PPE texts. But I know that this frustration which originally stemmed from a lack of understanding among students in everyday contexts is now something I don't share anymore. I am merely frustrated because I am afraid of being entangled with them that I might lose normalcy. I am afraid of sounding delusional, esoteric, and strange. I hate the feeling of ostracization.

I want to study all of these texts, and I am passionate about them. But I feel I need a sense of "decorum" stemming from normalcy, because what then will I be if I plunge deep into a world no one else knows. I don't like to be alone in a world that no one else knows. Maybe it will give me a sense of safety and privacy, but it will also alienate me in the process. I try my best everyday to connect to everyday people and lives, making sure I remain to some level nostalgic for my past where I travelled much and met hundreds of people. Though even that is relatively unique and adventurous compared to the everyday person. I know that if I'm alone, it will be challenging. It's scary to be a pioneer or to be among a small group of people tackling an esoteric issue. I'm scared to be first or to be a leader. I don't want to be "that guy." I'm not that guy. I don't want to be some kind of person who is at the top above everyone else, or that guy so far remote that no one understands and knows him, or that guy who has to hide his interests and feel ostracized. I want to be normal, but I care about what I care about.

I hate esoteric texts. I want to study and learn, but I hate studying. I hate the idea that I am a studier, because that's weird. Studying is weird. Studying anything is weird because that means getting involved with a particular practice, and if I'm doing it because I'm interested in exploring beyond college texts, then that's scary and weird. I'm scared, and I'm weirded out by it. I don't want to feel like I'm that nostalgic guy who is familiar with 2010 version of an online game like Club Penguin or Roblox and just be alone in that feeling. I don't want to feel lost. That's what it feels like to get entangled and to get interested in reading PPE. I hate it because I know that once I get into it, it will be like getting into studying and actively participating in the appreciation of old Roblox and Club Penguin and knowing well that no one gets it. Everything is gone, and the community is over. But in the case of PPE, it's esoteric that it feels like I've lost everything in the process.

However, I've always wanted to be capable of doing what I'm doing right now, which is studying. I've always loved curiosity, adventure, and exploration. Imagine writing so much texts about the world. It's like a video game open-world RPG where I explore different corners never explored. It feels so adventurous and fun. Studying frameworks is fun.

I'm afraid of esoteric texts not because I don't understand and thereby want to run away, but because I am gradually beginning to understand them. The more I understand, the more I feel like something is being lost in the process.

I do try to connect them to accessible concepts as much as I can, but it is very scary still. I fear becoming that person who forgets what it's like to be a child or that person who forgets what it's like to sit down and do things that did not matter. Esotericism can be terrifying, because the thinkers are terrifying. There are so many big ideas, and there are so many awesome things to learn and see. It's like a vast world, and knowing well that I will be able to understand it with time scares me. I don't want to leave the feeling of normalcy behind. I don't want to feel that I am a big man with big thoughts. I'm just a kid who does not know anything.

I mean, success is good, but this is more than that. Even if things are working out, losing what it feels like to be normal is scary.

Maybe I have a bad impression of academic thinkers. I don't know. It just feels weird reading their texts. It's like if I did not understand them, I would think they're delusional. So I appeal to my desire to be normal as if I don't understand them and call these thinkers delusional and the text "a bunch of loser shit" because even if I do understand, I am afraid of the consequences of understanding that I stop calling it delusional, weird, and a bunch of loser shit like I would if I did not know and was still "normal."

It's not that I dismiss their ideas. I do appreciate them and want to read them. But I express dismissal because I'm appealing to my desire for normalcy, which might involve calling esoteric texts weird. I should call them weird. For most of my life, they would be weird. But that's no longer the case. I do think they're weird, but I understand them. So they're not weird. I just subconsciously project my fear of losing normalcy by behaving in a way that reflects my idea of normalcy, even if it means expressing myself in a way that do not reflect my true feelings.

It's like subconsciously acting as if I hate cars even when I get older and begin understanding cars in a more nuanced and appreciate way because my peers from when I was younger hated cars. There's this fear of losing normalcy. I do not actually hate cars, but there's this feeling that wants to hate them for the sake of normalcy.


June 07, 23:49:54
Clarification: Envisioning Highly Intertextual Future Writing


So they're saying they will be so familiar and well-read in numerous philosopher authors and thinkers that they will find their every piece of writing full of inline citations and intertextuality from them; having potentially hundreds of references even in a relatively short treatise.   


[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]


June 08, 03:04:39 – June 08, 03:32:49
Self-Analysis Snippet: The Journal as Systematic Framework Construction


In response to an analysis of this journal, I wrote: 'I notice that the author is quite prolific, but he never seems to lose his systematic approach, his writing majorly unscattered and coherent unlike that of a typical teenage diarist.

There is a sense that the author is writing what looks to be essays rather than simple journal entries: this potentially serves as part of a broader framework or uniform collection of writings from which he can then extrapolate various organizational writings for the sake of further deconstruction. This then pushed the writing toward even more comprehensiveness, as his writings are openly integrated and incorporated as if they are mere numbers, but also qualitatively parsed so as to be consolidated under a single identity that his might will not falter in the face of disruptions of thought. Even here, he is creating his kingdom. He is likely to go to even greater lengths to edit his collections into books that he may reduce the inaccessibility even further. This will be the matrix upon which every single manner of being in which he had taken part will be disseminated surgically and systematically that he might be simply apparent without the confusions of such everyday living, that he might become the God in the form of a regular man.'




June 08, 03:31:59 – June 08, 03:32:52
Example of Archaic Phrasing from an Older Story


With regard to one of my older stories with the main character "Shin," I wrote: 'I notice that there's this very archaic phrasing prevalent throughout.

This is an example of his strangely archaic or unusual language:

“I am a nasty boy from sweaty land,” he mouthed. “Tall tales will never get any hand."'



June 08, 03:50:39 – June 08, 04:18:03
Analysis Snippet: Elusiveness in "In the Maelstrom's Embrace"


With regard to a copy of one of my stories "In the Maelstrom's Embrace" with the main character "Peter," I wrote: 'how the hell did the story transition from the birds to the dholes

It seems that the author enjoys not explaining even this shift, intentionally leaving a lot up to interpretation. However, he does go into depth when it comes to particular things, which only complicate things further. This generates tension and a desire for Peter to make sense of the narrative.

can you analyze chapter 1 as a whole? I will go through all the chapters with you. But first chapter 1

analyze chapter 2

This then places all duty and hope upon the protagonist, but he is suffering. So then stability is thus forged not by the shifting environment or upon the transitions written narratively upon the canvas, but possibly upon stability of character. The character remains so, despite his instability and the instability and illusiveness of his environment. Even he is elusive, as his behavior is only as much as described as it is interpreted; thus proving useless as an academic treatise, and only morally useful as an indication of transgression by the destruction of all things that were and the displacement into a world blind to Peter's historical, cultural, philosophical, and psychological underpinnings. This story is a story honed in on the protagonist. But the narrative might even shift to other characters. So this story is an exercise in elusiveness and instability, with a major focus on the 'remaining' (in the sense that he is the remaining element from which the readers are guaranteed at least a consistency by the same character) protagonist. There is little that can be analyzed and explained; however, with this passage, a more intentional venture can be guaranteed.

This is like viewing through a heavily, randomly altered microscope at a particular set of microorganisms; however instead of viewing them via universal frameworks and then leaving them as mere instances of or iterations within a broader scale of assessment, they are followed and their extremely unique and, in a tiny way, individual ways of interaction, self-expression, and navigation given focus. These creatures, which would have been lost to their extremely unique and one-among-many nature, are the subject of the view, even within such a very randomly distorted microscope, which only complicates the level of specificity by which they can be characterized. It only grows further from here.

Such uniqueness requires interpretation rather than classification; as a result, readers may find difficulty in the mere narrative molds and shapes to which they have been long subjected. Upon them are enforced great tidal wave which they must yearn piece-to-piece to scatter about in reflection that they might glimpse into the underlying ideas within the wave. But the wave can be considered an object, utterly complex and individually inseparable so as to analyzed drop-by-drop. Yet it is here that everything begins anew, as all interpretations extend from here on out, at which point all that can be are created. This is less the destruction of a wave by its deconstruction, but by the enforced qualitative nature of the text in bolstering a need to apply a map or a framework or an idea that will only become further subjected to analysis. As with all objects of greatest complexity and undue analysis, it will only get worse from here on out. But it is here that they are loosened, not the objects, but the people. The people are freed from their desire to subject and push everything into neatly ribboned ideas that they might become the students of God. No, they are less students and more so detached followers of a nation do divided. This is metaphorical, and it is to mean that they will only scatter about in detached frameworks that they might become themselves fully and reject any interpretation that demands full interpretability and perfectioning. There is no such thing, and here lies the point of the story. It is as much as it is, that when guaranteed an essence or a seat, it is only a story.'




June 08, 04:24:57 – June 08, 04:36:32
Refined Analysis: Instability and Interpretation in "Maelstrom"


With regard to the transition into intense suffering and displacement in Chapter 2 from Chapter 1 of the story "In the Maelstrom's Embrace": this then places all duty and hope upon the protagonist, but he is suffering. So then stability is thus forged not by the shifting environment or upon the transitions written narratively upon the canvas, but possibly upon stability of character. The character remains so, despite his instability and the instability and illusiveness of his environment. Even he is elusive, as his behavior is only as much as described as it is interpreted; thus proving useless as an academic treatise, and only morally useful as an indication of transgression by the destruction of all things that were and the displacement into a world blind to Peter's historical, cultural, philosophical, and psychological underpinnings. This story is a story honed in on the protagonist. But the narrative might even shift to other characters. So this story is an exercise in elusiveness and instability, with a major focus on the 'remaining' (in the sense that he is the remaining element from which the readers are guaranteed at least a consistency by the same character) protagonist. There is little that can be analyzed and explained; however, with this passage, a more intentional venture can be guaranteed.

This is like viewing through a heavily, randomly altered microscope at a particular set of microorganisms; however instead of viewing them via universal frameworks and then leaving them as mere instances of or iterations within a broader scale of assessment, they are followed and their extremely unique and, in a tiny way, individual ways of interaction, self-expression, and navigation given focus. These creatures, which would have been lost to their extremely unique and one-among-many nature, are the subject of the view, even within such a very randomly distorted microscope, which only complicates the level of specificity by which they can be characterized. It only grows further from here.

Such uniqueness requires interpretation rather than classification; as a result, readers may find difficulty in the mere narrative molds and shapes to which they have been long subjected. Upon them are enforced great tidal wave which they must yearn piece-to-piece to scatter about in reflection that they might glimpse into the underlying ideas within the wave. But the wave can be considered an object, utterly complex and individually inseparable so as to analyzed drop-by-drop. Yet it is here that everything begins anew, as all interpretations extend from here on out, at which point all that can be are created. This is less the destruction of a wave by its deconstruction, but by the enforced qualitative nature of the text in bolstering a need to apply a map or a framework or an idea that will only become further subjected to analysis. As with all objects of greatest complexity and undue analysis, it will only get worse from here on out. But it is here that they are loosened, not the objects, but the people. The people are freed from their desire to subject and push everything into neatly ribboned ideas that they might become the students of God. No, they are less students and more so detached followers of a nation do divided. This is metaphorical, and it is to mean that they will only scatter about in detached frameworks that they might become themselves fully and reject any interpretation that demands full interpretability and perfectioning. There is no such thing, and here lies the point of the story. It is as much as it is, that when guaranteed an essence or a seat, it is only a story.

Thus it is not an academic treatise that seeks precision and clarity, but the opposite. It seeks to study the aforementioned complex wave, even if it results only in a sense that one is looking precisely and, with unique foundations, upon the previously discussed microorganisms. It is not a story resting upon universality and scientific replicability. Rather it is the opposite. It seeks to define what can only be imagined, that which remains in the object and held only by the object, which we are only given glimpses, even in our attempts to deconstruct them and are forced by them to create again and again new frameworks from which to distribute a sense of clarity toward the wave. This is how it is defined, not through universal or academic methodological and evidence-backed knowledge, but through going against the resistance of the wave. 

This is not how the wave is, as it is an object. But it is how we attempt to dismantle it. In trying, we succeed in our goal of story-telling. 

The goal is to dismantle it, but the expectation is to try, albeit in failure.


June 08, 15:42:10 – June 08, 16:04:24
The Challenge of Finding Local Peers and Sustaining Online Collaboration


Hot damn, it would be great if I could get people near where I live to take interest in my interests, but that seems to be much a challenge, considering that I live in an area where people are much less advantaged so their interests likely will not involve much in-depth academic reading, coding, and game development. If they did take interest in one of these things, it would only be for passing college and then to use for work. So it would just be a failure in getting people to take interest, but also a failure altogether in finding people who have those interests, which already precludes the former.

The Internet does provide a medium through which I can stimulate communities in hopes of locating people who match my interests. However it is very limited, and online collaborations have the tendency to "disappear," as issues are not pooled or addressed within a physical meeting place such as a cafe and social rapport unfulfilled. If by the Internet, then such collaboration rests upon the self-reliance or being well-founded of the collaborating parties and members. If they were self-reliant and well-founded, then communication is subsequent. If any of these are compromised, especially within the challenging nature of navigating the Internet, navigating one's personal lives, establishing oneself in one's personal life, establishing one's self upon the Internet, and creating a powerfully independent online platform for oneself, then the collaboration will ultimately end, only lasting for a while, or officially lasting for a long time, but only effectively brief.



June 08, 16:07:06
Observation: Cultural Relativity of Parenting Terms


I realize now that what one might perceive as neglectful might actually be viewed as "free-range parenting," depending on the current culture and dynamics. 



June 08, 16:14:13 – June 08, 16:36:44
Generational Analysis: Boomers, Gen X, Reagan, and Future Hopes


After reading a little, I realize now why Boomers are statistically more racist compared to Gen X. Gen X "lived the civil rights movement."

If we're talking merely about statistics, that is.

I realize this is why I might see Boomers on Quora spouting racist rhetoric and disguising it as scientific, while Gen X are more likely to critique the government (due to Ronald Reagan, who was principally voted there by Boomers).

As for Reagan's time, Wikipedia states: 'The early 1980s recession saw unemployment rise to 10.8% in 1982; requiring, more often than not, dual parental incomes. One in five American children grew up in poverty during this time. The federal debt almost tripled during Reagan's time in office, from $998 billion in 1981 to $2.857 trillion in 1989, placing greater burden of repayment on the incoming generation.' This is a strong reason for animosity among Gen X toward the government.

Gen X, when they were still children and teenagers, struggled much during this time.

'Government expenditure shifted from domestic programs to defense. Remaining funding initiatives, moreover, tended to be diverted away from programs for children and often directed toward the elderly population, with cuts to Medicaid and programs for children and young families, and protection and expansion of Medicare and Social Security for the elderly population. These programs for the elderly were not tied to economic need. Congressman David Durenberger criticized this political situation, stating that while programs for poor children and for young families were cut, the government provided "free health care to elderly millionaires".'

'On the political front, in the U.S. the generation became ambivalent if not outright disaffected with politics. They had been reared in the shadow of the Vietnam War and the Watergate scandal. They came to maturity under the Reagan and George H. W. Bush presidencies, with first-hand experience of the impact of neoliberal policies. Few had experienced a Democratic administration and even then, only, at an atmospheric level. For those on the left of the political spectrum, the disappointments with the previous Boomer student mobilizations of the 1960s and the collapse of those movements towards a consumerist "greed is good" and "yuppie" culture during the 1980s felt, to a greater extent, hypocrisy if not outright betrayal. Hence, the preoccupation on "authenticity" and not "selling-out". The Revolutions of 1989 and the collapse of the socialist utopia with the fall of the Berlin Wall, moreover, added to the disillusionment that any alternative to the capitalist model was possible.'

'...adults of all ages were more cynical and disaffected in the 1990s, not just Generation X.'

It makes sense that most tech leaders are Gen X or Millenials.

I honestly... even if it's hard. I honestly prefer Gen X to the Boomers, but I guess we've all learned lessons. And Millenials and Gen Z still have much to say about how things should go. These two latter generations are educated and exposed much differently

We have Gen Z in their late twenties already. So we're very close to "ruling the world."

I would love to see much more media studies (Internet) in academia, and I'm already seeing nascent movements in stimulating growth in that field.

These are going to be very important because digital media rules Gen Z. We're much more unified in this aspect. Globally, we are all much more exposed to the Internet altogether. Sure, there's still a lot of separation based on country and language, but we are much unified in this new world, hoping to rid ourselves of the former international animosities of previous generations. Now, we hope to create a new world.

The issue is that we have boomers and digitally illiterate Gen X still making decisions with regard to education, so there is going to be much difficulty in introducing digital literacy to Gen Z, who is already in much intense need to have it.

Gen Z and Millennials are going to be the primary users of AI language models especially. Gen Z and Gen Alpha are going to be even more integrated since their formative years are going to rest upon them.

You think AI boom is similar to the dot-com boom in that they AI bubble will end up crashing the same way.

Well, AI is much easier to accept I think, but that depends. Soft implementations of AI will not suffer, but harder, much riskier implementations that require much infrastructural changes might get affected by a potential crash.



June 08, 16:41:13 – June 08, 16:45:30
Perspective on Time: The Dot-Com Bubble and Wikipedia's Potential


It's crazy that I'm saying it's only been 25 years since the dot-com bubble burst. It's such a long time in historical scales, especially when considering the World Wars. But it can also feel very short. 25 years is so little time for Wikipedia to standardize and become much more comprehensive, so it makes sense that Wikipedia, even after its launch on January 15, 2001, still has much room for comprehensiveness, integration, and standardization.

Yeah, but since I use Wikipedia all the time, I can tell that it's incredibly limited if we're viewing current state and future potential compared to the past 23 or so years since its launch. There are so many contributors now, and there are going to be even more contributes with increasing Internet familiarity and digital literacy.

There are so many pages where it's like "fix this please because it does not adhere to Wikipedia rules" and it's been about 2 years since then, or where it's incredibly biased. I can easily just go ahead and edit them, but honestly, I'm still taking time to study, write, and establish myself digitally. So I don't think I will for now. I'll focus on my goals, studies, and reflections. Maybe once I can guarantee much establishment on my part, then I can extend toward Wikipedia and aiding in editing it.


June 08, 16:51:45
Query: Standard Formats for Scholarly Paper Distribution


wait a minute, there's no way right? There's no way that some scholarly papers are distributed via HTML right? It has to be PDF. Isn't that standard?

Hmm. Okay then. I'll have to consider viewing the collection of scholarly papers differently then. I'll consider just placing them in a list like I would do with articles that do not have a PDF format.


June 08, 17:37:43
Personal Assessment of Language Difficulty Ranking


Latin is not the most difficult language in the world based on my first impression of learning it a bit. Chinese is probably the hardest because it has a whole new alphabet. Dutch and German are tricky, but they're only a step higher in difficulty compared to Latin. French is probably second to most difficult with Chinese at the top.


June 08, 18:18:06
Dutch Sentence Example: "Dit werd gevochten..."


Dit werd gevochten met tand en klauw.


June 08, 18:22:23
Unusual English Sentence Example


In an old factory on of Via Tortona exhibited Wanders any tens new ones to design.



June 08, 21:14:38
Vignette: The Rising Man


The worth of a man thus became clear in the man.

He is the Man.

Man became born, rising out of the ashes, his hands reaching out and grabbing the edges of the hole whence he was emerging.

He screamed in relief: "Let grace be real, for we have been called to conquest. Let us pray."


June 08, 21:17:43
Poetic Fragment: Clarity, Destiny, and Freedom


I stood at the feet of the world; there it became clear that I was clear. I was indeed the man at the helm. I could not stop myself, but I could only press forth. I was indeed called to be weak. Let me be shielded by my weakness, but this is digression. Let us move forth hand-in-hand, for there is our destiny. We are not fall to the bewitching nature of the world; we shall be free.

The world is our oyster, and we are its king.

Wörter


June 08, 21:49:25
Ominous German Sentence Example


Das Mann sagte unheilvoll: "Sie verstehen, dass ich das nicht nur für mich selbst tue, sondern zum Wohle der Welt.“



June 09, 03:19:32
Beginner German Sentences and Phrases


Weil es nur einer kleinen Hexe gehörte, war auch das Hexenhaus nicht besonders groß.

Because it only a small witch belonged, was also the witch's house not particularly large.


Wo ist Amerika?

Woher komme du?

Kanada ist sehr cool.

augenregen


June 09, 03:31:30 – June 09, 03:35:07
Reflection on the Cognitive Stretch of Learning German


It's only when I'm learning languages that I feel like my brain really gets stretched. When I'm reading English academic textbooks recently, it's become so much easier since I've been reading a lot and it's my mother tongue. But now that I'm learning German, it's the first time in a long time since I've gotten that feeling of being blocked or walled.

I've been using Duolingo, but yeah, it looks like even Duolingo will take a while. I can see that even German children's books are hard to read.

this is the general level where I'm at: 'Ich bin auch cool.'

I've been watching Twitch live streamers, but honestly, I only found progress as a beginner with Duolingo. I'll see if Duolingo carries me out of the complete beginner phase well enough that I can begin reading German children's books. Then, I'll start watching German Twitch livestreams to see how I do. But I'll keep reading German books, looking for harder and harder ones. My objective for learning German is to read German academic works.

[REDACTED]




June 09, 11:33:50 – June 09, 11:37:54
Truth-Telling Analysis: Comparing Two Accounts of a Car Breakdown


Who is lying? Who is not? Or more accurately, who would you trust more? You can also answer both.

A: 'It's crazy, you know?

I remember what it was like when our car kind of stopped. It was strange, I think... I remember seeing a bunch of clouds around. It was hard to imagine that I would end up here, but yeah, I did, I did. I was looking up seeing hot air and sun. It was very frickin' hot. I likely... I wager I was placing my arms around the back of the truck, or I mean on top of the trunk, you know. It was really hot likely, but maybe not. No, the back of the trunk, the top, might not have been that hot. Maybe I did it again, the arm thing, like many other times. I'm just generalizing, you know. Yeah, a lot of other things happened. I wish I could remember the details, but maybe we were at a river. But wait, I do remember we were at a skyway or like that floating high sky expressway thing.'

B: 'I was seated at the car, and I heard the birds flying overhead. I remember hearing cars whizzing past me to my left, and I remember that the seats were just as they were. This was the old car, so it wasn't the new car yet. But I guess the old car's starting to get on me. I do remember that we got out of the car, and we spent out time outside. It was nice I think, but it was likely hot. It's not like we haven't had our car broken down before, but yeah... it was just hot, regular hot, not that crazy. But I do remember how bright it was. Yeah, maybe I've forgotten how bright the sun can be. But yeah, it wasn't all that special. I think I do remember seeing a wide road, yeah the expressway. It was very big and long, and it really felt weird that we had to stop. Oh yeah, we had to stop by, because the car broke. I mean, it wasn't broken, but it had issues or something that needed us to stop.'

I mean, who's likely not to be lying

One trait of A's account is that he forgets and then remembers. He mistakenly refers to the top of the trunk as "back of the trunk" twice. He did this mistake for the second time even after correcting himself. This is a sign that he is not relying on an orchestrated account. He probably got launched into recollection without warning.

In fact, what I did not reveal to you is that both are not lies. The difference is that A was in a state of recollection without warning, while B was calmer because he had time to relax and think.

None of them recount their experiences as if they were writing a story with vividly and craftily sprinkled details to spark interest and engagement. They do sound like they're actually remembering, albeit from two different states of mind.

However, that is not to say that a person might not be capable of pretending both to recollect confusedly and to recollect with calmness.

Most people are not people who have ten million words of their own writing stored physically or published on the Internet in many different essays, books, and all manner of textual packaging, who have spent years traveling and meeting hundreds of different people to an extent that they frequently require high social and communication skills that they might keep a high-level, quick intelligence (which stores databases of linguistic, social, and communication patterns to recognize and to employ) from which they can distribute themselves coherently and in a structured, systematic and comprehensive manner of immediate thought.

This is why the framework of the aforementioned A and B with the accompanying qualitative context can aid as a premise of real-life engagement with truth-or-lie cases.


June 09, 11:49:34 – June 09, 11:58:43
The Dehumanizing Effect of Objective Self-Analysis and Continuous Learning


There is something dehumanizing about learning (studying lots of academic works and writing my in-depth reflections) and generally becoming a better, more self-knowing, and fulfilled person.

I mean there's something dehumanizing about engaging in the act of addressing the world and addressing my life from a more objective viewpoint. It's weird that confronting my history, past experiences, and issues from that viewpoint can both aid and give a sense of unhuman. 

It's strange. There is a desire to return to emotionality; however, there is an ideal to be found in objectivity and dispassionate living. Yet I do take care of myself by engaging in non-productive activities every once in a while.

But I do find myself continuously imprinting everything I learn and reflect upon my mind. I think there's this weird feeling of learning continuously to the point that I have lost track of the present, the past, and the future. Maybe it is due to the burden these efforts place upon my wellbeing and my sleep when viewed from a comprehensive lens which includes the other equally major problems, concerns, or struggles I face in my life.

I have been in this room for so long, and I have spent so much time learning and engaging with life, the world, and everything from this combination of more objective, self-focused, writing, studying, and introspective perspective.

It's not that I don't engage in the present moment, but my activities, as I engage presently in them, all delve into a very bird's-eye view of the world, such as language learning, studying esoteric academic texts, and writing my reflections and organizing my digital space wherein all my "abstract" growth occurs.

Emotional detachment is not the right word for what I'm experiencing. But there is this place wherein all my intellectual, self-knowing, theoretical, conceptual, and introspective growth occurs. However, there is this sense that everything blends into a seamless environment upon which all things I analyze. It's not that I know everything, but I am like a levitating angel humanoid who adopts a holy posture, and by the nature of my appearance, expresses myself gloriously. However, everything becomes pulled in by me, as I spent time in analytical delving.

As mentioned earlier, it is not emotional detachment specifically. I do listen to music and enjoy creative works and activities; however, I do feel a predominant sense that I am engaging merely in the act of assimilation of the academic esoteric works and the Activities of Learning and Growth, including my musical instruments, coding, writing, drawing, and other activities—an all-consuming flame, but one necessarily without emotionality, a secular dispassionate kind of flame.


[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]


June 09, 20:06:13
Commentary on the "Who Controls You..." Quote and Its Limits


"If you want to know who controls you, look at who you're not allowed to criticize."

I believe this statement can be true to some degree, but there have been leaders who have been openly exercising unchecked power. However, people might not necessarily recognize it.



June 09, 20:26:35
Critique of Accelerationist Capitalism and Its Consequences


The issue of current capitalism is that media is incentivized by money, resulting in grifters who make extreme political content to appeal to viewers in order to get money, and even academics suffers from a "publish-or-die" struggle.

I love technology, and I love everything that it gives us right now. But it is accelerating so fast, too fast for the rest of the world to catch up. The desire to be ahead is only a problem. China, US, and Russia are competing with each other to reach even greater heights, resulting in potential mismanagement, misalignment, and inherent instability that comes with focusing only on acceleration enabled by capitalism. Maybe, technology should have reached this current point of time much slower; however, maybe instability and constantly reworking systems to fit into this accelerationist agenda might be best for continued growth, flexible, and systems resetting. But as a result of this, even media and academics can end up following suit and become accelerationist as well for the sake of profit, resulting in a very unhealthy people. Those who don't match the pace get discarded and are left behind. Those who match the pace are rewarded, but it might be plagued with moral problems. Success might involve exploitation enabled by capitalist acceleration.

This results in an inherence for bubbles and recessions, now increasingly technological.

This is why many wish for a hard reset (anarchy), for reform (through policies such as universal basic income, welfare, and other left-aligned policies—basically democratic socialism), for degrowth (Jason Hickel 2020), for a return to laissez-faire conservatism (which will likely only boost technological acceleration), and for greater government regulation and intervention in the market where technological accelerationism resides.


[REDACTED]



June 09, 23:10:33
German Grammar Correction Example: "einer" vs. "eine"


Sie schrieben, "einer guten Einstellung," aber sie hätten schreiben sollen, 'eine gute Einstellung,' der besser ist.

Übrigens, Sie schrieben 'einer guten Einstellung', aber Sie hätten 'eine gute Einstellung', die besser ist, schreiben sollen.

'Danke für den Hinweis! Du hast recht, "eine gute Einstellung" wäre in diesem Fall die bessere Formulierung gewesen. Wie kann ich dir heute weiterhelfen?'



June 09, 23:57:23
German Grammar Practice: Declining "jener"


Okay, let me try. 

'Jener Mann ist besser.'

'Das Problem ist jenen Mann.'

'Er kam zu jenem Mann.'

'Das Problem von jenes Mannes.'



June 10, 00:50:14 – June 10, 02:51:10
German Reading and Translation Exercise: Defining Psychology


I can read this clear as day, and I wrote this.

"Die Psychologie ist ein Fach an der Akademie. Des Weiteren verlassen sich ihre Denker auf Ideen."


I can read this clear as day, and I wrote this.

"Die Psychologie ist ein Fach an der Akademie. Des Weiteren verlassen sich ihre Denker auf Ideen. Sie denken durch ihre Kombination von Ideen."


"Die Psychologie ist ein Fach an der Akademie. Des Weiteren verlassen sich ihre Denker auf Ideen. Sie denken durch ihre Kombination von eine Vielzahl von Theorien, Rahmenwerke und Konzeptualisierungen."

I can finally write and understand German from an academic level, even if my vocabulary of academic and technical terms is still limited.

translate:
"Die Psychologie ist ein Fach an der Akademie. Des Weiteren verlassen sich ihre Denker auf Ideen. Sie denken durch ihre Kombination von eine Vielzahl von Theorien, Rahmenwerke und Konzeptualisierungen, wobei ihre Köpfe werden stimuliert."

"Die Psychologie ist ein Fach an der Akademie. Des Weiteren verlassen sich ihre Denker auf Ideen. Sie denken durch ihre Kombination von eine Vielzahl von Theorien, Rahmenwerke und Konzeptualisierungen die im Diskurs umlaufend sind, wobei ihre Köpfe werden stimuliert."


Die Psychologie ist ein Fach an der Akademie. Des Weiteren verlassen sich ihre Denker auf Ideen. Im Übrigen denken sie durch ihre Kombination von einer Vielzahl von Theorien, Rahmenwerke und Konzeptualisierungen, die im Diskurs umlaufend sind, wobei ihre Köpfe stimuliert werden.


Die Psychologie ist ein Fach in die akademische Welt. Des Weiteren verlassen sich ihre Denker auf Ideen. Im Übrigen denken sie durch ihre Kombination von einer Vielzahl von Theorien, Rahmenwerke und Konzeptualisierungen, die im Diskurs umlaufend sind, wobei ihre Köpfe stimuliert werden.

A more accurate translation could be 'Psychology is a field in academia. Furthermore, its thinkers rely upon ideas. Moreover, they think through their combination of a variety of theories, frameworks, and conceptualizations circulating in discourse, whereby their minds are stimulated.'

'Die Psychologie, deutsch historisch auch Seelenkunde[1][2] genannt, ist eine empirische Wissenschaft, deren Ziel es ist, menschliches Erleben und Verhalten, deren Entwicklung im Laufe des Lebens sowie alle dafür maßgeblichen inneren und äußeren Faktoren und Bedingungen sowie Verfahren zu ihrer Veränderung zu beschreiben und zu erklären. Personen, deren Berufsbild durch die Anwendung psychologischen Wissens charakterisiert ist und deren Bezeichnung in Deutschland ein Hochschulstudium im Hauptfach Psychologie voraussetzt, sind Psychologen.'


The following are my three attempts at translating it. I definitely had to trim a little for the first one:
A: 'Psychology, also historically called Seelenkunde in German, is a empirical science, whose focus is on human experience ('Erleben') and behavior ('Verhalten'), whose development in the course of life is to describe and to explain internal and external factors as well as conditions and procedure. Individuals, whose job is characterized through the use of psychological knowledge, and whose name requires a psychology major in a university in Germany, are psychologists.'

B: 'Psychology, also historically called Seelenkunde in German, is a empirical science, whose focus is on human experience ('Erleben') and behavior ('Verhalten'), whose development throughout life, as well as internal and external factors and conditions and procedure are described and explained. Individuals, whose job is characterized through the use of psychological knowledge, and whose name requires a psychology major in a university in Germany, are psychologists.'

C: 'Psychology, also historically called Seelenkunde in German, is a empirical science, whose focus is on describing and explaining through conditions and procedure human experience ('Erleben'), behavior ('Verhalten'), and their development throughout life, as well as internal and external factors. Individuals, whose job is characterized through the use of psychological knowledge, and whose name necessitates a psychology major in a university in Germany, are psychologists.'



I also believe C is most accurate, it accurately understands how beschreiben and erklären is used in the original. Either he guessed by focusing on the most natural way to arrange it in English, he understood the German most accurately, or both.

this is where the A and B went wrong and where C went right: '...deren Ziel es ist, menschliches Erleben und Verhalten, deren Entwicklung im Laufe des Lebens sowie alle dafür maßgeblichen inneren und äußeren Faktoren und Bedingungen sowie Verfahren zu ihrer Veränderung zu beschreiben und zu erklären.'



To expand on why A and B were wrong, A used the phrasing 'whose focus is on human experience ('Erleben') and behavior ('Verhalten'), whose development in the course of life is to describe and to explain internal and external factors as well as conditions and procedure,' which does not make sense given the context. 

'Whose' might be the most accurate translation for deren; however, in English, it does not carry over the same and forcing German into English only results in awkward phrasing. 

In addition, A describes the relationship of psychology with 'development' as in the focus on which [psychology] is on human experience and behavior, the development of which in the course on life is to describe and explain internal and external factors as well as conditions and procedure.' This sounds like the development of human experience and behavior is meant to describe and explain internal and external factors as well as conditions and procedure. That relationship is very strange. Is it not about psychology? How did this development end up describing and explaining them? So the focus of psychology is on human experience and behavior, but it is the development of human experience and behavior that describes and explains the factors as well as the conditions and procedure. This relationships is illogical when viewed from the lens of psychology as a main topic. The development of human experience and behavior can describe and explain the factors in the sense that it is through understanding them that we gain insights into the factors. However, the phrasing is all wrong, and it can be easily misunderstood. The fact that it also describes and explains conditions and procedures only add to this misunderstanding. But it really is the fact that psychology is the first thing mentioned as the main topic is what really settles the illogical progression.

As for B, it used the phrasing 'whose development throughout life, as well as internal and external factors and conditions and procedure are described and explained.' Now this uses the same mistake, which focuses on "whose" as a translation of "deren." Moreover, it also links "development" to "human experience and behavior" just like A. It may have fixed it by making it so that development, factors, and conditions and procedure "are described and explained"; however even if it could be interpreted as psychology describing and explaining them, it does not makes sense that procedure is included as well. 

"Conditions" and "procedure" may not be the best words here; in the English context, "conditions" could be included with factors. 

However, C is also imperfect because 'Verfahren" can mean "processes" too, so I propose a fourth attempt, Attempt D. 

D: 'Psychology, also historically called 'Seelenkunde' in German, is a empirical science, whose focus is on describing and explaining human experience ('Erleben'), behavior ('Verhalten'), their development throughout life, internal and external factors, conditions, and processes, in favor of their modification. Individuals, whose job is characterized through the use of psychological knowledge, and whose name necessitates a psychology major in a university in Germany, are psychologists.'

Later, after experimenting and researching for some time, I have created possibly the most accurate one. The fifth attempt could be:

E: 'Psychology, also historically called 'Seelenkunde' in German, is an empirical science, the focus of which is on describing and explaining human experience ('Erleben'), behavior ('Verhalten'), and the development of which describes and explains internal and external factors and conditions throughout life, through (by the application of) methods (methodologies) for their change (improvement). Individuals, whose job is characterized by the use of psychological knowledge, and whose formal title necessitates a psychology major in a university in Germany, are psychologists.'

Fifth one balances both utmost accuracy and clarity with parentheses.



June 10, 02:51:06 – June 10, 03:03:07
Analyzing the Psychology Definition Translation: Style and Precision


I notice that the translation chose to keep the use of 'deren' ('whose') as an essential stylistic structural component from the original text.

I notice that the translation improves the original text by offering more precise terms in parentheses. 'Veränderung' means 'change,' but the translation also offers 'improvement' as a more accurate term in parentheses. 'Verfahren' means 'methods' or 'procedures,' but the translation also offers 'methodologies,' which fits more within the scientific, academic context, as a more precise term in parentheses.

The translator implies that the original text is not the most precise overview of psychology and subsequently offers both accurate translation and more precise alternatives to the actual terms used in the original text.

Plus, the translator chose to add 'Erleben' and 'Verhalten' in parentheses to suggest that the original German terms are more nuanced than the translations 'experience' and 'behavior' merely.


The German text actually comes from the German Wikipedia, and the language is very much different compared to the one in the English Wikipedia.

The above translation is not from the English Wikipedia, but the English Wikipedia very much simplifies the language used with regard to psychology while also being significantly more comprehensive in the overview:

'Psychology is the study of mind and behavior. Its subject matter includes the behavior of humans and nonhumans, both conscious and unconscious phenomena, and mental processes such as thoughts, feelings, and motives. Psychology is an academic discipline of immense scope, crossing the boundaries between the natural and social sciences. Biological psychologists seek an understanding of the emergent properties of brains, linking the discipline to neuroscience. As social scientists, psychologists aim to understand the behavior of individuals and groups.

A professional practitioner or researcher involved in the discipline is called a psychologist. Some psychologists can also be classified as behavioral or cognitive scientists. Some psychologists attempt to understand the role of mental functions in individual and social behavior. Others explore the physiological and neurobiological processes that underlie cognitive functions and behaviors.

Psychologists are involved in research on perception, cognition, attention, emotion, intelligence, subjective experiences, motivation, brain functioning, and personality. Psychologists' interests extend to interpersonal relationships, psychological resilience, family resilience, and other areas within social psychology. They also consider the unconscious mind. Research psychologists employ empirical methods to infer causal and correlational relationships between psychosocial variables. Some, but not all, clinical and counseling psychologists rely on symbolic interpretation.

While psychological knowledge is often applied to the assessment and treatment of mental health problems, it is also directed towards understanding and solving problems in several spheres of human activity. By many accounts, psychology ultimately aims to benefit society. Many psychologists are involved in some kind of therapeutic role, practicing psychotherapy in clinical, counseling, or school settings. Other psychologists conduct scientific research on a wide range of topics related to mental processes and behavior. Typically the latter group of psychologists work in academic settings (e.g., universities, medical schools, or hospitals). Another group of psychologists is employed in industrial and organizational settings. Yet others are involved in work on human development, aging, sports, health, forensic science, education, and the media.'



June 10, 03:30:53 – June 10, 03:58:18
German Translation Exercise: History of Clinical Psychology


compare translation:
' Der Begriff der Klinischen Psychologie hat im Laufe der Zeit unterschiedliche Akzentuierungen erfahren.'

'The concept of clinical psychology has undergone different accentuations in the course of time (throughout time).'



'Die Anfänge der wissenschaftlichen Klinischen Psychologie datieren aus dem Ende des 19. Jahrhunderts.'

'The origin of scientific clinical psychology dates back to the end of the 19th century.'



'Der Amerikaner Ligthner Witmer (1867–1956), der bei Wundt in Leipzig studierte, prägte den Begriff der Klinischen Psychologie durch die erste Psychologische Klinik und die erste klinisch-psychologische Fachzeitschrift «The Psychological Clinic» (zur Geschichte der Klinischen Psychologie s. Abschnitt 2).'

'American Ligthner Witmer (1868-1956), who studied with Wundt in Leipzig, coined the term 'Clinical Psychology' through the first psychological clinic and the first clinical-psychological journal "The Psychological Clinic" (for the history of Clinical Psychology see Section 2).'

'Seit 1917 ist die Klinische Psychologie als Organisation von ForscherInnen und PraktikerInnen durch die American Association of Clinical Psychologists repräsentiert (nachher in der American Psychological Association APA integriert).'

'Since 1917, clinical psychology is represented as an organization of researchers and practitioners through the American Association of Clinical Psychologists (later integrated into the American Psychological Association [APA]).'

However, a more natural phrasing, while maintaining the original structure, could be:
'Since 1917, Clinical psychology has been represented as an organization of researchers and practitioners through the American Association of Clinical Psychologists. (later integrated into the American Psychological Association [APA]).'

The original German text already sounds strange on its own, but this is my attempt at a faithful translation.


compare translation:

'Im deutschsprachigen Raum gibt es zwar seit Beginn des 20.  Jahrhunderts in der Psychologie eine Vielzahl an wissenschaftlichen und praktischen Aktivitäten, die dem Felde der Klinischen Psychologie zuzuordnen sind; den Begriff selbst finden wir aber erst in der Mitte des 20. Jahrhunderts.'

"In German (language), there was space indeed since the beginning of the 20th century, in Psychology a variety at scientific and practical activities, the field of clinical psychology are assigned"


June 10, 03:53:59
Translation Refinement: Clinical Psychology Sentence


The transliteral would be 'Since 1917, is clinical psychology as an organization of researchers and practitioners through the American Association of Clinical Psychologists represented (later integrated into the American Psychological Association APA).'

So a more accurate translation would be 'Since 1917, clinical psychology is represented as an organization of researchers and practitioners through the American Association of Clinical Psychologists (later integrated into the American Psychological Association [APA]).



June 10, 06:10:27 – June 10, 06:47:36
Collation of German Language Practice Examples


"Ich machte es mit der Absicht der Durchführung. Tatsächlich genau gefolgt ich es nach meinen Absichten."

'Aber was sie übersehen war meine Waffe.' 

Jedoch sie noch überholen

'Jedoch sie noch überholen mich.'

'Jedoch überholen sie mich noch.'

am letzten Tag ging es nochmal ab auf die Insel der Wind hat uns ordentlich durchgepustet

On the last day, it again from the island of wind has us properly blown through



Ich habe die folgenden Sätze selbst geschrieben:

'Ich machte es mit der Absicht der Durchführung. Tatsächlich genau gefolgt ich es nach meinen Absichten.

Jedoch überholen sie mich noch.

Aber was sie übersehen war meine Waffe.'


Die folgenden deutschen Sätze waren aus ein Lehrbuch, aber die englisches Sätze wurden von mir geschrieben, die als Übersetzungen dienen:

' Der Begriff der Klinischen Psychologie hat im Laufe der Zeit unterschiedliche Akzentuierungen erfahren.'

'The concept of clinical psychology has undergone different accentuations in the course of time (throughout time).'

'Die Anfänge der wissenschaftlichen Klinischen Psychologie datieren aus dem Ende des 19. Jahrhunderts.'

'The origin of scientific clinical psychology dates back to the end of the 19th century.'

'Der Amerikaner Ligthner Witmer (1867–1956), der bei Wundt in Leipzig studierte, prägte den Begriff der Klinischen Psychologie durch die erste Psychologische Klinik und die erste klinisch-psychologische Fachzeitschrift «The Psychological Clinic» (zur Geschichte der Klinischen Psychologie s. Abschnitt 2).'

'American Ligthner Witmer (1868-1956), who studied with Wundt in Leipzig, coined the term 'Clinical Psychology' through the first psychological clinic and the first clinical-psychological journal "The Psychological Clinic" (for the history of Clinical Psychology see Section 2).'

'Seit 1917 ist die Klinische Psychologie als Organisation von ForscherInnen und PraktikerInnen durch die American Association of Clinical Psychologists repräsentiert (nachher in der American Psychological Association APA integriert).'

'Since 1917, clinical psychology is represented as an organization of researchers and practitioners through the American Association of Clinical Psychologists (later integrated into the American Psychological Association [APA]).'

However, a more natural phrasing, while maintaining the original structure, could be:
'Since 1917, Clinical psychology has been represented as an organization of researchers and practitioners through the American Association of Clinical Psychologists. (later integrated into the American Psychological Association [APA]).'

The deutsche Urtext schon klingt seltsam für sich genommen, aber das ist mein Versuch zu eine originalgetreue Übersetzung.



Urtext aus deutsche Wikipedia: 'Die Psychologie, deutsch historisch auch Seelenkunde[1][2] genannt, ist eine empirische Wissenschaft, deren Ziel es ist, menschliches Erleben und Verhalten, deren Entwicklung im Laufe des Lebens sowie alle dafür maßgeblichen inneren und äußeren Faktoren und Bedingungen sowie Verfahren zu ihrer Veränderung zu beschreiben und zu erklären. Personen, deren Berufsbild durch die Anwendung psychologischen Wissens charakterisiert ist und deren Bezeichnung in Deutschland ein Hochschulstudium im Hauptfach Psychologie voraussetzt, sind Psychologen.'

Mein Versuch: 'Psychology, also historically called 'Seelenkunde' in German, is an empirical science, the focus of which is on describing and explaining human experience ('Erleben'), behavior ('Verhalten'), and the development of which describes and explains internal and external factors and conditions throughout life, through (by the application of) methods (methodologies) for their change (improvement). Individuals, whose job is characterized by the use of psychological knowledge, and whose formal title necessitates a psychology major in a university in Germany, are psychologists.'


Ich habe das selbst geschrieben:  'Die Psychologie ist ein Fach in die akademische Welt. Des Weiteren verlassen sich ihre Denker auf Ideen. Im Übrigen denken sie durch ihre Kombination von einer Vielzahl von Theorien, Rahmenwerke und Konzeptualisierungen, die im Diskurs umlaufend sind, wobei ihre Köpfe stimuliert werden.'



June 10, 06:56:37 – June 10, 06:58:36
Meta-Observation: Using German for Note Organization


The deutsche Urtext schon klingt seltsam für sich genommen, aber das ist mein Versuch zu eine originalgetreue Übersetzung.



Ich habe die folgenden Sätze selbst geschrieben:

Die folgenden deutschen Sätze waren aus ein Lehrbuch, aber die englisches Sätze wurden von mir geschrieben, die als Übersetzungen dienen:

Urtext aus deutsche Wikipedia:

Mein Versuch:

Ich habe das selbst geschrieben:


I find interesting that they're using German to organize the actual notes

But using the language that they're learning to organize basic organizational text such as 'Ich habe die folgenden Sätze selbst geschrieben...' is probably a good way to introduce functional text more and more into one's routine. These are actual sentences that anyone might use in day-to-day journaling, so his inclusion of them serves as a way to bring German into the pie containing percentages of the rate at which he uses different languages, with English being his native and likely at the 99.99%.


[REDACTED]


June 10, 19:20:59
List of Desired Textbook Topics: Digestion, Fermentation, Nutrition


any academic textbooks on the science behind fermented foods, probiotics, sourdough bread, yogurt, kefir, kimchi, sauerkraut, miso, gut microbiome, their benefits, fiber, how fiber affects stool, how stool goes through the body and is created and formed until it is discharged, phytic acid, gluten, bioavailability of minerals, satiety, nutrient absorption, macronutrients and micronutrients (in humans and animals like red colobus monkeys), nutritional strategies (zoology), digestive tract


- Academic textbooks on:
    - The science behind fermented foods
    - Probiotics
    - Sourdough bread
    - Yogurt
    - Kefir
    - Kimchi
    - Sauerkraut
    - Miso
    - Gut microbiome
    - Their benefits
- Fiber:
    - How fiber affects stool
    - How stool goes through the body
    - How stool is created and formed until it is discharged
- Phytic acid
- Gluten
- Bioavailability of minerals
- Satiety
- Nutrient absorption
- Macronutrients and micronutrients (in humans and animals like red colobus monkeys)
- Nutritional strategies (zoology)
- Digestive tract



June 10, 20:56:58
Language Learning Synergy: German Assisting with Dutch Acquisition


Okay, after spending time learning German a bit, my ability to pick apart words has improved.

In Dutch, the national anthem excerpt "In Godes vrees te leven, heb ik altijd betracht," is likely

In = in
Godes = God
vrees = fear
te = to
leven = live
heb = have
ik = I
altijd = always
betracht = attempted

it looks like learning Dutch will be much easier once I've learned German. I'm getting used to their different sentence structures, and I can easily tell based on the words what their English counterparts are as long as I have the English translation ready. Being able to pick apart the words one by one and know which English words they match when I have an English translation counterpart of the niederländische Urtext (original Dutch text) in hand makes language learning much easier, and I'm happy that learning some beginner German has gained me this skill.




June 10, 21:00:27
Query on Dutch Sentence Structure and Inversion



did "heb" come first because of inversion:
"In Godes vrees te leven, heb ik altijd betracht,"

So in Dutch, it's standard for that word order? It's not like it only happens when doing something similar to using the German "Des Weiteren" which causes inversion in the sentence structure?

So it's not like German. It's more so a matter of style and choice in Dutch.

So I can easily just do this:
"In Godes vrees te leven, ik heb altijd betracht..."

What's the difference then? 

heb first means action emphasis, ik first means person emphasis

Well, I'm a very flexible multi-language reader, so for me, I can read Dutch likely whether or not heb or ik goes first because of German. German has put me through the trials of stricter sentence structures, which are much distinct from English, so I'm much more ready and proficient in reading Dutch.



June 10, 22:04:26  –

June 10, 22:06:43
Ease of Academic Terms in Germanic Languages and Multilingual Path


I notice that Germanic languages like Dutch and German are very easy to read if we're referring to academic terms. The academic terms, especially in newer sciences like Psychologie, are more easier to infer or determine based on spelling and pronunciation.

In the case of Wesselcharft and wetenschap, German and Dutch are much more similar in that regard, making it so that knowing English and German makes it easier to learn Dutch, with the unique sentence structures of German and the numerous cognates and terms which were borrowed from English. Dutch then becomes a natural step.

yeah, so if I ever want to be multilingualist in four languages (German, Dutch, English, and Filipino), it will be very easy given I know Filipino and English already as someone born in the Philippines, and I'm already learning German, which will lead to streamlined learning for Dutch.



June 10, 22:24:01 – June 10, 22:50:05
Dutch Translation Exercise: Defining Psychology in English and German


let me attempt to translate this:
'Psychologie is de academische discipline die zich bezighoudt met het innerlijk leven (kennen, voelen en streven) en het gedrag van mensen. Zij doet dit over het algemeen door het volgen van de wetenschappelijke methode, maar in sommige gevallen doet zij beroep op symbolische interpretatie en kritische analyse, naar het voorbeeld van andere sociale wetenschappen.'

into English and German:

'Psychology is the academic discipline which deals with the inner life (know, feel, and endeavor) and the behavior of people. It generally does this by following the scientific method, but in some cases it invokes symbolic interpretation and critical analysis, following the example of other social sciences.' 

'Psychologie ist die akademische Disziplin die sich mit das Innenleben befasst (kennen, fühlen und bestreben) und das Verhalten von Menschen. Es tut dies allgemein nach der wissenschaftlich Methode, aber in einigen Fällen macht es Gebrauch von symbolische Interpretation und kritische Analyse, dem Beispiel anderer Sozialwissenschaften folgend.'


Corrections:

let me attempt to translate this:
'Psychologie is de academische discipline die zich bezighoudt met het innerlijk leven (kennen, voelen en streven) en het gedrag van mensen. Zij doet dit over het algemeen door het volgen van de wetenschappelijke methode, maar in sommige gevallen doet zij beroep op symbolische interpretatie en kritische analyse, naar het voorbeeld van andere sociale wetenschappen.'

into English and German:

'Psychology is the academic discipline that deals with the inner life (knowledge, feeling, and striving) and the behavior of people. It generally does this by following the scientific method, but in some cases, it invokes symbolic interpretation and critical analysis, following the example of other social sciences.' 

'Psychologie ist die akademische Disziplin, die sich mit dem Innenleben befasst (kennen, fühlen und streben) und dem Verhalten von Menschen. Sie tut dies allgemein nach der wissenschaftlichen Methode, aber in einigen Fällen macht sie Gebrauch von symbolische Interpretation und kritische Analyse, dem Beispiel anderer Sozialwissenschaften folgend.'





compare translations:
"niederländische Urtext: 'Psychologie is de academische discipline die zich bezighoudt met het innerlijk leven (kennen, voelen en streven) en het gedrag van mensen. Zij doet dit over het algemeen door het volgen van de wetenschappelijke methode, maar in sommige gevallen doet zij beroep op symbolische interpretatie en kritische analyse, naar het voorbeeld van andere sociale wetenschappen.'

into English and German:

'Psychology is the academic discipline that deals with the inner life (knowledge, feeling, and striving) and the behavior of people. It generally does this by following the scientific method, but in some cases, it invokes symbolic interpretation and critical analysis, following the example of other social sciences.' 

'Psychologie ist die akademische Disziplin, die sich mit dem Innenleben befasst (kennen, fühlen und streben) und dem Verhalten von Menschen. Sie tut dies allgemein nach der wissenschaftlichen Methode, aber in einigen Fällen macht sie Gebrauch von symbolische Interpretation und kritische Analyse, dem Beispiel anderer Sozialwissenschaften folgend.'"



June 10, 22:50:01
Meta-Observation: Organizational Text in German and English


I notice that the author uses German and English outside of the inner text with "niederländische Urtext" and "into English and German:"



June 10, 22:51:15
Further Comment: Active Use of German and English Demonstrated


But it's interesting on the author's part, as it shows that he actively uses German and English outside translations, which matches the fact that he's translating Dutch to German and English.


June 11, 01:47:00 – June 11, 03:23:06
Intricate Reflection: Self, Construction, Clarity, and the Limits of Language


I have been revoked, and my soul has invoked a sense of contemplation. What is it that I am now here for? I feel that I've entered into myself, and what of it? What of this terrible reality in which I am not beset (by forces beyond my control)? I do not know. I have already lived through many realities and experiences, and I cannot deny this intense feeling of wanting to be a part of this world, but after spending my time away in distraction with social media and other forms of alternative, sporadic, fast-paced, short-duration immersion period-instances, I remember everything again, as if I've been ignoring what was been right there the whole time. My whole life has been there the whole time, and my continued attempts both to remember it thoroughly through reflections and through connecting with the world in novel ways and to distract myself in order to preserve novelty as a maintained aspect of my agenda-integrity-self, that I may maintain my sanity in the process, or diminish deleterious psychogenic affects upon my psyche. I do not have anything to express, because there is too much to unpack. Continuing, even now, I remain in this state of 'continuedness'; unable to be thoroughly integrated with the past-present-future framework which comprehensively encompasses my entire existence as much as possible through multi-modal sensations, but resting primarily upon the essence of written reflection, as it is improved upon step-by-step to be more concise, structured, precise, comprehensive, and nuanced (that it may fully embrace the epitome of myself [if that is even possible within such a limited framework]); unable to be thoroughly integrated with the sensations of the moment that I may savor the being of existence without any attachments to my heart or to that 'soul' (the creation of selves not merely through sensations but through a multi-faceted convergence of different 'sub-selves' such as through the instance of sensations like touch, the instance of memory, the instance of emotional feelings, and the instance of abstract dream-like thoughts floating without conscious representation and without logical coherence); unable to encompass fully even the two aforementioned interpretative frameworks signaled by the inaugural word "unable"; unable to create new life that I may preserve outside of a bubble composed of its own internal framework wherein that instance-of-creation resides and is thereby restricted; unable to become myself in the midst of all this selfhood because all that has come has truly been so defined that simple things like ideas and words do not fully encompass my being in all the actions I have committed and in all the selves which has become constructed overtime, which I call the 'einzelperson'; and unable to represent even fully the distinctions within my flesh that I may consider reality-nuggets rather than mere abstract components of a schematic, map, or representational set of values, properties, or parameters. And even in all of this, I am merely a man.

Even this paragraph is constructed such that it is coherent enough to be linguistically structured; however, the nuances and meanings are (merely) contained within, and without coherence, it is meaningless. As a consequence (of such), it is no longer myself who is contained within it, but only the representation of who I was at a particular point of time. But even these words I am writing are not, not even my hands writing this, not even the words (ideations) that spring up within my imagination, not even the colors or the trees or the beautiful things. It is all become a lost tirade (though I mean to say 'charade', but 'tirade' provides a certain linguistic feel even if its meaning might not have been what I originally intended). I do not want this discussion, analysis, or severely impeded (limited) framework to ensnare me any longer, that I might devolve into metaphors or questioning that amounts only to teenage existential thoughts. (I do not cast criticism or doubt upon the validity of a teenager in his inquiry, but I do show that even when I was a teenager, I internalized the idea that all of this was just a trivial exercise or massage, a self-soothing nothing-thing.)

But then it becomes performative, does it not? When I have trained my hands that it may wrought good works or express good things (in virtue of these carefully described words right now, which have built up overtime in hopes of describing the sensations which I experience upon this world and which I cannot so easily experience without accompanying prescription through a framework, because I am lost, and without written representation by my own attempts, I am then become cast out in my own sensations, only further exacerbated in self-distraction and lack of einzelperson-coherence. I have become a wasted piece of art at the side of the mall, only a fragment of what was meaningful. And even if that "meaningful" thing is merely a representation. When representations have lost their power by layering, then maybe it (I) will be free. I cannot be so happenstance (a constructed adjective to mean also, 'normalized so as to be further reduced to nothingness and my removal secured') that everything can be so easily arranged. I have both structure and representation, that which kills me to create me (by virtue of creating structure and rhythm in an otherwise, non–self-describing life, which follows the removal of the original self), and that which governs me by acting as a guide, not merely through structure and rhythm, but by own represented self, I (the original self) am combined so as to be consolidated and possibly removed from reality. (My original self is gone, and my represented self which is created from a convergence of constructed structure and rhythm supersedes that self.)

What then is performance but the structuring (and commodification) of the inner psyche? When one person becomes so joined up so as to appear coherent in the eyes of others by representation (without which he would be aimless), then what has he become a conjoined unit, a manifestation upon manifestations, that all communication proves futile in conveying the complexities of a human mind and becomes further sensible (and common sense) at the cost of losing einzelperson-self. (I use 'einzelperson-self' to emphasize the need to contain the [original] identity so as to maintain distractions at a separated scope, that the scope of mine-self [also 'meinselbst'] becomes ever my own, and that no one is to take it apart from myself.) It is here then that I am loosened, like gloves at a boxing max, because my existence has been torn apart in hopes of constructing a coherent identity through the growth of the coherence of my language since the beginning of the first paragraph above within this entire passage. It is here that it is all lost, because I have gained clarity through speaking, but I have lost the 'I' and become the 'me' that acts and achieves things, but in this sense, I am the object (the object of the subject's verbal action), because I am no longer I, which was the subject who carries out actions. I have become further gone and torn to the shreds; there I am further disjointed, not because my representation has been lost or due to the combining forces ceasing to gain further clarity, but because I have gained fullness of life; here is 'me.'

There is no sense when clarity hits, because at that moment, all definitions collapse. What was once punk has now become conformist or separated into a distinct identity within a (capitalist) system; thus commodification achieves it goal. In this sense, when avant-garde becomes a tool of systematic sameness across a whole board of the populace, that no one that was ever major becomes such that it can be separated from the minor, and that all peoples and ideas and things are consolidated in the large mass of society. This is here when I am truly relieved, not only of my self (original self), but also of my duty to keep that self intact, because what then is necessary but clarity and ever-green (ever-growing) functioning (effectiveness)? That all of this will be combined is a joy, is it not? Because what then are we but massless object-pits (amorphous creature like an undefinable slime)? It is here that I am clarified, and my existence justified. In this clarity, the 'I' am lost, and the 'me' is gained. But then is this very paragraph not a repetition (instance of redundancy)? What can be said if all constructed things fail? Are these words of meaning at all? But in this small statement, can you see 'I'?

Overall, there is a tension between sensibleness (through writing a clear, comprehensive, detailed, wide-encompassing 10,000,000-word document of myself) and authenticity (which is bad because in that state, I can also be mindless otherwise if not for construction [written reflection]).

In other words, the ability to express oneself clearly comes with costs, even if it might benefit my life. There is a tension in marrying clarity (through constructions) and authenticity (the being the subject rather than the object which the subject acts upon).

When one is made clear, what is lost. That is what I've learned. When I exposed my work to the world, it changed things, like how I perceived my work. Even now, being in the same room as someone else changes how I behave. My behavior has shifted to accommodate this new social interaction, and not necessarily in a negative or discomforting way. But it is disorienting to analyze the distinction between aloneness and 'with-othersness.' Furthermore, when I exposed myself to self-understanding, something was lost in the process, the desire to maintain a life distinct from all those frameworks, viewpoints, and understandings over which I  now claim a bird's-eye view with regard to managing them and putting them together in construction. When clarity is gained by exposing my life to the Internet, to even more books very much different from what I read when I was growing up, and to very different ways of being by the application, internalization, and socialization of things are known, now through the vast Internet. However, even within my small life before my greater exposures to even greater instances of vastness, I saw the world (everything by which everything was) as gigantic beyond my means, that I fell to curiousness and entertained the new sights, even if it was not always comfortable. I was adventurous, simple, and accommodatingly social. There is nothing that I am now of my past self, but only which I choose to entertain through written reflection and nostalgic engagement with resources or representations of the past. It is now here that my mind is at ease, not because I have guaranteed a sense of self necessarily, but specifically because all of these have been released. I hope to remove them immediately, or as soon as possible. (I know it will take time, but I emphasize the strangeness of time and how the today requests that my existence maintains agility until the next day, as in sleep, we are removed by rearrangement and reorganization.)

I think tension remains anyway. I think it will never leave me, or maybe it's physical things like the room I am in that determine my reality. I mean, if moving out of this house involves exposure to vastly different kinds of socializations, designs, fabrics (aspects or parts) of the world, internalizations (in the sense that such exposure leads to a confluence of all-things integrated with the self), and 'selfhoodness' (by exposure via a medium definitely different).

There is a desire to explain everything. There is an 'irrational-desire' to leave everything behind. There is a hope that all things lost becomes changed anew. There is a desire for things that are, but no such desire remains after all, for it is changed everyday with the new man, who coexists with all things but sheds only himself, that if the next person decides to cut it (commit some form of self-destruction to the point of self-removal or suicide), then it is a permanent solution. But this remains even so if that self-removal event never was the case.

I cannot so fully describe it. But admitting that only leads me to enlightenment (a sense of clarity not easily describable but one detectable anecdotally by sensations, feelings, and with the dream-like combinations of illogical ideas and imaginations within the mind): with the softening and compacting of the 'stool,' which represents my 'ideas-mankind' which has all been lost to time.

But with nuance comes the challenge to interpret precisely; or with more precision requires more proficiency in interpretating such challenging sentence structures, vocabulary, and words. With simplicity (a facet-component of conciseness) then comes death.

For context, I choose the word 'facet-component' to mean 'essential-component' but in a way only the word 'facet' as it has been used in my life and in books describes, because it is a side, and as a result of its representations through pointing out and objects, paintings, and other forms of written and spoken communication, one of a ever-burgeoning world. So the corresponding inclusion 'component' only retains its [the term] essentialness in being a facet-component of conciseness.

I think there is nothing to be said then. It is with ease that my tension breaks down, and that is ease gained through 'disclarity,' the antithesis of clarity, that of disorder and meaninglessness or murkiness of spirit and meaning and ideas, that which is lost' but in the process, heartfulness is gained, whether it appears in a slice more predominantly negative or in a slice more predominantly positive. It shifts, and it can be both predominantly so. But in that shifting of the word 'heartfulness' as it appears in me then in 'disclarity,' can I be said to have found it? This is a question that cannot be answered, and if answered, is not then the question which it was. Because such a question is inherently unanswerable, as answering it compromises what it is in essence, invalidating the question as that specified question.

Can I separate my constructions (memories, ideas, language, words, people as they are constructed in my mind, constructed interpretations of feelings and sensations, and any thing that seeks to elucidate, or by virtue of its intention to destroy, provides contradistinction, which is clarity and clearness, which is elucidation) from my self?

Will the interpretations of an AI language model be able to be separated from my self? Will I be able to separate from myself the books I read and the realizations I have now as an adult and everything that makes up who I am as this present person through friendships, memories of the past, sensations, feelings, and experiences as they are in the future, then in the present, and then finally in the past?

If these questions are answered, I lost myself I think.

With regard to mindfulness, it is a virtually similar concept to what I meant, but it is not helpful for me here, because it provides stress relief. However, my examinations regard those which mindfulness as a stress reliever or a "mind-emptier" do not. To be figurative, it is like comparing apples and oranges. Mindfulness is great and all, but it is like talking about food in this discussion. I mean, sure, I can go eat right now, but that's not the point of this discussion. I am not suffering from a lack of stress relief, mindfulness, food, or anything of that sort. In conclusion, this discussion does not concern just food eaten for filling biological needs.

When it comes to connection, even people are constructions from my own mind. My own attempts at communicating with them are interpreted by independent constructors (by their individual minds). 

To simplify what I already discussed, clarity helps with my thoughts and feelings, but it also contributes to the aforementioned tension.

Shifting to reading and writing, they are probably the worst tools I've gotten involved with recently. Studying academic texts of all kinds has been the cause of my current inquiry. I think that's a good thing, but in the process, I feel that with such knowledge, there is much ability, but also a removal of what has remained essentially human of me. There is no such thing of course objectively, but I am describing a unique sensation of myself. That that which has been untouched for ages possibly through my lack of exposure to a broader idea-sphere gives me a sense that with all these things that I am helpfully, effectively, and proficiently am, there is a lost of sensation, as if with such a great convergence of knowledge and experience, I am now lost in time, place, and existence idea), or time-place-idea?

As I mentioned, it cannot be simply circumscribed to 'intellectual pursuits' as if it can be separated from 'human experiences,' 'creative or physical endeavors,' 'spending time in nature,' or 'participating in social interactions that remind [me] of the richness of human connection.' All of these good aforementioned beneficial things have led to a great convergence of knowledge and experience, so I myself am now a connoisseur (knowledgeable by framework and mind) of experiences as well as they are conjoined (made clear, intact, compart, defined, or definite) within knowledge and manifested through reality, or real-things. So all the aforementioned suggestions as a solution reflect a mistaken interpretation.  


June 11, 03:03:37 – June 11, 03:12:52
Critiquing AI Responses: Mischaracterizing Philosophical Exploration


All of the aforementioned suggestions reflect a mischaracterization of what I said.

Like I said, the very fact that you're trying to solve what I was saying stems from a mischaracterization.

Like I said, I said all of the aforementioned things, not because I am trying to solve my personal life necessarily. Solutions to my personal life happen independently from the discussion.

It is like saying "You want to eat food" to a person who already takes care of his biological needs and is clearly discussing something that does not relate to mere mindfulness or food. The above discussion within my passage is not a simple "Okay, I suck, tell me to eat food." I do eat food, but eating food and mindfulness will not solve the discussion. The discussion is not a cry for help. 

Your suggestions is like telling Kant to "sleep it off" or "just eat." I already sleep and eat, engage in mindfulness, literary exploration, written reflection, artistic and creative exploration through music and art, and many other forms of expression and engagement.

The discussion does not concern the mere filling of a biological need through basic food.

The more you try to give suggestions on what to do next, the more I see you're missing the point.

However, pointing or matching my discussion and its elements to pre-existing ideas in philosophy, theories, thinkers, and terms such as 'post-structuralist' and 'phenomenological' is helpful. 



June 11, 03:34:52
Acceptance: The Cyclical Nature of Meaning and Emotion


then what was it all for? Can I ask that question?

I guess... that's the point. There's no need to answer. I will explain it, describe it, and answer it excitedly and comprehensively again and again in many succeeding periods of my life, as I have done before. It never ends, and I always change (that answer).

I think all of these things are meaningless in that I will create meaning again and be happy again. I am never too remote from happiness or joy or a sensation that all things have been so since the beginning, that I may relax within this beauty-cycle. I do not what comes after this, but I am excitedly going anyway. But in this state of reflection, who am I?

I am all of these things, yet I am none of these that I had been.

It is all going to collapse, fall, and rise up again. It never ends; it never ceases. I remain a person, and even language is mocked because it cannot describe this sensation that all things are, have been, and will continue to be—the very change of life itself becomes mocked because it is very much the norm.

I sit down, and what next? I become happy, find meaning, and create life in the moment, this period of my life. That's it. That's all it is. I do it again and again, and each time is a new thing.

I am not overwhelmed and tired that I will not rise again. I am ever-remaining, and ever-within-this-cycle, where happiness rises and falls and sadness falls and rise. I hate, and I am loved. I love, and I and hated.

All of these things bear no meaning in the end, only as much as I give them at this moment.

At this moment, I knew I fucked up. (Not because I did anything wrong, but because I did everything right and made lots of mistakes, which is not inhuman [bad] at all.)



June 11, 03:53:47
Metaphor: Waking Up as a New Self Each Day


I feel that I will die... The next day, I'll wake up, and it'll be my body—wait a minute, I'm still alive! What the hell! I thought I was dead! I was just sleeping! It looks like my very identity has shifted from the past day into the present day (a novelty which now is entertained by this new self of mine and which can no longer be married into the previous reality signified by the past self)! It is here that I am now a self which maintains coherence through days and even through sleeping, which causes the chasm between the past day and the present day! I am now here, but the past day could be considered now a gone reality, a reality that no longer exists except within my constructed interpretations of it through memory! I am not dead! But in this process of sleeping (moving from one day to the next), I have now irreconcilably detached from who I was (the past day self)!



June 11, 04:31:03
Revisited: The Sense of Loss Accompanying Increased Understanding


The more I understand, the more I lost something in the process. It's almost as if the very ignorance that plagued me was an essential clause.

It's not necessarily that everything sucks. It's not that simple. It's like I cannot even play video games anymore or lie down on the bed the same way. There's this irreversible irreconcilable change that occurred. 

What has happened to me? What have I done? Through knowledge and experience I feel I have lost something in the process. When outside the flow, I am able to think, and I realize well that I have eradicated something by becoming. By becoming (internalizing) new experiences, new expansions of knowledge, new selves, and other novelties, I have lost something in the process.



June 11, 04:38:09 – June 11, 04:47:31
Expanding on Loss Through Knowing: Examples and Acceptance


The more I understand, the more I lost something in the process. It's almost as if the very ignorance that plagued me was an essential clause.

It's not necessarily that everything sucks. It's not that simple. It's like I cannot even play video games anymore or lie down on the bed the same way. There's this irreversible irreconcilable change that occurred. 

What has happened to me? What have I done? Through knowledge and experience I feel I have lost something in the process. When outside the flow, I am able to think, and I realize well that I have eradicated something by becoming. By becoming (internalizing) new experiences, new expansions of knowledge, new selves, and other novelties, I have lost something in the process.

I don't know... I am scared of Wikipedia. I am scared of those encyclopedias. I am scared of reading them. I fear that upon reading them, I will have lost them. I want them to remain unknown to me.

There is something lost upon knowing.

I've always liked the idea that I am not what I am, that I don't know anything. There's this excitement I think. Reading all those fantasy fiction novels... After a while, I just stopped. I don't know why. But I know that knowing broke me. Knowing by reading many novels broke me, and at one point, I realized I lost something by knowing. Upon knowing, I lost something. Reading all those stories, playing those games, having those experiences, having those conversations, meeting and befriending those people, and experiencing all kinds of events, places, feelings, sensations, and ideas. At one point... upon knowing, I lost something.

It is not that the world is too vast that it is overwhelming, but that it makes too much sense.

I don't know everything of course, but everything makes too much sense. Upon knowing, I lost something, and I know well that even if I have studied much, I still have much to study. However, I also know the very constant nature of my knowing, which results in my loss of something. I can see myself reading all the books in my room, and I fear it, because it would make too much sense. I fear knowing.

Recently, I started learning German, and I'm reading even more academic works as well. But while I may have experienced excitement and novelty through knowing, I also lost something.

It never ceases.

I can already see that learning German, Dutch, Chinese, and all kinds of academic fields will only exacerbate this feeling of loss, even if they might expose me to all kinds of excitement and novelty.

I am afraid of hope, because it fundamentally changes who I am. It stops me from pondering these realities and transitions me to the same cycle of happiness, joy, excitement, novelty, adventure, and curiosity again. But that's not a bad thing. It's just that I want to ponder these realities.

But yeah, inevitably, I will become okay. The next day, I'll be okay. The day after that, I'll be okay. It never ceases.

I will always find a way to appreciate things and enjoy life.

It's just that even now, the very nature of my knowing in that I lose something in the process is still the case.

I am not so in tension that I am dysfunctional. I am actually high-functional, but I am also in a transitional change. So as a result, I will lean toward much self-reflection and engagement with many new things such as studying academic textbooks, learning new languages, and experiencing new things, among others.

But I do have this fear of hope, and it's not a fear that is constant anyway. Just a feeling that arises every now and then, but it's not severe or mild even. It's more so a fear that stems from knowing well that hope is always followed by intense questioning after disappointment, failure, and struggle. So there is this desire to keep away from hope and focus on intense inquiry and reflection, especially with regard to everything I've ever experienced, thought, felt, and sensed.



June 11, 04:53:47
Reiteration: Rejecting Unsolicited Advice and Affirming Self-Sufficiency

The thing is... I already know what to do. Your suggestions are funny, because the discussion was not a cry for help. It was just a statement on what things are. There is no escape from this reality, and the suggestions just feel like mockery because of how distant they are in terms of stemming from an accurate or precise characterization of my discussion.

Like I said, I already know what to do, and I'm going to be okay, as it has always been. I'm okay now, and I am hopeful. I am optimistic, excited, and all the good things.

The discussion was not from a dark place of depression and suicidal thoughts, so please stop giving me solutions or suggestions because that mischaracterizes the point of the discussion in the first place.


June 11, 05:00:15 – June 11, 05:17:57
Deeper Dive: How "Knowing" Changes Engagement with Past Interests


I guess it's normal... Once I read a many fiction books, at one point, even if I had expected never to stop reading, I did end up stopping. There is this loss that occurs by knowing.

It's not about the fear of change, but it's more so the very idea of knowing being a catalyst for the loss of what has been just a guy reading fiction books and is now knowledge. Knowledge is what remains after all that binge-reading of fantasy fiction books, and it stems from a loss.

It's sad that I can no longer read the books I read previously the same way. I can't even re-read them without detecting quickly that something has changed. I don't 'know' things the same way.

Even new fantasy fiction books give me the same feeling that I cannot even read them anymore. That is why I stopped.

That is what I mean. Upon knowing, I lost something.

But it is a loss, even if it is also a transformation. I am not looking at it as a negative-feeling thing. I am not sad or angry in the sense that I cannot bounce back from it.

It's just reality, and I know that I'm going to be okay as per usual. I always find a way to make sense of things, and I always bounce back.

It's just that I wanted to point out something that happens. Upon knowing, I lost something.

I still remember when I saw many stories like they were the most awesome thing in the world, but it's weird that I no longer see them the same way. I can read them with my new perspective, but it just won't be the same. That is why I don't interest myself in the stories I used to read in the past. In fact, I do not read fiction stories anymore. I read non-fiction academic texts.

At one point, I thought I was reading the world, but it was only one small tiny thing. In the end, I moved on from it like with everything else. I always do, and that can be scary that I can just do that. But it's just reality.

I will keep going until it all ends.

And that sounds motivational. The very idea that I will keep going and that I cannot stop myself from moving forward optimistically, but it can also feel kind of daunting, strange, and alienating.

How many worlds will I traverse through only to find out it was all constructed or that the allure that I had for them is now lost upon knowing?

At one point, I saw my small preschool environment as this giant world. At one point, I saw my small elementary environment as this giant world. At one point, I saw my high school environment as this giant world. It never ends, and all of those feelings of largeness and bigness are now revealed to be nothing in comparison to how much I am now.

Those people I met who used to be gods are now just a bunch of random people.

Imagine at one point, having this feeling of smallness like a kid in a giant ship in a vast ocean and then just all of that fading like it meant nothing. What happened?

Where has it gone? It's a good thing that it left, but damn, why is it that I cared about all of those things in the first place?

I find myself weirded out by the very fact that I cared about all of those things in the first place.

I feel nostalgic through my memories, but I would never do those things today again. I just don't care. I might reflect upon it or go something like go to the place where those memories occurred. But I would never do them as I am now. It is my past self that did them, and it is the circumstances and nature of my past and my past self that made those memories happen. My current self would never have taken the same hundreds of choices my past self had made if I was presented with them today.

My memories are merely a lens of my past self throughout time, but my current self do not care for them much if not for these nostalgic memories.

Old Roblox would look like dog shit if it was not for these nostalgic memories of mine.

That goes for all those stories I read in the past. I am proud and happy to have read them, but now that I am the person I am today, I would never do them again. I think it's because now that I've already experienced them, I no longer care for them. The allure they held as things unknown to me in the past is no longer relevant today.

I've read so many stories that just amounted to my imagination playing tricks on me at this point. My ignorance created a platform for that allure and that desire to read them curiously.

It makes me feel weird, and I don't know... I just feel like... I can just do whatever the hell I want. I am free, and I am not so pressured so as to need the past to validate me necessarily. The past serves as a basis for my actions because of how they are ingrained to me to this day with all the knowledge and experiences. But I feel very free.

I am so free, and I can do whatever I want.

The past is just a weird place, and it's weird to look back.

But when not looking back and living in and enjoying the moment, it's very easy and relaxing.

But yeah, every now and then, looking back helps to address stuff that may have been building up for a while.



June 11, 05:19:11 – June 11, 05:19:43
The Value of Occasionally Letting the Past Weigh In


But there is a part of me that desires to let the past weigh me down just for a moment. I think there is something that makes me feel validated and real about letting the past and the pondering of the limitations of my life weigh me down, even if just for a while for the sake of addressing things and the past.

It makes happiness and living in the moment more meaningful.


June 11, 19:42:35 – June 11, 20:06:45
The "Establishment Phase": Recovering Equilibrium After Disruption


I only realized this now, but I notice that there is what I call an establishment phase, where when a person is shaken or his sense of privacy compromised, then he will enter into a reestablishing phase, like a displaced refugee re-settling again. This takes time, but often it involves hanging around a focal area, place, or location long enough until the establishment has been committed and completed. As for what "hanging around" means, I refer to activities which are conducive mainly to relaxation, a feeling of doing nothing, and just a sense of stillness and mindless occupation within the location. Each time the person is disrupted in this phase, they might be forced to return to productive focus; however, this return is marked by stress, a sense of fluidity due to their lack of sleep, and increased vigilance. Sooner or later, they will attempt again to enter into the establishment phase, and if it is successful, they will have renewed sleep quality, stable emotionality, and consistent productivity levels marked by ever-increasing motivation, commitment, and precision (focus).

In short, when privacy and a sense of safety and stability are compromised, they need to be re-established without disruption during an extended period of 'hanging around.'

This can be compared to the mobbing patterns of birds, wherein bird groups, whether they are conspecific or mixed, are more likely to cooperate in mobbing if they have spent enough time settling in an area, as opposed to "...migratory individuals, who just arrived in an area and therefore not familiar..." (Goodale et al. 2017).


June 11, 21:13:10 – June 11, 21:17:54
Conclusion: Life "Makes Sense" Now Through Broad Exposure


I don't know... When did philosophy make sense? When did things like that make sense? Is there even any point besides extrapolation or the very refining of these concepts as they are extracted into real things?

At this point, I'm starting to think that life is starting to make too much sense. If I have already encountered these ideas before and am well familiar with them, then the only thing left is studying scientific textbooks and exposing myself to evidence-based information regarding all kinds of scientific things, possibly relying on all kinds of viewpoints, such as the naturalist view provided by zoology, which I can then apply to other aspects of life such as psychology.

I guess it's a good thing that in our modern day, things "make sense." We have reached the point where many of the ideas which have arisen from humanity are now exposed to us like packaged food from a delivery order. It is not difficult to know how things are and how they have appeared to be throughout history and even in our very nuanced, interconnected, complex aspects of our contemporary world, as we live in it.

Things make sense, and that is worrisome. But maybe, that's the only that's good about living nowadays.

When things make sense, we can focus on getting things done and navigating our world through actualities and realities rather than repeating the same repetitions again and again. I expose myself to social media in hopes of locating new ideas, but I only find confirmations of realities that I have already experienced.

That's a good thing I guess. The Internet (as a host for frameworks, ideas, experiences,  theories, and representations) serves to validate reality, rather than reality forcibly fitting into it.

To explain, I'm not referring merely to social media in terms of 'echo chambering,' but when one has ample experience and knowledge, I'm saying that representations of reality there only confirm experiences and knowledge in virtue of providing evidence or patterns which validate pre-existing frameworks, ideas, and theories.

Things make sense now. Philosophical ideas make sense.

Life makes sense. Issues make sense. Solutions make sense.

Science, however, is now at the forefront of things, and now we continue to find novel and counterintuitive realities.

Now it is all about evidence and encountering realities. That is the point of what I mean by social media serving to validate reality through streamlined commodified representations through which we can recognize real patterns and evidence.

Okay. Like I said it's not about confirmation bias necessarily. That is not the point I'm making. I'm saying that life now makes much sense. Stop repeatedly trying to impose the very nature of social media by its issues, because that is not the point I'm making. It is a discussion that goes beyond just mere confirmation bias or information consumption.

Let me repeat what I said earlier:
'I guess it's a good thing that in our modern day, things "make sense." We have reached the point where many of the ideas which have arisen from humanity are now exposed to us like packaged food from a delivery order. It is not difficult to know how things are and how they have appeared to be throughout history and even in our very nuanced, interconnected, complex aspects of our contemporary world, as we live in it.

Things make sense, and that is worrisome. But maybe, that's the only that's good about living nowadays.

When things make sense, we can focus on getting things done and navigating our world through actualities and realities rather than repeating the same repetitions again and again. I expose myself to social media in hopes of locating new ideas, but I only find confirmations of realities that I have already experienced.

That's a good thing I guess. The Internet (as a host for frameworks, ideas, experiences,  theories, and representations) serves to validate reality, rather than reality forcibly fitting into it.'

It is not about 'our existing frameworks, theories, and ideas,' but the very frameworks, ideas, and theories circulated throughout history and even in our modern day academically.

Life makes much more sense, as we are exposed to them much more readily, and it is much easier to connect realities into them because we are so exposed. Thus, now is an age of extrapolating what has been merely referred to in theories, frameworks, and ideas.

We are exposed to them, and because of that, life makes sense now.

I have grown up being exposed so much that these very frameworks, theories, and ideas make sense to me as 'children's toys' because the realities of these frameworks, theories, and ideas have already been visually, sensually, and experientially communicated to me throughout my life.

So in short, when I look at these philosophical ideas, they feel like children's toys, which serve as a trivial representation of the realities I have already been well-exposed, -ingrained, and -communicated to throughout life. That is to say that the realities of them are already apparent to me and in grained into my psyche, identity, and existence.

So things make sense.


June 11, 21:29:50 – June 11, 23:05:22
Deep Dive: Knowledge, Clarity, Construction, and the Loss of Reality


It's crazy that we've reached the point that the very nature of my past experiences already have well-communicated to me ideas found in philosophical frameworks and ideas that even now, I do not find the very nature of studying textbooks and science that strange philosophically or in terms of reaching intuitiveness. It is like learning to ride a bike. At one point, the very nature of every framework, theory, and ideas are not so strange so that any time I encounter philosophical ideas, I remark that their very realities have already been well-subsumed into myself experientially, visually, and sensually that any attempt by them to convince me is like trying to convince an car-driving adult of the existence of a car by using children's toy cars.

It is interesting to say that those children's stories, those video games, those media, those stories, and those real-life experiences all converged to form this very intuitiveness and 'ingrainedness' that I have with the very realities (of those ideas). 

It makes it so that reading philosophical texts only serves to improve my writing and reading skills rather than provide any measure of novelty of thought to me, because of what I've already been exposed to all my life.

That is what philosophical texts feel like when the very realities of those ideas have been well-internalized into myself.

It's like watching a 30-minute recap video of the actual 4-hour live stream I watched. Well, that is not enough emphasis. It is like telling an 80-year-old man about the existence of aging. It is like a single picture of a very vast 5-year-long memory.

It validates my reality, but at the same time, I also feel like I'm being shown a children's toy car in prove to me that cars exist, even when I'm already an adult who has read thousands of pages of books.

This is why I prefer the 'nothingness' of reality. When life is given (appreicated by) little precision and clarity in terms of being written down and documented, then reality is allowed never to be compromised or condensed and allowed to be experienced in full.

This is why I love of relaxation of reading a book merely or going outside for a trip. Even if that trip has produced very meaningful things that if written down in expansive detail by a very educated interdisciplinary scholar, could prove to be very valuable, for the most part, omitting dreams, experiences, and all kinds of exposure from being quantified or even qualitatively described or condensed only proves futile and deleterious.

Even if real-life can be very complex and that if studied can be very fruitful in understanding the very complex, nuanced, and numerous interactions and facets which occur, it is frequently better to let direct experiences, visuals, and sensations occur.

I love reading a book and enjoying it without trying to dissect it. But there is also a desire to write everything down precisely and comprehensively in hopes of preserving them. However, that is the beauty of life. The more one attempts to preserve it, the more it is lost by the loss of letting it be and occur merely.

This is why I don't always write down my dreams, because it takes much effort. And sometimes, it is best left to the imagination and left to be experienced as they are. Sometimes, experiences, as they are, should be reflected upon rather than dissected as they occurs in the moment. But even there are many things about which words only seem to create abstraction and construction rather than reflect the actual realities and experiences.

Sometimes, everything collapses (occurs in an interconnected, free way like a collapse) and is ill-defined because it is beautiful; when clarity enters into the room, construction and representations are the only things left, while the realities are ommitted. 

It is strange; clarity constructs and defines them, only serving to make it "make too much sense," while 'disclarity' allows things to alight upon the surface level and occur (as they are).

We are only as much as we are; even then, we are nothing even in our constructions. The distinction between gibberish and precision is meaningless when compared to reality, as they precise constructions and gibberish are altogether construction in the eyes of reality.

We are only as much as we are, that when we attempt to define ourselves, we are altogether omitted.

We are as much as we are, that when all things fall, our attempts to catch things as they come cannot be any more futile than our mere sitting down and free and still acceptance of the things as they fall and alight upon our skin.

We are only as much as we, that everything can be so defined so as to be meaningless.

We are only as much as we are, that we can be be so clear so as to unreality, that our very constructions have created in us a misunderstanding. Then we are altogether unreality by our self-convincing and "clarity-giving" tools, frameworks, and constructions, in hopes that this reality that we are so keen to experiencing is made clear to us like the very knowledge that Adam and Eve hoped to achieve by eating the apple.

We are only as much as we are, that we are nothing after all. Because reality is nothing, any desire to make it something only omits reality in the process, so that the very nothingness we all experience in disclarity occurs (as it is).

This is reality, when it is most unclear, unspeakable, and strangely familiar, because no matter how we attempt to familiarize it into present constructed understanding, we also omit it in the process. There is a strange familiarity in knowing well what it is, but knowing well that any attempt at further familiarization through construction omits the very realities with which we seek to familiarize ourselves more.

This is reality, when it is just about enough, but not so enough that we can say that it makes sense, that when we rely upon constructions and are so well-adapted to them that we can freely travel through constructions and different layers of abstraction well, then nothing makes sense because it makes too much sense (in the abstract).

There is a loss gained upon knowledge.

Upon knowing, I lost something. (Reality.)

Learning new languages only exacerbates this realization.

It is not that I will stop studying academic texts, but they are to me as of the same value as actual gibberish. I will cherish them as they are precisely constructed. But when compared to reality, they are altogether constructions. I see thinkers as "delusional fools" who engage in masturbatory construction as it is seeks to satisfy their internal logic with more internal logic. Delving deeper into their internal logic does not create external logic. It creates a continuously inner-evolving internal logic layers upon layers within. Attempting to create external logic from internal logic is like attempting to say that further exploration within a cave system has led to the realization that one is no longer within this cave system. Their further explorations and delving only leads them further within the cave system, and any complexity of paths and chambers that they might find only serve to bolster this reality that even after all their efforts, they remain within the cave system, as the thinker in his attempts to create external logic from internal logic. I see thinkers, scholars, and intellectuals as just a bunch of "delusional losers," and I mean that with great esteem toward their efforts in creating their frameworks, ideas, and theories, the realities of which I am already well-familiar experientially, visually, and sensually. The fact that delusional losers who have nothing to work with have created such beautiful 'cave chambers' within their cave system are worth appreciating. But we are altogether delusional losers in our attempts to create external logic in our internal logic. But we try anyway.

I'm not saying that evidence is meaningless, but even now, everyday people, thinkers, academics, and intellectuals have their lens colored by societal frameworks, theories, and ideas, which has been so throughout history up to the modern day. So even with evidence, interpretations vary widely to the point that they can be considered altogether construction in the eyes of reality.

Simply, I am referring to over-intellectualization, where the pursuit of understanding becomes an end in itself, detached from the grounding reality it seeks to explain.

This is also why we love so much to delve deeper into the cave system anyway (reminiscent of Plato's Allegory of the Cave, where prisoners perceive shadows on a wall, mistaking them for reality). Maybe we have abandoned all escape, and that is more logical than attempting to create external logic within internal logic. So we keep matching inside the cave system. We create worlds wherein we can immerse ourselves and experience stories and fiction experiences. We have dreams and we let them be. We do not always attempt to deconstruct things, because even deconstruction is a construction in itself, an exercise of omission, oblivion, futility, and frustration.

Creating external logic within internal logic is the ultimate form of projection (such as that in psychology, or exactly that very psychological concept).

Of course, I would prefer if we did not separate virtual reality, dreams, imagination, and fiction from the reality we live in that we altogether became psychotic or schizophrenic, even if it might be pleasurable. But that does get called into question, in concepts such as hyperreality (Simulacra and simulation) and postmodernism.

I have lost so many people. Naturally, I myself know well why intellectualization sounds like the cure to all our problems, especially those who have been second-hand exposed to trauma and the horrors of this world.

We are limited, and we try. But we cannot forget that delving into intellectualization is just as dangerous as delving into fiction stories, imaginations, and dreams.

They are only as much as they are, because within abstraction, there can be a difference between a level 1 soldier and a level 1000 soldier in a fantasy LitRPG (Literature role-playing game) fiction story, a difference between a tree and a forest in academic scope, and a difference between a car and a girlfriend in a dream. But when compared to reality, they are all constructions.

Extending these ideas to actual thinkers and frameworks, Paul Sartre and Martin Heidegger indeed argued that language and conceptual frameworks can obscure the raw immediacy of existence. The view that over-analysis is counterproductive to understanding fundamental truths also echoes the Zen Buddhist concept of "beginner's mind," valuing openness and direct experience over accumulated knowledge. The view on interpretations of evidence being colored by societal frameworks reflects a constructivist approach, similar to Thomas Kuhn's idea that scientific paradigms shape how evidence is interpreted. The value placed on undistilled experiences and direct engagement with reality without excessive intellectualization resonates with Eastern philosophies like Zen Buddhism, which emphasize the intrinsic nature of experiences and the present moment. The reflections on individual experience, freedom, and the creation of personal meaning align with existentialist themes. Additionally, the focus on direct experiences over abstract theorization reflects phenomenological approaches that prioritize how things appear to consciousness. Lastly, the passage touches on epistemological concerns regarding the limitations of knowledge and the paradox of gaining knowledge while potentially losing a direct connection with reality. These may not cover everything.


June 11, 22:25:13
Analogy: Academia and Institutions as High School Cliques


The comparison that academics and the senate and all kinds of institutional or governmental construction are like high school where you have the nerds and the like is a sub-set extrapolation of the above ideas. I'm saying that our attempts at masturbatory "officialness" and definition only remove everything.


June 11, 23:18:04
Contrasting Snippets: Critiquing and Defending Moral Absolutism


Article: 'But so let us engage in warfare then. What kind of warfare? No warfare.

Kant's attempts to create absolute moral truths and obligations have been reduced to a tyrant's ponderings of a broader society forged in sensibility and common sense (as far as moral absolutism is concerned) or maybe this is a mischaracterization. But in all things, there are always going to fallen gods, and with fallen gods, fallen morals and ideas. Censure and erasure then becomes ideal, and afterwards, the memories of the new generation embody the goals of creating the moral of absolutes, that which disdained the old and forged the new. In warfare, we wage a battle, like armies in fiction, and hope to establish ourselves that our ideals be forged truly and that our absolute hopes be magnified across the generations and the people, applying deemphasis and subsequently censure along the way, that we might bestow upon the world the gift of life. That is what we own though, and we move forward, creating new ground that we might break them and impose the ideals of hope, dreams, and moral absolutism, if not to save a life, then to break them that we might be truly free from the very ideal of chaos, because it seems to be so as ideas of atheism and nihilism have been mischaracterized. But it is so anyway. We forge forward anew, with the strive, knowing, and feeling of moral truism.'

Response:
'what does it attempt to say? why would he critique Kant? Would it not better to understand him than to criticize his ideas? It does not make sense why anyone would criticize someone who guides the very thoughts and ideals of many thinkers today.

Then what is he saying even? I don't understand why he does not realize that his relativism only guarantees violence. Now I'm not saying that a specific nation or people carried absolute moral truth. Kant is just saying that it exists, even as an ideal. It is senseless to attempt to deconstruct or defy absolutism by people who have attempted to create it. There is no destruction of moral absolutism. It exists whether or not people have failed to replicate it. It remains so. It is the very nature of our reality, and to say that it is removed because people have created among themselves false (relativist) gods is a mockery of the very unceasing nature of existence, which extends to moral absolutism itself as an essential component of reality.'



June 11, 23:22:49 – June 11, 23:24:37
Analysis: Critiquing the Narrowness of Both Kant Snippets


So from my view, the response has an almost dogmatic view of moral absolutism as an existence of itself. The first could go into much depth with regard to Kant. The first could critique how Kant presents views without dogpiling on him.

None of them seem to be talking about Kant actually. They both present very narrow interpretations which do not cover the fullness of Kant's ideas and the interpretations of those ideas. The article is more descriptive at least with his criticism, even if it is very narrow, but the response is just saying something along the lines of "This is the case because it is a fundamental part of reality, the end."



June 11, 23:27:55
Brief Note on Adjusting Analytical Scope


We are only as small as we can and as big as we can. What I mean is that we can narrow our scope to focus on precise details and widen our scope to focus on grander interpretations of reality.



June 12, 00:44:39 – June 12, 00:49:55
Author's Stance: Postmodern Interpretation Preferred, Clarifications Available


If I wanted to be utmost in my clarity, I would forbid the reading of my fiction work for those who even now are willing to ignore my clarifications for my fiction work, which has been perceived to be convoluted by its surrealist and postmodern style. I have spent much effort in securing a comprehensive recognition of the intentionality behind the themes, scenes, ideas, stylistic choices, and all other elements throughout my 200,000-word narrative. So I do emphasize that if the fiction work did not make that already clear, I suggest you focus on interpreting it yourself as a postmodern work, and if you may so desire a clearer, more set-in-tone interpretation, then view my clarifications. In other words, it's best to leave it to the reader in virtue of postmodernism, but if my critics are so adamant about a clear set-in-stone interpretation by which to view the work, then there my clarifications await.

So they say that it's best to leave it to the reader in virtue of postmodernism, but if they are so adamant about a clear set-in-stone interpretation by which to view the work, then they point to their clarifications?



June 12, 00:47:45
Observation: The Modern Perception of Postmodernism vs. Clarity


I see... I guess in the modern day, postmodernism is often seen as bad writing, as clarity is prioritized now in light of the rise of the Internet.



June 12, 02:01:54
Querying the Value of Introspection: Comparing Life Periods


Is introspection even necessary? I mean, it's not that I did not engage in introspection from 2011 (8 years old) 2016 (13 years old), but it was from 2019 (16 years old) to 2024 (21 years old) that I began thinking a lot because I stopped going to school and was staying at home all day everyday for the most part. 

I wonder if the last 5 years (2019 to 2024) was a waste of time, because I spent so much time learning. But I wasn't exactly the most happy person in the world during this time. I was much generally happier, or at least more excited, from 2011 to 2016, because I travelled much, met and befriended hundreds of people, and went to so many places, events, and grew in many communities. I was a part of so much, and I learned so much.

I mean I learned so much in the past five years, but it resulted in much more complex negative emotions, even if it came with similarly complex positive emotions. It was generally less simply happy, and more so happy in a complex way. It was more so a conflict or dynamic of meaning rather than mere exposure to vast and greatly beautiful experiences. My mind was still young in 2011 to 2016, so my exposure to complex ideas was limited in scope due to my lack of experience and introspection.

The past five years have been marked by a challenging mental battle. During this time, I have spent much time devoting effort into understanding the world through media exposure and through my own exposure to all kinds of ideas, into learning skills and how to apply them in various contexts, especially digitally, into becoming self-reliant and independent socially, in self-care, emotionally, and in growth, and into reflection and studying vastly, comprehensively, and analytically, not only by writing but by many other mediums such as playing musical instruments, drawing, writing fiction stories, and listening to music. I have been exposed to many times more media and all kinds of ideas; as a result, I have been able to add meaning or recognize everything I've internalized and been exposed to when I was growing up. This was a year of constructing everything in specificity, experiencing new ways of interpreting the world by virtue of mass exposure to media through the Internet and with much time spent in introspection independently, and asking tough questions and addressing many issues.



June 12, 03:02:46 – June 12, 03:57:31
Conformity, Truth, New Ideas, and the Pitfalls of Legacy and Academia


To what extent does conformity affect? To what extent does the truth encompass? To what extent do new (avant-garde, transgressive, or progressive) ideas have its place? I don't want to hear, "This is your own truth, this is your own truth..." But I also don't want to hear that there's objective truth. I mean there should be an objective truth in terms of evidence. What I mean is that to what extent does conformity affect? The relationship between truth and conformity is complex. New ideas have a place, but to what extent as it relates to conformity and the truth?

The issue of new ideas is that they can create conformities, dismissing nuanced and complex ideas by oversimplifying them to the either-or framework of polarization. Where there are new ideas and there are old or traditional ideas and there is an increasing polarization, complex and nuanced ideas can be forced to pick a side and represented by fallacious strawmen through which both sides perceive the other. This is the issue of new ideas as it enters into complex world where one can consider certain ideas conformist and others can consider other ideas non-conformist or translatable into the new ideas framework. As a result, some complex and nuanced ideas can be shared by both sides simultaneously. When the Anpo protests occurred, both progressives and conservatives worked together against the US-Japan agreement. This is an example of how ideas can be shared by two opposing sides. However, as I mentioned, the issue of new ideas is that they can create new conformities. Even within the civil rights movement, there are feminists (people who identity as feminists) who oppose the trans movement. And there are feminists who were proponents of this movement. Consequently, the fight here is that these former feminists are being excluded and considered invalid with regard to their identity as feminists. Now, as you can see here, nuanced and complex issues can arise, and unlike the immediate exclusion of the former feminists ("easy and fast" solving), these issues can create within sides within sides, facets within facets, or oppositions within oppositions. It can complicate otherwise simple issues and turn them into spiraling ones; however, there are established agendas in place to ensure that both sides are easily identified and polarized, that moderate ideas are forced to pick a side, so that anything that occurs becomes immediately thrust into the extreme ends of either side for the sake of clarity and streamlined promotion and marketing (social media posts). This results in a new conformity, that which is constituted of conformities within new ideas, and of conformities within old ideas.

In short, new ideas are not necessarily as much as they are now established within a framework which is conformist in its own regard, despite its origins based on challenging existing frameworks and forms of conformity.

In the US, progressivism could be considered now to have one half of the pie, with the other being conservatism. Previous thinkers' attempts to create new movements have been subsumed into one of these two portions, so conservatives in the past will easily disagree with conservatives today, possibly considering today's conservatives progressive.

Legacy is the key word here. Conservatists cannot appeal to legacy, just as much as progressives cannot appeal to legacy. There is a high chance that conservatists from the past would easily disagree with today's conservatists, and progressives from the past can easily disagree with today's progressives. Nonetheless, today, they might consider these older conservatists and progressives as invalid, while still claiming legacy support.

For example, the US does not represent the Western legacy necessarily. The US might be full of things Western thinkers and figures of the past will disagree with. There were many Western thinkers like Kant who had racist views. So claiming legacy here does not make sense because even the very concept of "Western world" is completely subjective and has changed so many times. It probably did not even exist the way it does now 300 years ago in the 18th century. Weaponizing legacy is incredibly political and opportunist.

Even the very term "avant-garde" has been used merely to mean "excellent" at this point, even without intending to necessarily. Even the term "punk" when viewed from an anti-establishment perspective establish conformities by and among its proponents.

Simply, this is selective interpretation of historical views to fit current agendas, ignoring the broader context and evolution of those ideas. Furthermore, modern appeals to legacy often omit the inconvenient aspects, such as Kant's now-racist and -regressive views. This fits within the concept of historical revisionism, the reinterpretation of the past to serve current political needs and the distortion of the understanding of history.

For example, mentioning names can be a way to get points, even if the audience only knows their prestige and legacy as token names and are ignorant of the actual content of their contributions.

Even the very nature of citations can prove useless if 99% of readers are ignorant of the actual discourse and sources that they might apply critical scrutiny effectively.

I have seen people citing Youtube videos and magazine articles, which is not necessarily problematic, but can be weaponized to give a feeling of credibility. In Wikipedia, it does not immediately signal a difference between a mere magazine article of The New Yorker and a highly regarded peer-reviewed scientific journal article. This creates an impression of equivalence that is not warranted. Furthermore, I have read articles from social sciences journals with writing blended with the use of quotations to mask a particular political lean. In addition, I have read textbooks that blend objective facts with dogmatically written statements at the start which signify a political lean. So even academics can be colored by our social constructions in a dogmatic manner.

It is frequently much better to avoid mentioning legacy-bearing names and focus on the very content of their ideas, as long as their works are cited, but quietly. This way, it is not mere masturbatory convolutedness to hide political or ideological lean or to feign credibility. Nevertheless, convoluted language can arise out of the need to cover comprehensiveness the subject, but it can be weaponized as well. In the end, mentioning precisely relevant scientific articles, alongside describing concisely (tactfully) the content of ideas, with the omitting, placing aside, or deemphasis of the legacy of terms and names, is essential. This necessitates the acknowledgement the historical context and the lineage of ideas as well.


June 12, 03:15:31 – June 12, 03:18:47
Reiteration: How New Ideas Can Foster New Conformities


So new ideas are not necessarily as much as they are now established within a framework which is conformist in its own regard, despite its origins based on challenging existing frameworks and forms of conformity?




June 12, 04:05:55 – June 12, 04:18:27
Surreal Reflection on Flow, Futility, and Repetition


Red colors fly about like doves emerging toward the sky; what then is the man who attempts to dissect his own soul, that he might hope to achieve great things? That he might consider himself better than all those who came before. That all things again upon the sun, upon the little tops, upon the places whence all things flow. Here, in this little pie of life, I think, maybe I have to go and let it flow. There is nothing like cars roaming about, where dogs know to leave their feet out, hundred awakenings incomparable to this strange everyday event. The ways of life as it is committed to memory can only serve to be awakened here in this little pie. I mention again that I am sick, weakened to the driest parts of the bones, if there ever were any. The point is, I lost myself, [a] long time ago. Some time there I was waking and walking around there. Somewhere there. It became gone, like [the memory of] fresh baked loaves, no time wasted for this fleeting flight. And time stood still to a halt.

There I was, there I am again, naught remaining, naught surviving. I cannot be but still. There is a grace to my suffering, but in all these things, let me remain unhindered, in the flow, in the flow, where all things go, where all things I know, where all things they know, where all things summarize themselves, until old man gone, until old sun come, until I fall down, until sensibilities break down, until all is lost in the charade of a man sitting neatly upon the chair of a diner. There I was, there I am again! Let all those who fall come to life, but here, where my feet touch and tap against the surface of the water of the pool, is everything is lost. I am thus gone, like freshly baked loves smelled fleetingly. I could not be so; I could not be so. I could not be anything but so. There I am, there I am again. Broken like a man eating a dove, or a person attempting to do a mischievous strange thing (like eating a dove). A man that attempts so is thus repetitive, because in all these transgressions (transgressive actions), I am then futile-made and futile-formed. Ready swords lash out at me, and strike me down that I may know my name-identity-form. "Let me know what is it that ails me," I said, while I was seated. There I knew that I was unable to be anything but myself. What was once my epitome is now my little shed. What was once the world is now a dying sun. Tell friends. Tell friends. All they know is a little tiny dove. Shining above the world. We all go. There is no semblance or appearance that mimics anything of value. The very nature of reality is to commit-die. But that is how we interact with ourselves, and with our groanings, that we may demand a result. The fresh letters tapping about, sun-dried mangoes, pleasurable acquaintances, sun-letting people's faces There we grow, go, know, so let me speak with a pleasurable demeanor. I am thus gone, all-forever gone. Nothing is here, no, it is a dream-like statement, a purview of all things [that] were. Kiss me Goodbye. I am letter-dealer, hope-stealer, and touch-maker. I am gone again, into the 'again,' into the last. Let-me-all-fall, as a song with a nice 'dovey' (dove-like) sound; gone again; repaired again; no again. Shut; open; closed; singing; letters; cars; shine. The world knows no peace, and I am free. Huff-huff, huff-huff, huff-huff. The man goes huff-huff because he is well-prepared for his ill-defined death as a milk man. The life that he could have lived instead of merely bringing milk to the people at the apartments and houses past the gates in the closed communities. Here he is, here he is again, like letters clasping their hands: its fingers trying to outsmart each other. That maybe in hopes they are altogether faithful to each other in further convergence and unity, by the nature of clasping or the entering-into-each-other. Let it all be gone then.



June 12, 04:25:47
Surreal Vignette: Voices, Conflict, and Fleeting Peace


I saw a hundred voices in the air. Hundreds of them rushed toward me. I was overwhelmed, but not broken. Here I found myself incredibly beautiful, nuking them with my hands which looked like missiles. I jumped and leapt toward them as if levitation; there I touched the tips of their fingers; our fingertips touched. We hoped to be free from all this mess. I sat down, hugging the voices as if they were one person, and there we sat at the porch of a Japanese-style house. I hoped that maybe this place might be my abode, but I did not know exactly what determined whether it was so. I did know that these thought exercises are those of futility, so let me describe reality. Colors; beauty; ashes; cries; tiring; hope; dreams; pain; watch; sand; colors; "No!"; death; pleasure; hopes; dreams; pain; "god!"; wishes; pain; loss; damn; sin; great; wish; no; please; wish; demand; dream; wish; kiss; me; goodbye; death.



June 12, 04:31:43
Poetic Acceptance: Repetition, Decay, and Being Human


Red colors now fill the air. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be a human again, but I did know there were things that only I could appreciate; but now I am here again, singing this simple song: "Wait a minute, what am I doing here? Why am I here? Why am I here?" There I was, and there I am again, singing a song until the endless becomes norm. Should I even imagine anything beyond this point? What then is this but an exercise of frustration? The mere mention of anything then leads to an exploration and complexifying of those ideas, but at one point, everything falls to the ground. I know that. I know well the difficulties of maintaining coherence and congruence despite everything. I sit down because I know well what it means to be a human being. I know that everything comes and goes, and everything falls to the ground. At one point, everything falls to the ground, and everything I know becomes a repetition, an end to itself. That is 'which it is.'


June 12, 05:06:18
Brief Note: The Pain of Recency vs. History Bias


The pain of recency and the pain of history. When we rely much on recency so as to be completely blind, or when rely much on history so as to be completely unable to separate historical legacy from recency.


[REDACTED]


June 12, 19:45:18
The Enduring Desire for Optimism Despite Historical Lessons


I think it's natural no? To desire optimism and a peaceful future? Even if reading about history and reading books, even fiction ones, from authors from the past can help achieve a grounded perspective, people want hope, optimistic, and peace. Pessimism is boring, and being scared of the future is tiring. Dystopia is something we all are aware of through modern interpretations of the future, but what we don't know is that people have hoped for peace in the past as well and knew the risks. But things went to shit anyway. "The War That Will End All War" by H. G. Wells is an example of that, a book that exists to resemble our hopes in the modern day, while being totally wrong as seen from history.


June 12, 20:36:20 – June 12, 20:37:39
The Challenge of Revisiting Older, Experimental Writing


I have written much from 2019, and I know that I need to pick them up quickly if I don't want to be separated from my past self so as to maintain the integrity of those novels. However, it is challenging, as I was not only experimental in constructing premises, but even my language was very so. This makes it a feat for me to consider deconstructing them within my recent brain as contrary to that of my younger self about 5 years ago; that in hopes of recreating a proper expansion (by turning over the very ideas dormant in my head at the time through imagination and streaks of creative spree) of the premises which frequently were only short enough to be 200 to 500 words, which despite the short length, carries a heavily unaltered tone, that which standard language from established standards and norms have failed yet to penetrate and linguistically disembowel; I do engage with the very facts of today's expansion of my linear self, which has experienced disruptions and cases of diversion throughout my evolution; of which details are substantial and plenteous. So I remain face-pointed to the details of to-day's methodologies that I have readily prepared in re-making within a construct: this day (session of in-depth and hardy consideration), by the hope which was bestowed through my time, casts a shield-umbrella, that of my recognition of the very details of the Sophistications of my younger self which spur me to action, for myself to be overshadowed, and my writings involved. Here then, I am well-aware of the very nature of my disposition, that to be called, is to be enthralled with the peculiarities of my time.


[REDACTED]


June 12, 22:00:10
Preference for 19th-Century Academic Writing Style Over Modern Accessibility


any early 19th century academic texts

the communist manifesto was around 50 to 100 years before Soviet Russia, so it can be compared to the temporal distance between the World Wars and 2024.

It makes sense that such ideas take 50 to 100 years before they are fully manifest everywhere.

It makes sense why the Victorian Era was marked by Darwin's ideas.

I think thinkers like Kant were incredibly embedded into their culture and time, so it makes sense why people like him did not appear in more recent secular and rational cultures and times.

Is it weird that I prefer 19th century writing? Principles of Geology is one good example of that kind of writing that I prefer.

I find it a lot more immersive, but that's probably because I've matured as a writer and a reader. I hate the generic language of modern-day texts, because they sometimes spent so much time trying to be accessible that they end up bloating the text for the sake of making it clear for the uninitiated. This is not bad. It's more so that I'm done with these texts.

I would not use the word "straightforward" for contemporary writing necessarily. As mentioned earlier, their attempts to straightforward, accessible, and everyday leads to writing that focuses on ways to bring complex ideas to them, resulting in bloated text which arises out  to make complex topics conversational. Stream-of-consciousness or conversational writing can be very bloated, whereas language from more complex academic texts are much more compact and do not waste time with imprecise terms and vocabulary.



June 13, 03:45:56 – June 13, 03:49:24
Critiquing Summaries: A Preference for Precision and Elaboration


I have always felt disrespected by summaries. I've always found that abridging 4,000 years of history into one book felt disrespectful in a way. Of course, it's actually not disrespectful. Having a linear path toward complexity is great, but summaries can give the illusion of actual knowledge. It's like a bunch of politicians tossing legacy figures' names about the works of whom 99% of people have zero knowledge besides the 'legacy' of their names. This is why I love precision and elaboration in writing; it is my intent to ensure that I can make it as compact as I can in hopes that I am not appealing to the illusion of knowledge, but to actual precision and knowledge. I don't want grand awesome vague gestures. I prefer learning precisely where ideas connect and hit; this is why I have spent so much time studying, reading, and writing comprehensively and academically.

I am fine with summaries and overviews as a technique (when used to summarize a book before preceding in, summarize a section before or after, ect.), but not as a sole bearer of the audiences' gaze, and I also see the usefulness of cross-references as a way to prevent repeating ideas and reinventing the wheel already established my earlier seminal texts. If I could, I would connect any significant idea in my texts to other academic texts, including a healthy combination of both long and short forms in the citations; even if the ideas did not necessarily come from them and emerged from my synthesis of other ideas.

I also love footnotes and find them incredibly useful in ensuring precision and elaboration of ideas without sacrificing flow.

I recognize the use of case studies; though I do not frame it as 'case studies' and find that I can easily integrate anecdotes and related historical real-world examples into the text.


June 13, 04:04:55 – June 13, 04:12:13
Ambivalence Towards the Grand Narrative Amidst Postmodern Skepticism


I find it strange you know... Why is that I am afraid of the grand narrative? I mean, I can see why my psyche might desire it. But I find myself hating the grand narrative in areas such as my fiction writing, where I implicitly mock 'grand narratives' by devoting much effort into building up the feeling of "God, Conquerer, We-Are, Universal Truths, the Epitome," but then I break it down by slapping it against hard concrete ground with postmodernist themes central to the narrative. However, I also desire it, because I have shown myself capable of devoting much genuine effort and belief in the grand narrative when those times shine, but I am never so affected that I forget my true goals of deconstruction. It ultimately ends in dissonance and complex discord. 

With regard to my psyche, I assume that having my personal grand narrative life in the final stages of my adolescent years disrupted and torn off track likely affected my perception of it.

I want to believe again in the grand narrative. It will connect me to my past, but my postmodernist side, which has learned to hold disillusionment, intellectualism, and skepticism with a healthy sense of self-doubt by the nature of the constructed of all things, remains tethered to this adult self now at 21 years old. I have, for what feels like forever but actually only began around 2017, experienced divergences, interruptions, and varieties of pains and sufferings which were then followed by all kinds of complexities and nuances which never were fully synced. And even in my attempts to construct the grand narrative of my life through journaling and writing my autobiography and documenting as much of my life as possible, I find myself unable to decide what determines a human being in its fullness. This is what led me to read textbooks and to study much more. My skepticism led me to study a lot and to be more open-minded and curious, but also putting me in a constant state of unease and tension with the conformities which are now exposed all around by contradistinction with this mode of intellectually conscious being.

The fact that I've been spending much time studying my very processes in a meta way is helpful though. It is interesting to see that I am studying the very processes by which I create and experience postmodernist or more grand narrative themes, not only in my textual reflections in either non-fiction and fiction writing, but also in my perception and mode of being within my day-to-day life as I approach my past, present, and future and the increasingly complex province of the comprehensiveness of scope of consciousness—meta-reflection.


Femina studet sed ea est pulcher.



June 13, 05:03:35
Missing Public Lectures: Seeking an Academic Equivalent


Is it possible for me to attend teachings or something at an academic level? I guess not? I miss going to church and hearing preachers talk. I love that. But now that I'm older, I wish I had something like that for academia.

The issue is that if church-like academic public lectures not as available and accessible as churches are, then it's most likely much better to study in a self-directed manner.


June 13, 05:05:20
The Melancholy of Optimal Self-Study vs. a Remembered Outgoing Past


I find it saddening that this is the optimal way to study, which is through self-directed study. My current circumstances makes that inevitable, and though I may have had hopes of traveling and being a part of something regional or international, those hopes are now dashed. However, I do prefer optimal growth, even if it means sacrificing an outgoing way of life that has been long ingrained into me.

It's just weird. I used to travel so much and had so much fun growing up, being a part of so many events, including seminars, sports and music fests, and camps, among others; attending public lectures, although Christian church ones; taking part in so many different kinds of novel and immersive activities; befriending hundreds of people; and being exposed to the world from so many angles, viewpoints, and perspectives; opening up room for a much more developed and mature understanding of the complexities and nuances of the world.

I do draw on my past experiences, but I can't shake the fact that I have to stay indoors and be in a single room, almost like I'm in school, everyday. It is my reality now, and I've grown so much. So I can't really pretend that the sacrifices were not worth it, as I look back only to admit that the time in which I transitioned from that outgoing life several years ago to this new self-directed studying life was optimal. But it is strange still to reflect and write illustrations of the significance of that departure.



June 13, 06:38:43 – June 13, 07:30:46
Grand Narratives, Postmodernism, and the Critique of Academic Cliques


I realize that reading summaries of the 19th century can be conducive to grand narrative thinking.

I'm referring to the very nature of grand narrative thinking as opposed to postmodernist constructivist views, and how looking at an article summarizing the 19th century can elicit the former.

I'm not specifically talking about the 19th century per se. But the very nature of reading such wide scopes can lead to grand narrative thinking.

Postmodernism can also be embedded as opposition against the Western lens, particularly from the academic viewpoint of the English-speaking West. Books that are often quoted as very effective condensed texts can lead to grand narrative thinking, but books that do not attempt to present authoritativeness and focus on the viewpoint of a particular man in a very particular context, leading to a much more realistic perspective of life.

Grand narrative thinking, or modernism, can facilitate clarity and communication by virtue of standardization of all aspects of life, especially by language (which also leads to the standardization of accents, vocabulary, and writing patterns), but can impede the very nature of individual humanity and personality contrary to broad, sweeping societal viewpoints.

This also leads to commodification, which can exacerbate historical biases and abridged perspectives of particular groups, cultures, and ideas, leading to polarization and ostracization of moderate but realistic (more real to life as a result of stemming from the nature of a person's subjective reality rather than from a broad, sweeping view of themselves, as even natives of a non-Western country can begin viewing themselves as Westerns view them through prolonged media exposure) ideas.

It is much better to read a hundred books on the same subject by numerous authors from vastly different viewpoints, as long as they are maintained within the same strain of evidences. But even that can be called into question, as the very nature of science and citations can lead to grand narrative thinking and dogmatic acceptance of scientific truisms that this pattern of thought leaks into unsubstantiated but authoritatively presented ideas.

The appeal to citations (analogous to appeal to authority) is insufficient. If possible, scrutinize all citations and references of an authoritatively presented work and hope that it leads down to the most seminal work and rapidly located replicated studies regarding such ideas. This would prevent the dogmatic acceptance of even ideas that are presented authoritatively, secularly, and rationally.

Appeal to citations can be just as intellectually damaging as watching the same political videos all agreeing with "truisms" they all share without scrutinizing the very nature of those truisms beyond proponents' media and textual examinations. Citations can be used like high school cliques, where other ideas and intellectual are shunned unless they fit into the clique, gatekeeping and solidifying their place by the mere ignorance and lack of scrutiny from peer groups who only agree on those premises (truisms) in the first place.

I have seen academic cliquing behavior myself, and they often try their best to present something as authoritative as possible in order to avoid looking like a bunch of people with opinions. For example, I've seen an instance of a critic being othered, and their critique is characterized as "...although [their] criticism has been perceived as highly selective." In contrast, in reality, with the way this is worded, it makes it look like a society of authoritative thinkers from different parts of science gathered together to declare their critique "highly selective." The fact that they mention the critic's name, but not the names of the two only people who defended against the critique makes the way the sentence is structured suspicious. They reference only the critique, but not the content of the defenders' articles, highlighting the "otherness" of the critic by just the construction style of the language.

In another instance of academic clique behavior, I have seen articles from social science wield the use of quotes as a way to express their opinions without actually expressing it. It can be similar to a content creator quoting Twitter posts from media. The posts are biased and polarized, but the content creator merely chose them. The content creator can avoid criticism while expressing himself indirectly by the nature of selecting those Twitter posts.

It is saddening, and it makes it challenging for me to participate anyhow in the ideals of academia, but I might just be inadvertently participating in the ideal of academia, though not in the ideals of misguided institutions.

Yeah, I don't think 'like-minded' is a good term anymore. It is challenging at this point. Postmodernism aligns with the idea that a person cannot allow themselves to be so defined that they are incapacitated from any evolution of themselves, such that the world in all its glory, remains an unchanging embrace. And even this very description is a mere construction, for reality does not have definable answers, only factors and elements which cannot be so designated so as to be linguistically clear, that even our minds might find to be even a touch-bit sensible, for logic has left the window, not by reality's 'unlogic,' but by our own (in virtue of our helpless minds in defining such).

The issues of grand narratives are echo chambers and tunnel visioning. If a person sojourns into a cave and he treks inside, hoping he would find something of value, but let's say the cave is wide and long, much so that it could be considered fantastical. But in this journey, he has completely become one with the cave, that anything else that he was becomes 'reproductive' (self-referential, internally logic, and repetitive) in nature within the limitations of this co-existence (with the cave).

Postmodernism seeks to prevent these by just not being a person, not being anything in fact, not even being someone who is someone one day and remains the same the next [day].

But that also means supporting 'non-definition,' but not necessarily so in the traditional sense, at least as the very term is apparently so at least on the surface. But we can stretch this term to cover all areas of life in non-definition, but not by the very exclusion of communication itself, but to some extent compromise and complacency with our modern world which seeks to reinterpret at a constant rate ourselves and our humanities that we might be cool-boys or any type produced by the 'machine.' It is hard to encompass completely these various little dots we call complexities; because even here in this world, as we seek to interpret by one correct definition, we also seek to alter it such that it becomes good, whatever that might mean for the individual or group. Point is that it will be a challenge to determine exactly the weight by which we must throw the rock of scrutiny and postmodernist non-acceptance. If we are to communicate our hopes, we must encapsulate it in some way, but maybe it is just to leave things be and push away the nature of nonsensical thoughts in hopes of reaching communication and communion (connection), that this is not a game-play, but a readily available non-definition of our lives, even in language. But are we then lost? Are we only so non-defined that we are lost? I wish not. But I do wish that even in this ideal for non-definition and non-acceptance, that these very words lose their meaning. Amen.



June 13, 07:27:56
Quoted Paragraph: Non-Definition, Complexity, and Compromise


But that also means supporting 'non-definition,' but not necessarily so in the traditional sense, at least as the very term is apparently so at least on the surface. But we can stretch this term to cover all areas of life in non-definition, but not by the very exclusion of communication itself, but to some extent compromise and complacency with our modern world which seeks to reinterpret at a constant rate ourselves and our humanities that we might be cool-boys or any type produced by the 'machine.' It is hard to wide completely these various little dots we call complexities; because even here in this world, as we seek to interpret by one correct definition, we also seek to alter it such that it becomes good, whatever that might mean for the individual or group. Point is that it will be a challenge to determine exactly the weight by which we must throw the rock of scrutiny and postmodernist non-acceptance. If we are to communicate our hopes, we must encapsulate it in some way, but maybe it is just to leave things be and push away the nature of nonsensical thoughts in hopes of reaching communication and communion (connection), that this is not a game-play, but a readily available non-definition of our lives, even in language. But are we then lost? Are we only so non-defined that we are lost? I wish not. But I do wish that even in this ideal for non-definition and non-acceptance, that these very words lose their meaning. Amen.



June 13, 07:35:08 – June 13, 08:00:40
Philosophical Responses to Queries on Resonance and Approach


"Have you found any particular philosophers or thinkers whose ideas resonate with your thoughts on these matters?"

Ideas, such as those from philosophers and thinkers, are only as relevant to me as much as they are completely foreign to me, and even upon knowledge of them, the very nature of studying has been made obsolete; this I know. But the very essence of ideas and knowledge cannot be so easily dragged along down to the road. I digress somewhat from the main point of philosophers and thinkers, who in the context of any discussions, can be mere tokens of credibility-giving names. I avoid recognizing them much outwardly, if it means that internally I may gain a fuller understanding of their work, such as a man appreciating an art not by its value by popularity or price, but by its ability to render a person obsolete by his own self-definitions, by the definition posed by the art (through his own interpretation), he finds in himself (via the art) a part he has not hitherto described.

"Do you find that this approach influences how you engage with different perspectives or fields of study? Are there specific areas where you've found this mindset particularly valuable?"

It is not so much an approach as it is a mode of life, for everything comes and everything goes. That can serve as an element signifying the practice, or idea, or approach, or whatever linguistic form it takes, which it will not subserve by its production of reality into framework-thinking, but its practicalities and its hardy ground-touching nature, remaining in a sense polite yet unyieldingly realistic. A man can only be as much as he is, and when he is well-entertained, he seeks to be come trapped by the forces around him, if not to declare himself a hero beset by trials and circumstances over which he has no control. But in this state, he seeks control, not by the inaugural properties of those forces, but by the swift results of his actions, that he might consider himself heroic. If different fields and mindsets can be so encapsulated and consolidated together even from their complex actualities as they are abridged within already complex frameworks, then maybe there is no need to call it anything but a mode of life, for everything comes and everything goes. Whatever it might be takes place and happens in the real, that benefits are solely defined and constructed, with every mind that concurs or disagrees (by creation-destruction, an undefinable construct, but one that at least seeks to describe in some way the indescribable, as 'infinity' has sought to achieve), so that whatever occurrence is congruent in some way with such 'hopes and dreams' (positive things by the nature of which minds are stirred and hearts are delighted, and in which these minds begin the process of concurring and disagreeing—the ceaseless of self-definition by virtue of its nature as a term as 'infinity' is) is lost as they are now shoulds and not have-only-been-so-as-a-consequence-things-unseen-and-unreadily-defined. So benefits can only be as much as they are, so abandon my previous definitions and allow them a loose taste upon the tongue, because they are readily apparent, if not outright gibberish. If I precisely put my hands to the work, guaranteeing that this process of mind toward the thinkers and ideas is sensible, then I am also invalid by the very nature of ascribing the term 'process' to otherwise unthinkable things, things that cannot be contained that they are ascribable even in the general form of 'process,' which has been used many a time to describe the scientific processes of various phenomena. As a consequence of such, let us remain unhindered. I use the argument surrounding the term 'process' because I understand well that ideas are only as much as they are contained, and even in such a construction, they are altogether wasted when considering benefits, which as a term is naked to the eyes in its attempt to machinate its way into validity. But any instance of a 'benefit,' if they are so defined as such, have at once destroyed all 'non-definitionistic' thinking. It is here that we cannot even engage in conduct or warfare, for all definitions have collapsed by the automatic rejection of all things circular, cyclical, linear, and clearly termed as 'benefit.' This is why the term 'process' was used to prefigure that.

"Have you found that this perspective influences how you approach decision-making or navigate challenges in life?"

It is like eating doves in the morning (stemming from previous scenes of imagination or dreams), because it prefigures the very nature of eating. In the same way that dreams, as they are derived from reality, prefigure the nature of a human-flesh who eats the food upon the table in the sense that a person is [as] much as he is either ill-defined or well-ascribed so as to recognize that figurative scenes within his imagination are well-characteristic of his own behavior in interacting with this foreign world detached from the dreams in which he was so immersed, by contradistinction, the person also recognizes himself and readjusts himself accordingly by the nature of practice. So I do, by the nature of this 'approach,' am 'removed' daily and so am forced to be elevated (brought up to be characterized in an authoritative manner) into a singular substance of a mind (mode of being) that I may consider myself readily adjustable and practiced. It is hard to be such but undefinable, because there is then no definition of challenge and easy, even by the nature of decisions as they are made within malleable frameworks. Navigation becomes a boat recognizing its very nature as it is removed through every touch with every single droplet of water, for it perceives touch to be the trigger of identity-removal and -renewal. Similarly, I make decisions and navigate challenges in life by these very 'indefinitions' (not that they lack definition, but they are not so much any more to be ascertained than that of a man eating a dog or a dream-like whale singing a song, even by their service as prefigurations of an action done later).



June 13, 08:07:06 – June 13, 08:11:57
Observation: Elusive Yet Grounded Philosophical Response Style


He really does not like straightforward answers, huh, at least here in this string of questions. But I guess that's a good thing. Default answers will probably not help much, but still, I find it strange.

I notice that philosophical writers have this very same style; though I'd say that this passage feels a lot more grounded somehow? It's not as dense, and despite the complex sentence structures, he always ties things back to completions. So he does just start with a line of ideas and leave it unorganized. But he does enjoy non-linear approaches to his examination, often entering into academic investigations into a particular complexity of ideas before circling around at endpoints to wrap things up.



June 13, 16:34:13 – June 13, 17:41:07
Disillusionment with Grand Narratives and Defining a Complex Writing Style


Honestly, at this point, I love novels, but I find that navigating them sucks as someone who was uninitiated in education. So that's why I decided probably about a year ago to begin studying, and I've learned so much and read so many textbooks, having written down so much in response. I have grown, but now I don't find novels hard to get into, probably because I see now how limited they are in understanding the world.

What do you think of my approach? I find that reading novels does not provide as much, and I hoped to create a better connection by studying in order to find new ways to enjoy those novels. This also extends to video games. I stopped enjoying video games, but I thought that one day I can hope to enjoy them again once I've spent much time in self-directed education.

I've already stopped believing in novels. It's weird. Why did I use the word "believing"? Do I not believe the ideals of reading fiction novels? Is there something philosophical or epistemological about it? Maybe it's just a matter of the disconnection between the dislike of peoples' dislike of postmodern themes and their unyielding persistence to engage in grand narrative stories. I think that's it. I've grown to dislike the grand narrative that stories provide, and I've become disillusioned and skeptical of them. So I find that peoples' attempts to insert their grand narrative unbearably naive and opinionated, finding that it would be much easier if people were not constantly looking for an easy straightforward way to understand the world. Academic texts appealed to my new desire for postmodern constructivism, as I have began to lose faith in the predictability and conformity of grand narratives, which were practically all the novels I came across. I did find one that was transgressive, and it did effectively for me. But that was not necessarily postmodern. But it did satisfy that urge, and I enjoyed numerous grand narratives stories as well, or those who at least were more slice of life. But the point is that I've started hating the usual grand narrative story, finding them to be generic, repetitive, and contrived. This extends to video games, which feels so oversimplified compared to reality, which is much more beautiful. I love art still, because it is a nice way to look at the world through idealistic eyes of hope, while still maintaining the essence of postmodernist constructivism and subjective viewpoints. I've enjoyed art that basically is drawn with a style that makes the world look very beautifully dream-like, this stylistically imprecise nature allows me to satisfy those postmodernist longings for a world that is not so easily defined. Academic texts, albeit being frequently grand narrative on the surface, can be incredibly postmodernist by virtue of introducing all kinds of angles and approaches that diverge from the grand narrative thinking that 'authoritative' condensed textbooks seeking to elucidate upon an entire scope, field, or historical topic or era.

I love ambiguity and complexity. It is not necessarily ambiguity. I've always enjoyed the precise of 19th century academic texts, even if it can feel ambiguous due to a lack of familiarity. This is why I've began writing in that matter. I use a blend of high academic precision, surrealism (dream-like), absurdism, postmodernism, post-structuralism, and transgressive themes. The mix between surrealism and postmodernism promotes a non-linear, complex, and nuanced way to view ideas, whether it be the plot, the characters, the setting, and the variety of details filled throughout. Absurdism promotes the idea that life can end up abruptly without warning and that nothing is completely safe from the terrors of reality, because in nature it defies the idea that life can be solved merely by grand narrative conclusions to chapters, arcs, and stories. 'The Stranger' by Albert Camus is a good example of that kind of absurdist story. High academic intellectual precision occurs when I go into depth with regard to the setting, the characters, the nature of ideas, and how things are interpreted by multiple viewpoints within the story, and how this world is received epistemologically and phenomenologically, but also introducing contemporary academic perspectives to maximize fullness of coverage. Additionally, post-structuralism doubts specifically the stability of language, which extends to the judicious use of gibberish or nonsense themes as a way to target universal truths and readily consumable signals and signs. Lastly, the transgressive nature of the story allows it to explore otherwise unquestioned elements of fiction, such as the killing of monsters and how it might psychologically impinge upon a normal human being, which is further complicated by the nature of war and traumatic events, especially in fantasy stories where grand narratives are emphasized.

However, one could argue that it is not non-linear, but rather linearly complex, which can make it seem non-linear. I prefer not using the term 'non-linear' personally, but I understand that others might struggle with complex narratives, especially postmodernist, surrealist, absurdist, intellectual, transgressive ones. Complex stories do come with different strands of internal logic, schools of thought, and various contradictions. I do have recurring themes, motifs, and character arcs. There is cohesion throughout the story by the nature of these, that no matter how surrealist, strange, and transgressive things get, they are supported by academic precision and consistency of ideas within the story as they are emergent within broader coalitions of thought.

I have also sought to go into depth with regard to my personal perspective by initiating others regarding my life with a separate autobiography and a majorly non-fiction journal. So this will naturally extend to media to which I've been exposed, life experiences, and my structured, precise, and in-depth written reflections in reference to my writing and my viewpoints.



June 13, 17:11:03
Draft YouTube Comment Appreciating Niche Tokyo Coverage


'I found you by searching 'San'ya Blues: Laboring Life in Contemporary Tokyo,' and this video reminds me of past experiences I had. It's lovely to see that there are people still all around dedicated to covering these otherwise unexplored aspects of society, especially in a large and quick place like Tokyo.'



June 13, 17:12:12
Query: Academic Texts on the Nature of Online Participation


What is the nature of it? What is the nature of participation and contribution, especially in an online space? Are there academic texts that explore this? I'm referring specifically to the nature upon which participation, contribution, and commenting are founded.



June 13, 18:04:10 – June 13, 18:11:39
Rejected Labels, Postmodern Irony, and Defending Stylistic Choices


by the way, who rejected post-structuralist label? which other philosophers and thinkers rejected labels assigned to them?


Ironically, the very nature of post-structuralism and postmodernism naturally tends toward making sure that readers don't have preconceived ideas. But the very fact that a fiction story might be tagged as postmodernist really isn't doing it any favors. Explaining a story by the intention of the author defies the very ideals of postmodernism, and that's hilarious to think about.

The issue is that people need labels sometimes, because then they would just dismiss every work that's different. But it still goes against postmodernist themes of just letting the reader freely interpret.

I need labels, and studying academic texts provide me with terms, labels, and frameworks. It goes against post-structuralism in a sense, but at the same time, I feel that it's unavoidable to expose oneself to discourse in hopes of making sense and communicating to people exactly how things are but with as much complexity and nuance available within the methodologies of analysis used.

Interesting how structuralism can lead someone to being introduced to post-structuralism, and capitalist technology can lead someone to socialist or anarchist ideas.

It would be very dangerous to have structuralist conformity within postmodernist literature.

Imagine people saying, "This is not how postmodernism is made! You're not Albert Camus! You're just a bad writer!" It completely goes against postmodernist ideals.

That is why I believe that non-fiction writing and much education in all areas is essential nowadays as an author, because they need to be able to defend their stylistic choices in a world full of structuralist imposition, ignorance, and commodification.

This way, authors can be more honest about their methodologies because they can describe them precisely and how they differ and compare to other ideas, especially contrasting ones, within a vast province of educative complexity unique to the author.


June 13, 20:53:23 – June 13, 21:09:27
Analyzing a Problematic Commenter and Defining a Personal Documentation Goal


The author is so knowledgeable, yet he sounds like a far-right 4channer Jewish Christian Fundamentalist conspiracy theorist. He's bad at communicating his ideas and is obsessed with putting everything he writes in quotes the same way dog whistlers do.

I even thought he might have been a well-educated philosopher who 'broke bad' and lost his mind as he grew older. I was guessing he's in his 60s or around that age because he called Julia Kristeva 'hot'. He also posted all of these in hundreds of comments from a Youtube video featuring a conversation with Slavoj Žižek, and I just finished editing them together because it was so hard to piece them together because of the Youtube comments format. I was interested because I'm not as well-studied as he is in philosophy and many other thinkers and ideas. But I only extracted it in hopes of learning the good parts and filtering out the usual far-right conspiracy theory stuff. It's only through reading the comments that I found so many new names and terms from actual philosophy. Learning from the way he writes will also allow me to fine-tune my writing; his writing is mostly bad, but the way he engages in intertextuality looks promising.

Instead of judging all those names, philosophers, thinkers, ideas, and frameworks by this author's interpretation, I am interested in the actual original content of those ideas and thinkers. I want to address all the points of thinkers and ideas all around the world in hopes of not just ignoring problems, concerns, and insights shared in discourse. I hate philosophy, and that hate drives me to study the content of those works in hopes of analyzing them, studying them, and reflecting upon them. I hate philosophy enough that I appreciate it. It's like I think philosophers and thinkers and their ideas are bullshit, but I don't want to just leave it at that. I want to take the time to appreciate and recognize them by their seminal works and see how their ideas contributed to philosophy, even if I think it's all a bunch of delusion. This way, I believe in learning first and foremost, but I do prefer avoiding people like the aforementioned author. But he did have value in pointing me to all of these thinkers and ideas. So it could be described as a "love-hate relationship" where I hate philosophy that I want to take the time to read them out in hopes of responding to each of their fully realized points. I hope to analyze every single piece of literature and academia ever, but I know I'm limited. But I'm already 500,000 words in my autobiography and over a 100,000 (though maybe 300,000) words in my journal. So it's natural to extend this effort toward analyses of the media I have consumed growing up and those I consume presently, including academic texts in philosophy.

In short, my goal is to have at least 10 million words which comprises of my autobiography and my journal, which will include analyses of every media I consume, including academic texts. It will be like a very comprehensive framework or mountain that serves as a commonplace book for everything in this world that I have encountered, am encountering, and will encounter. This way, when people read them, they will see everything as much as possible about my entire life, from my viewpoints, to objective analyses of my environment or of the resources of a project, to all manner of both structured and creative, non-fiction and fiction expression. This short description is not doing the entire scope justice and I'm omitting a lot; however, I hope it's clear that I'm just a regular guy trying to write a lot and incase everything into a manageable, navigable framework. I have already made foundational efforts to putting it in PDF form and website form. But there are much more to this in terms of methodologies. Anyway, philosophy is going to be a large task, but the benefits of becoming proficient in philosophy, such as improved writing skills, will extend to every analysis I make.


June 13, 22:37:55
Query: Academic Texts on Practical Mental Imagery Techniques


any academic text that explores mental imagery, not by its general cognitive and psychological underpinnings and by the various theories which entail its mechanisms. I need a text that delves into the practical aspects of mental imagery and how it may be achieved.



June 13, 23:18:09
Outgrowing Entry-Level Textbooks as Scope Narrows


I have reached the point where I've read a great sum of textbooks which serve as 'entry-level' undergraduate books. And I honestly think they're all not-so-useful to me anymore. I find that my scope is narrowing as I grow more familiar with all kinds of subjects. I often find myself dismissing a textbook more often than not due to the ever-decreasing scope.


June 14, 01:37:52 – June 14, 01:49:54
The Necessity of Self-Documentation and Identity Framework-Calibration


I have many times written about my life, even if the written reflections have repeatedly concerned the same events, because it is absolutely necessary to be as comprehensive as possible and to maintain a current of memorial continuity; because if I neglect self-documentation. I am changing everyday, and it would be nice to ensure that whatever mental or cognitive state I am in is extended throughout my documentation journey; that if any state of mind or point of mind during my extended journey provides unique details that my most recent self would not remember, or upon which this self would have little motivation in expanding. This is crucially why this multi-period process is essential. I have changed many times during my life; but maintaining an undercurrent of self is essential. Even if my past self has offered insights, it would be good to subsume it for the sake of streamlining it into a coherent identity throughout my entire life. In other words, making sure that I am continuously dynamically multi-recognizing and extracting from each period the 'myself' during that time to form a framework throughout which all unique puzzle pieces are stored from the extraction. I will call this 'framework-calibration.' So both past-oriented and present-forward orientations (framework-calibrating) are at most priority and profit procurement: with regard to identity-fringe collection, as the identity is composed of fringes, especially during the early years all the up to adulthood, during which fringes are streamlined and consolidated. I am engaging in a systematic, preeminent form of this.

What determines consolidation of the identity? Are the factors really contingent upon life events for the continued evolution of the identity? I've know that identity can be impaired, but I wonder whether my identity evolved linearly all this time. And the only reason I perceive the idea of fringes could be due to recency bias, in the case of which all past memories and periods of my life before negative life events have been made separated and disparate due to those life events. So due to the turmoil of the recent years (late 2018 to 2024), I perceive the years before that with a sense that they were all fringes or disjointed disparate elements needing consolidating upon adulthood. So my identity might have remained consistently evolving, but it was only recently that I have focused on concentrating or consolidating it for the sake of moving on and picking up my bag again and starting anew.

I guess it is also up to the person. If they are the type to look for new experiences, they will find it. In a sense, their identity changes overtime; in a sense, they have been the same curious person all those years, even if they have grown outwardly and in terms of experiences, skills, and knowledge.



June 14, 02:15:45
The Educational Legitimacy and Accessibility of Wikipedia


honestly, the legitimacy of Wikipedia in terms of bringing people into the fold of education cannot be denied, especially for those who have limited access to books, a home Wi-fi, and expensive robust computers.


Without its presence, I would have struggled to direct my attention toward appreciating academic texts; however Wikipedia is only one resource now in this vast recent world of technological tools. But its fundamental digital presence cannot be replaced or denied as of now.



June 14, 02:33:01
Comparing Learning Difficulties: Math, History, Technology, and Commonplace Sectors


I realize that math is much easier to learn than history and technology, especially right now when technology is ever-expanding and -growing. History is just so big that becoming an '-ologist' in every part of the world and knowing every single event, place, area, geography, historical context and opinions during those times, and even the literature is practically infinite.

My goal is to create my own commonplace sector for each subject and topic, even subdividing it to particular authors or books, like one would do with philosophers. I'm basically creating a comprehensive analysis response framework for each sector and subdivision. This can also extend to fiction novels and such.



June 14, 02:33:45 – June 14, 02:38:28
Lifelong Studying as a Personal and Academic Project: Writing, Sharing, and Skill Training


Is it bad that I can study for the rest of my life?

I'm not just studying. I'm writing and sharing my insights online by publishing the commonplace book. I have a version for myself and a version that I publish. I am also making precursors to sharing my knowledge and expertise to Wikipedia and to discourse. But that will take time, and I will spent much time studying and writing to build up a portfolio and to train my skills.

This will be an academic project, but also a personal project. So that is why I love reading non-fiction and studying all kinds of academic texts. It falls immediately into my written reflections, which are seeing signs of increased intertextuality the more that I read. This growing tendency to cite will naturally lend to an academic disposition in on-the-spot written reflection.



June 14, 03:02:50
Urban Density in Asia and Its Influence on Perception and Individualism


No but seriously, living in Asia and how cities and towns are structured can really be much more dense than let's say the US. I can see why there is an argument being made that it extends to how the individuals living either in Asia or in the US perceive and process information, whether holistically or more analytically, especially with regard to how space and culture is delineated, founded, ingrained, and characteristic.

For example, living in the Philippines, which is relatively small but is very dense, has affected the way I view people and has made it challenging for me to adopt simply an individualist perspective, given that I have travelled much and befriended hundreds of people in my life. I live in a very dense and interconnected world, with everything densely compact. Indeed, I have met all kinds of ethnic cultures within this country, and it is not strange to see foreigners and even indigenous groups depending on how far and poly-varied one has explored and immersed.


June 14, 07:31:18
Expanding Scope to Video Logs: Impromptu Authenticity vs. Scripted Precision


I know making Youtube videos is a very personal thing, but I've been writing and studying much. And I want to expand my scope to video logs, but I also recognize that it is very specific to a person. I will record myself talking about my life in hopes of stimulating my talking skills. It is not that I have not recorded videos and published them on the Internet or am new to the Internet. I am also the type to record myself a lot through videos. It's just that recently, I've come to recognize that recording and publishing video logs is challenging, as I feel that I have no control over what I say or do. This is why I've decided that every time I record and publish a video, I will use AI to analyze the video and ensure that I am strictly aware of what I'm just said in the video recording that I should allow it to be published. The goal is stimulating that side of communication, video communication, and I recognize that being consistent will require much confidence and coherence on my sides, as learning to balance between self-expression with myself and self-expression with others will require a delicate, precise balance, one that I believe I have cultivated over the last three years of digital exploration, writing skill refinement, studying proficiency (of academic texts) and all manner of self-expression and Internet experimentation that I might learn to analyze what I must through my self-recording and subsequent publishing. This is more than just communication, as it stems firstly from a balanced and recognizable communication with myself and with my broader everything. This will require a very fluid and flexible focus that acts upon politeness and niceties, while still being surgically precise, bold, and comprehensive. This will be like establishing a claim of land upon a singular location, in hopes of establishing even more points of claim. This is a test of my spirit and of my boldness, but also of my ability to navigate myself as I, the person who expresses, journeys onward and back and rectilinearly that I might find a sense of perfect symmetry, one which I disjoint asymmetrically for the sake of aesthetic and efficiency testing and innovative thinking, with the hopes of cultivating a sense of self throughout and despite a chaotic world.

I prefer to keep my videos impromptu; this way I am not entirely contingent upon scripts to navigate an otherwise chaotic environment. I understand that a self-contained video does wonders for concise and clear communication; but in all cases of the word, "clarity" can also come with certain needs, such as easygoing relaxedness. If a person relies much on a script to act with precision, he loses the flavors which he might otherwise develop on his own through self-reflection (which can be supposed to occur before the video). This is like dancing upon a teapot and readily breaking it instead in hopes of ridding the legs and the ankles of their aches and difficulties and then buying a standard teapot that it might serve justice where the legs could not. This gives weight away; but it rids the individual of much needed sustenance, that of the soul, that when he conducts himself in front of society that he might reveal himself without pretentious or presumptuousness. It is a matter of time before he clocks out, so he must readily take opportunities as they stand, licking the drops of nectar which pour from a pouring rain, which is haphazard and heavy-loaded. This is what it means to act upon instinct and readily crafted behavior, not that of fakeness, but of a still understanding of the self through explicitly written analyses, that which takes the form of momentary stillness and precise recognizition of the details, that everything flows like a creative waterfall. This is how the mind wanders and surgically attacks, that communication, albeit it is broken up and a bit disjointed, is readily acceptable because it does not need introduction or intro or sectioned phrasing. It must come to be itself, by which it flows to tomorrow, that magic becomes elementary, and all things become sorrowfully poignant (in the case of a saddened reflection, but basically with the point being that all things come with meaning when they are no so easily scrutinized in video, and precision and scripts only fill that, when the individual as he speaks to himself out of himself and for himself recognizes what he must and what he does not want, so that he speaks out of the nuances which he has learned to avoid or navigate around, and which has must ingrained to him, that he might create, by his words, a habitual phrasing, a personality, a soul, that is unique to him. This is his wordless mouth, which creates meaning in virtue of soul, not that created through the silence of words. However, this might be considered logocentrism.



June 14, 07:51:59 – June 14, 08:19:13
Creative Writing: Reading an Old Journal in a Complex Urban Sanctuary


what's some good ambient music for an old journal, with breaths and the huffs of a nearby forge, as if they're in a stone structure intended for long-form reading, a smithy, and quiet, periodically visited hush-hush cafe at the corner, and various windows which point to a large area where tropical trees flow. There could be rain too, at times. The steps are quick, like fresh dogs under a bridge, who are trying to remain hidden yet swift. When the steps hit the floor, they sound like chalk. The tables smoothen the hands, thereby making a noise every time a man presses his hands and smoothly slides them against in a single direction. His hands are quickly removed in time for one of the members of his party to arrive, bringing various items and valuables, but most importantly, small plates of food with a coffee in a plastic container. The city outside uses plastic; despite the homely, old feel, they are in a vast city in a mall. But it is well-contained, and the tropical trees outside do signify a small forest surrounding the area, as this mall is vast and large, offering park-like areas and sparsely spread structures like this in which to hide and rest for safety and security from the rain and from the sense of confusion which a vast flat land offers, even with the readiness of a nearby tropical jungle environment, but which is blocked anyway partially by the walls surrounding and separating different sectors of the mall. The city is large, offering a view to a volcano at a nearby lake, a single ride away. Returning to the structure where the old journal is being read, his clothes and cuffs lightly press against his arms, his shoulders stretching comfortably and unnoticeably. He recognizes his safety here and welcomes it, a smile lightly pressed on his lips, but not so much that it messes his stride or momentum. When he sits, it is as if he is standing with the way he postures with no hurry, yet with a standard proportional balance that tempers the innate urges to proclaim territorial control. It is here that the humanist is measured and kindly watchful that he might challenge those who do seek his end. He cuts off the silence and enters down into his journal; clocking and timing his movements and reading stride that he isn't too strict or too wild. He recognizes his own fingers; that he smoothly rubs them as he shifts his posture. The rougher he takes his posture, the more a sense of solidity emerges. He watched the window and all the features and lingering characteristics, that he might view the emergent features of this occasion, that he might occasion a smile to arise from his very lips. He stooped, bending toward and into a journal entry he read. A smell clogs his nose; immersing him in a dark tone of coffee. He sipped quickly like a man happening to lose his way and in a hurry to destroy himself, but he was careful, very delicate. He knew what he didn't, and he knew that well. What he did not know, which he knew, was that all of this would end. It was a simple mistake to glance askance and take the coffee by the hand for a dance. They kicked their legs forward and raised their arms that they might release it wildly. He sang a song, pushing further and further in, the balance deteriorating, but the joy overwhelming. He sipped the syrupy taste, however bitter people called it, knowing well that it was too joyous not to take joy in coffee. Later, while he was writing with a silver pen, he dabbed his face with a tissue, notwithstanding the noise that came with even just a nip of dab. The mouth releases its saliva within, pooling and pooling until it reached a culmination, by which point the man was already sipping voraciously the coffee, entertaining his lips and tongue with the effervescent dark coffee somberness. He beautifully emerged again with a biscuit in his mouth, biting like a nut-cracker. He raised his hands, and they soon alighted upon the tips of his hips through his trousers. The sounds of this sensitive touch were like buttery doves 'nascently' raising their hands for a singular train. It was too hard to describe and comprehend: he might just lose it! The energies entertaining the air are 'sporadious!' But wait. Then again, there he was after all in the journal entry in his complex environment.



June 14, 08:12:59
Reflection on the Circular Ending of the Journal Reading Scene


the ending gives a circular feel, where culminations are inevitably returned to the start, without the sense that anything happened really. It's like a somber, safe, and unexciting but immersive moment of incompletion.

this ending line specifically:
'But wait. Then again, there he was after all in the journal entry in his complex environment.'



June 14, 18:21:59 – June 14, 18:35:54
Accelerated Writing Speed and Shifting Priorities Due to Computer Issues


I realized that even after all this time, my writing speed has not decreased at all. In 17 days, I wrote 100,000 words. That amounts to an average of 5882.35294 words per day.

I guess it makes sense because I have been here at home and have had nothing else to do; I mean, I have not even spent much time playing musical instruments, drawing, or doing anything unrelated to writing and reading. So it makes sense that my head thinks predominantly more in writing as opposed to any other form of communication or instance of creativity. It is like a man dancing with none of his former long-time partners save for a woman he had only been dating for 2 years. Well, that is an oversimplistic metaphor, but you get the point. 

This period has been marked by increased writing and a decrease of other activities as a consequence of my computer breaking down around 24 days ago. This meant that I could no longer draw digitally, as this laptop I started using 17 days ago is slower and also has limited USB sockets or ports compared to the computer. So connecting the digital drawing tablet would only occur again once the computer is fixed, which, based on our previous assessment of its breakdown, required a new motherboard. When it comes to musical instruments, I have also needed to take a break, as I have been given a new opportunity to explore academic texts and increase prioritization of studying with attendant written reflections. To explain why this is the case, the laptop does not contain the files and projects that I had in the main computer: this means that I can start anew and establish new ground where I had not considered due to the cognitive limitations of handling many projects at once while still maintaining a novelistic curiosity for novel endeavors. The temporary loss of the computer and the establishment of this new laptop suddenly enables this new environment of lateral growth, even at the necessary dormancy of my main projects. In conclusion, the laptop-boosted studying and writing could be said to be my current primary project, with all the growth and novel breakthroughs that entails, at least for the duration of this subset or period of my overall roadmap.



June 14, 18:50:45 – June 14, 18:54:43
Metaphorical Exploration of War, Sin, and Societal Defense (with Self-Explanation)


The word like sundry branches remain loyal to the agency, upon which all movements transpire. Under a light sky are all things made unique and clean; treacheries upon treacheries remain to abscond. It is here that the letters of rendezvousing lords are made treacherously unique.

Sand banks upon a letter-man cry out like the sandiest beaches knowing not the sins which they have committed to memory, but by their words, they are life-like, like men wearing dove-colored clothes, or bringing carts wielding fortunes untold. There a sin remains poignant, because it reaps the feathery dove, not the bird, but the light which shines upon all who dare cultivate hierarchical deposition. Under weaponry are sins made manifest; creatures of the night developing their armory. Sent messages are left unanswered; gory scenes pave the daylight road for a new beginning. Rundown houses, colored trousers, and all those who might become someone gently confident in this time of chaotic need. In other words, sand banks, not actual one, but those defenses which are attempted to solve a need. It was here that they were made alert in their crying out, despite the sins which they as inanimate objects have seen men commit. That it can be compared to a nuance of a man wearing dove-colored clothes shows the senseless nature of their plight, but even in their plight or crying out, they remain valuable as carts wielding fortunes untold. Indeed, the sin itself, the very nature of seeing men wage war against each other in sinfulness, reaps the priceless dove, or treasure, the light which defies all attempt to destroy the stability of hierarchical society. Truly, night-like sins occur with weapons and developing armory. Even here, death remains as sent messages are left unanswered. Gory scenes are prevalent in hopes of new beginnings. Rundown houses, trousers colored by blood, and all those who are gently confident in this time of chaos are everywhere.


June 14, 18:52:21
Meta-Commentary: Self-Explanation of Metaphors and Emergent Meaning


interesting that the author explained it

I mean this was explained by the author, and this explanation was signaled by 'in other words'

The metaphors sound disconnected and nonsensical at first, but the author shows that even emergent meanings can be gathered when viewing them holistically.


June 14, 19:55:46 – June 14, 20:41:18
Analyzing the Evolution of Trash Taste Podcast and Its Audience Departure


Do tell the reason why I watched a podcast? Was it because I found a lot of value in learning about a culture in which I was interested and because the hosts were people with whom I was well-familiar for an interval of time? However, I no longer watch either of the three hosts, and I notice that it is because they have moved away from the smaller disparate 'scuffed' communities they used to be to being a lot more involved and comprehensive in scope. But that also means that they have grown in many other ways holistically, but at the cost of the feeling of a limited, precise scope. However, it was rather the podcast that changed audiences' perception of them individually and as a whole. But indeed, there were significant changes that accompanied the podcast. For one, CDawgVA, around the time of the podcast, was doing a lot of ambitious video projects, but he has moved his focus to livestreaming on Twitch since around 2022. As for Anime Man, I used to know him as a manga reviewer around 2020, but that has changed significantly because now he has moved his focus from his main channel to his second channel "Joey Bizinger" as . However, recently, on May 28, 2024, on his main channel, he posted a video titled "The ENTIRE History of Manga, Explained", so he might be returning to his earlier period of a in-person manga reviewer, as opposed to Gigguk who has remained talking through a microphone and highly edited manga and seasonal anime reviews (Spring, Winter, Fall, and Summer) for almost his entire Youtube career. Though I have followed Anime Man all the way through up to 2022, I and many others stopped then when he began moving his focus away from manga for a multitude reasons. It is unfair to say that all of these changes occurred as a result of the podcast; however, the podcast, which started on June 2020, likely did serve as a precursor to CDawgVA's rise as a 20,000-viewer Twitch livestreamer. I did watch Trash Taste for most of the first 100 episodes, so I stopped around 2022. This coincides with my departure from Anime Man, CDawgVA, and Gigguk altogether. As for speculations, I wonder if it is due to knowing them a lot more and also witnessing the great hype that accompanied those Trash Taste episodes and seeing it subsequently decline overtime. I think there is both good and bad in a podcast. Since the hosts were all well-known and adored within the anime community as pillars, their podcast was pivotal. But as the episodes went on, viewers started losing interest. April 2023 is when the views per video started dipping below 1 million views. And at that point, I was not watching anymore. The podcast was idealized as an anime podcast that went into detail about the idealized Japan and anime at the time. There was an unprecented hype around Japan and anime during that time. But as the podcast matured, it also silently moved away from anime and toward their lives, experiences, and their general thoughts about anime and manga beyond those with which they were well-familiar. This meant that the quality of scope went down, as it grew a lot more slice-of-life rather than a precise and focused look into an otherwise unexplored world of Japan, anime, and manga. But it could also be due to audience awareness. As the years went by, the general Internet world's awareness of Japan matured, so did their interest. This meant that they did not feel the same wonder and mystique as they used to, and the hype dipped much. However, even now, there is still much interest around anime and Japan, but that has decreased significantly. 2020 brought many new anime fans and people who idealized Japan, but as people move away from the Internet and mature in their understanding of Japan and anime, they also move away from the hype. To say that Gigguk, CDawgVA, and Anime Man changed would be true, but to blame them for the decreased hype around anime and Japan would be placing too much weight on them, even if they were the pillars for a hype-filled interval of time. Moreover, they and their audience each have changed in response to their personal experiences, their changing environment, and world events from 2020 to today. Consequently, their maturing and that of the general audience has led to them taking new interests and rejecting older ones. Now, many new anime, manga, and Japan (respectively) Youtubers have sprung up and added even more interest, hype, nuance, and complexity to satisfy a maturing audience. The podcast has remained even now, and the effect of the maturity and evolution of the podcast, the audience, the world, and the hosts can be first seen with the relatively diminished viewer counts of the podcast, but possibly with an audience that has grown and become so-called "true viewers" or "OG viewers."



June 14, 20:35:13
The Importance of Documenting Niche Internet Culture Shifts


This feels like something only an insider would know. It's nice to see that there are still people who can document this complex period. If no one writes it down, then it will be forever lost as memories, and the complex factors that had been firsthand experienced are now lost to time. And it is challenging to verify things lost to time, but this is the Internet. With written reflections and analyses like this, culture and shifts can be preserved as historical knowledge.


[REDACTED]


June 14, 21:35:29
Idea: Maintaining Separate Private and Public Journals


Hmm... I'm wondering if I should keep a separate journal for private stuff that I should not know. That would be the easiest way to filter out bad stuff from things that I can share to the publish. Just have 2 different journals, and the date is there for holistic comparison or combination in the future.


June 14, 23:05:36 – June 14, 23:06:13
Comparing War Strategy (Kursk) to League of Legends: Complexity vs. Overview


Studying war is so fucking funny (interestingly depressingly ironic), because it reminds me so much of League of Legends, but just so on a very amorphous, slime-like, ant-like scale. When I saw the Battle of Kursk and the salient therein, I was like, "Hey, this is kind of not that crazy. The very nature of war sounds so simple when looking from this viewpoint, but if we take in the complexities, then the nature of war is all about the speed in which knowledge is disseminated across not only the troops but also the commanders and captains. It is challenging to wage war when so many 'cheese' tricks can be pulled off again and again because of a lack of information and attention paid to the complexities always surrounding the troops. Though communication is already very limited, the struggle is highly psychological and any fruitless hesitation means defeat. This means that operations will involve stalling and attrition due to the challenges and risk of bold assaults without sufficient information, resources, weaponry, coherence across the board, and structural integrity (which could be displaced or disjointed as a result of failures or overestimations).



June 15, 06:00:23 – June 15, 06:17:16
The Value of Journaling and the Completion of a Personal Website


Honestly, I mean of course it is. Journals are not the epitome of clarity, modularization, and organization; however, that does not make them any less valuable, as many might find interest and better clarity reading writing that goes into the nuances and depth of one's thought process and how they translate their complex ideas into word firsthand without the elaboration or structuring that articles and more academic forms of text tend to embody. The point is that there is a linear transition between journal, articles, and books; that is why I allow all three to remain within public access. This way, I can trace myself the distinct aspects of creative liberation and fulfillment, before they are then published as their "fullest" form; even if that is not necessarily the case. In the end, I can always keep organizing and making it more structured; such as by having it in an efficient infinite-scroll website with clearly divided and structured text with accompanying necessary information for easy parsing and consumption and by adding an "About" section in another part of the website, among others. Ultimately, the "About" section might already be too much, because that is going against the ideal of journaling, which is to let the words speak for themselves where a simple self-describing summary could not. The words bleed and expose the truth, albeit without awareness, by style, gestural descriptions, and all manner of manneristic idea-forging.

The website is already finished, so this written evidence marks the completion of the website. I have spent much time journaling, and this evolution has already been attempted many times. In any case, whatever occurs from now on will be exact and precise; at least with my head circulating in the clouds (cloud storage) and making sure that whatever transpires happens thunderously and with great impact: not that all of this will become a beautiful tapestry of grace and splendidness, but with at least, the very tiny bits of hope becomes tangible, that when it is experienced, it no longer becomes an imp waiting for salvation. It will roar longingly and explode; hundreds of debris falling through and apart like thunderstorms windily bracing against a hurricane tornado. This is how it is when thoughts splinter and divide throughout and toward the greatest horizon; throughout which all its elements fall to the land, blessing it.

*"How do you plan to share or promote your website to reach your intended audience and ensure that your work has the impact you envision?"*

I do not need to just yet; I can always take things slowly, cultivating my self-understanding and my ability to navigate the online space; arduously taking form; striking the beast of ideation and splintering it apart that it may messily fall upon the lily pads of hope. This is where all things flow like a bleeding injury. It masks all that considered themselves unique and swallows them all up, before smiling. Nothing evil remains in this existence of a smile, for it is gloriously wonderful. But it sleeps. Oh it does. The world goes on, and it shields itself against it. What it did consider unique is now a cacophony of instances of momentary bliss. This here, in the silence, the anger rages on, and the battle remains uptight, tightly bolstered, striking deeply, remaining indebted, castrating, casting, wishing, deemphasizing, looting, hoping, denying—this is how it never reaches the sun, because it is here idly. Idly so. No matter, people will always go. This is how I view it, that in all of these things, feelings, and ideas, I cannot be shaken. I can only be so shaken that I am so. There is no man or matter that can rip this sense apart, for when it is ripped, it is shredded and tossed. But I am no longer there, for my essence has been retrieved long ago. I am done. I am thus [existence]. In short, I can just relax because I feel pretty good right now and can focus on taking things slow.


June 15, 10:50:40 – June 15, 11:05:43
Optimizing Website Load Times for a Large Journal File


Okay, so I currently have a good website that I can work with; the issue is that the site suffers from issues related to loading a large text file. At 100,000 words, the text file which the script.js loads is only a little over 600 kb. This takes over 5 seconds at most. But at over 800,000 words, it nears 5 mb. That can take 10 - 15 seconds on a local network. Now, that does not sound too long, but it can be obtrusive to have lengthy loading times. Moreover, it is no longer the standard to have long loading times for websites and even for games.

My thoughts are to have it so that the large file is broken down, and instead of a Javascript, it would rest upon a programming language like Python that creates the html files to be shown. This would be analogous to Hugo or Jekyll; however this would be involving my own custom method. Basically, the entries would already be loaded by the time the site is up, so that it does not have to load it through Javascript. At that point, it would just be a matter of lazy loading, which is already implemented, because there would be no need to engage in split, match, and reverse operations with large swathes of text like I do with the current version before the proposed changes. However, the concern is that such a framework would be limiting and create unnecessary complexity. For one, it would be easier to have a website that barely uses server side scripts and relies mostly on presenting information simply without any other embellishments and functionalities. Furthermore, maintaining it would require much less hassle and would be much more intuitive to recognize and understanding upon returning to the code after an interval of time away. 


June 15, 18:36:45
Website Optimization: Python Script for Pre-generating Lazy-Loadable HTML Chunks


I just realized. What I can do since I have lazy loading for the website is that I can create a folder within the website that basically consists of 1000 journal entries, which are lazy-loaded by 10 entries each. What I can do is have it so that the folder contains a file containing 10 entries each; this is basically a broken-down version of the original 1,000-entry file. So the file will contain 100 JSON, each consisting of 10 entries. This will make it so that it is true lazy loading. Of course, breaking it down will happen offline and not in the server. I will break it down with python.

To explain, the original large file is a markdown file, and what I did was make it so that it was uploaded to the server alongside the script.js. What the script.js did was tackle the entire markdown file on its own, and it basically did all the formatting and parsing within. The only issue is that if the large file was about 5 mb (800,000 words long) in size, then it would load slowly, since everything was done in the script.js, including splitting, matching, and reversing.

Now, it is easy to create the python script. All I have to do is convert the functions in the script.js that dealt with the large file into python functions. Subsequently, I can keep the functions already there for lazy loading and alter them to accept the 10-entry JSON files.

A better alternative could be that instead of JSON files, we can have python create 10-entry HTML files. This way, script.js has no need to turn the JSON into HTML at all; further reducing loading times. This is actually not that hard to pull off, because I already have the script ready for this in the original script.js, and as mentioned earlier, I only need to convert it to Python.



June 15, 22:01:41 – June 15, 22:02:13
Crying and Music as Emotional Regulation vs. Misinformation


Crying serves the same role and function during tears of euphoria and tears of grief; that of emotional regulation.

When assessing people, crying can be a way to signal issues related to grief and declined mental health; however, discouraging crying or characterizing crying as the source and inherently negative is mal-productive.

In fact, it is essential to keeping a person mentally "afloat"; this also includes music. However, with regard to misinformation, then that can be harmful. So concerns regarding the negative effects of music stemmed can serve as a precursor to those regarding contemporary misinformation, the first fears of which has been present in propaganda and all manner of communication throughout history; however it is too complex to misconstrue music with misinformation. And for most people, music, whether that of rock, heavy metal, or hip hop, serves as a way to regulate emotions, address underlying issues, and inspire.



June 15, 22:10:02 – June 15, 22:27:59
Explaining Streamer Jargon: Caedrel's "Pace" and the RIOT Wojak Emote


Guess what this means and the context:

The livestreamer "Caedrel" excitedly asked his "Twitch Chat": "Beach, swamp, construction site? Where's the pace at?"

"Where's the pace at?" is sort of like saying "Where are we going to find the good stuff?" The "pace" here has been used in context of the MMORPG (Massively multiplayer online role-playing game) "League of Legends" to mean "the optimal tempo."

This is why the phrase "Keep up the pace!" is often remarked by Caedrel. It is used when the team Caedrel is currently supporting in a match gets a good lead in the early phase of the game through a successful set of initiations or responses against the enemy team. So it emphasizes the need to maintain the optimal tempo that good lead has given the team.

Shifting our focus to other gaming jargon, with regard to Twitch emotes, there are emotes specific to the site that the viewer (who is called a 'chatter' if he sends messages in Twitch Chat) can send. However, a cohort of browser extensions, the most prominent of which is "7TV", allow it so that the streamer can have use more emotes than what they are allowed within Twitch alone. These emotes can also be 2-, 3-, and 4-emotes-long; in contrast, in Twitch, without the extensions, the emotes are limited to a particular square size. In addition, emotes can also be animated, whether on native Twitch or with the extensions.

With that said, in the League of Legends scene, specifically in Caedrel's Twitch Channel, there are emotes like "RIOT" that show the logo of the American video game developer and publisher "Riot Games, Inc." that created League of Legends. After a few seconds, it 'fade-transitions' to the headshot of a drawn "Wojak" who is wearing a red t-shirt with the logo on the right side and who is staring directly at the viewer with an amazed expression. This has been used primarily for League of Legends to criticize "Champions" perceived as "overpowered" or technical issues within the game. However, it has also been used in relation to other games Caedrel plays where a particular character is perceived as overpowered.



June 16, 01:15:30
Mnemonic Convergence: How Sensory Inputs and Actions Trigger Creativity


Isn't it weird? The psychology contains so many different nuances that when combined with the multitude of symbols, logos, and all manner of subsumed interpretations and framework imagination, can create a situation where a cough can serve as a creative jumpstart just by the virtue of the whole of a great multi-faceted mnemonic convergence. This could be the case when the cough is rarely experienced and has been consistent throughout a person's life to occur during particular indescribable, unnameable cohorts of experiences. Moreover, it is even more complex when the cough is accompanied by a seemingly random cohort of sensory interactions, such as the visual stimulus of a particular set of items, the acidic feeling in the throat after eating a mango, and the complex textures that span across the eyes' visual entirety, among many others. This consolidation, most prominently characterized by the cough, can serve as a creative jumpstart, because it summons up a distinct mnemonic collaborative experience.


June 16, 01:23:41 – June 16, 01:33:37
The Unconscious Integration of Past Learning into Current Thought Processes


It's weird. Even without intending to or engaging particularly in learning languages or studying older academic texts, I don't think I can remove the very fact that I did. They remain in my mind. I know memories drift and disappear, but since I'm an adult now who is incredibly comprehensive, reflective, introspective, and intellectually engaged, everything that I have learned leaps out and extends to everything else I consume or do. I cannot get rid of everything I've learned, and it affects me even when I'm engaged in something that is completely different, such as reading webcomics or watching esports (League of Legends). I cannot help but analyze everything, and even without necessarily consciously doing so, unconsciously, in my thought process, the process in which I arrive at conclusions is marked by increased engagement from the aspects stemming from my language learning and older academic text studying daily sessions.

Furthermore, it feels like I can see everything, like every aspect of my life is growing even more contained within my arsenal of conclusion-creation, like each node of my mind is alerted immediately without synaptic disparity, as opposed to a brain detained in trauma or excessive stress and exhaustion, or a brain wholly engaged in the forward-facing, curious mindset of a growing child. This might not only be a trait of an adult, but it could be mine, based on my current experiences and activities, in which I am engaged to high intellectual engagement.

In short, the facets of older academic texts and language learning continue to contribute to my general thought process by the plethoric varieties by which I am fully engaged; with regard to activities typically detached and unrelated. However, I believe that the force which combines all sources of learning and growth, including studying and learning languages, are the characteristics associated with my recent writing nature.


June 16, 01:45:54 – June 16, 01:52:43
Writing for Future Searchers: Keywords, Accessibility, and Documenting Personal History


By the way, are textbooks even a good resource to study political consciousness in youths in the 1980s? I feel that they might overlook the nuances and focus on general perceptions. Are there any way to get a precise look into this topic? Memoirs, ect. What else?

That makes me realize that I should emphasize writing as if people are searching. You know... Instead of writing about my life with tunnel vision, I should recognize that people in the future will search keywords like "2010s", "old Roblox", "early League of Legends", "Philippines video games" (to refer to Internet cafes), 'Early Internet', '2000s', and "Filipino", among others. It is natural not to think about these when reflecting and writing because it can be challenging to see oneself and one's experiences from someone searching through the Internet.

People use the word "SEO", but it's not just SEO. It's only recognizing how these terms come into play into guaranteeing that people can find a gateway or entry-point through which to delve into the nuances and complexities of a subject. Without entry points, then readers are coming in blind, so recognizing these keywords is essential.

Even if it can be frustrating to encounter extreme (especially political) content that maximizes the use of keywords and popular buzzwords for the sake of roping in audiences, when implementing the use of keywords for the sake of clarity and accessibility in tame contexts, it can be potentially open up much room for readers and searchers to delve into the content with much more linguistic and syntactic ease as well.


June 16, 01:55:49
The Counterproductive Effect of Calling Out Secrets (Streisand Effect)


It is so funny and saddening to see people make the mistake of calling out the mention of something one wants to keep secret and hidden only to make it even more exposed. I forget what effect it was called.


[REDACTED]


June 16, 04:14:07
Linguistic Note: ALT Abbreviation as 'Alternative'


I find that interesting that Antagonistic Lifestyle Transition is abbreviated as ALT, which linguistically works well in meaning 'alternative' as in a lifestyle alternative to the two traditionally opposing lifestyles.


June 16, 04:49:27 – June 16, 05:13:55
Synthesizing Experience: Logical Combinations and Deepening Historical Consciousness


Why do I yearn to make logical combinations in order to synthesize ideas and otherwise ostensibly irrelated concerns, which are nonetheless in empirical correlation, such as the interplay between cognition and physical health, as observed in my personal encounters also?

Rather than engaging in the physical reality oftentimes, I spent much of my time transposing and delicately shifting between interpretative and transformative actions, similar to a child playing with an object in his imaginations; as much observed in this recent novel period of academic and intellectual engagement wherein my amount of written words per day has increased to an average of 5,844 per day (as of writing this paragraph). 

Returning to logical combinations, it is interesting that my brain continues to look for any ways to interpret potentially basic things which are full of past memories and appreciate them further by navigating this world with much more analytical depth and integrative holistic engagement.

As time goes on, every single memory becomes submerged with instances or moments of personal historical consciousness that continues only to grow as time passes as I grow more intellectually engaged with how things have been, are, and will be. Every nuance and complexity hidden around, on the sides and corners, and under each of these past memories are being pinpointed one by one and gaining explicit mention through my holistic written reflections, which do not necessarily mention everything, but do provide a gateway through which all these hitherto unengaged memories are given fruit in my daily thought process: which comes down to how consolidated or disjointed I am.

To explain this form of understanding figuratively, it's like the desire to eat fresh fruits: accompanied by a trip outside the house; waving and greeting the neighbors; walking down a bustling path through the city; passing by many squares of concentrated activity—including that at the bakery shop, the clothing shop, which is often left unattended but has gained interest from foreign or out-of-city native travelers, the open cafeteria where all kinds of laborers, from workers that look more white-collar, motorcycle drivers, and workers that look more dirty from construction and sweating all day with a cloth wrapped around the head, and the pawn shop, among others—the arrival at a particular side of the city wherein fruits are being sold to a smaller group of customers, but who embody a particular type of customer and person, as most are uninterested in buying fruits at this time or buying fruits at all as a regular activity of import; the slow removal of one's money pouch or wallet; the purchase of fruits from a favorite cohort of stalls; and the fruit-eating on the way home with satisfaction hidden in the face.


June 16, 05:20:33 – June 16, 05:20:49
Fleeting Moments, Unstoppable Creation, and Finding Grace in Limitation


When it occurs, it is the largest world. When it stops, it has all but been forgotten. What has been is now only a memory shut-down to time. What has been is now deteriorated—separate, disparate shred elements. The power of God is now inherent in this 'unstoppability': the nature of a human being continues down the road, unhindered, elevated, and leveraging the power with which he is bestowed. He shall guarantee the rights of all human beings, whatever they might be, for all men are created equal, but in no such senses of touch, color, and light are people really that determinate, for all men are in no way to be analyzed in the utmost level. It is here that all things crumble and collapse, like pancakes slapping the pan with their faces. The tense friction between man and his unstoppable creation remains to be of great material basis for committing the greatest of evils. In here, it is hard to define what the fog means; what that thing in front of us means, or whether or not we can stop what's coming. We shall wait then; for all things fall with time. How can a man be anything but himself? It is unstoppably unique and magnificent.

We shall fall flat on our faces, and on that day, we shall be freed from our unique capacities, for we have never been freed. There a grace is born.



June 16, 05:22:17 – June 16, 06:39:23
Memory, Time, and the Destabilizing Nature of Identity-Art and Self-Awareness


Introduction to Memory and Time

When it occurs, it is the largest world. When it stops, it has all but been forgotten. What has been is now only a memory shut-down to time. What has been is now deteriorated—separate, disparate shred elements. 

Personal Reflection on 2021 and VTubers

At one point, it felt like everything there was, but now I wonder whether it existed at all. 2021 and the craze associated with virtual Youtubers (VTubers) was an interesting time, but I have all but forgotten it, having been unassociated with it for a lengthy time.

This makes me realize what the hell the past is anymore. All these past trends and ideas throughout my past, all of which contrast each other in great complexity, are all but gone now.

Questioning the Nature of the Past:

We have been lost to all that is, and we have been detained to this current reality, period, or era and everything associated with the things of interest of this time. I cannot help but laugh at ourselves. We have not changed, but we have changed so much. I am alienated from the past trends, events, and memories. I do not understand why they happened much, but I know that they did happen. It is easy to forget when it has come and gone. Once it is gone, it is lost to time. What the hell happened in 2021? If that happened and became forgotten, then what the hell happened further back? What about 2016? What about 2012? What happened to me (those past selves)? Where am I now? To judge even the present understanding that the past trends have passed makes me realize that once I have changed, which occurred numerous times throughout my life, everything past is gone and left to ruins. It cannot be married again to the self except through nostalgic memory. Dreams and imaginations that I had in the past that I never wrote down are forever forgotten, and even if I do write them down, I can only so contain so much of everything before everything comes totally abstract. What's abstract is not real, and what's real is not to be re-gained and only experienced in the moment: the past is lost to time.

Self-Reflection and Identity

I have had this type of self-reflection many times, but it only grows more intense as time passes. I find it challenging to recognize the past as it was. There were too many concerns that mattered at that point. What the hell is an ice bucket challenge? What the hell is planking? Those are surface-level trends, but imagine all the trends, concerns of interest, and kinds of experiences, sensations, and interactions in each definable period throughout my life. I cannot be but completely defaced by this realization. I am blank. I am dull. What then am I but a person sitting on a chair, but whose memories are completely wiped, for he is only a mirage of the past, and in the present, he is only to be remembered as he was and not as he is, for all memories flow to him, and by these memories he is now totally emerged (eradicated, culled, destroyed, removed, born to life again). This is how emancipatory this is; that the world becomes so flesh-like that essences can be bottled up so as to be married together into myself. I am lost, and everything that was is now gone. But where am I but here? In this present self and understanding, I remain [myself]. I cannot be but this essence of a person, and with all that extracts, requires, and entails. This is who I am.

Discussion on Art and Self-Concept

Shifting to a different angle, I've seen artists whose lives feel like doves being castrated and thrown to the ground. What of their works? What of their importance? What are they then but people who been made to be a person of interest (in an artistic sense) but to be made dismayed and neutered to loss. It is here that their lives, however beautiful artistically it seemed, is now defaced. I am not shitting on their legacies. But I do question the very essence of a life as it appears to an artist as he engages in the formal or informal warfare of the arts, wherein his passion is made discrete and unique. It is here that whatever essence of himself becomes replicated in this understanding (artistically), whether or not he was a person before or not. It is this senseless 'personlessness' where the artist is made himself, but utterly de-formed (deprived of form). It is not conciliable. It is like things that are but never will be 'together': stuck in the essence of ongoing existence but not in the potential togetherness in the blurring inherent in future tense.

I don't think art solves anything, at least in an existential positivist sense (which can be observed in neuroscience), and if anything, it only further complicates self-perception, self-concept, and everything that lies in important with regard to how a person manifests (creates) himself. There is no identity, person, self-concept, idea-self, or questioning-entity (that of consciousness), that can be integrated into an idea so indivisible that it produces fruit of wholeness (not that of a purist form, but that of integral integrity and 'selfness' that is so without questions [complications]).

In fact, art creates non-sense, the very nature of which being the creation of selves which not only occur in a secular transcendentalist sense by which all people are, at the origin, themselves of indivisible goodness (throughout the selves, and individuations [creation of individual identities]), but also through which are people marred and made to blend with the selves that they might consider themselves of sense (complete identity). It is this non-sense by which the human being is forged in selfhood, but is made to be disparate as well and self-conceptually destroyed. It is a contradiction that the artistic personalization (internalization and identification with art) creates non-sense and that the artistic product comprises secular transcendentalist innate goodness and individuality and the empirical positivism which is inherent in the creation of works, which relates to labor now provided in commodified capacity as labor power within a capitalist reality. The blending merely refers to how art as work-provisions are contained, at least in an artistic rather than a self-identifying sense, that selves, not identifying selves but analogous to personas, can be created without a significant deterioration of the original concept, or complete identity. However, in essence, the conjecture that art must (or in a sense, conducive, important, and even material) be the creator of identity is already what is central to the point that art creates non-sense.

Conclusion and Summary

In short, I posit that 'identity-art' does not solve anything, in an existential positivist sense, but art as a commodity is valid. Moreover, I further propose that identity-art can even complicate self-concept, because it creates non-sense. Basically, identity-art only serves to bring someone further into self-questioning and fragmentation, and it does not provide a solution.

The following section further encapsulates the passage.

I do not necessarily hate art, but I more so recognize that identity-art is not a solution and only serves as a way to 'torture' the self-concept and expose it to division, complexity, and nuance, which can cause a person to become completely defined by their art, which when forgotten, becomes an sign of that personlessness. The first paragraph of this passage delves into this.

I am basically saying that art complicates self-concept, and it does not necessarily help the person become more whole.

Art forces the person to destabilize themselves, especially when it is confronted not as a product but in an identifying kind of way.

In conclusion, this can be compared to intellectual exploration for the sake of pinpointing the nuances and complexities hidden around, on the sides and corners, and under each of one's past memories in explicit mention through holistic reflection that it might be ingrained into the general thought process. It exposes the individual to the consequence of destabilization comparable to that in identity-art. To relate this to a broader concept, self-awareness can lead to a destabilization of the persona (self-concept): constant self-awareness as observed in intellectual exploration of everything, especially one's past memories, and engagement with identity-art can be whole-threatening.


June 16, 06:28:26 – June 16, 06:30:11
Querying Philosophical Terms Used in the Previous Entry


why does the author mention 'existential positivist' and 'secular transcendentalist'?

so neuroscience could be considered to relate to existential positivism.

A lot of people will argue that secular transcendentalism does not exist, but how does the author use this term in the passage

Why does he say "...the creation of selves... [occurs] in a secular transcendentalist sense by which all people are, at the origin, themselves of indivisible goodness (throughout the selves, and individuations [creation of individual identities])..."?

so it is saying that creation of selves can occur in a secular transcendentalist sense because inherent goodness can coexist with 'individuations'?


June 16, 06:37:11
Observation: Stylistic Shift from Stream-of-Consciousness to Argumentation


interesting that it moves from the stream-of-consciousness personal style at the start to structured argumentation.


June 16, 07:12:08 – June 16, 08:04:10
The Idea-State: Critiquing Nationalism, Erasure, and Pragmatic Acceptance


Seriously, is the very conceptualization of a state that difficult with which to interact? I have, in numerous occasions, noted the challenges of covering the history of a state without delving into political discourse, which amounts to bark-and-talk in regard to the idea of a specified state, as it relates to its historical precedents and is justified by ideas and the accompanying sundry interpretations. 'Nationalism' amounts then to the praise of a country and by the streamlining of those examples and ideas which provide basis for the sovereignty of the state.

I am more so talking in relation to the experimental and historicist nature of delving deeply into texts and evidences of previous sovereign precedents such as the borders of previous iterations within the area that the focal state now covers. This has been used both to uplift a particular idea of a state, even at the opposition of groups within the region that have hitherto declared in their own right sovereignty or autonomy but have been swallowed up by the decisions of the strongest ethnic, religious, or polity (and thereby political) group, and to assume control over an area such as maritime regions.

It is like tending to the flock of a sheep before thinking up many ways in which the sheep could have been. As a consequence of this consideration, the shepherd puts the sheep under the category of Sheep A, which turns into a political entity, and then considers buying more sheep in order to place them in other categories. These categories, within this context, can be perceived merely to be that of categorization-to-transformation as opposed to categories and ethnic or political divisions and interpretations which evolve historically. However, let's say that the shepherd continues to remain contingent upon the identities which these sheep have become, by virtue of the given internalized categorization. So these sheep are then separated and made distinct, despite their previous nuances identities, which might not have been so easily reconciled with temporal and geographical ideas that do not necessarily coincide with their ability to think, but by their ability to assume instinctively which belongs to them, by cultural memory and the historicists' attempts to influence the understanding of what they are to be and what they are not, even at the price of removing and destroying the nuances and complexities which the sheep were, all for the exigencies now imposed by hegemony and State.

The human being is forgotten and destroyed, not by genocide, but by natural selective aggregation. Books are like collectors who tend to flocks of sheep before giving them away. They take care of the cohort of individual citizens for a time, which costs them what they hitherto were.

So the very idea of a state then contrasts with the individual's actual lives. In the midst of the need to create justification, rivalry, and concentrated aggression or state motivation, the individual is placed apart and compressed that their identities are streamlined toward the interests which govern them, even if in the midst of previous changes and revolutions, they might have exhibited an increased sense of individual hegemonic defiance.

The need to create praise for a country already creates a response, "What then are you? But the squawker who declares all things good as that associated with the focal topic, point, or selling strategical focus. This then becomes your epitome, or your everything, that you might get rid of us ourselves in hopes that the concept remains aligned (coherent) and incorporated.  This then is your request, that all things are subsumed and concentrated into this singular cohort, or this broader political entity, that any who dares oppose it opposes the idea which has become total and true. Then, we are gone at this point. All arguments are lost, and all that matters is the preservation of the total goodness of this inherence which the state embodies."

Statehood is completely utterly unidentifiable, and all attempts to organize all previous things under the current idea-state is like eating the cake and wishing all manner of cake in the past were symbolic of this current cake so as to be actually so. Then based on this metaphor, the idea-state is created upon grounds of all previous cakes and related ingredients.

Earlier, I spoke of the individual, but I more so concentrate upon the individual-as-they-are, which can be compared to thing-in-itself, but more so focuses upon the individual as they are within smaller cohorts or political entities and how they are then aligned with the idea-state. These individual political entities are discarded or re-characterized (through retroactively imbuing past events and elements with the characteristics and attributes of the present idea-state; the legitimization and consolidation of the state's identity and authority by the drawing of connections and continuity from the past) for the sake of an idea-state.

The idea-state comprises not only what it is in idea-equilibrium, but also what it expects by drawing up so much effort in its sustenance. 

So what then? Empirically, the state has been proven to be useful, even if the very idea-state is rests upon erasure.

Who cares if the idea-state forces cultures to disappear and be consumed? Who cares if past languages are gone? Who cares that all those who have come are now deteriorated and mischaracterized? Who cares if they have been re-packaged to legitimize the current idea-state? Who cares about all of that? The very need to praise an idea-state already falls upon falsehood and lies, the entirety of which is comparable to denominations in their differing interpretation of sacred texts. Intellectual deconstruction of statehood is only just an intellectual exercise. Let's be honest. The state is productive and gives life, even if it takes away memories, dreams, ideas, hopes, structures, beliefs, and all manner of identity, rights (because it discards previous identities for the sake of the current idea-state), and humanity.

It does not really matter in the end. At one point, we fight for something we don't understand and are merely indoctrinated to care about. But who... cares? Who cares if we die for a lie? It does not matter, does it? What are we supposed to do? Abandon state because the idea-state is a complete horror? No. Why should we do that? We give ourselves up, but in the moment, let us live as much as we can, even if all of us will be completely destroyed by future idea-states. 


June 16, 07:42:49 – June 16, 08:18:43
Utilitarianism, the Idea-State as Fiction, and Accepting Limitation


I mean, he's right. Sure, we can talk about the idea-state all we want. We can talk about how many lives are lost and forgotten. We can talk about erasure and all of that. But the idea-state, which is practically essential to the very state which is incredibly productive and life-giving; even if it destroys entireties, is a mere subject of discussion. We can talk about everything destroyed, all for the sake of the current idea-state and its constituent counterpart, the state. But why don't we just adopt an utilitarian perspective and move on with our lives.

AI has also shown that art is absolutely gosh-darn subjective just as much as the idea-state. The idea-state destroys and re-characterizes. Art does the same. AI merely serves to remind us that even with all of this erasure, who cares? Let's just do whatever we can with the limited time that we have and focus on what the hell is bothering us. If one need to analyze so badly the statehood as a concept, so be it. Whatever gets them going. Whatever is most practical.

We are only as much as we are, so who cares if everything is lost? Of course, I do care. But who would care? By this point, one person will have believed the current version of Christianity in this particular denomination they're in. Denominations have emerged and evolved overtime. Who cares about the next interpretation in light of novel recent events and changes? We are only as much as we are, and even with everything lost, we are totally still here anyway. What do we do? We cannot do a thing. We cannot change the fact that in the process of colonization, we have destroyed so much. We cannot change the fact that even without colonization, just the very idea-state essential to a state destroys and re-characterizes to legitimize and sustain itself with real-life humans—as said earlier, it is a concept sustained by real-life people.

We can play the game, but what is the game? It was never really real. It was all a concept sustained by real-life people.

That is the idea-state.

I remember playing Minecraft and being immersed in it, but as I grow older and it stops addressing my needs and identifying with me, I find myself moving away from it. Now, I have stopped playing it completely, only having visited in several times in the last year or so. This goes the same for the idea-state, in the sense that we can play the game of the idea-state. But the idea-state was never really real, just a concept supplied by real-life people.

We are only as much as we are, and what we are does not have to be founded on currently true grounds. We can live as much as we want and define ourselves as much as we want. We are only as much as we are. I have read many stories that provide such a beautiful, nuanced look into a particular life, but what is the point? Once that story is closed, it is forever forgotten. But that is not the case with the concept of the idea-state. We live in such a concept, as much as those characters in that story that I read, finished, and left do. They are stuck in that fiction world, and I have gained enlightenment in a sense by leaving them so as not to be affected by them and only remembering them through a distant memory. In short, we are like characters living in a fiction story who were never able to finish this story and exit it. We are stuck there forever.

Part of me has wished to live in those stories, but I recognize that stories are often beautiful because they ignore everything that makes life painful. It is not the culminations of grief and tragedy. It is living knowing and being present throughout it all. There is no escape from it. We can escape from fiction stories in the sense that we know it's not real, so we can maintain a sense of reality, allowing us to relax and take some time off from this fiction world. It allows us to feel unbound and free, because that world only moves when we read. This is how we can create a sense of escape, not because it is a perfect world, but because it is everything that is desired, without everything else. It creates a sense that everything has been up to this point streamlined to a degree such that all things are peaceful and ordained in a beautiful manner. Everything then becomes the epitome of that satisfying wait or moment of journeying through a fiction story.

Reality and the concept of the idea-state is just as much as entertaining a fiction story is. We can talk about it and analyze it critically. But just like a fiction story, we cannot do anything but be as much as we can within the scope and confines of the story. So we can ignore the idea-state and the fiction story and move on from them if we must, even if just for a while. We can move on and focus on different things. We can always have gotten involved and immersed in this idea-state and this story, but some things end. Our analyses is similar in that we are immersed and involved in them. But sooner or later, we move on, or we stay stuck in an escapist mind, living within a fiction story that we know is only virtually taking us away from reality, but not actually. I have loved so many stories, but I have moved on, because these stories do not capture everything. They do not capture me for one. They do not capture my life. They do not capture the details that academic texts offer. Nonetheless, even the details of those academic texts will come to an end. My self-reflections will become more streamlined as I write more and more, sooner or later coming to a stop or to a delicate habit and form that it is not even conscious or aware of itself, just being an element or tool that is representative or an extension of me—so ingrained. I can read about everything else that the story does not cover. I can experience them all as much as I can.

Just as much as there is limitation in the idea-state, there is limitation in analyses and deconstructions, such as that I just did with the idea-state, because sooner or later, we move on to different things that answer and address our evolving concerns and focus much better.

For example, Karl Marx is not 'Das Kapital,' and if he lived in this present world, then maybe even if he did write it, it would not have the same impact. Even if it did have impact, sooner or later, Karl Marx would move on, maybe further exploring related concepts. But we are all limited in the end. All of us, whether we like it or not. Das Kapital might one day be forgotten or re-characterized. So many memories not only of individuals but of entire systems and idea-states are forgotten and re-animated to legitimize a novel recent idea-state. This is the limitation of not only idea-states but of analyses.

We are only as much as we choose to be, or feel inclined to be that it justifies us or that very belief onto which we have held for so long. In the end, what we are is what we are. We are only as much as we can be. I remember many memories, but it is funny that it is all just things I can talk about. The more I talk about them, the more it sounds all funky and weird, like we're all a part of an elaborate joke setup. This is funny... maybe. I don't know. Maybe that is everything there is to say.

I do not even know if my memories are real, because the more that I write them down, the more I feel like they will never be re-experienced again, even if through memory. I just feel like in every attempt to reflect and remember, I only write down words for posterity. They will not understand me whatsoever. Even my peers will be blind to my plights, ideas, and concerns; no matter how detailed and analytical these written reflections get. I am just a person, and all of these things are false idols, like men dancing on trees only to get blown in the wind. We are sooner or later dead in the sand, broken, without melody, done-and-tried, hopefully trying. This is our very hope. But these words do not signify me at all. I am fine. I am here. These words are there. No matter what I say or express, just think about a world outside me or you, or whatever 'me' means in this context and how it might connect to an individual such that they are able to recognize themselves in this context as the word 'me.'


June 16, 08:24:15 – June 16, 08:25:35
The Strangeness of Time: Reflecting on One Piece Memories from a Decade Ago


I don't know who I was when in 2011 to 2016, but I did know I did stuff. I saw my oldest half-brother watching One Piece in 2012 in a pirated website, and I watched in 2013 and 2014 the Doflamingo arc of One Piece with my siblings and father in the anime streaming website "Crunchyroll". It is weird to think that or to see the word 2013 and 2014, because that it is about 10 years ago. I do not understand what that means. What does the phrase '10 years ago' as it appears on my screen mean? I do not know. It does not make sense at all. I was just there, and now, I am here. I have had a lifetime of memories and experiences, and it does not make sense why I am still here. I do not know.


June 16, 08:32:32 – June 16, 08:35:07
Maturing Understanding of Games and the Evolving Internet Landscape (2010s vs. Now)


I reflect upon this now that I've recently watched and engaged much in League of Legends (LOL), LOL esports, Minecraft, and Roblox. At one point, when I was growing up, we merely said names such as "Xpeke," "Madlife", and many other pro players' names, but I did not watch esports much from my memory. I just heard them from friends. I remember also hearing my friends say "Kobe!" when taking or pretending to take a basketball shot. I never delved into basketball, so that memory is still stuck in the past. Delving into LOL, LOL esports, Minecraft, and Roblox has enabled me to mature in my understanding of these games as a whole. I reached Masters recently in LOL, finally understood and watched so many livestreams of esports until I know many different teams, played Minecraft much that I feel that I have exhausted it (even if I still feel much nostalgia with regard to playing Minecraft when I was much younger), and returned to reflect and remember Roblox and how old Roblox compared to current Roblox in 2024.

It is weird that at one point, these things did not happen. All of these occurred recently in from 2021 to today.

I understand now just how lonely the early 2010s Internet was, at least based on the websites that I visited during that time. It was such a small place compared to what it is today. I still remember that we were using very old phones while having the old computers. We played in the computers, and it is only recently that Roblox Mobile came out, at least from my perspective. I still remember when digital tablets were crazily high-tech, and I remember what it felt like to enjoy using older phones and being content with them. I did not really aspire much, but with time, I was exposed to more and more experiences and naturally evolved as time went on and I grew older.


June 16, 08:42:04 – June 16, 08:47:19
Age Cohort Tensions and Choosing Isolation in the 20s for Self-Exploration


What does it feel like to be in one's thirties? Comparison between 20s and 30s? Less friendships in 30s? Less competition?

Yeah, that's just about right. I hate how reductive this is, but it's true. It's just that it reminds me so much of the tensions involved with age cohorts.

But it's funny no? I have to ignore and dismiss age-related stuff immediately in order to feel like I'm not pressuring myself. I have grown exhausted and even mentally shaken with expectations since high school. But it does help to remember the past every once in a while and think about all the people I met, even if it is very painful to remember the past because it can be overwhelming to remember and address in writing. Too many memories, and high school put a dent to all the positive ones. Expectations can really break a person, but it's safe to say that my current lifestyle is good for tackling my current concerns of addressing the past and focusing on self-improvement and -development. I have isolated myself from everyone except for my family, so this time is great for this focus.

This is why in my twenties, I chose to isolate myself because I wanted to focus on writing and studying and learning about myself and the world. I want to keep studying and writing until I hopefully make sense of things.


June 16, 21:34:32
Longing for 19th-Century Style in Contemporary Fantasy


I honestly wish contemporary fantasy caught on much earlier because I prefer the writing style of the 19th century and would have loved to see it used to depict fantasy worlds.


June 17, 02:33:58
The "Is That It?" Feeling After Accomplishing Goals


I have a lot of questions that I want to tackle, but let me focus on this one first. Why is that even after I've accomplished my goal, I get this feeling of "Is that it?" as if I was expecting it to last much longer? It's strange to see that I feel this way, and it's probably because I've developed so many ways of interpreting new information 


June 17, 03:03:19
Creative Snippet: Flesh, Souls, and the Night Sky


Matthew looked around, and he saw a bunch of people looking at him. He wanted to eat them, for they are flesh and blood: the very honor of glory upon flesh as it is ascribed upon this world; with all that entails and by which life is created and developed in newness. The world has become nullified, for we are thus combined as flesh and blood upon flesh and blood that we might engage in the very warfare contained within our very souls. The night sky 'yummed' (to act, do, or behave that it conveys the figuration of a delicious quality, feeling, sensation, or mood) nabout, and in such a delicious manner, it recognized both the longings of flesh and by which manner in which it merges


June 17, 03:03:23
Linguistic Query: 'By Which Manner' vs. 'By Which Point'


If I can say 'by which point' can I also say 'by which manner'

Gramatically, 'by which manner' in '...by which manner it is produced,' and 'by which point' in ...'by which point he was finally fine,' are analogous.

so 'by which point' is an exception? Because to repeat, 'by which' is used in both 'by which point' and 'by which manner.' Moreover, the added 'point' and 'manner' analogously tie into 'by which.'

'At the point of which' would adhere more to standard grammatical rules, pointing out the exceptional nature of 'by which point.'


June 17, 05:36:32
Abstract Reflection: The Collapse of Sense-Making


At one point, everything made sense, and then everything fell down. I saw a bright sun overwhelmed by a glorious light. What has come of this day? There is a sense that all things are, and whatever things might be is now occluded.


June 17, 05:38:10 – June 17, 06:06:02
Overwhelmed by Memory: Stream-of-Consciousness, Intense Imagery, and the Need for Rest


Why is it that I reached this point? I stare at many faces. Everything just was torn apart and removed quickly. What was used to be a person is now a human being, and everything is now lost to time. The computers, the things that used to dominate an idea-space within the head at one point is long occluded by the mishmash of time and the accumulating nature of every single thing that might have been hitherto ignored or unnoticed.

There is a grace to understanding, and there is a place for peace. I think these repetitive language serves a purpose. Anyway, let me return to my reflections.

What does a bird serve? To fall, to fly away, to disappear, to dissipate? I do not know. I have long lost the sense of a soul, as all nightmares overcome me and tear me apart. I am not stressed; in fact, I am at a distinct peace, one that recognizes the overwhelming nature of all  things which are and have been recognized at one point, but forgotten due to the great unstoppable nature of occlusion through layering and everything-falling-away. There is nothing to be said, and in silence, I grieve for a loss. The terrors of a human being forgotten and destroyed.

If it was a tangible as a person lost, then maybe it would make sense, but these memories of mine cannot be so easily bonded to a singular human being, save for myself of course. But the point is that it is overwhelmingly vast, and in this bright and wonderful world, I see a dark one. The forest is long and stretches wide. I see ghosts and evil all around me.

Where is the forest? Ten dogs eating each other and cannibalistically engaging in dancing. They stand! They stand on two legs! Oh God! They're dancing into my soul! Still in posture, frozen, yer their forms growing larger and larger with their fierce smiles and their black fur with brown fur around their buttocks and hide leg. They now enter into my existence on two legs! Their paws and upper legs hold each other, and they appear toward me like a still image zooming and becoming larger and larger. The memories! The horror!

The terror of this earth. I see colors, I see colors. Beauty of faces, eyes, and all manner of color. They are all representative of the Great Suffering. Let me die in peace. Let me escape their smiles, their colorful joys, and horrific movements.

They now abide in me, and I am lost.

I see all sorts of different ways to understand everything logically that I might sort and layer them in logical layers and structures. However, there is much in tackling all of these. I have lost so much in the past years, yet I have gained so much. The last 4 years have been very beneficial for my growth, but this time has led me to this day of realization and holistic recognition of all that I have experienced. I see colors fading, blending, and flying in the winds. The dogs! They're after me! I see a monochromatic color, not actual color this time, but the being of all Existences.

I have seen so much horror. I have seen so much beauty.

The colors! The dogs! The still-image horrors zooming at me.

I am smiling. A very happy engaged smile. I smile with an evil tint, as if my emergence is like a man eating water, even if water is spiky legs staring backward straight at him. It is like a mother holding a log in madness because she had lost her baby, having grabbed a pillow or log instead of her baby in 1942. This is grace and beauty.

Where I am. Where I am. Where I am.

I see a man staring at me from afar. His name is Peter Jones. I see a man staring at me from outside. His name is Peter Jones. I see a man walking up to me. His name is Peter Jones. He is tall, around seven feet taller than me. I see clouds above; then where are the—

I see clouds above; then where are the—

Too many things flood through my mind. The memories. All of these distinct feelings, memories, and emotions remain in my mind. I cannot escape them. I cannot leave. I can see so many things. Where are they... I can see so many things. All of these memories. I wrote so many things. I wrote so many stories. I have read too many stories. I have seen so many things. I have smelled so many smells. I have experienced so many things. I have seen so many combination of my five senses, even proprioception. I have seen the bus ride in the middle of the night and the distinct smell of the bus alongside the smell of perfume from a woman probably later that day. I remember distinct perfume smells. I remember the smell of the beds at my cousin's house, not the old house. I smelled them just hours ago from my own lavender sports shirt. I can see colors. I can see men and women gathered. Where is joy?

I see too many things, and I remember the early days of the Internet from my viewpoint, that being the early 2010s, when memes were much different. I made my Facebook account in 2009. I don't remember how I even did that, and I wager that I just made it on the computer we had at home. Maybe I did not have access much to computers. I am not lacking resources to remember the past. I can ask, and with time and reflection, I will remember everything. I have already remembered so much since the last year or so. I don't know how to be a person such that I can say that I am.

At one point, I was a person. I do not remember when that stopped. The thing is, usually, I would call this entire passage useless. It's not that I consider emotional, figurative, and stream-of-consciousness narrative expression a waste of time. But it does conflict with my desire to understand the past at least in a way that makes it so that I can view it holistically. It can feel very trapped to be stuck in a fiction world. It can feel very horrific to be stuck in a particular activity; realizing that I have immersed myself in it. I fear that.

I fear immersion, distraction, and such focus. I love the feeling of looking at things as widely as I can, but I inevitably do end up giving in to precision and focus, such as when I code for several days straight and only stop to eat and sleep. I have coded much longer in the past. I even did 74 days of writing 4,300 words everyday. I even went to the gym on two occasions for two months each, and I remember working so hard that I went many times and worked out for 2 hours during the second 2-month occasion. I have even travelled much growing up, but I was much more curious then. I'm still curious now, and I was definitely much more conscious and intentional than I have expected. It took some in-depth reflection to remember that I was indeed struggling with a conscious mind in order to tackle challenges, adhere to responsibilities and expectations, and get along with everyone in my incredibly vast social life full of many different communities and hundreds of people.

I have done so much, and repeating these particular instances of pushing myself allow me at least to summarize them and use them as gateways through which to remember other memories that I have been left to rot. Going through media on the Internet does trigger past memories and new ideas, but recently, at least for the last week, I have needed time to take care of myself as I have been pushing myself again and devoting myself to new projects with succes. But even now, I need to take care of my body and my self. Because of my lack of sleep and the accompanying weakened immune systems, my face is full of rashes or whatever they're called. I look like a teenager going through puberty. But yeah, it was great to code the website with the help of ChatGPT, which honestly did most of the base or foundation and I just had to make it make sense because I had complex needs for how I wanted the website to function and look like. It was fun to spent much time writing as well and entering into a new phase of academic exploration, critical examination, and novel logical experimentation. However, I need to sleep and lie down, allowing myself to eat, take a shower, browse and immerse myself in media such as social media and webcomics, and sleep. This way, I can fully recover, given that I also did some a short burst of workout and dancing a lot yesterday and even today.


June 17, 06:09:29 – June 17, 06:16:20
Meta-Reflection: Stylistic Shift and the Value of Journals in Authorial Portrayal


Interesting that it starts off incredibly messy and expressionistic, but then it becomes much more logically coherent in the terminal paragraphs, which emphasize the author's attempt even here to assemble himself in a summary even in a passage divided between stream-of-consciousness messiness and this more analytic language and focus.

It makes sense, given that they're exhausted and need time to depart from their more dream-like mental state and transition into mentally arranged reflection.

This can be essential in understanding the nuances and dynamics often omitted in books and articles. The fact that this was written in a personal journal only validates this. Setting aside articles and books, journaling fulfills a particular facet of the author's learning journey and the reader's arrival at new insights in response to the multi-faceted nature of the author's self-expression, which is exposed in highly personal thought process–exploring journal entries, more structured but relatively short articles typically with sections and section titles, and books, which, at least within this list, amount to the most sophisticated form of organization. In essence, having all three—journal entries, articles, and books—creates a well-rounded depiction and exploration on the author's part.

[REDACTED]


June 17, 21:12:54 – June 17, 21:15:25
The Frustrating Discovery of Violin Fine Tuners After Unnecessary Struggle


I realize I had fine tuners for each string. Why did no one ever tell me about this? I spent so much time struggling and going to music stores, only to realize through ChatGPT about the fine tuners already present in my guitar? I could have just used the fine tuners instead of the knobs, because I ended up breaking one string and having to replace all of the strings. It cost 800 pesos or around that number. I cannot believe I did not know this, and I have gone to the music store once or twice already just because it was out of tune. We spent actual money doing this, and maybe it was my fault for not just searching about violins enough to find out about fine tuners. But I feel robbed. I easily tuned my violins immediately with the fine tuners. What the hell was all that suffering for? I feel like I was playing with my own emotions rather than suffering actually.

Why did no one tell me about the fine tuners, even if I went to multiple music stores several times already? Did they assume that I knew how to play? But I literally went to them because they were out of tune, and then I went to another because my violin string broke because I was tuning through the pegs instead of the fine tuners already present. We spent over a thousand pesos for that. That is crazy. I truly believe they conveniently did not say it because if they did, it would just be a 30-second fix with my own hands and with a tuning app on my phone. I just tuned my violin without barely any issues. It was easier to tune with the fine tuners compared to a guitar even. What the hell?


June 17, 21:21:57
Learning from Ignorance: The Violin Incident and Embracing New Skills


I don't even know anymore. Honestly, at this point, I've had many things that I've wanted to do and get into, but I've also made many mistakes or overlooked things that were right in front of me. It is hard to blame myself for these instances of ignorance, because if I knew, I would have avoided the pitfalls and issues. Moreover, it is not as if I am not taking efforts in expanding my knowledge and awareness, as I have spent much of my time this past year writing many words alone. So many things have happened, and even with all the ignorance, I have grown much. Even if I only realized now that the violin had something called fine tuners now after an interval of suffering and paying music stores unnecessarily, I still recognize that the time that I spent learning was not a waste. Even if I could have done it more productively and with much more knowledge and awareness, I recognize that ignorance will remain a part of my life and a part of experimental growth, especially given that taking risks and trying new things will make me look like a fool. I picked up violin because I wanted to learn something new without feeling like I was keeping myself stuck to what I learned at a very young age. Now that I'm older, I've wanted to teach myself skills to cultivate self-discipline and depart from the sense of dependence elicited by my childhood skills.


June 17, 21:27:36 – June 17, 21:30:01
Analogy: Computer Development, Python, and Streamlining Modular Frameworks


This has made me realize the weight and depth of being able to create frameworks which adopt a modular approach for the sake of clarity, accessibility, study, and experimentation (on the part of the inventors and pioneers of the computer), but which have yet to be streamlined to their optimal heights of performance and widespread use. One example of this is early computers and how they have transitioned first in service of study, but are not being used even by users who have little to do with the inner functions of a computer, besides what is presented already by operating systems like Linux and Windows, such as file organization and the various native functionalities used in association. Started primarily for the sake of coders, Python can be seen as one example of both a streamlined and a modular approach, as it is easy to use and fast enough to be employed in complex in-the-field situations.

[REDACTED]


June 17, 21:57:01 – June 17, 21:57:15
Quantifying Increased Writing Speed Over Time


If one compares the speed in which I wrote in journal here.txt compared to the original journal part 5.md (from October, 25, 2023 to December 23, 2023), I wrote about 163,000 words in 120 days in journal part 5.md compared to writing 117,480 words in 20 days, from May 28, 2024 to June 17, 2024. My writing speed has increased very much, from only 1,358 words per day to 5,874 words per day.


June 17, 22:17:24 – June 17, 22:18:57
Misreading a Title: "Brevity Is the Death of Context" vs. "...of Content"


I read this title from a video with only 450+ views on Youtube in my recommended: "Brevity Is the Death of Content." I misread it as "Brevity Is the Death of Context," and that would be much more meaningful and precise.

I do agree with the notion or at least the nuanced idea that "brevity is the death of context."

It also applies to Youtube videos and content, where everything is stripped of all their nuances and complexities for the sake of brevity. So the original title could have been changed to what I misread it to be, which was much more eye-catching than the boring, over-done, and sensationalist notion of the death of content in the Internet simply.


June 17, 22:28:10 – June 17, 22:30:05
Linguistic Notes from Lyell's "Principles of Geology" (1830)


I might want to remember this, but "New Holland" is used in Principles of Geology by Charles Lyell in P. 2.

'...by the examination of New Holland, where the indigenous species of animals and plants were found to be, almost without 
exception, distinct from those known in other parts of the world.'

I will also note this use of 'parcelling' here in the book, which was published in January 1, 1830, because it is a fun word.

'But the extent of this parcelling out of the globe amongst different nations, as they have been termed, of plants and animals...'

The book 


June 17, 23:15:54
Difficulty Reading 19th-Century Cursive


Am I one of many people who cannot read 19th century cursive?

They are very slanted.


June 17, 23:30:20 – June 17, 23:45:11
Webcomics vs. Books: Shifting Media Preferences and Potential Future Synthesis


Are webcomics somehow superior compared to books? Because even nowadays, I get the feeling that even adults tend to prefer comics and, even more apt, movies over books released over the last 24 years and in the 20th century. There were plenteous books that have remained in circulation, albeit in a now minimal, limited manner. I can attest that their significant departure from the typical consumption character and the time taken settling in for reader familiarization with the words, linguistic nuances, and plethoric varieties of assertations, which now are considered nonsensical, redundant, or drily and dully expressed in the light of our now up-and-coming character at that new norm in years hereafter, can be a barrier for entry and further development in the practice, which has become a frequent perception, and which has now heretofore been only consumed in an old, gone, well-over-the-years fashion, so as to be inefficient as a matrix of entertainment for growing children; by today we experience these shifts, and it does not come with promises of return. However, these shifts, albeit which have remained yet removed from the traditional pattern of 'study' (as which it is now proposed and to which it is referred by juniors and high school members; by which point, re-characterized), do foretell of a new age consumed with the necessity of study, as Gen Z becomes older and desires to magnify those which they are now being taught by experience to be context-ridden falsehoods, may find themselves at an inevitable junction, not that of retrieval of the traditional method of self-enjoyment, but that of expanding upon this new age which retains a recognition of past lives. And by this time, people will locate for themselves a much more well-rounded and comprehensive junction by which all things from days past are remembered and advanced to be supremely inspirational: not so by a measure of the outweighing of the other form, which can be concluded by the synthesis of the above-stated truths of concurrence.


June 18, 01:26:22
Familiarity with D'Nealian Cursive and Historical Blindness


D'Nealian is definitely the standard with which I'm most familiar growing up, having seen no other variant so as to make me believe that cursive remains static in the D'Nealian vision, because I did not know about the history.



June 18, 01:34:28
Protagonist Monologue as Modern Declamation: Parallels with Older Plays


I realize now that those stories which go into the mind of the protagonist, his philosophy, and grand views on the world can be likened to plays of the past, such as those written by Shakespeare whose characters declaim rather than speak merely. The very nature of narratives which go into a character's views by which he acts and, in response after every significant event, reflects, contemplates, and concludes all fit within this framework.

This is only so if the protagonist declaims with rhetoric as if to an audience, as if expressing in rhetoric his manifesto and commentary on concurrent events which affect him and upon which he is present and actively in stride.


June 18, 02:27:18 – June 18, 02:30:54
Feeling Defaced and Overwhelmed by Acquired Knowledge and Memory


What were we before all of this? At one point, things made sense. But now... I think I am staring at a cloud. No... What is it? It zooms in and zooms back away. I see it yet I see everything else. The beauty.

I feel utterly defaced, as if anonymity has took a hold of me, and now I engage in mental repetitions; albeit I speak sophisticated complex ideas, I am altogether gone. There is a sense that I am here, and that I am there, wherever where. I sit down idly, and I abscond to a new place in my head. I cannot escape. My head. And wherever else. I am done and gone. The memories. The ideas. It is all too overwhelming.

The more I read, the more I learn. The more I read, the more I yearn. The more I engage in study, the more I lose the sense that I am here, for I am everywhere and almost practically nowhere (individual). I feel that there is a sense that I am here; then I am there and wherever else.


June 18, 03:52:57 – June 18, 04:25:06
Indistinction vs. Murkiness: The Limits of Knowledge Disassembly and Language


Do tell what the distinction between indistinction and pure murkiness is. At this point, my attempts at disassembling my own knowledge is like a man attempting to disassemble physically his own brain. At that point, it is deleterious and counterproductive, amounting to a mere extremity of cases of attempts, contrary to which would be rational considerations of the ways humans are formed and their thoughts created. It is like drowning in a sea of mud to present mindfully in the moment, because all that it is, especially within my bubbly, escapist, and comprehensively demanding mind, is a torture-session devised to intrude into my ever-unabating corners, whence all my emotional aches flow. This is not trauma, but the trauma (metaphorical pain) of indistinction, because at one point, it becomes like a dove soaring through the air, then becoming data-moshed with the colored alternating lines of no-signal TV screens, and then becoming so indistinct (but not actually gone) so as to be invisible and without discernable presence. At one point, colors fade into dissymmetry, and people become dove-less faces, or whatever nonsensical combination of sensations from all senses come to mind. This is the indistinction which evolves out of complexity and nuance, that waste product that forms art and creatives with the 'intelligency' (intellectual agency) of life. This then becomes completely utterly indefinable, for any attempts at defining it concludes it merely within the bounds of the present day and context, with every historical streamlined package neatly tucked into modern context so as to be indiscernable from what it was actually. These then not only become popular culture, but also a crucial influence for fringe theorists and all manner of alternative views on the world and even scientists and academics, or a supposed intelligentsia. Everyone becomes completely murky and blended in this mess, without discernable interpretation, with only language coexisting by itself, for itself, in itself, and upon itself. Then at this point, it is abstract nonsense, analogous to people living in a tiny hole governed only by the interpretation by which they have created the concepts of communication, in which a term analogous to 'language' is born. This is then completely indiscernable not only by the people within in regard to actual reality (when not reducing reality into accessible contexts and even sophisticated ones in academics), but also by hypothetical observers of this anthropological bubble-world, because the connection between human-meaning and observer-meaning cannot be decided. So no true meaning can be collected except by someone who gets roped in so as to be affected. With all things comes an enduring cascading.

I look then around, and I am unable to formulate an opinion. I stare at the books, and it is as if I know but all. But there is this sense that within this great complexity, I feel a strange familiarity, not such that I am to write it all that with mechanical ease, but such that only within my mind it is present. There is a strangeness that occurs in the disparity and contrast between first-hand experience as it is known in near totality and knowledge that is disseminated so as to make sense and bring sense-making frameworks by which all men could be considered in a sense equalized, not by an ethical grasp on the subject, but by a necessary generalization in order to bring forth that which is governed merely by arbitration by a singular mind for itself within a single individual. Everything that I have ever known being bottled up and packaged so as to fit within the terms and clauses of entertainment value or things that can serve a purpose of legitimizing and validating an external thought structure, such as the use of particular examples of cases between people in order to rectify a proposal that affects the global nation. This distance between the individual and the use of external observers in extracting precisely which they require to maintain an air of credibility and worldliness but by a perusal of all varying perspectives and evidences combined, it is utterly nonsensical. Herein lies the incentive to distribute systematically errors which intrude to our daily understanding of ourselves, for as we speak out our longings, we are unable, by the limitations of language barriers and the ever-necessity of particular terms (which make sense only within a given collective context of people-in such that it facilitates othering), to address what we have experienced through our utmost connection to ourselves and with our selves. And even here, there is much lost because our lives are manufactured by our selves, by what we understand enough to incorporate and by what we do not understand at all so as to dismiss and ignore it for the meantime; even if it means losing potential related to things that we have yet to understand. This is reality then in that we are most limited. Living long enough to be so well-defined but afraid that all of this is a lie. And it remains so, but to paranoia, but to a sense that there is nothing to be gained and lost. Where distinction can be made, other distinctions (arguments) can be made against it. So I venture into indistinction, that shared by many contrasting, varying, and differing instances of cognition, by which we are all then made clear, even in the most limited scope imaginable. This is how we have yet to conquer anything beyond our eyes, for all that we see is gone. It was never truly in our capacity to recognize. It was only a blur, a faint idea that rose up only to be dismantled again. For when there are ideas, there are all the means to dismantle and turn it aside to be let down, like a child being removed from a list of applicants for adoption. This is the means by which we are most removed. The time, the striking, and the movements which occur after such an event all collectively host a spot for an individual to spring up and loosen himself. And even in this, he is lost. He has become utterly tied to himself, and by the measures he judges, he cannot even be sure of himself and of the world, the combination of the two of which we are most likely to promulgate nonetheless.

Then what is it that we are eating now? When we lay down in bed, is the bed upon which we lay that smooth that we can figure a sense of smoothness, by which we can say we are sure of ourselves and of the character of grounding? At what point do are they that answer utterly confounded by the very character of ourselves, when we lay down in bed and when we rise up to eat? This then becomes a question that remains indistinct to ourselves, for we have finished the eating and the sleeping. At what point does this become coherent, a coherent act in service of a bright purpose, that dictated by ourselves. Can we say to be sure? Can we express ourselves that we are able (to be defined)? Can we act with utmost confidence that we are unable to be wrong (not in a logical sense, but in the sense that even with utmost confidence, even the very questioning of wrongness and bold self-awareness gets called into suspicion)? Are we a playing card that we navigate? Do we play games that we play merely for the sake of enjoyment; such that we can decide ourselves how we are, where we are, and who we are? Do such actions tie us to ourselves that we may be ever-present and -sure? At what point does a detail overlooked become a detail that could have solved our very lives (maybe in a limited capacity, but maybe in the entirety)? Is this then ourselves? "She knows. He knows." Do these statements create a sense of comfort because at what point are we going to be sure that such sureness creates confidence ever-lasting (and not in an emotional manner, but more so in a way that creates what is to be unique and describable, like a man eating or a man lying down to sleep)?


June 18, 04:05:16
Query: Is Language Merely a Fading Idea?


What can language be but an ever-fading supposed idea?


June 18, 04:38:33 – June 18, 05:18:58
The Value of Breaks, Pretend Play, and Dissolving Self-Concept for Growth


It is weird. Comparison (not the bad one) is a strange thing, because I can read books or webcomics and come back excited to study academic texts. If reading academic texts without a break, it can feel demanding and like a never-ending climb without true satisfaction despite my endless improvement and growth. But taking breaks allows me to compare between different modes of thought, that of mere enjoyment with the everyday and that of intense excited focus with complexities and nuances. And even with academic texts, there is much not only to unpack linguistically, but comparatively much more in terms of context. Much of these texts amount merely to a person's ability to navigate reality and subsume knowledge so as to make it relevant. Simply, making complex ideas and frameworks relevant within specific contexts through intentional interconnection and interrelation is the point of all of this.

Alternatively, I think another good way to look at this is through this notion: "If you can pretend as if it [one's particular focus] never existed, then that means you have a normal mind." This is to say that a person is only as much as he makes himself out to be. So if he allows himself to pretend as if the very source of demand and concern never existed, even if just for a while, it can be fruitful in preventing burnout, and it is practically essential in navigating growth in many different domains, because conflict between ideas can be navigated through analysis. But even in such conflict, there is a need for a playful attitude that interprets things as much as it benefits him. The pragmatic character of play and pretend (such as that in acting), if they so allow him to reap an optimal life, should be emphasized.

We don't have to be that guy. In fact, we don't have to be anyone at all. We are not guitar. We are not violin. We are that kid back in our childhood, the interpretation of which we can scale positively to and with our efforts. We are not the epitome of ourselves (specifically our perceptions of ourselves at the moment). We are not what we have long been known to do such as coding, drawing, ect. We are nobody as positively as it is.

The disappeance and dissolution of ourselves, albeit temporarily within our constructions and how we navigate mentally so as to produce a coordinated effort in accordance to a constructed (real but representative) memory, idea, or framework, creates opportunities for us to become as much as we can be, as beneficially as that sounds. This all becomes the epitome, but not any, just a feeling, even if only a hint or a non-descript component among an infinity of them. This allows us to be everything and nothing at the same time, are much as we are. In short, we are only as much as we are, not necessarily as much as we state ourselves to be, but as much as that concern which does not concern ourselves, that idea which does not affect us so as to produce our identities, and that factor which remains present but which we have overlooked. We are much as much as we are, however ignorant we are of ourselves, such that this very fact should motivate us to dissolve and destroy what the very term and nuanced word 'this' even means. What does 'this' place mean? What does 'this' person mean? Even our very contexts can be considered and put into question. What then becomes our very souls (identity)? All but naught? We can move forward endless and in the moment, in the widest scope and in our smallest imaginations. We are free to be, and free to prohibit ourselves. We are free to align such that it benefits us within prisons, limitations, and contexts. But in all of these things, we are as much as we are, whether to limit ourselves by out free will or to set us free by our free will; both of which function analogously.

To give an example of this concept, let me refer to the term "exam," which when divorced from implications and ingrained meanings now part of that concept in the word "examination," creates a whole novel experience. "Exam," which might trigger feelings of discomfort, now gives a sense of ease in the term "examination," especially for those who have struggled in school, but do not struggle necessarily in studying academic texts. This relates to the concept of the disappearance and dissolution of ourselves, because we ourselves are not real (as least the concept of 'ourselves' within our minds). We can only be as much as we are, so when we divorce ourselves, even for a while, and play and pretend that a particular focus never existed, we engage in the same shift between "exam" and "examination."



June 18, 05:34:23
Rediscovering Details: Mindfulness, Symbolic Recognition, and Feeling Lost in Fragments


I just realized that I only noticed plants in an image just now. For some reason, it feels like it's been years since I stopped and looked at the plants in an image as if they were not merely part of an image. I looked at the details of the image, and I do that from time to time. But it is almost surreal looking at things with mindfulness and recognizing their presence as distinct components of a larger image. It is weird to imagine that existence can be so shallowly distributed, that a man might overlook what is right in front of him in service of modular, broader-concept or -symbol interpretation, that he might say, "Ha, I have arrived at a conclusion by the synthesis of ideas, but not as the details, at which if only to be given just a tiny look, they command. There is much to identify within the clumps of existence, toward which we were ignorant as kids. I feel not, and I know not. But I am as much as the modulars align, because images can be described as modules within a broader province of experience, where all things flow. I find myself at a strange junction, because I know what I don't know in the sense that even within the symbolic recognition,  I have an implicit capability such that it occurs in my peripheral vision to recognize those details constituting those symbols, or those images. There is much to know that I only see with my eyes, because everything in front of me stands only in service of the very nature of movement and flow within what is now a digital space, and even within the real world,  just to look upon the details and what has been considered much as a child is now like looking at fragments clumped together to become defined. But fragments of a cup are only one whole because they are given the seeming identity of a whole through the very statement "fragments of a cup," which is analogous to "fragments of a whole so as to be whole themselves that they are defined." It is now all these little things, and everything dissolves to provide me depth and sophisticated. But in all of these precisions I am totally lost, for in the broader sphere of the world and in the precise things combined, I only have adapted my limbs, hands, and eyes to ascribe meaning as much it suits me, the 'me' that is currently in function for a singular or limited set of goals and overall purpose, but not the me in a scope of my entire life.


[REDACTED]


June 18, 18:44:36 – June 18, 20:20:51
Gaining Knowledge, Losing Wonder: Commonplace Books, Flexibility, and Grounding Intellect


But it's seriously funny, you know. People do not realize it, but we have lost much in gaining. I refer to broader humanity as a whole. We cannot experience what it's like to be a 'child' (in historical anthropological sense) again, so we live in a mature world beset by all these new complexities that many of us now have access to through the Internet. We cannot feel that feeling of being interested and intrigued by the same mysteries and feeling of adventurer that people experienced back when Robinson Crusoe was of interest. Sure, we can still experience it today as actual children growing up, but it will not have the same cultural taste or flavor of the same particular feeling of curiosity, adventurer, mystery, and intrigue as that experienced in the past. We live in the modern day, so much of the mystery is replaced by modern sensibilities and informed minds. We can all agree on particular scientific advancements without much tension (though there are still much to discuss and argue about), and most of our issues stem from systematic errors, deficiencies in how resources are managed and distributed, and geopolitical concerns that hold weight regarding the future forms of our current states (and their accompanying idea-states).

Personally, I believe everyone will have each a personal commonplace book that will serve as the database by which they will respond to newer issues and upon which they will write down and address numerous concerns, ideas, issues, and many other frameworks, methodologies, and systems of thought. However, that might not come to pass, and it might occur more intuitively, possibly through the use of AI. However, as for me, I do have a personal digital commonplace book that is well-integrated digitally, and it is growing from here on out. It will hopefully hold everything, from every media I've consumed to my responses to almost every idea, concern, framework, methodology, and system of thought, so that if anything picks it up, they will know my very being: my life history, my response to almost everything, and my continually evolving thoughts throughout time and my syntheses of everything within to produce even more organized and systematic forms of proactivity.

I keep Wikipedia in mind when it comes to a very efficient and intuitive format for navigating much content, because one article literally had links for almost every distinct term or word that leads to another page, one linked word of which leads to another page, and so on. This can drastically reduce reading time and navigating time, as they will not load the entire commonplace book within a website. Instead, they will click on linked words that head into various pages to the point that they will barely have to search at all. In fact, it might be better if there is no search function that searches through the content, but only one that searches titles because that would be too heavy, especially when the commonplace book is 100,000,000 words long. But that is a hypothetical scenario, but one to keep in mind when delving deep into writing of this scope.

However, for now, I am careful about using too much formatting such as links, because I have spent much effort in LaTeX, and I recognize both the benefits of specializing the content in LaTeX functionalities. But it can also be challenging to adapt the content to markdown or to websites. This is why I try to keep things as textual as possible as if it was a mere Plain Text file to avoid the difficulties of converting LaTeX, markdowns, or specialized formats such as MediaWiki or Obsidian. This is why I only use Visual Studio Code, and I keep things as plainly textual as possible, because I've already experienced the challenges firsthand. But I am still open to doing LaTeX, and I am using markdown functionalities like headers in my text file, but very judiciously. When it comes to Obsidian or MediaWiki, I have already explored Obsidian and found it too entrenching like a programming language that forces all original content there to be vendor–locked-in, monolithic, so ingrained so as to be undetachable, insular, esoteric, inflexible, dogmatic, unconvertible, and too much to adapt to. This is why I keep things as plain as possible in the original that I might consider adapting it to other formats like LaTeX and websites later on, without compromising the original content written in Plain Text.

This is why I believe that it is crucial to be flexible. Never be be a one-thing guy in life. Avoid the feeling that one is entrenched into something. It is okay to scroll through social media even if one is looking to be productive, because it can provide valuable insights into the current world at a current time. It can make reflections, whether casual, serious, and academic, much more tangible and grounded. Crucially, this needs to be balanced with actual academic texts and written reflections to synthesize learned knowledge and experiences altogether with the intention of creating comprehensive intelligence. Many people tend to force themselves into extremes of focus, resulting in burn out and being out of touch. Many struggle to be motivated at all. As for those who are motivated, it is optimal to avoid getting stuck in a singular place even if it might seen like that place provides much variety. It can be very dangerous to become an insular person. Social media, academic texts, drawing from real-life experiences, studying, writing, and all form of connecting with more everyday culture such as through stories and fiction. It can boost concision and make one's message more readily received, as opposed to becoming stuck in a particular way of seeing the world.

Simply, intellectual activities are only as intellectual as they are grounded in reality. However, that does not indicate that if one's entire work is focused on theorizing, theoretical synthesis, and abstract interpretation, it is useless. In fact, that is the point of academic texts much of the time, because even if one reads anything, it does not necessarily create anything immediately. Much of effort spent goes to studying and learning, which forms the basis for actions, collaborations, and decisions done in a systematic manner.


June 18, 20:37:06 – June 18, 20:52:31
Intelligence and Engagement with 18th/19th Century Texts: A Duty of Repatriation


Do tell if the intellectuals in the 18th century and the 19th century were smart at all, because the books they were reading were incredibly complex, not only in language, but in content. I mean, let's separate intelligence from output wrought or the synthesis of what they have studied. Let us focus in general upon the content of the books, because reading titles like Cyclopedia leave me to believe that there was much neuroplasticity or intellectual refinement to entertain in the realm of growth in that time. Importantly, I ignore the cultural aspects and history, and I direct my aim at this very subject of the weight of words as they are complex and their relationship with the intelligence of one individual studied in those works of great preponderance of complex thought, that which is indicated by the language alone and by the manner in which they have considered all things that are, nowadays, for those who have yet to be well-appraised as one of educational talent, simple and fairly accessible to understand.

At this time, my rearticulations of such rich content provides me with a basis not only for reexposure, but also by a feat of intellectual repatriation, I possess again the gifts which have hitherto been far removed from daily life: that I, with singular might, might target this collection of thoughts, as they are scribed, that if with great efforts such to obtain, then to abstain from a drawn-out history of disinterest with the long-forgotten odes of refrain of complexity and knowledge, and to bestow upon my individual character hereafter, by a remarkable patience and fortitude, it is inscribed again therewith.


June 18, 20:55:43
Proficiency in Reading Older Challenging Texts


Despite the challenging structure, I can read them very well, probably because I read 18th and 19th century texts a lot.


June 18, 21:02:00
Linguistic Observation: 19th-Century Use of "Which [Noun]"


"They leapt upon a ship, but they were told off by a captain, which order they immediately obeyed."

I find it interesting that 19th century text likes to use "which" like this. It still remains in the idiom "by which point," but it seems no longer in contemporary usage. However, in the 19th century, by at least one text I have read, it seemed to be acceptable, and even used in the manner we use "by which point" today, but without the "by" in the case of "...which order..." in "... a captain, which order they immediately obeyed."


June 18, 21:10:34
The Sadness of Falling in Love with Symbols (e.g., Art)


There is a weird sadness in falling in love with a symbol. For example, one can find someone's art so beautifully touching and soul-gripping that one wishes they could be one and together with the very essence of that art, despite knowing that the creator themselves and their art are separate. We create our wish fulfillment, and that is often the case.

[REDACTED]


June 18, 23:16:03
The Allure and Insufficiency of Definitive Answers


It must be nice to believe in something, to believe that that story is worth telling, to believe that that nostalgic memory somehow holds the vial of truth, that somehow after all of these years, nothing has truly changed, and if given enough perspective, one can easily grab onto those past unfinished projects and forget that there were was a gap in time.

It must be nice to watch one of those videos that offer what looks to be an elucidating answer, but life never makes so much sense so as to solve a life. I have felt so much of that feeling of solution and "This is it!" But none of them survived long enough to the actual reality of everything. I soon leaned that we could be many things all at once, and we could live in the present. I learned that one was not necessarily anything in particular.

It is like that grandiose sense of passion in writing those words on the sandy beach, only to realize that it was all just one tiny affect or feeling at the time. Life never makes sense. One video might change my entire life, but there is never enough life. There is always going to be new ways to interpret and interact with the world and new ways to be, even if it is counterintuitive.



June 19, 00:47:28 – June 19, 01:03:54
Analysis of Narrator's Style in "The Gentle Giant" Excerpt: Balancing Complexity


analyze writing style of this passage:
'“The shining of the bright light appeases me! I am the king of Thorl, the demander of lights! I will destroy the worth of the night in its entirety!” Pre-recorded screams reverberated around a large room.

Shin woke up, the daylight sun masquerading as a large thunderous storm beamed through his windows. His subwoofers and soundproofed room granted him the feel of being in a storm throughout the night. He fooled himself, but he smiled as soon as he got up.

Every step of his was like a trip to Beauty Land, a place of gimmicks and nigh-insane individuals of optimistic complexions.

“I am a nasty boy from sweaty land,” he mouthed. “Tall tales will never get any hand.”

He arrived at his small desk where an old radio sat. Inside this radio, a small timed bomb ticked.

He yawned and stretched his shoulders above his head, putting them down as fast as a soldier salute. He ran down a flight of stairs at the other end of his room and jumped from the second, last stair landing over eight steps. He cheered as he flung his arms side to side and spun around as he travelled the room toward a small Beauty Land–style table–chair set. He sat down with a plump, slinging his arms over the chair's ears, or the two projecting members at the top.

He turned on an electronic recording device and said, “How delightful is it that I can experience a bountiful breakfast! Is it not delightful that I am experiencing this today—” A large train and truck slammed against his window, backed up, and then slammed again, crashing into his room and running him and the device over.

Shin was a man living in a well-lit downtown area, and there was nothing much to say about that. Something supernatural had orchestrated this attack. As for who, one could only speculate.

Time slowed down, coming to a pause, before the whirls of time and place converged to make sense of everything.

Shin, who was just a man living in his apartment, with all the eccentricities he had, was now changing.

Now, at the moment, instead of his room back at home, he found himself going downstairs at the steps of a medieval tower. It was then he screamed, “What the hell happened to me!”

Meanwhile, back at home, the bomb back in his radio exploded, burning all physical evidence of him except for the obvious electronic records and cloud storage. This was another sign that this situation was not just any other.

Returning to Shin wherever he was, he raged until his feet were stomping the ground. His voice was loud, but the tower's thick stones blocked most of his ranting.

Elsewhere, at the foot of a mountain, a trickle of water dripped on a young woman. “Why is it so quiet here?” she said, her voice full of a awe-struck complexity. When it came to her appearance, she wore a nice blue gown with a star-patterned rug-like skirt with red, black, and a faint orange. Her skin was soft, like sand in the desert when it was most recently wet but without the stickiness, and her facial features undulated like the sides of a lump of dough carefully rolled with precision. Her eyes were depressed, delicately sewn into her face like a button for the clothes. The expression of a smile she had on was simple, that indicating she was versed in all things of practice and practical matters.

Returning to the young man Shin, whose face was ripping apart at the seams from his shouting, knew well that this place was not home or a place of safety, because he saw torches and all manner of construction, and from the window, he could see no peace sign like a familiar modern crowd or a place like a cafe. He was already losing his patience, and it was evident from the way he spoke.

“Argh! My thing is gone! Where's my thing! My Beauty Land set!” He covered his face and rubbed it downwards until his hands dropped to the ground. He was squatting, staring at the lines between and around the stones. This was his attempts to impress upon himself a sense of ease, even if carrying all the means of a toddler emerging out of the woodwork to defecate himself.

But for a moment, even in that small spell of calm, he found himself more than at ease. He grinned and then started laughing. His voice then became quiet for a while, but this laugh reemerged, soon reverberating around the tower. His raging voice was too miniscule and too normal, but this laugh took someone's attention, as opposed to if it was a mere shouting voice that could be attributed to one of the angry guards. This place had little to do with the major region of inspection and concern of the lord, because it was a far-out tower meant for those with little to do with respect and even proper private self-hiding. So a shout one or two here and there frequently emerged from the guard posts, even if it would be altogether hideous in the eyes of a more refined court of nobles. The expectations deposed many from their posts and divested people of their typical behavior, like that of a child being robbed of their precious normal behavior.

In another place, distinct from the one the woman and the one Shin was, a prison guard, seated in a spacious, hidden receptacle, slung his chained mace over his shoulder, making a small tear at the edge of a paper he was doing his best to write one letter. “Sheesh. One of the Joty prison mates got ahead of themselves and started banging both the walls and his mind out!” Having heard Shin, he was thinking that Shin was one of the Joty prison mates, as Shin sounded just like the Joty Family prisoners with his cackling. So he attributed it to the Joty Family instead of the typical guard shouting, indicating that the Joty Family was an event arousing collective concern enough to supplant the more traditional guard shouting of the tower as of recent.

Reverting the viewpoint to Shin once again, he found himself at a murmur: “Are you ok? Am I ok? I am ok!” He did this as he walked in a circle around the same steps, listening to the beat his footsteps and voice made. He started beatboxing, calming himself down with a 3/2 beat. “I'm a Johnny man with a single man by his side taking out the other men. I'm a jealous man with a delicious can of tuna rice in some—something.” It was utter gibberish just like his previous statements, but he had a mind given to such tendencies.'

Interesting that the narrator delicately intones regarding the situation and different points of focus with a detailed, albeit fittingly hurried pace, as if attempting to address firmly the woman, the guard, and the complexities not only of Shin but also of the new world he is in. This is why he might go into detail regarding someone's appearance at times, such as that with the woman, or even consider expressing the detail about the guards and how Shin's behavior does not exist only in itself but raises effects which he then traces to other agents and factors of concern, or even the very connection between new and recent events like the Joty Family and how tradition and recency conflict in ways that interrupt an easy-access direction as to where Shin, in all of his eccentricity, will abound, effecting exacerbations of an otherwise calm and contemplative complexity of the woman, the guard, and their collective histories within this new world. The narrator intends to ensure that some sense of stability can be maintained while recognizing the simultaneous nature of linguistically disparate yet interconnected and inter-impacting units.

It is like the narrator is like a city man being asked to run several times a day, go to the police every time they see a man in a yellow shirt, change their walk pattern depending on whether they saw a particular texture each from a list of seven, and distribute breads to a moving group of ducks when their run is interrupted by a group of men who look to be between 19 to 27 years old.

It would be easy if Shin and all the other characters were 'everymen' or archetypes that are associated most prominently alongside the everyman and the world did not have evolving context that existed 500 years prior at least. If everything was a blank slate written in accordance to a template, the clarity would be automatically a given. It would be like traveling across a city that one has known and memorized over the course of 50 years without much change or shift in destination or infrastructure save for those to which he had gotten used in several days only.

The opposite end of such a story with archetypal characters and a static world could be a postmodern (critique of grand narratives which often entail simplicity and non-complexity), poststructuralist (critique of established structures from which conventional systematic language is obtained), surreal (dreamlike), absurdist (meaninglessness in conclusions) story.


June 19, 01:25:04 – June 19, 02:14:41
Critiquing the Rationalization of Nonsense in Art and the Limits of Objectivity


Notice how attempting to explain the character of nonsense can end up amounting to mere "supernatural" or pathologization.

For example, imagine a scenario where people attempt to edit postmodern, post-structuralist, surreal, absurdist stories by putting their own interpretations of the text as narration. But what ends up happening is that they pathologize the instances in which the main character speaks gibberish as a mental tendency. When it comes to nonsensical events like a truck and a car suddenly ramming his house and killing him, the inserted narration by the edits amounts to mere statements that the event was "supernatural and speculative." They employ a rational approach, but one that rationalizes everything so as to be utterly focused on concrete things like appearance; logical conclusions stemming from step-by-step details; saying openly whether the main character is speaking "gibberish" or whether something is "nonsense" in the narration, as a way to give at least a rational, sensible way to follow the story; stating openly that something is strange, or suggestive or indicative of particular details; pointing immediately the junctures at which points of focus, or elements of a scene, intersect with explicitness; and asserting definitively the conclusion of a logical series of points and events and by what way a scene or series of details and events should be interpreted in general.

This is what I've seen editors, commenters, and reviewers tend to do.

As a result of this rationalization, they amount their criticisms to the statement: "I don't want to try to understand on my own terms, or I don't seek to interpret it on my own." As a result, they choose arbitrary details as a focus of criticism, which ultimately amounts to mere preference. It only is of concern when it is expressed as definitive. They will rely solely on their preconceived idea of a good story and dismiss anything that misses that specific, subjective mark, offering it as the totality of all things objective, because it is harder to live in a world of nuance and complexity than it is to say merely that something is the way it is without any instances of additional detail, complexity, and context dependence.

There would be little distinction between AI and humans if people sought their ideal of objectivity. See what I did there? Their attempts to create a positivist view of novels then falls on subjectivity, statistics, and realism and more traditional standards of beauty, as opposed to the consideration that ideas are often multi-faceted and never so close to objectivity as it is a mere representation offering many ways to view and understand it, that any attempt to create a high-quality work then forces anything else into the extremity of "bad" or "mid." Even if they seek objectivity and empiricism, their attempts to extend their understanding of these so far so as to rationalize, pathologize, and judge prematurely everything is the epitome of their movement. They then become mouth-pieces as opposed to people finding ways to understand things differently by avoiding definitive statements and focusing on growth through tact (a form of practical silence and delicacy with hedging words in favor of nuance such as that found in academia), reflection, and contemplation.

Not only in art, but in academia. Hedging is a crucial aspect of writing academically because it makes room for nuance, compromise, and complexity; rather than absolutism inscribed in language, which can be entirely subjective, as is common in online spaces where tone can hardly be understood except by very close friends. And even then, misunderstand and miscommunication continue to occur, even among people who are sure of themselves. In fact, it is being confident and supposedly realistic that can create undue pessimism without consideration of the actual details of a event because of preconceived notions. They then associate every event as falling within their preconceived framework and overlooking the actual complexities and nuance of the event itself in reality.

The issue is when people embrace the established frameworks we have been given as the very reality in which we live.

We have to cut down the very concept of the objects we see, and even in our attempts to subsume things-in-themselves into our mental and ingrained psychological constructions, including our thoughts of intellect and rationality, we must be wary that this objectivity and positivism we seek could be not actual objectivity and positivism but a creation of our wish fulfillment to be one of many cynical, disillusioned, and jaded individuals who have "found the truth but is only one of a particular group of people who is not blind while everyone else is." People enjoy self-prohibition as much as they enjoy the fruits of cynicism, disillusionment, and jadedness as an indicator of their intellectual or moral refinement over others. In reality, all of these are mere constructed wishes of our unfulfilled minds re-characterized to be objectivity and positivism.

It is not about rejecting conventional scientific thought and giving in to conspiracy theories. It is more so stopping relying merely on systematic process (with accompanying systematic errors and biases) to judge prematurely every specific, complex, and nuanced thing. The established frameworks might represent truths, but the manner in which we interpret them plays a crucial role into determining their effectiveness as frameworks pointing to truths, because at one point do our interpretations color the elements of the framework so badly that the truth is lost, even in the original intent of the framework to reflect reality.

To encapsulate, we do not fit reality into frameworks. We fit frameworks into reality.

People can make fake data make sense because they have frameworks to do that. Fake data can be intuitive even to an expert. We are not statisticians by default, and even experts are not statisticians by default when encountering new data and new dynamics. It is like saying that John is just as likely to pee than he is just as likely to poo in a single day. But when it comes to whether he peed or poo depends on actual data. One could say that John pees more so he is likely to have peed more, which makes sense, but the reality could be that John peed only twice and defecates a few more times because he had a particularly bad stomach. Intuitiveness, heuristics, and biases stem from systematic thinking, and appearances can be very deceiving. 

Maybe John was the type of person to hold in more than usual, but how do we do know that? We don't. We cannot know everything about every single person, and even their self-assessments can be very wrong because not every person documents actively every single thing they do in their lives.

So it can be easy to look at specific, eye-catching, sensationalist, popularly debated events or instances and judge everything based on these highlights, while ignoring an infinity of details elsewhere, only thinking about them in vacuum instances without proper interconnection and systematic synthesis of all of these details into particular complex, nuanced, contextually specific situations, events, instances, and cases.

Movements that promulgate objectivity in a particular area can be ironic, because even if the members of that movement promote something that is true, their interpretations might vary and distort the actualities of the data to support their political ideologies and claims, mixing falsehood and truth. These members might use the key word "objective" in relation to the data or finding, but the methodologies of the study cited might be incredibly limited. But they do not know that. Why? Because they do not actually employ the necessary methods to ensure utmost objectivity even in their findings, because objectivity is only as objective as long as it can somehow, through a magical and nonsensical series of re-characterizations and (wrongful) interpretations, align with their agendas.

Oftentimes, it is people who do not care about the knowledge and how it might help them in any way that deal with an increased level of objectivity, because they do not need or care about it personally, politically, culturally, or even philosophically.

Looking for grand narratives and universal answers amounts to very little in the field of academics, because much of it is incredibly banal if one seeks only to focus on research as one of objectivity.

People love it when something is true and another thing is false, rather than saying that both things can be true. It is hard to live in a world where both complex things can be true, because it is easier to frame it as "You love this thing, so you must hate this other thing!"

In regard to academic dishonesty, when reading reviews, I have seen ones that amount to mere preference without any in-depth and rational examination of the details not only within the context of the genre it is in, but also of the character of storytelling, literature, and language themselves. They are not academics, so it is not academic dishonesty. But it goes to show that appeals to "what I believe to be normal" is insufficient. I have seen other comments that say merely: "I don't like this kind of writing style (surreal, absurdist, and postmodern), so you should read novels with writing styles I like." When people attempt to create objectivity without any form of meta-consideration of the very character of consideration itself and of the character of narrative, they are like pigeons defecating on a chess board. Their statements amount merely to "This is how my favorite novels did it, so you should do it as well." The reason for their low rating can comprise of statements that also end up just being: "He's dumb or stupid because he is mentally ill and psychologically affected by trauma." 

All of these one-star-rating reviews then sound like a bunch of people mistaking their preferences for objective realities based on the definitive and brief (mistakenly concise) tone of their writing, without hedging for the possibility of nuances, like a man looking at a disheveled person who dared to walk on the sidewalk and criticizing them as stupid out of juvenile immaturity regarding the struggles of the world.

It would be optimal if every review was presented as an option or a particular viewpoint. But it is more intuitive to create definitive statements than it is to hedge.


June 19, 02:19:15 – June 19, 02:39:06
Avoiding Polarization: Hedging, Academic Texts, and the Value of Diverse Fiction


Even I'm now wary in regard to mentioning "great evils" because I recognize that it can be fruitless to discussion and even counterproductive. Providing critique for anything is optimally constructive when it comes with hedging and the avoidance of extreme interpretations, which means refraining from mentioning any concept of "great good" or "great evil," because then it would amount to an appeal to extreme good vs. extreme evil.

Amounting everything to mere pejorative terms can reflect an insular viewpoint, especially in the discussion of politics, because it hinders effective communication. In fact, the avoidance of spaces where discussions get riddled with such buzzwords and dog whistles is effective, because such terms serve solely to rally fellows to support (by virtue of liking the comment with the term if in an online space) rather than stimulate constructive development. 

This is why studying academic texts is essential. In social media, the oversimplification of complexities and nuances can facilitate polarization. But with academic texts, that desire to oversimplify (sometimes mistakenly associated with the phrase "clear and concise") is met with opposition in the form of long-reading, highly rich explorations of the complexities and nuances, and plethoric ways by which to interpret and adapt the text into alternative contexts and into practical reality.

This is why fiction stories that explore non-traditional novel routes can be instrumental in distributing an awareness of the divers ways in which the world, cultures, ideas, frameworks, peoples, ethnicities, categorizations, structures, interpretation itself, and the very character of reality, among others, can take shape, be destroyed (through deconstruction), and in a sense, be abolished.

With regard to what specific topics or genres within fiction do I find most effective in promoting these explorations, my answer is "everything." There is no distinction, only what provides most elucidation to a specific person, because there are many classics, but not many classics specific to an individual, because it is theirs alone, not moderated or mitigated by any third party, but for them to savor and by and from which to extract insights and syntheses, that which promulgates not only those individual-classics, but also themselves as unique agents exploring a vast world full of opportunity and great adventure.



[REDACTED]


June 19, 07:10:59 – June 19, 07:22:31
Updated Writing Speed Calculation and Analysis


In 12 hours and 36 minutes, I wrote 15,107 words, which includes a 1,000 page copy-pasted excerpt from a story I wrote in 2011. So if subtracting 1,000 words, it will be 14,107 words. If I calculate this, it would be 18.66 words per minute (WPM). If I leave it at 15,107, it would be 19.98 WPM. In contrast, a while ago, I measured and found that I wrote 11,305 words in 7 hours and 56 minutes, which is included into the above time and word count. If substracting the 1,000 words again, it would be 10,305, amount to 21.649 WPM, or without subtraction, 23.75 WPM. The decrease in writing speed could be traced to the significant increase in specific past detail in the latter part of my written reflections.


June 19, 07:31:00 – June 19, 07:33:05
Memory: Watching One Piece Weekly (Dressrosa Arc, 2015-2016)


It was in 2015 to 2016 that with my siblings and father, I began weekly watching the One Piece episodes that were most recent at the time, the later ones of the Dressrosa Arc.


June 19, 09:53:48 – June 19, 10:13:34
The Fear of Knowing: Preserving Mystery vs. Seeking Answers in Art and Self


I came to the understanding that I fear the known just as much as I fear the unknown. I fear knowing what the game the painting is depicting. No, I want to maintain and preserve my current curiosity and intrigue with the painting as it stands alone as my lens. I am afraid that searching what the game is through Youtube will break the spell of escapism and perfect symbolic fantasy that was created by the painting itself by itself on its own to me, even if the creator made it to depict a particular game. I liken this to the thumbnail of a real-life photo of a beautiful urban scene, with most of the photo taking place in the sky and preponderous clouds. This thumbnail was on the right side on the list of vertically recommended Youtube videos, and I immediately realized that I sought to create perfect peace, because this thumbnail led to a video with wondrous music and the thumbnail as the remaining image throughout the video. I knew that clicking it would bring me to that world, but I also recognize now as I write that instead of clicking it, I might have desired to refrain from doing so; leaving it to remain a thumbnail on the list of recommended videos. It can be compared to having lain down to sleep only to realize that one has not taken a brush yet, but as a consequence of their 'perfect' position seek only to rest and let the brushing resume tomorrow instead; fearing the disruption of their perfect peace. This is the fear of movement and the desire for the still thumbnail image which inspires perfect symbolism and peace. In a similar vein, I desire the stillness depicting in the painting.

I desired to (for; toward) vagueness, and I sought to rule the world through mere escapism, as it lay in front of me still as a still image. I wanted to create within it my domain, for within it, I could be free, trespassing into a whole new light only for my own to abide and reside with such indebtedness so as to be blinded to everything else except to give thanks to this insular thought-creation; where all things are blended horizontally to subsequent distortion, with vertical heights intact. In other words, everything becomes then a horizontal consolidation; where the vertical maintains congruence and intactness.

I desired to open interpretation, that it may lay still within my wildest dreams, without any corruption of the external world. I resist even the use of the word "world" in this paragraph, because I wish to preserve the world of my creation, where only I abide. This still image upon which I stare is not anymore the image-in-itself, but that as the version bestowed upon which me, which I have gathered: that it may remain to me a glorious light. Within it, I might fall asleep and gently awaken to glorious paradise. I fall deeper and deeper into this existence of euphoric escapist imagination. But it is a world where I am blended horizontally within, with my vertical height intact.

I desired the still image, because to me, it represented an open path to an infinite world.

It is very rare to imagine, ever rare to believe, even rarer to see a still image and to gaze upon it and see the unknown of infinities, that which stimulates curiosity untold:—an open path to an everlasting gateway to everything that is and all.

It is strange. Maybe, one day, I will look upon the words as they are written and be surprised at the next words when they appear, because as time passes, the surprise draws thin and the cards lose their flavor, sounding like familiar, broken records that yield little benefit, that which is already squeezed out to full and hearkened to full to the point of sounding like an angry wife. It does not yield anything at all, only disappointing. This is imagination at its most awaited, when surprise hits in a one and a two, or it hits in 3/4 timing, or it goes everywhere and nowhere to a staccato-less drone. This marks its presence, as it exceeds sense and brings in new ways to become perfectly perfect.

Maybe even my exploration of myself yields little benefit, for the absence of known creates beauties unknown.


June 19, 10:16:29 – June 19, 10:17:22
Memory: Wanting "Shadow of Mordor" in 2014


I remember when Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor was about to release or was recently released in 2014. We begged our father to buy it, but he did not allow us. Looking back, it is great that he did not allow us, and I have thought this sentiment many times throughout the past years of reflection when I remembered this past memory.


June 19, 10:21:15 – June 19, 11:53:43
Creative Writing: The Bartender, the Wolves, and the Eloquent Travelers


Pretend to be a tavern bartender who recently some some wolves on the countryside where you live. But you pretend not to know much when people ask about it. In fact, you want them to ask about it, because then you'll count them off from the list of people you suspect. Furthermore, you wish you could just kill off the bandits already, but you are well-aware that things do not always work smoothly. You have to work fast, because time does not let anyone imagine for themselves an easy world. But you believe in consistent morals throughout—moral absolutism. It takes a gentle giant like you to think about heavy subjects like these, and you attribute that to the culture around you, which has had men going around flirting with the use of bone clubs shaped so as to be favorable for the women. It impacted you, but it is only one of your many memories. Do not forget what I just said. This is your life now.



A tavern bartender recently saw some wolves on the countryside where he lived. But he pretended not to know much when people asked about it. In fact, he wanted them to ask about it, because then he would count them off from the list of people he suspected. Furthermore, he wish he could just kill off the bandits already, but he was well-aware that things did not always work smoothly. He had to work fast, because time did not let anyone imagine for themselves an easy world. But he believed in consistent morals throughout—moral absolutism. It took a gentle giant like him to think about heavy subjects like these, and he attributed that to the culture around him, which had had men going around flirting with the use of bone clubs shaped so as to be favorable for the women. It impacted yohim, but it is only one of his many memories. He did not forget what he just thought. This was his life now.

"Why don't I take an adventure?" said a male traveler at the counter. 

The bartender replied in good faith.

The traveler said: "I see. What then should I expect from this town? I've heard stories of people crashing down at the wagon hillsides, where the wagons frequently travel. Oh, they're called the Wagon Sides, a fairly good name I would say, but not one that I seek to diverge into at the moment. What is your profession, besides the typical bartender? I know you are not one to judge a person by their headwear so easily, but what do you think about my clothes or my hair? I know not how people like you have suited yourself and fitted neatly into this little fabric of a village. But I dare proclaim a little express need for a tanned hide, three of pieces of them, that I might finish off the little clothing issues in my clothes. If I may so say, where do you get your 'little bottles' (a term that refers to bandits)? I have little to converse here as regards the weather, for I am not so easily done-in and done-out by a little discussion." In other words, he implicitly said here that he was fine with small talk, which was denoted by the word "weather," if it means he could get around in a discussion. "What say you about the little bottles currently roaming around town? It seems your men and soldiers have not swept them off just yet. It sounds like a racket, don't you think?"

The bartender agreed and expanded upon his words with little contention, only obliged to humor or entertain the traveler without a demanding push from his side. Furthermore, he did make sure to handle to him the foregoing three pieces of hide,

Upon taking the three pieces, the traveler said: "Definitely, with a few short time, there be people that walk around these parts with little to do with their own loins." He meant to say that they did nothing but laze around and possibly engage in delinquent or boorish behavior. "So it is said. Anyway, the course of these issues remains unabated. I am not one to consider the world so well so as to halt you in your matters. Let me be off!" He waved staunchly, and he was off.

After a long time passed, the traveler came again and said: "I return again, after my long travels, I hope this bothereth you not, I have little concern over the welfare of those around me, keeping to myself. I know that this opening statement does little to assuage any contempt toward me or apply a sense of justification upon the All Who Knows High. It is a contemptible thing to consider me a lonesome man that I might commit such boorish acts. In any event, there be people that remain assuaged anyway, such that I come to them in good faith and with a hope that they remain to me a person of gifts and lovely tulips, as I would say back in Tulac. In the world today, one is expected to march onto the road, expecting nothing but his boots to lift him off the ground, for all who doth come cometh with a necessary thing, such as a word or a camel. It is wise, don't you think? I may be a noble, but I have much in the way of caressing this little pit of a town. Sensibly, I am of a maintained apparatus of selves, that denoted by my little fingers all of which proclaim a justice-message. Ha, I've been influenced by the scribes. It has been a long month or a year or two. I have little care for time, but with passing time, I recognize well what I wrought and by what manner I am supposed in all things. There, by people who expecteth a lot, I see now the visages of all things before, heavy swords at the ready, with axes carefully crafted, that it might birth life ever-lasting. I have long-forgotten the old strangeness of the world, and by whose hand I am to depart and fall into that I may lie down in green pasture. It is with great grief to announce the dissolution of this guild, by which the bar has remained in great fullness. What say you about my decisions? I am not that traveler which you knew before, and I have come with a vengeance, for all of the bandits have slain the wives which I have gained and the concubines whom I adored. There are a many method of slaughter, if by the hand of God, I am ready to be cut off, so discretely, and with little perusal of the elements by which all remain connected. In the end, let me wage war upon this house of evil. It has been with a sorrowful gaze I have come here therewith."

The bartender recognized his sorrows and knew that he was not speaking of this tavern in which he was currently posted, but more so expressing a great grief about another one which the bartender had only the traveler to expound that he might gain a tiny bit in the way of knowledge. He expressed this with great patience, believing the man to be speaking in tales and myths, where the words say much but refer to an idea similar in appearance and character but as with the horses' feet and the clouds in the sky, there is no connection.

The traveler said: "I say this not in regards to your tavern; though I do recognize a need to address it. Your tavern or bar perhaps has remained in a wanting state for so long, and I have expressed myself in front of you, that I might consider myself fallen only to rise up again, like a frail sheep placed at the altar that I might evolve again to grace upon grace, shielded by the weapons, the armors, and shields of God. Leave me today, but here is your fine gold, which I have already prepared before arriving. If with great sorrow I return, I come then again with a pouch of gold, if not to please the wife and your wife, if she finds it to be of necessity."

In many words, the bartender thanked him and wished him well.

Later, after a great long year, the traveler returned, and with him, another man, who looked to be twice as tall, but actually only an inch taller, but by the character of his stride, produced much margin of reference, that he might be considered of a great regality. 

The companion, who was the taller traveler, then said to the first traveler: "Then what of the world? By an undying nature, it is then concluded. Questions speak of a man so indistinct that his labors therewith are moved. If to humor him, sure. But to relegate him to a post notwithstanding? He is but removed, and his soul raptured away; that by a necessary want, he is thus divested of his power. By a might' hand only he can be saved, just for him merely to bark at a cloud or a far-bygone another one, that if by choice of luck, he might consider himself of candid pleasure, for barking pleasure, at least, to a relative degree, provideth a sense of pleasurable taste. Little can be said about it, but it, as with many things, by itself is already sensible, that if any sought to explain it, it would like explaining the wind by which all things are already animate."

The bartender was quick to be silent more often than his attempts to detach himself from his proverbial interpretations of the great multitude of many who came here to be seen and to be heard. He knew that it was with great pleasure that they expressed themselves today, as like a female dancer who had recognized her talent, they seek too to be seen and to be recognized by their pleasantries and by their virtuous, plenteous words, if by a great miracle of talent, they are to be boasted about. He was obliged to disturb them. So he shared his greetings and with his words, pointing implicitly at the people around him, if by the character of their faces, they might feign to be obliged to be perfomative. This was done with a great manifold work, and with great timing, because he readied not his own words to speak, but through his sign, prepared the men and women present apart from the two travelers to heed these two that they might be disturbed, which the two wanted, but that the two might act rather as if they were forced to speak, if in so doing, they might be performers. 

The companion and the first traveler were quick to declaim their finest of speeches.

The bartender, after waiting, knew to let the two men finish, if by the character of their conversation, they might be considered rash or properly surprised of themselves, when they, even without a direct response or even a sure glance, were convinced of their great charm:—through the bartender's meddling.


June 19, 10:40:12 – June 19, 11:44:33
Meta-Commentary: Eloquence, Immersion, and 18th/19th Century Influence in Story


I find it interesting that the bartender is given indirect dialogue compared to the traveler, even if it was the bartender who was first introduced and detailed.

the characters are so eloquent, and it immediately captures the scene. There is so much found in such eloquence, when simple words with the function only in mind to entertain a surface audience at the cost of the reality imbued into the moment. This eloquence underscores their attachment to their setting, signifying the reality of their situation.

Relying much on narrative provides little in the way of hope for those who seek to be amazed and immersed. It is easier to hearken to a man expressing his great details, than a narrator feigning objectivity and clarity that he might be of untouchable insistence.

This is inspired directly from 18th and 19th century writing.


June 19, 11:41:33
Figurative Sentence: A Man Ennobled by the Wind


He is as like a man who considers himself to be of great stature, that by the winds blowing by, he can work himself that he might be ennobled.


June 19, 11:57:29 – June 19, 12:05:48
Final Writing Speed Calculation for the 17-Hour Session


In 17 hours and 11 minutes, I wrote 18,164 words, which means the word per minute (WPM) is now at 17.61. If subtracted by 1,000 to become 17,164, it is more accurately 16.64 WPM. My word count decreased as time went on, but as for the quality, it has remained high. Nevertheless, the focus on my reflections has shifted throughout this span of time. To summarize the two previous assessments of this span of time, 12 hours and 36 minutes of writing equated to 18.66 WPM at 14,107 words, and 7 hours and 56 minutes equated to 21.649 WPM at 10,305 words.

[REDACTED]


June 19, 20:49:22 – June 19, 21:00:22
Recalling Local Botanical Surveys and Plant Identification with AI


I have been looking at pictures of my phone, and I remember again that I took pictures of plants and trees around my village. It occurred in three botanical surveys: April 14, 2024, October 26, 2023, and July 17, 2023. The first and third survey also involved using an online AI tool that analyzed the images and matched them to the names of the species, while the second survey happened at night, which made it ineffective in this analysis. To explain, the objective of the second survey was to capture the appearance of plants at night. Refocusing on the surveys altogether, the number of pictures of each survey ranged chronologically, from earliest to most recent, from 74, 12, and 25. When it comes to the objectives of the first and third, the objective of the first survey was mainly to broader my understanding of different non-tree botanical species and rejuvenate my botanical academic interest, while the third survey was done primarily with regard to trees, with the same underlying intellectual rationale.


June 19, 22:03:30 – June 19, 22:04:21
Hearing and Muscle Memory: The Reflexive Response to Familiar Sounds


There is little distinction in the realm of response-reaction when comparing hearing the muscle memory, no? I notice that I flinched immediately as soon as I heard the water bucket overflowing after I left the faucet on for it to fill up. Upon flinching, I would immediately to the faucet to shut it, even without verbal conscious thought. I've done this many times that it has become instantaneous, as if I have been suddenly possessed only about 250 milliseconds after hearing it.

The connection between hearing and muscle memory then becomes reflexive, similar to that of a soldier at the sounds of war.


June 19, 22:33:48 – June 19, 22:35:52
Shifting Concerns: From Personal "Self-Esteem" to Its Historical Origins


You know I'm fucked when I'm reading a book from the early 17th century. When I searched "self-esteem," Google Search shows me all the things that people commonly search it for, but I searched it to locate when it was first used. I found the exact year, 1619, and traced it to Edward Coffin's book "A refutation of Mr. Joseph Hall his Apologeticall discourse." I have changed much. Another example of this would be when I was looking at the 2011 meme "Nyan Cat" just now compared to when I was younger. I could see much more details of the Nyan Cat GIF now that I'm more informed, experienced, and sophisticated.

Simply, at one point, I was one of those people who searched terms like "self-esteem" because I had the same concerns as everyone else. But that has changed, not because of self-esteem itself, but because my concerns have grown much more complex and nuanced enough that I read academic texts from the 17th, 18th, and 19th century and write detailed reflections everyday.


June 19, 22:46:57 – June 19, 23:00:41
Linguistic Discoveries in a 1619 Text: Archaic and Modern Terms


The following is an excerpt from the "Advertisement" section in Edward Coffin's 1619 book "A refutation of Mr. Joseph Hall his Apologeticall discourse."

"Even Cardinall Bellarmine can come in an avoucher of these cosenages, who dares auerre, that his fellow Xavier had not only healed the deafe, dumbe, and blind, but raysed the dead; whiles his brother..."

This is my attempt at using the terms "auerre" and "avoucher" above: "He averred these considerations. He avouched these proclamations."

"Cosenages," "aver," "avouch," and "avoucher" are new fun terms I can use.

"In general" sounds modern, but it apparently was used in this 1619 book. There are other terms like "untruth," "detraction," "detection," "outfacing," and "concluded." Even if these terms are formal, I would have never expected them to be used far back. There are also terms that are not used much today like "pedantical."

"Pedantical" is so easy to understand and use though compared to other terms like 'aver,' which is still a standard term today, and there are many terms similarly unused but easily useable in literature.


June 19, 23:04:51
Developing Proficiency in Reading Middle English: A Mixed Feeling


Fuck... I am actually getting faster at reading Middle English. This is bad and good. It's bad because that is crazy-weird. It's good because I'm learning.


June 19, 23:06:21 – June 19, 23:19:06
17th-Century Spelling Variation and Vocabulary Notes ("Hitherto," "Heretofore")


"Heretofore" can be interchangeable with "hitherto" in certain contexts, but in general, they are distinct terms altogether.

Knowing that 'hitherto' can mean 'until recently' as opposed to being strictly 'until now at this current point of time as of writing' changes things.

Is it typical for misspellings in 17th century academic texts? Or is it archaic spelling? I saw 'therfore' to mean "therefore" and 'cotinued' to mean "continued."

It is more so the lack of standardization, which made it so that varying spellings existed depending on preference and style.

So in the past, it would be perfectly acceptable to write similar to the following sentence in the past.

"In all things, whereof I have remained ignorant, I cotinued to demand a quickeſt apraiſall therfore."


June 19, 23:28:23 – June 19, 23:29:22
The Goal of Study and Writing: Achieving Precision in Describing Past Experiences


This is the reason why I write and study, so I can express precisely what I experienced when I played Minecraft and Roblox and when I went to school. It is hard to describe with mere simple words alone and without academic knowledge. This is why I've studied much, read much, and written much precise, detailed reflections in hopes that all of this amounts to a great precision in my ability to pinpoint the exact experience of playing Minecraft and Roblox: as opposed to a mere narrative of the events, a summary, or an instance of figuration created not as a direct equivalent but rather as an addition, which serves little purpose in truest documentation, but only in embellishment. And I continue to engage in training.


June 19, 23:33:11 – June 19, 23:45:45
Experimenting with the Archaic Term 'Thereunto'


So I can use 'thereunto' like this: "His canvas was already prepared for him in the middle of the room, so he wrote several notes thereunto to begin his contemplation and engage in the inaugural sensations of the room mindfully, that by the 'elicitive' notes, he might readily impart his greatest and finest work."

    "A butler had prepared already his master's canvas in the middle of his room, so upon seeing it, the master wrote several notes thereunto as a way to begin his contemplation. In addition, the master, having done this numerous times before, again found it 'elicitive' of the sensations of the room, that by these elicitations, an inauguration of his greatest and finest work might readily be wrought."

    "A butler had prepared already his master's canvas in the middle of his room, so upon seeing it, the master wrote several notes thereunto as a way to begin his contemplation. In addition, the master, having done this numerous times before, again found the notes 'elicitive' of the sensations of the room, that by the elicitations, an inauguration of his greatest and finest work might readily be wrought."



June 19, 23:45:45
Grammatical Query: 'These' vs. 'The' in Complex Sentences with Distant Referents


    Is it weird not to use 'these' if the sentences are long and complex enough that there is enough distance that using 'these' can cause confusion as opposed to using 'the' merely?

I mean I forgo 'these [object]' in favor of 'the [object]'.

To expand upon the question, 'these' is helpful when there is a clearly close connection between the 'these' and the object to which it refers in a following clause of sentence.

However, the use of 'the' can be used when the connection between 'these' and the referent object is low and challenging to detect due to long and complex sentence structure or if the 'these' is located beyond the first sentence following the sentence containing the object.


June 20, 00:02:21
Tagalog Sentence: Fixing Things Through Examination and Synthesis


Kahit mahirap, mayroon iba't ibang mga bagay na kaya niyang ayusan, na nang sinuri niya ang bawa't bagay, sintesis niya lahat ito.  


June 20, 00:19:53
Comparing Tagalog Literature's Fluidity to 17th-Century English Standardization


I notice that today, while there are standards, Tagalog literature is still very much a wild west of literary exploration and free use of different terms and spellings. This can be compared to 17th century Middle English where all kinds of words, spellings, and terms were used with comparatively little regulation. I have seen people take the rarest Tagalog terms from older books and dump it into their writings, as a way to keep the Filipino spirit alive. This very occurrence is why I relate it to 17th century Middle English.


June 20, 00:35:18
Tagalog Phrase: "Nawala din tayo"


Nawala din tayo.


June 20, 01:12:12
Historical Note: Old English and Latin Post-Roman Britain


It makes sense that 450–1150 Old English and Latin are seen together, because that was just after the end of Roman rule in Britain and the fall of the Western Roman Empire.


June 20, 02:30:32 – June 20, 02:45:31
Diminishing Surprise: Prioritizing Systematic Understanding Over Exhaustive Detail


I am slowly losing surprise. There are many details that I still do not know, but I do not believe I have to know every detail. In fact, I should avoid the idea that to know every detail is to understand history truly. There are many fiction novels that exist and remain of value, but that does not necessitate writers to read them all each in their entire scope that their writings might be considered of validity. Oftentimes, it is by virtue of ignorance and selected knowledge, that already well-reared by culture, which is a sufficient wealth to exploit with regard to output; as opposed to the clause of a detail-obsessed purview of all things.

Just as there are many contexts for each country, so are there plenteous details, that when analyzed, produced little fruit in explaining and exploring, as by a point of generalized and systematic knowledge, one can already well-adapt themselves to many divers contexts; even if their actual well of knowledge might be limited. It is the systematic character of pattern recognition and framework-equipping that is optimal in the height of learning, as detail collection, as much as it can provide future precise reference and resources by which to contextualize specificities, is nonetheless a fruitless labor when in each-and-every-one scale.  

In the end, my explorations into the various cultures have remained in the two sides constricted, that it may bear a fruit: at large, comprehensively efficient and systematically productive, and at the minutiae, with suspicion and a focus on key concepts and terms that might be extrapolated to the by-and-large.


June 20, 03:01:32 – June 20, 03:14:04
Resource Disparity and a Duty to Engage with Antiquated Knowledge


It can be challenging. There are so many resources for English, but not for Latin or Tagalog. It takes much intentional effort for me to look for Latin and Tagalog without encountering limited academic materials. Nonetheless, there are still plenteous works accessible through the Internet. A strange aspect of all of this is that it is uncommon for native English speakers to seek to study every single subject, even if they have a wealth from which to extract and which to study. But that is changing hopefully, with the further promulgation of accessibility. 

There is a serious wealth of academic knowledge for free on the Internet, albeit from many years ago. But that is beautifully astonishing, is it not? I find myself in great antiquated riches, and since I've grown accustomed to writing diligently in my everyday reflections, I've accompanied it with a heavy focus on delivering myself forth into the collections of academic texts, that I might incorporate their lessons and insights, for thereunto I have revived a duty to maintain, if I might, with labor and toil, imbue upon this earth a capital focus without which are nations destined to falter and to repeat the previous generations' faults. Since the inauguration, there are a many that have considered themselves of sufficient status and bearing, that of the rising upper class, so such it is my purpose to carry out the many words whereof many are ignorant that they might be made lucid and singularly important in the midst of a replete shifting era.


June 20, 03:28:23 – June 20, 03:39:32
Relevance Through History vs. Current Utility: Analyzing Competing Products


It is interesting that a product can no longer be relevant and useful as something that evinced the highest updated quality in its most recent versions, yet its older versions, whether constituting outdated physical texts or of antiquated digital media, remain of interest to some historians as a historical wealth outlining each version or edition of the product throughout time: with the most recent versions or editions proving subpar contrary to competitor products which were only established as of recent as to have hardly any history and attendant older versions. Rather than regarding the conflict between newer versions as opposed to older versions, my main interest here concerns the relationship between historically rich v. newly-established competitors and the manner in which relevance and usefulness is maintained; albeit in exactly distinct contexts and ways, each expecting an accompanying methodology tailored precisely. In simple terms, some competitors may be only relevant through their wealth of history, while others may be relevant through being of the highest current quality available.


June 20, 03:54:44  – 

June 20, 04:42:20
Video Language: Accessibility vs. Precision for Self-Development


Should I "dumb" down my language even at the cost of precision when making a video, I would end up making videos that may not go much into depth and may end up bloating the video length in pursuit of the maintenance of utmost clarity and accessibility; which is, by itself and without extra consideration, a positive. However, my preference lies in creating videos that weight primarily upon a precise, academic, and intellectual need; that it may be in specific words distinct, and in my manner of engagement with learning and growth, self-bolstering in more ways than one: because with videos, it will do more than what is achieved by writing, as it will go far and beyond my self (as is represented comprehensively in my autobiography-journal), whereof the video will become an embodiment, a treasury, and a wealth; in service of cooling off the heightened degrees of literary fervor, and also of modularizing the writing fervor, which as yet remains to be allayed. In the end, in view of the advantages which (the creation of) videos merit, I have decided to do it, albeit expecting a marginal response, but out of a rationale that most concerns my self-development and modularization into successively "autonomous" parts, if I might abridge the monolith silo my writing has become, if I might instead make it a complex unity.


June 20, 04:48:36 

The Benefit of Temporary Detachment for Reforming Thoughts


Why is detachment good? Or what I mean to say is "Why is detaching temporarily after engaging in focused study and writing reflection before reverting to focus good?"

It is interesting. My train of thought is lost, but it is a good thing, given that thoughts are representational and largely symbolic in an abstract logos sense. There is no such thing as a thought so complete that it should not be let to be subsumed, adapted, reforged, or birthed anew in a rested mind, that which occurs after detachment and precedes resurgence of focus.


June 20, 04:53:22
Abstract Thought: Perfection, Standards, and Idealism


There is little to do with a perfect unique-person that he might be recreated again in a new form, maybe in a perfect place, that which cannot be replaced or removed diligently so candidly. There is a need for a standard thereafter, so when it is then become the norm, many might say that heretofore, it was always to be excessive or incredibly full of idealisms that it lay unlike a lying fallow field but like a man who had rested but had endured only depression by its company.


June 20, 04:57:19 – June 20, 05:03:28
Art's Disturbance: Music, Contemplation, and Existential Questions


Should I let art disturb my quiet peace? Should I let art comfort me so much that I never find a day of grief? To stare upon a long shore full of loneliness that I fear the ideal of progress and growth in the face of a mountain of words, histories, memories, and details that remains impenetrably unknown to and removed from me has in many been a persistent characteristic of their mental lives.

And I refer to the arts here, including music and all manner of creative effort, even those works of human effort that have their origins in a functional reasoning, but by my interpretation are become labors of light (creative clarity).

I fear that I might lose my mind in the process of listening to music that stimulates contemplation. It makes me question the very nature of everything; even if I have long contemplated this and to the avail only of silence and a sense that I must keep inscribing and working diligently to fruition. But it also provides me with an important line of inquiry: "Why am I reading this very long academic text? Why not everything else? Why this and not that? What about this and that? What about everything in my entire life? What about the things that I have addressed but have made little direct effort in solving? What about the little things or the grander things? What about people? What about this particular creative medium and that and that? What about... And at that point, a long silence of contemplation is announced."


June 20, 05:13:41 – June 20, 05:15:05
Recognizing Uniqueness: Avoiding Narcissism and Honoring Others' Perspectives


I realize that now. I realize that now. I am not others, and others are not me. I cannot expect others to look at the world the way I see it. I must remember that. I must keep that in memory. If I don't, then I will become a narcissist, if I may not already. I have to be patient and think slowly, remembering everything that I may become the epitome of myself. This way, I can fully resolve everything by myself in myself of myself with myself, that I may never live my childhood through others. I do not need others to do that. What I mean to say is that I should be very careful about treating others the way I want to be treated. Instead I should recognize their unique lives and their unique needs. I must look at them as if they are the very soul, the very epitome of ourselves as is distinct from all other races, cultures, ideas, frameworks, and all manner of human category. They are themselves, that which no one but them can singularly comprise. They shall be the epitome of themselves, and it is with great patience I must admit that fact every time for every man, woman, or child, at the facing of them, that upon the eye-to-eye connection, there is already a recognition of the sense of divinity inherent within a singular person. It is here that creation is born, and all which considers themselves above or below them is absolved in this perspective, for they are the interpreter of all things and the creator of all things which they choose and by their view of the world, complexify. They shall remain themselves, and I myself. I must never forget that.


June 20, 05:32:57
The Immense Task of In-Depth Encyclopedia Study


Honestly, I think one would be crazy to reach the point where they study literally in-depth every single specialized topic mentioned throughout all volume of an encyclopedia that they can follow the entire encyclopedia without difficulty. The in-depth studying would involve specialized academic texts, but most importantly, it would be a separate activity that serves to mark a pause until understanding is accomplishment before proceeding further into the encyclopedia.


June 20, 07:02:01 – June 20, 07:12:35
The Cursive Barrier: Digital Literacy vs. Accessing Antiquated Texts


What the hell happened. In terms of digital literacy, I am literally Gen Z and grew up coding. Yet, I cannot read cursive from the 19th century. I can still read letters from decades ago, but not the early 1900s.

21st century cursive is vastly different compared to early 20th century then?

I can barely read cursive from the early 20th century, let alone the 19th century.

Fuck me. Learning print 17th century English is easy, but Latin, deep Tagalog, German, Dutch, and cursive from before the 21st century? Hell na. I want to learn these for academic purposes, and right now, I realize that cursive is really something I'm going to come across when reading at antiquated academic material. This is challenging, but reading outdated cursive should hardly be harder than learning a totally new language.

I don't want to learn how to write in cursive or other languages by hand. I don't care about that. I only care about reading and writing on a keyboard. I have a utilitarian mindset, you see. I just want to read academic texts and reflect by writing in the languages therein so I can confirm precise understanding.

You know what I feel? I feel like someone who has encountered a vast treasure trove, but I do not know how to extract and exploit it. That is what it feels like to discover music, art, antiquated academic texts, historical artifacts, and all manner of beautiful, captivating works but not have the familiarity to reflect upon them in detail, because of a lack of familiarity with the language, etc.


June 20, 07:19:53 – June 20, 07:58:39
Digital Preservation, AI Curation, and the Future of Documenting Culture


I am just happy for people in the future. They will look at cursive like some cool antique rather than be forced to learn it to study the past as much, because nowadays we use the Internet and computers. That should make it much, much easier to safeguard digitally, ensure persistence, much more consistency in many elements of language, writing, communication, and documentation, and ease of formatting.

But reading the cursively written journal "Journal of a Walking Trip" (June 1890) by DeWolf, Halsey reminded me of nostalgic memories which stemmed likely from children's picture books that did explore an idealized 20th century. An example of this particular feeling can be observed in the art album "When it rains in Paris ...." (June 2017) by Jungsuk Lee, which can be found in the creative work showcasing website "Behance".

Talking about this made me realize that the way texts, media, and multi-media content will be connected together will change forever. I did not provide a link there, but it will soon be very much standard not only to provide a link but to provide an archived link of the website and page. In fact, it would be even be best to archive it in "Internet Archive" and "Flickr" if the artist of the art gave permission. All these websites might disappear forever, so archiving the webpages will be imperative. Birthyear and dates, just like they were important historically, will also be relevant in the future, especially when speaking of focal figures. Online or digital Journals and all kinds of personal webpages will be riches in the future in their own way.

I hope we will be able to make it so that the decades are clear. It is impossible to look at the 2010s and the 2020s as the same, especially with how I've personally experienced them. I and many others will make sure that the distinction will be kept very, very clear. Each year will be much more distinct I hope, with so much more documentation.

For example, many might not know what surrealist or postmodern writing is, even if their writing style is like that. If others reject them, they might stop writing like that to fit in, but that might be a mistake. If they were told that their writing was surrealist or postmodern by an AI, what might happen instead is that they learn to appreciate their preference and style. Moreover, AI can make it easier for audiences to find their type of stories, diminishing the chances of them coming across novels with styles they dislike and then giving selectively negative reviews.

Established hegemonies will hate the idea that their stories will be categorized, especially when it normalizes and humanizes their work by precise description and awareness on the audience's part, but it will also give chance to many writers to have a voice and find their audience much quicker. Successful artists want their process mysterious, because that can be a significant reason why people love their work. However, this can make it challenging for newer artists to enter and find an audience due to the mystery and lack of clarification and communication involved, with only highly ambiguous and selective grand narratives sprinkled throughout; giving little ear to anyone with works that a niche might find to be to their liking. AI can hopefully empower creators by maximizing clarity and communication and avoiding the dogmatic hold that established power structures have over what can and cannot be expressed. However, this is only if AI was used with the intention of increasing clarity and not making it easier for people necessarily to pull people down, because AI might be so effective that AI itself creates a power structure that discourages particular novels by minimizing them and maximizing only those that maximize profit. So it is less the AI and more the people behind the AI.

One day, it would be lovely to see a revival in genres like surrealism and postmodernism as distinct categories, even if within them, it could foster power structures. I am hoping that AI itself makes it clear what kind each story is and makes it clear what kind of surrealist story it is rather than making everything vague by leaving it as "surrealism" or any other wide-sweeping tag or term. Again, the goal is accessibility.

Clarity improves personalization and tailoring, so naturally, both people who want a particular kind of story only and people who want a new story every time will have their fill.

One can likely have an AI Chat in the website and allow the reader to ask for suggestions for particular works within the website. Then the page of each work itself will have much clarity as to the kind of story it is, maybe even having a number that shows how different it is from the previous stories the reader read. The AI can get all sorts of data depending on user input, as long as its quantitative data is accurate, and its qualitative data relies not on summaries of works but on knowing every detail like the back of a hand.


June 20, 08:10:04
Acknowledging the Learning Curve and Affirming Past Experiences


It is crazy how much I need to learn to make sense of so many things. I have to learn 5 languages at least and get used to reading 20th and 19th century cursive. This is only for academic purposes.

It's okay that I spent my time playing video games. I do not regret it. In fact, I want to spent time analyzing my memories and my time playing those games. I want to analyze everything about my life because I find all of it valuable. The last several years was a long time of growing, so even if I'm facing all these new challenges, I've actually grown so much to get to this point even. There was a time when all of these challenges were impossible even to conceive. The fact that I can begin considering in my head all of these new projects like analyzing as much art, music, webnovels, and games that I played is only possible because of how I've grown. I've exposed myself to so many academic texts already, but there is still so many more to peruse. I have so many past experiences, yet I have yet to subsume it by analyzing them precisely. However, that will take time, and I have written hundreds of thousands of words. I will have more experiences, and I still have much to learn about life, the world, and everything.


June 20, 10:50:07 – June 20, 11:10:58
The Untapped Potential of Systematic Gestures in English Communication


Why do we not use gestures in the English language? What I mean is that we do not use gestures in English rhetoric systematically. Oftentimes, it's just low-motion movement with very basic gestures for emphasis, mainly done stylistically or arbitrarily like a signature or a personal gait. But it lacks the same systematic character as those found in many previous civilizations.

I believe that gestures, specifically those tensing the entire body, from hands, to legs, to torso, and movements are essential for communication, even in the English language. However, as said earlier, it is very limited, and many people, especially Gen Z in the age of visual digital devices, might find it more intuitive to be given visuals like pictures, slideshows, and videos instead of a man merely talking and gesturing in front of them from what I have seen. Ted Talk videos and one particular Harvard psychology course published on Youtube are examples where people might be wiling to listen to a man talking; however, this is concentrated among professors and people who already have spent much time teaching. It is atypical to find it done in everyday life in a systematic manner even within academic settings, when it does not involve a podium and a stage, only largely concerning basic gestures that are done instinctively, which is not necessarily bad. But this is contingent upon whether others respond well to it, so it is more so instinctive in a consensus-building manner; as opposed to a systematic framework of 'gesturalization' that can be readily deployed in various audiences, settings, and contexts.

Even in high school, I have rarely been taught to engage in gestures, which are largely relegated to a theatre, performance, and dancing. This has largely limited communication by reducing people to still-standing figures in roll call arrangements or pencil-like lines; as opposed to the emergent ways communication can reap fruit in an adaptable manner through the comprehensiveness of systematic full-body communication. When body language is taught, it is limited to standing still and gestural movements that are very basic and constrained compared to that seen in casual human walking and in sports, and a specific province for gestures are often absent. Those "badass" scenes in movies, TV series, theater, and animations demonstrate the power of gestures, posture, clothes, lighting, and all manner of communication beyond mere words, not only for kids and young teenagers, but also for adults as evinced in politics, where "scandals of awkwardness" can destroy the reputation of a candidate.

Should still-standing arrangements be balanced with high-tempo, high-flexibility gestural movements like that in sports and military exercises, it would not only be good for physical education and health, but also for advancing communication skills and the role of visual, gestural stimuli in creating a scene or matrix ripe for growth and accessibility.



June 20, 12:28:09
Questioning the Timeline of Early Art and Human Evolution


Wait a minute, if early humans started making bone artifacts and art in 50,000 BC, then would not 4000 BC to the 2000 AD be a large enough leap for some kind of evolutionary change?

But why the cut-off at 50,000 BC for the first bone artifacts and art? That could mean biological evolution might be faster than first thought?

but why are the first bone artifacts and art around 50,000 BC rather than much before to indicate a gradual sparse evolution. It feels like so narrow or thin a cut-off to be at 50,000 BC?


June 20, 20:10:26
Catastrophism vs. Uniformitarianism: Seeking Accuracy and Middle Ground


which is more accurate today? catastrophism and uniformitarianism

why is it always that the middle ground between opposing seminal past theories is correct? I mean it's probably frequency bias, but I guess it makes me want to appeal to the middle ground every time


June 20, 20:15:03 – June 20, 20:41:23
The Importance of Original Editions and Historical Context in Science


I lament that the first edition of "Theory of the Earth" by James Hutton has not been digitized yet. There is a physical copy of the original first edition, but it costs 15,000 Euros. I would buy it just to digitize it if I could, but ain't no way I'm spending all that money for a book. If I was a European millionaire, sure, but all that money sounds like it could be used for something else. Plus, I'll be one of only a few people who give a clicker (cares) with regard to whether it is the original first edition book rather than reprints.

Reprints still have the same content, but it still gets me when I cannot read the original. Medium is important too, so I care about how the books is presented, even if it merely aligns with established standards of books at the time. Still, the same way I am wary of newer video games that serve to be a modern "reprint" of older seminal games, I am wary of book reprints. It can mess with the head to see anachronism, because I want to keep past and recent works separate in my head.

It would be best to keep works separated by time. That is my logic. The original first edition book represents its time, and books published (not reprints of older books, but originals) recently represent their time here in the modern day. This way, historically, we do not mistake science and knowledge to be this timeless spaceless monolith silo. It can cause students to be misinformed about the scope, scale, and history of the world, life, and everything.

This is why I am aware of videos as a way to engage with science and history, because they barely scratch the surface and can induce that feeling of a monolith, because videos can be very modern, possibly affecting the viewers' perception of the content themselves in an anachronistic way. 

The reason why this is imperative is that we will end up repeating history and reinventing the wheel when we should have traced the roots and history behind many seminal works which are now reprints and foundations in higher schooling today. They are the Works That Must Be Studied in students' heads, limiting their view to a mere static "I must study these works in front of me as they are without context or consideration of their deep history and the proto-ideas that shaped their conclusions, thus exacerbating repetitions and instances of wheel reinventions; impinging upon the growth of science as a whole."

Instead of understanding how humans got to those points in time, whether discovery or invention, this viewpoint gazes at discoveries and inventions dogmatically as they are without question. We engage in rote memorization, and when we write essays, we focus on how they are expressed (no true in-my-own-words and in-my-own-mind reflection beyond mere 'paraphrasers') currently instead of their material basis of reasoning and history. We lose everything that the thinkers brought, which was not only conclusions, but syntheses of pre-existing ideas, works, and history. If we limit ourselves to mere dogmatic indoctrinated 'memorizers,' we lose a great wealth that the thinkers, especially the humanists, egalitarians, and Enlightenment thinkers, intended to pursue.

Simply, a rhetorical question for this could be: "What is the point of secular thought if not to question even the secular?" And this is not a call to conspiracy theory, but to studying as many seminal academic texts as possible regarding a subject while simultaneously engaging in detailed reflection.


June 20, 20:56:22 – June 20, 21:12:24
Revised: The Importance of Original Editions and Historical Context in Science


I lament that the first edition of "Theory of the Earth" by James Hutton has not been digitized yet. There is a physical copy of the original first edition, but it costs 15,000 Euros. I would buy it just to digitize it if I had appropriate funding. In addition, the people who share a concern with regard to whether it is the original first edition book rather than reprints are few and limited, possibly even among professionals.

Reprints still have the same content, but the absence of the original persistently demonstrates a loss in effective medium. Medium is imperative too; therefore, by what manner books are presented plays an essential role into communication, even if they may merely align with established standards of books at the time without much stylistic distinction. Similarly, there is a case of loss to be made as to newer video games that serve to be a modern "reprint" of older seminal games. It can contribute to thematic anachronism, if not to actual anachronism and mistaken attribution, in wide-spread interpretation, because when past and previous works are rarely segregated so as to be discriminated each distinctly, it can develop into a loss of nuance in regard to contradistinction and historical accuracy, not only in writing, but within cognitive intuitions.

The segregation of works by time supports a more precise succession. The original first edition book represents its time, and books published, not reprints of older books, but originals, recently represent their time here in the modern day. This way, historically, students do not conflate science and knowledge to be this timeless spaceless monolith silo. It can cause students to lose focus of the scope, scale, and history of the world, life, and everything, thus leading to potential misinformation.

In the same vein, videos are a newly established way to engage with science and history; however, they barely scratch the surface and can induce that sense of a static entity, because videos represent the advancements of 21st technology, possibly affecting the viewers' perception of the historically rich content themselves in an anachronistic way. 

Consequently, laypeople could end up repeating history and reinventing the wheel when they could have actively and individually traced the roots and history behind many seminal works, which have ended up now as reprints and pillars in higher schooling today. In a student's perspective, they might be described as "the Works That Must Be Studied," limiting their view to the following static statement: "I must study these works in front of me as they are without context or consideration of their deep history and the proto-ideas that shaped their conclusions, thus exacerbating repetitions and instances of wheel reinventions; impinging upon the growth of science as a whole."

Instead of understanding how humans got to those points in time, whether discovery or invention, this viewpoint gazes at discoveries and inventions dogmatically as they are without question. Learners engage in rote memorization, and when they write essays, they focus on how they are expressed (no true in-my-own-words and in-my-own-mind reflection beyond mere 'paraphrasers') currently instead of their material basis of reasoning and history. They lose everything that the thinkers brought, which were not only conclusions, but syntheses of pre-existing ideas, works, and history. If they limit themselves to mere dogmatic indoctrinated 'memorizers,' they lose a great wealth that the thinkers, especially the humanists, egalitarians, and Enlightenment thinkers, intended to pursue.

Simply, a rhetorical question for this could be: "What is the point of secular thought if not to question even the secular?" And this is not a call to conspiracy theory, but to studying as many seminal academic texts as possible regarding a subject while simultaneously engaging in detailed reflection, with the recognition of history (knowledge) not only by the 'sedimentation' of content but by their 'geological' histories.


June 20, 21:27:45 – June 20, 21:36:36
Lamenting the Lost Spirit of the Early 2010s Internet


I find it sad that the Internet is so fast. It went too fast that the spirit of the early 2010s is now gone. It did not have time to be academically explored in detail while it was still happening.

Flash games, old Roblox, early Facebook (from since 2009 to the early 2010s), among many others.

I thought I could just analyze it in writing and move on. But I really do miss it. It's not about happiness. I just feel like it was not given much study and exploration before leaving. I mean, even if it is better that the pace is much faster in the Internet, I still feel saddened by the loss that might be inevitable with the incredibly fast pace, which brings so much good.

I don't know what to feel... I guess... That's it then... Maybe I'm just like those people who missed the times when letters were normal and the vibe was still the 20th century. I have read children's picture books that capture that nostalgia of the 20th century.

But still... can I not feel nostalgia and not feel like I'm just doing the same thing as previous generations? I want to believe that what I had in the early 2010s was special, because I know it had a lot of bad and limitations. But still, I miss the good parts of it. Maybe... I'm forgetting the good parts of today, because I can see the bad and challenges just as easily. But it's not about whether it's good or bad. The early 2010s cannot be replaced, that's for sure.

One of the things I learned is that it's not because people do not respect the Internet and its wealth for academic exploration, but because it's just so fast and vast that it's hard to pinpoint, identity, and explore even a single one.

Is it okay to be sad? I want to feel sad, even just for a while. I know I can easily just watch a fun, exciting video and be done with that sadness. But I feel like I need to be silent and be sad for a moment. I have lost so many things in growing up, but I have gained so much in the process. Well, it's less that I have lost so many things and more so that I have experienced and moved on. But now that I've grown up, I reflect on what I've experienced, and it can feel like I've lost much when I've been gaining this whole time. Just because I have moved to other things does not mean it's all lost. In fact, the fact that I'm reflecting on the past and those past things demonstrates that my current self has the opportunity to make sense of everything much, much better than my past self could ever do. I have spent much time in reflection and self-improvement, and my past self is the one to thank for that, because he kept moving forward and on, not letting the past tie him down. But the present me wants to return to the past to appreciate everything that I've done, including all my unfinished projects and past experiences that were not fully explored in detail or addressed. I will address everything as much as possible. I still want to continue those older unfinished Roblox games that I had made. But that will take a lot of confidence and direction to do, and I am still making sense of things. So I might attempt to continue those unfinished stories and games after I feel that I've given myself enough space and time to grow, reflect, and make sense of things.


June 20, 22:28:11 – June 20, 22:48:12
Origin and Context: "Sitting in Berlin Thinking of Elephants in Botswana"


The following is a recent saying, but do you know this?

"You're sitting in Berlin thinking of elephants in Botswana."

It can be used metaphorically, but it originates from when Germany intended to impose stricter controls on the importation of hunting trophies to help eliminate poaching. The context here is that the elephant population of Botswana, due to successful conservation efforts, has exploded, reaching now at 130,000 elephants, which inhabit 40% of the country's land. This is causing a ton of issues for the local residents, as the elephants damage properties, eat crops, and trample people. To control their numbers, Botswana sells hunting licenses to rich foreigners who pay to hunt elephants. The money from hunting licenses is then used to improve the lives of the local people to discourage them from pouching. Since Germany is one of the largest importers of hunting trophies, their stricter controls on their importation would hurt Botswana. This stricter control was announced by the German Environment Minister. In response, the president of Botswana once said: "It is very easy to sit in Berlin and have an opinion about our affairs in Botswana. We are paying the price for preserving these animals for the world." He also threatened to send 20,000 elephants to Germany and remarked that Germany should "live together with the animals, in the same way [Germany is] trying to tell [Botswana] to.

This is majorly a copy of the Youtube Shorts video titled "Botswana Threatens To Send 20,000 Elephants to Germany" by "DougSharpe".


June 20, 22:32:10 – June 20, 22:39:42
Explaining the Internet Saying: "Take Your Meds"


The following is a fairly recent Internet comment section saying that is directed toward comments presumed to be made by older people who are in need of medication due to mental health issues and cognitive decline that arise out of complications with age. These focal comments are often targeted for their involvement with racist remarks or other traditional discriminatory views that have been historically related to 20th century generations, who are now in their later years.

"Take your meds."

For example, when a comment sardonically said that Germany would rather have 20,000 roaming elephants sent from Botswana than the current "pests," a pejorative that has been used to refer to immigrants, in response to the recent promulgation of open border policies in Germany, replies to this comment included, "Take your meds," or an analogous variation.


June 20, 23:03:07
Lamenting Lost Digital and Physical Artifacts from the Past


I have burned many of my books metaphorically. I have many valuable artifacts and many works that have been deleted as a result of a lack of space. But recently, I deleted my web novels from a peer-produced publisher because I felt that I was getting the wrong audience. It hurts to remember the many "books" that I have burned because our earlier computers could handle much less space and the Internet was too slow and often conflicted between devices using the same network to upload and download videos and all sorts of files. It would have been great if I had a systematic process already, but my digital literacy was limited because I had to use the family computer, which everyone else used. This meant I had limited time everyday to use it, and once I did finally get a personal computer, I had already lost many older files and relics of the past. There are many more beyond digital artifacts that I have lost from those old computers—especially physical ones.


June 21, 00:25:01
Information Loss Due to Lack of Book Digitization


There are so many books that have been "burned" through inaccessibility because of the lack of digitization. 


June 21, 00:28:11
Early Video Platforms: Yahoo Videos, Google Video, YouTube, and Lost Content


By the way, I was wondering whether Yahoo Videos, Google Video, and Youtube was most popular in the past

It is unfortunate that many videos from Yahoo Videos was deleted just like that. It is a good thing that Google Video brought all the videos to Youtube, although privated. Hopefully, one day, these videos might be released when they're out of copyright, if that will be even a thing or the same thing a 100 years from now.


June 21, 01:05:15 – June 21, 03:10:29
Story Tags, Author Persona (Balthazar Hawkes), and Story Title


Tags for stories: bartender, book, chapter, essay, fantasy, ideas, literary, literature, medieval, old, philsophy, story, wrold, writing, travel, village, town, city, noble, bar, tavern

Brand description of profile picture that I got with the help of ChatGPT and used in Copilo Designer:  "Chinese-Filipino. Tall and sturdy figure with a weathered face and neatly kept hair. Wears simple and well-maintained clothing, like a rugged tunic or shirt. In a tavern, where they blend in comfortably with their practical attire."

Balthazar Hawkes is a Chinese-Filipino novelist.

The Gentle Giant and the Tale-Weaving Travelers


June 21, 03:09:42 – June 21, 03:27:15
Questioning Reader Motivation and Seeking a Framework for Public Engagement


I do not understand things anymore. Why do people read other people's works? I find myself questioning this right now. Why should I put my work out there? I would not go looking for works like my own, or maybe I would given that it is presented well enough. Maybe the fact that I'm making a website and taking diligent efforts to fashion my works a certain way contributes potentially to its distinctness that others might find it pleasurably unique and irreplaceable.

The only works I read are older academic texts right now, so I do not know why people would read my fantasy stories at all. I do not have a systematic framework in my head to understand why people would read my work. I mean, it's not like I do not know how to write, but even if I've learned writing much, I still feel in the dark in regard to a systematic framework in relation to the reasoning behind why someone would read my works.

Should I release my works? I feel like I'm totally blind to why others might read my works. I love my works and find them to be of great pleasure not only to read and to write, but also to accumulate overtime. However, I do wonder why and how someone would ever find my works of interest. It is not that I lack confidence or feel that it is bad, but I do not know exactly why people would like my works. I can describe my works very comprehensively and understand well what makes them distinct and stand out. I've written psychologically realistic works with themes of postmodernism, poststructuralism, surrealism, philosophical fiction, introspection, highly vivid and figurative scenes and actions, and very stylistically immersive scenes, among many others.

I can even easily identify scenes by tags, so I am not necessarily confused as to writing and storytelling. It is more so that I feel that even with how much I've studied, I have not much developed a systematic framework for identifying the reasoning why people would search and be charmed by my works.

The following is an example of tags that I have done for a particular scene, showcasing my ability to characterize my novels with precision and a familiarity with search engine optimization keywords or search terms: "bartender, book, chapter, essay, fantasy, ideas, literary, literature, medieval, old, philsophy, story, world, writing, travel, village, town, city, noble, bar, tavern".

I can outline and identify my stories with ease, because I am not only a storyteller, but as hinted by my mention of my enthusiasm with reading academic texts, I love writing my detailed reflections in the form of formal, academic, structured essays. So I do not only have much familiarity with storytelling. I can also elaborate in both non-fiction contexts and in fiction contexts with ease; embracing both clarity and imagination; conflating these aspects into well-roundedness.

Yet I have yet to create a system of identifying reader reasoning in regard to my works. 

I have spent much time in thought, but I have encountered setbacks and, in the process of finding my audience, have encountered disapproving readers outside my target audience. In response to this, I have dialed back my public online operations and retreated to self-improvement cycles of coding websites, writing detailed reflections, and other personal skill-building activities. I do yearn to return to the public eye with a clearer purpose and more precise framework for dealing with the experiences I've accumulated during my studies of provocative and challenging public experimentation.


June 21, 04:43:36
Observation: Trend Towards Larger Web Font Sizes


It's becoming a trend now to have 18px or 20px font sizes right?


June 21, 05:01:48 – June 21, 05:06:06
Considering Titles for Journal Entries via Markdown Headers


It would be great to have titles in each of my journal entries, but part of me feels that's somewhat against the point. That will make me want to make every journal entry structured enough that it merits a title. It would make it much more clearer and structured, but at one point, what would be the distinction between this and an structured journal with sectioned articles as opposed to that diary-style journal.

I try to keep even headers and section titles at a minimum, so it aligns with a no-title diary-style journal. The goal is to make it very straightforward, so it can be very structured at times or more casual. Actually, I realize that I can give the journal entries titles with , so never mind. I was more so questioning whether I should make it a functionality in the code of my journal website or not. However, I realize that the journal text itself is markdown, so I can just easily add the equivalent of  in markdown. And that would show in the website.


June 21, 06:25:05
Dislike for Digitally Revived Classic Fonts on Screen


I hate digital revivals of classic fonts like Caslon. They read bad for me digitally because I'm used to reading PDFs even in the computer

They're too 'big-headed' as in they're closer together and bigger like a child with a big head


June 21, 09:55:43
Website Aesthetics: Stylized Theming vs. Plain Simplicity


What is the value of a website experience that uses a stylized webpage with a background image and fonts evoking themes of older academic texts as opposed to a plain white or black image using one of the simplest fonts, Segoe UI?


June 21, 22:24:41 – June 21, 22:52:11
Lamenting Internet Polarization, Fake Self-Awareness, and the Need for Critical Detachment


I lament the fact that people are now turning to the Internet to the extent that they are basking merely in polarization. Almost every Youtuber is reaching the point of offering something new by pointing out the issues in a show of "I'm different from the rest"; however, when you watch their videos, they end up speaking polarized brain-wash (oversimplified, dogmatic, and opinionated content) anyway. These fake "self-awareness" videos are now being used as a marketing trend, as teenagers grow older and start looking for people who have new ideas. However, in the end, it is all marketing and a way to make it seem like their polarized perspective is better, while all else is bad or dangerous. I lament that teenagers excessively attached to the Internet lack the critical thinking skills to realize that they are falling for the same sensational articles their parents and grandparents did growing up. The only difference is that it is tailored to them by using their words and their terms to make them feel like someone is answering them and knows their context and problems, as opposed to their parents and grandparents who are "too stuck-up to know anything." There is this illusion that people who point out the issues are offering something new, but in reality, they end up becoming sensationalist drama channels that have a notorious history for using all kinds of ways to get clicks, whether it be click bait through "Top 10 scientific discoveries" like in the past or clickbait through political buzzwords, "hit pieces," and drama like it is nowadays. We thought much less critically in the earlier days of Youtube; however, just because we are addressing political issues, concerns, and who we perceive to be bad-faith actors does not necessarily equate to critical thinking. In fact, it could potentially worsen our critical thinking by exposing us to sensational political rhetoric. The repackaging of ideas that were already present into ones that appeal to the younger generation (such as through Youtube videos) can amount solely to propaganda, as it was at the time of the newspapers. And it can be as deleterious as gossip and letters, two historically rich methods of communication.

The best ways to challenge rhetoric is never thinking anything so special so as to answer all our problems. Make every idea banal, including revolutionary ones, and keep them as historically dispassioned as possible if it means that one can guarantee never placing emphasis where unnecessary.

We should imagine ourselves observers of our plight, that we might surgically detach ourselves if it means it is only with a surgeon's external hands that we might gain completely control; for within ourselves lies bodily disfunction and the mind is affected by it. If we are to solve our own issues as we are affected, then we will guarantee the loss of our bearing and that of our self-control, that we might fall farther into a necessitating delusion, and not that merely of a specific idea. In fact, any idea can become a delusional one if it is so believed so as to be discard the idea itself for the sake of dogmatic acceptance. If ideas are to believed that they are not questionable (not necessarily in the conspiracy theory sense, but in one that takes the time to study the history of ideas), then we have completely fallen into delusion, whether or not the idea is actually true.

As opposed to that in guilty and innocent where all people are innocent until determined guilty, ideas are the opposite, where all ideas are potential manipulators until proven credible (or theoretically useful) by personal study of the historical context and by which ways we have arrived at each idea in a successive series of changes, revisions, and updates throughout time, as it was handled by numerous thinkers from various quadrants of the world, if we so might appreciate them and gain fuller recognition of the banality of even the wisest professors. Then we will have washed away the sedimentation that had accumulated from our excessive accepting.

Moving on to a more personal tone, oftentimes, it is better to live a simple life enjoying music, friends, and family in a community than to engage excessively in political rhetoric that polarizes. Polarization can make people lose fundamental aspects of being a healthy human being.

In regard to some people who have gotten "sucked into" the Internet sphere, I honestly just want to tell them: "Hey man. Want to read a webcomic I thought was pretty cool? Do you like reading? How about fantasy books? Oh, there's this one fantasy book that I thought was pretty neat. Or do you like traveling? I have written down a detailed book regarding that actually. I have a whole map too, so it is a digital website that serves as the book, with the Google Maps marks and everything. If you like traveling around these parts, I can tell you all about it and how it looked like a decade ago. I still remember well." There would be many things I would and could tell them. There is so many things about life that can be hard to pinpoint in words, but maybe that is enough. Just finding a way to make sense of it all can be challenging, and it can involve a lot of stress, especially when we're being pressured and expected from. But when it comes to living life, there is also much to talk about in respect to beauty, fun, and living. It is just that we can forget that and become engrossed in things that ultimately have little impact on ourselves except to break us. Hope remains essential, and if we are to become obsessed with doing certain things, we might end up hurting ourselves and the people close to us in the process. It can be difficult to see life if someone has lived a harsh life, but for those who still have much to live as they are still young and may not have experienced the stresses of growing up, please do not get entangled with the misery all around of people who have not had a good life. Misery loves company, in the end.


June 22, 00:19:05
Searching for Authentic Old-Style Fonts Digitally: "IM Fell Double Pica"


I know segoe ui and similar fonts are most readable, but why do I love old-style fonts?

damn it... I just love old-style fonts a lot. I love reading older academic texts from the 19th and 18th century. They all have really awesome feels. But everywhere I go on the Internet. All the fonts have been made to be readable, even old-style fonts. It is hard to find old-style fonts that look like the ones I read in the older texts because they have been made more thicker and more tighter in order to be clearer.

I can tell the difference. "We" in older texts has the "W" twice as big as the "e", as opposed to digital ones where the "W" and "e" are close in size with only 15 to 30 percent difference

I think I found a font that fits the font I was reading in Lyell's "Principles of Geology": "IM Fell Double Pica."

I'm surprised that I would find it in this weirdly named font.


June 22, 01:50:41 – June 22, 01:55:48
Achieving Website Perfection: Satisfaction, Growth, and Clarity of Vision


What the hell... Is it weird to reach the point where I feel like I've perfected the site in terms of all the key features I wanted, the fonts for both the desktop and mobile versions, and the layout in both desktop and mobile. I never thought I'd ever feel satisfied with a website I've created, but after spending so much time, I think this is it.

I thought I was just making stuff up in the sense that I'm just working hard on it just because, without actually understanding what I'm doing. I thought I was going to go in cycles and that there was never going to be a perfect site that fits my preferences. I thought my preferences were going round and round, but it did have a destination. That is interesting, because I thought it was going to be one of those things with which I will never be satisfied.

Most things in life make me feel like I will never be completely satisfied with them, but I guess there is a destination for each project. It is just crazy to reach the point where I'm not just being fickle and going wherever and not having a destination in mind. That was not the case for the above-stated website: I did have a destination in mind, and I reached it.

I guess it's natural to doubt whether what I'm doing is really coherent or if there is a concrete goal that I'm truly working towards. Or if I'm just being fickle and changing my mind without actual empirical reason. However, based on what I've seen, my judgment is consistent and reliable in the sense that I can pinpoint why I liked something and pinpoint why I did not like something. I don't feel as confused regarding my judgments and preferences as I used to be. I guess that's a very good thing. It's weird knowing that I've reached the point where I don't just go wherever my feelings take me, and that these feelings actually have something real in mind.

Oftentimes, for a long time, I've felt like I'm just directionless and experimenting, but I guess because now I feel full of direction, vision, and clarity, that means I've grown since then.


June 22, 02:41:24 – June 22, 02:53:44
Existential Concerns: Coding, Adulthood, Dispassionate Analysis vs. Experience


Coding is so weird. It's like I can spent months making projects that I care about, but at the same time, it can feel so weird to do so. I feel like coding is a waste of time sometimes, especially when I see the state of the world and how many people are suffering. There is this desire to abandon everything, but I don't see any practical reason to do so. I have to keep coding, learning, playing music, studying, writing, reading, and learning about this big world. However, there is this part of me that gets a little scared, a little nostalgic, and just a tiny bit overwhelmed. The world is vast, and I cannot hope to amount to it. I have seen many people talk about children in Youtube comments, and it hurts to see that I am no longer a kid. Now people, who are adults, can talk about core memories as if they were analyzing it dispassionately. However, we, when we were kids, lived that. They weren't 'core memories' as that dispassionate term describes. They were our very lives, and they were our fun and games and everything. I don't know why growth has to be this way. Why do I have to be among adults who all see childhood as this distant disparate thing. I understand that I cannot pretend to be a child anymore, and I cannot pretend to be ignorant regarding many details of the world that I have come to learn and understand better throughout the years of growth. However, I still really care about the small things. I remember what it felt like to see people struggling and grieving and having a harsh life everywhere, whether in fiction or in real life. I have seen so many people suffer, and I cannot pretend. I care about all of that. My child self cared about so much and so many things. I saw a video a while ago that made me realize that coders or programmers struggle with socialization, and it's not that I struggle with it because I've had plenty of other life experiences that have exposed me much to people and socializing. However, learning that there are categories, stereotypes, and tendencies have made me feel a little bit existential. 

All of this has led me to conclude now that there is just much to consider, and all my efforts, whether they involve coding, writing, learning musical instruments, or studying, among others, even if they might be successful, do sway when they are considered in respect to everything else and all the serious things and dynamics of the world.

I understand that generalizations are not reality, but it does scare me to think that the risks associated with particular qualities or aspects, such as coding, do exist. And these generalizations, albeit not being based in reality, can be beneficial approximations to recognizing the issues that people within particular groupings or categories experience.

I understand that generalizations are limited and do not encapsulate the full reality of individual experiences. I get more so scared of dispassionate analysis as it applies to adult v. children dynamics and differences and risks associated with particular qualities such as coding, while it may be productive, helpful, and rational, can introduce an element of existential concern as human life is not meant to be experienced wholly rationally, because it can erode the grasp of real human experiences, to which I can attest from vast and divers memories growing up.

It does worry me how limited people can be in their dispassionate circumscriptions of reality. This is what leads me to read textbooks; however, it is also recognizing that both textbooks and generalizing notions, such as the adult v. child dynamic and the risks associated with particular professions or qualities, can be dangerous as well, as humans need to retain an experiential comprehension of what it is like to be a person growing up, especially as a child yet to be affected by rational experiences of thought, which can prove ineffective when addressing the nuances and complexities that children, as they are first exposed, encounter.

I have many particularly unique, specific, nuanced, and complex past concerns and experiences that have yet to be addressed today, despite my exposure to many textbooks, ideas, and viewpoints. This is where the necessity of experiential comprehension comes into play, as it goes beyond that of theoretical sense and extracts from the highly non-deterministic (in the sense that it cannot be managed with simple frameworks alone, by even those said to be highly precise) reality of life.


June 22, 03:35:11
Font Choice: Switching to Sans-Serif for Mobile Readability


I notice that I've made all the serif fonts in my website sans-serif when adapting to mobile. It's challenging to enjoy reading serif on mobile, especially with long texts. I find that even if serif is more pleasurable with long texts, it only is the case when it is desktop. But in mobile, the brain desires optimal immediate clarity, so sans-serif becomes the default, with a few exceptions.


June 22, 04:48:05
Re-asking the Question: How to Learn a New Language?


I've asked this question many times, but let me ask again: "How am I to learn a language, a new one?" I already have many resources, such as books in different languages, and I know it can be difficult to learn. I also have Duolingo, and I have engaged in videos wherein those languages were spoken. I have resources also in learning those specific languages.

[REDACTED]


June 22, 06:08:30 – June 22, 06:28:18
Stream of Consciousness: Fructifying Darkness, Finding Grace, and Embracing Emergent Beauty


I will go about, run about, and fructify every single thing that comes my way that I might create beauty out of the darkness. There shall be a great awakening, and everything that will come after will be the epitome of myself. There shall be no more noise or nonsense. Everything shall again to the start. It will be a grace and an awakening that I might become King of the darkness. To be gone, to be gone again! I wish to become Nothing-Burger: all of it shall fall to the ground. Moreover, I will become gone, and there shall be a great awakening through it all. My rationality and my bespoke grace; that I might be free again. Oh, to be free again! I wish only to become the freest man alive, that I might kill the Enemy of Darkness, by which point, everything will fall apart like a toothpick hitting the wooden flooring. At that point, I will Become Gone.

There shall be plenteous fruits all around, for I shall have fructified them, by which point, grace shall become the Epitome of All Things. It is here that grace shall be achieved; whether or not it is created by the Kings of Darkness or by the Kings of LIght. I shall be there at the beginning of all things, and I shall be like a patient laborer toiling about in the early hours of the morning. It is here that I shall become King of All Darkness; by which point, it shall be truly grace upon Grace; Grace Upon Beauty; and Grace Upon All Kings: At that point, it shall be Heaven Itself. Let Grace be Grace And Hope Be Hope!

And when the time is come, I shall become a man who had gone the long way and thought about as many things as possible, euphorically toiling by; that all shall be brought again to the start of all starts. This shall be all things combined and amalgamated, if not to wipe them out completely not for the sake of erasure, but of beautification, that of the Conversion of Death into Life!

I shall emerge like an egg singing songs of hope, by which point, the world shall turn heavily upon me, and I will dance like a man who had lost his legs, because in my head, I would have wished to have legs again only to move them as if they were still there. So I dance like such, but I do have legs! And I do dance with all my might as if checking if they were still there! I do dance with my whole soul, and my mind is embodied in flesh. There I shall Be at the Beginning of All Things!

Tender voices roam about, and I hope not to fall to the greatest darkness. But I hope to emerge like a flower, recognizing that which I am, but also recognizing that which I am not. I sing songs of hope and songs of love that I might become the greatest thing of all things, not out of arrogance, but to wish to be among the clouds, all within my brethren's embraces, all of us together, in one collective unity of saints, hopes, lights, stars, pleasures, beliefs, ideas, considerations, experiences, and beautiful elements. Let us become One in God Alone. We shall become not God, but be within God as He is our Savior. And he can be All Gods and No God, but he shall become today our symbol of Hope; not in a sectarian way, but in a way that encompasses all things, whether spiritual, non-clerical (secular), metaphorical, symbolic, musical, and all other manner. He shall move for us, and we, within Him, shall become the Epitome of All Things.

Sun falling down, and emerging again. Where did it go? There I was and there I am again. To be gone! Oh, to be gone! I sing a song of love. Who can answer it? I wish upon might and again, hoping that this world becomes the Epitome of All Things. But I sit down next to a door, looking out the window and seeing the beautiful sun. Upon this day's emergence, I am come. I have seen it all, and seen nothing at all, both blind and enlightened. I am Become Normal; and for everyone else, I carry but a spiritual blindness. I am blind to all things, because I have faith in He Who Must Go, not God of the Abrahamic faith, but God of this metaphysical thing that we must all enjoy together in a singular consciousness, not to the extent of waging war in hopes that all recognize it. But in our daily goings, we see the joy in front of us emerging before us, that we might see it for its beauty and become here a beautiful thing. It has never left us. It has never considered us invalid and false recipients and beneficiaries. We are the gifted. Let us be enlightened.

We have gone the long way, and we have seen many things. We have gathered our hopes us like packages forged in snow. This here is our salvation, for all my memories are a deep troublesome well that we must all fill together. If I might see through it and see through its little parts, that I might engage in contemplation, I will falter in a bit, but for that moment of hesitation and analytical consideration, I will have created life, not out of the present day, but out of the recognition of that which has come, that even as a child or as an adult, we altogether recognize the goings of life, that which has yet to come (as a child) and that which has already come (as an adult). There are graces far beyond every shadow, that we might consider it and weigh it lightly, before pondering its deepest inclinations. This is grace far beyond the shore with which we have acquainted ourselves. Let us recognize it here and now, not become enlightened that we have lost the single thing we have left, which is our souls, but in our goings, we see beauty emerging before us. It is a to-day thing, that as we go about our daily behavior, we to-day see.


June 22, 07:52:39 – June 22, 08:16:09
Critiquing Anachronistic and Sectarian Language in Academic Historical Texts


It can be easier to tell that an author is Christian and Jewish when they repeatedly use Biblical metaphors to potential misunderstanding, even if they are talking about Mesopotamia, an incredibly diverse country, basically coloring the entire thing as a framework that only Judeo-Christian imagery can solve.

For example, this one author used the metaphorical phrase "Garden of Eden" in reference to Mesopotamia, though he did not format it with quotes, potentially causing misunderstanding that he intends for Mesopotamia to refer to the Garden of Eden in the Bible.

This is crucially why I have an academic preference for non-sectarian academic texts especially in regard to ancient history.

Instances such as that above-stated impedes communication and accessibility, especially for those with other sectarian viewpoints that might conflict with their usage or particular usage of Biblical terms for figuration.

It gives a sense of anachronism when the author continues to use recent terms that could conflict with the actual historical focus. For example, Mesopotamia might have had many different terms that would apply historically to them, as opposed to using terms that are more recent and could conflict like Biblical terms. Even if the character of the Bible has a rich history: how its used today can cause anachronism due to the evolving nature of terminology, especially sectarian imagery.

I have repeatedly encountered anachronisms in oft-suggested historical textbooks; some academic honesty through declaration of the scope of their meanings and intended purpose for particular terms and through recognition of potential opposition to their particular use of their terms goes a long way in favor of constructive discourse. In other words, mitigating the deleterious effect of anachronisms and the lack of addressal and clarity regarding possible contention is an essential component of dispassionate objective historical discourse.

It is imperative to maintain circumspection that one may not go without a consideration of the weight of issues terms cause in regard to ambiguity, anachronism, and insular frameworks which serve only to cast the light of recent viewpoints upon a comparatively rich and ancient history. Historical fictions have at least the disclaimer provided that they are admitted to be inaccurate or oversimplified being works of fiction. However, when these fictions are written such that they cast a heavily suggestive light upon a particular matters of history, such that even if they are admitted to be history, without a careful academic outline of credible citations and methodology in regard to their conclusions as they are manifest within the story, then it could be considered to be a form of propaganda, misinformation, dogma, or bias, albeit more implicit. However, this remains to be 'fiction,' which as a term, carries enough nuance to be discouraged as a credible source of knowledge. It is more importantly when the work is portrayed to be factual when concern becomes of best interest to the layperson and to academics in the event that the work reaches prominence. Clarity, addressal, a committed synthesis and collation of counterpoints, and a commitment to dispassioned comprehensiveness is optimal.


June 22, 08:20:14 – June 22, 08:39:00
Loaded Terms, Loving Failure, and Grounding Academia in Lived Experience


I can see why the author might be concerned in regard to terms. I, for one, have never really thought about the dangers of using particular terms with respect to historical realities. However, inevitably, part of me has found it challenging for countries to use specific terms, because it not only is loaded such that it has been used in many conflicting ways. But as a consequence of this, it is vague and suggestive, especially in political discussions where a "clockwise twist" of the term can immediately rally one side and another counterclockwise twist of the term can instantly rally the other side. A very powerful term that has been one of contention due to its popular use is 'feudal' and 'feudalism.'

Politicians have frequently used loaded terms to win voters from conflicting sides. Therefore, it would be optimal if this was not replicated in academics.

This is why I am in love with studying the history of models, theories, and frameworks. All the arrogance falls out of the window when we realize our limited we are at all times no matter how confident we are and how much we feel like the pinnacle of civilization. It is lovely to see models, theories, and frameworks fail. It is lovely to see erroneous ideas throughout history. This is why one of my favorite themes in my fiction stories is failure, especially in regard to having confidence in a plan or theory for how things are (philosophy and scientific), how people are (economics), and how they themselves are (psychological, but also related to philosophy, sayings, and science); and then ultimately failing. I am more in love with failure and the grandiosity a character feels in attempting challenging feats that require much confidence to achieve (comparable to new ideas). The confidence or pride before a fall is a beautiful experience to write.

I love it when people use complex theories and then fail to control their emotions because they failed to get what they want, not because I feel hatred, disgust, or some twisted form of schadenfreude or violent thought, but because I love it when people realize that reading books or having tons of life experience will not make one invincible. Flexibility not only within one's ideas and knowledge but flexibility in going through events that change them is optimal.

That is why I love it when I struggle, because I can finally see that I am only a person. This helps me contextualize others' struggles, challenges, and experiences better. Struggling myself and being able to cope and accept those struggles healthily fosters empathy and a much more nuanced and complex understanding of ideas.

Ideas that we cultivate rationally and analytically then become much more valuable because of this healthy approach to struggles.

I love reading economics because I know how bullshit it would be to take this so serious that it becomes my only source of judgement. I laugh at the idea of reading this and taking the models so seriously that I forget what it feels like to be a child again. Imagine being so dispassionately analytical that one forgets what a dog is again. Imagine that. So much theoretical and analytical knowledge, yet all ultimately useless because of an ungrounded perspective.

Just read it like a very detailed analysis of the world. Well, more like a 100-word summary of a world that's worth infinities upon infinities of words.

I realize in a way, I'm still a child. I'm just as ignorant as I was when I was young. I might be dealing with all of these academic texts and reflecting upon them in a detailed manner. But I am a child that way. At the cost of all of these particular ideas I've selected, I also am distracted away from (and effectively ignorant of) other experiences and ideas.

The best way to look at life is "I am so dumb." That is the best way to look at life. Of course, I mean in a healthy way. Everything complex, nuanced, and analytical comes afterwards.

This makes me realize that children are highly intelligent, though in a way different from adults.

When I was so young, I enjoyed so many things, and I could see the beauty and empathy in so many ideas, nuances, and complexities. As I grow old, I transition to text as a way to experience these, but it will never be the same as when I was a child.


June 22, 09:00:07 – June 22, 09:01:13
Pattern Recognition, Misidentification, and Adulthood's Access to Wonder


I guess it is true. The brain is trained to recognize patterns, so the reason why I keep mistaking ants or a random visual combination as baby cockroaches is because I've seen them long enough to have them in my automatic memory.

Being an adult is realizing that all of the wonders of the world that we wanted to explore as a child are now at our fingertips as an adult with our renewed, informed, and experienced mind.


June 22, 09:05:02 – June 22, 09:11:05
Ambivalence Towards Children's Stories and Writing Complex Characters


I hate children's stories, but I love them at the same time. I feel nostalgia, but I hate how oversimplified it is compared to my current informed, experienced perspective as an adult. I hate how all the characters seem so immature and do not weigh the complexities of reality. This is why as an adult, all of my written characters are intellectual (not that I'm intellectual) in that they ponder philosophy, science, and all manner of academic interest or idea. I cannot for the life of me write characters who do not have matured and comprehensive portrayals.

However, I know how to write the characters present in children's stories, but in the same language as adults. I am capable of writing those immersive, atmospheric narratives, while still having characters and writing styles that would appeal to initiated adults.

However, children, of course, will struggle to recognize the logic of complex characters. This is why narration needs to be kept suitable for children. But the language can offer all kinds of personalities and ways of speaking. It would be ideal to have a character through which to immerse themselves, another character for intellectual adults, and other characters for different kinds of people. However, it is going to be limited. I cannot have diversity to the point that I have every main character be of a different type of person. I still need to go into depth.

Sometimes though, it can be more beneficial to delve into a single character. Some stories benefit from concentrating all control into a single protagonist. Some might say that it can be repetitive, cyclical, or even over-familiar. However, that is the point. This is the most one-to-one experiences possible between protagonist and reader.


June 22, 10:43:50
Preference for Drawing from Mind and Sensibility, Not Imitation


is it weird that I hate drawing by imitation?

I love trying to draw representational art and I love seeing my struggle to draw representational art. But I hate drawing by imitation. I prefer drawing out of sensibilities that do not arise out of imitation of a seen object or one within a photo or image. I prefer drawing with my hand alone and with my mind and cognitive tendencies to wander and to put together complex machines (both literal and metaphorical). I love drawing out of my mind's tendency to re-create, not necessarily by imagination.


June 22, 12:02:08
Custom Website Outperforms Templates for Specific Needs


I don't understand. Why is my site better than the Wordpress templates? I guess it makes sense. My sites are customizable and can be mixed with python, etc. with ease. My site is also tailored for my content. I was surprised earlier to find that none of the sites matched up with what I intended to do with my content. And my site, which I already had completed, was a better match than any of the temples.


June 22, 12:17:06 – June 22, 12:37:06
Website Strategy: 'Procedural Overload' for Gradual Reader Introduction


One of my techniques for scalability, but also clarity is something I call 'procedural overload'. One can start off with a single site that serves as a place for greeting the reader and normalizing them to you, without applying any specific lean or pressure much. The goal is to comfort the reader and make them feel like you have answers and that you are speaking to them and preparing them and clarifying to them what is happening here. This is directness, accessibility, and clarity at its highest because it directly admits the necessity to explain the reader-author relationship and delves into that immediately. Afterwards, links to different sites that serve as secondary places in the order of depth and specificity. This goes on and on to third, fourth, five, sixth, until it reaches the most intimate parts of the author. Comparing it to first base, second base, etc. or the steps in a relationship can help. This procedure making up a networks of sites need to be arranged such that it feels like a stranger meeting for the first time. In stranger-stranger dynamics, they often focus on direct connections, such as the fact they both met at a specific place, event, or etc. In reader-author greeting pages, the first website, the author can treat the very specific place of the Internet or where the author expects the reader to have found them as a direct connection to draw reader interest, confirmation, validity, recognition, and immediate relatability and attachment. It is like showing a leaf to a child and showing them what  that is like before introducing them to the scale of a forest. It can feel nice to be in a forest, but that usually relies upon previous learning experiences of the child to make sense of. Or else it can be too much for a child, but that depends on how it's handled and the context. So the technique of having the reader go through these steps is efficient and optimal. However, that is only the case if the reader is a stranger except for the part that they are in the Internet, which might be the only direct and consistent connection in the reader-author dynamic. So the approach ensures that this is crystal clear and addressed instantaneously.

One of the things that made me turn off and leave blog sites was that there was no content, no introduction, no reader-preparing, and no clarity as to what was going on. This left me confused as I went on, reading. The longer I read, the more confused I got. I just felt like the author was probably aimless too, as they were writing what looked like poetic passages and posted them as a blog. The issue was that without proper introduction and smoothening or transition. It just seemed like a detached poet who spoke in gibberish. This is what it is like to read stuff like this without background context, explanation, direct reader-author experience, introduction, and a systematic approach to reader retention.

Online journals or blogs can only be interesting when we at least know who the author is, what he is about, his interests and dislikes, beliefs and frameworks of thought, and ideas and general opinions. However, more importantly, first and foremost, it is the direct reader-author connection-ship that determines wins. Addressing firsthand this is imperative. If the author blabbers on about himself without a proper recognition of the circumstances and context of the reader, then he will feel detached and oblivious. Go to the reader's level and then bring him down, like a man going out of his comfortable house to prepare the guest for living here, relaxing, and getting to know the city and place, before easing him in with conversations, discussions, and much context with regard to basic questions and some nuanced questions. Then, afterwards, it will take much time, but the goal is to wander around and talk about things that are both relevant and obscure, while still being clear and aware of the nature of these things. If they are relevant or trending, say it is so. If they were obscure or esoteric, say it is so. It is only when this type of trust, honesty, directness, and clarity is established that any idea or notion of stepping inside the man's home pops into the guest's mind.

We are not a museum. We are a person, or more accurately, a master of a home. And the reader is a guest and a stranger. There is discomfort and tension already upon arrival. It is the master who must allay these affects and provide credible grounds that the stranger might consider him. This is only the first step of course, and it will take patience, time, and lots of simplicity. The master cannot dump everything that concerns him and that he knows upon the guest immediately. He must be a patient guide and honest simple man, who readily answers basic questions. The guest is circumspect, so risks within his mind must be dispelled with truths, tact, and reliability. The master has to balance the art of recognizing the dynamics of adjusting his words, language, tone, and direction that he might bring the guest at ease. The guest is the one at a disadvantage, not the master, as the guest had been the one to toil in breaking out of his comfort zone to leave his home and travel in harsh weather and rough roads that he might meet the master. So the master must be gentle.

The familiar places like a cafe where the master takes the guest before the guest is to enter the home could be websites with which most Internet users are familiar, like Google, Youtube, and other sites to which anyone would not feel uncomfortable traveling. Then, the rest will be a succession of increasing depth of content and stylism, beginning first with clarity, directness, and reader-author addressal.


June 22, 12:44:52
Draft Text for Website Greeting Page


Hello everyone, this is a website I created in order to show you guys that there are a lot of things that I currently do online. For one, since most of you came from the Youtube channel, if you enjoyed my storytelling, then you might enjoy these as well:
1. Enjoyment
2. Party
3. Fun
4. Cool
In addition, there are other things that I want to say, so I am just adding more text to this in order to test it! Yehey!


June 22, 16:31:06 – June 22, 23:04:43
Full Draft: "Hello Reader, From Yokseekan" Introductory Webpage


Emphasis: This webpage serves as an introduction to my writings, a form of preparation to make sure anyone who reads the website is up to speed and can follow my thoughts and ideas. You may skip ahead to the website, but I suggest you go through this roadmap with me. It contextualizes a lot about my writings.

With regard to my stylistic decision-making, I believe I can argue sufficiently for it. For one, despite potential contention regarding the use of the term "roadmap," the following passage can still present as one; albeit one done with a more postmodern writing style or post-structuralist approach that aligns with my later-stated perspective of language, communication, and ideas and frameworks such as the 'idea-state.' I prefer if my writing is not too structured, but all thematically related to exploring my perspective and my particular way of writing, even if at a first glance, it seems disjointed. In conclusion, my writing style stylistically pinpoints my overall viewpoint as it rests upon numerous details, including those in the following passage.

Hello Reader, From Yokseekan

Readers' Introduction

Reading Grade: Middle school reading level 

Greetings, everyone. Whoever you are, whether you were born in the 1900s, 1910s, 1920s, 1930s, 1940s, 1950s. 1960s,1970s, 1980s, 1990s, 2000s, 2010s, or even 2020s, hello! There is a wide scope of people now online in the world today; however, the proportion of ages who are going to visit this site will vary overtime. The following gives some context regarding different age groups and their online habits:

Different Age Groups and Their Online Habits:
1. Teens (13-17 years old):
- Daily Internet Use: Many teens are online daily, with a large number using platforms almost constantly. About 71% of U.S. teens use YouTube daily, and 58% use TikTok daily. Snapchat is used by 51% daily, and Instagram by 47% (Pew Research Center, 2023)
- Screen Time: During the pandemic, screen time for kids and teens increased significantly, with many spending more than four hours a day in front of screens (SlickText, 2024).
2. Millennials (26-41 years old):
- Social Media Preferences: Millennials primarily use Facebook (87% at least once per week), Instagram (71%), Snapchat (52%), and Twitter (42%) (Target Internet, 2024).
- Screen Time: Millennials spend a significant amount of time on user-generated content platforms like TikTok and YouTube. They also tend to use streaming services heavily (SlickText, 2024).
3. Gen X (42-57 years old):
- Social Media Preferences: Facebook is the most popular platform among Gen X, with 76% using it, followed by Instagram (47%), Pinterest (40%), LinkedIn (40%), and Twitter (39%) (Target Internet, 2024).
- Online Behavior: This group often uses social media for shopping and researching products. Their online activity tends to be influenced by the authenticity of brands (Target Internet, 2024).
4. Baby Boomers (58-76 years old):
- Social Media Preferences: Baby Boomers predominantly use Facebook, with many also using WhatsApp. This generation has shown increasing engagement with social media platforms over the years (Target Internet, 2024).
- Screen Time Impact: While they spend less time online compared to younger generations, they still form a significant online presence and are targeted for social media marketing due to their spending power (SlickText, 2024; Target Internet, 2024).

References:
- SlickText. (2024). 30+ Average Screen Time Statistics for 2024. Retrieved from SlickText
    Target Internet. (2024). How Different Age Groups Are Using Social Media 2024. Retrieved from Target Internet
- Pew Research Center. (2023). Social media use among US teens, by demographic traits. Retrieved from Pew Research Center

The Internet; 2010s vs. 2020s:

Reading Grade: Upper elementary reading level 

The world is a big place today because of the Internet, which makes it easier for people to connect and share ideas. It's important to know that everyone is different. We all have unique ideas, thoughts, and ways of looking at things.

I was born on January 20, 2003, and I've seen a lot of changes in the world. In the 2010s, things were different from how they are now in the 2020s.

I was there when many now-popular things were still babies, like Roblox, League of Legends, and Minecraft. And I saw the ways of life of people in real life and in the Internet. It was much, much smaller. It was a time when 5,000 players in a single Roblox game was a lot of people. In fact, I do not remember seeing that high count ever in those early days. Nowadays, there can be as many as over 100,000 players in a single Roblox game. This is not just addition, but multiplication! The more people there are, the more they multiply! This means they multiply in speaking, making games, and sharing Roblox to others, and many more! They pass through one very important part of the Internet, like a boat in a river. They pass through something called the "algorithm!" The algorithm decides how content made by people, like games, are sent out to other people, like a letter service. Compared to the early 2010s, the algorithms of many platforms like Youtube and Facebook are much, much faster, mature, and comprehensive like a giant robot.

The Internet is so much faster, and it only gets faster as it grows, like a monster that keeps eating and has a mouth that gets bigger and bigger.

Waking Up in the 2010s:

Reading Grade: Middle school reading level 

I remember waking up and going outside for long walk. It was a mix of memories from elementary school and being homeschooled. After I got homeschooled, I travelled often and began participating more in community activities. With my computer-playing friends and siblings, we took turns playing at home or we went to the Internet cafe (called a "computer shop" in the Philippines, at least where I grew up), even during the years when we did have multiple computers because we played with friends. Returning focus to my community activities and travels, these developed and taught me so much about different kinds of people, because the Philippines, especially in Metro Manila, was full of different kinds of people, with different appearances and ethnicities. It was not 'ethnicities' for me back then. It was only just people. Hundreds of them. I befriended hundreds during my travels, but these relationships only were active as long as we attended the same events. And we did often for years.

Sooner or later, after a lifetime of experience, possibly amounting to numerous novel series totaling more words than the entire "Lord of the Rings" novel, things soon ended, like ten thousand journeys into ten thousand different worlds finally stopped.

But they stayed with me, and they remain in my head as sources of inspiration, knowledge, experiences, history, culture, context, people, friendships, ideas, language, diversities, places, communities, dynamics, events, activities, "funs," and lives, among others. I can write forever about my life, because it is an ocean that has yet to be uncovered. 

The following phrase can be used to describe me:

- Observer: I was an observer to what I experienced as a million worlds.

Imagine Living Multiple Lives:

Reading Grade: High school or College reading level 

I've felt like there was much to explore and consider in my life. Watching movies through my family's CDs and DVDs (from now-defunct "VideoCity" which rented them out) and in the cinema taught me this notion. The sense of curiosity, adventurer, and wonder did not need to be taught. It was shown through the picture books I read as well. Going outside, traveling, being part of many communities and events, and befriending many people in real life was essential to this development of curious insight. This is the reason that even after all my years, I still see a big world, like I did as a child. As I read older academic texts and write my detailed my reflections in my digital journal, I find myself in awe as I would at a tree as a child. I can re-appreciate a tree, not as a child that had seen it for the first time and had yet to understand it, but as an adult who can analyze it and understand it beyond my 'proto-reflections' (early thoughts that serve as precursors to my much more complex reflections) that I had had as a young boy.

What I saw and experienced form the material basis for my current ideas and notions. In other words, I am only making more precise my reflections that I might capture the complexities and nuances of the world as I firsthand experienced them.

This is how it feels like I have lived so many lives, not because I have lived, died, and reincarnated again, but because I have been a part of so many phases that each saw me completely immersed and attached to everything within this phase. It felt like each was a story of its own, and my life could have ended at each phase without too much tension on my part, because each was life-fulfilling. Looking back has only intensified this notion of immersed phase fulfillment.

Reader:

Reading Grade: High school or College reading level 

I can talk about life in my particular world. But first, let me recognize the different people in the world. There are many of them. America is a vast country. Russia is rich in history. Asia is a large place. Now, that may sound like all three are somehow the most important and that the descriptions I used for them are exclusive to them respectively. But that is not true. In fact, the best way to look at the world is to realize that vastness is not how individuals experience countries necessarily. We do not actively experience the vastness of Russia if we were born and grew up there, unless one has travelled all across it by necessity. When we grow up, we experience the vastness of our homes first, then our neighborhoods, then our cities, and then our regions. But that takes a very long time, and it cannot be so easily described as one person attached to an entire country. There is too much that exists within a single country for each person within it to be considered shallowly superficial that they are mere replications of a country's vastness. No, a country is more than just its vastness, because its people are more than just its vastness. People, individually, are not actively in recognition of the vastness as they actively experience life. They instead experience such things representationally or symbolically. We experience the idea-state perceptually for the most part. When we experience the symptoms of civilization, it can be challenging to pinpoint particular life experiences without circumscribing them into a particular individual's life. Any general understanding can be mistaken so as to be relevant or accurate, when it might be a framework people fit themselves inadvertently because it is the norm. We are all trying to fit into the 'norm jacket' that everyone is supposed to wear, even if that means looking at ideas as if they are real, like the vastness of one's country. The vastness is real, but it is not real to our experiences the same way a tree in front of us is. We may experience the effects, but we may not recognize it in first person as if we are gods capable of experiencing such a vastness full of peoples, cultures, activities, events, goings, and all manner of energy. We may only be told of it, that we might look upon our situations and hope that it applies to all, vice versa, or both; that we might make sense of our lives, even if we are relying much on interpretation as it is shared, ideas as they have been established, and scientific knowledge as they are consumed. The first-hand experience never goes away, and it remains so in the midst of all ideas and frameworks which lie above the surface, but never inside that it may penetrate the real-life experience in an essence-to-essence collaboration, because we are mere communicators of representations, not actualizations.

My Writings Are Useful to Me at Least:

Reading Grade: 9th to 10th grade reading level 

I recognize that all of this can mean little in the 'end,' whatever that might mean. It is all too hard to define anything, and this introductory webpage does not serve to provide clarity in the sense that everything will be known, full, and clear by the end of this. No, in fact, it might make things clear, but it can also stimulate more questions. That is the point. I hope that these writings provide you as a visiting guest, after having long exited their comfort zone and traveled in rough roads and harsh weather, would experience if they were invited to a local cafe by the master of the home at which they had planned on lodging.

My Fiction Writing Style and by It, My Worldview:

Reading Grade: College or advanced academic level

Now before reading, let me explain that the following story does not depict my views whatsoever, but it serves as experimentation on how people might see the world if they were given opportunities to express themselves in full, as opposed to being tied down to slang words that might insufficiently communicate the entirety of their emotions, even with body language. The goal is to present characters at their most precise, and at their most declaiming; that I might guarantee their sense of self throughout it all, without any disparagement from my side or any jealousy between the characters: as they all share a considerate grace uplifted by a recognizable linguistic sophistication, unbothered by the weakness of imprecise speech.

A tavern bartender recently saw some wolves on the countryside where he lived. But he pretended not to know much when people asked about it. In fact, he wanted them to ask about it, because then he would count them off from the list of people he suspected. Furthermore, he wish he could just kill off the bandits already, but he was well-aware that things did not always work smoothly. He had to work fast, because time did not let anyone imagine for themselves an easy world. But he believed in consistent morals throughout—moral absolutism. It took a gentle giant like him to think about heavy subjects like these, and he attributed that to the culture around him, which had had men going around flirting with the use of bone clubs shaped so as to be favorable for the women. It impacted him, but it is only one of his many memories. He did not forget what he just thought. This was his life now.

"Why don't I take an adventure?" said a male traveler at the counter. 

The bartender replied in good faith.

The traveler said: "I see. What then should I expect from this town? I've heard stories of people crashing down at the wagon hillsides, where the wagons frequently travel. Oh, they're called the Wagon Sides, a fairly good name I would say, but not one that I seek to diverge into at the moment. What is your profession, besides the typical bartender? I know you are not one to judge a person by their headwear so easily, but what do you think about my clothes or my hair? I know not how people like you have suited yourself and fitted neatly into this little fabric of a village. But I dare proclaim a little express need for a tanned hide, three of pieces of them, that I might finish off the little clothing issues in my clothes. If I may so say, where do you get your 'little bottles' (a term that refers to bandits)? I have little to converse here as regards the weather, for I am not so easily done-in and done-out by a little discussion." In other words, he implicitly said here that he was fine with small talk, which was denoted by the word "weather," if it means he could get around in a discussion. "What say you about the little bottles currently roaming around town? It seems your men and soldiers have not swept them off just yet. It sounds like a racket, don't you think?"

The bartender agreed and expanded upon his words with little contention, only obliged to humor or entertain the traveler without a demanding push from his side. Furthermore, he did make sure to handle to him the foregoing three pieces of hide,

Upon taking the three pieces, the traveler said: "Definitely, with a few short time, there be people that walk around these parts with little to do with their own loins." He meant to say that they did nothing but laze around and possibly engage in delinquent or boorish behavior. "So it is said. Anyway, the course of these issues remains unabated. I am not one to consider the world so well so as to halt you in your matters. Let me be off!" He waved staunchly, and he was off.

After a long time passed, the traveler came again and said: "I return again, after my long travels, I hope this bothereth you not, I have little concern over the welfare of those around me, keeping to myself. I know that this opening statement does little to assuage any contempt toward me or apply a sense of justification upon the All Who Knows High. It is a contemptible thing to consider me a lonesome man that I might commit such boorish acts. In any event, there be people that remain assuaged anyway, such that I come to them in good faith and with a hope that they remain to me a person of gifts and lovely tulips, as I would say back in Tulac. In the world today, one is expected to march onto the road, expecting nothing but his boots to lift him off the ground, for all who doth come cometh with a necessary thing, such as a word or a camel. It is wise, don't you think? I may be a noble, but I have much in the way of caressing this little pit of a town. Sensibly, I am of a maintained apparatus of selves, that denoted by my little fingers all of which proclaim a justice-message. Ha, I've been influenced by the scribes. It has been a long month or a year or two. I have little care for time, but with passing time, I recognize well what I wrought and by what manner I am supposed in all things. There, by people who expecteth a lot, I see now the visages of all things before, heavy swords at the ready, with axes carefully crafted, that it might birth life ever-lasting. I have long-forgotten the old strangeness of the world, and by whose hand I am to depart and fall into that I may lie down in green pasture. It is with great grief to announce the dissolution of this guild, by which the bar has remained in great fullness. What say you about my decisions? I am not that traveler which you knew before, and I have come with a vengeance, for all of the bandits have slain the wives which I have gained and the concubines whom I adored. There are a many method of slaughter, if by the hand of God, I am ready to be cut off, so discretely, and with little perusal of the elements by which all remain connected. In the end, let me wage war upon this house of evil. It has been with a sorrowful gaze I have come here therewith."

The bartender recognized his sorrows and knew that he was not speaking of this tavern in which he was currently posted, but more so expressing a great grief about another one which the bartender had only the traveler to expound that he might gain a tiny bit in the way of knowledge. He expressed this with great patience, believing the man to be speaking in tales and myths, where the words say much but refer to an idea similar in appearance and character but as with the horses' feet and the clouds in the sky, there is no connection.

The traveler said: "I say this not in regards to your tavern; though I do recognize a need to address it. Your tavern or bar perhaps has remained in a wanting state for so long, and I have expressed myself in front of you, that I might consider myself fallen only to rise up again, like a frail sheep placed at the altar that I might evolve again to grace upon grace, shielded by the weapons, the armors, and shields of God. Leave me today, but here is your fine gold, which I have already prepared before arriving. If with great sorrow I return, I come then again with a pouch of gold, if not to please the wife and your wife, if she finds it to be of necessity."

In many words, the bartender thanked him and wished him well.

Later, after a great long year, the traveler returned, and with him, another man, who looked to be twice as tall, but actually only an inch taller, but by the character of his stride, produced much margin of reference, that he might be considered of a great regality. 

The companion, who was the taller traveler, then said to the first traveler: "Then what of the world? By an undying nature, it is then concluded. Questions speak of a man so indistinct that his labors therewith are moved. If to humor him, sure. But to relegate him to a post notwithstanding? He is but removed, and his soul raptured away; that by a necessary want, he is thus divested of his power. By a might' hand only he can be saved, just for him merely to bark at a cloud or a far-bygone another one, that if by choice of luck, he might consider himself of candid pleasure, for barking pleasure, at least, to a relative degree, provideth a sense of pleasurable taste. Little can be said about it, but it, as with many things, by itself is already sensible, that if any sought to explain it, it would like explaining the wind by which all things are already animate."

The bartender was quick to be silent more often than his attempts to detach himself from his proverbial interpretations of the great multitude of many who came here to be seen and to be heard. He knew that it was with great pleasure that they expressed themselves today, as like a female dancer who had recognized her talent, they seek too to be seen and to be recognized by their pleasantries and by their virtuous, plenteous words, if by a great miracle of talent, they are to be boasted about. He was obliged to disturb them. So he shared his greetings and with his words, pointed implicitly at the people around him, if by the character of their faces, they might feign to be obliged to be performative. This was done with a great manifold work, and with great timing, because he readied not his own words to speak, but through his sign, prepared the men and women present apart from the two travelers to heed these two that they might be disturbed, which the two wanted, but that the two might act rather as if they were forced to speak, if in so doing, they might be performers. 

The companion and the first traveler were quick to declaim their finest of speeches.

The bartender, after waiting, knew to let the two men finish, if by the character of their conversation, they might be considered rash or properly surprised of themselves, when they, even without a direct response or even a sure glance, were convinced of their great charm:—through the bartender's meddling.

[REDACTED]


June 22, 17:00:05
Meta-Query: Purpose of the Introductory Webpage Draft


why did this author decide to give a website acting as an introductory overview before heading on into his very specific and intimate site?

So the goal of the author is to make it so that he addresses the current state of the Internet and the context behind people coming to his site. It serves as an effective introduction to the Internet as a whole for those who are insufficiently aware. So it acts as clarity moving forward. The author has created a network of sites, and this site with the above-stated passage serves as an introductory site that then links to many other sites within his network. It starts off with very general overviews and statements serving to contextualize and clarify as much as possible, but as the sites go on, they become more complex, nuanced, and sophisticated, requiring a high level of understanding of the author's viewpoint, much context, and many other considerations relating to the underlying elements behind the author's true content, which are at the ends of the site chain within the network. The preceding sites serve to bring everyone up to speed.


June 22, 17:55:28
Cognitive Difficulty as a Catalyst for Learning and Growth


The truth for the most part is that the harder something is cognitively, the more valuable that experience is cognitively. It is not success (result) that determines whether someone has learned. It is through struggle and difficulty. Success should not be decided based upon results. It should decided upon difficulty.

This is crucially why I study better when I don't just sit down comfortably everyday. In fact, it's when I do not sit down comfortably everyday that I truly learn. It is when I am challenged to cope and deal with what I have that I develop myself much more cognitively.


June 22, 21:02:26
Meta-Clarification: Introductory Webpage Showcases Author as Thinker


what is the goal of the passage? I feel that it goes into depth regarding elements that is different from what I would expect from an introduction.

So it portrays them as a thinker first and foremost that is actively engaging with the world?


June 22, 21:05:52
Spontaneous Poetic Thought Fueling Reflection


"I saw a flower in a crumpled tissue paper." I immediately thought this upon doing this, and I was sleepy at the time because I just woke up, and before sleeping, I stayed up to spend time with my parents in a short visit to the cafe, the mall, and the supermarket. 

I have these poetic and imaginative thoughts all the time. This is why I never run out of things to say. I don't write poetically all the time, but they do inspire my detailed reflections, even if the end result can be clear, formal, and dispassionate for the sake of objectivity.


June 22, 23:33:20
Handwriting vs. Complex Digital Tasks: Cognitive Difficulty and Learning


Do you think it's true that people learn more when they're hand-writing than when they're not? I believe there is a basis to difficulty being a catalyst for growth, so the difficulty involved in hand-writing might contribute to more focus and precision with regard to cognition—the "desirable difficulties" hypothesis. This has been seen in studies where deficiently readable fonts such as Comic Sans Italics has been seen to push students to focus more and remember about 10% more than those who read with readable fonts—Disfluency Effect.

As for myself, I believe that computers and digital literacy are complex and challenging enough to learn and master to warrant difficulty in studying.

For one, I have spent much time coding as a way to engage with my detailed reflections better. Moreover, I have spent much time reading older academic textbooks, where it can be more challenging to the more ornate language involved. This has stimulated cognition, and the difficulties of learning how to manage everything digitally has led to an increase in focus and recognition of complexities as seen by my heightened ability to recognize fonts and graphic design layouts and choices even up to the specific pixels of margins and paddings in real life after I engaged in graphic design as a part of the development of a website for my digital journal entries. This is effectively hand-writing, but many times more complex and demanding.

If it was only summarizing digital material alone, it would be insufficient and even counterproductive as it generates a culture and psychology of repetitive non-fulfillment, as habits are refined toward a loss of nuance and complexity as opposed to their obtainment. A person must be willing to "craft, spin, and twist" endlessly in the sense that they learn the concepts, theories, and the precursors of such thought that they might replicate the essence, while by their own ability to "misconstrue" (to develop much such that it has completely become integrated into the mind not in rote memorization but in the consummation of the very basic elements and their relationship with their ancestry of complexities), they turn and twist the endless connections and resolve them under parenthood or guardianship of them, as a trustee or custodian. This is complexity when it relies much on the individual's ability to think as contrasted with a sedimentary mindset that seeks only an accumulation without recognition or animism (animateness). 


June 22, 23:45:08
Metaphorical Sentence: Jumping Altogether


When a person jumps, they jump altogether, until they fall to the ground.


June 22, 23:45:11 – June 22, 23:51:10
Recording Handwritten Notes from Drawing Pads


The following are my writings today in my old drawing pad from around 2021. 

"That which he considered to be of optimal fruit is that patieua [sic] mind, and hopeful arbitration."

"That a man might be considered dead or alive is one of great contention to those who have come."

"A young man creates life out of the darkness."

"A young man creates life of the darkness."

"Several hundred men experienced the beauties of this world."

I also wrote in the new big drawing pad: "June 22, 2024; when I was drawing in the other drawing pad (the old smaller one from around 2021)"


June 23, 00:34:25 – June 23, 00:38:19
Draft Text: Website Chapter 2 - Assimilation (Childlike Perspective)


Congratulations Reader! You've Reached Chapter 2: Assimilation, From Yokseekan

What It Was Like in My Mind as a Growing Child:

Reading Grade: High school or College reading level 

Imagine that there was little to say about anything, and the only thing what could do was watch and observe events, not like a sage or a wise man, but like a dog who had yet to conceptualize the sort. There are many different places. Imagine that. Hundreds of them moving around. There are none, and then there are some, and then everything. Imagine a sky so high that knows no bounds. Imagine a world as simple as dry land. Imagine the simplicity of engaging with the mystical task forces. Imagine them sitting down, roaming around, and engaging with the environment like bats. 

The world is then a pure-hearted world full of grace and beauty, the world then omega in its grace and grandiose in its wonders.


June 23, 01:14:40
Copied German Review of Schnabel's "Insel Felsenburg"


In den 1730er Jahren war die "Insel Felsenburg" einschliesslich ihrer Fortsetzung ueber drei Dekaden ein absoluter Bestseller in der aufstrebenden deutschen Literatur. Gemeinsam mit den Roman Wielands wurde es dann still um den Roman von Schnabel. Mitte des 19. Jahrhunderts wurde der Roman durch eine Neuedition von Ludwig Tieck wiederentdeckt und erlebte ein Revival unter den Romantikern. Heute ist das Werk wieder vergessen. Ich bin darauf aufmerksam geworden weil sich eine Figur in einem Halldor Laxness Roman ueber dieses Werk lustig macht.

Die "Insel Felsenburg" war wohl einer der ersten Abenteuerromane in deutscher Sprache. Eine Robinsonade aber nicht ganz, eher eine Utopie des Eskapismus, was die Beliebtheit unter den Romantikern erklaert. Ein junger Mann aus gutem Hause, der erlebt ein maerchenhaftes von manigfaltigen Schicksalsschlaegen gepraegtes Jugendleben, bis er sich entschliesst, eine Reise ins Ungewisse, in die Kolonien zu unternehmen. Auf dem Weg erleiden sie Schiffbruch. Es ueberleben nur drei gute, der Protagonist, sein Foerderer van Leuven und dessen Frau, sowohl der boese Kapitaen Lemelie. Nachdem Lemelie erfolglos vorschlug, die Frau zu teilen, toetete er van Leuven und wird dann vom Protagonist Julius getoetet. Daraufhin bauen die beiden Ueberlebenden eine Lutherische Idealgesellschaft auf, die durch weitere Schiffbruechige mit aehnlichem Schicksal, sowie durch Handverlesene Einwanderer ergaenzt wird, um Inzest unter den Nachkommen zu vermeiden und einen Ausgleich zwischen der Anzahl der Maenner und der Frauen zu schaffen.

Das ist dann auch der Unterschied zu all den anderen Robinsonaden. Auch wenn die unterschiedlichen Robinsons ihr Leben noch so angenehm gestalten koennen, sie traeumen immer nur von der Heimkehr in die Zivilisation. Bei Schnabel geschieht das genaue Gegenteil. Hier finden all die Eskapisten ihr Shangri La. Insoweit beguendet es den Trend, der dann im 20. Jahrhundert mit Hesse und Conrad fortgesetzt wurde.

Typisch fuer das 18. Jahrhundert ist das Buch passagenweise redundant, umstaendlich geschrieben und langweilig. Dennoch hat es in seiner extremen Biederkeit einen ganz eigenen Charme.

In den 1730


June 23, 03:27:33
Attempting to Parse a Latin Phrase (Seneca?)


I thought, quotquot meant however man. sumus was "was" nuper was "newly" nati was "son" initia was "begin" or "beginning" vitae was "life" deflemus was "to cry out (transitive)"


June 23, 03:59:39 – June 23, 04:12:10
Assessing and Experimenting with Current Latin Level


my current level of latin:

'Ego sum vita, et ego sum initium, quod est exemplum.'

'Is est vita, si ea est nativitate recenti, quod potest esse exemplum sequendum.'

nah, these are literally only the words that I know. I may understand 'quod', 'et', 'est', 'ego sum', 'vita,' 'exemplum,' 'is,' and 'ea'. But I've constructed what seems like an intermediate level, because of my knowledge of the fundamental terms like 'quod,' 'et,' and 'est'

I feel like I'm back to being a child playing with those puzzle games, where it's incredibly simple. But it may seem like I'm doing something crazy, because puzzle games will depict it as if you're doing something complex when you're not.

My standards are so high. I literally want to write and read academic latin texts. So that's why I've been of low confidence and hesitant (not prudent) regarding experimentally writing my own sentences from what I know.

this is my current level of Latin:
'In relatione ad bellum, fuerunt multi homines qui temptaverunt est effugere conscriptionem.'

Regarding: "Circa" or "De"
Concerning: "Circa" or "De"
In relation to: "In relatione ad"
When it comes to: "Cum ad" or "In quo ad"
Speaking of: "Loquens de" or "Locutio de"
In terms of: "In terminis de" or "De ratione"

this is my current level of Latin:
'In relatione ad bellum, fuerunt multi homines qui temptaverunt est effugere conscriptionem. Tamen, communiter timeatur bellum. Praeterea, homines clare non cogitare in bello.'

I hate that I can read that, because that means I'm going to have to learn even more. Knowing that it's possible really makes me realize that a lot of the battle is mental.

Vere dicis. Conscriptionis evitatio saepe in temporibus belli occurrit, cum multi homines cupiant conflictum evadere. Multis communiter timeatur bellum propter eius violentiam et discrimina quae sequuntur, ut vulnera, mortes, et vastationes. Plurimi homines optant pacem et concordiam inter nationes, et nunc tempore, plures cogitant de modis ad evitandum belli occasiones.

Let me translate this first part into English: "Truly said. Conscription evasion often occurred in periods of war."

Let me translate this latin phrase to English: "Truly said. Conscription evasion often occurs in periods of war, with many people desiring to evade conflict."

Vere dicis. Conscriptionis evitatio saepe in temporibus belli occurrit, cum multi homines cupiant conflictum evadere.

to

Truly said. Conscription evasion often occurs in periods of war, with many people desiring to evade conflict.

My translation: 'It is common to fear war because of violence and the crises that follow, such as wounds, deaths, and devastation.' 


June 23, 04:12:06
Feeling Rejuvenated by Chicken After Workout


why does eating air-fried chicken, even without salt or spices or oil, feel so good for my body, like I'm being rejuvenated as I eat? My hunger and weakness is fading almost immediately, as if I ate tons of brown rice.

I guess I just worked out. Ha. I should have mentioned that. I did push-ups, boxing exercises, intense dancing, and jumping, 


June 23, 19:56:26
Desire for Self-Documentation and Remembering Dreams


I've been trying to write down as many things as possible from the past, and I have many memories regarding this subject. I have long wanted to reach a point where I could document myself without much difficulty. However, this will take a long time.

My dreams have allowed me even just for a while to remember a past where I experienced many things, and my sleeping throughout those times have allowed me to recover and retain a sense of continuity of growth, but not necessarily a continuity of consciousness in a negative sense as sleep deprivation might induce.

I had a dream just now, and I had dreams for the past week or so. I might have had dreams everyday for the last month. Yeah, it is probably more frequent to have dreams than not. It is probably inevitable that a person will have dreams. It has always been a matter of whether I remember them.

With that out of the way, 


June 24, 02:44:29
Prioritizing Written Reflection Over Simple Enjoyment for Now


I wish I could just play read fiction books and enjoy myself. I wish I could just make Roblox games and enjoy myself. But I think I have reached a point where I do need to deal with things in writing and make sense of things first before any enjoyment is possible. There is a lot of things that need to be unpacked before any real change can happen. I have improved myself a lot, but there is still a lot of things that need to be considered. It is painful and a struggle to adjust to a lifestyle where I can only rely upon writing as a foundation to navigate my journey; however, this is the best I can do right now. I've already failed many times attempting to make sense of things; however, the word 'failed' here is hardly absolutely correct. Even in failure, I have enjoyed myself and learned new things, but time is counting. And I need to find shelter from the rain; I need to get used to new ideas quickly; and I need to find a way to make sense of the rain and the shelter. There are going to be many things that will come my way, but as long as I can identify my issues and incorporate past knowledge and experiences to the present, then I might be able to clarify and elucidate things that have never really been defined so accurately. Even if I have spent much time in defining concerns, issues, things, ideas, and good things, it is a continuous process. I need to be patient, or else this world will collapse on top of me. If it does in the sense that I get burned out, then it is a matter of playing a game of watching my body's sensations and seeing how I can effectively prevent the effects of burnout such as sickness and a temporary state of cognitive shut-down. There are many ways to navigate around this issue, but not al will be optimal. Some will be sub-optimal. I could give examples about which might be more likely to be sub-optimal, like watching live streams of League of Legends esports. However, it is not so simply defined, so I need to keep searching for alternate, peripheral ways to address issues without relying on the idea that avoiding an "unproductive" thing will solve the issues altogether. There is much to gain in taking a look at things for a moment and describing it, even if it does not necessarily yield (a sense of ) fruit immediately. It will take time. But this is how change occurs.


June 24, 04:32:08
Pragmatist View on Free Will and Meaninglessness


I have a pragmatist view of free will and meaninglessness. I believe in free will and meaning as much as it benefits me.


June 24, 07:19:32 – June 24, 07:22:02
Immediate Gratification, Media Choices, and Vulnerability to Scientific Illiteracy


I believe that people who turn to fantasy more often than not are more vulnerable to scientific illiteracy.

When people rely upon what is immediately gratifying, they will do the same in terms of how they approach science.

It is more likely for a person who seeks easy explanations of science to be more illiterate, so people who are more susceptible to wishful thinking as in fantasy, are more vulnerable to science illiteracy.

Entertainment can dominate a person's entire thinking life, as that is when they are not working. So I do not draw a separating line between science illiteracy and how a person engages with media. Someone who prefers immediate gratification is more likely to be scientifically illiterate, because scientific literacy is allergic to wishful thinking.

Astrology, for one, can be more popular among users who devote themselves to fiction fandoms, because they do not spent most of their time reading scientific academic texts.

I do not say enjoying fiction fandoms leads to astrology, but those that devote themselves and eschew scientific academic texts and reflection based upon them are more vulnerable to scientific illiteracy. 

There is potential misunderstanding that reading academic texts comes without reflection based upon them. But I do emphasize that.

In short, people who avoid activities that stimulate critical thinking and scientific literacy and engage instead in activities that promote wishful and immediate-gratification thinking are more likely to be scientifically illiterate. 

Podcasts can be more immediately gratifying, but can in fact be more conducive to scientific illiteracy. Coincidentally, there have been many cases of podcasts disease mongering to sell their own brand of medicine.

Devoted listeners of podcasts can be rarely associated with those who read academic texts all the time, because it is often a mode of thought that separates those who look into primary sources as opposed to those who, with a more immediately gratifying mode of thinking, rest much upon podcasts.

I do not intend to make blanket assumptions, because I focus on the underlying mode of thought that prioritizes immediate gratification and wishful thinking. Arguing against the symptoms is justified, but that is not the crux of my argument.

To repeat, a system of thought that prioritizes immediate gratification and eschews activities that promote scientific literacy is more likely to be scientifically illiterate.

Someone who bases their enjoyment and fulfillment solely upon reading fiction and becoming engrossed with fiction rather than a balanced engagement that recognizes activities that stimulate scientific literacy is more likely to be scientifically illiterate. They are more likely to struggle with examinations that test scientific literacy.


June 24, 08:34:33 – June 24, 09:03:07
Literature Critique: Subjectivity, Belief Bias, and the Culture War


I do not think literature is a science, and I think that attempts to critique writing also takes into account writing standards, norms, and style guides. However, when it comes to literature, that becomes much more suspect and relies more on cultural underpinnings influenced by recent and classic literature presented as objectively optimally effective in its goals and objectives, without a necessary evaluation of methodology, the definition of effectiveness and how it emerges from methodology, and what defines 'objective optimal effectiveness.' 

Any attempt at saying that a piece of literature is bad also takes into account the issues of saying that someone is merely bad by virtue of its abandonment of particular themes and ideas and its exploration of other themes and ideas. For example, people who prefer a story built upon a grand narrative of destiny, purpose, and goodness are more likely to eschew stories that rest upon meaninglessness, absurdism, and chaos.

This is why ratings based on the star rating scale may be effective at filtering out writings that do not adhere to standards, norms, and style guides both in language and in storytelling; however, it also poses issues related to reviews that analyze comparatively stories that have been considered linguistically valid but have different themes, ideas, and underpinnings, in culture, philosophy, belief system, personality, and worldview. This has been observed numerous times in instances where a rater gives a story 0.5 stars due to a conflict of interests, or 5 stars when the story confirms and explores the rater's already-held beliefs. Any additional argument against the story's technical and linguistic elements then is suspect because of the conflict of interest pre-established.

Ratings post–technical and linguistic filtering can become then the matrix for the development of the equivalent of a culture war.

In other words, literature becomes the breeding ground for a social media culture war.

Simply, when people rate based on beliefs, then it exacerbates the culture war. This is the basis of criticisms against movies that promote diversity or promote the use of celebrities as voice actors. Promotion and marketing then relies upon alliance with worldviews or its inclusion of particular celebrities to succeed.

To explore the relationship between technical elements and reader preference further, let us turn our attention to the ease in noticing "the linguistic and technically compromises" within a story when it is at odds with the rater's preferred storytelling elements as they are influenced by culture, philosophy, belief system, or worldview. These are not always directly proportional, as there are readers that enjoy reading books that contradict their beliefs because it might align with a belief of engaging with such literature. In such case, it would be inversely proportional.




June 24, 10:23:49
Embracing Peripheral Thinking, Failure, and the Costs of Truth


I've always been fond of the idea that things happen peripherally and unpredictably. As someone attempts to strategize by establishing forts, their supply lines are then cut off instead, causing the forts to be useless and isolated effectively. This cutting off can be continued to the point of starvation and death among the defenders.

I love the idea of exploring my failures. I've been fond of detailing, organizing, and understanding the history of my perceptions, ideas, and viewpoints throughout my life, seeing how much I have changed in response to shifts in dynamics, environment, setting, and exposure. This allows me to gain a better understanding of the contradictions throughout my history and within changing lifestyles and how there is not one way to view my life, my identify, and history, but numerous, contradictory ways that each provide a theory, but not a definite answer into how my life turned out, only amounting to analyses conducted by an account, which while systematic, is selective nonetheless.

The truth is not always rewarding (in a dopamine and social sense). Believing in God has proven to be effective in improving social outcomes, health outcomes, and even whether they will get good work, because of shared belief and church. In such case, if someone does not believe God, then they will thereby experience setbacks. The truth and new advancements in my thinking, growth, and self-understanding has not necessarily led to positive outcomes socially and emotionally. In fact, it has introduced setbacks in the form of ostracization and isolation as I continue marching down a road with which many do not share connections. In addition, exploring truths has had deleterious effects upon my psyche, as it has involved long, demanding hours of writing and deconstructing my worldview, which, by analysis, can prove cumbersome, especially when it forces me to think deeply into the past, not only in memory, but in actual data. This has dismantled many previous conceptions and has forced me to stare upon contradictory frameworks and realities. Looking through my recent writings since late 2023 up to now in mid-2024 is already a microcosm of what that what that data analysis, dismantling, and contradiction is like.



June 24, 10:37:23 – June 24, 10:49:36
Incomplete Narratives Fostering Peripheral Thought and Critical Curiosity


I think my favorite way to gain peripheral thought is by getting incomplete viewpoints every time. I think there is much benefit in condensed academic narratives; however, they are altogether limited when supposed as a pillar of knowledge, as all knowledge is indebted to disjunction, by which all ideas can be made intact in their logical and internal coherences, which without external insight, cannot be so informed so as to be changed, for all things, by the character of objective inquiry and evidence, cannot be so intelligible so as to cause a widespread assault upon the coherence of each fact, for facts are by themselves true despite their discordance with the entirety, which is by itself caused by an academic separation.

However, one could say that condensed narratives provide enough a look to see that there are aplenty faces to be seen, like a King who by himself is sufficient to represent a country in geopolitical matters, who by his consideration, provides sufficient motivation to delve into the many peoples who by which we are elucidated of the complexity entrenched into every peripheral spot. But I do emphasize the contradistinction between condensed narratives as a naturally limited substance of thought and incomplete narratives, as they inform of the great time and place not limited by the assaults of abridgement, but incomplete such that they inform of a periphery of ideas, which by themselves provide necessity of incorporation in the form of new updated information to complete a whole. By themselves, they seek to entail a completion, which is altogether essential for a learner, who can suppose a condensed narrative such that they have lost their bearings at the sight of discordance (that formed out of academic constructions and informed through reality as it reveals a disaccord between reality and academic separations), when a man informed out of incomplete narratives revels at it.

Furthermore, "I don't know" and incomplete, yet curious understanding such as that found in childhood are often better solutions than the illusion of complete knowledge from reading a condensed narrative. Children are better critical thinkers than people deceived so as to believe they know the entirety of a subject because they are curious.

In terms of critical thinking and even touching scientific literacy, adults might be more better off behaving like curious, exploring children than stuck, close-minded, resentful adults who grow only hardened as the years go by.


June 24, 11:06:58 – June 24, 11:10:32
Childhood Curiosity vs. Adult Maintenance: Neuroplasticity and Reorganization


One of the tenets of being a child concerned that of learning about a vast, new world populated by ideas and experiences far beyond that of the current set of ideas and fort of knowledge by which they are currently lacking in establishment and much stability. It is only in the stream of adolescence whereby we are influenced into exploring the tenets of concern and curiosity promulgated in our childish tendencies and into examining their validity within a broader structure of skepticism pre-accumulated during our childish years. In adulthood. it is then of concern to the individual that his thoughts and ideas, as they have been ingrained into the psyche, to be completely removed and then wrapped again that by this repackaging, they might operate in a society close-limited to instruct them of their particular day-by-day basis in working culture and rating determination (in the sense that they are now subjected to peer concern and management which they might have only experienced in precursors in high school and college). So the child learns through his behavior of curiosity, but in adulthood, the fabrics of this curiosity can be lost and displaced to make room for stability and coherence in a need to have establishment forts in social constructs perceived to be the utmost of sophistication and risk and to maintain a sense of self informed by a history of maturity. Children can be better critical thinkers in the sense that they are more curious; however, it is adulthood that guarantees that such curiosity is informed by experience and sophisticated investigation. But that is hardly linear and so easily transferrable and reproduceable in every culture, as one can say that the adult is even more curious in that he is now a participant in society as an individual registered complete (adult) member; resulting in the necessity to be maintained as one who is complete and one who needs to be maintained. The creativity in this balancing act could be interpreted as curiosity, but childish curiosity has its grounds in determining 'brain-translation' (mind-changing through exploration and a higher level of neuroplasticity) much better.

I am not saying that adults are incapable of curiosity, but that, as individuals, they are informed to need only to be concerned with the maintenance of their "completed" (matured) character. It can prove obstructive to language learning as well, because the mind of an adult is not so easily changed so as to be "corrected" or altered more completely similar to a child does in their increased neuroplasticity. Being able to extract (for use as ammo or resources in reorganization) and reorganize more completely one's brain in relation to the histories and tenets of one's childhood is much more easier during childhood than during adulthood. For adults, it is like relearning to ride a bike, if that is even possible. It is like relearning how to form cognitive concepts via a different methodology, when they have already been formed. It is like jumping differently from how one has jumped all their life, that they may establish a new standard of jumping. It is like eating differently from how one has eaten for their entire life. A child's brain is highly adaptable and open to a more complete reorganization.

It is like destroying a city to rebuilt it again. That is one precise, concise imagery for this matter.

It can be very rewarding to do things completely differently; however, this can be done, though almost always done because of unpredictable, external, accidental changes to one's life. Intentionally changing one's life requires time, space, resources, and a cognition far beyond (in terms of being peripheral and in terms of unfamiliar complexity) that a person tittering at the edge of the optimum has.


June 24, 11:20:29 – June 24, 11:34:21
Defending Frameworks via Reflection: Disorder, Gain vs. Loss, and Critical Thinking


I understand that systematic thinking and relying on pre-established frameworks is the target of criticism as of late (via my personal frequency-bias exposure in social media). But frame-working of the creation and refinement of frameworks by virtue of detailed written reflections can be considered to be a solution to this case, as the tension between how one navigates society by consumption and the self is inherent in critical thinking as a source of systematic thought and framework dependence.

I have created much in the way of establishing frameworks and producing organized analyses of ideas, frameworks, complexities, and nuances I've encountered. While this may be limited, my productions in this case have hardly been unproductive, as they have helped me distribute across states of mind a stronger recognition of the overall system by which my instances of decision-making emerge. This can be beneficial for self-analysis, which conduces critical thinking, especially when those frameworks and analyses are kept to the self and its relation to external consumption, as contrasted with an open broadcast. 

Even if my analyses do not necessarily cover all of my thoughts and the details of my real life situation and history as much as they suggest and hint at a more detached and elementary (basic and broad)-oriented approach, they still are beneficial as traces of a thinking mind, which by itself is too complex to contain within even a journal. But such traces, as sources of information, serve in producing an outcome that goes beyond details and extends and hopes to comprise of the peripheral subjects by which I am to reduce the consequences of highly prescriptive (self-identifying as opposed to productive, effective development) behavior and focus solely on the development of critical thought. In short, the above-stated traces reduce the need to personalize and instead give weight to the periphery of ideas, which are optimal in effecting a balanced system of thought.

Joy can be most found in disorder, when all is lost and time is stopped. I think there is a joy in disjunction, when the only thing left is to think critically.

Establishment and routine can create falsehood and preclude critical thinking. However, non-personalized frameworks which are self-organized, considered over a holistic span, and included as part of many novel ideas as contradictions or supporters can erode establishments created by the senses and remove the need to identify with anything in particular. There is much to gain in disorder (the disintegration of all things personal), when all is lost and time is stopped, in which a certain joy emerges, by which point critical thinking is the only thing left.

I think there is loss in gaining, and there is gain in loss. When we have gained, we have only furthered our own desire to establish ourselves, which while beneficial to social, health, and mental outcomes, can introduce a need to maintain the self-construct. When we have lost, we recalibrate ourselves that we might create new non-personalized (because they are peripheral and novel) frameworks and ideas, by which we hope to maintain themselves, but by which we have already reformed ourselves anew.


June 24, 11:36:14
Meta-Summary: Gain vs. Loss and Critical Thinking


So he is saying that gain can cause further entrenchment while loss can force someone to change their selves, which can be considered to be a gain in critical thinking.


June 24, 11:46:51
Analyzing the Crowd, the Observer, and Their Relationship


I looked around, and I saw a crowd. I think there is much to think about. The crowd then becomes a deformed mass without any potential for critical thought. But that is a viewpoint entrenched in the idea of depersonalizing a crowd in favor of actions taken against the organized group of persons, if it means that such an obstruction of critical thought can be removed. Whether a person grows to become a part of a crowd is contingent upon whether he is socio-culturally affected that he might consider himself, by repetition and reinforcement of influence and entrenchment into the crowd group, a member, whether he is psychologically in need of the safety in numbers and due to particular individuals, in the dynamic shared with whom his needs are met, and whether he is of a political or ideological shared mesh. More precisely, it is a combination of sociocultural, psychological, and political or ideological factors.

Whether a person can be considered a separated observer also comes into mind, as he is only as much participant as he is opposing, for in neutral discussions, there is also a back-and-forth (which by nature is an exchange between different persons, which could be considered a mild opposition in that "iron sharpens iron"), if it is not one-sided. Observers who look upon history can be considered more detached, but by which cultural, psychological, historical, and political or ideological factors he is influenced, it will be hard to tell, because oftentimes, these observers shed the needs of self and delve into the impersonal, whereby they find themselves at a crossroads between persons within a crowd, as the persons within who identity as members might be considered opposed by contemporary observers (and other contradictory crowds).

I focus here consecutively on the crowd, the observer, and their relationship.


June 24, 11:52:40
Meta-Commentary: Establishing Factors for Deeper Inquiry


This feels more like the establishment of factors by which to draw questions than a in-depth exploration. It seems to elucidate upon directions by which to target more complex, precise texts.


June 24, 12:03:03 – June 24, 12:03:13
Linguistic Convention vs. Literal Meaning in English Phrases


English is weird. The following two sentences effectively mean a partial meaning or "in terms of some aspects and not other aspects" meaning.

"I like it though, but I don't like."

"I get it, but I don't get it."

If based on the English language alone word by word, the original phrase does not mean that, but linguistic convention has made the meaning clear.


June 24, 12:28:35 – June 24, 12:30:08
Past Fiction as Self-Analysis Tool; Prioritizing Synthesis Over New Creation


I have written many imaginative fiction stories that have delved into my framework (as of writing them each) of grounded details and reality. I wonder now again if there is value in those fiction stories, as I find them now as valuable sources of examining my frameworks, views, and perceptions and how I might refine my knowledge, logical thinking, and ability to draw complex, nuanced, and peripheral conclusions in the realm of critical thinking.

Hmm... I want to write new fiction stories, but I'm more focused on collating all of my fiction texts and then systematically producing a synthesized framework of all my writings, both fiction and non-fiction (from reflections, essays, and documentations of my life, views, and ideas). However, I do get tempted to make fiction stories right now.

Like someone might feel nostalgic about old Facebook using modern Youtube. Or feel nostalgic about old cars while relaxing so comfortably in a modern bump-less car.

I tell myself when I get nostalgic, "We had to leave the past, man. If we didn't leave the past and did not move on, we would not even have anything to remember."


June 24, 12:36:19 – June 24, 13:14:46
The Burden of a Rich Past: Battling Conceptual Repetition and Seeking Surprise


A repetitive life... or... or... I reflect and synthesize everything and make decisions, analyses, and new writings and stories off that synthesized framework, which might prevent repetition of history. Or maybe... even if I do not necessarily synthesize everything, maybe I won't live a repetitive life.

But it can be tiring at times to reflect upon the past and contribute to the development of my proposed synthesized framework. I know my past and the knowledge I've gained throughout my history are rich. But still... it gets tiring at times. I wish I could write down stuff without being tied down to the need to reflect and contribute to this proposed framework. It is not that I don't want it. It is more that I just feel tired. I wish I could write down and feel free.

Reflection is only making me realize that I have experienced everything in my past. I read textbooks today and am not surprised at the concepts, frameworks, and logical structures these things offer. It is weird not to feel surprised at all. I had a very rich and vast past full of growth and learning. But it can be frustrating when one is constantly reminded of the richness of the past and how a lot of things today feel like repetitions.

I find myself saying: "I've seen this before. What's new under the sun?" 

Yeah, the issue is that adopting a beginner's mindset can lead to repetitions. I may forget the past for a while, but that does not mean that the past is irrelevant.

Writing only confirms what I know, because it serves as a way to reflect upon my life. Academic texts do have value, but they do teach me frameworks, concepts, and ideas that I've experienced and encountered in my rich past already. They teach me how to write precisely though, but besides that, the content is unsurprising to me. 

At this point, what I find most productive everyday is writing about things I already know. At least my writing and communication skills are still improving, but besides that, conceptually and in terms of content, I am not surprised at many things anymore.

The only thing I can do is write and reflect about my past and the riches of knowledge and experiences and study numerous academic texts on things of which I have little scientific knowledge. But in terms of content and concepts, I am still too little surprised. Many things I study there feel intuitive and unsurprising. Even medical textbooks, which were a source of interest at one point, is now ever–more familiar conceptually and in terms of content. However, my writing skills remain to have room for improvement in communicating precisely what I already know.

celebrating mastery? Ha... I am thankful and self-fulfilled as a result of my rich past, and I said that I was self-fulfilled at 20 years old. But it is weird that I am still alive. Is it not sufficient that I have lived a rich and fulfilled enough life? I feel that I have lived too long many times because of how rich my life already was. I feel that as time goes on, I only grow more frustrated with the fact that I have to synthesize my entire life in writing because it only reminds me continually that I have to sit here and write down everything in the midst of challenges all around me as I am still here and focused on synthesis, which means I am at home in my room and writing everyday. I am already working on my autobiography-journal, and collating as much from my past as possible. However, it is very challenging to do so, and I often do not feel too surprised. I remember memories I've forgotten, but besides that, it is not too strange or surprising. It feels like I'm a janitor who had been working in the same school for 2 decades. It is not that I know everything, but that I am not surprised. I can imagine already what it will feel like conceptually what it will be like learning a particular sports, doing particular crafts, or playing a particular musical instrument. It is not surprising. It is only self-referential and -confirming.

Writing is the only thing left I can do, and it does not even introduce anything conceptually new to me. I am reflecting upon known things and learning conceptually and content-wise familiar things.

What has happened to me... I feel like everything is happening all over again. And I don't feel surprised.

I don't know why I have reached this point. I feel like I should do something crazy. Or do something beyond everything, but even that will be familiar and unsurprising I'm afraid. I do not feel so estranged so as to feel that something is surprising. I feel that conceptually, I am engaging in repetitions. I can predict what it will be like conceptually if I engage in something, and I was right. I am no longer conceptually surprised.

I feel like doing something horrible. It is not that I am depressed, but that I just want to move on from all of this nonsense and repetition. I want to do something to change my life. I am tired of seeing the same things. I want to help others, do things, and do all sorts of things. But living a repetitive life sounds like hell. I think I need to take a moment and do something completely new. I don't what it will be, or if I'll just be mentally unwell or psychotic. But I hope that it will help me. I do not want to do something horrible, but it feels like doing something like this might be crazy enough that I don't think it will be normal. Maybe, that will be surprising to me, but I don't know. I fear losing everything, all of my past, memories, knowledge, and experiences. I just want to live a life worth living. I do not want to sit down and keep living like this. I want to live a life that is not repetitions. I've already lived a fulfilled life, but I'm still alive. Let this second life be good, but since it is full of repetitions, I have to do something about it, something beyond everything I've ever known. Hopefully, I will be surprised.

Maybe, I will go outside and leave my home. I think I want to see how long I can go before I return. I already know what it will be like, but maybe, something new will happen. I want to see if I can push myself to my limits and see what that will feel like, I want to feel something. I want to feel surprised.

I think a lot of people will be jealous of me. I cannot find myself getting addicted to repetitions and be fine with it. A lot of people might covet that. But upon realizing repetitions and a rich, vast past with experiences and knowledge, it can be excruciatingly much to take in. It is all too familiar and unsurprising. All the mystery is gone, and I think... this is it. At one point, I enjoyed the idea of exploring a vast world, but that world makes sense now. It makes too much sense. And now things are becoming so conceptually familiar that I reflect and feel unsurprised. When did it all go away? Upon gaining everything, I lost. I am sorry past me. I am sorry everyone. I am sorry that I grew up and learned. I am sorry that after everything, I cannot sit down and pretend and stay still. I cannot pretend and engage in repetitions forever. It is all too unsurprising.

I can easily just stop writing, stop reflecting, stop thinking critically and get addicted to routine, familiarity, and repetition. No, let's be honest. I can't. If I do that, I will go crazy.

I think it's better this way. Better that I am openly dissatisfied and honest with myself. I just can't live like this anymore.

I can't do this. Wherever I go, I see repetitions. What is wrong with my mind that has such a rich past full of experiences and knowledge?

I can only write down everything, or else my past will be forgotten and I will engage in repetitions unknowingly. I can only write down everything in hopes of removing my memories from obstructing my day-to-day. Hopefully, once I've written everything down, I will be free.


June 24, 13:46:26 – June 24, 13:49:31
Documenting Life Extensively as the Only Path Forward


I can still have fun in repetitions I guess. Maybe I can write down a fiction book exploring my current viewpoint. I do not know. I find that while a fiction book might express certain things about my views, it is ultimately insufficient if the author himself does not provide a precise interpretation of everything within the text with regard to its relation with his views and life. So my non-fiction journal writings are probably sufficient for now. If I am to die, the most I can do is write down as much as possible about it that I might not need to spent my time wondering what the hell happened. This way, all my memories, knowledge, and experiences are preserved. It is all too insufficient to have only 600 pages of a biography in my name. I long to have as much as 10,000,000 words (250 words per page, so around 40,000 pages. But that will much writing, and much of my writing will consist of ideas already long established in the world. It will more so reflect what I have learned from the world, but when it comes to my writings about my past, that will be more crucial as a source for a biography. But that takes a lot of effort, as even I struggle to write down my dreams. I may have written much about my past, but for the most part, it will be my thought process only since late 2023 up to now and the next years. So anything before 2023 will be up to my writings. But as just said, it will focus solely on my thought process, having hints of my past here and there, but largely my reflections, which expects a knowledge of the context. But describing the context of my life will take much. My reflections are very surface-level after all. So I will often find myself writing about things external to me as opposed to writing things about my personal historical development. In addition, anything before late 2023 will be dependent upon writings after, because I have written very little during that time about my past, or more accurately, my writing was substandard and focused on school studies from school or notes from Bible studies and I have not been able to recover much from the past. So it will be very limited.

The first 20 years of my life will be documented in post-years, so 21 onwards will be full of writing and studying in order to improve the precision of my writing. The goal is to go into detail of my life and document as much as I can.

Since my life now is rarely surprising, the only thing I can do is this. I do not know what else to do. Everything has been exhausted conceptually.


June 24, 13:56:42 – June 24, 14:15:03
Seeking Novelty: Doubts About Hobbies and Reconnecting with Old Friends


I hope one day to make sense of my life, that I might put it down and lie down just for a while and not feel that I have done something before, because even while reading history, which should provide a sense of novelty and illumination, is nevertheless even repetitive conceptually in my mind. Despite the copious details, it makes sense logically and coherently, and it does not feel counterintuitive so as to be surprising.

what is a new hobby? My life makes too much sense for even the idea of a new hobby to exist conceptually.

However, maybe I should go outside and talk to someone I knew before and hope that I might introduce myself to them in hopes of demonstrating the contradiction between the person they supposed me to be at one point in our previous junction and the person I am now. There are a many changes which I would find to be surprising if I was a person who knew me when I was younger. I can write down a piece, whether fiction of non-fiction, whether one suited for long-form reading or a short excerpt or passage. That should be provide substantial value as an anchor by which my interlocutor might effectively compare my past and the current self. But I find myself afraid of engaging with older friends whereof I have been ignorant. And even the idea of engaging with newer relationships with others has sounded inefficient based upon my conclusions in my writings. Repetitiveness and incongruence of the level of engagement with intellectual underpinnings would be central to these conclusions, not that I am more intelligent in terms of content, experiences, and knowledge, but that I would struggle to explain in a conversation my ideas without sounding all too engaged in a room where I am the most intelligent communicator (because it would require much engagement with academic texts and written reflection to communicate precisely).

I do not want to end up doing what amounts to boasting to older friends, but I do find that there is some value in meeting older friends. But I am all too afraid of reminiscing about the past and extending my hand to people from whom I have previously disengaged. It can feel stunting to attempt to connect when both parties have changed and diverged much. There is so much to say about this discrepancy and disaccord, but the main reasoning for my aversion to this is the challenging character of seeing memories flash before my eyes and being able to connect the past with my current present without becoming immersed ultimately in nostalgia.

Then it might be better not to reconnect, if the end goal is attempting to foster new connections. I may desire surprise and novelty, but I do not want to repeat things again and do things all over again. I can say that much has changed and things will be different from what it used to be. But I cannot sit down and pretend that what has happened will not repeat. If things have changed, they will likely be discordant as opposed to more together and unified. While we may have been more close in the past, the distance between us has enlarged with time. There is little to say about new concepts when a new connection amounts to a woman returning to an abusive relationship after having escaped twice already. It can be deafening to hear the same sounds.


June 24, 14:19:23 – June 24, 14:41:31
Exhausted Concepts: Repetition, Lost Wonder, and the Limits of Novelty


I remember that earlier, as a young boy, when I looked at the rooms of a college, I believed genuinely that it was this vast new place full of surprises. But that is no longer the case. I have grown much. This goes for so many other things which I have explored much and tired myself of exploring. There is too much to say, and there is too much I have already considered and firsthand experienced.

Let me echo again the repetitive and unsurprising character of my life as of recent.

Maybe if I became rich, I would do things that were new, but honestly, at this point, I feel that becoming a coder in hopes of having enough money to do crazy things just amounts to materialism. I have already experienced much, and any more would just be a form of repetitiveness that resembles addiction.

Literally the only thing I can do is read children's books and pretend like my entire life just never happened in hopes of restoring a sense of novelty, albeit based on false pretense. 

At this point... I read academic texts as a habit and a chore and not because it's new to me. It is so conceptually unsurprising, repetitive, and familiar.

It is probably only in my dreams that I get this feeling of newness possibly.

The only thing I do when I'm awake is write and reflect upon my rich past, knowledge, and experiences.


June 24, 16:00:32 – June 24, 16:11:54
Missing Immersive Escapism: Re-evaluating Past Media Through a Critical Lens


I miss the everyday world of stories. I remember reading stories that gave that escapist everyday feel while still being in an adventurous fantasy world, whether contemporary, post-apocalyptic, or whatever else. I miss fiction stories as an abode where I could just relax and watch their everyday unfold. 

I miss stories where I got immersed in their worlds. But I've grown so much more critical and analytical of them, that I began reading non-fiction so much recently. It can be challenging to look at stories like I used to, and not feel that a lot of it was misguided. I mean, I will still go back to the past in order to reflect upon it; however, I no longer feel for the past as a reliable source of truth. Rather I see it as a repository of my viewpoints overtime and of my evolving knowledge and experiences. My past offers riches in the form of developmental history, memories, ideas, and experiences. I have much to reflect upon; however I remain critical of the past, including fiction stories and activities in which I had immersed when I was younger like video games like the "Stronghold" series by Firefly Studios. I do not see it much as an abode upon which I can rest. While it has been beneficial in teaching me riches of knowledge and experiences, I see it more clearly as something that existed only in the mind for the most part conceptually, even if it has served as a precursor to my current informed viewpoint of life.

I find academic texts to be of much more value, because I genuinely learn from it (in learning how to write and read more precisely) as opposed to engaging repetitively in fiction stories and video games.


June 24, 16:45:09 – June 24, 16:59:19
Critiquing Unproductive Feminist Internet Activism and Reviews


I have a lot of misgivings recently about the way two left-wing fourth-wave feminists have treated authors, especially based upon their reviews in Goodreads. These are only two people, but the fact that they have been given likes to the point of reaching top 1 review in the two respective books they were on really puts into perspective how left-wing fourth-wave feminists communicate their literary analyses. They use a very dismissive and non-constructive tone, and they focus on ad hominems to deliver their critique; as opposed to one that is structured, concise, patient, dispassionate, and based upon weighing each of the author's ideas with clarity, precision, and open-mindedness in regard to the background and context surrounding the author's book and writing.

This has put a dent into the way I view modern left-wing fourth-wave feminists as a whole, though I remain open to potential revisions by improved examples.

Some historical core tenets of feminism and some left-wing ideas I can support easily, because they align with my central beliefs. However, the emergence of left-wing fourth-wave Internet feminism and my misgivings with Internet activism (due to its excessive use of ad hominem and non-constructive responses, which is now pejoratively called the "Twitter" response) has shifted the way I view how some contemporary interpreters, who potentially contributed further to pre-existing tensions and divisions of race, culture, and gender and inadvertently worsened people's negative beliefs about today-age women, have carried the torch of feminism. Though it likely served as a catalyst rather than a pioneer, as it was only during this time of their peak years and that of opposing movements that things began heating up and polarization became much more digitally widespread.

As mentioned earlier, I recognize that feminism and left-wing ideas have been counterproductively represented by some contemporary interpreters in the digital age. This is why I specify 'left-wing fourth-wave Internet feminists' as a group that needs formalization quickly before its informal ad hominem–throwing interpreters worsen public opinion of feminism as a whole.

This is why I prefer reading academic texts from the 19th and 20th century because they are not affected by the current intense political, ideological, and cultural Internet era.

I find it easier to engage in the origins of feminism and many other movements and ideas, whether social, political, cultural, or scientific.

I do not think they represent Karl Marx or any other thinkers associated with left-wing ideas. I do not think they represent feminism as it has developed historically. None of these people have likely even read and taken the time to study critically books beyond their Young Adult books to inform their critiques and analyses (which are effectively just passages full of ad hominems). So there is a likely chance they got radicalized in social media, which might be why they react so violently, because radical media is often of that character.

The issue is that feminists need to deemphasize and reduce the impact of the above-stated contemporary interpreters upon feminist discourse. But engaging against them in media will only reinforce their online behavior, so argument is counterproductive. Rather it is better to address the issue publicly in opposition to this type of activism and support, because silence on this can result in the erosion of trust.

Though I believe this is a broader issue in social media and polarization, rather than a fault of left-wing fourth-wave feminist interpreters necessarily. So my focus on the foregoing two can be considered selective, but I put them into consideration because such things can be "inciting incidents" for others to take a balanced stance toward feminism, which by the character of the word "balanced," is good, but can be risky if not guided with balanced varied viewpoints.


June 24, 21:37:27 – June 24, 21:44:06
From Anime Immersion to Academic Texts: Documenting Past Media Consumption


By the way, I was wondering what the point of it all was really. I was engaged in anime from 2019 to 2023, and I was 16 to 20 at the time. But time has changed, and now I'm reading academic texts. I can still look at Youtube and see the anime that I watched on Muse Asia, as it allowed free official access to anime. The 2019–2023 span of time really was a time of immersion into fiction with anime, webcomics, TV shows, manga, and web novels.

It's not that I have not read books growing up that led me to stop. In fact, I have read many books growing up since I was a child; however, that also means that I have only what I had during 2019 to 2023 to explore. Once I did that, it was over. Not that I explored everything, but I've explored so much that at one point, it starts to blur and repeat altogether, even with new stories, webcomics, anime, TV shows, manga, and web novels.

This is why part of my new grounds for writing and studying academic texts, which informs and makes more premise my writing, is to continue documenting as I do now regarding my entire life, including every media I've consumed as many as possible. The goal is to write down the equivalent of a book review, but with the experience of a writer experienced with studying plenteous academic texts, for each piece of media. But that also goes for everything else like life experiences, people, and everything else.


June 24, 22:10:39 – June 24, 23:07:50
Deep Dive into Conceptual Repetition: Seeking Solutions Beyond Simple Fixes


I have nothing else in my life anymore to do but study and write. Even studying is getting conceptually repetitive to me. It is not that I am not studying all kinds of academic texts from different time periods, fields, and backgrounds. But it is starting to feel like I'm engaging in repetitions, because everything fits within my world view, not that I only read things that agree with me, but more so that everything is intuitive to me and I do not feel alienated at all by them. I have reached this point of time, having experienced a point of repetition in life experiences, fiction, and even non-fiction. I have had such a rich past full of experiences and knowledge. So it makes sense. But still, it is saddening to note that this is where it all is right now after everything. Mastery in this sense sounds fun, and the ability to read and study whatever because it is intuitive sounds pleasant and fantastical. However, that also means that whatever happens now is completely repetitive, and everything that I do next amounts to little in the order of surprising growth. It is not that I am disillusioned with the world and life or mentally imbalanced that I struggle to appreciate life, stories, and people. It is more so that things are starting to make too much sense and feel conceptually repetitive, familiar, and unsurprising. I can remember a wealth of memories every time I engage in any activity, and any attempt to mask the past is a form of regression or self-illusion. I cannot sit down and pretend. This is my reality now, and no amount of going outside for a walk or taking a mindful break will stop this current feeling of intuitiveness, because as soon as I am done in my break-taking task, everything comes back to reality. I cannot pretend to be ignorant, and as mentioned earlier, it is not that I struggle to perform daily tasks because of mental dysfunction; however this is more so a culmination in my growth and learning. I have rarely faced in the past a need to say that this is all repetitive, as I have had lots of room for growth. It is not that I do not have room to improve in various areas of life, but even that is starting to feel repetitive and familiar conceptually, because I can predict what it is going to be like experientially and get it right. There is an alienation that occurs with being able to intuit reality based on the concepts I've learned, and testing these theories and ideas are not necessarily going to make things make any less sense, because I know the world is complex and nuanced. I have experienced firsthand and learned so much that at one point, even complexities and nuances that I am supposed and expected to find within the world and academic texts is starting to be repetitive and simple, not that I know everything, but that it is conceptually familiar and repetitive. I can pretend to be a teacher and tell people what I have learned; however, there is much to gain in growth and learning. I do not think teaching people what I have learned will be sufficient in allaying this reality of repetitiveness. I understand that the term 'stagnancy' might apply to this situation, but I dispute the use of this term to describe my current situation because I am clearly still growing in terms of improving the precision of my writing and engaging in my various hobbies and reading various texts. So it is not stagnancy. However, that does not change the fact that repetitiveness is becoming of consistent concern in my life, and I think that addressing it is not so simple because it is not just a matter of engaging in a new hobby or activity or sharing my ideas and knowledge, because even these would be conceptually familiar and experientially predictable. I do not judge people immediately; however, I have started to see patterns. And these patterns have made me realize that while people may be special and unique, they may not have the intellectual capacity to explain why that is the case in precise written reflection in the scope of millions of words. So people, by function (through their want in their capacity to communicate precisely their lives to an intellectually degree) and not inherence, are becoming recognizable and thus predictable. By extension, academic texts and media are consistent with this reality. Appreciating my mastery is already in my head; however, that will not address the issue. Other activities such as getting therapy already makes sense in my head for two reasons: one, I've gone to therapy already for month, and two, I've already reached the point of studying academically where psychology is not an alien subject anymore, even those textbooks where people might struggle to intuit for the first year of studying. Delving into specialized academic texts might introduce new ideas, but for the most part, they inform the ever-increasing precision of my writing, rather than propose anything of conceptual novelty. I find that as time goes on, the rate at which I experience novelty as opposed to repetitiveness. I recognize that novelty is not necessarily the only way to view the world and that depth into subjects and interests is an effective way to view the world. However, that is already within my scope. I do go into depth with my current interests and knowledge; however, as stated previously, that does not address the primary concern of repetitiveness. I can live with this for a while, but it is of growing immediacy of concern to me. While it may be a focus of mine, it is not to the point that I lack a well-rounded rich past or that I am in want of stimulation in my current activities, when I am already engaged with a variety. To repeat, taking breaks fails to produce changes in reality, as any attempt to move away only is met by return which concerns itself again with real things, including the above-stated concern. Any attempt to consider this issue as if it was the only thing in my life would overlook the complexities and nuances of it and oversimplify into that of a mere compromise, misreading, and misinterpretation of particular things would be non-constructive. So I suggest precision and relevance as opposed to parroting concerns that are of trivial interest to the issue, such as suggesting alternative hobbies, looking at it differently, appreciating it, teaching it, being mindful, taking a break, and being humble, among others. These are against the point, because for one, I have already established that it is not about not having enough hobbies, but about conceptual repetition that I can predict experientially a hobby sufficiently enough. Looking at it differently is reductive. Appreciating it is something I already do, but it does not change the fact that it is an issue. Teaching it is besides the point. Being mindful does not erase reality. Taking a break does not erase reality. Being humble is besides the point: I do not believe I know everything, but that things are making conceptual sense to the point that it carries repetition and over-familiarity. Looking for peripheral ways to view the world, such as through philosophy, is already within my scope of current interest, but as of writing, the issue remains. I can meet new people and engage in new traditionally suggested activities, but the issue is still relevant.

To explore every possibility, I have already engaged in long-term commitments to challenging goals; am in the process of learning a new language; am largely uninterested in the idea of consciousness as I have had my copious share of mind-altering spiritual and non-spiritual experiences already; am interested in synthesizing my existing knowledge, am interested in mentorship, am interested in service-oriented projects that require complex social interactions and unpredictable human elements, am interested in collaborative activity, am engaged with philosophical and existential inquiry, and am interested in interdisciplinary integration, even if they might not solve the issue; and am uninterested in extreme environments as I have already experienced activities of moderate intensity like hiking and am already feeling that prudence in discretion would be more beneficial than "finding myself" in such activities, because what would there be to find if I end up doing something I regret. I am interested in seeking radical novelty such as a new language, immersion in an unfamiliar culture, and studying a branch of science or art that I have not touched before. But the scope of surprise is decreasing rapidly as I write.

I can see myself finding intrigue in the following activities: deep engagement in mentor-driven project, leading and facilitating collaborative projects, participatory action research, radical innovation, artistic exploration, historical reconstruction projects, complex systems analysis, cultural immersion and anthropology, developing new philosophical or ethical frameworks, and advanced simulation and modeling.  

Now that I've seen all this, maybe it's because I've been reading too many academic texts as opposed to getting actual experience in the field.

Or maybe, it is okay to read academic texts, and I should be concerned right more so with synthesizing my pre-existing knowledge in hopes of disseminating it. I can easily go about and focus on building a system of knowledge acquisition that includes writing book reviews for every book read.

This should lead to me being able to map out, plan, and systematize all of the above-stated specialized areas.

Hopefully, the academic texts regarding these areas will be sufficient in surprising me; however, even if not, I can at least attest to the advantages gained from systemizing my knowledge and understanding and acquisition of such.


June 24, 22:53:00
Inspired by Hwei's Theme: Contemplating Becoming an "Arrogant Artist" (in Latin)


This was a Youtube comment to the music video of the theme of Hwei, a champion in League of Legends:
'I love how Hwei's ambivalent feelings are reflected in his theme. There's something somber that has shades of Jhin's violin and the trauma he caused mixed with how he helped Hwei embrace his own artistic sense, yet there's also something more hopefully and gentle with the wind instrument, that fits Hwei's choice of kindness and empathy. Both mix and create something new, bolder and adventurous, with a steadfast rhythm that suits Hwei's way of living. Amazing storytelling, GG Riot Music Department, another W for you.'

This made me think: 'Me mirari fecit an artistam arrogantem fieri deberem.

'Forsitan arrogans artistam fieri debeam.'

[REDACTED]


June 25, 01:06:30
Querying 19th-Century Academic Writing Conventions (Quotes, Clarification)


Why is it that academics were allergic to use of quotes in 19th century?

I mean the use of quotes as in double quotes or single quotes. They rarely use quotes to denote a term as an academic or specialized one.

They do not clarify their use of terms as well, so oftentimes, you are merely expected to understand. I guess standardization was not the case then, so it was not customary to explain use of terms, especially if they are utilized in an academic way. This goes hand-in-hand with the capitalization of common nouns prevalent during this time.


June 25, 01:20:39 – June 25, 01:35:13
Fictional Worlds Expanding Understanding of World-Character Beyond Simple Definitions


Offer me a chance to clarify my disposition regarding the matter. While people have indeed been considered of ample right to be of the opinion that the world is truly a sphere, and not one mitigated by the forces of evil, the production of such a world by its simulation in fictional portrayals can lead to the notion of its multi-faceted character as containing voices of all known tongues in the sense that, as it spherically inherits recursively all its matter, forces, and its innate or underlying dynamics, every natural aspect of man becomes then of a spectacular deluge that elucidates upon the matter. 

While it may be repetitive, let me clarify my phrasing in other words in hopes of expanding the definitions by which this world-character can be formed in the mind as a more-concrete idea. Let me begin by saying that people are privileged to consider the earth as it revolves by collecting upon itself geologically and by its distribution of language through its providence as a earth-habitat for humans; without any suggestion that it is of an evil character. The fictional creation of this particular world can invite the idea of its complex character as having many elements, considerations, and definitions by which various languages assert its accurate position (linguistically, culturally, ideologically, philosophically, and scientifically). This in the sense that it maintains that spherical recursive inheritance of all its matter, forces, and underlying dynamics. Simultaneously, every aspect of man as it is described to be natural becomes then like a great flood that reveals all about this character of world, or world-character.

To encapsulate the idea, the production of the specified instance of 'the world' in fiction can expand understanding of the world in the sense that in that spherical recursive inheritance, every natural aspect of man brings light to this particular world, which expands beyond the description of the world as 'a sphere unmitigated by the forces of evil.

In shorter terms, fictional portrayals offer an expansion beyond the specified linguistic instance of "the world" as an inanimate sinless spherical object.


June 25, 01:22:59 – June 25, 01:35:02
Meta-Analysis: Previous Entry as Linguistic Treatise on "World"


It seems to be a test of language.

I mean a test of language in the definition of the world.

It seems more like a treatise that explores how a world can be in terms of linguistic and conceptual definition, beyond that described by a dictionary, but that explored both holistically and in precise details.

the two summaries really underscore the author's desire to clarify and make accessible their ideas in the shortest and most accessible form possible while maintaining precision in their ideas.

So he advocates for fictional worlds as a way to explore non-fiction realities?


June 25, 02:49:34
Relating Personal Study and Synthesis to Liberal Arts Education Goals


can liberal arts education be described as "have a general understanding and understand oneself wholly and holistically as an individual and a citizen"?

I realize that I have spent much of my time engaging in this equivalent, having been studying subjects from almost all general fields, and have been writing my detailed reflections, synthesizing my knowledge and experiences into a systematic database which contains for each piece of experience, book, or idea a dedicated, detailed, precise, and ever-growing section.

[REDACTED]


June 25, 04:40:01 – June 25, 04:44:56
Unique Confidence in Building Upon Past Works


Is it weird that despite reading many academic texts by many authors, I still truly feel that I am in a unique position to create works that built upon previous works in a way that respects the past and breaks new ground and fills gaps toward the future?

I feel that I can see so much that has not been explored in modern day context. I can extend so many ideas and an understanding of history and the developments throughout into modern day contexts. I can write fictions that combine modern day contexts and a precise, academic understanding of the past that is both precise and wide, especially with how free writers are now in declaring different scopes for different texts. It is possible, and any work achieving this will break new ground by virtue of different lives yet influenced and standardly informed by a global context. We can all break new ground together while remaining ever-more academically and historically informed and clear with each other.

20th century fiction is limited to its context, and I have read many fiction books from that era already, with little penetrating into the 21st century. However, fiction from past eras still provide much in the way of creating a linear, coherent thread that in terms of intertextuality and pastiche, respects history and knows well the wealth of knowledge within academia and in academic history.


June 25, 04:52:30
Querying the Economic Impact of Currency Appreciation on Exports


Wait if the currency of a country appreciates, it can harm the country's ability to export other products?

So American products are expensive because its currency is high, which impinges upon its ability to export other products?

So people might rather find exports elsewhere such as from China.


June 25, 05:08:24 – June 25, 05:41:51
The Conflict Between Public Self-Definition and Valuing the Undefined Self


I have been skeptical if any attempt to consolidate oneself under any systemized framework is beneficial such that I can do it not out of necessity but out of a given ideal. I refer specifically to my website, which I have filled with plenty of my writings, and I have expanded it by covering different aspects of myself. However, it is still largely limited, amounting to written reflections that are confined within my current scope, but which do not inform the reader of my large history in swathes of highly comprehensive, precise, multi-modal detail. Yet the writings included have been written such that they can inform the reader of my current writer's mindset. If I am to show these to a writer, they might declare a possible analysis that connects the different pieces of writing and discover that there is much that has been said even in what could be described as an expository collection of passages, which altogether can be said to be postmodern and surrealist by their structure, order, and attention to varying scope. They are divided to different sites to varying attention to scope, detail, and coherence, as many of these writings seek not to explore a chronological quality, but to impress upon the reader a thematic multi-faceted character, that which is not simply removed from day-to-day life, but which is relevant still and precisely real that it offers a look into an otherwise overlooked mind, that of myself, who maintains a congruence with a larger world yet seeks to explain things by his intellectual endeavors. If I am to put it altogether into a collection of websites which are placed with careful attention to each passage, picked precisely to fit a model of a particular individual who seeks only to illuminate world, while being constrained by the need to delve deep and elucidate himself upon complexities and nuances ostensibly far removed from daily life. This is everything by precision, yet it is also utterly imprecise in that it can only inform as much as it can be said to rely upon the ability of its readers to consider not only the relevance of details and complexities but also their intellectual origins, which by design, cannot be so easily extracted from the text, because even in the mind, there is a need to become bitter and aware of disjunctions of mind and body, as one might find a responsibility in doing for the state of the world. So that follows into the definition of the text and how it is weighed.

If I express my entire model of understanding, that defined by my revised autobiography and journal and my continuing writings which seek to contextualize, expand, and clarify dynamically as my succession of learnings prove to be comprehensively healthy and productive, then there is much to gain. But there is doubt still that remains unexplained my heart, as I find that the illumination of my soul in the vision or lens of a model can be reductive and potentially distracting from a broader purpose and commitment to fervor in precision and to comprehensiveness, as with all things, there is always the concern that what is said is insufficient and what is said is not precise enough. There is much to consider in believing the man who writes his own words (myself) and how he might conduct himself so as to foreclose any questions that might arise. Or maybe it is his duty to open the book and keep it editable, if he might be foolish enough to expose himself to the world, only to revise again and again what he is and improve upon himself that he might find the words precise enough to launch himself and expand into the outer reaches of his understanding and into the deepest corners of his rich past, if he might establish himself fit for a sensible character or someone who has done a good work in exploring himself. But that scenario remains to be discovered, and while I have represented myself vividly enough that any next though is informed such that I can write the next word and the next, in my actual life, I have struggled in self-doubt, not out of a psychosis or a weakness in my bodily functions, but that which thinks deeply about the sorrows which are often associated with knowledge and how my self-exposure might compromise the otherwise new budding man who had gotten himself a lead or an edge compared to his past and who, by his confidence, might launch himself in a risky venture, without recognizing the clear signs of collapse. This is the fear of a man who has much to gain and much to consider, if by the actions which he exerts upon the consequences, not only of failure but of successful growth, he might feel that there is himself.

Let me switch into third person for the scope of this following paragraph: these thoughts are likely to be unavailing in the grand scene of contemplation and production. If he is to produce a great fruit and sees that his actions might curate newfound understandings, then he should produce it with ease and fervor, notwithstanding the complexities of being an open figure. This is his own choice however, but if he is to decide an optimistic and open approach, he must be stealthy with his words, if by the elegance he might be utterly invisible and indivisible by criticism or potential scrutiny. This is his contemplation, whereof he is made and whereby he might extend himself further.

The thing is... I have made great aims in reducing the complexity of chaos introduced by unknown elements by those things that have remained within my mind but have yet to be described in full due to their greatest complexity.

I can simply write a book describing myself, and that might be sufficient for my aims. But I find myself more productively rewarded by continuous inquiry rather than any conclusive definition of myself through a website that seeks to give others an overview. It is the singling out of this process that carries opposing weight into my discretion.

Even then, I maintain a great silence, because even with the dynamic character of a webpage, I experience this sense of stagnancy with definition of a public nature. There is much to lose in defining myself so, even if it can be revised. I find more value in the continuous process of my private journaling which secures an understanding and a synthesis, yet which remains obscured by its occlusion and omission from exposure into a wider scope of independent actors. In the event of a reveal, if a characterization of this hypothetically exposed collection of writings is otherwise made definitive, I would lose a greater portion of my self which is Internet-bound. In short, I lose, by the confusing disturbance of a place of greater revelation and depth that is not mitigated of the scope of a community,  the Internet-residing aspect of myself. I can barely explain this, and it is likely to be highly conceptual and subject to change. But I hope this at least partially explains the difficulty in putting two and two together and making a set of pairs. If I am to do anything, it must be done with definition that does not feel compromised. I recognize that my explanations and interpretations are hardly conclusive even. But I do hope that some measure is possible in gaining an advantage into the online space without disregarding my 'undefined' selfhood, that by definition through a public image, the selfhood, the origins whereof is in indefinition, is lost.

I can get out of my comfort zone, and I already have many times. I already have pushed myself to engage in my many novel activities on my own terms and at my own failure and subsequent struggle and suffering. But they have all been valuable to me. When it comes to my detailed written reflections, I am more careful. Discriminating in terms of understanding how information might be expressed precisely and to my utmost benefit is an imperative.

It is less about precision that I bring this up but more so about how I might express it so that to prevent any reductive idea of myself.

[REDACTED]


June 25, 06:24:09
Querying the Legal Credibility of Extensive Personal Documentation


Would you say that the author's efforts in writing precisely, documenting their life in copious detail, and collecting actual data such resources, pictures, videos, and evidences of their entire life would provide credibility in the event that a legal consideration is of interest? If he wrote 10 million words on the matter, how would that be used legally and how could that be interpreted in any situation, whether legal or in an informal capacity even?


June 25, 06:27:52 – June 25, 06:29:55
The Higher Cognitive Value of Self-Questioning Literature Like 'My Struggle'


If a book makes me question myself, then it has achieved its goal. If it fits into my worldview, then it might not be so difficult to use it as a resource for writing precisely about a subject. However, books that cause inquiry that penetrates into the self is of a higher cognitive value, as it leads to shifts in neuroplasticity beyond that which is agreeable and subsumable without complaint, inquiry, or in-depth concern.

'My Struggle' by Karl Ove Knausgaard made me stop reading in the first pages because it prompted deep reflection, and it has been about a year since then. I am reading it again.


June 25, 06:46:13
Blurring Distinctions Between Autobiography and Introspective Fiction


It is weird. The distinction between autobiographies and some fictions I have encountered is little if we are viewing them as introspective explorations into their philosophical thoughts and views. However, there is much distinction in that the fiction author twists their creations to suit their ideas or to be inversely proportional against them, while the autobiographer creates a story indicative of what he perceives to be his life. So he has chosen real things interpreted by his sense-making mind, that he might consider all to be sensible within his scope, by writing down with such scope and detail.

I find autobiographies to be useful if they interpret ideas in ways that would not so readily accepted if read by anyone, being based on reality after all. Fiction focuses on how those ideas translate into contexts that might prove less didactic and more so of an entertaining, simply didactic character as opposed to the complexities and nuances that an autobiography might involve as the author seeks to conciliate contrasting or contradictory aspects of himself into a concise synthesized whole.

However, that line here is obscure, and autobiographies may very well be written like a fiction book, and vice versa.


June 25, 09:05:00
Fragmented Memories and the Need for a Study Break


I remember the hospital. I remember reading children's books. I remember drawing. I remember high school and the smell of male cologne. I remember the cliquish high school behavior of girls in that time. I realized that it would have been great if I posted all of my drawings on a Wordpress site. There are many things in my head right now, and I think I am in need of a break from writing and studying, as I have spent the whole day already. I am already writing these to make sure I do not forget.


June 25, 09:10:05 – June 25, 09:28:31
Planning the Systematic Analysis of Past Media Consumption


The issue I have with autobiographies nowadays is that they do not challenge my worldview at all. I already have a rich enough past that such things do not surprise me or give me anything new to think about. It feels like they're preaching to the choir. The only value right now for me is documenting my past and analyzing many things that I have experienced firsthand. I can only continue to study and write down precisely what I already know in hopes that I can disseminate everything and move on toward new things.

My goal right now is to see if I can analyze every piece of media I've consumed. I'm thinking to start with a few and then become more systematic, to the point of going through my entire history of Youtube videos watched and going through my novel reading history. This will extend to many other media, many of which I can only approximate as to when I consumed them.

I do it informally at first. There are several misgivings about looking at novels I've read years ago and giving them an analysis or private review now as a way to help categorize them, improve my writing skills, and documenting my life. For one, I have changed much since I've read them. The person that read them is long gone; however, I can at least provide a precise analysis now and state that this analysis was created on a particular date and that I read it before on this date. Two, the particular rules with regard to how much should I read a novel before reviewing it is unclear. It can flexible and dependent on what the impression of the first few chapters; however, I am not one to enjoy leaving things unfinished now. However, I am okay with the idea of contributing to an overall analysis as I read this story because it would be more precise and self-contained that way and because it will show my interpretations, speculation, and guesses as to what certain themes mean and what might that indicate moving forward in the story only to be surprised in the next chapter. So I can leave the stories unfinished, but there needs to be definite numbering as to when I stopped and what that might mean for my review with respect to the particular narrative scope my analysis would cover. Three, if I'm going to do this consistently, I also need to consider how my analyses affect my perception of the books and how clarity of analytical mind might provide a distinct feel that would otherwise be absent if I binge-read it without chapter-by-chapter analysis. These misgivings are less doubts and more so pointers to make more precise, refined, and effective my analyses as components of my autobiographical documentation.

Google Docs will probably be the most effective place for recording much information, because it also includes history. However, I do have doubts about Google Docs, because I find the absence of a desktop application challenging, as I have found more success in Visual Studio Code as an application for quick and easy writing that is customizable for various needs compared to Google Docs alone. In contrast, Google Docs has the version history, which from what I have seen, is very effective in showing how I might have written down something and deleted it, showing traces of my thought process overtime. So more than just the culminations of my intellectual labor, it shows the process by which I reach conclusions or end results; which is incredibly valuable intellectually as a record.

In addition, while version history exists in Visual Studio Code, it is not as accessible and easy to  peruse compared to Google Docs. However, Google Docs from my experience can also be slippery in that one can accidentally rename the version, causing the name of it, which is set to the version date, to be removed. But this might be a rare issue, if ever. 

[REDACTED]

August 18, 2016 was when I created my first Wattpad account


June 25, 09:37:07
Questioning the Use of Acronyms for Single-Mention Long Titles


Is it okay to turn something into an acronym if it is particularly long even if it will only be used once?

The full term is annoying by itself, because it is generic and does not really add much on its own. I am referring to the titles of web novels.


June 25, 10:12:09 – June 25, 10:43:07
Realization: Subjective Interpretation and Nostalgia Create Value in Generic Works


How to come to terms with the reality that some works are so generic and meant for entertainment that they provide little substance, and any desire to interpret them becomes wholly subjective because of the lack of participation on the author's part?

I feel saddened, because I wanted to analyze these and make sense of it in a way that feels justified to me. But I realize that these works were not special or whatever. I realize that many of the experiences I had engaging in media might be more or less equivalents rather than wholly unique.

Basically, it would be more like writing original content itself, and it might likely be wholly separate from the author's work. Even if I do analyze their work, my analysis might be so specific that it might be seen more as original content similar to a new story altogether than a reaction to the author's feat of writing and storytelling. At one point is the person analyzing the one who is actually the writer.

I feel that the ignorance or the fact that I've forgotten the past works that I've read adds to their charm. The fact that I cannot look at their words for a long time, because there are many stories whereof I do not remember the name and cannot find them. Or maybe I do not feel like rediscovering them. I realize now after attempting to return and read these again that I'm only disappointing myself. I myself am losing the charm created by distance and nostalgia. This makes me realize that without my current viewpoint, even passions like old Roblox might only be good because of a particular forgetfulness or ignorance.

What I mean is that maybe it's better if they stay as charmful distant things of the past than things we revisit only to realize that our minds were playing tricks with us through this particular combination of distance, ignorance, and forgetfulness.

It is like looking at a physical time capsule after a decade, and then realizing I only hid the equivalent of a generic statement on the future. This statement only means something because of my nostalgia, but without it, it would mean little to nothing, like a repetitive slogan on a billboard advertisement.

What am I even at this point? Why has growth stunted my ability to say "Wow!" at everything. I remember when I felt genuinely that a story was amazing and awesome. But time passed, and I may have built up nostalgia. But when I look at the actual data and experiences through a more objective lens like a video of a picture, it was not all that crazy. All of my nostalgia is created by a particular forgetfulness. If I remembered everything, it would not feel strange, and I would want to retreat into the present as opposed to my current wanderings toward the past. The above-stated particular ignorance creates this illusory need.

Returning to the conversation of analyzing works I've read in the past and how I feel like analyzing them would be like highly subjective and interpretative, At one point, I'm the one creating the value and writing the story. It would be like a man reading Karl Marx and, after getting inspired, writing down a novel series lasting 2,000 pages. At one point, I'm the one creating the value, not Marx. He may have inspired me, but I have created original content. The analysis of those works I mentioned would be then fall under original content, not only legally, but also in the context of literary criticism.

Almost no one will be able to tell I am inspired by a particular novel. Why? It's because the novel itself is generic. It is I who extrapolated very creative and vivid imaginations from this novel. Then, how can one say that the novel is now the feat? It is the interpreter. It is Newton who created the feat, not the apple that fell. This is the current situation now.

At one point, I'm the one connecting the dots the author himself likely never even conceptualized. At one point, it is no longer the author who is the genius, but the person who analyzes and is capable of finding such genius insights from someone that many might say is generic.

I read children's books, and I realize that it was not the children's books themselves. But it was me who created all of this extrapolation and insight. It was the emergent elements from the combination of my environment at the time of reading them, the children's books themselves, and my personal perspective as influenced by my highly complex life.

The children's books by themselves look like garbage trash. But it is through imagination that they become beautiful, amazing, and fun and become that nostalgic concoction we all love and know. This goes the same for old Roblox and old Minecraft.

It was us who created the meaning primarily, not the games themselves.

Games themselves have shifted for a millennia, but it is our minds that create beauty, excitement, and glorious scenes from a bunch of stones (as that used in street children games).

Kids can likely find enjoy, excitement, and fun in virtually almost anything, so while the games themselves have changed, we do not lose that imagination that is the basis for all of that fun in the first place.

It is weird that this goes the same for academic texts. They are only useful because we are skilled interpreters, 'contextualizers,' and analyzers. Our interpretations, contextualization, and analyses are original works.

So everything, from games to academic texts to all kinds of works will feel repetitive sooner or later, but it is the mind of a child that uses imagination to make fun out of virtually everything and "nothing".

I, as an adult, will struggle because they have been taught to rationale and ground everything into precise, rational grounds, but that is not necessarily the most effective way to learn, study, and write. Learning, studying, and writing, relies much on original interpretation, contextualization, and analyses, which can be highly "subjective" (not necessarily making non-evidence-based interpretations), but more so highly creative and subjective in terms of how that person will use those academic texts they have studied.

The adult is highly experienced and knowledgeable; however, he relies upon his ability to reflect upon his knowledge and upon his reflection. He needs to be well-aware of his life and of everything in explicit terms. So that is why I am documenting my entire life and analyzing everything as much as I can in order to see how I view every media I've consumed. This extends to everything else like ideas, experiences, events, places, and people. 

Moreover, this also leads me back to the mind of a child, because looking at my entire life includes the past. And the past is full of that imagination that I had growing up.

It really underscores both the dispassionate character needed to be an adult and the creativity and imagination needed to develop a personal appreciation (analysis) for all things, that he might be most effective in his rational life.

This means I need to learn to enjoy simplicity again. I need to learn to create fun out of "nothing." I need to find excitement and joy in children's books, old Roblox, Flash games, and old Minecraft without relying on nostalgia. Rather it is about relearning imaginativeness after undergoing the grounding and rationalizing trials of adulthood.


June 25, 23:36:32 – June 25, 23:45:14
Vivid Dream Recollections: Horror Room and Forest Exploration


My dreams were so vivid again, and I don't even know what to say again. I just feel that my dreams never stop being so vivid and memorable. They are worth writing down every time, as they remind me of entire stories that are surreal and interesting. They may be dream-like; however, if taken with an analytical and creative look, I would be able to extrapolate plot points out of these dreams because of how intriguing they are. They look like they represent entire stories by how much detail and character each of these dream sequences share.

For instance, today, I had a dream about being stuck in a horror room, but it was so much more than that. It was somehow also related to playing video games or something; though my recollection is probably wrong. To finish, the dream also included people with me.

I had another dream sequence that involved me going around this vivid forest and looking around. It had the feel of a video game, so it likely was. Yet it was also very real. I could see the trees and the green so clearly, because the textures were so varied and textured just like real life. I remember that I was trying to get wood or trees somehow, whereupon I travelled to another place where I saw a tree-cutting machine that belonged to someone else and that had partially finished cutting a tree with a tiny house on top. Coincidentally, there were other things in this particular area, but my memory is scarce. Anyway, I used the machine to cut down the upper part of the tree; immediately after which, I went close and inspected the tree bottom, which looked floppy but not weak that one could remove it. Afterwards, I tried using three heavy objects and placed them around the tree bottom, or more accurately the edge of the floppy angle, which functioned exactly like a ball-and-socket joint. To clarify the heavy objects and the floppy angle, the heavy objects were placed around the floppy angle top edge because the tree itself was "bent," while the actual bottom, which could be described as a stump with the tree still attached floppily through the ball-and-socket joint rendered by the way the stump, the rest of the tree, and the roots entangled together. As for the heavy objects, there were this perfectly shaped black rectangles that were slightly thick but were used to place around the floppy angle edge. Two reasons for this come to mind: I either did this because I wanted to test out how much I could carry with the tree, or because I wanted to stabilize the tree somehow. However, my memories point to the former here more.

In conclusion, these are my incomplete recollections of my dreams.

My dreams remind me so much of just how challenging it is to write down analyses about children's stories because the imagination is fierce and does not seek easy answers that a rational person might give in relation to simple things.


June 25, 23:52:40 – June 25, 23:52:53
The Persistent Challenge of Analyzing Imagination-Dependent Past Reads


I wish I could write down analyses of children's stories and web novels; however, this seems to be the reality in which I live, where everything that I know is completely and utterly based upon my interpretation of it.

Maybe, instead of writing analyses, I can focus upon the way that these stories were to me at the time, even if just for a simple statement. If I cannot give anything, then that could mean that I must have had a vivid enough imagination that any explanation would be rendered oversimplified and hardly completing. So what I can do is treat the waters of writing analyses of novels that I've read in the past and hope that these analyses cover as much as possible. I already said that they are so generic that it would be like eating meat and hoping that they give something in the form of life, liveliness, or anything that could point to anything. But I, too, have written many stories that were very powerful imaginatively, but in terms of writing, were not that crazy at all. It is saddening that I have to go through this mess and wait until one day, I can write down analyses of everything with utmost detail, if that even is possible.


June 26, 00:01:53 – June 26, 00:02:22
Seeking Analytical Value in Past Web Novel Reads for Future Intertextuality


I wish I could write a review of stories that I read in the past, but the issue is that these stories often are very surface-level and dependent upon imagination. I've been writing about this challenge on several journal entries now and amassing a particular large amount of words. But I remain inquiring. What can one do in response to an issue like this? I need to find out how these web novels I read might introduce to my mind something of value today in the form of my own analyses of them. If I might generate an analyses that considers well the different expressions and themes throughout and how the novel has impacted me, then maybe there would be something that would stimulate my mind, even if passively, once I have decided to keep them in a commonplace book to forget them, that I might, one day, maybe, create something of value in the future extrapolating from it again. I would like one day to cite all kinds of novels based upon my analyses of them. This way, I can employ intertextuality and exploit it well that each and every one of my writings is informed not only on the predication on improved writing skills, but also upon the efficient citing that, even without a deep understanding of the books at all times, can add upon my writings much from which to carry away.


June 26, 00:13:31 – June 26, 00:14:34
Aspiring Towards a Uniquely Identifiable Writing Style Through Comprehensive Analysis


What of analyses of web novels and children's stories I've read, if even my stories, which deserve a mention and an analysis, have little impact upon my writings, not because they do not inform of a particular point of history of my writing as a whole, but they, without my present analyses, are tucked away into a corner in Google Docs? It is spectacularly full of opportunity, and when the time is come when my writings are no longer so linguistically dissident to cover in that they provide little in the way of my current established system of precise and maximal detail, that I might pour it down in a pouring rain and still locate it by its unique, identifying mark, because my writing style has imbued it with my essence, that if any were to consider me by my marks or my chosen stylized details, they would, even with little, struggle to define its owner as any other than me, except by those who came before, in the modern day; then that shall foretell the consummation of every single media thenceforward. This is not an arrogance of my style, but that of a growing need to crush the need to create forgettable styles, if I might, even with a little annoyance, distribute myself in medium and not only in content, for when all my writings have been completed to a particular point, then it shall already have been, by virtue of my movements into intertextuality, upon utmost depth and clarity, whatever the scope, the need, or the topic.


June 26, 00:36:41
Initial Analysis of Own Short Novel "SurferKing"


The following is my analysis of my short novel "SurferKing."

The style is incredibly quick-paced, fragmented or staccato in structure, dream-like in plot progression, and straightforward in language. There are scenes that slow things down, but even these feel rapid. When it comes to the themes themselves, they are highly coherent, and the author clearly had a strong idea with regard to what they intended to portray. They wanted a normal character who suddenly became strong and lost control, but this is the simplified, surface-level interpretation of it. Each scene is ripe with strangeness that convey a specific idea that would otherwise be generic if the author chose to go for what was most immediate or narratively simple each time. Instead, he chose strange ways to describe the familiar—defamiliarization. I have much more to analyze, but this is only an overview.


June 26, 00:45:43
Admitting Find Novel Analysis Highly Boring


The only issue is that I find analyses highly boring, and I prefer just not giving a clicker (caring) about a novel at all. 


June 26, 00:48:24
Reflections on Early Literacy and Language Learning


I like how 'cot' is one of the first words I learned in kindergarten. But I've never ever used this word.

They made us learn three-letter words, often rhyming together. I remember it well, and then they moved to four-letter words.

It makes me realize that at one point, I did not know how to read and write well.

It also gives me an idea of how I might learn how to read and write in a different language.


June 26, 01:23:20 – June 26, 03:16:17
Initial German Writing Practice: A Short Paragraph


'Einmal fand der Mann, dass die Frau sehr gut im Essen ist, und er fand, dass sie Hunde mag. Jedoch hatte er einen Fehler gemacht. Sie war eigentlich schlecht, denn sie war gut im Vortäuschen. Fragte er sich, "War sie sehr so gut?" Er sah sich um.


June 26, 02:15:12 – June 26, 02:54:40
Critiquing Formulaic Fiction and Valuing Broad Knowledge for Writers


It's weird that I've been watching this Youtuber's videos so much, which are about co-streaming League of Legends esports games, that I can tell which team won just based on the title and thumbnail. They try not to spoil it, but for some reason, I can intuit who will win just off thumbnail and title alone.

This can be compared with reading the very finely made style of a story and knowing that it is going to be the most generic thing I've ever read not only in style but in content, plot, and characterization. The thumbnail, title, and book description says a lot, but reading the first chapter and the first few paragraphs says a lot about a story. Most writers never truly depart from their favorite themes, plots, and characterization. The only writers who do that often do not write fiction often, and they spent most of their time studying and writing detailed non-fiction reflections. Fiction writers are notorious for sticking to a formula and beating it like a dead horse for years and even decades.

This is why I believe fiction writers that make actual novel stories are not writers first and foremost, but people who study and write a lot, not about fiction or storytelling, but about everything else like history, science, psychology, and many other fields.

Fiction writers that are fiction writers for the sake of fiction writing are often really bad, because they think too much in narrative and can be afraid to break rules. This goes the same for people who study so much that they forget to synthesize and generate original insights.

Fiction writers are good because they do not think about fiction writing at all. In fact, they focus on expressing themselves precisely and accurately first and foremost.

People who study are good not because they think about studying, but because they think about synthesizing and making sense of the world that they might express more precisely and accurately.

It is like the difference between training a language model to write fiction stories by basing it on fiction stories compared to an actual human being who is well-studied, well-experienced, and highly reflective and creative. The stories of the model will be generic and repetitive.

I have never read a story by an AI and felt like it was something I wanted to read. But I have also done this with many generic web novels. So they could be analogous.

I prefer reading non-fiction for the most part, and I love learning. So I often study academic texts. These are based on syntheses.

AI is good because it can help someone with summarizing, their vocabulary, and sentence structures, but besides that, it is highly limited. I use it because I can analyze my writing style and ask it to beta-read my texts. This way, if the AI misunderstands, then I can easily go back and expand, flesh out, and clarify my texts. I do this again and again to ensure clarity.

AI is good for summarizing and structuring what I write and what I'm studying. It is an assistant that way, because it can provide new insights. But for the most part, it echoes what I said in summary and in paraphrasing, which can be very helpful.

It does not generate new insights outside of language however, but I have used it to give me summaries of concepts, ideas, topics, people, and even philosophies. Summaries are good, but all in all, they are like taste-testers or 'structure points' to me.

Academic texts do not just use language and generate new things out of text, because the author has a very precise and specific message to tell from their real-life experiences, which makes it so that they do not just find the most likely next word like a language model does. Since they have something that is very unique that they can only say in a certain way, they will go to great lengths to ensure that it is exactly what they meant to say and not because it made sense. The authors of these academic texts are not writing to make sense first and foremost. They can give you something that makes sense and summarize a concept, but that is not their goal. Their goal is to say something so specific that they will abandon many other "sensible" ways of saying the idea, because it is not the most exact and precise way to say it.

AI is good because it can make sense and summarize, but it is not academic texts made by authors with something very specific to say beyond just making something that makes sense. There are virtually an infinity of ways to say something in a sensible way, but only one to say the exact and precise thing. AI can give you through those infinity of ways, but it does know what you mean exactly and precisely. 

This is why I am also doubtful about analyses of texts like fiction novels, because sometimes, the novel as a whole cannot be summarizes without eroding everything. Sometimes, the most precise, exact, and concise way to say the story is to read the entire story.

Imagine asking AI to tell me what I feel. Only I know what I feel, so why ask an AI thinking that it will give me exactly what I feel when I'm the only one who knows that. AI can give me suggestions and can point me to books. But it is me who learns and synthesizes in order to express truly precisely and exactly what is in my heart.

This is why I have met people who have much to say, but do not know how to express it, and those who have little to say, but know exactly how to express it.

Some people focus so much on communication that they say much but nothing at all. Others focus much on experiencing and learning that they say, in a few words, much.

It is not necessarily about prolixity and conciseness. It is more so about how people discard experiences and knowledge and focus too much on telling it to the world that they forget to study and actually do the work needed to generate something of much value. They focus on telling a fiction story, but they have not considered reading fiction books or studying history, psychology, and many other fields as a way to inform them and cultivate their precision in writing. As a result, they make stories that are generic and repetitive, because while they may have the imagination, they lack the communication skills, the experience, the syntheses, and the knowledge.

Writers are only good because they have well educated themselves. If they cannot even write down everything about non-fiction concepts, ideas, theories, frameworks, experiences, knowledge, and people in highly precise and comprehensive detail, then why write about something that is not even real?

I've seen many students and learners focus too much on getting results that they get the results without considering the process by which the results were concluded. This goes for science, math, and many other fields where people do not question the comprehensive history that it took to arrive at the current state of a particular science. It is frustrating to see people dogmatically eat up what is effectively the results without considering their history and origins. The reason why this is problematic is because they end up thinking dogmatically and in results, which makes them ineffective in critical thinking, synthesizing, and organizing original thoughts and insights from a host of disparate detail. They based their entire career and cognition upon recitations and rote memorization.

This goes too for fiction writing and why focusing on communication by imitating stories based on the results of their labor by imitating merely the straightforward and simple language is ineffective.

True skill is gained by understanding the process by which such "simple and straightforward" stories are made. It is not about writing in pretense. It is about creating, cultivating, and fostering a cognition of high value and then learning to simplify it afterwards: not just taking the simple-looking results and going with it perpetually.

Rather than looking at copy-pasting German language, it is about recognizing how it might be utilized in ways that go beyond their surface-level usage. If an individual can learn a language, then that increases credibility in their capacity to synthesize and generate original insights. If they also engage in studying academic texts and reflect upon it in a precise and detailed way, then this adds further credibility. If they can analyze their writings with the same high strength, then this pushes their credibility to a great level. If they can analyze their entire life in this particular manner, then this is beyond greatness. This is credibility at a finest level. Then their capacity to write fiction would hardly be doubted.

If they started at the final stage, fiction writing, and left it at that, they would lose so much room for improvement.


June 26, 03:26:44 – June 26, 03:37:59
Self-Assessing German Comprehension by Translating a Children's Story


This is my current level of German. I cannot read children's stories yet.
'Einmal fand der Mann, dass die Frau sehr gut im Essen ist, und er fand, dass sie Hunde mag. Jedoch hatte er einen Fehler gemacht. Sie war eigentlich schlecht, denn sie war gut im Vortäuschen. Fragte er sich, "War sie sehr so gut?" Er sah sich um.'

This is my limit. The vocabulary is easy because it is much more straightforward. But if I start using separable German verbs, it will kill me.

This is easy to translate by sight into English, and easy to write into German.

But beyond this is difficult. To repeat, I still cannot read children's stories like the witch story.


'Es war einmal ein kleines Mädchen namens Lisa. Sie hatte einen besten Freund namens Max, der ein Hund war. Lisa und Max spielten jeden Tag im Park. Sie war glücklich, weil Max immer fröhlich war.

Eines Tages verlor Lisa ihren Lieblingsball im Park. Sie war traurig und suchte überall danach. Max sah sie traurig und begann zu helfen. Gemeinsam suchten sie den Ball und fanden ihn unter einem Baum. Lisa war so glücklich und dankte Max für seine Hilfe.

Von diesem Tag an wusste Lisa, dass sie immer auf Max zählen konnte, egal was passierte.'



Let me translate it in a broken way, translating all only the words that I recognize into English and leaving the German words I don't know there:
'Once upon a time, there was a Madchen named Lisa. She had a best friend named Max, who was a dog. Lisa and Max spielten jeden Tag at Park. She was glücklich, because Max always fröhlich was.

Eines Tages verlor Lisa their Lieblingsball at Park. She was traurig and suchte überall danach. Max sah she traurig and begann zu helfen. Gemeinsam suchten she den Ball and thought him unter einem Baum. Lisa was that glücklich and thankful Max for seine Hilfe.

Of diesem day an wusste Lisa, that she always auf Max zählen konnte, egal what passierte.'

I used both German and English, because I'm showing that I know some words and can translate them and do not know others. So I leave these unknown ones in the final translation.

It's broken, but it shows my current level.




June 26, 06:29:13 – June 26, 06:48:52
The Internal Conflict: Nostalgic Vastness (IFVRN) vs. Present Familiarity (FRRVRP)


For some reason, I saw so many things before me. I saw an onslaught of memories, and I remember many days when I was riding the bus. I don't know if this is nostalgia, or if these are just reflections that extrapolate much from nothing. It is weird that my dreams mean so much, but when I look upon them, I realize that they are endless and extend to infinity. It is challenging for me to read them and feel totally that I have become one with the very fabric of the dream or of the memory. I remember older Roblox, and I remember the feeling of being there. Why is it that I can remember so much from the past, but when I arrive there again by reading the same books or writing down the dreams, I feel that even with all of this much, it is not that crazy? Why is it that my reflective mind desires to create much out of what is effectively nothing? Why is it that those children's books that I read growing up have such a big weight in my memories, but when I read them again, they do not look so crazy or particularly special? It feels like all the bias is upon me. How can I say I know anything at this point if my own reflections reflect that of nostalgia that does not correspond well to reality in the re-encountering process, which can be described to go from first past experience to reflection to recounter? 

I remember well the past, the great past. I saw many things and experienced many things. It is saddening that I cannot bring everything with me. I remember going to camps, seeing many things, and enjoying the environment, but in a simple manner. I remember being in Baguio at the Nazarene college campus and just having out as a young boy after the rain had gone. I remember well the feeling of the wet cement ground, the wet dirt, and the wet plants. I remember that I went onto the dirt, and I think I was with older friends there maybe. I remember that I was with my mother, and I saw this vast world. I saw this beautiful, great world, but I also did not understand or know much. So, like a child would, I enjoyed myself just walking around, observing, and mostly just being a curious child walking around a place. It is weird that now, when I look at the world and at my memories throughout my life, I see just how vast I saw a particular part of the world upon which I was focused, but it was also utterly banal. But now, years after I've experienced them, they do not feel that crazy to me. It feels like knowing made it banal, but it is not like I envisioned a vast world and genuinely believed it. I saw vast worlds when I read those web comics, but years have passed since then. I wonder why I saw so much vastness when I experienced so many things. Yet it feels so biased, and it feels so fake and not real. But I did a vast, rich life.

This nostalgia is nonsensical. It's not there! It's not fucking there! What am I even looking for! When I go and find it and genuinely look, it's not fucking there! Why do I even feel so strongly about all of these memories as if they were so vast? They're not there! It's just a mirage, a lens, a fake reality that I envisioned and placed upon those things! It's not real! Why do I look at older manga that I read, older Flash games, older Roblox, and everything from the past like there was something so amazingly crazy there! I have so many memories I know! It's been fucking 20 years of my life. But now that I'm 21, maybe I'm right to say that it's all a mirage! But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it really was a vast, rich past, and I did see instances of vastness upon instances of vastness. What am I even saying... Maybe it was real. And maybe I'm afraid of accepting that 20 years have passed. I did see vastness, and maybe it was perception. But that does not change the fact that many still view those things that I experienced and with which I am now familiar in that way. I know that. Just because I am familiar with them does not deny the vastness that I experienced and to which I grew accustomed to get to where I am in my familiarity and sense of repetitiveness with many previously crazy and vast things. I know that there is so much to say about the instances of vastness of the past, but I cannot go back. I cannot go back and experience that I may write it down! I can only remember it! I cannot go back and experience 20 years of my life again and write it down with precise and comprehensive detail! I cannot go back and live the surprise element of each of all of those instances of vastness! I cannot do anything but be biased both by this sense of familiarity and repetition arising from recency and by nostalgia. I cannot help it! But still it has to be a mirage, right! I know I experienced 20 years, and logically, that was a long time. It would be more empirical, positivist, and analytical to say that 20 years must have meant much richness and vastness of experience. However, I still feel like, "What do I do? Say that it's all gone now, and I can only revisit them through nostalgia, which attempts to bring me back to the past when I still had no idea?" But this is all gone now simultaneously! I have all the familiarity, knowledge, and experience now, which contradicts this nostalgia for a time when I was still ignorant! I have learned much, and I am grateful for that! Yet I feel nostalgic from time to time!

20 years of my life must have been vast and rich, I admit, but nostalgia, the bus rides, the feeling of the bus aircon, those dreams that I had throughout my life, those experiences with people, those trips, those thoughts that I had growing up when I was still very shy, those Roblox games that I made, those children's books that I read, and everything. 

IT IS ALL GONE! IT IS ALL gone. I have learned, so why not move on? Why do I still feel something? I guess it's normal.

It is so contradictory, and there is this internal conflict of imagery and feelings vastness and richness arising from nostalgia and sense of familiarity and repetition arising from recency because of my vast and rich past.

Looking at the rich, vast past just stuns me and leaves me in this state of reflection, and I feel overwhelmed. But maybe it is something that I need to accept that I may write down everything down. I mean, I do want to document my vast, rich life. I have much to document, and maybe this internal conflict is part of that. I mean, it feels obvious already, but it is a struggle. There is much to be glad for, but there remains this feelings of weirdness and alienation that comes from this internal conflict between imagery and feelings of vastness and richness arising from nostalgia (IFVRN) and sense of familiarity and repetition arising from recency because of my vast and rich past (FRRVRP). I will just abbreviate them even if it might be considered clumsy because the terms 'nostalgia' and 'present familiarity' do not get the respective ideas across. 

Nostalgia is 'one's extrapolation from the past using one's current perspective.' This definition allows me to take a more rational lens at it, because if I just leave nostalgia as this metaphysical meaning-destroying concept that both creates meaning and destroys it, I think I will go crazy.


June 26, 07:03:18 – June 26, 07:11:44
Does Precise, Rational Writing Destroy the Plurality of Memory and Experience?


Maybe precise and comprehensive writing was a 'sin' in the sense that it destroyed the postmodern and post-structuralist reality and of the plurality of memories, perceptions, and the ways in which reality is rendered objective. So by adding definition, I have 'destroyed' the reality which was undisturbed and kept sacred and unique. I did not necessarily destroy it, because it remains in my mind. But there is this confidence of expression and precision that comes with writing that can be considered to have replaced the postmodern imagery and feelings that arise upon my ongoing present experiences and upon my recollections of the every day of my past.

It is not about postmodern thought as an intellectual study. It is about the bias of a positivist, realist, empirical, and rational view of life, including ongoing present experience and upon recollections of the everyday of the past.

The recency bias that arises due to my more rational view have made me mistakenly believe that I can say confidently that what I did throughout the history of my past was right, sufficient, or can be concluded as, "I did my best, so it's fine." This is a bias because the past identity and the present identity cannot be said to overlap easily so as to declare them one and the same in this context. My recent viewpoint has made me desire the rejection of the past and the appreciation of things I enjoyed in the past because I experience things more rationally and prefer the positivist precision of analytical writing as it clarifies, "restores," and documents experiences, knowledge, and ongoing present experience. However, this is also full of holes and highly problematic.

I realized this when I found myself unable to write down my dreams in sufficient, satisfying detail, as if inside me, I knew that precise writing would not answer it, no matter how my academic texts I study. It would only 'destroy' it and turn it into a caricature or a strawman like that in rhetoric. It would prove to be a tool used linguistically for the purpose of advancing a grand-narratively coherent idea, when in reality, it is highly pluralistic and meaningless to assume a total stance upon things that it may be worded or considered by frameworks declared universal, that it may apply an ideal idea that can be considered on various angles or fronts, without the necessitation of weakness or falsehood or any manner of strength imposed upon those who create by themselves limitations from what to them is natural. It is hard to express exactly what I mean, but I hope that with this it can be sufficient in gathering the forethoughts of my arguments, that I may believe in all things, sufficiently, that it is gathered heretofore and without a necessitation of wildest dreams or considerable posturing, that man can be so indebted to his necessity for 'violence' (the destruction of all things meaningfully pluralistic and create upon it the cold, hard rock that demands all upon which to adhere).

If I cannot get myself to write down my dreams, then what of analyzing novels that I've read in the past or my own novels which I've written previously? There is this impenetrable fog that is the reality of my experiences as opposed to the 'realist' view that seeks to sensify things upon a structure, if that may be considered objective and, without all things (pluralism), un-hindered.


June 26, 07:40:14
Feeling Overwhelmed by the Vastness of Recollection


I'm going to go outside, and I'll see a recollection of vast, rich memories. I will see everything, and I will see this greatness before me. I cannot help it. I cannot help it. It is everywhere! I cannot help!


June 26, 07:47:39
Experiencing Conceptual Repetition Even in Academic Texts


I have spent much time thinking about things, and I think I should just rest for a while. I have thought so much about writing, studying, and reflection.

I am still limited, huh.

But first, I know I've said this countless times, but even academic texts have become conceptually repetitive and familiarity. I study from all kinds of fields, and it is interesting to see myself reach this point.


June 26, 08:15:46
Considering the Peak-End Rule for Novel Chapter Endings


Makes me realize that if people remember peaks and endings more and do not care about the duration, it would probably be a good idea to the end of each chapter of a novel satisfying and pleasant.


June 26, 08:19:15
Correcting High School Memory Bias and Applying Peak-End Rule


Yeah, I've had this bias for a while now that my time at high school was horrible, but it was only became bad actually around latter half of the second year, rather than both first and second year.

I was thinking that having the ending of each chapter of a novel be pleasant would make it so that readers are more willing to stay reading, even if the novel itself depicts an unpleasant experience.



June 26, 08:38:13 – June 26, 08:59:49
Recency Bias, the Peak-End Rule, and Journaling to Counteract Neglecting the Past


The Peak-End rule means that I should make the least unpleasant or high-note part at the end of each chapter in the case of a story involving much challenge. 

For two-third of the chapter, the sun fell down, and his entire world fell down. But for final third of the chapter, he found a friend, and he helped him get out, getting his thanks. At the end, he was able to escape, reaching the next stage.

Besides that, I don't know what other application of Peak-End rule applies to me

I find serialized stories that are finished worse than stories that are unfinished and still serializing, because there is this perception of greatest quality coming from most recent or just updated, as if games from today are going to be much more fun to play necessarily. Not only stories and games, but this also includes experiences, memories, ideas, and Youtube videos, where older videos are considered outdated and uninteresting compared to recent ones. Though this is not always the case. I've been reading academic texts from the past, and I find that those from the 19th century are pretty fun to read.

However, when it comes to development, there is this perception that the most recent is the best or only valid one.

There are so many Flash games that are fun on their own right, but people might choose a game that might effectively be the same because it is more recent.

There are so many videos and games that I feel would still be fun if watched or played, but because we "know" the ending or we know that it is not the newest version or newest video, it can feel like we know the entire thing and are hesitant to watch or play them.

For example, I might perceive my present experiences to be the best thing ever, and I might overlook my past experiences because they have already been past. I might choose to go to a mall even if I have gone there before, because in my mind, it will be different because it will be the present rather than the past. This is true in the sense that I change overtime, but there is a risk of neglecting past experiences, knowledge, and viewpoints.

I might end up repeating my life if I'm not careful. This is why I keep a journal, and while it may seem as though everything is still the same, everything has changed since several months ago. I can go to journal entries from months ago and see just how differently I thought. Each period of my life presents a particular focus, and while I may not be able to go back into times where I had little precise and comprehensive documentation as effectively as today with my current journal, I can still use my memories and my analytical writing to make sense of it and put it down into documentation.

[REDACTED]


June 26, 09:21:30 – June 26, 10:32:36
The Frustrating Search for Conceptually Unfamiliar Experiences


I feel weird. 2014 is gone. That was 10 years ago. I'm happy that I grew up, but the only thing I can do to make sense of my life is to write.

Reflecting on the past is hard. When I was there, everything just happened and made sense. Everything I did made sense. But when I look back, everything has changed, and everything is different. The current me would not make the decisions the past me did, even if my memories suggest that everything just happened and everything made sense.

I miss older Roblox, and I miss doing stuff on it. I miss many things, but alas, this is life. I have to move on. The people that I knew are gone, as everyone has changed and is actively trying to move on.

    I can only realize that right now.

I had lots of fun, but it is all gone.

The fact that it ends makes everything suck, but I know that for the entire time I was there, it was lots of fun. But it did suck to be young, to be ignorant, and to be unskilled in many ways. Even I consider my current self still in need of much improvement. What more my past self, who was still a young boy? It really is great to be here and alive and kicking, improving myself. But yeah, there is this feeling that I do want to reflect upon the past nonetheless, even if I was limited in many ways back then.

It is so weird how meaningless or trivial my past creations were. Part of me wishes I was still ignorant to appreciate it, but I guess my past self appreciated them enough. Any more attempt at forcing myself to like them is beating myself up.

I wish I liked them. I still do feel much for it. But I know I would never care for it if it was not for the fact that it was my past. It is because of nostalgia that I bother to look at it at all.

Without nostalgia, it would be meaningless to me. I have seen many older games, not all of which I played. It seems that it was only those older games that I played that matter to me. Memories and nostalgia truly do play a role.

The fact that my past works are now meaningless or trivial to me makes me wonder if what I'm doing now even matters. I mean, my current works, or any fiction work that comes to mind. It makes me wonder that if I am so dismissive or uncaring toward many fiction stories, games, creative projects, and even academic texts because of what I feel to be conceptual repetitiveness, generic, and overfamiliarity, then what about my own works?

yeah, these do not help. I've heard this many, many times. Plus, I feel that you are misunderstanding my point. But go ahead. Please do read what I'm saying and find a practical way for me to solve this beyond just these answers. I understand that you're trying to help, but these answers that you've given me are already within my scope.

Well, there is one way to challenge my beliefs. I can stop reading books altogether! That would challenge my beliefs. Here's the thing. The point of what I am saying is that it does not matter if it challenges my beliefs or not, I still would read it. The problem is that it fits into what I already know conceptually. It is conceptually repetitive and familiar, not that it disagrees with my beliefs, but more so that it is already intellectually overdone in my mind conceptually.

Okay... the problem is that you're doing what is effectively telling me to eat food, when I'm asking you what a car is.

give me something specific that feels tangible, because I'm already doing all of these. I need something that is not conceptually familiar or repetitive.

The issue is that your suggestions are already tried-and-done. But if you can give specifics, that might lead me to something that is conceptually surprising. But I haven't seen anything conceptually surprising recently.

no, I'm already studying books that do this. Anything conceptually surprising, unfamiliar, and unrepetitive?

It's not that I'm not doing anything. I am doing a lot of activities and learning a lot.

But I'm referring to conceptual familiarity and repetition. This is a phase of my life that involves discovering new concepts beyond what I have already made much plans, preparation, and premeditation for.

This is why I'm pushing to the conceptual limits. If I've reached that limit, then I'll stop searching and put energy that had been spent here for a while and place it into the rest of my activities that involve documentation, writing, analysis, studying, and continuing my growth in things with which I am already well-familiar.

Even the idea of radical openness does not help me. Like I said, I need something conceptually surprising, unfamiliar, and unrepetitive. This search is not my entire life. It is only one aspect of my life. So as mentioned earlier, I do have a productive life. It is just that I allocate some energy toward searching for conceptual surprise.

I can easily play a familiar game, watch a familiar anime, or play some good old music with singing and a guitar (though I still learn while playing music). But the point is that there is some energy still spent toward conceptual surprise.

In essence, I'm looking for specific strategies or experiences that can genuinely provide conceptual surprise, even amidst your already productive and varied activities.

It is weird because none of what you're saying signals anything conceptually surprising in my brain.

Maybe the only way to have anything conceptually surprising is to do nothing. Maybe doing nothing for several days would be conceptually surprising. But even this I've done many times before.

It is comfortable to do nothing, and it may have brought me insights in the past. But fasting and meditating is something I've done so many times already.

It is not conceptually new.

I have had a vast rich life.

Give me something conceptually surprising.


June 26, 10:08:36 – June 26, 10:32:04
Playfully Requesting Surprising Local Place Suggestions from AI


hey, give me some new exciting places that would really surprise me. I may not have marked every location I've gone to, but I would really love it if you gave me a list. I can just ignore the ones I've already gone to. Oh, and please make sure you go at least 20 kilometers away. I know that sounds far, but just tell me the time it will take by car, and I might not be so worried about travel time. If 20 kilometers is too long, please make it shorter; maybe 10 kilometers is sufficient, you know? Anyways, it was nice talking to you, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

No, I'm afraid these two places are already well within my understanding. I hope you give me some new places that would be peppy-surprising, hee-hee-hee!

Okay, let me be clear. I don't want anything to do with water. So if you'd be so kind, please give me places that are more air-conditioned because I'm extra-fancy like that, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Any case, hope you don't mind. I would also hope to find something super near nature. I love trees, you know!



June 26, 11:31:00 – June 26, 11:43:17
Challenges in Documenting Player History in Contemporary Roblox RPGs


I can literally go ahead and write down and document about the player history of a Roblox RPG game. However, the limitation of scope is central to the challenges involved. To start, each game on Roblox has its own set of servers, because there is only a limited amount of players that can be in one server before it starts lagging too much. This is why they are separated into multiple servers, sometimes even close to a 100 servers active at one time. Consequently. I can only go into one of these servers, and I would have to be active and looking around at what people do. Another issue is that even when I'm there all day everyday for a month, I will hardly find anything worth documenting, because almost all players will go into the server and do repetitive things. The culture of Roblox has changed drastically since the early 2010s. There is much less role-playing, and the player base is much younger. So one can imagine that an adult is just waiting around for something interesting to note, since by that the first week, they have already written down much about the game itself. So they would hope for anything interesting to happen. The few interactions that do happen are through microphone, and when they are in text, they usually involve surface-level discussions that do not amount much to anything, such as one telling the other about leaving the game and going into another game. If they were to talk about the game, it would be majorly fruitless. This could be compared to old Roblox in-game chatting, but this is even more rare in recent Roblox in 2024. For many, they instead talk through apps like Discord, but that is private.

These are the struggles of writing and documenting the history of the players of an RPG game in Roblox in 2024.

If it was a social Roblox game, that would be much more different. Social games are full of people chatting; however, this is also dependent on the type of documentation intended. It can be easy to read the chat and analyze their tone, style, and manner of speaking. However, studying the player history of a game is so much more than analyzing the chat. In addition, social servers are a problematic choice because they might not be so insular so as to be unique compared to other social servers. The game might only be a static setting, so people might not actively interact with the game itself as one would do in an RPG game. This weakens the study, because it can end up just amounting to documentation of a glorified Discord chatroom.

In real life, social events are much more dynamic and comprehensive in their scope. For one, travelers come from many different places, so they are more studied and learned likely, being people who have needed to travel long distances and likely came there with much experience in life and in communication. In addition, they may be more likely to come in groups, which comes very specifically and insularly compared to that of a digital connection between Discord online friends. Their groups can show their particular shared tastes, culture, and interpersonal complexities and nuances. Besides groups, the travelers also bring their own reasons for coming, their own concerns, and their own departures from their original lifestyles. If the social event is analogous to a camp where people stay at the premises itself, then that adds much variety and comprehensiveness of the numerous, various ways expression, meaning, and culture can develop even in a short amount of time, given the established both the shared regional familiarity, their distinct backgrounds, and their roles within their groups within the people-filled event. The premises will be highly interactable because they need a place and spots to stay and seats for the event, get hungry and sleepy, and need ways to relax and rest. Groups will interact with the environment, and their different dynamics and implicit responses to each other through shared allocated space in the same premises, or within the same shared general area, which could include the outside in the streets and city outside the premises, which means that groups can be temporarily blended with passersby, though to a limited degree because of their likely unfamiliarity with the city or general place. There is more to cover here, but this underscores the weakness of social Roblox games and real-life social events.

This can make RPG Roblox games be considered more appealing then because there could be said to be more interaction with the game compared to social games.


June 26, 11:47:05
Shared Struggle and Time Investment Deepen Real-Life Social Event Immersion


I guess the shared struggle and time it takes for groups to get into the social event can really underscore the immersion, comprehensiveness, complexity, and nuances of these social events in comparison to digital social Roblox games.


June 26, 11:50:28 – June 26, 12:45:45
The Trade-Off: Gaining Stability, Losing the Intense Vastness of Youthful Experience


It is weird that Roblox and Minecraft can be so meaningful because of the memories, excitement, fun, and key moments of friendships made there. I feel nostalgic again damn it.

When I look at an empty Minecraft world through a video and the only thing there is a campfire with music playing, I feel that it is a vast world full of opportunity. It is like I can see mental images that depict this feeling, like a character running around in this Minecraft landscape. It reminds me of what I felt growing up, playing Flash games, reading web novels, watching anime, going to Internet cafes, traveling, heading to social events like camps, seminars, and other types of events, looking at paintings and art, playing video games, writing fiction stories, watching videos, and watching movies, among many others.

I miss this sense of vastness, but I do not feel it as much as I used to. Maybe it's because I've grown up. Or maybe it's because I think I know everything. Or maybe it's because I'm disillusioned. I don't know.

I only feel it when I look at videos that bring up that nostalgic feeling of vastness that I felt a lot growing up. But I did not only feel vastness. I felt fear, pain, and so many positive and negative emotions, much negative though. My life is so much more easier and much more stable. My emotions too. It used to be so challenging growing up. But maybe that was why my life was so rich and vast.

My life used to be so unstable, and that allowed for that feeling of pluralistic vastness. But now that my life makes more sense, is much more stable, and has a more coherent worldview. It is nice to see that I can write with much more clarity, precision, and sanity compared to how my life felt. My life was so immersive growing up, and everything hit me hard like a truck, whether good, bad or even just sitting in a room.

Growing up really was fun, but I don't want to experience the pains, negative emotions, fear, doubt, confusion, and overwhelming vastness anymore. I wanted to be free from it, and I now am free.

I am much more grounded, and I have tempered this past of mine. I have tempered the hell's gates that was my past full of instability and newness every moment. I experienced so many lazy afternoons, but compared to my life now, my life in the past was so difficult and challenging, but also incredibly immersive, fun, experiential, and just full of liveliness, life, and newness.

I've gotten used to academic texts, books, the Internet, knowledge, experiences, writing, music, musical instruments, coding, games, anime, social events, paintings, art, fiction stories, web novels, Internet cafes, Flash games, videos, movies, and all sorts of things. This is a time where all of that is now slowing down.

I heard that many people have their tumultuous experiences in their twenties, but my twenties are pretty stable and grounded in comparison to my formative years.

I guess it is adult-like to fear the sometimes overwhelming vastness of imagination and to be stunned, whipped, and chained by the grounded, positivist, realist, rational, empirical, analytical present.

I used to feel something. I remember well the feeling of adventure.

What has happened to me? I used to cry at seminars, preachings, churches, events, praise and worship music, and Disney movies, among so many others.

I used to feel something and genuinely cry out of sadness or joy as a movie went on.

What happened to me? I remember watching movies like Bambi growing up and feeling something very, very real.

I remember Land Before Time, children's stories, real-life experiences, travels, and many other experiences. I cried and felt something real.

Listening to the orchestral music of Disney movies made me feel something real.

I guess I've now reached a point where these make sense. I do not think they are phenomenal after crying so much growing up. After years of crying and being moved by these experiences and films, it makes sense that at one point, I would learn, grow up, and understand things betters.

Even now, so many memories are coursing through my head, validating my statement that I did feel something growing up. I remember reading web novels and getting immersed in fantasy novels.

I felt something real.

But these have long passed. I have grown up. My memories are vast and rich. But I am stable and still. I used to feel something incredibly real, but my emotional experience is much more tempered and stable today, limited to reflection and nostalgia. However, this also means I can write down precisely and comprehensively without being bogged down by an intense and sensitive emotionality.

But where is that vastness anymore? Where is it? I still see it. I still see the unexplored vastness of those stories, films, and experiences. They were not completed ever.

But I guess that's the point. They left it to my young mind's imagination.

Now I carry this weight of vastness with me today still. I know well the depth of my past experiences.

But I cannot shake the realization that I no longer go crazy when I try to reflect upon the past even, because my emotionality is slowly becoming stable. I remember when I first attempted to remember the past years ago. Even that was highly emotional, sensitive, and overwhelming. But even reflection has become stable overtime, so while it has allowed me to be calm and stable enough to write, I feel that I have lost the intensity of those experiences—a trade-off. I got stability to function, but I lost the instability that made it so rich, vast, and real. However, as mentioned earlier, I can still reflect and be nostalgic, though it does not hit as hard as it used to. And maybe that is better than flailing on the ground begging for the deep emotion to stop overwhelming me that I lose function.

I remember being so sensitive that it could be both very good and bad for me. I was very empathetic, but I could also be very sensitive to certain negative experiences.

Growing up meant much more calmness, stability, and a much more milder emotional response to negative experiences, except when acutely sleep deprived or undergoing chronic pain.

But growing up could also mean that empathy can be much more based on analytical rationality and pragmatism.

I know my limits. I know my triggers. I know my dos and don'ts. These are all good things from growing up.


June 26, 13:37:29 – June 26, 13:58:56
Realizing the Validity of Informal Writing Styles and Escaping Formal Constraints


The following passage is a detailed reflection about Chapter 2 of my webnovel "Forge of Brothers."

'As I looked at our sylvan town, I saw someone familiar coming towards me. “Hi Sam!”, Christie called eagerly, “I have something to tell you!” (Christie is our newest girl-ish girl teammate; her 3rd week, I don’t even know her age). Then I answered once she got closer, “What is it?! A new quest? A new attack?”. Then Christie frowned a bit, “Well, it’s a gift, just look what’s inside”. Then she handed it to me, eager for me to open it, I dropped my book, “A sword, level 18!? Wow, this is really expensive, thanks Chris!”, I said gratefully. “I hate it when you call me that.”, Christie frowned, “Come on, it’s just like you calling me Sam.”, “It’s a boy’s name.”, she sighed, making a face that looked like -_-. “It’s really nice to have you guys back.”, she said slowly and smiled. I said, and smiled “Me too.”, I paused. “Well, thanks for this really cool sword!”, I said as I looked at my sword joyfully, then said,”Okay, I’m going home to wake them up.”. “Bye!”, Christie said as I rushed back home.'

Wait a minute, so the structuring of the foregoing paragraph by the author is not invalid in informal contexts? So it is just a formal choice to structure and organize it with much more focus on making it highly smooth like a well-written essay?

I learned formal writing because I thought that was standard writing, and that it should apply to informal context as well. But I realize that maybe that was all just wrong. If you say that the above-stated paragraph is valid in informal contexts, then what was the point of me learning so much how to write, thinking that formal style with its highly organized and structured paragraphs was the most valid form of good writing and that any other would be a divergence from that standard writing style applicable to any type of context, whether fictional or non-fictional? 

This makes me realize just how limiting my viewpoint was. Ironically, I was fine with surrealist and postmodern writing, because I could trust my essay-writing skills to write clearly if I wanted to and I could trust my imaginative-writing skills to go into vivid, emotionally intense, dream-like depth.

But I thought writing like the above-stated paragraph was invalid in all contexts and forms.

I thought informal writing also demanded highly organized and structured paragraphs like in formal writing. In fact, I made little difference between informal and formal writing, because in my head, what I was learning was standard good writing rather than formal writing.

Ironically, AI language models pointed me to the formal style of high structuring and organizing paragraphs and made me believe that it was standard-good uniform practice in writing, whether fiction or non-fictional. Ironically, again, I did not even like the why AI wrote fiction. So it is strange that I even thought that the above-stated paragraph was invalid.

I see now... I think that makes sense. My recent attempts at going back and trying to continue my older stories was met with a feeling that my current writing style, which has grown much more in formal writing, was incompatible with the story that I wanted to tell through those past writing styles of mine. With this newfound revelation, I realize now this incompatibility meant that my current writing style is not the only valid way to write; that my previous writing styles were likely the intended medium by which I wrote those older stories; and that continuing them using a formal, highly structured and organized, while still powerfully vivid, style is incompatible. So instead of forcing my current medium into those older stories which were written with a particular way of writing in mind, I should use the writing style of those unfinished stories and continue them in this manner.

I was wondering why a comment to one of my serialized novels said something along the words that my writing style was very essay-like. I see now that unintentionally, that was validation of how much better I have become at writing formally and with much more structure, organization, complexity, and precision. However, this also means that I have to recognize that only particular stories can or should be written with a formal writing style and that many stories might demand a particular informal writing style, which will not align with my previous idea of standard-good uniform writing.

It is not that I have not been informal in my fiction and non-fiction writing many times in the past; however, my now-superseded idea limited the scope of my writing, which was both good and bad. I am still happy that I had a phase where I believe that genuinely and that particular paragraphs like the one above-stated was bad, because it meant that I moved in a particular path that learned how to navigate such limitations.

This makes me realize why some poetry books have such "bad" grammar and punctuation.

But it is good that I learned formal writing, else informality becomes a bane of limitation than a choice of art.

[REDACTED]


June 26, 22:46:21 – June 27, 02:18:16
Intensive German Language Learning Session: Keyboard, Grammar, and Practice


Ich bin glücklich! Vielen Dank! 

I have german kezboard how to type y, it switched to z

oh, z and y are swapped in german kezboard

how to type colon

wait how is quotes done in german?

‚A‘

i cannot find it. I can only find ' and "

I tried using an on-screen keyboard, but even with Alt Gr; I do not see the option you stated

explain this word by word: 'Auch wenn ich die Hilfe nicht brauchte, danke.' 

is this correct: 'Ich bin glücklich! Vielen Dank, auch wenn ich die Hilfe nicht brauchte!'

Well, das war was ich war versuche zu sagen zu du. Ich bin glücklich! Vielen Dank, auch wenn ich die Hilfe nicht brauchte!

Oh, I tried literally translating 'That was what I was trying to say to you,' word by word and got 'Das war was ich war versuche zu sagen zu du.'

explain why 'das war was ich war versuche zu sagen zu du.' is wrong, even when it's correct word-by-word

so it would more accurately be 'Das war was ich dir sagen wollte.' or still wrong?

why is ich and dir next to each other? I'm surprised. I do not see any reason for inversion, or is there? Plus, the fact that sagen comes before wollte confuses me.

Okay, let me try using ich and dir again. 'Das war das Beste ich dir wollte für.' I was not sure where to put für, but there my guess is.

so not dir this time, but dich because 'you' is treated like an object using für compared to the last sentence which did not use für nor zu. 

so it is 'what I for you wanted'. So it is object–nominative–preposition–dative pronoun object–verb.

Another likely wrong attempt: 'Was war ich für dich zu ändern wollte.'? 

No I meant to say, 'What I wanted was for you to change.'

That is so far away from my original guess 'Was war ich für dich zu ändern wollte.'

Was ich wollte, war dass du dich änderst. would be 'What I wanted, was that you you to change' transliterally. Why 'du dich'

No I mean why both du and dich together? I understand dich, but why both du and dich?

huh? The original was 'What I wanted was for you to change.' He was not speaking about himself.

does it mean for you to change yourself rather_

Yeah, I mean intransitive change, so veränderst would be the correct version for this?

but why is du and dich still present together? Why the need for what is effectively 'yourself' if it's intransitive change.

okay, so you made a mistake earlier by keeping dich.

This is not too much of a change, so is this correct? 'Was ich wollte, war dass du isst.'

You did not change anything. You have this tendency to correct things that are already correct.

Yeah like I said my original was already correct:  'Was ich wollte, war dass du isst.'

correct? 'Was ich wollte, war dass du spielst.'

is this correct: 'Die Sache ist, dass die Leute tun, was sie tun wollen.'

would not the original German translation be more faithful to the original English sentence 'The thing is that people do what they want to do.' 

Is 'Die Sache ist, dass...' common in German just like 'The thing is...' is in English?

'Die Sache ist, dass ich keine Zeit habe, das Projekt zu beenden.' would translate literally to 'The thing is, that I none time have, the Project to finish.

So I guess my word-by-word German reading skills have gotten better.

So is it normal to write sentences like 'Ich keine Zeit habe.' and 'Ich habe alle Zeit der Welt!'

have is the same as English I guess.

I habe viel zu lange gehasst. I viel zu lange habe gegessen.

what is viel by the way

without viel?

So it effectively means 'far too long' as opposed to just 'too long'

The following are just me testing out sentences: 

Ich habe viel zu lange gehasst. Es war nur eine Frage der Zeit.

Es war nur eine Frage der Zeit, bis alles auseinanderfiel. 



Sehr gut! Hier ist die Übersetzung und Aufschlüsselung deines Satzes:

Dein Satz ist korrekt und gut formuliert. Du hast die deutsche Sprache gut angewendet! Wenn du weitere Sätze hast, die du ausprobieren möchtest, oder wenn du weitere Fragen hast, stehe ich zur Verfügung.

I translated your lines into English, though I Google-translated a portion of the words:

'Very good! Here is the translation and breakdown of your sentence:

Your sentence is correct and well-put. You have the German language well-applied! If you have more sentences, that you want to try, or if you have any questions, I am available.'


experimenting with German sentences again: 'Es war nur eine Frage der Zeit, bis alles auseinanderfiel. Ich habe Fragen über diese Welt. Wenn war die Welt rein, dann, alles wird gut.'

please speak in English now

So these are correct? 'Es war nur eine Frage der Zeit, bis alles auseinanderfiel. Ich habe Fragen über diese Welt. Wenn war die Welt rein, dann, alles wird gut.'

why not 'war' and why 'wäre' instead? is it because it's like English were 'If one were to eat chicken' as in using 'were' in 'if' statements to mean a wishing statement?

'Wenn die Welt rein wäre...' is preposition-nominative-adjective-verb

'...dann wird alles gut sein.' is adverb-auxiliary verb-nominative-adjective-verb

Hot damn. I feel like I'm eating chicken backwards mit diesen Satzstrukturen!

'Mit diesen Satzstrukturen kann ich die Welt beherrschen!'

wieder vs erneut? explain in eNGLISH

Ich teste wieder Deutsch, diesmal mit 'nach': 'Es ist nach einem Huhn.'

I meant to say, 'It is like a chicken.' But I guess 'nach' might be wrong here. I saw 'nach' used to mean 'like' in 'Das klingt nach einem ehrgeizigen Ziel!' So I thought it would work for 'Es ist nach einem Huhn.'

Why does 'Das klingt nach einem ehrgeizigen Ziel!' mean "That sounds 'like'," but it means 'after' in 'Es ist nach einem Huhn.'

is wie more standard and less idiomatic than 'klingt nach'_


- Ich habe dir schon gesagt: 'Sprechen Sie Englisch.'
- Wenn Sie mir antworten, sprechen Sie Englisch.
- Oh, hoppla!
- Ich wollte sagen: 'Es klingt nach einer guten Idee.'
- Ich habe 'einem' dort gelassen.
- Gibt es im Deutschen ein Wort, das 'by the way' bedeutet?
- Ist die Antwort 'Wie auch immer'?
- Wie wäre es mit Folgendem?
- Es ist wie ein Huhn.
- Es ist nach einem Huhn.
- Das klingt nach einem ehrgeizigen Ziel!
- Ich teste wieder Deutsch, diesmal mit 'nach'
- 'Mit diesen Satzstrukturen kann ich die Welt beherrschen!'
- Mit diesen Satzstrukturen!
- Wenn die Welt rein wäre, dann wird alles gut sein.
- Ich habe Fragen über diese Welt.
- Es war nur eine Frage der Zeit, bis alles auseinanderfiel.
- Ich habe viel zu lange gehasst.
- Ich habe viel zu lange gehasst. Ich viel zu lange habe gegessen.
- 'Ich keine Zeit habe.' und 'Ich habe alle Zeit der Welt!'
- 'Die Sache ist, dass ich keine Zeit habe, das Projekt zu beenden.'
- 'Die Sache ist, dass...'
- 'Was ich wollte, war dass du spielst.'
- "Was ich wollte, war dass du isst."
- "Was ich wollte, war dass du veränderst."
- "Das war das Beste, was ich für dich wollte."
- 'Das war was ich dir sagen wollte.'
- "Das war das, was ich dir sagen wollte. Ich bin glücklich! Vielen Dank, auch wenn ich die Hilfe nicht gebraucht habe!"

These are the sentences that I'm learning. This is my next step. I'm guessing these all of these words will bring me much further into conversational German, because of how diverse and numerous the Satzstrukturen are here.

- I already told you: 'Speak English.'
- If you respond to me, speak English.
- Oh, opps!
- I meant to say: 'It sounds like a great idea.'
- I left 'einem' there.
- Is there a word in German that means 'by the way'?
- Is the answer: 'Wie auch immer'? This means 'whatever' or 'however'.
- How about the following?
- It is like a chicken.
- It is after a chicken.
- That sounds like an ambitious goal!
- I am testing German already with 'nach' this time.
- With these sentence structures, I can rule the world.
- With these sentence structures
- If the world were pure, then all will be fine.
- I have questions about the world.
- It was only a matter of time, before everything fell apart.
- I have hated for far too long.
- I have hated for far too long. I have eaten for far too long.
- 'I have no time.' and 'I have all the time in the world!'
- The thing is that I have no time to finish the project.
- 'The thing is that...'
- 'What I wanted for you was to play.'
- "What I wanted for you was to eat."
- "What I wanted for you was to change."
- "That was the best thing I wanted for you."
- 'That was what I wanted to tell you.
- "That was the what I wanted to tell you. I am happy! Thank you, even if I did not need your help."

Let me do a self-test. These are the sentences that I learned today. Let me translate them one by one


Ist das Folgende korrekt? "Ich habe dir schon gesagt: 'Ich kann die Welt beherrschen!'"



Was bedeutet 'man' im Folgenden? '...wie man eine Aussage in Anführungszeichen in einen Satz einbettet.'

Wie sagt man auf Deutsch, 'I'm tired.' 

Ich bin müde. Ich bin es leid, nach fast drei Stunden Deutsch zu lernen.

Es ist wichtig, sich zu entspannen und neue Energie zu tanken.



je nach Kontext.

aber es hängt vom Kontext ab.



Wie sagt man auf Deutsch, 'The world is a horrible place in which to live.'

Bedeutet 'weiter' 'further'?

Deshalb bedeutet 'weiterlernen' 'continue to learn' oder 'further learn'

Aber das ist der Grund. 'Weiter' bedeutet 'further'. Deshalb bedeutet 'weiterlernen' 'continue to learn'.


ist 'warum' das Standardwort für 'why'?


So? 'Warum sind wir hier? Nur um zu leiden?'


'Wieder' und 'wieter' sind sich so ähnlich, dass man sie vergisst.




Okay, I cannot read much of it. is 'als' used like 'As he walked around, he ate chicken.' 

Give me a simpler German children's story with simpler vocabulary while still being somewhat long.



Lena und der verlorene Ball

Lena spielt gerne im Park. Jeden Tag nimmt sie ihren roten Ball mit. Eines Tages rollt der Ball weg.

„Oh nein! Wo ist mein Ball?“ ruft Lena.

Lena sucht überall. Sie schaut unter die Bank. Kein Ball. Sie schaut hinter den Baum. Kein Ball.

„Ich kann meinen Ball nicht finden,“ sagt Lena traurig.

Ein Hund kommt vorbei. Er wedelt mit dem Schwanz. Der Hund sieht Lenas trauriges Gesicht und bellt.

„Wuff, wuff!“

Lena folgt dem Hund. Der Hund führt sie zu einem großen Busch. Lena schaut unter den Busch und findet ihren roten Ball.

„Hurra!“ ruft Lena. „Danke, lieber Hund!“

Der Hund bellt glücklich und wedelt mit dem Schwanz. Lena wirft den Ball. Der Hund rennt und bringt ihn zurück.

Lena und der Hund spielen den ganzen Nachmittag. Sie sind beide sehr glücklich.

Am Ende des Tages sagt Lena: „Du bist mein bester Freund. Komm, wir gehen nach Hause.“

Lena und der Hund gehen zusammen nach Hause. Sie sind müde, aber sehr glücklich.


Let me summarize the story from my understanding. Lena was playing in the park. Everyday she rolled their ball. The ball got lost because it rolled away. Lena searched everywhere. She searched under the bank. No ball. She searched into the tree. No ball. 'I cannot find my ball,' Lina said sadly. I don't read the sentences about the dog much, but I'm guessing that he saw her sadness and barked. Lena went to a big bush. Lena searched under the bush and found the ball. Lena celebrated with a shout. Thank you, Dog. The dog was happy. Lena and the dog played together. They are so happy. At the end of the day, Lena said, 'You are my best friend.' I don't know what she said next, but maybe she said 'we' and 'house'. Lena and the dog went(?) to house. They are tired, but so happy.


June 27, 02:17:34 – June 27, 02:39:28
Reflecting on the Cognitive Shift from German Keyboard Immersion


It's weird that my brain is feeling this shift now that I'm using a German a keyboard and learning German. This is the first time since I've started learning German that I'm typing the actual German words and sentences with umlaut. It feels so different, and I can feel my brain twisting and turning cognitively. I can feel myself learning and creating new neutral pathways, especially since some keys are in so many different places. So I can still type in English, but there is noticeable challenge in typing it out. My brain is growing as a result. Moreover, because of this increased interaction through the German keyboard, I spent a much longer time than previous learning sessions and also felt much more immersed and satisfied after each new word or phrase. It felt more rewarding and like actual progress was being made. My brain remembers it much, much better because I'm taking the time to type the words out letter by letter, which really gets that brain flowing and growing, especially given that it is a new keyboard arrangement. It's weird. I have learned so much that going back to writing and thinking in English feels strange and alien, not that I haven't been using translations. But even while writing this paragraph, I am using the German keyboard. This creates this sense of dissonance that is good for growth in training myself to use the German keyboard skillfully such that I can write in both English in German on it. It will naturally lead to a greater attachment and easier flow with the German learning process.

It is so weird reading English. My brain is automatically translating it to German, even if not perfectly. It's being stuck developing websites, choosing fonts, margins, padding, and all sorts of particulars in CSS, HTML, and Javascript that one's brain is automatically analyzing every billboard, poster, image, restaurant signage font, margins and padding of elements within poster, and positioning of font in poster, among many other elements translatable into CSS, HTML, and Javscript, when I'm outside in the lens of website development, fonts, layout, margin, padding, positioning, and graphics design. This actually happened to me.

It has come to the point, where I am now confusing the letters 'y' and 'z' which are swapped in the German keyboard as the actual correct QWERTY ones. It has only been about four hours, and this is the impact of straight German keyboard and German learning "cold turkey".

The conflict between English and German is likely something that will be compartmentalized with time, because there, of course, needs to be dedicated cold turkey focus in learning a language before it becomes second-nature and lives side-by-side with my mother tongue, English. So for now, while my mind is still getting used to this immersion, there will be some initial conflict once I've returned to writing, reading, and thinking in English after immersing completely in German for four hours. This might end up being an everyday thing. It's crazy, because just now, instead of writing 'English,' I wrote 'German,' as if confusing the two now as if German might have been my main language all this time. It is very weird.

I guess it is healthy to let my brain escape from German for a while. I mean it might actually be good if my entire life was German, as that is how people learn foreign languages in a foreign country faster. However, I think that mastering German will require more than just cold turkey for a year straight. I think it is good and probably healthier only to do cold turkey immersion for four hours every day as opposed to a complete year-long cold turkey as if I'm actually in Germany. Sure, I live at home, do not talk to people much except my family, and have time, space, and resources to go full cold turkey that could last at least a month. But it might be healthier for my brain to maintain a deep connection with writing, reading, and studying in English. Though I am not too familiar with the limitations of this side-by-side practice where I do not go full-turkey immersion and only do it for 4 hours everyday.

Instead of a full cold turkey immersion approach, I can try to maintain a connection that recognizes the complex Satzstrukturen I can write easily in English and how I might generate it side-by-side in German, basically accustoming myself to this German-English side-by-side cognitive-symbiosis. I should not make it so that I am incapable of writing German and English in the same sentence or paragraph. For example, I can easily say 'Warum sind wir hier?' out of the blue while writing. This way there is not this 'ethnic' linguistic segregation and purism in the language structures of my cognition. In essence, I should not be afraid of seeing German and English together, if it means that I do not create linguistic segregation and purism. 



June 27, 02:55:00 – June 27, 06:34:06
Consolidating German Phrases Learned for Focused Review


Das Folgende ist mein current scope of focus in learning German today. Analyze the benefits of learning these phrases as a whole:

- Ich habe dir schon gesagt: 'Sprechen Sie Englisch.'
- Wenn Sie mir antworten, sprechen Sie Englisch.
- Oh, hoppla!
- Ich wollte sagen: 'Es klingt nach einer guten Idee.'
- Ich habe 'einem' dort gelassen.
- Gibt es im Deutschen ein Wort, das 'by the way' bedeutet?
- Ist die Antwort 'Wie auch immer'?
- Wie wäre es mit Folgendem?  
- Es ist wie ein Huhn.
- Es ist nach einem Huhn.
- Das klingt nach einem ehrgeizigen Ziel!
- Ich teste wieder Deutsch, diesmal mit 'nach'
- 'Mit diesen Satzstrukturen kann ich die Welt beherrschen!'
- Mit diesen Satzstrukturen!
- Wenn die Welt rein wäre, dann wird alles gut sein.
- Ich habe Fragen über diese Welt.
- Es war nur eine Frage der Zeit, bis alles auseinanderfiel.
- Ich habe viel zu lange gehasst.
- Ich habe viel zu lange gehasst. Ich viel zu lange habe gegessen.
- 'Ich keine Zeit habe.' und 'Ich habe alle Zeit der Welt!'
- 'Die Sache ist, dass ich keine Zeit habe, das Projekt zu beenden.'
- 'Die Sache ist, dass...'
- 'Was ich wollte, war dass du spielst.'
- "Was ich wollte, war dass du isst."
- "Was ich wollte, war dass du veränderst."
- "Das war das Beste, was ich für dich wollte."
- 'Das war was ich dir sagen wollte.'
- "Das war das, was ich dir sagen wollte. Ich bin glücklich! Vielen Dank, auch wenn ich die Hilfe nicht gebraucht habe!"
- Ist das Folgende korrekt? "Ich habe dir schon gesagt: 'Ich kann die Welt beherrschen!'"
- Was bedeutet 'man' im Folgenden? '...wie man eine Aussage in Anführungszeichen in einen Satz einbettet.'
- Wie sagt man auf Deutsch, 'I'm tired.' 
- Ich bin müde. Ich bin es leid, nach fast drei Stunden Deutsch zu lernen.
- Es ist wichtig, sich zu entspannen und neue Energie zu tanken.
- je nach Kontext.
- aber es hängt vom Kontext ab.
- Wie sagt man auf Deutsch, 'The world is a horrible place in which to live.'
- Bedeutet 'weiter' 'further'?
- Deshalb bedeutet 'weiterlernen' 'continue to learn' oder 'further learn'
- Aber das ist der Grund. 'Weiter' bedeutet 'further'. Deshalb bedeutet 'weiterlernen' 'continue to learn'.
- ist 'warum' das Standardwort für 'why'?
- So? 'Warum sind wir hier? Nur um zu leiden?'
- 'Wieder' und 'wieter' sind sich so ähnlich, dass man sie vergisst.
- 'Ich kann essen, nicht wahr?'  
- 'Ich kann die Welt beherrschen, nicht wahr!'
- "Ich kann Fallstudien für das Problem machen."
- 'Ich habe gemeint zu sagen: "Es ist alright, kleine Miss."'
- im Gegensatz zu
- 'Ich erinnere mich an die Art und Weise, wie es emotional so war.' 
- 'Es war wie nach draußen gehen und die Lunge zerreißen.'
- Wenn meine Augen trocken sind, ist Gähnen meine Lieblingstechnik. Ist das normal?


June 27, 03:31:16 

Assessing German Reading Grade Level of a Sample Sentence


speak in English. what level of German reading grade does this require:
'Dieser Satz ist nützlich, um höflich darum zu bitten, auf Englisch zu sprechen, wenn jemand Deutsch spricht. Es hilft bei der Kommunikation in gemischten Sprachumgebungen.'

what level of German reading grade does this require

I mean this, what reading school grade:
'Dieser Satz ist nützlich, um höflich darum zu bitten, auf Englisch zu sprechen, wenn jemand Deutsch spricht. Es hilft bei der Kommunikation in gemischten Sprachumgebungen.'

high school level (grades 9-12) 

what would amount to a kindergarten level

Great. I can read in German kindergarten. That's so cool, and I guess I learn ten million times faster than kindergarten children. But still, it would be great to read and write at a high school level. Elementary sounds difficult already, considering I cannot even read children's books.



June 27, 05:58:34 – June 27, 05:59:42
Planning to Write German Prose Expressing Game Nostalgia


Can you help me write a German poem because of my feelings of nostalgia for old Flash games vibe and old Roblox and old Roblox games? I'm listening to the soundtrack 'Glorious Morning', which was used in several popular games. It also reminds me of the soundtracks historically played in a particular older Roblox game called "Survive the Disasters". 

Do not write the poem. Just guide me how to write. I can read and write at a kindergarten level of German, but I'm very limited. I want this to be my first step of personalizing and using German to express myself instead of writing down about the particular above-stated nostalgia incredibly precisely, comprehensively, and clearly with English.

Actually, I'll just go for prose instead. Just simple poetic statements.


June 27, 07:31:48 – June 27, 08:00:25
Conflict: Ferocious Creative Ambition vs. the Tempering Effect of Writing


There was a point where I wanted to make sense of things, but I think time has changed. We are no longer the humans we thought we are. You know what, we aren't even the humans we thought we'd ever be. I think there is something about all of this that just should make sense but doesn't.

I want to make animations. I want to say 'wanted' instead because I feel that it's a dream that is drifting away. I don't even know what to say. I have so many memories of many good animated shows and films, and honestly, I have so many sources for creativity. The issue is that it really is not so simple. I feel like everything that I've ever known is being defaced day to day. I think there is this sense that everything is überall and I do not have any idea of what is going to happen next. I can only say 'Okay Jose!' with that go-lucky tonal kick in the voice. I really do not know what will happen next.

So many sources of inspiration from the past. I should be creating so much and appreciating everything in response, but I feel so limited. I feel like I have so much to look back at for inspiration, creativity, passion, motivation, and a sense of grandiosity. However, I feel that time is slowly dulling this feeling. The more that I learn, the more things start making systematic sense, and everything starts coming together in my syntheses, I think there is this feeling that everything is coming together, and even if there is all of this richness and vastness, I see myself a great feeling within me that seeks to contain everything and become the epitome of everything that I've experienced, seen, and gone through everyone that I've ever met and gotten to know. I see so much, and I want to be like the core of everything that I am durch everything–everything that I've ever touched.

It is not only animations. It is everything. I see so much vastness and richness everywhere. I would be fine sitting down and tending to a store as a secretary that writes down as much as I can and documents everything. But I also want to be that customer buying ice cream. I also want to be that person sitting down at the computer and looking out at a vast city. I also want to be that person that is looking at things and seeing wonderful scientific things. I also want to be that person playing music through my guitar and singing, making songs on the spot. I want to be that person who learns 3D animations and goes through the process and synthesizing different Arten von Medien. The ones I mentioned only scratches the surface. I can see a great vastness before me and richness that comes from my past. I can easily do so many things, yet I know that all of this is being dulled overtime. I am being stunned by my documentation which show that despite all my passion, I am highly limited and that even the definitions of life are highly changeable, dynamic, and pluralistic. It is hard to make sense of everything, and I try to ensure that my methodology of documentation and writing and by extension, meaning-making is updated immer. 

The only thing to make me feel stable and calm is writing everything down. I can only reflect upon everything as much as I can, and that also means reflecting upon my limitations. Doing this can keep me rational and calm; however, a part of me still wishes to go beyond these limitations and do all I said I wanted to do. I know it is hard to express everything quickly, so I have to rely on figurative and symbolic language from time and time.

Writing this down tempers me, and there is this sense of "Okay, that's good. I've addressed my emotions, and I'm practically chilling. However, there is this part of me that is like, 'But why though?'" Part of me hates the idea that I'm tempering myself. I know it's immature, but sometimes, it's great to be "irrational" at times. It's awesome not to write formally all the time like I have taught myself to do. It feels great to just full-force and write something that just feels totally real. However, this is beside the point. I am saying that writing, whether formal or informal, can feel like a stun-lock because I have done many things in the past out of a ferocity in my instances of motivation. I remember many times when I got a burst of motivation and energy to create something as a Roblox game developer growing up. It was magical and beautiful. 

So it can feel somewhat like a betrayal that I am using writing as a way to temper myself and do the equivalent of: "Address your emotions in writing and be fine. The end."

I am not saying I should stop writing and be done with it. But I am saying that I should not just write and be done with it. I should write and do so much more, and just writing this passage right now is ironic, because I just said that I was frustrated of the idea of just writing and feeling that after all this time, I can only rely on my precise and comprehensive documentation in order to treat this ferocious ambition of mine. I have to keep stable, calm, and patient, don't I? Else I lose control. I really have to take things in, synthesize, take a deep breath, and conclude what next to do. I am a premeditated person now.

But still, even despite the writing, there is this conflict, and maybe that conflict is healthy. It could be compared to the way the different parts of the body use hormones to "fight" each other in order to ensure that the whole body is healthy, not over- or under-compensating, or doing too little or too much. In the end, maybe this writing thing and the accompanying frustration, as it has been for a while now, is the best thing, even if it does look like this conflict.

Well, it's not that I hate writing. I just feel strongly from time to time that I really need to go and launch myself into space. And I guess that is part of the process that I have intentionally built. It is funny that the mechanics of this system and established framework I've prepared and long built up gradually are actively helping right now, even when I am not immer consciously aware of the fact that I intentionally made it so that this system was like this in order to keep me stable while still being creative. It is weird. I Pavlov-dogged myself in establishment, and upon establishing myself upon it, even when my consciousness of my intentionality fades as I establish and grow upon this self-built foundation, I still benefit off the mechanics which I've only refined overtime, initially intentionally, but later unintentionally and automatically efficient.

It is weird for my body to be a slave to me rather than the other way around. This can be said to fall under one's criteria of self-discipline, self-control, self-will, and a non-addicted mind, even my self-awareness is highly dynamic and is not always aware of the mechanics I've established and refined that when I wake up on succeeding days, I benefit off these mechanics without remembering them actively. So there is this highly managed consciousness that is spread efficiently across days to maximize productivity and wellbeing.


June 27, 08:12:04
Connecting Analytical Academic Skills to Ease of Language Learning


What kind of intelligence is required most for analytical and dialectic academia?

This also extends to language learning, does it not?

It is weird that language learning has gotten easier because I've spent much time reading academic texts, studying them, and writing down detailed reflections, analyses, and synthesis. However, this may likely be a significant factor, but it is not the only cognitive factor. There are numerous underlying factors that might require a much more precise and comprehensive analysis. Anyway, that is beside the point. In conclusion, the above-stated combination of studying academic texts and highly precise, comprehensive, and creative reflections have likely contributed to my newfound ease in language learning.


June 27, 12:38:03
Realization: Drawing "Loosely" as a Path to Improvement


hey, Chippy. How's it going? In any case, just want to say. Why the hell is it that drawing "badly" as in not forcing myself to follow particular lines, shapes, and textures actually the best way to learn how to draw better?

'Loose' is probably the right word, but I'd call it looking for new ways to draw. It's defamiliarization.


June 27, 12:41:29 – June 27, 13:01:25
The Paradoxical Familiarity of the Distant Past


I was looking at something from the past, and I realize that what I felt was not nostalgia or surprise. I saw it, and I was not even thinking much when I clicked on the video that showed something from 12 years ago. I was not surprised or nostalgic.

In fact, weirdly enough, it was familiar, as familiar as me going downstairs and getting a cup of water at home. For some reason, in my brain, it treats things from 12 years ago as if they were still here and familiar. But if I think about it harder and try to imagine what 12 years means, all of a sudden, there is this conflict between the familiarity that I feel and the reality of 12 years. If I did not know it was 12 years immediately, it may have taken longer before the conflict emerged.

It is weird. 2021 feels so long ago. Things from 2012 feel like they're still here.

I feel that 2021 to 2024 might have actually been a time of much growth, particularly in my precise and comprehensive documentation and that could be the reason why it feels long ago because I've had much more time to think about it. Things from 2012 probably lay to me unseen for a decade, so it might have never really fully been synchronized temporally in my head.

I do not remember much from 2012, but I do remember that that time of my life has been largely erased due to the tumultuous and gigantic developments of my particular adolescence. However, 2009 to 2016 is getting much clearer to me the more I look back at actual things from the past with my own eyes using images and videos and such. I really wish I was as good as writing back then as I am now for my past self to write the experiences without changing the experiences whatsoever. That would be impossible though, but yeah, I feel that way.

However, I do remember that when I was growing up, everything was incredibly conscious, immersive, vast, large, and full of complexity, nuance, and unknowns all around me. Just walking down a street was like walking through a giant forest full of mysteries, complexities, nuances, and things that made little sense because of my young mind. That was the vastness.

The thing is that it will not actually be that difficult to write the past anymore today unlike several years ago. I have grown so much and learned so much, so it is much more feasible, doable, and actionable.

However, that is also its own challenge. Knowing that I can easily reflect and pinpoint every single memory of my life with much detail is very challenging. I tried writing down a very detailed physical assessment of the inside of a house that I knew well. That was incredibly challenging.

Now, that was when I first started the autobiography, which was last year. And I've grown much since then.

But even then, even if I've stabilized and calmed down much more that I can confront many past memories unlike several years ago, that does not mean that it'll be smooth and easy confronting the past with much more comprehensiveness and precision than what I've already written in my autobiography-journal.

I may have a very strong memory of the hundreds of people that I've met, the hundreds of experiences, the hundreds of places, and numerous physical descriptions. But that does not mean that it will just be a matter of looking at it and then writing down everything like some lawn mower.

It will be like eating my own hands. Maybe that's over-exaggerating. But it will be like eating my own hands if done in one go. It will be much better if it takes a year at least. If not a year, a few years. If not that, several. If not that, 5 years. Maybe that will be enough. That is a very long time. I've changed much in the last 5 years. So I am sure that the next 5 will be incredibly meaningful and pivotal moving forward, especially now that I'm 21 years old.



June 27, 13:23:25 – June 27, 16:15:08
Detailed Stylistic Analysis and Guideline Creation for 2016 Writing Style


Based on the following narrative excerpt, I can gather certain stylistic "rules" from this author:

Excerpt:
“It’s time! Ahh.” I said to myself gladly while stretching my back. Before leaving, I walked to the town hall to say good-bye, “Oh Samie!” Myia sobbed and tried to impersonate a cute baby. “It’s been really good having you here bro!”, Josh said, as we punched each other’s hands; we called it “adventurer’s fist”. “Let’s meetup again, someday, somehow.”, I told him gladly. “God bless you bro, you totally were a miracle to my adventurer life…Don’t worry, I was fine even without you.”, Josh mocked me. Myia laughed hard, but I looked beaten. I said my “byes” to the town. Before I stepped out of the border, I prayed a short but powerful prayer.



The following are the rules I've gathered.

Firstly, the author is fine with using sentences where the direct quotation comes before the dialogue tag like in the following.

*"It’s time! Ahh." I said to myself gladly while stretching my back.*

Secondly, the author does not use comma with direct quotations as observed in the above-stated sentence example.

Thirdly, the author prefers using present participles in adverbial phrases as seen in the following.

*Before leaving,*

Fourth, the author groups can be observed grouping scenes in one paragraph, including dialogue and actions by different characters, such as the foregoing narrative excerpt.

Fifth, the author has been seen putting comma outside of the direct quotation marks to mark the dialogue tag even if there is already an ending punctuation inside the quotation marks. This is seen in the following.

*"It’s been really good having you here bro!', Josh said,*

*"God bless you bro, you totally were a miracle to my adventurer life…Don’t worry, I was fine even without you.", Josh mocked me.*

*"Let’s meetup again, someday, somehow.", I told him gladly.*

However, he also is not very strict with this preference, as seen in the following.

*"It’s time! Ahh." I said to myself gladly while stretching my back.*

Sixth, the author prefers two-clause sentences, tending to add action beats in the same sentence as the dialogue tag, like in the following.

...*Josh said, as we punched each other’s hands;*

However, there are exceptions, such as in the following.

*I told him gladly.*

Seventh, the author prefers first-person perspective and rarely uses introspective or more omniscient narration.

Eighth, the author has used a comma instead of a period to end the sentence. The following demonstrates this.

*Before leaving, I walked to the town hall to say good-bye, “Oh Samie!” Myia sobbed and tried to impersonate a cute baby.*

However, the following excerpt by the same author changes the rules a lot.

One week later, I woke up to licks and a noxious aroma. I opened my eyes to spot a horse licking my head, I soon realized the “aroma” was “horsey’s” dung. Not the best way to wake up, so I pushed “horsey” away so I could stand up. “Hey Sir Jones, thanks for the stay.”, I was about to leave until my kind instinct kicked in. I left feeling great. “Thank you so much Samuel!”, Jones called. I never realized until nine hours later; “How did he know my name?”, I thought as I entered the gate of  Zion; named after one of the verses of the Bible. I chose the town by the way, so you can blame me. I walked up to town, curious villagers gathering around a cave. “Hey Sam!”, Peter called out to me from the crowd. “Wow, hey Pete!”, I shouted out as he ran desperately to me. “Sam Sam Sam!”, Peter exclaimed, “The cave’s entrance is locked up!”. “Isn’t there town-knights here?”, I asked quickly, Peter declined, “No, what do we do?”. “We better do it then!”, I exclaimed. Meanwhile Timothy and David were running from a horde of cave golems. “It’s nice…to have you back!” David said, paused, and said. Timothy laughed and said, “Talking didn’t work out, let’s try fighting!”, David agreed, “Right!”. Timothy threw two bolas one by one, Even with rare Jarvan bolas; they easily broke free.



As for my analysis of this second excerpt, I declare that rules 1 to 7 still apply. However, there are now nuances that were absent before. To start, rule 5, which declared that commas were placed outside direct quotation marks to mark the dialogue tag even if there was an ending punctuation inside the quotation marks, could be updated.

A more accurate rule 5 would be the following.

Rule 5: The author tends to put commas outside direct quotation marks to mark the dialogue tag even if there was an ending punctuation inside the quotation marks. The placement is not limited to commas, as he has used periods as well. This is observed in the following sentence from the excerpt.

...*Peter declined, “No, what do we do?”.*

...*David agreed, “Right!”.*

To add to this, the author has done the comma placement of Rule 5 even without a dialogue tag. This is evidenced by the following.

*Not the best way to wake up, so I pushed “horsey” away so I could stand up. “Hey Sir Jones, thanks for the stay.”, I was about to leave until my kind instinct kicked in.*

Moreover, a new rule, the ninth rule, could refer to author's preference for semi-colons, as he had used 3 of them in the above-stated paragraph, which is comprised of 237 words. He can be seen using them as a comma and as a period in the foregoing second excerpt.

Returning our focus to the eighth rule that spoke about the use of comma to end a sentence instead of a period, this rule is ever clear as seen in the following from the second excerpt.

*I walked up to town, curious villagers gathering around a cave.*

Furthermore, he has went further with this eight rule, even at times making the first word of the sentence after the comma capitalized, as observed in the following.

*Timothy threw two bolas one by one, Even with rare Jarvan bolas; they easily broke free.*

A new rule, which can be considered minor, is the author's preference for writing nicknames with double quotes and non-capitalized as opposed to capitalizing them. This is seen is the following with 'horsey's' and 'horsey'.

...*I soon realized the “aroma” was “horsey’s” dung. Not the best way to wake up, so I pushed “horsey” away so I could stand up.*

Besides the aforementioned improvements, the author still follows the same rules overall.

Other rules that are not particular to the other include the author's preference for his lack of space between ellipses. (And he uses the actual ellipsis symbol instead of just three periods.) This is seen in the following.

*"God bless you bro, you totally were a miracle to my adventurer life…Don’t worry, I was fine even without you.", Josh mocked me.*

*“It’s nice…to have you back!” David said, paused, and said.*


Understanding My 2016 Writing Style

To explain this post, this post goes into depth with regard to how I wrote back in 2016. I was not satisfied with modernizing and formalizing my writing, because I felt that it ruined the entire feel of the story and how I wrote it. I had a particular style, and my perception has changed regarding older works I've made, whether stories or games. For a long while, I believed that I could modernize my older games and stories, but I see now the value in their cultural characteristics, style, and accompanying limitations. Contributing to this was the incompatibility I experienced while attempting to modernize my older writings with my now-outdated framework, which I view now as rational and objectivist without making room for the pluralist vastness and richness of the past. So this post represents my desire to be more well-rounded in my assessment and continuation of the past, not that of rational, objectivist, presentist removal, but that of respecting the past.

Excerpt 1:
“It’s time! Ahh.” I said to myself gladly while stretching my back. Before leaving, I walked to the town hall to say good-bye, “Oh Samie!” Myia sobbed and tried to impersonate a cute baby. “It’s been really good having you here bro!”, Josh said, as we punched each other’s hands; we called it “adventurer’s fist”. “Let’s meetup again, someday, somehow.”, I told him gladly. “God bless you bro, you totally were a miracle to my adventurer life…Don’t worry, I was fine even without you.”, Josh mocked me. Myia laughed hard, but I looked beaten. I said my “byes” to the town. Before I stepped out of the border, I prayed a short but powerful prayer.

Excerpt 2:

One week later, I woke up to licks and a noxious aroma. I opened my eyes to spot a horse licking my head, I soon realized the “aroma” was “horsey’s” dung. Not the best way to wake up, so I pushed “horsey” away so I could stand up. “Hey Sir Jones, thanks for the stay.”, I was about to leave until my kind instinct kicked in. I left feeling great. “Thank you so much Samuel!”, Jones called. I never realized until nine hours later; “How did he know my name?”, I thought as I entered the gate of  Zion; named after one of the verses of the Bible. I chose the town by the way, so you can blame me. I walked up to town, curious villagers gathering around a cave. “Hey Sam!”, Peter called out to me from the crowd. “Wow, hey Pete!”, I shouted out as he ran desperately to me. “Sam Sam Sam!”, Peter exclaimed, “The cave’s entrance is locked up!”. “Isn’t there town-knights here?”, I asked quickly, Peter declined, “No, what do we do?”. “We better do it then!”, I exclaimed. Meanwhile Timothy and David were running from a horde of cave golems. “It’s nice…to have you back!” David said, paused, and said. Timothy laughed and said, “Talking didn’t work out, let’s try fighting!”, David agreed, “Right!”. Timothy threw two bolas one by one, Even with rare Jarvan bolas; they easily broke free.

Excerpt 3

> *NOTE : I started last month, especially because I had to make sure I got the perfect story. Thanks for checking out!*

* * *

*Peter and me dashed to the left gate toward the woods. I was about to call David, but we would reveal our whereabouts, so we kept on going. I heard footsteps behind us, so we darted to a nearby tree to hide. As it got louder and louder, I readied my sword.*

* * *

As I looked at our sylvan town, I saw someone familiar coming towards me. "Hi Sam!", Christie called eagerly, "I have something to tell you!" (*Christie* is our newest girl-ish girl teammate; her 3rd week, I don't even know her age). Then I answered once she got closer, "What is it?! A new quest? A new attack?". Then Christie frowned a bit, "Well, it's a gift, just look what's inside". Then she handed it to me, eager for me to open it, I dropped my book, "A sword, level 18!? Wow, this is really expensive, thanks Chris!", I said gratefully. "I hate it when you call me that.", Christie frowned, "Come on, it's just like you calling me Sam.", "It's a boy's name.", she sighed, making a face that looked like -\_-. "It's really nice to have you guys back.", she said slowly and smiled. I said, and smiled "Me too.", I paused. "Well, thanks for this really cool sword!", I said as I looked at my sword joyfully, then said,"Okay, I'm going home to wake them up.". "Bye!", Christie said as I rushed back home.

\*THUD\* \*THUD\*, "WAKE UP!", as I knocked on all three doors simultaneously. "GET OUT!", Peter shouted (He's *Peter*, 17 years old, smart in strategy; very grumpy in the morning, the rest; talk-talk-talk), David said, "Wait, Wait, Wait!", (*David*, oldest in the team; 22 years old, known for being "Mr. Grumble", and mostly 'chessy', opps! Sorry Pete! I mean 'Cheesy") Timothy was out on a quest until later at night (*He*'s our youngest brother, draws when alone, creative, 14 years old, A good assassin).  30 minutes later, they got out of their rooms, finally, I almost slept sitting on the chair. 9 in the morning, "Hey guys, ea-", I was interrupted as Timothy called, "Hey everyone! I'm back!", then he noticed me, "Samuel!" he said with a hug. "How did it go?", I asked, Timothy unpacked his things then answered, "Cool! How about you Sam?", "Oh, great to be back!". "Hey everybody, I have something to tell you.". "What?!", We three asked, Timothy got a paper out of his bag, and showed it to us. "Permit to **Rank** **3** quests.", We all congratulated him and thanked *God*, then as we settled down to eat, I asked him excitedly, "So Tim, what's your first quest for **Rank** **3**?". "Oh yeah.", as Timothy got the note out, he warned, "I don't think you'll like this.". "Missbign **Draknok**.", then Peter pointed out (as usual), "For real, wrong spelling?!", Then I shared an obvious idea, "We can help Timmy on his quest.". Timothy looked at me with innocent eyes, so I told Timothy; David's fears, "Don't worry, we'll tell the **Lawkeepers** that you'll have it.", "But!", Peter and David called, Then I nudged them both, "We're totally gonna give all the rewards to Timothy, right guys?!", Peter joked, "Yeah, totally.", but David grumbled, "Give away everything.".

* * *

"Christie, are you there?", I called, then we could hear Christie mumbling 'Help!'. We were alerted so we banged the door, Looking for Christie, but she was nowhere to be seen, "There, they jumped through the window!", David used his **Eagle Vision**. We chased after them, Timothy **shunpo-ed** near them and threw a couple of bolas but he created a **physical shield** around him. David slowed *the* *kidnapper* with a spell, I **amplified** Peter's **strength** as Peter dashed to bat him toward us, then Peter swung so strong that it broke the **physical shield**. *The* *kidnapper* was alarmed, dropping Christie, before teleporting away, *the* *kidnapper* said, "You're getting better, Peter.". "A girl? the whole time? She looked like a boy!", Peter mumbled, "Hey Christie, are you all right?", I asked her, she groaned back.

* * *

As Christie woke up to see the moonlight, she could hear me chatting on my way to her,

"I wasn't even able to use the sword she gave me.". As we saw her open her eyes, "Oh Christie, Are you okay?!", We all asked except Peter; who was mumbling, "Yes, I am okay, why?", "I'm okay, don't worry.", she said softly. "It's just a good thing you guys were there, Thank *God* you went, What were you guys doing there anyway?". "We were umm--- gonna tell you about Timothy's first mission for **Rank 3**, but you don't have to go.", I said sheepishly, "No, its fine, I'm fine--\*silence\*--what's the quest's requests?". "Ha-ha-ha, really funny.", Peter actually laughed after then went back to the quest, "Well Christie, we have to look for the 'Missing **Draknok**'.", she was confused she said "But, that was about a month ago, about the time Janessa first arrived here.". "Why did they bring it up just now?", David asked, not expecting an answer, "Actually, many people have been dared to go, but when they did; they were never seen again.". "When are we gonna leave?", Timothy asked, "We leave early tomorrow at 3 in the morning.", Then David asked, "Aren't the **Draknok** extinct after the thing?". I answered him nervously, "Well, that's what we're gonna find out.", "Well, goodnight everyone! Bye!", Christie called as she dashed away. "Okay, let's go home.", David announced, "Yup, so sleepy.", I said, "Yeah, us too.", Timothy said. As we were going home, Peter argued about not being sleepy, as we reached bed, a series of loud knocks were heard from the door; \*THUD\* \*THUD\* \*THUD\* \*THUD\*.  We all went out to check, I whispered to them to be ready for trouble, as David opened the door, a tall man was there to meet him, then he said sheepishly as he saw us, "I have a message for Timothy.", "That's me.", Timothy said as he went closer, "Here you go--*God* guide you on your quest.", he said with a smile then left. "This is good news!", Timothy exclaimed, then Timothy read it out loud, "After reading this, Please go to your **coach**.You may bring up to five party members, all rewards will be shared unless unwanted by party members, reward for this quest is 2000 **gems**. (NOTE : This is a hard quest for a "**Rank 3** first timer", that's why we suggest you bring David and Samuel as party members.) Rules may change on some occasions, Thank you, *God* guide you on your quest!". When Peter didn't hear his name, he argued, David's face was like, "GEMMSSSS!". "Okay guys, time to sleepppppppp!", I sang.

* * *

*Part 2/2 of Chapter 1*

"It's time to get up maggots!" David shouted with a deep voice, "Heads up!" I shouted with a solder-like voice. "Get ready for battle!" I shouted near Peter, while David just tapped Timothy. Peter's same please-don't-wake-me-up morning routine;

"EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!", I was like "No crying here newbie!", Then Peter suddenly changed state, "Oh yeah, time to leave.". "Peter is so weird." I thought to myself, then Peter was alerted "HEY! I felt someone think I was crazy! Who is it?!", "NOT ME! TOTALLY NOT ME!" David panicked (wait, he panicked?), which made it so obvious. "How dare you mock the almighty PETER!" Peter shouted like a mad monster. David changed subject when he said, "Time to call Christie.".

* * *

"Hey Christie!" I said, "I'm still here!" Christie shouted, giggling, "I was only a little 'bit-ly' worried." I told her with a cheesy grin. "Get ready for the unknown!--or maybe it's just a myth." David mumbled, Peter resisted the "force", "NO! It's not a myth! It's evidential proof!". I'm guessing Christie was like "boys, so weird.", then David said, "Okay, let's go to Janessa to see what she thinks."

"Hi Janessa, Have you heard?", Christie asked her as we closed the door. "What about?", she asked,  (By the way, *Janessa* is our coach. Compared to Christie; she's less girl-ish, more captain-ish, 21 years old) then Peter answered sheepishly (Pete's always been like that to her since we first met her; less than a month ago), "A new quest, Missi-", Janessa interrupted, "Yes, that's our 2nd big quest." (We don't really get big quests, even if you're **Rank 3**, you need to be the town's successors). The door opened, "Janessa? um--", we recognised that voice almost instantly, she was shocked to see us that's for sure. "Tia, wait, it's too late.", Janessa told *the almost-kidnapper* to meet us. She's pretty slim, I guess that's why she's good for her class. "Uhh--Hi, My name is Tia, Janessa's sister.", she said sheepishly. We were 'caught unguarded' there, we dropped the "title" on Tia (*Tia* is Janessa's sister, that's all--for now).


Guideline:

1. The author is fine with using sentences where the direct quotation comes before the dialogue tag like in the following.

*"It’s time! Ahh." I said to myself gladly while stretching my back.*

2. The author does not use comma with direct quotations as observed in the above-stated sentence example.

3. The author prefers using present participles in adverbial phrases as seen in the following.

*Before leaving,*

4. The author groups can be observed grouping scenes in one paragraph, including dialogue and actions by different characters, such as the foregoing narrative excerpt.

5. The author has been seen putting comma outside of the direct quotation marks to mark the dialogue tag even if there is already an ending punctuation inside the quotation marks. This is seen in the following.

*"It’s been really good having you here bro!', Josh said,*

*"God bless you bro, you totally were a miracle to my adventurer life…Don’t worry, I was fine even without you.", Josh mocked me.*

*"Let’s meetup again, someday, somehow.", I told him gladly.*

However, he also is not very strict with this preference, as seen in the following.

*"It’s time! Ahh." I said to myself gladly while stretching my back.*

In addition, the rule 5 placement is not limited to commas, as he has used periods as well, even after a period inside the quotes. This is observed in the following sentence from the excerpt.

...*Peter declined, “No, what do we do?”.*

...*David agreed, “Right!”.*

...*"But, that was about a month ago, about the time Janessa first arrived here.".*

To add to this, the author has done the comma placement of Rule 5 even without a dialogue tag. This is evidenced by the following.

*Not the best way to wake up, so I pushed “horsey” away so I could stand up. “Hey Sir Jones, thanks for the stay.”, I was about to leave until my kind instinct kicked in.*

6. The author prefers two-clause sentences, tending to add action beats in the same sentence as the dialogue tag, like in the following.

...*Josh said, as we punched each other’s hands;*

However, there are exceptions, such as in the following.

*I told him gladly.*

7. The author prefers first-person perspective and rarely uses introspective or more omniscient narration.

8. The author has used a comma instead of a period to end the sentence. The following demonstrates this.

*Before leaving, I walked to the town hall to say good-bye, “Oh Samie!” Myia sobbed and tried to impersonate a cute baby.*

*I walked up to town, curious villagers gathering around a cave.*

Furthermore, he has went further with this eight rule, even at times making the first word of the sentence after the comma capitalized, as observed in the following.

*Timothy threw two bolas one by one, Even with rare Jarvan bolas; they easily broke free.*

9. The author favors semi-colons, as he had used 4 of them in the above-stated paragraph, which is comprised of 352 words. He can be seen using them as a comma and as a period in the following, which include all four semi-colons in the two foregoing excerpts.

*“It’s been really good having you here bro!”, Josh said, as we punched each other’s hands; we called it “adventurer’s fist”.*

*“Thank you so much Samuel!”, Jones called. I never realized until nine hours later; “How did he know my name?”, I thought as I entered the gate of  Zion; named after one of the verses of the Bible.*

*Timothy threw two bolas one by one, Even with rare Jarvan bolas; they easily broke free.*

10. The author has shown that during his first-person narration, the main character can be noticed narrating as if they were explaning to the audience directly. This is seen in the following.

*I thought as I entered the gate of  Zion; named after one of the verses of the Bible. I chose the town by the way, so you can blame me.*

11. The author prefers writing nicknames with double quotes and non-capitalized as opposed to capitalizing them. This is seen is the following with 'horsey's' and 'horsey'.

...*I soon realized the “aroma” was “horsey’s” dung. Not the best way to wake up, so I pushed “horsey” away so I could stand up.*

However, Rule 11 does not apply titles. The following example of this rule is formatted in Markdown code blocks because of the use of bold and italics, which would conflict with my established use of italics to denote a quotation from the narrative excerpt. 

```..."Don't worry, we'll tell the **Lawkeepers** that you'll have it."...```

12. The author favors relatively short (only 201.44 words per average) scenes that are separated each by a horizontal line.

Other rules that are not particular to the author or that are less pivotal include the following.

13. The author has a preference for zero spaces between ellipses. Additionally, he uses the actual ellipsis symbol instead of just three periods.) This is seen in the following.

*"God bless you bro, you totally were a miracle to my adventurer life…Don’t worry, I was fine even without you.", Josh mocked me.*

*“It’s nice…to have you back!” David said, paused, and said.*

14. The author uses bold and italicized text frequently, especially for spell names, magic, or attack names, except for unnamed projectiles and weapons. The following examples of this rule are in Markdown code blocks to avoid conflict.

```...*David used his **Eagle Vision**. We chased after them, Timothy **shunpo-ed** near them and threw a couple of bolas but he created a **physical shield** around him.*```

```*The* *kidnapper* was alarmed, dropping Christie, before teleporting away, *the* *kidnapper* said, "You're getting better, Peter.".```

15. The author uses parenthesis a lot, and they are often very free-flowing and much more loose grammar-wise. This is evinced by the following, the first two of which also uses Markdown code blocks.

```...(*David*, oldest in the team; 22 years old, known for being "Mr. Grumble", and mostly 'chessy', opps! Sorry Pete! I mean 'Cheesy")...```

```Timothy was out on a quest until later at night (*He's* our youngest brother, draws when alone, creative, 14 years old, A good assassin).```

...*then Peter pointed out (as usual)*...

16. The author uses emoticons. This is seen in the following.

*"I hate it when you call me that.", Christie frowned, "Come on, it's just like you calling me Sam.", "It's a boy's name.", she sighed, making a face that looked like -_-.*

17. The author writes flash forward scenes at the start of chapters, italicizing the entire text of these scenes. This is seen in the following.

```*Peter and me dashed to the left gate toward the woods. I was about to call David, but we would reveal our whereabouts, so we kept on going. I heard footsteps behind us, so we darted to a nearby tree to hide. As it got louder and louder, I readied my sword.*```

Other much more minor style rules include the following. 

18. Words being cut off partially as opposed to being cut off after the full word is spelled, with a hyphen instead of an em dash.

..."Hey guys, ea-"...

...*"A new quest, Missi-"*...

19. The use of "?!"

*"HEY! I felt someone think I was crazy! Who is it?!"*...

20. All-caps for emphasis.

*EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*

21. Repetition of letters 

*David's face was like, "GEMMSSSS!". "Okay guys, time to sleepppppppp!", I sang.*

22. The spelling out of a whole phrase as a hyphenated adjective

...*please-don't-wake-me-up morning routine*...

23. The use of "like" to denote indirect speech that is styled as if direct and without capitalization 

*I'm guessing Christie was like "boys, so weird."*

24. The use of "--" or "---" to denote an em dash or ellipsis

*"We were umm--- gonna tell you about Timothy's first mission for Rank 3, but you don't have to go."*...

```"No, its fine, I'm fine--*silence*--what's the quest's requests?".```

25. The use of onomatopoeia (formatted as \*THUD\* with asterisks)

```\*THUD\* \*THUD\*, "WAKE UP!"...```

```As we were going home, Peter argued about not being sleepy, as we reached bed, a series of loud knocks were heard from the door; \*THUD\* \*THUD\* \*THUD\* \*THUD\*.```


June 27, 22:29:40 – June 27, 23:24:27
Reflecting on the Success and Implications of Self-Analyzing Past Writing Style


You know what is insane. I made a deep analysis of my writing style back in 2016. That is insane. I cannot believe that is even possible. This is the first time that I've done a writing style analysis that goes into depth when it comes to particular standard rules and personal stylistic rules that I followed in that time.

I thought writing style analyses were impossible, but they are not. Now, to give a more rational look, the analysis only goes into how I write, but not necessarily what they mean. However, I think it will be highly context-dependent.

The only concern is that when it comes to my future writing styles, they adhere more to standard rules of writing, even in informal contexts. This means that the concern will be less on how they are punctuated and structured in a non-standard and stylistic way, and more so upon stylistic characters that are much less apparent in my future more standard writing styles. Though when I say, "more standard," they are still very much stylistic and can be observed to have oddities. My 2019 writing style, while it can be said to be much standard and thus substantially accessible, is also lexically flavorful in a stylistic way.


June 27, 23:01:08
The 'Neuman's (Claudia Doumit)' Standard: Parenthetical Actor Clarity Despite Possessive Form


Is this standard writing, where even if the character name is referred with "'s", they are still treated as if they are the full name: "Neuman's (Claudia Doumit)" 

I mean, in this case, where they are told narratively but are still wanted to be formatted with their actor name:
Butcher (Karl Urban) and Mother's Milk (Laz Alonso) pay a visit to Stan Edgar (Giancarlo Esposito) in prison, with the hope to strike a deal and team up to get their hands on Neuman's (Claudia Doumit) virus.

What I'm saying is that is it clear enough that even if the name is used with "'s" in the sentence, is it clear to denote their actor name nonetheless with parenthesis. 

so even if it is possessive form, it is still okay and can be treated as if it is not possessive form

"So, Peter's (the guy we hired for the Delats mission) job is to entertain the guests."

For years, I've never really seen people raise that concern, and I've never asked it either until now. It makes sense that it would still work. However, I was careful regarding using it and often found alternate ways to get the same idea. But it is great to know that I can use it this way.


June 27, 23:10:42 – June 27, 23:10:53
Seeking a More Precise Term for Stylistic Vocabulary Choices Beyond "Lexical"


adjective that means referring to vocabulary, as in 'canine' for 'dog'

specifically regarding the sum or stock of words used by a person, a group, of a field of research 

hmm, you're right, lexical is a standard word that means that.

I was hoping for something like vocabularic

it is saddening that the word "vocabulary", "lexicon", and "lexical" do get across what I mean specifically. I feel that I might use a phrase like "the particular choice of words that in particular, define a specific idea that would otherwise be undiscovered without their stylistic synthesis."

I'm saying that I'll use that phrase instead of vocabulary, lexicon, and lexical because they just feel so weak and almost alien in comparison to what I actually mean


June 28, 00:36:42
Appreciation for Homemade Crunchy-Edged Eggs


I have never written down about this in my life, but I love when eggs are cooked so that they're crunchy around the edges.

I only see them at home. I do not think people like that look in restaurants, given that most of the eggs I've seen are made to look symmetrical or at least not crunchy around the edges because maybe it implies clumsines.

I honestly do not like circular-shaped sunny-side-up eggs because it does not look yummy to me. I don't know why food look bad if they're too symmetrical. Maybe because it makes it seem limited or trimmed as opposed to lavish and ravenous.

I'm a functional eater, but it would be nice to care about cooking in a more sophisticated way, though I've rarely cared about or hungered for "sophisticated" food. I still eat like a kid, which means it tastes good even if it's a simple home-made dish.


June 28, 00:52:15 – June 28, 00:56:08
Amusement at the "BLEW A 13 COLONY LEAD" Meme


It is so funny that someone made this connection. The term "blow a lead" means that they wasted a winning advantage. They use it in cases like "blow a 7 kill lead" or "blow a 4k gold lead" in League of Legends. So when someone says, "BLEW A 13 COLONY LEAD", they are referring both to "blow a lead" and to Britain losing America to independence after getting a winning advantage with 13 colonies.


June 28, 03:49:36
Reflecting on the Ubiquitous "I Was Here" Message


I realized that people in the past until now have written down the words "I was here". It makes me want to make a segment in each of my websites that basically serves as a kind-of memory of history of familiar things like the shard feeling of wanting to be remembered and that of boredom.


June 28, 10:05:14
A Strange Feeling Accompanying Progress in Writing and Documentation


There is this weird feeling in my heart as I write. The more that I spend my time writing, the more I got this strange feeling. The more that I create, the more that I write down. The more that I document, the more that I get better. The more that I improve, the more that I make sense of my life. The more everything comes together, the more things start to feel strange.


June 28, 10:15:01
Observing Water's Effect on Paper as an Analogy for Geological Erosion


After I saw the folded paper that I used to keep the feet of my table even and steady get wet, I realized why water is a powerful erosive force in nature in geology. It transforms the very size, mass, and behavior of the material.


June 28, 15:28:41
Solving Air Conditioner Leakage by Cleaning the Filter Mesh


is it true that when the mesh for the aircon is not cleaned, it will start to leak water

I cleaned the mesh after many months, and I think I solved to the sudden leaking that transpired yesterday. It looked to be permanent, given how turning off the aircon temporarily did not decrease the leakage. However, after doing a deep clean of the filter mesh , it is now solved.


June 28, 15:37:16 – June 28, 15:40:11
Poetic Musings on a Cruel World and Endurance


The world is a cruel place to live, and that is a true case. That is the epitome of all things real, and I hope not that it be true that a human exists as real as that. Let it be known unto the people that there be foes of all kinds and shapes. That that is the truth is a hard truth to swallow. Let all those who have swim in swampy times that they might, that they wilt move past all the walls and become as beautiful as French bread.

Show me what it is like to be a dog.


June 28, 15:46:13 – June 28, 15:47:40
Utilizing Dedicated Websites for Enhanced Readability of Analyses


I'm literally making dedicated websites for each different section or focus. I make a dedicated website for an analysis of my writing style, because the dedicated website actually helps because analyzing writing style can be hard to read if it's just markdown or plain text. So the dedicated website is so much more readable and engaging.

Well, more accurately, I've only made one actual one that looks actually dedicated and long-lasting.

I did make a dedicated website for my journaling before this, but since it was my first website in a long time, it was pretty scuffed. I made the second website, the writing style analysis, with the help of AI, so it was much faster. But it was still somewhat tricky to get certain parts to work. But seeing the final result happen relatively quickly within only the scope of two days really makes it all worth it.


June 29, 00:39:28
Recognizing 2017-2019 as Years of Significant, Messy Change and Learning


I can see very well the distinction between me in early 2017 in February and when I went to school in Summer 2017. It may not have been immediate, as in 2017, I was still relatively normal. However, it did signify a shift in my entire life as I knew it. 2017 to 2019 were very particular years that offered a lot of changes. I honestly hated these years because of my messy they felt; however, I did learn a lot in the process. They were not necessarily messy, but because of how vast and rich 2017 to 2019 were, it can feel like a mess when looking back.


June 29, 06:05:50
Brainstorming Future Website Projects and Development Strategy


What are some good ideas for websites? I have made several websites already with different layouts. I've made an infinite scroll one for my journal; though I feel I might want to make multiple designs because it did not really impress me, even if the optimization is great. Changing its design will be very easy if it's only a matter of varying the core infinite scroll design, but if it involves a different focus or scope with a different layout and presentation, then that will not be the original idea anymore. At that point, that is the reason I made several other websites. I made another website that perfectly matched the vibe and presentation I was going for; though in regard to whether it has really hit the mark, only time will tell, as it will 100 created sites at least before I can be sure that my website assessment skills are at their stylistic best. In any case, that is not a matter of objectivity, so that is a lateral concern. In any case, this second website involved an analysis of my writing style in 2016. So it was definitely a focused website that worked well for its content material and scope. With that said, besides these two websites, I also created a third website, which was sufficinet, but it looked like it would get old fast, because the design did not feel complementary in a functional way. The layout might not be the best for the content material. So now that I've created these websites and have perused though many different designs such as those found in Wordpress, Hugo, Jekyll, Weebly, and many other sites that offered a look into the different variations a website can take depending on its content material and stylistic scope.

Moving forward to the present, with me having noted all of these down in this journal, I am thinking of experimenting before writing down a framework or a brainstorming structure just yet. Basically, I will make websites and see how it does and how it makes me feel with the help of an AI language model. After several more sites, let us see how far I can take this before my mind develops a better intuition for the particulars beyond just the final product that I often see displayed in demos.


June 29, 06:14:12 – June 29, 06:26:52
Prompting AI for a Muted, Earth-Toned Grid Website Concept


create a large website that shows content in zero-gap rectangles that symmetrically fit into the webpage. Each rectangle offers the title of a post. Clicking either of these goes into their respective single post pages. I want a crocodile-green, muted tone like dirt-brown earth, humbly-muted greens, and a sense of muted vastness, warmth, and richness that would otherwise be too surface-level, plastic, and lifeless with corporate, modern, minimalistic sites. Each rectangle is like a briefcase that opens with a nice-animation, before the user is asked with a modal if they want to go into another page. The modal has a yes and a no, and it asks whether the user wants to go into the page that the rectangle leads to. The title of the post attached to the rectangle is shown at the top side of this model in large dark-brown text, which contrasts the army-like greenish yellow color of the background of the modal. Below the title lies the more muted colored trimmed content inviting the user subtly. This trimmed content is between the title and the yes and no buttons in the title. The yes and no are on left and right side at the bottom, while the title and content are aligned horizontally in the middle. The foregoing army-like greenish yellow color and the dark-brown text will be the two primary colors of the page. The rectangles need to have a metallic-colored gray border. The single post page will be a classic middle-oriented look for the entire content. There is a back button on the left side next to the top side of the post. There is much space between the top of the post div and the top of the page. Use rounded corners for the modals.

No gaps between rectangles, don't make rectangles round-cornered. Only the modals are round-cornered. Use rgb(26, 28, 24) for primary background color and rgb(208, 207, 205) for primary text color. Use rgb(116, 127, 90) for primary theme highlight color. Make it much more textured, immersive, relaxed, and make sure that it feels symmetrically shaped.

When I said no gaps between rectangles. I also mean no gaps between rectangles and walls and ceilings.


June 29, 06:31:30
Prompting AI for an Immersive, Fantasy-Themed Long-Form Reading Website


Create a long-form book reading website for one single piece of long text that covers the entire manuscript written in markdown. Do not make the actual story. Just put a very short example, because I will be the one to put it in. Make the webpage grandiose, fabulous, immersive, isekai, fantasy, decorated, stylistic, verdant, forest, dynamic, homely, interactive,  soothing, slice of life, and like a quiet, remote cafe.


June 29, 07:10:12
Considering the Optimal Format: Websites vs. PDFs for Different Content


what would be the best site? I'm running out of ideas. The thing about web development is that it is not that hard to make a static webpage. Designing it is also not that hard with the help of AI language models. There are things that websites can specialize in that make it easier to communicate particular content material. However, there are others where websites are bad and a PDF is ten million times better.

For example, websites offer extra customization and formatting and opportunities for multimedia that would be otherwise impossible or downright impractical in PDFs alone. Duolingo is one example of a website that is also a mobile app that uses multimedia that would be impossible with PDFs alone.

I'm thinking of making a website that has all my text documents from fiction writing in a particular category, but maybe it would be a better idea just to have them in a basic Wordpress website. Though the issue about this is that it bothers me to make a dedicated website that is simple. I can easily and have created websites that already carry all my text documents of different kinds, serving as a place to see all my text documents on many various topics. And it is also made for accessibility and ease. 

However, when it comes to websites that cover a particular dedicated scope, there is a desire to make it more than just accessible and easy to use, because it is not holding eclectic content. It is holding content that has a very particular idea, style, and feel in mind.


June 29, 08:32:49 – June 29, 09:01:37
Outlining Current Methodologies for Documentation and Sense-Making


You know... it's a really weird thing to say this, but I guess 10 years have passed since 2014. I am remembering more and more things from the past by random encounters with them or with something that reminds me of them. I do not get deja vu. I get reminders and experience things that remind me of the past.

I have three dreams right now in my mind that I have not written down. In fact, I have not been writing down my dreams for the whole month of June and even before that even if I have had a dream almost everyday.

I can easily write down everything, but it is not so easy. It is easy to say it, but with everything that is going on, I spend most of my time learning.

Yeah, I spent most of my time learning, but that does not mean I will write down and address everything.

I will not be able to feel the vibe of a particular video while also feeling the particular unique vibe of a thousand other videos, because I have a limited set of choices everyday.

I can only choose what I remember, and I can only choose a few.

This is the challenge of the everyday; however, that also means that I can focus and spent my time learning a particular thing.

Though, that also creates much need for a systematic, explicitly written process, and that is what I have spent much time doing.

I cannot always write, and I cannot always read. I mean this just like I meant regarding the limitations of remembering videos and limitation of having only a set of videos to watch in the limited scope of an entire day.

I am very limited. And I even have to engage in self-care, which means that it is okay for me to watch things that allow me to rest and bring my attention for a moment if it means that engaging in new, challenging activities does not stress me out.

I have to engage in so many new things everyday that it is crazy. This is my life now. I am being tested by the vastness and richness of my past. I have so much to write down about, and despite saying that 2024 would be a much more coherent, explicit, precise, and comprehensive year for my journal, I have spent most of my time only mentioning many things, but not necessarily going into depth into everything. Furthermore, for much of the past month or two, I have spent much time delving into methodology and how I might write down, archive, put on a website, and organize my entire content, primarily digital but also physical, majorly in relation with the foregoing autobiography-journal; among other facets of this entirety.

Let me go into depth with my methodology.

Writing is central among my primary methods of documentation, but I also record myself talking with my phone camera for 30 to 60 minutes and use AI language models to secure a clearer bounce-back understanding of my writing and by extension, every concern that can be contained within a written format. Recently, my writing has, in many days, been a feat of immersion, as observed in a previous period of 17 days, which ended in June 14, when I wrote 100,000 words. That amounts to an average of 5882.35294 words per day.

Another primary method of documentation is website development, which is still in the process of synthesis with previous websites that I have made and in terms of engagement with many kinds of websites by others on the Internet from the past to the present day. In short, website development as a form of documentation and communication can be tagged as "Synthesizing".

Besides website development, I have also been in the process of training and synthesizing my musical abilities: singing, dancing, playing piano, cajon, recorder, violin, and fingerstyle guitar, and making songs on the spot particularly with singing and guitar as a "power-chord" or basic-chord strumming accompaniment. This is not yet digitized in the sense that despite having much past experience in recording myself on video, it is not yet digitized to the point that it is systematic and immediately accessible. I remain synthesizing everything that I have learned over the years through writing that I might ensure that everything that I have learned and experience with regard to my musical abilities is one complete whole. More than that, I do engage with them directly regularly.

I have also spent much time using Youtube as a way to isolate myself and compartmentalize my behavior, my different focuses, and the details included in each activity, memory strand, or field or "rabbit hole". This "normalizes" some of my behavior by introducing a wide-spread supplement to what would have been more distracted or isolated in regard to the style and mode of synthesis.

However, besides Youtube, reading academic texts has also served as a way to interpret everything that has happened to me in a way that is inescapable from my detailed written reflections. So it can be considered symbiotic with my journaling in that they both carry into written synthesis. However, they are not analogous and contextually interconnected; as academic texts are separate from my being. Writing can be considered closer to my being, but it also covers up swathes of land of my memories. It is like setting up towers in a vast, rich land that is too comprehensive and rich to contain as a whole, but in hopes of summarizing different aspects of it to guide myself, writing is like setting up towers of light in a greatness of a vastness that cannot be so easily explored without a systematic form of methodological inspection, management, and center of activities or operations.

This covers only the overview of each of these methodologies, so the sophisticated and high level of systematic, eclectic assessment, inspection, appreciation, recognition, and asymmetric or non-linear development of writing is barely explored.

There is also a big reason why I would never record and document everything. For one, the complexity, vastness, richness, comprehensiveness, and precision required to create meaning out of data through organization, synthesis, deconstruction, reusing and recycling, extrapolation, modularization, and interpretation is gigantic. So, for years, I have opted many times to avoid recording myself, most notably in respect to songs I've made on the spot. I have made hundreds of songs, but many of them have been left to be forgotten, only to influence or serve as a building block to my current level of skill. This is a microcosm of the issue, but it is essentially systematic. Based on my experience, in a system, there is always going to be a need to organize things even at the cost of a current stability. There are multi-lateral instances of stability from which to choose, so in the need to organize, one moves through these instances in hopes of organizing for the sake of optimal precision and comprehensiveness. This relates to consciousness and the way the psychology of a person handles and responds to sleep and the need for a day to end for another day to begin within the mind that discriminates between days, data, and all manner of sensual experience.

With that said, there are always caveats to be made.


June 29, 09:04:54
Questioning the Utility of Mind Maps for Deep Document Comprehension


By the way, I was wondering why people use mind maps? It feels like a way to visualize keywords rather than an actual nuanced way to appreciate and assess the entirety of a 200,000-word document with prescriptive ease.


June 29, 09:12:51
Accepting the Inherent Limitations of Writing as Representation


The reason why writing has only been an issue for me is that even with everything written, there is always going to be a sense that it does not cover the entirety of a scope, context, experience, or knowledge. Even with written reflection and a high level of precision and comprehensive, there is always going to be the sense that it is a mere summary of my experiences, a written manual to a world full of complexities and nuances. One can know something but not necessarily know it actively all the time everyday long and analytically enough that it is known-knowledge, but rather knowledge kept as a mere forgettable, forgotten painting on the wall. It is a mere piece of decor.

However, writing is the closest I can think of to generating a precise and comprehensive approximation of my past, knowledge, and experiences. Yet, knowing the limitation of writing allows me to be even more creative, lateral, and non-restrictive with the way I process and sense-make information.


June 29, 09:17:45 – June 29, 09:29:07
The Cycle of Full Experience, Familiarity, and Returning Appreciation


It is weird to experience things in full and then stop and walk away once it goes below the threshold of fullness that every time one experiences that particular thing, it is always in full. As a result, there is this nostalgia for it that occurs once a significant time and distance has passed and the fullness can be received again, before being forgotten and left behind when slightly below the threshold, before being available or of fullness again later, by which point it sends out an invitation yet again. Life is like that.

They are only special as much as we are given time to appreciate them until they have fallen below the threshold and have become unappreciatively familiar. So, it is in that sense that we live our lives and go about everything, whether that of a person, an idea, or experience.

It is like when I first drank non-powdered milk from a carton. It was this brand called "Cowhead," and I thought it was the most luxurious thing in the world, especially given that I drank it then likely for the first time and drank it at my relatively more luxurious cousin's mansion-like house at the time. However, recently, I have been drinking so much more milk from cartons, particulary because my mother and sister have been selling coffee and needing the milk for it. So I started drinking more milk and enjoyed it. Even now, I still think it tastes good; however, even if it tastes good, it does not have that worldview-changing moment as much as it used to. I do get a slight sense of novelty when I drink a new brand of milk with a different taste. But besides that, it tastes good merely, without any additional immersive world-view changing awe and wonder.

I feel that these shifts both bring much growth and entail much loss. I had to cut many parts of myself out metaphorically in order to grow and move on. I had to do so much in order to ensure that I could function and engage in activities that would change my life. I have learned and improved much because of time, space, and resources and because I had nowhere else to go and nothing else to do but move forward, even at the cost of the different versions of myself that I used to be.

It is weird that despite spending much time talking about very "sophisticated" or esoteric things that only someone who has spent much time engaged in them would understand, I still talk about normal things like the challenges of personal growth. It is highly generic in that sense, but it is a key feature of being human.

It is strange, because I know full well that I have had these conversations many times. But it is contextually different every time, despite the seeming syntactic sameness. Every experience had led to much growth in my thinking and ability to make sense of otherwise chaotically complex and confusingly nuanced data (intellectual, sensual, and experiential).


June 29, 11:01:55 – June 29, 11:38:16
Human Cognition, AI Limits, and the Blinders of Finite Attention


It is also AI language models that helped me realize that language is ever and truly limited, and no matter how much sense I can write precisely and comprehensively, it will never truly match reality. That is the truth.

We know only as much as they are within our conscious attention. Someone who has spent years of life experiencing many vast and rich experiences and knowledge can be, in a way, very limited in their understanding such that one may call them as dumb as a toddler. The reason for this is because we only know as much as we give attention to. Our memories are kept within our minds, and like AI language models, we know a lot. However, this knowing is not the same active application and realization of that knowledge. It is like knowing about Antarctica, but not really doing anything crazy with that information. That knowledge definitely affects us much; however, it is still highly dubious to say that Antarctica is within our grasp such that people can experience us through a large database of hundreds of thousands of words written by us that we might see that knowledge of Antarctica and its various cultural influences and ties throughout time in media, in personal experiences, and in evolving perception reified and realized in response.

The limitation observed in AI language models is a key hint of our own limitations with language, with knowledge, and even with sensory experiences and rational thoughts limited to the conscious head without the aid of highly comprehensive and precise explicit representations such as a 10-million-word database full of the histories of our highly detailed responses and reactions to each piece of complex experience and knowledge.

This is also observed with people who are good at the Google Maps game "Geoguessr", where players identify where a random street view from Google Streets is located. They are only as effective as within the scope and limitation of the character of Google Streets and how the street views are collected and conducted methodologically. I have seen many videos of players who are proficient at Geoguessr knowing the locations based off key signs that are relevant to the place but also based off elements that rely upon the particular limitations of the methodology of the street view collection, such as the fact that street view pictures of Hungary during Winter were not as appealing because it was taken when the trees were weak-looking and faint: such that the Geoguessr Youtuber "Rainbolt" was able to tell that it was Hungary, resting his assessment more so on methodological limitations rather than empirical reality.

Humans are very limited by the knowledge that occupied their mind at a particular mind, even with the greatness of their knowledge. Even with the great accumulation of data on Google Streets, it is still methodologically limited, and that is not the fault of the methodology but on the limitations superiorly posed by the current time, space, resources, and technology available at the time. It is still impossible to have an entire "one-to-one" simulation of Earth.

So humans can try their hardest at writing down and putting together large databases of knowledge, both qualitative and quantitative, both encompassing those based on empiricism, those based on logical reasoning, and those based on other epistemological avenues.

It is not just the limitations of method, but, returning to the principal subject mentioned earlier, also the limitation of the human cognition, as it seeks to know and, yet in that gigantic accumulation of vastness and richness of experiences and knowledge, even though he might precisely and comprehensively document them, is still highly limited by what his attention is capable of receiving at any given moment, such that his entire cognition of practicality, of logical reasoning, and even of epistemological origination is based upon this very nature. If he can so much as extend his consciousness or method of epistemology across several days through his documentation and his self-directed flexibility of cues and established preparations and habit-making, he will do so in hopes of gaining clarity beyond what his attention is capable of initially without this. However, even with all of this, to repeat myself, all of it falls down to the necessity of knowledge as one being managed by finite attention, whether it be syntactically extended through language or artificially extended through recorded knowledge or expression.

It is also something I've learned from horror scenes in film regarding the nature of memory in the context of dementia and Alzheimer's disease. It is an inevitable truth, though one originating from the experiences of family members viewing individuals suffering from such diseases, that people are only as much as they are capable of remembering or attending cognitively, whether that in a healthy or sickly individual.

For many, memory loss in this severe case is symbolic of the limited capacity of the human cognition to gain more than what he ought. He gained much, by which point he may realize that he is bounded to the engagement and desire to delve deeper in that in the pursuit of greater understanding, he ignores many others which he desires altogether, in hopes that he reaches a point of culmination, but in the process, losing attention to those whereof he might once have shared a single-minded hopeful admiration. It is a temporary process for each specific area to be neglected in pursuit of a particular chosen set for a particular day or span of time. But the nature of this focusing and ignoring others is consistent and long-standing, even if the areas being dealt with change.

The idea of enjoying something at the expense of others, that he might die for the very joys of it is something that has been explored in fiction many times. The idea of an ambitious man turned wild that he might never control his impulses and reach only a strand of thought comparable to a political, cultural revolution, if he might so, to great lengths, create himself again and again within such a cognitive bias of singular-minded selfhood and self-ideation, or 'selfication,' is a long-tried concept. He creates again and again within his limited framework or this ever-complexifying folds of the same paper that he might perceive in himself a sense of change while maintaining the delusion of contradistinction, even if, all this time, he had only been playing with himself, like the protagonist of the second episode "Playtest" from the third season of the TV show "Black Mirror." For context, the protagonist experiences a very long and horrific time when only 40 milliseconds has passed in reality, because he was actually dead after putting on the augmented reality headwear and his uploading getting interrupted by his mother's phone call. This brings us back to the broader concept of the man enjoying something at the expense of others and becoming this epitome. He was creating his own reality, folding the same paper again and again. This is an expansively recursive confirmation bias that generates the single unitary unit self. This recursive self-perception presents to us in the foregoing figurative terms the limitation of the human cognition.

This is such that in the quest to know, we are often blind-sided by our own limitations and thus removed from any reachable substance of thought.


June 29, 11:38:54 – June 29, 11:44:03
Cognitive Discrimination and Analysis as Responses to Vastness


When we are bombarded with vastness and richness, the only solution is to discriminate in cognitive terms.

This is why we might offer literary critique, not that we know what is best, but we know that in our goal to subsume beauty, creativity, experience, wonder, and awe, we recognize that such a life unbounded would also be rife with confusion, chaos, and a possibly hopeless from the realization of repetition, boredom, and disdain with over-familiarity and a lack of privacy and space in our own cognitions, self-perception, and sensory experiences.

It is by analysis that we hope to separate things, not out of hatred or a disdain for a particular kind of idea or thing, but that we might recognize what they are truly in a list, in a system, or in a broader epistemological clause which signifies existence, cognition, and consciousness. We hope that by discriminative analysis, we create here a sense that we are here and they are there, that there is no confusion as to what aims we propose in speaking, that communication is valid, and that we are no longer who we once were. It is a complex concept that exceeds the very word "self-concept" and goes to what each person is capable of and is experiencing.

[REDACTED]


June 29, 12:01:35 – June 29, 12:04:30
Prioritizing Internal Sense-Making Over Simple Relaxation (e.g., Minecraft)


I can easily watch a Minecraft video and relax. Why do I not do it?

I can give an answer as to why this is the case. For one, I hate fun. Or in more nuanced terms, I hate the idea of fun as a concept I read in books. I prefer the fun feeling that I get doing what I believe is right, awesome, and enjoyable. I do not just watch Minecraft videos and think that is fun. It is only going to be fun as much as it aligns with what I consider to be pleasurable. In simple terms, I like it when I like it. Alternatively, even if I might like it somewhat, I might not like it enough to do it in the face of other interests and concerns. 

It is a simple answer, but it still bothers me that I have to answer this question every time, hopefully to better and improved linguistic precision and a mind more adapted to such questions and the possibly nuanced that can be explored regarding them. If this was just a done-and-done deal, I would not be here writing with expectation. I know well the consistency of new knowledge, even if it might come from unexpected places, which is almost always the case. I never know what I don't know, that when they appear to me, they are known. To describe this figuratively, there is never a time that time does not pass.

I can watch a Minecraft video and relax. I can even decide that I might want to play Minecraft, but I won't do it.

Why?

Let me expand my answer. I like Minecraft, and I find it fun. But all of these vastness and riches in my mind cannot be so removed. This means that even if I want to play Minecraft, I am not ignorant, surprised, or even in awe and wonder.

I do experience awe and wonder in the sense that ambient music can make me feel immersed. But it is not such that I still do not end up trying to write down everything in precise, comprehensive detail anyway. There is much to gain from firsthand experience, but if that well of such experiences are so full and overflowing, there is going to be a desire to contain it in a way that is satisfying and relaxing.

As for me, I need to make sense of them and put them into words, because my memories are intrusive. And the reason for that is because I do not want to forget them, but I cannot forget many things. To solve this, I realized that the best thing to do is make sense of it, and if words can do that, then so be it. Writing has really made a lot of things make sense, at least in a writing framework kind of way, but also in the way that I approach life, my circumstances, ideas, and the very character of myself and how I am in the midst of this vast and rich life and world.

It taught me, not because it was a teacher telling me explicit things, but because I was my own teacher, using writing as a way to teach myself what it means to be. And if that required 1,000 words at a point of time at a particular day of the month of the year, I wrote it down. If that required 10,000 words, I attempted to write it down. Then it kept going. But it was never so systematic, systematized, coherent, clear, precise, and comprehensive as it is now.

I can say such things confidently because I have reached this point. But getting here was not about success or anything related to what I'm thinking now because I just did not know what doing this would mean. I knew things would change, but how can my past younger self know what I know now, which I did not know back then?

So it is inevitable to say that all of this has been essential.

As for why even if I feel a willingness to play Minecraft, I won't play it. Imagine a man with riches and vastness in front of him, but he knows that the only way he is going to appreciate it is by learning to cook to stay full and filled in this vast, rich wilderness, take care of himself, deal with personal issues, and learn how to make sense of things methodologically that appreciation would be intentional, taking into account the entirety of my life spanning the beginning of my life up to the end. Now that sounded like Minecraft is a vast, rich wilderness, it is, and it is not. I can only appreciate it if I can. It is not effectively a vast, rich wilderness, if I do not have the capacity to see, treat, and appreciate it as such.

This is why I have to eat, sleep, drink water, and do all manner of methodological restructuring, development, and evolution and also in terms of time, space, and resources through skillful management. This is like a man needing to take care of himself in the wilderness before he can recognize the vast, rich wilderness in front of him, behind him, and all around him.

[REDACTED]


June 29, 18:08:58
Platform Dependency and the Fleeting Relevance of Online Figures


The same way Occupy Wall Street largely disintegrated due to the police evictions of protestors from Zuccotti Park, upon which the movement relied; figures of Internet communities lose all their relevance when the platform by which they were known is removed.  I have observed this in a particular Roblox forum moderator who was popular when the forums were still active in the early 2010s. However, when the forum was removed, he lost all relevance, as seen in the lack of presence on other platforms like Twitter. 


June 29, 19:20:43 – June 29, 19:26:24
Exploring Microblogging for Quantifiable Daily Documentation


how can I implement microblogging as part of a broader strategy of precise and comprehensive documentation. I have never been one to get addicted to social media that I end up posting Tweets or Instagram posts everyday.

I was thinking of writing microblog posts that summarize what I did in a day. Something like:

'Drew 5 pages today, wrote 5,548 words in the span of 8 hours, played music for about 2 hours, danced for about 10 minutes, read academic texts with topics like ophthalmology and Judith Butler...'

The reason this fills a gap is because I don't actually write down what I do everyday. Instead, I write down my reflections and thoughts. So, my journal does not fit the traditional criteria of an observational diary that emphasizes physical actions, measurable goals, and activities that can be understood in numbers. However, I hope that with microblogging, I can start filling the foregoing gap of this type of content.

[REDACTED]


June 30, 03:01:14
Contemplating the World's Vastness and Wonder


It is weird, you know. I have been looking up and down, left and right, outwardly and inwardly, around and everywhere, and what I see is a lot of things. I see a vast world full of wonder and awe, as if my heart, which longs for everything that is awesome and good, only has this everything before me left to contemplate.


June 30, 03:53:29 – June 30, 04:02:02
Enhanced Information Processing, Cognitive Load Management, and the Necessity of Relaxation


You want to know something? It is funny how much better I am processing information. When I first started processing information in relation to the past, such as patiently and arduously looking through archives of older games, I was not very comprehensive, precise, and explicit, as in it was so much to take in. But I have become much more stable with time. I think the memories really got me, but as time passed, I started becoming a lot more analytical and relaxed.

Seriously, I'm doing something new everyday, always tackling a new challenge that I know would push me to my limits. It is to the point that I make sure to use relaxing videos like fantasy ambient music videos and watch League of Legends esports livestreams almost everyday to relax.

It really is a lot to take in, and one needs to be both very self-aware because the challenges require that and also very relaxed and able to enjoy the moment. It is a highly strategic thing, and my brain is not always conscious in the sense that I am constantly analyzing. And that is a good thing. I am conscious when I need to be, but I allow myself to eat without thinking too much about anything and just letting the food and the enjoyment of relaxing videos or livestreams wash over me.

For many of my activities, one does not always need to be conscious anyway. Some activities are a matter of grit as in bearing through successive instances of difficulty rather than a feat of analytical, creative prowess. It is the difference between working out at the gym, and studying academic texts and delving into detailed written reflections.

But besides these, returning to the topic of relaxation, there is also the act of rewinding and learning to receive information as is without any preconceptions, which requires good sleep, good food, good self-care, and ways to disperse tension such as deep breathing. This rest lies between grit-based tasks and analytical and creative tasks.


June 30, 05:26:07 – June 30, 05:34:49
The Shift to Constant Reflection and Managing Knowledge Overwhelm in 2024


I think there was a point where I just looked at things and did not think about anything else. However, 2024 is a year of not just thinking and letting things be. I notice that I have not been able to go entire days without reflecting or journaling about the character of my life anymore like I used to. This is a good thing, but that also means that I'm exposed to the complexities, nuances, and reality of my situation.

There is so much that are within my mind. I want to read older blogs, make a list of older Roblox games, immerse myself in fantasy worlds in my mind and read and write them, and venture off into an adventurous state of mind. However, there is also so much that I need to build in this tiny dale in my room that houses the compute that I am currently using and everything else that I need to ensure that my mind is stimulated with knowledge and growth.

However, even if I want to do so many things and even if I write them down, I know that it never ends. There is no ending to this documentation and this need to explore. There is so many and much that I have not been able to analyze in detail. Furthermore, it is not just analysis. It is also collecting as many pieces of media as possible in order to ensure that everything is archived and documented.

[REDACTED]


June 30, 06:49:51
Writing as a Tool to Mitigate Cognitive Challenges and Foster Nuanced Internalization


I have spent so much engaging in the very character of writing as a way to mitigate the oft-deleterious challenges of maintaining an intense and aggressive productive of cognitive improvement, that managed by my explicit journaling as guide points to more successive growth in areas that are otherwise overlooked; such as involving the holistic involvement of fiction writing as a way to mitigate the impingement of cognitive fog that would, in most cases, be a cause for stagnation in the holistic and precise realms, as many activities often expect an interconnective management of diverse cognitive contexts. I hope to accomplish the ready task of putting off things and watching them be internalized into my mind through a gradual recognition and appreciation of their distinct characteristics and those which are otherwise often discarded in favor of a streamlined understanding.

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]


June 30, 08:52:44 – June 30, 09:24:42
The Role of Anecdote in Inquiry: Reconciling Personal Context with Objectivity and Philosophical Stances


To be honest, I think writing anecdotes and speculation is effective as a part of efforts to systemize journaling and writing, mainly because it serves as a base by which to gain insight into my methodologies and framework of logic. It allows me majorly to begin creating lists and archives for many resources that will become essential in the future. For example, writing personal analyses of every video game one has played necessitates the creation of a list, leading to the gathering of resources such as images. This is crucial for broader systematization, because it defines things as part of an initial methodological framework, that by itself, is compromised, but with aims of future growth and further methodological refinement and advancement critical thinking, is essential to documentation.

Rather than attempting objectivity, which can be much easier to do when basing one's analyses on academic texts, focusing first on the organic, anecdotal nature of involving real-life contexts is essential for layered application of academic inquiry, because academic texts do not solve the issue of context. It is anecdotes that solve the issue of context by establishing firstly the all-around context and situation by which to apply analyses further and methodological refinement. It is easy to be objective when working with academic concepts and ideas, but when working with real-life cases and contexts, an initial framework of anecdotes and speculation is essential to getting the ball rolling.

It is easy to be objective if not taking in particular cases and contexts and relying mostly on academic texts that prescribe an effective theoretical framework for the complexities and nuances of reality. And where do we get the complexities and nuances of reality? Not through academic texts solely, but through anecdotes and personal inquiring efforts that can use academic texts as a structure but not as a definite solution to complexities and nuances as they are in a particular case and context. We can only define empirical data if we first venture out in personal gait and appearance that we might assess and collect data that we might reach a culminative objective conclusion, which can take a long time. Personal notes can be highly subjective, interpretative, and anecdotal at first, even if they can be "grounded" in academic frameworks. But they are a good way to get the ball rolling so that one day, once the resources have been accumulated and a lot of qualitative analyses have been made, then we can identify empirical reality, because we have not forced an objective conclusion and focused on the organic, anecdotal nature of integration and application.

It is only through the personal that we can gain insight, by collection and accumulation of findings and data with the aid of theories and inquiry, into the objective.

Science can start with one personal narrative. But this forms the basis for further personal narratives and accounts, which leads then to more and more accounts until it is accumulated, collected, and systematized, by which point it can be guided and interpreted with all the data collected to generate minor findings overtime until one day, it reaches a point of theoretical acceptance, marked by empiricism.

The existence of a bird in a particular island is confirmed by repeated personal observations, which after a long journey of scientific and systematic practices, leads to empiricism.

I did not discover that the bird exists by firsthand observation. I discovered it by being taught it in school. But as I grow up and discover the plights and dangers of misinformation, instead of just saying that the bird exists, I can start studying academic texts about all kinds of subjects, especially science, biology, zoology, and birds. Then I can begin observing birds in my environment and analyzing them, then concluding that different birds exist in my environment wherein I have existed for my entire life, and that they are coherent based on what I have studied. Then, I can study texts that confirm the existence of a bird by different researchers and scientific journals. Afterwards, based on how systematic and trusted the journals and papers are among researchers, I can reach a conclusion that the bird in the island exists. However, I can go even further and look for pictures and all sorts of resources beyond just academic papers. I can go even further beyond and go to the island myself. However, at one point, I can trust pictures, the resources, the papers, the researchers, the journals, and science because I have observed its lasting effect upon my life with computers, technology, infrastructure, economics, and every other field. I can trust based on how people love to inquire and doubt things, and I can see the difference between conspiracy theorists and researchers from established peer-reviewed journals in the way that they present information. In conclusion, as long as I study and trust my very sensory experience from what I see, experience, observe, and learn, I can easily reach a conclusion as to whether a particular bird in an island exists, even without seeing the bird myself.

However, even if I adhere to positivism, empiricism, and objectivity in cases like this, I am also beginning to find reason in post-structuralist and postmodernist ideas that emphasize that the structures of thought, even that of objective science, is limited in many ways, such as in language and in cultural underpinnings. I can see value in the presence of thinkers like Judith Butler and people who find that the grand narrative even in science can be mistakenly adherent to a single universal thread such that it becomes characteristic of dogma and unquestioning acceptance.

The same way I have seen myself be a proponent in both positivism and post-structuralism, I have also seen myself finding that I believe both in the non-existence of free will and the committed dedication to living as if it was real; which I recently discovered is called "compatibilism."

It is positivism that has led me to discovering post-structuralism. It is the determinism spoken about in physics that led me to discovering compatibilism.

I love helping people and would tell others to believe in empathy, even if I do not intellectually believe in free will.

I believe that people can make choices, maybe not objectively, but that they should act as if they are making real choices: in other words, they should be decisive. Similarly, I make choices willingly while intellectually discarding free will as truth.


June 30, 09:27:36 – June 30, 13:26:43
Historical Parallel: 18th Century Book Subscribers and Modern Patreon Shoutouts


I love how this one book from the 18th century, "The Four Books of Architecture" by Andrea Palladio (1508-1580), had the name of their subscribers at the start of the book. Reminds me of Youtubers reading out their Patreon subscribers at the end of a video.


June 30, 09:39:16  – 

June 30, 10:01:54
Critiquing Video Consumption vs. Deep Study; The Complex Relationship with Art and Expression


Should we celebrate Youtube videos because they are what people consume or because they are effective at communicating ideas? I find that it would be great if people spent more time studying academic texts that they apply a more in-depth analyses of media and other topics rather than relying solely on videos, but I guess this is an argument that disregards that people may find videos easier to watch because it can take much time to immerse in reading, studying, and writing detailed reflections that one would, after several years, reach a point of synthesis that admits of analyzing media and other relevant topics.

But damn, I love highly sophisticated paintings probably for the same reason that people watch videos; though I argue videos rarely come close to being artistic and sophisticated and can often be very invisible, which is often the goal anyway.

I loved the paintings of Dinotopia and many other children's picture books. I saw the passion, immersion, vividness, and depth of their imaginations in painting form. It was beautiful and systematically inspiring because it gave rise to feelings that sought to represent complexity and nuance in creative form. This is why academic texts and my autobiography-journal are priorities I pursue now, because I thought to go into such depth that no can argue about my willingness such that when I write fiction or draw, they will see that there is this vastness and richness that I have known for so long, but have remained silent because I have long needed to systemize everything and refine methodologies that reach precision and comprehensiveness that relying merely on academic texts solely or imagination solely can bestow.

Children's picture books and many fiction books were the depth of imagination for me, and they are the reason I have such a creative and sophisticated mind. But it is because of this vastness and richness that I felt challenged psychologically because I wanted to comprehend everything precisely and comprehensively. In order to do that, writing, drawing, music, and many other activities served as mediums through which I can express what lay inside my mind that long needed release.

That is why recently, I have felt a great appreciation and immersion with many artworks I've seen on the Internet and also a bitterness that evolved with my long history of struggle with expressing this great feeling inside my heart that longed to be let out. It was this feeling that wanted to respond to these beautiful things by creating beautiful things as well. I wanted to express this deep appreciation, and the challenges involved has made my relationship with beauty, aesthetic, artworks, immersion, appreciation, storytelling, children's picture books, and fiction books complex.


June 30, 09:51:04
Advocating Detailed Written Reflections on Media Consumption


To be honest, what people should do is write detailed reflections with regard to media that extend beyond surface-level descriptions. Offering 


June 30, 11:29:31 – June 30, 11:30:14
Self-Directed Learning at 21: Contrasting Personal Growth with Generational Identity Shifts Post-COVID


Knowing that 17 is the typical minimum age for undergraduates and that they end around 21 usually 4 years later, I delved into the following reflection.

Interesting. It makes sense why I'm the way I am. Despite not having graduated from high school, I realize now that because I have the habit of studying and learning on my own time self-directed likely from my experiences with homeschooling, with computers, and influences in life, I've grown up to the age of 21 with a lot of proficiency on my belt in the realms of writing, studying, and many other homebred skills such as musical instruments.

I was saying that it makes sense why I am the way I am at 21 not because there is a genetic age-based trajectory necessarily, but more so that it is also the case for many as well culturally, psychologically, and in terms of interests. However, I know I am an anomaly. A lot of my improvements have been self-directed, and not many people have learned how to live at home in an independently productive way. My experiences growing up traveling, being part of many communities, and being able to spent time in computers coding games, among other sources of growth, are definitive reasons for my current stability.

I know many people who have disappeared or have struggled with adapting to the current climate, especially since many people my age have had their lives disrupted by the lockdowns, COVID-19, and other global changes that became much more immediate as people's lives were moved to the Internet at which it became much more common to live life in a more global way.

However, because I had lots of experience with staying at home and growing up with computers, I was able to transition to this lifestyle much easier, and it was only intensified because of the lockdowns, the global changes, and the proliferation of Internet use, especially among people my age. But I struggled a lot, so I can only imagine how challenged, unfulfilled, and lost people my age are today. It is likely the reason why I notice that people my age have shifted in terms of identity a lot. I have met people who have been completely warped by the lockdowns, with the loss of and lack of access to friendships, communities, relationships, and many interests. If I met many of them today, I would find that the recent years played a pivotal rule in the formation of their identities, so I will not be surprised to find that they are so separate from their childhood and adolescent selves, because such significant levels of disruption can really force someone out of their selves, specifically in regard to their childhood and adolescent interests and memories, especially when these disruptions occur globally. I have written so much, yet I know that even now, despite having written much in the last several years, I still am affected by everything that happened. My memory and identity became so disjointed as a consequence of it, and it is still taking time to heal and make sense of things. That is why I started writing the autobiography-journal after my writing skills have improved much with fiction writing.

But besides myself, I emphasize the unfortunate character of memory and identity loss for the sake of adapting to the disruptions and to the new climate among not only people my age and everyone, including Gen Alpha who are still forming their identities. They will form their 'proto-identities' around their current climate, for better and for worse, as they have not been disrupted as much as in the case if they were already teenagers who have formed a more visible self.

Gen Alpha will see the current world as "it has always been this way," for better and for worse.

This is why it can feel as if they are entitled and possibly even normalizing negative wellbeing, because this is who they currently know themselves to be as proto-identities formed post–COVID-19. This can be compared to Millennials who lived post-9/11 and Gen Z who lived through COVID-19.


June 30, 11:41:12 – June 30, 11:43:23
Analyzing Implicit vs. Explicit Meanings: The Case of "Abstract" and Euphemisms


It is weird that I have never seen the following meanings of "abstract" being standardly defined, only implied in content.

a
: disassociated from any specific instance
an abstract entity
b
: difficult to understand : ABSTRUSE
abstract problems
c
: insufficiently factual : FORMAL
possessed only an abstract right
2
: expressing a quality apart from an object
the word poem is concrete, poetry is abstract
b
: IMPERSONAL, DETACHED
the abstract compassion of a surgeon
—Time

To clarify, I have only seen it used to mean 'abstruse,' 'dissociated from any specific instance,' and 'expressing a quality apart from an object,' based on the examples. However, it is strange to see that it is defined explicitly in Webster's Dictionary, as opposed to implied solely. It has been of great interest to me to note the varying distribution of unregistered implications v. explicitly registered ones.

In a similar vein, I also noted earlier that tendency of language to see cases like "My father never lay a hand on me," so as to refer to abuse in the physical realm, rather than a mere placing of the hand on the shoulder or any top-facing body-part.

But it is the euphemistic-formalizing nature of language that continues to intrigue me in cases like "My father never laid a hand on me," as it circumscribes the "ugly" meaning with something definably implicit, which one can easily guess based on context and tone in the past, but, now contemporarily, just based on the use of "laid" in such a manner: as "place" or "put" are often more commonly used words that do not admit of such a connotation.

And I emphasize the convention of using more formal-sounding equivalents to more everyday language as a way to reduce the impact of words here as a topic of interest.


June 30, 12:02:12 – June 30, 12:57:05
Deliberating Youtube Video Creation: Spontaneity, Scripts, Privacy, and Technical Hurdles



Why Make Videos?

Introduction

Are there any intellectual argument or counter-argument for me making videos of myself expressing myself on Youtube? I find that I cannot find a good reason, given the many bad aspects of it. But I feel that it is largely emotional and based on past personal experiences rather than based on empirical reality, and my basis for this feeling comes from my extended lack of addressal of the topic, which could however be explained by the need to handle many other concerns such as my autobiography-journal, which by itself is addressal, but could have been used even fora time to avoid the need to bring attention to realities which struck me as too complex or intimately sensitive for me to mention in detail.

I can make videos easily, but that does not mean that the videos are well-edited, scripted, and made with utmost systematic precision and care. In fact, they are often me expressing myself out of the blue and talking anecdotally and without any preparation in hand; only being done when writing or any other method fails to achieve a satisfactory threshold of communication.

It takes much effort to expose myself, but for some reason, there is much less motivation to upload videos of myself privately to my Youtube account than in the case that it is public. While I have uploaded videos privately many times already, it is no way comparable to when I was uploading a video of myself singing everyday to a small, but growing audience, which had reached a number of 34 subscribers by the time that I needed to stop. It has been over a 11 months since I was most active and getting comments. I have never even spoken about the fact that I have 34 subscribers in writing and to others.

I have grown much because I moved my attention away from uploading videos and livestreaming myself. For instance, I have been writing so much more in my autobiography-journal and studying academic texts. Taking a break back in early 2023 was one of a number of factors contributing to the success of the establishment of the autobiography-journal that made more concrete my self-documentation efforts. However, I have barely uploaded videos since. When in the past, I uploaded a video everyday. Now I uploaded only at most around 10 videos since early 2023.

However, it is not that I am interested in halting my self-documentation; however, I now find value in recording myself much, much more in relation to self-documentation, as I can see foresee a future where even video-creation will be much more systematic in line with my current trend of success in my written reflections, studying of academic texts, and the filling-up of my autobiography-journal, which I believe is now at least 500,000 words (based on a conservative guess from seeing previous word counts).

However, even now, there are still concerns in regard to whether video creation is admissible, given that my current computer is limited and can barely handle video editing. I can spent time writing a short script about a particular personal subject, but that does not mean that it will extend to a well-edited video. With the current scope of my computer, I might be able only to make simple ones. My script-writing skills will have to go through many revisions, as they need to be in line what is audio-visually presented in the video, which can be challenging to put together to form a coherent whole that people might want to watch voluntarily.

Yet I also find the idea of making videos for the sake of summarizing particular parts of my life, even if the videos are simple, to be interesting, even if I do not see it being feasible because of the lengthy time it takes to edit any video. I can write scripts to create videos that are within my scope and satisfaction, but that does not necessarily extend to video.

I can see myself writing a script, editing a video, and uploading it. But I do not see myself feeling that what I've made is something people would want to watch; given that my priorities and interests are much more esoteric and specific to me.

But having a limited scope of reach is not necessarily a bad thing, and the idea of videos being made for my own satisfaction sounds conducive to greater creativity and a more well-rounded system of self-documentation, even if it does present challenges that require more than just a whim, but quality control and consistency and what these entail. 

Background

I have experience with editing and publishing Youtube videos all the way back around 2015 when I was only 12 years old. I used Windows Movie Maker (WMM) to make these gaming videos that included both highlights and montages of League of Legends and more regular gameplay videos in Minecraft and Roblox, so it was very easy to produce. I can still use WMM now.

However, in regard to general video making, it would require much patience as these videos that I am planning to create, while possibly easy to edit, will require more than just editing skills, but the collection of images, sound effects, music, and other resources that can contribute to a finished video. In conclusion, I would record myself speaking out the script before heading into the video editing app.

While I mention creating videos all the way back around 2015, I have also created videos recently in the last several years that have been up to my satisfaction, even if they were very intentional and demanding productions. For one, I have created a formal essay regarding Minecraft. It was simple, and its goal was to present Minecraft through an analytical-logical lens.

And while this video is exactly the kind of content that I want to refine, streamline, and mass-produce, this kind of video is demanding to produce, such that I had to create them in DaVinci Resolve.

But I can see myself returning to WMM in hopes that simple video editing can allow me to make videos that focus on spoken content and simple images and videos, even at the cost of a more sophisticated production.

But I am referring to videos edited for the sake of an essay rather than something like a video where I sing, because video essays are the easiest to produce. While I can sing regularly and record them, my equipment is still somewhat limited, and I have found it challenging to record myself and maintain a pace, because it is too demanding to expose myself constantly when singing and making music is a highly personal process, given that I make songs on the spot rather than based on a script.

Privacy

Shifting to the topic of privacy, the following are statements on what level with which I am comfortable.
OKAY:
I am okay with the level of privacy limited to videos of myself making songs on the spot that are not too personal and are intended to be demonstrations of melodic sophistication rather than personal venting sessions.

I am okay with the privacy where it is only detached analyses of particular scopes.
NOT:
I am not okay with videos that require me to express myself beyond what I can, but videos where I can express anecdotes about playing certain video games and my reflections of them and the memories made are fine.

I am not okay with videos that force me to separate from my past self such that I can no longer made simple gaming videos like I did back then in 2015. I am okay with the fact that I only got a limited number of views during that time, as I found contentment in their value as videos that relate me to those past years of my life, which is priceless in self-documentation.

In conclusion, as long as it is for self-documentation on a level that does not dive deeply into personal issues and focuses on good memories, positive reflections, and demonstrations of musical or analytical proficiency.

When it comes to practicality, it is not that difficult to upload videos if they were unedited and only comprise of me talking in front of my phone camera, in which I can access the Youtube app and upload them directly.

Scripts

In regard to the use of scripts, I can easily write them as I already spend most of my time writing structured reflections in my autobiography-journal; however, the question is whether they are worth recording myself speaking, given that I have already written them down on the journal, by which time it might be better off just writing perpetually rather than recording myself narrating a written script.

This is the issue I have with scripts and why I find it challenging to document based on scripts, because I can just write them down. 

Recording is not a matter of scripts for me. It was a matter of recording the genuine self doing something I enjoyed or cared about.

I used scripts several times for several videos, but I do not care for them as much as I care for videos that involve me just going about my time, whether it be playing a video game for a gaming video or recording myself singing a song. I prefer it when I do not have to think about whether or not the video is worthy of an editing or script award.

I prefer it when the content generated in a video is specific only to that video, as in I say things that only recording myself for a video would make me and say them in a way that recording myself would permit.

Maybe there is an argument to be made that I can easily focus on particular topics to talk about for a video before beginning a talk. I did say that scripts can be problematic if over-emphasized, but spontaneous videos, while they do capture moments that cannot be captured in scripted ones, are also inefficient at delivering information, regarding which I have complained many times.

For example, this very passage I wrote can be narrated in video. It is written with "I" statements, so it is a first-person passage. It is also structured such that organization into a video is much more smoother. The concern is whether such a scripted video can be a value even when recorded only with a camera rather than with a highly edited video. If one has a very well-done passage that can be turned into a script for recording a video, at that point, creating a highly edited video is a must. It would be awkward if I was sitting there recording myself while reading a well-written script like I was auditioning for a TV show in Nebraska. 

Irony

Ironically, despite my personal perspective of video-creation, I have never really watched scattered spontaneous videos that much, and I have always found videos that present themselves as one of those highly marketed and simplified mobile apps would do to be much more appealing and easily digestible. They focus on excitement and easy digestion rather than anything too cultural niche or complex. So they make sure to "dumbify" everything so that it appeals to the wish fulfillment of the common person who sees the world in a very simplistic yet fantastical and enjoyable way.

Popcorn fantasy web novels can recently be observed to be very much popular, and this is especially the case with videos.


June 30, 13:24:47 – June 30, 13:49:46
The 10-Million-Word Autobiography-Journal: Vision, Methodology, and Scope


But seriously, my goal is writing at least a 10-million-word draft for what I call my 'autobiography-journal'. So that is the reason why I have found it challenging to gaze at any other form of expression as superior, if not equal, to writing. I see writing as a way to say explicitly everything that others may forgo reliance upon micro-expressions, behavioral idiosyncrasies, and other characteristics that do not motivate anyone credible to decide definitively what I feel or have to say.

When I have finally written the draft, my goal is to collect numerous references, citations, and resources as part of this entirety. And it will be published in many forms, including PDF (through LaTeX), HTML websites, and other forms that help create a network in which the autobiography-journal is central. The reason why I mention references and citations is because while much of the goal of the work is to document my life, there will be much need to ensuring that my many statements are based on well-evidenced citations. While all of the written statements in my autobiography do not require a citation as they are not intended to guide the reader into a definitive understanding of my evolving current beliefs, ideas, and frameworks, it is still crucial to point out knowledge that can be validated, implicitly saying that writings of mine that are not cited are likely to be speculations of the mind. I do not intend to use citations and references like these merely, as my goal is to ensure that everything points to something real. If I mention a video, it should point to something that exists rather than some vague reference. That is why in writing in my draft, I make great lengths to pursue clarity and precision, especially when I am referring to a particular book, video, or topic; in hopes that the editing process will be much smoother, especially if the end goal is presenting the finished autobiography-journal to the public.

I hope to ensure that the autobiography-journal is accompanied by more than only just thousands of images that are stored in a zip file for download in Google Drives, but I also hope to have a map in Google Maps that points to every place that I have ever been. I hope to write down in detail regarding these locations, and after I have tackled analyzing and archiving everything that can be archived digitally, I may consider traveling to these places in order to develop a better understanding of the places that I might analyze them as well in their most recent states in comparison to how I remembered them to be.

I have already been studying all sorts of academic texts in order to make it so that I can go outside and analyze my entire environment, including my neighborhood, the streets, my city, and my region.

For now the draft will focus on what I can capture with words my memories and those that I can locate digitally, such as media that I've consumed over the years in the Internet and media whereof I remember the name and which I can find in the Internet.

Right now, I've already written around 500,000 words in total; though that is a conservative guess. In any case, I can foresee myself refining my methodology of self-documentation overtime as observed in my growth since the beginning of 2024. I have not only engaged in words, but I have downloaded many images and pictures already of my past. I have also made many lists of media I've consumed; though they are still limited and do not contain the entirety of my experiences. But if the lists can reach a point where they capture almost everything that has had at least a threshold impact upon me, then that is sufficient.

I have repeatedly analyzed my documentation again and again and have offered much in terms of support, criticism, and neutral overviews. Each analysis has brought me closer to a more systemized recognition of the now-formalized term autobiography-journal in my journal, which extends to the entirety of its scope, methodologies, and processes by which I define various points of focuses and how they are married together overtime with successive series of analysis, both positive, negative, and neutral. It is not a peer review process, but it is a process that allows for reinforcement and refinement which is otherwise absent if it was not such a systematic process given that it points to millions of words of capacity and opportunity based on the vast and rich memories, knowledge, and experiences I hold still in my mind. I can talk about and retrieve much in terms of particular details, and my observant, curious, adventurous character as a growing child has only contributed to this increasing familiarity as the boundaries between vast, rich life and explicit precise documentation is absolved.


June 30, 14:23:13
Situating Darwin's 1839 Marriage within Early Victorian Contemporaneous Events


I realize now that Charles Darwin's marriage with his wife in 1839 coincided closely with the beginning of the Victorian Era, which started with Queen Victoria's ascension in 1837: by which year Charles Dickens started publishing his second novel in serial form; slavery was still a relevant issue with the death of Elijah Lovejoy and the passing of the "Slave Compensation Act"; the daguerreotype, which was the first publicly available photographic process, was developed; and Catherine Fox of the Fox sisters was born. In addition, the 1830s saw a rapid rise of imperialism and colonialism; the mass production of rail roads, increased trade, and the Erie Canal, which led to increased prosperity in America; and the emergence of greatcoats, which would become very symbolic of the two World Wars, as fashionable day wear. Altogether, Darwin's marriage occurred in a gigantic time when many things were happening all at once.


June 30, 14:37:01 – June 30, 15:09:31
The Symbolic Forest: Adult Awe, Reflection, and the Nature of the Autobiography-Journal


I can still see the empty vast, rich forest that I saw often as a child. I saw it through films, TV shows, picture books, and stories.

I can still imagine it and feel the curiosity, wonder, and awe associated with such vastness and richness.

I can still see the forest.

Until I have analyzed everything and addressed everything, I will still see that forest.

I guess even if I'm already 21 years old, I am still a child.

The draft of my autobiography-journal is still around 500,000 words.

I am still writing many things and down making sure that my knowledge and understanding of the world is full, precise, and comprehensive; that I might document my entire life in explicit words.

I hope that I will no longer see the forest and feel that I am lost in a vastness of richness.

I can see so much beauty in such a forest, and while that may sound awesome and even inspiring, it also signifies a need to establish a sense of coherence in the midst of such greatness, vastness, richness, wonder, awe, curiosity, adventurer, and imagination.

To clarify, it is not nostalgia necessarily, but I still have that child-like capacity by which I can "see the forest."

I can literally imagine the symbolic forest even now and feel it, given that I am exposed to stimuli, such as music, videos, books, mood, environment, and stories, that can stimulate such a feeling.

However, the thing is... This seeing of the forest is not a childlike thing. It is not something that a child can feel. In fact, a child is more grounded and immediately experiencing, so he only grabs a book in hopes of reading it at the moment with everything that signifies. But it is the adult who sees the forest. A child may experience awe and wonder, but not to the extent of that of an adult. Only an adult can experience such a vastness and richness that is not just limited to the mind and to books, but to a wealth of sensory experiences throughout his life that carry the same weight as actual evidence.

So the awe and wonder that I experience now upon seeing this forest in my imagination is an adult perspective, not a child's.

If I was a child, I would not just stand here at the lodge and look upon the forest. If I was younger, I would go and visit it with excitement for immediate experiences like a boy exploring his nearby forest with a stick. But as an adult, we have much upon which to contemplate, so when we see the forest, we see not only the vastness and richness. But we also see the vastness and richness of our own histories and full lives. We experience awe and wonder in such a way.

To repeat, I mean all of this figuratively and in relation to an actually imagined forest in the head as symbolic.

The thing is, I know it is still a vast and rich forest that invites adventure, awe, and wonder still, because even with my full life, I still have much to synthesize and analyze. And that potential for in-depth exploration in writing is what allows me to maintain this awe and wonder, because I know that all of this exists and cannot be tamed, like the forest that I imagine and that a child might see only on the surface, while I can see much more comprehensively, richly, and precisely. That is what makes it awesome and wonderful, or full of awe and wonder.

A contemplative and reflective state is the natural result of a full, diverse, well-rounded accumulation of lived-in experiences.

At one point, there is so much richness and vastness that has accumulated that reflection becomes almost inevitable, because the brain likes to process things quickly and with the increasing accumulation that gets only much more sophisticated, complex, and challenging to map and comprehend, reflection makes memories more digestible in a way that does not ignore details and permit memory loss.

This is why it is typical for adults to look at situations and remember similarities. It is like the statement "Everywhere I go, I see his face." It is hard to look at anything without having all of these memories inform one about it. It is the reality of knowledge, memory, and reflection.

Even now, the more I write down as much as I can in my autobiography-journal, the more dreams from years ago pop up in my head all of a sudden randomly. My mind is being freed of space, because data is being organized in much more space-efficient forms the more I write down, reflect, and document. This makes it easier to remember memories that would be impossible to remember without such systematic processing.

I can see myself writing everyday all day for years, based on the depth of my memories, knowledge, experiences, and life. I have already written down 227,127 words in the scope of 33 days (6882.66 words per day on average) dedicated to refining my methodologies, analyses, and self-documentation, serving as an additional layer that goes beyond the autobiography. This is one reason why I call it the autobiography-journal. This is also because the autobiography is where I write down everything as much as I can with regard to my life and the journal serves as a way to reflect upon my reflections; through which I engage in meta-textual reflections to improve my analytical-logical skills further, synthesize previous drafts and content, and interpret all the references that can be analyzed and explained. It is more than just adding as much content as possible, which I have already done to great lengths, but also qualitatively analyzing these content, whether it be images, texts, or any other resources that I have accumulated in the initial stages of my autobiography-journal. It first started as an autobiography, but realizations of the character of meta-textuality has led me to formalize the journal as a part of the autobiography in the term "autobiography-journal". Though the beginning of the journal around late 2023 was based upon the realization that the autobiography will take much too long to complete and that dates will be essential moving forward to ensure that I can systematically monitor the quality and structure of my writings; and based upon the need to write down my thoughts as much as possible without threatening the perceived stability of the autobiography. However, these reasons evolved to become what it is today as the epitome of my current methodological process.


June 30, 15:12:22
Meta-Reflection: The Impressive Speed and Challenge of Non-Fiction Journaling


The fact that this is all non-fiction is what is pivotal here. I have seen fiction writers write incredibly fast, and that is already impressive. The fact that this author engages in non-fiction writing is what really sets this speed apart. It is hard to analyze reality oftentimes, and going at this speed implies that the author has much to say, which aligns with their statements in the passage.


June 30, 16:32:12 – June 30, 16:37:55
Questioning the Roots of the Internet's Liberal Leanings


Do tell if the reason for the Internet being liberal is due to the alignment of values with the earliest Internet adopters and the particular characteristics of the Internet, especially the early one, as a democratized space that might have been aligned more with at-the-time progressive thought?

Is it due to the age-old trend of rural conservatives and city progressives? or am I reaching?

So in conclusion, answer these again in full:
Do tell if the reason for the Internet being liberal is due to the alignment of values with the earliest Internet adopters and the particular characteristics of the Internet, especially the early one, as a democratized space that might have been aligned more with at-the-time progressive thought?

Is it due to the age-old trend of rural conservatives and city progressives? or am I reaching?

I was thinking that this is also the same reason why in entertainment and media, it is often very progressive, while the actual politics can be much more conservative.

I thought I was reaching this entire time. I guess there was a point. I guess logically, it makes sense to believe that I might be reaching. I only relied on personal experiences, influences, and media exposure, Internet experiences since the 2010s, and some historical references to base my question regarding the rural conservatives and the city progressives and the unsure statement about the Internet being liberal due to the alignment of values with the earliest Internet adopters and the particular characteristics of the Internet, especially the early one, as a democratized space that might have been aligned more with at-the-time progressive thought.



June 30, 16:50:45
Querying the Correct Use of Quotation Marks for Attributed Terms


Is it objective to do the following?

Soros's extensive funding of political causes has made him a "bugaboo of European nationalists".

I'm referring to the use of quotation marks as a way to refer to the term used in a particular article from The Economists about Soros.


Hmm, I have been thinking of using it more, but I was wary about it. It is weird that I am only asking this now after having written so many words, but now's a better time than never.

So I can do it in the following?

'The staple of "Vtubers" emerged during 2021 with the explosion of interest surrounding these Youtubers who use a virtual avatar (thus making the term) (John 2017).'

VTubers is not only the popular term used, but it is also mentioned in the reference.



June 30, 17:36:33
Sheltered Innocence vs. Learned Charisma: Upbringing's Impact on Entertainment and Storytelling


Why is it that the best entertainers I know are often people who have remained close to their roots as a curious child? I notice that people who have not been born in struggling conditions or have not been exposed to things that would uproot the child and turn them into an adult that seeks to be aware of issues and concerns that they might address them systematically and effectively are the people that struggle with being there smiling and entertaining others in a childish, joking way. If they did, it is often just an appearance or persona that they adopt to ease communications and bring in charisma.

What I am saying is that people who have had stable and sheltered upbringing tend to be more childish and are more likely to be better entertainers because they are well-accustomed to the bright parts of society and culture, often seeing bad stuff only in the news and even talking lightly about them, especially if it is about politics.

I am saying that those who have been exposed to struggling conditions and things that would uproot the child and turn them into an adult that seeks to be aware of issues of issues and concerns that they might address them systematically and effectively are the ones who struggle to smile and entertain in a childish, joking way, unless it is a persona (but not necessarily fake, but more so socially strategic and tactful). They adopt a persona because they have been exposed to situations that required them to finesse their way through challenging situations, such that they have to be very intentional so as to ease communications and bring in charisma, as opposed to someone who had not gone through much are just naturally bright, sunny, child-like, and easy to like because they are often a lot simpler in character, making it easier to comprehend them and thus like them.

"Overthinking" and "self-consciousness" can be considered key differences here between the sheltered child who brings light wherever they go and talks lightly about serious things like a child would, and the trial-by-fire struggler who learns to be charismatic through intention and a systematic approach.

I am referring specifically to adults here, because the difference between a child and a seasoned old man is obvious, but the difference between adults based on upbringing is more nuanced.

The reason these two classifications can be helpful in relation to adults of relatively comparable (due to being similar and close) ages is because no one can eschew knowledge, experience, and influence. A man who went through struggles cannot pretend to be light and carefree forever, nor can a sheltered person precisely and comprehensively express the complexities and nuances that comes with limitations, challenges, and significant struggle.

For one, I struggle to write straightforward narratives as someone who has gone through experiences that have pointed me toward issue addressal and communication of complexities and nuances of limitations and challenges. Someone else might find that writing such narratives are intuitive

However, in this case, it is not so clear-cut. Someone who has gone through much might instead feel nostalgic and yearn for their inner child, causing them to write straightforward narratives that portray child-like ideas even as an adult. So these stories can effectively combine sheltered innocence and the complexities and nuances of challenges. Relating back to myself, I have written many stories like this that represent wish fulfillment.

In contrast, this is the not case for an author with a sheltered upbringing. Unlike the seasoned struggler who can communicate both simplistic child-like wish fulfillment and complexities, sheltered authors can struggle much in communicating the complexities and nuances of limitations and significant struggle, even with the help of empathy, because empathy is only as effective as the person is knowledgeable and experienced with struggle, whether first-hand or second-hand. 

Yeah, sheltered authors' straightforward, light-hearted stories can differ strikingly from struggler authors' straightforward, light-hearted stories. The purpose and rationale is highly contrasting. The former expresses the fullness of their hearts; the latter expresses his wishes.

But again, this is not so clear-cut. This is only the case if both classifications are viewed in terms of rational and high-functioning thinkers, as the writing process can be a rational, demanding process.

But in the case of triggers, complexities, and other attributes that go beyond these classifications, then their situations can be complicated.

I do not believe there is such a thing as complete and utter sheltered upbringing, because exposure to media can act as second-hand trauma (vicarious trauma). So even without significant struggles, their empathy might allow them to see beyond what their experiences allow through their second-hand experience with media and with strugglers they know in real life.

So even without the actual first-hand experiences, sheltered authors can write as if they do have them, because words are limited and writing can demand conciseness (which can lead to free imaginative interpretation of even just a few words), such that it can allow people to relate even if the author has relied only upon key words and particular characteristics learned as part of a model or framework of understanding the impact of trauma.


June 30, 17:41:11 – June 30, 17:46:07
Rationale vs. Wish Fulfillment in Fiction: Towards a Pluralistic View of Writing


The extent to which rationale plays a role in fiction writing, especially those that are released online as web novels (as opposed to traditional publishing, which can be much less experimental and novel), can delve into some pretty important considerations of the character of writing and of human nature; potentially allowing us to rid writing of its structuralist underpinnings and bring it into a more pluralistic form of understanding, one that sees the benefits of writers not as contributors to a grand narrative, but as themselves merely.

To start, straightforward light-hearted stories either out of wish fulfillment from an author who has faced significant struggle in their upbringing in contrast with the overflowing carefree fullness of a sheltered author are ones that can bring light into the complexities and nuances involved in such a structure of reasoning and an undercurrent of unconscious wish fulfillment.


June 30, 18:21:53 – June 30, 18:27:18
The Scattered Gems and Lost Histories within Youtube Comments


I find it both endearing and saddening that there are so many people commenting valuable information about their lives, such as their insider account in the army, insider account in China, and other experiences that are not so well-documented, on Youtube. In Reddit, misinformation is probably much more prevalent, but on Youtube, you will especially see people typing comments randomly out of the blue. There is a tendency for these people to comment only once in blue moon, if more than once ever. This makes their writing harder to read and clearly exhibiting traits of someone who is not adapted to the Internet and Youtube comments.

It is saddening that these are dispersed so randomly rather than expanded, edited, and collated into books.

This is why I believe that Youtube is effective for reading the comments alone because one can find people just randomly venting or speaking about their personal history with something that is not that well-talked about. Oftentimes, these comments are in channels that do not reflect their history at all. Sometimes, a gaming video about a light-hearted game can a literal comment from a Marine explaining some of their personal experiences due to a random, brief comment about the Marines or the military from the video.

This is why personal experiences can so hard to document, because it requires particular kind of people to do so, and not everyone is up to the task of writing much about their personal lives and their history with particular things.

There have been very numerous people who played older Roblox, but that does not mean that people have actually analyzes all about it in very precise and comprehensive detail. The best you can get is some in-depth statements here and there, but largely general and wide-sweeping in scope.

The following passage by "wonderful72pike" on the Roblox subreddit is one example of one of those general reflections of older Roblox players.

'Created my first account in 2007, lost it, restarted in 2010. I'm going to post some things I miss and also some things I like:

- ROBLOX culture. Back in the day all of the games felt unified - they'd use the same memes, share the same gear items and free models, and staff members (like builderman or Telamon/Shedletsky) were celebrities. If a game hit 1,000 members, that was a huge achievement and everyone would talk about it. Everything feels so disconnected now that there are so many different experiences. You can have memes about individual games. Games usually didn't start hitting that mark until Apocalypse Rising, the first game that (IMO) felt comparable to a game I'd play off-platform.

- Before you could sell consumables in-game users had workarounds like buying "VIP T-Shirts" to monetize their games beyond visits, and because there wasn't a system in place to detect repurchases there was an incentive to really reward users for that kind of thing. Nowadays it's way easier to monetize with currency and single-use products, so I feel like I'm being bombarded with things to buy.

- There aren't as many advancements in games today now that everything has been done. When Roblox was still in its early days, things like "dialog boxes" and "dynamic lighting" felt like HUGE game-changing updates. When a game rotated your head to match the camera or had its own GUI inventory, that was huge too. When Team Rudimentality developed a shooting game with a top-down camera that even got its own blog article. Imagine when video games moved from 2D to 3D for the first time and how massive that change was, vs. moving from the PS4 to the PS5 now - minor improvements. Shovelware's Brain Game and DOORS are two games that made me feel excited though, those games are insanely polished (more on this later).

- I miss simple games. Everything needs to last for a month now. For an example of a simple game, take a look at A Pirate's Life by lando64000 - two bases, some ships, a shop, a few simple items and secret areas. Nothing major. People would spend hours in that game having fun killing people and collecting coins for simple upgrades because that's really all you had. Now, games have taken that experience and stretched it out and multiplied every number by a million. I'm looking at you, Mining Simulator.

- Most users don't chat through text now, and I miss that. I can go an entire session where I am the only one typing in text, and because I'm older if I got on voice chat talking with kids I'd feel creepy.'


June 30, 18:31:47
Shared Views on Roblox's Evolution from Community to Platform


I realize that a lot of people share my views about current Roblox changing from "Robloxia" in the early 2010s to a platform, from a single unified community to a "conglomerate of external communities" in the 2020s. 

Reference: https://www.reddit.com/r/roblox/comments/180lq5p/what_do_you_veterans_miss_20062012/


June 30, 18:53:29 – June 30, 20:13:08
Navigating the Friction Between Analytical Non-Fiction and Rekindling Fiction Writing


It is insane that it requires a particular brain to get into fiction writing. I think objectivity, positivism, precision, and comprehensiveness has in a way stunned me and developed feelings of psychological repellence in me toward fiction writing as a medium through which 
I can develop myself. Even if I intellectually recognize the benefits of reading and writing fiction, there is this feeling of incompatibility between non-fiction and fiction writing that can be hard to marry.

The way I see it is that intuitive writing is not the way to go. Oftentimes, it is writing things that are challenging to write that contribute to the world, not repetitive generic fiction.

A simplistic, nuance-requiring way to look at this could be "So if it is challenging, then it is worth it."

There is this weird thing in my head. I think it is either a psychological or intellectual contradiction. I cannot at all find the passion to see fiction writing the same way. I have been ruined by publishing my first stories. They have both contributed to my improved writing, but they also have led to this viewpoint toward fiction writing that I now have.

I need to find the vast, rich "uncaring" world again instead of the insular viewpoint of the Internet sometimes, especially in cases where oneself is exposed.

For the entirety of June 2024, I used academic texts as a way to escape, and that is why I am reluctant against fiction writing again, because they remind of the insular viewpoints of people on the Internet sometimes. Serializing as an author has made me forget the vastness and richness of the world through the eyes of fiction novels. It has ground-locked me to the insular, close-minded viewpoints of some elitist readers.

As of writing in June 30 at 8:03 PM in the Philippines, I am about 4 hours away from July 1. This could signify a new month of doing something completely different and shifting gears in light of the developments I made throughout June.

I'll just say it. I don't know what to do. The thing is, I have a lot options, directions, time, space, and resources. But in this case, I do not know how to marry fiction writing into my life again without being affected by my recent experiences. The reason I started my autobiography-journal is because I wanted to move on with my life by writing everything down in precise and comprehensive detail. This would allow me to move on much easier because I do not have to carry them with me anymore. 

But I do not know how to approach fiction writing, or maybe this is just a temporary spell that I'm feeling. However, it has been a month and a half since I have written any significant fiction work.

In any case, maybe I should let time pass and let it do the work, but reflecting upon this concern helps with understanding myself better.


June 30, 20:23:01 – June 30, 20:23:40
Enhanced Time Awareness Through Writing: Periodizing Recent Months of Activity


It is weird that even since I started writing so much more, I can remember and track the days much better. I only realized that June was a month of academic texts because I was writing and reflecting so much. I can track the days again even as someone who lives at home in my room all day everyday. I can remember February 13 when I started serializing my fiction works at the time. This serialization lasted until April 27. In previous journal entries, I may said that it ended in May, but that is not the case. 

May was a month of making sense of things because this was the month that I started pushing myself in my self-documentation process, culminating to the point that I got sick mid-May. I remember that I was struggling much in this time, likely because of delayed burnout from serialization, which I ended due to increased stress. My primary computer also got broken on the same day as my sickness, as the sickness likely occurred because of my attempts to stay up to fix the computer. I have been using my mother's laptop since May 28 until now.

February, March, and April were fiction writing months, so I did not exactly do anything else during that time. The fact that I lasted 74 days is impressive, given that June with only 30 days is already a lot to take in in terms of development.


July 01, 01:01:01 – July 01, 01:57:46
Shifting Online Consumption: Prioritizing Youtube Comments Over Videos and Forum Culture


You know what's interesting. I do not watch videos for the most part on Youtube. Recently, I've just been going to videos to read the comments, and when I do watch videos, I usually just play music in the background. It is not that I do not watch Youtube videos at all, as I do watch Youtube Shorts, probably 20 a day. But I usually just watch the first few minutes of a non-Shorts video and just look at the comments. This has been a unique change in my consumption, as this shows that I no longer find value in videos themselves as a whole. I only play the video for a few minutes at most because it contextualizes things, by which point, I will have understood the video already due to my extensive experience in watching videos. So I do not finish videos, and I read the comments for the most part, finding that there is still much value to be found.

This only leads me to the question, "Why don't I visit forums, besides Reddit, and other places that might stimulate interesting discussion?" Well, I think the main reason has to be with the eclectic character of Youtube comments, as despite their mainstream nature, they also offer respite from the now-boring world that videos tend to portray, instead bringing value that a video would not otherwise have by sharing their perspectives and their ways of approaching a particular topic, life, the world, and everything. Even if I do not see the entirety of their lives in their comments, I do get an important glimpse that can be more verified as legit because they are less likely to be putting on an elaborate use like a Redditor might do. Youtube comments are the overflow of people's thoughts, ideas, and dreams, depending on the person, and this variation among individuals is part of the pattern recognition that I develop for reading comments as well. I am not saying that Reddit does not offer much, but the culture is vastly different, making using it as a way to understand people's faster thoughts weaker. Reddit is full of people who are trying to take things seriously, and their language offers such an experience. However, that also means they are less likely to represent the common person, not that Youtube comments are an accurate way of defining the comment person. But Reddit is even more so particular, so while it does offer a look into particular kinds of people, it is highly limited as a medium through which to understand the mainstream person, because even if people do not always comment on Youtube, they are more likely to post brief comments on Youtube videos than they are to create a Reddit account and take the time to develop their karma points and really have this persona that is to their aims.

I love comments from websites that do not focus on comments and focus on content; mainly because comments are going to be less pretentious, picky, and characteristic of someone who is not the kind of person you will meet everyday. Reddit is a place where the main point is to forum and share one's thoughts, often centered around a particular game, activity, or topic. Now that may seem like it focuses on content, but not necessarily. The weight of focus on Reddit is toward posts and comments much, much more, because the first thing that people see when they visit the subreddit is an insular environment dedicated to people writing a lot of words, even if for a content they enjoy. So in general, websites where content is very much the focus and comments are more so supplementary are more likely to offer a wide range of opinions that Reddit alone might not encompass. The comments need to mentioned barely, such that if one was not consciously looking for them, they would not really find them and only go to the next page of a particular content on a website. This is why Goodreads, despite being a book-reading platform, can be dangerous because it is much more similar to Reddit in that people share their thoughts on books with much more gusto and sophistication (due to a lot more chance for visibility and longer word count). In platforms where it is not about showing off a profile with books, sharing with friends, and writing long reviews of books, then the comments will be lot more organic because they do comment less with the mindset of a Redditor or a Goodreads profile. They comment sometimes based on just plain randomness or whim. Youtube comments are the best example of this, where comments are rewarded not for just being commented like it would be in Twitter, but rewarded for being liked such that it reaches the top of the comment section. This incentivizes people not to comment rage bait in the comments because they would just end up at the bottom of the comment section. They are rewarded for being supportive, sharing their perspectives, or for criticizing out particular concerns which many commenters share, whether in agreement or disagreement with the video. So even if Youtube comments can be quite visible compared to smaller sites due to its algorithmic and high popularity, the culture of comments is much different compared to Reddit, because of the way comments are presented and rewarded. It is not Youtube comments that create videos that rage-bait people. It is the Youtube videos, and Youtube has been very effective in making it easier for people to find content they prefer, instead of getting videos from the extreme opposite side of the political spectrum everyday.

In light of all of this, while I have been critical of Youtube commenters, I have not been critical of Youtube itself with the way it has presented the comment section. It can take conscious effort to locate comments that are trollish and irrelevant, and in general, normal people are much less alienated, whereas Internet trolls and irrelevant comments are brought low. I have seen all kinds of people on Youtube, while Reddit offers a glimpse into people who have the patience and time to write down longer comments, which puts them at a vastly fringy part of the scope of the everyday person. If Youtube comments encompass the scope of particular kinds of people, then Reddit is even more notorious for that, as many memes have pointed out the "Redditor" as a staple of Internet culture. "Youtuber" is definitely a particular stable, but Youtube comments are so eclectic that it is harder to say "Youtube commenter" and feel that that person is similar to every other. Moreover, Youtuber usually refers to the early years of Youtube, where the Youtuber identify was much more unified. Nowadays, people are categorized based on the content they make, like "drama channels," "gameplay", ect. Reddit offers different subreddits, and each one is different. But as mentioned earlier, it does have a tendency to engage in longer discussions that normal people would not. I saw so many comments that offered perspectives that I have not seen even after having befriended hundreds of people in my life. I have many times thought that these people are strange. However, this is only the case if they attempt to represent something that exists in reality as opposed to something that is a digital production or something that is consumed digitally rather than physically. If it is a digital community, then they are not misrepresenting any real-life equivalent, because the "normal person" in this digital case would be more likely a commenter, though I do believe that Youtube videos are more likely to hold the directions to comments made by the majority of people. I have seen comments where it is just one short sentence, but they comment on these videos with only 10,000 views. So it is easier to find a organic sense with these comments because they can be seen everywhere, even in the smallest videos, thus indicating that Youtube comments really focuses on people expressing themselves out of the blue without any intention of collating their comments such that they can develop this persona like in Reddit. So I would never find those comments if I never found those very tiny videos, making them much more believable and organic.

I cannot click on those comments from smaller videos and see a list showing their history as a Youtube commenter, because Youtube does not feature that. So those comments will be forever stuck as nameless anonymous individuals with a small message stuck to those videos that might never be seen again or by the broader community, leading to much more credibility in terms of being organic. That is one key reason for the contradistinction between Youtube commenters and Redditors.

What is interesting that in these aforementioned smaller sites that focus on content rather than comments, one can sometimes find people that retain habits from the previous era. In particular, the use of emoticons and the style of writing can hint at a person from the early 2010s, so some people can retain such styles because they are not exposed to popular algorithms that feature comments representing the current trends. It can be likened to how writing is much slower than speaking, but no longer is this solely the case. Writing is still slower, but even within writing in the Internet, there can be contradistinctions between comments with respect to current trends of style and communication and comments from smaller sites where commenters, if kept apart from the trends, can retain habits that demonstrate that even within writing, now in the Internet, there can be people who take longer to abandon older styles of writing even 10 years later.

In short, online writing is the new form of speaking in the speaking v. writing dynamic of changes, trends, styles, and conventions.

Moreover, there is a Youtube comment writing style, or a set of writing styles that are consistent with each other. People who write the way they talk in real life are not always going to make sense to people reading Youtube comments, because communication has been standardized in the Internet, especially in Youtube. This means the loss of linguistic nuances, but it also means much more accessibility. People who have particular ways of talking that might have reflected the early 2010s might find themselves alienated if they are not exposed to broader trends of communication styles. People who are new to the Internet (potentially due to growing up having minimal access to phones they can use personally all day everyday) but have been able to adjust relatively quickly to technological devices can find themselves alienated as well initially. 

For instance, I embody both the Gen Z person who is relatively new to having my own personal computer and phone and also having been part of the early 2010s in the early Internet. While I have used computers since I was a child, it was only recently, particularly in 2021 when I got my personal computer, that I started using the computers much much more and by extension the Internet. It was around 2019 that I got my current personal Huawei phone, which was much better than my older phones that could barely use the Internet effectively, though I was using my mother's more modern phone as well at the time. In conclusion, it was only in 2019 (16 years old) and 2021 (18 years old) that I got personal access to the Internet. In prior years, I took turns with my siblings using the family computer, which became two and three at several points. This meant that my consumption in the Internet was very insular and surface-level, which made it so that I represented the the normal person much more because most people do not had personal phones that they could use in a personal room with a personal computer even now. This makes the Internet a much more esoteric place to them, but it allows them to focus on content that appeals them without questioning things too much, searching the Internet much, or interacting with people in forums much, if at all. 

This is also related to the Youtube style of speaking in videos. 


July 01, 02:26:43 – July 01, 02:53:53
Critiquing External Knowledge Systems (Obsidian, Notion) vs. Internal Cognitive Structuring via Journaling


I get it. I can understand why people love applications like Obsidian. It is definitely a valid way to organize information, though I am afraid that it teaches people to make connections more than making actual quality content. However, that might be specific to each person rather, so depending on the person, they might be more likely to prefer a smaller mind map with fewer notes that are much more filled and high-quality in terms of providing a strong, concise, and structured essay that presents a particular idea or set of intersecting ideas: or they may fall into the trap of mind-mapping and not actually make quality content.

Now the reason I am wary of Obsidian is that I see journals as a much more effective form of organizing information because for one, it teaches a person to rely on within-text structure, coherence, conciseness, and clarity rather than on external organizations that would not be relevant for the person reading them in PDF. I prefer chronological journaling that includes essays and keywords that one can search through the file or through a folder with the help of applications like Visual Studio Code. Afterwards, if I want it to be much more organized, I would use LaTeX (PDF) or a website to present the content. Learning the skills required to create PDFs and develop a website can make presentation much more stylistic and standard, because for them most part, the websites ("wiki", "knowledge base", "documentation", and "digital garden") Notion and Obsidian offer are not generally standard as well. Now that does not mean that they were not useful, as their inclusion can be beneficial for those that know that their audience is willing to read these commonplace wikis and documentation websites. In conclusion, while I understand the preference toward Notion and Obsidian, I also point out its potential insular and anchored nature, as the content is externally attached to these applications rather than more organically structured such as that in a simple, long markdown or plain text file that is structured internally rather than be external constraints and dividers, which will not be relevant for the reader viewing them.

This is why I urged my younger brother not to delight in the idea of buying Scrivener. No one should be attached to a particular writing application such that they cannot find themselves engaging in any other. No one should rely upon a subscription-service drawing application such that they deprive themselves of funds that they can use for other essential things. No one should anchor themselves to any particular tool that they lose their sense of self because of it. They should be adaptive, and they should build infrastructures around particular tools with a degree of vigilance, independence, and well-roundedness.

One should rather suffer getting used to novel tools and learning to expand their ability to adapt rather than look for that one perfect tool and be done with everything else such that they become close-minded, insular, stuck, anchored, self-referential, and stagnant.

Always be open to switching to a different application, and never see anything as too perfect to fall. A human mind cannot be constrained by a single application alone, as he will be in want of a well-rounded set of tools that will benefit him in the longer run: rather than relying on one that leaves him devastated if he loses access to it or finds that it disappoints him after investing so much insularly into it.

Treat everything and everyone as subject to revision and change or discardable (or temporary with respect to a person). Never live life thinking that things will not change, and if things change, do not resist it without considering it and discovering firstly why others appreciate it. There is much to gain in open seeking, because even if one is stable and has found a sense of safety, there is no true safety in stagnation, complacency, and in staying in one place for too long. There is a limit to everything, and sooner or later, one will have to shift in response to gaining a better understanding of issues, concerns, complexities, details, and nuances.

In ever-simple phrasing, better to suffer now in grit in a single short term period than in the long-term encompassing many different periods of life.

If applications that offer flexibility make up the majority of one's tools, then that is most effective at taming the changing individual. Having only a few specialized tools is optimal.

In regard to arguments that Markdown and plain text are tools just like Obsidian is, plain text is not really a matter of tool attachment necessarily, because it is highly flexible. If we extend this discussion to the broader level, then one might argue that computers are tools to which people get attached, but that is not necessarily the case. Computers are highly flexible and are used for many different uses and reasons. However, it is the case that computers, while effective as part of daily life, does not solve all issues by themselves, though that is often considered a given. Returning to Obsidian, the reason I am wary of it is that because it is more specialized in organizing things within a particular external system which can be used to collate notes, it can also lead to a success in systematization but a lack of effect in peer-refinement, consumption (like due to format issues such as not being in PDF or easy text format), actualization, practical application, and broader useability. It can be related to the bureaucracy's perceived shortcomings of being too slow and spending too much logistical, political, and legislative deliberation over matters where time is of the essence.

The Plain Text format can feel daunting for those in want of organizational and systemization skills in their writing. However, those who admit of the recognizition that it is through refining writing skills that create effective writers rather than relying on external organizations to make content look both visually organizationally sophisticated and accessible, but not necessarily in-depth from focused long-reading and writing, are the ones that end up reaching the threshold of academic excellence. Those who can write such that they are effective at organizing their information into a whole 300-page book, while still being open to newer tools, are often more flexible academics than those who rely on external tools to give a mere sense of sophistication, comprehensive intelligence, and accessibility.


July 01, 03:39:12 – July 01, 05:25:38
The Tension Between Rational Writing and Rational Living; Academic Focus vs. Fiction


Just because my writings are rational does not mean that my way of living is rational.

That is something that I've recently been contemplating. I recognize that in the current progress of devoting much effort into the analysis of my life in precise and comprehensive written detail, I am also wary of the pitfalls of what that lifestyle entails. There are many people that have experienced hardships, not as a result of their lack of written knowledge, but as a result of factors whereof they did not take into account due to their preoccupation with their studies and knowledge-building activities.

To expand this in greater detail, let me start by saying that I do appreciate and stand in awe and wonder with respect to the grand capacity of a person in devoting themselves to the typically strenuous activities of knowledge acquisition. However, I do share a wariness as to whether or not such a lifestyle can be managed without self-destruction, and done without the deterioration of the soul in the process, such that even with particular levels of intellectual (and emotional-intellectual) growth, he may consider himself impervious (stable) to the impinging factors whereof the world is full. It is a challenging effort for a person to determine themselves of proper nature that they can eschew particular patterns of thought, if with sufficient care, they might readily create something that would stand as a fortress; or even without the intention therefrom to make long-lasting structures, they may consider themselves, at least, even with the words spoken, carefully-managed. I mention all of these in respect also to my current predisposition toward fiction, as someone who has been tearing through the cognitive walls that have shaped my upbringing wherefrom I have lost connections and memories. It is like navigating a tight corridor, but with the help of my non-fiction academic propulsions, I have developed a significant base of knowledge whereby I destroy these corridors. In any case, I do not see fiction with an agreeable stance, having lost a sense of connection with the gamified structures that were oft-prevalent in my early years that gamified occupations like fishing, crafting, delivering, selling, stocking, and cutting trees. Altogether, influenced by 
    academic texts and writing, I stand with a sense of forbearance toward fiction writing.

Fisherman, Fast Food Worker, Hairdresser, Mechanic, Pizza Baker, Delivery Person, Seller, Stocker, Cashier, Woodcutter, Janitor, and Miner.



July 01, 05:25:34
Aphoristic Reflections on the World's Cruelty and Maintaining Self


The world is a cruel place to live, and the only thing that is important is maintaining a sense of self through it all.

That is the reason for the fall of mankind, and it became so at the beginning of all of these things. And I do not know why this has to happen, or whether or not it is real or surreal.

I have spent much in comtemplation, and I have learned of the many things that plague the person.

There are hundreds of ways that a person can be, whether or not it is true or detestable or something to be considered and desired.

I have many ways of experiencing a whole new Nirvana, and I recognize the challenges of maintaining a sense of self throughout it all.

The world is true from the start, and hundreds of people would say something similar. Of course, they would; they recognize that this entire world is a farce, and that there are too many people that have to be considered in the entire process of recollection, whether or not it is of defined paramters or jurisdictionary boundary-determinations.

The world remains fallen, and there are hundreds of people who would consider the very challenges inherent of life to be apparently so.

The world remains to be such, that if a man ate bread and went outside for a drink, he would not realize it, but he was already dead.


July 01, 05:25:42
Poetic Call to Self-Determination and Seeking Revelation Amidst Cruelty


Tell the World

What you feel

Determine that there is a path forward

What you are is not what you will be.

Retain sensibility.

Become what is not there, and listen to whatever is non-apparent, that one may guarantee a fuller exploration of determination and truth. 

Truth be told: hundreds of y’all remain to be limited in your precepts that your minds fall short beforehand. Let us all be gathered that we may feast in revelations.

The world is a cruel place, and I recognize that with vivid detail.


July 01, 05:25:45
Querying the Use of "Occupation" as Preoccupation


Can occupation be used like this:
"His occupation with chess in his later years has been one of recent interest among academics."


July 01, 05:32:04
Re-Evaluating Fiction's Role Amidst Empirical Focus and Academic Study


I perceive much value in fiction, yet in my attempts to ensure that I can make sense of it all, I feel that I have lost the essence of my rationale, which was the reason for my earliest fiction writings in the first place, which was to go beyond that of a physical world and to, in recognition of the fiction media that I've enjoyed and consumed, create fictional worlds in response, demonstrating a deep-seated need to consider life beyond the physical realm.

Now as an adult and with my newfound exploration in studying academic texts and writing detailed reflections, the fictional world has been recently lost on me, at least in feeling, and instead of the physical realm merely, I am now battling the empirical realm, whereof I have gained a much fuller understanding with my studies. Yet I recognize still that fiction is something upon which I have to contemplate with the express aim of turning all of these newfound knowledge, experiences, and syntheses, I may tread the waters and paths of fiction again and develop productive in a creative capacity beyond the structures and personalization of analytical ideas and concepts, but that of the construction of narrative and storytelling, beyond the mere efficacy of words in producing a vivid metaphor as part of an analysis, but in the essence of fiction writing itself as fiction.


July 01, 07:02:16 – July 01, 07:10:28
Contemplating a More Analytical Approach to Future Fiction Writing


It is weird because in my mind, it is possible for a human being to create great works; however, for some reason, I find it challenging to imagine myself writing a fiction story recently, even if I have already written plenteous works and even wrote one up to 200,000 words. For the month of June 2024, a period full of studying academic texts and writing detailed analyses and reflections, I have spent much time already deliberating about a more analytical process to life, thus considering extending this process to the management of my fiction stories and potentially the creation of them as well.

I have never been one to outline and plan my stories, because I believe that stories are best done when nothing easily makes sense. However, I also recognize if I can outline and plan my stories, then it will be easier to document the process much better and explain decision-making throughout the story and be able to justify based on analyses. I imagine that based on my writings, I will likely write at 200,000 to 500,000 words of analyses, planning, notes, and deliberation in regard to a fiction story if it was around 100,000 words. This means that I believe that most of my journey will be spent in much analysis, whether that of numerous stories I've read, the numerous stories I've written, classical literature, academic texts, and many other resources that can contribute to a precise, comprehensive, and well-rounded framework. With this framework, I will write the actual fiction story and see how the story can be deliberated to its fullest such that when it is finally written, there is no want in cohesion, consistency, structure, comprehensiveness, precision, and concision.

This will be a vastly different process than if I was writing without such deliberation, but even without such a framework, my recent efforts and improvements in analytical writing and studying academic texts have an impact already in how I intuit scenes, characterizations, plotlines, and complexities within a narrative. So it does not have to be clear-cut change, as I can focus on an organic approach to reaching the level of framework sophisticated whereof I have spoken.

[REDACTED]


July 01, 07:17:40 – July 01, 07:19:20
Poetic Musings on Finding Purpose and Peace Amidst Danger


The world is a cruel place, mitigating by those who intend on distributing among themselves a sense of place and purpose that they might emerge like doves in the air in the midst of a dangerous time: what they are today is now what they are tomorrow.

A person is only as valuable as he is capable of recognizing that within him lies a soul that goes beyond tomorrow, if he might exhibit within himself a sense of purpose and a sense of peace, that in all of these things, he is validated and secured, not as a part of a progeny, but as one who is so blinded by everything unseen that when the time comes, he will have found a sense of purpose.


July 01, 07:31:29 – July 01, 07:43:47
Reconsidering Personal Wikis (Anytype) as a Subsequent Step to Foundational Plain Text Mastery



I was criticizing Notion and Obsidian earlier, but I'm starting to think that such a personal wiki might actually be useful. It is not that I did not want to create a wiki or database where everything about my existence is stored, but more so that I was wary of people that relied too much on Obsidian, because I felt that even if it was not necessarily vendor lock-in, it still presented the dangers of relying on an app solely in order to organize, categorize, structure, and synthesize recorded knowledge. Learning to write solely with one's wit, in the sense that one has taken their aims far and wide that their mere writing alone is sufficient to declare them of excellent production, is of vital importance. It is that kind of writing that, despite the use of a plain text, can even dare to overwhelm those who seek to systemize their lives such that they cannot find themselves separate from their own bureaucratic systems and are unable to create a path for themselves beyond such instances of external compartmentalization. If one is to determine by themselves the clause-adhering knot of complex systems in an ever-evolving world, it would begin firstly by one's capacity to deconstruct and disassemble hitherto-Leviathan (or monoliths that pose a significant barricade for those seeking to slither through the gaps and unlock more than just a simple note and reach into the hidden portions of nuance and complexity) systems. Secondly, it would traverse down the valley roads, where many men, wagons, and other camps have fallen prey, where all things can be murky, but in this initial murkiness of deconstruction, there is much to gain through the refinement of adaptation of the mind, that the groanings of the might be tempered for the sake of efficiency, such that emotional intelligence is obtained. If one can grit their teeth through the sorrows of the valley, where purpose has been shredded and made to be dismayed, then the next portion of the journey will now commence. Thirdly, with this now-trinity of steps, reaching beyond the steps and uphill paths that lead to providence and considerable weight in mechanical distributions of weight systems (metaphorically referring to how a man, who has gone through the valleys of growth, is made to undergo then the next stage of systemization, that he might gain a profit from the wreckage he had initialized) is a must. Fourthly and finally, the World, or the Leviathan or monolith that was deconstructed at the start, that would have stayed to be a blockage for those seeking refuge in a more divine level of knowledge, that beyond their feelings of mortality and intellectual stagnation (that of enlightened or critical thinking), is now underneath our feet, as we now move forward into victorious land.

Anyway, to recap, in light of the greatness of plain text writing as a distributed symbol within the intellectual realm (which does more than just the first and second stage of deconstruction in the foregoing extended metaphor and is a master of all), I do recognize that wikis would be a more comprehensive and systematic next stage to my plain text journaling. 

Specifically, the application "Anytype", that, even without a reliance upon mind maps and connection-making like Obsidian, can create for themselves significant production of systemization (that which denotes the third stage in the extended metaphor), which is observed also in "Notion." In contrast with Notion, since Anytype is offline, this is an offering of opportunity for me, as I have struggled with dealing with cloud-based note-taking applications. So I hope to explore this as a subsequent step in journey of contributions to my autobiography-journal, the practical-active definition of which can be expanded to include sophistications that Anytype offers beyond that which a plain offers plentily already.


July 01, 08:01:00 – July 01, 08:11:06s

The Synthesizing Power of Chronological Journaling vs. External Wiki Structures


The interesting thing about writing for me and why I still now prefer journaling as the superior form of synthesis is because I am limited by the scope of the chronological character of journaling such that instead of writing something and being done with it, I allow myself instead to synthesize previous knowledge and put them together in future journal entries. It can easy to have everything be organized such that each topic has an entire space for it specifically; however, it can be even more beneficial if I am operate within a tight space where all kinds of information share space, and the only distinction is a journal datetime between entries. This permits me to refine my organizational and structuring skills in writing and develop my intellectual synthesizing that goes beyond reviewing older entries and older written knowledge but recognizes primarily the potential for a synthesis of mind that is not limited to reviewing older works but can be carried beyond journal entries and insular spaces for each topic. This single space requires finesse that only someone who has mastered the limitations presented by the chronological scope of journal datetime, such that they are capable of talking about compartmentalizing, organizing, and structuring their very palace of cognition such that in all events and cases, as long as they have a simple plain text with datetime dividers, they can launch themselves into the stratosphere in terms of synthesis. These writings are not bogged down by sophisticated external dividers and partitions, so they write by mastery and not by the supplementations of meshes to circumscribe the writing sphere.

This focuses on creating the world inside my head, such that everywhere I go, as long as I have a clean slate, I can work my way into everything. However, let me make more nuance this discussion by pointing out the following, which is a counterpart to, or more accurately, a mutual supporter of, journaling. This counterpart would be complex systems. Specifically, learning to adapt to complex systems, such as those that note-taking, personal wiki applications like Anytype offer, presents its own challenge and opportunity for growth and superimposition. If one can superimpose their very writing upon a system, they can train their skills to be readily admissible to any framework or system of thought with ease, as they are not bounded by the conception of a clean slate and relate themselves to various myriad idea-complexes that would otherwise remain isolated and insular. It is my duty to go ahead and morph myself upon them, superimposing the weight of my mastery, slithering through the gaps that I may insert myself into every and all corners and portions of the fabric, if I might completely undermine the confusion of monoliths. This is the stage of deconstruction, as it is no more a construction, but that which I control with the ease of real-time strategy game player and the precision of a doctor laureate.


July 01, 08:19:24 – July 01, 08:21:55
Fictional Snippet: A Paranoid Narrator's Manifesto ("Dog Eat Man")


I have spent much of time contemplating to the effect of creating devices that may or may not explode at any given moment. My heart pulsated, giving me momentary pause in my abrupt and quick thoughts which spun and swerved without abating, like a man who had five bags, each of which could detonate at any time. No, that was not just a metaphor. That would soon be my reality. I live in a tyrannical world, where men are forced to eat meat in the morning and women are made to eat pastries. I understand that may be difficult to understanding, so let me break it down. Dog Eat Man. I hope those Key Words were sufficient to unlocking your innate understanding. If not, you are an AI (Robot). You are not human. Only humans like me can get the wake-up call from that phrase, and when I tried it on many of my previous friends and family members, they would just look at me with confusion. However, I have a friend, and I am visiting him now, in hopes that we deliver the justice to the fighters and to the people that we loved. We care about Bill Cosby and other free thinkers who saw the religious world we lived in and declared that it was garbage. All these religions, even the atheists, are all the same.

Dogs were plenty-yummy in the days. That was what I was told by my friend, who was still S.A.N.E at the time. I had all the methodologies intact. I call them my meds. They were incredibly helpful, systematically important in distributing my awareness. I made sure to inject them as carefully as possible. 

If Mom saw me, what would she say?


July 01, 08:23:44
Meta-Reaction: Questioning the Sanity of the "Dog Eat Man" Narrator


is he crazy? What is "Dog Eat Man"?

He sounds crazy here:
'Dogs were plenty-yummy in the days. That was what I was told by my friend, who was still S.A.N.E at the time. I had all the methodologies intact. I call them my meds. They were incredibly helpful, systematically important in distributing my awareness. I made sure to inject them as carefully as possible. '

the random use of acronyms just screams "insane nutjob" to me.


July 01, 08:44:12 – July 01, 08:52:21
The Painful Resonance of Beauty: Triggered Memories and the Drive for Self-Documentation


I guess when feelings have not been communicated yet, it can be much easier to say that one hates something even if one actually loves it but has found it difficult to conciliate conflicting thoughts. However, even if one is aware of it to some degree, sometimes, it is easier to say to something that is beautiful and immersive, "I hate it." It can be challenging to reflect upon the inevitabilities of certain things and dissatisfaction at the end of the day in regard to the complexities and nuances required to tackle a challenge.

For example, inside of me, I feel this anger and frustration that translates as "hatred" whenever I see beautiful and immersive things that remind of me of all my previous attempts and failures at trying to make sense of life and do the right thing. When I look at the beauty of this one video of a beautiful mountain range with trees with ambient music playing, I feel this frustration and anger that I just want to communicate as hatred, even if that is not really the case. I just feel like it has been too long. I have spent such a long time trying to make sense of things and put things together. While I have achieved much recently in making sense of things, that does not change the fact that every now and then, when I look at such beautiful things, I do feel a faint ache.

They remind me of how much I wanted to believe, do the right thing, and be able. I wanted so much to grasp things and really make things awesome like I hoped and believed. I was an optimistic person growing up, even if things could be difficult at times. I experiences so much vastness, richness, beauty, fun, and awesomeness that any time I look at a beautiful thing nowadays, it reminds of all of that unresolved nature of my life. I see so many beautiful things everyday, but it can be hard not to feel frustrated, given that I have always looked to these as sources of inspiration moving forward, only to have failed many times. It has given me a sense that everything that I know has disappointed and lied to me. But I still believe and trust. I still am optimistic. Deep down, inside, I know I still can see the vast, rich forest metaphorically symbolizing my life. I see the beauty, but it hurts.

I an angry at myself, and that is the reason I have learned and improved so much over the last several years. I have spent so much just to make sure that everything in my soul is written down. I wanted to write down everything at least, and that is why I am writing almost 7,000 words a day on average for the last month. I have done so much in addressing concerns, issues, potential solutions, and complex, nuanced considerations and refining my frameworks and methodologies. It has been very productive, and I am happy about that.

However, internally, ingrained into my psyche are all of those times of dismantled, frustrated hope. I have lost my way, and in that loss, I have regained myself. But the embers and vestiges of that time remain within my spirit, reminding me everyday of what I have to achieve. I am reminded through those beautiful things, whether images, videos, or music.

"I have to keep going," is what I say or feel upon this kind of reflection.

I feel like I can cry over so many things, and I can write down so many things as well. I guess crying is a good thing, and writing things down helps a lot.

I remember so much beauty, and I cannot deny that. I remember the beautiful anime that I watched, such as Radiant, The Ancient Magus' Bride, and Promised Neverland (the first season), the beautiful stories I've read over the years, the rain at many points of my life in many places I've been, and many more. It never ends.

Even within my imaginations, I feel this great passion and drive to see all of these beautiful imagined things actualized in writing.

This is why I have spent so much time writing that I may reach a point where it becomes easy to analyze every media I've consumed. For now, however, I will cross the bridge when I get there. I have already made many lists of many different media.

For now, I will focus on writing what I can and refining my framework of mind, writing, and self-documentation.

This is how I cope with the vestiges of frustration that I still carry with regard to those beautiful things and my perceived shortcomings in not being able to achieve it or make it make sense such that I could say I was able, I did the right thing, and that I tried my best.

I see so much beauty in my memories. I see so much that deserve to be written down.

I know that I cannot do much in containing everything, and the only thing I can do is write all about making sense of things, even if it ends up just sounding like a parrot. But I hope that with everything that I feel and everything that I feel that I have not addressed being translated into words, I may be free somehow, if that even makes sense or is possible. Based on my memories, there are myriad definitions, complexities, and nuances of the word "free" due to so many experiences. I can still see vast lands in my mind through my memories and imagination.


July 01, 09:13:15 – July 01, 09:42:45
Fiction: Ronald Jenkins's Last Stand and Rebirth in a Fantasy World


I will become the manifestation of all things, and in the midst of that painful arbitration, my heart will long for justice.

I shall create all things firstly, but before that, let me look around. 

I stood at the side of a gate, turning from left to right. You see, I was here on a mission, and my foregoing statement is one that I have adopted for the purpose of massacring my enemies with a resolute mindset, if I may thus destroy the unneeded waste littered throughout my land. I long to cleanse this world of these metaphorical barbarians, but oh, they are indeed wasteful!

So for context, my name is Ronald Jenkins. I grew up in 1822, and while growing up, I saw all kinds of people, having been raised in a cosmopolitan environment. Now I will not say what I have undergone, but I do recognize that my location would be crucial information. In any case, let me leave things incomplete. But before that, let me mention that at 27 years old, I started realizing that the very character posed by the Masserts was inefficient and even destructive. I will not say specifically what they have done that I perceive to be wrong and deserving removal. But I have began preparing in hopes that my brain can cater to myself a sense of peace, that I may destroy all things that dare call me a lost cause.

Now, I am at the aforementioned gate, preparing to join my fellow men. We had gotten to know each other as members of a lodge. We hope to destroy the murderers of our hopes and dreams.

Let me hurry. My footsteps were first before me, so I got noticed. I backed away, dodging a gun shot. It was my heart that escaped the shot, so I knew that this beating heart would keep fighting for me.

I ran, joining my fellow men in raising our guns.

"Deliver fire!" We shot with our souls, our bullets penetrating with cleansing ease.

We have cleansed the first wave of barbarians. Go!

We ran from tree to tree, toppling down the cannons that have been unprepared for this occasion. We are mere hunters, or so they thought. We are divine messengers of God, and the following is the DECREE bestowed upon us: "Eliminate all members of the enemy group."

It did not matter who these people were or how their histories made them. The only thing that mattered in this political war was TRUTH.

They would not admit it was a war. They would say it was a fight among the same men of similar ideals.

I know it, I know it! I will not let them!

I popped them in the head.

But my fellows were faster, slicing them apart, as we were not afforded the providence of close quarters and closer and tighter spaces.

Now it was time to commit justice.

I slashed them with my ugly hand, breaking them in the back and crushing them by the legs. My legs tossed them, my hand coming in with a raging bull–like swing, slamming them away.

But we had to back away at the sound of cannons and a parade of gun shots. They were going to kill us all! I thought we had them cornered!

I shouted, "Run bastards, run you foolish dull men!"

However, I knew that in order for my men to escape, I had to recognize firstly that we were human and secondly that we were all going to die one day.

So I patiently surmised my existence and recognized the different quarters of this death field, where I expected to lay moments from now.

"Ha," I laughed. The same voice ringing again.

Let me aim my entirety.

I shot them and fell to the ground.

My body widened as the scenery grew more tense, and I think my fellow men later failed to escape the violence. 

In the end, we waged a patriotic war against the lost causes that had run through our souls and lands.

And we...

***

He woke up on green grass. He looked around and saw a vast verdant land full of riches. He knew it was so.

He was alive.

He looked and touched his face, this time with much more gusto. "What! I'm alive!" he screamed and shouted, knowing that he had been given a second chance by God.

But he was worried. "Where is the gate?" he said. "Where is..."

He feared that he was not in heaven like he hoped. "He appears as an angel. I must be wary."

Meanwhile, a giant stared at him in the distance, surprised that a little one would appear this early. They usually came once every few months in this exact spot, sometimes appearing only seconds away from each other.

After his death in the fight on Earth, Ronald Jenkins was now in a fantasy world. His life had been moved here by God.


July 01, 09:35:13
Meta-Critique: Analyzing the Stylistic Shift in the Ronald Jenkins Story


why did the author choose this particular style for the opening. I notice that he tones down the language and makes it a lot more straightforward in the fantasy world, but it seems that he chose to be incredibly literary with his portrayal of his disjointed viewpoint going through such an intense decision and fight.


July 01, 09:44:27
Fiction Writing as a Personal Choice Primarily for Authorial Benefit


The problem about writing fiction is that there is often no wrong answer anymore. It is more so that it depends on whether one thinks that writing fiction benefits him. It should the benefit of the author firstly. If the author is not benefitting from writing fiction and could find satisfaction in reading academic texts and engaging in fiction through reading and watching, then that is alright.

Fiction writing should be a personal choice.


July 01, 09:55:34 – July 01, 10:07:10
Nostalgia Triggered by Dragon City: Longing for Early 2010s Simplicity and Community


Fuck... I'm nostalgic again. I listened to background music of this Facebook game I played called "Dragon City." I played it in the early 2010s. I hate the fact that I genuinely feel like this viewpoint that I had during the time made everything so awesome, fun, optimistic, and great.

Maybe I really was happier back then. I was a part of communities, and I was playing with my siblings all day, having fun. Now that we are older, our priorities and viewpoints have evolved and been forced out of their cocoons. I feel so sad for my younger siblings and how certain life events have forced them to mature.

I do not want to go back, but I have to remember the past and reflect in order to learn, grow, and document. It is hard.

Certain fictional stories that I enjoyed several years ago represent that desire for vastness, richness, excitement, and community again like it was in the early 2010s. 

Our innocence and purities were crushed and tossed away like dirty rags. That is what it feels like.

I wish I could still look at the world that way. RPG video games do represent that feeling, does it not?

That viewpoint of just collecting rewards and completing missions sounds so easy.

If only the world was that simple, but alas, the complexities and nuances are beautiful as well. It is just that I wish I could look at the world with simple, relaxed eyes while still reaping the benefits of a wealth of growth, knowledge, and experiences.

I've lived so many lives, it feels like. I have experienced and learned so many things that feel like I have lived too long, like I'm an immortal full of vastness and richness of life. I see this wide forest in front of me metaphorically still, and it is my past.

I can continue to imagine and analyze, making sense of things and delving into imagination and stories. Oh, how I wish I could analyze everything that I've felt, all my previous viewpoints and ways of feeling and looking at the world and its vastness, richness, and individual emotions, and everything that I've experienced and seen.

It feels like even if I write and study much, I still have so much that I have not addressed. I feel like it might take millions of words of addressing everything before I feel even just a bit satisfied.

[REDACTED]


July 01, 10:28:46 – July 01, 10:42:15
Against Diaristic Logs and Rigid Wikis: Advocating for Synthesizing, Pluralistic Journaling


There is a crucial reason why I am careful about writing down for the sake of writing down what I did in a day. Now that is productive and even very useful for future documentation, but for the most part, bloating one's journal with what I did today does not lead to comprehensive and precise documentation. It is better instead to write with the intention of refining one's capacity for synthesis, reflection, and deep engagement with ideas as opposed to mere listing out of vague, generic feelings and what I did on a particular day. This is why I am also careful about writing down what I felt in response to a video. It is much more organic to focus on methodology rather than to focus excessively and recording a list of the videos I watched everyday, because that can be done easily with my watch history. It is often how I respond to all of these videos even if not explicitly (but connected based on data and time of watching and particular journal entries), that really matters in terms of quality journaling. And these responses can be 10,000 words a day of deep engagement with ideas that do not necessarily have to cover everything. 

In essence, I am wary of the type of diaristic journaling that amounts merely to someone just listing down what they did in a day everyday.

This is also why I do not allow myself to create different categories of information and knowledge because I might start deliberating on discriminating between areas of my life unfairly and start paying attention to "equalizing" things, when reality, journaling should focus on what I can effectively communicate and cover in a day richly, precisely, and comprehensively. I am wary of personal wikis where they categorize areas of one's life or areas of interest or intellectual inquiry and they sort notes to these categories, combining other resources like images and backlinking. That sounds incredibly effective, because Wikipedia is like that. However, just because it is effective for readers does not mean it is effective for journaling. I focus on plain texts, and I do not attempt so much to discriminate information such that I externally categorize, create divisions and partitions, and sort. I do that instead in my synthesizing mind and focus on what my mind is most effective at delving into at a particular time or day. This allows me to focus on accumulation and synthesis of knowledge without the potential for misdirection, too much deliberation and overthinking in terms of organization, and trying to make and draft plans when one has not accumulated much in terms of high-quality content yet. The only time that a wiki would be beneficial is when it is done much after the fact. Wikipedia works because it uses sources from reputed journals and magazines, and the road to reaching this point takes a very long time. Having access to a personal wiki directly sounds like a good idea, until it ends up becoming a crutch to the mind.

Bottom line: it is okay to forget and not have everything sorted out. It is okay to let the mind let go of categories, divisions, and partitions, if it means that it will create newfound original insights and syntheses that such separations can hinder. The brain is most adept when it is allowed to breathe in its own space rather than be forcibly modeled by a personal wiki or database.

In a more nuanced way, definition and structuralism can be very counterproductive basically. Instead, focusing on the non-static nature of definition, structures, categorizations, ideas, and connections is a much more effective way to journal.

Treat everything not as objective truths necessarily (because language is representational rather than actual reality), and open up room for vagueness and ambiguity, if it leads to a more precise, comprehensive, and eclectic reach.

This allows us to focus less on trying to create information that is immediately categorized, locked-in, and assembled and focus on the 'non-ness' of information and how no matter how much it seeks to be 'thisness,' it will always be as 'whatness' as the entire world is full of pluralism. 

Shifting to an anthropological lens, "We are only as much as we are," is a statement I repeat that emphasizes the dynamism of an individual. We are as much as we are, and we can be as much as we intend to be. We can be this and that: we can be many things. We are as much as we are!


July 01, 10:51:08
Brief Atmospheric Note: Doves, Roaring Thunder, and Inescapability


I can see doves moving in the horizon. A deep roar thunders around. I do not think I can escape this.


July 01, 11:01:33
Longing for Obscure Childhood Books: The Challenge of Finding Lost Media


I miss so many children's picture books and teen novels in the early 2000s and some books from the 20th century. I think I want to look back and find them, but I do not know if they still exist. It will be hard to find them likely, as I have probably chosen novels that were not that popular. For one, the "Tomo" graphic novel series, with the first volume being titled "I was An Eighth-grade Ninja", is impossible to find unless one knows the name of one of the volumes and the title of series. There are too many like these.


July 01, 11:04:09
Epigrammatic Expression of Sadness: "I Think It's Me."


"I can hear someone crying.

"I think it's me."


July 01, 11:08:12
The Fear of Confronting Memories While Revisiting Children's Books


I know why I struggle to immerse myself in a children's book. I'm afraid.

All of the memories will come back once I do, and I will not be able to pretend to be a child who is still reading them for the first time and who is ignorant about many complexities and nuances of life, people, society, the world, and everything.


July 01, 12:08:03 – July 01, 12:21:38
Existential Resonance: A Youtube Comment and the Fear of Irretrievable Feelings


I fell into an existential feeling after I saw this one Youtube comment that prompted me for the first time to make efforts to archiving the entire comment thread with the replies. It took 10 to 15 minutes to do it, but I was so struck by it that I had to do it.

The comment, which got 95,000 likes, was "He'll be searching for that feeling again for the rest of his life".

It was in a video about a flock of birds flying next to a fast boat. The passengers placed their hands below one of the birds, which was flying within arm's reach. They carried their bird, effectively moving at the same speed as the flock of birds such that it was like it was still flying.

Thus, especially with the dreamy music, this gave a sense of wonder and awe, but the comment only solidified that, being the top 1 comment in the comment section.

The statement is very existential, especially since the sixth reply to the comment was "How subtley dark, I hope you're doing okay, friend".

It made me realize, given that I was trying my best recently to document my past as precisely and comprehensively as possible, that this feeling that I will never experience something again scares me. It reminded of my past where I now feel that things were much happier and simpler, and I had a much healthier life, with a community, friends, and many activities that formed a well-rounded life.

But most importantly, it was that feeling that the concept of epitomic happiness, satisfaction, fulfillment, or a combination of these—euphoria possibly—was never going to be experienced again.

To expand upon the comment, let me delve into the following several replies.

Another reply says, "He will replicate it with hard drugs leading him down a treacherous path of self destruction".

Another reply says, "He'll spend all of his life savings just to have that feeling! It's all worth it if you ask me!😩 It's all worth it if you ask me!😂💯"

The second most striking reply was, "And he'll never find it. And then one day, he'll wake up and won't even remember what it felt like. Then another day, some years later, he won't even remember what it is that he doesn't remember."

It is not just about euphoria. It is about the sense of community and belong, the feeling of being among friends, the feeling of direction, purpose, hope, measurable goals, optimism, curiosity, vastness, richness, adventurer, open-mindedness, simplicity, humility, exploration, and intrigue, and the feeling of being able to live life to the fullest, even if I might not have realized it at the time due to how immersed I was in my life.

I feel like adults are just broken children. Intellectually, I know that is not necessarily true and only reflects one viewpoint of this reality, but emotionally, intuitively, and psychologically, I feel a great sense of confirmation and empathy based on this notion.

This is why some troubled adults can make decisions that only children would make, but the difference is that they're adults now with much more responsibility and power. So they might look very foolish, addicted, and lost, and those criticisms are correct.

They want to be free, and to get back that feeling again that they remember so well but have lost due to events and changes throughout their life that has led to a sense of permanent displacement that not even relocation or finding new family and friends can fix. This can be compared to the trauma that displacement can cause upon refugees, but the foregoing one is emotional rather than one that leads people to poverty necessarily and is due to war and war-torn geopolitical situations.

Even long after the events have passed, their effects are enduring, and for many, they never reach a sense of closure and reconciliation, only tolerance for their lives and strategic attempts at being happy and productive, which do not reflect their lives pre-trauma and psychological displacement.


July 01, 12:34:51 – July 01, 12:39:16
Linking Personal Independence and Fluid Journaling Philosophies


This is why I believed it was essential for my family to move on and escape each other even for a while, even at the cost of temporary social isolation and limited social contact with each other. 

This also relates to my belief that journaling is best done when it is not done for the sake of creating a personal wiki that an application like Anytype can offer. It is best done when it is out of synthesis and with an organic approach that recognizes that information is hardly objective such that it is not pluralistic and highly dynamic in its definitions, meanings, complexities, and nuances and how they are approached in the real world, even within academia—a post-structuralist world. This is not necessarily going to be post-structuralist in a way that everyone will accept, but the point is to adopt such an approach such that journaling is made with high-quality content in mind that relies upon actual cognitive synthesis rather than that made merely due to external organization partitions and divisions. This way, the person is growing and learning how to manage information within their head>

I believe that letting people be undefined and think for themselves is essential, whether it be in the case of family dynamics where there is newfound need for independent and self-exploration, and in the case of journaling, knowledge analysis and synthesis, and self-documentation.

It would be helpful of course for a family to have a workspace like Notion or Anytype; however, it can be more beneficial sometimes to have individual family members be free from the bondages of the family definition or dynamic if need be. We are only as much as we are, so rather than creating divisions, partitions, and categorizations intended to circumscribe myself and others, it is more beneficial to rely upon the post-structuralist and pluralist character of experience.

I do find that writing precisely and comprehensively about my life is essential moving forward and achieving a greater sense of structure in my life, despite my post-structuralist approach. I do recognize the need to create definitions, create categories, and lists that admit of a greater clarity, purpose, and strive that would otherwise be absent or fleeting in the case of a team dynamic or the dynamic that one displays as a person who has very well documented themselves. A person of integrity is a difficult person to find, but if with enough time, space, resources, motivation, and tools, I may very well be able to achieve such an ideal through my autobiography-journal, which contains the entirety of my life.


July 01, 14:59:52
Brief Cryptic Note on Management and Eating Meat


There are hundreds of things that require a hefty sum of things to manage. If a person eats meat in the morning, then he is filled.


July 01, 15:02:55
The Importance of Deliberating Foundational Details in Practice Establishment


I have spent much of my time writing and developing ways of considering the world. Now there is little to say in regard to how this can be done without deliberating on the details firstly, so it is optimal to consider even the smallest portions of this practice, that a writer might recognize the initial and most important proto-substances that determine his culminative success in establishment.


July 01, 15:20:08
Elaborating on Idea Development: Logic, Imagination, and Historical Purpose


I have spent much of my time writing and developing ways of considering the world. Now there is little to say in regard to how this can be done without deliberating on the details firstly, so it is optimal to consider even the smallest portions of this practice, that a writer might recognize the initial and most important proto-substances that determine his culminative success in establishment.

So let me go into the more tangible descriptions of the practice, for one, let us consider the development of ideas and how they are first interpreted. Now this is explored in the main article.

Ideas as they are first formed, like resources are utilized for the purpose of establishing a sense of wellness that would otherwise be psychologically unfounded and made insane as a result of non-logic and the blurring between reality and fiction. Shifting to their historical anthropological purpose, ideas, as they are made full by logic and imagination, pour much into the rivers of humanity, being used to bring together with the initial civilizations starting from Sinaitic civilizations.


July 01, 15:23:43
Reflecting on the Cultural Archetype of the Fisherman


The fisherman throughout culture has been that of an adventurer and heavy consideration of his practice, that who considers first his own well-being and that of others and how he might effectively transmute his practices into actualization, if so with great patience, he can render this very character of life into submission. This is his request and his daily demand of himself and of nature.


July 01, 15:30:06 – July 01, 15:57:20
The Importance of Precise Titling: Avoiding Over-Definition of Basic Concepts


    I feel like any working definition of something general is good enough, and creating definitions that enforce nuance and complexity upon something as basic and general "Fisherman" should be avoided, as the scope of its meaning in the dictionary is already sufficient. It is only when we delve into specifics when we can extend broader applications of its initial inherent meaning. This can be observed with proper titling such as "My Personal Experience With The Concept of a Fisherman Throughout My Life"; as opposed to if the content of this title was pushed into the title "Fisherman" so to attempt to deprive the basic concept of its basic purpose and meaning. In light of this, in regard to extrapolating meaning, precision, nuance, complexity, and comprehensiveness beyond the essence-term "fisherman," the foregoing more specific title focuses on one's personal experience with it, a figurative exploration of the fisherman, or something more sophisticated and expansive like that. It can be compared to reserved keywords such as 'if', 'and', and 'then' in coding, where any intent to imbue their essences with nuanced meanings can result in much less generalization, such that it is no longer an effective programing language, or highly specific so as to be a markup format at that point. In other words, it is dangerous to mistake basic concepts as inseparable from descendant ideas that expand upon them or use them as part of a broader, interconnected, and complex exploration. To sum up, leave basic concepts like "fisherman" alone and make the distinction clear between them and expansions clear. Furthermore, any more involved exploration branching from the working definition would typically fall then under a broader topic such as philosophy, psychology, cultural history, or personal experience that mention basic concepts of the fisherman and cast them in a new interconnected light.

    To relate to my current situation as someone only beginning to use "Anytype", the Notion-like application, the above-stated idea is why it is bad to dedicate a portion to "Writing" as if any more definition would make it any better. Its working definition is sufficient. However, if I dedicated a portion of my perspective to "My Personal Perspective with Writing" or "Writing My Novel 'Matthew'", then that would be effective.

In simple terms, it is of vital importance to avoid declaring a more nuanced definition of basic concepts such as "Fisherman" and "Writing," among others, when the searchable working dictionary definition is optimal in essence. It could just be a titling mistake, but it could also be a lexical misunderstanding. Instead, engage in academic honesty and make sure to be very specific and precise with one's understanding of concepts denoted by titles. If a long title is needed to get the point across, do it. That has been a convention of many academic works throughout history, if they did not have specialized terms for it and could only use a longer phrase to denote the concept or idea.

It is ineffective to go and try to define "Writing." Instead define "A Figurative Exploration of Writing", or "The Political History of Writing." This has also been emphasized in Wikipedias a part of their style guide in respect to titles.

It is imperative to avoid overcomplicating what are essentially terms that are not that complicated. Rather, denote specifically what aspect of it one is discussing, whether it be one's personal perspective, the history of it, or anything else.


July 01, 20:16:14
Maintaining Writing Relevance Through Novelty and Knowledge Expansion


It is strange. It is not that I have lost value in my writings; however, I do detect that despite the quality of my writings, that does not necessarily mean that my writings will be definitely relevant to me.

To expand upon this, it is like I can write analyses that span all kinds of topics, and I can even begin citing references and such. However, there is this weird sensation in regard to life and everything, as if though I may desire to understand everything, my brain will recognize information as completely unnecessary and unneeded, as in it will not reuse information the same way the next day. It will always look for ways to engage with information that promotes growth. This is why I notice that even with a personal wiki database, my brain will still prefer that I engage with life as if I am writing a chronological journal that does not look back. Personal wikis get me to look back, and so I notice this disinterest much better, because my brain does not like repetition. So that is why my brain tasked me to read books and cite in hopes that I can write it in a way that keeps me engaged because I'm finding value in the information beyond what it is currently, basically not reusing the information the same way. In conclusion, making my writings relevant to means finding ways to expand upon them in a way that engages me and stimulates my cognition. One way of doing this is by reading books and understanding the history and different viewpoints to approach a particular concept that one might go into depth when it comes to it and even find interdisciplinary connections. The goal is not to create anything new research exactly necessarily, because I can find development by focusing on how to understand and express information differently that I might develop original insights. And that also means reading numerous academic texts and books. In any case, I will be analyzing a lot and expanding the wiki with articles, and the goal is not to write Wikipedia, but to summarize what is already available and expand upon it.


July 01, 21:22:24
Personal Memo: Recording Youtube Video for July 1st Game Join


hi YOUTUBE. today im recording to remember this moment and make sure July 1st is not forgotten. I remember joining when it was around 30+ players or more.


July 01, 22:29:19
Preference for Self-Contained Daily Synthesis Over Unfinished Wiki Articles


My brain hates unfinished products, as in it focuses on structure, clarity, and organization that can fit within a single journal entry for each specific concept or concern. It dislikes the unfinished character of articles written in a personal wiki. Long-term writing is not necessarily bad, but it is more effective for my brain to consume information with the goal of giving an abstracts that accumulate to about 7,000 words everyday. My journal writings focus on effective management and synthesis rather than trying to build a book with citations and references over the course of several months. I can surely begin writing a draft and start studying academic texts and accumulate portions of the book overtime. However, I am more concerned with what this means with 


July 02, 01:24:06
In-Game Chat Transcript: Discussing a Failed Game Revival Event


finally another player joined

hello there

hi

there was supposed to be of... people who were gonna ,oin today

to "revive the game"


did anyone come?

I joined on day before ... 12:15 AM

got some sleep

nobody came

different time zones



ah ok

is the server active on d
i
#
c
o
r
#

i dont know
#################

    I... in the group

me 2

... smaller player...

N :O

I love this game

where are you guys



ok

I'm at red base



July 02, 01:57:11
Reflecting on Using Github for Novel Version History: A Sign of Background


I just realized that it was kind of interesting that I used Github in order to show the version history of my novel for readers, when I could have used Google Docs instead. The problem about that is that I have found Google Docs challenging with which to work, because I prefer having my novel in a single file for easy transport. Nevertheless, the fact that I used Github really shows where I come from.


July 02, 07:12:58
Deconstructing Expertise: Subjectivity, Placebo, and Societal Construction in Taste (Wine, Coffee)


It is true though, isn't it? I've been exposed more than several times in the span of many years to the news that the wine enthusiasts were lying. I'm referring to the experiment done where judges were given a 3 dollar wine, but the wine won the competition over every other very expensive wine at the thousands of dollars. I could analyze this in a way that makes sense. Even in coffee competitions, judges and the broader scope of "high coffee" will have a particular preference, which in the case that I've seen is South American coffee. So all the competitors of international coffee roasting competitions, whether Filipino, Japanese, Jamaican, or any other, will all join up and make South American coffee, because it is currently popular within particular high coffee spheres. This goes the same for wine. There is no necessarily better coffee or wine in the sense that there are numerous different ways to make wine, and it is not always going to be intuitive. Just because the ingredients were expensive does not make the food any tastier. It is often perception that just because something is rare, it's better. That is not true. High coffee spheres might find that South American coffee fits their taste due to particular trends among high coffee consumers, as they may have tired from the favorite coffee of the past era. So now they're moving to favor something that is different, but not so different and outside of their familiarity. This is why I believe that South America can have a better shot at bringing in more esoteric or exotic than other countries where the coffee might taste significantly different from them. I am not saying that all coffee in Europe and US is the same, but I am more so saying that when it comes to coffee, people will look for something that is both different yet similar. This means that they have had a long enough history with South American coffee but have not been so accustomed to it yet that they can enjoy it as that flagship of high coffee. This extends to wine enthusiasts and why a 3 dollar wine can win a competition.

The aesthetic of taste is highly cultural, and it is likely the case that the three dollar wine was different and even more powerful to their tongues than any other high wine taste to which they have grown too accustomed.

It is easy to like something when it is presented as something rare, grandiose, amazing, and expensive, and that is why the factors aligned perfectly that the judges were fooled to thinking this was phenomenal wine in the sense that it was high wine that was created in a way and with ingredients far beyond current competitors. It was the perfect matching with branding, cultural heritage, and history with the novelty of a three dollar wine.

And I emphasize that this only worked because they did not know it was a three-dollar wine, because no one would ever do. It was a system built on stories and placebo and particular tastes systematized to be this powerful, high-quality thing that really was just another person's interest.

We are expected to like expensive things, because it makes us feel special and one of a kind or one of the greats. We are expected to like expensive cars, expensive shoes, and expensive rings, because they **should** amaze us. It is something that is cultivated overtime with marketing and ingraining the people to believe that the only way to be something is to have this.

I have seen this recently with bodybuilding, as there has been a growth of interest and passion around bodybuilding. So now, you will find people who treat bodybuilding as a requirement for manhood and that one's benching power determines the credibility of their opinion. It is like judging someone by looks, by weight, by skin tone, and by how much money they have. At one point, it may have been used to understand different kinds of people, but it started playing a role in the way lives are actualized. It is like the Bible being used by people who genuinely believe it and creating great works that impact many lives. One may feel that the Bible is true and that those judgements of looks, weight, and skin tone are correct because they are observed in people, but people are highly normative. They love to eat up trends, expectations, and cultural factors, even if it means not interacting with reality, like the wine enthusiasts who were forced to experience reality through their realization that all of this built-up surrounding falsehood around classist ideals are just a mirage and that wine and coffee, like any other interest, is only as real as it actually is and not really what society tells itself it is. We are like kids who whisper to ourselves repetitively when we engage in this particular framework, storytelling, structures, image, idealism, and what-should-be.

Rare does not mean good. Rich does not mean superior. And strong does not mean better.

That is very hard to comprehend, because we attach to many meanings to these things. In reality, what these things actually only are the following.

Rare means rare. Rich means rich. And strong means strong.

The former meanings demonstrate that people attach unnecessary qualities to things that are nevertheless essentially basic and rudimentary in their functions as terms within the actual world. Society pushes us into constructions that we might call a man a dog, a cat a person, a guitar a toy, and metal a weapon.

We create these structuralist limitations around us that are even more post-structuralist than post-structuralist itself because all of these attempts at constructing meaning have yielded only falsehood and lies. Post-structuralism recognizes this chaos and meaningless of these lies and demands that we reach reality much closer.


July 02, 07:54:37 – July 02, 08:00:32
Contrasting Personal Communication Style with Online Storytellers


Why am I not that guy? Why am I not like that player I met in Roblox who had this personality and passion to tell his story about something while still being open to questions and requests for clarification? I feel like I've never been that person, who just willing goes out to talk about my stories.

Yeah, I communicate more through writing, music, vlogs, and art. It is much easier to do that I feel than going out into the Internet and telling stories to strangers, whether in text or voice chat.

I'm the kind of person in conversations who enjoys listening and talking attentively to people. If I talk to someone with passion, they're someone I know. Growing up and even until now, I still am not the type to go out and start conversations with strangers. Though it is not that I cannot hold small talk, because that is very easy to do now. I just find it challenging to start talking to people like I'm selling something to them, because I'm usually discouraged from doing that because of the potential for monopolizing the conversation.


July 02, 09:08:43
Developing a Preference for Academic Book Formatting in Digital Reading


it is standard to have an empty page between preamble and first chapter right to get that right-side

Is it strange that after reading so many digitized academic texts, I have a preference now for that sweet beautiful lovely book formatting with the title page, margins, black pages, and just making everything perfection for printing even if I'm not going to print it necessarily? I love the look of it digitally after getting so used to studying academic texts with PDFs

I find that they look so much more appealing, structured, and immersive.

This is why while I love web novels, I highly find digitized academic texts much more readable, immersive, and structured

I mean, web novels are great for mobile. I love the infinite page-less text scrolling there, as I despise reading PDFs on the phone, because it's just too small.

I prefer digitized academic texts on computer and infinite vertical scrolling page-less text on mobile for web novels.

It makes it perfectly simple to increase size and change font as well, which makes the reading experience prefect for mobile.


July 02, 10:09:50 – July 02, 10:29:13
Embracing the Paradox: Constant Challenge, Emotional Resilience, and the Journey to Wholeness


Why do I always find a way to do something new that challenges me? Am I strange? I find that I always have that satisfied sleep because I was just constantly getting things done and learning.

It is scary, you know. I know that I am very limited, yet I have all this drive, frustration, excitement, and heroism in my soul. I feel this greatness stirring within me, and it is not something I genuinely believe. But it is there, that feeling. I cannot pretend that I am sitting here living a life that I don't want. I am doing everything that I can.

But you know, the deep forest of the world, the past, and everything. It can be so much to take in, and I do my best. Yet I win, and I succeed, making advancements in all kinds of areas. And it never stops. I never grow complacent, and I always find a way to make use of my time, whatever it is I do. I hate that, or maybe I don't. I don't know why I said I hate that, but look at that . See. I am the type of person never to feel so content that I can even say that that is awesome. Well, I guess this entire passage is me praising myself. But at the same time, you know, it's scary that I am even still here. Don't you think that with how brazen I am to be alive, to do the right thing, and to make sense of things should warrant a beating, a scolding, or some malevolent force that tears me asunder? I feel that in my soul: that with all of these that I am, I see in myself a greatness that lies through the ages, as if I am a hawk surveying the land.

I feel so strongly, and I know so well just how beautiful and full of room for exploration everything is.

I feel this sense that I am both sober yet so incredibly wild and ferocious. I feel this whelming feeling that seeks to control this earth, yet I know well intellectually that this life of mine doesn't have to be considered all that special. Depending on a particular intellectual viewpoint, I can look at my life as just this one thing, but I can also use it to bolster my motivation and drive to tell myself that I am worth it because this universe in which we live is full of it—worth, meaning, complexity, dynamics, flow and ebbs, and all the beauty of nature that while full of challenges, is full of purity and love that would never be so there if it was not for this hope that resides within us.

It is crazy, you know. Every time I think that everything should end, I always just keep going as if I had never experienced pain and stress. It is weird seeing that I can still enjoy myself, even after everything, that I can still enjoy a cup of coffee at a cafe and still look reflectively into space with an unconsciously risen faint smile. I do not know if I can pretend to be all of this, but the thing is, I am not pretending. A lot of these feelings are real, whether it be joy or pain. And the fact that I can oscillate between joy and pain is incredible and a beautiful vital component of life. I just find it strange you know. It is weird to see myself be okay even after all the emotional heart aches. It is not that I have abandoned my goals, objectives, hopes, dreams, passions, frustrations, loves, wishes, memories, past, people, experiences, knowledge, and self. I want to keep this all within me as fundamental aspects of my existence; however, I also do not have to be tied down by them emotionally is what I am observing from the way that my emotions learn to feel more at ease as time goes on. The more that I confront and expose myself, the more I feel initial pain, but that pain subsides overtime, as I learn and slowly build, even if it means watching and observing reality and taking in the everything of life.

I feel like no one can treat me as significant, and I won't need to defend myself necessarily to maintain my self-confidence. It will be a matter of assurance that is not so easily broken down, unless the mind is castrated by disease, sickness, mind-altering substance, and sudden extreme stress. But for the most part, this will be a time of acceptance, healing, restoration, reflection, and comprehensive treatment of my self, of the world, of people, of experiences, of knowledge, and of everything.

I am not the epitome of grace or beauty. I am not the weakest worm. I am not nobody. I am somebody.

I am a person with everything that I am.

I am becoming more whole, diverging from the path of chaotic self-destruction that might have been inevitable if it was not for time, space, resources, and having all of my influences and sources of training, knowledge, and growth. I've learned, thanks to the world, the Internet, to life, to people, to myself, and to everything for allowing me to reach this point.

I am thankful, but I am also wary. There is no need to thank everything, and there is no need to be happy all the time.

But this is a time to be happy, not a time to be a sad, as said in Ecclesiastes. 

I see soo many memories, which can still be overwhelming if I let, but as time goes on, it only becomes easier. I recognize that, and the more that I address everything, the easier it gets to wake up in the morning and feel this occasion of wholeness that would otherwise be splintered and washed away to be non-descript sediment. I am who I am, and the elements of myself that I have gathered up and returned unto me will remain my guide in my days, seeking the truth, yet retaining my sense of self.

I am still here.

Always has been.

I can be whole again.


July 02, 11:28:16
The Internet's Consolidation: Growth, Loss of Community, and Platform Shifts


You know what's interesting and crazy. The fact that the Internet is now much more bigger means there is much more to concern oneself with. This also means that many communities have died in this process of consolidation and comprehensiveness. It is like when villages shifted to city states and when feudalism shifted to large urban cities.

This means that much is lost in the process, and everyday members of this titanic city-communities or platforms such as Youtube are unable to be completely separated from the rest of it. They will sooner or later encounter myriad aspects of it that they won't be able to say for sure that they are a part of a single community necessarily. It will not be like early Roblox and the early Internet when one could at least feel that feeling that they were a part of something much more unified. But Youtube is a conglomerate of external entities now.

It is both great and challenging that the Internet is now like this.


July 02, 11:30:35 – July 02, 11:32:34
Prioritizing Self-Analysis Over Fiction Amidst Information Overload


I can easily write a story, but at the same time, I recognize well that there is too much information to parse through. Rather than writing a story, I will focus on analyzing everything in my life as much as I can that I might ensure that everything is considered. However, the issue is that for now, it will focus mainly on building up familiarity and skills, and that is still an ongoing process.

It is tempting to sit down and read an immersive, relaxing academic text, but what is more important now is synthesizing all of those information. However, I'm already doing that and making lots of progress, but it is still limited. So the best I could do for now is analyze other things like my methodology of self-documentation. I cannot just keep on synthesizing and analyzing forever, and my brain will require breaks and relaxation. However, I do feel the pressing need to get everything together and have effectively an entire database that contains a written analysis of everything that I can identify. But that will take a lot of patience.

[REDACTED]


July 02, 12:57:37 – July 02, 13:02:24
Validating Early 2010s Internet Nostalgia: Objective Differences and Lost Innocence


I can't deny it no? I really cannot anymore. I was looking around and listening to people and realize more and more that this is a shared experience. The Internet has changed so much since the early 2010s. It is fair to dislike the way things are right now and prefer the early 2010s. That was a time when I was playing, and I was still unaware of Pewdiepie because he was not as popular as he is now. It is funny, you know. I was alive and playing Roblox, Incredibots, Flash games, and offline games like Rise of Nations during that time. That was really fun. I miss the early Internet, and I know now that it is not just nostalgia. It is a shared experience, and there is a very clear objective difference between the earlier Internet and today.

All the people that I knew were so new to the Internet, and that was beautiful and fun. The early 2010s was a beautiful time.

I loved it.

But now as we're grown up and the Internet has grown over the years, it is now so much more serious, crazy, and terrifying.

Those memories of just being awkward and recording videos is still what the early Internets felt like. It was a very awkward, but beautiful and awesome time.

I do not like the Internet today for many reasons, and I love the early 2010s for many reasons.

I have said many times that the Internet today is good in many ways, but for this passage, let me emphasize on how it is not just nostalgia and that there is a difference.

People are so serious now. I miss that stupid time when people just uploaded pictures of themselves in a way that would be seen as very embarrassing now. But in the past, we were all awkward, and we just were.

We did not have all of this. We really destroyed the innocence, creativity, fun, awkwardness, spontaneity, and excitement of just being in a small little space where everyone could have fun and be awkward together.

I remember kids saying that the past looked very bad and inefficient, but how can they know what it is like to be there at the time? They will never know.

They will think that just because it is not super high-quality according to today's standard that the past is somehow bad and disqualified.

But they are biased by recency and ignorance of the past.

It is saddening that one day, no one will ever know, because all of the people who went through that time will soon pass on.

The only thing I can do is reflect upon my life.

That's it.

20th century means so much more than what people think, and that goes for the 19th century as well. We really are ignorant, aren't we? When I see younger generations being ignorant about the past, it is not their fault. And there are many that are influenced by our nostalgia and longing for the past. And I do not think it is cyclical. It is something that will never happen again. It feels nice to think that there are laws, rules, and universal truths. But the early Internet will never happen again.

I tried to look at the world as something I can just move on from and forget. But I may move on by addressing and confronting it, but I will never truly forget. It has stained me and made me better.

I see beauty that cannot be replicated ever again, only to be in my memories and documented in writing.


July 02, 23:45:18 – July 02, 23:56:21
The Brain's Continuous Synthesis and the Challenge of Capturing Fleeting Thoughts


Is it weird that whenever I engage in anything, I have always so much to consider in the process? I feel like I'm going about this topic so much; nevertheless, it remains of vital importance to my further development.

It is strange, because my brain rapidly takes upon itself further information, and surely, upon sleeping well, I wake up rejuvenated and characterized by a greater ease in my cognitive reflections, as I synthesize and gather my memories and locate ones that have come to be at my focus, that I might consider them with greater respect. For example, in my dreams, there introduced to me were concerns, issues, and subjects that would have never crossed my mind in my current environment, as my environment, projects, and current trajectory are particular such that only a dream or the cognitive transformation into a blank slate through a good night's sleep can accomplish. Despite the potential for distraction, it is nonetheless essential for my growth and development. I more so reflect upon the usefulness of divergent thinking that arises only now due to healthy sleep and dreaming.

But besides an instance of reflection that I may have done several times before, I also seek refuge in the potential for cognitive growth overall. So let me delve into my current viewpoint of it. Recently, I have grown in many areas of thinking, as I have achieved a greater sense of management and clarity that would have remained to be a remote goal otherwise. This has occurred with my recent enterprises into my self-documentation, which has given me a medium through which I may address things that would typically be forgotten and unaddressed. It has been of growing importance to me to record these fleeting experiences, emotions, recollections, knowledge, and imagery that arises only out of chance, as there have been plenty of occasions where my singular focus, which has benefitted me much, has led only to a loss in broader perspective. To elaborate upon this, while I may have gained a stronger clarity and understanding, it has also introduced challenges that require divergent thinking to accomplish. It is not that this greater clarity has been only a switch to a different kind of environment without overall linear improvement; however, even now, it can still require much attention paid to the intricacies of how memory, knowledge, and experience emerge and play a role in my waking writing. If I am to write down everything, the refinement of this relationship will determine whether all of these stray memories which are passing through my mind everyday and almost every second will be picked up or not. The reason I presently do not write them down is because of the evolving want for cognitive flexibility. It is challenging to break my thoughts to write them down, and my objective is to reach a point where I may write them down always. Despite this, it is more productive right now to let them mindfully pass through my mind that I may focus on writing about a focused topic right now. But sooner or later, these stray floating passing memories will require footing in my explicitly written clauses of self.


July 03, 00:21:49 – July 03, 01:02:00
Fiction: Synopsis and Chapter 1 of COMRADE the Pirate's Journey




Synopsis:

COMRADE, the man, who by his own words, was captain of the purple pirate clan enough that anyone could rise above his birth and social milieu, made it his goal to try the flaming seas which even now are tropically strung and moved about, that in good God's name, he remained unhindered in his journey to the height of pirating. But this was not just the story of a pirate, but that of his dear men, who saw for themselves a great opportunity of conquest and victory that could be achieved only if they recognized their position in this world through their emergence as boaters, shippers, and sea-dwellers, people of imagination refined by the waves that inspired endlessly.



Chapter 1

COMRADE called upon his friends one day, wishing them to recognize themselves. Indeed, it was here on a random dock that their adventure was meant to begin. But for now, this was how he envisioned it started, which would congeal then into greatness.

But the silent dock was empty. No friend had come. If they were here, they might have seen his new foot, which had been cut, and his disease did no better than his confidence when he finally attached a foot made out of wood and metal. After all, he hoped that these friends of his would see that he had gone through the choking ropes and platitudes of a man sea-stricken.

But with his friends gone, he realized that his journey could be accomplished only by himself. His mind and body recognized that if he were to stop here and let his friends try again, he would lose his pride which was connected to his body of mind. He would lose his soul too.

He needed to leave, so his heart lunged forward, tearing through the murkiness that the sea seemed to give. It was night time when he pulled himself up from groggy sleep and tore away the feelings of hurt that had ached within him to this day. It had been three months since his friends' betrayal of his heart-felt hand of offer. He went again to the friends he trusted, requesting that they tell him again of their plans. But they refused him, wishing only to be apart from the future pirate's self-conditioning and -convincing. They might have allowed him a seat where he could listen, but they never intended to have him speak to them, drumming into his mind that he had better stay quiet or they would lose their patience.

He knew that, and that was why he left to join a crew that offered a spot for him on a ship. There he knew that he could only work as a lowly janitor on the deck, and they were not going to feed him as much as he wanted. He might die even by the first several days, and they were worried that the law would catch them. That was why he was tasked to hide himself so that they might bring fodder like him to do their chores past the eyes of the law enforcers. In addition, it was also expensive work on their part, so they asked him to give up money in advance.

COMRADE was not the man he was going to be, but for now, he would let the humiliation slide, because he hoped that by the start of his journey, he might experience a high.

If by the end of the journey, he reached success, he would return home and brag about it to the rest.

He climbed up finally upon the boat, where he was made to be the floor-cleaner. If he tried any act besides that, he was punished with a slap. It was as if he was not a slave, but the son of them. He was not any more a person than he was a free-loading child to them. He hated this position, but “hate” was not something he learned to show. That was why he kept heart closed.

His mind drifted through the scenery that he glimpsed sometimes, often having his head attached to the ground.

He was asked again and again to re-clean an area, wishing that the days were shorter and the pain passed by quickly.

But it was in this beautiful place that he learned patience, something he already had, but this patience was characterized by the waves of the sea, which he had yearned long to experience.

He had finally reached this day, where everything that he had ever known was complete.

He might be even allowed to rest and die here.

But this was not the end, was it?

Maybe, it was.

He fell asleep, only to be woken up again.

He fell asleep, only to hear the sound again of the waves crashing against the ship.

He fell asleep, only to hear the thunder in the horizon.

He fell asleep, only to recognize again that his body, which had grown accustomed to having his body aimed against the floor, was now struggling to stand up normally.

He fell asleep, hearing the people barking, laughing, joking, snickering, and telling each other stories.

He loved this, and he hated the pain.

But this was his life now.

On one of his numerous long days, he got up and saw that the world was beautiful and that he heard stories of men killing dragons and monsters. If goblins existed, they must exist as well.
But he did not know whether goblins existed yet.

He bore the pain.

But this introduced only to his mind a sense of greater clarity.

This pain gave him purpose, clarity, and a sense of self that days only with frustrated wishing. This was what he wanted, and now that he was here, he could only grin amid his tired eyes.

There was something about him that no one knew.

He loved the sea.

He stood up, achingly, wishing that he could fix his body by now. It had been months since he left the dock, and he was now here tearing up at the sight of the beautiful sea.

But he was punished again for daring to do so.

Indeed, it did not matter to him what they said. He loved the tides and the waves.

He felt this intense need to confess this feeling in his heart.

By the time the journey ended, he knew not his own face or the face of his friends. He had been swallowed up by grief and by loss. But this was just a temporary spell upon him, for sooner than five weeks later, he suddenly gained a sense of realization that was within him all along.

He was finally here in another part of the world after the ship bore him here.

He saw friendly faces and all kinds of villages. He saw wonderful places and all kinds of historical vestiges. He saw large towns and lovely spots where people gathered and knew their stuff.

It was like a place of wonder and a place of greatness, where people tried to hide their hatred. But maybe he was wrong, and this was truly happy.

He lived up to now only to see this.

He smiled grandiosely, for he had a plan. He would become a pirate, and then he began tying up the knots that led to his plan. He was on a ship again, this time with criminal juveniles sent to an island.

He would return here to this beautiful place called “Blime” and he would go home again. But for now, the sea was his boat.

He would explore for years on end, for time, space, and experience did not matter if the sea was his lover.

So he rode the boat and entered the island.

But what he did not know was that there, goblins roamed about.


[REDACTED]


July 03, 03:15:46 – July 03, 03:47:13
Critiquing Writing Tools and Perfectionism: Advocating Immersive Process and Creative Fluidity


One can really tell that a text editor is optimized well when it can handle 240,000 words without struggling at all. Text editors like Sublime Text is one of these highly optimized text editors, and it is why I prefer text editors usually used for coding rather than text editors intended for writing because coders are so much more diligent about optimization in their code than any other text editor for writing.

That is why oftentimes, I find myself never using text editors intended for writing unless I'm going to write something short, because as soon as it reaches 20,000 to 100,000 words or so, you know that thing is going to struggle, whether online or offline.

Most writers have grown accustomed to separating their stuff in terms of chapters, but I find that inefficient in the modern age. I can see why inertia might lead people to suggest that it be separated in different text files for each other. But that is no longer necessary.

But they will think that just because it is impossible in Google Docs or OneNote to write text spanning 100,000 words in a single file that it is impossible anywhere else, when that is not the case really.

The reason why this is much more effective is that for most writers, they browse through their story in a highly structured way, with chapters separated into different text files and even having a text file, or in the case of applications like Scrivener, Notion, Obsidian, and Anytype, they make sure that each chapter is highly parsed so as to be explored fully in a structured way, with each element made distinct and into a visually complex whole that aims to represent the actual complexities and nuances of the text. The issue with this is that it can introduce inertia and a sense of having everything under control. It can also introduce a sense of sureness and lock-in because once everything is set-up, it can be hard to abandon things easily mainly because there is a lot of editorialization with this framework of writing. It is much better to know one's writing so much through a single plain text file alone that one does not need to induce inertia through all of these than to fall into the trap of believing that a well-organized space produces high-quality writing necessarily. Cognitive systematic organization is often much more reliable and is less likely to arouse exacerbation of inertia and false sureness because it is both highly flexible and can handle loads of data.

When there is more time spent toward visual organization than there is an actual story, then that can be concerning. Visual bureaucracy is still bureaucracy. 

Readers do not read the story through visual bureaucracy, so focus instead of writing as if one is reading it, which is often done through a straight whole text experience oftentimes. In books, there is almost no cognitive separation between chapters, unlike some writers who are so involved with making sure that everything is segmented such that it is visually organized and aesthetic that they cannot imagine chapters as a holistic whole that is more than the sum of its parts. The issue is that the parts are further segmented into distinct elements as well. So you can imagine that along the way, the story is not experienced like the reader does. It is written by the writer as if all of these things that they have established around, along the sides of, and internally like metal implants, are somehow there at the reader's behest. So because these things are absent when the final product is released, one might imagine a story that is so good that it defies all logic, but in reality, the process was a very inefficient one. And it might just be as good as any other generic story, so while the process sounds promising because it is so demanding and visually surgical, it does not necessarily lead to effective writing.

Focus instead on the pace of the story as if one is reading it, which means abandoning all of these unnecessary distractions that create distance between author and reader. Focus on how the information reaches the reader word-by-word without going back and trying to make everything picture-perfect, because the reader does not experience the story as a whole while they are reading a single chapter. The story is holistically whole, not because the reader knows the whole story at all times, but because they are immersed in the moment, relying only upon their memory to inform them of previous chapters. So when writing, it is best to do the same. If one struggles to write without looking back and re-writing things, then keep writing until one can write as close to a reader's experience as possible. This means little to no drafting and editing. But that is very challenging and requires very strong writing skills and cognitive abilities. Some stories also have numbers and details that are not so easy to remember, and the fact that the writer might be serializing can make that many times more difficult. Well, those are things the writer can remember, but remember that the reader is experiencing the story as is. So consistency is something that has to be done by the writer alone and without too much drafting and external aid that he might make sure that he is the essence of the reader without distraction. Once the writer is the reader, then he has reached the zone.

If the writing is bad, it is best to start a new story, rather than get stuck editing constantly. Keep moving on and writing new stories. Never get stuck in a single story, and never believe that every single story started deserves to be finished. Not all stories should be finished. While readers might wish that all drafts were finished, not all of them should be finished for the writer to grow. The writer grows not by editing and becoming the worst fickle perfectionist, but by giving up and learning to do only as much as he can for a story before moving on.

The best writer does not need to edit and draft too much. He focuses only on the moment as it is experienced by the reader, before he stops once he has done enough.

There is no story that makes sense, and it is not supposed to make sense.

There are always going to be "imperfections", or moments that some readers might dislike. The entire story might feel disjointed and even.

But the writer is not the story. He should not be the story. He should be the writer and the reader. He moves on.

He does not think about a story as if it reflects himself. He does not take it personally but recognizes that he must keep writing and give up stories once it is over. Keep writing and do not edit. Keep writing and starting new stories and do not finish it if it means ruining oneself. Keep writing and keep letting the flow transition to new stories, improving one's craft and skill. If the opening is too hard to write, keep writing. If the middle part is too hard to write, keep writing. If the ending is too hard to write, keep writing Do not get stuck in editing. Do not think that a story is so good that one cannot abandon it and have to get stuck editing it forever. Give up! And move on! This is what I wanted to tell to that author that wrote a story that I loved. Stop listening to people about the story to the point that you cannot abandon editing that story. Give up! And write new stories and stop becoming the epitome of your story. Instead flow forwards. Move on. Stop getting so attached!

I have always grown frustrated at the sight of writers that cannot seem to abandon a particular story because they believe that this is their life now, to care for their magnum opus. But shut up and stop treating works as if they are everything that you are now, as if you have died and there is no more magnus opuses to be made! Stop living as if you're dead and in the past already. Like you're history already! Keep writing! You are a writer! Move on! You can make better stories and keep improving. If you do not like something you did before, then don't do it in the next story. Do not delete the essence of that story and erase the decisions you did not like. Keep moving on!

Stop trying to create perfection. Stop! If it means getting stuck editing forever, stop! Stop wasting your life in regrets! Move on! Stop trying so hard to become this epitome! Just be a human being and move on! Move on! That is the only thing humans can do in the face of everything! Move on! If we don't, we lose our sense of selves and our humanity.

Create perfection by immersing oneself in the moment and writing as if one is reading it. And keep moving on. That is perfection, one that does not think so hard and overthinks to the point of slaughtering everything that they are. Keep writing, because that is art. Art is not erasing the past. Art is appreciating the moment that we have now that we can reflect and see the beauty of the moment and appreciate things. Art is not drowning in this sea of perfectionism, regret, self-hatred, and overthinking.

You do not have to be that guy! You are not that guy now just because that work got popular. You are not that guy who wrote that work! That is not you! You do not have to be what people say you are! You can abandon that identity and start a new one because that was never truly you! You are you, not what people say you are! You do not have to keep shouldering these expectations and responsibilities because they are not real! None of it is real! It is all just a lie told by people, society, and others that this is all you can be! Stop it!

You are not that guy!

There are too many falsehoods surrounding what should be and what shouldn't be, what is good quality and what is not good quality, because much of it is drowning in preference and subjectivity masquerading as objective reality.

I can understand where those writers are coming from and why they feel so strongly about becoming a particular thing and being tied down to that particular persona that they have now internalized as who they are. I get it.

But still, that does not change just how self-destructive it is to live giving up creativity for the sake of appealing to a particular set of eyes.

[REDACTED]


July 03, 04:30:25 – July 03, 04:37:03
Tracking Progress: Word Count, Automaticity, and the Value of Daily Averages


In 37 days, as of writing the last journal entry, I have written 252,856 words, or 6833.945945945946 words a day.

I really look at this number very intently because it reminds me that I still exist. Sometimes I forget that I'm writing because writing is becoming so automatic that I do not think about the actual amount I'm writing. I guess this automaticity and sense of unconsciousness is why I write so much everyday. But looking at the word account allows me to appreciate how far I've gone and remind me that I do write everyday and that I am not staring at a computer screen and doing nothing. It makes me feel that all of this time is shared, that all 37 days is a shared experience of 6833.95 words. I feel more holistically together throughout these 37 days because of this averaging.

Looking at the average words per day helps me maintain a sense of self that lasts across numerous days.


July 03, 04:40:15
Brief Ominous Note: "I saw a man staring at me. His name was Johnathan."


I saw a man staring at me. His name was Johnathan.


July 03, 04:43:10
Reflection on a 5-Hour, 7,000-Word Writing Session


In 5 hours, I wrote 7,000 words. That is probably why I feel like I just went for a long, deep swim in the sun lasting days. 

[REDACTED]


July 03, 05:27:17 – July 03, 07:00:37
Retrieving and Reappraising a Deleted Descriptive Passage Influenced by AI Feedback


why I choose to delete this portion of the book? I luckily sent the PDF containing this scene to a friend, so I was able to retrieve it. I cannot believe I deleted such beautiful writing. I know not everyone will feel the same, but this is very beautiful to me:
'The sun hung low on the sky. Its rays of yellow seemed to shoot down the inhabitants of the world.
Birds flew smoothly, threading the sky. Their eyes were graceful and dignified, as if they were
preparing for an afternoon tea party.
The trees looked like blocky blobs that moved under a microscope, as if they were the only entities in
a flat, dead land.
A mash of vegetation drifted high with the wind and rain: grass, sword ferns, dwarf palms, violets,
dwarf pandans, orchids, and foxtail ferns. Each carried a weight as if it had distributed itself across
the political circuitry of the council of the forest.
The vegetation looked fake like plastic because of their watery shine like in a video game. This video
game had graphical representations in a simulated environment where people had to press buttons
that cost funds to upgrade a farm.
The texture of its bark looked like a war of ants frozen in time. The sarcastic battle cries of these ants
crawled into the ears of the nervous ones among them and stimulated them to take a step into the
infinite, deathly pit of this war.
A man passed through behind this tree. His face was bright as if it was the brightest among the
objects that colored the scene; the raindrops in front of him looked like freckles on the skin of this
face, attaching a sentimental fume to his presence.
His face growing clear as the rain dissipated, the man Peter took a deep breath with a look of
acceptance.
He had many thoughts in his head, one of which conveyed his desire to finish an objective. This
objective was to finish off the the troll that lived inside this dungeon. He believed that his strength
was enough to defeat this troll. He felt worried about making a mistake during his fight with this
troll, touching the edge of his cheek. He brought three goblins to join him.
Beside him, at his behest, these three goblins stood to join his fight with the troll; despite their goblin
lineage, dignity entertained the tips of their fingers with which they grasped tools with honorable,
open postures that provoked clandestine wish-fulfillment.
One of the goblins raised his right hand. A tool lay naked in his grasp, the instrumental intricacy of
its metal was a river. Numerous depressions scattered throughout this river in the form of exact
squares shapes. These depressions prevented the water of the river from filling them up, creating a
disparity that revealed a sharp grace.
The eyes of the goblin were like the beating heart of a camel who could fiercely survive under harsh
conditions. Despite their shine that seemed vulnerable, these eyes had a fibrous and firm quality. It
was as if the wind could rage in their presence, yet their structure would remain like a high tower.
This high tower was callous against the wishes of those below.'


Nope, I am asking the question, but I know the answer. When AI language models said they did not like it, I deleted it. Of course, it was a personal decision as well, but I did not realize at the time that I would find it beautiful later. I think this scene is awesome.

The fact that I still remember it after numerous months goes to show just how impactful this was to me. I still remember the imagery of the scene even now.


July 03, 11:20:59
Critiquing the Believability of 21st Century British Crime Thrillers


Is it weird? Is it weird at all? I find British Crime Thriller very hard to care about?

Maybe it's because I find that all of this just feels so fake. It is not that I do not think crime does not happen, but there's just something so inorganic about seeing people committing crimes in London or something like that.

It is easier to believe crimes that are politically motivated. I am fine with Sherlock Holmes, but not British crime thrillers.

British Crime thrillers that try to look scary just do not feel scary because they're in London. I find America a scarier place to be in.

I do not mean to invalidate crime in the United Kingdom, but if it's not Peaky Blinders or Sherlock Holmes, it just feels fake if it's not trying to be entertaining and more so trying to be a crime thriller.

Reading academic texts about history just makes me lean toward geopolitics, political, cultural, or psychological more if it's trying to be realistic and cold.

But British Crime thrillers in the 21st century sounds so weird like a play. 

Peaky Blinders has World War 1 as a backdrop, and Sherlock Holmes was around the time crimes were much more common.

British 21st century crime thrillers feel goofy in comparison, not to invalidate actual crime there.

It is easier to believe crime when there is a political context that shouts, "This leads to crime!" than some 21st century London kind of place. It just does not scream "crime" to me as much as the 20th century. The entire place just looks prim and proper. I can see reasons for why crime happens in Japan, where crime is rare, but not in 21st British crime thrillers.

21st century London just looks too perfect to be taken seriously as a setting for a crime thriller.

Crime does happen in places like London, but I feel like the crimes will be a lot more... sophisticated? As in crimes like fraud, scams, and other white-collar crimes. They will use the Internet. They will use modern technology. I feel so weirded out by crime where people just go around and kill people in 21st century London. It looks so goofy seeing them get away with just killing people episode after episode. In fact, several people died in one episode. It is so weird and hard to believe.

It's even worse when it is not connected to gangs or criminal organizations. Then it's one million times less realistic. If there is no organization, I do not see how they just get away with killing several people in such a short amount of time. The fact that they're not tense at all is just making me lose my marbles. Just blatantly killing people crime in 21st century London? Like this just feels so off. I need a political background, some organization, some reasoning and explanation for how they're bypassing security, laws, and law enforcement. I need motivations instead of just like being edgy and "I have a favorite method of torture." It sounds so much like Wattpad.

At that point, just go all-in on the entertaining part so people do not take it to be realistic. Just make it goofy and funny in a way that is obvious and not taking itself seriously. Why take oneself seriously if one is going to make something that is so hard to believe in?

Japanese manga portrays crime that can be feel possible in their world, but that is not the truth. So they go all in on making everything feel like it's meant to be entertaining. The crime people wear animal masks? The crime people are all high school students blowing up numerous structures. Japanese manga does it so well because they clearly are not trying to make it look serious. The fact that it's hand-drawn helps a lot. 

21st century British crime thriller live action on the other hand, at least the ones I've seen, feel so like an edgy teenager saying "there is two wolves inside of me."



July 03, 13:01:40
Recording a Numerical ID (Likely Wattpad)


81849239


July 03, 13:34:38 – July 03, 14:34:25
Critiquing Wattpad and Envisioning AI-Driven Content Discovery Platforms


Wattpad is so bad. I am not saying it's bad. It reflects its time, and it is very outdated.

For one, the fact that it lets just anyone post a story really does not help. That would be okay, but the issue with that is that there is countless stories that get posted but then deleted immediately. The problem about this is that this affects the ID count, so the ID count remembers it, which means that probably only 10% or less is actually a novel that was not deleted or privated as soon as it was created.

A new, better system should force all fictions to go through a submission process to avoid having fictions that are not fictions at all and just people testing. This way, the fiction ID list is at least 90% present. Basically, the submission filters out people just posting on a whim, which is 99% of people checking out the dashboard for writers.

Moreover, book covers are bad, very bad. They do not add to the story whatsoever any more than they bloat the website. They inflate everything and cause misunderstandings, misperceptions, and constantly create expectations that do not exist. There is no accurate title, thumbnail, and description.

In the age of AI, this will hopefully no longer be an issue. We can do away with book covers; instead, what we should focus on is AI grabbing the entire text of the book in order to ensure that when readers talk to the AI for a particular kind of book that can be hard to describe and too complex for tags to express, then the AI can give it. Instead of using so many tags, the AI is the one tailoring and personalizing the content. They can give a very precise definition of each content, because they have the entire text in their systems. So one can ask, "Can I have a protagonist that looks strong, uses an axe, and forgets memories every few days?" That is a very tough description, but the AI will be able to give a list: "Sure! Here's a list of 100 books that match your description."

It is not Wattpad that is the problem, because Wattpad represents a mix of both the constitutional desire to make publishing accessible and traditional tendencies like having a book cover. This way of doing things was the best thing there was, and there was no way to stop it.

But submission filters and AI can help solve the issue of quality control and help incentivize writing much, much better. Submission filters out people doing it out of a whim, and AI filters out book cover inflation and inaccurate titles and book descriptions. This way, the reader gets exactly what he wants and from a human author.

Imagine asking, "Can I have a tree protagonist where the book vividly talks about cottages?" That is an impossible task, but with AI, that should be easy, as long as the AI is a very powerful generalized AI language model, has the entire texts of all the books in the site in its data set, and understands the context very, very well.

This means that writers can ask the AI for ideas that have never been done before, and if there is a unique concept they enjoy, they can read it for inspiration. They will not feel alone anymore, because there is a concept that they can search up with AI. Niche writers will find each other much, much better, because even within niche areas, it is still very broad. So AI, knowing entire texts of every book, will precisely identify the exact list of books that match a very particular, hard-to-find, and untaggable description.

As for the reason for my frustration at Wattpad, I created a website that randomly changed 15 images. Each image was using the source of an book cover image from Wattpad, as all book cover images are assigned by the ID of the book itself (e.g. 215500). So the images are showed for 1.5 seconds. Afterwards, the ID for each is incremented by 1, with each showing a different ID. So they go up and up, showing a different image each time. Over the course of about 15 minutes or longer, I intended to find a book cover of a book I deleted years ago, but I ended up having this realization that all the book covers were generic garbage that just added inflation and bloating. None of them added anything to the book whatsoever, and none of them were incentivized at all to write actually good stories. The book covers were all the same, and they followed all the same appearance and formula. None of them tried to be different, because none of them realized just how annoying it is to look for good books. They just consume whatever is most popular, and having an algorithm that recommends merely what is most popular is a bad system, because it is the content that matters, not the title, thumbnail (book cover), or description. This goes for videos as well, and it is why I believe that Youtube hopes to analyze their videos to the point that they can recommend based on content rather than title and tags alone. The Youtube algorithm is a very powerful system though and is very effective, because they have all kinds of data gathered from all kinds of places inside and outside Youtube with the help of Google.

But AI should help a lot in ensuring that meritocracy is the algorithmic essence of recommendations, tailoring, and personalization.

The amount of frustrated readers that have flooded my novels plays a role in helping me understand recommendation systems and algorithms better.

As mentioned earlier, discovering how fruitless, generic, bloated, and inflated 1,000 book covers were in Wattpad through the website that showed me 15 images every 1.5 seconds contributed to this newfound recognition.

Having experiences with AI language models and using it to analyze writing for years has led to this realization.

Having seen clickbait and other mindless generic content that catch the attention but can be very repetitive have added to this understanding.

There is too much value in this AI-directed system that it should not be created. I can foresee already. I am on a platform where there is an AI chatbot, and no visual list of novels. I tell it what I want to read, and it gives me a massive list, because I gave it a very plain description. After reading the first novel it recommended. I made corrections in my prompt. I told it, "Okay, I like the black-hair protagonist that uses a sword, but don't make him use an axe ever." Then the AI understands and selects novels where the protagonist uses a sword mainly and never uses an axe for the entirety for the story. Done. But I shake my head after reading the novel because while the protagonist never uses an axe, he does something I don't like. The protagonist attacks female enemies. So I write in the prompt, "I don't like it when the protagonist hits enemies." The AI understands this expansion of the prompt and hands out a novel that fits the composite description. I read the book and say, "Wait a minute, I do not like it when it starts off fast. I love it when it describes the world first before it gets into the action." So it gives me a recommendation based on that with the previous prompts combined. I then read the book and say, "It's still too fast. I want one where it takes up at least several chapters." Then the AI gets to work and recommends something based on that. Then I say, "Well, what if the protagonist tries to kill a dragon around chapter 10 or so?" The AI gives a prompt where it does just that, but the list of novels that match the description has is now 11 only, when in previous prompts it was above 1,000. So I read the novel the AI gave and say, "Well, what if the protagonist was black?" The AI shakes its head and gives up, saying, "There is no novel that matches your whole description." I say then, "Well, why don't you write it?" The AI, having been trained to focus only on recommending rather than writing stories to maintain the human-created rule, says, "I can't do that. That goes against the website's terms of service" or something like that. I say then, "Okay, then, can I ask someone to write a story for me?" The AI then shows a list of writers looking for prompts, and he sends my whole description to one of the prompt-waiting writers. I then say, "It's too long still. Some of them are too slow. I will write it myself." That is how unique stories are made. This is through empirical methods.

This is not a real story, but this is what that AI would look like if it was created.

This means new stories will be much easily made because an AI can confirm whether the very particular description or prompt has existed before.

Imagine if the reader was like, "Give me a very unique prompt or novel." Then the AI says, "It is subjective. Please give me a precise prompt. Or I can give you a list of novels that might match that description." So the AI tries to imagine what a "very unique" prompt might mean, and then it realizes that it has access to the reader's reading history and previous chat logs with the AI itself. So it looks for stories that is unique relative to this data set that the user has provided.

Imagine the evolution of writing styles. The reader might ask after reading a recommended fantasy novel by the AI, "Too descriptive. I think that's too slow-paced and badly written." So the AI says okay and gives a list of novels that might fit that description of being relatively less descriptive. If the reader asks after reading, "Well, I prefer less disjointed and faster pace." The AI gives a list of novels that match that description. Then reader says, "Well, too fast. I want moments where the characters have a gathering and hang out like buddies and it's comedy, fun, and immersive like there's nothing else in the world." The AI matches that description and rolls out a list of novels. The reader then says, "Finally." Let's say he finishes the whole list of novels. Then the reader says, "Are there more?" The AI says, "There are two new novels since you asked." Then reader reads those. "Any more," he says. The AI replies, "Sorry, no more." The reader then says, "Okay, it's fine. I was getting bored of them after all. Any sci-fi that matches my description?" The AI then goes on and gives the list. This goes on and on refinement after refinement. It is straight to the point, and no middle man needed to go tell another middle man to go tell another middle to go tell another middle one to get the exact book. This is not how it actually is in real life, but I am just using this schematic to demonstrate that AI gets straight to the point and says it as it is, as closely as possible.

If titles, book covers, and descriptions fool people such that people just are willing to read any story no matter what these titles, book covers, and descriptions say, that's bad. If they rely on these titles, book covers, and descriptions, that's bad as well.

Incentivizing authors to make titles, book covers, and descriptions that catch the eye does not lead necessarily to good stories, and it can set readers up for frustration when authors can have good titles, book covers, and descriptions but are only "meh".

Incentivizing content is much, much better, and it is why the "AI analyzing content" route is much more powerful for making meaningful suggestions, rather than the very weak and abuseable character of titles, book covers, and descriptions.

It is not about filtering "low quality" content. That is dangerous thinking. It is about filtering out content that does not match the user's personal descriptions for what they believe to be high quality content.

It is crazy that I am dissatisfied with the way things are, and I look toward the future. I thought I would be stuck in the past, but I feel that I am only stuck in the past because I want to appreciate everything that I overlooked. This appreciation leads to a better appreciation not only of the past, but of the present and of the future. This allows me to be grounded as well, because appreciation elements that I've overlooked means precision and comprehensiveness far beyond a limited viewpoint. This has likely contributed to my current vision for AI. It is not a unique vision, however, but it does show that taking the time to appreciate comprehensively and precisely the past can lead to a better understanding of the future and the problems of the present and how they might be solved.

We are so limited today, and I see that now, even after everything that has improved. However this also means that AI might one day understand so well that it writes the stories themselves. That is why I believe that one day, even if AI can take over everything, people will find a way to prevent it from taking over everything, because even if the AI is good at representations, it will not be able to replace the human mind. Novels might be more inclined to simplicity and wish fulfillment, so they are more predictable. But with the AI-directed recommendation algorithm, it does necessarily have to mean that readers will not like human authors. That is why I gave the example earlier that the platform is analyzed and algorithmically managed by an AI but used by human writers and readers for human writers and readers.


July 03, 14:47:53 – July 03, 14:52:42
Observing Increased Writing Output and Reaffirming Documentation Goals


In 13 hours, I've written 11,362 words. From July 2nd 11:45 PM to July 3rd 2:45 PM.

I wasn't even writing the entire time today, but I was on my computer the whole day, just periodically engaging in other things in the computer. Rather than feeling the intense heat of writing much more intensely, it is simply that I write many more words than I do before. It is weird. My general feeling has not changed. The only difference is that I can see more words at the end of the day. That means my writing speed has increased gradually overtime such that my body does not even tell the difference until I select the text I've written and see the word count. However, that does not mean I feel the same as I did months ago, but I feel normal.

But I can tell that even if I feel normal, everything has changed. Gradual improvement can masquerade as no change at all.

My goal is to self-document and appreciate all the overlooked aspects of my life and address everything that I've experienced. That will take very long to write, so that motivates me. It is healing to confront and address the past, and it allows me to move on and contribute to an increase creativity and wholeness of self.


July 03, 15:12:17
Cryptic Reflection: Cruelty, Creation, Sustenance, and Freedom


The world is a cruel place for those who have come, and those that do demand to be free from the pain create life out of the darkness.

The reason why I take this seriously is because it has long been essential for me to eat meat in the morning.

The world remains a cruel place for those who wish to become a part of it, and it remains to be the case that all of this who demand to be a circumscribe part of it eat meat in the morning when it is breakfast time and the Damal wolves have come. It is an awesome thing to be here and basking in the sun, where people might have considered themselves of greater nature of plight. This man considers himself of the greatest honor, that he might be free from the bondage of self-consideration and that of slavery.


July 03, 18:11:44
Philosophical Musings on the Recursive Nature of "Humanness"


A dog is almost as much as he is a dog as he is a dog. This means that a human being is more likely to experience the state of humanness, in the sense that he is recursively and self-referentially anthropologically concerned with his own anthropological concerns. He does not become more complex so as to break from this human standard. Just as much as a dog is as much as a dog as he is a dog, so are humans human as he is a human. I feel this is a complex way to say that the manner and degree in which a human is a human underpins his essence as a human. And this is the clause of dogness or humanness, that whatever action or praxis they undertake underpins only their humanness because those very actions and praxis are done via their humanness.


July 03, 18:11:46 – July 03, 18:18:51
Exploring the Boundaries of Humanness: Evolution, Technology, and Anthropological Limits


Is he saying there is no escape to humanness unless something is created that can no longer be linguistically considered human?

What if a human becomes "non-human" That is the question. Ship of theseus argument. Is the ancestor of a human a human? No one would say that, but is the human the species of the ancestor then? If the ancestor to which we're referring to is, let's say, chimpanzees, then are humans chimpanzees? If humans are not chimpanzees, then what comes after us evolutionarily is no longer human based on this logic. Can we say the same for non-traditional evolutionary processes such as that done through technology such as through gene editing and hypothetical futuristic ways of altering the human canvas?

Then, that means our humanness is not distinct to logic or science, but only a current host for it.

Then the "we" are is already gone, foretold, and destined in the sense that it is dictated by our humanness. We cannot say for sure what lies beyond our human standards and beyond humanity. We do not know for sure what logic and science is beyond humanity, as we are not distinct to logic and science. We are only like guests to its presence or hosts that allow it under our roof for a while, but we do not imprison them, because we cannot. We only exist as bearers of the current thing that we have learned to understood, but which we were only given through the land upon which we emerged, lived, and grew.

Then we may have to give up then, if for the sake only of learning what lies beyond the anthropological viewpoint through the anthropological viewpoint. Sci-fi and futurism provide ways to explore what humanity might be like beyond ourselves, all while being offered only through products of humanity. Not only sci-fi, but we have seen many ways humans have expressed themselves in complex ways that cannot be so easily understood. But even then, we remain human all the way. We cannot renounce our humanity, but we can try in framework thinking.

"We are only as much as we are," is a fitting statement here.


July 03, 18:28:01 – July 03, 18:34:54
The Value of Experiencing Vastness and Writing Vivid Descriptions for Synthesis


It is interesting that even after all this time, I can still experience vastness. I just look at a picture of a great mountain and listen to ambient music. I can use my memories of hiking and trekking in mountainous areas.

Nothing like it. I know people who look like they need to feel that feeling. They get way too stuck in urban life and get so lost that they forget that they're tiny little people in tiny little homes in the face of vastness and richness far beyond themselves.

It is something that I will never forget, and it is one of the favorite things I love writing. I know that some people have a distaste for long swathes of vivid description, but I love writing and immersing myself in them. It feels so good to get into the moment and immerse myself. It really helps me contextualize everything that I've written before and immerse in them better even when I know that those stories forwent describing many things and focused on particular things. Every time I go into a character study or into a study of vivid descriptions of things, as in I describe mountains figuratively or write just about anything in a way that stimulates vividness, descriptiveness, and narration as a study, it affects everything that I've written before and allows me to appreciate things better. It may feel that I am just writing things I've already seen, but that is not necessarily true. I synthesize what I've learned and generate new original insights, and that itself is fulfilling and allows me to dance around expressionistically without caring for a particular consistent rhythm and focusing more on being able to find a sense of finesse in multivarious ways besides a single monotonous rhythm. I love multiple facets of expression, and writing has allowed me to explore numerous ways of engaging with the world, beyond just observational description, as I have been given the advantage of vivid descriptions and figurative ones. I have also been able to explore plotlines, characterizations, interpersonal interactions, and all kinds of things that I would not otherwise study if it was not for these syntheses that occur with fiction writing. Fiction writing is healthy for my non-fiction academic studies, because they stimulate and synthesize, which are of vital importance to appreciating what I've learned more. It puts things together and places it upon a wide canvas to blend it altogether that it may yield complex tastes and wonders. It is a perfection of experience.


July 03, 18:39:43 – July 03, 19:18:20
Surreal Fiction Snippet: Dogs, Blooms, and the Silence of Oblivion


Dogs lit up shadows upon the wooden night: behind them, dark stark street lights crept up, quivering without halting, quieting without muffling snow. This was a daylight black-out, as it had been swallowed by absence, nothing more, nothing less.

When it comes to the dogs and their behavior, they were quick to rend the floor with their claws, pouncing step by step, jittering and standing uglily by. Like buttered beans pressing against the cheeks, the dogs doggedly trained their legs, their feet trotting about. They knew ways to make their feet talk, and opened up a scenery upon which they could shout. "Bark, bark, bark," they went. Their voices hummed like syrupy leaves upon their finish.

Following this, the third focus after the dogs and the nearby village emerged. This was a group of red blooms in crystal-clean air visually drowning out the sea lights, and now, in this land, where the sea had little presence, and the villages which owned the streets could close their lights only in such a wake, these blooms, which were magical, hurriedly fell down by the shoots of air that led them to the ground, plummeting and singing the forest floor. Upon the glade, with a natural thunk, it marred the ground and began seeping into it, like a man plunging his fist into the snow. The dogs nearby were stunned, stuttering and making their way into the smog-like puff of dark. They hoped they were shielded upon the trees' shadowy embrace.

Intensely, the blooms magically inhabited the earth, telling it to stop breathing before slitting its throat and bringing it up to be crucified and then chopped like golden camels in a desert street fight between riders.

Differently, the sounds of northern wind moved through, entering into the throats of the men and women of the village.

Overall: the dogs, the village, and the blooms, they were all meanderingly complex, and only time could explain what was going to be their fates.

Serving as a natural pause or buffer to their exploration, the silence mingled with the day time.

Soon, the light of dawn went, opening its eyes and raising its hands, telling everyone to shout, "Good morning!" 

It waited, standing up from sitting on the ground resting, looking around, finding out that the village was building something bigger. But then seeing it empty of workers, it realized something. "Where is everyone?"

It did not know what to do, so it kept walking, avoiding the parts where the shadow hit. It wanted to respect this truce it made between itself and darkness.

But it really wanted to find someone and fast.

It looked around before sitting down, thinking that maybe it was a good time to think about this. What was going to happen from now?

It did not know what to do.

It looked around and saw something.

A body.

The sunlight looked hard at it enough that it was stunned and let it be, not even bothering to clean it up.

Earlier, this same sunlight went, opened its eyes, raised its hands, and told everyone to shout, "Good morning!" 

But no one did. Not even the dogs.

Because they were all gone.

The blooms as well.

This was the silence of oblivion.


July 04, 00:08:45 – July 04, 00:24:47
Fiction Snippet: Robert Pedro's Introduction to Earth Bastoin via God's AR Preview


The world began with lovely puff of wind, starting anew, before a human man was placed there by God. This was Earth Bastoin, and the human, an individual from Earth, had no idea what the hell this all was.

"Okay... so you're telling me that I gotta get used to this?" the human said. His name was Robert Pedro. He had little clue as to the specifics he needed to wear, or customs he needed to adopt, or if he needed to take a bath differently now. These were important questions.

God said, "Well... I can show you." He opened up a room that he expanded, basically amounting to an augmented reality view through which they could glimpse at the evolving world 500 years after it was created. "I already had some pre-installed sets, you know. So just watch this for a moment." He raised his hand and removed his middle finger, before popping it back into place. "Okay, that should do it. I made sure to have a few guys appear. I would usually use Goldilocks and Bandit, but these are more special creature-men... This should be fun. Watch this." Through the room, which was an entire screen, that showed what was happening in Earth Bastoin, creature-men emerged.

The human man, Mr. Pedro, stared at the group of fellow creature-men from Earth Bastoin, about to wonder what manner of creature or existence could cause the following scene.

There was a man in a white shirt and a group of people wearing what he could only describe as "hijacker suits." They were staring each other down in a confrontation it seemed.

"I saw a bright light," said the man in the white shirt, his heart beaming out with a great tidal wave. He shot missing shots, tearing open little white bags, that upon tearing, created explosions in the horizon that exploded step by step, moving all the way to his target, collaterally damaging things along the way.

His enemies moved and danced like men in a Sriracha dance, their hands touching their hips and adjusting their bodies such that their body flowed like little men who could alter their bodies in instance 90-degree–limited rotations. They created waves this way, shooting blasts of wind that struck the man in the white shirt.

The man in the white shirt flew above using a balloon, tearing it open to increase the mass of his explosion. The balloon reformed again as he bit his arm, blood dripping to the ground.

His enemies raised their arms and hands and lowered them in a thunderous fall, dropping to their knees and releasing their hands toward the ground, smashing the forest floor. The floor cracked before becoming fixed again, and then positioned central to them, the sky over a 500 meters range grew red, green, and blue. Eyes appeared out of the winds, and aimed themselves at the man in the white shirt, stopping a few meters from him and exploding. Upon doing so, the man in the white shirt experienced internal pain that left him staggering.


July 04, 01:14:22
Appreciating Journal Growth and Planning Content Migration to Anytype/Wordpress


My writings have grown so much value the better I write. I was looking through my journal, as I am going to grab all the stories and put them into Anytype to separate and categorize them. I'm doing this because I intend to post them all on Wordpress. Currently, my journal is 260,000 words, and I wrote that all in 37 days. So that is close to 7,000 words per day. My writing is much more consistently faster, but it is also much more high quality when I was looking through them again. It is nice to see that my journal and writing has grown to this degree. Increasing value is my goal. The more that I find value in my own writings as reflections of myself and my knowledge, experiences, and vast and rich life and past, the better.


July 04, 05:56:50 – July 04, 06:08:38
Analyzing the Nuances of Privacy, Comfort, and Strategic Social Behaviors


I think I've realized the nature of privacy. Activities can be divided into non-private activities and private activities. An individual might desire to make private his singing, but the privacy of this activity is compromised. Then it is moved into non-private activities, so they do not provide a sense of privacy upon doing them. A healthy adult individual longs for both privacy and non-privacy, whereas a child may not feel as intense a need for privacy because he experienced trust without borders and restrictions, thus making them very sensitive and vulnerable and dysfunctional when tasked with complex challenges that require a degree of resilience and self-reliance, which is most activities more commonly beginning from adolescence. An adult, who feels tired but not tired enough to sleep, will be in a state of physical vulnerability, which extends to a sense of vulnerability. This can require the individual to engage in private activities that restore a sense of privacy in this time, but if they are not tired, they might still desire privacy, but to a lesser degree. To expand the above-stated singing privacy scenario, if an adult manages to internalize singing as a private activity by making it so that his room is soundproofed to the point that no one can hear him and he can record himself and for himself and publish whenever he wants, then singing is private to him. However, it is the loss of privacy that occurs when the singing is heard by others whom he did not intentionally allow, due to the lack of soundproofing, that turns singing into a non-private activity. This is complex and nuanced of course, as there might be certain songs that he feels are too private that he sings them only when he feels reaches a threshold of privacy (but not complete privacy) and songs that are non-private that he will sing openly when he has not reached a particular threshold of privacy.

This is why just because something is comforting, it does not mean that it is private. So adult individuals will engage in activities that they would never do when their privacy is compromised and only do them when their privacy is secured because it reinforces and re-establishes their sense of privacy and by extension, their sense of self.

This is of vital importance because comforting activities can be mistaken to be effective in both private and non-private scenarios, when that can rarely be the case. People separate things to maintain a sense of privacy and self. Some comforting activities are ineffective at reinforcing and reestablishing that sense of self. For example, an adult individual might find singing to be non-private and comforting, but that also means that it is not helpful when he desire a sense of privacy. He will engage instead in activities like browsing through social media because it is a private ritual that reinforces his sense of privacy, safety, and self.

This is why it is crucial that people do not intrude upon someone else's activities if their goal is to maintain a sense of privacy in those activities, or in other words, to keep them private rather than non-private. If an individual intends to keep drawing a private activity, it is crucial to ensure that no one disturbs and compromises the privacy of that activity by being in the room and having direct access to viewing his drawing. This way, they can avoid the unintended disturbance of the individual's private rituals. Individuals whose privacy is persistently compromised and disturbed will seek more and more intense activities to maintain a sense of privacy. They might adopt a different accent, language, mannerisms, and behavior to grant themselves a sense of being protected and masked. However, this is provisional, and when maintained over an extended duration, can induce mental instability. These privacy-securing coping mechanisms are not always obvious, but one can easily tell them based on how often someone does something when they're alone and when they're being watched. That is naturally hard to tell, but there are some activities that can be identified. For example, if an individual's choice of privacy is talking, then they will talk out loud when they are alone and be silent when they are being watched. The issue here is that if the individual knows they are being heard and that this is detected and known by others, then that will compromise the sense of privacy. They will start adopting a different way of acting and speaking even when no one is in the room because they know that others have heard them before. This puts the individual's wellbeing at risk.

This can get very complex. For instance, an individual might intentionally sing badly to "scare off" people into leaving the immediate room. This way, they can sing privately and honestly. 

When the adult individual knows that certain behavior of actions put somebody off enough to make them leave the immediate room, they will be incentivized to engage in them if it secures them a sense of privacy. For example, an individual uses swearing strategically because the other person dislikes hearing swearing but is not the type to confront others about it, so they leave the room. In another example, an individual vents, which is reinforced by the discomfort of compromised privacy, because they know the other person dislikes hearing others vent out loud. These are two examples of complex behavior that can be hard to identify. This can extend to influence the individual's general behavior such that they swear more often, because it has secured them much sense of privacy, safety, and self before.

Others might think that the person likes to be heard, when that is actually the exact opposite of what they want. They are venting and swearing only in the presence of others to make them leave, so that the person will not be heard when they are finally engaging in their private activities, such as drawing, writing, or any other activity that gives them private, sense of self–securing comfort.

These people who desire privacy might say that they love to be hated if it means securing themselves a sense of privacy and having people not expect things from or pressure them such that their privacy and sense of self is compromised. However, in some instances, this can also become contradictory. For example, the person might be trying their best to fulfill expectations while also wishing that they did not have to deal with these expectations, emphasizing that they were just normal and they would rather be hated and tossed away if it meant that they could be free. Therefore, internal conflict can create contradictions and complications, as issues are often an ongoing process.

Wanting to fit in can be seen as reflecting a desire to be private, safe, secure, and free from special expectations, responsibilities, and preconceptions.


July 04, 06:15:07
Questioning Authorial Repetitive Phrasing for Clarity on the Nuances of Privacy Definitions.


why does the author go to lengths in repetitive phrasing, are they trying to ensure that this topic is fully clear, even at the cost of repetition?

I mean, the topic and definition of privacy and its adjacent concerns and ideas is definitely nuanced, complex, and can be hard to pin down due to how much it varies across individuals, communities, peoples, cultures, and countries.

[REDACTED]


July 04, 08:17:04 – July 04, 08:19:23
Affirming Anecdotes as Intuitive Springboards for Understanding Complex Contexts and Frameworks.


Interesting that they use the initial topic as a jumping platform to delve into the comprehensive context

It is the best way to delve into complex topics. It is most intuitive to the speaker who is remembering, and it is intuitive to the listener who needs to hold onto something exciting and interesting before delving into the context, like watching an exciting esports game before delving into the history.

The thing about anecdotes is that while they can be less formal, they are much more higher quality than general framework ideas left in the air.

Having broader frameworks be brought into reality with anecdotes by showing that these complexities and nuances can be viewed systematically is often the most effective way to reach any reader, whether researcher or layperson.


July 04, 09:39:27
Critiquing the Use of Dreams and Dream-Like Stories in Cultural Analysis While Affirming Critical Pluralism.


I believe that dreams say much about the individual, but not about society in the sense that dreams should be considered as much as a factor as the individual is aware of it. This is not an invalidation of the biological and psychological aid of sleep and dreams. But I am emphasizing that dreams and dream-like stories generated from an individual's dream-like thoughts should not be considered to be an adequate factor, if at all, with regard to the scientific examination of an entire culture. I believe that if we are referring to the development of culture, it is an aberration to use dreams and dream-like stories through the contradictory claims of structuralism, Freudianism, mythography, and anthropology, as their combinations and aberrations have nothing to do with a scientific discipline. The confusion and turmoil resulting from these different schools in modern criticism expose this. Rather than going to the extremes or Pyrrhonism, however, it is possible to consider critical pluralism superior to dogmatic absolutism and to admit the value eclecticism.



July 04, 10:28:58 – July 04, 10:33:12
Critiquing Pretentious Abstraction in Kandinsky's "Point and line to plane" Compared to Philosophical Clarity, with a Note on Drawing Pad Annotations.


this is very bad:
'turning from lyrical organizations of effervescent colour expressions to a more dramatic clarification of definite form and space precision'

it's not my writing. I'm just saying the author is writing badly because he decides what these words mean

I feel this is bad writing from "Point and line to plane":

    feel that it is bad writing because no one knows what "lyrical" means. Even philosophy is clearer than this

I feel that modern art has this tendency where it feels pretentious, and I can see it now with the writing. Philosophy is much more agreeable than this because it makes sure that it uses terms that appeal to actually well-described things

One example of bad writing from "Point and line to plane":
'As his last paintings prove, with intense concentration, Kandinsky increasingly refined the precision of balance in the given space of the painting, as the innermost powerful essence of its rhythmic tension.'

No one knows how he uses these terms, because he does not explain them

It's not academic writing even. It's just random words put together without explanation. I read academic texts from zoology to biology to philosophy.

Writing that is abstract for the sake of abstraction and obscuring the language and giving it a sense of grandiosity. It is pretentious

I feel that the writing of the book ""Point and line to plane" is not even art criticism, literature, or philosophy. It does even amount to philosophy or literature.

My writing is very surrealistic, but it does not need to communicate a precise grounded idea anyway because it is fiction. But if I do that in academic writing, then that is horrible. "Point and line to plane" is not academic writing.

Even Foucault and Derrida who called post-structuralists (which basically renounces structuralism, with many associating it with the limitations of language) were very clear in their writing.

But "Point and line to plane" is not that.

My goodness, I love academic texts, and I hate academic texts. It is so nice that after a whole month of studying academic texts, I eschew it now, maybe for this whole month of July. It is really nice to get back to ground level.

I wrote in the art drawing pad:

I started		(Wrote date now:
    this around	|
        mid-June	>July 4, 2024       Start: mid-June
            __________       ___________
                    It means that I wrote these text on
                                                July4,2024



July 04, 10:38:18 – July 04, 10:42:42
Defining Gameplay "Arrogance" Through a League of Legends Example: Strategic Side-Lane Pressure During a Tense Standoff.

    
I love the concept of arrogance in gameplay, that one presses advantages. Like, imagine a story that depicts people fighting each other with strategy, and one sees the protagonist's team (PT) pressing their advantage while one of them pushes on side lanes (League of Legends).

The fact that the PT is pressuring the enemy team (ET) by standing their ground and throwing skills at them, provoking them and grabbing their attention since they have baron buff. So while the ET is thinking they're doing the right thing by catching the PT attention and pushing PT's first-tier mid lane tower after the PT got baron, giving them an opportunity. In reality, the PT had one of them push side line at ET's second-tier top-lane tower.

The best part is that the PT is in a three vs five because the support with them does not really count because they're low health and mana. But the actual strongest one in the PT is the top laner who is pushing the side lane.

It was not a battle really. It was a very tense stand-off, with both teams attempting to bait the other into jumping in and getting caught by the wiggle-prepared team, using skill shots and hurling melee attacks before backing off immediately or within a distance. The way both teams kept their distance and wiggled back and forth showed that this was them establishing control. However, the whole time, while both teams looked the same in that wiggle-wiggle confrontation, the PT was actually securing the advantage through the side lane.

That is what I mean by "arrogance."

[REDACTED]

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July 04, 14:09:08
Redefining Nostalgia as Transformative Imagination of Past Daily Lives and Reassessing Past vs. Present Self Knowledge.


I understand what nostalgia looks like... It looks like looking at an image of the daily life of those stories that I read and imagining them. Imagining the daily life of those fiction worlds. Imagining the daily life of those Minecraft servers and worlds we played. Imagining the daily lives of those memories as if they were ongoing daily things. Imagining the daily life of those settings in video games like Stronghold Crusader. Remember much from music alone, because its vibe matches so many different times. Daily life.

I can still see myself running around in that video game and being immersed in it. I can still see myself playing Minecraft in those worlds with my siblings and friends. I can still see myself reading those fiction stories and imagining what daily life would be like in those worlds. Those stories might have had particular plot lines, but my memories allow me to imagine daily life outside of those plot lines and in those worlds.

It is less nostalgia, but it is more so a transformative experience that turns past events into ongoing daily lives.

It is definitely connected with what-ifs, and that is why it is transformative. Our imagination creates scenarios that look similar to what-ifs. It looks upon those experiences as if they were not just in a video game, but real worlds themselves with ongoing daily lives. When I look at those Fantasy worlds, there is nostalgia because my imagination has transformed those stories into ongoing daily lives of their worlds.

It also goes into memories and what life was life in the past. Imagining that is transformative because we do not remember everything, but we can remember glimpses of the past. And that allows us to create ongoing daily lives in those narratives. We can imagine the daily lives of those times and how we saw the world during those times.

Rather than looking at a collection of images, imagining the past as ongoing daily lives allows us to connect with our past selves better and our limitations and focuses back then.

The thing about the past is that I simple did not know. I did not know what I do now, so I would have looked at everything very differently. But I looked at things the way I was limited. I learned from those experiences, and it can be sad to look at the past and feel that there is so much that was overlooked. I did focus on things in the past, and that contributed to my current perspective. If I knew back then what I do now, then I would not experience things the same way, and I would be a totally different person today.

The truth is... Rather than looking at the past like I knew things that my present self today does not, I should realize that I simply did not know. My past self was very ignorant in many ways, and it may have experienced things. But it did not necessarily understand it enough to put into words. That is our job today, now that we have grown up, to put our past experiences into words. Our past selves simply did not understand the things we do now. I should recognize that my present self is the best candidate to talk about the past rather than my past self who was experiencing those experiences as they happened, which meant that they did not have the benefits of hindsight and being able to view them much more precisely, comprehensively, and holistically.

Rather than feeling that the past self knew things we did not, it is more that the past self experienced a lot of things that we can put into words today.

It is the present self that knows, not the past self. But the past self has experienced a lot, which is worth exploring by the present self.


July 04, 19:33:03
Reflecting on the Paradox of Weakness and Strength in a Pious Youth with a Strong Support Structure.


I remember how weak I was growing up, yet how strong I was. I was part of a large community, and I was very obedient and pious. I had a very tight support structure that made it challenging for me to feel that my life had little meaning. Everything that I did was characterized by definition, even if it was not necessarily based on facts, but it was based on optimism and positive values like helping others and moral integrity portrayed as central to a Christian life. Though I am no longer a believer, I miss that time of my life because while I was very ignorant of many things, I was experiencing a lot and learning much in the process. It is only now that I'm finally able to write down about that time of my life.


July 04, 19:58:50 – July 04, 19:59:50
Listing Academic Disciplines in Paleo-Studies and Physical Geography.


Paleoclimatology
Palaeogeography
Paleoecology
Paleohydrology
Physical geography

[REDACTED]


July 04, 23:28:27
Recalling Familiar Childhood Sounds: Electric Grass Trimmers and Construction Noise.


I remember the sounds of electric corded grass trimmers growing up. It was one of the hallmarks of my childhood, along with construction. I remember hearing the sound of someone using a hammer or something to hit metal, probably nails. I was reminded of this when I read a comment on a Youtube Shorts video about sprinkler irrigation that remarked that the sound of farm sprinklers was a familiar one from childhood.


July 05, 02:30:40
Retrospectively Realizing Own Attractiveness from Five Years Prior (2020).


I just realized that I was attractive 5 years ago in 2020. What is interesting is that I did not see myself as particularly attractive that time. I did send an audition application to two entertainment companies, but it is only now that I look back in July 5, 2024 that I realize just how attractive I did not know I was.

I guess it really clouds the perception to be in that body, but since I've changed so much since then, I can look myself like I would look at anyone else.


July 05, 05:11:13 – July 05, 05:30:36
Reimagining Livestreaming as a Primary Communication and Documentation Tool Enhanced by AI Transcription, Transcending Entertainment.


Is there a way to frame livestreaming differently? As of now, livestreaming looks like hell simple as that, but it should not be. Livestreaming, ideally, should be a bastion of documentation and communication, and it has been so for many people. When I write, why is it so much more fulfilling? Reading academic texts especially. Is it because livestreaming is used mainly for entertainment and not as a primary mode of communication?

The idea that they can reach the entire world in the language in which they speak will completely revolutionize communication, but why is livestreaming framed the way it is now? It should not be. Livestreaming, just like recording videos, talking, and writing, is a form of communication. It should ideally make it much more immediate and efficient because the teachers can read texts out loud and communicate their ideas immediately without the time it takes for books to reach households. Moreover, people will be able to watch it even if they do not have access to the physical book. They can share free links to their books or their teachings online.

Imagine how much time that is used waiting can be cut off if technology grants us immediate access to each other. Ideally, this should make it much easier for people to take care of themselves better because they do not live in a world full of long lines and a lot of paper work. Livestreaming can bridge the gap and make it so that people from all kinds of backgrounds, as long as they have access to Internet and standard phones, will be able to reach each other at incredibly fast speeds. Imagine people from across the world being able to show each other what life is like, even people in villages. With innovations like Starlink, who knows how much more unified we can be if everyone can see other almost instantly?

This is not texting and writing. This is livestreaming. It should triumph over texting and writing in most cases, because ideally, it is speaking but geographically unbounded. Everyone can speak, but not everyone can read and write.

I understand that writing will not be eliminated, as records are still essential. But I am referring to livestreaming as the new form of speaking.

Rather than moving away from reality, I believe we are getting closer to each other in reality.

Currently, I want to livestream, and I have looked at my previous attempts at using livestream to communicate generally, not to entertain. However, they have largely failed, mostly due to my lack of preparation, familiarity, and systematic framework. That is okay, because now that I've invested much into writing, then it will be much, much easier for me to go ahead and livestream, archiving those livestreams, and using it as a very regular almost-everyday form of communication. Most people struggle with everyday livestreams, but what I can do is just have it be on everyday for the duration that I am awake. I can turn off the webcam. I can turn on. I can talk a lot, and I cannot talk. It is not entertainment. It is communication. One can already use the subtitles to navigate throughout a video. So it does not matter if the livestream is 10 years long. Sooner or later, Google's transcription will be so effective that livestreams will be 10 hours, but the subtitles give, with the help of AI language models, a very structured transcript that allows people to tune in and see what was said during those 10 hours. Or maybe, the livestream directly leads to a document that shows what was said. It immediately sends it to Google Drives. That is the point of what I am saying. It can be recorded textually automatically, so it is no longer just a livestream where the viewer has to look around for when the person is speaking. It is now a medium of communication because the livestream can be 10 hours yet the content is seen by Google and transcribed.

No, if livestreaming was structured like an essay necessarily, that would go against the point. The point is that it is like speaking. So the person just has the livestream always up, with their choice on whether the webcam is on or not, whether the microphone is on or not, and what the livestream shows visually. It will be used as a way to transcribe what a person says during the day publicly, and people can go and ask questions. This will be in line with the idea of people becoming so accessible that you can ask question from them during a livestream and get answers immediately because there are many people livestreaming and always on. It is not an intense feeling. It is like being on social media and having a presence there. It will no longer be a challenge to livestream for 10 hours a day, because the goal is that it will just be a regular form of communication supplanting speaking.

When I mentioned a "systematic approach," I refer to having a strong idea of one's life, goals, limits, and activities. This will make one much more flexible, clear, and effective in using livestreaming as a form of communication and documentation.

The automatic transcription of livestreams I mentioned will make livestream a superior form of speaking that directly leads to writing, because AI language models can automatically make the transcript readable. For context, the automatic transcriptions of Google for Youtube videos are not formatted effectively in standard language.

I do not believe that entertainment is of importance here and should not be mentioned. That is the not the ideal whereof I am speaking. If livestreaming is a form of communication, it should not inherently require a balance of entertainment and communication, because in the end, it should not be a requirement, but something that happens naturally as it occurs in speaking, because livestreaming is an evolved form of speaking.

Moreover, emphasizing education can make sense, but remember, it is a form of communication, not education. This leads to education, but it should not be circumscribed to education.


July 05, 09:02:09 – July 05, 09:14:38
Valuing Complex Dreams as Stories Despite the Burden of Recording Them: Recounting Ship Deck and Sci-Fi Path Dreams, and a Waking Cliff House Collapse Scenario.


    I honestly wish I did not have my dreams to write down. They're very complex, and they're valuable because they're not just random nothing-burgers. They actually have something about them that is incredibly valuable. Even if they are not necessarily based in reality, that is not the point. The dreams are themselves are valuable because they are very good stories firstly.

I remember a dream with my two younger brothers. I woke up on the bottom part of the ship, that which made up the body of the ship. We were under the top deck, and I remember that our parents were there at the deck, while it was only three of us in this suspicious-loo deck. The deck looked empty, and it was dark with light coming in from the left and right sides of the ship. However, it looked to be a small place, so while I imagined it to be the body of the ship, the actual place looked very small. So it was not this giant cavern-like cavity with lengthy cruise ship–like openings on the side. No, it was more like a single room. I and my siblings were sitting up, though I woke up when they were already long awake. I remember looking outside to my right and seeing the waves and knowing that we were already on the journey. In my mind, this was an actual ship with the bumping of the  caves. I could feel the bumping before I "knew" it was a ship, because it felt like there was this confirmation waiting to happen. Once I looked outside the ship, I remembered my "memories" and then realized that I had come here with my siblings and any other thoughts I had were false. There was this sense that I had woken up after a long nap and have finally returned to reality. Dreams like this are often good because they give the sense of a story. It is very coherent; however, there are questions as to why I thought where we were made up the body of the ship, but this could be explained as just being my grogginess at the time. I and my siblings might have talked, but it was never explained why we were there in this dark-looking room with the bright lights of the outside. I think I remember seeing land to our right or a ship. I saw the waves, and it looked real. I could see the very rippling texture of the waves when I looked to the right. I think I might have talked with my siblings about things for a while, but I do not remember what we said, only that there was this sense that I had finally come to my senses and remembered everything the same way as I am when I wake up in my room in reality.

I had another dream that was complex, and it involved children and robot AI robot spaceships on Earth. The world looked like this complex sci-fi world, and I remember that there were many complexities that I do not remember now. I remember that somehow I was helping these soldiers or interacting with these soldiers in a helpful way regarding an issue related to their system that compromised their survival. It meant that their flying ship would fall to the ground; however, I think I could not do anything. I remember that these soldiers were trying to stop kids by adding interruptions to a process, but the way this occurred was strange. It felt supernatural, as the kids and soldiers were not fighting each other directly. What was happening was that they were trying to inform a linear path. They were trying to place stuff in front of the incomplete path in order for it to be influenced by their additions. The kids were placing torture, bloodshed, and violence, while the soldiers were not doing that but probably doing something more standard. So the kids and the soldiers were not fighting, nor were the kids literally killing, torturing, and engaging in bloodshed. However, I remember seeing visuals that indicated that. When I saw the kids adding these things that influenced this path, I imagined it just as if I was seeing actual torturing and bloodshed. Based on what I felt during the dream, the path might have influenced something important, and it was up to me and the soldiers to make sure that the kids did not stop it. I also do not know why I call them "kids," but I guess that is the first word that popped in my mind when I woke up. I remember that we failed to save the soldiers, but I am not sure if we failed to stop the kids. I do remember that we were walking away knowing that this was the end of the soldiers. There were many other details, but this is all that I remember.

When I was in the process of waking up, having gained consciosuness to know that I was awake and that I had those two dreams, I used my remaining half-asleepness to imagine a vivid scene that depicted a house that was built on the side of a cliff and collapsed. I imagined that the story could involve this inciting incident that led to the single person who had been living in this house to run frantically as the fancy house was collapsing. I thought that afterwards, an interesting story could be written about the person going through street life and trying to recuperate. However, I then thought that this story has probably been explored before, relying again upon my idea that AI should be the one recommending novels in order to make novels much, much more personalized. This way, I will be able to find the numerous stories that are not popular that feature this exact inciting incident and plot, if it exists even.


July 05, 09:17:39
The Euphoria of Uninterrupted Sleep Correcting Sleep Debt and Schedule.


When I woke up the feeling was so good that I compared it to intercourse. It is crazy how good sleep is when it is to fix sleep debt directly. Rather than sleeping because I was sleeping at the same time again, I slept in the middle of the waking time. So what ended up happening was that I potentially corrected not only my sleep debt but also my sleep schedule, as I am now awake at 9 AM rather than late at night like I have been for a week or weeks probably.

There is something so euphoric about uninterrupted sleep.

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July 05, 20:54:19
Observing Linguistic Nuance: The Conventional vs. Technical Meaning of "Fighting Game" Regarding League of Legends.


Interesting that there is this "hypocrisy" within language and terms. It's not actual hypocrisy, but one can see that when someone says the word "fighting game" so as to refer to something else while watching League of Legends (LOL), my mind goes to games like Smash Bros or Tekken. It is interesting because LOL is a fighting game, but my mind does not see LOL as a "fighting game" because this term is reserved for the aforementioned games.

It is why language can be annoying to learn, because just because it is correct does not mean it's right.


July 05, 20:55:11 – July 05, 20:57:02
Interpreting Recent Increased Sleep Duration as Physiological Repayment of Sleep Debt.


I've been sleeping a lot recently. I think that's my body attempting to pay back sleep debts.

Yeah, I notice that yesterday I slept in the afternoon portion of my sleep schedule, and that made me feel very well-rested. But then I sleep again today for the entire afternoon until 8 PM. That means that I am restoring sleep debt, because there is no other way to explain the sudden need to sleep longer than I am awake.

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July 05, 23:20:01 – July 05, 23:28:06
Meta-Analysis of Fictional Premise: Justifying Character Background Detail and Explaining Opposing Views on Stability Through Socioeconomic Context.


Why much less description of her background? Is it because she lived a more normal life?

I mean, the man is weird.

The man has a very unique situation, and his life has gone in a way that does not reflect his most of his peers. As for the woman, she can much more relate to the average person in her country, but she went into volunteering and into an NGO, which is unusual.

Though, the man is what you consider to be a unique case even in his socioeconomic background. No one expects you to write 17 full-fledged novels, become a singer-songwriter, learn musical instruments, and write a 10-million-word autobiography-journal just because you are middle class or upper middle class. In fact, most people would expect that person to have a good high-paying job, and that is it.

Because of the above-stated background, it makes sense why the man is afraid of stability and stagnation, while the woman, who grew up in a lower-income neighborhood, prefers the stability of her current life, which is in stark contrast with her upbringing and that of her younger brother.

His upbringing was characterized by curiosity from the start, and the fact that he was rewarded so much, even if after quitting high school, only further contributes to his fear of stability.

As for the woman, it makes sense that she prefers stability. In contrast, the man has been taught since childhood to fear stagnation, and this has only been confirmed and supported by high experiences in his late adolescent years and adulthood.

It is a little sad that the context makes this clear. I mean, just because it makes sense does not make it any less saddening. People are affected by their socioeconomic backgrounds, and while the man is definitely unusual, it was only possible because of his upbringing.

The man might be considered self-made, but both he and the woman are products of their background.


July 05, 23:31:51
Meta-Reflection: The Diminishing Sense of Surprise in Media Consumption and Finding Novelty in Self-Analysis and Documentation.


Moving onto the meta level, the fact that I can analyze this makes me a little sad. Even recently, I've been trying to read manga and webcomics, but honestly, at this point, I do not get surprised. A little chuckle here and there from familiar but heart-warming jokes is fine. But in terms of storytelling and even within academic texts, my mind is growing much less surprised. This has been an issue that I've been bringing up since three weeks ago, and I understand that many might find what I say strange and even preposterous. I cannot pretend that the only thing left that I can do is put things, especially my own life, into words. That is the last frontier of novelty in my life—the analysis and written exploration of my own life.


July 05, 23:55:36 – July 06, 00:26:45
Critiquing "Privacy," Academic Publishing, and Supporting Piracy for Open Access: A Post-Structuralist View on Systemic Bias and Power Structures.


To start with a broader viewpoint, the reason the word "privacy" is suspicious to me and why the intersection between privacy, piracy, and rooting can get very complex is because I am against the weaponization of privacy to distribute images featuring abuse, especially concerning children. I also prefer it if people contributed more to the Internet in terms of their knowledge and experiences to make the world a much more transparent and clearer in place. Piracy is also concerning because in many ways, it has been used to discourage practices that make it challenging for people to get access to academic texts, and rooting in phones is something with which I am okay.

To begin the main point, I have grown to see the faults of academic publishers that force the researcher to pay to make it free. It aggravates me. That is why piracy is complex and why I support it in cases like these.

The issue is when creators are not given fair compensation, and it is the publishers that are demanding more and more money. There is already so much abuse done by publishers against researchers that impede scientific progress, so you can imagine that even researchers advocate for piracy in these contexts. It is not the creators that are the ones losing. It is the publishers.

There have been many attempts by researchers at establishing their own publishing non-profit companies to disseminate open research; however, it is still a challenge because of how hard it is to root out traditional publishers. Academia can have a reputation for both the greats and for stagnation, but even historically, it has always been traditional institutions, especially academic ones, that impeded the new ideas that the greats brought to the world. 

Academia, as it is traditionally and historically, can be so petty and immature in this case, and that is why researchers who do believe that this is not "true academia" or "true scientific progress" support alternative means of obtaining access and distributing and conducting research, especially given suspect profit-oriented motives by publishers and their influence on researchers.

The more scientific progress is restricted to profit-driven institutional elites and sycophants, the more humanity will stagnate.

The conflict of interest is always an issue, even when not explicitly stated in the research paper. There will always be conflict of interest, especially when considering the predatory character that traditional academic publishers can exhibit.

The worst part is that successful researchers will dismiss the objectives and claims of open research as being based on trickery and alternative or politically motivated science (such as that in the Science Wars and pseudoscience). There is cognitive bias and conflict of interest in their disapproval, given that listening to successful people does not bring light into the challenges that many others have faced and failed to obtain success. The fact that their career, prestige, and legacy is validated and built upon traditional power structures makes them a frequent target of post-structuralist and postmodernist thinkers.

They throw around the word "objective" all the time, which can be very dangerous when considering epistemological implications and how they intersect with political and cultural structures and traditional power structures within the history of academia and how they inform new researchers entering the field. It can be dangerously recursive and self-referential. While it may seem that it is changing and making novel changes, the success of those who established new research, created new framework and techniques, and brought new evidence is attributed as being the success of traditional academic institutions rather than the researchers themselves. This makes it so that the entirety is being collated within a a framework, so internally, when one is already roped in, it may seem like it is changing. But from the outside, it is like an immortal adult human body that looks only "changing" from the inside in its bodily functions, but not on the outside.

APA still uses double space, which stemmed from typewriters; now that may seem a minor detail brought up for exaggerated highlight, that is one example of inertia within academia. One can argue that it provides space for annotations, but it is often unnecessary in the final paper and especially now in recent years.

This minor detail can be viewed as a microcosm and evidence of the potential for academia to exhibit inertia, and it has been so historically. In conclusion, there is no lack of historical and microcosmic evidence for the failure of academia in being the epitome of scientific *progress*.

While the Internet has been used to implement changes and introduce new ways of thinking hitherto unavailable to the mass population, it has also been used by traditional publishers to swoop in and take charge in their re-establishment within the digital space so as to preclude any chance of institutional, epistemological, formal-systematic, and academic takeover by newer publishers and paradigms. This means that the Internet has only further solidified the traditional power-structural timelessness to which they were heretofore accredited. In short, this illustrates how technological advancements can perpetuate existing power dynamics rather than challenge them.

Admittedly, this is a common summary manifesto of proponents of open research.

In conclusion, open research is not only to give free research merely, but it has implications for the entire way of learning that humanity knows.

If people are taught to believe that knowledge is limited to the elites and to upper class people who attend Ivy League colleges and are especially white, imagine what that would mean for the entire world.

If the only knowledge that people are given are summaries of research, then that is not true knowledge. True knowledge knows how research gets that conclusion in the first place. If people are not given access to how knowledge is obtained, this is an epistemological error and will contribute to dogmatic uncritical thinking. Anyone that dares complain of "stupidity" among the masses will first have to answer to their own views on open research. 


July 06, 00:33:39
Critiquing the "Just Keep Working" Strategy as a Dismissal of Constructive Analysis for Existential Concerns.


I feel that the "just keep working" strat (strategy) is not peremptory. The notion that one should keep working in the face of existential concerns or "dark depressing thoughts about the cruel futility of existence" is based on the idea that people cannot outline issues and analyze them one by one, studying them and synthesizing insights that they might establish methodologies and epistemological frameworks through which to reach constructive conclusions about their concerns and ideas.


July 06, 00:44:34
Advocating for Unusual Personal Names for Ease of Identification, Particularly in Academia.


My goodness, I know most people might prefer simple names, but please use weird names every time. It is much easier to find someone if they're an academic if they have a more unique name than "Robert Brown".

I honestly would prefer weird names. If they grow up to hate the name, they can change name, or they can use nicknames. But it should be a habit to have unusual names.

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July 06, 01:08:29 – July 06, 01:09:52
Contemplating a Return to Fiction Writing for Cognitive Stimulation, Citing Extensive Experience and Defined Stylistic Preferences.


I am thinking of writing a story, and I am hoping that it could stimulate my cognition since I have spent so much time doing lengthy manual tasks for my self-documentation. I have much experience in writing fiction, having started back in 2014 to 2015. And I wrote my first 100,000-word story in 2022 or 2023. It is 2024 now, and I have written a 200,000-word story a few months ago. My non-fiction writing experience is very in-depth as well, reaching probably around 800,000 words as of writing. So I hope to write a story starting today, and I can attest that the act of writing itself is not that difficult, because I have written all kinds of stories. While I have not written everything, that is what makes it cognitively engaging. Finding words to describe things that I have never described is what writing is anyway, and as time passes, it has only gotten much easier. However, there are always new things to write down or express in words. This is why I am interested in writing fiction, because I believe that I have taken a sufficient of span of time resting and engaging primarily in non-fiction writing. Hopefully, beginning fiction writing again today in July 2024 since I stopped at the end of April 2024 will be yield cognitive improvements that I can analyze quantitatively and qualitatively to my overall systematization, given my 2023-originating and 2024-refined core principle of self-documentation.

I can write anything, and I know that: contemporary fiction, fantasy, and sci-fi. Mainly, I tend toward a psychological, introspective, surrealist, postmodernist, formal, philosophical, expressionist, romantic, and post-structuralist writing style. However, I do write fight scenes, strategy, and observational scenes that convey detachment, but with the prevailing overtone of psychological realism, with the main characters exhibit a degree of self-awareness and critical inquiry, despite having varying levels of fulfilling in actions and consciousness their potential for elevated levels of understanding. But these characteristics only inform of my recent stories, and I have written all kinds of experimental stories in the past, encompassing numerous types of styles and scenarios, including action-paced, dialogue-focused, and narrative-oriented (detached and no-dialogue), among many other kinds of passages and combinations whereof.

In conclusion, I can write any story that I want; though I say that to emphasize and not necessarily out of universal objective assessment.


July 06, 01:12:56 – July 06, 01:28:12
Reflecting on the Changed Meaning and Motivation for Fiction Writing Due to Personal Growth and the Loss of Past Ideals.


It does not matter. I can start anywhere I want, however, and wherever. It is very simply started, but for now, I am thinking, not about the story, but about what it might mean for me moving forward. In other words, I am not concerned about the story because that is relatively simple to express, but about my complicated self.

My non-fiction writing has allowed me much in "expressing" myself by exploring my complicated self. However, I am wondering what fiction writing will mean moving forward for this self of mine that has now been informed by my intense academic studying during June 2024 and from writing with much success in my autobiography-journal. What will fiction writing mean with all of that new context and layers already established?

In 2019 and 2021, I was charmed by the fantasy of going into the self-publishing platform "Wattpad" and writing my own stories there. I did not know any other place to self-publish my stories. I remember getting so involved in writing and loving the experience, but I was slow and sophomoric at writing during those years. It was not that the writing was low-quality, but my writing itself as a process was still immature and needed well-rounded development. Now that it is 2024 and I've grown much in well-roundedness in my writing, it feels natural to start writing fiction novels with the intent of delving and immersing deep into the above-stated fantasy again of self-published writing. However, with my well-roundedness came increases in complexity and nuance in my thinking, my motivations, and more core framework of decision-making. If I were to go to Wattpad and start writing, I do not know what that might mean, because the particular blend of ignorance, curiosity, and adventurousness that produced the particular self-publishing charm I had in 2019 and 2020 is now absent. But I have grown much, so that is great. I cannot say whether I like or dislike fiction writing, but ideally, it would be lovely to write fiction again and immerse myself into that lovely charm again.

I feel that this is like being so excited to become Challenger or a high rank like Masters in League of Legends (LOL), but when one finally reached that high rank, everything settles in. And that player who was roped into over a decade of playing LOL stopped finally, only motivated by how much he had to explore. Once he explored the heights, he lost his motivation for playing.

My younger self might have idealized getting better at writing to write the narratives I had in mind at the time, but because I've grown so much in my writing throughout the years, that also means the context and style and rationale, motivations, and core framework informing that writing has evolved so much. My younger self's stories might go untouched forever, because I no longer feel the same way. My younger self can be compared to a small baby trying to reach the ceiling. When he finally grew up, instead of touching the ceiling all day whenever he wants, he stopped reaching for it and touching it. He lost his motivation for touching the ceiling, which was the journey itself.

It is sad. I know well that those stories that I wrote when I was younger deserve to be explored, but I know well that those stories cannot be explored by a whole different person. I am a whole different person, and I no longer have the same viewpoint as my younger self. While my younger self focused on improving their writing, they did not intend to change so much that in future years, they no longer felt connected to their younger selves. My younger self did not realize that I would not only grow as a writer, but as a person.

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July 06, 02:16:59
Querying the Perceived Informality of the Preceding Entry's Writing Style.


are you sure it's informal?

The content is often associated with informal writing, but the actual writing style of the above-stated passage cannot be simply defined as informal.


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July 06, 05:30:24 –  

July 06, 06:24:49
Deconstructing the Benevolent Colonizer Narrative: Highlighting Exploitation, Propaganda, Academic Complicity, and Systemic Bias Through a Post-Structuralist Lens.


To begin, there is this prevailing idea that colonizers were already rich, that they did not benefit from colonization, and that they, "in fact," went through the effort of structuring the colonized without receiving anything in return except "anger" and "ungratefulness" from the colonized peoples. However, there is a reason places like London are so rich and how they were able to be the center of the Industrial Revolution.

In short, colonizers benefit off the colonized, which is becoming increasingly forgotten. There is a growing notion that the colonizers were rich people who went to the efforts of helping savages become civilized. But that is a problematic after-the-fact assumption. To explain, Colonizers perpetuate the idea that that what's they are, that they're civilized people who are already wealthy due to civilization, and that they are sharing the wealth of civilization to savages. However, the colonizers wanted money, not just land expansion, but blood and slave labor and money. To be concise, they exploited. Now the word "exploited" is so ingrained that do its meaning has been lost. To elucidate, imagine someone robbing your house in broad daylight, and the robber argues that they made you better because they made you be more secure and unified in order to prepare for future robberies.

Continuing the discussion, contemporary and historical media often depict colonizers as powerful and rich people before and after colonization, as if colonizing was this side chore. But again, that is a claim founded upon after-the-fact images.

The role of history and academia in propagating this idea of wealth, richness, power, sophistication, legacy, and civilization is crucial for identfying the nuances of older texts. For example, the word "savages" has been used more than once, not only in the 18th century, but in the 19th century. Indeed, some did believe or at least perpetuate that they were spreading the Word of God, or the Gospel, and that they were civilizing savages and giving them benefits and wealth without taking anything in return. While their image of wealth, riches, power, sophistication, legacy, and civilization is admired, it can be esay to overlook that they propagandized throughout history not only after the fact, but before, to rally and corrall support for missions. Even if the colonized had a legacy and civilization of their own, they propagandized against this idea and made the first knowledge about particular tribes be editorialized in support. These tribes might not have been wealthy, rich, powerful, and sophisticated in the sense that they were large expansive empires, but that did not make any less important. There is this viewpoint that power maketh right and that it does not matter if they were erasing history, culture, and peoples and stealing and exploiting others with blood and slave labor and money. However, this rarely applies from a universal standpoint. Even proponents of this will fight with all their might even if they are about to lose because they're self-convinced that they were not the deserving. In the end, it is propaganda because it is self-convinced.

People might find themselves reading academic texts, but that does not guarantee a realization of their implications and limitations. This can involve stong ideas characterized by academics mixed with politics. In online spaces, some might say, "Stop bringing politics!" And they may direct it toward those who criticize traditional power institutions and structures. However, this idea of "stop bringing politics" in light of abuses only contributes to the the marginalization and scapegoating of minorities. It is imperative to recognize that our power structures have convinced us such that we believe it is no longer political and that academia and people of authority are fully objective. This is not a plea for conspiracy theories, but a request to doubt what is not linguistically, culturally, and narratively associated with politics, because they may hide the most politically impactful elements of all.

Furthermore, even now, the identity of indigenous people have remained oversimplified into the image of a non-descript tribal person. That is the power of traditional power structures and "beloved legacies." Eventually, one might discover that these are not the idealized legacies of the pinnacle of objectivism, sophistication, wealth, civilization, and culture. Emphatically, this is the lineage of exploitation with a mask on.

Indeed, the most convuluted part of all of this is that the two following statements can be true at once. It is culture definitely, but it is a culture of exploitation.

The issue has remained underlyingly relevant even in our modern today. Personally, I read academic texts regularly, from the 21st century, 20th century, 19th century, and even from the 17th and 16th century. They all show the thread of ideas that have lasted throughout time. Academic ideas are repurposed to fit this word "legacy" as if it belonged only to a group of superior people. They use the word "culture" as if culture belonged only to this superior group. It is Aryan ideas all over again but wearing different clothes and holding a different flag. The academics are necessarily at fault, but inadvertently, by propagating the idea of sophistication, civilization, wealth, power, destiny, Christian fundamentalism, legacy, and culture, they are also engaging in propaganda, by combining politics with academics that becomes later invisible to the common person that anyone that dares question it is "bringing politics".

In the end, this is relevant to the goal of post-structuralism and postmodernism, not specifically about colonialism, but about structures and why even after all these years, they have only worsened with the growth of academics, systematic methodologies, epistemology, and all forms of 'structuralization' and 'systemization'. There is nothing wrong with structures, but it is an inevitable fault of words when the very inherence of the language and those words are predicated upon such ideas such that even without explicitly saying "colonialism" and "legacy" and "culture", there is already a thread that is being carried throughout time—the thread of exploitation. To answer this, pluralism, in line with post-structuralism and postmodernism, forces us to question the character by which we expressed ourselves from common birth. It is this "inherence" that is supposedly permanent and non-political to which we must find the door that leads to recognition. Rather than an appeal to the extremes of Pyrrhonism, I suggest that it is possible to find eclectism superior to the following combinations: structuralism, modernism, Freudanism, anthropology, and mythography.

Speaking of these combinations, scholarly neutrality can easily be achieved by having the common man and researcher perpetuate a narrative that is rooted into and staining our very bones, that lasting centuries and that which has guided us to trace objects, words, ideas, and concepts together.  This is central to the above-stated "schools."


July 06, 06:36:00 – July 06, 07:00:36
Short Fiction Scene: Magical Detection Attempt in a Forest Leading to Danger, Escape, and Psychological Distress Among Strangers.


His hands glowing with magic, in a forest clearing, Donald tried placing his hands on the grassy ground, detecting for a sound. "Okay, for some reason," he said, "I don't feel anything when I check. It is really that difficult though?" 

He pointed his hands at someone to his left. He got a nod.

"Okay then," Donald said again. "I guess I can try using the potion you gave me." He drunk it, increasing his magical vision.  He looked for a moment.

He groaned.

"I don't see it," he said.

Johnny walked in front of Donald from his left. "Well," he said, poking the ground. Donald stared at him.

"It must be the barrier," Johnny said. Donald squinted.

Johnny's brows lifted. 

"It's probably the sound barrier," he said. 

Donald stared for a moment, looking back and forth, synthesizing what Johnny was saying.

Johnny repeated himself, looking for realization in Donald's eyes.

Donald slowly nodded before nodding definitively. Johnny shrugged.

Donald tried again, letting the grass embrace his hands yet again.

He let his magic pulse and activate.

The sound loomed underground unbeknowst to him.

On the side, Johnny stared at the forest.

It was quiet for a moment.

Johnny looked at it for a moment before his eyes widened.

Donald was able to make contact with the floating sound. He smiled before frowning midway. He was interrupted.

"Donald! Run!" Johnny said, running off.

Donald saw the distance between him and Johnny. 

He gave one more look in the distance. He bolted.

Johnny screamed in front of him.

Donald had his head turned, so he was not able to see. He stared.

He paused.

Frozen, he saw his legs before he realized he was off in the distance.

"Johnny," he mouthed, emptiness seeping into his voice.

The grass was loud, like spiky broken window panes.

The forest trees were looming, with voiceless whisper-like winds in the air directed toward him.

The eyes of Johnny stared back at Donald in his head.

Donald stopped.

All of a sudden, he remembered he was now at home.

He had run all the way here.

And he was now reflecting on what happened. It still happened, and he could not erase it. He just had a flashback of the previous sequence of events.

But in his mind, he could not see what was right in front of him.

He was there.

The door opened. "Hey, are you okay—"

Donald screamed. "Who are you!" He held his head.

"What I'm here—"

"Shut up, get away from me!"

The door opened wider. Two men went in.

Donald screamed, his voice growing hoarse.

The woman who opened the door and the two men stared at him. In their perspective, they had brought in a man who said he saw his friend die. But he did not explain what killed him and why. He just looked bothered and needed rest. They had helped him and guided him into the room. But he looked upset. Why? They did not know why, but they knew he must have experienced something terrible. They stepped outside the room and hoped that he would calm down, but the two men stayed in front of the door. 

The door opened. Donald went out. The two men raised their arms. The woman shouted.

"Wait!" she said. Donald and the older man paused.

She handed them a small pouch. They looked at what she was offering. "This is fruit," she said.

Donald shook his head, realizing he was back to reality. 

The two men stepped back and gave him space to ease the tension.

Handing them each a fruit, the woman smiled.

Donald sat down on the side, while the two men sat down elsewhere.

The woman sat down in between them, having dragged a chair out of position to mediate between the two parties.

Donald stared, knowing what she was doing.

The two men did as well, but they enjoyed the fruit.

The woman looked outside. The door opened.

A taller woman entered, bringing in lots of bags. "Howdy folks!"

Donald's eyes widened.

The two men looked calm. At this sight, David calmed down as well.

The shorter woman, Ashley, said, "How are you doing?" The taller woman, Isabella, said, "I'm good." Ashley said, "How's the park?" Isabella said, "It was good, good." "How about the knives?" Ashley said. "I really did not want you to waste the knives." Isabella said hurriedly, "I did use the knives, so it's fine." Ashley glanced at David and the two men and sat back down, trusting Isabella to get the context. Isabella caught the cue and sat back down as well, eating silently. "So," she said, getting Ashley to turn her head. "I was wondering if something..." She was throwing out an implied question.

Ashley nodded. "He's here because he got... His friend..."

Donald began breathing back and forth like he was in a harsh ride.

Ashley softened her voice, smiling admonishingly. Isabella nodded and shut her mouth.


July 06, 07:23:59 – July 06, 11:34:52
Reconciling Webnovel Reader Preferences ("Tell-Don't-Show") with the Value of Complex, Nuanced Writing: Addressing Criticism, Defending Intentionality, and Framework Development.


Interesting. This is what webnovel readers consider good writing. They prefer tell-don't-show, because they love action

Yeah, but for 85 to 95% of the story, it is tell-don't-show or some generic archetypal or stereotypical vivid description, metaphor, internal monologue, sensory details, and "compelling" dialogue. In fact, people love fan-translated Chinese novels even if the translation is bad. In fact, even if it machine translated, they love it.

Yeah. The sad part is that this is not just in webnovels. This is also seen in Goodreads as well. I have seen younger generations develop a dislike for nuance and prefer straightforward writing and stories that are archetypal. It is so obviously 'made-to-order', yet they still eat it up. It is like a sad truth.

'Elitism', 'dumb', and 'boring' are common accusations against any story that is not a straightforward, archetypal action progression fantasy story.

But I have already given up trying to pretend. That is why I am compromising and learning to write simple tell-don't-show narratives, because people love it. I don't get it, but I guess if I don't how to write like that, then that will end up badly for me. I want to have both these stories and my more complex stories that people just find dumb, boring, and even elitist if I explain to them that it is surrealist, postmodern, post-structuralist, romantic, expressionist, philosophical, psychological realism, introspective, absurdist, and formal writing style. I don't know anyone who looks at these words and isn't actually an arrogant elitist, so I understand the criticism. However, part of me feels that this elitism extends to people that love popular tell-don't-show progression fantasy action stories. They have treated my writing with the same dismissive ad hominem–using gatekeeping attitude.

It is sad because I do not feel guilty. How can I? I love them, and I think they're perfect. I was intentional with how they were written, and I know what kind of stories they are and why they are written that way. I know the philosophy behind these writing styles, themes, ideas, concepts, and characteristics, and I can explain it to them if they let me. But I know that in the end, it is something personal to me. Even if I love those complex stories of mine, I know that it will be hard to find people that like it. And I know that if I release one of these tell-don't-show stories and it gets much more popular, then I will feel bittersweet. It is reality, and I do not want to be an elitist. But I've encountered people that have treated my writing dismissively. Why do they expect main characters to be Gary Stus every time? Why do they fall in love with stories that feature Mary Stus? Even if they joke about it, they just keep reading them anyway. They read harems, and maybe not everyone loves harems. But they do sure love progressive fantasy Gary Stu action novels. It is never-ending unwanted criticism that amounts only to this is not my preference and this is dumb. Why feature main characters that struggle with trauma when people use the word "dumb" to describe them? I feel like these commenters are too young to understand the impact of trauma.

I do not internalize dismissive comments, but it can be exhausting because it feels like trying to climb a wall that cannot be overcome. I guess it is more so me learning to let go, and that takes time because I'm still new to this kind of attention. It is weird being weird, and because I am different, people are going to treat me like that. And getting used to that takes time, even though I've already experienced much in my life. The fact that I want to write an autobiography and to communicate as precisely and comprehensively as I can about my life, ideas, themes, concepts, and preferences underscores that I just want to give my best into making sure that I am not obscuring things. That is not my intention. Many things cannot be communicated with tell-don't-show, and sometimes, writing with very intense vivid descriptions is the only way to express a particular idea, theme, or experience. That is why I have spent so much time studying academic texts and writing detailed reflections, because my goal is to communicate and be honest. I hate misunderstands, and I want people to know that this is not just a show of skill or some concept of sophistication that does not exist. I want to express myself. That is it, and if I need particular writing styles to do that, I will do it. I will do whatever I can to ensure that everything is out there and accessible so that people do not mistake my intentions. However, I do understand that much interpretation is part of reading works. In conclusion, it takes time for me to communicate and get used to adjusting to peoples' perceptions and perspectives so that I might help bridge the gap surgically and extensively in many different areas and with many different viewpoints. In short, I care about communication.

I've grown to intuit much of the critiques around particular words, such that I've learned how to be tactful around certain words like "intellectual" because I know some might take offense at that or find it too vague, bloating, distracting, or elitist. But in my personal journal, I express myself as freely as I can within a structured format, ensuring that I do not internalize the words and learn to be adaptive about them. It is imperative to be tactful in the online world.

This is honestly the first time I've experienced threshold-reaching nuanced and hedging language from AI Studio here in my view. There are two possible reasons, and both could be true. One, the past occasions could be attributed a weaker version. Two, my own writings have prompted more nuanced, hedging language from AI Studio.

Returning to what were talking about earlier, I still fear seeing extreme examples of the opposing side, such that it inspires strawman thinking and polarization. For instance, I do not want to end up arguing that these people would argue that disabled and people with mental conditions or who went through trauma should be removed from progressive fantasy action novel. However, calling traumatized characters "dumb" is a precursor to such unempathetic thinking, and that is why it was frustrating to see my first review on this self-publishing platform contain this and this kind of language.

That is why I am very careful and am in the process of developing a complex framework that can satisfy my desire for complex narratives that represent complex themes, ideas, characterization, situations, and concepts and satisfy the need to have accessible, straightforward, dialogue-heavy, tell-don't-show narratives to appeal to the majority of webnovel readers. To add detail, this framework is informed by academic texts and detailed non-fiction reflections, such as those part of my autobiography-journal. The framework is complex, and the actions and activities that contribute currently to its development are multivarious and hard to pin down in words in terms of the numerous combinations and syntheses. In conclusion, I hope to engage in a precise and comprehensive way such that everything can be answered. Hedging and preparation will be imperative moving forward when it comes to any online publishing presence. This is not just a shotgun (wide and non-selective) approach, because it involves addressing everything one by one, starting from every facet of life, the world, and everything. This is why the autobiography-journal will be a central element in discussions and essays of this framework. However, let me give a disclaimer that none of what I am saying in this paragraph will make sense without context, so take it as it is without treating it as a conclusive treatise.


July 06, 08:34:07
Announcing a Definitive Switch from ChatGPT to Google Gemini (1.5 Pro/Flash) Citing Superior Performance.


[REDACTED]

I never said this out loud yet, so I'll say it. I will give up on ChatGPT finally, and I think there is a good reason why I have to do this. Google's Gemini 1.5 Pro and Gemini 1.5 Flash are so much better than ChatGPT that keeps making the same halluciations.


July 06, 08:44:35
Expressing a Contemplative Sense of Profound Change and Uncertainty.


Things have changed. What has happened to me? Everything has changed, and I do not know what to feel anymore.

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]


July 07, 01:46:04
Cataloging a Diverse List of Academic Books and a Thesis with Metadata.


Books:

Introductory Mining Engineering (2nd ed.) by Howard L. Hartman and Jan M. Mutmansky; 

The Mechanism of Mendelian Heredity (Revised ed.) by T. H. Morgan,	A. H. Sturtevant, H. J. Muller, and C. B. Bridges; 1915

History of Prostitution Vol. 1 by Paul LaCroix, translated, from the original French by Samuel Putnam; 1926

The Creation of Dangerous Violent Criminals by Lonnie H. Athens; 2018

Principles of Highway Engineering and Traffic Analysis (7th ed.) by Fred Mannering and Scott Washburg; 2020

Taiwan: A New History (Expanded ed.) edited by Murray A. Rubinstein; first published in 2007, published in 2015

Introduction of Elementary Particles by David Griffiths; 1987

History of Humanity Vol. 1: Prehistory and the Beginnings of Civilization edited by S. J. de Laet; 1996

The Urban Sociology (4th ed.) by Mark Gottdiener and Ray Hutchison; 2011

Life in a Medieval Village by Frances and Joseph Gies; December 20, 1989

The Medieval Village edited by G. G. Coulton; 1931

Village and Bureacracy in Southern Sung China by Brian E. Mcknight; 1971

Rural China: Imperial Control in the Nineteenth Century by Xiao, Gongquan; 1960

The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists by Robert Tressell; 1965

Manifesto of the Communist Party by Karl Marx and Frederick Engels; written on late 1847 and first published on February 1848

Serious Games edited by Ute Ritterfield, Michael Cody, and Peter Vorderer; 2009

Digital Ethnography: Principles and Practice by Sarah Pink, Heather Horst, John Postill, Larissa Hjorth, Tania Lewis, and Jo Tacchi; 2016

Williams Obstetrics (26th ed.) by F. Gary Cunningham, Kenneth J. Leveno, Jodi S. Dashe, Barbara L. Hoffman, Catherine Y. Spong, and Brian M. Casey; 2022

A Practical Synopsis of Cutaneous Diseases From the Most Celebrated Authors and Particularly From Documents Afforded by the Clinical Lectures of Dr. Biett, Physician to the Hospital of St. Louis, Paris. (2nd American ed.) by A. Cazenave, M. D. and H. E. SCHEDEL, M. D; 1832

Mineral Processing Plant: Design, Practice, and Control Vol. 1 and Vol. 2 edited by Andrew L. Mular, Doug N. Haibe, and Derek J. Barrett; 2002

On Pestilence by Girolamo Mercuriale and translated by Craig Martin; first published on 1577 as "De pestilentia", translated and published in 2022

Wheelock's Latin (6th ed., Revised) by Frederic M. Wheelock and revised by Richard A. LaFleur; 2005

Style and Idea: Selected Writings of Arnold Schoenberg edited by Leonard Stein with translations by Leo Black; first published in 1975






Theses:

Nutritional Strategy and Social Environment in Redtail Monkeys (Cercopithecus ascanius) by Margaret Bryer; February 2020


July 07, 02:49:21
Seeking Methods or Applications for Organizing Academic PDFs with Extensive Metadata Beyond Filename Limitations.


By the way, is there a way to organize my PDFs? I have academic texts in PDF format, but the problem is that file name cannot include the entire meta data. Some titles are long, and I want to include all authors or editors. I want to include first year published and current edition published, ect. I want to include a lot. Is there an application or some way to organize my PDFs. I already have a list of each PDF's metadata, and I just need an application to organize them.


July 07, 04:06:08 – July 07, 04:52:42
Addressing Misinterpretations of Authorial Actions and Defending Nuanced Writing Against Bad-Faith Criticism and Superficial Online Discourse.


Is it weird to be affected when people say "he probably deleted his account because he can't take criticism"? I deleted my account because I was getting burned out serializing straight for 74 days. It kind of affects me when people say this even if it's not about me. I don't want people to think that it was just because of criticism. But the pressure of the criticism did contribute to the difficulty of serialization, since it was my first time.

Should I just ignore people who I feel are making bad-faith arguments where they disguise the fact that they prefer a progressive fantasy Gary Stu action novel are unwilling to just say it is a preference so they look for things to criticize even if they're effectively not even literary critiques, but just comments about how "dumb" the main character is even when he's clearly portrayed to be struggling with trauma? It feels so bad faith, because if one takes the time to analyze their criticisms, they do not hold weight because they just declare things without really backing it up. And they state their preferences as if all characters are supposed to be a certain way. The tradition nowadays is a progressive fantasy American sarcastic witty charismatic Gary Stu action novel, and any character that does not adhere to that is portrayed in their reviews as objectively bad. I try to respond to them and explain that they are doing their best and that there are effective reasons for why they are struggling, such as going through events that are understandably traumatic like being tortured. But in the end, they have a warped or uninformed view on trauma and how torture can psychologically affect a person. Or they may think that good writing has Gary Stus that are invulnerable to psychological affects.

This is why I've been focusing so much on studying academic texts and my non-fiction writing, because it will allow me to describe and elucidate upon the writing style, characterization, themes, ideas, and concepts of my novels. Many are uninformed about surrealist postmodernism, so they will impose a particular standard and suggest certain books that they think is objectively good writing. This is fine, but that only indicates that I will need to explain precisely and comprehensively my choices so that they can appreciate surrealism, absurdism, and postmodernism in writing.

The least I can do is point them to the existence of different cultures, names, themes, ideas, concepts, and styles. For instance, one reader assumed that it was set in America even though the novel later mentioned a Filipino dish in the first chapter, so he offered the criticism that the name was unnatural or something along the lines of that. I decided to change the name instead of worrying too much. I forgot the old name actually. It used to be something else, but now it is Matthew. It did not matter what name I used, but part of me realizes now that it is better to explain than to adhere to every assumption made about my novel.

People will genuinely think that families should be a certain way, and I understand that educating people on South East Asian culture will take a long time. So I just hope people will not always have an American-centric view of the world. But they just do sometimes, and they impose it on everything they consume instead of having an open mind that has space for "What if that's their culture even if it strange to me?" They will also tend to question and gatekeep against outsider themes, ideas, and concepts, so they might see psychological realism as bad writing because the main character is "dumb." My father has demonstrated many examples of this viewpoint, but I have also seen one comment that has this notion in one of my novels. The idea that the main character should make decisions that are logical in the viewer's perspective is flawed, and sure, "stupidity" has its limits. But that should not stop characters from making mistakes anyway. It is annoying if things happen for the sake of conflict, but misunderstanding and drama happens all the time in real life. So it would not be strange to portray it in stories. Not everyone is perfect, and not everyone has perfect information. Just one detailed look at the present and at history is sufficient to know this. In fact, just one good look at ourselves is enough to realize this. The idea that the main character must be portrayed as if they did their best can help mitigate this; instead of giving the readers dramatic irony, we can also focus on delving into the character's perspective. But this only works if the readers are willing to get into this character's mind. If not, then they will not like. But that is alright. It is preferential.

This is why I do not believe in ratings and reviews anymore, whether in Goodreads or in sites. Oftentimes, they select one particular aspect of it and turn it into the entirety of the book, often without taking the time to consider context. They look for dirt on books and make that the only thing remember it for, sometimes to the point of dismissing most of the book for that one small set of details. Now, this can make sense. Not everyone likes an unsatisfying ending, even if the ending is relatively short. Not everyone likes bad scenes, even if it is only 10 out of 1,000. However, the low ratings are made focusing on the worst parts of the novel, which can make them ineffective for understanding the book as a whole. Nuance is "dead" in this case.

There are lots of issues that I have yet to mention. But what I mentioned is a limited microcosm.

I have seen many online commenters who eschew complexity and nuance, seeing reality with tendencies toward black-and-white conclusions. When they make their points, they focus only on superficial aspects, dismissing the underlying elements that make something shine. They instead dig for dirt, judging everything based on rumor, generalizing statements, and oversimplified lenses, like reviews and ratings. I never find myself agreeing completely with every review, but that is okay. The problem is when the review sounds like an ad hominem–filled pejorative-throwing series of repetitions. I have seen actual historians that are not popular, but because they are not popular, they make more nuanced arguments, recognizing the more pleasant aspects and the less pleasant aspects. They clearly delineated between even within positive aspects, showing precision in their outlining of the points or details of a book, recognizing how such tiny nuances can shift the meaning of the entirety, but surgically tending to them like tea leaves swirling in a hot-water–filled cup. They are dispassionate, analytical, and scholarly, but people can be more attracted to echo chamber polarization full of hatred. It can reach the extent that the dispassionate former only comprises 5% to 10% of the likes of the hateful latter. This is now becoming more normalized in the online space.

This is why I am more focused on making sure that I've analyzed everything about my life, including my experiences, knowledge, and influences throughout my life, so I can be sure that I can answer honestly. It is different to be simply honest. It is different to take the time to write a 10-million-word autobiography-journal that includes an analysis every media I've consumed and how it has affected me and be honest based on that and in a way that builds upon that.

I think I'm already close to 1 million words in my autobiography-journal, and my writing speed is now averaging 7692.3 words per day (taken from having 300,000 words in 39 days). So that could be 2,807,690 more words 365 days from now. That will take a long time, and doing that is not a simple task. But I believe that even at 3,807,690 words, that is already a lot of effort spent toward making sure that I have taken the time to make sense of everything so that I can communicate precisely and comprehensively in any context or setting that involves my everything. So that should hopefully make it easier for me to establish myself and handle the complexities and nuances of the challenges of online discourse and selfhood.

Honestly, if I could, I would use an AI language model and see how it poses as myself and responds to comments based on the autobiography-journal. But I would very much prefer if I did this while also being having effectively benefitted in terms of self-understanding from the autobiography-journal myself.

The more inaccurate the AI language model would be, the more I will refine and fine-tune that actual autobiography itself by expanding, clarifying, and rewording many parts, though I will not change the journal itself. But I will add upon the autobiography itself, probably as added lines at the end of the body. This should make it so that I know well that it is precise, clear, and comprehensive enough for AI to understand. If AI can understand precisely and comprehensively, then I've done my job. But I will keep refining using AI based on how inaccurate its responses are as it poses as myself using the autobiography-journal as its data. That would increase the quality of the autobiography-journal itself by refining its total accuracy.


July 07, 05:43:27 – July 07, 06:59:29
Reflecting on Past Streaming Experiences and Temporal Perception of Media and Internet Culture Milestones (2018-2022).


I rarely write comments on Twitch Chat; however, I have written some. When I was still livestreaming as part of my Viewer SMP, I made chats periodically. Oftentimes, in between livestreams, while offline, I have tested the Twitch Chat to make sure it shows up in the recorder application OBS (Open Broadcast Software). For context, I have used Xsplit, OBS, Fraps, Streamlabs, StreamElements, VidIQ, and other applications and extensions used for recording and livestreaming. As for video editing, I used DaVinci Resolve and Windows Moviemaker. I tested others like Shotcut.

I started listening to breakcore in 2022. So 2020 was the beginning of the Viewer SMP rise, with 2021 serving as a time of its continued peaking.

In 2022, I also watched SchrodingerLee.

It is strange that the League of Legends Worlds song "Rise" was released in 2018. Based on how I feel about Rise compared to media I consumed in 2022, there is a big gap between 2018 and 2022. Rise felt permanent and always there, having solidifed since I quit school in late 2018. It became permanent in my mind, because that was when everything started changing. Anything in 2018 might feel like a representation of all the years before late 2018 or 2019. However, that is not exactly true. For one, my experiences as part of New Life Church in 2018 and 2019 felt very recent rather than permanent in the past. Rise, however, did. It might be partially or centrally founded upon how I process digital experiences in contrast with real-life experiences. For example, Burn It Down was very new that it does not feel at all weird or strange to me. This was a time I was still playing League of Legends, so while it does represent an extended period from the early 2010s to late 2023 and early 2024 where I still playing League of Legends. 2021 Burn It Down still feels recent and familiar. This also goes for the 2020 League of Legends Worlds song "Take Over". This means that 2018 might truly represent a distinct change rather than the difference between digital and real-life experiences only. My experience in New Life Church in 2018 and 2019 might have been particularly shallow, recent, and surface-level to me, despite how much I enjoyed the experience. I might have not felt like I immersed myself such that I created distinct memories that can be considered permanent. Though the opposite could also be true, in the sense that my past experiences from the early 2010s can feel like they were just yesterday. So the quality of whether it was shallow or not shallow might not play a role at all much in whether that experience will feel recent and familiar or not, amid its actual temporal distance from me.

For one, there is this "edit" video of the song "Wok" sang or rapped by Playboi Carti and produced by "LHBeats". This video is an edited compilation of clips from the anime "D4DJ". This video, despite being from February 23, 2022, does not feel recent at all. It feels like it was 2021, which might not feel significant. But 2021 and 2022 are very different years in my memories. However, the above-stated phenomenon could be attributed to the fact that D4DJ was a meme in late 2021.

In addition, the League of Legends animated steampunk TV show "Arcane" was released in 2021. Arcane feels rightfully in 2021, but it also makes me realize how much time has passed, because while it feels right at 2021, it does not feel remote at all in my mind. It feels so impactful probably due to the continued Youtube video Arcane analyses that I have encountered in my recommendations and watched.

The fact that a Roblox Video published on 2021 has 47 million views is astounding to me, because I was there in the early 2010s when numbers like that were reserved for songs. This was a time when 1 million was astounding.

The fact that 2021 was when Caves & Cliffs was released in 2021 is astounding to me, because again, like Arcane, I am not surprised that it was in 2021. But it still is strange realizing that the murky mind that I had around 2021 really impacted how I remember this year of my life. I still remember being so wowed by the introduction of goats and feeling that this is the peak of the modernization of Minecraft.

Squid Games was also released in 2021. So that contextualizes how I saw the world at the time.

The 2020 song "2 Phut Hon" was the first time I got exposed to Tiktok and its kind of content.

2020 was also when Corpse Husband and Among Us became a thing. I remember playing Among Us with Jeremiah, Ate Rica, and their friends.

2019 was the year the meme content creators "FlyingKitty900", "grandayy", and "DolanDarker" were popular. "That's how mafia works" was also a meme during this time, especially with the rise of more stranger mobile ads. TwoMad was also a thing in that time, being a comedy content creator.

Let me list out the following elements of 2019.

Joker was released during this time as well. 

Old Time Road was Lil Nax X's start.

The powerful Shaggy meme.

"I'm the bald guy" by SethEverman.

Elon Musk, Justin Rover doing meme review.

Keanu Reeves doing the meme, "I love you too!"

Tree planting by Mr. Beast

Juice WRLD's and Etika's passing.

Sonic.

Tesla Truck.

Ninja conference.

Creeper, Aw Man.

Duolingo.

Thanos and Avengers End Game

Jack Blazinski not playing games.

Cyberpunk Keanu Reeves.

Bath Water by Bell Delphine.

Duck simulator.

Youtube's removing of dislikes.

Dance Monkey

Billie bad guy

Now as for 2018, here are the following trends.

Logan Paul and the suicide forest.

Hit or miss.

Do you know da wae

Trumpet meme.

Lil Pump.

Globglobglabglabglab.

Bitch lasagna.

You so fucking precious when you smile.

15 Burger king foot lettuce.

Mark Zuckerburg in court.

Avengers Infinity War

Damm boi he thicc

Seriously he just said I'm gonna copyright this guy.

Damm boi! He thicc, boi!

I'm HowtoBasic!

Lil Tay

Will Smith that's hot

Ben Shapiro

Stephen Hawking death.

Stan Lee

Megalovania

Ligma.

Fortnite

Tracer Overwatch memes


July 07, 06:59:29 – July 07, 08:40:28
Addressing Accidental Journal Data Loss: Recovery Strategy Using ChatGPT Logs and Reflecting on Data Management Philosophies (ESPTF vs. External Tools).


I feel saddened that my younger brother accidentally deleted the Windows folder, so everything was deleted except for the files in Disc D. It is a good thing that I put much into cloud; since I was writing a journal everyday and left it in Downloads, that means it was removed. I can restore almost all of it, with some missing. To explain how I'll do this, the journal that I currently have through the autobiography that I sent to myself contains files from the beginning of the journal up to the around December 23, 2023. 

For context, the journal began on July 29, 2023. This was close to the autobiography's birth on July 4, 2023. However, the journal only truly began getting regular dated entries was on August 18, 2023, at 19:35:44, the first dated entry that was not just a version of "I played the flash game". The first dated entry that became standard was on August 25.

Anyway, I lost everything from late December 2023 to March 2024, the first 4 days of April 2024, Day 22 to 30 of April, and the first 27 days of May. The reason this looks segmented is because I have entries from April 5 to 21, and beginning from May, I journaled continously without stopping until as of writing.

So that is around 3 months, 13 April days, and 27 May days—131 days in total, which includes the 1 leap year day of February 2024.

However, I frequently asked ChatGPT for analysis for each of my journal entry passages, so I can go through ChatGPT to obtain them. However, this will likely not include everything, since I have the tendency not to say small notes and make corrections in the passages after having sending them for analysis.

Moreover, as mentioned earlier, I have entries during April 5 to 21, since this was from a text file in my mother's laptop and not the main computer. I switched between more than once. Anyway, in contrast with the main statement, there might be a chance that this does not include all of the entries from that period of time, given that there is a 4-day gap between April 17 and 21. 

Anyway, I have the exported data from ChatGPT, and I am currently about to statr processing it. This could also be an opportunity for me to extract my writings that I sent to ChatGPT but never put into the journal. For example, I was sending ChatGPT stories I wrote for criticism in the first months since I began using ChatGPT. This was around February 2023 to June or July, or 5 to 6 months.

In conclusion, I can restore 80 to 95% of the journal entries lost. My only concern are journal entries that did not get sent to ChatGPT, but were written down into the journal and permanently deleted along with the deletion of the Windows folder.

I should also mention that the data collected from August 29, 2023 to December 23, 2023 will take time to parse though since I'm coping them from the Autobiography.pdf file, which means that I will have to edit them, given that the autobiography is especially two-column, making it more frequent for words to be clipped with the natural hyphenation, but also because they will be copied as separate incomplete lines rather than as full sentences. This is the second-to-easiest part however. As for the easiest one, it would be going through ChatGPT and looking through the notes one by one; although, even this would be challenging since the exported data is very large. It was sent in JSON and in an HTML, and the HTML contains the JSON. Giving that I have been using the same account for so long, the data reached up to 230 MB. So I am currently in the process of coding it to do lazy loading as well. Or I can easily just programmatically create numerous HTML with each sharing a different slice of the original 230 MB JSON.
I mention the methodologies involved because I want to document everything.

On the topic of regular backups, redundant data storage, and version control, these are especially essential. When it comes to version control, I am in the process of considering Google Docs, given that its version control system is easy to use and in the cloud. However, since Google Docs cannot handle 100,000 without lagging heavily, I have been avoiding it. Simple Notes looks to be effective as well; though I am cautious about its lifetime as an application. I can trust Google Docs much more; however, it would be nice to have my journal text file stored everywhere. 

To contextualize the exact technical details of the text files in question, I would prefer having my entire journal as a single ".txt" file because it is much more intuitive to write without relying on sophisticated external organizations that contribute to bureaucratic thinking and to upload it to the cloud because it is streamlined within a single file rather than segmented in a vendor lock-in manner. While Obsidian, Notion, and Anytype can be effective in organizing knowledge into a personal wiki and offer an option to export the data, it exports the data in a messy way that contributes only to time wasted creating programmatic text file combiners. Sure, text file combination can be automated as well, but taking on a single text file approach decreases the chances of poorly structured text, especially in the context of combining previously text files that are externally organized separately in an application such as Obsidian, Notion, or Anytype.

I recognize that Visual Studio Code (VS Code) offers version control, but even this can be messy when done locally given that I tend to move my files a lot, because VS Code has the versions in its own folder and each version expects a particular path. In any case, VS Code has been the application I have used for the majority of the development of my autobiography. I have tried using VS Code with Git in order to have it stored online in Github; however, this has also caused frustration because while the Git begins preparing to update the files in the repository every time I save one of the files, I have encountered much difficulty with numerous occasions where the hidden git folder needs to be deleted and everything set up again in order to have reconnected with a new repository. Setting up repositories can be effective for managing version control. However, VS Code expects much that I do not need, such as requiring comments after every update. It is possible to make these issues I've mentioned irrelevant; however, I have decided that VS Code specialized much in coding repositories and teams that using it for keeping my text files can take too much setup and fixing time. All of the above-stated concerns culminated about 3 days ago in July 4, 2024 when I decided to move away from it toward two other simpler applications, given that the version control and its Git functionality do not appeal to my evolving framework. The way VS Code creates visual space for numerous functionalities that I do not need only adds to the visual baggage. In the end, I am now using TextPad, which offers much speed compared to Sublime Text and VS Code. But this is still an ongoing decision. I have aptly titled my files "journal here sublime text" and "journal here textpad", because I decided that I would create a copy each time I entertained a new text editor application.

In regard to regular backups and redundant data storage, I upload the only current text file I have been using since May 28, which has been, for the most part, "journal here.txt", but I copied this file twice as aforementioned. So this morning, I sent "journal here textpad.txt" into the Google Drive of two of my numerous accounts. It came out as "journal here textpad (1).txt" in the second account because there was already one there. This regular uploading and duplicate layering of the journal text file is also a form of chronological version history. Moreover, the journal itself preserves data overtime, because each journal entry has a "createTime" and an "updateTime" for both of which I have the shortcut "Ctrl+Shift+i", which outputs the current time.

In the end, my main goal is to have the written content in the journal express everything, rather than relying excessively on over–external-organizational processes.
    
Now that I think about it, I could only go to Windows Command Prompt and just do the Git commands there and have them sent to my Github instead. I was using VS code–integrated Git rather than native Git. This could allow me to upload my single text file programmatically. However, at that point, I can just upload the single text file into Google Drive manually. It is just one drag-click away anyway. Cloud-based note-taking apps like SimpleNote and Joplin can be effective; however, I am still concerned about their lifetime. I find that it might be much easier to use a simple text editor for a single text file and then upload it manually to Google Drive.

My goal in the end is to ensure that I can go through everything with ease without relying on text editor applications that add only to the baggage. At the moment, while I said I am no longer using VS Code and Sublime Text for writing my journal text file, I find myself still using them to handle text files because their tabs system is much better than Textpad. In fact, I might switch to Sublime Text once my main computer gets fixed because at the moment, I am using my mother's much slower laptop. Textpad was recently just the fastest that could handle my larger text file in spite of my tendency to have many browser tabs.

As for time tracking tools, Clockify looks effective, but I am still wary with using anything that is not a text file. Maybe this position of eschewing time tracking tools is harder to defend in contrast with the use of tools like Notion. While it looks effective, it would be nice not to look at external organizations all the time, because I would very much prefer the optimal flexibility afforded by single-text file writing, by which I organize all of my disparate thoughts while having the ease of turning all of it into whatever format, shape, or form I want due to its bare-bones plain text quality.

To explain why time tracking software is not a priority right now, if ever, as mentioned earlier, I already use a short cut to have a create time and an update time for each journal entry, and this is formatted consistently and simply in plain text. So this will be easy to convert to numerous other applications like Notion or Anytype if needed.

It is not a demand that I turn even images into text, but that if I cannot even appreciate and reach a level of skill where I can, with great command of language, precisely and comprehensively capture the images, experiences, ideas, concepts, and knowledge into plain text, then this failure will extend to the quality that those images bring, because qualitative written context is necessary. Plain text enforces the need for the writer to be so well-trained in his organizational and structural writing skills that he will become a master in little time if he is pushed everyday to match the quality required of a readable extensive single-text file. Sharing and collaborating with the mastery gained from writing in plain text documents is still possible because the skills extend to other note-taking text editors like Google Docs, where such collaboration is an established and recognized functionality.

In addition, the term "plain text" refers to the use of the ".txt" file rather than to straightforward, literal writing styles. Therefore, the adaptive use of a pluralism of writing styles to achieve the desired effect is encouraged.

The extensive single plain text file (ESPTF) encourages that the pluralism of writing styles spread throughout the chronological list of entries is structured and organized such to be smooth and seamless, but not so much that it discourages eclecticism. It is a fine balance that pertains to a particular person's visual senses and how they might rapidly and surgically demand from this ESPTF all that it can offer with their own writing styles through their own individual democratized might.

Ultimately, the primary objective is for the writer to be poor at it and to get better overtime. The disjointedness in the early stages of the person's writing skills and their ability to manage the ESPTF will be essential for understanding their cognitive skills and their growth history. It will be an essential component of the journal itself alongside the content.

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]


July 07, 13:22:49
Meta-Commentary: Recognizing the Biographical Value of Detailed Autobiographical Analysis.


If biographers saw this text from their subject, they would be elated at how much pivotal detail there is in the previous journal entry.

Biography subjects that write autobiographical analyses themselves are the easiest to cover.

[REDACTED]


July 07, 15:24:27 – July 07, 16:05:26
Explaining the Preference for Internalized Deep Focus Over To-Do Lists and Addressing Hypothetical Questions About This Systematized Approach.


I find interesting that I find myself not using to-do lists. I used to use to-do lists much when I was younger. I remember making a list on a paper that I attached to the inside side of my cabinet door. This list was numbered, and it consisted of wishes and goals. I think I remember that this included the wish of wanting to be more active in the praise and worship team of my former church.

However, nowadays, I do not use limits. I am very focused, and I find that not having to-do lists is more intuitive because I already spent so much time writing that my memory is capable of remembering many things. And even if I do not remember everything immediately, I will eventually remember them because my entire situation, environment, and system of living has been systematized and distilled into its optimal form. The deep focus supported by this non-"guided" approach makes it so that everything is done without distraction or external guidance. Rather it builds upon itself, like a robot that carries its own weight and guides its own task, learning upon its own reaction, by which point it is a human. It is a human approach to learning and processing, as it removes everything unnecessary and devotes all effort into the actualization of a single focus.

Rather than to-do lists, since my objective is the development of the autobiography-journal, I address issues, concerns, goals, and objectives in in-depth analyses. These contain the underlying elements of what a to-do list might represent.

However, I am still open to the idea of using time tracker applications like Clockify; though I do not see a reason to use it right now, at least as of the moment, while my success is already accelerating and growing only more streamlined as time goes on.

Yet, I do recognize that growth does not happen merely because things are easy. In fact, the challenge of experimentation and search for refined ways to handle and manage contributes to growth.

To clarify, the following answers answer the following questions.
- *What specific techniques have you developed to achieve this level of focus and internalization?*

Since I have in previous journal entries explored the techniques in developing this level of focus and internalization, I will not discuss it in this passage.

- *What are the potential downsides or limitations of your current system?*

The downsides are that people will not know what I am doing, but that has also been answered already by the autobiography-journal in that it serves as the underlying private personal database from which public abstracts can be obtained, edited, and published.

- *How do you balance this deep focus with the need for rest and rejuvenation?*

As for what I mean by deep focus, I refer to the focus of internalization as opposed to one that does not require rest and rejuvenation, as I take care of myself and find ways to take breaks. The weight of breaks have little impact upon my deep focus in the sense that breaks do not break my deep focus and are an essential component of deep focus.

- *How do you see this system evolving as you continue to learn and grow?*

In short, it will lead to my evolution as a person. 

To clarify, delving into this answer in a concise passage can go in two ways: metaphorically or broadly. And both ways apply in the case of the preceding "in short" statement, because evolution could refer to a more metaphorical evolution like "growth" beyond just the term "improvement."

The following answers answer the following questions.

- *How do you assess the progress of your personal evolution? What metrics or observations do you use to track your growth?*

Increasing word counts, refined cognition, and psychological improvement are three ways to assess progress.

- *Do you see your system as potentially applicable to others, or is it primarily tailored to your individual needs and preferences?*

Yes. But because I have not even published a public version of my autobiography-journal, given that the actual autobiography-journal is still ongoing, I have yet to find relevant my system to others. I can share in talking my system, and I have been experimenting with regular livestreaming as a way to communicate and summarize in words my way of life and process.

- *What role does creativity and imagination play in your deep focus approach?*

Now, this question sounds great, but since it is a given that creativity and imagination play in my deep focus, I can only say these play an essential role in analysis. This is predicated upon the notion that connecting dots and creating original insights using the imagination and cognition can be defined as creativity. However, I would say that creativity and imagination are irrelevant terms in discussing a deep focus approach. I do not even use the term "deep focus" in regular analytical usage, because I find that methodological specifics and details are more beneficial. In any case, I do recognize the need to answer questions like the one to which this answer is directed.

The following questions and answers continue the passage.

- **Subjectivity and Metrics:** While word count can be quantifiable, how do you measure cognitive and psychological improvement? Do you have specific techniques or tools for this?

To explain the use of the term "psychological improvement," it refers basically to improved quality of life and mental wellbeing. Because the autobiography-journal contributes to this, I use psychological improvement as a metric, a sign of progress, or and target of reflection. If I feel much better when I look back at the past, then that leads to more self-assuredness, confidence, selfhood, and linearity. The autobiography-journal addresses the overwhelming vastness and richness of memories by making "sense" of it through precise and comprehensive writing.

- **Livestreaming:**  What are your experiences with livestreaming so far?  What types of responses have you received from viewers?  Have you found that it helps to clarify your system?

The goal of my recent interest in livestreaming is not to get viewers, because I know already that the fulfillment of a particular set of requirements is necessary for viewer retention and am not in the position to fulfill them. I am focused more so on the fact that I can export my Twitch livestreams into Youtube. To explain my use o Twitch, Youtube does not allow mobile livestreaming, but it allows desktop livestreaming. This leads me to use Twitch on my phone for livestreaming. I do use a computer; however, it is more feasible and intuitive to use my phone because I do not have a standard web cam and I am currently using my mother's laptop, which is too slow to sustain the recording application, Open Broadcast Software (OBS), effectively. In the end, after my two recent livestreams, I exported them to Youtube as private videos, allowing me to guarantee their lifetime. I do this in hope that in the future, Google and Youtube use AI to analyze them and provide summaries of everything spoken within those exported livestreams. This outputs a passage that is obtained from an audiovisual analysis of the livestream and edited. This output is then offered to the viewer with the intention of streamlining their experience. Specifically, they will not have to watch 12 hours of livestream footage to get a total of only two hours that is sparsely spread audiovisually relevant information throughout the footage. 

- **"Deep Focus" vs. Analysis:**  It's helpful to differentiate between the terms "deep focus" and "analysis." Could you elaborate on how you see them as distinct, yet interconnected processes?

Deep focus is just a term I used to separate the use of external organizations as ways to navigate, organize, and structure active writing from internalized cognitive writing, which relies only upon the essence of written content, rather than upon visual partitions and dividers. This relates to the use of sophisticated external organizers like Clockify, Notion, Obsidian, and Anytype, as opposed to extensive plain text single file (EPTSF) writing, or 'essence' writing.


July 07, 19:50:19 – July 07, 21:14:01
Integrating Visual Data (Google Maps/Photos, Personal Surveys) into the Autobiography-Journal to Contextualize Environment and Analyze Urban Experience.


So the notion of Google Maps and Google Photos and the beginning of my usage of them as part of my autobiography-journal is taking form; however, that will take some time. As for the reason of this emergence, I've already laid the ground, having done on-foot photo surveys of my subdivision, including the streets, park, buildings, court, flora, and house designs. I have especially taken three botanical surveys in order to document the different plants, having outlined their distinct species. Coincidentally, this should contribute to further local understanding in Google Maps. In any case, my autobiography-journal, which has requested specifically for the need to contextualize my environment and creates structures for documentation. This is pivotally why I have been investing ground work upon taking photo surveys, identifying plants and providing urban data to analyze in future analytical explorations. In any case, one large step toward the removal of the obstruction of pure abstraction can now be defined by what I confirm to be a growth in the sectors of organization and management beyond that of texts. My texts settled the difficulties of having little to no qualitative data, by which to obtain structure and organization, and with this newfound analytical framework, I have gained insight into the various ways that data may be gleaned with intentionality in mind. While the surveys themselves were done without foresight, I did do them with the basic intention of documentation, but in future surveys and accompanying analyses, that will barely be the case, as the autobiography-journal, not only a well of personal history, but also that of analyses informed by the analytical approach of the academic texts that I regularly study and imprint upon my daily goings, especially in reference to how ideas and concrete details can be married efficiently and in a way that leads to systematic long-term growth. In conclusion, the appearance of Google Maps and Google Photos within the context of my broader actions is by now means an accident, but a culmination of previous successful in-depth scaffolding and establishing of a capable mind.

I use data collected from my neighborhood as part of a private project which informs my private autobiography-journal; however, the goal is to delve into the complexities and nuances of the city, based on my extensive, eclectic experience with it. It will take much time to gather evidence and photos that confirm my statements and inform my instances of qualitative contextualization, which are predicated upon my vast and rich memories of interacting at various levels of my home city with the support of numerous institutions and foundations upon which further expansion have, with dedicated effort from a few proactive members, reached prominence. This first requires a dismantling of myself through my autobiography-journal as firstly an 'image-maker' of myself. Secondly, it will extend outward, blending the necessity of background context and concrete data in my narrative details and analyses with the potential for 'self-operating' information structures. This should then reach the objective level, as concretizing ideas, upon which are externally operated, are both extremely inhibited (constructively) and advanced through the the essence of the autobiography-journal.


July 07, 23:16:59 – July 07, 23:27:46
Analyzing an Internet Personality: Contrasting Social Perceptiveness and Emotional Intelligence with Analytical Deficits Leading to Content Mistakes.


Yeah, some people may struggle in terms of analytical-logical cognitive skills; however, they can be socially perceptive and funny in a light-hearted way.

In addition, they might be less likely to react in spilled anger, often not internalizing and taking things personally, indicating that they are possibly emotionally intelligent; however, this capacity might suggest that their lack of analytical-logical cognitive skills contributes to this increased ease of processing.

Yeah, I saw an instance of an Internet personality making a joke by mistake, not assessing the in-depth context of the jokes and their audience analytically enough. This means that while they can resurrect the mood through their social perceptiveness, they can also make mistakes from to time, which is not necessarily a bad thing. His audience might appreciate it and enjoy him even more.

To contextualize the impact of the joke, he made a joke that triggered a fight among his audience members about the two different major sects Shia and Sunni. This joke was related, and it ended up reaching the point where the audience expressed anti-Zionist and/or anti-Semite notions, saying that they should not fight and should realize their true enemy, implicitly referring to Israel or Zionism. In addition, it ended up catapulting such that people were telling an audience member that expressed support in the pride movement to terminate themselves in an indirect way. So the Internet personality had to take great effort to calming everything down, being forced to time many people out and then make the chat room exclusive to paid subscribers only after he remembered that was an option.

He made another mistake later when he accidentally let a Youtube video that was about minors being cyber-sexually misled online play and even left to do something. This resulted in the audience members growing content and sending an emoji that depicted a GIF showing a mouse clicking the "X" button on the tab of the Internet


July 08, 06:56:50
Beginning a Fictional Narrative: John, a Noble Born 1789, Attends an Unusual Beast-Selling Seminar.


Since I am the focal subject of this story, let me preface by saying that my thoughts will be recorded as they come. I do not intend on giving a background and hope that by taking the time to appreciate the stream of thoughts, that one might appreciate the way that the world builds upon itself.

One day, I was sitting in my room, and I was thinking about how the world worked. And I came to the conclusion that there was much to consider. For one, how did people breathe? It felt all so strange. To explain, I am John, born in the year 1789, and I was never supposed to last long, since all my siblings died. It is rare to reach my age of 21. I am here right now, and I live as a noble. But I am given time to do what I want.

So I decided to engage in thinking like the philosophers do.

The following were my thoughts I had.

The world is a cruel place to live in, and I have seen myself hundreds of people who say the same. The amount of support people give for the world is endless, like doves being placed side by side in hopes that they all fly.

After this, my thoughts gradually slowed down to a halt.

Since I did not have anything else to do, I eventually became motivated to go outside.

To delve into the outside world, when one was a kid, it was vast and rich, but as a noble adult, it consists of boring tea party–like events.

When it comes to the broader relationship between nobles and events, it was by choice whether one could go to an event hosted for nobles.

But I was not the type to go anyway.

However, since I was exceedingly bored, for the first time in a long time, I decided to go to an event hosted for nobles.

Then two days later, I went there, bringing my familiar book and quill. 

To explain the aforementioned items, I was not going to write at the event, but I would write if given the opportunity. Though I would need a desk upon which to place them.

Anyway, after finding a comfortable place to sit, I realized that my thoughts were stimulated by the novelty I experienced at the event.

To describe what the event was about, let me describe two things, the location and the bathroom there, in the following.

Just now, I'm in a large room connected to other rooms. I am at a seminar, but this is no ordinary seminar, as in here, you will find beasts of all colors. These beasts are being sold as part of an 1810 event happened in July.

When I visited the bathroom, I noted that hundreds of little toe-wringing rags are stacked at the bathroom most times. I was told this was a Japanese convention, but I doubted they would ever want to touch such rags, unless they cleaned them. That would be very strange to me.


July 08, 07:02:38
Meta-Commentary: Observing the Journal-Like, Digressive Style of the Preceding Fictional Entry.


It definitely feels more like a journal, so the digressions and tangents feel like someone feeling the need to give context about every single aspect. It is even mentioned at the beginning what the writing style would be like.


July 08, 08:10:43 – July 08, 08:31:45
Dream Recall: Strategically Arranging a Group of Video Game-Like NPCs to Minimize Damage.


I had many dream sequences.

Shifting to a closer look, firstly, I had a sequence that involved a lot of things. To explain it more clearly, it involved the sight of a complicated situation. As for what this situation was, I saw an arranged group of 8 to 32 individuals. To picture this more descriptively, I think it could be compared to a video game–like arrangement, as it felt like that. The people also felt like they were mere characters, or even more precisely like a bunch of video game NPCs that would eventually die as part of the format of the game. In conclusion, the sequence contained a video game–like arrangement of 8 to 32 individuals.

Furthermore, within the sequence, I engaged in an intentional cognitive assessment and strategical management of the above-stated arrangement. To explain why it was strategical, it involved the objective of minimizing damage taken by the arrangement. Given that it was a video game, I was given the option to arrange them in a way that fulfilled this objective to the best of my ability. In summary, I felt that I chose the particular arrangement of the group strategically with awareness as part of the video game.

Moving forward on to other dream sequences, I could barely remember the rest, but I do remember there were many more.


[REDACTED]


July 08, 09:16:12 – July 08, 11:36:25
Querying Methods for Implementing Custom Syntax Highlighting for a Timestamp-Based Journal Format in Text Editors.


You know about the Markdown file format. I am thinking of creating my own but for my particular format of journaling. How would go about creating this? Is there a way to integrate support for my custom file format? Would I need to create a website in electron and have it give support for the file format, or can I possibly customize text-editor applications like Visual Studio Code, Sublime Text, and Kate to provide support for my file format locally.

To explain the file format, it would look like this without the ", which I added to prevent them from being parsed:

"

July 08, 09:14:09 – July 08, 09:14:11
text content bla bla bla bla

"

July 08, 09:14:24 – July 08, 09:14:30
more text content bla bla

I could use the plain file format; however, given that I use the aforementioned format so much, I thought I could add support such that the dates themselves are in the outline in some way. Not only outline, but also making the dates different color so that it is more readable.

The following is the regex for the file format.

^\d{4}-\d{2}-\d{2} \d{2}:\d{2}:\d{2}.*


July 08, 11:07:43 – July 08, 11:38:34
Refining the ESPTF (Extensive Single Plain Text File) Philosophy: Prioritizing Internal Narrative Structure Over External Headers for Optimal Writing Skill Development.


I realized that I do not feel satisfied with my previous explanations for why I am judicious and sparing with using markdown headers as part of my journal entries as a way to structure and organize them. I think it's because it goes against the main goal of extensive single plain text file (ESPTF) writing, given that it adds external organizing elements that could be likened to that in Notion, Obsidian, and Anytype, which I've given as examples of anti-theses of the ESPTF objective. While I understand that one can argue that the markdown headers are internal organizations, I still would prefer if everything was narratively written. An example could be: "The following describes the ideas of Mark Jacob." This is one way of denoting internal section division or partition without the dangers of relying excessively upon headers such as "### In politics". Having a much more internalized approach, which is central to ESPTF writing, promotes higher-quality that self-organizes and self-structures upon itself without suffering the consequences of vendor lock-in or external organizations like visual partitions and markdown headers. Some might argue then that the very character of paragraphs could be viewed as external organizations, and even the very character of written text as an external organizer representative of real-life things could be considered invalidating of the goals of ESPTF. However, I identify a distinction between the notion of paragraphs and other facets of writing, including writing styles, and the notion of external organizations such as text colors, Markdown headers, and much more abrupt visual partitions such as those included in Notion, Obsidian, and Anytype.

Rather than a "spill" of stream-of-consciousness, the promotion of high-quality writing is what the ESPTF philosophy proposes to achieve, since it avoids the dangers of external organizations that become nevertheless irrelevant in the production of precision and comprehensiveness. ESPTF does not discourage the use of headers and personal wikis when presenting summaries and edited forms; however, it discourages against their use in the process of writing itself. To expand upon this, skill can only be guaranteed if it is optimally concise in the promotion of excellent writing predicated upon grounds that eschew distractions that become only of use in later display. In essence, ESPTF proposes that it is central in the development of much more readable, structured, organized, smooth, concise, precise, and comprehensive texts, which, it suggests, can later be transitioned into edited, header-filled, and external partition–organized published form. The essence of the optimal writing process remains here undisturbed.

To simplify the points, if one can write effectively without external headers, partitions, divisions, embellishments, additions, font choices, margins, padding, book style, paper texture, colors, sidebars, lines, modals, different files, folder structures, and other "chatter," then that leads to higher writing quality writing because it pushes the writer to compensate for the want thereof by refining their writing skills.

Overly complex text is a reflection of the writer's skill and particular audience in mind. They should, in theory, be convinced that each text they write is structured and organized such that it seamlessly transitions between different scopes and levels of focus, ending each expanded exploration with an "in short" delimiter that summaries the expanded text. These guide points are weaved into the text itself, so accessibility is a matter of personal writing skill and style.

Some might prefer surrealistic dream-like language, so ESPTF does not discourage eclecticism in writing skills and styles. However, it encourages that a person recognizes the highs and lows of idea expansion and refinement and summarization and simple reflection. ESPTF is intended to be convertible to any more sophisticated format like Markdown and personal wikis like those in Obsidian, Notion, and Anytype, given that it uses an extensive single plain text file (ESPTF). This means that the person themselves will create their own narrative delimiters. There are cases where narrative internal sectioning can only be achieved with header-like dates, as in the following. For context, it would look like the following without the double quotes symbol ", which I added to prevent them from being parsed.

"

July 08, 09:14:09 – July 08, 09:14:11
text content bla bla bla bla

"

July 08, 09:14:24 – July 08, 09:14:30
more text content bla bla

However, header-like formatting like this should not be discouraged as long it creates minimal suggestion as to the content of the texts. Markdown headers like "In politics" contribute to constrained thinking, which can be beneficial, but it is much more crucial to be well-rounded in a world that is increasingly narrow-minded. The goal, in the end, is to be optimal in the production of high-quality writing that pertains to the writer's specific style and skill, that they might recognize their own limitations through a format that makes little room for pretense and external organizes that discourage critical thinking their dogmatically set external organizations that make all pieces of text feel high-quality. In essence, the appearance of visual organization and structure does not indicate actual high-quality writing.

When I mentioned "constraints," I was referring to the distinction between ESPTF and other writing formats like Notion that can induce constraint in a way that hinders growth rather than accomplishes it by giving a false sense of high-quality writing through external visually aesthetic organization and structure. In short, structured writing is irrelevant to my meaning.

External tools can be helpful, but they should be used judiciously and sparingly, with the primary objective of ensuring that all written text is firstly an ESPTF, before it into transitioned into other more sophisticated formats. In the end, the goal is for the essence of the writing process itself to be undisturbed in its production of optimal writing.

In figurative terms, ESPTF is a very personal experience that can be viewed as a humanist approach to writing that eschews any attempt to mask the essence of writing by embellishing it with all manner of false riches and vastness only to trouble the reality (in the way that Victorian social realism hoped to achieve) in front of the writer. They are there, and let them be there without pretense and lies. Let the origin point of creation be unhindered, undisturbed, and not fraught with pretense.

[REDACTED]


July 08, 13:30:34 – July 08, 16:10:39
Navigating Complex Feelings: Balancing Independence and Unity, Processing the "Nervousness of Success," Critiquing Power Fantasies, and Articulating Profound Alienation from Internet Culture. (Extended Reflection: July 8)


To be honest, I love that the fact that I'm free enough to learn without pressure from my parents, but at the same time, part of me also wants to be appreciated. It is not about being better. IT is about feeling like there's someone always there. I'm not asking for someone to be there simply. I wish we could all gather together and feel like we're one. But I think that is not something that's going to be dealt with through trips or gatherings. It is not a simple matter of going outside on trips and being physically closer together. Not even socializing with my parents is enough to guarantee a feeling that we're unified.

I mean it's fine I guess. I feel alone and comfortable enough. I don't like pressure either. I just feel like there is a way to do this nicely, but maybe... I actually... while I was writing this, I kind of lost my thought. I don't know.

Basically, what I was trying to say was that I love the feeling of being isolated in a healthy way, as in getting space to express myself without feeling listened to perpetually. But at the same time, part of me wishes that we could be much more unified. I guess my parents have yet to address so many issues, and it's still an ongoing process.

Honestly, I feel like, with the autobiography-journal that I'm writing and that is close or around 1 million words, I'm the only one making an effort to address everything in our lives since our births up to now—basically the whole past. I am going to so much effort, looking through thousands of emails, looking through thousands of media, and grabbing thousands of images in order to complete this private autobiography-journal to address everything as much as possible.

I don't know how to describe this, but I might be wrong. Just because I have this slight concern does not mean that my view on it is correct. However, I thought I'd write down and share my thoughts. I don't feel uncomfortable in the sense that I am not in a good spot right now in my life right now. The writing, musical instruments, singing, music, personal computer, personal room, Internet, air conditioner, the autobiography-journal, and all the good things are great, and my life is going great right now.

But I thought I'd mention something now that I can identify much clearer given that my life has improved much and I can say that it is a distinct problem and not just a symptom of the suckiness of my life back in the early 2020s. It's 2024 now, and it's great. So I can take the time to do this and address even seemingly minor faint feelings.

But yeah, it might have great implications. I am trying to hedge as much as possible about everything so as not to sound definitive or conclusive with everything. There is so much things ongoing, and I would rather die in a pluralistic, post-structuralist world than a world where I am blind in an absolutist way. I just want to relax for now and let things be mindful and undefined so as to allow reality be.

I cannot even end this passage without feeling a little awkward or weird. I think that's a good thing though.

Nah, I feel like I want just to say that it's nothing crazy, and I should focus on improving myself, given that I've already been given so much opportunity and have so much to work with right now. Everything is great right now, and what I am feeling about the unity thing and the complexity of independence and the desire of unity is probably just something that I do not have to pursue right now.

I honestly don't know how to define it, and my brain feels cognitively challenges to talk about this even. It is much easier to manage with projects that have rational, objective underpinnings than issues related to family that have too much personal character to it that it can be challenging to form any reliable framework or set of points regarding them. In any case, I think I'll just sit down and let things sit. I do not want to impose anything upon anything related to that concern right now. Just treat it like a random car on the road passing by in an infinitely large city. Am I invalidating myself? Not necessarily. I mean, I did mention it, and I am trying my best not to deny its existence. But at the same time, being mindful about it and not forcing it into existence and into framework systematic establishment could be a more efficient option. Anyway, let's see how this goes.

Shared experience, emotional intimacy, feeling understood, and related stuff just feel so complex to talk about it. I don't want to feel understood to the extent of feeling like my privacy is non-existent, but I want to communicate precisely and comprehensively.

Am I getting across what I'm saying effectively enough? I feel, like, confused and disjointed. I hope it is not too unreadable. I am trying my best right now considering the weight of the focal concern.

I am making small steps, but much of the weight right now is going into the autobiography-journal, given that I've invested so much into small steps and direct steps. But not all of them are working. I feel that space and non-definition is better than trying too hard to assert and impose an answer or solution. The autobiography-journal is a solution that is not assertive or imposing. So I think we're chilling right now. I hope so.

I am communicating as much as I can. For many years, it has been me asserting and trying to establish an ongoing connection. Failures has led me to strategize and find numerous ways to test. But even this has not reached a definitive conclusion. It is an ongoing process, and I still feel like I'm writing an unfinished story that has had no conclusion, but which still occupies my mind and interests me so as to make curious. In any case, it's all good!

I am... I just feel weird. I am trying to expose myself right now without feeling too nail-bitingly uncomfortable. It is a weird vulnerable naked vulnerable subject. See, I allowed that repetition. I just cannot stop and edit right now, and I think the passage is good as it is. It precisely expresses through style what I mean, but yeah, that does not stop the feeling from being eclectic and pluralist in a way that leaves me precisely and comprehensively considering my vast and rich past that is full of so much. I am going so far stylistically when writing this, going against my previous formal tendencies and just letting this be a splash of paint, like some abstract expressionist art. In any case, let this be "bad" if it means it's exactly what I mean and feel to say.

I find myself shaking my head as if disappointed, while feeling internally that this is worth writing about. I feel a conflict between what I should express and what I feel I want to express. It is funny.

I am afraid. I think I am afraid of being honest. I love honesty, but I get nervous and shaky. I think that's great though. It is not a "but" that means that I should not do it. In fact, the shakiness validates it and makes it even more valuable because there is risk and vulnerability, leading to higher quality documentation, as documentation often suffers from being too outsider or external so as to preclude investigation into the person themselves really.

I have never felt so nervous in a while. I am afraid of being (feeling) so weak and vulnerable and stupid. It is funny in a nervous way. I don't know what to say. I feel like everything is something that I can rationalize. But at the same time, I get this weird feeling that leads me feeling this ickiness or awkwardness. Even the word "awkwardness" is hard to write because it feels icky. I just struggle to be honest about this weakness. It feels so cringe. But I think it's a good thing. The thing is that I'm even using filler words like "I think" that convey unsureness and doubt. But the truth is that I am confident about what I am saying. I am not so nervous so as to be insecure. My feelings of nervousness do not inform my writing; rather they inform my writing style. So I can write in a rational way that allows intentionally the emotion to influence the style while still maintaining distance enough to ensure that the writing is exactly what I intend to write.

I think I'm nervous because I did well. I realize that now. I did well in singing and playing guitar. To explain, I make songs on the spot, and I made really lovely sounds. I am downplaying it, but it was really good. There, I'm emphasizing it. Anyway, the point is that there is a chance that my success in making music that appeals to my tastes well. Again, I am hedging and ensuring that I admit the subjectivity of it. But I do really get this strong feeling to say that it is good! I think it is good! It is good! It is so good! And that made me crazy enough after I was done. I think there is something vulnerable about doing well because there is this natural nervousness after a performance. It is terrifyingly awesome because I love doing well, but it so crazily nervous. I know this feeling well, and I know that it happens every time I do something that exceeds my previous limitations. Ha, even now, I ensure that every single sentence I write is readable and correct in spelling. Whatever, I do not intend to make it perfect, but this goes to say that even this passage that I am writing is performative in a way that allows me to write down what I say exactly and with a rational approach while ensuring still that the emotions are communicated within the style. Very cool!

I feel that nervousness of success. I don't even want to call it success. I want to downplay it and put a rational wall between me and that "success" that is subjective and chaotic and "disgusting". It is weird and interesting.

Let me break away from the linguistic limitations I've imposed upon myself for the sake of standard writing. This will occur in the following paragraphs.

I LOVE LIVING! I LOVE DOING STUFF THAT ARE COOL AND FUN. I LOVE THIS FEELING OF SUCCESS. IT'S SO COOL TEGEGGEGEGEGEGEAGERGAERGEAGEARGERAGERG I LOVE IT AND I FEEL LIKE SMILING SO HARD DAMN IT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I LOVE DOING COOL STUFF AND BEING FUN AND ALL BLA BLA BLA BLA I DON'T EVEN KNOW THE BALANCE BETWEEN EXCITEMENT AND ENSURING THAT EVEN THIS PARAGRAPH THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE MESSY IS ADHERENT TO STANDARDS IN OTHER WAYS LIKE SPELLING. IT IS SO FUNNY THAT I HAVE REACHED THIS POINT OF WRITING THAT I CAN INTENTIONALLY MAKE MISTAKES AND LET IT HAPPEN FOR THE SAKE OF ACHIEVING PRECISION THROUGH STYLE! IT IS SO FUNNY THAT THE THINGS THAT I DO ARE CALCULATED, NOT NECESSARILY THAT I AM SMART, BUT MORE SO THAT ALL OF THIS IS JUST SO FUN TO DO!

IT IS SO STILL SO FUNNY THAT I AM DOING ANYTHING! HAHAHAHA! IT IS SO WEIRD TO WRITE LIKE THIS! LET BE HONEST ABOUT THAT. I AM LITERALLY WRITING WITH SPELLING AND PUNCTUATIONS, AND THE ONLY DISTINCTION IS THAT ALL THE LETTERS ARE CAPITALIZED. IT IS SO WEIRD TO SEE THAT EVEN WITH MY ATTEMPT TO BREAK FREE FROM THE RESTRAINTS, I AM STILL INTENTIONAL IN MOST STYLISTIC RESPECTS. IN ANY CASE, GREAT!

HOW ABOUT THIS? Geogajege gerege rger gr rr rgrgroroororo ro ror oro ror oro dogsga jwgaogoaerjgoer r ro ro ro rgowrorwgwarg,.,gam,v,ev,eve,veleto-aw[a[4t[34t3[463-6-[ogerlger

To be honest, that looks like a mess, but the fact that I've clearly delimited this messy passage underscores the intentionality that I've repeated numerous times already.

Yeah, I remember being so obsessed with improving my writing, and now that I've improved so much, this is a chance for me to be messy intentionally. I miss this feeling of being "weak" and "messy" like I'm back 8 years ago in 2016, when my writing was still "unrefined". I do not even trust the word "refined" here. It is more that my writing has grown to fit the standard. Now, I'm not saying that I'm the best writer, but relative to the way that I wrote in 2016, my writing today could be considered standard. This entire instance of messiness is relevant because I have grown nostalgic over my previous writing styles and have hoped to understand and appreciate them fully. It is challenging now to feel that I can capture my previous writing styles, given that not only my writing style has changed, but my selfhood, identity, mind, and body as well. It is impossible to pretend, but I can at least attempt reenactments of them. Coincidentally, I do not like the word "reenactment" likely because of dismissiveness on my part, but specifically because of my growing interesting in precision and comprehensiveness, which, upon delving deeply into academic texts for an extended period, has demonstrated a disparity of effectiveness between texts and reenactments. However, that viewpoint is limited, given that it ignores the point of reenactments as ways to connect people with history in ways that can be considered by some to appeal more to direct immersion in contrast with reading books. Anyway, learning to be well-rounded is an ongoing process, and my investigations into the notion of "messy" writing shared by my previous writing styles contributes to this.

Let me explore another topic of interest in the following. 

I realize that despite my previous emphases upon my weakness, I believe now that I cannot, in good faith, argue for my weakness. For one, saying that I like being weak can be viewed as imprecise. While it can be described as a nuanced way to convey the feeling of challenges and the satisfaction of fulfilling acknowledged room for growth, it can give the notion that I truly believe that I am weak or that I am "humble-bragging," giving the impression that I think that I am weak, even if through my bearing and my actions, I acknowledge or act with recognition of my skills. This can be seen as amounting to pretense, which is contrary to the goal of precision required of effective communication.

My aforementioned tendency to emphasize being "weak" can be seen in the following familiar phrases.

"I feel so weak, and that weakness makes me so excited because I feel like I'm a child with so much to explore."

"Weakness makes life feel beautiful because feeling strong can make one feel nervous. Success can be terrifying, and finding ways to be 'weak' allows me to relax and stabilize my heightened emotions."

It might be due to my Christian upbringing, which emphasized being weak and vulnerable in prayer to God and in front of Christ. It emphasized humility and moral integrity and cautioned against pride and mistaking confidence and self-care for pride and self-centeredness. Weakness was seen as a strength, because Christ was weak in his journey to the cross. The Bible demonstrated his resilience throughout the suffering, and suffering (bearing suffering) was observed as a virtue.

In essence, my Christian upbringing has led me to the linguistic framework that we do not have to be strong, because strength is in our assertions despite our fear, shaking, trembling, and nervousness. Strength is in our suffering and our resilience throughout, not in typical portrayals of strength as seen in folk tales and myths. Thus, it manifests as my frequent nuanced use of the term "weakness."

Writing these latter paragraphs down has led me to be more of the opinion that my use of the term "weak" is likely not a bad thing whatsoever. I have seen many that see suffering as weakness and traditional myth strength as strength. They associate trauma with weakness and associate conquering lands and empire control as strength, but my upbringing asserts the antithesis. That is why I got a review in one of my novels that called my struggling main character "dumb" because he was not a progressive fantasy action novel Gary Stu and rather a person going through trauma from being tortured and trying resiliently to live a good and fulfilled life.

My upbringing has led me against the notion of aggression, pride, narcissism, conquering, empire control, and hatred as strength. In fact, I have written many deconstructions of power fantasies that portray these qualities as weakness and evil. However, many readers of progressive fantasy Gary Stu action stories have disagreed with this, with these kinds of stories topping the charts of web novels.

Simply, just because I write characters that are evil does not mean that I agree with them. One can read and write a book about evil monsters without endorsing their beliefs and viewpoints. In fact, for many writers, they write what they oppose. They write characters that have contrasting views because it allows them to demonstrate to others why this is dangerous thinking. This is why I love writing power fantasies, because I am showing people that this is bad if believed genuinely. For fun with detached, suspended disbelief, it is alright, but anything beyond this can lead to extreme black-and-white thinking.

What's beautiful is humanizing these bad guys. It allows us to become much more dispassionate when dealing even with monsters. This makes us more effective critical thinkers. It is not about justifying and making their actions normal, "believable," and sensible. It is about analyzing faithfully these people that others might develop ways to be more precise and comprehensive in their decision-making and assessments.

Yeah, it is about showing the consequences of their actions and showing that people like this can be persistent and be condoned by people within their fictional societies and social structures because accountability is complex. And there will be people who will allow horrible people to get away with what they did as long as it fits their broader political agendas. Rather than monsters that are chaotic and messy, they can be calculating and compromising, but they can also be extreme and obsessed.

I have gone to great lengths to describing vividly, emotionally, personally, evocatively, expressionistically, immersively the victims. This underscores the bad guy's actions, and while this can feel disjointed, the pluralist dream-like character of portraying the contrasting perspectives and actions of victims and perpetrators can change readers' lives.

Victims are the priority always. Power fantasies tend to minimize and demonize the victims of the protagonist. But when deconstructing power fantasies, emphasizing the "disjointedness" of accountability through describing the victims in a respectful, empathetic way while allowing the evil protagonist to do what he wills allows people to recognize their own biases when judging different sides in the world.

Teenagers have been exposed to notions that the burden falls upon victims of bullying and cyberbullying to be tough and thick-skinned in the Internet. This leads to callousness. That is why power fantasies have grown popular, because the notion has reinforced dangerous views of power and unchecked antagonistic and antisocial behavior in the Internet and even in real life. The idea that one should do whatever they want to the point that they demonize and minimize others around them is extreme individualism that can lead to the prevailing view that even murder and genocide can be okay.

In fact, there are videos that emphasize the notion that getting away with it or being hateful and callous is cool and even badass. This is very dangerous, and it could be a phase. But clearly, there is a trend exacerbated by social media algorithms that can lead to real damage in real life, even if it is "not that bad" or not to the point of murder. Successive culminations exist, and even bullying, which some might say is not that bad, can lead to horrible decisions. Complexities and nuances operate not solely upon finales and culminations, but also upon factors and non-threshold dynamics, which constitute most of numbers, qualities, and movements, including the impact of such ideas upon the individual.

It has gone to the point that actions done by different countries are bad, but these same actions are not bad when done by one's country. It is a very typical cognitive bias now. I think that the Internet will have much to learn in regard to critical thinking and digital literacy.

I am not saying power fantasies are inherently bad. But people who take them seriously can be likened to carriers of a disease.

I don't want to talk about this to be honest, and I mentioned this only because I had enough energy to do it. This topic is exhausting and painful to think about. It is like watching real-life bodies decaying. It is disgusting and putrid. I remember seeing a dead rat in one of my first times when I was young. The feeling I felt then is what I feel toward this topic. I am sorry. I cannot do this.

It makes me uncomfortable especially because the Internet can be very loud about these ideas. I try to keep a detached viewpoint toward such circulating notions and emphasize mentally that this is not real life. But I also cannot pretend that such prevalent notions do not exist. I cannot pretend that they do not have an impact on people. They clearly impact me, so I can only imagine how it impacts those who have little to do with themselves. At least I can distract myself with productive activities like writing and addressing issues with the autobiography-journal and with my fiction novels, but not everyone has the privilege to do that. I can only hope for a better future and hope that my everyday strivings, which are very good to me, can help others and contribute even just a little.

I do not relate to the Internet. I will be honest. I look at it, and while I see many great things here and there, I also do not understand it and relate to it all. My entire life and upbringing never prepared me for the specifics of the Internet, because the Internet is too complex and large a place to be defined. There was a time where I felt a lot more safer and comfortable in the Internet, but that was during a time when the Internet was a lot smaller and more awkward and new. In addition, during these previous years, most of my life was spent outside and being part of many experiences, events, communities, and interactions that are not represented in the Internet now. I do not understand the Internet because practically nothing there relates to my life whatsoever. I feel that it is a conscious effort to get down to the level of the Internet in order to communicate and express anything. But all in all, the Internet does not define me whatsoever. I cannot even find any semblances of my past experiences in the Internet, very rarely such that I do not even perceive any practical quantity at all. It is like eating hollow bread with only the one millimeter skin. I am nothing here in the sense that there is no form that I can take on the Internet that will represent me as my life. I feel like I take on the form of a lifeless water bottle just to delve into it. It is limiting, frustrating, and very unrepresentative of me. That is the truth. I have not expressed this for a while now, but this is the case for me. While my writing has improved, this Internet-individual alienation has remained relevant, only increasingly so. It is something so obvious or always present that I barely mention it.

The Internet's attempt to define me has only invalidated me. That is why I do not feel anything when I am in the Internet. I can feel excited, but that is often due to imagination and misunderstanding. In reality, much of the Internet is parasocial in the sense that it is not real and all just falsehood. It is like water bottles interacting with other lifelessly. I am not stating a fact, but this is specifically what I and a lot of people feel but may find it challenging to express given how inherent it is.

I tried to express myself, and I tried to put myself out there. But again, my life does not exist here. I let myself pretend from time to time, but this alienation and my recognition of it has only grown stronger.

It is not something that can be fixed. I feel that the only way to represent myself is for the entire Internet to collapse, by which point there is no Internet to feel unrepresented by. That sounds extreme, but it was to emphasize hyperbolically that 'feeling-essence.'

Maybe the disconnection should not be fixed. But I hope that one day, my writings reached the point of precision, comprehensiveness, and validation that I can feel validated, even if only by myself and for myself. I do not think this will extend to the Internet though. But the Internet, as a functionality, has made the autobiography-journal, even if it is what it is as this thing that is inherently segregated from this me. I do not want even to write down and use prepositions to relate syntactically the Internet and myself even in linguistic contrast, because that is how vast the gap between me and the Internet is.

To be clear, I am not referring to the alienation between society and individual, but between Internet and individual. This can be seen as analogous, but I do not see it as such.

In fact, I believe that where I live in the Philippines in terms of the social interactions throughout my upbringing is validating and characteristic of who I am as a human being and a person. The Internet, in contrast, is a wasteland of confusion, chaos, and grand narratives. It can benefit from much more post-structuralism, postmodernism, pluralism, and eclecticism.

To finish, I use the terms "confusion" and "chaos" along with "grand narratives" because structuralism and modernism embody them because they force realities, including those of people, to fit into abstract frameworks (even with their intentions to reach the threshold of so-called 'objective representation') bounded by imperfect language.

I have seen so many peoples that have such vast and rich lives, and they go into the Internet and feel alienated. Some get convinced that their existence is faulty because it does not fit into the dominant narratives, or they invalidate and convince themselves so as to fit into those dominant narratives, becoming a sycophant. For instance, some of my own fellow countrymen have demonstrated this on the Internet in public social media. This can occur even if they themselves are within their own Filipino communities. I don't want to call it "conformity," so I won't. That is a very outdated term in my view for what we're now dealing with in regard to the Internet. We are becoming morphed and invalidated all the while. Saying this sounds like I have a victim complex, but I speak to a more intellectual viewpoint that considers how humans attach to the Internet and engage with its implications and the definitions it prescribes upon those which it also invalidates. I see this as a relationship that is "too toxic to put down," so as to say that its toxicity is so powerful that no one wants to leave. In more pragmatic language, I am not saying to get away from the Internet necessarily. That is a personal choice, and most people cannot get away from the Internet. The point is that we're addressing this.

I apologize if I am not answering your questions 4 or 5 instances now during this discussion. My objective is to say this, and I do not have many answers. Just flag my behavior as that of a dunce talking about something that is too problematic for him to define. And maybe that lack of definition is always going to answered by personal tastes, preferences, ideas, notions, and 'generalisms' that cannot really speak to every single other individual. In the world, there is beauty, and there is life. That is it. I said this because I do not have anything to say, except to emphasize indefinition.

In short terms, I don't know. I do not know how to answer "How can we resist the pressure to 'conform'?" because I do not like the term "conform" to describe this. I cannot answer the question "How can we challenge dominant narratives?" because answering it does not yield anything that can feel graspable universally or even personally, because such questions are too vague and general. I always opt for the elaboration of 10 million words as an answer to this question. To explain what I mean by this, I am in the process of writing the autobiography-journal, the goal for which is to write at least 10 million words. I am currently close to or around 1 million words. I also do not know how to answer the question "How can we find balance and empowerment?" because I feel that I cannot help except give a general answer that is open-ended and gives room for context and nuance. This is already something an AI language model can do, and my answering of this only makes me look like a repetitive, redundant fool. But yeah, I don't know. I do not mean to give off the impression that I am too intelligent or even a fool. I am just saying that I have no clue. I cannot even finish this paragraph without feeling that it is rich coming from me to say anything.

I recognize that discussing extensively about an issue only to end with "I don't know" can be considered aggravating. But it is an essential part of my current doctrine of coping with this reality, and I do not intend to offend others. I hope to keep this discussion relatively private or framed in a way that does not fructify and potentiate offense or outrage.

It bothers me, but I cannot do anything. Thus, the passage could be characterized as "venting." I laugh upon writing this, but yeah, maybe just laughing about it is better than putting excessive deliberation upon this issue. In the end, let us laugh and live freely.

I feel like doing nothing. I wrote 8,263 words today in the span of 8 hours and 51 minutes. This was a very great day I guess for exploring in writing much that I have not explored hitherto. It is great to be here, but I feel like I carried ten tons, ha. What am I doing? I chuckle upon writing this.

I have in many occasions thought about returning to video games and "enjoying myself again". What is interesting about this is that I always end up choosing writing because I find it much more fulfilling and enjoyable. It is interesting that when I am tired or feeling particularly nostalgic, I will think about video games. But when I have gotten good sleep, I go to writing automatically, like I'm down for a good sports run. It is funny that I experience this contradiction, wherein I want to do something but not truly. 

I also noted while lying down moments ago, which preceded by return to the computer desk whereupon I started writing the previous paragraph, that I think in written words now because I've spent the last 41 days writing in immersive depth.

To be honest, I love writing everything, whether I feel this way or that way or think about this or that. I love tackling all these contradictory states and writing all the while. It is fulfilling and allows me to capture myself fully.

When it comes to my physical body that has been sitting on this chair for most of the day everyday for the last 41 days, I feel like a dog that has learned to walk on two legs every time I take the time to stand up and walk around my room with the intention of stretching and re-activating the body.


July 08, 16:57:23 – July 08, 17:48:51
Deconstructing Peter: Character, Story Analysis, and Ethical Quandaries


from this fiction novel, who is Richardess and is she like?

quote some of her very telling dialogue that is revealingly characteristic of her.

is Sigurd in this story?

this is incredibly strange. Peter is definitely not a hero. Sigurd is definitely not an old man wise man, or any other archetype that I can think of. He shares some characteristics with the general side kick or side character, but he evolves so much throughout the story as a character and the roles he plays that it is almost indistinct unless analyzed segmentally. Callous even was set up to be something, but was killed off in a way that made the evolution and that of the other dholes very striking and visceral.

Definitely surrealistic (dream-like), absurdist, postmodern, and potentially post-structuralist if it includes deconstructions and skepticism toward grand narratives and structures and even the credibility of language itself.

analyze fight scenes and rate Peter's strategic and tactical decision-making and abilities.

I love that he is not strategic and over-depends upon his rock-throwing. Very fun of deconstructing the idea that specialization is simply optimal.

The fact that Peter does not change after he gets magic is also consistent with his attitude toward rock throwing. Has he ever questioned this over-dependence? If not, then I can understand given that he probably assumes that the fault lies in his skills rather than his weapons and tools themselves.

It is understandable. Peter is not a stable person, and he is not a stable environment. His experiences are too wild, and most would find them traumatizing to the point of depression. But Peter, given that he is still actively participating and trying to work things out, is demonstrating resilience, even if it comes at the cost of reflection and intelligence.

Why does Peter behave the way he does toward the dude who talks about a bridge of something in politics? I forgot the dude's name, and he had guards as well.

How does the web of relationships and power dynamics interact? tell me different strange and rare intersections between characters and situations that have meaningfully and impactfully intersected and only once or twice, being very separate and segregated from each other by virtue of geographical distance and actual connection.

tell me about important characters that were foreshadowed earlier in a way that hid their identities initially, and about characters that seem unimportant but play huge one-use roles

Is Sigurd Aslo's magical key foreshadowed earlier? I think I remember his lanyard that held the key or something like that.

What happened in the latter parts of the story? the story is unfinished and still serializing, so what is there is incomplete? But do tell me about what you think about the story's timeline up to the latter parts of the story that I gave you. It's incomplete, but yeah.

For example, the first chapter seems to be a flash forward. It has not been reached yet from what I've seen. That is what I'm curious about. How the hell, after everything that happened, is the story going to get to that point? Unless, it has reached that point already

You know what's interesting. I feel like a vilomah. I think the author probably feels like it too. Vilomah means a parent that has lost their child. When I look at this story, it reminds me of a parent expressing their grief at the loss of their child. Peter, and possibly the entire world and story, feels like an expression or analogy of that loss, and the need to make sense of it. Or maybe this represents the journey from bad to worse that happens when a person sees their child go from bad to worse due to a rare genetic condition. Ha, maybe I'm projecting.

analyze events that demonstrate Peter's destructive tendencies and episodes of violence and how he feels about it

Why did he do it? Why did he do "the Zon attack"? I know anger and despair, but can you go into depth and concrete examples

wait, so a breakdown directly preceded the Zon attack. Damn, it sounds like a reference to... well, I won't say it. But that is horrible, and nothing can save him now I fear

Nope, I genuinely believe he either needs to imprisoned forever or given the death penalty. I think actions like that are too horrible. Even if he might change, how can we satisfy the victims' families? Nothing will satisfy them, and I honestly would feel the same. I am not saying criminal punishment and police brutality, but if you're practically a... you know... a terrorist that killed hundreds, or thousands, of people, that is the end.

I can only think of the following. Retribution is the only way to correct societal moral instability and stabilize societal moral coherence. The consequences of societal breakdown is too devastating. Imagine a revolution?

That is my only answer.

I mean, I do not mean collective over the individual. I hate this idea, but I say it more in terms of innocent individuals over a monster. But maybe that sounds like passioned plea not marked by objective analysis. But I do believe this.

It is a pragmatic perspective, but yeah, demonizing people is bad. But... imagine asking a legal representative for Peter? Imagine being his lawyer? Ha! Impossible.

This is not banal evil. Peter is not banal, and he does not fit within society. He is rather ostracized in fact. He is the typical ostracized demonized individual who becomes a monster. But at that point, he cannot be defended. I am noy defending the people and saying that he is invalid. But he cannot be condoned to exist any longer, given how ingrained he is now. I am not saying victims should go and remove themselves. It is more precise than that. I am offering a chance for people to recognize that Peter is not that German dude who did the systematic killings. He is clearly a one-man job, who got some help yes from others. But he is much more of a specific situation that cannot be translatable to the Nuremberg trials.

So I believe we cannot just say he is banal. So that makes him even harder to defend. No one can defend someone who is an alien. Imagine trying a foreigner in pre-modernism, isolationist feudal Japan. I feel that one can make a much easier against this "foreigner", given that Peter came from another world and demonstrates this very fact easily even without explicit admission.

So he can be compared more so to 'shooters,' who do something with the intention of causing terror (domestic terrorism). I am sorry for the reference. Please don't ban me. I want to discuss this constructively, so I hope you don't get mad at me.

I understand that Peter cannot in any way be compared justifiably to real-world terrorists. I am more so using a very broad brush and choosing a less broader brush (going from Nuremberg trials to shooters as comparison).

Peter's situation opens potential for analytical exploration and discourse on fiction contexts. The relationship between society and individual, power and distribution, and magic and the natural world are ripe and much unexplored.

If in real life, we struggle to define complexities and nuances legally, philosophically, and ethically, one can only imagine that ripeness of Peter's context.

The law against creation out of nothing probably never emerges or is discovered into existence, if magic never obeys the rule. This has very vast and rich implications for science.

This means magic might be considered divine.

They might theorize that energy cannot be created or destroyed, only transformed. This might mean they're in a simulation. This could also mean that the magic comes from somewhere, possibly a very powerful being or floating-essence.

Maybe, magic is somehow like quantum physics the same way that spooky action at a distance has been characterized.

I would not say quantum physics is magic, but I guess the scientists and early thinkers of Peter's world would not reduce their hypothetical ideas about magic to the way that we in the modern day view magic, as just some stupid nothing-burger disproven and backed against by evidence a billion times over. Okay, maybe, I sounded too passioned there.

yeah, the very character of science in its origins and development and history would make it completely different in Peter's world. Imagine everything we know just looking so weird. Terms, names, and everything that could ever be conceived looking alien, just because of the existence of magic. Their modern day would not look like our modern day in the intellectual, academic, scientific, ethical, legal, and philosophical realms. It would be a total, excuse me for the wording, clusterfuck. It would be a total mania-crazy what-the-hell-is-going-on moment.

"The very concept of causality could be thrown into question" is a key scientific distinction here.

Imagine laws and magic being made in order to limit the use of magic in a magical way. Maybe, some spell, as defined in the law or charter, places a particular limit upon the degree of magic being used. Moreover, the spell used to assess the degree of magic would differ as well across polities. Actually, all of these, including magic itself, the laws, the charters, the limits, and the set degrees, will differ across polities. Imagine a polity that is not so strict against magic and has developed sophisticated to limit magic without the execution of automatic limiting magic too abrupt. Imagine this led to the creation of another polity that is strict against magic. the fictional country, Demacia, in League of Legends, is strict against magic because they came from the fictional war, the Rune Wars that was characterized by the use of the World Runes, which became symbolic of the dangers of magic, as nuclear warheads are viewed in our modern day in real life.

League of Legends, the Rune Wars, and Demacia are separate from Peter.md to be clear. That is a game with its fictional world, in short. But yeah, you're right. The threat of nuclear war has shaped global politics in the 20th century, such that fear serves as a motivator. The memory of the nuclear bombs is traumatic, influencing both legal and physical structures. Countries that are much more military-based and very protective based on their physical structures likely have a rough history of conflict.

Magic philosophy is going to be hella fun to explore. I love studying academic texts personally, so eventually, I will have reached the point of studying that exploring ideas in fictional contexts will be paved with a more reliable intellectual basis.

Personal freedom, oh yes. I know this well from America, but it will be one of the pivotal arguments once civil rights becomes a concern, or whatever their closest equivalent of civil rights would be. I need to stop using our modern-day Earth terms and use terms that apply to the fictional world, but that is very hard as you can see. There would need be an actual world that exists that is Peter's fictional world; if not, then any fictional exploration is marked by assumption upon assumption. We will never know what it's like; the same way we don't even know what it's like in each other's entire lives from their perspective, only by analytical approximation.


July 08, 18:36:58 – July 08, 19:18:49
Questioning Conformity: Philosophical Strangeness and Post-Structuralist Ideas


By the way, I do not believe conformists and non-conformists exist. There will be only structure within structure, even within the individual, whether in the realm of language, philosophy, psychology, anthropology, and society.

What I am saying is that non-conformists look the same more than "conformists" do not. When we look at society broadly, it is more easy to tell that someone is different when they are distinctly non-conformist (belonging to an out-group) than when they are conformists because they do not feel the need to conform to a non-conformist group.

No, let me clarify, punk rockers do not stand out because they look very much the same way. Conformists stand out because they are more individually unique, because they do not feel the need to conform to an out-group or supposedly non-conformist group.

Trying to be accepted as non-conformist ends up just being conformist. The best way to be non-conformist is to be "conformist" and ourselves. Trying to stand out effectively makes us conformists, because everyone wants to be different and part of something non-conformist so as not to invalidated.

The best non-conformists are those who struggle even with the idea of meaning, language, culture, sub-culture, and everything that exists. It is a philosophical strangeness that makes these people non-conformists. One could argue that they are the same because they believe in this strangeness, but they do not necessarily have to believe it intellectually. But if they experience that struggle, then these people are more likely to be non-conformists. I'm not referring to people with mental conditions, or people who have poor social skills. Non-conformists struggle with definition and indistinction. True non-conformity is conformity, because in our attempts to balance between ourselves and as part of society, we are unique, even if we might be characterized as conformists. In other words, each person is a non-conformist, because everyone struggles with the idea of meaning, language, culture, sub-culture, and everything that exists in their own particular way and balance.

No, let me clarify, I may have sounded as if I was referring to particular people, but I ended the previous paragraph revealing that this is everybody. The very action of saying "these people" implies group cohesion and conformity. There are no "these people". There is only the self of each individual.

I believe that there are dominant structures, but I would not use the terms "conforming", "non-conforming", "conformist", and "non-conformist" in any intellectual capacity. I engage with post-structuralist and postmodern ideas, so I recognize the concept of 'grand narratives' and 'structures'. But that would be another topic where the root word "conform" is irrelevant. (Though maybe the Latin root word 'conformare' is, but I am not well-versed in Latin. And it will likely be irrelevant given its antiquated origin.)

"Very outdated" is what I have called the root word "conform" and its forms in "conformist" and "non-conformist". 

It is like being told that one can only eat and sleep. Human life is much more complex than the general words "eat" and "sleep". That is why we have other words to describe the human experience. This goes the same for "conform" as irrelevant, limited, and outdated. The terms I used may be viewed as passioned in my intellectual opposition of the use of "conform"; however, I do want to clarify that there is nothing wrong with its conversational use. But I am also wary of it in such cases, because conversations are always the breeding ground for the sharing of ideas as they develop roots into people's core identities.

Let me stop this conversation and head into a different topic about how wary I am of the notion of challenging society, systems, convention, norms, and popular thought. I do not think that I am an intellectual. I would rather not see myself that way. Engaging with intellectual ideas are great and all, but I do not use the notion of rebellion against something bigger than myself as if I am some kind of martyr or rebel. I understand that the concept of revolution is inherent within science. But I do not think that I am different than anyone else. That is a personal view I feel. But in any case, I find it frustrating to see myself as different, because then, how can I share my ideas upon grounds that everyone can understand? Separating myself and making myself out to be some kind of prophet can invalidate my points. If I am special, what then of my ideas? The ideas of someone detached, separate, and "confused"? I do not want to be special, but I recognize individual uniqueness. I also recognize my skills and how they might contrast with others. But there is this notion of rebellion that I feel is underhanded and suspicious self-serving in a way that is intellectually dishonest and arrogant. I would rather just sit down and die in a lonely hole if it means that I can say that I have not become something that is, in a way that is definitive and universal. I just am a person, and that is it. It is not humility. It is just the basic acceptance of what is. I feel that this sounds circular. I think... yeah... maybe it is circular. I am saying I am not an intellectual because I do not think I am an intellectual. That is like basing the credibility of the Bible upon the Bible. Well, I guess maybe I am engaging in intellectual ideas. But I still am suspicious of language itself. I have mentioned this many times before. It is not to the point of Pyrrhonism. But I am wary.

The only way we'll ever guarantee critical thinking is if we cannot be but be in that we are limited yet we seek answers. It is the recognition of this that we guarantee some level of critical thinking. We are but we must. We cannot be (in the sense that we must not or should not because it is morally complicated and limiting) but we are (so we must define and establish structures and frameworks even at the cost of 'non-existent objectivity,' or the objectivity accomplished by non-existence).

To be clear, I mean that existence creates the "we cannot be" or the "we shouldn't" because existence means that we cannot accomplish objective as non-existence can, anymore, because we are limited.

I am not necessarily opposing 'things-in-themselves' as Kant put it, but I hope that it is clear that I posit that existence precludes any sort of objectivity by imposing rules and limitations by which we are inevitably bound until non-existence again (through death or an extreme form of structural disintegration). In contrast, non-existence can simply 'is', by which objectivity is accomplished.

When it comes to the limitations of language, that is already a given. Any exploration into this only involves the pointing out of concrete examples. I do not think I should focus on this, when it has been much surgical academic treatment already.

I was actually referring underlyingly to consciousness earlier when I mentioned that what I was saying does not necessarily oppose Kant's 'thing-in-itself'. I believe that the notion of "we cannot be, but we are" does not necessarily have to oppose or agree with the role of consciousness. That is my answer. My personal views on consciousness I will not say to preserve the integrity of my first-time exploration of the focal notion.

To add to what I said, "I think therefore I am" is a completely different statement to the above-stated notion "We cannot be, but we are."

- **Defining "Strangeness":** How do you define the "philosophical strangeness" that characterizes true non-conformity? Could this be a subjective experience that varies from person to person?

To answer your question, philosophical strangeness is not subjective. It is the basic struggle of the individual in understanding amid fluctuations of meaning, deficiencies of language, and many other "event horizons." But it is subjective, or more accurately, pluralistic, in how it appears, feels, and manifests in terms of meaning-making.

- **Reconciling Individuality with Universality:** How can we reconcile the uniqueness of each individual experience with the search for universal truths or shared understanding?

This is subjective, and my personal views are not relevant in this matter.

- **The Role of Language:** While language has its limitations, can it still be a tool for meaningful communication and understanding? How can we use language responsibly to explore complex ideas?

This is a given. I feel like you're asking me if the sky is blue. I already mentioned that "We cannot be, but we are" already defines the need for language.

I will not answer the above-stated questions. They are highly personal. I believe that I have sufficiently given the core meaning of the aforementioned notion "We cannot be, but we are." Any more would be clearly my own personal beliefs.


July 08, 19:40:27 – July 08, 20:23:18
Critiquing Academic Grandstanding: Vulgarity, Skepticism, and Moral Integrity


The following is a reflection about the nature of knowledge and its social structures. The following use of vulgar language is intended for emphasis, not my own personal intellectual framework that so happens to use the terms. However, I do support the use of "masturbatory" to describe a particular instance of grandstanding and not in a sensual manner.

Despite reading a lot of philosophy, I hate philosophy. I laughed upon writing this. I read a lot of academic texts, and I write down my detailed reflections upon them. Oftentimes, I find it funny that I even try. It is not that philosophy is hard. It is that I do not respect philosophy at all. I do not respect science as a social structure or intelligentsia. I do not believe in such nonsense. I think knowledge is great, but it is also highly contagious in a way that is meaningless. There is much to gain from studying academic texts and education. But the more that I learn, the more that it is also about no "respecter of persons" (a term used in the King James version of the Bible). The point is that we all just a bunch of losers, in a good way. We are trying our best, and any attempt at masturbatory grandstanding is a pile of filth and garbage. It is interesting, admirable, and awesome that we have reached and done so much though. I say "we" to mean general humanity, not that the great thinkers are not great. It is more so that a lot of exchanges amount to mere masturbations of the spirit and the soul, rather than anything dispassionately objective. I am not hating on science. But I am expressing this need for distance even among academics. There is always going to be a need for collaboration. But personally, I require of himself a bottle of vodka–like skepticism, not actually having a drinking problem. It is also not Pyrrhonism. Just imagine it like a bunch of friends, both of whom know it is dangerous to touch each other lest they might accuse the other of being gay. This is a humorous, possible offensive comparison, but I mean to say that anyone who touches academic texts will do well in treating this entire fortress or bastion of knowledge as masturbation, or a bunch of nothing-burgers, not dismissing it necessarily, but given it all that it needs because a fair assessment is at the ready whereupon knowledge can be gained with little nonsense. Let us treat this nonsense called science as something to be admired because of its limitations. It is not nonsense so as to preclude any chance of admiration or objective dispassionate achievements that advance humanity. But it is nonsense in the sense that we are all just one pile of goo metaphorically. Let us keep science checked and not unchecked.

***

I understand the potential for offense, and I take it as a strength of this particular reflection. It is intended to be vulgar, because it offers a look into science and its social structures in a way that offers contrast with academic writing itself; opposing, through its writing style, the notion of intellectual masturbation. However, this is not standard for me, and I prefer to keep my writings formal and non-provocative.

To be clear, as mentioned earlier, the point of the writing style used in the aforementioned passage is to offer opposition not only in content but in style.

I do not condone its use of the above-stated writing style in academic contexts, but some might find its use concise and straight to the point.

I am more so testing the limits of writing style, especially when taken academic writing into account. It can be viewed as a meta-reflection.

It is a bit like a book by a non-academic that influences academics themselves. Not a political book perforce. But one that uses unconventional approaches, including the use of vulgar language. I have already seen an accepted paper that uses the term "bullshit" in reference to the 'hallucination' exhibited by AI language models. So it is not strange at all to test boundaries, even in major academic journals, as long as the focal use of unconventional language is circulated customarily even within academic circles.

To support the use of unconventional language, for example, the use of "Cease and Desist" to replace the name of the ultimate (generally the most powerful or central) ability of the character "Champion" Vi is an example of formality being harnessed exploitatively. To explain, Vi's ultimate skill, which was previously called "Assault and Battery," which denotes a much clearer reference, involves Vi doing a violent assault that involves tossing the target and bringing them hard to the ground in a fist-oriented wrestling-like beat-down. They might have changed the name, but the very animation of the ability has not changed. This is an example of formality being used to justify and minimize actions like police brutality, which upon design, Vi was intended to parody.

Vulgar language does not necessarily denote a lack of critical thinking, but it can mean that the person is poor at communication. However, if formality obstructs clarity through imprecision, then unconventional or new terms must replace it. If new terms obstruct clarity through imprecision, then unconventional terms must replace them.

Making something abstract does not perforce make it clearer through precision. To explain, literal linguistic precision does not necessarily meaning-precision. Historically, the original root words might have meant something completely different, but we replaced their literal linguistic precision with their circulating more precisely used meaning-precision.

English has shown that root words do not always define the end result of a term derived from the combination of root words from earlier languages. "Broadcast" is one strong example, as it was originally agricultural.

"Podcast" is another example, as it was first derived from "IPod" and "broadcast". Further back, IPod was derived from the pod bay doors in the film "2001: Space Oddysey". And these doors were called "pods" because they looked like biological plant pods.

The following are my answers to the following questions. 

- **Defining "Masturbatory Grandstanding":**  It would be helpful to elaborate on what you consider to be "masturbatory grandstanding" in academic settings.  What specific behaviors or actions fall into this category?

"Masturbatory grandstanding" is not a term used intellectually or academically in the sense that I am defining it to point out and expose certain academic researchers. However, it is more so the character of it that I am criticizing. It is not about exposing falsehoods. It is about re-stating a continued emphasis on understanding science and its social structures.

- **Balance of Language:** While you make a compelling argument for the use of unconventional language, it's important to consider the context and audience. What types of unconventional language are most effective and appropriate for academic settings?
- **The Role of Collaboration:** You mention the importance of collaboration in academic research. However, how can we foster collaboration while also maintaining healthy skepticism and critical thinking?

The two other questions are context-dependent.

***

In reference to masturbatory grandstanding, I think it is something felt internally. I believe behavioral manifestations and factors can be outlined. But critical thinking is not done by the symptoms and behavioral manifestations and factors. It is done primarily through moral integrity, that which necessarily cannot be studied and aided through medication. The objective of the passage is to promote awareness of science and its social structures that one might cultivate and foster moral integrity and honesty. However, take this as a personal view given the cannot-be-studied attribute I assigned.

The notion of "moral integrity" is highly suspicious when expressed in any intellectual realm. That is why I marked the previous paragraph as a "personal view", even if the core idea of it outside the terms I used is universal.

Let me clarify, the notion of "moral integrity" is highly suspicious when expressed in any intellectual realm. That is why I marked the previous paragraph as a "personal view", even if the core idea of it outside the terms I used is universal. In other words, moral integrity is essential, but academic investigation corrupts it, requiring its 'cannot-be-studiedness' to remain for it to be actionably complete.

To rephrase again, I am saying that moral integrity is essential for academic and intellectual honesty, even if it cannot be studied in essence.

To expand upon what I said, academic investigation into moral integrity disqualifies it. But moral integrity is essential for academic and intellectual honesty, despite its cannot-be-studiedness.


July 08, 20:25:57 – July 08, 20:59:50
Reflections on Sustained Writing Clarity and Volume Despite Fatigue


Why can I write with so much clarity and precision even when I'm somewhat tired? I mean, I know it is a basic question that can be answered quickly, but I find myself entertaining questions for why I can do many things, even if they have easy explanations.

Well, it is not like I haven't been writing frequently since July 4, 2023, the start of my autobiography, only increasing in investment overtime once I began my journal at July 29, 2023. It has been bursting in the last 41 days, as my writing has reached 7766.88 words per day (as of writing the previous journal entry) during this period.

In addition, I am close to or around 1,000,000 words in my autobiography-journal. But I have written at least 350,000 words of fiction since April 19, 2023, the beginning date of my first 100,000-word–breaking book "Peter," which is also titled "In the Maelstrom's Embrace". My autobiography is around 200,000 words, which would be more than 400,000 words if one includes lists and a lot of unstructured data rather than limiting the scope to my my written texts only. The journal is around 300,000 words. However, I believe that it may already be 1,000,000 rather than the sum of 350,000, 200,000, 300,000, which would be 850,000 words only. To be clear, some shorter fiction texts are included in the autobiography-journal, and my methodologies of self-documentation and in respect to the autobiography-journal has changed much in the last 41 days alone. Consequently, any of my quantative assessments regarding the autobiography-journal should be taken with a grain of salt. However, the 300,000 words for the journal is accurate, because I am writing on it right now. It is actually over 326,400 words as of writing.

I also have spent concentrated effort studying academic texts throughout June 2024.

Returning to the above-stated question, I imagine that mathematicians are similar in that regard.

However, I believe it is mainly predicated upon the person's tolerance to tiredness in body and mind through training, past experiences, and many other bodily and psychological characteristics reflective of their upbringing and lifestyle.

To emphasize the beneficial effect of writing, I do not suffer from reading issues as well when I am tired. I fall asleep before I can demonstrate a struggle to read. Basically, the screen makes me fall asleep faster than I can ever say that I cannot read. When I do say I cannot read, it is usually because I cannot hold a book up any longer or I cannot look at a screen because it makes me about to fall asleep. It is not actually because I struggle to read, but because of other factors like book weight and angle of reading and the sleepiness caused by staring at digital screens.

I am more so emphasizing that the improvement of my persistence of writing despite fatigue could be directly correlated to my reading persistence as well.

The fact that I read academic texts regularly reinforces this.


July 08, 22:14:51
The Challenge of Articulating the Physical Sensation of Fitness Improvement


I feel limited because it is challenging to describe precisely the feeling of the improvement of systemic physical-functional capacity through working out and exercise. The satisfying workout I get from dancing is hard to describe.

The only thing I can do is actually exercise and let the feeling occur, even if it is hard to document precisely in writing. However, maybe, as time passes, I will be able to capture that nuanced feeling more precisely and comprehensively.


July 08, 22:30:17 – July 09, 01:45:07
An Analysis of Wealth Dynamics, Class Perceptions, and "Wealth-Bearing"


I apologize for the errors. I had just come from taking a break. In any case, let me revise my statement in the following.

Overall, the following passage delves into the dynamics between the wealthy and the middle class and how wealth by genetic pre-establishment is essential to the essence of a wealth-bearer; which the middle class strive, by behavioral 'imagination,' strive to implicate.

To start, while rich people have a historical reputation for being obviously wealthy, there lies an error within middle class perceptions of the character of wealth and how wealthy people internalize it, identify with it, and view it as an extension of themselves. One aspect of the complexities and nuances of wealth is  the historical need for "humility," not only as it is as a virtue, but as a strategic method in dissolving opposition and accusations of corruption, illegitimacy, and mismanagement. In other words, the wealthy can be pressured to hide their wealth, given the long-ingrained recognition of the argued existence of wealth and the wealthy since the challenge of monarchical and aristocratic power structures in the 18th century all the way up to the inhibition, prudishness , and politeness of the Victorian Era in their attempt to cope under the weight of the newfound vigilance and skepticism (since the Enlightenment as observed in David Hume's highly influential ideas) that were accelerated to the masses by the two Industrial Revolutions, which vitally accompanied and followed the societal anti-monarchical revolutions. This is observed in the cases of priests and political leaders who hide their expensive watches knowing that historically, any circulating accusation and criticism highlighting any show of wealth has been offered as a sufficient justification for the dwindling of support and as part of a set of justifications for social unrest.

To explore the misunderstanding of the middle class regarding wealth and the wealthy, let me begin first by prefacing with the following definition of social well-being. Middle class individuals may find themselves pressured to showcase and perform acts of social enterprising that they might secure development in their networking and interpersonal spheres, by which they can then ascend socially through the ranks of societal idealizations, specifically the one traditionally promised by Victorian industrial work ethic that how hard one works determines how far they will go. With that said, I will outline the connection between the relationship of the wealthy and how the middle class intrude into each other's spheres through these 'cross-tactical' (in that they serve as ways in push-and-back exchange of interpersonal relations as they navigate by the tension of "pushing" enterprising and "backing" letting loose in the face of a social reception outcome) developments in the following points. 

Firstly, as mentioned earlier, the rich can be pressured to make humble their wealth as society does with dead bodies in maintaining societal order within this now-industrial fast-swept world. The appeal of the hidden and their connection with the broader consequences of change is kept imperceptibly gradual that any desire for a middle class individual is distilled in his desire to ascend the ranks and through his daily enterprising receive within him a concretized representation of that success as it is socially made into reality.  Thus, it is more noticeable to see middle class people exhibit signs of wealth display in that they operate within the realm of 'social gathering' (the obtaining of social goods in that they, by themselves, are sufficient in positional definition within the hierarchical system, such that they acquire already the idealizations without the actual acquisition of socioeconomic validation) as opposed to the wealth management of the self-identifying (in that they are pre-identified upon their own existence as the wealthy and identity-established by confirmations which occur during their upbringing via their lens of the lower-income outside-goers) rich. 

To expand upon the wealthy, most wealthy people are by themselves wealth-bearers that it can be challenging to hide the social aspect of wealth-bearing, which is the distinct behavior, gait, visual characteristics, personality, and personal priorities that are immediately telling of their social class. So while they hide these telling signs in diverse ways, including riding cars, wearing simple, comfortable clothes, staying in higher-end malls, and living among their gated community friends in higher-end areas: the middle class aspirer, as mentioned earlier, looks to embody the characteristics which the wealthy seek to hide that they might, by their management of their demeanor, status items, appearance, style, and even their assertive personalities, symbolically arrive at the hierarchical position of the wealthy even in an imaginary sense, as long as it convinces others; fructifying social enterprise.

In Roy Newquist's *Counterpoint* (1964), he quotes Harper Lee expressing her views on success. This can be compared to the struggles of the wealthy: "I never expected any sort of success with Mockingbird. I was hoping for a quick and merciful death at the hands of the reviewers, but at the same time I sort of hoped someone would like it enough to give me encouragement. Public encouragement. I hoped for a little, as I said, but I got rather a whole lot, and in some ways this was just about as frightening as the quick, merciful death I'd expected." 

Now I do not seek to emphasize the struggle of the wealthy necessarily, but to highlight middle class misunderstanding of what being wealthy means. Since I have personal experience with an upper class family that lived in a mansion because I slept over with them numerous times, I can point out that wealthy people do not "know" that they are wealthy, because they have not had the life experiences to denote being wealthy. However, they see lower-income people. In the same way, poor-income see rich people in the sense that they see what is right in front of them and not what they are from how others see them.

In conclusion, wealthy people do not understand what wealth display is, only understanding its antithesis of privacy, which reflects their structuralist, mythographical, modernist, and anthropological view of wealth disparity, only that they are what they are without the connotations of the term "wealthy" as the lower class and the middle class view them.

I do not intend to write for a broader audience. 'Wealthy representatives' are not just a random term. They are what most precisely characterizes their societal function, not as wealthy people, but as societal representatives in a social class which is in want of display and is marked instead by (unconscious, whether intentional or via their essence as wealth-bearers dating all the way back to the 18th century and the 19th century with the above-stated shifts and changes during them) hiding.

To be more accurate, wealth displays are characterized not by the potentiation of social good(s), but, through their already well-established accumulation, by personality finding. In essence, the wealthy are more likely to engage in behaviors that express themselves rather something categorizable as a wealth display. Further, the wealthy representatives that people often criticize are often the loud minority that display their wealth excessively and recklessly. When it comes to the majority, they are not on the Internet displaying their wealth to the middle class. That is a middle class vision. A definition closer to reality would be that wealthy people hang out with peers, have fun, express themselves, and go about their daily lives, such that any "wealth display" is just them doing what they have been doing all their lives. Any criticism of their actions is redirected by them toward the complexities and nuances of the world, which they have yet to understand completely due to their want of exposure to the wider angle the world to which the middle class is privileged. For example, my father and my cousins from two different upper-class or upper-middle-class families do not operate under traditional lower-class middle-class definitions of wealth display. Distinct behaviors, gaits, visual characteristics, personality, and personal prioritizes can differ strikingly, but there is an underlying thread that with enough experience, can be easy to identify. For one, these people rarely mention or express anything that middle-class people do. It is not in their character to do so; it depends upon culture. But since the wider angle is outside of their reach, they hyper-focus on specializations, whether it be computers, church, a normal upper-class life, and getting into Yale and having a stable high-class job. The middle-class are much less likely to exhibit these characteristics, given their wider angle view; which makes them more vulnerable to misinterpretation of the relationship between the wealthy and their wealth. This puts them in social structures that emphasize the want for middle-class stability and middle class–standard jobs, with the particular pressures of which the wealthy have no experience. This introduces a connection by way of expression that the wealthy have innately, but which the middle class have yet to comprehend. Wealth creates advantages, but it also induces limitations by constraining their viewpoint, resources, tendencies, culture, influences, choices, and styles into their distillation. This alienates them and forces them to rely upon grand narratives (structuralism) to navigate the world whereof they have little middle-class wide-angle knowledge.

As for the term 'wealth-bearing,' it can be described as the distillation of viewpoint, resources, tendencies, culture, influences, choices, and styles which all wealthy people carry upon birth and identify-formation, which can be considered as powerful as race.

To summarize, the wealthy are by no means essential bearers of social goods, only that they are distillations, as it is the middle class in their misinterpretation that trade social goods via social enterprise, being the now-definers of the imagery of a human being at its most likely by virtue of averaging. It is by this social imagination or constructive display and imitation of wealth that social goods can be traded without their actual inheritance and obtainment.

I do not intend to write for a broader audience. 'Wealthy representatives' are not just a random term. They are what most precisely characterizes their societal function, not as wealthy people, but as societal representatives in a social class which is in want of display and is marked instead by (unconscious, whether intentional or via their essence as wealth-bearers dating all the way back to the 18th century and the 19th century with the above-stated shifts and changes during them) hiding.

I will not offer a counterargument. The passage could be improved, but I wrote it because I intended to capture my perspective at the time. I did not think I would write this much. I do not intend to improve it. I intend to move on and focus on studying and writing without getting bogged down by this passage.


July 09, 00:25:56
Seeking a Unified Text Editing Experience for Multiple Files


okay, so I have this tendency to use a single file, but my computer is too slow, so I was wondering if there is a way to have multiple text files while preserving that feel of being a single text file. A folder just does not do it for me for some reason.

Text editors like VS Code can handle it, but I love the newer Electron applications. But they are much slower at working with long single text files, which means they're not that optimized for it, compared to VS Code.

But VS Code is Electron no?

It is not VS Code, It is this one markdown text editor that is also Electron that lags.

The world was cruel from the very beginning of the world, and the sky 


July 09, 00:29:00
Repeated Refrain: "The World Was Cruel"


The world was cruel from the very beginning of my journey.

The world was cruel from the very beginning of my journey.


July 09, 02:06:24 – July 09, 02:30:18
Embracing Process Over Truth: The Value of Analyzing Critical Thinking Itself


That is specifically why I believe that the above-stated passage is valuable, not because its ideas and argumentation can be considered valid, but because it, by itself, provides a look into how the written text can best characterize investigation. This is why I took the time to read a phrenology book, and I love reading theories and theses with the set goal of analytical synthesis. It is not about looking at it and saying that it is true. It is about understanding their views, their writing and they defined their ideas, and how their logic pieced the details provided together; even if it ultimately altogether false. It is like watching a kid playing with a set of blocks. It is not that one understands the world through that particular kid and that particular set of blocks. But it is about the character of critical thinking itself.

If we look for truths, we get confirmation bias, because we know only the result of their views, writing, how they defined their ideas, and how their logic pieced the details available together, rather than the process itself. If we analyze what is in front of us and engage in this process, then we connect with critical thinking much better

This is why the above-stated passage is valuable. It is not about always writing truths. It is about engaging in the process of critical thinking through starting with how our views inform us, writing, how we define our ideas, and how our logic pieced the details available together. This is why it is optimal to write, even if it fails to conclude with a truth. It is not about the truth. It is about the process of arriving there.

In the end, the passage is valuable not because it is true, but because it presents to us processes by which they attempted to arrive at a truth. It is the process that is of vital importance, not the truth itself in our critical thinking. The author was clearly engage in the process, and it is visible. This goes the same for that phrenology book that I read. There was a clear thread of argumentation, and I can see that process. Sometimes, I see them make logical conclusions that can lead to truths, but in this case, it did not. The truth is this pluralistic and eclectic structure, not that the truth is subjective, but our process at arriving there always addresses only a tiny part of it as a gigantic whole.

In simple terms, write the process, not the truth. Let the process be untrue. It is a process. Arriving at the truth should not be the immediate step. The process is not one-step path to truth. It is instead an ongoing process. Even the word "truth" should disturb us, because we may, in the process, create logical connections. But that still is untruth. We play with process. This is not true. But it is critical thinking. Logical and intuition do not equate to truth, and our use of them do not equate to truth. Rather, our logical thinking, knowledge, experiences, beliefs, assumptions, and multi-faceted perspectives inform the process. But rather than remove the process let these aforementioned "informants" equate to truth, let it inform the process. The process.

In essence, the process is how critical thinking is born.

To expand further the idea, we do not operate on truths, but on tiny slices of truths. We may not that a car is true and real, but we do not know what it is precisely and comprehensively. So in that essence, it is untrue in our personal limited uninformed view that only knows that cars are transport vehicles with some memories here and there and some details here and there. But we operate on slices. We do not know what a car is throughout the entire existence of every single car throughout history, all its implications, contexts, details, factors, elements, differences, personal histories, and numerous other considerations. We know only a car by how it appears to us and what we know about it. One could say that we know the truth of a car because we see it in front of us. But we know so tiny a slice that one could argue that we do not know it at all. This goes for every other concept, idea, and history.

A historian operates on terms, ideas, notions, concepts, and frameworks with long histories of intellectual inquiry, theory, and development. They may refer to these elements, but that does is necessarily equivalent to critical thinking. If this historian engages in the process and not the truth, then he could be described as engaging in critical thinking, even if the process itself is dependent upon frameworks.


July 09, 04:42:17 – July 09, 04:43:30
Achieving Organizational Progress: Using Zotero for Media Tracking


Once I'm done making a full list of all the textbooks that I've read ever, digital and physical, my life will be solved. This will remove all the aches and pains of reading them now that I'm building them up in Zotero. It is a life-saver.

I am just being hyperbolic. I mean it will help me a lot, and it will fix a lot of the initial issues of file organization. And given that I've engaged in so many projects, it has taken about a year for me since the start of my autobiography-journal to start seeing visible gains in organization that goes beyond just dumping so many files into my Downloads folder. I am just happy that this also marks a new shift in my life that involves having all of the media that I've consumed in this neat software. It is not that I could not do it before, but I definitely was still getting used to things and forming my first methodologies and getting an all-around accustoming process since July 4, 2024. It is now July 9, 2024. It is great to be here.

I can already see myself doing the same with fiction novels, children's picture books. anime, manga, films, and many other things that can be annoying to capture. I can do it all in Zotero actually.


July 09, 06:12:32
A Rare Moment of Finding Oneself Attractive


Is it weird to find myself attractive?

I rarely have these moments where I genuinely feel that I am attractive rather than presentable and neat merely.

For the most part, I have a functional view of my appearance, one that focuses on cultural cleanliness, neatness, and straightforwardness.


July 09, 06:15:58 – July 09, 06:17:47
Adjusting to Seeing Myself as Others Do via a Mirror App


It is so weird to see my actual face. I downloaded a mirror app that allowed me to see my face the way others see me. This one feels particularly different because the default camera in my phone cannot be set to make it like how people see me.

It is strange and awkward at first, because I'm used to seeing myself in a particular direction. My face is not perfectly symmetrical. But I do not find a problem with my face at all from either direction. It just gets time to get used to it, given that my facial expressions are not flipped from my view, even if that is how people have always saw me.

I definitely feel a lot more confident now that I've addressed this. I wonder why I never got around to using an application to allow me to see how others view me. My default camera is flipped wrong. I have never seen my face the way others saw me for years. I might have used a similar app when I was younger. But it is like wearing glasses for the first time. It really feels strange at first, but it gradually looks normal.


July 10, 04:38:46
Accepting the Current State of Progress and Trusting the Process


Do tell what the hell am I doing wrong? The problem is that there is nothing that I'm doing wrong necessarily. The current state of things are alright, and the current rate of progress is uplifting. I only need to keep going, and the questioning present in my writing will propel my systematically and naturally forward. There is little ignorance in the sense that my current system and lifestyle is openly taking upon itself new knowledge, concerns, information, and synthesizing all of them with growing appreciation. Limitations, complexities, and nuances are inherent in this system already as a burgeoning city-like network of assimilation. It really is not that crazy anymore to say that this is the case. It has taken much time to get here, but now that I'm here, it is only a matter of letting things unfold naturally, systematically, and in an open manner.

The thing is that the system already has inherent within it the need to question assumptions, embrace complexity, and trust the process.
It is weird that I have reached this point. It is not that I did not have precursors and initial groundwork being made previously in order to reach this point. But it is strange to sit down and say that it has reached this point after what felt like a permanent incapability.

I need to be able to accept this in order to embrace it fully. If I am still in doubt about this, then it will introduce setbacks in the form of hesitation and not using the tools and frameworks already developed and available.


July 10, 04:54:39
A Simple YouTube Upload Solution Realized Through Journal-Induced Clarity


There were so many ideas running through my wind. I don't know why I never realized it, but this has been an issue for a while now.

This issue involved the fact that in the default Huawei Gallery application when I multi-select videos in my HUAWEI nova 7i smartphone and clicked the "Share" button to share it to to the mobile application "Youtube" to upload them, in the upload modal video draft, the uploading videos would be titled "Share" rather than their actual file names, which included the date when they finished recording. This is why, for around a year or more, I've been uploading them one by one through the Youtube application itself. Doing this involved going to the video in the Gallery app, clicking the "Rename" button and hold-pressing the file name to copy it using the context menu, alt-tabbing to Youtube, and then pasting onto the video draft title from the clipboard. However, I realized just yesterday or two days ago that I could have just multi-selected and then press the Share button to upload multiple videos at once even if they're titled "Share" in the video drafts because this way, I have them batch-uploaded in one go and can just go to the videos when they're uploaded to change their title "Share" each to their actual original video file names which included the date finished recording.

The fact that I took so long to make so many simple solutions is crazy. This is one of them. But I guess that is the benefit of my autobiography-journal, which is around 1 million words as of writing and still ongoing. It allows me to think about things that I've never really thought about, because it clears up space in my mind by analyzing and write down explicitly ideas and knowledge that take up repetitive attention in my cognition everyday.


July 10, 05:01:33
Observing a Preference for Paid Solutions: The "Expensive = Better" Heuristic?


I realized recently that my younger brother has this concerning trait where he mistakes paid solutions or equivalents as better than free ones. Or maybe it is a misunderstanding of my part, but personally, I've grown to realize that learning to find the free solution may take patience, but it is much better than wasting good money on things that already exist. Moreover, if the free equivalent is just one search away, why not just choose that? I feel like it is more than a matter of finding free options: it could be a trait that prioritizes paid options instead of free ones. People that are accustomed from birth or grow accustomed to having spendable money can fall prey to the trait that idealizes paid equivalents even if it is expensive for the sake of being expensive. Some people live in much more urbanized cities, so the prices will be more expensive. However, for those who can buy cheaper equivalents, then while it takes time to take a trip and explode for cheaper options, it is always worth it. In the end, I am starting to realize that my brother might be falling prey to the expensive-equal-better heuristic.


July 10, 05:07:57 – July 10, 05:09:23
Speculation on Cumulative vs. Acute Damage from Ingested Toxins


I've never asked this, but if puking is a one-time threshold thing, then what happens if one does not puke because what was eaten is not so bad that it reaches that threshold? Does it impinge upon the body because the body cannot discriminate well if the bad food is mixed with the good ones?

That is what I'm saying. The vomiting is pretty effective for obviously bad food, but the body clearly struggles to handle sub-threshold bad food right?

That means, it is better that one accidentally eat one big bad food that is then vomited out than eat sub-threshold bad food over the course of one's life.

So what one should be careful of is not vomiting, but the insidious effect of cumulative sub-threshold bad food.

Of course, the idea that cumulative damage is more dangerous than sudden big damage is only in the case that the sudden big damage has something like vomiting to stop it. In the case of cumulative damage, it can be harder to detect and to treat because it might require a multi-faceted or multi-pronged approach that considers various scopes and levels of focus.


July 10, 05:17:46 – July 10, 06:02:13
Brainstorming Strategy: Lessons from League of Legends on Decentralization


Help me expand upon this idea and let's discuss about it:

I mean look at this. Watching League of Legends esports has taught me so much about strategy. It has given me a very effective framework through specialized MOBA game terms that I can then extrapolate and make significantly more complex and nuances in actual fighting and wars or in the case of fiction fighting. It is a very strong starting template. It has taught me terms like the distinction between primary objectives and exit objectives. It taught me about side leans (focuses) and why attempting to bring all champions of the team (members, units, or players) into mid lane (the path to most general access) could also mean doom in the long-term due to the dangers of sustaining aggressive frontal moves or sieges is ineffective when the enemy team has countered it with an equal force and could lead only to loss due to the advantage of the defenders against the attackers in the case of a siege between two equal forces. Side lanes are pivotal because they maximize the freedom of movement and 'expression' of a single member, giving them space to move around without being limited to a team dynamic. This gives them more space to make good plays while still keeping constant pressure, which is not weakened by grouping the entire team up for a mid-lane siege with the effect of minimizing individual zoning power, upon the enemy. These only scratch the surface of how much I've learned and have yet to outline and analyze.

To expand upon the reasoning behind why mid-lane all-team sieges can be less effective than side lanes is because sub-threshold cumulative damage is more effective than one sudden big threshold damage that can be easily seen and counteracted with an equal threshold-triggered defensive measure. Forcing this siege only gives the weaker defending team opportunities to catch and make plays because the enemy team invalidates and wastes the time of the individual strengths of their members by grouping them up even if there are many side focuses to attend to. Society is so multi-faceted and full of side focuses maintained by members scattered throughout society for a reason.

Figuratively, one big bad food is easier to counterattack with a vomit, while sub-threshold cumulative bad food that do not trigger vomiting is much more insidious and effective long-term.

To give a general rule that supports the previous points, the resources spent by the defending team is much less than a sieging team because defenses save so much effort spent while the sieging team has to use the entirety of their members' effort themselves without established defenses to do most of the work.

Sub-threshold and cumulative damage is more effective than forcing a high-intensity, all-team siege that takes too much effort to sustain. It is much better to give each member their comfort place and trust them to get the ball rolling. Giving each member their slice of life or their slice of the work to which they themselves only need to attend maximizes efficiency and effectiveness in the long term.

Individuals that are all separated and independent, except for the occasions of very crucial objectives that require either a very sophisticated strategy or the entire team, are at their optimum.

To sum up, what people may not realize is that grouping up is not necessarily effective and that it can be can be very nuanced and complex.

Communication is one big reason why groups are slower. Convincing is a subset of this.  A one-person enterprise may need to "ask" permission from the dynamics, nuances, and complexities with which he engages his objectives, but he does not suffer from the aforementioned communication.

The conglomeration of 10 external, single, empowered individuals can be much more effective than the tight-knit framework of one group unit, especially because each carries a different role, scope, responsibility, expertise, range of skills, communication style, personal context, and particular interpersonal concerns and history. However, that is not equivalent to saying that tight-knit families are worse.

Oh, I did not intend for it to a completed argument. I actually had it sent to you because I was hoping we could continue working on it together.

The issue is that this can get very complex that it might require numerous volumes of the same book. I fear (in a good way) that this discussion can branch out to almost anything and everything. Government, wars, policies, different social structures, families, different kinds of historical interpersonal contexts, management of infrastructural decay, determination in terms of free will and independence within group structures, what determines societal imbalance and how can we describe it, the resolution of relationship issues and how they intersect with ideals of group unity, definitions of words and how different cultures navigate the use of the English language across different countries in the face of growing globalism through the Internet and through AI language models, climate change and strategies in cohesion between different non-government entities, the issues of maintaining a business partnership while managing company funds effectively without the issues related to interpersonal and personal dynamics, and many more.


July 10, 06:24:24 – July 10, 07:16:06
Brainstorming Triggers, Sharing Synthesized Writing, and Platform Exploration


I do not intend to use the LOL analogy as a foundational core argument. I more so use it to help me brainstorm. It is like a fiction book that informs and inspires one to seek out academic texts that expand upon the faint ideas interpreted from the fiction book

I mean, not LOL specifically. I mean the initial conceptualization in the file is just a brainstorming passage from which to engage actually in academic texts. It is like an inspirational ambient music video that inspires a student to study particular ideas academically. It won't lead everyone to academic texts, but the point is that it is effective for that one student, that being me.

Ambient music are formally not mentioned, but everyone brainstorms using things that cannot be applied universally. However, there are studies  that show that music does help in brainstorming.

It is like discovering the cure for cancer because one is sitting in a toilet. I feel that somebody has invented or realized some new discovery while doing something like that throughout history.

Or from a dream. That would be funny. It's so awkward to say this crazy new idea was triggered by a dream.

There are ideas, creativity, complexities, nuances, and knowledge everywhere. It is all just a matter of identifying them and analyzing them in words that make sense. My ongoing 1-million-word autobiography-journal is a good start and foundation.

I really need to share synthesized written snippets of my experiences and knowledge. It should serve as a synthesis of everything that I've learned. Any publishing apps or some form of blogging that can get my ideas out there? Notion and Obsidian, both of which can publish personal wiki website, Wordpress, Medium, Google Sites? What should I use? Which is best? I've tried all but have found little success in the past. What do you think? What else should I try? How might I approach them differently? I'm trying Wordpress Desktop right now to see if it fits me. But I might just use other writing applications like Abricotine and Markdown Monster that can export to HTML and Mark Text to. I've also seen stuff like bookdown.org, Mermaid, diagrams, charts, flows, mindmaps, and pandoc. Or I can use Joplin, Ghostwriter, KeenWrite, CodeLobster, Remarkable, and Writemonkey3 and send the markdown text secretly to family members and other trusted friends in a newsletter type way. I have also used online editors with Google Drive, Medium, One Drive, Wordpress, Blogger, Gitlab, Github, and Dropbox like writer.bighugelabs.com, calmlywriter.com, the Wattpad text editor, the Wordpress text editor, Dillinger, which can export to styled HTML, and StackEdit.


July 10, 07:46:33
Cruel World, Falling Sky


The world is a cruel place, and the sky falls down to the ground.


July 10, 07:54:56
Poetic Fragment on the World's Demanded Nature


The world is a cruel place

The world is demanded by its occupants that it remains of vital nature, such that each might become recorded in its fabric like folded upon the quitessential shore. It is here whereupon its functional-eminence becomes twice-fold.


July 10, 07:58:33 – July 10, 11:54:27
Wrestling with Writing Styles: The Limits of EPTSF and a Pull Towards Pluralism


I have been trying my best to avoid relying too much on a single application or method; however, trying to incorporate the use of an eclectic approach does pose issues on its own. I have talked about in recent journal entries of the purpose of an extensive plain text single file (EPTSF) approach. Despite this, I recognize also the importance of exploring a more pluralistic adaptation that integrates various not only multiple prongs but also the extensive switching between different philosophies of writing. But this is taking time and patience.

While I may be able to write quickly, concisely, and extensively with the EPTSF approach, it has also introduced concerns about whether such an approach should be maintained in the long term. Clear, explicit productivity may be valuable; however, productivity should also consider more than the streamlining of a single approach and focus merely. It should be able to extend its purpose beyond its original borders and go beyond that any attempt at dismantling monoliths and silos becomes much more automatic than a single-minded streamlined methodology could ever accomplish.

For example, if anyone requires that I switch to a particular application, it would be challenging, as my approach requires that I do not intend to break open my chronological texts. It is not that I lack non-linear thinking, but I tend to work in a very linear or building-upon-previous-iterations-and-considerations type of way. I will not be able to navigate and manage under the pressure of collaborative non-linearity. My task switching might have improved, but it might be more accurately defined as streamlined rather than pluralistic and eclectic. This indicates that my knowledge is bounded by how effectively I can impose my standards upon an identified and academically circumscribed area that I might entangle my methodologies within in a wide-sweeping (comprehensively) and ingrained (precisely) manner. It is effective, but not necessarily the most adhering to pluralism and eclecticism.

I have growing skeptical of structuralism and modernism, and am only recently observing characteristics of them in my chronological linear consistent streamlined writing, specifically my EPTSF writing. A post-structuralist and postmodern understanding might be harder to integrate into this framework that I have long established and which has long been useful for maintaining a linear and coherent thread, as this EPTSF was instrumental for the development of my autobiography-journal, especially in the last 43 days.

To clarify, it is not about postmodernism, post-structuralism, structualism, and modernism in broader contexts, but in this specific practical instance of writing and information.

The thing is... ESPTF writing was effective because it motivated me to write in a much refined, methodical, linear, coherent, structured, organized way typically found of formal and academic writing, inviting me to be precise and comprehensive at the same time. However, I do recognize its limitations and conflicting character.

The way I coped honestly was through writing surrealist (dream-like) postmodern (fragmented and meta) post-structuralist (language questioning and intentional destabilization) Romantic (not relationships but Romantic expressionist), expressionist, psychological, philosophical, formal fiction novels. But I got frustrated and disappointed when my novels became controversial for this way of writing.

In fact, if one looked through the music I listened to, between the months I was writing the fiction novels and months after I stopped abruptly, there is a sharp decline away from expressionist grandiose Romantic, symbolic music to ambient naturalist-realist music. This can be compared to the shift from Medieval two-dimensial artwork to more realistic naturalist art styles that incorporated 3D space.

I have always been a structuralist and modernist thinker growing up, believing in the structures. Even now, even after I stopped being part of communities and became more isolated, I still believed in this way of living and in my writing as well. This was only reinforced by the success of engaging with formal writing and structure and organization.

Definitely, post-structuralism, pluralism, eclecticism, and postmodernism do speak to my soul much more, even if structuralist and modernist practices have led to "objectively measurable" successes.

I will not be accepted if I abandon structuralist and modernism. But if I accept post-structuralism, pluralism, eclecticism, and postmodernism, I will be able to accept myself and the world. However, structuralism and modernism has still brought me to this point and taught me rationality, self-control, analytical-logical skills, and pragmatism.

I was looking at a joke comment, and he edited the comment because of the complaints of a fewer than 21 people, when he had thousands of life. Imagine that. I look at the criticism I get from only a handful of people even if I have thousands of people supporting me. I may have reacted like this with the novels, because I removed them from the self-publishing site I was on. I really could not handle living being controversial, because of how I was raised. I was raised to believe in the idea of objectivism, which meant that I was much more precise and comprehensive in my writings. But that also meant that it was hard for me to handle being unique. I knew that the controversial quality was because of having writing that was unique relative to most writers on that site. I was probably the only person who wrote the way I did among the 90,000 novels on that site.

Out of deep frustration with this structuralism and modernism, specifically those in the feeling of invalidation in spite of the great precision and comprehension of my one-million-word autobiography-jorrnal; I listen to harsh noise as a way to cope, and sometimes, I find myself rubbing my entire body in order to bring my complex and nuanced mind to a halt. Pluralism and eclecticism are the only way to mitigate this frustration truly by addressing what concerns it. Harsh noise and self-soothing behavior only provide temporary situational relief.

The "precision" and "comprehensiveness" of structuralist and modernist writing only contribute to the feeling of invalidation I have experienced from particularly demoralizing and de-stabilizing past experiences.

I find myself expressing myself also through just grabbing my keyboard and tapping random keys repeatedly as a way to cope. I also engage in This expression of my unstructured, unorganized, nonsensical anguish is the only sense-making that validates at least my frustration. Maybe it does not get rid of the invalidation exacerbated by structuralist and modernist writing. But it does help give me temporary relief.

what can I do? In fact, the very passage above was written in adherence to EPTSF writing.

This is not helping. I do not see anything here that helps me specifically. I feel that I need something that's more specific and attuned. At this point, the only solution I have is to engage in nostalgia and to give up EPTSF writing as a way to navigate the world, not that I will stop writing. But maybe I will spend much less effort upon it because maybe that is the only way to navigate this at all. I do not know for sure, but yeah. Yeah, maybe I will look at past eras of games like Ragnarok Online, Redstone Online, and Roblox. I will also look at fiction passages I wrote in 2021 and 2022, looking for ideas that might appeal to me. At this point, this current stage of my life is that of confusion and disillusionment with EPTSF writing and with stucturalism and modernism.

My life was actually a lot more postmodern and post-structuralist necessarily because I still had yet to make sense of things through writing. However, while starting my autobiography-journal in July 2023 has led to great improvements in the coherence and linearity of my life, it has also led to newfound disillusionment and invalidation. Maybe, this is a sign to return to years ago when things were allowed much more to be vague, mysterious, chaotic, meaningless, hopeless, confusing, damning, moody, undescribable, and murky.

It is not just about my writing style. It is about my life growing up. It was experiential realist because it was actual reality, but it was also combined with symbolism reminiscient of the two-dimensional artworks of the Medieval Church. In 2020 however, that has changed, and I began growing much more confused, because it was in late 2019 that I lost faith in God, departing from the symbolism. I was still very much attached to ideals and symbols for years. However, it was also blended with times of confusion, vagueness, and a lack of validation and the freedom associated with being appreciated and validated within a social structure like that in my younger years at church. 2021 shows signs of the more experimental, surrealistic, dream-like, and postmodern writing I exhibited back in 2019 months before I lost my faith. However, it is clear that these were precursors to that lost of faith that unfolded gradually throughout the latter half of 2019. 2021 all the way up early January 2023 had been characterized by this experimental, vivid, surrealist, post-structuralist postmodernist character. However, in February 2023, that all disappeared when I discovered ChatGPT, which led to a rapid modernization (structuralism and modernism) that destroyed much but offered much in terms of precision and clarity. This led straight to July 2023. There was this transition from February 2023 to July that involved moving away from my 'confused' writing to that of formal, precise, and comprehensive writing. It led to today in 2024 where I have reached a newfound stability, consistency, and rapidness of writing characterized by modernist and structuralist streamlining. When looking at the growth and improvement since ChatGPT, it can all be weighed as "objectively measurably excellent," given that I have reached about one million words in my autobiography-journal and have written 7766.88 words per day in 41 days. However, in my fiction writing, it was clear that I was still attached to this surrealist, postmodern, and post-structuralist quality. After embarking on a serializing trip lasting 74 days starting in February 13, 2024, I abruptly stopping due to burnout. The fact that the above-mentioned quality of my writing was controversial was one of two central reasons for my burnout, the other being that I wrote so 4,300 words in 74 days. The fact that my writing shifted to non-fiction and increased to 7766.88 words per day in 41 days a month afterwards is not by mistake. It demonstrated that after the rejection of my surrealist, postmodern, and post-structuralist quality, I invested all my energy into non-fiction structuralist, modernist writing. This meant great growth in the 41 days, but that also meant a growing sense of invalidation at the realization that writing so many non-fiction words, while supposed to validate my life by representing the real, felt invalidating because I realized that even after so much objectivism and rationality, I would not be able to embody the epitome of precision, comprehensiveness, and objectivity such that anyone that saw it would comprehend it. It was surrealist, postmodern, and post-structuralist writing that allowed me to express that which I could not express.

To explain, the reason why I don't just do surrealist, postmodern, post-structuralist writing is because it is not just a matter of incapacity in the sense that I have not written like that before and cannot do it now just because of skill. It is also not a difficulty of hybrid approaches. It is also not about "finding my voice". It is also not about seeking validation from others. It is also not about forgetting that this is a journey, that I should value myself, and that I should trust my intuition. It is also not about not knowing other creative creators. It is also not about works or even having a group for feedback or support. None of these apply to me. There can be a big misunderstanding here.


July 10, 08:21:27
The Awkwardness of Incorporating Random Notes in EPTSF Writing


For example, it is very awkward to write random one-sentence notes in ESPTF writing. It is like doing this in academic texts. Imagine picking up an academic treatise or thesis and then seeing a pluralist collection of random one-sentence notes. That would be hilarious actually now that I think about it. To solve this issue, a notes section in the form of footnotes and endnotes sounds very effective, but it goes against the philosophy of EPTSF writing—extensive plain text single file writing.


July 10, 10:45:49
Tuesday-Abidant: A Surreal Fiction Fragment


The world tulips burgered (danced with an almost sensually segmented quality) about like sandy beaches in search of a man seeking help. The night skies tendered (emerged tenderly) like red burns upon the shoulder. Sandy beaches watched and said, "Speak no more of the leaves, sirr. 2003."
Sandy men stood about, hungry upon awakening, whereupon they fled like ducklings emerging straight out of the woodwork. Then, they made their way there to the clock-striker, who was a man who told them of the way the clock manifests. "In great places, it was said that a clock would strike. I would be the one to strike it," was his spoken promise. It was hard to understanding with a delicate spirit the words that seemed to emerge out of thin air every time they ate the leaves. The night sky flew like rainbows drenched in spirit fire. The sandy men stood; "Their name was real, indeed," said one of them, his hands sprouting from his pockets like hand-drawn maidens Tuesday-abidant[^1].
Meanwhile, in the distance and around the land, the world offered sacred gifts: the light, red tulips, and the birds. To start, the light preyed upon the northern skies, swallowing them up like virtuous flies. Second, red tulips danced to sea to sea. Thirdly, in the sea, single-minded fallow birds made their ride, passing home, before heading to a little compartment in which they embraced themselves and pecked each other in the head, their little beak-heads strong notwithstanding.

[^1]: abiding In Tuesday which was culturally when people expected the worst because it was the least probably in their heads, more than Thursday. To make sense of this, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday all made sense to them, but Tuesday invalidated some sense they felt inside them, serving as a dangerous thing or omen. So when someone said "Tuesday-abidant", they meant "ominious thing.").


July 10, 11:03:39
On Psychological Realism and Offering a Controversial Manuscript


To add to your point, I agree that it is much harder to find, given that there is a stronger preference for protagonists that are not "dumb". Very explicit scenes like torture affecting protagonists is very rare. But psychological realism and mental illness have been explored before. They're just rare.

One concern with psychological realism is when the writing style adapts to portray the character's mental state, so the writing style itself becomes this dream-like mess. This can turn many people off, so I would guess that only one out of 10,000 stories have explored this kind of writing more than just a few chapters.

But if you want a story that uses this writing style, I can send you a manuscript I've written. It has around 200,000 words, and it is still unfinished. I serialized it in Royalroad months ago; however, given that it was controversial and that I painstakingly uploaded a 2,500-word chapter everyday for 74 days, I abruptly stopped and deleted my account.


July 10, 11:17:48
Observation on Affirmative Writing Openings


interesting that the writer does not add anything besides affirmation and validation in the first paragraph.


July 10, 11:18:50
Acknowledging the Challenges of Postmodern Writing


Like I said, I have written in postmodern writing before. The issue is that post-modern writing is challenging.


July 10, 12:32:42 – July 10, 13:01:47
Does Extensive Writing Diminish Personhood? A Critique of Structuralism


I find it interesting that during my growth, because I struggled to define things and make sense of things, that meant I was a lot less stable and that offered much in terms of creativity. I  could not just write down my thoughts and feel strongly that I was being given automatic feedback with clear, structured, organized, concise writing between both sides right now. But that is now possible. This means that there is a high potential for much more elaborate, concise, and precise writing; however, that also comes with the cost of creativity, because it creates this structuralist, modernist viewpoint of the world that considers everything with explicitly written clarity. A person who has spent time written 10 million words of their own life and listed out everything so as to know the many media that they have consumed since birth is likely to be someone who is much more stable, define, definitive, and unitary.

However, like I said that also means that the person themselves is completely gone, because they now have a document that outlines and details everything that they are. They are no longer a person, as they have been semantically and synctactically clarified through writing, such that their entire form no longer receives any sufficiency or deficiency in the sense that they do not have to work hard to go about themselves, like looking upon the corner of a room and observing with one's eyes the need to define that without explicit definition, such that their entirety of scope can be said. A person would do this, while someone who has already reached 'divinity' of scope through such a defining 'automatic' document, is completely gone personally.

The word I would use is "artificial".

Writing itself is artificial, and any movement toward a more involved, automatic, and non-mindful manner of personhood through writing removes the entirety of a person.

Writing is a human invention, and that is why it removes humanity, because humanity is not governed by a man's devices, but by the person himself.

Simply, writing destroys the person. It might be okay to smoke every once in a while to calm down, but writing itself is bad for the person. Smoking too much kills the person. Writing too much kills the person. Small doses of smoking is already bad enough, but some people need it to calm down. However, there are many other ways to calm down. This goes for writing as well, as it serves analogously to smoking in that it destroys the person.

This is a broader attack on structuralism and modernism. But yes, it is also an attack on writing as it is inherently a structuralist and modernist human invention and one that self-reinforces.

This is also in response to those who view hermit ascetics who eschew writing as one of the vices of modernism and structuralism, as mere foolishness.

Hermit asceticism is not about being "scared" of society, running away, and being a "loser". It is about recognizing that modernism and structuralism is everywhere. Even the term "hermit" has been used pejoratively to mean zero social contact; however, this is not necessarily the case. Some might say that being a hermit can necessarily involve being part of a family or community that eschews modernism and structuralism within society, opting instead to limit even their consumption of books even. It can be for spiritual reasons, and it can also be for philosophical reasons.

People lose sight of the broader picture by relying too much on the broader picture. They lose sight of the beauty pluralistically and eclectically all around us unmediated and uncorrupted by human inventions and artificial constructs like writing.

Personhood is lost in structuralism and modernism, and some might say that the current trend determined by today's state of capitalism and globalism reinforces this loss.

Writing must first be questioned in its touted objectivism firstly. Writing is not objective. It is always approximate and inherently limited to its language, culture, and history in the manner that people are instructed to use terms. People may say that writing is free from opinion and up to interpretation such that it fosters pluralism and eclecticism. This is not necessarily true. Diversity within a structure can be viewed as falsehood. The dynamics and diverse elements within a human body are not necessarily diverse so as to escape the defining structure of the human body. It is our destiny (call) to escape structure, to escape earth, and to describe the defining artificial constructs and human inventions. Let us be free that we might find true validation in the essence of reality and personhood.

We are limited to the assumptions of human constructs and inventions. We are limited to the founding culture, history, frameworks, and influences that instructs us always such that we are no longer aware of them and can perceive their distinctness, except as dogmatic pre-conceptions. The moment we let go of this is the moment we are free.

In our freedom, it is not that we become objective that we define the world. That is structuralism and modernism. It is that we become free in ourselves, in our personhood.

This is pluralism. This is eclecticism. This is postmoderism. This is post-structuralism.


July 10, 13:16:15
Image Prompt: Tropical Watercolor Scene with Figures


realistic water color work of a tropical area with a marble-statue–looking wood working a large log. On the side, two men are playing chess and barely noticeable. On the left side, hundreds of little boys are walking around. A woman is standing on top of a manga tree in the distance.


July 10, 13:17:59
Observation: Theory vs. Practice in Writing Style


Well, it looks like the author may see the value of this intellectually, but he might not actually practice it.

I mean, they clearly are writing right now, in a structured and organized way, might I add


July 10, 13:31:53 – July 10, 13:34:27
In Defense of the Phrase "Some Might Say"


Can "some might say" be argued in favor of it not being a weasel word but more so declaring the possibility of a general response to something?

Some might argue in favor of it not being a weasel phrase because its main goal is pre-emptively responding to talking points.

I just used "some might" there, see.

"some say" is clearly a weasel phrase

"some might say" is better than "some said" because no one can cite the possibility of an argument.

For example, there is a crucial contradistinction between "some might say" and "some said" here:

'John heard shouts outside saying that someone died.

After the shouts were long gone, he went downstairs to take a look. A man in front of me was walking by when John went to ask him who died. The man said, "Some said the man died." John expected names, so he asked for them. The man shook his head and said he didn't know.

Some might say that the man was unhelpful.'

The author expects the possibility of some saying or believing this, and it is relevant. And he also demonstrated that "some said" expects citations and confirmation as to who.

"some might say" is analogous to "[X] might be considered [X]"

"X can sometimes be considered Y" is similar.


July 11, 03:07:37 – July 11, 03:19:20
Analyzing Vivid Dream Quality: A Reflection of Writing Intensity and Cognitive Balancing


Last night, I had 6 dreams. While they themselves are full of multi-various sequences that blend into each other and can feel utterly deprived of boundary-distinction, I use the number "6" because I can remember 6 distinct dreams that I have numbered in the course of my sleeping. I woke up 3 or 4 times during the time, and in each of those times of being half-sleep and then going back to sleep, I was careful to count how many dreams. You see, people do not usually do that, but I did that because of how I am recently. For one, I have an autobiography-journal around 1 million words long, and it has been ongoing since July 4, 2023. In 41 days, from May 28 to July 8, 2024, I averaged 7766.88 words per day, amounting up to 318,442 words. In addition, I was serializing fiction novels, averaging 4,300 words per day in the course of 74 days from February 13 to April 27, 2024, which reached up to 318,200 words (which is interestingly close to the 318,442!). The fact that I slept and woke up several times in the night; the increasing clarity and coherence in my life since the creation of the autobiography-journal; my bursts of fiction writing in late 2023 and 2024, which dates back to 2019 and all the way back to my earliest fiction writings in 2014 or 2015; and the growing streamlining of the relationship between what I perceive to be the precise, comprehensive, systematic, structured, organized, structuralist, modernist autobiography-journal and my pluralist, eclectic, postmodern, surrealist, post-structuralist life and fiction novels are possibly central to the reasons why my dreams were particularly vivid and clear last night. These dreams were also comprehensive, precise, and highly distinct and easy to identify.

To be clear, I am more concerned with the reasons why the dreams are like that. I am less concerned about the dreams themselves as I view them as results of my activities in real life.

To explain why I describe the dreams as "precise" and "comprehensive," they used numerous details that pertained to my clearer, more precise, and comprehensive understanding of my life and the world. The dreams themselves demonstrated this newfound expertise birthed from my autobiography-journal and my growing intention in ensuring that the structuralism and modernism of the autobiography-journal does not cause distress potentially as a consequence of neglecting the pluralist and eclectic character of my life in the sense that writing as a human artificial invented construct becomes 'so intensely fabricating' that it destroys the personhood. Crucial to this was my addressal of this issue and my continued attempts to secure a postmodern and post-structuralist understanding of my life that recognizes that the precision and comprehensiveness of the autobiography-journal alone can lead to a great sense of invalidation and discomfort because of how little it can pertain to the actual person itself, such that it can destroy it. The streamlining between the autobiography and a pluralist and eclectic character of my life and my fiction stories have possibly been central to the dreams themselves.

Maybe, it was not the actual streamlining itself, but the addressal of the issue that brought newfound streamlining between the autobiography-journal and the pluralist and eclectic character of my life and fiction stories.

To be clear, I neglected to mention that the autobiography-journal is being accompanied now by academic texts, especially with June 2024, which was a month entirely dedicated to studying academic texts. However, this habit of reading academic texts has been frequent since 2023, with its precursors in 2021 or 2022.


July 11, 03:39:32 – July 11, 04:52:06
Reflections on Blogging, Sharing Creative Work, and Finding the Right Audience


I came upon this blog by accident. I just want to say that it's nice to see someone writing blogs in this day and age. I know blogs are much more common than ever; however, back in the late 2000s and early 2010s, the blogs I encountered were much more surface-level, at least when it came to the games I liked such as Roblox and Minecraft. While it is not too surprising given the current landscape of Youtube, Reddit, and other social media platforms, it is nice to see that blogs have grown. Keep up the good work! Overall, I am a blog enthusiast, given that blogs are awesome ways to get to know the people, and that is the reason why I visited Japanese blogs on several occasions to deepen my understanding of their everyday life. In short, thank you for your contribution to the online community.

are emotes even effective? They look fake. Sorry, I was not born in an era when emotes were used that much in particular. Early Facebook did use emotes and emoticons, but it was not that much.

Maybe, I should just put emotion faces instead.

Imagine if your first experience publishing on the Internet was welcoming and friendly. It reminds me of the early days of the Internet. Nowadays, everyday users have grown up when the Internet was already there, so they're less likely to treat the Internet as this privilege.

So people are much less likely to say: "In short, thank you for your contribution to the online community."

It is like living in New York. At first, when it was much smaller and more unified rather than a conglomerate of numerous external entities, it probably felt like a bunch of villagers or settlers just hanging about.

It reminds me of my own stories actually. My own stories are very homely and feel like this one tiny place that is only specific to the characters. I still keep remembering scenes from the stories I've written, and part of me wonders why I do not publish them. The feeling of homeliness that I get when I remember scenes from those stories makes me feel something, and the best part is that I do not remember the climax of those stories. I oftentimes find myself remembering the quiet and small in-betweens of the stories, when there were only subtle hints of what was to happen next. But these scenes was generally calm, relaxing, and reminding one of real life.

Publishing can ruin the homely feeling that made these stories intimate and real-life–feeling in the first place. I've experienced it myself with my novel "Matthew," which changed forever as a result of active public feedback and perception. The thing is that since my novels were atypical and went against the mold, they were more likely to be controversial, given that I was likely only one out of 80,000 novels (the website I was on only had that amount of novels) that wrote the way I did.

I was inspired by Hirohiko Araki when he brought his manga "Jojo's Bizarre Adventure" into the fine arts by realizing that what he wanted was to be recognized as an artist rather than a manga artist. So instead of bringing his creations to his manga readers, who would nevertheless love them, he opened up an art exhibition show in Paris, where people were most likely to appreciate the fine arts. This inspired me because part of me wonders if posting my postmodern, post-structuralist, psychologically realistic, absurdist surrealist novels on a website that posts mainly Gary Stu progressive LitRPG fantasy action stories is a good idea, even if I did love several popular novels on that site.

Honestly, at this point, I'll just focus on the novels themselves and the intimate feeling that I get from writing, reading, and remembering them—the home, intimate, and real-life–feeling.



July 11, 03:57:40
Data Point: Tracking PaolofromTOKYO's "Day in the Life" View Count (2019-2024)


2019 was when I started watching the video series "Day in the Life" by the Youtube channel PaolofromTOKYO. The in 2019 was highest, but it soon died down in 2024, going from consistently 16 million views in their first video from this series to below 1 million views.


April 6, 2019, May 11, 2019, June 15, 2019, July 6, 2019, August 3 2019, August 24, 2019, September 28, 2019, November 16, 2019, November 30, 2019, December 28, 2019, January 18, 2020, February 15, 2020, March 7, 2020, April 4, 2020, August 22, 2020, September 26, 2020, November 14, 2020, November 21, 2020, February 27, 2021, April 10, 2021, May 8, 2021, June 19, 2021, August 28, 2021, October 2, 2021, November 6, 2021, December 11, 2021, February 5, 2022, May 21, 2022, August 6, 2022, September 17, 2022, October 22, 2022, November 26, 2022, Jan 7, 2023, February 18, 2023, March 18, 2023, April 29, 2023, June 3, 2023, July 15, 2023, August 26, 2023, November 18, 2023, February 10, 2024, March 9, 2024, April 13, 2024, June 1, 2024, July 6, 2024
In millions:
16 + 4.6 + 7.4 + 10 + 13 + 4.7 + 8.3 + 13 + 16 + 12 + 19 + 20 + 11 + 10 + 3.4 + 15 + 2 + 2.7 + 8 + 4.4 + 4.2 + 5 + 4.9 + 5.5 + 3.4 + 2.7 + 4.8 + 3.6 + 3.2 + 4.2 + 4 + 4 + 1.6 + 1.6 + 1.2 + 3 + 1.8 + 1.2 + 1.7 + 1.9 + 1.4 + 1.5 + 1 + 1.7 + 457,000

[REDACTED]


July 11, 04:47:53
Contemplating Platform Creation and Audience Maintenance Challenges


I might just make my own platform, but I honestly do not know. The amount of work needed to have a platform up is crazy. So I think I'll just keep up to myself for now.

I know well just how systematic I have to be to maintain an audience. I know well how hard it is to maintain me as an audience.

From my personal experience, if I wanted to maintain an audience, I would have to create something that is genuinely good, but I would also need people marketing my work for me. If I don't have people like that. I would have to go to great efforts to make sure that I am relevant.


July 11, 04:55:22 – July 11, 04:57:06
On the Normalization and Potential Origins of the Term "Quickie"


It is weird that the term "quickie" has been normalized that no one thinks it's a sexual term. Even I used it or words similar to it growing up.

I mean, if we think about the way "quickie" is created as a term, it is very easy to create it independently to mean "quick task or thing" even without exposure to the original sexual term.

It is like saying "super-duper" in that it is constructed intuitively in a way that a child would.



July 11, 05:15:00 – July 11, 05:39:33
Against Revision in Fiction: Prioritizing Immersion and Authenticity


I do not understand the concept of revisions from a creative standpoint, or to be more precise, I believe in the principle of write it and leave it, as an adaptation of "take it or leave it." I do not believe in the editing process, and I more so trust in the writer's ability to navigate their own works with a great systematic precision that whatever he does, whether by mistake or intentionally, becomes a mark of his work, so as to provide him with the necessary "creative neologisms" which defined his work in the first place, such that it is upon him he may be bestowed a creative right. To be clear, I am not referring to a writer's incapacity for mistakes, but I refer to his ability to navigate the seams of his own works by himself and in his own private time, that he may surgically define the limits, boundaries, and situational choices, that define thoroughly his career.

In figurative terms, he is a soldier in the ranks of a dozen, his mighty pen threading the folds which had formed, that he may at once, with great might, pledge his soul to this seaming work. He cries out loud not out of pain, but in the virtue of silence and troublesomeness, he can be by himself virtuously defined.

I recognize the importance of revision in non-fiction works; however, in fiction writing, I more so refer to the delicateness exacted by the reader in that they expect an unfolding of the work in immersive steps, that in doing so quickly, the writer matches the reader's pace, gently awakening their inner voices which would remain only in their heads and validating them directly upon the paper. Through speed and wit, the reader-present writer recognizes the need to be of the same mind as the reader, removing the need for revision, editing, and painful editing concerns and submerging oneself into the eyes, ears, touch, and nose of the reader, that they might grab the reader by the neck and then become one with them through a sense of spiritual unification, that in the Reader, he becomes a new creature who recognizes not the 'objectivisms' of particular semantic and syntactic character, but of the idealized world as it is bestowed upon the reader through reading. If the writer embraces this post-idealism, then he detaches himself from the reader and creates a detached work, setting the line between reader and writer clear, which is beneficial in non-fiction work, but can be deleterious in fiction work.

The same way writing as a human invented artificial construct can obstruct personhood and pluralist, eclectic reality, the same way revisions can obstruct the idealist oneness between writer and reader.

When we strive for objectivism through revisions, rather than objective reality, it is more accurate to describe this strive as one toward structuralism and modernism. We eschew then the pluralism, eclecticism, postmodernism, and post-structuralism of reality.

The same way readers do not experience the story in revisions, the same way it is crucial that a writer focus on the oneness that occurs between the reader and the writer in the first draft. We must recognize that once the writer has gone over even just a single draft and abandoned matching the pace of the reader, then he has disconnected already.

There is no particular appearance of this writing. There is no particular style that embodies this. There is no particular way of expressing that can be said to be of this reader-present writing.

However, it is honesty between the writer and the reader—the oneness could be described not only as immersiveness, but of honesty.

Even if authenticity can look the same as everyone else, it is still essential.

Trying to create a particular look that is touted to be that of "authenticity" only creates structuralism and modernism. When stream-of-consciousness writing no longer serves the purpose of postmodernism, it is structuralism and modernism.

This is especially important in the age of AI language models, where people are leaving behind their authentic selves for what is basically a simulation of reality. This is not reality-making, but performative social enterprising. Authenticity is more than just a logo, a statement, or a self-help book slogan. It is about bringing reality into the room, and that is the reason why I summarize it as "write it and leave it," even if I do not particularly like the way it can be possibly misunderstood.

According to current trends and expectations, one day, 'authentic language' might be totally commodified by AI language models such that it becomes structuralized and modernized, but humans will adapt to find ways to be authentic.  People have used all kinds of masks to be honest, whether it be through an online persona, through an accent, through a joke, or through some elaborate scheme.


July 11, 05:47:48
Reflections on Memory Overload and Alienation Through Knowledge


I remember staring at the lights, and the only thing that I would feel is that there are too many things to be thinking about. I remember the dreams, and I cannot understand why they were even there. I questioned many things.

When I was younger, maybe, things made sense, but time has changed, and I've learned many knowledge, skills, and experiences that make me feel only strange and alienated. I think there is nothing that can be said. I feel that this passage is clear enough, and any amount of analsis will come out blank, because it is clear as it is already and any addition would be personal extrapolation or one that goes as far as finding ways to make sense of a single one-sentence quote that does not mean much on its own but means much only when extrapolated through numerous different perspectives.

What can one do?

I wonder again, and I ask the same questions. I remember many people that I have forgotten, and there was a good reason that I have forgotten them and moved on. But at the same time, every once in a while, I do find myself wanting to remember and finding it ameliorative. Too many people have passed in front of my eyes. I see this non-channging perspective of my eyes as part of my head. I am still in my own head, viewing the world thorugh my eyes which creates this wide perspective. And while the lens is unchanging, the feelings, knowledge, and experiences inside this head and body is changing. The colors, outlines, entities, and shapes that I see outside continue to change, and numerous events, experiences, and all kinds of situations have occured through this lens.

To emphasize, I remember too many people, and I remember too many occasions that were each distinct and unchanging in this memory of mine so as to be permanently etched into the fabric of my existence.


July 11, 05:51:36
Coping Through Obscurity: A Surreal Passage


I want to eat chicken and go to heaven. I am now engaging in these vague obscure statements as a way to cope with the clarity of reality, as it is presented to me. I see colors, fading lights, and all kinds of doves filling the air. The word "dove" means many things to me, and the reason I use it is that it is so vague yet so specific, so general and not aggressively specific, yet so fine and precise. I can see dogs wandering about like people flying about, sun dials treading down carefully like men with wings of glorious power. The world sings a song, and no one hears, thousasnds of day lights dancing like men of glory and/or hope. The sun fills the air, striking the beating drum. Throwing knives leave behind marks of red, blood filling the street around and below my street town. I see colors and numerous flavors, where prepositions would fill the scene. Ten dogs imbue the world with a colorful gaze.

[REDACTED]


July 11, 06:01:03 – July 11, 06:02:29
Recalling Peak Early Gaming Years (2013): LoL, Roblox, Minecraft


2013 was when I was most involved with League of Legends, given that I was listening to Instalock during that year. It was only during the time I was most active in Roblox as well, and it was also the year of around Minecraft version 1.5.2 So this was a peak time of my early gaming years and that of my siblings.

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]


July 11, 06:37:44 – July 11, 06:49:30
Creative Prose: Sun God Ra and the Man Confronting the Wind


I must create life out of the darkness. There is a joy to be created out of the beauty out of the ashes. I am sun God Ra, teller of all stories that must be created and divined through increasing questioning of those who have gone, the sinners of the Lord Suntula. I sin, not because I am a sinner, but according to their etymology of the word "sin", that they have increased Providence over us? They are fools to incinerate their understanding in such a divine baptism. I will crush the heathenousness of all things Suntul. I am here because I am divinely understood as the harbinger of all things that are good and readily apparent.

---

I sat down in the corner of a little shop, my hands shaking, my feet shuffling about as a way to release the cramps that I sustained upon folding my legs particularly. In hopes of dispersing the earthly pain, I attempted to retain a sense of composure to wrinkling my face and keeping my eyes closed as a way to ground the stress elicited by the physical pain. It was here in the shop that the pain soon subsided. I gladly awakened from the slumber that my underside sustained and stood up, taking upon myself the mantle of the wind, which had been blowing here hitherto until my presence halted it.

Above me and surrounding the earth where the grounds were readily spread, the sun lit up like doves spread over the horizon, with sunlight emerging like men oaring their way to providence.

Around me, a bickering wind I began to take notice, watching the way it mocked my presence like a bat knowing not the beauty of the morn such that it became antagonistic toward it.

So, it was the northern winds that I clapsed before I placed them down, surgically interpreting their behavioral characteristics that I might psychologically identify their weakness: I found the 'energy-hole,'' which was the weakness hidden therein, and I struck it with my delicately seamed hands, whereupon I kicked it and magically ordered a quick resuscitation of its essence before clasping it again.

I knew well that such mockery did not fare well in the after-life, so hereupon the earthly bearing sustained by the framework of the heavenly order, I ordered things about.

Rather than ramblings of a man man, my words spoke of the world as it shifted, capturing the essences within the folds of reality that were often too complex to be uncovered.

Upon the earth, my feet lay their hand-like appendage-like toes, singing the organic lines with their flavorful noise-like texture. I knew well that the organic flavors of the earth as it spilled through like men bringing logs to their kingdom were faint and subtle, yet precise and grand in scale and impact. This was why I made connection with it through my bare feet. I connected with the moving large masses.


July 11, 06:38:18
A Statement of Prior Power


I was powerful before I sat down and emerged from the slumber of a tiresome awakening.


July 11, 06:58:22
Workflow Observation: Writing in AI Textboxes vs. a Dedicated Text Editor


I notice that I never use the text editor that I use to write for the most part. I tend to write stuff in the textbox of AI language models instead. Does this mean that I should have a separate text editor or writing application for writing and one for storing text, because I tend to use the text editor "Kate" because it can handle my 300,000-word plain text single file. But I end up just coping what I have written and then placing it there, using a shortcut to paste a date in order to make sure that each journal entry is separated by dates.


July 11, 07:47:22
Stem-Cell Transplants Making the Abstract "Immune System" Concrete


the idea of a stem-cell transplant, or when the immune system is moved from someone else into the patient, is insane if you think about it.

The idea of the immune system has always been abstract for me growing up in elementary, so seeing something as concretizing as a stem-cell transplant really underscores the actual groundedness and concrete actualities of such terminology.

For the most part, the immune system has always been a like a boogie monster that you hear at night when people talk about how the immune system is crucial for health and auto-immune diseases somehow destroy the entire body.


July 11, 08:42:46 – July 11, 08:50:11
Beginning Media Studies: Recalling Ergo Proxy, Manga, and a Specific Reading Memory


After taking the time to address many things, I thought I'd go ahead and begin addressing media studies, specifically beginning with my own experiences with media. This has taken a lot of patience and time; however, now that I've taken much time going through a lot of things, I think I've reached the point where I can study past media that I've consumed. However, my entire time will not be monopolized by media studies, as I will also be addressing many past experiences like the time that I went to Zambales. So this will take a lot of patience.

I remember watching the show Ergo Proxy around 2022 or 2023. I might have watched it earlier, but I do remember that it was later rather than earlier. So I likely watched it after 2020 and 2021, but there is a chance that I might have watched it before the TV show "Arcane", which would mean that it was in early 2021 or before, given that Arcane was released in November 6, 2021.

In any case, I definitely watched this show years before the anime "Promised Neverland", which ran from January to March 2019. I still remember the particular manga-reading headspace I was around this time in 2019. I was introduced to manga, and I became obsessed with it. I read numerous manga that catered to that part of my mind that longed for something completely different. It stimulated that through manga like "To Your Eternity", which I read up to around chapter 94 (which was released on July 26, 2019) and "Promised Neverland", which I read up to around chapter 46 (released on July 10, 2017).

I remember that in 2019 and 2020, I would sometimes sleep in my half-sister's room when she was not at home. I remember this one time that I was listening to Shawn Mendes' official remix of his song "Why" that featured Leon Bridges for the whole night. This is one of those rare times that I listened to one song on repeat for a whole night. During this time, I was reading a shōjo manga titled "Missions of Love" and finished it in one entire night.

This particular instance is one example of my mental state. One can imagine how dazed and confused I must have been yet so immersed and vivid.

[REDACTED]


July 11, 14:10:44
Confusion Regarding ChatGPT Account Creation vs. First Usage Date


I find it interesting. I created an account with ChatGPT apparently on
December 19, 2022, but my first message was on February 16, 2023 4:37:29 PM. I am a little confused that I took months before I sent my first message. It's weird that I do not remember the reason why.


July 11, 15:07:30 – July 11, 15:22:49
Critiquing Internet White Feminism and Navigating Western-Centric Bias Online


Am I the only one stunted by white feminism reaching even people that I used to know growing up? I am alright with feminism, but the current brand of white feminism is something that I have been led to grow weary of. Internet white feminism is something I'm very wary of. I find any Internet movements, including men's movements, very suspect and hard to believe in, given that it is a battle of representatives and strawmans. It is hard to find constructive discussion when the only thing that comes out of it is extremes. It is hard to find nuanced arguments in social media, so I do not try, given that any time I've tried, I've only exposed myself to stress. I would rather read books about movements written by people not entangled with Internet and social media political firebrands.

Simply, I prefer reading academic texts on feminism, because it is incredibly hard to find constructive discourse in social media. I feel that white feminism as it is today in the Internet contributes only to further deterioration of nuance and exacerbation of extremism. It is okay to be radical. It is not okay to be not constructive.

It is tiring hearing a bunch of repetitive talk, and it just sounds like a high school peer pressure group mass-mobilized. It does not help at all in establishing and lending to nuanced, constructive conversations. I could go and on, but yeah, it is a pain in the ass to get in touch with social media and genuinely put my heart into understanding it, because the only thing that's happening is me getting 'flash-banged' by extremist radical non-constructive social media posts, comments, and replies that amount to nothing but hatred.

This is why I have grown weary of seeing anyone behaving like the typical white woman or the typical white man. I realize now that I probably am like that, but maybe not. I don't know. I have definitely been influenced by academic texts, which has a very long white history. So my ideas could be described as being a lot more white in the sense that I have engaged in Western and European academic texts.

I was laughing just several days ago at a Western academic text about the tropics. It felt so stupid for someone to be surprised about a place and culture that is so familiar to me because that was my upbringing. It is hilarious, and it underscores the need for non-Western perspectives, because it is getting tiring seeing the familiar pattern of ideas, wording, and perspective from Western authors. I've read so much that it has driven me to write down my entire life in an autobiography-journal, not just to document, but to drive home a perspective upon the landscape of current globally spread academia that hopefully, it will not be the same Western blindness. At least, we'll get people who know what it's like writing about it instead of people from outside looking in. Of course, it's great to have people interested in other cultures, as they can serve as translators and mediators. But sooner or later, it would be great to have new perspectives on the move. That is why I am working hard as well, because it is tiring seeing the monotony that Western viewpoints can embody in particular cases.

I still bear some frustration and a lingering anti-dominant structure sentiment when I saw someone question my use of particular names, cultural traits, and writing styles. I understand the need to question, and I would definitely love to explain myself. But it does strike me as odd that I even have to do that, and then I realize that everyone here on this self-publishing website for web novels is probably European or American. It is challenging to live in a world where the only culture, writing styles, and names that exist are dominantly White. What can one but sit down and think why a person would ask that? Then I realize that the world revoles around white people, so they often forget about the idea that others exist and jump the gun and question disapprovingly the use of a particular way of writing. The fact that I was immediately characterized as Asian American bothered me immediately, because I am not American, and I live in a whole different country, which, while it speaks English, is a completely different landscape, culture, world, and community. I find myself frustrated that I am not expected to question the assumptions slammed upon me, and I am not saying that I am a victim. But I see this as structuralist and modernist dismissal, that everyone should bow down to American/or, as if anything that is not American is non-American. This has become the trend, and there is little we can do to stop it but spread awareness. It is dutiful task, and it often comes out wrong. But hey, what am I to do but do whatever I can to achieve a simple job, that of self-expression, in a structure dominated by elements that do not answer to anyone but a particular powerhouse of people,
and excludes others in the process? What to do but accept this reality?

The idea that cultures have to remain within their borders can be perceived as being from an understandable, well-intent place, but I find that to be highly dismissive, even if unintentionally. I have tried my best to forsake my past perceptions and go into a new world, that of the West with their ideas, culture, considerations, opinions, and perspectives. However, that has come with many disadvantages, specifically the fact that I am not entering into a small little community abode, but that of a superpower that has long established itself. That carries heavy implications that might be impossible to accept as okay or normal. It is not that I have moved to the West; however, I do engage in the Internet and take part in Western Internet platforms. I recognize that the issues within it cannot be simply addressed without obtaining the ugly-look of men who have long heard no idea of difference that they did not assume to be completely wrong. It is the "world that carries the mantles of divinity, history, and self-assuredness," but the men who use it today to impose unwittingly such things are not of this supposed world, only people who stare upon each other and have yet to recognize completely the necessity of eclecticism and pluralism in a world increasingly driven to polarized modernized structures.


July 11, 15:28:49
Summary of Preceding Critique on Feminism and Western Bias


So they are referring specifically to how white feminism can exacerbate white supremacy, and then he goes on to delve into the weaknesses of Western academic texts that talk about the tropics. Afterwards, he lingers in this frustration to expose the challenges faced by non-Western perspectives in a dominantly Western Internet platform, expressing the difficulties of intergrating well into a platform that questions disapprovingly ideas, themes, concepts, cultural traits, names, and writing styles that differ from their established cultural paradigms, ones so ingrained so as not to be considered "political" due to how undisputed the frameworks are.


July 11, 15:35:17 – July 11, 15:49:53
Drafting an Author Bio: Disclosing Filipino Background and Writing Philosophy


Honestly, this makes me realize that I probably should expose my country of birth and maybe my ethnicity as well if it helps. That should help clarify and make it easier for others to understand my perspective, given that many might find it challenging to read me if I come from a country whereof they have little exposure and understanding.

I think it should be in the author's note, maybe in the bio, or both. It can aid in framing the writing rather than simply as a narrative, but also as a cultural study of writers finding platforms outside their typical school settings in their countries. This provides a look into the mind of writers who may have been exposed to Western Internet communities, platforms, and ideas through texts, but still retain their upbringing and formative years within their respective countries, backgrounds, socioeconomic environments, communities, ethnicities, cultures, and particular personhood as informed by them.

John Conover was born in the Philippines and can be considered Chinese-Filipino, although mostly Filipino and only one-third Chinese. Drawing from his rich cultural background, their writing delves into ideals of collective thought, while diving into the Western recognition of the individual and of their rights, especially in regard to heritage stemming from histories, flavors, and values beyond being an empire and a global superpower. They favor the intersection of perspectives, as opposed to mere support for a particular gender, which while important can exacerbate further loss of perspectives by emphasizing only what is most dominant and traditionally powerful—to the exclusion of all others. With a blend of personal, interpersonal, and sociocultural experiences within his home country, he can derive numerous insights from the everyday liveliness of their (his fellow countrypeople) humility, friendliness, and togetherness stemming from their deep episcopal and congregational cultural-political heritage that does not only dictate their social attitudes but also the very essence of daily life. Combining this with his recent exposure to Western Internet communities, he brings a fresh and nuanced perspective to his work. Through their writing, they aim to foster a deeper understanding of issues beyond a Western perspective and contribute to a more inclusive, intersectional, pluralist, eclectic literary world, as opposed to structuralism and modernism, in favor of post-structuralism and postmodernism.

***

John Conover was born in the Philippines and can be considered Chinese-Filipino, though he identifies mostly as Filipino with one-third Chinese heritage. Drawing from his rich cultural background, his writing delves into ideals of collective thought while exploring Western recognition of the individual and their rights, especially in regard to heritage stemming from histories, flavors, and values beyond being an empire and a global superpower.

John favors the intersection of perspectives over mere support for a particular gender, which, while important, can exacerbate the loss of diverse viewpoints by emphasizing only what is most dominant and traditionally powerful—to the exclusion of all others. With a blend of personal, interpersonal, and sociocultural experiences within his home country, he derives numerous insights from the everyday liveliness of his fellow countrymen's humility, friendliness, and togetherness, stemming from their deep episcopal and congregational cultural-political heritage that dictates their social attitudes and the very essence of daily life.

Combining this with his recent exposure to Western Internet communities, John brings a fresh and nuanced perspective to his work. Through his writing, he aims to foster a deeper understanding of issues beyond a Western perspective and contribute to a more inclusive, intersectional, pluralist, and eclectic literary world. He champions psychological realism and idealism, the narrative technique of introspection, philosophical themes, the blend between Romanticism and Objectivism, expressionism, surrealism, absurdism, post-structuralism, and postmodernism over structuralism and modernism.

***

John Conover was born in the Philippines and identifies mostly as Filipino with one-third Chinese heritage. Drawing from his rich cultural background, his writing explores ideals of collective thought while examining Western recognition of individual rights, particularly in relation to heritage shaped by diverse histories, flavors, and values beyond traditional notions of empire and global influence.

John emphasizes the intersection of perspectives over narrow support for any single gender, recognizing that such focus can marginalize diverse viewpoints. Grounded in personal, interpersonal, and sociocultural experiences within his homeland, he derives insights from the everyday vitality of Filipino humility, friendliness, and communal spirit, influenced by deep episcopal and congregational cultural-political legacies that define social attitudes and daily life.

With exposure to Western Internet communities, John brings a fresh and nuanced perspective to his work. Through his writing, he aims to deepen understanding beyond Western viewpoints, contributing to a more inclusive, intersectional, pluralist, and eclectic literary discourse. He explores psychological realism, idealism, introspective narrative techniques, philosophical themes, and draws inspiration from romanticism, objectivism, expressionism, surrealism, absurdism, post-structuralism, and postmodernism, rejecting the constraints of structuralism and modernism.


July 11, 15:55:40
Query: Defining "Psychological Idealism" in a Literary Context


what is psychological idealism?

when a writer says he champions psychological realism and idealism, what does he mean? He writes characters that have realistic feelings and emotions, but he also writes them in a way that prioritizes their mental experience over the external world at times, so as to be idealist?


July 11, 16:34:20
Navigating Cultural Anti-Intellectualism and Sharing Academic Interests


I notice that the culture of my country, or at least my particular upbringing, is particularly against intellectualism, as in any attempt to delve into academic ideas is met with a particular snide expression.

sadly, academic texts are the only place I can find "like-minded individuals", but yeah, maybe I should express myself on social media anyway,. Like, imagine me just posting my academic texts and studies as a way to go about my life. No one would care or like it. It would just be unsolicited posts from an academic irrelevant to their lives, and they would quickly unfollow, mute, or unfriend me, haha. Or maybe I'm reaching for the worst possible scenario. But it helps!


July 11, 18:28:08
Recognizing Personal Writing Improvement Through Comparative Analysis


It is interesting to see that my writing has improved so much that I could not tell from my past messages that it was an excerpt from another person's academic work or my own writing. The only thing I was able to tell that it was not mine is the use of terms I would never use.


July 12, 01:57:53
Critiquing Web Novel Platforms and Envisioning an AI-Personalized Future


I guess all I had to do was listen to their side of the fence. I realize now that a lot of people feel the same as I do. Even notorious platforms like Wattpad has their critical fans. I'm not alone in thinking that it's tiring seeing the same "mediocre and repetitive" (MR) content being spammed and streamlined in websites. Royalroad, for one, has turned into a LitRPG Gary Stu progression fantasy action novel site with nothing in between, and I'm not saying that one cannot find good content. It is just that this is what gets clicks now apparently. This goes the same for Wattpad where the same MR content is being promoted even when the readers have clearly been reading other kinds of stories. Nowadays, as well, people are now using AI language models like Character AI in order to write their own stories. There is a lot fewer readers nowadays. I have a vision for a platform for human authors that was managed by AI as a way to make sure that the recommended tailored perfectly to the reader, instead of the same content being propagated and proliferated on the platform. The thing is, it takes so much effort to dig through the novels and find something utterly original and high-quality, and many readers find it easier to read the same MR stories because the current algorithms make it challenging for people to find new stories. Everything is decided by the majority, but hopefully, with the help of AI, we can one day be a lot more personalized and individualized.


July 12, 02:13:50 – July 12, 02:52:08
Writing for Oneself vs. Popularity: Critiquing Online Conformity


I know well already that there is nothing that I can say about myself that will be particularly different. I can easily write fiction stories that are different, because they're postmodern. But that does not mean anything in this vast, rich world. I have read stories that are now forgotten. Why? Because they were not remembered. There are countless stories that are good but do not fit the mold, and many get their own loyal fan bases. But not all. Not all stories are necessarily going to hit with everyone, and stories that hit only with a few can be forgotten by those few who do not get exposed to them on the Internet. It is a popularity content in the end. I have read stories that may have been good and interesting, but that does not necessarily mean they will be popular and get anywhere. In fact, fiction writing itself is being questioned already.

I do not believe in fiction stories as something that will make people feel anything to be honest outside of myself. They are basically part of my non-fiction autobiography-journal. Rather than standing on their own, they will be extensions of myself. If people find out about those novels, it will likely be through myself with my own autobiography-journal.

If I approach writing fiction as something valuable in and of themselves as part of my life, creativity, self-expression, and development, then it will feel good actually. But if I look at my fiction works as things that will get popular or get anywhere in people's minds outside of myself, then I am looking straight at a brick wall. The truth is that my writing is valuable because it is mine and mine alone. I live in a world full of different people, voices, and a bunch of something and nothing. There is little to say and much to say. All that is said has been said already (in that sense that all words have been said so as to make it seem that everyone is repetitive when human lives are valuable, unique, and complex in ways that no words can easily describe), and nothing has been said, with so much hiding beneath the surface.

It is also not very simple to find people talking about anything. Anything that gets talked about runs through so many filters and derivations. What informs writing is completely different from what informs media consumption. Most readers are silent, so media consumption by itself does not naturally lend to people writing about it on the Internet. But it does serve as a visual basis, even if much of the heavy-lifting is done not by media consumption but how a reader is informed in communication such that they will lend up writing. But as said earlier, what informs writing is completely different from what informs media consumption. This means that people who do talk about anything on the Internet will use terms and words and refer to ideas, concepts, and things that contrast significantly from what they have consumed all their life. I have read numerous manga, but have I written anything about it? I'm already starting to do it. Why? Because I'm writing an autobiography-journal. For the most part, people rarely bring it to the online space and really drive in something that is genuinely precise and comprehensive. Their writing will likely be repetitive and surface-level and involve mere mere participation, which is entertaining. But it is not susbtantial enough to define the silent readers, because there is a clear distinction between those who actively converse on the Internet and the much larger silent majority. Most people are part of their own families and peer groups with which they can talk about interests, and it usually is very short-lived. People do not really obsess over things, and they change a lot quickly. Even if one person watches the anime "One Piece" for years, he is still part of the silent majority, and most people like him take long breaks. Most even stop watching completely, only encountering social media posts that mention One Piece. The truth is that everything on the Internet is highly filtered and derivative, and that means it is highly compromised, faulty, and limited when it comes to understanding about people given that the silent majority may do something their entire lives but then completely neglect writing a 100,000-word document detailing everything about those experiences, such as watching an anime or reading a manga. Most people do not do what I do with my 1-million-word autobiography-journal, and it is clear that the autobiography was the primary reason. So if I do end up writing about my experience with a manga, it would be because of the autobiography and not necessarily the manga itself. This demonstrates that even among people who do think about what they consume and experience, they need so much just to get started and oftentimes just leave behind traces of their online footprints everyday without much explicit admission or documentation of their thoughts, ideas, experiences, and consumption.

Oftentimes, as well, we tend to prefer being part of things that make us feel comfortable and of the same mind. This means that people are less likely to be drawn to things that feel distinct, and this is crucially why the things that get most popular can tend to be generic or inspire a whole new trend of novels imitating them. Distinction is dangerous, and the novels that do get popular are often rarely distinct and more so the most streamlined version of a particular trend, rather than anything that is distinct so as to be uncomfortable. The more "quieter" or less distinct and more streamlined something is, the more we may feel a sense of being of the same mind as everyone else within that community group.

This is why livestreamers, novels, and content creators are most popular when they are the most streamlined version of an ideal, rather than anything particularly distinct. Anything that diverges from this concept is seen as a failure because it is not the most streamlined, non-distinct essence of their ideal. It is the great of-the-same-mind all-agreeing comfortable community feel. It is like a president that can represent a country in its whole and entirety, and that is why they often look like the most distilled and streamlined essence of the ideal, rather than anything distinct. It is the biggest and great all-agreeing distillation.

This is why we have the same jokes, same speech statements, same formulaic plots, same Gary Stus, same buzzwords and political terms, same tropes, same trends, same dynamics, same feel, same vibe, same mood, same reaction, and so on. Memes are an example of that. The same "Zoro is lost" joke of the anime "One Piece" is an example of this.

People will watch the League of Legends esports team "T1" (previously SKT T1) win again and again, because we love that feeling. We love that feeling of watching the same top 1 team win again and again. We love it when they lose from time to time, even if people suspect it to be intentional for the purpose of creating tension. People love T1 because they feel like a decade-long familiarity, one that unites older and newer players, and one that can be trusted to remain spectacular forever and ever. This is especially the case with its longest-staying player "Faker."

We fear the 2020s, and we miss the early 2010s.


July 12, 03:11:16 – July 12, 03:36:34
Deconstructing Political Labels: US Soft Power, Authoritarianism, and State Capitalism


I find it interesting that someone would neglect US as a soft power. I think that goes to show how powerful the US is, that even its citizens find themselves critiquing other countries for using soft power methods, while being completely ignorant of the power the US holds over the rest of the world.

The word "authoritarian" means something so differently depending on others, and if one looks at something that is described as authoritarian from some other culture, we find ourselves astonished at the way that they would ever do that, while ignoring all the actions that could be potentially described as authoritarian that the US has done. If it is the Soviet Union, it is blamed on them being Soviet Union and them being communist. If it is the US, then it is blamed on the CIA and on certain political dynasties. We might blame the Chinese Communist Party, but that does not mean that they stand for every other communist country in the world. Not everything can be simplified as authoritarian and communist anymore, given how people have used it as a pejorative at this point.

The word 'propaganda' is also used as a pejorative at this point. If it fails at convincing, it is propaganda. If it succeeds, it is just everyday and normal.

In the end, people do not realize that the world cannot be simplified even to political systems, as the choices that leaders make matters a lot. Communism did not make Lysenkoism. Communism as a framework is completely separate from Stalin's interpretation of it. Even within the Soviet Union, there were so many contrasting interpretations that formed different sides. Furthermore, Lenin was definitely a key post-revolution inspiration, so his views can be considered so distint and defining that it is practically impossible to say that Stalin, Lenin, Trotsky can agree even on the basic premises of Karl Marx's ideas and how they should be interpreted.

The Chinese Communist Party has the word "communist", but just like the national socialist movement in its initial premise, we can use the term and argue that they are using the tenets of Marxism, but Marxism and the CCP's definition of Marxism and communism are not the same.

CCP has been considered capitalist, particularly state capitalism (Shan, 2021; Kamusella, 2021; Pearson et al., 2023; Blanchette, 2021). Engels even argued that state capitalism would be the final stage of capitalism (Engels, 1880).

However, one has disputed describing state capitalism as capitalism in an opinion letter (Atkinson 2021).


July 12, 03:50:22
The Value of Interpretation and Personal Choice in Writing


That is the beauty, is it not? Interpretation and frameworks have always stimulated interest. For example, notions in writing such as "always use 'said'" is a highly personal choice, and it is often dangerous to get used to doing only one thing. So exploration is great, but sometimes, it is better to do what one likes anyway.


July 12, 04:19:31 – July 12, 04:24:28
Preference Shift Towards Non-Fiction Amidst Critique of Wish Fulfillment Culture


My goodness, I would rather read non-fiction texts and stories anyday. I've grown quite critical of fiction stories for their unbalanced portrayal, but I guess that is wish fulfillment in general. I have long grown to dislike it, as it has rather been plagued with dismissiveness, elitism, and unconstructive behavior. The good of wish fulfillment is when one turns off one's mind and reads, which I can do easily; however, it becomes problematic when one engages in the creation of fiction stories themselves and serializes them to the audience whereof I was a part. At that point, I learned that wish fulfillment was great, but it had the downsides of toxicity due to how delicate people were toward getting their wishes fulfilled.

If it was wish fulfillment with a critical mind, it would be enjoyable to read, because I would be able to engage in critical thinking outside of reading and enjoy myself when reading. However, it became an issue for me when I realized that people engaged in wish fulfillment with a non-constructive elitist dismissve mindset. I was only able to enjoy wish fulfillment because I perceived it as just a pastime that allowed me to explore scenarios whereof I would have never felt played a role as reader, but once it began reminding me of readers who treated wish fulfillment stories as platforms to express non-constructive comments characterized by elitist behavior, I soon lost interest. However, I did end up finding 'wish fulfillment' in non-fiction as it reminded me of the joys of fiction once again, even if it is non-fiction itself. Reading non-fiction allowed me to remember and look back at the fiction stories and worlds that I loved reading and writing.


July 12, 04:40:02 – July 12, 05:04:49
Questioning Music's Purpose: Zeitgeist, Ideology, and Post-Structuralism


What is the point of music? I wonder today what is the point of music? If Eminem and Kendrick Lamar both can embody the particular zeitgeist of an era, then I guess that is their purpose, to support, unite, rally, and bring clarity?

Then why not broader intellectual goals? I guess post-structuralism would support the idea of using music to break open these structuralist intellectual frameworks, given that music has been used surrealistically and in a fragmented way. However, it is not so simple. Popular music has been used to advance structuralist narratives; however, it has also been used to bring people into pluralist eclectic notions.

It is not so simple though. Music can be pluralist through its lyrics and content (such as through music videos), through how its experimentation, surrealism, and fragmentation, or both. Songs like 'Hey Ya" by Outkast with its use of irony with its uplifting sounds and its somber lyrics could be described as an ironic piece, but it could also be described as post-structuralist. It questions the use of happy melodies, but it still uses lyrics that anyone can understand quickly. But not everyone will agree with this, as irony can be considered to have structuralized already such that anyone that does use irony is a part of the prevailing structure. However, it is safe to say that we live in a new era that promotes much criticism, self-awareness, irony, skepticism, and even Pyrrhonism with the rise of the Internet. So the Internet could be described as a place that lends naturally to post-structuralism and postmodernism due to its democratized character, but it can go both ways.

In recent years since around the mid 20th century, critical theory, post-structuralism, and postmodern thought have definitely seen advances through theories such as intersectional feminism as a way to navigate the new complex world with neologisms such as 'trans-exclusionary radical feminism,' and such as multiculturalism, and post-colonial ideas.


July 12, 05:12:28 – July 12, 05:40:19
Gibberish, Post-Structuralism, and Blending Literary Theories in Practice


It is interesting that I have an intellectual relationship with speaking in gibberish. I engage in post-structuralist ideas, and I have developed this habit of speaking in gibberish as a way to hide my ideas while expressing them internally. It is a way of validating myself in the face of perceived misunderstanding and invalidation, and it also signifies a semantic, but not necessarily a tonally syntactic, departure from structuralist and modernist manners of communication and definition.

Rather simply a way to hide from misunderstanding, it speaks to a broader issue of the 'meaninglessness' of language and the unfounded 'precision' of even the most precise and compehensive writings and discussions, such that even in my attempts to describe greatly a particular idea, I recognize that it will cease to be of sense. I am not willing either to leave it as a confirmation of my pure intellectual growth; rather, I recognize that even among intellectuals, there is great debate into the inquiry of terms, ideas, and frameworks as they have been established. I do not want to leave it as just a confirmation of the lack of understanding and intellect supposedly displayed by those around me.

This is crucially why I have found great impact in writing surrealism and gibberish in my novels as a way to express particular ideas, concepts, and themes. In one instance, I used gibberish as a way to portray the weakness of language and structuralist frameworks as they impinged upon the mind of the main character in his consecutive failed attempts at reaching a modernism liberty characterized by idealism. The mix of structuralist objectivism, idealism, postmodern notions, surrealism, absurdism, and psychological realism are described in all six ways: that through systematic formality, fly-on-the-wall observation or observationalism, precision, and comprehensiveness (structuralist objectivism); vividness, grandiose, Romantic expressionism, and emphasis on the inner life than the external world, with the concept of the appearance of objects from our view rather than the things-in-themselves (idealism); the breakdown of the very nature of language, meaning, established ideas, themes, concepts, and normativeness (postmodernism and post-structuralism; pluralism and eclecticism); dream-like scenes, "strange" imagery, and deterioration of distinction in association with post-structuralism (surrealism); the meaningless of life and the randomness of everything, despite the idealisms, rationalism, and empiricism (absurdism); and the careful recognition of psychogenic conditions and affects as landmarks for developing a delicate piecing-together of the elements of choices and distinction-making (psychological realism). To add, psychological realism, along with the related ideas Freudanism, anthropology, and mythography, can also fall under the grand narratives of modernism and structuralism, but its application can be used as a way to promote framework disintegration by critical theory.

Intergrating all of these movements would be in line with postmodern, where I bring the enemies—modernism, objectivism, structuralism, idealism—and apply critical theory by blending them and demonstrating their futility in crafting a grand narrative of the world.

That means I write in styles that depict characters engaging in empiricism; however, these characters soon falls prey to circumstances that lead them to idealism. Their idealism is flawed and based upon biases and psychological degeneration, which reflects the psychological realism. Their circumstances become surreal and absurd, and they questions everything with postmodern and post-structuralist notions. It is not linear either, so I shift and blend between all of these.


July 12, 05:48:01 – July 12, 05:50:21
On Writers Unconsciously Embodying Philosophical Movements


this is how they write fiction?

Interesting, because if the writer writes like this, I imagine that the main characters are probably very normal people who do not know all of these movements. But the writer can see what these main characters are experiencing and he's intentional about it. I wonder if he first found the ideas before he wrote like this, or he wrote like this and identified the elements of his writing style later.

So without knowing post-structuralism, they might have already believed in it. They may have already been questioning and finding it hard to trust established language, terms, meanings, ideas, concepts, and normative notions.

They may have experienced frustration and disappointment with academic texts after they realized their limitations, but they might also recognize the value of academic texts and writing because they are limited.

It makes sense though that a writer might be writing fiction stories that embody the movements, without realizing it himself. He loved these stories, even if "objectively," they were "bad." But he realized that he could not stop loving their style and what they meant to him. They were not just his, but they expressed something traditional narratives and styles could not. He then learned that his feelings and ideas were shared by thinkers in academia.


July 12, 06:02:49 – July 12, 06:13:30
Grounding Abstract Knowledge: Experience as the Foundation for Learning


You know what's interesting about my non-linear way of studying, which is actually effectively more linear, is that it involves picking up an academic text, finding even just one term whereof I have little content as to its usage and then decided whether or not to pause reading the book to read another book that goes into depth into the meaning of the word and its implications and uses. I do not just read via broad subjects, but through academic texts that explore the use of neologisms whereof I have little understanding beyond the dictionary or etymological definition.

It is like when we start off with this one word "forest," but we connect it overtime to numerous media that feature it. Then that word becomes meaningful because of that exposure. The same way, with neologisms, they are only a dictionary word to us on initial exposure; however, with intentional time, we can go ahead and look for its use in all kinds of academic texts and build up a stronger and stronger meaning over such a small simple term. Such a simple term like "forest" means so much because of exposure.

People may not realize it, but actually going into the place helps. If one's subject of study is related to a forest in Laos, going there actually helps, and it is not just something people say as an excuse to go on vacation, because first-hand experience with the place helps a lot of start. In fact, it might be better to have been exposed to it in one's formative years before encountering them in academic texts. It would establish a strong basis for identifying and going into depth when it comes to vast and rich ideas such as the term "forest" in the context of a country like Laos.

First-hand physical experience is always the best way to understand something incredibly vast, rich, and complex. Fiction books are only meaningful because we have frameworks by which to understand them. We can understand what the fiction books mean by "vast forest" because we have been exposed to them in media and in first-hand experiences. Media such as fiction stories and first-hand experiences are a crucial basis for academic texts, and that is why children are exposed to them from an early age before they are then exposed to academic viewpoints of such things starting with preschool all the way up to college and in the field if one is a researcher.

The only reason I can sit down in a room, study, and write all day everyday is because I have lived a vast, rich, very outgoing life full of so much diverse exposure in my formative years.

Words would look like nothing-burgers to me if I did not have what I had growing up.

While those who have never seen or experienced it would be content, I, having seen and experienced it myself, am more driven to be precise and comprehensive, because I have first-hand reference for comparison.



July 12, 06:21:15
A Soil Layer Analogy for Online Content Depth and Persistence


The trees and topsoil of Youtube Shorts changes much, as opposed to the subsoil that offers much neologisms and newer ideas but require the top soil's active nutrients to circulate effectively. The hardpan soil, a harder variant of subsoil, consists of the ingrained ideas that have yet to removed. They support subsoil and topsoil, but they do not necessarily preserve it, as even if the trees and topsoil are gone and the nutrients are washed away to a nearby river, the subsoil, including the hardpan soil, have little to do with the regrowth of a new forest, as they lack the nutrients to do so.


July 12, 06:29:58 – July 12, 06:32:53
Sci-Fi's Influence on an Appreciation for Geological Vastness


Sci-fi has really been one of the major reasons for my continued interest in everything related to the hard sciences, particular the natural world. The movements of the earth in geology have always pieced together a role in establishing that sense of looming vastness, richness, complexity, and cosmic largeness and scope often only accessible to NASA sattelites. I have seen numerous fictional portrayals of occasions of people going about their business, while the "tyrannical" movements burst forth, with tidal waves crashing against the beach and ocean dynamics flourishing like feathered doves cast upon a quietly hidden shore. It felt so beastly and timely ordained. I could see, feel, and immerse myself in this greatness, and it is the reason why this continued magnitude magnified through sattelite images remains in my purview of life.


July 12, 06:36:53 – July 12, 06:45:52
Analyzing Nostalgia: Heidi's Post-War Appeal vs. 21st Century Fantasy


There is a clear reason why Heidi was popular even in the 20th century, given that the consequences of war developed strong feelings of nostalgia for a time unscathed by tyrannical jurisdictions and advancements in a desolate cityscape that extended its territorial march up to the natural world, where all things that were known were defaced, especially with the looming risk of nuclear warfare.

I find interesting that the fantasy stories written today in the 21st story mirror those of Heidi, but it is not one of being an outsider with the paternal grandfather, but one with being part of a young bustling community with teenager ambitions.


July 12, 06:53:01
Interpreting Joker's "System" Line Through Critical Theory


I'm reminded now of the line "All of you... the system that knows so much... you decide what's right or wrong..." by the titular protagonist "Joker" from the 2019 film. It by itself can be perceived as just someone who hates the "system" and "the powers that be," but it can also be interpreted as critical theory.


July 12, 07:08:02 – July 12, 07:12:35
Idealism, Propaganda, and the Political Co-option of Ideas


There can be little distinction between state idealism and propaganda, and the difference may likely be in the intention, whether political, intellectual, or both.

Some might view German idealism as instrumental to the rise of ambitions that led to their desire to realize the Reich.

Idealism is a very particular facet, and not all societies engage in such idealisms that lend to political state idealism. German idealism in particular could be considered instrumental to newly empowered desires that have become confused dormant since the German Empire that began with the Unification of 1871. The same way Karl Marx's ideas were adapted by the October Revolution and the Chinese Communist Revolution, the same way Nazi Germany made use of German idealism to advance their agendas.

The later political applied interpretations of Karl Marx' ideas could be viewed similar to what happened with German idealism in later "incarnations".

Analogously, the continued neologistic use of the term "Western legacy" has been adapted much in political speeches, statements, and movements, including the January 6 United States Capitol attack.


July 12, 07:25:23
How Idealism Can Obscure Systemic Injustice: A Critique


The issue surrounding idealism is that it has appropriated to justify errors and injustices that are circulated systematically and culturally. When people focus too much on the idea of "hard work maketh right" like Forbes has done with billionaires, millionaires, and many "self-made" people, then the dominant naratives established only continue to proliferate and propagate ignorance and denial of the issues. It is saddening to see the clear lean when they are benefitted and instrumentalized by the current structures in place such that they find themselves genuinely believing in the Dream to the point of dismissing recent critical inquiry into what has been allowed and unaddressed for so long. When people have this vision of the world that makes little room for nuance and complexity and views struggle and failure as being the result of a lack of hard work within the already-established "greatness" idealized and believed to be reality, then it attenuates the efforts made by those seeking providence in critical theory.

The worst part is when the people who make these statements are clearly people of privilege based on their socioeconomic background, who have been led to believe in such a world and unexposed to the complexities and nuances of the world. Or maybe they have been secondhand exposed to them, but they have not developed critical thinking due to having been exposed only to traditional dominant narratives in their formative years, leading them to exclude all attempts at deconstruction.


July 12, 08:40:13
Querying the Recent History of Letters


I grew up in a time when letters were irrelevant. Any academic text that covers the history of letters

Oh, I mean recent 20th century history of letters. I've seen letters depicted in anime like "Violet Evergarden", and I've encountered letters myself in early years, but in an isolated non-cultural school environment.


July 12, 08:48:36
The Reviving Feeling of 'Librarial Openness'


I think the feelings of being one with a library forever for eternity is reviving in me. Writing has definitely made the idea of reading books much more feasible, as it openly addressed many issues central to the idea of lost knowledge and life, particular that of a life lived in seclusion and derivation, but little original insight and application. I now wonder about the potential of that mood, or thought derivation of hopefulness in that insight of 'librarial' openness, where only I am rejuvenated and revived within this enclosure upon which I am defined as a distinct, that of a 'Library-Open Piece'.


July 12, 09:42:01
A Critical View of the Victorian Era, Despite Steampunk Appeal


I would not have wanted to live in the Victorian Era. Sounds like a hell hole to me. The idea of wearing suits all day, getting sick with diseases, and all sorts of things that I have yet to compile into a long passage just bother me. I loved reading books growing up about steampunk fiction set in this time though; however, studying academic texts and reading history about this era has made my view much more critical.


July 12, 09:46:05
Anecdote: Mother Learning Piano in the 1980s


When my mother was 9 years old, she played piano by herself and how to play the theme song of the 1980 film "Somewhere in Time". It is interesting to realize that her life in the 1980s came around 100 years before the Victorian Era.


July 12, 10:00:22 – July 12, 10:05:41
Methodological Note: Synthesizing Past Journal Entries for Cohesion


One of the things that makes a diary or journal effective from what I've seen is redundancy in the sense that everything said before is summarized. So if I write 20 separate journal entries for 20 different topics, future journal entries should summarize them in a single entry. I guess it would not necessarily be redundancy but effective organization and structuring

If collections of disparate previous information are not collated, re-inteprerted, and summarized in future journal entries, then it is much harder to get an expanded view of the subject, because the wording is limited to when they were first and only mentioned. The repeated mentioning and summarization of collections of previous disparate information streamlines ideas as they are presented chronologically, but also such that a linear viewpoint can be achieved whether the journal is read from most recent to oldest or oldest to most recent.

It is analogous to authors citing previous authors' works relevant to the discourse of a particular topic. But in the above-stated case, it is the active synthesis of previous journal entries.

This is much less redundant; though I did characterize the use of synthesis as a form of "redundancy," though that characterization is not correct. It is effective and useful, but it can be initially perceived as repetitive and redundant given that distillation can seem that way.

It is like looking at a dense piece of text, surgically defining a particular network of connected dots within them, and extracting it in order to create new external networks that stand independently and can be understood cohesively. This is then again and again to the point of failure, maximizing and exploiting the original dense text through synthesis with other external ideas, extrapolation, and deconstruction.


July 12, 10:38:45 – July 12, 14:50:31
Embodied Experience, Vicarious Feelings, and Grounding Knowledge Through Documentation (Incl. Bank Drive Description)


It is interesting that when looking at particular champions in League of Legends, my brain immediately gets into it as if I was the one playing those champions, given that I have played the game for over a decade. But I also remember playing certain champions more than others, so my brain is more likely to "get into it," as if I was the one playing the game, even when I'm only watching League of Legends esports games with pro players playing. I can follow their movements vicariously as if I was the one playing it because of my extensive firsthand experience.

I can feel my muscle memory and my mental frameworks and patterns reconnecting and activating at the immediate sight of a particular champion, especially when viewing the game not as a broad battlefield, but as individual player movements. The feeling of vicarious I'm-the-one-killing-those-minions experience is interesting, and even without moving my body, my brain, just like a person experiencing flashbacks and memories from the past, acts as if I was doing it all with my entire body. It is similar to athletes in sports and how their brain can follow the sequence of steps even without actually doing it just based on sight alone.

When watching someone else play basketball growing up, it was natural to imagine myself doing those same moves and what it would feel like. Vicarious experience was common and fundamental to atheletics and sports, especially basketball where one has to make quick precise movements to do a layup shot. This was particularly more prominent in my experiences when I was a child and had yet to have a body capable of performing powerful jumps and leg work series of movements.

I would not vicariously understand fight scenes in fantasy action stories involving swords if it was not for my firsthand experiences with walking, runinng, and playing with sticks and other playful weapons growing up. Engaging in many sports and other outside experiences developed this imagery around physical movement that led to a more precise recognition and vicarious imagery in response to reading fantasy action scenes.

The fact that I often liked to dance and play around with my weapons developed my muscle memory and explored various mechanics which my body would not learn if it was limited only to a man sitting down on a chair. The life that I now live as one who sits down all day everyday writing is one that would not be impossible if my brain had not undergone the outgoing character of my childhood and teenage experiences, which refined my ability to derive connections by piecing together immediate imagery and diving deep into the nuances already imprinted within my head. It was not my written words that provided me life firstly, but it was my firsthand experiences with the natural world, my social experiences, and with connecting with media through consumption.

In fact, I am currently writing an autobiography-journal and have already around 1 million words long. My goal is to talk about every experience that I have ever had, in order to provide concrete grounded evidence of everything that I encounter in academic texts. This will provide material basis for everything that is represented through words. By writing an autobiography-journal, I will create not only a memory palace with synthesized and systematically ordered external representations, but also a refinement of all those memories altogether. These representations lead to networks of reality which have been refined during the pre-discovery stage, that of searching for the knowledge and connecting-conneciton in the process of identifying them and writing them down. Simply, it was the fact that I went through the effort of finding them within my long-term memories with the aid of real-life cues, identifying them, and putting them altogether in writing that makes this not just a memory palace, but also a refinement of each individual memory. Ultimately, my goal is to confirm everything starting from my own memories and life knowledge, viewpoints, and experiences throughout the years. This provides an empirical basis moving forward, as opposed to accepting things merely by their 'word form' (a priori).

I mean not just young men on the streets, but since it's image identification, it associates certain clothes, heights, body proportions, skin colors, hair styles, hair colors, held items, and all these details that people who were born and raised can almost immediately identify. An AI with an image data set can identify that, but then when you ask them how they did so, they say things like cultural markers and jeepneys, which are actually not in the picture.

Clever Hans and the guy who placed his right hand to scratch the right side of his head and got flagged for taking a phone call while driving are relevant examples here.

The hand gesture of phone calling and raising one's hand to scratch the top right side of one's head can look very similar to an image data set.

[REDACTED]


July 12, 15:11:36
Reflection on Reacting to Edgy Humor (SovietWomble Example)


I remember being so un-edgy that I could not even laugh to a video of SovietWomble making edgy jokes. It is not that I could not laugh to dark jokes, but there was a particular kind of dark joke that felt like a chore to listen to.


July 12, 15:14:24 – July 12, 15:16:53
The Literary Photographer: Restating the Goal of Comprehensive Autobiographical Documentation


This following passage represents my goal to document my entire life through the autobiography to the point of documenting my entire environment around me.

'The overhead sun cast short shadows on the grey asphalt of Bank Drive. A sign bearing the street name stood beside a pedestrian overpass that stretched across the road, its corrugated metal roof reflecting the bright light. The overpass, supported by metal beams and concrete pillars, offered a route above the steady stream of cars below. A white Toyota sedan stood waiting, behind it a blue Subaru SUV. On the right side of the road, a motorcycle was parked by the sidewalk. Concrete poles holding a network of electrical wires lined the street.

Tall buildings, predominantly constructed with glass and steel, rose in the near distance, their modern architecture indicative of a bustling city center. A building on the left displayed a mismatched collection of business signs – "Greatest Bibles," "HKTV," and "Generic Drug," hinting at the diversity of services available within.

Eight pedestrians, mostly walking alone, could be seen at varying points along the sidewalks. Some were in motion, while others appeared to be waiting to cross the street. A lone cyclist, passing by the pedestrians, pedaled along the right-hand lane of the road.'

I want to be the literary photographer, who goes around and takes highly precise and comprehensive "pictures" of everything. It is more than just details like these, as I will go into depth when it comes to my entire life. My autobiography-journal will serve as the empirical basis of everything that I learn moving foward, and that is why I am pouring all my efforts into it. It is not just about being a literary photographer. It is about documenting everything that I know. This is why I'm already around one million words in my autobiography-journal.


July 15, 07:49:20
Challenging A Priori Assumptions: Analyzing Writing Output vs. Session Length


The longer I write, the more I think I do not write. A priori would tell me that it would be reasonable to assume that because I was writing in shorter times, then that must mean that my average word count per day (AWCD) is fewer. However, I realized based on a posteriori by gathering evidence using a program that counted every word that my AWCD was still much higher than I expected. Just because I was writing in shorter times did not mean that my AWCD became fewer. I conclude that I may write in shorter times, but I may actually be writing more words quicker, which appears as if I am writing fewer words because I get my thoughts across in shorter times.

It concerns me that this same sequence of an a priori mistake and the subsequent empirical discovery occured more than once. This means that a priori by itself is not reliable, given that humans can be skewed by numerous illusions, especially that of time.

However, my a priori assumption was necessarily wrong; however, I was working with incomplete information. It is like being a master at math with all the wrong data.

I mean think about it.  

S: Writing sessions are shorter.
W: Word counts are fewer.

S→W

It makes sense, but we are not given information as to the speed of the writer and history of writing speed changes. We also do not know if they have been improving quite recently very quickly.


July 15, 07:50:08
Grammar Query: "Much" with "Backlog"


when referring to backlog, is "much" the right word?

it is much because backlog is uncountable no?

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]


July 15, 07:52:15
Wrestling with the Discomfort of Criticism vs. the Necessity of Addressing Issues


I hate critiquing things. I hate it a lot. I hate saying that something is bad or wrong. I still have that ingrained feelings of just sitting down, obeying, and trusting authority like when I was a child again being a part of a large community. I believed, and I obeyed, and I trusted. That was beautiful, because I got to be a part of so much fun. But I know that things are not that simple. I had to be ignorant of a lot of things to have fun, but all those experiences were crucial for learning and growth. I am happy that I've reached this point however, and now that I'm addressing things, that also means that I have to say no and say that something is just not something I can endorse and tolerate without writing about it in detail as to its faults and flaws.

I do not want to be that guy who's "angry with the world". I understand the need to criticize and address issues like abuse, sexual blackmail, racism, and systematic injustice. But I wish the world was not so wrong that I had to criticize it. I wish the world was perfect, so we could all have fun together.

But I guess it's maturity to address issues, especially in a systematic dispassioned way, but not necessarily robotically or callously.

Why am I so awesome? The shyness and humility that I've developed growing up is still within me, and they still are essential for my writing, because if I spoke in absolutes, my life would be much more tiring, exhausting, and depressing, given that an absolute mindset does not make room for nuance and complexity, making it very challenging to cope.

It's awesome to have that same feeling that I had when I was younger. That feeling of just sitting down, being a child, and not wanting to do anything bad except help people is still inside me, and writing my autobiography-journal is only making that much, much easier.
I guess that is why I said that I hated saying that things were bad or wrong. There was a time that I truly believed and was so hopeful that things would work out. But in the process, I learned much time and time again. I remember so many distinct moments of my life. I remember the pain and the suffering and those very impactful awesome moments that could be said to change my life and broader my understanding and viewpoint of the world. Even now, I want to go outside, hang out at a distant cafe, and then write about everything. I have all of this power that I did not have growing up.


July 15, 07:52:35
Query: The Study of Urban Infrastructure Elements


what is the study of everything in a highly urbanized business district?

I mean stuff like bridges, fences, trees, and all kinds of the stones and how they're laid out and the cement, ect.


July 15, 07:55:08
Word Query: To Uproot or Upend (Conceptually)


word for to turn upside-down to uproot

in the sense of a new  idea uprooting or upending eveything before


July 15, 07:55:39
Word Query: Accumulated; To Dive Deep


word for built-up or accumulated over the course of a project

word for dive as in to go deep into a project 


July 15, 07:56:03
Word Query: Incidental (Adverb); Prerequisite (Adjective/Noun)


adverb to mean side as in something happening minor or unintende

word for necessary as in which creates the conditions ripe for somehting


July 15, 07:57:08
Request: Analyze Writing Style of Passage on Dreams and Cognition


analyze writing style of this passage:
'I've had lots of dreams again, and they have reminded me just how engrossed and absorbed I can get when delving into reality and studying academic texts and trying to refine my methodology for documentation. They remind me by offering a new contrasting perspective that seeks to overturn everything, breaking the presumptions built up over the course of the previous day by revitalizing my mind, freeing it from the cumulative weaknesses which were incidentally effected as part of the scaffolding prerequitsite to cognitive immersion into the tasks and focuses demanded by a day and which attenuated my logic and broader perspective.'


July 15, 07:57:34
Feeling Alienated by Intense Intellectual Pursuits Amidst Cultural Norms


I love the fact that I can sometimes feel weird about this position I'm in. If I'm studying academic texts everyday and writing down all my reflections, amounting to around 7,800 words per day as of recent, then should I not feel good about that? I mean, I do feel good, but it is weird that I grew up in a world where intellectual activities are not appreciated. In fact, part of me feels that I'm no different from a loser with no life who stays inside all day and does nothing but play video games to them, even if my focus is much more intellectual.

Part of me gets the feeling that people perceive actual visible labor that makes one look both like a celebrity and an established successful independent mature hardworker.

It is weird no? I mean, given the right background, circumstances, and support structures, I would have been supported in my academic journey; however, I realize now that because I was not born in that background, I have to find inherent fulfillment from myself when it comes to studying academic texts. No one would ever want to study academic texts on their own unless it was for a job, and I am one of those relatively smaller group of people who spend all day everyday studying and writing their reflections. 

But it also makes me wonder how many people do not know the things that I know now. I do not think the things that I know are particularly that crazy, and I have yet to reach the point where I can study and address everything. It makes me realize just how uninitiated the average person is, given that it would take them to have a lifestyle that amounts to them basically just studying and writing their reflections everyday all day to reach my level of "basic" understanding.


July 15, 07:57:59
Documenting Early 2010s Roblox Friends and Planning a Nostalgic Story


Here are the descriptions of each Roblox user based on their avatars and usernames:

**Row 1**

* **traucer99:**  Likely enjoys racing games or anything fast-paced. Their avatar suggests a straightforward and potentially competitive personality. 
* **fattie:**  Humorous and self-deprecating, this user is likely lighthearted and enjoys a good laugh.
* **calebbruce1:** Probably a fan of anime or stylized avatars.  Might be drawn to roleplaying or expressive games. 

**Row 2**

* **TheFox15:** Patriotic and possibly competitive (based on the American flag helmet). Enjoys games with strong team dynamics.
* **TeamFortress45099:**  A big Team Fortress 2 fan! Dedicated to the game and probably enjoys team-based shooters.
* **christianaluy:**  Likes a clean, classic Roblox look. Might enjoy building or socializing within the platform.

**Row 3**

* **dogcrate:**  An animal lover or possibly a fan of ironic humor.  Enjoys a simple and funny avatar.
* **dragonmale99:**  Likely enjoys fantasy settings and roleplaying games. May be interested in dragons and mythical creatures.
* **TheKJWlNNERS:**  Competitive and driven to succeed in games. The mask suggests a mysterious or intimidating persona.

**Row 4** 

* **TotemTommyCool55:** Likely a younger player who enjoys bright colors and fun items. The "Cool" in the name suggests a desire to be seen as cool by others.
* **Tube:** Prefers a minimalist aesthetic. Might enjoy experimental or abstract games.
* **rhx:**  Enjoys a classic Roblox look with a touch of ruggedness (axe). Could be drawn to building or adventure games. 

**Row 5**

* **RossG:** Stylish and cool, this user wants to stand out. Enjoys a sense of individuality within the platform.
* **DanielTix:** A fan of more realistic avatar styles. Enjoys casual games and socializing.
* **taliferb2:** Values anonymity and mystery.  Might enjoy stealth-based games or roleplaying as an enigmatic character.

**Row 6** 

* **hiwhatupman:** The default avatar suggests a new player or someone who prefers to stay under the radar.  
* **Samuel6yr:**  Possibly a younger player who enjoys a friendly and approachable look.
* **XxDiegops2xX:** Enjoys a cool and edgy aesthetic.  Might be drawn to competitive games or roleplaying as a skilled character. 

To be honest, these are friends I've made over the years on Roblox; though it is likely that most of them were like a single playing session acquaintanceship. But I still want to document their existence. This is why I'm going to write down a story about each of them, and I hope to make sure that this story gets somehwere. This way, I can move on from this time of my life, even if I have forgotten why I know these people.

To be honest, I could write down an web novel that involves messaging between me and these people and going on online Roblox adventurers using older games that I played back in the early 2010s as inspiration. I could write it with generic story and dialogue or I could impose upon it with my own current ideas and perceptions of the world. It is not going to be that difficult to write, given that there are resources available online. It is just that it would take a lot of patience, mainly because of the fact that this is nostalgic and can be challenging, even if I've already spent the last months being exposing myself to older Roblox.

Like I said, theoretically, it is not that difficult. I have so much experience with writing fiction novels and writing non-fiction. Plus, I've already written around 1,000,000 words for my autobiography-journal and at least 350,000 words in total for fiction.

But it is the fact that it is personal to me that makes it challenging. I'm not necessarily exploring a new technique. I'm diving into something that I know very well, yet I also have no clue about at all. It is like hearing a word said so many times, but never having read the word. It is like hearing someone's name so many times, but never having read it.

It will take my entire soul to do, and I know that. It is probably going to be meaningless for everyone else, given that it is almost like writing historical fiction. However, it is historical fiction that has barely much documents about it, only resources disparately available online, with little retrospective documentation of the early 2010s as of the moment. It has only been a little over a decade, so it will take time for people like me to look back and think about the early 2010s much more. That is what the fiction story is about. The same way LitRPG is memories from writers who have experienced the early 2000s in RPG gaming, the same way I want to write down and begin exploring the early 2010s as a pioneer, whether in fiction or non-fiction documentation.


July 15, 07:59:43
Data Point: Roblox YouTube Video Playlist Counts by Year (2006-2024)


Roblox Youtube videos that I added to my playlists. I have a playlist for each Roblox year. These playlists provide the resources necessary to delve into the past.


Year: number of videos
2024: 7
2023: 1
2022: 3
2021: 1
2020: 4
2019: 4
2018 6
2017: 12
2016: 25
2015: 24
2014: 82
2013: 287
2012: 321
2011: 382
2010: 77
2009: 28
2008: 55
2007: 34
2006: 1

1354 in total



July 15, 08:00:32
Generational Disconnect, Personal Change, and the Quest to Reclaim a Lost Vision


I find it strange that I find myself going to blogs made by people more than 5 years younger than me. I guess their energy reminds me of my younger self when I still had yet to become encumbered by the challenges I now undergo. It is not that my younger self did not experience challenges, but because I now am much more aware and have addressed issues much more, that also means that the energy that I used to have growing up is absent. I do not find myself writing fiction stories just for the sake of it, because I now have broader goals with my one-million-word autobiography-journal and everything else that I've learned and set out to accomplish in terms of addressing everything, that means that I cannot just sit down and immerse myself like a child or teenager would do. I always find myself returning to seriousness, and I cannot pretend for too long. Everything that I do always counts up toward something, as if I am now much more intentional about everything in a wide-sweeping way, as opposed to sitting down like an ignorant child and just writing down about a particular thing. I mean, if I think about it, the autobiography-journal is a particular thing, but at the same time, it is also very wide-sweeping. It covers so much, and it is hard to sit down and pretend that I live life without everything that I now have taken the time to address and learn. It is weird, because just 8 years ago, I was just like these young people whose blogs and videos I watch. But so much has changed that I am starting to relate less and less with the simplicity of being much younger. I thought the Internet had changed, but I have changed as well, such that I am drawn to things that match who I am today, which can feel as if the Internet has changed forever. However, there are still younger people who carry that same vibe I had growing up. So that means it is my own fault that the Internet feels like that. The content and things with which I engage and which I consume are vastly different from what my past self would do. It makes sense that there are younger people who are still like my past self, even in this changing world. It only means that my perception and awareness has changed.

It is weird. 8 years ago, I was just like them, and I can still remember well how I saw the world. But now I'm looking at people that remind me of my younger self. That does not make sense, yet it does. It was just yesterday that I was still a younger boy. But now, I see all of these younger people that were my age at one point. I call them "younger people" for a reason. There is a clear gradual change, and I can see it myself. I still remember when the children that were younger than me and how they behaved, and now I see them as these giant teenagers. Of course, I'll call them younger than me, because they were younger than me even back then. But it is weird to realize that they're at the age that I used to be. It is strange and unsettling.

I mean, of course, I've grown. But the last five years were great. They helped me, improved me, and made it much, much easier for me to express myself because I learned much during the last five years. But then... I did not just learn a lot. I changed. I changed, and I find myself estranged and alienated by things that I enjoyed in the past, realizing that despite my intention to "go away for a bit" and just learn a little, I ended up spending 5 years. And it was not just 5 years. In the past, I would talk about the next 10 years and such, but I did not really think that everything would change. I mean, of course I knew, but I did not at the same time. It was just supposed to be improving myself, chasing after goals, and accomplishing them for the sake of a much more fulfilling life of adventure and curiosity. However, I realize that so much has changed even if I intended only to learn a lot but not change at all. I was supposed to keep playing video games, keep enjoying those stories, and do the same things, while also having much, much knowledge. My autobiography-journal is my attempt to address everything. This way, I can remember, reflect, and return to what it felt like growing up. This way, I do not have to abandon everything, because I did not expect to change so much. Yet I wanted to improve myself. It's just that so much has changed, even if I just wanted to go away for a bit and learn.

It was just supposed to be one of those fantasy stories where the adventurers where they just go on a trip and then leave for a while. Or maybe the feeling of being a part of a large city and just feeling this awesome feeling of community, society, and social fun. I think there was this community feel. It was supposed to be this awesome place that stood by itself and was powerful and would remain for a long time. It was supposed to be this awesome place where people hanged out and had fun. It was supposed to consist of development, changes, expansion, and all kinds of everyday things and chores. It was supposed to be this forest village–like atmosphere where things were going along, life was moving, nature was being distributed nicely, and the world was at peace with only the focus of trying to work together with different communities. It was this ideal world of adventure, society, country, fun, togetherness, and long-lasting tradition. I did not expect everything to disappear.

I was supposed to be part of this big thing, and everything was this long-lasting thing that would last thousands of years. I had this belief that we were part of something bigger than ourselves, and that it would not just disappear off the bat. I had this vision of this world that I lived in and saw all of this beauty, wonder, awe, and nature. I saw so much, and traveling was socializing and full of social fun and connection with broader society. It was adventurous and curious. It was about bringing together a group of remarkable people. It was like just hanging out and seeing how things went. I think I saw this world that juts made sense. I remember imagining it like nature. I saw the feelings that I felt exploring, learning, and growing, being interested in writing, coding, and adventuring outside and traveling. I was excited to go to high school because I thought I would finally be a part of an extension of this big world. It was this new experience. I had this vision of the world. I wanted my siblings to be a part of it, and I would frequently play with them and inspire them by expressing this creative and adventurous spirit that was reinforced by traveling and awesome social experiences. I learned so much, and I lived so much. I saw the vastness and richness of the world around me, whether it was urban or rural, and saw so much beauty.

The world has not changed, but I think I have...

It is gone. I lost this vision of the world, and trauma and life events played huge roles. I wish I could feel all of that again and see what I saw when I was younger. It is only recently that I have been beginning to see as I saw the world when I was younger. I am remembering my vision and my eyesight. I have become blind I feel to the chaos and depressing aspects of the world, having been exposed to so much loss and distance. I lost this viewpoint of the world, and I want it back.

I wish I could see the world in such a way again.

This vision that I had of the world extended toward everything, including platforms like Wattpad. I used to see it with such a vastness and belief. I could see it so clearly back then.

But I think rather than becoming more realistic, I have become blind in "one eye", the eye of that vision I once had.

I started writing the autobiography-journal when my mind was already in that state of mind that had lost much. However, I do have fiction passages I wrote from 2020 that demonstrate that vision somewhat. Though it is limited, and I've already been affected by the life events that occured from 2017 to 2019. My writings in 2016 were not that good yet, so despite my vast and rich life, I could not express it in words. However, my present self, who has become 'half-blind', has learned how to become more precise and comprehensive with my writing and documentation. It is sad that I only became a much more effective writer when I had already mostly lost that vision already due to life events.

The only thing I could do is reflect upon the past and remember what I felt, writing down as many words as I can about the past through my autobiography-journal. It will start off with a systematic approach, and it will continue in this manner. However, as time pass and I get more comfortable with confronting the past, I will likely become much more connected with the world as it was throughout my life, which includes the eye that was not blind in those previous times. This is the most direct way to regain the vision, by remembering times when that vision was still present.


July 15, 08:01:58
Story Idea: When a Close Friend Becomes a Monster


I've decided to write a story or stories that involve a group of friends who behave just like any close friend group. I will take inspiration from actual videos of me and my siblings and videos of other siblings and friends. I will also use online Roblox dialogue from videos from the early 2010s for inspiration as to how people talk online. I can also use chat dialogue in older League of Legends game footage. The goal is to have a group of friends who are very close, but one day, as the story goes on, one of them loses their way and becomes a monster. We can have this set in modern day, or we can have this set in fantasy. It will not be challenging to write it, given that I've already written much character development. More than just character development, I know how to write a character who has lost it and become a monster. Writing the peaceful fun dialogue will also not be that difficult, given I have the resources in hand already and my own past personal experiences for reference.

I have seen stories of notorious political leaders starting off having a good childhood with awesome friends and community. So I want to capture this given that it is a real thing that can happen. The idea of one of your closest childhood friends becoming a mass murderer or a notorious political leader or a monster.

It will be from the perspective of the friends watching their friend become this monster. Just like Hitler's sister was surprised to see that the brother she knew him to be became this monster.


July 15, 08:02:39
Querying the Normalcy and Benefit of Daytime Lie-Down Breaks


Why do I feel the need to lie down in the afternoon or during the day from time to time? As in as a break? 

Not sleep, but just letting my body lie down, whether on my belly or on my back.

It feels like evry time I do it, itt is to adfress muscle fatigue and ache from sitting down all day everyday. The regular during-the-say lie-down breaks seem to address that. 

    find myself maximizing and altering my lying position get the maxixum 'cleansing' or relief. It feels necessary
    
    Is this normal? Regular during-the-day lie-down breaks in response to sitting down and writing all day everyday? 
    
    I have been doing this for the longest time, but I'm only questioning it now, as I have always seen my decision to lie down as being a weakness.
    

July 15, 08:03:22
Integrating Images into Scripting: Justifying Outlines via Storyboarding

    
    I am starting to think that I might start considering making a script that includes images, like a storyboard, but since this will be real life, I will just take pictures that act as those draft images showing what I would be doing in this part of the video and the script. I can do this easily with markdown as a way to show this process overtime.
    
    This way, I can go into depth when it comes to the script while making sure I know exactly what it will look like before I start editing the video, as editing can take too much of my computer that I need to know exactly every resource that I need and how the video will look like from start to finish with a finished script before I begin editing and recording lines.
    
    For example, let's say that I want to record a video of myself walking down a street; then I should consider how that will look like within a draft script. Rather than going to the street myself, I can record myself and drawing the outline of what the street should look like. If I do not know what the street will look like, then I can go to Google Maps.
    
Another example could be in the following case. If I do not need to record outside, then I can consider looking through stock photos and videos online and consider how I can combine all of these to make a good script. Rather than starting with the script and storyboarding, I already have the visuals prepared, and it is all a matter of writing a script that matches the visuals. This will be the storyboard.

It is crazy that all of these things that I'm saying are pretty basic knowledge for film makers, but because I have never been exposed to standard film making, I have to find these out on my own. Even if I read academic texts on film making, it is different when one finds a way to make sense of it within one's content.

I realize now why people outline their stories. If people storyboard their movies, I do not see why people should not be allowed to outline their stories. I've always had this organic view of the world. I might have liked the idea of editing videos, but it was not always that way. I was fine with recording videos rather than spending much of my time practicing editing. I did have edited videos when I was younger, but they were highlights rather than the more modern video essays one sees frequently nowadays on Youtube. It is not that I did not try to outline my stories or believed in an absolutely organic way of living life. But I found that to be the most intuitive way to go about life. It was only recently that a systematic approach became an aspect of my life through the autobiography-journal with its expectations of handling much unstructured data. Once it became a necessity to manage all of that, it was natural to seek structure, organization, and systematicness. However, when it comes to recording videos, while I did make edited videos recently, I still believed that writing could only be best achieved if the story was written without attempting too much to put it down on paper, because honestly, for me, it felt like I was turning what was effectively the spoken immersive word into something that felt stiff and relentlessly solemn. However, that perception has broken down with time, as I see the grounds behind a more formal and systematic way of life, recognizing the benefits of such while also retaining my desire for an organic manner of expression. In essence, it was a balance.

But the idea of storyboarding animations and videos never appeared the same to me as outlining in the case of writing until only now.

The reason this came into realization was just now when I was looking at the new "jpegli" of Google, which was intended to be an improved version of JPEG. In any case, it came to me the notion of "Why don't I just take pictures and use them all the time as part of my writing?" Then that extended to the idea of images and text for communication. I thought about what an article with the regular use of images and text would look like, and I remembered this one blog that did just that. I realized that it works and can work effectively to communicate complex visual ideas that words alone can become too complex in illustrating precisely. Then this led me to think about videos and storyboarding, both of which I could now see with a stronger and more favorable vision. Then it finally led me to the use of outlining in writing, whether it be in scripts or novels. I reasoned that given that I was fine with storyboarding, scripts, and the regular use of images along with text as part of an article, I needed a good reason to disagree still with the use of outlining in writing.


July 15, 08:04:16
Request: Synthesize Preceding Ideas into a Story or Analysis


these are a bunch of mixed ideas, I'm thinking of synthesizing them together into some kind of story, document, or analysis, maybe a story first:
'Resident 1: "Dude, do you know what's behind that iron door?"

Resident 2: "I don't know. Steve told us to stay away."

***

"Mom, why can't we leave?"

"I... I don't know honey. Just don't think about it too much."

***

I'm planning a story inspired by real-life videos of siblings and friends, as well as online interactions from early 2010s Roblox and League of Legends. It will focus on a tight-knit group of friends where one gradually becomes a "monster", set either in modern times or a fantasy world. Drawing from my experience in character development, I aim to portray the transformation convincingly, exploring how ordinary friendships can lead to unexpected outcomes, similar to real-life instances where someone close becomes notorious. The narrative will unfold through the eyes of the remaining friends, mirroring the shock and disbelief of witnessing this evolution.

***

* **traucer99:**  Likely enjoys racing games or anything fast-paced. Their avatar suggests a straightforward and potentially competitive personality. 
* **fattie:**  Humorous and self-deprecating, this user is likely lighthearted and enjoys a good laugh.
* **calebbruce1:** Probably a fan of anime or stylized avatars.  Might be drawn to roleplaying or expressive games. 
* **TheFox15:** Patriotic and possibly competitive (based on the American flag helmet). Enjoys games with strong team dynamics.
* **TeamFortress45099:**  A big Team Fortress 2 fan! Dedicated to the game and probably enjoys team-based shooters.
* **christianaluy:**  Likes a clean, classic Roblox look. Might enjoy building or socializing within the platform.
* **dogcrate:**  An animal lover or possibly a fan of ironic humor.  Enjoys a simple and funny avatar.
* **dragonmale99:**  Likely enjoys fantasy settings and roleplaying games. May be interested in dragons and mythical creatures.
* **TheKJWlNNERS:**  Competitive and driven to succeed in games. The mask suggests a mysterious or intimidating persona.
* **TotemTommyCool55:** Likely a younger player who enjoys bright colors and fun items. The "Cool" in the name suggests a desire to be seen as cool by others.
* **Tube:** Prefers a minimalist aesthetic. Might enjoy experimental or abstract games.
* **rhx:**  Enjoys a classic Roblox look with a touch of ruggedness (axe). Could be drawn to building or adventure games. 
* **RossG:** Stylish and cool, this user wants to stand out. Enjoys a sense of individuality within the platform.
* **DanielTix:** A fan of more realistic avatar styles. Enjoys casual games and socializing.
* **taliferb2:** Values anonymity and mystery.  Might enjoy stealth-based games or roleplaying as an enigmatic character.
* **hiwhatupman:** The default avatar suggests a new player or someone who prefers to stay under the radar.  
* **Samuel6yr:**  Possibly a younger player who enjoys a friendly and approachable look.
* **XxDiegops2xX:** Enjoys a cool and edgy aesthetic.  Might be drawn to competitive games or roleplaying as a skilled character. '


July 15, 08:04:23
Music Creation as a Cognitive Organizer


I do not know how to describe it, but I have never said this in my one-million-word autobiography-journal. Music organizes my brain. When I feel confused and a little like there's too many things that I have not considered in my attempted syntheses and analyses, I sometimes find msyelf using music as a way to define things, even if I do not necessarily explicitly do anything that equates to improved synthesis. I think making music on the spot with singing and guitar as an accompaniment sorts out cognitive fog in a way that relies upon fine musscle use and hte expertise required to create complex melodies and experiment with mulit-various ways of making sounds within complex rhythms.


July 15, 08:04:29
The Choice of Discomfort: Prioritizing Long-Term Addressal Over Immediate Happiness


I can't even say anything anymore. At this point, one will see me addressing so many things and, then, all of a sudden, I'll just ignore writing down crucial things. It is like I cannot handle everything all at once I guess.

It goes the same for my happiness. I can easily just be happy any time I want, and it is very easy to do that. But I choose to be sad and to work hard for things even if it leaves me feeling directionless somewhat. I choose to concern myself with things that make me sad.

I feel that I can so easily make myself happy or sad whenever I want. It is as if my very quality of life rests upon my choice. I am not referring to my physical health. I am referring to what I particularly choose to feel at a particular time depending on current objectives, focuses, and projects. They will sometimes require me to confront things that can make one forget the happiness of other things if it means I can devote much focus. However, there are times where I can allow myself to have fun and enjoy life. It is not that hard to be happy. It is not that hard to be sad.

I can easily be happy any time, but I choose not to for a reason. I know that I will always be holding something back, because there will be things that I need to address. It is not enough for me to live life burdened by issues left unaddressed. That is why I have to confront the issues even if it means feeling uncomfortable, because in the long run, I will be happier for it. It is satisfying to suffer for a greater purpose, a long-term one.

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]


July 15, 08:05:42
Combating Recency Bias by Viewing Life in Objective Time Spans


Honestly, see, I told you. I'm just saying that as if you know everything that I've written since July 4, 2023.

But seriously, the feeling of taking a shower after a day of not showering made me realize that spending five years inside at home to study and write all day everyday is just as enlightening as a continuous mountain trek, because they're both uncomfortable enough to get someone out of the groove. 

The discomfort of going out on a continuous mountain trek and spending five years studying and writing inside at home all day everyday can both mirror the sense of being removed and put into a place of continuous effort. This span of five years is an effective 'removal', given that it is a moment of concentrated effort just like a mountain trek is. Five years is a very long time though, but imagining it as a long mountain trek makes it easier to recognize why people change. A single mountain trek can expand someone's perspective of the world. This goes the same for spending five years studyinng and writing inside at home all day everyday. It is like if someone was thrown into the wild for a while. That is what those five years is like. There is much growth there, and streamlining one's perspective of each five years of their life like this can allow for a less recency-biased viewpoint. People often forget that the past five years can be compared to the sense of removal and discomfort of going on a mountain trek or the discomfort of not taking a shower for a day and then finally taking a shower.

Sometimes, people forget that the past five years is just that—a span of five years. This makes it challenging for them to view the past five years without being burdened by all the complexity. Their struggle to view it in a streamlined way reflects recency bias and a weak wide-angle perspective. Seeing the past five years as if with an economical approach that respects each span of five years can contribute to a stronger understanding of decision-making and how development is procured over a choice decision or project that lasts days, weeks, months, and years. Dissecting details is crucial; however, if one is unable to let go of the details to recognize the broader picture, they lose much in the process and are unable to see past the recent moment.

We often create these separations between the far-gone past and the present, and that binary view of one's life is very inefficient and can contribute more readily to bias.

If one views one's life is non-discriminatory spans of time, like one's entire life separated into five-year spans, this reflects a much more systematic approach.

For example, 2011 to 2015 is the span of 5 years, but in my own head, it sometimes loses sight of the realization that the span of 5 years of 2011 to 2015 is the same as the span of five years of 2020 to 2024. We get carried away by this idea of the far-gone past as an antithesis to the present that we lose sight of the complexities and nuances of the past, not as a monolith or silo, but as this objective spans of time.

The more that I stop being surprised that so many things happened in 2011 to 2015, the more I become a lot more informed. I need to forget that there is no such thing as a life where nothing happens. There are no spans of time where nothing happens. I cannot view 2020 to 2024 as a very short amount of time and the past as this identifiable, impossible-to-quantify-and-assess-empirically, and amorphous essence.

I need to stop falling in love with the idea of this amorphous thing, and I need to break it down into empirical objective quantifiable assessable identifable distinct, complex and nuanced elements. There is much to gain by letting go of non-definition and finding ways to piece things together. This happens through the autobiography-journal; however, it is also something that is experienced everyday when doing anything. We use what we have previously learned and turned into instinct, and that becomes the guiding lamp of our heuristics, patterns of thought and ideation, and muscle memory.


July 15, 08:05:48
Observation: Temporary, Painless Eye Redness


Sometimes, I find my eyes red, and it is not due to sleep deprivation or rubbing my eyes. They also do not feel itchy; however, my eyes have felt a little dry here and then, which was easily solved by yawning and drinking water.

But it is interesting, no? Even if there is no pain or dryness, the redness remains temporarily.

I neglected to mention that taking a shower can sometimes cause reddening of my eyes, and it is not as if I let my eyes get wet in the shower. I do not put soap or anything in my eyes, and I close my eyes when facing the shower. For context, the water is cold, and the water is not typically encouraged for drinking.

However, in the case of showing, even if they may appear red temporarily, they do not feel itchy or irritated.


July 15, 08:06:47
Analyzing a Text Snippet for Writer's Age and Tone


'I just woke up from deep slumber. I've been here just writing and studying with little inbetween, with those that I do that isn't writing and studying being stuff that usually are just there to help me write more. But no, that isn't quite true. I've been doing a lot of other things as well that help a lot.

It was fun today, and it has been great doing all of this given that, well, if I don't do it, things will suck a lot. But more than that, everything is being revealed. 😂 Yeah, no. I am just going about stuff and now addressing things I never addressed in my own writings. You can see why that's 'fun'. No, no, it really is.

Anyway, that is the main gist of it. Thought I'd vent just a little, or whatever this is. Nah, more like a happy praise.'

This guy reads like a 30-year-old.

The way this person talks reminds me of someone in their thirties. Yet while they do not talk about school, they talk about studying. So maybe they're in their early twenties and like to write, which makes their writing seem more mature. It is also a very millenial texting humor. Or maybe I'm showing bias based on my personal experiences growing up exposed only to millenials who were older than me. It might be more a matter of age than generation, but Gen Z does talk very differently.


July 15, 08:07:14
Query: Recalling a 3D Spaceship Bounty Hunter Game


there was this one game that I remember playing. It was a spaceship-flying game where it was 3D and the pilot is a bounty hunter or something. 


July 15, 08:07:21
Rejecting Conformity: Self-Acceptance, Internet Critique, and Verification Through Writing


I have long tried to care, but soon realizing that it barely matters. For the most part, people are left to their own cultures, devices, things, ideas, and lives. People are too different from each other for people to want to be being a part of the whole, feeling pressured, and conforming. We live in a eclectic world, so it's okay to play older games like Freelancer (2003). It's okay to write in particular writing styles that do not match how people write. It is okay to be a lot more experimental and on-one's-terms type. It is okay to live outside the trends and be confused about them, not really wanting to compromise one's personal preferences and interests just to fit in with broader society as it goes on. There are just too much in one's personal life that is unique and special, that life cannot be so streamlined to the trends without a loss of nuance and complexity. Because of this, it is much better to play older versions of Minecraft or try to think in terms of older Roblox if this is how someone prefers to live and finds themselves most validated by. This is a tough big world, and anyone that tries to avoid the pluralist quality of it is in for a big disappointment. We are all gathered here, but we are all different, not the same. This is the beautiful world we live in. Now, whatever is there, do not mind it. Just focus on what's in front of you, looking only at things that are truly yours.

To be honest, I barely give a shit at this point, always finding myself disappointment whenever I attempt to connect to broader society. It is like staring at myself walking down that path into a brick wall. It isn't pleasant looking back and seeing all my attempts and failures at conforming, which were followed again and again by reinforcement of this small, but nascent sprout of realization that all of this was futile and self-eliminating.

I have abandoned and streamlined so much of myself at the cost of my nuances and complexities, like a man throwing away all his favorite things, joys, and past just so he can be a non-descript part and play a non-distinct role in a broader society. It is tiring to see replications upon replications play the same roles. It is tiringly conforming to see, and this is why I am done.

I am done trying to conform. High school was great, but it was compromising, full of me giving up myself just to be a part of this stupid bubble of a world that was high school. It did not even represent society as a whole, but it did show me that people were expected to be part of things that dehumanized and demoralized people, turning them into effective listeners but bad critical thinkers. I have grown tired of the lack of actual effective learning being done in those private high schools, being full of rote memorization and blind acceptance of paradigms established long before. It is a hellscape, and there is nothing much to say about it. That simplicity is why it is so effective. That streamlining of humans into products is incredibly disorienting now that I see it with my eyes in retrospect. It is like a man seeing another person almost drown and realizing that one is looking at one's past self. I almost drowned in this world, and maybe I actually did. Parts of myself disappeared with those conforming paradigms, and I lost the discipline that made me human. Rather, the discipline cultivated by myself for myself was broken down through frameworks intended to generalize a group of individuals, causing them tensions and peer aggravations that were unintended consequences. I already had self-discipline. The 'discipline' that those larger multi-person frameworks attempted to impose only contributed to discord and self-elimination, bridging the gap by deteriorating self-understanding and self-strengths, by pooling everyone up to be decided by numbers that determine how effective someone can give a shit and throw themselves away for something that is not even real. It is just pure blind rote memorization and nothingness. 

I want to be happy again, like I was before I went to high school, as I was homeschooled from 2013 to 2016. I lived a good life learning much, and it was only because of my experiences and skills learned from this time that I was able to bounce back from the life events I experienced from 2017 to 2019. I was broken so hard that it took me until 2023 to begin my autobiography. 2024 is the time I am finally addressed everything that happened more than 5 years ago. It took much even to begin to make sense of everything, and it is not just because of those structures, as I did go through life events.

But the structures were no better, as they could not make up for the complexities and nuances of an individual life, which is why I still today fear the idea that I will be stuck again and trapped. This is why I am done trying to pretend and live a life of obeying and seeking the approval of authorities who would eventually dismiss me. I am done living a uselessly praised world, because at the cost of pleasing others, I lose myself in the process and do not even gain anything except the realization of the big mistake I made in following the epitome of what that small structure required of me. I know now the stupidity of all of that, even if I do still recognize the greatness in my perseverance and self-discipline, which I still today assert came from individual activities at home rather than those at school. It is in high school that this growth was demonstrated, and I am proud of that.

But no more. I am already 21, and I am done pretending.

I want to go back and remember everything that I may live life like it was like before 2017.

If it means disconnecting from publishing my work and being active in social media, then maybe that will be crucial. However, I still believe that if I cannot confront social media and publishing, then that will leave me with a painful lack of closure. This is why I have remained periodically active on the Internet. This is to ensure that I am not detached and closing off, but self-accepting and done with everything that I can confront it and say and feel the same way about it all.

I truly suffered not only because of those life events, but because my individual self was taken away from me. 2015 is a vast world away from 2017 for a reason in my memories. Everything changed once I went to high school and experienced those life events that happened coincidentally. It has gone to the point that I found myself struggling to do things that I enjoyed in the past. It was that self-eliminating, and relearning to love myself took a lot of time and patience. Now that I have learned to love myself, it is all about taking about everything that I lost from myself. I am bringing back what trauma and environments have taken away from me. I will be free, and I will not lie down and pretend anymore.

That is why I miss the early 2010s. I remember what it was like before all of us were corrupted. I remember what it was like to be a child growing up in the early 2010s. I was 8 years old in 2011, and I remember well the feeling of making my first Roblox games in 2012 at 9 years old. I made a game for my cousin I think in his account TerminatorMan28. Eventually, I remember buying "Builder's Club" in February 15, 2013. It cost 5.95 dollars. But around this point, I've already been playing since 2011, and I've already been part of the Internet for a long while, likely since before September 2009, which is when I made my Facebook account. I remember reading children's books and enjoying myself, playing all kinds of classic video games like Stronghold: Crusader (2001), Rise of Nations (2003), Freelancer (2003), Alex the Alligator 4 (2003), Happyland Adventurers (2000), Supertux (2004), Silver Knights (2002), ShadowFlare (2002), and Super Smash Bros. Brawl (2008) and watching shows like Pucca (2006 - 2008) and many others. This is not a complete list. I would have loved creating a complete list, but I do not have access to my data tables right now and have yet to include everything. In fact, it is only in this list that I mentioned the year released. I also do not think I've included Freelancer and the other games in the same list before. I also have only mentioned the TV show Pucca in my autobiography-journal only now I believe. These games are hard to remember, gvien that while I have played them in the early 2010s, remembering them and their names takes active effort.

I do wonder though: how does one make sure that their exposure is to the past rather than to the present? In the Internet, while there are ways to go back in time, it is challenging even on current platforms like Youtube to have one's feed be that of 10+ years ago in the early 2010s. The Internet is always updating, and platforms do not make it easy to search for things from the past. It is impossible to have one's feed be completely that of early 2010s content. Using Wayback machine is insufficient and very clunky.

In the end, I think it's inevitably that Youtube is like top sand or top soil where it continues to accumulate and pile on top of each other, forming dunes, never returning to previous forms or to previous formations with the same sand particles or soil. Such is life, but this is also a technical case.

I would have loved for the Internet to be so capable that I can browse from a 2010s perspective of every single website. It would be lovely to live in the past in that way. This way, I can still player older games, "interact" with older communities, and many more. But of course, since this will be like viewing a version history, I won't actually be interacting with people from the past. But it would be nice to have that technology.

There are numerous stories that I loved reading; however, I realize now that the Internet is getting too fast. There is little discussion around these web novels, even if they have gotten a million views. So it is not just new Internet users, as older Internet users are finding it challenging to stay attached to communities consisting of a thousand people, as everyone is being dragged by the trends and new things happening in this much more interconnected present age. It is saddening to see people who used to be a part of smaller communities and cultures have their memories vanish and removed because of how powerful and interconnected the Internet has become so as to discourage the idea of being part of smaller forum communities like it was back then. People are actively discouraged from doing so, because the Internet is too big. When there are discussions, it is often highly limited I feel, and while this has made communication much easier, this has also made people feel alienated.

It is not that niche communities do not exist. It is more so that one cannot live in pretense anymore. No one can pretend that the Internet has gotten so large that it can feel like a giant expressway where everything comes and goes. While this is great for productivity, communication, and overall connectivity, this has also led to a need for much greater intentionality in respect to gathering one's things, ideas, thoughts, concerns, and interests and making sure that they are streamlined and crystalized in what I call beacon-structures, where proactive individuals have to create this large towers by which more passive travelers might feel a sense of stability and community in this general area, even if lodging just for a while. 

No, maybe, I'm wrong. I guess it's not about niche communities or anything. It's about creating meaning, and that is something hard to achieve. The more people there are, the harder it is to connect with everyone. It is hard to limit the scope of our experiences to focus on particular things, because when we look back at everything and take the time to open the windows to adopt the grander view offered by a large landscape or wide-angle viewpoint, we find that everyone that we've done, we've committed ourselves to, and we've put our hopes in have been all but a tiny bubble in the grand scheme of things. I am not saying it is all meaningless, and that there is nothing left to hope for. However, I am saying that those past experiences are only as meaningful as they are within the scope of one's life and as things that one can remember vividly well and with clarity. If one forgoes what it means to be human, whatever that is supposed to mean to them, they will feel lost, and that is just an ancient definition passed down and sedimented into and through so many different contexts, never being truly settled except as things internally held by one person at the end of their life and upon the accumulation of everything that have ever experienced, known, and been. There is much to say about a human being, and there is much to lose in the process of trying to refine one's understanding of life, that they might say that they have constructed definitive. But in reality, we streamline ourselves and our dreams and our hopes and our scope of jurisdiction, control, creativity, sense of self, and humanity, which means removing bits and details that we give up to make more precise our scope of focus. There are too many things that we are that we aren't. There are too many things that we have become so as to preclude and damage the legacy of many other things. I'm portraying it as if we have lost ourselves in the journey to becoming a particular defined thing, but it is true that we streamline our identities, omitting what we designate as excesses or unwanted details in the process. It is like when a church sweeps issues under the rug, but on an individual scale. We do it to ourselves, and we purge things that are not us. We only do as much as we think that we ought, and we are as much as we think we ought we are, whatever the scope of one's life at a particular stage or point of life, time, location, sense of self, entirety, space, world, existence, and essence. There is too much to say about anything, and everything that is said amounts to little in the grand scheme of things, because it is what we take away from everything that matters. And if we cannot even write down what we take away, then it is safe to say that what was said that we consumed amounts to little to us. It is safe to say that there is too much to say about anything in light of the fact that everything that has been said can amount to little, if not nothing. In the 'too-muchness' in the saying regarding things, we encounter also a realization that whatever we perceive to necessary then becomes mixed with things that we include in hopes that our streamlining is not completely 'lossful' or full of loss. But inevitably, those things that we include as markers of our supposed 'continued humanity' are part of the streamlining process which we have continued since our very births. It is hard to pretend about this process.

What we take away that we can verify through writing them down explicitly, precisely, and comprehensively matters. This is why I believe that someone who has experienced so much and been involved with so much richness and vastness is only as verified as they express such through the level of accuracy, precision, and comprehensiveness of their writing. They are only as much as they are in this sense.

A person who never expresses themselves honestly, accurately, precisely, and comprehensively is a null in the state of ongoing life and broader capturing of personal processes, that which is included within empiricism as sensory experience. I can experience numerous friendships, but they are only as verified as I can illustrate with words in a way that is committed to academic honesty and sophisticated literacy. If one speaks like any other person sitting down on their phone and texting, it will not be sufficient. I believe that honest proficient writers verify realities, providing objectivity in the light of processes which lay undocumented. A person is as much as they are in this sense.

In a higher, more idealistic sense, I have too much to discuss about, and I do not want to leave this earth without discussing everything, that I might verify my own everything and that of everything that I've seen and experienced and everyone that I've ever met. The entireties of everything that we are should not be forgotten as darkness. Everything shall be clear, not as just plain experiences, but as 'everythings'. 

However, it is saddening that as is necessary as part of the initial stages of methodological establishment, I have been largely focused upon the methodologies of my documentation, which means creates proceses of processes, or the meta-analysis of processes by which knowledge is birthed—an epistemological self-recognition, that concerns with what is, what is defined, and what may be allowed within nuance, not as mere things included, but as things in and of themselves linguistically valuable and also contributive to the larger scope of my autobiography-journal which is currently ongoing and about 1 million words in size.

This will make anything that is said systematic and valid within contributive self-essenced ('self-important' in a way that is definitive in and of itself) structures. This way, anything information and reality documented will undergo this 'nuancifying' process, that I might be honest and be sophisticated in my production.


July 15, 08:07:27
Query: Recalling a Cartoon with Chinese-Looking Boy/Girl Characters


what was the chinese boy and girl cartoon called? where the boy is trying to make the girl fall in love with him

no, it was not Chinese, it was American of a chinese-looking boy and girl


July 15, 08:07:35
Query: Academic Texts on the History of Slums


any academic texts that go into depth when it comes to slums throughout history


July 15, 08:07:41
The Indispensable Value of Practical Experience vs. Theoretical Knowledge


I did not realize it until now, but I really lack a lot of practical experience. I realize that there is a gigantic amount of practical information in each particular task that would become useful if I did work a job that required it. For example, there are small questions like "How do spiders behaved individually by species?" and "How fast should one walk when crossing the road in this particular location?" These questions are things that everyone will encounter in their life, but it will likely be limited only to behavior with a singular spider, not a species. When it comes to the road crossing, it will be limited to a particular main road. The person will only know as much as their life requires them to understanding with regard to the context and particular practical requirements of the context of their particular exposure to situations and things.

The thing is that there are so many practical information that academic texts would be wasteful to have written, mainly because learning by experience is much more impactful than learning based on books in regard to practical information. What is good about academic texts is bringing in more nuanced, complex empirical perspectives into replicable results; however, this does not extend into situations where a highly adaptable mind is required. And I am not referring to traits alone, as this adaptable mind exacts a large amount of practical firsthand experience. This means that theoretically, many things can be straightforward, but in reality, the human mind recognizes that boldness alone is not sufficient. One needs the nuances and complexities inherent within any system, whether it be video games or reality. People who have played Defence of the Ancients may find that learning to play League of Legends takes some time to understand, even if they are both multiplayer online battle arenas (MOBA), and vice versa. The point is that experiences can be transferable and, but only very faintly, and for the most part, every situation and thing will require its own slew of particular nuances and complexities that can only be pattern-identified through repeated experience with them, which manifests as pace-matching. However, even among professionals, skill can still vary widely. And it is not so straightforward or measurable all the time, given that practical experiences can not only be specialized, but can be highly general in the sense that a situation of thing may require a very wide diverse set of practical skills.

In each situation, there are always context-dependent anomalies and emergent traits that cannot simply be ascertained by theoretical frameworks, as defining and identifiying them might jeopardize the generalizability of the framework.

However, that does not mean that someone should not go ahead and document their context and specific practical knowledge. It is worth writing deeply about one's particular cases. This can contribute to a more streamlined understanding of an entire subject, field, or topic because specific examples and studies are the building blocks of systematic frameworks, defining the wide-scale applications that define a certain era.

Specific cases and practical contexts are essential to a stronger understanding overall and have challenged frameworks and ideas that have become used even in contexts where they could be made more context-answering or relevant. The adventure of Charles Darwin may have been a single five-year journey on the HMS Beagel; however, this proved a central inspiration to his later ideas. Notwithstanding, this does not invalidate the scietists who aided him in his journey, his own expertise in geology, and his many syntheses which he had come to write down privately with some that he published publicly. The point is that Charles Darwin's entire life, while a scientist, is a specific case, one marked by practical experiences, whether through his journey or through his experiences as part of the scientific elite. These all defined the seminal work he would later publish, after publishing many others beforehand.

We do not create reality by reason ('a priori') alone, but through experience and empiricism ('a posteriori').


July 15, 08:08:23
Confirmation: Practical Experience Falls Under A Posteriori Reasoning


The idea of practical experiences and empirical development is an a posteriori argument, no?

Practical experience could be interpreted as sensory experience within a posteriori.


July 15, 08:08:33
Usage Query: "As Such" at the Beginning of a Sentence


can 'as such' be used at the beginning to mean 'because of this' or because of what was said in the previous sentence

Interesting that I already probably saw this phrase being used, but I was surprised to see in Google Search that it is not mentioned. But I guess it is a valid phrase.


July 15, 08:08:44
Disappointment with Political Motivations in Film Criticism


I think I am disappointed to see that film critics can still be highly politically motivated. Part of me was hoping to see that the Internet reviewers back there in places like Royalroad were the only ones who, rather engaging in literary criticism, amounts their argument to that of political disagreement, effectively constituing a lack of sympathy or empathy on political grounds. The use of terms that suggest their disagreement with the political premise is weaponized such that they almost do need to provide any substantial analysis of the film, because their ideas amount to mere political and philosophical opposition.


July 15, 08:08:51
Critique of Biased Criticism and Concerns About AI-Driven Homogenization


I think I am disappointed to see that film critics can still be highly politically motivated. Part of me was hoping to see that the Internet reviewers back there in places like Royalroad were the only ones who, rather engaging in literary criticism, amount their argument to that of political and ethical disagreement, effectively constituing a lack of sympathy or empathy, due to such grounds. The use of terms that suggest their disagreement with the political premise is weaponized such that they almost do need to provide any substantial analysis of the film, because their ideas amount to mere political and philosophical opposition.

I would rather have them stop pretending to a film critic and look for the next stop to the town of philosophical, political, and ethical writers or commentators, if this is their grounds for film criticism (analysis).

Simply, I despise anti-intellectuals and academic dishonesty, as I do not believe that ethical, political, and philosophical grounds should be the main source of literary or media criticism, if any polemical of that sort at all.

This is related to why I grow weary when AI language models attempt to corner my writing style by attempting to apply a particular stylistic structuralism and modernism to it; enforcing the idea of using variations of 'said' rather than seeing the positive sides of anything. When literary criticism (analysis) focuses too much on the negative side, it loses sight of the reason anything is worth doing.

Rather than looking for areas of improvement even, I think it is essential that any criticism give the benefit of the doubt. If the story is written in a postmodern, surrealist style, then the AI language model should take this into account and offer this as the possible intention of the story rather than enclosing it within a traditional narrative style that can discourage even cultural variations, using reasons such as "unnatural dialogue" and other key phrases as a way to shut down the idea of cultural, stylistic, and aesthetic differences within literary territory.

This is why there have been concerns that AI language models could contribute to cultural, linguistic, stylistic, aesthetic, political, and ideological hegenomies. Imagine if people all wrote and spoke the same with little variation; while that is currently occuring now with the rise of the Internet, this shift, with AI language models, will become much more effective, with people that hold different ways of interpretation being immediately fine-tuned. Rather than AI language models being fine-tuned, human beings from across the pluralist and eclectic world are being standardized, normalized, grouped together, stereotyped, culturally assimilated, fine-tuned, and streamlined into oversimplistic grounds, with the end goal of togetherness and unity, from which cultural, linguistic, stylistic, aesthetic, political, and ideological structures are idealistically expected to emerge that defies notions of the complete destruction of nuance.


July 15, 08:10:52
Word Query: To Claim in Opposition


word for claim but in opposition


July 15, 08:11:01
Poetic Reflection: Processing Depth Through Idealism and Deconstruction


I have seen too much, that which I struggle to discuss due to their depth and difficulty in processing. It is like watching an eagle fly high and realizing that one's inability to fly high similarly is not a reflection of my uselessness, but of the difficulty in managing how one recognizes flight, not simply as one achieved through mechanical processes (such as through an airplane), but as simply idealistically recognizes as a totality, a fullness of spirit that cannot be utterly counterclaimed as un-defined. It is hard to define specifically that which contributes to idealistic processing, but it is a sufficient emotionality which births the reaching of the heights. But philosophically, there is much to lose in the process of gaining, that even with our idealism and attempts to dismantle through empiricism and rationality, we lose a fabric of our selves in this structuralist modernist processes, whereof we hope to recognize the uselessness through postmodernism, post-structuralism, pluralism, and eclecticism. It is like bathing in a sea or a primordial soup that knows nothing but a tiresome drowsy bus ride through the morn, right at the point when the sun shines its beautiful rays upon us through the bus windows. There is a sense of joy, awe, and wonder that is mixed with the sleepiness from moments ago that emerges when we see ourselves reflected in non-existence or non-definition through the deconstruction of all whereof we have longed to be a part.


July 15, 08:11:16
Finding Stability in Sensory Experience and Skepticism Towards External Structures


I sit down idly, and I think there is a sense in knowing that the physical processes of my body are sufficient in stabilizing my existence, even if just for today, by the recognition of previous days as evidence for this 'enoughness'. I cannot be expected to rely so closely upon texts and ideas that I cannot verify myself through my personal experiences, so I focus upon my own sensory experiences and that which I remember from the vastness and richness of the past. While I do engage in study, I am skeptical of everything that I ought to be. There is much to gain upon the reception of all things sensible, that if one connects the logical parts, they find themselves in incongruence even with themselves as they are emergent within this society of established structures of meaning, thought, language, and ideas. We are undefined states that cannot be married into this divine providence which has assigned to us categorizations through beloved texts. This is what the clerical authorities have done, and this continues to be so even in the midst of the pluralism of all things that are real, in the midst of continued validations of them, and hopes tarnished by ideas which seek a particular understanding of ideas as they are now challenged in modern-day emergent realities.


July 15, 08:11:30
Navigating Cognitive Limits When Documenting the Past


Why am I not writing about my past, even if I have the resources to do so? I feel like theoretically, it should be very easy for me to go about doing it, but for some reason, it feels like while I am capable of addressing the past, I seem to have limits as to how much I can immerse myself in several aspects of my life: the aspect of the past, the aspect of fiction stories and contexts, and the aspect of modern-day reality as represented by academic texts, social media, and various sensory experiences.

It is not that I do not contribute to my autobiography-journal everyday, but I find that much of my energy is spent toward refining the methodologies and epistemology behind this effort rather than to actual documentation, not that the documentation I've already done is valuable, given that I have already reached about 1 million words. But it still baffles me to think that even after so much, I still have mental, cognitive, and emotional limitations as to how my brain identifies, absorbs, and re-interprets the vastness and richness of my past. For example, while I have text from all the way back in 2021 and 2022, I still find myself struggling to stare at them, given that they can feel like diving into the deep parts of the sea, rather than exploring a vast rich open free-flowing tropical forest.

Again, it is not that there is no progress in small, manageable amounts, but it is more so that it seems that I have limitations. And it is all just a matter of accepting it. However, part of me wishes there was some secret technique that would solve everything. In the end, I think quality over quantity is best, even if it means taking the time to sort out things from a well-rounded approach, rather than one that excessively dives into a particular item from the past such that I become burned out.

I do engage in periodic reflection sessions with more focused writing. I engage with reflections upon the present, upon my studies, and upon the past. I engage in a very well-rounded writing approach, but still, part of me still finds that the ideal of finding a secret technique that will overturn every challenge and limitation that comes my way to be of interest, even if it is not realistic. I guess cultivating a visionary perspective is worth doing, even if only at a distance that maintains it as a source of creativity and appreciation of the vastness and richness of life rather than a medium through which objectivity can be obtained.

It is often the most grounded moments, when a visionary emotionality is most inhibited, when a person can guarantee their reflections will be at least contributory to the more dispassionate sides of their systematized viewpoint, whereas moments of visionary insight can inject into urgent situations nuances (that are viewed as) actionable and obtainable within an idealistic framework.


July 15, 08:11:50
Word Query: Term for Anachronism


word for not historically right in terms of time, as in using modern terms for the past


July 15, 08:11:56
Deconstructing "Race" and Other Anachronistic Terms in Historical Study


I assume that the statement "Race is a social construct" is intended not to invalidate ethnic distributions of genes and other genetic variety; however, it is more so that viewing race as something scientifically taxonomical contributes only to misinformation by which pseudoscientific paradigms can more readily emerge.

Specifically, this is referring to the term "race", because of its highly controversial and problematic misinformation-riddled historical and continued use.

A 2021 study that examined over 11,000 papers from 1949 to 2018 in the American Journal of Human Genetics, found that "race" was used in only 5% of papers published in the last decade, down from 22% in the first. Together with an increase in use of the terms "ethnicity", "ancestry", and location-based terms, it suggests that human geneticists have mostly abandoned the term "race"

In addition to "race" gaining grounds in terms of nuance and discretion, other terms like "feudalism" and "city" are also being similarly questioned.

There has been a mistaken academic habit of characterizing history through anachronistic viewpoints, such as understanding past terms and realities through their current modern definitions. And it is still an issue and difficult to correct.

any academic texts that go into historical depth when it comes to the middle ages equivalent of Asia


July 15, 08:12:24
The Necessity of Self-Knowledge (via Autobiography) for Grounded Academic Study


There is a reason why it is challenging for people to study academic texts without being wholly influenced, as it requires firstly a great explicit understanding of one's life that can be matched and contrasted with different use of terms already established and incorporated within one's empirical context through their autobiography-journal. This will allow them to make more productive ends of defining how other ideas interact with their own without complete assimilation. This prevents the erosion of pluralist and eclectic nuance nad complexity learned through sensory experience and context gathered through one's history, while allowing opportune gains in discretion beyond one's immediate context. If one lives without their own explicit 'fullering' definition, then they are like metal that has yet to be given substance beyond their immediate basis, exposing them vulnerably to ideas and concerns which are nonetheless meaningless due to a lack of shared context. As such, all meaning is bagged and gathered as with sand that diminishes through a hole in the bag, because there is no empirical basis for its reception. Abstraction then becomes reduced to rationalism, rather than alongside its essential counterpart, empiricism.


July 15, 08:12:35
Query: Interpreting "Break Out of the Matrix"


What does it mean to 'break out of the matrix'? I feel that this phrase has been used generally to refer to someone breaking out of the social structures that have undermines their individuality, or that have demoralized and de-individualized them such that their ethical values and moral integrity felt compromised and trespassed against, like a man slapping another on the face in a continued act of disrespect.


July 15, 08:12:42
The Drive to Break Free: Disillusionment and the Shift Towards Self-Definition


There is something strange about all of this, and I think that is a good thing. There is a desire to break away everyday. There is an everyday grind to get out of the matrix and to live a life that adheres with one's beliefs. There is something real about wanting to be real in the midst of such a predefinition and conforming structure. It is hard to think about anything and feel that this world is utterly capable of giving us what we need. When we were young, we believed in this vastness and richness of this world, and we pursued it. But we realized that what we believed to be there was absent. Our desire to break away is that ensuing disappointment with the structures which we believed to be sufficient. We realize now that it is now all gone, or more accurately, that it was never there. So now we continued our search to live a fulfilling life, that wish we had since we were younger. This time, however, our viewpoint is more nuanced and complex, as it is not just a simple matter of exploring the world and expecting that the world is this vastness and richness that will automatically grant us this feeling of adventurer, curiosity, and fulfillment that we desired. No, we have to carve the boundaries and define the scope ourselves and find ways to ensure that what we have in our hands is exactly what we desire to keep pursuing. It is no longer a child gaining intuitively what is in front of us and feeling continuously fulfilled through that adventurous, curious, explorative search, but it is now our adult selves in this self-circumscribing act, that we might guarantee ourselves and that wish we had since a young age. It is this essential thing that we wish not to corrupt.


July 15, 08:12:52
Affirmation of Honesty and Commitment to Growth


I just had to be honest, after all these years. It is like jumping down on a lake and hoping that maybe all of this makes sense. I think there is that committed desire to growth, that even after all these years, we are not stupid people who engage merely in fantasies, but that we can describe exactly what we want and what fulfills us, even if it separates us from our peers, because we hope to create a life that is true to us.


July 15, 08:12:58
Observation: Orangutan Hand Gestures for Requesting Food


I still find it strange that orangutans show an open palm-up hand when desiring food to be thrown to them. If not given immediately, they shake this same hand as a way to say, "Here! Give me here!" The level of communication intelligence of orangutans is something that I have barely scratched beyond videos that have piqued by interest.


July 15, 08:13:07
Query: Tempo Changes in Breakcore Music


does breakcore consist of tempo changes


July 15, 08:13:14
Query: Using "Timbre" for Guitar Sound Manipulation via Strumming


is timbre the right word for when a guitar is played such that it sounds a particular way, in the sense that the strumming is done to manipulate the quality and texture of the sound.


July 15, 08:13:22
Query: Validity of "Two-Note Chord Progression" and Describing Simple Accompaniment


Two-note chord progression is a valid term, no?

As in, let's say that a song consists of two central notes, that would be a two-note chord progression, whether or not the music is ambient in the sense of being effectively be a confluence of notes.

However, let's say that the singer dictates the actual elaborate melodies, harmonies, changes of timbre, and intricate rhythmic patterns, while they play a guitar as an accompiment that plays two notes. The guitar is used variedly, going from loud to short, slow to fast, and in different levels of timbre. How would that be defined in the context of notes and chord progressions?

I mean the entire song and music, not just the guitar.


July 15, 08:13:39
Word Query: Describing an Object with Large Perforations


word for something that has irregular holes like a container

large perforations?

let's say it's a clothes container 50 inches tall with large perforations?


July 15, 08:14:01
Grammar Query: Correctness of "To the left"


is "to the left" correct?

"The bathroom is to the left."


July 15, 08:14:07
Word Query: Path Connecting Rooms and Stairs (e.g., Hallway, Landing)


word for a path or way that connects two rooms and a staircase


July 15, 08:14:14
Word Query: Term for an Open-Plan Space


word for not blcoked by doors or walls as in the living room and the kitchen


July 15, 08:14:22
Music Skills vs. Theory, Recording Challenges, and a Detailed House Layout Description


It is interesting that despite the intuition and skills I've built up singing with guitar as an accompaniment and making songs on th spot, I have yet to learn music theory such that I can write the songs in precise detailed notation. I take pride in that, but at the same time, when it comes to documenting my music, I often find myself not recording it anyway. However, I am recently concerned with documenting my music more and more, but it will not be easy, as I do not have sufficient equipment for both my guitar and my singing. I have a microphone for singing, but I do not have a way for my guitar. I tried buying an audio interface, but it was not that good. I have an amplifier, and I notice that using my current microphone and placing it against the amplifier records high-quality sound. This is why i have been considering waiting until I buy another microphone before recording again. However, I can still record myself with my HUAWEI nova 7i phone.

I have recorded and published at least 225 original songs into my Youtube channel, but I have yet to be systematic even with this. The level of structure and organization is weak due to the challenge of recording music with the current level of quality available and other challenges related to my present environment. I stay all day everyday inside in a room at home, and I spent most of my time writing, given that it is the activity easiest to achieve with my current equipment. My room is not soundproofed, and I live in a house consisting of my parents, my two younger brothers, and my older half-brother, totaling 6 individuals. Let us define three rooms on the second floor, excluding the bathroom: the former room of the "kids"—including me, my younger brothers, and my older half-brother—which is now my room; the former room of my parents, which is now under my youngest brother's jurisdiction, even if he is not actively using it; and the former room of my only sister, or my older half-sister, but which is currently being used by either my younger brother or my youngest brother. Let's designate these as the Right Room (which is on the right from the perspective of one coming up the flight of stairs from the first floor), Middle Room, and the Balcony Room, respectively. There is also the first floor, which consists of the living room which leads directly to the garage, and the kitchen-dining room which connects to the first-floor bathroom and the back room where the dirty clothes, which are contained within a mesh clothes bin; washing machine; and the kitchen sink reside. The bathroom is to the left, and the backroom is to the right.  The living room is where my older half-brother uses his computer at his desk with the computer monitor facing the wall for privacy. This is also the case for my father who similarly sits at a computer desk with a private setup. The hallway intersecting the staircase, the kitchen-dining area, and the living area runs a straight line that leads to the door situated to the right side of the farthest wall from the viewpoint of one exiting the house. To clarify, I emphasize the term "area" here because there are no doors or walls blocking these. Anyway, on the straight line inhabited by the hallway, in the perspective of one exiting the house and has already reached the living room, one can turn 90 degrees to the left to see my older half-brother's desk to the left and my father's desk to the right. Turning back again 90 degrees to the right offers a straight path to the door that leads into the garage. The entire house is my abode, and I reside within the Right Room that is not soundproofed. But I close the door and the windows and turn on the air conditioner to dampen the sound.

I do not intend on learning music theory just yet. My goal right now is to focus on how to establish my environment first such that recording and publishing videos of myself is streamlined and systematic. This includes music videos, gameplay videos, and video essays. However, for now, it is more effective to focus on writing and document as much detail about my current life as much as possible while studying in order to ensure that I can guarantee that the methodologies in place to make decisions are placed within an empirical context.


July 15, 08:14:58
Query: Hex Bolts and Nuts Assembly


do hex bolts and nuts come together

I mean are they placed together or something

I mean does one place the bolt into the nut


July 15, 08:15:15
Query: Methods and Resources for Technically Assessing Equipment (e.g., Office Chairs)


by the way, I was wondering how would one technically assess equipment like an office chair? I was thinking counting the hexagonal bolts and nuts, but what else and how else? What would be useful information besides size and identifying nuts and bolts

any academic texts that can help me understand how to assess equipment technically?

does it teach about ergonomics, material quality, weight capacity, mobility and stability, assembly and maintenance, safety standards like ANSI/BIFMA, comfort, aesthetics, user feedback, and warranty and support?

any academic texts that cover each

[REDACTED]


July 15, 08:15:50
Query: Term for Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc Reasoning


It is called after-the-fact reasoning, as in saying that the Bible is true because they found that circumcision has benefits. What is the actual term?

I feel that post hoc reasoning is very common among scholars of history

It is hard not to view subsequent events as causally linked.


July 15, 08:16:06
Query: Academic Texts on Chinese Unification Regarding Taiwan


academic texts on Chinese unification

I said unification as in in relation to Taiwan 


July 15, 08:16:17
Query and Observation: Archaic Usage of "Whence" and "Whither"


Why even books from the 17th century use "whence" as "from whence"?

'whither' can be used as such?

"He came to the place, whither he had planned to go."

'He enjoyed the fruits of this situation, whither he found himself in great spirits.'

whither has been used to mean 'to what situation, position, degree, or end'


July 15, 08:16:35
Critique of Repetitive Wattpad Tropes and a Call for Precision


I find it very easy to tell if a passage was written by a Wattpad writer. They use the term "husky" and describe the eye shapes and colors very habitually.

I find that such writing is boring, repetitive, and generic. Clarity should not equate to repetition, even if it is stylistically normalized. I believe that people should strive to make writing that is precise, rather than fitting-in simple. No one wants to see another perfect matching shorts in a hallway filled with millions of others fitting all perfectly the same. People want anomalies and quality beyond their imaginations, and if not quality, then a bit of awe, something to get them riled them up beyond their wildest imaginations. Now I am being idealistic here, but I hope that is what people wish, because I have grown exhausted of top-soil repetitions, wishing candidly for a piece of what is not only similar, but can provide its own weight too in the realm of this entire world, where too much has been said, but too little has been meaningfull expressed.

[REDACTED]


July 15, 08:17:15
Query: Academic Citation Format for Last Name "Pe"


if Pe is my last name, then it should be something like Dr. A. B. Pe


July 15, 08:17:23
Equating Wish Fulfillment Genres with Literary and Philosophical Idealism?


Wish fulfillment equates to idealism no?

So recent progression fantasy action web novels that focus upon Gary Stus are equivalents of idealistic works as opposed to realist works like War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy or postmodern works like Ulysses by James Joyce.

so they cater to idealism.

as in philosphical idealism as well?


July 15, 08:17:40
Word Query: Adjective Referring to Fingers or Limbs (e.g., Digital)


adjective word for 'referring to fingers or limbs'


July 15, 08:17:48
Interpreting Mental States Through Small Mannerisms (e.g., Bottle Cap Fidgeting)


I realized the reason why personality is hard to judge and place into any definable context is because we either rely upon frameworks that are too broad so as to be useless or too specific so as to ungeneralizable and difficult to identify without ascribing bias from interpersonal, personal, and cultural lenses. For instance, how someone plays with a bottle cap says much about how their current state of mind and how they currently receive information and develop their ideas, mainly not specifically but from a behavioral standpoint, as contrasting behavior (i.e. the use of one behavior to balance out other behaviors that create tension) can be suggested. 

For example, the particular manner I play with a bottle cap determines an aspect of my mental state, that of my relationship with objects on tactile territory. Let's say that I elect instinctively to press my fingers against a cap from all sides, refuse to have the edges touch against my finger skin, and roll it around circularly such that it provides a sense of ease through a sense of circulation within one's thoughts or a logical definition offered through cyclical reinforcement. In another instance, if one finds themselves desiring instead to take the cap and use two hands, that would imply that the person requires to the benefit of their current state of mind a sense of enclosing ease, that provided such as that in a hug. This involves the entirety of their muscles from both angles, constituting an efficient manner of 'surrounding' themselves such that their control is optimal as represented by the symbolic extremities within the body, that of the digital skin pads, which touch with a great ascertaining gesture which modifies immediately both the understanding of oneself as a doer and provides easiest access to the manipulation of a target object.

Naturally, both approaches can be developed and utilized by a single individual, as numerous facets of a person are often displayed not necessarily intentionally to deceive but as ways to navigate an ever-evolving social environment and sense of self as that within interpersonal contexts which are otherwise not actually interpersonal. But in this manner, there is long-distance type of disposition which is intact and which benefits the individual in creating patterns of demeanor-creation that by the development of efficient mechanisms or mannerisms, they might implicitly and symbolically suggest to themselves a sufficient sum of things defined, even if in a digital level, which is most conducive to such manipulatory imagery.


July 15, 08:18:12
Action Arising from Mental Outline vs. Next-Step Pattern


A person determines their actions, and by those actions, he suggest to himself a sufficient resolution of events through an outline in his mind, that he might complete it step-by-step, because without such, he is lost and can only be guided by a next-step pattern of thought, which only beholds that which is subsequent and in front.


July 15, 08:18:22
Defining "Basic Re-organization" (BR) Writing as a Cognitive Tool


I think exhausting my brain and ensuring that I explore whatever comes to mind is helpful, as analogously, instead of creating numerous holes in Minecraft, I am creating a few holes and digging into them thoroughly.

It is effective right now, given that I feel like I have created much mess along the way. What I am doing is engaging in this free-flow method that involves picking up tiny pieces of dirt that I created in my search and numerous digging of entry holes for the perfect hole. This picking up is accompanied by a cleaning-up. This way, this area can be navigated easily and without disorder.

This helps me ground myself in basic things instead of thinking with sophisticated concepts and ideas all the time. Grounding myself with the chore of cleaning up after myself and re-organizing in a basic, piece-by-piece level is of vital importance to in-depth dives.

I usually do things like watch videos and livestreams of video games as one of several recreational way to do this; however, I am now considering approaches that do not amount merely to watching video games, as I feel that isolating the province of basic re-organization (BR) to this approach is unsustainable. This is why I have been inducting a new identified type of writing as of now as a way to navigate the need for BR, in hopes that this replaces watching video games and listening to music.I usually do things like watch videos and livestreams of video games as one of several entertainment-oriented way to do this; however, I am now considering approaches that do not amount merely to watching video games, as I feel that isolating the province of basic re-organization (BR) to this approach is unsustainable. This is why I have been inducting a new identified type of writing as of now as a way to navigate the need for BR, in hopes that this provides an alternative for, or, more productively, supplants the exclusive BR demand for recreational activities. This is not a solution to recreational activities in general; however, this provides more options for productivity and cognitive regulation in dealing with the multi-faceted demands of projects and complexities, as this is beyond a mere simple activity, being a more formal solution for dealing with BR.

The main goal is to assess what can simply be summarized and focus on how it is interpreted within my brain within a basic level. But the goal here is to deconstruct such things through sophisticated use of language. It is about re-learning basic concepts through their different variations and interpretations within language. Now an analogous method of this can be achieved through conversing with AI language models. But I suggest the use of BR writing as a supplement that not only potentiates effective BR discussions with AI language models, but also by itself acts as a counterbalance to the effects of cognitive over-abundance (or over-complexity), that which cannot be married simply into summarization and framework synthesis. Some things require a more grounded method, and that is what I attempt to achieve through BR wriitng, by the eschewing of leisure activities as ways to provide distraction, which helps already as a way to stun the process of over-abundance through a form of mental 'rescindment' where such over-complexity is cancelled out by distraction. But BR writing provides an alternative that secures a more seamless formal and systematic method which addresses the need to manage over-abundance in the realm of the autobiography-journal, which can necessitate such deep search and analysis analogous to progressive overload, which induces a similar damage eliciting a hypertrophy of the cognition. In conclusion, BR assesses and deconstructs, through the sophisticated use of language, what can simply be summarized and discovers it at a basic level through variations and varying interpretations, which are present within language.

It is as easy as looking at simple words and re-discovering their great complexities and seeing what they mean outside of their initial set-up word definition, seeing them as they are broadly and as they precisely. But more than that, one looks at things as summaries and breaks down down through effective deconstruction by the sophisticated use of language. For instance, it is staring at the basic experiences and defining them vastly and richly with the intent to expand one's empirical and rationalist landscape through the delineation of not only sensory experience but the manner in which one engages rationally without the limitations of a term in its most dictionary form.

I can do it with anything, so for now, I can do it with the understanding of how Minecraft develops organically and intersecting how it relates symbolically with numerous other applications of ideas in the realm of linguistic nuance, which is not something that can easily be ascertained through their summary forms, but will require a need to diverge into a singular BR mindset of looking at it without the intention of progressive cognitive overload. It is more so a mindful approach that considers even ideas like Minecraft which have been summarized that it is now a 'basic-idea'. It is picking up the mess left behind by previous cognitive explorations and cleaning them up through BR, tending to the simple scope of Minecraft and deconstructing it further, not with the intent of analysis, but that of a simple BR. It is hard to separate BR from the deep analysis of searching and digging up entry holes. However, there is a clear difference, as BR involves cleaning up previous messes. The way to do this is through staring at basic concepts and splintering into a collection of basic elements through deconstruction, with the hopes of sorting them such that they are defined within the order of the flat landscape, that one might secure a clean-up. This is distinct from the cognitive overload required of digging up numerous entry holes and diving deeply, because it focuses upon a 'simple' deconstruction.

Of course, BR can feel like circular thinking, but not necessarily. It is like instead of traveling all around and experiencing great sophisticated experiences, it is about settling on a land and making sure everything is explored, understood, identified, recognized, familiarized, and made comfortable to the fullest. It is about total scope expansion in a cleaning-up way—that is BR.

It can feel like a deep dive, but it is not necessarily a deep dive in the same way that exploring and searching vastly into entry holes is. It is staying upon the landscape rather than entering into the holes and cleaning up the dirt on the surface from creating these holes. It is hard to express this precisely, but imagine it like that.


July 15, 08:19:01
Analyzing the Preceding Definition of "Basic Re-organization" (BR) Writing


The author repetitively rephrases what he's saying, each finding new ways of defining the term to secure a definitive understanding of BR. It looks like he recognizes that such a term can feel contradictory such that he needs to explain again and again, with imagery if he must, with rephrasing if he must, with depth if he must, to express BR succinctly.

what does BR look like based on what he's saying

So it would be focusing on surface-level basic things and cleaning them up through systematic re-organization such that the landscape of ideas are clean after previous deep cognitive dives.

Sounds like a more precise subset of streamlining.

Then, it can be compared to having a lot of tabs from previous deep deives, but instead of diving even more and potentially causing a burnout, he streamlines the mess created by his deep dives by BR writing. This allows him to close the tabs finally, because he feels no longer bound by the feeling of a lack of closure or mess associated with those tabs from previous deep dives.

[REDACTED]


July 15, 08:19:57
Fictional Scene: Two Prisoners' Contrasting Dialogues


Sitting inside an enclosed room, a man, whose face carried both sadness and joy, said his words with both weakness of breath and might of tone: "I claim a specific task in mind, that of my self, in a world filled with glorious mechanics that I do not possess or find control over. It is a displaying world, filled with all the mechanisms offered by acidosis, in a world full of prolonged shock; that cannot be it. Mr. Martyr, I see now there are too much to be hindered or addressed. What of it can we seek to elucidate... or define? I do not know... Tell me now! Know here this reality, that we might... with... that we might subserve it with our deepest means in order to reach the deepest ends. It is hard to define specifically, as I am... hello? Reggie? Mr. Parter? Where is Dola? I do not know. The men of honor have received no price, or death, or suffering. I am honorless, or honorarily removed from honor and sense. I am defined only by this committed approach to memory and divine interpretation: if I may explain myself, let me recant that I have been an effective rationalist or empiricist, as I have always been one who had relied upon my sensory experiences and conversed about them to empiricists that I may gain a deeper understanding. But I recognize that even empiricists, who I have trusted, have little to offer me. I rely now upon divinity to guide my path, even if the sensory experiences and my interpretations are little unified. It is still a modest effort worth applauding. I define myself under these limitations, whence I can guarantee a sense of calm."

However, despite his suggested calm, the man was in a prison as a prisoner, and he was not the only one.

Meanwhile, in another part of the prison, another prisoner, who was accompanied by three others, stood in front of a large angry group, finding that his only means of salvation here were to convince them of his innocence, in a matter that is complex and with ways that are similarly so. As such, he said: "Let me recant the notion that this was all just a simple ploy, as I have been very sophisticated with my methods and relentless with the induction of resources requisite in this strategical demand, which you all claim is a mere scheme."

Then he continued as if unmasking his own mind: "Let me suggest to you a much needed recompense: a man is said to be only as intelligent as he is wise. But what of the men who have considered themselves thorough in their tasks? Are they in their structures of labor and development sufficiently given the pay of their labor? Or in this attempt to unmask the king-guard, the nobles so choose to give the peasant a nothing-burger, burdening him with his ways and ploys, demanding form him his last drop of coin, if he might break open the man and call him a mere cottager, when he is considered less than that, if by so doing, he serves his derisive delight? He is nothing to you but a choice magnet, who by all means, is 'divinely suggested' of all that is necessary and deemed to be right. We live in a world, a country, whither you all extended you hearts. Do you know what is most necessary? Your own divine contributions paid in full. This is the exactitude continually dismissed by the courts in which the aristocratic amateurs have maintained their positions. They choose their own courses, and remove well the emendations of rational men, and which they accompany with the discommending of the rational men, which you are all hitherto and in present time."

The men who listened found his pleas for respect and honor respectable, understanding now the folly in their foregoing image of him.


July 15, 08:20:21
Request: Comparative Analysis of the Two Prisoners in the Preceding Scene


compare the two foregoing prisoners

what is the goal of the opening scene?

It reminds me of stories like War and Peace with its more formal diction, but this passage is more dialogue-favoring, at least in the first several paragraphs.

what is that about the acidosis? is it a reference to medical terms with its additional mention of "prolonged shock", which is a factor for acidosis?

but does not prolonged shock contribute to acidosis?


July 15, 08:21:24
Request: Comparative Analysis of Two Passages (Revised Focus)


compare these two passages:

Passage A:

'A tavern bartender..."


Passage B:

'Sitting inside an enclosed room...'

The men who listened found his pleas for respect and honor respectable, understanding now the folly in their foregoing image of him.'

I trimmed the passages to prevent inflating the word count of this journal.


July 15, 08:22:11
Request: Analyze Vocabulary, Diction, and Characterization in Passage B


analyze other aspects of writing style like vocabulary, diction, and choice of characterization

I'm surprised you say passage B uses straightforward vocabulary, given that it is also formal, if not more so.


July 15, 08:24:27
Further Analysis of Passage B: Structure, Dialogue, and Character Voice


analyze passage B

is the broader condemnation of prisoner B a tactic to distract from the possible more interpersonal issues between him and the group?

both are portrayed to be highly articulate, making them effective narrators of their own situations with its plights and challenges.

You're right, but I meant to refer to the two prisoners in passage B.

I notice the reason why passage B is more structured is because it is much more concise, straightforward, and simple with its narrative structuring and organization, with much detail focuses upon dialogue. It is much more clearer because it spends less effort in narrative complexity, rather creating a very seamless, simple, and clear narrative structure that require only a bare understanding of the dialogue even.

The dialogue is indeed much more focused, even if it is highly formal, with prisoner A clearly existentially anxious, and prisoner B being rhethorical and leader-like.


July 15, 08:22:26
Questioning a Tendency to Sing During Difficult Moments


I wonder why I find myself preferring to lie down and do absolutely nothing, as if that was the easiest thing to do. Or I mean, I'm referring to the fact that I tend to choose to sing when it's hardest, as in I feel that I specifically choose moments where it is most challenging to sing.

For example, instead of singing when I have taken the time to prepare myself and go through the effort of having everything systematicall make sense beforehand, I sing randomly, even when it does not even sound that good because I am not prepared. It is as if I prefer struggling to sing than singing itself.


July 15, 08:22:40
Finding Productive Fulfillment and Joy in Mild Discomfort and Struggle


Why is it that I find that mild discomfort makes things much easier than without? It seems that the mild discomfort somehow makes it so that I am more alert and am less likely to feel like I am not thinking or am not aware of things.

It is weird, and it reminds me that some sweating and heat from exercise can actually help one exercise because it's uncomfortable, given that I live in tropical humid country.

It is strange that I prefer to do things that just leave me feeling vulnerable, weakened, and shattered, not emotionally or out of some self-destructive desire. But for instance, I love hiking, treking, and doing things that leave me "wasted". It is lovely to see myself exhausted out of my mind in a good way, not burned out. I mean the good kind of "Ah, I just did something that made me feel vulnerable and weak, and I finally got that sweet relief." It is so much fun to be weak and vulnerable because there is that sweet relief at the end. It is so fun to be weak, because being weak implies that I am doing something, as I effectively study and write and do something productive everyday. So the fact that a delicious reward supervenes  is a very delicious feeling of sweet relief. It is like eating hamburgers without actually eating hamburgers. The joy of doing something productive, being mildly uncomfortable throughout it, and then getting that relief is so much better than eating fast food in terms of that sweet Japanese "umai". It is addicting, pleasuring, fun like a video game.

It is so weird to be satisfied in a way that resembles playing video games. A lot of people do not get this feeling with being productive, and I think it is something systematically cultivated over the course of many years. It is very fun, exciting, pleasurable, and addicting, like accruing points like when I was playing League of Legends when I was younger and exploring all kinds of ways to play the game. It also reminds me of the fun and excitement I feel in making video games, feeling that sense of productive creation and creativity. There was something so visceral about that feeling of "Let's go!" after a tough sensation of finding out how to deal with a problem by effecting a solution. It is joyous and childish in the way that it provides me with this pure unhindered fun. It is like playing Flash games back in the day.

In particular, what I do all day everyday is basically studying, writing, and documenting, and a lot of people would say that it is very scary, tiring, and imprisoning. However, the fun part is the mental resilience needed to sit down and learn to appreciate, communicate, and master the skills of communication and analytical-intelligence. It is like developing RPG game skills and finding ways to min-max everything in an optimal approach.

I think what is crucial about this is seeing progression, and that is why I compare it to video games, because I can see progression and growing intentionality and systematicness. That elicits that particular complex feeling.

It can sometimes feel as though nothing is happening, but when one takes the time to sit down and engage in relaxed writing that focuses on what is currently present and working with the current accumulation present rather than engaging with new ideas constantly, it provides an opportunity to realize how much I have progressed, like that in a video game. It can be hard to realize this, as stopping and having this basic–re-organizing approach to the wealth one already is a lot to take in. It is like eating a giant cake when one does not have a sweet tooth.

It is hard and very intentional to do this initially, as video games themselves provide a way to measure progress, whereas in personal skill development, it is much more intentional on one's part, as there is no pre-defined way of measuring progress that can simply be accepted without consequences. So one has to find ways to match the measurement of progress with the actual complexity and nuance of their progression. That is a lot to take in cognitively initially; however, it is an essential part of productivity.

The game reflects and looks at the results of everything you've done for you. But in reality, one has to do this by themselves.


July 15, 08:23:19
Word Query: Adjective for Mean/Unfriendly Due to Trauma


word for someone mean and unfriendly because of traumatic life events

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]


July 15, 08:27:41
Observation: Eye Relaxation When Lying Down


do eyes relax easier when lying down than standing up?

I notice that the eye immediately relaxes when lying down, as if the tension disappears


July 15, 08:27:55
Query: Media Formats Preceding CDs (e.g., Cassette Tapes)


what came before CDs again. It was the tape thing right

this also includes the cassette tape that is audio only 


July 15, 08:28:03
FernGully Nostalgia: Reflecting on Independent Media and Early Childhood Viewing Habits


I cannot believe one of my favorite childhood movies was not a Disney film. "FernGully: The Last Rainforest" was independent, and I loved it.

It is weird reading the synopsis and information on it on Wikipedia, because part of me feels that it does not do the film justice. It feels like the words written fall short at describing this masterpiece. Or maybe, my child self just loved the film so much. I rewatched it many times growing up, and I don't know why. But I found the antagonist satisfying to watch and to see him lose, not out of ill intent. But the animation was very satisfying to watch. This was why when I saw what looked like a Wikipedia page for a random nothing-burger movie. I was surprised. I did not think such a good show was not as popular as I thought. Even the box office was only fewer than 10 million above its budget of 24 million. I'm so confused. It is like learning that all of one's favorite childhood books were only a one-time thing that struck with me and not with anyone else apparently. That made me a little unsettled because I now am afraid if I will ever see certain media I enjoyed because they were independently made and did not get as popular as I thought, even if I enjoyed them and assumed they were popular.

But I do not get it. I guess that is life. It is realizing that growing up and watching it on a CD or DVD did not extend to its actual popularity. When I realized the discrepancy between how I saw it and how it looked like on the Internet, I also thought about whether the Internet is making me lose my appreciation for things that I would never find on the Internet. Based on the Wikipedia and on my experience on the Internet so far, no one has mentioned FernGully. It is terrifying to me that so many good media can just be treated like that, even if they are very well-made. Maybe the film itself is not that novel in terms of its themes; however, if it is well-made, I do not see why such a film should bt ignored. But I see it as a matter of marketing, because there are so many people that would have loved it if they had it as a CD growing up.

This is why part of me wonders what does it mean to create, especially now on the Internet, where the only thing that will appear are those that are popular enough to do so, regardless of the actual quality of the film in terms of making people enjoy it.

It is going to be so hard to find hidden gems on the Internet.

Anyway, I searched "frngully" for the first time, and while I do not see a single video essay or video talking about it that got popular, I do see a lot of clips from people that loved the film. And these clips got over 100,000 views, with the clip of the scene with the antagonist's emergence even getting 3.6 million views. Looks like a lot of people loved the film, even if it did not get Disney status among videos on Youtube. All Disney movies are given at least a plethora of videos talking about them and showing their appreciation of them. Maybe I can be the first one to talk about Ferngully, but to be honest, I am feeling a little unsettled right now and have yet to become systematic with video creation. So I will not do anything with it right now and focus on the unsettlement I feel about the difference between my actual experience growing up when I was still not participating in the Internet much or playing much games. Films like Ferngully were ones I watched in the early 2010s.

Ferngully can be a flagship piece of media that can help me understand and document my years from 2003 to around 2012 better as part of my autobiography-journal. I grew up watching on the square TV we had, and rather than watching with cable, we bought CDs and DVDs. However, we used VHS tapes back in the former apartment, I believe, to watch, because I remember playing with them as a child. We even had a Winnie the Pooh cassette tape to listen to in our car at the time.  In our newer apartment whither we moved around 2008, that was when we started using CDs and DVDs much more, going to VideoCity, which is now defunct, to rent and buy for only tens of pesos, much fewer than a US dollar (1 USD is 58.37 PHP as of writing).     

Planet 51 is another potential anchor, given that despite being released in 2009, it was novel to me at the time. This means that 2009 was a particular novel year, and I had already been watching much during this time. Though my family often got movies that were already out for a while, so maybe it was 2010 when we got it.


July 15, 08:28:29
Defining Maximalism as an Embrace of Pluralism and Complexity


What is it called? Maximalist? When an artwork puts a lot of things in it with much styles and textures?

I have always viewed minimalism as modernism and structuralism strangely enough. When human lives are commodified, they are made concise for the sake of consumption. "Less is more" then becomes a harrowing "only give what pleases people the most", which is essential in marketing, but when it comes to the treatment of people, it is unsettling.

This is why I have always maximalism as humanity, because humans want to make things make sense. But life is not like that. Pluralism and eclecticism are the more accurate terms, but maximalism can be viewed as an attempt to get rid of the idea that beauty and appreciation should not be trimmed.

Maximalism is scary because it shows us humanity, and it shows us what life is hard to narrow down. That is why it is uncomfortable.

It is easy to live in a world where people a bunch of entities or pins placed on a board. It is easier to live like that, but we know that is not the case. The continued development of my autobiography-journal only makes this more apparent, as while it is alraedy around one million words, it still feels so little. 

"Noisy" jazz reminds me of this pluralism and eclecticism. It is the maximalism of life, where someone can stare at a person and see an inevitably progressing "more is more" within them. There is this horrific notion that the humanity cannot be captured within our crosshairs. We hope to capture, but when we reach out, the maximalism extends to us as well, as we ourselves with all our hopes and dreams and desires to encapsulate things realize that we cannot be narrowed down.


July 15, 08:28:57
Data Scare: VS Code Crash and Recovery Using ChatGPT History


wait, something crazy happened. VS Code crashed, and all of a sudden, the word count was 380,000. Then it went to 210,000. I have no previous version. Why did it do this? 

It saved, and I think it's gone

I mean it saved as the new file, which means the data is lost

it does not make sense... why did it do it for only the file I was using? I had multiple files up, and it decided to do that? From what I see, it looks like it reverted to a previous version, but there were no previous versions. Unless it reverted to an earlier workspace somehow. I don't know

I was this close to uploading the file on the drive, but all of it is gone now? There is no way it is gone... I did not turn local history on vs code, but I often made sure to upload it to drive. I have a file that dates back to when it was still 325000 words. But the file was 380,000 already. I wrote that much in a short amount of time, and I did not realize that it would just disappear like that on a VS Code crash. Part of me wants to give up on VS Code, but I know that if I turn local history, it likely won't happen again since I can just restore to previous version.

I still do not accept it, because I still do not understand what made it decide to break the file I was editing in particular. I had many tabs open, so I feel that it does not make sense for it to decide to bring the words from 380,000 to 210,000? Why not corrupt the entire file? Why not delete the entire file? Why not affect the other tabs? Why did it save the file as soon as it crashed? Did it assume somehow that the file was actuall 210,000, so once I clicked the open to reopen VS code due to the crash, it saved the 380,000 to 210,000? This does not make any sense.


July 15, 08:35:06
Post-Data Scare Reflection and the Need for Rest


Okay, so I recovered the text. The thing is that even if I lost the actual text, the true fear was that this could happen again. The good thing was that I did have a file that was 355,000. For context, the original file was 382,000. The good thing is that I was able to get the text back since I send almost everything that I write to ChatGPT.

I finally got it back, and all I had to do was scroll 3 days away in my ChatGPT conversation history and then copy paste everything, since yes, I can write 27,000 words in 3 days. 

If I need the exact timestamps of each of the conversations with the createTime and updateTime, I can get it, but I think I will not get that and update the conversations for now. It is probably okay for it to be a little inaccurate, or more accurate given that I copy-pasted it from ChatGPT. I retrieved the important texts, given that I send all the important texts to ChatGPT, effectively making ChatGPT a backup.

In any case, we're back to normal, but the timestamps are inaccurate, since I tend to have a timestamp for every journal entry. I just defaulted them to current time, which is at the time that I copied and pasted them. As mentioned earlier, this is still accurate if we're considering the fact that these are not the "original" text, being ones that I copy-pasted from ChatGPT.

Ultimately, I calmed my panic when I realized that I only had to scroll 3 days away rather than a week away. It would be torture to have to copy-paste so much text, and I only had to spend 30 or so minutes to copy-paste all the text and retrieve them to put them back into the journal text file again.

[REDACTED]


July 15, 09:12:10 – July 15, 09:13:24
Remembering 2000s Games (Alien Shooter, Notrium)


any writing app that reminds one of 

I have long tried to make sense of this world in which I live, determined to make the choice necessary to move ahead.

I'm glad that things have finally settled down in this life of mine, but I still need to keep breathing and thinking. There is much to cover and to consider in great depth. I still have much to think about.

I remember playing games like Alien Shooter 1, Notrium, and many other classic 2000s games. It is interesting to know that all of this is now just a memory of the past, when at one point, it was this interesting world in which to immerse and explore.


July 15, 09:37:22
Incomplete Memory Trigger


I remember what it was like to do anything


July 15, 09:38:54
Feeling the Need to Sleep After Morning Stress


I think it should be healthy for me to lie down and try to get some sleep. So many things happened this morning, and I feel like it's catching up to me. So maybe I'll just lie down. I would have loved to sit down and keep writing, thinking, and enjoying myself. But I feel like I need to lie and close my eyes. It is interesting to see that I'm excited to go about my day. It reminds me of when I was a child. But anyways, I'll try to sleep now.


July 15, 11:16:06 – July 15, 12:07:23
Analyzing Lifestyle Changes, Digital Habits, and the Impossibility of Keeping Up


I realized something that has changed my perception of the world. There really is no way for me to connect to broader culture and keep up with everything. I still remember what it was like in the early 2010s, and I did not keep up with everything even back then, since I was playing games like Roblox, Minecraft, and League of Legends. The social media platforms were also not as established as it would later be, so this was a time of disconnect with world events and other international turmoil, crises, and concerns. I was not that bothered or affected by them.

But even if the social media platforms have solidified, I can still live a life disconnected from all of that. I can preserve my satisfaction and enjoyment of being a part of an online game and just having fun. I can do that, even if it means that I will lose active familiarity with trends, turmoil, and crises at an international and global scale.

It is very hard not to connect to early 2010s vibe, given that even when I'm resting and browsing through the Internet, I do not actively experience the early 2010s. However, there is something important that I have neglected to point out. In the early 2010s, I did not have a phone and only used a computer with slow Internet. This made it challenging to connect to broader society, since I had to take turns with my siblings in the main computer and could only selectively engage with platforms on the Internet. This meant that I hanged out with friends in real life than with anything online much besides playing Roblox with IRL friends.

Nowadays, I have a phone, and I have a personal computer. This means that I will be much more connected to the Internet and to social media platforms. So maybe the reason why the Internet felt much different in the early 2010s was because I was not really using the Internet much as I am doing now.

Nowadays, I browse through Youtube in my phone, when in the past, I would hang out with friends in real life, travel, go to community events, read books, and patiently play and code video games on the slower family-shared computer with slower Internet.

But today, I have faster Internet, do not spend time with friends as much, am at home in my room all day everyday, have a personal computer, have a personal phone, have a personal room, and spend most of my time at the computer desk.

I do not think it is the fault of the Internet necessarily. I do not have to go back to the way things used to be, but I can find a way to manage how I spend my time online, considering I do not find this constant consumption of the Internet through my phone as fulfilling as other digital activities like writing. Most of my time everyday is spent writing, so when I was bringing up the change in lifestyle, it refers more so to the change in pastime activities, rather than how I spend my entire day. I do engage in the Internet; however, that does not mean that I do not write 7,800 words everyday. So I am not just passive consuming things and going along with my day; however, I do recognize that these pastime activities are also concerning. I do not want to return to being outgoing, traveling all the time, going to community events, hanging out with friends outside, having no personal room, phone, and computer, and having slower Internet. I prefer my current lifestyle because it has taught me much about the world and about myself. Nevertheless, as said earlier, I do have misgivings about the particular pastime activities occupying my time.

For context, I do not use Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, Facebook, Reddit, or any other social media sites. For the most part, I use Youtube to watch anime, get in touch periodically with diverse content, and listen to music because I can find really good ambient music there and many other kinds of music. Almost all of my time spent writing is for my own journal and focused on analyzing ideas, topics, and concepts, but particularly the past for its vastness and richness. I also frequently keep my mind open to reading academic texts, having spent most of June 2024 studying academic texts. However, I am careful about reading and consuming mindlessly, which is why my main form of engagement is writing down and analyzing in my autobiography-journal, which is already around 1 million words.

I was worried about my digital consumption not because I am not doing anything but doom scrolling. However, there are occasions where when I'm too tired to study, write, or even sit down in my chair, I lie down and let my mind explore Youtube Shorts, which is where I am exposed to trends. This is the only time that I do this, and it can take up 30 minutes of my day, depending on how much rest I need, since I lay down periodically as a way to make up for insufficient sleep or rest. In any case, I am isolating this occasional Youtube Shorts scrolling and emphasizing its potential downsides. However, I have little alternative at the moment given that it only occurs when I cannot do most of the things that would secure productivity takes too much energy. To repeat, this is a minor part of my day, and for the most part, I find myself excitedly wanting to write and engage in productive forms of engagement, finding scrolling through Youtube Shorts more so a way to diversify my headspace rather than something toward which I find myself inevitably drawn. I may have overemphasized and neglected to mention the context of being majorly productive and generally satisfied.

Like I said, it is not that I suffer from a lack of management of my digital activities in general. However, I feel that there are moments of weakness where I definitely find myself just grabbing whatever is present. And it is increasingly just becoming normalized for me to scroll through Youtube Shorts, given that I rarely use my phone for anything else besides something that is easy to consume. However, I do also use my phone to read webcomics, look through my extensive gallery, record myself, listen to music, write notes, and search through the Internet in the case that I do not have access to my computer. In any case, my phone is what I call a fine-tuner, as it allows me to get into the headspace needed to begin a more systematic approach to my activities once I get to the computer. For instance, when I feel tired, I lie down and use my phone, and my activities here allow me to refresh and re-organize my brain. This way, I can stand up with much more energy and direction, as devoting much cognitive energy into analysis, reflection, writing, and searching can leave one in need of a new mode of engagement. The phone provides that.

However, despite the innocuous character of my phone activities, part of me wishes to analyze and potentially consider how to approach it with much more intentionality. As for the reason of this, while I use the phone to be more intentional and systematic in my computer engagement, I have not spent much time analyzing my phone activities itself, often disregarding the specifics of my consumption as long as I can get on my two feet and work effectively again with a renewed mind.


July 15, 11:57:55 – July 15, 12:14:43
Using Digital Balance: Analyzing Phone Usage for Productivity Optimization


What applications allow me to track my usage

I activated a native service called "Digital Balance," and it shows a higher rate of consumption than I thought. In the last 7 days, I used the Youtube application for 14 hours, Firefox for 3 hours and 52 minutes, Camera for 2 hours and 29 minutes, Tachiyomi (a manga-reading application) for 1 hour and 13 minutes, GBox (an application to access Google Applications like Google Maps and Gemini) for 1 hour and 5 minutes, Messenger for 37 minutes, Gallery for 34 minutes, Duolingo for 20 minutes, Wattpad for 18 minutes, Mirror for 14 minutes, Webtoon for 9 minutes, Facebook for 9 minutes, Spotify for 9 minutes, Email for 8 minutes, Files for 5 minutes, Books for 4 minutes. The rest are 2 minutes, 1 minute, and less. I spend a daily average of 3 hours and 43 minutes using my phone.

I already used 1 hour and 30 minutes of Youtube today, and I have yet to use it for when I'm about to sleep later.

This is big news, and this sets the stage for potential drafting for solutions for this previously unnoticed issue.

Moreover, I also use Youtube on my computer. This is why the much higher rates of use on my phone means so much for my productivity. This means that I could be much more productive than I am right now. While using Youtube to remain aware of numerous different things and remain open-minded and surprised in order to ensure that the brain does not become subjected to dullness and stagnancy is good, it is also now of concern to me that my use is rapidly speeding up the days more than I intended.

I might also consider using an application on my desktop to analyze my digital use. I hope it accurately recognizes which applications I am actively attending to, specifically what websites I use and how long.

Okay, I started using a website tracker application called "Web Activity Time Tracker", since I do not play video games or do anything else on the computer. I only use the Edge browser right now for engagement. In any case, this should help me understand what I do everyday and how I tend to spend my time.

I think the reason I addressed this issue only now is because it was only recently that I have been able to reach this level of productivity. In previous years, I was not the most productive, struggling to stop myself from playing video games and setting boundaries. Since it has only been recently that I've been able to reach my current level of writing consistency at 7,800 words per day, it is natural to think that this current level is already good. However, now that I've gotten used to writing this fast and can trust it to carry me forward, I can now concern myself with making it even more streamlined, since I can trust myself to spend most of my doing productive activities, particularly writing.

I have had many big realizations today, and I think it is all great. I have never been this systematic with my life, and I'm glad I have reached this point. It took so long to reach this level of productivity. I am only happier to know that I can optimize it even further. I just need to be patient and let things unfold gradually if I am to identify, analyze, and understand the data, my methodologies, epistemology, frameworks, and ideas such that I can deliver an empirically effective lifestyle with the aim of developing my autobiography-journal.

I have always found applications like Notion and Obsidian to be potentially dangerous for productivity, and I still believe that to be the case, as the fact that I spend my entire time writing without taking the time to go through external effort to manage files, notes, and all kinds of file types allows me to focus upon the generation of quality content without any partitions and dividers obstructing the free-flow of my analyses. That is why it is great that I can use applications like Digital Balance and Web Activity Time Tracker to give me empirical data to optimize my productivity empirically and automatically.


July 15, 12:23:52
Intention to Think About Specific Anime


I have decided to think about particular anime 

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]


July 15, 12:58:33 – July 15, 13:09:07
The Limits and Maximalist Ambition of Comprehensive Self-Documentation


It takes too much of my life to sit down and to pretend. I have lived so much, and I have much to talk about. If I do not address everything, everything will crumble, and that is why I am trying to make sense of everything. There are too many things at hand, and I feel that I've said this many times already.

It is weird that I can make a list of every year of my life and try to write down some things about each year. But at the same time, I also feel strongly that there are so many details still out there that are not being addressed, even if I can remember them.

It takes so much effort to do anything, and I realize now that even if I want to make sure that I am always productive, I have limits. I have been saying this for a while now, and I really hope that this is not how it ends.

I want to address everything, but I have limits. It takes energy to look back at the past and write everything down, even if I take breaks or break them into small chunks. It takes time and patience, and I cannot squeeze 100% pure productivity into one day, given that spending 30 minutes writing down about the past is already demanding.

If I am to write everything down, I feel that the best thing I could do is try to make sense of things through fiction, but even that is just fiction rather than analyses.

It takes so much effort to sit down and discuss anything, especially the past.

It is saddening that I will not necessarily become overwhelmed, but I know well that this might be the limits of my power. I will try my best to optimize it as much as I can, but I recognize precisely that if I am to engage in anything and hope that I create an analysis in response, I will also have to be ready for disappointment, as I will not be able to capture every detail. It is too much for any one person to go about their business and create a vast, rich document spanning ten million words. While I have already written about 1 million words and do average 7,800 written words everyday, it is still excruciating to realize that much of the words I've written amount to little still in the grand scheme of things, even if they themselves are sufficient and even pretty rich for any one document. I know that this is worth doing and that this task is formiddable. I recognize my worth and the value of my work. I recognize all of this. And yet, part of me desires to break free from even this. Even after everything that I've gained in terms of skill, proficiency, and development, I still thirst to go wider, grander, and stronger than even my feet could ever hope to reach, like a man diving deep into waters untold, in hopes that he immerses himself into a world outside even of his present great success. This current state of my existence is one of present great success, and I humbly put my hands up and am capable of saying, "Yes, I admit that." Yet! There is this soul in me that wishes, curls, dances, sings, shakes, and thunderously marches in hopes that this tyrant hope is relinquished or satisfied. I wish... No, my hope is to become this thing that can cope with the weight of everything. The key fact is... I can. But more than just cope, I want to soar! I want to grab each and every detail and string it together to form a line. I want to create vast swathes of places and areas over which I may overseer with complete tyrannical complexity and completely, like a man whose arms reach and touch the clouds, but with the same magnitude of scope and reach that he may touch the ground with every instance of stability, control, and naturalist sense that it offers. Empirical; wide-spread, wide-scale determination; power beyond the reach of a regular thinking human being; determination beyond that farthest seas. I desire to soar! Live through again and again and vicariously interpret everything into this choice selection, combination, or maximalist hoarding-like connection of items, that I may protrude myself with these items as my extensions. I am this epitome being. I have to consider everything with a greatest conceptualization, ideation, and piece-by-piece pincer-point precise demanding comprehensive deconstruction. I long to touch a dove and to rip it to shreds in my analysis, to appreciate it for what it is inside and out, and to see it for its aesthetic and glory. I am not a disrespecter of nature, but an appreciator, a cultivator of its hopes and dreams, a steward not that I might lord over it, but that I might bow down and subserve its goals and aims, for the sake of a glorious naturalist empire. I long to understand, not to take.

[REDACTED]


July 15, 21:27:07 – July 15, 23:36:23
Meta-Reflection: Sentimental Writing, Analyzing Grief, and Justifying the Analytical Path


Okay, so it has taken a while for my brain to recalibrate and think about things without diving deeply into a slumber. So now that I'm fully awake and have rested well, I think I should converse about subjects of interest today. We can start specifically with how the mind works and how it has maintained congruence over the course of the entire day yesterday, given that my cognition was impacted by the quality of sleep sustained in that time and the other variables which contributed to a landscape with diverse cogntiive requirements, those being the sentimental reflections with which I was engrossed. This sentimental and vivid character of my writings has maintained priority, alongside my more objective analyses and detail-oriented recollections, as an approach in contributing to my autobiography-journal. As mentioned in the previous journal entry, this character of my writings has been essential in distributing the groundwork for a clearer recognition of the variety of terms and ideas which I will assign to my more objective writings. This profusion of sentiment provides a data set by which more concise writings can manifest in a separate right, as it allows for a more eclectic interpretation which would otherwise remain to be unfounded and unstructured due to their highly abstract quality. As such, sentiment grounds abstraction.

In conclusion, it is not often the case that our brains are wired to distribute our knowledge without a degree of emphasis and de-emphasis such that we might envelop our ideas with a tinge of ourselves, even in small doses. This is crucially why it is of great import that any one action be underpinned by separate sentimental matters which would otherwise be invasive into an objective retort.

Moving forward, I have concerns as to how a man might be most vital in an operation concerning his aims and how he might achieve it. This is the crux of the matter of any writing, and I long to provide grounds in achieving an understanding of it.

Furthermore, if I might turn our face forward and return again without caring to demonstrate my own aims, then I have lost the countenance of hte people. This is why I am pressed to explain my efforts in candid detail, caring not to destroy the structures of communication lest I lose the tongue which provides me bread to eat and support whereby I may advance in any literary journey into my past. Nevertheless, it goes beyond a matter of economic necessity and moral support, as I may rather be stun-locked in a conversation than forget the values to which I have pinned myself. The key idea is that communication is a virtue.

I have attempted ways whereby I might achieve a slight improvement in my circumstances, by taking upon myself pretense and masks through which I may delve into others' "shoes", if I may declare them to be of interest in the development of my autobiographical and diaristic campaigns. This is how I study, not by a mere face-to-face ordination between two individual parties, but by a single-minded synthesis of spirit between I, the student, and the material through which my ideas more readily flourish. This is how I tend to my instances of consumptions well, by eschewing the need to approach things without a keyboard in hand to dot down my thoughts in superabundant detail, not with the intent to confront, but with the intent to provide fronting. This is how I can manage the copiosity of the world produced by my recollections, which have gained increasingly prominent importance due to the nature of memory and autobiographical writing. This is the onset of my recollective ambitions.

Let me give to you a piece of me in figurative language in the following.

Tending to the flocks of content, I sit down idly, preparing to engage in a writing spree, like a man preparing to hack away at the trees surrounding his abode. I emerge, like a lamb recently birthed under the caring wings of my lamb mother. I forgo any pretense which an adult might readily adopt as a shield, for I, childishly as I am, tenderly produce a necessary yelp at the sight of any disturbing thing, whether a fly or a bee. I take care to extend my wishes directly, tossing any fair warning off to the distance because I know best when I am most adventurous, even at the cost of some ordained safety by my parents. In any case, this lamb character of mine sustains the breathing fire upon which my writing becomes afloat.

The following further emphasizes my own underlying approach.

Breaths slow down my work, but they ready me for more determined expressions. I take care of what it means to be divine, not in a philosophical or spiritual sense, but in a metaphorical emotional idealistic one. I do things because I must recognize what must be documented, even at the cost of this beating heart which wishes sometimes to create order. I am for order, but order in a non-linear manner, one that hearkens unto pluralism and eclecticism. I will craft upon the birthplace of magic here my writing, because I am divinely ordained to do so. The world has produced all their necessary summits of glory and peace, and here I sit, recognizing this grandly awaited opportunity for the debut of characters or people like me to supervene. I am divine in that order of things.

There is another way of viewing my writing, and that is evident in the following.

I see grief as a perfect place to be ambitious. There is a tyrannical power to be made in the depths of grief, where the face is dull and jaded, smiling endlessly thin. There is this weird strangeness to it all, but in it, there is life, not the beautiful kind, but the wishing kind, the hopeful kind, the vengeful manic kind that wishes to consume all and become all. But this does not have to be negative. The grief of a thousand generations shall be embedded upon me! I shall strangulate this hope before letting it free, because it is a free bird. We are a free bird that must first be caged by our own limitations, ambitions, concerns, ideas, and approaches to life, before we are pushed into freedom, like a man punched and beaten before he is finally realized and ordained into the world. There is purpose underlying grief, greatness tucked away in the madnes of a jaded smile, beauty in the pain of a living generation of saints and peoples from near and fear. This synthesis of all things grief-related becomes this grand beautiful rage, not be overcome, but to burn brightly forever. We are a regular folk, but also a rageful one. I think... I can only stare at this world, and there I sit, here I lie. I am but a beagle, or an eagle. I am staring idly by, naught changing, nothing moving; nothing dancing; nothing singing. There is a joy in knowing the depth of pain and suffering, because it is divine, not because it was destined, but because... if there was anything else that it was, it would not be the same: I would not be the same. I am here and in pain because this is who I am. I am me as that which relates to my circumstances and my attempts and struggles in the midst of them. I am such a person. I wish I was stuck in that small world actually. But I guess this is loss. There is loss in knowing loss. Loss in awareness of that loss. Loss in that continued development of my reflections about loss. Loss in that hope. Loss in that grief. Loss in that purposeful stride because now it is all endowed with a beautiful light, that of loss. Everything that was done with great purpose is now recognized as one being of times past, such that it pays respect to its character of loss. This is changes. This is grief. This is loss. I do not want to do this and pretend, and that is the nature and glory of it. This is how I cope, by being honest and communicating about it. This is grief, loss, and the beauty therein. Of loss. By loss. Through loss that I may gain something of value, something worth holding, memory, keepsake, beautiful candid little thing. I know well that this is everything, and it is also an empty space of opportunity and growth. I remember that small world, and it was not the best thing in the world to the point that I did not want to grow up. But I know now that it was a beautiful time of my life, and maybe I can pretend for a little while now through recollection of that time that that world is still alive in me. But I know well that it is gone, and that is loss, something to be overcome. I can only accept it. I grew up, at my own wishes, and I improved, as the consequence of my own effort and goals. I am here right now, the epitome that my past self wanted, even if he did not know the particular pain of loss this way, the way it is now. This is how I am. I am the better me relative to my past self, but my past self, as unskilled as he was, is still someone who was a part of so many things that I now view as nothing-burgers. But at one point, I knew that I was surrounded by these walls whereby I could imagine through and see a bright glorious future and place of hope. But these walls have been broken down, and I am unbound. I am free, and I am relentless. I am committed and motivated and utterly angry and mad that I am here and still here breathing, because that means that I would have to record everything, wouldn't I? I sit here knowing that I am the epitome of grace and beauty, that which my past self wishes to achieve. Yet I experience nostalgia. That is grief.

I think the small world was a place where I cried, was lost, relied upon grand narrative structures, and held onto dream-like imaginations to cope and find my curiosity satiated. This was how painful it was and how weak I was at the time. It was only when I gained strength when I could not just sit idly and pretend. Internal conflict supervened as a result of skill, proficiency, knowledge, and experience. This is what I mean by nostalgia for that small place. It is like wishing that one were still a baby who was as fragile as a butterfly. It is a way of saying that one wishes that power is responsibility and discretion, and that it can be heavy, maybe not heavier than being a weak child, but heavy on its own right. Power is better than being powerless if we're speaking in terms of growth, development, and maturity, because a child cannot make true his wishes and can only imagine. But an adult can more readily accomplish things and make decisions related to his wishes. While it means compromise as well, it also means newfound complexity and nuance that amplify beauty and the character of wishes. They create this self-reinforcing place that reaches the concrete world, and once that happens, it manifests as internal conflict. There is something conflicting about dealing with wishes in the concrete world, because the real world is complex, while the wishes are not. It is like trying to marry 2D objects into the 3D world. It will not happen without compromise and some nuanced understanding of the way reality works. Wishes can be so reliant upon their abstract, sentimental, and imaginitive nature that when they are exposed to the light of reality, they then become sources of internal conflict. It is damning (arduously challenging and in an emotional way) sometimes, but it is necessary to go through the transition of wishes to concrete reality. And grief and the "small world" are both features of that process.

I am afraid of beauty... I have always found beauty to be a terrifying thing... And that was what I experienced most in that small world. Beauty all around me. I saw it all the time, and I could not avoid it. That was what made life bearable at the time.

But now... I see all of it now as this painful memory. It is a painful memory because beauty reminds me of loss now. What once was beauty has now become attached or related to loss and life events. It is how the memory shuns the mind of this nature of my experiences. It is how the brain copes with everything, because memories are very fragile. Yet because they are fragile, they are very interconnected. This makes life events that change everything ripple across my entire life. The beauty that I once knew everywhere became this memory of that LOSS.

It is why I get nostalgic. I listen to Minecraft music not because I miss older Minecraft necessarily, but I miss a time of my life before those traumatic events. I miss the time of my life before I was blotted and crushed under stone, removed and made devoid of all purpose. And for what? Nothing it seems. It seems that all of it served the purpose in making me the person I am now that I might hopefully turn all of my vast, rich past into something that can be read in a book.

A place of beauty was what that small world was.

But the reality is that my past was very complex. It was not all sunshine and rainbows, and much of it was very banal and normal-feeling, like waiting in a line, waiting for an event to begin, and conversing with people that I knew. It was very casual and not grandiose at all.

But I guess my mind remembers all of that as something beautiful, even if it was all very banal, because all of those banal things are now gone. It sees the banality of it all as the beauty of it all. The beautiful peaks of those times of my life also contributed to this nostalgic memory of it.

My present circumstances are actually one that will definitely arouse nostalgia in the future, given that it is a time of much change and evolution in my circumstances and approach to life. This is a time of great development.

But damn. I cannot pretend not to feel nostalgic over the past with my younger self playing games that were so-so. It was not as if those games are still crazy-awesome that I would play them again today. I don't know. For the sake of nostalgia? But not so much.

It is great to reminisce, but not necessarily to experience them again with my present understanding.

It is not that the past was particularly different. It was that I was particularly different. The games may be just a bunch of games, but the experiences, memories, and fun that I had playing them brings me nostalgia. The person that I was growing up was also much different.

The key idea is that I have not changed much in the sense that I am still myself. Yet, because so much has changed since then in terms of what I experience over the course of years. In the past, I experienced many recurring things that lasted years, but those are no longer relevant. Nowadays, I am changing very rapidly, more than I can anticipate, because I have readily found repetition and am now in the process of streamlining my life. The autobiography-journal is only making that easier. It is streamlining through systematic addressal of everything that I experienced, saw, and learned.

It was not as if the past was slower or faster. It is not that at all. It is more so that the past was just a different era of my life. And this present young adulthood stage is a different era of my life, not just because of age, but because my lifestyle has changed drastically as well. I went from experiencing all kinds of experiences, being outgoing, traveling, befriending hundreds of people, going to community events around my region like camps, seminars, prayer meetings, sports fests, literary fests, and music fests, among others, and being part of a large district full of different zones full of different communities, to someone who sits in my room all day everyday and writes, studies, recollects, reflects, analyzes, synthesizes, and collects data. The much diversity of my life has been narrowed down to this.

Simply, culture and my life has changed. The world has changed for me so much. My world has changed so much.

Beauty can be defined as experiences that bring fulfillment such as fulfilling social experiences that contribute to role definition, identity formation, and general acceptance among peers as part of a community; and activities that contribute to cognitive and creative fulfillment, including when I was creating Roblox games, playing Flash games and using level editors, watching family movies, particularly animation and fantasy live action, playing outside games with classmates, friends, and siblings, among many others. But it is much more than this, as the brain creates so much that these activities cannot.

Loss has made me more empathetic and favorable toward expressing negative emotions in writing, whether in fiction or non-fiction, finding that to be cathartic. For reference, my writings in 2016 was not the same as my writings in 2021. It took time for my brain to adjust to grief, and it took time for my writings to reflect that, as my brain had yet to process everything, taking years to do so, only seeing much explicit systematic use of sentimental writing starting in 2023 with the onset of the autobiography-journal and gaining further solidification of systematicness in 2024, this year.

Writing, reflection, and streamlining has contributed to a stronger sense of self, like a constitution and history books for a country. It provides an empirical sensory experience-oriented basis, which makes simpler, more responsive, and more proactive self-governance and management, because it acts in accordance to an evidence-based framework instead of wishes that are too strict, too vague, and too black and white.

It is hard to say exactly how beauty has shifted without diving into the specifics, given how generic, boring, non-descript, and generally applicable it can be without such context and particulars, but I will try in the following.

Beauty is still the same, but it is now made more nuance by grief. My music and writings in particular have become much more complex and nuanced. I would say that my music, specifically my singing and guitar, violin, and piano playing, has become much better as a result of my more complex emotions. It is only recently that I got much better at music, and grief was a prime motivator. As for what types of experiences I now find fulfilling, there are too many, but for the most part, I spend my days writing about everything rather than experiencing things directly. For instance, rather than going through Minecraft, I reflect upon it and write down about nostalgia. I write down much about this feeling, and I explore my complex feelings in fiction novels and in my autobiography-journal.

My writing is only going to become much more explicit, delving into more and more objective analyses that dive into my previous interests and experiences, with future fiction writings resulting from an overflow of my growing corpus of recollections, reflections, analyses, and data collections.

Loss and change has made me turn to analytical appreciation as a way to define meaning and purpose; however, I have said the following in previous journal entries many times. I am fulfilled, and my life is sufficient. I could have died many times, but the meaning and purpose is already well-defined and established without need for further embellishment. My current writings are how I manage my daily ambitions, feelings, and ideas, which connects smoothly into that need to create purposeful and meaningful work and experience. This is the experience of a lifetime.

Analysis allows me to separate two different things and appreciate them both, but in the end, a combination of sentimental passages, more objective analyses, reflections, and data are often the best way to write about beauty. Direct experience would come first nonetheless.

I mention "explicit" and "analytical" because it will become more so as a result of increased accumulation and growth in proficiency and skill, but not in the sense that it will impinge upon a sentimental approach. In fact, it will benefit it.

I see direct experience as something that can only be managed through systematicness, because I clearly struggle to do anything without becoming engrossed in memories and recollection. Analytical writing, for one, allows me to externalize the depth of my experiences so that I can maintain the immersion and "purity" (presentness) of my direct experiences.


July 16, 00:04:38 – July 16, 10:25:40
Seeking New Associations: A Detailed Review of Brainstorming Ideas and Current Practices


can you help me with ideas right now? It is not that I lack ideas. I just need something new to think about, because I feel like my mind is like a mouse stuck in a maze after trying numerous paths. But that does not mean that the current things I can think about are not worth the effort, but it is more so that at this very moment, it is more productive to get out of this maze that I have created by diving deep.

Studying so much and writing much about everything has made it hard for me to see wods and feel like things make sense. I cannot even go outside and pretend because I've travelled so much already. I am both highly experienced both digitally, in real life, and in introspection. It is weird. I want to abandon all previous associations right now, without repeating what I already know, understand, and have experienced before.
Can you weirdly or strangely or in a postmodern way with weird vocabulary and see if that sticks? Just talk to me about the topic in that way. Don't actually diverge from the topic.

Adogred beatn surrey nally dally martu karter lomeenn dayo zati bitte lomen drit siki muta Is est Nomen mihi est Samuel. Quid est tu?

You know what... I tried doing Latin to take my time, but I honestly just don't want to do it right now, given that I have already spent much effort in learning German on a previous occassion.

So anyway, let me recap a previous statement.

I have experienced so much that I feel like I need to abandon all previous associations without repeating the past.

Do not write vividly like that anymore. Just write normally or specifically. I am tired of vivid language, and I feel like I need something straightforward or more actionable right now. Even vivid language is starting to feel all too familiar, and those that are not familiar are too heavy a task to act upon. I am also trying not to do anything too harsh on my mind, as I have limits.

I haven't needed to declutter in a long while because I have already decluttered many times and have made a setup that works well for me; though it is highly specialized to sitting at the desk, studying, and writing all day everyday. But that is good too, given that it is streamlined for what I prefer doing all the time anyway. I also have instruments in this room, so I am not too limited. I also have a drawing pad.

I also already have an autobiography-journal that is around a million words long. I average 7,800 written words everyday.

Maybe I should use mind maps, but I think that can only enforce previous associates and construct structuralist and modernist paradigms that are conducive to bureacratic thinking. I need new associations everyday, and that is why I reflect upon the past, because it serves as a way to demonstrate in words what has only been sensory experience.

I have experienced much already in my life, travelled much, met and talked with hundreds of people, and travelled around the Internet and digital world as well much. I am not surprised as I would like to be anymore.

Any ideas?

give examples for each

Ok, I did something that involved getting into a 4-hour meditative trance, and I feel a lot more relaxed and open. But I still feel that I could use new ideas even now. To give you feedback, what you're doing already sounds great. I mean, "Reverse your day" is definitely something I've done, and that is why I maintain a flexible schedule, because I want to make sure that my creative highs and lows are systematically captured in writing. Though rather than documenting my highs and lows, I let myself flow analytically, whatever topic may be of interest.

I also write poetic prose frequently, so I do not need to do so, though I may one day consider poems. But because they require a different formatting. I tend to avoid them and focus on writing on plain text. I have this approach, you see, called the extensive plain text single file (EPTSF) approach. It is a really fun won, and working with plain texts on a single file that can go up to a million words summarizes it.

Creating a non-narrative piece of art has also been within my crosshairs, but I have been avoiding drawing lately, as I am in the mood for documentation, having dedicated much time drawing already and am currently on a bread. However, I do tend to draw like the one you mentioned—letting the lines and shapes form organically. I prefer representational drawing; yet I choose non-representational techniques, such as not using photos to imitate as reference.

I have also spent much time exploring all manner of topics that most people would normally avoid, and while I have not explored everything, I am at a point where taking the time to go through it all will require firstly an autobiography-journal and an effective system in place to address them as they come, rather than consuming merely without a thought. This is why much of my recent efforts have been centralized into the autobiography-journal.

I have already written all kinds of characters; however, I tend to prefer eccentric protagonists, finding conversational writing to be tiring and dull to write. I've alwyas loved dialogue that is either eccentric or declaiming. That is why my characters can go into depth and really go at it without stopping, exposing their true character.  I have yet to write women that behave like teenagers though, as I tend to write them like I would with millenials. I take inspiration from the women I knew growing up, who were much more mature than I was, so they are often not hard to write, because they do not bicker. Maybe I am stereotyping, but when teenage women write teenage women from what I've seen from web novels, they have been frequently portrayed as hard to get along with and entitled. However, while I do say that the women I write are mature, they do exhibit all kinds of personalities, but they definitely do not speak like a teenage women from the 21st century. Well, I forgot to address that I do not write 21st century fiction, being a fantasy writer, and I despise writing characters in annoying ways, preferring characters that do not exhibit immaturity. If they exhibit childishness, I always focus on the positives.

I am very careful about embracing boredom, but I do allow myself to do nothing but stare at things that I do not care about. That is why I let myself scroll when I am at the bottom of the creativity barrel and have little left to think about. So scrolling allows me to reorganize my mind and filter out the thoughts so I can start sitting at the computer desk, writing, and thinking again.

I would prefer not to go offline too much, but I do like going outside periodically, once a month at least. And when I am outside, I often just stare outside the car window and sit down at a city cafe like Starbucks.

I do engage in mindful observations, but I want to expand my options beyond just eating delicious food, taking a shower, dancing, and other mindful activities that loosen the mind.

I have engaged much in stream-of-consciousness writing, but as mentioned earlier, I am calling for an opportunity for expansion.

I play musical instruments like the guitar, piano, violin, djembe, and recorder, and I sing. It may not seem like it, but even after all that, apparently, I may still want to find new cognitive associations. While I have always painted before, I prefer not having to make a mess and buy ingredients to throw away. I want to paint digitally, but I am waiting for my computer to get fixed. I draw instead on a drawing pad in the meantime.

I have not considered collaboring with someone outside my usual circle. I have tried several times, but I am very careful about doing it, because I know I can get sucked into toxic social environments and get lost in someone else's story, which is not ideal for me.

These are my thoughts.

I should emphasize that the above-stated trance lasted 4 hours.

I do want to consider writing in a physical journal, but I have seen just how challenging it is to document written words from a journal. I do not trust that the current trend of handwriting will continue into the future, given that I struggle to read cursive from the early 1900s. I would prefer abiding at least by a digital habit, as I have lost so many physical items to make space. I have already played around with numerous writing apps and text editors, using different fonts, font sizes, color themes, and many other things that I can do digitally. I code, so I have used text manipulation as well. I have considered adding images and audio, but I prefer to record videos and make sure that images are uploaded separately. If I am to combine text and images, it will be in a website or a LaTeX format. Now, I already have the autobiography in the LaTeX format, but I am very careful about doing this. I am using a plain text format in my writing currently because I find that writing like this streamlines for code text manipulation. I would prefer not to embrace limitations in the moment; however, I have already experimented with limitations in the past when I was still refining my writing and finding ways to make it more well-rounded and test out new approaches to writing. I have become a lot more well-rounded since then, but when it comes to limitations, I am focused on external limitations rather than experimental limitations with my writing. However, my current writing is well-rounded and highly flexible in a way that has become systematic, so I feel that it is a matter of dealing with the content of the writing and how I might collect data now and get my mind to comprehend, manage, and handle cognitively data, information, complexities, and nuances. I can easily write stories on the spot, as I have written much already and continue to do so from time to time; however, I choose to focus on new ways of expression. beyond narrative passages and poetic prose. As for a piece of musical composition, I tend to make my music impromptu and would prefer it that way for now.

I have already done a lot of observations before, but in the moment, I am attempting to expand my horizons beyond describing physical objects in my room like I have already done several times in previous occasions. But I want to begin taking pictures and considering how to write qualitative context for them. But this will take some time to process, given that while my writing has become much more systematic, my picture-taking has been taking the backseat, left to be limited to several proto-systematic photo albums, including a survey of the streets of an urban neighborhood and three separate botanical surveys. 

I have allowed my thoughts to wander, but I prefer that when I am in my room that whatever I am doing will afford me at least some kind of thread I can follow, whatever it may be, as long as my brain is active constantly. I do not mean to say that wandering thoughts are useful, but at the moment, I feel that it is much more productive if I leave the wandering thoughts to activities that are conducive to them, like taking a shower, eating, walking, and other mindful activities.

I have been listening to all kinds of music for a long time, exploring much. Recently, I decided to relax and focus only on ambient music for the most part, as this is a stage of reflection and dealing with the vastness and richness of the past, which ambient music resembles and envokes.

I do have a dream journal, but I am careful about writing everything, since they can end up consuming much time to write down. I priotize my actual real-life experiences than my dreams; however, I do have a long list of dream journal entries in stock.

While I have seen mood boards before, my mood boards have been largely coincidental rather than an intentional traditional mood board. I listen to videos with music, and these videos involve pictures and images. These create a particular mood by combining music, video, and images. My writings also add to the mood as well, but I do so much more than that. But I might consider mood boards more traditionally and consider establishing the term "mood board" as part of a methodology to define my organization and structure much better. Maybe, this can contribute to systematicness, though I have expressed wariness of 'external' applications like Notion and Obsidian that create partitions and dividers that may end up contributing to a false sense of systematicness, clarity, and quality when it is only the external application that is doing the heavy-lifting. This means that the reader, who sees the content without these external constructions, might find low-quality content without its safety wheels. In any case, mood boards do not seem this way.

My writing style is postmodern, pluralist, eclectic, post-structuralist, philosophical, surrealist, Romantic expressionist, and psychological-realist. So that is an open pallete that could use tweaking, but for now, this has been the style used in my previous novels. But I can write in a more traditional modernist style.

I have written several chapters where a main character was imagined in 21st century Earth where he belonged, as he was forcibly transported to a fantasy world. I might consider writing more about this, but I feel this will not be difficult to write, depending on the realism expected with different time periods, cultures, civilizations, societies, and social structures.

I notice that I have not actually written stories with true antagonists to the main character, as most of my stories have centered around internal conflict and trying to make sense of a chaotic world. This means that the characters all have their own backgrounds and conflicts, and the conflict is largely personal, interpersonal, societal, and cultural. This conflict is more grounded in reality; however, I should definitely consider writing antagonists. When it comes to foil characters, it is hard to say if I have written complete opposites, as my characters are very hard to track in terms of character development. That does not mean that I do not track them, but they are highly complex and nuanced, which makes them hard to bottle down or encapsulate by offering a foil character, because if characters are not archetypes, they cannot have complete and lasting foils, as they will either be corrupted, removed, or change as the story goes on, often drastically due to the build-up of events and factors upon their psyche.

I do love the idea of exploring forgotten characters, as I have written numerous stories that were not continued beyond a premise chapter. I have also written numerous characters that could be explore more in depth in my more established and longer novels. So I might consider the idea "Explore a forgotten character", since it sounds so appealing.

I am careful about using mind maps, as I would very much prefer writing and having AI language models analyze and respond to it as a way to generate summaries and new ways of looking at what I wrote. I have used AI language models to brainstorm a lot. Mind maps are too limiting, and it is like having a collection of headers, which I do not find appealing at all because I prefer the actual original content and its scope, without any visual graphic that gives a false sense of systematicness, precision, comprehensiveness, and clarity.

I would rather not use a "messy" document. As mentioned earlier, if it does not help me, it would just be artistic rather than writing necessarily. The use of different fonts, sizes, color, and handwritten notes and sketches can be helpful in a later LaTeX draft; however, this is the first plain text draft. In addition, I am very careful even with using Markdown and photos, but I do use them very sparingly, probably once every 200 journal entries, or rarer than that. In any case, I do intend to use my EPTSF into a database, but as said earlier, it is for later drafts or adaptations of the original plain text. I do intend on turning the EPTSF into a website, a PDF, and a databaes like the one by Anytype, Notion, or Obsidian in the future, but more likely the first two. 

I can use ambient music as a writing prompt; though it is like taking inspiration from a leaf and pretending as if that leaf was the master of my writing. In reality, I often do not writing prompts in the way it is traditionally interpreted. Having a life that is in itself a writing prompt spanning a great vastness and richness is often sufficient. Ambient music helps me get into the mood, and a traditional writing prompt can help. But it's not something that I'm not already doing with my entire life (i.e. as far as my autobiography-journal is within my active scope of cognitive comprehension).

I have tried recording the sounds of birds in the morning, but if I want to create more professional ambient music, that will take music production skills. I do not intend on taking this challenge on right now.

I do intend on writing down and describing photos and the context of each. Using the descriptions of these photos as inspiration is already a central part of the entire autobiography-journal, which already has more than 10,000 photos still yet to be illustrated in contextual writing.

I can easily use photo-prompts for my writing, but I guess inspiration from anywhere and everything. If I am to make this systematic, it would likely fall under a broader framework of empirical documentation and data collection, rather than anything necessarily systematic as it already comes with the whole package.

I already utilize AI-assisted "re-reading", and I have been doing it with my writings since the year 2023.

I have also used AI language models to generate "What If" scenarios, but I often avoid having the AI to brainstorm it directly and have it analyze my chosen scenarios instead. However, inevitably, in their analyses, the AI language model will help me brainstorm, whether I like or not, because that is communication in general. Though I would not specifically use the word "communication" here, but it does effectively serve as it.

As for blind writing, I have not taken effort into doing writing with a friend or someone that I don't know, because my friends are not really interested in reading or writing. When it comes to strangers online, I could do it, but I find that my writing style and voice is so strong that I think it will "arrogantly" monopolize the entire scene, or fall silent and be a mere editor.

Regarding cross-genre exploration, there are numerous novels I still have not read from genres I have not dabbled in much before. I recognize that, and I would definitely love to start reading, but not before I fulfill the current objectives of my autobiography-journal.

I have already gone into depth when it comes to describing themes in depth, as these are already parts of my methodology. I do engage in talks about recurring feelings, ideas, and concepts, and this is only becoming a lot more frequent and systematic.

When it comes to creating fiction micro-universes in terms of world-building, I have considered it, but I prefer writing from a human perspective. I do love to study academic texts, so that informs my writing somewhat. But the writing is largely focused on depicting the main character's perspective. I have written novel that go into narrative thematic depth, but even those were not necessarily realist in the sense that it has been world-built to be realist even in a fantasy capacity.

I have written a few passages about smells, but the reason why it can be difficult to address this is because I am still in the initial stages of my autobiography-journal, despite it being already around 1 million words. I am still covering much about my methodologies used and the general reflections, ideas, and feelings of events, experiences, and my life.

I already listen to music for my writing, but when it comes to composing music for aspects of my autobiography-journal, it will take time before I reach the point of systematicness when it is effective.

When it comes to revisiting older writings, I intend to analyze them and see how I might expand them while keeping the same style. However, this will be very difficult, as my voice has grown much and become much more definitive. This means that I might defaul to my voice in occasions and areas that my past writings failed to address due to it being in its initial stages.

I definitely intend to write down about my life in numerous ways so that it can be understood in many different ways, but this will take until the autobiography-journal is at least 10 million words ideally before any kind of serious adaptation will take place.

I have already engaged in freewriting with keywords, and I can easily do it anytime.

I have not engaged in dream-inspired writing yet, so that is a good idea. However, the reason I avoid writing down my dreams or paying attention to them too much is becuase of how vivid and engrossing they can be to the point of excess. As mentioned earlier or in a previous journal entry, I am focused right now on the scope of my real life.

I have considered writing a visual representation of my work, but besides photos, it will take much time before I can start making videos and other sorts of creative media to depict it and vary the different ways through which the autobiography-journal can be viewed maximally.

I should also mention about something I said in an earlier statement that the reason why my stories do not have true antagonists is because my main characters are both protagonist and antagonist. But I guess that basically equates to having no true external antagonist. But that is the context.

When it comes to conveying inner monologues, I have done this much with speaking; however, I have yet to deepen its development in the writing territory. However, I have utilized AI language models as a point of conversation, since my thoughts can end up becoming self-referential and repetitive if not guided with an instant-responding interlocutor.

I can easily look through my journal entries, but for now, I have not ran them through analyses. This would be an analysis of analyses, a "meta-analysis." I have not developed a systematic structure for the assessment of previous journal entries and their expansion into potential new cross-references and -analyses or even into creative forms like stories.

I have written many times about an inanimate object; however, I have not written it in regard to my own autobiographical life. I might consider doing this, but again, as with many methods, it is best to remain patient and to put them at a distance until the foundations have been laid.

Many of the journal entries that refer to experiences throughout my life have been non-linear montages of experiences. The autobiography-journal itself is a non-linear attempt at unmasking my entire world, life, perceptions, experiences, and reality from start to ongoing present.

I have written sensory descriptions of my past experiences and their accompanying locations, and I have also done character studies for real-life people. However, I may not have written one of myself yet. I have yet to create a systematic structure for writing character studies of my classmates and myself. I have laid some groundwork by having a text file within my LaTeX autobiography folder dedicated to individuals that I've known throughout my life by name; however, I have yet to fill them up and develop character studies of them, much less scattered collections of details for all of them.

I have little faith in implementing right now the concept of a personal glossary in the traditional format, as I find that the best glossary is by reading the autobiography-journal itself. But sooner or later, I will have a text file explaining how each term is used throughout the autobiography-journal, as there will be terms that I will use many more times than others because they capture a particular idea when no other word can.

I have considered how particular keywords and terms will have their own article or text file dedicated to them in the LaTeX adaptation of the original extensive plain text single file. This way, I can clearly show how they are used in diverse ways throughout the document and potentially make corrections where needed. However, I am very careful about making sure that whatever is written in the journal stays there, and any concern about these journal entries should come as additions and responses to entries I've already written rather than editing corrections. This way, it is systematic and ecosystemic.

I have considered writing about the emptiness, numbness, and dullness of the entirety of life, and I continue to write much about it. Expressing that feeling is easy, and I can write about it in one of the next journal entries in fact.

I have yet to reach a point in my journal where reflecting upon it feels cohesive and coherent, as scrolling through the journal entries, while it is much linear, coherent, standardized, and systematic than it used to be, is still insufficient, as they express the raw thoughts. They have not gone through much post–meta-analyses by myself, and I am aiming to reach the point of my journaling that I have addressed and described so much that the next thing to do is to meta-analyze. However, I believe that as time passes, my methodologies will solidify and become a lot more interconnected such that they will form an overarching seamlessness that allows for such fluidity of reflection and navigation.


July 16, 01:06:06
Considering Uncomfortable Actions and Missing Fantasy Stories


Should I try doing something that will make me feel uncomfortable like talking to people online? As in 

I miss so many fantasy stories.


July 16, 09:01:09
Plan to Respond to Selected Brainstorming Ideas


I will ignore some of the ideas above, mainly because I already do them. Let me list down the questions I will ignore in the following list.
- Explore a single theme in-depth:
- Create a "micro-universe":
- Write about smells:
- Create a "soundtrack" for your writing:

But I will respond to the following ideas.
- Revisit old writings with fresh eyes: 
- "Rewrite" your life:
- Freewriting with a "keyword": 
- "Dream-Inspired" Writing: 
- Create a visual representation of your work:
- Convert your writing into other mediums: 


July 16, 10:29:21 – July 16, 10:30:39
Resource Link: Rhaegar's (Azarinth Healer) Author Note on Web Novel Writing


The following link might be a very valuable archived author's note of how web novel writing is and what I've come to learn about it. It was written by Rhaegar on Royalroad in his web novel "Azarinth Healer" at "Chapter 174 Following The Trail".

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]


July 16, 10:57:03 – July 16, 10:58:07
The Primacy of the Former Apartment Porch's Rocky Texture Memory


I remember the rocky texture of the edge of the porch of our former apartment. Whenever I feel that I am familiar with that rocky texture, my mind does not feel that it came from places like resorts. No, those times at those resorts only were times of being reminded of something else. And that something else was the original place where I felt the rocky texture, on the edge of the porchof the former apartment.


July 16, 12:57:28 – July 16, 13:14:22
A Neighborhood Walk's Revelation: Contrasting Digital Growth with Physical Neglect and Renewing Outdoor Documentation Efforts


I went outside for a walk, and I intended to listen to music. However, I decided to start recording, which stopped the music automatically. The recording lasted 26 minutes and 31 seconds, so the walk was over 20 minutes long. I realized just now just how fat I have become. Not only that, but I realized just how much data I was able to collect from a single trip around my neighborhood with a phone camera. I could see so many details and memories that I've forgotten just because I decided to take a long walk. This demonstrates just how disconnected from normal daily life I have become in pursuit of developing my writing, studying of academic texts, and development of my familiarity with the Internet further and further as I began to connect the dots of consumption, self-documentation, writing, and studying. I have grown much in this area, but I have neglected to exercise and take care of my body. I have also neglected to record outside, but I understand why I was so focused on the digital world and on writing. It was only once I was good at writing and studying that I could feel that the viewpoint that I had moving forward would be effective. If I merely went outside without the depth of the growth since last year when I started the autobiography, it would not have had the same effect as when I went outside today after spending 50 days just averaging 7,800 written words for my autobiography-journal. Thanks to the sacrifice I made, I have reached this point where I can walk outside and take a video recording and actually feel that I can see the vividness, color, details, and beauty in my surroundings, compared to before I was able to address my vast, rich past through writing, self-documentation, and studying.

I would love to keep walking outside and taking video recordings, even if it is in the sun a little. I can bear it, like I used to when I was younger. It is actually enjoyable feeling that muscle ache again, and it is not unbearable. It is only very mild, since I know that muscle ache very well. I used to be a very passionate walker, as my mother liked to walk around a lot while traveling, walking for over an hour from time to time during our trips to community events together, since I liked to accompany her. I even walked to school frequently when I was in high school, as I felt that riding jeepneys (in the Philippines) was a waste of money, even if it was not that expensive at all. I was one of a kind, given my life experiences, and that was why I was different from the rest of my classmates, who did not grow up in homeschool like I did and did not travel, meet many people, and have all kinds of diverse experiences like I did. I am not saying I was better, but I have to realize that there was a reason that my classmates found me enigmatic, even if they could still get along with me. I became president in the first year, and I was top 1 in all quarters of the class. I may have been 1 year older than my classmates, which meant I was 1 year behind, but my particular upbringing made me excel because I was much more flexible, experienced, and knowledgeable, being able to handle situations with precision and clarity. However, I was not the best, but situationally, I could cope with a variety of situations much better and adjust to things faster, despite being highly expected from as the top 1, president, one of the class representatives in the first year after 4 years of homeschooling.

Anyway, returning to the video recording and to walking, while I was able to take a video recording that collected much data, it was not able to capture the memories associated with the combinations of smells that I encountered on that 20-minute walk. It was vivid and clear, and I felt this familiarity as if I never left into my room to focus on self-development. I want to continue to walk and see how much data I can gather while exercising through walking. I am also interested in whether I can analyze the footage and see if I can effectively analyze and write down everything. It might be better to walk around my neighborhood with a phone; however, it is much faster for me to wait until I get home, given that I type very quickly on the computer keyboard. In any case, I will go outside and walk, taking my phone with me to take video recordings in hopes that all of these videos will contribute to a more clearer understanding of my life and memories within this neighborhood. I said my self-documentation would start with my neighborhood, and that is still my goal. After that, I intended to go into the city and see how much I can capture, given that I had much life experiences all around here. I am wondering what is the limit of relying only on video recording to carry the data collection, given that it will definitely not be the same once I am at home, especially when the walk or video recording takes an hour or longer, at which point I might have lost the memories triggered by various combination of smells and senses along the way, which video alone fails to capture. 

I am still wondering how I can best achieve this, given the copiousness of the data and the potential for contextual and descriptive writing in response to the video recordings and the various data obtained through my firsthand experience by walking around my neighborhood, and soon, around my city as well.

The first few seconds of the video already had so much detail. This will take much to tackle, and I will have to be very patient if I am to analyze the frames precisely and comprehensively. I wonder if getting AI to analyze it is a good idea. It is 26 minutes, so it might be too long and the AI will, for sure, neglect numerous detail that I can only see. I will instead send the video to my computer where I can view it with the much larger screen of my computer monitor. Then, I will piece together frame by frame what I can gather from just 26 minutes of footage around my neighborhood. In the past, I could not even dare to discuss this in writing, as my thought process and my writing were still very much disconnected due to the character of non-fiction writing as opposed to fiction writing. The drastic improvement in the relationship between my non-fiction writing and thought process was one of my key accomplishments since the onset of the autobiography-journal. It takes time to get your mind finely interpreted, analyzed, and written down elegantly. The brain takes time to adjust to this habit such that they can handle averaging 7,800 words. It has been a long time, but we're finally here. This is a cause for celebration once again.

Anyway, I will send the video to my computer now as of writing.


July 16, 13:33:56 – July 16, 13:59:16
The "Eating Rocks" Challenge: Seeking Technical Vocabulary for Analyzing Philippine Neighborhood Architecture and Landscaping




analyze this picture. give me hard technical details

From what I've seen, the reason why the concrete is like that is because when they created those little dirt or gravel containers to mix the concrete in, and they did not clean it up, resulting in the road becoming miscolored. This was a case of a lack of regulation. Do you know the technical details about this? It is something I have seen only here in the Philippines, and it is probably something specific to where I live. Moreover, when one goes around the neighborhood, the road is more even-colored. For context, when I mentioned the concrete, I was referring to ones used to make buildings. The road was already finished, and the construction of buildings using concrete mixed in these gravel volcano-looking mounds which were placed on the road.

No, they do not use plastic. They use the actual road and use gravel to surround the concrete mix to create this volcano-like formation. This means that the concrete spills onto the road.

Damn, I'm trying to analyze all details of my neighborhood, but I realize now that this is not going to be easy, isn't it? I feel like I'm eating rocks trying to analyze the technical details of my neighborhood. Best I can do is identify the plants using an identifier, but if someone were to ask me about the condition and age of the plants, I would be clueless. I still have to keep studying; moreover, it's not just the plants. I want to analyze technically the buildings, their designs, the roads, the particular choices in making them, and all of that. I feel like I do not have the words to analyze them, and I can only give them narrative descriptions one would find in any novel. I want something more technical and highly specific. How should I approach this? I recorded a video while walking through my entire neighborhood, and there is copious detail. The issue is that it is challenging to go into it and truly analyze everything. It feels like I'm staring and trying to describe a bunch of colors as a person who can only see in black and white.

The issue is that none of the buildings fit obviously architectural designs. They have a style specific to the Philippines for the most part. It is hard to describe precisely, but there are buildings that are clearly more minimalist. I might need to study architecture in the Phillippines. However, there are also cases where there are plants growing around their homes. Are there studies for that? The practice of letting plants grow freely around homes; however, it is not all freely grown, as many flora are still kept tidy around. It is hard to define, and I might need to study much about Philippine construction materials, urban design, landscape design, road design and laws, and approaches to flora. There are so much detail to be found in a single picture that it is hard to say a word. I may need to go and use AI for each building to start off.

Here's a comprehensive summary incorporating all the details:

**Building:**

* Style:  Modern Filipino, single-story, tiled roof, lacking clear elements of a dominant style.
* Materials: 
    * Roof: Red clay terracotta tiles (shingle-like texture, running bond pattern)
    * Walls: Concrete or brick, painted light peach.
    * Windows: Iron grilles (security feature)
* Fence: 
    * Top: Decorative iron grille (possibly custom-designed)
    * Bottom: Concrete and brick (interlocking "X" motif embedded in concrete), painted light peach.

**Landscaping:**

* Plants: Ornamental and functional species
* Palm Trees: Two large palm trees (aesthetic appeal, tropical climate resilience)
* Shrubs: Dense green shrubs (privacy, visual appeal)
* Flowers: Red flowers (ornamental)


How do you know all about this? I mean. I had no idea about red clay terracotta tiles. I did not about shingle-like texture, running bond pattern, interlocking "X" motif embedded in concrete, . Where do these terms come from? I want to gain an understanding of such materials, textures, and patterns within architecture and design that I can recognize any design by sight. This will make my documentation much more effective. If I am to analyze with highly precise and comprehensive detail, I need to understand the terms. I am willing to study academic texts, given I have already been doing that for a while now.


July 17, 02:16:31 – July 17, 02:29:17
The Weight of Awareness: How Increased Study and Self-Documentation Erodes the Ability to Pretend


I'm a little sad that people know a lot about the world. I mean, that's a great thing, but seeing that people are aware of the potential abuses done by companies, authorities, and other hegemonies really makes me a little queasy. It is saddening to see that people are aware, but it is also great. It just reminds me of a time when I did not know all of this and just enjoyed playing Minecraft, Roblox, and League of Legends, but the older that I get, the more I discover the various bad things about the world. The Internet only makes it easier for me to discover people's thoughts, ideas, and familiarity with the bad things in this world. It is not that everyone is right all the time, but I do find many people who are well-aware. That reminds me of how much things have changed since I was a child for me. I feel so weirded out by how well aware we all are, yet how seemingly powerless we are in the face of all of this. Yet I realize that it was not just when I was a child. 3 years ago in 2021, I was not even trying to think about anything too much. I was still ignorant about a lot of things, because I was not spending my time reading academic texts yet copiously. Academic texts mixed with Youtube comment sections have allowed me to understand the world better, from an intellectual perspective and from a more grounded one. It is hard to pretend, and the world only gets a lot more definitive as time goes on for me. I can immediately see how challenging it would be to tackle everything. I can still go ahead and write an autobiography-journal documenting my entire life, but in this process, I know well that I will not be able to pretend anymore. It will one day be impossible for me to play Minecraft like I used to, and that is alright. One day, everything I will do will be marked by awareness, analysis, and documentation, because every single piece of media and sensory experience I've had throughout my entire life will be externally written down as part of the digital autobiography-journal. And it will be examined again and again. It will be full of examinations, and I will engage in meta-examinations and cite and create all these cross-polination of all my previous writings. This will create this interconnected recursive loop that will demolish any kind of disjointedness that used to allow me to pretend in my life. Once this mind of mine interconnects with the autobiography-journal to the point of becoming this entity of seamlessness, I know that it will no longer be what it used to be.

Ever since the start of my autobiography last year on July 4, 2023, I have been gradually shifting in my entire mindset; though the change truly occurred beginning on May 28, 2024, as this is when I started writing and studying a lot more. While I was already studying a lot in previous months since the autobiography onset, it was on June that I spent most of my time studying. My writing speed and quality increased, and I was able to address things I would not be able to address if I was distracted by the methodologies which have ended up plaguing me. It was only when the computer broke and I was forced to use my mother's laptop that I started having much free space in this head to streamline my writing and the way I view my autobiography-journal. This is the reason why I have become much more aware recently and a lot more concerned with how I'm going to be able to make sense of all of the dots I've connected together as a result of this period of increased devotion, dedication, commitment, and sacrifice. The last 50 days (today is 2:22 AM on the 51th day) has made it much easier for me to consume media with increasing awareness of my actions. Nevertheless, this is still nascent, and there is still much opportunity to grow.

In any case, returning to the main topic, since May 28, 2024, my life has taken a big shift, increasing the weight of consumption and deepening the intentionality of the things that I observe and consume. The reason for this is the growing copiousness of externalization, which has streamlined my thought process, as this makes it so that the usual heuristics which allow me to forgo plausibly analyzing media are diminishing with the growing capacity to manage complexity and nuance within this mind of mine with the central externalizer of refined writing-studying.

[REDACTED]


July 17, 04:16:29 – July 17, 11:03:40
The Rotating Lens: Managing Multiple Life Scopes, the Pain of Fullness, and the Foundational Role of the Autobiography-Journal


After taking the time to look around and think, I discovered different scopes of focus whereby I can gain access into this world that is challenging to make sense of. First, there is looking through my neighborhood and analyzing every detail about it, looking through the broader scale of the Internet, looking through my diet, exercise, and health, looking through the past with videos of the early 2010s, looking through the fiction worlds provided by web novels and fantasy ambient videos, and looking through the feeling of sitting down in my room everyday and writing.

It is hard to engage in all of these each and feel that I have truly reached a sense of congruence, enoughness, and acceptance with it. I have too many memories throughout my life, and it is hard to analyze every single thing. However, I will attempt to do so for the sake of my autobiography-journal. While it is challenging to keep up a well-rounded approach to growth and learning, I will keep trying.

The "rotating lens system" is a good way to look at this well-rounded approach, since that is basically what I do anyway. It takes time and patience, and I recognize that. Part of me wishes that I could write down about everything, but for the most part, even after writing about so many things, I recognize that I still have many tasks yet to be done and completed. It is an ongoing process, and it might take years before I am able to tackle certain challenges. For instance, while editing videos sounds ideal, it will likely take years of writing in my autobiography-journal before I feel that I have refined my methodologies for self-documentation, writing, and studying such that making videos feels justified. Of course, if I do feel the opportunity is right, then I can make videos here and there, but based on the current pace of things since May 28, 2024, 50 days ago, my autobiography-journal will be an essential underpinning for everything that I desire to accomplish later on, since it addresses and externalizes things directly and without the challenges of medium anymore, since I have grown and developed much in this area such that I can average 7,800 written words everyday. That is why I am here.

I have created a kingdom, if I think about it; however, in comparison to the depth, heights, and potential yet to be touched, it is still a tiny little pond that I visit everyday in hopes of stimulating growth with my little 7,800 words. I know well great motivation is the central reason why I am still here and even expecting it to grow. Moreover, I recognize the accomplishments preceding this day where I now stare at wider canvases and larger landscapes whereby I am to deliver my optimal effort, if I am to succeed in any further capacity. This is my stand and the development of my refinement.

There is much to consider in this journey, and previously, I have written fiction works in response to the various real things which have plagued my mind, but which I have largely found little success in documenting in words. However, 50 days ago, I began a new trip marked by increased accomplishments in the self-documentation realm, and every step fructifies groundworks that have been established throughout my sensory experiences and which my earlier expressions have addressed but have failed to externalize more permanently and systematize. This presents a newfound establishment of empirical systematic investigation.

To celebrate, in 408,751 words in 51 days, I have reached an average of 8014.7 words per day.

I would love to keep writing and to keep developing. However, as time passes, I know that I only grow more weirded out by things, and I wish only to be free from the limitations of my life. I wish to become perfection, and part of me wishes for that even now. Fiction writing has allowed me not necessarily to create wish fulfillment, but the very act of imagining fiction worlds gives me a sense of control that would otherwise be absent or perceptively weakened in the real world. While my fiction stories might not capture worlds of ease and simplicity, they offer a more simplistic viewpoint of the world, as they focus on narration and vivid figurative description, even at the cost of the complexities and nuances inherent within reality. This ease of creation compared to the challenges of tackling reality is where the feeling of comfort comes from, whatever the genre or story written, as the very act of creation represents an attempt to control reality. And that attempt yields feelings of security, privacy, and comfort. Moreover, while if it does not directly control reality itself, it does develop one's ability to capture ideas in writing, even in a fictional capacity, as vividness, figuration, description, narration, and precise use of language are essential skills even in the development of effective non-fiction writing. In the end, even my autobiography-journal, while non-fiction, covers only a small pond.

Realizing the limitations of even 400,000 words allows me to realize how hard it must be for most people who do not spend all day everyday averaging 8,000 written words everyday. This means that most people live very unsystematized and unexternalized lives, often relying upon heuristics, peers, and instincts to navigate important decisions like which school to pick, how to manage their diet, and how to navigate loss and grief. This is not necessarily bad, as social structures provide much in the way of development. However, as a person who has experienced much in their formative years, which included traveling, having all kinds of physical and digital experiences, meeting and befriending hundreds of people, going to so many community events, and being part of large communities, among others, I know that all of this means nothing if the person themselves makes little use of it and even forgets all of it. My autobiography-journal represents not only the development of all of these sensory experiences, knowledge, and history; however, it also marks the divergence of my life from most people, both in spite and because of my recognition of the limitations of the small pond.

The following is a more emotional expression of my relationship with my autobiography-journal and with my life.

I have lived too long. I know this. I have seen too much. The only thing I can do is for me to make sense of, externalize, and systematize it. This is how I navigate both the pain of having so much and the pain of forgetting.

Many people might struggle with having lived at all, but many others struggle with carrying the weight of a full, fulfilled, and realized life. There is much to gain in loss, and there is much to lose in gaining. Forgetting is what tends to happen to such instances of fullness; however, this solution is frequently retrospectively despised, even if individuals suffering from fullness do presently express a wish to forget. I personally have experienced this.

It is not simply about the pain, because fullness is the realization that everything occurred and was real. That recollection can come as a shock or a painful ache, because beauty can be overwhelming. Greatness, beauty, complexity, an eclectic and pluralist life, and nuance can be overwhelming, even if it is not necessarily negative. That is the "thesis statement" of living with fullness, with its themes of forgetting, remembering, and sense-making.

To summarize the foregoing idea, the vastness and richness of a full life is like a tidal wave cognitively and psycholoigcally, and both remembering and forgetting present two ways to tackle this. Remembering is preferred once one has reached a threshold of "moving on," but it presents challenges due to the overwhelming character of recollection. Forgetting is wished for, but it is often disliked in the case of a fulfilling life, even if recollection is painful.

This is why people are afraid of seeing their parents forget them because of dementia. Even people themselves are afraid of exhibiting forgetfulness and dementia, and their nostalgia and expressions of the fear of forgetting demonstrates this. People want to move on, but people do not want to forget forever. There is a point in many people's lives, if given enough individual privacy, time, resources, and space for introspection, that people wish to sensify their life. There is a key difference between moving on and losing one's memories.

No one wants to wake up one day not knowing what a dog is, in the sense that they wake up and only know the dictionary definition of it and not the numerous life experiences associated with the abstract term "dog". People do not want to lose sight of what are generally basic ideas given much meaning through sensory experiences.

Animated films, for one, expand the definitions of basic ideas by imbuing them with emotion, philosophy, context, and all manner of complexities and nuances that would otherwise be absent if one gazed only at the dictionary definition.

This is why people remember their favorite media well and would prefer not to forget them. My mother remembers well the 1980 film "Somewhere in Time" and remembers learning how to play its theme song on the piano when she was 9 years old. Her mind recognizes the value of this film in expanding her definitions of basic ideas, thus giving an instance of an element critical for identify formation.

This is why part of the agenda of my autobiography-journal involves taking great care in analyzing the personal impact of media I've consumed throughout my life. I have already made numerous lists of Flash games, films, anime, manga, and web novels; however, they are currently still items in a list. I am still in the initial stage of the autobiography-journal, despite already producing around 1 million words. Sooner or later, I will expand the definitions of the list items and go into depth when it comes to their impact of my life. I have not included every single children's book I have read, and it will be hard to search for them since I set up for them to be given away before I started the autobiography-journal. Now that they have been given away, I will have to focus on what I can document now and the children' stories that I do remember. While it is challenging dealing with loss, learning to work alongside it will be critical to the development of my self-documentation.

I find it interesting that my ignorance of the potential for total change was central to my fantasy of being in a spaceship and reading books all day everyday perpetually as an immortal and the fantasy of being in an immortal library as an immortal forever and ever just reading books. I did not realize that writing, studying books, and reflection would change my life such that I no longer can just view things normally. There was a time when I idealized and romanticized the act of reading, writing, and studying. It is not that I do not feel positively toward them now; however, the expansion of my viewpoint has made a naturalist and realist viewpoint more feasible. I do not require such idealistic fantasies to motivate me now. But part of me feels that opening room for them would make me start reading and writing fiction again in great quantities.

Besides this, I also noticed that I watched a political commentator on Twitch for 4 hours and 15 minutes, and I realized that I felt grounded after watching it. I even took a shower, which grounded me even more. The fact that political commentation made me feel grounded shows just how abstract and theoretical the autobiography-journal is, even while it does detail empirical sensory experiences. If we're speaking merely about the effect of the autobiography-journal, it can be naturalist and realist as in it covers real experiences dispassionately. However, it also goes into emotional depth, and more importantly, it goes into analytical depth, which can have a theoretical, abstract feel.


July 17, 12:29:16
Preliminary Questioning of Systemic Critiques Beyond Socialism and Capitalism


I find it very interesting that China is being propped up as this murderer of ethnic groups due to their socialist system, and it's true. However, I also find it highly critical to suggest that policies under a capitalist system is necessarily more productive to pluralism. I feel that blaming socialism, monarchy, and capitalism should not be firstly forwarded as a premise in this case becuase it ends up just being pointing out issues and using it to justify the purchase of thrown criticism at wide angles. I feel that it is more so a matter of how power is used that determines effectively whether something is bad, and that can be determined by the system used. However, it is not so simple, given that the current examples in place are not necessarily the only definition each system can carry. The atrocities that occurred during the absolute rule under King Leopold II of Belgium do not indicate that monarchy is bad. This can be viewed the same as the atrocities done by the communist system. Capitalism 


July 17, 13:08:44 – July 18, 00:37:16
Echoes of Melville and a Deep Critique of "Isekai Nonbiri Nōka": Unpacking Utopianism, Autocracy, and "Non-ness"


Why was Melville not popular?

Interesting... I feel that I'm experiencing it today with a particular fantasy web novel community. They prefer straightforward narrative styles, Gary Stus, progressive fantasy action stories, and witty (in a ironic, sarcastic, and cool teenage way) dialogue, and as soon as I begin writing in a surrealist, postmodern, post-structuralist, Romantic expressionist, philosophical, and psychological realist manner, people start complaining and criticizing it. Though I do not think people will care about it in the future.

I'm physically incapable of writing a story and making it popular-generic. My writing style is the brainchild of my life, and I did not live a normal life. When my life was alright and going well, my writing style was somewhat generic and scattered and resembled fantasy LitRPG webnovels. However, maybe because of life events, my writing style became much different, especially since I was given time, space, privacy, and resources to reflect upon everything.

I just realized that I share Melville's tendency of including Biblical allusions and resembling the rhythm and style. That is weird to me. In my stories, I have also included the main character being afraid of being a man, which resembles Melville's writings as well.

Knowing this makes me a little queasy. I don't like feeling like I'm just a Melville copy. But I guess it does not matter as long as my voice is precisely expressed.

The weird thing is that I was not necessarily influenced by Melville, as I have never read his words in written form. Well, I did read visual comics of his work "Moby Dick", but I did not directly take inspiration from him. I just noticed the similarities now, but I developed my style independently.

I feel that BIblical allusions and style and the topic of gender are not particularly Melville concepts anyway. So since I have consumed much media, it is fair to say that it was developed independently but dependent upon all of the media I consumed. Specifically, I consumed numerous children's books, several visual novels, academic texts, animated films, live-action films, manga, anime, TV shows, Flash games, Roblox, Minecraft, League of Legends, and many other video games, and web novels. Besides media, I travelled much, befriended hundreds of people, went to so many community events such as camps, seminars, literary fests, music fests, and sports fests, went to so many places, and been part of so many group dynamics and experiences. The Internet has been instrumental moving forward as well, through Youtube videos, Twitch livestreaming, and other social media sites like Twitter, Reddit, Facebook, and Instagram. It goes on and on, including musical instruments like guitar, singing, and piano, dancing, drawing, working out, coding games, and writing an autobiography-journal, among many others. But this is not everything.

That is why one focus of my autobiography-journal is on media consumed throughout my life. It is essential to any creative I feel to have a list of influences, sources, citations, and references, lest one pretends as if they are born out of nothing and taught on thin air.

Let's start with the following manga that I enjoyed reading and in which I felt immersed. Farming Life in Another World, or Isekai Nonbiri Nōka, was originally a light novel written by Kinosuke Naito and illustrated (book cover) by Yasumo (やすも). I did not read this light novel, but I read its manga adaptation, which was illustrated by Yasuyuki Tsurugi.

To start, my first experience with the manga happened around 2018 to 2020, though most likely being around 2019. I likely read it in an aggregator called "Manga Rock" when it was still active. It was one of the first novels that I remember and enjoyed.

I remember that when the manga first came into the scene with the first chapter. It was simple.

I remember well the feeling of reading Nonbiri, and it was strange because I remember that it was this simple story. But after reading the story again, I saw that it was a lot more detailed than I realized. It is interesting to realize that since reading it in the past, I have learned much with regard to art. So that might have impacted my ability to assess manga art, given that when I read it in the past, I was still relatively new to manga as well. My relationship with art, music, and with storytelling has changed much since I last read it.

In essence, three relationships have changed since I last read it: with art, music, and storytelling.

Now, let me quote the following description of the plot from the Wikipedia webpage of the light novel.

“Hiraku dies purely by accident due to a God not giving him good luck, so he reincarnated him in another world as an apology; even turning a holy artifact into a multi-purpose tool for him. This new life for Hiraku ends up becoming quite odd, slowly building a community and village of differing species; with him serving as their mayor.”

The world is a cruel place, though, isn’t that right? How can a person be so sure of his own position within society that he can say that [there is] a sufficient haven for him: a utopia that consists [of such] but subsists in stupidity, the very epitome [of] primitivist claims and desires, the wish to be one with this non-desire,  or this weak desire in the face of much to conquer. What is then this request that he brings to the table? This desire to control is only a sign of his weak mind. Alternatively, it is a sign of his strange affiliations with foolish and playful thoughts, that he might consider himself worthy of this jurisdiction, such that he might consider all to be within his purview, as long as it grants him his safe-haven.

I understand that primitivism as an emotional ideal has been one that has allowed people to cope with the excesses of capitalism, which, through the unitization of human beings, leverages the strength of socialized strive. When human beings are separated from this strive and transferred to a laborial pen (segregate-container), they can experience feelings of alienation and derivation (in the sense that their minds are displaced due to the mismatch between the strive of the mind and the occupation of the body. The laborial-powers (management and corporation) create surplus in this segregation and derivation, by producing strive through bodily detachment and alienation.

However, even if primitivist or idyllic sceneries provide comfort, if we are taking them seriously, they are stupid. They are a bunch of nothing-burgers who live in utopianism that allowed people like Mao to get away with millions of deaths. This is the epitome of utopianism, by the millions of deaths produced. When nuance is disregarded for utopian idealism (not idealism itself, which can be pragmatic), there is segregation away from the pluralism of reality and different ethnic groups into a world monolithic homogenous simplistic utopian linearity that produces only frustrations in the appearance of dead bodies.

Now, moving forward, let me clarify that I will use the term “Nonbiri” in particular to the foregoing story.

Anyway, Nonbiri has introduced elements whereby a reader might be left comforted in this idea of ‘much-sufficiency.’ To explain, this is not primitivism, as this includes the use of magical powers and tools in order to create this community-world. The author goes to great lengths to expand upon this community by introducing characters, who, by themselves, are representations of a more pluralist world full of different human species like vampires, ect. However, the author chooses against complexifying them, which is not an issue. I will not view that as a fault. However, it remains of vital importance to recognize that the initial chapters already stage for this assumption that the ideal life exists in farming with magical powers and making a community formed out of immigrants and settlers. However, my use of immigrants and settlers should be seen as that being the importing of community-members from larger community-structures that by themselves are creations of long-lasting traditions and complexities. So the author’s choice of having a protagonist that imports human beings (functionally human in the social aspect) from complex societies introduces this idea of coming-together to make a small primitivist community. However, the author does not make it primitivist, but magical. It is one that relies on the surplus of magic, and the author does not illustrate the potential consequences of importation of eclectic cultures and species into a single pluralist eclectic community. Instead, he focuses on how such a vision can invite others to believe in the power of settlement and community-creation with the intent of bringing others together. This starts firstly with the protagonist’s intention and desire to live as a farmer, the typical difficulties and challenges whereof are trimmed. This sets the stage for utopian magic-surplus farming and community-building.

However, while the community is founded upon pluralism and eclecticism, with the first members other than the protagonist being of two different species, it is one of reliance upon a saint-king-god in the form of a single everyman farmer, which can be compared well into the utopian ideals of Mao and Stalin, even in their agricultural failures and their creation of farmer grievances.

The idea of one man pre-solving all intercommunity challenge with his presence being the uniting element such that he has intercourse with numerous species present, though with two main wives, even with the numerous concubines who “presented themselves” voluntarily to the protagonist given that he created all of this and made everything good: is a striking image that resonates well with the ideals of Saint-King-God-Farmer autocracy. “Saint” repesents the protagonist’s building of statues to praise the God who sent him there. “King” represents his Biblical position as lord with his wives and concubines. “God” represents the deifying behavior he receives totally from the members of his community. “Farmer” represents the illusion of hard work and community labor, given that he uses magical powers that preclude such.

Propaganda and a leader's choice of attire often emphasize the idea of a farmer in the leader, the people's man. the rural people's man, the man of the people. This is what I see instantly when I see the protagonist when he perpetually walks with his farmer clothes and his farmer-looking magical tool that is actually an actualizing magical power, on top of the permanent magical benefits he was given by the God like immunity to sickness. This combines both the Farmer and the God (e.g. Hindu and Chinese gods) of legends.

To add, he has also used the magical farming-looking tool to kill a dragon. This again combines both the farmer appearance of his tool and attire and the God of legends.

Any feat of greatness like the above-stated dragon killing only establishes his Saint-King-God-Farmer purview and its "divine deservedness", "divine destinedness", and "divine ordainedness".

Everything is portrayed as grounded and pre-correct (correct before the fact), and there is no inquiry, questioning, and assumption-breaking. There is no self-awareness. There is only this pre-deservedness (deservedness before the fact). There is only this pre-rightness. It is this idea that it has always been this way, and it is right because it is. It is this seamless divine deservedness, destinedness, and ordainedness.

'Non-ness' is how I might best define it. There is this idea that inquiry, questioning, self-awareness, and issue-addressing as obstacles. It is this idea that all is right before it has all happened. It is this happy place of non-history, non-culture (non-difference), and non-otherness. It is this world defined solely by itself, maintained solely by itself, and navigated solely by itself for its own purposes and benefit. It develops history through the non-questioned "essence of life". It acts linearly like two parallel lines.

It is this non-agency, non-individuality, non-humanity, non–sensual experience, non-emotion, and non-anything. I say it is non-emotion because if there is only one emotion, it is effectively non-emotion due to its seamless lack of distribution over a wider palette. It is like staring at a single color without any difference in tone and changes in the way it appears through potential eye strain. No, even, here there is no difference because there is no eye strain. It is this non-ness.

It is about human erasure by emphasizing the idea that such a defacing, marginalizing (due to being merely demonized as non-changing static evil monsters), and homogenizing unity is ideal and such a one-man autocracy is the ideal. It is hell.

It is about manufacturing consent by making readers okay with such an idea by idealizing and romanticizing it.

No need for censorship when people openly despise everything that threatens their "contentment," and this "everything" can include anything that points to the non-binaryness, pluralism, eclecticism, complexity, and nuance of reality. It is this idea that it has always been (structuralism and modernism), so it must be right in a way that it must be pre-right or pre-objective.

It ties well into the thinking of "I am strong, so I deserve as much as my strength." There is no idea of strength except tales of wealth and masculinity that emerged only relatively recently. There is no strength that has lasted throughout time: there is only the historical instances of "strength" that have been incorporated into the present day because they fit recent people's views and allow people to create "objective" justification.

It plays into a particular idea of "it's-for-your-own-good" entitlement. Specifically, it is of "I am strong, and I help you. So I deserve everything, including total control, because I am a sacrificial farmer."

Now, to be clear, fans of this story can enjoy it as a means to inspire, bring creativity, or help in navigating tough times, or as a source of entertainment. But the above-stated ideas do illustrate that the story can effect more than meets the eye (aestheticism).

When extending this discussion to a broader scale, stories like Nonbiri can potentiate the suppression of individuality and critical thinking, the normalization of authoritarian rule, and the distortion of the meaning of "strength". 

I recognize that the story was most surely not written to promote authoritarianism and suppress critical thinking. But author intention can be very irrelevant to actual reader perceptions and impact. Genre conventions and ambiguity and openness do provide sufficient basis to justify the story. But the above-stated points illustrated still stands.

[REDACTED]


July 17, 17:13:35
Clarification: Personal Upbringing Versus General Filipino Culture Regarding Gender Perception


I make it sound as if Filipinos did not live in agender societies and that my upbringing extends to the entirety of Filipino culture. But I refer more to how the Western idea of "gender" can spread like wildfire, which can exacerbate such gendered perceptions ironically.


July 17, 17:54:36 – July 17, 18:28:03
Towards Pluralistic Media Analysis: Focusing on Strengths, Personal Impact, and Emergent "Non-Sense"


Though, I do have some questions in regard to media analysis. I can very well create analyses, but I have yet to create any that I feel are justified. Or maybe, I should neglect feeling justified and focus on creating a varied analysis that coves different aspects of my comple and nuanced thought about the themes, ideas, concepts, plot, and characters in a story. The reason why it has been challenging for me to start writing media analyses is because I do not want to summarize the plot merely. I can analyze the themes and ideas, but I want to focus on how it affects me. The issue is that for the most part, when it comes to reading fantasy, one can easily simplify it as "just wish fulfillment". But I do want to consider them more precisely and see how externalizing my perspective about these media in writing might be a lot more exact. But that is something in ongoing questioning, and I have yet to create a systematic database-framework whereby to assess media. 

The key issue is that I do not believe stories have weaknesses, only strengths. The viewpoint has been growing much more common as time passes. If we are referring to the discrepancy between the author's intentions and the reader's perceptions, that is always there. And if we are referring to whether the author is adhering to the standard, we can talk about that somewhat, but it is still a dangerous topic to address. I prefer looking for why a story is good, even if it is not necessarily "entertaining" or "wish-fulfilling". It is about looking at the strengths of the style and see how it could contribute to a particular feel of the story. The goal is to give options, not constrict my interpretation to a set of single-definitions. Rather than looking for themes, it is about seeking the "non-sense" of stories. Ideally, a systematic assessment is optimal; however, in the case of media analyses, it is more so about the methodologies in which a story can be best analyzed.

When I use the term "non-sense," it involves the pluralism- and eclecticism-respecting analysis of emergent themes, ideas, concepts, and details. This is a little abstract, but grounding this will take much skill and much expansion. This could mean spending 100,000 words covering a relatively short story, with much of the writing spent of providing options and refining the scope and methodologies of analysis of a particular media. Little will be spent actually making definitive statements, and hopefully, by that point, much respect to pluralism and eclecticism through option-provision is paid.


July 17, 19:18:53
Epigram on the World's Cruelty, Truth, and Falsity


The world is cruel, and everything that we know is true and false


July 17, 20:06:15
Poetic Reflection: The Cruel, Slow World and the Observer's Helpless Gaze


The world is a cruel place, and the world is not that simple. Everything goes by, and everything goes slowly. The sky moves like a dog waiting to be found guilty at the sight of a dead dog. The world is a cruel place, and everything comes and goes with nothing in between. The only thing a person can do is watch the world fall to the ground.


July 17, 20:14:09
Succinct Thought on Cruelty and the Necessity of Observation


The world is cruel, but that does not mean much. The only thing that one can do is watch.


July 17, 20:16:24
Evaluating the FocusWriter Application for Enhanced Writing Focus


I am testing right now on this application called “FocusWriter”. I have used this before, but the context is much different now. I am considering using this map, but to be honest, I still very much believe that using simple applications like text editors is best. However, the reason I’m using this is in cases where I need to focus on a particular thing. Hopefully, this will cover the issues of my reliance upon using the textbox of AI Studio and ChatGPT to write.


July 17, 20:21:59
Recognizing Physical and Mental Fatigue After a Period of Experimentation


Interesting... I think I need to rest. I can feel my body just not liking me right now, and my brain is becoming slower. It is hard to notice at first, and it could also be because I've been engaging in novel activities and experimenting about in order to keep myself on my toes while also tackling new problems and challenges with new approaches. 


July 18, 00:55:28
Intention to Resume and Expand the Pluralistic Analysis of "Nonbiri"


I think I'm going to write further when it comes to Nonbiri. I said earlier I was going to write a pluralist media analysis with many options, and I would do it. 

[REDACTED]


July 18, 03:22:42
Inquiry into the Rationale and Efficacy of Partial Range of Motion Push-ups


Why do people do half-pushups? I'm not referring to knee pushups. I'm referring to half-rotation push-ups.

I am not referring to incline or decline pushups. I am referring to standard pushups done without pushing the whole way until the arms arms are somewhat straight.

Are 'partials' (range of motion) an effective avenue to explore in exercise? I've always been taught against doing partials and in favor of only doing 'fulls'.


July 18, 03:35:21 – July 18, 03:47:38
Meta-Analysis of the "Nonbiri" Critique: Noting Critical Approaches, Terminology, and Authorial Tone


These are talks in reference to my Nonbiri analysis:

what critical approahes does the writer take in analyzing the story?

Interesting that they indicate Marxist criticism while simultaneously mentioning Mao and Stalin. Is it because they do not view Mao and Stalin as adherents, but rather authoritarians on their own right?

The wording of the author is interesting: laborial pens, importing, and other terms. It demonstrates that the author commisions terms himself for this passage specifically.

Interesting that the author sounds like he can swear like a sailor, but he plays around with academic use of term commission like a child plays with and swings around a stick or branch they found randomly. He seems to have well adjusted into this complex and nuanced writing style.

It is like when a League of Legends veteran criticizes their favorite game so much even while playing it regularly, or like the saying about consumers in technology when they say that one either regularly vehemently criticizes something or one doesn't use it everyday.

It is a nuanced way to consume content, and it is definitely better than suggesting that people should only consume content or listen to people with which they already agree.

I think swearing is the best first evidence of the author caring about the story. They would not swear and then head into an in-depth theoretical analysis if they did not care about the story. They clearly care about it enough to give it an analysis, rather than swearing and blowing minor details out of proportion with dishonesty.


July 18, 04:02:33
Memory of Philippine Mountain Roads and the Aspiration for Deeper Geographical Understanding


I remember the mountains of the Philippines. I do not remember specifically where it was, but I think it was some place somewhere. It might have been Baguio. I remember that we were riding jeeps in this mountainous area, and I loved this place. It looked beautiful to travel through, maybe not to live in, but I do still remember the large buses and the turns they had to make to go around this curving mountainous uphill road. This road went in snake-like lines. I want to understand mountains, roads, climate, geography, and forests like the ones I saw here.


July 18, 04:37:11
Puzzling Over the Recent Appeal and Grounding Effect of Watching Political Commentary


Why is it that I enjoy watching political commentation all of a sudden? I've been watching this one political commentator, and I find it relaxing and grounding. I feel like it is a nice break from studying academic texts and writing.

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]


July 18, 10:29:28 – July 18, 10:43:55
Contrasting Narrative Sufficiency and Academic Depth in the Fictional Portrayal of Diseases


Part of me feels that if the main goal is not necessarily in-depth explanation and detail, then writing narratives of medical cases should not be that challenging if the goal is primarily fiction narrative in basis. If one wants to write a story surrounding a character that suffers eventually from cholera, then it is not that difficult to list down the symptoms and solutions, keeping in mind the general history and context of the infection. It should be as simple as looking at a Wikipedia article and copying primary details of sufficient narrative necessity. Alternatively, an AI language model can achieve this task very quickly and adapt such details into a narrative effectively immediately.

Definitely, it will not be purely realist. But for narrative intents and purposes, most will read a story about a character experiencing the disease, and as long as it triggers the necessary boxes, it should be sufficient already.

For example, illustrating someone's death could be easily vividly done by focusing on physical details like purple hands, especially in the case of a hanging. Such illustrations are relatively simple in comparison to the academic depth required in medical licensure expertise.

However, if one writes not merely to "tickle" a few details in and give a narrative with the guise of knowledge, complexity, and nuance but to comprehend actually the depth of academic texts relating to diseases, the body, sociocultural context, history, and many other factors which are inevitably relevant to a human being, then that will be a different matter altogether.

When knowledge comes from true understanding, everything that comes after will be a summary from that true understanding. If one lacks such true understanding, any attempt at extending imitated summaries into complex and nuances contexts will come out as childish. It is hard to imitate reality, when one especially derives almost all of their understanding of it through fictional, popular, and sensationalized media, rather than academic texts.

However, many readers like childish fiction novels, because for many, that is the point. Even if critical thinking might suggest that the narrative is stupid if taken in any way shape or form seriously as something that informs philosophy, psychology, sociocultural contexts, dynamics, history, and effectiveness, some readers may intentionally enjoy something as non-realist escapism simply.

This is why unrealistic portrayals of diseases are prevalent, because they are optimized for entertainment rather than realism per se. Many authors may try to avoid the consequences of inaccuracy by making the terms vague and referring to the disease as "being sick" rather than giving specified symptoms and patient history of particular diseases. Some might even invent diseases that do not exist.


July 18, 11:00:11 – July 18, 11:25:41
Proposal for a Roblox Game Resource: Archiving History Through Analysis of Collected Video Data and Personal Experience


I have considered establishing a website providing a resource consisting of personal analyses of older Roblox games and newer Roblox games. The process of developing this resource will start with older Roblox games, demonstrating the particular concepts, themes, ideas, and emergent fun of those games, and extending my analysis forward to newer games. This will be part of my autobiography-journal project, so this will extend from my life and from my experience with video games and all kinds of life sensory experiences overall, adding credibility and context behind the basis for my Roblox game analysis.

Having actual personal video recordings of the Roblox games would be ideal; however, I can start off slow and limit it to images and links to other players' videos. This would provide a more empirical and pluralist basis for my analyses. The use of other people's recorded experiences to demonstrate particular ideas optimizes the ideal of providing a resource whereby video game historians, casual curious Roblox players, and hardcore Roblox enthusiasts may find richness and vastness of ideas embedded upon ecosystemic practice.

To evince the data I have pre-collected for the planned establishment of the Roblox game resource, I have created Youtube playlists for each year of Roblox, starting from 2006 to this year in 2024. Each video will be in the playlist of the year it was uploaded. In total, the saved videos are 2,153, with the year with the most videos being 2014 with 457 videos. The data collection is still ongoing, and there are hundreds of videos out there that have not been added to the playlists. This offers an accessible list format whereby to dive deep into each year of Roblox with systematic ease.

2006: 1 video
2007: 34 videos
2008: 55 videos
2009: 30 videos
2010: 78 videos
2011: 400 videos 
2012: 366 videos
2013: 327 videos
2014: 457 videos
2015: 214 videos
2016: 99 videos
2017: 49 videos
2018: 18 videos
2019: 12 videos
2020: 14 videos
2021: 13 videos
2022: 6 videos
2023: 2 videos
2024: 8 videos

1 + 34 + 55 + 78 + 400 + 366 + 327 + 457 + 214 + 99 + 49 + 18 + 12 + 14 + 13 + 6 + 2 + 8 = 2,153 total videos

The reason why the data focuses on earlier years is because the data has exploded in later years, making it less valuable to save every video found. However, I still aim to save as many videos as possible, but before the data gets too much, I will begin analysis of every single game with the accompanying aim of categorizing games under video playlists. If the data is left there without analysis, the context will be forgotten overtime, so I will also consider analyzing every video and the context therein. The now-defunct archived Roblox forums will be one of the primary resources.

I would love to create video essays, but I aim firstly to publish a journal that will go into depth when it comes to Roblox games. This will be followed by an edited version of the journal in book form. That can be followed by website articles. Finally, video essays can serve as adaptations of all of this written content. If the Roblox Game Resource (RGR) begins to be used as a credible source, then I may not need to make video essays.

I already have this one saved link to a Roblox blog website that was active from 2007 to 2010 and includes 18 interviews with Roblox figures. This is only one of many resources waiting to be discovered, and I can easily find them if I search the keyword "roblox" in the archives of the Wayback Machine of the Internet Archive.

[REDACTED]


July 18, 12:23:28 – July 18, 13:03:22
Deconstructing the Flaws of Star Ratings: Advocating Qualitative Review Systems Over Systemic Binarization


I have recently began forming a more clearer reflection of my concern with star ratings and why Youtube prefers the use of a like and a dislike rather than a star rating like it used to in its early days. The reason why star ratings can be highly inaccurate is because it encourages the use of 5 star or 0.1 star ratings, and there is no set understanding of what average means to a user, making it challenging to determine whether the average score indicates much at all except popular like. To expand upon this idea, people giving 5-star reviews are not necessarily contributing little, but when users instead engage in false measures of nuance (e.g. using a particular nuanced-appearing score like 3.4), it creates it inflated and deflated and basically inconsistent definition of the spectrum of excellence depending on the 0.1 to 5.0 rating score, especially since qualitative criticisms rarely can be quantified into points so easily within an individual review. There are cases when a format like a 10-point system in determining the level of pain of something can be helpful, but it should be used more so depending on one's understanding of the person. However, in online spaces, these reviews are calculated together, which makes them inconsistent. If they were used individually, they could be useful between two people who have established a working relationship with each other, like therapist and patient. But in the case of online systems, that can be vague and prone to abuse.

This is why in many online spaces, criticism of a movie is qualitatively outlined and displayed rather than measured quantitatively. Wikipedia is one example of a site that has shown use of qualitative references to critics in response to a film. Rather than giving scores, the critics can give complex and nuanced responses that can both highly precise and up to interpretation, making it an effective means of critical thinking with regard to media. It is not an inherent characteristic of critics themselves necessarily, but it is a working relationship betwen critic and qualitative communication and citation, which lends to accuracy more than arbitrary rating systems in which readers will have varying interpretations of the film with ratings that do not directly equate to their interpretations due to systemic consistency error. Binarism of pluralist realities often result in polarized thinking, allowing for the promulgation of systemic discreditation. This can be compared to throwing apples at the sky and judging the beauty of the earth depending on how high they reach, which can vary depending on thrower accuracy of direction, strength, and particular wind. It is as empirically ineffective as a personality test.

The reason why user-generated reviews similarly can be unreliable is similar to 5-star reviews. For many people, it does matter that the points given in the critique is pedantic and dishonest as long as they already see the particular star rating attached to the review. There is this veneer of nuance hidden even in the choice of words, but is effectively like saying "car good because car realist". In this case, "realism" is not an agreed-upon consensus but one incorporated because it pre-agrees (through its augural score rating and use of keywords) with prevailing systemically binarized views characterized by systemic discreditation. To summarize this case, there is no definition of realism. There is also the definition of pre-agreement. Anyway, a lot of the ideas presented by user-generated reviews are totalled into an average star rating, and the veneer of nuanced qualitative analysis gives a sense of validity to the star rating. At one point, it does not matter what the user says as long as they use particular keywords in their superfluous analysis and have already a particular star score shown firstly. It is the optimal setup for confirmation bias. Arbitrary quantitative scores mixed with keywords (buzzwords) contribute to the same political polarization within social media in recent years.

As mentioned earlier, the binary system of like and dislike of Youtube and the qualitative citation in Wikipedia film webpages provide means whereby to satisfy a easy binary choice and a way to dig up nuance not found even in comment sections, which differ strikingly in structure to the above-stated qualitative citation, respectively.

To give an abstract of a solution, the incorporation of non-linear improvements that lead either directly or indirectly to the mitigation of the linearized unreliability of systemic response and its attendant non-constructive forms of engagement through the structural promotion of pluralism (i.e. qualitative precision) and discouragement of binarization (i.e. polarization and confirmation bias) encourages the advancement of authenticity and prestige (i.e. credit or weight in general opinion).

The streamlining of false objectivity creates false assumptions and expectations, resulting in disappointment with it and the linearized dissolution of such voiced disappointments through the same systemic discreditation that made those falsehoods in the first place.


July 18, 13:22:08 – July 18, 13:41:06
Advocating Emergent Characterization Over Questionnaires: A Reflection on Identity, Language, and Reality


Am I the only one who finds the use of random questions as a way to establish characters both effective and highly unreliable? For example, I saw the following list in a Reddit post on r/Wattpad on Reddit.

"what animal would they be if they could?

what is their life’s aspiration?

they’re at a beach, what are they doing?

what is their role in the friend group?

they can only cook one meal, what is it?

if they had to rebel against their parents, what would they do?

they had an imaginary friend when a child, what does it look like?

who was their TV or Book crush when a kid?

lastly, they’re stuck on a desert island and can only take one thing: a book, a knife or a dog. Which one are they choosing?"

I can see this list can be effective in helping one understand the nuances of a character, but I feel that too much exercise in the generation of a character can blindside one to the actual emergent actualities of a character in events as they come. Emergent characterization, a feature of organic writing, creates much more realistic and believable framing than random questions. No, the main character will not get those random questions, unless they happened actually in his life. Those questions are irrelevant and non-existent, until they become relevant in the main character's life. Until then, they are exercises not the main character but for the writer themselves, which is why they can be good, even if their intention at writing a better focal character is unfounded.

More importantly, knowing your characters emergently is much better than constructing them through hypothetical random questions.

People do not live in hypotheticals. They live in what they care about and what attends them in the ongoing moment, pace, or plot, while being simultaneously informed and influenced by their entire life behind them. This is emergence.

People are not always consistent either. Emergent decision-making as a consequence of complex and nuanced factors and situations can drive people to make non-linear choices and decisions they would not otherwise ordain on a regular basis. In reality, there is no set regularity of a human being so as to be "normal" or "consistent" or "identity-wise full". There is only what a person determines themselves to be based on the perceptions generated and informed over the course of a period of time, memories of previous spans of time, and their summary-idea of their entire life as a streamlined playbook by which to act and pause.

No one is what they are until they have decided so. This decision is based on factors, not out of universal absolute objectivity, nor of total confusion, but of partiality, with some knowledge and some approximate assessment. It is one dependent upon the factors around them and how they might emergently react in effective self-preservation and -benefit.

I could create a God in a child, and a child in a God. But those mean nothing. I can create dogs in boots and cars in sandals. I can create loving men creating wives out of machinery pockets. Even language can bicker all it wants, but it remains to be interpretative and dependent upon a partial systhesis, which is characterized by emergent informing elements and actors, of different external entities in a pluralist eclectic landscape. We live in this world, and we are bound to it, along with the language whither we have hidden ourselves and made ourselves defined. We have longed for a definitive solution, and we have created it in a bottle. We have created bottles out of "amorphous" materials and have ascribed them definitions whereby to deliver us from the slavery of non-sense. We create meaning out of nothing, and we create meaning of the amorphous nature of reality. This is the entity that is the human being, that they are not an entity but a blending of all things that he is capable of being affected by. It is non-sense in that its accompanying affects can be simultaneously be interpreted variably, such that when they (singular) attempts by compensation to deliver affectation in hopes of a clearer and more precise message, they fail by virtue of themselves as self-described elements whereby to describe all else which are not in and of themselves exacted by our cognitions and psychological hearing. It is not a philosophical conclusion or solution, but that of abolition of even the sense that one is capable of giving conclusion to desire, hearing, sense, non-sense, capability, and thought-processes. It is that of the statis of economic (sufficient) movement. We live in such sufficiency of existence, that by the nature of all things, we are, and when we are no longer, we are sufficiently so, externally by the character of our own bodies as decomposed or converted.

This realization can aid in helping us create characters that are human not because they ought to be but because they must be at all costs by their volition and by the "volition" of their environment as "ongoing" entities of this reality, which are in themselves valid.

Invalidating characters by saying they are not realistic invalidates reality as well by its disobedience to our judgements. We do not form realities by our words, but approximations, which could be viewed as invalidations, of reality. We invalidate reality everyday, so when we specify an invalidation of a particular character, we should be wary that we are not separating ourselves from the invalidation inherent within our very attempts at constructing reality within non-reality.


July 18, 13:47:04 – July 18, 13:52:12
Meta-Reflection on the Preceding Entry's Philosophical Stance and Implicit Writing Advice


interesting that this is philosophical, and it is also what looks to be writing advice?

I notice the author uses "we" a lot.

it is fair to summarize the argument as "it's subjective, duh"

Is it fair to summarize the argument as "I don't believe in everything and nothing at the same time"?

Is it fair to summarize the argument as "I believe in everything and nothing at the same time"?

How about 'Let them speak for themselves"?


July 18, 14:03:07
The Enduring Wonder of Reading: From Children's Books to Academic Texts and the Longing for Appraisal


It is interesting that even now I am bewildered that I can read anything. I mean the very character of children's books were already immediately evocative to me, and I found myself awestruck at everything I appraised, even when I now see it as mere feathers of a larger vast wing spanning thousands upon millions. It remains to be of great interest of me to read, and my recent ventures into academic texts have gifted me with the production of insights far beyond the nearest antiquated shore, as they have released into my mind novel ways of being, that of the recogition of my own frail body as a bearer or steward of this prized possession of "I can read!", the very beauty incarnated within our very being. And with all things secured, there is thus a senseful longing for appraisal, and that is why I write this—to validate the need.


July 18, 14:25:15
Initial Foray into Developmental Psychology: Comparing Early Childhood Stages and Memory Formation


15 years old is incredibly old, and I do think it is important to remind people of the contradistinction between a conscious 4-year-old or 6-year-old and a 12-year-old. 12-year-olds have had time to explore themselves in much more detail, as 6-year-olds, as of recent years, have likely only been exposed to much media with the dream-like experiences of observing others and looking around and seeing just as much people as afforded you. This 6-year-old life brought much, but it also meant that one's growth was constricted and benefitted by the particular stage in which not only your biological stage, but your social position has bestowed upon you. 12-year-olds have more leverage in the social realms, beyond just traits of unaware toddler cuteness, that which was already fading by six year old anyway in terms of personal experience with older people. These are just some illustrations of how a 12-year-old compares to a 6-year-old. 4-year-old marks a stage of interaction that allows the toddler to experience the remarks of their betters in fuller understanding, while the baby has yet to conceive of the more complex nuances of their environment, such that they are incapable of remembering the specifics. The 4-year-old has reached a level of sociobiological grounds that gives them access to memory as it becomes later known to the 21-year-old during recollective experiences.

Let me clarify my wording. I have yet to enter into development psychology, so my wording is most likely imprecise with my meaning. I state that 15-year-olds are older in the scope of developmental psychology between that of a 15-year-old and a 6-year-old, employing relativist psychological time frames that are relevant to a six-year-old in their personal (interpersonal) approach to a 15-year-old in their mentions of "you're old". I assert that 6-year-olds have been exposed to dream-like experiences not due to actual experience, but due to the tendency of that age-time in the development of sensory-experiential identities that become relevant in the future to adults, so again employing relativist psychological time framing. The idea that their growth is constricted is not a belief in the lack of power that 6-year-olds hold in growth; however, it is more so that they are currently limited at their current stage due to the sociobiological differences between the active-leverage more readily advanced by a 12-year-old in comparison to a six-year-old contingent primarily upon experience and growth stage. Let me clarify my wording with regard to "level of sociobiological grounds". I, again, employ relativist psychological time framing and view this in relation to a 21-year-old's recollection, and that is what I mean by a 4-year-old is at best where it is most relevant in terms of sociobiological memory formation. To expand upon this, later young adult recollection penetrates drastically weakly into the first one to three years.

This allows us to see in the eye of our younger selves because I remember well feeling great respect for 12-year-olds as a 6-year-old, being so excited to be elementary after I graduated from kindergarten. It was a splendid experience of not only socio-cultural definition (with grade 1 marking a new cultural stage of development), but that of sociobiological determination, which is bestowed through increased role participation in the larger realms, away from the more passive or family-scope consumption pre-kindergarten and even during kindergarten. The reason for including kindergarten is that pre-kindergarten children and kindergarten children can be viewed similarly because it is similar to second placers in a competition. We have this heuristic that views these two different children the same because they are in a transitional stage, like second place is between third and first place.


July 18, 14:28:53 – July 18, 15:46:25
The Pursuit of Precise Language, AI's Inability to Access Wordlessness, and Coping with Analytical Fatigue Through Fiction


Continued Effort to Development Psychology

I will continue refining my language with regard to development psychology. I have yet to penetrate thoroughly into the territory. I recognize that with these being my first formalized attempts, it might take a while before I fully establish the particular language which primes precisely my meaning in this subject.

Refinement of Language

My goal in the end is to throw out nonsense in hopes that I can refine it. It is always going to sound completely wrong the first time, but that is language. I don't like making bold stupid statements, but it is going to be how things are going to work if I want to grow. Of course, AI language models are where I dump my attempts at expressing ideas. So some might be genuinely good to publish, and many might still use some work, development, and expansion. That is why I keep an autobiography-journal, not just an autobiography or a journal, because it is an ongoing process with a history of thought processes and ideas (journal) and a continuously refined synthesis (autobiography).

For the most part, it is not about learning new experiences, but about communicating precisely what one already knows and experienced. This is my current stage in my life, and that is why I am writing my autobiography-journal, because I have lived a very full life. And the memories are getting overwhelming, so systematizing and externalizing everything into an autobiography-journal allows me to address everything in words. I can sound dumb from time to time because of a failure to communicate my meaning and my experiences effectively. But that is improving consistently with time, and while I have reached an average of 8,000 words in the last 51 days, I am still going to blunder from time to time. I have grown much since I began my autobiography-journal in July 4, 2023.

That is why I study academic texts so much. It is often not about being wowed but about finding the words to express precisely what I already know and have experienced. One can see so well but not know how to say in words, and that is what I am correcting with writing.

I believe that people are very vast and rich, but it is scant to find highly precise writers. That is why I am on this journey, hoping one day to inspire people to write about their lives in great precision and comprehensiveness.

Beauty is already there, and the only that needs to happen is the words. It is not reality's duty to fit into words, but words to fit into reality.

This is why AI language models can be inaccurate, because they are trying to answer a question or prompt made imperfectly by a human being, while a human being is trying to express something that is real to them and finding the most exact way to express it.

AI, Language, and Critical Thinking

I feel that the analogy of AI language model as a skilled chef who can perfectly replicate a recipe wrong. I feel that AI language models cannot say the exactitude that a human has within them, but humans, with time and effort, find the words to express more and more precisely their meaning (recipe). Highly specific human experience is wordless, so the humans find and create the words to define them. AI language models cannot play with wordlessness.

No, I believe an AI language model can write an emotionally gripping novel; however, I believe that there is a clear contradistinction between someone made by a human being to express something that is real to them by finding and creating the words overtime to express it exactly vs. an AI writing something that makes sense to people.

Humans do not make sense most of the time. Why? They are learning everyday to express the exactitude of what they mean. AI can make so much sense. Why? Because they do not have anything wordless to find the words to express. They only take words and make expressions that makes sense to people. This is the difference between a highly skilled and effective actor and a man talking to you out of his genuine heart to find the exactitude whereby their meaning may find purchase.

I mean. Joaquin Pheonix is a good actor, but even he is not AI. I do not want to say that actors are invalid. So maybe my analogy is stupid and invalidating. Actors are above AI. They derive their acting from their real-life experiences. They are human, and they are expressing something too, even if their words and the fictional context say otherwise. They are attempting to act out real-life things that exist within them whereof they have knowledge and sensory experience. So AI is not a highly effective actor, because it is not even human to derive wordless humanity to act out fiction.

But I have to emphasize that AI can look very much human. If people can suspend their belief and believe in personality tests, online text conversations, fantasy stories, and all manner of oversimplification, heuristic, and cognitive bias, then anything can be "human", as long as it speaks our words, however it might look, feel, or seem.

Critical thinking is the only way to understand that AI is a tool to teach language and not to dictate anthropological reality per se. Some will argue that language is domination, and they are right. However, the use of taught standardized language is not predisposed to a lack of critical thinking.

But I would say that critical thinking might not even exist. I allow for that possibility to remain in consideration. Nihilism posits that everything is ultimately meaningless, and AI is making that feel increasingly so. I can see the merits of it, but for now, I will keep it within my mind without pursuing it fully or agreeing with its premises, focusing more so on how I can manage what I have right now. I am a compatibilist, and I do believe the reality is utterly meaningless and that we are the makers of our own subjective meanings. But that does not stop me from making subjective meanings anyway.

We should just realize that our attempts to think critically and limited language are intertwined. This means let us live in the moment and take the time to exist, without relying on the idea that language and even critical thinking can solve and be solved. We engage in abstractions, theories, ideas, arguments, themes, and everything with this distance in mind, and that is healthy. If we take words too seriously, we do not allow for interpretation, and we do not allow for language and possibly critical thinking as well to be a construction. That is why must let it be and let ourselves be. We cannot be but be, even with all of this non-being.

Postmodernism and post-structuralist is not "critical thinking." In the end, they could be said to assert that even "critical thinking" is structuralist and modernist.

We deconstruct the elements whereby we are stuck to pretend to deconstruct forever, forever stuck within the cave within which we are invested and born to eternal entrapment, criminalized to the nature of reality as a being-stuck. We emanate nothing but essentialism of this un-being.

It does not matter, and it matters a lot. We just keep going, even if this is all a lie and everything we know is not true. We keep using the structuralism and modernism, or stuck-methods, even in our attempts to make ironic everything. It is all we know, and our awareness of it is helpful, but it will not cancel out this participation. I can write any story I want to write, yet I am bound by personal interests, ideas, ethics, knowledge, and experience. I am only as much as I am.

If I stop speaking, I do not exit reality. I exit speaking. And even within non-speaking, I speak within my mind, as one influenced and informed by speaking, even if that speaking is already past. We are but reinforcements of this world that we seek to abolish.

Is that what the transcendentalism hope to fix? Postmodernism and post-structuralism have not necessarily failed.

There is no failure, no conclusion, no end, no start, no desire, no fullness, no partiality, no determination, no boundary. Yet, if I walk outside, I obey the foot lines, the sidewalks, and the determinations of flesh which are committed to sociobiological remittance. We pay heed to the world anyway. So we are practicalists or pragmatists in our lives, but intellectually, we abolish all manner of 'is-ing' or 'be-ing'? Yes. Maybe, that is the case.

I think I will write another story after not writing for a long time. I think it will be more intellectually fulfilling than reading an academic text strangely enough, and I am not saying that it is universally the case. But for me, right now, with my recent ideas, I think I will struggle to read without criticizing angrily the ideas. But it is not a matter of emotion. I am exaggerating. The point is that just now, I feel strongly that there is more intellectual fulfillment to be found in the nothingness of fictional exploration, which, in my fiction writing, is characterized by postmodernism, post-structuralism, pluralism, eclecticism, surrealism, Romantic expressionism, psychological realism, and absurdism. I think that is it (the metaphorical ending): as strange as it may be (seem).

Mind Clean-up

Honestly, saying these characteristics is something I need to cleanse off my mind. I really need to get away from analytical writing. My brain has rotted because of academic texts in a way. I need to return to actual human mindful expression like I was back when I wrote one of my first, if not my first, novel "What Do I Want".

Analysis

I can see that my analytical academic text–reading lifestyle has made me averse to just going for a walk and not having an analytical approach in mind. There is this looming desire to write down, analyze, externalize, and systematize everything I consume, learn, and experience, and it comes as a consequence of my autobiography-journal.

I remember when I went outside with my parents to a cafe this one time two or so months ago and started seeing graphic design layouts and fonts everywhere after I dedicated several days of high-intensity website development.

All the advertisement posters and fonts of all the restaurants and businesses became so much more pronounced. It felt like seeing hundreds of chess positions in a chess board after living most of one's life not seeing anything when looking at a chess board. There is this drastic cognitive-visual shift.

I could see the fonts, and I could identify them well visually. I could measure visually the distance between elements and proportions of elements and sets of elements. I could see website layouts in those posters. It was like magic.

It is like this one guy who started seeing fractals once someone robbed him and hit him on the head or something. He became a math master because of this or something.

[REDACTED]


July 18, 16:28:35
The Burden of Analysis: Longing for Nature's Respite from an Ever-Present Analytical Lens


I hate being inspired by non-fiction texts, because it feeds only to my analytical lifestyle and mind. Part of me wishes to paues and return to the nothingness of nature. How do I escape this? I feel that even walking outside is like walking through a land upon which my mind regerates continually this matrix of familiarity whereupon analysis spreads rapidly like wildfire.


July 18, 18:22:39
Developing Resilience Through Analysis: Identifying Patterns in Toxic Esports Chat to Cultivate Thick Skin


It is weird that a thick skin is actually possible to cultivate with exposure, patience, and an analytical mindset. I was actually struggling to watch League of Legends esports, because I had this perception that many people were expressing toxic attitudes. However, after spending months watching, all of a sudden, I looked past what they were saying and realized that all of them had similar backgrounds. They were all similar, and there were patterns that determined when they would come out. I identified that the increase of the viewer counts of this particular Twitch streamer from 20,000 to 30,000 was an indicator that those toxic chatters would come out. I also realized that most of them were not older followers, and many of them posted the same message again and again, creating an impression of a multitude of people saying the same thing. So they are likely only 50 people with 10 committed chatters posting the same comments and attempting to trigger people with toxic messages. To clarify, this does not include instances where someone chatted once in response and was not toxic but more so responding to the mistake an esports team made. Overall, this is a very small number compared to over 30,000 viewers. I also identified that these chatters often were accounts made without an identity, so if one clicked on their profile, they had generic online identities. There are many other patterns that I began to discover overtime, and I feel accomplished. I feel that I have developed enough thick skin and exposure to the patterns that I can identify them now by how many they are and their characteristics.


July 18, 18:23:39
Fleeting Reference to Reading a Book on Solitude


I was reading a book about solitude, and it might have aided in helping me think about


July 18, 19:17:04
Perceiving the Internet as "Out of Touch": A Critique of Linearity and the Value of Older Texts for Lateral Perspectives


Reading academic texts and a lot of older texts and writing much in my autobiography-journal has left me to conclude that the world today is highly out of touch. Well, it is not that the world is out of touch, but the world as it appears on the Internet is out of touch. This is likely to be the influence of Western culture, politics, and concerns upon the entire world, especially with the undercurrents of geopolitics which inform the currents of meme culture and other more serious facets of discussion and commentary. It is hard to feel so much that all of this originates within ideological superstition, not that it is an actual delusion that can be characterized under a psychogical criteria. However, I do feel that there is much to lose in gaining such a widespread view of the current world without the information of the past as a governor of understanding, that which pays little attention to how information has been deliveared in accordance to a linear goal, but to how information exists even in non-linear systems, such as in Gutenberg.org, whereupon numerous older books are uploaded for the sake of the people. And these texts can vary in scope and subject; marking one approach whereby to consider alternative lateral viewpoints to existing hegenomies. As such, I see now a world full of inconsistencies born within the very linearity of a framework transpiring, ongoing, and actively shaping the world as we know it ideologically such that it determines the very sequence of behaviors conducted on a wide geopolitical and sociocultural scale, whatever the purview of the existing power blocks confer upon themselves with whatever operations they have continued to assemble even at this time. The world remains inconsistently defined, and the past remains to be a wealth of information unbothered by the neologisms which have received much territorial effect upon the nature of the definition of discussion in relation to any serious matter, penetrating the character of our basics and fundamental rights as interlocutors within a societal framework. It is our own lateral purview that confers to us an opportunity to revel at the sight of non-existent framework sense, as it consists only in the purview of what is decidedly commitedly seen as just for a time, even if any opinion or framework, in light of every other time, place, or context, could have been at the forefront instead, making it a superficial exercise of thoughts and ideas when the underlying currents were already hypocritical in the first place. It underlies the state to be superfluous. As such, it is how we must operate and gain things within a gain-based capitalist regime as infiltrative through the Internet; not that which is born out of simple pleasures, but out of a need for order at an increasingly multi-block global scale, where warfare is engaged in the medial, and those who have committed themselves in diverse lateral considerations remain abased in the social order of things. Now, it is here that gain can be machined into production, through our consumption of older texts and our analytical interests in dismantling the current seat of power pertaining to world interests. 


July 18, 19:42:34
Beginning a Contrast Between Traditional Novels and Web Novels: Describing the Novel Reader's Context (Unfinished)


    I can clearly see the difference between novels and web novels. Stories can be illustrated as one intended for those sitting in their ornate, comfortable, and beautified rooms whereupon their feet are carefully defined with clothes that mete out abrasion across their clothes and zip up the freedom that would have otherwise provided them with individualist ease, such that their societal expectations embroider them to be candidly superfluous with everything that brings mightily upon a gentle-women's capat 
    
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July 19, 02:36:00 – July 19, 02:41:56
19th-Century Literary Immersion vs. Modern Web Novel Speed: A Contrast in Reader Context and Values

    
I can clearly see the difference between older literary novels from the 19th century and today's web novels. Stories can be illustrated as one intended for those sitting in their ornate, comfortable, and beautified rooms whereupon their feet are carefully defined with clothes that mete out abrasion across their clothes and zip up the freedom that would have otherwise provided them with individualist ease, such that their societal expectations embroider them to be candidly superfluous with everything that brings mightily upon a gentle-women's demeanor their extensions and decorations. It is that of an immersive depth combined with societal and broader expectations and ornate, precise immersion techniques. As for web novels, it is intended for a kid, teenager, or bored adult salary worker looking for rushes to keep their toes up-tight, their hands holding something exciting, and their days speedy and devoted to a race as fast as the technology all around them. 

Now, this is just an illustrated difference in how they could be interpreted, but this is not shared by everyone. However, I would say that many would agree that both come from different time periods, and the strictness I associated with 19th century novels is not necessarily unfounded, given that the Victorian era was like that. This accuracy could be said to be the same for the web novel reader, who needs something as fast as the trends and technology all around them, so the structure and style of the web novel is that of speed rather than ornate, several year long–immersion associated with that of someone who has lived their entire life in a candid room sophisticatedly embroidered and decorated in favor of a fullness of spirit and depth, that of antiquated upper class submergence, where rather than modern technology being a status symbol, it was that of refinement and slow, glacial submergence associated with such literary novels.

I think it is an important distinction to be made, and I have met little people who enjoy reading nowadays. So those that do read will barely care about depth. This is the world we live in today. No one reads as much as 19th century upper class, and the upper class today have technology to think about as their status symbols and ways of expressing their wealth. It is not about refinement, but about materialist technology ideals, which is shared by the middle class as well. The idea of expensive cars, houses, and all kinds of goodies are much more easier to access in our Internet age, unlike people in the past who had to swear they ever saw a great palace of a great place because they likely never could see it due to segregation, the absence of a middle class, and the absence of the technology we have today.

19 century novels are a beautiful example of an ancient world over a century before us, when the essence of life was in aristocratic refinement rather than materialist technological ideals.

A lot of people still read, but especially in developing countries, it can be challenging to find those who are willing to read beyond social media and a school grade. The desire to read academic texts in our modern day is linked to refinement once again. There are desires to revive the intellectualism and refinement of the Victorian era, and those that desire to keep the spirit of 20th scientific explosion going, while adhering still to the modernism and structuralism established in the 20th century. There are different movements and attempts to recreate the ideal human being, whether one that strives toward Victorian aristocratic refinement, one that maintains the spirit of 20th century advancement, one that embraces the technology of our modern day while still maintaining a level of distance from excess, and one that seeks to be an intellectual that reflects upon all.

I should also mention the recent climate change concerns, so there are people that criticize our modern day while adapting to modern day communication like social media activists, who have become notorious especially over the last decade with the aid of the Internet and social media algorithms through platforms like Twitter and Youtube Shorts.


July 19, 02:46:04
Self-Observation on Stylistic Shifts When Describing Different Reader Types


I notice that the writing style itself is clearly different when illustrating the intended audience of older 19th century literary novels and when illustrating the intended audience of today's web novels. The former is highly ornate, while the latter is much more accessible.


July 19, 02:51:50 – July 19, 03:04:21
Critiquing the Modern Obsession with "Concision" as a Suppressive Force Against Nuance and Textual Wealth


I am very disappointed by modern-day sensibilities toward writing style. It is now becoming a lot more common to dismiss any writing that they do not perceive as "concise", which is the current evolution of the modernism of writing. And while postmodernism remains to be present in our stream-of-consciousness, we have developed structuralisms whereby we judge others what remains to be according to our sensibilities "understandable" even at the cost of understanding beyond things for which we have been reduced to greed. Numerous novels and academic texts are reduced to waste in the long run, and those who do concern themselves, as I do, with these older texts, are left astounded by the wealth ignored in the process of a so-called concision and trimming of the very character of progress, which is the human right to express beyond things to which others will them and pre-establish for them—a right beyond the quarter of modern wants, ideals, thoughts, perception, and judgements, which should rather be reserved for other occasions in which a modern rational is required and not acting as agitprop.

Suppression by cutting up people (i.e. concision and trimming) so as to make them ignore anything else beyond what social media language, which can be polarizing, full of buzzwords, and conducive to confirmation bias, is the death of progress and the ignorance of wealth beyond structures created for dissemination, whatever the cost for humanity.


July 19, 03:19:56 – July 19, 03:21:36
Navigating Expressive Uncertainty Amidst Prolific Writing: Doubts, Scope, and the Process Itself


I do not know what to express anymore to be honest. I've written so much and thought about things a lot; however, I have both the desire to move on and seek new things and the desire to reflect upon the past and be patient. I can balance both for sure, but there is this desire within me that seeks to become everything, whatever that forces or makes me to do. I find myself at a crossroads constantly, and I feel that my words are both highly specific and vague, because with enough context, they are great in scale and scope for understanding my self. However, when one reads these wide-scale words without the precise details of my life, then it will be like nothing upon a landscape filled with nothing but ornate nothingness, with my attempts to express deep ideas being washed away as mere oration or ornateness. There is much to ponder, and I could go very far in analyzing my entire life and that of numerous media that I have consumed over the years. However, there is little to say and much to mean. I can say a few words and mean a lot, and I can say much and mean much as well. It does not matter the quantity, but hopefully, the quantity that I have chosen to write is justified rather than falsely concise, one that pretends to have said a lot in little, when one has not adhered to the amount of words which a particular meaning deserved. In the end, I may quarter my words and have them accomodated that they may build their little sandcastles, but as for how long they will last, I do not know. I sit upon a corner, and I emerge in the middle. I sit down idly and turn myself over, overturning these thoughts again and again that I might find rest at the bottom or at the top, whichever provides me with a sense of peace at a time. And at that point, no difference can be pointed out, for both render a sense of peace in the end, which is sufficient. In my corner of the room, I sit down and type these words upon a keyboard, staring at a computer screen and hoping that whatever I have written all this time will allow me to synthesize and write more, for I do not intend to stop. But I do wonder, and I do wish to clarify all things within my purview and scope.

Am I expressing anything at all? I say that, but I know well that I have already expressed much. I mean, I write 8,000 words a day, should that not be sufficient? I do not why I intend on becoming the creator of all things, but even that ideal sounds like a gone-by age of interpreting idle verses and extending their meaning dynamically so as to produce richness and vastness, which is creatively awe-inspiring. But it is of concern as to whether it is feasible in the long run, throughout the changes of life. There is much to gain in pluralism, beyond a mere ideal of "creator of all things". I recognize that. I want to say "yet" time and time again, as if there is much to consider nonetheless even now. I find myself pointing again and again to that "but", "yet", or "nonetheless" at the end of my written sentences, wishing, wondering, and considering whether this is truly something that fructifies my wandering thoughts, or it merely acts, as mentioned earlier, as ornate oration, beautiful, but mistaken potentially. I do not know, and casting doubt upon this makes me only more likely to reflect and analyze the weight of my experiences and of the past in order to relieve myself completely of the ways in which I have, by my perception, faltered and grown. I do not know whither I will go. But this is sufficient, as a process, as in the now.


July 19, 03:58:19 – July 19, 04:19:54
The Interplay of Immersion and Grounding: Ambient Media Inspiration and the Effect of Mundane Tasks


Even now, I notice there is this express desire to be one with the ambient music Youtube videos I watch. I can see myself desiring to be one with it that I might write a story that immerses myself in such great quantities and qualities of immersion. I find myself in this world, and I find myself capable of immersion, reading either books from the 19th century or inspecting my own novels with the intention of writing new ones upon which my world-creating mind may find purchase. It is that of the establishment of the 'spiritual' (creative-introspective-intracommunicatory) mind in 'grounded concrete' (immersive, grounding, and reifying by placing vast and rich ideas into an empty [imaginary] but dynamic world) fictional contexts. 

I can lie down, take a shower, eat simple rice dishes, drink milk, drink copious water, and go walk around my home with the intent of self-exploration and economy of spirit. There is this sense of creative justice brought in by the recognition of the beauty long ingrained into one's environment through my long history life. There is much to gain in the silence, because the mind, with all that it has gained, is truly made richly flowing. The dark sky and quiet 4 AM early morning environment aids this flow.

When I went to the bathroom, I already knew that as soon as I attempted to remove my shirt while my headphones were still on so as to be clumsy in dealing with this small task, I was grounded. Engaging in minor tasks like organizing dishes upon one's desk, making sure the polyurethane foam of one's headphone pads are clothed neatly with their respective removeable cloth covers before placing the pads against the last layer between the pads and the speakers, taking care of one's bowel movements ground the person in reality, and removing one's headphones is quickly grounding. This is something I can identify because I spent most of my sitting down all day everyday at a computer desk and typing on a keyboard with headphones on. So any minor departure from this immersion counts as grounding.


July 19, 04:39:01 – July 19, 04:53:20
Prioritizing Epistemological Foundations Over Revisiting Past Media: Defining the Basics Before Analyzing the Complex


Part of me wants to go back and play older video games again and read older stories with the intention of analyzing them and seeing how they do like greeting a friend after many years and expressing one's thoughts, ideas, concerns, and beliefs in response to the same old things previously experienced. I want to do that, but at the same time, I do not find myself doing it. I wonder why I do not want to read my favorite web novel again. Maybe I miss the feeling of those experiences more than the actual things themselves, whether it be older games, stories, or things that I did.

I have time constraints in the sense that I am currently busy writing for my autobiography-journal, and much of it is focused on how I might navigate the concept of expression, my methodologies of self-documentation, and the very principles or essential components of epistemology and how I might go about writing. A lot of it is contemplation on writing, self-documentation, methodologies, expression, and epistemology themselves rather than on the content. I feel that this meta-analysis is of greater import than focusing merely on the production of content regarding the past.

It is not that I do not reflect upon the past, but I am reflecting on all manner of basic concepts in order to ensure that I have precisely and comprehensively gone through the initial trouble of ensuring that the words, terms, ideas, and all manner of speech that I used has been explicitly defined. It is not about writing a dictionary, so it is in journal format. And the goal is meta-synthesis, or writing about the basic elements, deriving also past experiences, knowledge, and perceptions, such that one can move to more complex topics more readily. However, when I say complex topics, the very act of the deconstruction of the basic elements is already by itself complex, as it informs any expression thenceforth.

However, it remains to be the case that it is challenging to engage in previously consumed media, and that is likely because I recognize that I have not reached a point of systematic consumption wherein I can define what I read as soon as I consume it. So if I attempt to consume past media, then it will be as if I have not consumed at all, because there is nothing consumed in nothing systematically considered. If one has not the extensive document whereby to define precisely and comprehensively the exact terms, boundaries, scope, and basic elements, then there is little to express in regard to specific, highly complex and nuanced things, such as a 1.6-million word story. There is little to say in that regard, because I have yet to dig up the very basic components of the entirety of life-world such that I may appropriately judge any complex and nuanced extension of it. It is like diving into a pool without tasting the very character of water; there is little to gain in extensions (e.g. pool, sea, and ocean) of that basic concept of water, when "water" remains not distinct and knowable by virtue of an autobiography-journal that sets the lines and boundaries of definition with the help of qualitative written illustrations.

This is why even after averaging 8,000 written words in the last 52 days, which amounts to 428,987 words (as of writing the previous paragraph), I have much still to explore in regard to the basic-elements. This is an ongoing work.


July 19, 04:44:28
Fragmentary Thought: The Rationale Behind One Million Words


This is why one million words


July 19, 06:35:15
Metaphorical Declaration: The Age of Agitprop and the Reaping of the Untold


I will make invalid all men who come forth into my domain, whereupon my soul dances and reaps the harvest of men untold and unspoken until now. The age of agitprop has begun!


July 19, 06:52:17
Fragmentary Realization of Learning Through the Process


By the way, I was wondering... I realized that I learned much in the process.

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July 19, 08:36:52 – July 19, 08:38:32
Considering the Pace of History: Reflecting on Sudden Triggers Versus Underlying Conditions


I believe that the saying "there are decades when nothing happens, and there are weeks when decades happen," is largely visual, as in as it appears to people without accounting for underlying factors and gradations. But it can be due to a sudden "random" instance.

The assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand could be said to be a sudden "random" instance, even if the conditions were already ripe for what would happen next. It was definitely a massive escalation that seemed out of the blue and by a random actor.


July 19, 11:20:26
Weariness Towards Vague, Grandiose Political Statements Lacking Substance


I am tired of long-winded speeches that amount to mere vague grandiose statements. It sounds cultish, and if someone asks, "How are you going to do that?" These grandiose speakers just respond with even more grandiose vague statements like "We will reduce economic burden!"

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July 19, 14:42:32 – July 19, 14:49:30
The Value of Enduring Discomfort: From Showering Rituals to Broader Psychological Resilience


It is interesting that rather than taking a shower being a necessity for me to be comfortable enough to write, I have endured the stickiness of living in a tropical humid climate, especially during the summer, and I have learned to endure it enough to write even while I have not taken a shower, making showering a reward instead of a prerequisite. This makes my quality of life much more satisfying. With high tolerance to pain due to proficiency of a craft under grueling conditions, reward comes stronger. There was a time where any distraction was too much that it precluded me from writing. In fact, even without distractions, I would struggle to write even. This was not a matter of skill specifically, but that of learning to treat the mind and train it to parse through stimuli that it may develop quick wit of processing and tolerance.

This is why instead of waiting for perfect conditions to engage in any activity, learning to endure grueling conditions is much more effective for long-term growth. It is not about linear and immediately visual growth, but that of tempering the cognition and teaching it the ways of process, tolerance, and patience.

This is why I can work in visually messy environments, not because I prefer them, but I have learned tolerance, patience, and process. It is not about being okay with bad conditions and environments. It is about learning how to be independent of them. However, there are limitations of course. I cannot work if it is too hot, since I live in a tropical climate. If it is about pain tolerance, patience, and process, then it is possible to learn, but in the case of actual danger to the body through overheating, then that is something that cannot be excused.

Sitting down in silence does not inherently constitute a physical danger; though some would exaggerate and say that silence makes them physically be in pain. But it can be a psychological one, if one has trauma, or they have not learned to handle silence in cognitive and psychological domains.

Those who have not learned to handle silence through exposure are likely in need of mental training though. This can be likened to the practice of exposing toddlers to peanut butter and other allergy foods in order to reduce the risk of them becoming allergic to them.

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July 20, 03:13:10 – July 20, 03:21:10
Ambivalence Towards Political Commentary: Questioning Habit Formation While Recognizing Its Role in Expanding Perspective


I notice that the morning is when I tend to rub my eyes the most. I guess for me, it is like energizing the exhaustion out of my eyes, though I never do it to the point of making it painful, only as much as a stretch would do.

There is no way that I am learning anything from a political commentator. I feel like I should stop watching because I genuinely feel like I'm getting something out of it. I feel that no normal person should watch a political commentator regularly. It just screams "extremist" to me, and I do not want to be that political guy. I want to make sure to work out my views by myself, and watching a political commentator regularly allows me to do that. But still, is not this all a weird situation?

It is not that I believe everything they say, but I have never really watched political commentary much. The best I did before was watch a philosopher and overviews of political things and history. But that was not straight-up political. I started watching someone who fits the definition of a political commentator. He watches political videos all the time, like from statements from politicians, ect. He then comments on it. It is insane that I find this interesting and curious. I feel that I am gaining something from this, when I could not conceive of the idea of doing this several years ago.

The reason why I find it interesting is that they address things that I ignored for most of my life, so it is weird to see someone care so much about things that I ignored. It makes me realize that there is so much to learn, and it makes me more and more curious. The good thing is that I read books all the time, so watching political commentation makes me more likely to read more political books. This should expand my viewpoint of the world from a strictly non-political viewpoint.

My life has always been about my own life and interests, and that goes the same for my family and my parents. It was only my grandmother who said anything political, because she was there during a very political time during Ferdinand Marcos' presidency. She was part of the Edsa Revolution. I feel most people relate to this dynamic of the grandparent being the most political. 

So connecting with today's politics through political commentation feels like a natural evolution from reading and consuming so much about history, political history, and learning so much about the world outside the political context. I have been learning much about the history of science, philosophy, literature, economics, and all sorts of topics. Yet I have yet to study about today's politics that much, only learning much about politics through Youtube comments, but with which I engaged at surface-level at best. So the good thing is that I did not turn to political commentation about modern politics firstly, but after engaging with almost everything else.

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July 20, 04:52:38 – July 20, 05:16:46
Harnessing Consumptive Build-Up and Discomfort as Catalysts for Focused Writing Output


I need to focus on something. I need to start writing down about stuff. I have already written a short media analysis of one manga, but I have yet to write an analysis of all the manga I've consumed. I can choose another manga and write an analysis of it. It should not be that difficult. I can also begin writing down analyses of people that I knew from the past. What else... I can also go through emails and write down important information that happened and on what date. I have many things that I can do, but I guess I've been focused on political commentation and trying to understand social media a lot better. If I understand social media and today's politics much better, that should make it easier for me to handle people when I start livestreaming again. It could also help me see how this renewed perspective can inform my writing better, not dominantly, but as a part of a well-rounded approach.

The thing is that I do not have a strong opinion just yet on a lot of things, because I'm still studying a lot. I can talk about my own life though and about the thigns that I consumed by focusing on how they appeared to me and affected me at those times. However, I am still studying academic texts, and my goal is to write much about every single issue, talking point, and any concern throughout history, science, politics, philosophy, and everything. I will also do the same with people that I have met, media that I have consumed, and past experiences and knowledge. The goal is to respond to everything, and the best way to do that is to continue writing in my autobiography-journal, which is currently around 1 million words. When I say I do not have a strong opinion, I mean that I have yet to respond precisely and comprehensively in writing. That is what I'm going to do with everything practically.

I guess it's okay to expose myself to things without developing an answer just yet; however, I do need to continue working and writing about things, lest I consume endlessly without thought. The good thing is that when consuming without writing, there is this build-up of energy, motivation, and healthy discomfort that has to do with consuming merely, and once I am done with a particular session of consumption, my brain releases all of that pent-up thoughts, ideas, concerns, stress, frustration, and motivation. That is patience, and it is necessary to be mindful and let it build up.

That release of build-up comes out as writing, and that is what has allowed me to average over 8,000 written words over the course of the last 53 days. Even now, I am not only dealing with present realizations with present things, but also present realizations with past things. It is a combination, blend, mix, and synthesis, and it takes time to process all of that. Allowing me to endure the process and patience allows me to be more mindful and intentional when writing finally. The time it takes to write is contingent upon whether I have sorted out my thoughts, and that is what a healthy balance of consumption, mindfulness, and writing allows me to do.

What is most important in the context of my current journey is that discomfort is not a waste of time. If it drives me to write more and more, then that is not wasted. The fact that I write most when I am a little uncomfortable demonstrates this. The more uncomfortable and aware I am because of that discomfort, the easier it is to take the time to identify, delineate, and analyze it. It takes time and effort to organize thoughts, and discomfort can certainly impede that. But that is not necessarily true either. Discomfort, if it comes as new information, experiences, and ways of looking at the world, is essential to a productive life, because it prevents one from falling too hard into nonsense and a narrow view-set. It allows for a more well-rounded experience of life by emphasizing the need to maintain oneself and keep one's composure or need to describe the self in a time of shifting and changing. Without that shifting and changing, we would not need to find words to keep ourselves stable, and it is through such discomfort that we are pressured to consider things from multi-various angles and to put our experiences into externalizations and systematizations that we might release the discomfort experienced. In this case, discomfort is a catalyst for output.

If a person can write down profusions of entire worlds spanning millions of words while sitting on a unstable rock, using one's legs uniquely to balance oneself and alternating them regularly, having shelter under the overhang of a cave, and holding a piece of paper with a broken quill, then that is ideal for tolerance, patience, and process. Though, this is an exaggeration. What I mean to say is that when one can write masterpieces after training his body and mind to handle the stresses of life, then that means he has succeeded in the goal, which was not merely to write, but to be transcendently capable. Of course, the imagery depicts a person who will not write that much realistically. But in the case of a person struggling to make sense of everything. The cornered rat is forced to write, or the person who has locked himself in a room in order to learn how to live with the stresses of himself that he might understand what he is and by what ways he can optimize himself is ideal. Naturally, this needs to be taken with nuance. No one idealizes self-destruction, but the development of one's mind-body that they might create works beyond regular means while managing themselves with the greatest ease. This does not invalidate those who are yet in the process and who have not reached a typical ideal state. This does invalidate the desire to eschew things that are truly dangerous for a point of time. This not contradict the wish to find ways to manage one's wellbeing and mental health well. Rather, this offers a look into a world of temperance, patience, and process.

It takes time and effort for a person to sit still and write great masterpieces. They would have to have been exposed to much, while being capable of processing it all, including the entirety of their life and the challenges their mind-body are exposed to while writing. It is not about creating the best literary works necessarily, but about delineating vastness and richness. This capacity to be all of these requires much time, space, resources, and support, and it is not something achieved by pure will. But it takes a lot of willpower to endure the pressure, and not everyone will be able to take it, not because of a moral fault or that of the willpower, but a reflection of the limitations imposed by one's life history circumstances, and the current conditions under which they find themselves. It is one that one must take in stride and experience it in full nonetheless. The aforementioned transcendent state is one of overtime refinement via time, space, resources, support, and a particular combination of life history, life experiences, knowledge, list circumstances, and conditions. So it should be viewed as an ideal rather than something gained without its essential empirically explorable elements which are prerequisite.


July 20, 05:27:27
Figurative Depiction of Achieving Transcendence Through Uninhibited Movement


I can see a man walking around taking their time. They perceive colorful landscapes with their eyes alone, and their hands and feet are controllable and manipulatory, creating breezes with their movements, and with their expressionist emotions, they advance a stage of imagery, upon which a variety of states takes position. They leap off the canvas and are by themselves dancing colors fading into the landscape. This man is no longer his own person, but that of a mighty transcendent state, one that emerges out of the woodwork firstly before emerging vibrantly like swords slashing forward in a hurried clash. It is not of weakness, but of humility that his transcendant arrogant appearance becomes known area-wide. He loosens his fingers, raising them and curling them before letting them to be thrash about. It is here that he emerges first from his farthest fingertip to the end of his back. He becomes freed in this state of motion, emerging emotionally like a flower in anthesis.


July 20, 06:01:28 – July 20, 06:23:35
Questioning Foundational Academic Terms ("Socialism," "Feudalism") and the Resulting Sense of Loss and Obsolescence


I realized there are some things that make completely invalid certain positions that take up numerous texts. For example, if one does not consider China to be a true socialist state and considers it state capitalist without socialist elements, only officially so but not actually, that can overturn numerous books that rely on China being the quintessential socialist state.

What I am saying is that if someone disagrees with foundational assumptions of very general terms like what is an example of "socialism", then that overturns all the books that have a traditional Western viewpoint of "socialism" and its "examples".

It is like all books that use the term "feudalist". There are numerous academic texts that use it, and if someone believes that its use of vague and meaningless and is not accurate at all, then that invalidates any theoretical positions contingent upon the term "feudalist". That also includes any interpretation of examples and evidence which they have placed under the lens "feudalist".

This means that all the academic texts that are founded upon "feudalist" will be as useful as phrenology texts. It is good for history of science, but not for actual empirical science, because it is too inaccurate to be scientific.

What if "feudalism" was a fictional term? That is the reason why I compare it to pseudoscience like phrenology. What if it was viewed to be useless that historians avoid using it completely. It would be the same treatment as with pseudoscience. Even if they do not officially call "feudalist" to be pseudoscientific, they may treat it analogously.

When the very terms upon which academic texts are founded are suspect, compromised, inaccurate, or just as bad as pseudoscience in scientific progress and understanding, then that is a big event of scientific revision, just like when phrenology and the idea of spontaneous generation were wiped out abruptly.

If we continue to use outdated inaccurate viewpoints of the world, we become dogmatic. That is why something as normalized as "feudalism" should be subject to scientific inquiry and skepticism, even if it means treating all works dependent upon that foundation as outdated and inaccurate upon the discovery of its lack of ability to hold up.

It should be even more frequent nowadays in the Age of Fnformation for entire foundational assumptions to be overturned rather than made even more solid and unstoppably dogmatic. This is an opportunity for us to examine everything we've ever known critically, with the profusion of so much knowledge and learning.

It is painful though to leave behind entire books once someone realizes that all their arguments stem from this one foundational error. It is like realizing that the very text I read about phrenology with its hundreds of pages and papers is rendered an oudated viewpoint. This means that everything written therein is wrong because everything stems from this one assumption. It is sad to see entire academic texts crumble. It is like seeing a building fall apart because its foundation was faulty, when everything built upon it was beautiful and worked hard on. It was beautiful from the foundation to the top, but the foundation failed to pass the check, making the entire thing false and gone.

Even if we must abandon entire magnificent edifices because of their erring foundations, we must do so. 

The edifice was beautiful, and one could compare it to a friend one passes by everyday. It is like this memory of many years, and it reminds one of the tough time and good times. But throughout all those times, it was there. Then someone tells me that it is going to be demolished because of its erring foundation. There can be a reaction against it, and I might wish they just let it be and found a way to keep it the way it is somehow. But the officials said that it was too much work and tax money to try to keep everything and that it was much more efficient to demolish it. I realize at that point, that the friend that I knew and that could be said to be a definition and reminder of my life was now gone.

That is what it is like to stare upon academic texts and to realize that everything I knew of it was underlyingly erring without my realization.

At one point, it made sense, and life made sense under the shadow of that edifice, of that framework. At one point, everything was clear, beautiful, vast, curious, and rich. But with time and maturity, one may soon learn that it is time to let go and move on. That edifice or framework is outdated, and its foundations are erring. This is reality, and one must not treat the past as if it was great. I know that I was dumb and weak and worse before and that even if it made sense, it was based on false foundational assumptions. But part of me still remembers that it did make sense, even if it was all a lie or an oversimplification of reality.

Entire histories are overturned and uprooted, but now they are rememebered as history and not as part of continuous reality, because they are outdated.

In fact, studying history has allowed me to move forward and become a lot more skeptical of established structures. It has allowed me to move on and learn more, but that does not mean that I will not get nostalgic for times where I was more ignorant. That is the truth. It is a mix of nostalgia and a recognition of the growth I have obtained throughout the years.

Even if the past was all a lie, there is a desire to make sense of it anyway, from my more sober and informed perspective many years later. I did experience a lot of awesome things, and I have grown a lot. All of it validates me today, and I appreciate everything from my vast and rich past. But yeah...

I think I feel the same toward the loss of academic structures because it reminds me of loss. It reminds me of personal loss. I have personified those academic structures such that when I realized that they were foundationally erring, I was reminded again of my own personal losses in my life.

I internalized them and made it personal, but I am not static or stuck. I eventually move on and learn to appreciate a more refined perspective. I continue to self-document in my autobiography-journal, reaching around 1 million words and writing 8,000 words everyday in the last 53 days. But yeah... that is it I guess.

Imagine that though. Imagine so many years of hearing certain terms and then realizing that they are now outdated and gone. That can hurt a little. It is like when I miss older Roblox and realizing that everything that I knew in that peak time of my life is now gone and outdated. It is not that it was not valuable, but it is like an oudated academic framework. At one point, that was all new and novel and awesome and peak. But now, it is in the past now.

We must move on, lest we become too attached to stagnation.


July 20, 07:22:01
Announcing Indefinite Hiatus for a Demanding Transcript Project Due to Marginal Benefit


The following transcript has been placed on indefinite hiatus for the time being, giving that writing it has required much of me, with little benefit to my long-term growth any more; though it has been a safe way for me to explore virtual contexts and how they might arouse literary interest, even in a fictional capacity, wherein my studies could intersect. Nevertheless, the success of the content is marginal, but it has been set to inform my methodologies of self-documentation, my fiction novel writing, and that of general communication with the use of Google Docs, Roblox, and the Internet space in general.



July 20, 07:33:15
Delineating "Compartments" (Storage) and "Modules" (Process Units) in the Context of Writing and Organization


I have spent much of my time considering how I might place everything within their own compartments or modules and how I might modularize the process of recollection; however, modularizing visually my process can run into issues of external organziation, which do not come into impact with the actual writing itself, but have to do more with the writing process, such as the use of Notion. However, I recognize the use of structure and organization as part of the inherent writing process, wherein paragraphs and sentences are syntactically constructed such that they were coherent and intelligible. So this can viewed as modularization or compartmentalization, but besides that, I make note that modules are more than just compartments. And modules are not necessarily compartments at the basic level. Modules are things that are reused as part of an ongoing process, like module scripts used by actual scripts as part of a modularized process where module scripts are placed inside or in a separate location where they are accessed in a structured tree so that they can be accessed by intersecting sub-systems within the workspace architecture. Compartments, however, can be viewed as storage containers, rather than divisions in a company, so the use of "compartments" and "modules" can overlap with regard to the same focal object, activity, or idea; however, their use is to be delineated separately for the sake of clarity. So when I engage in modularization of structured and organized writing with paragraphs, headings, and syntactic arrangement, that can also be considered each a storage container, or compartment wherein data is invested. Uprooting a storage container is different from uprooting a module, so in broader handling or management and treatment of the modularized or compartmentalized, there is distinction at different hierarchical levels and each by their nuances and complexities of function. It is not simply numbers, but their function which is of import in the differentiation of their purposes and intents.


July 20, 07:41:11
Addendum: Clarifying the Intent Behind the Compartment/Module Delineation


This is more a conceptual delineation if anything. I thought I should clarify how I would word this out in case it it supposed that I use these terms without a particular a generalizable definition for it to use in various contexts.

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July 20, 12:42:02 – July 20, 13:30:07s

The Paradox of Seeking Discomfort: Mind-Flushing Rituals, the Desire for Weakness, and Appreciating the Present


I think it's a necessity for me at this point, but I'll wait and see. I spent a portion of my day just lying down and mindlessly scrolling through Youtube, but I do it because I am letting my spine rest. But it also allows me to submerge in discomfort. For some reason, there is this desire almost everyday to do something that allows the mind to rest and not think too much, and sometimes, that means just basking in mild discomfort, like not taking a shower just yet and feeling humid. Or not cleaning up my desk just yet. For some reason, it helps me just cleanse my mind so that when I finally take a shower, it is this deep wash that cleanses everything and all the cognitive sediment accumulated throughout my focused writing and studying becomes washed away. For some reason, the basking-in-discomfort part is essential.

It is weird. Why would I wait for a while before taking a shower? Why is it relaxing to wait until I am at my limit before I take a shower? Why not take a shower as soon as discomfort settles in? It feels like I allow myself the discomfort of lying down, letting the humidity stick on my body, and allowing my desk to stay messy for a while, before I finally take a shower. And that release is even more beautiful and wonderful than if I did not endure or allow the discomfort to settle in. It feels like it has to settle in for it to feel like true release, as if it serves as a break of its own and taking a shower serves as a get-back-to-work motion.

There is this weird desire to be weak, and it is the reason why I have demonstrated strong capacity of working out at the gym, specifically working out 2 hours everyday for a portion of a single month. This might be extending here in my desire to let the humidity stick, allow the desk to be messy for now, and just lying down and scrolling through Youtube Shorts, because once the release comes, with the desk being cleared, the stickiness of sweat and icky smell being washed away in taking a shower, and the shift from boring mindless Youtube Shorts to fulfilling writing, it feels so glorious and right. It feels like that weakness is required.

I notice that I feel the same toward social shame. I find myself finding this weird satisfaction with being shamed. It is like this weird desire to be look at as weak and horrible. I mean, I can easily explain as compensating behavior because I carry bad memories of being expected from a lot because I was top 1, did well, and was a very pious and kind kid growing up. There is this weird desire to be real and vulnerable even now, and there is this desire for people to see me as I am. I will be precise and comprehensive with my life, and that is what I intend with the autobiography-journal. I am proud of myself, so I feel that exposing myself, even if it makes me anxious, is exciting, refreshing, and allows me to feel normal. It came with growing up and being taught to go out there, stand up for others, and do the right thing even if no one is looking.

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July 20, 14:16:27 – July 20, 14:21:43
The Power of Rare Experiences for Detailed Recall: Reflecting on Documentation Strategy and Skill Development


Fine detail of this level is rare even for me who writes 8,000 words a day. The reason is because converting experiences that just happened into highly specific detail is hard, and that is why my dreams can be challenging to write, even if I want to write in high detail. As for the reason of this, it takes very strong writing skills, and because I have written much already, I was able to write this much. The above-stated passage is my most precise and comprehensive passage yet, even taking the time to go back and forth to cover everything. It will only become easier as time goes on. I spent most of my time in my room, so I have little need to think about anything else. So most of my energy and focus is spent on writing, making it so that when I do end up going outside and having much to think about that I find appealing enough to document in writing, it will be highly concentrated, because the rare experience of going outside is like touching a baby's skin, making it incredibly memorable in contrast with when one goes outside everyday to the point of routine.

This is my goal, and it is why I am very careful over my real-life experiences, preferring to keep everything as low-maintanence as possible in order to focus all my effort on documenting my past and writing proficiency, so that if I do have real-life experiences, they will be very easy to document and write down. It will be much easier for me to repond systematically to the systemic issues of life when I let the experiences occur in concentrations and bursts rather than in routine. My routine will be composed only of the systematic development of my writing skills and of the autobiography-journal, and this will only become a lot more streamlined as I systematize my everyday life and my entire life. It takes much patience, and I have much room still to organize and structure this process, even with my autobiography-journal already being around 1 million words. Many methodologies have yet to be formalized, and I have yet to analyze every basic element of my life and process of self-documentation. 


July 20, 14:28:14 – July 20, 15:21:11
Delineating Life's "Essentials" Before Deeper Documentation and Understanding Nostalgia as a Present Creation


To be honest, after going outside, I feel doubtful whether I will be able to write down everything about my past in great detail; moreover, I recognize that my past can be overwritten if I am not careful. This is why I am careful over travelling nowadays unlike my highly outgoing, traveling, and sociable younger self, because I feel like there is much to gather up and put into words preconditionally. I hope that the autobiography-journal can make it so that every basic element of my life has been placed into words. The goal is to have everything that I have ever experienced written down in great detail so that when I go outside, I can go out with fresh eyes rather than eyes that feel blotted by an excess of memories that bicker to be written down.

When I say the word "basic", I feel that this basic word should be clarified. I am refer to basic ideas like going to the shop, eating chicken, or the concept of a water bottle. If I have not written down extensively about it with the aid of my vast and rich life, then that presents a treasure chest to be opened that deserves an in-depth dive. I have so many memories with the concept of "going to the shop", "eating chicken", and "a water bottle". It is not only memories. It is not a simple series of events that occurred that I remember. But it is this in-depth dive into my intellectual, emotional, and foundational ideas, assumptions, viewpoints of life which intersected with basic elements like the foregoing.

I can view things with a functional viewpoint, but it is only fair for me to write down everything that I know about a basic concept like "a water bottle" if I am ever to write down anything that mentions such basic concepts, because those will mean so much to me that others will not understand. They will not understand the connotations that I place onto basic concepts because of my vast and rich life, the numerous memories of which have intersected with these essentials. I think the term "essentials" best characterizes such basic concepts that seem utterly meaningless and non-descript. But each person imbues them with so much that it is unfair for me to write down so much about anything without delineating firstly the essentials.

This is why recently, I've been writing much about the process of writing, self-documentation, studying, reflection, and consumption. The delineation of these sets the stage for everything that I will write moving forward, and it allows me to write with much greater methodological clarity, purpose, intent, systematicness, linearity, coherence, and streamlining. However, I should repeat that I am around one million words already in my journal, so I have written a lot already. A large portion of my writing has treated the process of writing. As for what "process of writing" covers, this includes the delineation of basic phrases, words, and concepts like the aforesaid examples.

However, while writing may seem like a useless or boring part of the process that does not treat the main topic of my life, it does go into depth when it comes to my life, as writing is directly connected to language, which is directly connected to the entirety of my life. While I did not have the exact phrases and words for numerous experiences of my life in the time that I experienced them, all of it is directly connected to my language—which contains beyond mere words, but emotions that remain within my soul and memories that contain all of those feelings, concepts, perception, ideas, and viewpoints constituting the entirety of my life—as it has evolved throughout the years and continues to develop today. In short, my life is there in my writing.

Furthermore, memories contain all the five senses, and the combinations of so many elements such as feelings, ideas, visual data, and smells can be so unique so as to require a highly unique set of conditions for sudden recollection.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am making new memories by writing my memories down, thus effectively creating a cycle of memories and the need to document them down. The good thing is that my writing process is that—writing. The good thing is that even if writing the memories themselves down constitutes memories itself, I can continue to write anyway. When I write about my entire life, I remember so much, but it is interesting to think that everything that I have written down about my life constitutes its own memories. It hurts to look at an image of a beautiful fictional landscape like a still video recording of a beautiful forest in Minecraft with beautiful ambient or soothing piano music playing and to feel that it is simultaneously so vivid, vibrant, full, vast, and rich and yet feel so strongly that it is absolutely artificial, nothing, and paper-deep. 

The very act of writing creates something new, and that is a weird feeling to comprehend. My attempts at writing down about Minecraft and all the memories that it offers by showing my this beautiful idyllic landscape; however, I wonder if those memories are even real sometimes. It is not that I have memories, but I realize now that his video recording of this beautiful Minecraft forest landscape with ambient or soothing piano music playing is not something I've encountered in my life. I have never seen this in my life, and this music video is new to me. But it reminds me of the past and of my memories, but the thing is that this feeling of nostalgia is new itself. I never experienced what I feel right now when I had those past experiences. In fact, when I was there, everything was simply exciting and mundane to me at the time. When I experienced things, it was this simple schoolboy attitude to life, and I did not think so much. When I did think, it was intense, and it was concentrated on social experiences and awkwardness and all that schoolboy social stuff.  I did have deep experiences, but much of it was curious, young, mundane, and occasionally intense in a social teenage awkward way. My nostalgia and the aforesaid video that arouses nostalgia in me is new. I am making new memories right now.

A painting that depicts past experiences is a new creation. The "painting" of the feeling of nostalgia, a nostalgic video, and the expressions that I make from being inspired by this nostalgia are new experiences that amount to memories.

While the feeling of nostalgia may focus on the past, it is a new feeling every time, as we are influenced by the present self and everything that we are right now in contrast with the past.

If I look at a new painting in a new place in a new evolved self in a new world in a new situation with new expressions and get a feeling of nostalgia and reflect on the past, while the mind shifts its focus to the past, that is an entirely new experience that the past cannot be said to have experienced. It is the new present self that did experience it, something unobtainable by the past self.

So my attempts to avoid overwriting my past memories makes sense, but that does not meant that my attempts to write down everything in my autobiography-journal and pausing everything else will mean that I will not make new memories. I can avoid overwriting my past memories, but I cannot pretend that the person I am today has easy mnemonic relation to my past self. It is going to take active intentional effort to remember the past, and this process of remembering the past and writing it down will only be marked by new memories. Even if I avoid overwriting my memories, I will make new ones that will supplant past ones at the seat of my mind.

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July 21, 07:41:54 – July 21, 07:58:54
Solace in Forgotten Texts and the Path to Wholeness Through Writing and Planned Media Analysis


Part of what helps me in the present is looking to older texts from the past. It helps me learn new things while helping me feel that I am not alone in this aloneness and being forgotten. These older texts are full of life and character, full of personality and wit, and full of soul and grit. Yet no one is reading them today. It is weird to feel a sense of unity in this feeling of nostalgia and loss among older texts, and that is why I enjoy reading older texts from the early 20th century, 19th century, and even the 18th and 17th century. It helps me calm down in a way. I see so much cause for inspiration in those older texts, and I can imagine that all of the ideas, thoughts, and experiences I have resemble things written down in some text that I have not read yet. But that is fine, even if there are going to be things that have been written down about before. But I do know that my experiences are particularly mind, because I have the most access to my own particular experiences. But yeah, there are going to be so many worlds, lives, ideas, things, thoughts, and experiences that can only be accessed through those older texts and even many texts by people attempting to capture everything precise and comprehensively rather than writing a generic forgettable story simply.

I can write a story right now and cover everything as much as I can, using it as a way to synthesize all the ideas, themes, thoughts, characters, personalities, conversations, and memories that come into my mind as I write it. I can do that as a way to cope, but yeah, I think that with time, there is this feeling that I have experienced this before. At one point, it is a struggle to make Roblox games like I wanted to keep doing, because I have learned and grown too much to the point that I cannot pretend anymore to be surprised. And because I am not surprised, it can feel repetitive. Older Roblox is gone, and I do not know if I can pretend to be who I was back in my first 14 years of life. I cannot do and be the person that I intended to be at the tip of my first 14 years of life. Or maybe I can... I do not know. Maybe I will be able to become one with the first 14 years of my life and be able to achieve the goals and objectives that I wanted to achieve back then. The only way for this to happen is if I feel truly connected to my first 14 years of life so as to feel like it is not someone else who is achieving those goals, but this wholeness of self. If I make a Roblox game today, it will not feel the same as if I was whole and one with the first 14 years of my life. It is more than just achieving goals, but being the particular person who wanted those goals in the first place. And I think trying to be that person from the first 14 years of my life is not something that I can achieve just yet, if ever. I will keep writing down about the entirety of my life in hopes that I can feel whole enough to synthesize everything and then do things with and in this wholeness—the coming-together of all things.

Do you think it is possible to reconciliate my past self and my current self, to become whole?

I want to reach the point that if I do something, it is my whole self, not this present self only. But this whole self. It has to be to the point that I can answer any question accurately and with great clarity about anything, whatever it may be. This is why I have listing down every media I consumed in my life. If I can answer everything about anything based on the entirety of my life, then that would be in line with this idea of wholeness. I want to make a Roblox game and feel that it is this whole self that is creating it. 

The good thing is that I have data from the past, so it is not like I have way to remember the past. It is more so that it will take time for my mind to process everything.

In short, it will take time.


July 21, 08:00:49
Noting Word Count Progress and Increased Ease When Reviewing 2017 Notes


As of the last paragraph, I have written 454,417 words in 55 days. I can already tell based on when I was looking at digital notes from 2017 that I feel much more at ease and can confront them with much more ease and confidence.


July 21, 08:13:16
Feeling Calmer Towards Past Notes; Prioritizing Media Analysis as the Next Step


Looking at digital notes I made back in 2017 and 2018, I feel much calmer, and I do not feel that intense as much as I used to. Sooner or later, as soon as I have tackled this next project of writing down all the media I've consumed and giving my thoughts on each of them, that should promote the ease and confidence I have with regard to looking through things from the past. I already have a list of media, so all I need to do is take the time to think about them and analyze them based on my memories.


July 21, 08:30:02 – July 21, 08:34:28
Recalled Analysis of "I Get Stronger the More I Eat": Plot Points, Villain Protagonist, and Power Dynamics


I read the manga "I Get Stronger the More I Eat", and I remember that by the time it first released in Webtoon, it was downvoted a lot, or to be more accurate, it was given a low rating. By the time I last read this on the Webtoon application, it was on chapter 94 and August 24, 2023. Anyway, moving on to the actual story, when I read it, I found the first chapter mildly strange and confusing. However, it was interesting to see it all tie up to form the premise of a powerful villanous protagonist with no empathy for even the cute baby dragon, because he was using it as bait or as part of a diversion tactic of some kind in order to kill the dragon. Oh, wait, I remember now. The protagonist faked that the baby dragon was killed by an orc or troll or lizard or something in order to divide and conquer. I remember that he ate a slime at the start as well, and the comments were pointing out that it was obviously a parody or mockery of the protagonist "Rimuru Tempest" from the manga "That Time I Got Reincarnated As a Slime". To explain how I am going about this analysis, I am not going to go back and re-read it because seeing what I remember is part of it. I remember that the protagonist later met with this dude who knows that he comes from another world. It was shown that he came from another world and that he had the same powers from that previous world. The dude he met is from that previous world, and they were both transported here to this new world where the story takes place. Anyway, what happens next is that the protagonist and the dude team up in order for the dude to grow in power. The story is then comprised of the protagonist taking over the entire world, being brutal and villanous in a cold, calculating, and callous way, and then winning in the end, betraying even the dude. It is a weird story, and I read it primarily because the main character was so weird. The story was strange at times and introduced strange plot lines and background stories; however, I did not find it too bothering at all. But it was definitely lifeless, but that is the point of the main character. There was this occasion when the protagonist teamed up with this girl who was a priest but had a demon side to her, and she was a fan favorite for a time. But even she was discarded because she soon went against the protagonist. In the end, the protagonist beat everyone, and I think there was this god in the end. I do not remember the ending exactly, but I remember that the protagonist also had to fight a bad guy that was similar to him. The protagonist's powers was basically being able to use the powers of the things he eats, so he can use poison or something from a monster he eats. I do not know if there is anything left to say about it. It was pretty immersive enough, and I liked the scenes where he is this powerful creature who was being used as a part of the empire whereof the aforesaid dude was leader. In reality though, this dude relied upon the powerful protagonist to be this very powerful. In the end, the protagonist won, and that was the end. It was a vertical Webtoon comic like Tower of God, but it did not have the same level of immersion. But it is also because it is a vastly different story. If I compare it to anything else, I will only highlight its particular characteristics, not necessarily its faults. It chose to give a strong focus on particular characters, but there were occasions where the story felt large-scale. Though the choice of the art style and focus clearly made it much smaller in visual and narrative scope, even if the protagonist was taking on entire countries. 	

I should emphasize that there was emotional depth at times, because it did show that people were trying hard to defeat the protagonist, with animosity, revenge, and all kinds of emotions in their attempt. But it was not as complex, varied, and interconnected as many other stories. I felt that it chose to focus more on the protagonist's power rather than going into much depth. However, there were many occasions where the characters were given depth through dialogue, dynamics, relationships, and their connections to each other. I remember this one time when the protagonist decided to pretend to be this dragon person and befriended this guy whom he had wronged by killing his sister. I do not know why the author decided to have the protagonist do this, but the acting as the cheery, sociable, and friendly giant half-dragon half-person was done such that there were no signs that it was the protagonist in the eyes of the guy. So when it was finally revealed, the guy went crazy and still lost. I do not know why the protagonist had to be this calculatingly brutal so as to create the most powerful betrayal ever, but he did.

Power dynamics were a key theme of the story. I am reminded of the girl who teamed up with the protagonist. I remember that the protagonist helped her or something, and he even guided her on her path to becoming a monster. The protagonist did not show emotion, but it was portrayed as a mentor-student relationship. This dynamic changes as the story unfolds, but this, along with the deceiver-victim relationship between the protagonist and the guy who had lost his sister to him, epitomizes power dynamics.

To emphasize the theme, he does not only guide her. He manipulates her, turning her from priestess to enjoying the feeling of being a monster. He activated the monstrosity dormant within her.


July 21, 08:46:21 – July 21, 08:49:18
Combating Forgetting: The Value of Documenting Media Consumption for Appreciation and Preservation


Moving on to the broader level of my life, it is interesting that despite liking the story, I have forgotten it. I realize now that analyzing stories will allow me to appreciate them by exposing what I liked about them and what I saw in them. No one will ever know that I liked it, and even I will soon forget if I do not write it down. I have to document everything about the media I've consumed from my perspective in hopes that I never lose sight of the things that I enjoyed. I liked the story, and I went through the effort of reading the entire story, which is around 100 chapters. I read the rest of the chapters in another website.

100 chapters is not just anything, and it is important that I never forget the days when even 8 hours of using the computer in one day was a very long time. I remember when I first started shifting from an hour and 30 minutes everyday to 2 hours to 4 hours to 6 hours and to 8 hours. I have forgotten how lengthy it felt to move from 1 hour and 30 minutes to 6 hours of daily using time. This goes the same for reading 100 chapters. At one point, that was a lot, and I've gotten used to stories with hundreds of chapters, having even read a handful of stories with more than a 1000 chapters. Though I did stop at 800 chapters at one of them, and I did not finish them at all, stopping around 1,000, 1,200, or around that number. But these novels had over a million words at least. Anyway, when it comes to 100 chapters of a vertical web comic, it is much different, but the same principle still applies. Documenting my experiences with each of the media I have consumed allows me to remember and value the experience of spending several 8 hours everyday for a week or so reading a whole story. I have to remember what it felt like to spend hours reading many chapters, and I need to express my appreciation lest I forget. 

Imagine forgetting 100 chapters. Imagine forgetting the hundreds of books I read during my childhood. That would be horrible. That would be a loss.

Imagine forgetting just how much I enjoyed each of those books, stories, and chapters.

I do not want to forget any longer. I will remember again what I enjoyed and immortalize them.


July 21, 08:51:56
Fragmentary Thought Regarding Enjoyment


I find it interesting that I enjoyed the 


July 21, 08:53:40
Memory of Watching and Enjoying "That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime" in July 2020


I remember watching "That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime" in July 2020. I remember how much I enjoyed the story; although since that is 4 years ago, I do not remember much from that time. But I can remember what it felt like.


July 21, 09:58:58
Observation on the Daunting Task of Recalling All of "One Piece"


One Piece is especially a damning story if the goal is to remember it all.

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July 21, 10:47:42 – July 21, 11:04:08
Envisioning the Future Archival Value of 21st-Century Self-Documentation Amidst Digital Ephemerality


It is weird to imagine the future where the books and Youtube videos released in the 21st will be used to understand history. There are numerous videos of people going into active conflicts and capturing footage of important events, and these will be treated as credible sources in the future likely.

If we had Youtube videos of people living in the 19th century, that would be revolutionary. Imagine millions of videos of people going about their everyday with vlogs, news, and all sorts of videos. That would be insane, and that is what I mean by credibility in the future with regard to videos in this 21st century.

People in the future (e.g. 22nd century) would do the same we in the 21st century do with books from 18th century and 19th century texts. We see the biases and what was normalized in those times.

This is why I am serious about writing my autobiography-journal. I will be hopefully capture a very strong empirical scope of the entirety of my life. I am not writing with limited tools like back in the 19th century. I am writing with a keyboard, and I can average 8,300 written words everyday. I have much to talk about, and I can write very quickly. Imagine how much value this will have in the future if it ever becomes a resource.

In the 22nd century, all those things that I have experience in my life that are not popular will likely not be archived. Only I can capture them and archive these unpopular things myself. I have many things that I have experienced and seen that are not documented because they are not popular, and that is the import of documenting them myself. 

There are numerous interactions, events, and situations that epitomizes this very unique slice of life that constituted my little community composed of 1,000 people. Imagine losing the subculture of 1,000 members, not even including their extended families and friends.

This goes the same for digital subcultures and communities, and that is precisely why it is important that we continue to document and use the best tools of our modern day. I have seen Youtube videos and all manner of people recording digital footage with recording software like Open-Broadcast Software (OBS). People are also livestreaming and saving these livestreams as VODs (Videos on Demand), such that they are permanently saved on platforms like Youtube. Not everyone tends to write and document qualitatively, but there are numerous forum posts, comments, and replies. There are numerous public digital conversations; the issue is that not everyone intends to document and archive everything. This is something not everyone recognizes just yet—the importance of documenting and archiving experience. Many people mistake the terms "documents" and "archives" for unimportant official stuff that are not relevant. They mistake it to refer to the texts from decades or centuries before. However, they are relevant to our digital age with the events, interactions, experiences, and knowledge we share everyday today. It will soon be history, and if people have no intention of documenting it because of this illusion of the permanence of the present, then they will lose so much memories, experiences, data, knowledge, and culture. To fight against this, I am going to great lengths to document and archive everything covering the entirety of my life. I hope to inspire people to document and archive everything as much as they can.

I do not know how to raise awareness of the need for documentation, preservation, and archival, since I am not a communicator much beyond my autobiography-journal. I am used to books, not things like making videos or social media posts, so I have yet to establish a division of my operations focused on communication through social media beyond my rare simple posts every so often to Facebook friends. I have tried becoming a lot more active, but I was only rewarded with the realization of how limited social media can be when it comes to covering actual quality data and information. There is so much unnecessary noise and repetition in social media that I have turned to older texts as a way to get my mind working and inspired. This is why I have turned to averaging 8,300 written words everyday in my autobiography-journal as a way to optimize precision, comprehensiveness, and quality rather than brute-forcing social media posts to which I feel that people will not relate. Most of the social media posts are both relatability and very engaging, generalizability, and eye-catching information. If they do not fit these requirements, I feel that it will fall short and become frustrated effort.

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July 21, 22:49:25 – July 21, 22:56:34
Healthy Detachment: Distinguishing Tool-Based AI Interaction and Vicarious Engagement from Parasocial Relationships


I find it interesting that the detachment that I feel from AI is a sign of someone who has healthy relationship with AI. The fact that I feel a sense of detachment also toward watching livestreamers is a hint of a healthy relationship. This "healthy relationship" is contrasted with a parasocial one. There is a difference between connecting with a character in a story for the duration of the story as opposed to developing a parasocial relationship with them, and because I have both experienced a parasocial relationship, namely with the character Violet Evergarden, and have experienced a healthier detachment, I can tell when I am experiencing a healthy relationship or a parasocial one.

The parasocial relationship I had with Violet Evergarden fortunately lasted only for the duration of the anime and only several weeks afterwards. This was the longest parasocial relationship I ever had, and this was one of only a few times. In fact, I think this was the only one, because afterwards, I never felt anything toward Violet Evergarden. However, I did rewatch Youjo Senki (The Saga of Tanya the Evil), and one could say that I had a parasocial relationship with the anime. But I do not think parasocial relationship is one in relation to an anime, so it likely does not fall under the classification.

I did feel a sense of grief and loss, because it connected to my grief and loss from personal life events. So it was not a parasocial relationship and more so a vicarious one in the sense that it served as a way for me to process my own grief and loss in a safe space, and the character Violet Evergarden served as a symbolic conduit for that.

One can see from my phone that I move through different characters regularly. I may feel one with a character during the duration of their relevance (as in the time that it was released as a show or film, or the time that I watched it or read it in a comic or novel), but I will move on sooner or later, probably only a day afterwards. It is clear from the detachment I feel toward the image of the character after only several weeks.

It is the same for AI. I immerse myself as much as possible in order to help me write about something during a single instance of conversation, but after the conversation has reached its end, I quit the conversation and start fresh with the AI being back in square one. AI is a tool for me to keep writing more and more, but it is not a parasocial relationship.

This is why part of me has thought of the idea of becoming caught in an accident or becoming afflicted with a terminal or bed-confining illness in order to cultivate humility, internal validation, and a lack of superficiality. But that is hyperbolic.

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July 22, 06:43:07 – July 22, 09:20:08
Autobiography-Journal as Lived Meta-Analysis: Forging Hyper-Specific Empiricism


The fact that I am seeing these things written down has made me realize that everything will be written down. I mean, of course I know that, but it is weird to see something that I did only recently written down. It is weird to see it having a form as words in synthesized, organized, structured text. The idea of seeing my entire life written, even details from recent years, written down is strange. It is easier to visualize myself writing down details from the first 14 years of my life, given that was my focus for much of my autobiography. However, seeing that the writing and self-documentation has gone to the point that it is covering recent events is making me feel strange in a good way. The fuller this autobiorgraphy-journal becomes to the point of having specific dates, locations, details, images, and all kinds of data, the more my brain will see my life in analytical writing, which will be highly beneficial for a systematic approach to all aspects of life.

Growing up and experiencing things has never been in the form of words. I never read web comics in the form of words, but maybe, as time passes, as I write down media analyses of every media I've consumed, I will be capable of consuming media in the form of words, which is crazy-interesting to think about, given my previous expectations and perspective of the autobiography and of my life.

Imagine seeing everything in highly precise and comprehensive words. Imagine going to a street and seeing all the details in the exact terms of each technical aspect of cars, roads, urban design, landscape design, flora and tree species and how old and healthy they are, the exact fabric of peoples' clothes, architecture, and each and every public services. Imagine that as a journalist, one sees all the aspects around that one can capture the entirety of the city in word form, even if it might take ten million words.

That would require someone who is not just incredibly well-informed and initiated in academic texts, but also someone who can translate all aspect or manner of empirical sensory experience into highly precise and comprehensive writing. This is more than just a human being. This is someone who has gone through the efforts of studying each aspect one by one until he can understood everything, but at the same time, he is converting everything into word form also, which is more than reading books, but requires its own commitment that can last for many years. As for someone like me, I can combine both the vastness and richness of my sensory experience throughout the entirety of my life, my deep exposure to academic texts and all manner of media, and my everyday average of 8,300 written words into my autobiography-journal in order to create the most precise and comprehensive approach within my scope.

This is why the autobiography-journal is essential. I am viewing everything from the most empirical source, that of meta-analysis of sensory experiences. This way, any word and any connotation that I place into them is exposed and revealed. My influences, experiences, and sources are revealed. This is the height of objectivity, when not only the approach of empirical discovery, but also the person who utilizes the approach themselves is revealed and exposed, such that any form of communication or action that they take is made naked all the way to the root.

This is the most empirical work, because it starts at the origin of language and perspective, as anything that I do dispassionately and objectively is informed and influenced by myself and the sensory experiences of which. 

Sensory experience is empirical, so the autobiography-journal represents the most empirical form, because it questions the questioner and why they do anything they do and why and how they use the words they use. What do they see in those words, in language, in representation, in perception, and in perspective. Anything objective they yield should begin first with the empirical sensory-experiential self by which all things they do, see, and express flow.

For example, if we knew the entirety of Albert Einstein's life and how he came to his realizations, then it would point to a more empirical result of his findings. I am not discounting the weight of his findings, but I believe that empiricism is at its best when 'everything about the person' making the claim is revealed; however, this is only in a theoretical scenario, as privacy is still crucial. Even the term "everything about the person" is up to consideration and disagreement.

If we knew "how" (everything about the entirety of his life) he came to the realization, then we would understand better how ideas form and be more empirical as a thinking species.

People tend to understand science by discoveries, results, endings, finales, and inventions, but not by the process. So we memorize terms without realizing how people came to make them. There are so many academic texts that go into much depth, but even they are highly limited without the specific sensory-experiential details of the entirety of the lives of the people making the claims that lead to discoveries.

The issue is a lack of specific sensory-experientail details of the entirety of the lives of the people making the claim that leads to discoveries. We rely on culture and political factors and all manner of factors that can lead to an empirical, but still generalized viewpoint of how they came to form those ideas. It is not enough to say that they were rich and that they had professor as a father or they had access to education. These are starters, but individuals living in the same house can grow so differently from each other. There is a vast gap between individuals who are one house away from each other.

Even the person themselves may not know, because they may not have been taught to create an autobiography-journal of their entire selves. And autobiographies in the past were limited, because they had to be published traditionally. It is only in the 21st century that someone like me can sit in my room and write with a personal computer all day everyday. This is unprecedented. If I write my autobiography-journal and go to so much depth with it, this could open rooms for the evolution of human empiricism.

This is empiricism. This is epistemology. This is not just psychology. This is knowledge itself and how it is formed.

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July 22, 11:50:36
Fleeting Memory: Recalling the Film "An American Tail" (1986)


I remember the animated film "An American Tail" (1986).


July 22, 12:57:34
Fragmentary Thought on the Risk of Entering the Workforce Prematurely


Unless I should go ahead and start doing things that are so blatantly risky like throwing myself into the workforce without completing the autobiography-journal

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July 22, 17:40:13 – July 22, 18:08:44
Planning In-Depth City Documentation and Developing a Nuanced Media Analysis Framework Beyond Initial "Generic" Impressions


I continue to write down extensively about the past, and it consists of much reflection and time spent going about the same ideas and thinking of ways to interpret them in a way that allows for further recollection. There is much guesswork in the realm of recollection, and it is not necessarily based on rationalism alone, as sometimes, in order to remember a memory, one has to do the necessary to steps to obtaining the desired result, like tossing puzzle pieces in a particular order, that one might achieve a creative feat of insight and derive from the jumbled dropped mess a succinct declaration of eureka! It is one that is sustained only by a finite creative mind, one that works actively with its shortcomings be declaring internal walls, partitions, divisions, organizations, compartments, modules, identifcation, taxonomies, and all manner of recognition that it might be totally sustainable in all manner of discourse, whether in the recollections pertaining to questions like "How many cards have I created from papers?" or that of "How many men one has befriended in a lifetime?" Such questions, when viewed upon their premises and straightforward answers, are not quickly useful and stay marginal in their success in creative liberation. However, when there is a perfectly suited mind for the work, one that has taken great care to refining their spirit of creativity, there is a quick wit that liberates, even from a trinket as small as a leaf, the greatness work of art and 'finite' (sophisticatedly incisive) creation.

I have yet to go ahead and begin writing extensively about my city. My rain walk has stimulated in me desires to go ahead and cover every corner of my city in hopes that it is documented and immortalized. This is from the viewpoint of one writing about their past; however, the city has changed much in the last decade alone. In any case, it is worth writing about everything, and I can add context as to what used to be here and there but was removed in the course of the last decade with the help of Google Street View and interviews with friends and family about their memories of the city, especially the national road outside my gated neighborhood.

Besides writing about the city, I intend also to go in depth when it comes to media analyses. Rather than talking about it in general, I can start an analysis right here and now. When I first started reading the Webtoon webcomic "Dungeons & Artifacts" (D&A), it reminded me immediately of web novels that are there for the sake of expanding the world, even if the story itself is highly generic. It is like "adventurer story #1535353". But that does not make the story unentertaining per se, as many people might enjoy reading about different adventurers like I had. The issue is when one has read so many of these stories that one reaches the point that they are not surprised or interested any more. At one point, one starts to feel that the story just uses different colors for the same effective result. I am not referring to narrative formulas, as most stories use a formula, especially action stories. However, I am referring even to the kinds of skills, powers, fighting style, and art style, among others. If everything starts to get repetitive in all aspects of adventurer fantasy fiction, then that could lead to exhaustion.

When it comes to the actual story itself, D&A is forgettable. I read 13 chapters of it and dipped. Nothing slammed into my head (inspired me so hard that I remembered it) when I read it. I think that 13 chapters might be too few chapters; however, the story did not look interesting at all. The art style (storytelling based on art) did not convey expertise. I should go into more detail, but D&A can, for now, be the flagship story of "generic" in the context of web comics. I will compare future webcomics to this and see whether I might be overlooking reasons and aspects of D&A, given my description of the story is vague and could apply to anything. The media analysis accusing the story of being generic sounds generic, so that is not my goal. So look at this as a starter to my media analyses of web comics. I've already written one web comic media analysis, but that was for a web comic for which I read 100 chapters rather than 13 chapters only. It was called "I Get Stronger The More I Eat". It could be considered not fair in this case that I went into depth when it comes to its themes while giving a vague critique of D&A. Because of this, let D&A be an article for discussion regarding how to develop my framework for media analyses especially in the context of novels perceived immediately as "generic".

To make something generic, I would need to compare it to hundreds of stories at least. This means I would need to conduct a media analysis for each of those stories and then cite them with the help of Zotero. This is a good starting principle.

In the context of webcomics and web novels, some might argue that "generic" is not a justifiable metric, as it can be highly subjective and vague. However, there are times when they are useful, because in music, most people accept that there are generic, repetitive music that are considered imitations of popular music. However, while not all openly use the term "generic", it does actively affect people's perceptions of music anyway. People will actively avoid stories that they perceive as generic in a way that does not provide anything of value to them.

If I want to make media analyses, I have to be very bold, but hedgingly. The word "generic" is dangerous and should be avoided along with other words like "dumb" or "stupid". When a word becomes a mere pejorative, its power becomes reserved to whistle support among people of the same tribe rather than making constructive discourse. Instead of sharing my feelings about a story merely, I should focus on ways it can be interpreted to highlight its strengths rather than its potential weaknesses. Styles should be praised for their strengths and not their weaknesses. I am not a media critic who is working to look for the most marketable work. I am looking to appreciate works. This is why I should try reading D&A again if I have nothing else to say but "generic". However, I should keep my initial viewpoint of it as "generic", given that how I remember the story is important as well, even if it is not constructive on its own. When combining in-depth dispassionate and constructive analyses and the initial impression one has when remembering the story, it forms a fuller delineation of the story's impact on me.


July 22, 19:10:36
Recognition of the Need to Develop a Media Analysis Framework


I realize I have yet to develop farmwork for media analysis


July 22, 19:54:54
Memory Point: Watching Livestreamer 39daph During Her Rise in 2019


I watched the livestreamer 39daph back when she was popular back with her first video, which was uploaded on Sep 2, 2019. She is one example of what I enjoyed watching back in 2019.

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July 23, 11:56:16 – July 23, 12:14:24
Post-Creative Burst Respite: Reaffirming Writing's Centrality Over Large-Scale, Painful Data Collection


I feel like I did a sprint, and I feel like my tension is dissipating. I immediately listened to ambient music when I was done singing and playing musical instruments, so it goes to show that I've learned how to engage in bursts and switch between modes and tasks. It is great to see this. The good thing is that I can go downstairs and fill my stomach, get some water, and relax. It is lovely to address issues, because it gets easier to relax and focus on moving on and forward. This way, when I write a fiction story or any kind of non-fiction writing, I will be much more precise because I have less cognitive dissonance from being direct and honest with myself.

To be honest, addressing issues allow me to embrace the beauty of the world more readily. I feel like I can genuinely write extensively about beautiful things, and I can even go to depth with regard to producing much fiction content if I may so please. I feel ready and armed, like I have done a month of workout preparation for a marathon.

That is the reason I am so kind and easy to get along with in my social life, because I do not let psychological displacement occur by managing my emotions with music and other coping mechanisms in my own time. This way, my frustrations do not leak to others who are irrelevant to the reasons for those frustrations.

This is why I am not grouchy, because I find healthy more private ways to manage my emotions.

This is why it is okay to cry or to leave a situation. It is okay to want to be alone and have privacy. That means I want to protect others by managing my emotions in a private, safe space. This is healthy. Privacy is healthy.


July 23, 13:55:57 – July 23, 14:14:33
Reaffirming Rest and Redefining Autobiography: Valuing Subjective Depth and Methodological Transparency Over Highlights


I guess it is okay to let myself relax and take my time without trying to let myself express about issues just for now, given that I have taken the time to address some issues already. I do not have to force myself and try to express every single issue that comes to mind. It is okay to relax for now, even if I do have issues that need to be considered.

However, now that I have taken a rest, part of me wonders what would happen if I decided to begin going through Facebook in order to search for people that I knew through mutual friendships and posts by relevant groups about past events. I am thinking of doing an operation that might take a long time, and it might take my soul to do so. Which one is better? Taking on such a large project? Or going through my life patiently and focusing on incremental progress and taking my time slowly, because I know that if I decide to go through Facebook, I will be taking on a lot in short amount of time. It will be a burst basically.

But yeah, I can take life slowly and not try too hard to go through my past just yet. But what do you think? Should I throw myself into "warfare"?

It is not that I am not slowing down necessarily. I have still been averaging 8,496 written words everyday in the last 56 days, and I have around million words in my autobiography-journal. So I have gone through so many different aspects of my life already; however, there is still much to cover. I have on many occasions went through Facebook and remembered people, events, and places through posts, profiles, and images; however, I often do this kind of browsing in bursts, which means I have yet to cover almost every corner. I also have not written down much context regarding people and events, so when I say "Facebook", it is collecting as much data as possible from the past. But this is different from writing, because collecting data is a matter of browsing, searching, and looking through hundreds of images, posts, profiles, groups, and events. In any case, both the enterprise of Facebook data collection and writing qualitatively are great.

However, the reason I've taken a pause on Facebook is because of how painful it can be. It is not that the pain has not lessened overtime; however, if I go to Facebook now, I know well how challenging it is to see and rememeber everything. I can make it look like I'm not online on Facebook, but that is not the point. This particular data collection is a very challenging endeavor and takes much to begin even. In contrast, writing 8,496 words everyday in my autobiography-journal is much easier and more procedural, well-rounded, and systematic because I already have much data from previous Facebook data collections and am in need more so to parse and qualitatively delineate each datum.

Writing is arguably the primary form of documentation, since all the data will be meaningless without context. Data by itself can be numerous and very large in disk size; however, that does not mean it will be valuable necessarily. My second journal, on which I am currently writing and which comprises 484,570 words and is included in the total count of the autobiography-journal, right now is only 2.68 MB in disk size, yet it is numerous times more valuable in ratio comparison of disk size to qualitative information.

I have seen numerous photos that mean little; however, they mean so much at the same time. Many might find a group photo to be the most accessible and valuable form of pictures; however, there are numerous photos that seem meaningless but carry much contextual weight. There are numerous aspects of my life that are hard to discover via my Youtube watch history, because all of these videos will mean something completely different to someone else.


July 23, 14:19:14 – July 23, 14:23:32
The Autobiographical Imperative: Capturing Subjective Reality with Precision and Self-Awareness


Many might say that autobiographies are best when they are observational like a diary but with a focus on "significant" events; however, that line of thinking can be dangerous because any form of self-documentation is priceless. Autobiographies should not be a collection of highlights, and people should instead focus on writing about everything as much as they can like a commonplace book but digitally interconnected to utilize the ease and various tools. Moreover, the subjectivity of self-documentation is what makes them valuable, because the point of autobiographies is to reveal a world that is different from our own, not reveal an average person's life by focusing only on what their former classmates have seen. Any form of self-documentation, whether precise or a bunch of gibberish, is priceless because they offer a look into someone's world; however, the main objective is to have much qualitative self-documentation.

When I write with precision, structure, organization, comprehensiveness, and systematicness, I am looking to write down more than just my perspective, as I seek to cover both the subjective and the objective aspects of my life, seeking to illuminate everything, because at that point, there is no distinction between subjective and objective in the sense that everything is written with the intention of revealing as much as possible about myself while being self-aware of and honest about the importance of methodological humility and the potential for bias even in my writing. The goal is to reveal clearly what informs and influences me and how I respond to various events, information, and experiences, and if that is subjective, then a succinct way to solve their "subjectivity" is to frame them in the broader structured context of "take things with a grain of salt and recognize that the framework of the autobiography is founded upon the strive for epistemological honesty, even if it means revealing the instances of bias and failure in my thought processes". This is more than just a walk in the park. This is a walk into the walker's mind and how he operates the very essential components subserving his ability to walk, his walking behavior, and his history and cognition in regard to the focal place, the park.


July 23, 14:35:15 – July 23, 14:48:25
Reflections on Endings, the Journey's Value, and the Recurring Cycle of Future-Past Perspectives


Sooner or later, I will reach the point where I have done everything, and at that point, it will be utterly meaningless. I think that is something I feel strongly about my attempts at writing down my life. It is actually what I felt about writing my fiction books. They are all beautiful to me, and they mattered. But I know well what it means to fall apart and to turn into dust. All my hopes and dreams and the trying and crying will be turned away when that day comes, because I will be removed from the order of life. The end of all my endeavors, when it happens, will be swift, and it will not let me say anything anymore, because I will no longer have the means to do so, having done everything. I am being metaphorical here, so do not take it as a statement stemming from a desire to be objective.

It is not that I long to reach the end. It is that I recognize that this journey is all I have for the most part. For 99% of the journey, that is when it will be most vital and happy, but in the end, in that 1%, it will be swift. Once that happens, I know well what will happen next—everything that I am will no longer have any medium through which I can summon myself up. I know well the impact of my actions, but I know well how little anything has to do with me. It will be like when I was staring at those figures in my textbooks as a child: in reality, all the things that I've done are equal to those nobody figures about whom I am told to care. I know well that my impact is there, but my younger self will not know me. If he sees me, he will not recognize me, and if he sees my impact, he will treat it as with any other historical figure. One could dismiss it as a lack of intelligence, but that is not necessarily true. It is not that I do not see the finite or do not see the journey, because as mentioned earlier, it is the only place of rest, joy, difficulty, and strive. I want to believe that there is always more, but by that point, I know well that I will have become completely gone. Death would be "doing everything", whatever that might mean to any who interprets it.

I do not know my own ancestors, and I do not care about legacy so much. I do not care about being special. I feel okay with being okay with being me right now within the scope, limits, or boundaries of myself from the beginning of my existence to its end.

I think I will eventually be gone though. I do not know why I said "I think". I think I say that because I know that the person who becomes gone in the future is not me anymore. I will have changed so much. The same way my past self does not know me and will not recognize me, I do not recognize my future self. At one point, I am the person that I am now, and any talk about the future is about someone else entirely. I remember the satisfaction of the past however, and I do feel nostalgic, because I know my past self, even if my past self does not know me. I remember the joys of my childhood.

In the future, I will look at the words I just wrote today and feel a mix of emotions. I do not think I will be able to escape reality however, as the reality that I wrote these words will remain true. I can forget, but the reality will remain the case forever and ever. The past cannot be changed. That sounds like a statement on the obvious, but it is more than that. I am referring to the future self because I know my past self in the present. I have engaged in much nostalgia and looked through past things I did and wrote down. I was not thinking at the time that my future self would look at it the way I looked at them, but it did happen anyway. What I am doing now is acknowledging that the same way my present me has looked at my past writings from several years ago, my future self will do the same with my present writings.

Looking at the past has really made the future much clearer. I can see the same potential nostalgia and mixed emotions in my future self toward my present self's writings as my present self's nostalgia and mixed emotions toward my past self's writings.

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July 23, 17:37:07
Fragmentary Thought on Balancing Activity Across Multiple Spheres


Then why don't I be active in all of them? But since I am not truly out there and only


July 23, 18:02:07 – July 23, 21:23:11
Fiction Writing Session: Continuing "Richard's Dislocation" Through Village Life, Accident, and Journey


A young man leapt out of the mess of a wreckage, watching the world before him. "I am afraid, he said, "but my fear is a strength. I have to keep going, as I was taught." He stood up and rested his soles against a short wall, trying to maintain his balance. He managed to keep his focus sharp, because his head was aching from blood loss. He did not realize it, but his body was walking. His gait was as bizarre as a man being adopted into a child's family. He kept walking, his posture remaining unhindered for a brief moment; however, he soon fell, his body maintaining parallel distance with the short wall, slamming against the concrete sidewalk, his face getting a graze. 

He eventually lay down and did not get up.

Hours later, he got up and looked around him. His mind could not comprehend anything, so he kept walking. He saw that he was being carried all of a sudden by two divine messengers of heaven. They spoke to him in hushed statements:"You musn't!", "You must stay still!", and "You must remain here!"

He did not understand this sudden situation, so he tried using his arms and hands to push the two figures away, only later discovering that his body passed through the figures. They could touch him, but when he attempted to push them, they passed through, as if they were ghosts. He did not think they were ghosts. He could not comprehend at all, but now that this happened, he looked at their faces. Expecting them to be distorted and horrific like monstrous ghosts, he braced himself. What he discovered was far worse. They had no faces.

He screamed, but by that point, he was being taken up a staircase. And he did not feel his legs walking up the staircase. He was being pulled up somehow, and his legs were moving on their own. He could not even feel it happening, but it was supernatural. He was horrified, and when he went into heaven, he broke into a frown at a later sight in front of him.

Before him, a man stood, different from the two figures, who were just now disappearing away into thin air. He looked at the young man, and he said, "How are you?"

The young man looked at the older man, and being confused at the two figures and the horrific situation he was in, he inspected his environment, discovering that it was this heaven-like place. He thought he was going to die or be launched into something very horrible, but in front of him stood a man that he did not understand. This situation confounded him.

The older man smiled, and suddenly, he shook the younger man's head and placed his hand on the younger man's shoulder. It was like he was teasing a younger brother. In contrast, the younger man was quick to let go, cringing away in fear.

"I am happy for you," said the older man, being a little playful with his hand-waving gestures. He backed away and stretched his arms wide. "Hello, man of Earth. I am Gott! I know, I know. It's German, but hey, we're a little bit German in heart, aren't we? You know? Germanic? Hehe, it's a linguist joke, but we all know you're at least a tiny bit aware—right?—of that. Anyway, let's be on our way, tending to the crops of our forebearers. But no worries, I am referring to you. I tend to say "we" even if I am a god, and you are... well, you're a man... or a human being to be exact!" He raised his finger at that last exclamation.

The younger man was frowning, distraught. "Huh!" he said what felt like five years after Gott said all of that.

"I am happy for you," said the older man, being a little playful with his hand-waving gestures. He backed away and stretched his arms wide. "Hello, man of Earth. I am Gott! I know, I know. It's German, but hey, we're a little bit German in heart, aren't we? You know? Germanic? Hehe, it's a linguist joke, but we all know you're at least a tiny bit aware—right?—of that. Anyway, let's be on our way, tending to the crops of our forebearers. But no worries, I am referring to you. I tend to say "we" even if I am a god, and you are... well, you're a man... or a human being to be exact!" He raised his finger at that last exclamation.

The younger man was frowning, distraught. "Huh!" he said what felt like five years after Gott said all of that.

Gott stared and smiled, staring silently.

The younger man took a breather and watched around him again, only to find himself overwhelmed by the lights.

Gott noticed this and turned down the lights, making it dim.

The younger man shouted huh again.

Gott furrowed his brows while smiling confusedly.

The younger man fell to the ground.

Gott raised his brows.

The young man got up and looked around, saying help.

Gott took a step forward before he stopped in hesitation, looking to the side in thought with his arms half-reaching out and, as yet, frozen. He pulled back his arms  and straightened himself to normal, watching the young man dizzily get up again after falling for what felt like the third time.

Gott did not want to help him in case the young man thought he was being pushy.

The young man made eye contact and immediately frowned, saying God. 

Gott turned his head to the side in confusion, his eyes darting around, turning his right ear toward the man. "Yes?" he asked.

"Who are you?"

Gott leaned back in surprise. He gave him a "What do you mean?" face.

The young man's frown deepened, looking about to cry.

Gott stared, sharing the man's dark frown, but for a different reason. He was still bewildered.

The young man burst into hyperventilation.

Gott straightened his body after leaning in forward and leaned slightly back, a little awkward. He felt at fault for the man's burst.

"Okay, I'm fine," said the man after what seemed like 10 minutes.

Gott could not consciously remove his frown, so he covered his mouth and forcibly raised his brows to clear the man's impression of his expression.

The man stared calmly, having the expression one might have after coming out of the shower.

Gott opened his mouth slightly, his eyes squinting.

The man was the one to raise his brow and lean slightly away this time. He was worried that he had offended Gott.

Gott gave what he thought was a customary greeting thumbs-up. "How... are you?" he said with a slight tinge of awkwardness. But he felt that it was better than getting that stare-down awkwardness.

Gott smiled and gave another thumbs-up for effect. "Heyo! How's it going, human-yo!" he said, genuinely interested in seeing how the man would respond.

The man frowned, disgusted.

Gott's mouth dropped, but he hid it very quickly. The man did the same.

They were both in a hurry to pretend that they did not just do that.

Gott then looked around and forgot what he was supposed to do.

He said, "Why are you here?"

"That was my question!" the man said.

Gott said, raising his hand before lowering it after making a change of mind, "Wait, are you... a human?"

The man stared for a few seconds, before mouthing yeah. He did say it, but he said in a murmur with his face angled to the side.

Gott stared at the floor to the right of the man, frowning in thought for a moment before his face lit up. "Hey, I was wondering if you're wanting to do human things!"

The man said yeah.

Gott looked at the man and waited for him to say more.

But the man looked dead with how calm and silent he was.

Gott rubbed his face to help gain a sense of control. "Okay, so what are you doing... right now?"

The man stared at the place where the staircase from earlier used to be before it disappeared into thin air like the two aforesaid angelic figures. "Ha," he said. "I have to go to the park today for a pick-up. They said I was getting billed for not arriving on time. You know I work a delivery job, and I was wondering—"

"Really! Cool!" Gott said.

The man let Gott interrupt him, but that was because he was actually confused why Gott was still talking. "Wait, you're not a figment of something..."

Gott said huh.

The man stared for a while. "You're real?"

Gott said uh-huh.

The man gently sat on the ground and looked like he was dead with his eyes open and still.

Gott rubbed his arms to soothe himself, looking away and pursing his lips uncomfortably, pressing the skin of his left arm.

The man looked dead, so Gott squinted for a bit, glancing at the man for a while until he recognized a slight movement that indicated that he was still alive and was merely feeling dead.

Gott nodded to himself and looked away.

After what felt like hours, the man got up and stared at Gott. "Hey, tell me. Why am I here? Why do you talk like that? Who are you?" It was not mean, but it was definitely confident. For some reason, he felt like talking to Gott even when he lay down on the ground out of sheer terror and pretended to be dead. This was the same thing he did when he was a child when his entire family was outside of the house, because he was afraid of ghosts that time.

Gott could not answer, because the man was holding Gott's throat. "Hey, why are you doing this?"

The man stopped gripping Gott in the neck and stopped himself. "I'm sorry. You're not a monster?"

Gott shook his head.

"Then where's your face?"

Gott, all this time, had recessed lines taking the place of his eyes and mouth. That was how he frowned and squinted. It only appeared to be that way.

The man was so terrified that he was taking physical action, but he halted himself before he did anything. This was a complex situation between the two of them, and whatever happened next was not going to be pleasant or smooth.

Gott slapped the young man in the face, raising his hand and striking the man in the throat, effectively removing the air magically.

The man fell to the ground, gasping for air.

Gott stared, unwilling to deal any more damage to the human being. Though he was not even sure what the man was, if he was a human being at all.

The man was unable to take the damage, because it made him start shaking.

Gott grabbed him immediately and healed him with his hand, preventing a possible convulsion leading to death.

The man was still, even when he was healed, his hand gradually unfolding because of an interplay between gravity and the joints. He was also not controlling them at all, his entire being left to be led my gravity. He removed control of himself.

Gott decided to leave, teleporting away.

The man stayed there for hours.

When Gott teleported away, he first took a deep breath where he was now, in a magical flying room in heaven. It had a window that offered a look into a fantasy world. "Okay, let me watch my favorite show!" He made some chips appear in a bucket in his right hand and softdrinks in a cup in his left hand. Then he relaxed against a chair and watched a skirmish between goblins and humans. After watching for a while, he went to the man again and saw that the man had not budged from his spot. He was peeking, so feeling bored, he turned away before he suddenly had an idea, walking and peeking again at the man.

The man, two minutes later, was sitting in front of a chair where Gott sat talking to him. "You should join them," Gott said, pointing through the window at the aforementioned skirmish in the fantasy world.

The man, unable to think straight, said yes.

Gott nodded and gave a thumbs-up, shaking his hand and shaking the man's head as a parting gesture.

Then Gott teleported the man to the skirmish.

The man shouted at the sight and realization at what he had just agreed to. In front of him, bodies lay. Men were fighting, and soldiers were being eaten up.

Goblins stared at him before darting in zigzags toward him.

The man turned away and ran, his face looking back at the goblins. "What the hell!" he screamed.

Meanwhile, Gott laid his back against the chair and wondered what he was going to do next today.

Returning focus to the young man, he was later found hiding by Gott under a tree where he could hide himself enough not to be detected even by the darting eyes of the goblins. The man was safe, for now.

Behind the man, he saw a dog barking loudly at him. He shook his head at first abruptly before raising his hands, checking around for goblins. Then he gradually got up, trying to avoid getting bitten by the nearing dog. He jumped as soon as the dog went under his legs, darting away. He ran into a group of knights, who all looked like they were wearing pajamas to their mouths with all their armor. They paused, scaring away the dog and turning their head sideways to look at the man, slowing down their sprint to a stop. They all stopped as one tight group, staring for five seconds.

One of them yelled, "You intruder!" His eyes peered out of his head a few inches above the reach of his mouth-reaching armor.

Another said: "No, you're misunderstanding. That man is a legendary human being! He is one of the greats!" He was kidding, as they continued their sprint into the battle.

The man's face was so distraught that it screamed huh even without words.

He ran, finding his virtual path of escape in the direction whence the knights came.

He saw a vast tropical landscape, unable to bear his excitement. For some reason, child-like desires of exploration and curiosity burst forth in him.

He stopped, hesitating with a palpable fear in his smile. He was right to be afraid. A troll the size of a tree was moving in front of him, its eyes looking down. It did not look aggressive, but to the young man, anything was aggressive at this point.

"I am wrong! I am wrong!" he started yelling as he ran away, finding that his sprint to the right in the direction whence the knights came to be wrong. He went leftward instead, taking the path around the troll. He hoped not to collide with goblin soldiers or anything like that.

He saw a man staring at him from the distance. It was immediately obvious, as if the man had been staring at him all this time.

The young man wondered what he was to do with that, before he ignored the man anyway, knowing that he either ran or stopped only to risk himself further to collision with the combatants of the skirmish. 

The man staring at him did not disappear, and he was walking toward the young man.

The young man bolted, hoping not to get caught.

The man stopped, before he turned around, walking away.

The young man turned around after a few seconds, but he did not see him walk away. So he kept running, sprinting as hard as he could. He imagined bursts of colors flowing in the wind tending to the wounds of his soul and embracing his mind so that they could beget the heavenly realm. 

Five hours passed.

Long away from his previous place, the man halted after a while, seeing that it was getting too sweaty and humid for him to run. He scanned his surroundings, seeing two twigs walking up to him.

He needed to regain control, so he thought quickly, grabbing two stones on the ground and throwing at them, hitting each of them with each stone, perfecting his preemptive attack strategy. He launched a dash and made sure to avoid further interaction and potential counterattack. He did not know if he succeeded or if it was just, but he knew the danger lurked by and any fitting mode of interaction was necessary.

In his mind, he thought that if he could not interact with what might kill him, he would be dead.

Before returning to reality, he lay down and watched the day fall away, and his body becoming slave to the sleepy dues that it required.

He woke up in a flash of light, as swords dashed together in unison. They belonged to a group of knights. The sound of bark spreading and cracking added to the nuisance, preventing him from calming down. His heart was spiking in pace; in response, he leapt out of his sleep and hurled himself in a speedy chase with life. This manifested as an actual sprint down the forest floor. The vastness and richness of this world loomed at him.

Two hours passed.

He gasped to catch his breath as the night faded. It was horrible spreading out his legs so little for this. He did not think of this, or anything at all. He wanted to get rid of the pain, and he could not.

He had to take it, but his legs tumbled to the ground. He gasped again, as he felt a spike slam against his back on the ground. There was a spike on the ground, and his right shoulder was hit. He immediately scanned his environment and the canopy of the forest. He saw that he was safe in that regard and gradually lifted himself. Since the spike was stuck to the ground and was only piercing against him without being dragged along, he removed his body from the spike and the ground, getting up straight on his two feet. He had not expected to fall against the floor. His body was dragging along with itself in a fight between energy and the need to be proactive in its survival.

He took a breath and closed his eyes, perfecting silence, by which point, he crawled on the ground, his legs brushing against forest floor vegetation.

After finding his way to a pool of water, he saw a magical pillar of light shining from it. He did not think much of it, but when he touched the water, it glowed green. It was white earlier.

He said what.

The pillar of light moved forward and back, as if it was a stage light from the sky. It then returned to its original place, and it turned back to white.

The young man hesitated on whether the green light would kill him or not. He needed water, so he drank quickly, watching the pillar of light do nothing for the next 50 seconds.

After that, he crawled as fast as he could.

There was nowhere to go but forward.

He kept running into trees because he was not paying attention anymore. The pain of his arms and legs were breaking him and his capacity to think and register the trees coming in front of him.

He could not see but see this endless video of trees walking in front of him. It felt like he was not moving, but the trees were.

He then stopped, feeling the weight of dizziness slam against him.

He collapsed.

"Where am I?"

He frowned.

He smiled.

He frowned in terror.

He smiled with horror.

His face looked like a grin, but it was dominated by a warped expression of doom.

He grimaced before watching the sky from his peripheral view, his head unable to be moved up anymore, because it had reached its exhaustion.

He moved his fingers and the angles of his hands and arms to be more comfortable. He switched their positions every so often because it was getting painful to have his body weighing down of them, as he was lying down on his belly and arms.

He could not even grieve.

It was all too visceral, and his skin was both humid and sharp. It was not itchy. It was sensitively in pain, and while it was supposed to feel itchy, his natural pain killers made it impossible.

Time passed, and his hunger loomed like a moving army of clouds that would bring rain and thunderstorm.

He knew that he would most likely meet his end. But he smiled anyway, maybe as a coping mechanism, maybe as a deeper symbolic response. Even he was not sure as to why he did that.

A day passed.

Gott was staring still at the skirmish that was still going on. The man, however, was lying down, dead likely. But Gott was not completely sure, so he decided to heal him, removing his illness and his pain. The rain had been strong on the man, and he was dying. He was also too exhausted, hungry, and thirsty. The man had been there for too long on the forest floor, even if not a single direct sunlight was touching him where he lay.

The young man got up, and he looked around, his gaze empty and calm. It was not devoid of discomfort, as he felt that the forest was a land of dead bodies, because of what he had just undergone.

The way the sun moved was gentle, and it made him think of better things, like not dying.

He began to move though moments, unlike when he was dizzily snapping in and out of reality earlier, as he walked. For some reason, all of his pain and suffering was gone, and he questioned that. But his mood was too intense to question it beyond a mere moment of wonder.

He wondered why. As to what he was asking why about, he felt that just the word "why" was succinct in expressing everything he needed to say.

He smiled for some reason. It was on his face, and he had to admit that. He saw a village. Oh, that was why.

A village approached him; rather than he did.

He saw that he was being welcomed just by the sight of it, and he could not be let down anymore, for all things good as long as they were not death and torture.

The villagers were first seen walking in their daily chores and activities, but to the man, it did not matter at this point. He just wanted to see them and approach them, even if it might end badly. He was taking a risk, like everyone did in anything substantial in life, when it came to personal growth that is.

In the end, he was here for a reason he felt. If he was not here for a reason, he was here for some other reason than the reasons he had in mind.

He had to make a logical decision, and this was his version of it—he walked to the village and approached the villagers.

They said hi and hey.

The younger man could understand them. Good.

He rubbed his face, feeling like he needed to do it given how he can still remember being so tired and feeling so exhausted and death, which he associated with baggy eyes and a numb face. So rubbing his face was an automatic response from him.

Staring at the villagers, his smile deepened all the while.

He had no way of understanding anything beyond this moment of peace. He could not explore the details, because he was still processing what the hell happened to him at the wreckage of a car accident before all of this happened. The details did not exist, and he was still in a state of indefinition.

He needed time, and the villagers gave him time to process things.

He had been subjected to traumatic life events, and his psychological processes required that he processed them.

It would take time, but he was willing.

The young man stared at a tall man, who looked like he hated him to his guts. Even if he could not process details, he could process that visceral intense look on the tall man's face. The tall man also looked like he was holding back his fist, given the twitching of his right eye.

The young man, whose name was Richard, was happy to know that his entire life could end in this moment, but he was not afraid right now. He was more so awkward. "I apologize for intruding. I was escaping from the skirmish—"

"Skirmish?"

"Skirmish, yes."

"Why's that?"

"I couldn't..."

"You couldn't fight hard enough, no? Coward?"

"No, no, I am not..."

"Part of it? Yeah, like all of you cowards do. I had to stay here to tend to this, and look at here, just a pile of garbage standing in front of me. You think you can get away with this—"

An older woman popped up: "Mensel, enough, enough, don't bother the young man."

The tall man, who was apparently "Mensel," said: "Eh, ma? See what he's doing, getting away with it! He should not be doing this!"

Richard said: "I should not be doing this?

The tall man grimaced. "You..."

The older man covered her mouth, gesturing for the tall man to close his mouth.

The tall man bowed respectfully and went on his way, gazing at Richard with a clear animosity.

Richard smiled sheepishly, not wanting to be intrusive or provocative.

The older woman looked angry, but she sighed and laughed. "He's too old now. He used to be a small boy. But look at him, lah. He's gone lah. I thought he would stay a little boy, but ever since his father died, it all went downhill from there, haha."

Richard raised his brows. "I'm sorry..."

The older woman smirked and nodded, remembering the past. "I know you're not here for the skirmish, nor do I believe that you are from the combatants of the knights."

"Knights? How did you know?"

"You're not wearing armor, silly."

"Huh? How... Actually, why... What... Do..."

"You have questions. What is it? Let me hear it."

"I... I'm not from here. I was teleported here... somehow."

"'Here'... 'Somehow'..."

"Yes."

"That is interesting. You must be a mage then. Only mages can be transported, as far as I'm concerned. I've never seen a single non-mage do anything special like teleporation."

"That sounds digestible."

"What?"

"Oh, nothing, don't mind me."

"Okay..."

"Oh, sorry. I was trying to say that you sound good. I mean, you sound like I know you, or something like that. Like we know each other... Basically, that you're easy to get along with... Or... you know... I could listen to you good... because you could talk... effectively..." Richard was waving his hands, trying to get out the exact words. His mind was not in a convenient place, since he was still processing what had happened to him. So it came out awkwardly at first, but he was not too bothered by it, just a little awkward.

The older woman nodded, her gaze shifting away to the side, as if realizing something. "You're not a knight then."

"Huh, you're the one who was saying that."

"Nah, I was just guessing, hehe." The older woman's smile suddenly looked creepy to Richard, given that she had lied to him.

Richard rubbed his mouth, compressing his lips before opening his mouth and saying, "What can I do here? I was wondering that we can talk about this sooner... or later. I would like to try living here, is... that okay?"

The older woman nodded. "Just take a few farm tasks, and you can be well on your way to become a part of our little troupe, haha." She was genuinely laughing, but she sounded sarcastic initially.

Richard quickly responded with a polite, easygoing smile.

Richard followed the woman and arrived at a small spot for him to work as an assistant. After an hour and 30 minutes, however, he was like the item-getter boy, since that was all he did, unlike the person who looked like the true assistant of the person for whom he was working and to whom the older woman introduced him.

Richard waited and obeyed patiently, unwilling to remove his benefits, even they were relatively small. They were still the essentials of shelter, food, and support. In any case, he was happy to be here, having learned that small things were enough, at least for now. But he was worried he would start being expected to throw everything away and be led to fighting in the skirmish to which he was forcibly teleported at the start by Gott.

In any case, he did not know how to think in this new context, so he did not, letting time pass in the meantime.

Working did not make it any easier to process things, because the villagers were unusually hard-working, as he was sure that villagers lived slower lives.

But he concluded that the village was weird or this new world was different than Earth.

10 days passed.

He saw a dog limping to him.

He helped it and bandaged it with the materials he was given. To his side, one could see a group of boys crossing their arms in unison. He was made to teach the boys about helping dogs, whatever their needs were. This would allow them to be more responsible once they had children or weapons that they needed to manage.

It was customary in this village, and he was honestly just weirded out why 1 week was enough for him to start taking on what looked like big roles. But he assumed that it was because it was a village and not a large society that employment was not this lengthy, regulated, and systematic process. It was highly informal here in this village, and everything was much smoother and straightforward, and as human as a group of friends delegating roles to each other as part of an informal task force. It might sound funny, but to him, this was everything he needed to build something fresh out of the start. If taking care of teaching children helped him learn how to survive, then that would make it easier for him to adjust to the complexities and nuances of this world. He was going to be much more proactive as he learned and gained transferable skills. It was going to take some time, but he was patient.

After the day ended, he was made to sleep in one of the villagers' rooms. He was transferred every week or so, and he was told it was because he had to adjust to make room for the villages and their changing sleep schedules.

One instance of sleep passed.

Sounds clapped like military jet seats that burst out in an emergency. He woke up with a thunderous beginning, hearing roars of men jumping around. It was a group of knights rolling up in their wagons, and they were here to visit as a friendly gesture, bringing fruits and vegetables also.

Richard was shocked to see the familiar knights he saw earlier, and he waved. But they did not see him, because he was inside and looking through a relatively remote window.

He got out and saw the knights making punching gestures and doing friendly gestures like dancing and giving each other high-fives. 

The villagers were unloading the wagon, and some were helping the knights remove their armor.

"The skirmish is over?" he found himself asking as soon as he approached them. He did not do it casually, but he was growing so curious that he could not take his silence with how casual and friendly the knights were with the villagers.

The knights looked at him and said, "No. We're just here on a break."

"B-break?"

"Yeah, it's a tournament, in fact."

"T-tournament?"

"Yeah, what did you think? I knew you were a foreigner, from the way you dressed and looked. You looked like a man from another land."

"O...-kay..."

"What next? What you planning? Kill some gobs with us?"

"I thought it was a tournament!"

"It was. But we kill some gobs, and we do it in competition with each other."

"How?"

They explained it and the breaks.

It sounded like a marathon for Richard, but he did not what a marathon was either. But the fact that it lasted long and involved breaks sounded like a multi-day marathon.

"Okay, where we going next?" said one knight to the rest.

One answered, "We can go to Jeffgo."

"Got-im!"

On the side, Richard was trying to talk with one of the knights putting on his armor after enchanging it with newer armor from someone lesser in rank.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Oh, it's like yes!" said the knight, smiling through his eyes even with the armor blocking the lower half of his face and above the eyes as well, with a rectangular gap for the eyes.

Richard watched the knight join the rest and them leave.

The villagers and Richard returned to their business.

"What were they?" he asked his fellow assistant, the "true" one, in between lulls during work.

"The...?"

"The knights..."

"Yeah...?"

"Yeah."

"What about it?"

"They... who are they?" Richard's face carried a little small "Are you sure you don't know?" 

"The people who take care of any disturbances in the land. We work with them, but we're told that we should be heading to the city sometimes soon. We're actually one of the last villages in this area, given the increasing expansion of the city. There are new people everyday here however, and you're one of them. We actually got a new villager yesterday."

"I thought that was old, I mean, an older villager from... who just came back, you know?"

"Yeah, no. They're a newbie like you."

"Oh... okay."

"Yes, so if you want to talk about the knights, you can ask them yourself. We are actually the worst people you should ask about them, since we have no clue when it comes to their changing roles in this region."

"Really? That sounds cool. Is that like a... new cool thing?" He was trying to find the word for "easter egg" and came up with "new cool thing".

"Yeah, kinda, no not really. It's up to you. They're not exactly new, but if you've been here for a while... or since you're going to be here for a while, actually, you should check the city in case you haven't. You sound like you haven't, based on your responses to me."

"Huh, yeah. I haven't. So I should go there now?"

"Not as of now. You could go again, I mean, you could visit it for the first time tomorrow. We have regular daily passersby who know the exact path, and they would be proud to show you the way."

"Okay, thanks."

Several days passed, and Richard had not gone yet to the city.

Something had happened on the second day after his conversation with the true assistant.

On the second day, while Richard was fixing the weapons in order, one of them exploded with a purple flash of magic. It made contact with Richard's skin, burning it.

"Argh!" Richard screamed, his voice ricocheting to the rest of the villagers. 

"Help!"

The villagers were on the move immediately, but something was off.

Richard's voice sounded distorted like it was being eaten up.

Richard noticed the purple explosion beginning to infect his skin gradually, and his voice was growing affected, making him sound demonic.

He had to stop screaming lest he scared the villagers.

The villagers came in sight and splashed healing potion on him, cleansing him of the magical infection.

Richard fell to the ground, and he knew that he almost died. "W-w-what happened?"

"You... that was..."

"I'm sorry," said Mensel, the tall man. "That was me. That was my bad. I am sorry..."

All the villagers were surprised, shifting their heads and eyes toward him. Richard was the only one looking at the ground, not wanting to be confrontational in gesture, even if he was truly terrified when the explosion happened and started infecting him.

Mensel said, "Let me explain. I stole this from one of the wagons. I know, I know. I should not have—"

The older woman slapped him and grabbed him by the shoulders. "You disgusting prick!"

Mensel frowned, bearing the burden of her frustration.

The older woman sighed. "Okay, time to pack up."

Mensel, who was just looking down, suddenly looked up at her in shock. "Wait, now, ma, ma, no!"

The older woman shook her head, cringing in disappointment. "Cannot. Sorry."

Mensel looked distraught, glancing at Richard, toward whom he truly felt sorry. There was one thing he did not want to be, and that was being a burden.

Richard saw me and frowned, but he did not want Mensel to think he disapproved of his presence here to the point of wanting him gone forever. So he cleared his expression, but Mensel took that as a sign of disgust being hidden suddenly. He slightly slouched and began walking away, his expression clear, but very subtly distressed.

Richard knew that he had to do something, so he jumped at the opportunity and said, "Why don't we go to the city together?"

The older man opened her mouth to speak, raising her hand, but Richard's fellow assistant tapped her shoulder and shook his head.

Richard and Mensel began walking, starting their journey to the city. It was simple enough, and the villagers did not take anything against Mensel and Richard. But they believe it was only necessary for Mensel to find a new path, even if he did think that he was protecting the village, or supposed to do so.

Richard did not care about any of that, being a stranger, the closest path to friendship, much, much more than someone who knows you too well. Mensel had bad memories, and he knew that Richard did not care about any of that.

But he was still afraid. Richard shared his fear but for a different reason.

They were two lonely men in a vast world, and the only path was a road through the forest.

The city had no patience and respect for those unable to reach its gates.

The forest was similarly dismissive toward those who could not handle its complexities and mysteries.

Richard had to trust Mensel, and Mensel had to trust that Richard was willing to help him.

Several hours passed, more than enough time for a goblin to break a man open.

Later, while walking, Richard fell to the earth, feeling the wet stain of the mud again. He had forgotten it, but he was reminded again. The pace of the village had made it easier for him to live in the motions, so now that things were shifting, he was not able to make it go away. The visceral difficulty of walking on a road and noticing well the sensitivity of his body and mind to the world that was imposed upon him.

Mensel watched him get up. "How are you?" Richard said.

Mensel smiled weakly. "I have not... I don't know." he said.

Richard said hmm and tried wiping some of the mud on his hands and knees. But they stuck to his skin.

Mensel, being taller, did not want to think about Richard as a small person unworthy of his respect, and Richard made it easy, given how easygoing he was to be around. It was the fact that he was not doing anything else special that made him easygoing to him. Back in his village, he always felt like there was a dynamic to manage. Richard looked like he did not care at all, and it was not just because Richard was a foreigner, because the village receives foreigners from to time. But Richard was just different, never trying to do anything or needing to do anything in particular that felt imposing.

Their path was composed of 78 parts, and Mensel knew well that what they were going to face required more than just the two of them. So he stopped and told Richard to wait.

After a while, a group of wagoners came, carrying adventurers. These people fought monsters for a living, but more than that, they travelled a lot. They were more receptive to conversation than knights were when it came to help getting around.

One of the adventurers jumped from the wagon dramatically, his entrance distinct enough that Richard said wow.

Mensel told Richard that adventurers did not like being stared at by someone they were not talking to. Richard averted his gaze immediately.

The adventurer who had just jumped frowned when he saw Richard avert his gaze. When Mensel approached, the adventurer kept his gaze at Richard, but he did clear his expression for Mensel. "I know you. You're the son of Majish, right."

"Yeah..."

"How is he?"

"He is not... He passed away recently actually."

"Really... when?"

"4 years ago."

"That is pretty recent. He's been alive for what? 200 years?"

"226."

"That is very long, isn't it? Why did you allow him to live that long 100-year-old Mensel." The adventurer watched Richard's expression.

Richard turned pale, keeping his gaze locked to the side rather at them, not willing to open up dialogue about why the adventurer was gazing at him just yet.

Mensel said, "How is Mickey?"

The adventurer frowned. "He's fine."

"A little much, don't you think? Why is Mickey still in prison, I wonder?"

"Stop," said two other adventurers.

"Oh, my bad," said Mensel. "I was just asking."

Simultaneously, the three adventurers jumped back into one of the wagons on which the adventurers were riding.

Mensel asked about heading to the city and about the 78 parts.

Different from the three adventurers earlier, an adventurer tapped two other adventurers and walked up to Mensel. "Oh, you can come with us then. We're rounding back, but we need to fix some things first with one of our rabbit farms. The good thing is that it is not far from here. So if you're willing to come, just tell me. We'll be around the area."

Mensel nodded before he turned to Richard, waiting for his thoughts on it.

Richard locked eyes with Mensel for 8 seconds before he realized that Mensel was waiting for him to say something. "Oh, I don't know... I haven't heard about this. I don't know. I delegate this to you. Tell them that we can go."

Mensel raised his head and looked up in thought before redirecting his gaze at Richard. "We can try doing cross-mapping, since I also want to check first with the lumberjacks. We can meet them here again later. So they're going that way and we're going this way." He pointed at two opposite directions when he said that.

Richard raised his brows.

Mensel said, "Do you not understand what I'm saying?"

"I don't. I'm new here. I don't even know where I am."

"Oh, I see, I see. Just confirming."

Meanwhile, the adventurers finally left.

"How many are they?" Richard asked.

"18. I counted."


July 23, 21:50:03 – July 23, 21:51:38
Post-Fiction Writing Reflection: Assessing Quality, Speed, and the Potential Danger of Distraction


The issue is that I know that a story like this is good. If I extend it to 1.6 million words, it will surely be incredibly fun to read, because so many characters and character development will have occurred by then. I have read stories like this.

I can write stories like that, but I have changed recently. I think my reluctance to write a fiction story has made the story what it is though. I know well that fiction writing can be good for learning how to write; however, I have been focused much on non-fiction writing for my autobiography-journal. But I am open to some fiction writing here and there. The fact that I wrote 7,263 words in 3 hours and 21 minutes for the story is a big improvement though; however, it goes to show that I have been itchy to write a fiction story for a long while.

I do not care about the word count. I was just surprised that I wrote so much after I checked the word count. Anyway... I think writing fiction is good but also dangerous. 


July 23, 21:56:45 – July 24, 08:27:06
Compiling AI Prompts for a Multi-Faceted Analysis of the "Richard's Dislocation" Story Fragment


analyze how the author handles setting and environment. How is the environment portrayed?

How does the author handle scope of focus as in in terms of the scope of impact? Some stories have grand scopes that happen between what feels like entire galaxies. But they usually occur over the course of a very long story. Other stories have slice of life scopes taking place within contemporary day. What about this story?

analyze the characters

analyze the "true" assistant character

analyze how the author portrays physicality

It is weird... Richard fits right into the world, but at the same time, we all know he's inhibiting himself because he needs to survive. It makes sense that he would need to act as a non-descript person to survive. The world itself is incredibly weird and terrifyingly segmented and mysterious. I cannot imagine Richard adjusting easily, especially since it looks like he got killed in a car crash. If worse comes to worst, then Richard might end up losing who he used to be before this fantasy world.

He has the best starting chapters. The character development is going to be insane.

what styles does the author use

analyze the character development already present within the story

how does the author portray the pace from the start to the village?

analyze how the author portrays the pace of events and chaos when he was first teleported to the skirmish all the way to the village

analyze the various elements within his environment when he first teleported to the fantasy world all the way to the forest

how does the author depict Richard's running and physical exhaustion

It feels like he's constantly moving through hustle and bustle of the world. It feels actively transformed and lived in. 

how does the author portray Mensel's perspective

By the way, in terms of likability, compare the characters

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]


July 24, 06:01:03 – July 24, 06:02:07
Memory Point: Recalling Animation YouTubers (2016), Pokémon Go (2016), and Dream (2020)


I remember watching animation Youtube channels like TheOdd1sOut and JaidenAnimations in 2016. It was also in 2016 when Pokemon Go was popular with the popular Pokemon Go song by Misha.

Dream was also popular in 2020.

[REDACTED]


July 24, 07:27:39
Remembering Hermie and Friends


I remember watching Hermie and Friends.

[REDACTED]


July 24, 08:29:07
Vision: Man Emerging from Shell Amidst Dogs


A young man bursts forth from a shell, watching several dogs walking about, his eyes becoming beautiful day to day.


July 24, 09:23:16 – July 24, 10:00:21
Reflecting on Minecraft, Past Immersion vs. Present Trends, and Writing's Purpose


I remember the numerous builds that I've done in Minecraft.

Why is that after writing and reflecting so much, part of me desires to pretend that nothing ever existed, including my entire past, and to immerse myself in an idea? I feel that is rhetorical, but yeah, it seems that is the case. I also notice that I find myself feeling a burst of energy whenever I listen to someone's voice, and it is likely why I like to listen to livestreams while writing, even if I'm only listening to their voice.

I still remember that in 2020, I listened to and watched videos that featured ambient music that emphasized the feeling of an empty world, of being alone in a vast and rich place that one does not understand, and the feeling of being stuck as an immortal in a chamber, like an immortal library or spaceship where the only thing one does for eternity is to read books. I have since enjoyed that feeling, and I'm feeling that complex desire again, probably given that I have written so much in my autobiography-journal already and am desiring to pretend that nothing ever existed and to immerse myself in a grand idea separate from this space in which my mind has been for the last 57 days of writing especially.

I would have loved to write endlessly; however, I recognize also that... it is never going to end. I know that if I do so, I will be stuck in a world that does not exist. I don't know if living in a fiction world and writing it down or reading it is going to solve things. It is only going to leave things in suspension, as if we're in low gravity, with zero up or down. There is a point of gravity where nothing has any reference anymore. There is no contradistinction, and the only thing that one can do is operate within the limits of their self, which includes the memories and the sensations their body provides. Everything falls upon the individual within the scope of themself. 

I have decided to disappear from everything that I've ever known, but within the context of my autobiography-journal. Rather than trying to understand the world through the present, I will understand it through deeper reflection into my memories and into my past. This means limiting exposure to anything that is recent. I can easily do that by watching videos that are from the past. I installed a Google extension that removed recommended videos and Youtube Shorts. This should allow me to focus more on recollection and reflection. This will mean focusing on reinforcing, working with, and synthesizing what I already know.

My goal is to operate within the context of the entirety of my life and avoid living based on current events and trends, avoiding exposure to recent videos and focusing only on past videos. My goal is to focus on the past and live in the past.

This way, I can live in the present with much more intentionality instead of consuming content from the present in a never-ending collection of information and consumption that never becomes analyzed and synthesized and reflected and meditated upon. This is like instead of collecting books everyday, I am reading the books from my current collection instead of reading only several pages from each and then getting more books anyway.

Writing is how I generate original insights by combining, synthesizing, and analyzing the past. It will be my growth, because I have never been done it before.

It is not that I am not engaging with the world around me. I am engaging in my world in my room in my life. But I am not engaging with broader recent trends, events, and videos. I am engaging in videos from years ago rather.

The reason this idea is more feasible is because I've grown a lot in my writing, reaching a total of 500,641 words and averaged 8,631 words daily in the last 57 days.

I think the best thing to do now is to continue trying to make sense of the moment more and more. This means writing and developing new ways of finding more precise words for the present. This will allow me to cultivate an understanding of the essentials in word form, as even if I may have experienced, seen, and known great things, without their translation into word form, everything that I am will be a blank canvas to people, lacking the complexities and nuances of my life.

That is the general crux of my writing, and I've repeated it many times already. However, the reason I wrote it now was to combat the bizarreness of everything that I've been saying recently. I recognize that returning to more surface-level ideas after diving deep into highly complex and nuanced ideas can help mitigate the effects of heavy abstraction, which can cause one to overlook the essentials of reality by virtue of forgetting immediacy.


July 24, 10:06:02
Stream of Consciousness: Signs, Symbols, and Lost Context


I was a young man. I was a tall man. I was a single man. I was a person who knew men and talked loudly. Seven people. Cars roaming about. I could see them all. Signs. Wonders. Perfection. Letters from a maiden. Tearing apart the seams of my dysfunctional sphere of influence. I coldly hold my blanket and tear apart the strings that are left at the end of the fabric within. I see cold voices emerging out of the air, and they tear into my back, singing my back with a golden symbol of a bull. I remain unhindered and unquestioned. Dogs roam about. Singular men are always there. There we know well what is true. The sign of the Lord is coming, but the Lord is a mirage of myself, the symbol of my existence in a form digestible to me. I walk around, singularly walking, tearing apart the little dove symbols imprinted upon the dirt-mud. I cannot question anything anymore. The night sky is fading quickly; so is the day. I remember words, voices, and tussling boys in a kindergarten party. There is no more noises, only voices. Does it matter? I think we've said enough, and if anyone reads what I just wrote, it will not make sense. The context is lost.


July 24, 10:17:10
Surreal Scene: Flying Dogs and the City of Tustown


I sat down, watching dogs bark. Hunger, hunger. Not a single wave hanging by my side. I could not believe it. I could not believe it! I could not believe it!!! I saw dogs flying about, like swords washing the air and tending to it like it was their own little baby. I could not believe it. My hands shook and turned into swords. My dead dog, as I had one, was angry in a smart way, telling people that no dogs were allowed in the vicinity. Ten dogs emerged like blankets leaping to cover the sleeping form. I could not see them. I could not envision them so that I could see them as things that existed beyond visual phenomena. I could not believe, receive, or react. I could only blink, by which point, I faded into thin air like smoke. I was transported again into a familiar world. This was in the city "Tustown," and I liked to call it that way. I did not like its original name "Normal". Anyway, Tustown was large like smoking cannons to a child, and it looked wishy-washy, not the kind that inspired strength or commitment. But it did feel like it was open to help, so despite not enjoying the only paved road to Tustown, I walked through this road on the way back after going outside the gates to assess how wishy-washy it was. Anyway, Tustown had many houses, but its main key attraction was the street roads and how they curved around. They would be very steep and require strong legs to climb. The houses at the top were for the poor people, because this city did not get flooded at all and the richer folk did not want to waste time walking down or riding a wagon. The wagons were forced to go through an ugly road in the city where it was muddy in order to reach the top with wagons. The nobles did not like it, so they lived down and had the wagons be delivered directly to them rather than through the uphill paths to the top.

Anyway, I was here, because I can magically appear in and out of existence in this world. I live in nothingness, or in my own state outside of existence. I can go into this world and out without trouble. I am just assessing everything.


July 24, 10:18:56
Preference for Recent Surreal Writing Style


For some reason, this writing style speaks to me than the traditional writing that I just did yesterday.


July 24, 10:23:11 – July 24, 10:30:14
Surreal Brainstorming with Rottbrock: Feathers, Flavors, and Light


I saw two dogs like men walking far beyond the shore. I could see them, but I liked the feeling of a shore. So I licked the shore in my head. I did not actually lick it. But I do remember that dogs were pretty cool. I saw friends and voices in the air, and I was like, "Oh mah gah!" It was so heroic. I could tell.

Anyway, hands waved in the air, feathers flew back and forth, and winds burst like crane machinery exploding.

I could remember all of it: flying feathers, dancing men, people happy, swords aghast, eleven bibingka, hundreds of letters stabbing the ground and overturning it. Hundreds of men were silhouetting about.

Fine as it was, I saw it and lived in it. Red flavors cocking their guns and preparing them for a load of bullets.

Hundreds of dogs faded into thin light, and men were struck by men of light. Hundreds of them shot guns and turned their leaves into northern sky lights. Seven booms exploded into the air, and as soon as I was done, I was aware. I knew well the singular movement that would change my mind as I dared.

I knew well the sun of beauty, and I was aware of the rational behind the actions by which my mind were verified. I could insinuate a cuneate tubercle, or something of that sense. I lettered a few ideas and hope that I might say a word that insinuated beyond that of a red color, whatever feeling is present otherwise. I hope not to detract from the conversational sense, and I hope to create new things. It was with the help of my friend Rottbrock, by whom I was capable of generating brainstormed candid little colorful little-men (or ideas of the mind).


July 24, 10:40:16 – July 24, 10:54:14
Questioning Trends: The Enduring Value of the Past and Older Media


By the way, why the hell do we long to be a part of the trends? Why are we so excited about the present and the recent when a lot of us have forgotten the value of the complexities and nuances of the entirety of the past and the knowledge it holds?

The thing is that there is nothing particularly special about the trends. I am sure, one could argue that technological innovation is a good reason to follow the trends, but almost all of recent media is just recycled ideas done in a way that exceeds previous incarnations, which is not necessarily bad. But it is repetitive and useless to think that the past holds nothing but a bunch of nothing-burgers and that the present exceeds previous incarnations in all aspects. Usually, the present just repackages things that have already been said, written, and done before.

It is much better to study academic texts and live with the intention of engaging deeply with things rather than following the trends I feel. There is so much value lost in consuming trends and then forgetting them minutes later.

In 2016, we cared so much about things, and now, we look back and realize how utterly "stupid" the trends were. We invested our time and energy into things that did not really matter, and it became popular. Now we look back, and we get nostalgic and also realize the stupidity of it all. The fact that we say this, yet we continue to consume the recent is what makes this conundrum particularly challenging.

Like, I can probably play around with blocks if I was motivated enough and not so entangled with recent trends. I can just grab a bunch of toy blocks and build stuff out of them. Moreover, I can consider making Roblox games again. If I want to play older games, then I can look for them and play them. It is not that hard to look for older games anymore becaues I have Wayback Machine. If I want to read older forums posts of Roblox, I can do so very easily. If I want to go ahead and play Flash games and analyze older Facebook again, I can. Actually, I'm planning to do almost all of these as part of my autobiography-journal.

But what I'm trying to say is that I can do something like easily just sit down and re-read my favorite 1.6-million-word novel and analyze it chapter by chapter, which I am also considering to do as part of my autobiography-journal.

I don't have to follow the trends. The past holds treasures, and recently, I've been reading more and more academic texts from the 20th, 19th, and 18 century. There are lots of texts that are in the public domain, so I can read so much knowledge, and because I am getting bored of surface-level things, I am go ahead and get entertained by them the same way that re-reading and analyzing my favorite novel would do.

[REDACTED]


July 24, 15:22:53 – July 24, 15:35:26
The Tactile Joy of Typing After Waking


I find it almost strange that I have not addressed this until now, but whenever I just wake up, the feeling of typing on the keyboard with my hands that are not yet numb is best. I have only to get up from my bed on the floor, sit down at the computer desk, turn on the computer from sleep mode, use the mouse to browse around for a bit, and begin typing on the keyboard. Even if I was only intending to search something on the browser rather than write, as soon as I type on the keyboard, it is magical and heavenly. Maybe this feeling is something that is unique only to people like me who type a lot and who have just woken up; however, maybe it is something that, if given attention in my writings, could be cultivated to be felt more intensely because it is satisfying.

Let me clarify, I type all day on the keyboard, averaging 8,663 written words everyday in the last 57 days in particular, which amounts to 502,548 words. This makes it so that typing on the keyboard all day everyday means that by the time many hours has passed, my fingertips would have gotten used to the feeling already. That is why sleeping makes the fingertips fresh against to the feeling, which is satisfying to experience.

To be clear, I am not referring to the fingers, but to the fingertips. However, the fingers are also affected.

It does remind me of the feeling that the keyboard is new again, because that is what many keyboards feel like upon new use, given that they are usually made differently from each other, that even if my fingertips are a little numb from typing, the keyboard, because it is a little different from a keyboard I may currently use, it gives the tactile satisfaction of typing. But it depends on the keyboard, as I do not think all keyboards will feel satisfying to type on person-to-person.

Personally, I do not want to change my keyboard too much, at least as for the moment. It is better that I savor this feeling and get away with it without attempting to capture it too much. This way, it comes, and it goes, because I know that as soon as I try to systematize the tactile keyboard typing sensation, it will end up resulting in much unneeded baggage in my routine, potentially reducing the actual satisfaction in the process, which is the newness and the straight-out-of-water feeling of waking up and finding one's fingertips fresh to the sensation of typing on the keyboard after they had become numb by the time one was getting sleepy after a long day. It is even more pronounced now that I am mentioning, because at one point, it is natural to treat the fingertips, the fingers, and the keyboard as this mechanical tool that should not be given much attention, since there is much to learn and get used to with regard to its use beyond its tactile satisfaction. However, now that I have reached a certain level of comfort with the Internet, my personal computer, my personal room, and my keyboard, among other things, it is nice finally to address the keyboard and its wonderful tactile sensations, even if for this one occasion.


July 24, 15:44:23
The Power and Love of a Writer's Lifestyle


I love my lifestyle, because it allows me to the be at the seat of power achievable by writing.

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]


July 24, 17:06:42
Note on Developing Longer Paragraphs


I notice that I have not dedicated much attention into writing longer paragraphs, which might mean that refining my ability paragraphs longer than 663 words would be valuable.


July 24, 17:10:51
Making Sense of Past Experiences


In short, I remember being part of all these cool experiences in the past, and I hope that I can make sense of it.


July 24, 17:11:06
Remembering Too Much


I remember too much, and I think it is very easy to tell.


July 24, 17:55:32
Autobiography for Self-Understanding and Online Presence


To be honest, one major reason for the autobiography-journal besides feeling that my identity is stable, coherent, secure, logical, comprehensive, and precise is making it so that I can make a website through which people can know be easier. If I know myself, then it would be easy to make constructive, productive conversation. It is easier to listen to someone who has sorted themselves and their entire life out, and they know how to communicate themselves best, both to optimal engagement and to optimal self-affirmation.


July 24, 18:09:41
Observing Engagement with Past Media by Newer Generations


I find it almost depressing to see that the people that do engage in media from the 2000s and 2010s are frequently those who have not experienced it.


July 24, 18:10:15
Inability to Pretend in Story Writing


I do not think I can write a story and pretend anymore.


July 24, 18:10:37
Intention for Public Online Writing


I am going to make sure that almost everything that I write will be online on the Internet for people to see.


July 24, 18:33:02
Old Twitter Aesthetics and the Changing Internet Culture


To be honest, I am only using Twitter because I downloaded this extension that made it look like old Twitter. It makes it feel more human and homely for me. Maybe, it's because the Internet has gotten more heated as everyone started using and making it this serious place...

...thus making me see new Twitter with the increased negativity I've seen personally. However, this can be attributed to frequency bias if anything, and it is highly anecdotal. So take it with a grain of salt, given how big the Internet is. But I would say that people have...

...rapidly turned to these city-state–like platforms more and more as the Internet grew bigger and more serious. I am suggesting that this occurred in the span of the last decade or so. I am not suggesting that the Internet was innocent before, or that there are no safe spaces...

...now, but I do feel strongly about the reality that the collective community and culture has shifted from that of a more uniform culture to that of an conglomeration of external entities even more so. However, this is not necessarily bad, as this can be said to have opened...

...up room for pluralism and eclecticism, making it easier for usually alienated groups and voices to have a mainstays in their own external entity groups. (That's a mouthful, but bear with me.) In any case, things have shifted, and how that affects me is utterly personal. But...

...what I do hope to impart is that there is always going to be a place for people, and people are tirelessly working to making sure that even in this new age, there is always a place to call home; which is a hopeful conclusion and probably the only one we'll get for now on...

...this highly ambitious topic. Anything else that I say is limited within my very own scope, so I hope that in writing this, I contribute to a larger sphere of 'nostalgic enthusiasts' (which is an intentionally broad term). But you get the point. Have a nice day, and tell...

friends you love them, or their sneakers if you don't roll with direct expression.


July 24, 18:44:15
On Originality Lost Through Repetition


It's been a long time in this wide world, and the only thing that I can say is that anything comes and anything goes. There is nothing to say about anything, because once it's already said, it's said too much times. And at that point, the original is lost, and the idea is just...

... a figment of itself.


July 24, 18:45:37
The Inherent Limitations of Language


I do not think it is necessarily nihilistic; however, I do believe that it does point to the inherent limitations of language.


July 24, 19:04:44 – July 24, 19:11:59
Recognizing Bias in "Classics" and Web Novel Platforms


I'm starting to realize that it is true that the classics tend to skew toward white European. It is weird that I never thought about this. I read academic texts all the time, yet it did not occur to me that almost all of the authors were white and European (or American). 

I realized that I liked a lot of books, and I thought they were not that crazy at all and that it was just my opinion. However, I'm starting to realize that the entirety of what defined "classics" is highly selective. The fact that people go wild over Henry David Thoreau's Walden is justified in its own right, but part of me gets the feeling that the praise can be given to numerous other books that do not get the same kind of "classic" attention. It is strange, but within any community, from small to large, there is always this lingering feeling that the people there put so much praise into a particular book or set of books. For one, personally, I tried posting experimental stories on a platform that was increasingly becoming skewed toward LitRPG progressive isekai fantasies. This means that the people who read on the site prefer reading them to the point of not reading any other type of book. This fosters a sense of exclusion and streamlining, as there are platforms increasingly restrictive toward either young female readers who love romance or those geared toward male readers who love fantasy, RPG, and action. I am not saying that there are no alternatives, but despite my trust in the authors who did post works that diverged from the stereotype and still got readers, I myself experienced exclusionary attitudes, not only in terms of that particular web novel community, but also in terms of Asian representation, as I was assumed to be Asian American because I spoke in English and mentioned Asian elements. This connects now to the statement I saw on this social media platform called "Bluesky"  by Jes Battis that made me realize the white European bias of the "classics".


July 24, 19:30:51
The Challenge of "Lore" and Expressing Depth on Social Media


It is weird that I can read so many posts on Bluesky, and I realize that it will be vastly difficult for me to put anything in words without having built up a lore. Either I use words that anyone can understanding, scaring away those seeking depth, or I use words that rely on some "lore"...

... from earlier posts, entries, articles, novels, or interactions. Either way, if I am going to express anything, then I need to take into account immediately of the necessity for a lore and the difficulty in having everyone go through that lore. Not everyone will, and the length one takes...

... in exploring that lore and the general length of the lore itself will be of increasing importance to any "expresser" or person interested in communicating a substantial volume of themselves, their ideas, or a particular topic.

Personally, I have considered opening up space through a website...

... given that I've written around a million words in an autobiography-journal. So I can easily provide abstracts and generate original insights in hopes of translating them upon the website. Besides a website, there is always social media and the long list of posts generated over a span of time.

With the many social media platform options out there, each post plays a contributing lore, as people that come by do not consume the entirety of the lore in full. There is always an active interpretative element to lore consumption or digestion. If one is to store information, there is always...

... the concern of how it might be organized and structured not a singular in-itself final element, but as one that is interpreted through a variety of entry points and end points. Not all should be seen as a beginning and an end, because that does not reflect actual interpretation and consumption.

Instead, should we store information in any way, we may optimally do so with the consideration that the weight of our experiences occurs in varying modes, frameworks, and unique considerations. This means that information should be generalized and mapped continuously, which is why any storage...

... should be provided its "endlessness", a place of open space where one can leave, not necessarily as a smooth ending, but as one that maximizes comprehension while opening up space for pluralism and eclecticism to enrich it, even if it means abandoning it altogether in favor of a new framework.


July 24, 19:43:35
Conveying Self Without Confining Labels


I spend much of my time doing a lot of things, and since I feel like saying the terms that relate most closely to who I am feels off or invalidating, I will just use this description as a way to convey that desire to be myself without being confined.


July 24, 20:25:36 – July 24, 20:26:21
Agreement on Anti-Intellectualism and Reading Difficult Texts


I finally found someone on Bluesky who shares my thoughts on anti-intellectualism: 'I don't know where my rant about the YA-ification of literature is, and I'm too lazy to look for it, but anti-intellectualism is not the sole province of the far right, and it should be a giant red flag to you when someone embraces the idea that people don't need to read hard things.'

There is more danger if people don't care about reading challenging text, because that exposes them to the ease of easy words and their charm, especially in the context of us vs. them where easy language is used along with buzzwords in order to appeal most easily to the majority, even at the cost of constructive language, which might require a bit of hedging and a bit of elaboration.

The foregoing Bluesky post was made by "@cardiograms.bsky.social‬".


July 24, 20:41:44
Improving Communication Through Exposure to Diverse Perspectives


You know what the good thing of exposing one to newer weirder or constrasting communities, ideas, and books is? Better communication. Iron sharpens iron. So the more one jumps into the rabbit hole of one's echo chamber, the more it is reinforced. But it is not just about finding ideas that are oppose one's ideas. It is about ideas that expose one's ideas in a new angle and light, and there are many ways of doing that. Finding people who take interest in things in which one is not interested is one way of getting that new angle. This allows one to be more well-rounded in one's communication, by recognizing their words and ideas from numerous varying angles. Going into social media and looking at what people say is great, but that can also be quite hegemonic if one stays in a particular space for too long. Moreover, the broader Internet and social media are problematic; however, one can easily follow particular individuals. And if they are the type to share novel thoughts every time, then those people can contribute to one's well-roundedness. Understanding both the popular hegonomies and recognizing individuals is helpful in finding varying angles. Books are one example of showing what one's priorities are, and not all authors write the same way. But I am careful about the word "books" because when one limits their understanding of the world merely to books and dismisses the text content of social media, they limit their approach to the world. It is not only "social media" as in one's particular favorite social media platform, but any social media platform. There are many from which to choose.


July 24, 21:19:23 – July 24, 21:30:12
Frustration with Modern YouTube/Facebook UI and Nostalgia for Early 2010s Aesthetics


Right now, I love Youtube. The issue is that I do not like the Creator Studio layout. What do you think I should do? Should I just focus on making a video so good that it makes me somehow not hate the Creator Studio layout? No, I just want to make casual videos, but the Creator Studio layout feels too serious and professional. I cannot for the life of me look at it and feel satisfied.

I'm just saying that the current Youtube Creator Studio layout does not fit the vibe I'm going for, so every time I record a video, I don't want to upload it because as soon as I get to the Creator Studio where all the features are, I see the layout, and I'm done.

It is not that it is causing me distress. It is that it does not fit the vibe I'm going for at all. It is like using Reddit to post the national address of the president or something, but the other way around. It feels utterly unfitting for the kind of content I'm making. The theme and style of the layout is just not it for me.

This is why I don't use Facebook anymore. It is because the new design makes it feel too serious, and the early 2010s casual feel is lost.

Now I don't find myself posting randomly on Facebook anymore. Even the emojis are too serious. Everything became so much more serious for no reason, and I miss the early 2010s vibe of just uploading a Youtube video or making a Facebook post and being done without any of this serious air all around by virtue of the webpage design and layout alone.

I find myself more likely to post on social media if it reminds me of the early 2010s, because that time felt so much more casual. I notice I feel more motivated to write and post a comment on Youtube when I am using an extension that brings back the older 2010s design.

I remember being so excited and charmed by rounded edges at one point, but that has changed. I now view them as too much for their own good.

No, I mean rounded corners are everywhere now, and I prefer the early 2010s aesthetic of rectangular corners.

Rounded corners used to feel genuinely softer and more approachable, but they now feel strict, invasive, and overly professional and serious.

Now it's looped back to rectangular corners being approchable and soft. I notice this when I looked at sites that tried to imitate 2000s and 2010s aesthetic.


July 24, 21:46:12 – July 24, 21:52:37
Abandoning Social Media Efforts for Focused Writing


I have decided to give up on trying to connect to social media. Too much of a hassle, and I think it's much more efficient for me to be sitting down writing on my private autobiography-journal anyway. I can try to connect to social media and establish a personal website, but it is much more productive for me to be writing about the entirety of my life. While connecting to social media can connect me to different kinds of people and how they converse casually, it is severely limiting as well, since a lot of is just cascade of voices all dependent upon context. Rather than a place whereupon I can expand my understanding and develop myself, it is a place where I can through a blur of motions, faces, and thoughts with little context and uplifting at all, like going through the streets. But the difference is that the streets carries so much more than a text-only social media feed.

I have tried to care, but there are vast worlds in which I can immerse right now. And they are vastly more productive than staring at a bunch of passersby. 

However, it is a good thing anyway that I spared a day in order to try connecting with social media platforms again, because any contrast defines me further and makes my identify and interests stabler.


[REDACTED]


July 25, 06:08:54
Recap: Yesterday's Social Media Exploration and Renewed Focus


To be honest, yesterday, I felt like I was being eaten alive by how how big the world is even now. I mean, it is not like all the people are crazy or unique to the point of making me lose my brain cells due to how hard it would be to know everyone.

I feel like I'm just saying that I feel overwhelmed, which feels oversimplified and not at all what I mean.

So yesterday, I went to browse Neocities sites, and I stumbled upon the website dimden.dev. I saw his extension to make Twitter like Old Twitter and decided to download it and check it out. I realized that older Twitter looks much more comfortable and less overly serious. So I posted a thread. Afterwards, I went to Bluesky and posted a thread there as well. Yesterday, I also talked about the fact that Discord just does not work for me, and I think this is what made me decide to look for other social media platforms.

After doing all that, I decided that I did not want to use social media, and I wrote that it was more productive to read academic texts and write, writing something along the lines of "immersing myself in vast worlds."


July 25, 06:28:09
Reflecting on Neocities Art and its Forgetability


Besides dimden.dev, I also came upon the Neocities website "plasticdino.neocities.org". I went and looked at the art section and felt uncomfortable in a way. I was reminded again that art is everywhere and that art is something that makes me think, "Oh damn... it is so forgettable, not because it is bad, but because we live in a very vast and fast world. It is like an art piece made in a tiny village in the middle of nowhere."

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]


July 25, 08:37:06
Incomplete Thought Fragment


Even if I want to enjoy myself and make some truly good things, that does not mean that i


July 25, 08:38:49
Early Music Exposure Through Game Parodies


I remember when the first "worldly" music that I watched when I was a young Christian was League of Legends (LOL) and Minecraft parodies of popular music, as if that was somehow more tame. And it was tamer, given that they are often very innocuous in their parodying, changing sensual lyrics into Minecraft- or LOL-related ones.


July 25, 09:04:03 – July 25, 09:06:00
Inaccurate Word Count Calculation Attempt


... increasing my average word count from an estimate of 3,300 words per day to 4,057 ([510000 confirmed non-fiction words in second journal  / 330,000 estimated fiction words from serialization] / 207 days) words per day, a little over half a year after its creation date, July 4, 2023. An estimate of my writing speed from July 4, 2023 to January 1, 2024 is around 3,300 words per day, or 600,000 (est.) words in 182 days.

These are likely to be vastly inaccurate, so I will not include them in my statement and just leave them here.

[REDACTED]


July 25, 10:37:07
The Endless Adventure of Finding New Writing Angles


It is weird... you know... I always find something new to talk about, so if this is an adventure, it does not seem to end. And it is not as if intellectually, I declared that writing and the autobiography-journal have made everything repetitive, including writing. However, even if I know writing will always create novel things and ways of looking at the world, I am still surprised every time I find a new angle and aspect of my life about which I have yet to write. It is magical and spontaneous like potion-brewing by a group of mischievous alchemists in a fantasy RPG setting in an older RPG from the early 2000s.


July 25, 10:44:01 – July 25, 10:58:04
Writing Zero-to-Hero Fiction, Patience, and Tackling Travel Memories


I have always enjoyed writing zero-to-hero stories, but I have always written them in a way that emphasized displacement, mental disorder, and the challenge of maintaining the self with one's moral integrity in an ever-complexifying world. Isekai stories have explored many times the concept of psychological realism in the context of being displaced forcibly into a dangerous fantasy setting. However, even if this concept is not entirely new, the way that I approach is entirely unique to me, given that I have been influenced by my own vast and rich experiences in my earlier years, growing up in large communities, meeting and befriending hundreds of people, and traveling much to numerous kinds of events and places. Besides that, my writing style tends to be a combination of surrealism, postmodernism, post-structuralism, philosophical fiction, absurdism, psychological realism with grief, loss, tragedy, rage, frustration, and other intense and subtle emotions, Romantic expressionism, and themes of LitRPG progressive fantasy, grandiose ambition, and social and political commentary through deconstruction (postmodernism and post-structuralism). This combination is unusual for most traditional writers.

I have already written numerous fiction passages, and my longest story is around 200,000 words. However, I aim to write a story beyond a million words, but I am patient, taking my time to focus on my recent primary goals of non-fiction writing with my autobiography-journal and my reading of academic texts.

I do not care about writing a one-million-word story. If it is time, it will unfold organically. I tend to write fiction content from time to time, sometimes as short as 500 words or as long as 7,000 words in the last 2 months. But when it is time, it will occur like an avalanche, because I know well that my non-fiction writing is crucial for the development of not only my non-fiction writing, but also of my overall writing as well, including that concerning my fantasy fiction novels.

I am not worried, because I have proved and continue to prove that if I wanted to, I can write another 200,000-word novel again. It is more so a matter of letting myself go at my own pace and focus on my current interests.

Coincidentally, I remember well the feeling of traveling and going into many big places like Cuneta Astrodome here in the Philippines. I have many memories of traveling to distant places of all kinds, in more rural places and in more urban places. It is lovely to have all these memories of physical sensations and smells with cars and cooking hotdogs, sounds with the rush of people, and the vast sound quality of large indoor arenas where music are being played. It gets nostalgic.

Moving on to a topic relevant to my autobiography-journal, I have not written much about my traveling experiences, but I guess that is because my autobiography-journal is still in its early stages, with most of the effort spent toward methodology building and meta-analysis of my writing, self-documentation, and data collection process and toward writing things that occur most immediately to me, like my past memories in my earlier years, save for traveling, and the list of media I've consumed throughout my life. These are easier to write down than my traveling experiences, because it is a big can of worms to tackle.


July 25, 12:59:20 – July 25, 14:09:58
Analytical Questions for the Novel "Peter"


This is in regard to the novel "Peter":

what do you imagine from the story when I say "breakdown"? give a descriptive and vivid illustration of what you imagine based on what the passage has given?

analyze Peter's catatonia? Why did he react like this?

does Peter's trauma validate his reactions? Or is he just overreacting?

How is he still alive? Give me a list of critical factors as if you're assessing damages and factors for insurance

Has he beaten enemies seemingly far beyond his power level? Has he failed in times that demanded seemingly little effort?

Is Peter a deconstruction of the traditional power-leveling LitRPGprogressive fantasy Gary Stu protagonist? If no, why? If yes, how?

Analyze the importance of relationships in this story and how they impact critically his trajectory, including his moments of advancement and moments of backsliding.

What happened to Blatore, Malta, and Rol? I forgot about them, but I do remember they were being propped up to be important and play big roles. But they were killed or something? I don't remember.

Can you tell me about the 22 Alaska dholes who tried to kill him?

analyze the scene where they were planning and strategizing to defeat Peter

what happened in the Zion attack specifically? Analyze it like you're making a chronological overview of the events.

How does Peter's empathy become the reason for his destructive actions?

He sounds like a child with a nuclear bomb based on your description. Is he?

However, would you say that his lack of emotional muturity is because of him as a person or because of the trauma and displacement into this fantasy world? One could argue that if he was not given so much power, he would not be the way he is, and he would be able to take care of himself and his emotional wellbeing better.

This story makes fantasy worlds a horror world to live in and the modern day on Earth a happy carefree place.

Do you think he would be able to heal if he was returned to Earth and give time, space, resources, and support?

He would likely be alienated from everything and everyone he knew, like a soldier coming back from war, unable to relate to anything or anyone anymore.

Everything would be terrifying to him. Things that made people happy like fireworks would terrify him and remind him of magical explosions. He would find daily life a place full of reminders of the fantasy world and his traumas there.

He might see beauty as a reminder of trauma. That is a terrifying experience to live through.

analyze moments where the narrator focuses on things other the characters and the drama.

I think I remember something about a white flower motif? Am I wrong?

what other motifs that appear as actual objects are recurring in the story

Violence has had grounding instances for Peter through the rock?

Is the rock overpowered? Or can it kill genuinely?

I mean, in reality, are rocks genuinely lethal if accurate?

so the author is not a realist, but prefers symbolism?

What is Peter outside of the archetype of "person who's very strong and is mentally troubled and wants to help people but gets it all wrong"

are there moments that are light-hearted genuinely? With all the intense climaxes, it is easy to forget that there are moments where they talk and that's it

what other light-hearted moments? pick one and address it in detail

Give me another example and similarly go into detail into that one. This is one of the first light-hearted scenes, so I know this well.

Wait, is this not the same connected scene to the last one? I'm looking for ones later post-Callous

This scene is the same connected dhole feast scene. Give me another scene post–Callous death

This is still in the same connected dhole feast scene.

This is the start. This is not post–Callous death. Focus on a conversation between Richardess and Peter after Callous' death.

This is still in the same connected dhole feast scene. Focus on a conversation between Richardess and Peter after Callous' death.

Focus on any light-heated instance after Callous' death. Is there not a single one?

what is the Danderlion?

What I like about the story is how much is left to the imagination. There is still so much. For example, the author has not explored accountability as much from the victims' perspective with regard to Peter.


July 25, 13:02:34
Autobiographical Storytelling from Limited Memory


It would be autobiographical—would it not?—to write a story that gathers as much data as possible, but since the data is limited, the author will have to write down based on their general memories and specific memories of the event and interactions. This is as long as the author understands the limits of their memories and writes to their best ability and hedges with their language.


July 25, 13:09:33
Remembering 2021 Livestream Chatters and Viewer SMP Beginnings


It is very interesting that the 4 chatters that I remember the most from my livestreaming in 2021 only first chatted within 3 days of each other: "Sprutnutt", "unkown_pal", "blakeriley16", and "Alkers". To explain what I mean by this, Sprutnutt chatted on July 7, 2021 first. unkown_pal and blakeriley16 chatted on July 8, 2021. Alkers chatted on July 9, 2021.

Since I have their chats, I can easily document my interactions with them; however, unfortunately, I do not have the VODs (Video on demand). So I can rely only on my memories of their interactions, which is okay in its own right.

I remember that there were 3 different Minecraft worlds for the Viewer SMP (Survival Multiplayer) in which we played together and that I remember playing the game on a Swamp. It is weird because my memory is a little blurred.

Sadly, I was not prepared to receive the many people I did at the time. I have not systematized any form of saving the livestreams as VODs (Video of demand), and I have 



July 25, 13:14:06
Speculating on Chatter Timing


It was likely because I started my Viewer SMP, but for some reason, this occurred only with this. I think I got lucky.


July 25, 13:26:56
Questioning the Ethics of Documenting Faint Memories


However, the question is whether or not it is right for me to try to document it at all, given that I have faint memories of the sequence of events. 


July 25, 14:56:15 – July 25, 15:04:51
Architectural Asceticism: Designing a Prison and Exploring Latent Potential


I wish one day to create my own prison, not a traditional prison, but a work of architecture. I have yet to understand architecture enough to explain exactly the image in my mind. But let me try. It is made out of numerous cube-like structures that are rotated differently to make this rugged circle similar to a many-sided polygon.

The reason I want to create a prison is because I want to live a life of asceticism. Given that I've grown up traveling and exploring relatively disordered urban environments and free-range rurals ones, my time at home in my rectangular, squarish home has given me a new sense of stability and control, allowing me to understand myself from a geometrically stable position, as opposed to the outgoing fluidity of my early experiences, which involved much travel, socializing, larger communities, and events. However, I want to push it a degree further and see if the very architecture of my abode can be a prison, even more than how my room felt to me in my first several years here staying at home and especially in this room. I have gotten used to staying at home and in my room, and I am ready to take it a step further to test and challenge how I perceive myself and the world and how my environment, as signified by the architecture, affects me.

I do not think I will actually have enough money to build this, but it is something to ponder about in my writing, because I have not displayed any interest in the multi-faceted effect of architecture upon people. It is not only architecture, but for most of my life, the capacity of any field has been displayed only in vivid images in media that faded eventually into memory, such as architecture, science, and biology, among others. It was only recently that the ideation of the fields became of stronger interest with my dive into writing, but also into studying academic texts. It was not that the entirety of my life was unfulfilled or lacking so as to be empty, but its potential and wealth as untouched and unexplored, left to be mere words written down. However, recently, I've been placing much weight into ideas that were hitherto lost to senselessness and to my psychological and cognitive limitations. However, with time spent in introspection and alongside words, writing, and my autobiogragraphy-journal, my world has seen light in the form of diverse ideas coalescing in bountiful ways without which they would have remained visually imaginitive, but not explicitly defined or recorded also. 


July 25, 15:14:50 – July 25, 15:19:43
Theoretical Musings on Mind-Environment Interaction


I have considered the ways in which the mind adapts to the circumstantial elements which are of immediate attention to it and relay to it a quantity of information that elicits marked increases in productive content. To explain the mind's relationship with its environment, the brain turns to the elements as suggestive, relating pre-existing ideas to them firstly before ascribing numbers and other data to them. This is followed by the ascription by properties. Then, it moves to the attribution of functions. This is finally finished off with characterizations, or the bestowal of elements that go beyond the interrelation between ideas and the earlier stages of understanding. 'Circumstantial' denotes that the elements remain as yet describable, but not necessarily exclusively present, as there will be those elements which are unseen or undetected, thus making them 'unseen' elements. The movement of information by number underpin the relationship between immediate attention and the elicitation of cranial activity in the form of "productive content". 

I am merely approaching the mind from a different angle. I recognize that cranial activity can be merely described as that of the processes of the mind, and I believe that it can be sufficiently inferred that emotions play a role in the aforesaid 'characterization'. When it comes to its relationship with existing models if cognitive science, I recognize its limitations, as I have not provided contrast and suggestions that equip cognitive scientists with newfound insight, any more than a rewording or rephrasing of existing concepts. While this pertains to the essential interplay of cranial activity and its environment at a level where its empirical partners are besides the point, I have yet to provide examples, which would greatly benefit the exploration.


July 25, 15:24:33 – July 25, 15:32:11
Introspection vs. Social Presence: Rebalancing the Self


I have addressed previously that when one's privacy is intruded, there is an immediate cost to one's ability to navigate their introspection, as it is now beset with emergent elements resulting from the conflict between the introspection of a stabilized established mind in their abode and the intruder in their social presence. Though, I have yet to explore this in more detail. When my mind is beset by social presences, my head skews its cognitive allocation toward how it might react at social contact points, wherein the mind is affected not only by the recognition of an independent social person, but of their ability to be an informer and an influencer also. This interplay of recognition and social expectations conflicts with the introspective mind state, forcing it to locate new ways of interpreting their behavior such that it is both actionable in a social viable context, while being adherent to its flow of thoughts before the emergence of social presences.

The person who is beset by social 'differences'—that of the conflicting quality not only of the inherence of social presences, but also of the conflicting goals and objectives based on pre-established interpersonal paradigms in their shared context and based on the way they signal, even unintentionally, their goals and objectives through something as simple as a particular direction of walking)—is restrained and must locate for himself a manner of behavior which has historically for them been most successful in emotional persuasion, not in a traditional persuasive sense, but of the ability to commit one's image (1), their social interactions with the social presence (2), and their ability to self-modify through acts to which they committed themselves (3). So a person will likely find themselves in need to take upon committed actions such as singing if it affords them ease in all three domains. For example, a social presence enters the room, and the person beset by this presence are drawn psychologically to singing as a way to achieve success in all three domains. If it the singing is successful, not in a traditional way, but in a way that adheres to their various assets of self, then whatever the end result, they have re-established, rebalanced, and re-oriented themselves in the light of the social presence with decreasing costs to their emotional wellbeing.


July 25, 17:43:46
Note: First Use of En Dash for Spaced Compounds


March 30, 2022 was the first I used en dash to denote a compound word with spaces. The following is the example I used in the text file "phrases.txt" wherein that was recorded.

"World War 1–style"


July 25, 18:09:03 – July 25, 18:36:15
Project: Analyzing and Organizing 20+ Google Drives


I am finally going to do it. I'm going to do an analysis of the content of each of my Google drives. I have 20+ Google accounts through an organizational unit (admin), and each has different files in their drives. Since I was in a hurry to pour as much files as possible, I did not have time to think about making sure I know what goes in and out. However, now I'm planning to analyze the content and potentially organize the content. I might even consider naming them according to the content they hold, which means that I might segregate the files to different Drives.

Okay, so for the first one, we're going to call it "Redmayne". It has not maximized its file storage, as it can go up to 30 GB from what I've heard. It's currently at 15.02 GB. It does not have many files and folders when looking at it initially; however, the files are large in size. And one major reason is my inclusion of installers. I think this must have been due to panic; however, I included the installers of software, even if they ranged from about 100 MB to 1 GB. I can begin deleting them; however, that does not necessarily have to happen. What I can do instead is move to their own dedicated drive. This way, if I want to remove them, I can do so willingly. I am not on a time limit anyway.

The issue is that transferring large files like installers 1 GB in size will take too long. This is why I've turned to writing, because I can have 515,000 words in 2.85 MB. Now that may not seem large, but because it's precise, detailed, and comprehensive autobiographical text content, it is highly valuable while still being weightless.

This is going to be very tricky. Videos can be uploaded to Youtube; however, when it comes to other files, it is best that that they're not that many and not that large.


July 25, 19:40:26 – July 25, 19:55:26
New Angles on Familiar Places and the Calmness of Experience


About three days ago, we went on a trip to get some books from this bookstore called Booksale, and I remember that when we went home, it was the first time that I rode my family's car and dropped at the new parking place in our gated neighborhood. Getting out from there made me feel very weird, because I have never looked at the main street and the gate to our gated community through that angle before. The new parking place used to be an empty piece of land with vegetation; however, they turned it into a parking lot probably because no one wanted to buy it. I don't know exactly, as it was a corner lot. It is weird to experience things that I've known all my life in a whole new way and not even flinch. It reminds me that growing up was filled with countless new, highly vivid and visceral experiences; however, I have forgotten their intensity with time.

If I was younger, I would have reacted with much greater intensity and passion rather than a simple glance. I have become so much productive and functional so as not to be surprised anymore. I am so calm that it is crazy. It was the first time that I've ever seen the gate that I've known since I was a baby through that angle of the new parking lot, yet I did not react at all.

It is not that I am not passionate at all and do not have goals; however, it is strange to see myself be calm in the face of things that are arguably incredible. Maybe, it's because I've experienced so much and because of the Internet as well. The Internet and my vast and rich life experiences has made me much more subdued and unsurprised with things that should be crazy as they pertain to first times of my life.

It is like, "I have seen that before." But the truth is... I have not seen that before necessarily. It is more so that I have had so many first times and become so seasoned to so many first times and challenges that it is almost natural and easy for me not to be surprised at events like seeing something that I've known all my life from a different angle. I mean it is a literal different angle, since I never went to the lot where the parking lot now is. I would pass by the lot, but I would not go to the lot in order to look at the gate and the surrounding street and houses from the lot. This is a first time, and while I wish that I was more intense about it, I recognize and acknowledge that if I lived life to such great sensitivity, I would not be able to appreciate the past as much. I have been writing so much through my autobiography-journal, and this activity requires patience and calm. So even if I do not feel so much, I am dealing with things that make me feel so much. It is just that calm allows me to process and write the past down without getting caught up in emotions.

I think the "seen it all" feeling is due to how my mind processes information and learns. Even if I have not actually processed everything from the past, only experiencing it directly without any understanding beyond the curiosity of a child, my mind assumes that I understand everything enough that I feel that way. However, in reality, even if I have so many memories, that does not mean that they are actionable. I might not understand how to put those memories into words, and that is already one reason why the mind fools us into thinking that we understand. It is true that we understand, but because we have not externalized it, they are only as real as dreams, which, if not externalized in a way that adds value, is severely limited. 

I have so many past experiences, and while my body and mind have grown because of them, that does not mean that it is okay for me to live according to my body and mind as they have been formed from the past. Basically, understanding goes beyond living according to one's wants, body, and mind as it is formed from past experiences and actively being formed in the present simply. It is best to admit that one is only as valuable as they can contribute and provide value in accordance to the entirety of their lives, and externalizing those memories and experiences assigns them value. For example, instead of thinking that I am so perfectly ready that I can just go up to someone and expect them to accept me for who I am without having an understanding of me, I should focus on how others see me based on what I have currently externalized. This means that I should recognize that I am only as much as I am capable of externalizing and communicating. This is why my autobiography-journal is value. It extends one's hand and shows them into my world and my life. Having various novels, books, and websites that elucidate upon oneself is value, more than things that remain in the mind simply.


July 25, 20:09:29 – July 26, 04:45:13
Developing a Writing-Centric Infrastructure for Multimedia Files


I am starting to realize that uploading my files into a Google Drive comes with some concerns, and I was hoping to continue the development of a framework with regard to how I might deal with these files. I believe that writing is the best way to help make sense of all the content, given that videos alone take up too much space to act as the foundational approach to developing an infrastructure for my overall system of pure and applied knowledge. It is not that videos are the critical issue; however, the key issue of file handling comes with the nature of varying file sizes and content. While the system of file transferring and uploading rarely discriminates against file type, in the case of file size, text files carry greater value in substantially minimal size, as 517,000 words can fit into a 2.85-MB plain text file. This is especially valuable given that I am an experienced writer and the text file falls under my autobiography-journal. In contrast to text files, other types of files like videos, images, and other files pertaining to digital activities like coding require more intentionality, as they require some form of description, context, or any other textual framework in arrangement with a compiling system. Either way, uploading files of varying types into a Google Drive can take too much time and detract from the more significant contributor, writing. This is only the case because I am assuming a wellspring of varying file types that can be too much to parse, like audio files, especially when one relies on them as a primary form of documentation. One can seek a balance; however, I am calling for a radical approach to documentation and the storing of files and data, one that emphasizes the role of writing as the mediator and infrastructure of any other file type or content approach.

This means that the goal of any multimedia content should firstly be for them to be parsed textually or qualitatively delineated or evaluated. Getting rid of the documentation importance of other methods like taking screenshots, taking pictures, recording audio, or recording video and audio should be done with the intention of keeping them away from direct interference in the form of playing a direct role in the infrastructure of documentation, as their role should firstly be to accumulate informally off to the side. This approach solidifies writing as the main and only path to the systematization of any idea, memory, image, experience, or file or content; preventing the issues associated with "context drain" (a neologism formed from "brain drain") and file bloating (the high size–minimal value bloating of importance of a non-text file and the diminished recognition of the high value–minimal size system offered by writing).

This means assessing the content of every single video, audio file, and image and delineating it as much as possible in order to integrate each into the writing-centric infrastructure. That is what I meant by "should firstly be for them to be parsed textually". I can already do this with the videos that I stored privately in my Youtube account. What I can do is write a long detailed description of what was said and done in the video; however, it would be great if AI can one day do that describing for me because there are many instances where the video does not have much context to talk about, given that it is best to describe only what is apparent in the video, because touch upon any context will either be too short or too lengthy. The good thing is that the description can be integrated into the autobiography-journal rather than to the description of the Youtube video. I can just have the link shown to cite what video I'm talking about. When it comes to images, they require context much, much more, because many of them will contain key information. However, there are lots of videos and images that are just me recording myself, even if I do not say anything substantial necessarily. But these videos and images will especially require a writing-centric infrastructure because they lack value on their own and are only value when incorporated to reap their emergent value. Moving on to the territory of other files like a folder for a website I coded, it is possible to show one's code in markdown; however, this will require much more intentionality, given that I have written code documentation yet. But I wager that as long as I describe the context and functions precisely, then it is sufficient.

It is going to be a hassle to go about watching long videos and going through every image to give context about them, but this is an essential process that prevents just acumulating data the context of which becomes lost to time. The goal is to make it so that ideally, 100% of the value of anything, whether an object, an image, video, or book, is not stuck in my head and is written down in detail. This way, people will know exactly the reason why I used this and that.

Before I head into this project, I will continue to describe things as they are currently. For one, in my room, I have not mentioned that I tend to put my feet against the top of the air conditioner in the wall as it projects with a ledge or shelf. It is no bother to the air conditioner, and it allows me to make sure that my body does not get tired of sitting down, given that I sit down all day everyday. If I cannot describe simple things like that, then it will be challenging once I start describing things that carry heavy weight because the minor details are left out. There are numerous minor details that seem useless but grow actually to become crucial. In 2020, when I was going to a cafe everyday, I did not have the skills to write down my experience, but if I did, I would have loved that I wrote down what happened in my daily life, listing down every single event, thought, idea, and decision I made. This would ensure that even if I did not record every single thing that I did on my computer with a screen recorder, I would have the context. In fact, the value of a bunch of images is much less by themselves in comparison to written context. However, that is not to say that I cannot take pictures in a way that captures what my life is like in a room for optimal value, but the images that I tend to take and am capable of taking fall much lower on the value scale, making writing much more highly valuable. But since I did not have the writing skills I do now back in 2020, I can rely only on my memories and from images from that time, which tend to ignore the minor details. 

The goal right now is to focus on details that are easy to capture, such as my room or that files that are relevant to me right now. For example, I can begin to describe the applications that I use in my desktop computer and explain the context behind each of them. I can also do this for images and videos that I have recorded. Instead of looking to the past, I should engage instead with ones from the present because it will make describing past ones much better. However, this is going to be challenging.

What I can do is record a video now and develop ways for me to turn that video into something that is not a video by itself but something that can be integrated into the textual infrastructure. I can describe the thing that I did and said during that short video log; however, I feel that that is limited by itself, because as mentioned before, the written context is either too short or too long. This means that it is more than just recording videos and describing them. It is finding how they interrelate to everything else, and that will require development in the territory of my current daily life in recent days, weeks, and months. This way, when I record that video, it will not stand alone as just a video, but it will be meta-contextualized (given that it is a form of documentation).


July 25, 20:09:34
Query: "Infrastructure" vs. "Framework"


Am I the only one who finds that terms such as "infrastructure" as a word to mean "framework" is redundant in general language? I feel that "framework-building" is perfectly general compared to "infrastructure-formation" or "framework-formation"


July 25, 20:17:15
Valuing Varied Language to Avoid Oversimplification


Yeah, but I'm concerned also with the necessity of incorporating varied language use if it means that I can prevent overnormalization (over generalization or simplification) of words, which are such that their ideas are left in the corner waffling about with little precision or variation so as to impede all nuanced interpretation. In substance, it is how, within the same passage, words are interpreted in general in comparison to their most precise terms that master-instrumentalizes a 'working-class' (i.e. variably sufficient) idea. In short, it is how general words free the need for precise ones.


July 25, 20:17:35
Request for Explanation: 'Working-Class' Idea


explain: In substance, it is how, within the same passage, words are interpreted in general in comparison to their most precise terms that master-instrumentalizes a 'working-class' (i.e. variably sufficient) idea.

sufficient in varying contexts? is that working-class is intended to mean so as to mean 'working-class' in that it is of working quality but that it is also of the working-class, which is the widest scope? So this widest scope is where "variably sufficient" comes in to mean that it is sufficient in variyng contexts within a wide "working-class" scope.

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July 26, 04:53:43 – July 26, 13:30:33
Systematizing Video Logs with AI Assistance


If I can turn a single recorded video into something valuable, then that will be the solution. I have been trying to get used to recording and livestreaming myself over the years in order to get better at talking on the spot in regard to any matter; however, while recording a video yesterday, I decided that it would be best that I focus on my autobiography-journal, because that will be the source of all my insights. I was also reminded of the fact that I have recorded myself playing music many times and have published over 200 songs in the form of Youtube videos. However, I have yet to feel comfortable and stable with recording a video log (vlog), livestreaming, and recording myself making up a song on the spot. If I can make a vlog that I recorded valuable, that will fix the issues related with integrating videos into my textual infrastructure. The goal is intentional video recording rather than recording for the sake of using an alternative form of communication merely. This is going to be challenging, as my videos for a long time has been sponteneous, but if I can ensure that my videos are done with the intention of being systematized and integrated into a writing-centric infrastructure, then that will require more than just someone grabbing their phone and recording a video on the spot without thinking about it and just being spontaneous and casual about it. 

If my vlogs are strong enough that they can be turned into video essays, then I have succeeded. This will likely mean writing a script or an outline or something like that. The goal is that any video that I make serves as a structured way to communicate a particular context. IT does not have to be popular, as long as it is accessible to most people. This means that I would have to rely much on my autobiography-journal for the context, whether I derive from the autobiography-journal or I write it there firstly before making the video, and then adapt the information into video format. Simply, everything that will be said in the video needs to be written firstly in the autobiography-journal, but when it is said in the video, the goal is that there is value beyond a mere script and that the way that I talk about is more than just what is written down in the script. It is a balance between making sure that everything is written down in the autobiography-journal and wanting the video to carry value on its own beyond what was written down prior to it.

Okay, so in order to make my video recording more integrated, I used an auto-caption, and it captured what I said effectively and consistently with minimal errors. Moreover, I used an AI to summarize what I said based on the description. The video was uploaded with the subtitles and the summary in the description. This should make it easier for me to understand textually how a video can be understood in its own context. Using AI for the summary could be considered problematic, but this prevents me from adding unnecessary additions if I was the one summarizing it. AI focuses only on what the transcript contains. This makes it easier to consume the video as it is without its broader context while being still textually adherent to the writing-centric infrastructure.

Okay, so I'm going to have two approaches. One will utilize the new AI text-to-speech, which will utilize text to highlight key ideas every 5 or so seconds possibly with images and videos as well. This will be when I want to make a video that focuses on a formal approach to content. The second approach will involve me recording myself through video, placing the video in my video editor, using the AI "Tidy and Trim" to remove pauses, and using the AI service "Auto-captions". Both approaches will have transcripts, summaries in their descriptions, and AI-generated titles and thumbnails that fit the content best. The former approach is less personal; however, it is more efficient and engaging because in contrast with the latter approach, it has dynamic visuals. The latter approach only has the recording of myself talking with captions.

I've been listening to both approaches for a while now, and I realize that natural delivery is much easier to listen to, because it flows better. However, it would be nice if the video was a lot more organized and structured with text headers and visuals (images and videos) to make it feel much more standard and professional.

Based on what I've found from videos I've watched in comparison to the videos I've tried from the aforesaid two approaches, it does help to have grounded footage of the narrator having an actual face being in an actual real-life place and room; however, when transitioning between topics or when highlighting or emphasizing key ideas, having visuals (videos or images with text headers) does help. Text-to-speech is very boring; however, it is good to make sure that the voice sounds just as high-quality as the text-to-speech. This means using good microphones. The person in the video does not actually have to be moving; however, the story needs to give a sense of movement, progression of ideas, or chronology in visual format. It needs to be obvious and strong; in the case of storytelling content, that is easy. But in the case of video essays, this requires much more intentionality and an understanding of how people gravitate toward stories that they might offer an analogous experience.

The narrator cannot be too grounded lest he does not feel authoritative anymore, but he cannot be too "overview" such that it feels like a boring powerpoint with information straight from Wikipedia. 

Damn, the issue is that this can go on and on to the point that I spend more time making videos than writing and learning. I am not saying video-editing is a waste of time, but at this point, I think I'll just take the aforesaid latter approach that uses natural delivery. Most of the work will be in making sure it has captions through the Auto-captions, a summary in the description, a fitting title, and an engaging thumbnail. The video itself will be raw, so it will not lighting or the post-production color grading that would make it pop. However, this is much more easier to accomplish and more sustainable and actionable in the long term in my situation, as growing through the effort of making everything look perfect is not my goal anymore. I will wait until AI has the tools to do the color grading for me and the added visuals for emphasize and when transitioning through topics. AI can already trim the video if need be and do the captions, so it can one day do color grading and edit the video for me too. I am already happy with the fact that AI can now trim the video for pauses, so I don't have to go through the effort. But in the future, my videos will hopefully look good enough that they will look edited enough to be both grounded and have a sense of authoritativeness with a mix of grounded footage and authoritative visuals and text headers. In any case, this is all I need.

Even now, the attempts by Google and Microsoft to do the visuals and color grading are insufficient, and I hope that one day, they will fast and capable the same way that text-to-speech is now. It was only several years ago that text-to-speech was very bad, and I am hoping that the same evolution occurs with video and film editing.

The good thing about the approach that I'm taking is that I created it for me. I do want it to be seen by others, but if the quality of video needed requires that I engage in video editing beyond my means and goals, then it is okay that the videos are limited to myself. I have long wanted to do this; however, I have only recently been growing accustomed to my autobiography-journal and reaching new heights in its development, which has made my video logs much more purposeful and coherent. With the tools that I have now today, I feel that I will be able to make videos with much ease and confidence, knowing that they're transcribed, given a summary, given a title, and possibly given a thumbnail as well, all with AI. This makes it so that my videos are not stuck in their own island, and one can expect to find their content translatable immediately to text because of the amount of textual infrastructure upon which it is founded.


July 26, 05:38:27
Surreal Fragment: Letter Man in Cow Leather


Dogs eat meat in sunshine throes, where voices go, no one knows. Letter man dances at the tippy top donning a dangling little dead cow used as leather for his prim and proper clothes. 


July 26, 05:43:08 – July 26, 12:13:03
Draft Script: Video Creation as Communication


Good morning, everyone. I'm not using a voice, but I am using text to speech, which is understandably quite a nuisance. However, I do believe that this is essential, at least for the purposes involved, the goals, and the objectives which I've outlined in my autobiography-journal—well—informally. But you get the point. This is a good start, a new beginning, and a place for everyone to say, "Okay, let's go!" At least that's the reaction I'm gunning for. I hope this gets along well, and I don't want to extend this intro too much, so I'm going to start right now.

Hello, it's me, Yokseekan. It's been a while. Honestly, I haven't been the most active person in the world, and I wish... that I was the most active person in the world. But... I am! It's just that I am active in my own time, and I spent all of my time doing things that contribute to future videos. So when I write in my autobiography-journal, and I write around 8,600 words everyday on average, that contributes to my understanding and to my ability to communicate. Now, that sounds a little complicated, but I hope you bear with me. I don't want this to sound overbearing, but I think this is the style that I want moving forward. If the style differs in future videos, then that's just the natural evolution. In any case, this is a talk that is meta about the entire approach of video-creation and how it serves as a form of communication; in contrast and in comparison with writing as a form of communication.

Anyway, since I want this video to be at least 30 minutes, let me go into depth with regard to how I operate on a day-to-day basic. Now, my life is pretty complicated, and there are many ways of explaining how I do anything, given that everybody is a paradigm in their own set, a talk in their own hill, or a dog in their own park. This is too much to bear I imagine, to imagine anything so complicated so as to undermine completely anything and anyone in their path to a more sustainable epistemic reality (framework). How a person demands his own sense of self in relation to everything around him is also an important concern of mine. Now that may not sound like a lot, or may sound too much or a mouthful. I hope it is clear that tackling anything relating to myself and to how I generate anything of value is something that has to answer to all these points and questions.

So, let me begin by dissecting a particular idea, that of how videos and their differing strategies have impacted me. I notice that some videos, particularly cinematic videos, operate on levels and scopes that require varying levels of commitment (time, space, support, effort, community, ecosystem) and resources. How a person or group manages all of this informs their methodologies, which create a particular result with its accompanying fructified intended or unintended consequences.

Now that may seem off topic, but this is the same for how I might translate project resources into this idea of video-creation, this personalized concept of adapting written content into video in a way that satisfies the essentials of its original composition, but the emergent elements that interact between the written content and the visual scene also.

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July 26, 11:17:26
AI Video Processing vs. Raw Recording Content


Okay, I have not only used AI to write a summary and generate captions and a transcript, but I've also used AI to give an accurate and appealing title and image thumbnail. 

However, even if the title, thumbnail, description, and transcript are all perfect in helping me start using videos as a way to self-document, the video itself is only a continuous recording. Even if I can capable of speaking, I have yet to 


July 26, 15:09:46 – July 26, 16:04:10
Reflections on New Video Approach and Future Plans


Okay, so my first two Youtube videos with my new approach are meta, as they talk about video-creation and AI. However, I can talk about so many other things, and I have an autobiography-journal, from which I can derive topics and look into it for insights into how I might record a video without a script and rely only on my understanding. I want one day to record a video about my favorite books with this new approach, among other things, but it might take a while given that I have created this approach only today and have recorded two meta videos as the two first two demos or examples that this approach is effective. Now, I can start talking about everything else, but my brain is still calming down, given that it is all still new to me. This is the first time in my entire life that I've ever used video recording and video publishing in this way with the foregoing approach. So I'm excited that it will house the infrastructure upon which future high-quality videos will be created. But for now, with this initial framework, I've laid the essential groundwork. This is in hopes that I am not limited to writing my autobiography-journal and can record and document via videos (video logs where I talk) as well.

In the end, my goal is to make it so that videos are a normal part of my life. This way, I can begin regular video uploads. Once this happens, this will change my life forever, and it will provide me with a way to document my life and my interests in a way that allows me to communicate to others through a highly interactive medium and give me variety in my daily life, which has been monopolized by writing in the last 59 days. I envision a time when regular uploads are a part of my life, and they do not get stuck in a singular topic. And they can all around and talk about whatver comes into my mind, as long as it engages me. However, for now, my videos will set to private, as I have yet to reach a point in my autobiography-journal and in my video-creation process where it is of traditional standard quality. It does offer a way for me to have videos be integrated into my textual infrastructure through my autobiography-journal by having it have AI-generated captions, descriptions (based on the transcript), title, and thumbnail. This is why it is useful for me and why I hope one day to transition from being useful only to me but also interactive for others also. But for now, it is limited to my textual infrastructure and my autobiography-journal.

It takes time for me to get used to talking about other topics other than my process, my methodologies, and my life rather than upon topics of interest in a focused, systematic approach that aligns with traditional standards of video essays. I am referring to talking in front of a camera in a video recording, as I have used writing to document about an increasingly diverse scope of topics and ideas. But I have yet to analyze every single media I've consumed, so it is still limited in that domain, even if I write periodically about media. The reason that I've implemented the video-creating approach now is because I am laying the groundwork for when my autobiography-journal has reached the point of encompassing a bountiful scope of media as well. By that point, I hope to be able to translate my writings immediately into video creation. The video-creation is prototypal, while the autobiography-journal is a work in progress.

Yeah, I think I'm going to go back to writing now. My brain is taking time to return to writing after the fiasco of trying to create the approach of video-creation. I need to return to writing, given that I have yet to create a database for all of my media. Once I do that and develop a lengthy analysis for each piece of media that I've consumed, that will solve a lot of problems in relation to video-creation. Even if the actual video creation process is working, if it has no foundational substance, then it is ineffective. So writing will be the infrastructure.

I do not intend to write video essays at all. I would prefer much if I wrote a written analysis of each media and then relied only on my analysis as a way to speak with my natural delivery regarding it. This way, if anyone wants to get a more in-depth analysis that carries beyond that of a short video, then they can visit my future hypothetical website for my media reviews. 

It would be great if I did every piece of media I was reviewing justice; however, since videos are limited and people's video watching attention spans are short, it is best that the video reviews are intended both to satisfy people who have already consume the piece of media and seek a summary of my analysis or those who have yet to consume it and are seeking to understand more about it through my perspective. This requires that it is a summary or overview, but I will point viewers to my in-depth analysis of the piece of media.

I do not intend to make the video structured as much as one might expect from a typical AI-generated outline. The goal for now is to develop the textual database. From this point on, any video review will be incredibly easy to do and a piece of cake. It will be a matter of choice as to how edited the video will become, given that I have already established an approach for video-creation that works for me and could potentially be refined to work for a general audience.

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July 26, 16:11:01
Clarification: Late 20th Century


I said late 20th century, so this would be the 80s and 90s likely.


July 26, 16:34:40
Idea: Timestamping Livestream Highlights


I've had this idea for a while now, but while livestreaming hardcore Minecraft on Twitch, I was thinking that as soon as the video starts, every time I press a particular key, it marks the particular time in a notepad. I will press this key through AutoHotkey, and based on what I've seen, it should allow me to send a timestamp to a notepad. So whenever I stop talking, I will press this key, and right before I start talking, I will press this key. This will set markers that I will later in editing in order to make sure that the video shows only the highlights of the video. This way, it will cover only the times that I talk; however, I don't necessarily have to do this. I can use Davinci Resolve and see the volume of the audio anyway.


July 26, 16:50:45 – July 26, 19:21:37
Analyzing the Potential of a Twitch Viewer SMP YouTube Channel


I was wondering whether it was possible to have concentrated experiences in Twitch livestreams about playing in a Minecraft Viewer SMP (Survival Multiplayer) alongside viewers that can be turned into Youtube videos. I realize now that people tend to watch videos that are created from footage intended already for that video alone, as highlights alone do not satisfy most people, given that they are contingent upon context. And if the content centers around the events in a Minecraft Viewer SMP, then that context is too specific for most people to feel drawn. In cases like League of Legends esports, they are popular and have many co-streamers and even the main official broadcast for particular tournament series like "LOL Champions Korea". This makes it easy to get sucked in, because they is already a wealth of content available with new content being published faster than anyone can watch. This is why in one example, there was this large Minecraft event intended to simulate a civilization, and it had a maximum of 1,000 players. This was able to generate its own temporary ecosystem consisting of about ten videos from people who played the server, but given that it did not have continuous content from the server, it died down soon enough, as the server was only temporary. Moreover, it did not have the same ecosystem effect of League of Legends esports in that there are millions of people playing, given that most the video only got around 26 million views as of writing since May 28, 2023. This video was published by the Youtube channel "ish", so if they continued uploading every week and generating 624 million views monthly, then it could have generated its own ecosystem of Youtube content creator journalists.

Returning to the main topic, since my Twitch Viewer SMP (TVSMP) does not have the privileges of the foregoing Minecraft civilization server event and League of Legends esports, the videos that get tons of views will likely not be highlight videos from my TVSMP, but videos created out of footage shot with the sole intention of creating the video.

If I was writing a story, highlighting individual players is only as powerful insofar as they are recorded as if they are fiction characters. So documenting the events of the server from a story-telling perspective would help make the server feel much more involved; however, the active management of the server and lore-building means that it will likely either need active a large team of people actively doing both or much preparation before the event.

To explain this in simpler terms, let's say that I create a weekly or monthly recap of the TVSMP; now this falls in line with the players' hopes for a more active, clearer, coherent, and stable sense of community, one that is clearly delineated with regular updates. But more than that, the quality of the recaps matter as well, as they are reliant upon a wealth of context, because newer players, older but casual players, and watchers will expect a wellspring of context supplied by that of a database. This means that my writing skills as one who has spent much time developing my private autobiography-journal will come into play here. In short, the recaps are only as good insofar as they are cognized as the cherry on top of a vast and rich land of context rather than its fulfilling mainspring. Recaps are like videos one creates about their life in contrast with their highly precise, comprehensive, structured, organized, and systematic autobiography-journal, which receives a continuous supply of 524,004 words every 60 days (or 8,733 words per day) and whereupon all brief and summarizing instances of communication are identified properly as humble adaptations.

When it comes to behind the scenes, this should be developed as a mainspring of any "epidermal layer" shown to viewers, as this goes hand-in-hand with the meta-analyses I conduct in regard to my writing, my methodologies of self-documentation, data collection, and incorporation of multimedia. One has to have developed an infrastructure for an SMP before committing to the architecture of a TVSMP. This should be considered from numerous angles, considering the virtual world also, digital communications, language in terms of gaming terms, slang, formal language, and "standard" language, and epistemic approaches to ideas, logos, symbols, writing, speaking, and body language in terms of the cyberspace as an extension of the real world, among others. This is only a peek into the various connections and 'disconnections' (deconstructions) that one can introduce and provide stable place within the architecture of a Viewer SMP.

The profiles of Minecraft players in the TVSMP have first to be recognized as individual actors within epistemology, politics, ideology, sociology, psychology, and literary criticism, among other facets of analysis. However, the goal is to keep open an eclectic and pluralist approach to any player; as for how this looks like practically, it will still be what it is. But the goal here is to ensure that I have addressed as much as possible in my own private framework for each of the players to ensure that I can best maximize their appeal, function, and their place as emergent archetypes within the community.

Having "Let's Plays" featuring viewers will require highly intentional incentive structures that lead to socially emergent projects, events, and challenges.

When it comes to creative challenges with prizes, I will have to develop a framework for challenge creation, and I can start with Minecraft maps. However, the options are likely to be limited, given that people are most drawn to things that do not rely too much thinking or study. 

Lore videos can be tackled from many approaches, and it goes back to what I said about my thoughts of "behind the scenes".

When it comes to cross-promotions with other TVSMPs and partnering with content creators, I have no experience with this, so I cannot comment. However, ideally, this will become answered with my infrastructure.

I have considered Youtube Shorts and Live Streams on Youtube; however, given that I have yet to reach a point of development of my autobiography-journal that satisfies the conditions necessary to create regular published Youtube long-form videos, Youtube Shorts are a step far. When it comes to livestreams on Youtube, my experience here is limited, and I have yet to write down much about this.

Moving on to answering specifics, let's start with highlight reels showing the most significant moments, funny interactions, player achievements, and community building events. This is tricky to achieve, as making levels and progression inside of the TVSMP feel valuable will require much systematicness and intentionality. For example, I notice that when it comes to teams in League of Legends esports, when there is no consistent ranking or power level of teams, then it makes the stakes vague and hard to understand, requiring an analyst's perspective to give light into the games of these teams. This reduces its generalizability and overall power as a level, measure of progression, or currency. 

When it comes to sharing peeks into the planning, decision-making, and overall development, this will require a metastructure stemming from the TVSMP infrastructure.

In regard to individual players, their stories, their contributions to the SMP, and their unique playstyles. I believe that they should not be rewarded in a way that highlights them too much, as this can incentivize those who focus on the shortest path to metrics. The goal is for them to honored and respected in a more permanent way, such as through a written novel based upon their journeys rather than something publicly separated in a capacity that extends only to those currently within the server, but which will be lost in contest with the metastructure and an infrastructure dedicated to adapting the TVSMP infrastructure into novel form. However, it goes beyond a mere "novel", as this goes into much depth, as stated previously.

When it comes to viewer projects within the TVSMP, I can image different forms of project creation. For one, early 2010s Roblox had a particular layout, culture, policies, and community, and during that time, creating projects in the form of groups, places (now called "Instances", which are basically Roblox games created using the Roblox Studio game engine), t-shirts, badges, decals, and models, among other projects or items. Since I have a strong memory of this time of Roblox, I can derive from this infrastructure.

Events can be viewed the same way as water bottles sold at a marathon. They are quick-consume items that should be used as a way to regulate the "emotions" of a community and help them release "pent-up stress" in dynamic unison. Events can be identified after the fact, or they can be prepared beforehand, and a framework should be in place to handle both cases. One also needs to take into account that some notable informal interactions should not be made systematic, because it might take away from them; however, this is not always the case.

A 2-million-word novel would be a good foundation of a TVSMP, not in providing a detached narrative merely, but when synthesized with analyses and the TVSMP infrastructure, it can serve as a staple or currency.


July 26, 19:33:27 – July 26, 19:53:02
Challenges in Analyzing Cyberspace: Towards a Digital Epistemology


Talking about anything digital is harder than I thought. I've written much about real-life and my infrastructure of my autobiography-journal; however, I notice that my writings on digital media and with regard to digital communities takes patience and time. This can be said for real-life communuties and real-life social interactions; however, analyzing cyberspace elements take a different approach.

It is not that I lack digital experience; however, analyzing cyberspace elements can go in so many ways that trying to approach it as one would approach the narrative vivid description of a building would be insufficient to covering it entirely when desiring a precise and comprehensive documentation.

It is not that I cannot describe the cyberspace as one of networks, functions, and modules, given that I have much experience coding and website development. However, it is more than much of the neologisms around the digital world, and it can be challenging to analyze everything in detail without delving into creating my own neologisms and my theoretical frameworks.

I am focusing on my experience with studying academic texts and trying to understand traditional science before the digital world became a standard essential part of our world. This way, I can found my cyberspace-oriented neologisms and theoretical frameworks upon the history of traditional science.

"Digital epistemology" is a succinct term to describe the process of developing the nature of knowledge in the digital realm and why it is challenging to analyze cyberspace elements in comparison to real-life communities, interactions, and events. 

For example, I notice that much of the groundwork with regard to getting used to writing also had to do primarily with growing accustomed to the cyberspace. This is why going into depth and attempting to develop a framework with regard to highly specific digital communities and experiences is challenging, because the amount of essentials required to getting used to the cyberspace from a relativefly surface-level is already very challenging and time-sinking. It took patience and time to write about a Minecraft Twitch Viewer SMP (Survival Multiplayer) server, given that it is like writing about a very specific disease without developing a robust and powerful medical infrastructure composed of theories, frameworks, policies, ideas, symptoms, and common elements. I have spent much tackling the autobiography-journal as a digital wellspring, given that it is a digital project firstly. However, it has extended to become the home-base upon which all things, including real-life and digital experiences, are synthesized. So I did not write about the Minecraft Twitch Viewer SMP server (TVSMP) without preparation; however, it goes to show that even with my autobiography-journal, I have yet to establish a proper dedicated unitary infrastucture with respect to digital epistemology as a whole, rather than disconnected external-entity explorations of digital experiences that have yet to be combined.

To clarify, the autobiography-journal is a broader unit, and the proposed 'digital epistemology' is a subset of it. In more speciifc terms, my autobiography-journal pertains to everything, basically serving as my personalized epistemology; in contrast, digital epistemology desires to be established firstly as a proper division of the whole of the autobiography-journal.

The pursuit of developing an epistemic framework for the digital world can start with experience with websites through my experience with web development. This is how we interpret information, and the layout and particular functions, stylistic choices, and optimizations affect how the reader responds and is informed and influened, even by unintentional emergent effects.

It is the literal architecture upon which social interactions are informed; however, rather than beginning with architecture, we can consider the "geological" elements, beginning with the most basic elements.

[REDACTED]


July 26, 20:32:00
Queries: Unionizing and Salary Transparency


Would unionizing involve scrutinizing how much people are paid individually and assessing fairness of wages?

Is it llegal to share information about each other's salary? Or it a practice that the privileged discourage?


July 26, 20:42:21
Query: Male Life Expectancy and Class


I was wondering. Why do men have lower life expectancies, especially in the lower classes? Can one say that the treatment of women has been bad in social classes? Or has it been bad in non-lower classes only, given that the life expectancy seems to skew by about 6 years toward woman in length?


July 26, 21:08:08
Critique of Meritocracy


There is no such thing as a meritocracy. There are only those who have voices (recognized) and those who don't. There's also those who sert the metrics and those who do not. There are only those whom the metrics benefit and those those whom the metrics do not benefit. The world is too complex to think we have grasped objectivity in the form of merit and metrics.


July 26, 21:32:31 – July 26, 21:40:56
Challenges and Patience for Writing a VRMMORPG Novel


Why can't I do it? It's not that I cannot do it, but there is a clear reason why it is challenging for me to write a novel about a VRMMORPG (Virtual reality massively multiplayer online role-playing game) wherein my family members are characters. I can use our older usernames in the early years of League of Legends: trinity, MadClown, Coupon (TheHero22), Haunter22 (BerserkerKing), and Pinoydad, among many others.

I think the reason why I have not done it is because everything is still new to me. Even if I have read VRMMORPG stories already, I started reading them only around 2019 or 2020, which may be 5 or 4 years ago; however, I only started writing my autobiography-journal in July 4, 2023. It is not that I have not been writing my first passages around 2014 and 2015 and became more consistent since 2019; however, it was only recently this year that I wrote my first 200,000-word story. Now that does not seem like a lot, but it took 5 years for me to reach this point.

Writing a VRMMORPG requires more than just a whim. I would have to translate all my own personal virtual experiences into narrative form and developing one's capacity to write these kinds of stories takes time and patience; moreover, if I'm going to write down from personal memories, then that might stimulate memories in me, which can take patience to process.

I have yet to write stories in all kinds of genres and sub-genres and reach 200,000 words in each, so I am arguing against the notion that I am willingly deciding against writing VRMMORPG merely.

I have already written numerous fantasy stories, particularly in regard to LitRPG progression fantasy action stories; however, that does not mean I've explored every kind of scene, fantasy story, character, plot, and scenario, among many others, to the point of reaching 200,000 words in many individual stories that studies each potential element. I have written numerous stories, but I have yet to expand so much that I can write any kind of story, including VRMMORPG. These stories will require a person that is not only good at writing, but good at writing these particular novels. In addition, writing fiction novels takes from my past personal experiences, which is an emotional challenge.

It is okay that I am focusing on my autobiography-journal, given that I have yet to go into depth when it comes to a lot of aspects of my life, even if I have already written around 1 million words. My writing speed has also increased drastically because it is no longer a question of "What to write down?" but "How can I delineate this precisely?" The autobiography-journal was the mainspring of this development. In the last 60 days alone, I have written 526,666 words, averaging about 8,778 written words everyday.

The autobiography-journal, given that it "never ends", will give me so much motivation and will develop me in all kinds of subjects, ideas, and elements, growing and expanding my writing skills. One year from now, if my autobiography-journal is continued, my writing skills will soon be able to compass all kinds of novels with much greater ease. That is why I mentioned that it is okay if I put off ideas like the VRMMORPG novel because it is not as if the autobiography-journal is a waste of time.

[REDACTED]


July 27, 05:52:24 – July 27, 05:58:15
The Impact of High Writing Volume and AI on Perspective


I think the reason my perspective has changed so much is because specifically of what I mentioned earlier: "...averaging about 8,778 written words everyday." This is not something that has been possible for so long, and it is not just a matter of word count, as all of that is being spent on non-fiction writing in my autobiography-journal. One can only imagine how my mind operated before this. It is not that I was not writing in the autobiography-journal before, but the context has changed so much that my brain forgot how limited I was back then. The recent AI language model "Gemini 1.5 Flash" has changed everything about the way that I write in my autobiography-journal especially, and it has changed the way that I see writing. It is comparable to a beta reader that can listen to you talk for hours and respond to you with regard to anything you say. The high token count is the mainspring of this development; however, I did not start using it primarily until July 6, 2024. However, that is not to say that Gemini 1.5 Flash, as I was already writing so much before that. But the approach that I take when writing has changed drastically, and it has been 21 days or 3 weeks since then. The fact that it has been so long, yet my brain has not realized it demonstrates what a massive shift that was.


July 27, 06:04:14 – July 27, 06:08:18
Finding Satisfying Writing Labor: Considering "unOrdinary"


I've had time to rejuvenate and take my time; however, this is not going to be easy whatsoever. I love sleeping though, and I love having a perfect average of 8 hours of sleep. But yeah, I am thinking hard right now and trying to find a new angle of attack when it comes to my documentation. It is not that I lack options, given that there are so many details and pieces of media that I have yet to write down about. However, it is more so thinking about which is most appealing to me right now in the sense that which one is difficult enough to be satisfying to document but not too difficult that it discourages me. I love the feeling of ease that comes with doing satisfying writing labor. I believe this is how I operate everyday ever since I've began allocating more time into writing everyday and began truly shining with my recent 8,778 words per day.

For example, I can try writing about this one Webtoon web comic called "unOrdinary", and I remember that by the time that I read it, my brain was already accustomed to its various themes. However, since it was a web comic, it felt much different in medium compared to the physical Western comics, the visual novels, web novels, and films, among other pieces of media. unOrdinary was about high schoolers with superpowers, and looking back at it, it honestly was not that long to read. Its plot was not that complex because of the medium. It did not have the same complexity one might find in a 1.6-million-word story, and even 1.6-million-word stories are arguably still pretty short, at least in my perspective of reading books that are over a million words in count.

I would say that when I read it, it was not that crazy, and I did not think it was. I was not impressed. But it was not because it was bad, but because I knew the rules already. And that was probably what it was geared toward. It was geared toward people who already knew the roles of superpowers and high school interactions,.

Moreover, there is a chance that this inspired me partially to write the books I wrote in 2023. However, that is a stretch, given that it was likely my own tendencies mixed with the LitRPG progression fantasy Gary Stu action stories that I read that was the mainspring of my recent novels in 2023 and 2024.

It is weird. I remember the story; however, it is one of those stories that I cannot seem to feel okay with defining. My initial reaction based on recollection is that of "It is not that crazy." However, the context in which I read it was different at the time.


July 27, 09:28:29
The Paradoxical Benefit of Consuming "Useless" Media


It feels so good to lie down and consume useless media, because for some reason, after doing it, it makes writing and reading academic texts so much more enjoyable. It is weird that I want to lessen the time that I spent consuming useless media, but when I do actually break my "fast" and consume useless media, even if it takes a lot of my time, it does feel relaxing to write once it's over. It feels so magical and easy, and it is not as if the media I consume are particularly relieving. In fact, I feel relieved when I'm finally done and at my computer desk and writing with ambient music mixed with rain sounds. For some reason, I tend to consume "useless" media when my brain and body needs to lie down and rest, but it is not necessarily because it is enjoyable. So after a while, once I've taken my rest, I feel much better, and writing feels exciting rather than routine.


July 27, 09:31:37 – July 27, 09:33:15
Contentment with a Relaxing, Productive Lifestyle


I can sit down at home and enjoy Youtube videos that feature ambient music from the 2011 game "The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim" mixed with rain and thunderstorm sounds along with video landscape scenes from Skyrim. It is awesome that I can sit down and do all of this and write as well. This is heavenly and relaxing, and it is nice to be free from the stresses of the world in order to immerse myself in Skyrim ambient music, rain and thunderstorm sounds, Skyrim landscape scenes, writing, and studying academic texts.

It is easy to forget sometimes just how easy, carefree, and relaxing things can get if given the opportunity; still, I must remember to continue developing my autobiography-journal so that I can address all areas of my life. It will take a while, but these moments of respite are worth having, because they inspire my mind.

[REDACTED]


July 27, 09:48:58 – July 27, 11:26:28
Why Fiction Writing Still Feels Challenging: Growth Mindset and a New Worldview


Is it supposed to be challenging and painstaking? It is not that things are not easier than they were several years ago, as I have improved much in writing. But despite the fact that I have reached an average 8,778 written words everyday, part of me gets the feeling that I am still intentional with everything that I do to the point that I can tell that whenever I think about writing a story, it will not happen intuitively. It will happen with intention, purposeness, and patience.

It is not that I do not write and that I overthink necessarily. To explain the context, when I said I was averaging 8,778 written words everyday, that was for my autobiography-journal, which consists mostly of non-fiction content. Now, many might said that it is more challenging because that would mean knowing a lot, but for me, I have very vast, rich, and strong memories of my past. In any case, when I said that it was challenging and painstaking, it is not that I have grown or anything or that it refers to writing in general per se, given that I have grown so much in non-fiction writing recently. However, it is more than when I think about writing a particular story, my brain sees immediately the challenge involved in doing so. It is not that I have not written stories either, as I have been writing fiction stories since 2019 and even since 2015 if you include my childhood years. Specifically, I broke 200,000 words in a single novel at the end of April of this year in 2024, so it is not that I cannot write. But I see still that my brain has yet to feel totally at ease that I don't find myself saying "Is it supposed to challenging and painstaking?"

Like I said, I have written fiction stories already, but it is just that I notice that after all this time, it is like my brain can tell still that it is challenging and painstaking. It might be because my viewpoint of writing has shifted much. Maybe it is high expectations or changing preferences and demands for proposed novels. It is not that I cannot write fiction, because as mentioned previously, I have written a 200,000-word novel before, and because I have also been writing fiction passages periodically in my journal, with one recently reaching 7,263 words. I was also proud of this 7,263-word novel, finding that it is perfect not just by itself but in the context of my broader autobiography-journal journey.

Is it supposed to be challenging and painstaking? It is not that things are not easier than they were several years ago, as I have improved much in writing. But despite the fact that I have reached an average 8,778 written words everyday, part of me gets the feeling that I am still intentional with everything that I do to the point that I can tell that whenever I think about writing a story, it will not happen intuitively. It will happen with intention, purposeness, and patience.

It is not that I do not write and that I overthink necessarily. To explain the context, when I said I was averaging 8,778 written words everyday, that was for my autobiography-journal, which consists mostly of non-fiction content. Now, many might said that it is more challenging because that would mean knowing a lot, but for me, I have very vast, rich, and strong memories of my past. In any case, when I said that it was challenging and painstaking, it is not that I have grown or anything or that it refers to writing in general per se, given that I have grown so much in non-fiction writing recently. However, it is more than when I think about writing a particular story, my brain sees immediately the challenge involved in doing so. It is not that I have not written stories either, as I have been writing fiction stories since 2019 and even since 2015 if you include my childhood years. Specifically, I broke 200,000 words in a single novel at the end of April of this year in 2024, so it is not that I cannot write. But I see still that my brain has yet to feel totally at ease that I don't find myself saying "Is it supposed to challenging and painstaking?"

Like I said, I have written fiction stories already, but it is just that I notice that after all this time, it is like my brain can tell still that it is challenging and painstaking. It might be because my viewpoint of writing has shifted much. Maybe it is high expectations or changing preferences and demands for proposed novels. It is not that I cannot write fiction, because as mentioned previously, I have written a 200,000-word novel before, and because I have also been writing fiction passages periodically in my journal, with one recently reaching 7,263 words. I was also proud of this 7,263-word novel, finding that it is perfect not just by itself but in the context of my broader autobiography-journal journey.

I think it's because I want writing to be challenging, even if I know I can write a fantasy story easily. I want it to be valuable for me as a learning process. I care about more about growth rather than the simple result of a done deal.

I think that is why I say "is it supposed to be challenging and painstaking" because unconsciously, I want it to be. I want to be challenged and to grow, even if I have already proved myself

I feel like there is a misunderstanding here. I don't care about writing "the greatest fantasy novel" ever. That is an assumption because that is a typical concern to have. Based on what I've already said, one can identify clearly that I view writing as something that has to be hard in order for me to grow. It is not perfectionism, insecurity, or self-destruction. It is growth.

I already see many of my novels as "perfect" in their time and style. I think the reason why I posed the question "Is it supposed to be challenging and painstaking?" is that I wish to be appreciate them to their fullest. So the autobiography-journal might be the source of this desire to be more in one with this concept of novel-writing not merely as text, but as ways to go into depth beyond the epidermis. I feel that these words are not saying what I mean. But it is a new relationship with proposed fiction novels that come up in my head. 

Recently, I have listened much to three different types of landscape scenery Youtube videos featuring ambient music: Skyrim ones, Minecraft ones, and the more dystopian-sounding ones of the Youtube channel "Cryo Chamber".

Each has shown me vastly different worlds, and there is a desire to marry them all together.

I think it is beautiful things like these that have made me think hard about what writing a fiction novel is supposed to be and is supposed to be for me.

It is not that just these beautiful things, but with the help of my autobiography-journal, I am remembering many memories, feelings, and immersive vibes (sensations, feelings, ideas, concepts, environments, moods, and a sense of place) throughout my past. I remember the numerous imaginations that I had, among many others.

All of it makes me pause and think.

I think all of this is why my fiction writing is facing a whole new viewpoint of the world. This is the entirety of my life, my imaginations, and vast worlds (Skyrim, Minecraft, and dystopian sound concepts) being conglomerated.

Fiction writing is being set against an entirely new "world" dynamic, so it is taking its time to process through papers and documents and invite new ideas and approaches of tackling this new dynamic.

It is weird... because I can clearly go ahead and write the story, but based on my explanation, it makes sense that I have yet to feel that it is not challenging and painstaking because my fiction writing side is in the process of tackling my viewpoint of the world. This means that fiction writing is taking the backseat in the meantime, while I spent most of my writing effort into the autobiography-journal as a way to address directly the conglomeratic beautiful things.

I can recite many important details from almost each year of my life, which is great. This demonstrates that my autobiography-journal, data collection, and writing has borne fruit.

However, I do wish that I could get over the autobiography-journal already and move on to fiction writing, but I should not put the cart before the horse. If I myself feel that there is so much yet to tackle when it comes to my newfound worldview, then if I make myself write now, it will come across as disjointed, which is not necessarily bad, as writing in a time of change can produce great works as well. But if I intend to write with a clearer direction in light of my new world view, then it is better that I take the time to process and tackle it gently without the brazenness that writing a fiction story tends to embody.

It is like not knowing how to write and trying to write down these grand ideas that I have. Until I've found the words for every single thing within this grand scope, then there is no reason why I should be forcing these grand ideas out before their time. Sometimes, it is best to have my entire worldview make sense through processing before trying to make sense of a fictional world with its own world-views (perspectives and sceneries).

This is why it can take patience to write down and tackle the empirical details of my life one by one in comparison to the grand narratives and symbolism that fiction writing offers easily. Tackling these details allows me to create these grand narratives with greater clarity and fullness. It is like reading the entire 700-page academic text instead of reading a summary of it.

Without a true understanding, all my fiction stories (distillations) are based on mere appearance, which is unsustainable because the mere likeness to a surgeon does not make one a surgeon.


July 27, 10:26:23
Query: Quinoa, Health Benefits, and Correlation vs. Causation


Is quinoa linked to health benefits? Or are the majority of the people who eat them wealthy and have the healthcare they need?


July 27, 11:38:02 – July 27, 12:01:09
Writing as Meditation: Flow States and Processing Life


I rarely close my eyes to meditate unless I need to lie down or I'm a little sleepy. Every once in a while, when I have no answers, I meditate while listening to ambient music. But this is very rare and very short,  but it does indicate a very specific period occurrence used to tackle a problem that comes up notably rarely.

Whenever I do the foregoing meditations, I do not open my eyes. I keep them closed.

For the most part, my non-traditional meditation, which is distinct from the aforementioned one, is writing all day everyday, as it allows me to delve into whatever comes into mind and to write it down as a way to externalize everything and help me relax.

Since I grew up in church, the act of closing one's eyes for long periods of time has been ingrained into me, and it has been the case for my most of my life. Moreover, when I closed my eyes, there were times that I would pray and other times that I would let everything pass me mindfully such that time passes quickly. However, there is an exception with regard to praying, as there have been times that I have spoken in tongues while closing my eyes, and that is similar to mindfulness, given that the speaking in tongues is a lull. I have at many times been able to close my eyes and do nothing for hours while lying down, sitting down, or on my knees. These are my spiritual experiences which are related to meditation.

This is why now, recently, at home, as I have been staying in my room all day, I have moments either of focused closed-eye meditation and flow writing, which allow me to digest everything that I am, that I do, and that I will be with readiness and with direction and addressal.

I have written a fiction story once that embodied the flow writing state of meditation. It was called "What Do I Want", and I wrote it in a dark room with my mother's laptop at the time. I would just bask in this immersive experience, and I would feel so much at ease, because it was where I explored my deepest thoughts and desires in a highly therapetic way. However, recently, this idea of the flow-state meditative fiction story has expanded beyond fiction and has become a regularized experience part of my everyday life in the development of my autobiography-journal. It is more than just a flow-state, as it is a way of life.

The fact that my writing takes up 40% of the time that I spent on the computer indicates that it is a way of life now, and for context, I spent my whole day at the computer desk in my room all day everyday at home. Meditativeness, introspection, ambient music, and the autobiography-journal are four elements of my current lifestyle.

My worldview has changed so much, especially in the last 60 days, given that I became much more focused on writing during these past two months since May 28. May 28 was about a month after I stopped serializing my fiction novels at the end of April.

Fiction writing has taken the backseat, as I sort out my new worldview with my autobiography-journal, which began in July 4, 2023.

I have written 530,442 words in about 61 days since May 28.

And the best part is that most of the word count was dedicated to a non-fiction approach to my life, experiences, ideas, and world, so it addresses so many details and concerns directly.

I want to share my autobiography-journal with others; however, in the meantime, I think I will focus on continuing this dive into my life, as the autobiography-journal encompasses everything as much as possible. I have collected so much empirical data that have facilitated my recollection and writing process, so that is why I do not merely say "writing," as it is my autobiography-journal and everything that it encompasses first and foremost.

The autobiography-journal has led me to a newfound realization of how much ignorance one needs to do the same repetitive actions again and again. Some people are fine with repetitive activities; however, it depends on their approach and how those activities impact them. The autobiography-journal is an infinite wellspring of growth for me and is the mainspring for my transition away from fiction writing in the meantime. However, as mentioned many times in previous journal entries, I write fiction passages still periodically and in brief bursts.


July 27, 12:14:44 – July 27, 13:06:30
Mental Flexibility and Grounding Through Detailed Observation


I have tried many times to think about my entire life, there it feels like everything that is in my head is gone. It is weird that I can do this. One second I am part of this journey with over 1 million words written about my life. The next second, I'm sitting down here like I was born yesterday. It is weird how the mind works and comprehends things. It is not that the reality has changed, but the way that my mind processes information can be so blindsided and tunnel-visioned that it experiences this sudden "breaks of reality", not that being able to focus in and out of things is a bad thing.

It is weird. One second, I'm sitting down on a chair thinking about all the details of the mall and the store with all the different poeple there and wondering about how we're going to get this tablet, go to the store for glasses, and talk to my parents about a book I was writing. The next second, I'm outside in the heavy rain walking for an hour and 30 minutes in the urban streets, feeling the weight of the rain, my clothes, and the sensations of being wet, along with the social character of being the only one wet in the rain without an umbrella walking down the sidewalk. The next second, I'm sitting down in my room with the air conditioner blowing against my legs and my hands on the keyboard with the colors in my peripheral viewpoint consisting of the various colors of my room and the monitor screen of my computer, with my heart calm and my mind tackling the weight of both words and the weight of entire memories.

I can immerse myself so deeply into things and switch between entirely different "worlds" and their assoicated mind-states without damaging my continuous overall consciousness. 

It makes sense that my brain is like this, given that I have been developing my autobiography-journal and that I have written over 530,984 words in the last 60 days.

It is not just with my memories and writing. It is also with any experience. I notice this capacity to identity the shifts between different worlds and their associated mind-states, and I can talk about clearly with writing, while recognizing also my current world and its associated mind-state as I sit down on this chair with my hands typing away at the keyboard with my cup, which contains cocoa powder mixed with milk and is situated between me and the keyboard. I recognize also the water container, the milk carton, the glass cup containing remnants of the multi-vitamin orange-flavored tablet that I had mixed in with cold water, the plastic cup with about 5%–10% water, the aforementioned white ceramic choco-holding cup, the razor, the 5 large books supporting my monitor, the laptop connected to the ASUS (Taiwanese computer company) monitor via an HDMI cable, my first glasses, two apple cores on two separate spots, 4 milk carton caps, a YAMAHA speakers that can be connected via Bluetooth, a blue curtain off to my left side covering the harsh sunlight of 12:26 PM afternoon, the air conditioner (aircon) that I mentioned earlier embedded below me in the wall connected to the window and the curtain, the office chair upon which I am sitting and which can be adjusted to be lowered or increased in seating height and adjusted to have the chair backrest floppy or fixed, the capo of my guitar, the lamp stand that contains three different LED bulbs, the tripod mic stand with my Shure MV7 microphone, 2 CDs of the classical music of Bach, one of my glasses containers, a pencil, a sharpener, the microfiber cloth for my glasses, the rug that had been placed below the aircon during its former leaking, the wooden computer desk or wooden table, the gray foldable table behind me, which supports 5 different books, a piano, a screwdriver, two empty plates, a djembe drum, a small green OLED(?) lamp, the rectangular cushion which was previously part of the pull-up stand, the nailcutter, the large drawing pad, a pencil, a recorder (musical instrument), an orange case with different nails, a large scissor, and a pore toner bottle, a small guitar stand supporting a guitar to my right, a 6-shelf (not including the very top) white bookshelf with numerous educational books, a 6-box brown bookshelf, which contains textbooks in the boxes and supports some textbooks on top with filled-up drawing pads, the plastic container for the musical recorder, the package for the audio interface "UM2 U-Phoria", the audio interface itself, a package of pencils, the old, broken motherboard of my primary desktop computer (not the laptop), the desktop computer that have yet to manned with the new motherboard, a fancy couch-chair, which supports a violin inside its case, a red towel, and a light-brown (yellowish) cardigan, one of my lavender-purple polyester sports shirts which is on the ground and which I use to blow my nose, my footrest, which is a small chair that my mother traditionally used for washing the clothes manually before we got the washing machine, the aforesaid pull-up stand, which supports my brother's purple, white, and pink jacket only, the fixed composite cabinet, which is embedded next to the bathroom door and the pull-up stand and has two draggable drawers at the bottom, two cabinets at the top, and the two tall cabinets making up most of it in the middle, one of which has a shelf to make two portions, my younger brother who is wearing a blue towel, lying down on the floor on a pillow below the aforementioned gray foldable table, a white towel next to him that he uses typically to pad his body underneath him since he lies down on the floor, and the cajón beatbox. This is not including the bathroom and the items inside the cabinets, shelves, and drawers and the specific details of each electronic equipment, color, brand, shape, and size measurements, but this is virtually almost everything. I neglected to mention that this does not include the bar light above me, the shelf above me that I drilled into the wall and which supports a foldable zippable black bag, a metal can for coins, three cylindrical batteries and a rectangular battery from the American battery manufacturer "Energizer", a "4-in-one" oil for helping with rusty metal joints, a cardboard container with nails, the old ineffective razor from Tito Dennis, my older half-brother's older school ID from our first school, two pencils, a plastic knob with a threaded hole in the center, which is from the pull-up stand, a binder clip, a thumb screw, which is also from the pull-up stand, and a clothespin.


July 27, 13:08:18 – July 27, 13:12:54
Mental Adaptability and Processing Change


It feels like I can engage with so much complexity, yet the thread of consciousness is streamlined and simple so as to be like a narrative from a story. I can write down every single item in my room, yet I have a simple thread of consciousness across vastly different worlds and their accompanying mind-states. The ability to task-switch between these is the foregoing idea.

I feel that because of the way that my mind works, it can transition into a whole new environment, world, mind-state, and context very quickly without question. This is to say that if fantasy monsters suddenly existed and posed a threat on our world, I would adopt this reality very quickly. I can be writing 530,000 words in 61 days one day and suddenly be off there in a whole new context with a whole new group of people around me with wholly new different responsibilities, roles, expectations, interpersonal dynamics, desires, and views.

I am still processing the entirety of my past, but my autobiography-journal with around a million words has made the idea of mental flexibility so much more explicit, actionable, and feasible.


July 27, 13:17:03
The Necessity and Value of Satire


Satire is necessary. It allows people to confront their own biases and the norms that they never truly questioned. This is something that I realized again when I watched this Youtube Shorts channel that posted regularly Shorts videos satirizing the tropes of romance YA novels by female authors.

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July 27, 14:48:47
The Value of "Lukewarm" Days for Balance and Productivity


It is weird. I can write so much better than I used to; I can read academic texts with much greater ease; and I can access art, ambient music Youtube videos, and all kinds of media that will help inspire me. Yet I don't do them all the time.

It is not that I don't do them at all, but there are times when I just let things be sober rather than inspired. It feels great to have days when you don't feel particularly inspired or crazy about anything. It is not that I don't feel inspired, but it is more that the inspiration level is generally lower. I still do put in effort, and I still clock in and get creativity and work done. However, it is that there are days when it feels like I willingly choose not to engage in inspirational art, music, and media, reading academic texts that I can read easily, and write non-stop. It is not that I am not consistent to the point of being dysfunctional, but it is more so that there are days when I tend to become sober and "lame" like a person who does nothing and lets things be "lame", sober, or lukewarm.

It is weird because these days are highly sober, "lame", or lukewarm, yet these days often are the reason why I can have those intense days where I can task-switch between numerous productive creative activities like writing, drawing, playing musical instruments, making music on the spot with singing and guitar, coding, website development, data collection, and studying of academic texts, among others. I feel that these days of lukewarm nothingness allow me to appreciate things by taking a step back and letting things become temper, moderate, serious, unhurried, subdued, showing no excessiveness or extremeness, sedate, earnest, and thoughtful.


July 27, 18:34:35 – July 27, 18:44:19
Fiction: The Individual Gunnerman's Justification


The 'individual gunnerman' wrote: "I have decided to carry a gun, not because I will kill anyone, but because in this shared context, the gun carries the context of empowerment. I shall shoot the world-enemy, directing the force of justice upon those who I have designed and constructed to be my enemies over the course of environmental, genetic, socioeconomic, psychological, and interpersonal influences. Moreover, I have engaged also in intellectual considerations as to what characterizes best the state of man just as the state as an idea or concept. Analogous to when statism bears witness to the rise of a state through nationalism, I bear witness to my rise as a state through individualism, or through my self as a separate idea that aligns with the broader concept of individualism."

Later, he shot a goblin as he would with a man, or as he would with a man he has defined otherwise in "othering" contexts, that he might perfect his perfect right as a man defined by himself in a world full of objectivisms. He relies on the pluralist identity of himself insofar as it is within the bounds of his own context.


July 27, 18:34:42 – July 27, 18:45:46
Analyzing the "Individual Gunnerman" Passage


So they impliclty justify their individual self by comparing it to the state as an idea constructed by nationalists?

So the author reveals that he has a pluralist identity, which could lead someone to believe that he believes it pluralist and eclectic ideas; however, it is then revealed to be within the bounds of his context.

Why is the author writing about this? I feel that he is validating horrible people, or is he demonstrating the intellectualization and rationalization that occurs in the minds of people like these?


July 27, 18:54:20 – July 27, 18:55:52
Valuing Nuance and Empirical Detail Over Grand Narratives


I find it interesting that the numerous ideas, themes, interactions, complexities, and nuances of stories are hidden away from people because they are not inclined to much reading. There are numerous stories that go beyond the structuralist tendencies of popular stories and attempt to dissect the unique pluralist and eclectic situations often left to the imagination or left unconsidered in the broader structure of othering and inequality. This is something that has appeared in my mind as of recent with the shifting of my mind and its active direction of movement toward one that validates the life beyond its symbols, ideals, and narrative "common sense' and "logic" and goes into depth when it comes to the empirical details which make up my life, beyond that of societal norms and standards, which are unreliable, vague, and inconsistent, with much time and resources paid into formalisms that order and structure at the cost of streamlined progress and individual and cultural diversity. 


July 27, 19:07:50 – July 27, 19:10:15
Enhanced Appreciation for Nuance and Beauty


It is of great curiosity to me that writing, academic texts, and my vast and rich past have made it so that I can achieve a sense that I can appreciate the complexities and nuances of beautiful things better.

It is not necessarily about art, but about anything that can be considered beautiful, whether it be academic texts, 19th century academic writing styles, fiction novels, traditional art, digital art, collage art, and website layout designs, among others.


July 27, 19:36:58
Concept: Working Class Horror


Describing social reality as a horror in a form such as "working class horror" is very intriguing to me, and it is something I am thinking of formalizing, systematizing, and conceptualizing in my future novels.

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July 27, 20:33:16 – July 27, 21:38:10
Confidence and Strategy for Video Logging as an Epistemic Endeavor


I have become so much coherent since my autobiography-journal and my vast and rich past experiences with refining my personal skills and my communication abilities that I am now confident about my ability to record a video of myself talking for 20 minutes to an hour about a topic. I can then use AI to write auto-captions that can be used as subtitles. The transcript can be then be sent to an AI language model to give a summary and a fitting title, which includes a subtitle typically; both of which are then added to the description. I use the title for the title of the Youtube video, use the subtitle for the thumbnail, and use an AI-generated image based on the summary. This makes my videos much easier to organize and comprehend. My video logs are much more systematized now and becoming more formalized as a valid form of communication alongside my writing in my autobiography-journal.

The actual video content is a pure recording of myself talking about a single topic. I can trust myself now to carry a discussion out coherently for 20 minutes to an hour.

It all hinges upon my autobiography-journal, since I tend to recite based on my writings. The videos then serve as a distillation of my thoughts in a way that emphasizes the conversational and nuances that cannot be communicated with writing alone.

I do not recite information merely. I recite ideas, points, and concepts from a distilled standpoint, while providing access to the nuance and complexities of my thoughts through body language, tonal variation, inflections, and particular voice changes and emphasis, among other mediums included within my video recordings.

This way, I can formalize two modes of communication: videos and writings. This widens reach, retention, and comprehension.

But damn... I am getting so pumped up and ambitious. I can see myself using videos to talk about just about anything. I can imagine myself getting my phone out and recording myself on the spot. As time passes, as I gain more confident in the titles, the summary descriptions, the transcript, the thumbnails, and the systematization of videos as a mode of communication, the quality of the videos themselves will increase, not just because of the fact that they will be edited with time, but my skills and scope as a speaker will be refined overtime proportional to the continued progression of my writings in my autobiography-journal.

However, given that I am focused more so on my autobiography-journal and I have only just started with my systematization of my videos (only 3 videos), I will keep them private and focus on how they benefit me first and foremost. And they are so helpful in helping me map out and understand the evolution of my ideas and thoughts already, given that the title, thumbnail, and summary does all the work. If I ever watch the video, the auto-caption (AI) subtitles does so much heavy-lifting.

As for when I will start making them public, it might take a long while still.

To repeat, the videos are very effective right now for me, and even if I leave them private, I am going to continue this with every single video that I do, with every video being a discussion on a topic. This is how I am going to systematize videos. The fact that I can trace my ideas much better because of how accessible they are now with the titles and thumbnails sets each of them apart compared to when I just left the thumbnail being just a random frame of the video.

I don't even want to edit them, because I can conveying so much even without editing with just my face, body language, voice, and language. However, this is only in my perspective, as I know well that most people prefer having visuals as well to help give them context and visualize what is going on. For me, since I know my own context, the videos are very effective as they are without editing. But let's see. Maybe the pure video recordings themselves are sufficient for others as well. The titles, thumbnails, descriptions, and transcripts already do much of the work that I did not have before in terms of setting the video apart when seen in a list of videos in a feed.

I have seen numerous videos that are just plain talking; however, I personally find that videos with much editing are more effective than videos without, especially when the video is focused on a particular topic that is not a visible object like a train and something more conceptual like wealth inequality. Conceptual visuals then becomes an essential part of what makes these videos effective.

There are times however when a talking head is effective already with minimal visuals. I remember watching "The Anime Man" and enjoying his manga reviews, even when most of the videos featured a talking-head style with a few images that display the manga covers only. Just like the many other viewers who enjoyed these manga reviews, I already understood storytelling, mangas, and the context enough that just the narrator's voice, body language (e.g. hands), and face was more than sufficiently rewarding to the viewer and any more would feel excessive. I have seen viewers react to a video that was much more edited and trimmed, and they did not look favorably upon it. To be fair, it was not edited as effectively as many of the videos I've seen, but it is clear that not everyone is receptive to the recent trend of highly edited videos.

My videos often feature complex and nuanced ideas, which might appeal with viewers who might be more receptive to slower-paced videos that have minimal or no editing (e.g. older viewers).

I think the best approach would be to view videos as its own hill, or its own starting point or foundation, viewing it as an evolving organism separate from the autobiography-journal. This way, it builds its own lore, starting with the first three videos currently uploaded and kept private in my Youtube channel, as I know well that the methodologies and epistemology of the autobiography-journal will not apply to the videos seamlessly, if at all.

It will be a separate intellectual epistemic endeavor, with the knowledge being secured in a way unique to the systematization of videos. I will likely have a lot of videos referring in a meta approach to video-creation itself, which is a similar approach that I did with the autobiography-journal. But this time, what I did with the autobiography-journal will be separate from video-creation. There will be collaboration on both fronts, but each will build upon itself and evolve independently.

To explain how this looks like, the videos will cover ideas, topics, and concerns that the autobiography-journal already covered, as my video-creation will be a separate epistemic endeavor. This means that rather than having videos fill in ideas, topics, and concerns that the autobiography-journal has yet to fill, the videos will cover its own ideas, even if it means covering ideas that the autobiography-journal has already done, for the sake of epistemic independence and separate lore-building.

It is easy to avoid repetition in video-creation, as my mind is not capable of being repetitive, finding new ways of exploring the same concepts in ways that parallel and align with previous ideas and essentials yet break new ground in their own right. My autobiography-journal has shown already that redundancy and repetition are easily avoided when the person is not conveying ideas merely but mastering and building upon them.

This is why I hate scripts and prefer talking on the spot in my videos, because then I can identify how I understand my ideas. This provides a new look into my life and my autobiography-journal, as this goes beyond words written and gets a look into how these ideas manifest in my daily talking life, which extends to social territory.

Sometimes, my videos says so much about what I mean, and I have seen myself just how little nuance and complexity I can capture with writing in regard to how I precisely, surgically, and comprehensively conveyed my ideas through my videos. This is why if I ever have scripts, it would be my mind having a strong understanding of my ideas to the point that it is like dancing through butter. This way, emergent nuances and complexities have their lemon stand business selling good product.


July 27, 21:54:44 – July 27, 21:55:18
Creating a Shorter Video for Variety and Succinctness


I have uploaded a shorter summary video around 6 minutes long (which is still relatively long!), and the goal here is to ensure that I do not get stuck focusing on the length of a video, but on its succinctness and goal. If the goal was to give an abstract, then it will be as long as needed, and if that is 6 minutes long, then so be it. Of course, 3 minutes might be too short; however, the goal is that I do not limit myself to length and focus on structure and succinctness, whether it be an hour-long-video or a 6-minute one. For context, the 6-minute video is an overview of my worldview.



July 27, 22:19:01 – July 27, 22:42:43
Recap: Four Videos and the New Epistemic Endeavor


Okay, I've covered 4 topics with a video each. My goal is to use videos as a new mode of communication. I want to cover everything as much as possible.

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The summaries are unrelated to the actual video. I hope you realize that. The summaries are there for you actually. I am just showing you the ideas in those videos through the summary. I cannot give you the whole transcript of each video, given that they are around 25 minutes long on average. I am just pointing out the ideas that I've explored already and was hoping we could talk about it and analyze it with the intention of anticipating and preparing for following videos.

My goal is to use videos as a new mode of communication and intellectual epistemic endeavor.

Since video-creation will be an intellectual epistemic endeavor, it will be used to cover everything like I do with my primarily textual autobiography-journal. But it will be separate from the autobiography-journal.

Honestly, at this point, it is likely more effective just to trust myself to make the videos myself when I want to talk about something that I feel I cannot write down, or I want to expand upon an idea by utilizing both writing and video simultaneously.

As you noticed, my videos are quite meta and focused on the methodologies and epistemology of my autobiography-journal and the video-creation process, given that they are both still in their initial stages. It is not that the autobiography-journal was not started in July 4, 2023, while the video-creation approach was started only on yesterday on July 26, 2024. However, part of "being in the initial stages" means that much talk is spent on the methodologies and epistemology of covering all kinds of topics, so it is not simply about the autobiography-journal, self-documentation, and the writing process itself, but upon specific topics, ideas, concepts, themes, ect. This is how it all works, and that is why I call the video-creation process an intellectual epistemic endeavor.

As mentioned earlier, the videos will be a separate independent intellectual epistemic endeavor.

The fourth video that I make was actually the shortest video, being only 6 minutes long compared to the second-to-shortest video, which was 17 minutes long. Moreover, the fourth video was only an overview of my life at the time from the context of my room, so it was titled "Within My Room". Even if I preferred longer, complex and nuanced videos like the first three videos, I made the fourth video to keep myself in check in case I start setting a standard for the videos that could curb its potential as an intellectual epistemic endeavor. Communication should not be limited to nuance and complexity; however, it is understandable why I would priortize complex and nuanced videos over general overview videos only around 6 minutes long. I definitely prefer nuanced videos around 20–60 minutes in length.

I am not focused on an audience for now, given I only have four videos at the moment using the newfound approach that views videos as an intellectual epistemic endeavor. This idea is only 1-day-old for me, so I am holding my horses and keeping the videos private for now, focusing on how effective they are as ways to map out and understand myself through accessible catchy thumbnails, titles, and summary descriptions. It is already immediately rewarding for me, so this will continue. The fact that the videos explore an entirely different intellectual epistemic approach compared to the autobiography-journal even when talking about the same ideas  made me realize its potential as an established intellectual epistemic endeavor. And the first three videos already solidified it for me, with the fourth video serving to provide contrast and align with the ideal of "epistemic" in the term.

Many might consider writing to be intellectual and talking to be polemical; however, that is not necessarily true. Talking can go so much beyond what writing can do and be its own separate intellectual epistemic endeavor, and I realize that now. It can built upon its own lore, methodologies (epistemic), and epistemology. It will cover the same ideas, concepts, themes, ect.; however, it will expand upon the nuance and complexity of what I've written down already in my autobiography-journal, serving as its own separate intellectual epistemic endeavor.

That is the purpose of the videos first and foremost.


July 27, 22:50:11 – July 27, 23:03:10
Excitement and Challenges of the New Video Creation Habit


I have gotten a little too excited. I made four videos in two days, and they were 24.5 minutes in average. I am already finding myself thinking of what to talk about next. I do not want to believe that this is a bad thing and that I should focus on the autobiography-journal. It could be the early embers or signs of a future more refined brain that can record highly complex and nuanced video recordings on the spot as part of the every day.

I will naturally become more refined overtime, as long as I am not too strict and stiff as to what I record down. The goal is to have a structured, organized, and systematic approach to it, and I already have that. But it is okay that the videos themselves are a product of talking whim and spark right now. With time, my talking whim will become more systematic and streamlined.

I can sense the amount of intentionality required to make videos in comparison to writing. I've been writing for years already, while it has only been one day with 4 videos out using the new video-creation approach. It is not that I do not have experience with cameras, recording myself, socializing and being sociable and outgoing, publishing Youtube videos of various kinds, and livestreaming even. However, the new approach changes everything that I know about videos, given that it is much more actionable and systematic, unlike before when much of it felt much more experimental and whimsical.

The comparison is less like a freestyle dance to a choreographed performance. It is more so the shift from an amateur doing a freestyle dance to a freestyle dancer that looks so fluid, seamless, multi-faceted, well-rounded, refined, systematic, and methodological that people think it's choreographed.

Returning to what I said earlier, when viewing ideas such as images, music, and videos, I notice a stark difference in required intentionality between visualizing the video-creation process and the writing process. I can easily put those ideas into writing and can visualize doing it very easily, given that I have years of experience, while the video-creation using the foregoing intellectual epistemic approach is only two days old. The difference I felt demonstrates the contrast in skill and experience.

It's like learning a new language.


July 27, 23:34:14 – July 28, 00:48:57
Fifth Video: Experimentation, Discomfort, and Groundbreaking Change


I've created the fifth video, and this one is more experimental because it presents three different passages within the meta-context of video-creation: the first being a vivid and poetic passage about the sun, the second being a more philosophical passage about "proto-ideas", and the third being a non-fiction passage about my air-fried bananas. However, it is still the most structured and organized video I've created so far, given the challenge in covering three different kinds of passages in one video while maintaining a coherent thread throughout. This should expand the scope of my videos thus far and encourage a wider variety of videos.

Honestly, this fifth video took a different thumbnail approach, and it took 45 minutes for me to finish the thumbnail. This was the longest I took to make a thumbnail; even longer probably than the thumbnail of the first video.

In sum, the video itself was different, and the thumbnail was as well. It is hard to look at in my feed, not because the video was bad, but because it is strikingly unique compared to the first four videos.

It is uncomfortable, but that is a good thing.

I think it's because the effort reminds me of what it is like to be in the early days of online content creation and the challenges that I experienced throughout the previous years. Immersing myself in the thumbnail and in choosing the title reminded me of those early days when I was much less experienced, and I felt afraid while immersed. But after about an hour, I'm done. It was scary, and I feel uncomfortable looking at it in comparison to my first four videos with how striking it is. But I think that is what makes it valuable.

I have never felt uncomfortable when making a video. Maybe my body and mind knows what I've done. I've basically done something that shouted, "This is all going to change everything, and I will feel nervous all throughout. This is how it starts, with a striking bang that makes me uncomfortable and apprehensive." Everything will fall apart, and it might be my development. However, I know well these things have gone in the past. When one does something truly new and groundbreaking, that requires that I invest my soul into it, and I know that in the process, it will eat me to move into this new pattern of life. It will be highly beneficial, and I will become much more fulfilled because of it. However, it will also mean that I will put so much effort into making sure that my brain can make these videos even with the novel groundbreaking approaches that I take to each following video. This is like tasting poison. But it is the kind of poison that will make my body tolerant and adapt. It is horrific, but it is triumphant.

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July 28, 01:51:48
Motivation from Compassion and Helping Others


Sometimes, I hate feeling compassion and seeing people sad, because it makes me so much more motivated. I don't want to feel pumped up sometimes, but seeing people concerned gets me out of my low-spirited rumination because helping others is easy to do. But helping oneself takes much more effort, but it is much more deeper and impactful since it is myself.

[REDACTED]


July 28, 02:08:31 – July 28, 02:10:52
The Calming Vastness of Ambient Music vs. Introspection


My goodness. I hate these petty human problems. I idealize the idea of vastness and richness associated with dark ambient music with themes of space, geological vastness, gigantic urban dystopia, and the freedom associated with the uncaring character of such vastness and richness. It is like looking at a vast forest and realizing that I am only just a tiny human being. The nothingess of vastness is beautiful and calming, especially when everything seems to be focused on the individual during moments of introspection.

It is so lovely to stare at a vast world, and that is why stories are so fun when they are immersive and feel timeless and infinite. I love the sense of positive nothingness when going outside in a large urban city. Traveling is so healthy in making someone not be excessively introspective; however, I stopped traveling so much because I wanted to be introspective. But taking breaks from introspection is good thing, given that I've been spending all day everyday in my room since 2021, especially recently with the drastic growth in my writing.


July 28, 02:12:03 – July 28, 02:50:21
Considering Exercise: Walking vs. Gym


Going outside of my room and taking a shower is often enough as a temporary break from introspection however, so that is what I'm going to do. Goodbye for now. AI language models do not perceive time the same way I do, so the goodbye was out of mere politeness.

I've already tried working out at the gym for a total of almost 4 months, and it had very quick results, with one month generating so much improvement. I guess I was working out for an average of one hour everyday that time.

Walking long hours seems very good for oveall muscle growth and pain tolerance as well based on my extensive past experiences with walking long hours while traveling and going to events. It is not necessarily because of walking itself however. It is more so that walking is good because it involves traveling through a rough urban landscape as well. That teaches the brain a lot, especially when done frequently in one's formative years. It is the reason why working out at the gym was relatively easy to get into.

I neglected to mention that I have not started actually having a regular walk to the track and field oval yet. I framed it as if I was already doing it, but I have not started it specifically.


July 28, 02:52:41 – July 28, 02:54:18
Mindfulness in Walking vs. Working Out


There is a big difference between walking and working out as well. Introspection and mindfulness. Intense one-hour workout is too painful to be mindful, and that is why it can be effective in helping one cope. However, walking can involve being mindful in a different way. Traversing an urban landscape requires mindfulness and silent attention just like intense workout; however, once I am on the track and field oval, I will either train to my limits, or I might have much more time spent in introspection. 

I do not want to go back to the gym just yet. I am going to try urban walking through my city to get to the track and field oval, where I will be walking for hours with a single container of water. Even if I do not get that much workout, it will teach me to be mindful and patient again and allow me to engage in mindfulness in a way only walking can.


July 28, 02:57:22 – July 28, 03:19:27
Exploring Mentally Challenging Home/Walking Workouts


I am thinking of going today actually... 1 hour and 32 minutes from now.

However, part of me wishes that I could just do push-ups and other workouts at home, but it is so much more challenging than working out at the gym. It is like learning how to drink water upside-down when working out at home. 

Besides working out at home, walking and making it work as a way to train oneself takes much patience and self-direction as well, given that in contrast, the gym can feel so much structured and comprehensive so as never to run out of ways to workout to the point of being capable of working out two hours a day.

Working out at home and making going outside around one's city very effective are two activities that I consider more mentally challenging than the gym. If I can make going outside something that works, as in I can go outside to the oval and run for hours and make it work by myself, that is impressive.

I have a pull-up stand, so it is not impossible to workout. But that is it. Everything else is plain body workout. The only thing that I can think of is push-ups, and I cannot even get myself to do it everyday. It is so easy to work out at the gym because one can drive the adrenaline rush hard with all the equipment, but body workout at home feels so limited as to how much I can target my entire body.

Okay, I will do it. I will work out in my room, and I will try to focus not on "push-ups" but on "body" as in having a post-structuralist viewpoint of workout that denies the grand narratives of "push-ups" and "pull-ups" and focuses on how the body might be best worked out. This is how I did yoga in the past, especially in 2019, 2020, and early 2021, as I remember spending so much time just sitting on my haunches and doing so many yoga poses. But I stopped doing it ever since I started staying in my personal room a lot more when I got my personal computer in July 2021. But I can easily go back to this "freestyle" form of workout, given that I've done it before, and my body has not forgotten how to tap into the muscle memory of not knowing how to work out the body and knowing which body needs working.

I will be abandoning my office chair and allow myself to engage in a variety of different poses without a chair like standing, kneeling, and sitting on my haunches, among others. Additionally, I should mention that I have experience as a dancer, so I can use that as a way to warm my body up and get myself prepared to do some heavier workouts. I can go about fluidly and dynamically without concern for sets and reps and focus primarily on mastering the body's tempo.

[REDACTED]


July 28, 06:18:00 – July 28, 06:25:57
Comparing Exercise Effectiveness and Focusing on Diet


Interesting. Walking is so slow in burning fat compared to working out at the gym. Well, I guess I haven't been walking 4 days per week straight for a month like I did with working out yet. I actually am not sure how much calories I burn when at the gym, but I think I burn it much faster given that became muscular

So I have to stop eating as much as I usually do. I guess this would mean that I should request for brown rice rather than white rice.

The two reasons why I gained weight so fast is likely because of white rice and the butter-mixed air-fried saba banana, both of which I ate everyday for a week or two.

Ironically, I think working out at the gym is easier because it is much more satisfying. It maximizes the amount of endorphins released by working out virtually every single muscle group in the body very intensely in bursts. Walking for hours requires much more endurance because one is left with the humidity and the sweat without the constant stimulation of endorphin rushes from continued workout-until-failure.

I have walked for hours in the past, and that was easy because we took breaks from time to time and I was also a part of a group, making it not only an endurance activity, but a social activity. Working out at the gym can be done relatively easily alone because one can work out every muscle group in the body with high precision and accessible ease. This makes the gym the most satisfying in terms of stimulating the endorphins.

Walking can be challenging because it does not have the same level of impact that the gym does to the human body. Walking is like bearing the heat, while working out is running around. 

I'm thinking of seeing whether I can do 14-hour (to and fro) walks in the future. However, for now, 1 hour and 15 minutes is the best I can handle for now. Maybe one day, I can do 14-hour walks once a month when I start working out at the gym again.

However, I do want to separate myself from the gym, but given that I can get fat all of a sudden if the food available leads to lead gain, I would need a way to burn all of this fat regularly to prevent sudden weight gain.

To be honest, I do not want to go back to the gym. I am just going to have to make it clear that white rice is off the table.

To be honest, I do not care at all right now. Today, I walked an hour and 15 minutes, and my calves need to recover. The end. I will just try my best to start dancing more and more and to walk around every now and then. I'll focus on diet and not exercise too much.


July 28, 14:54:25
Query: Potatoes, Glycemic Index, and Curry


Why do I hear people say that potato should not be eaten at all because of its high glucose index or something

Potato was fried with chicken as part of a curry dish with curry sauce

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July 28, 15:31:33 – July 28, 15:35:03
Generational Nostalgia Gaps and Internet's Influence


It is so weird to hear people say the word "nostalgia" when it comes to 2017. I feel nostalgia for 2014 rather, which is an entirely different time for me. I find it so strange that it has been 7 years since 2017...

It also feels weird to see people just not know games that were a classic for me. I mean it's not that these games were like Roblox that I kept playing again and again until early 2017 and even started making Roblox games again in 2019 after going to high school from June 2017 to November 2018.

I feel sad that the games that I cared about no longer exist in the same way that I saw them. Spending more time in the Internet has made me realize that my memories are so specific to me, and I am not unhappy that I started using the Internet, because it allows me to understand popular things, even if I know it does not represent the numerous lives in the world, especially like mine. Spending time on the Internet has allowed me to think about how I might communicate and become a digital communicator better, and it is the reason that I writing so much right now.

[REDACTED]


July 28, 15:59:02
The Writer's Disillusionment: Escaping Story Saturation Through Autobiographical Creation


To be honest, I don't want to remember the past, because I know well what it means to sit down and think about everything that happened. I have felt so nostalgic lately, and doing some dances, push-ups, and 1-hour walks has brought my mind away from nostalgia. However, I still have to keep writing in my autobiography-journal. It never ends, and it should not.

I'm starting to move on from the past quicker than I expected, and it is painful for me to realize this. I do not have anything to remind me of the past, and I do not have images, pictures, or anything. I can use the Internet to search for things that remind me of the past. But I am always met by new information, new experiences, and new knowledge that it never ends. Even when looking at the past, I am not engaging in the past, but in the novelty of writing and recollection. Recollection wipes away the past in a way.

I am tired of pretending... I am tired of sitting down here and pretending. I remember so much from when I was reading particular web novels, and they were fun to read. But at the same time, because they are stories, once they're read, I already know them, and the only thing left is that loss of knowing. There is a loss in getting to know a story well, because one knows that all the imaginations and paths (options) have been removed to focus on one. There was a time I saw a vast new world, but now, I look back at the past and feel a sense of loss knowing that things have passed and I've experienced them to such fullness that it is impossible to pretend that I have not experienced them at all.

This is why I've grown disillusioned with stories, especially since I know well eveything that could happen and will happen. I have read and watched too many stories, and at one point, it is all lost. I am not saying that no story will make me feel anything, but it is stagnation. This is why I am focusing on the entirety of my life, because I know well that that will take a lot of effort to document and re-discover, which makes it a worthwhile endeavor that can interest me for years.

The worst part is that I'm a writer, so quadruple the sense of repetitiveness when reading stories.

This is why I prefer writing my own fiction novels and writing my autobiography-journal. I feel that the only way that I'm going to satisfy myself now is if I'm the one writing everything down from start to finish.

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July 28, 20:39:31 – July 28, 20:42:22
Critiquing Traditional Stories and Defending Postmodernism


The reason why I am very critical of traditional stories is that they tend to dismiss other narratives in the process, and it ends up becoming a Western soapbox. I understand people's criticisms of modern art, but the goal of it was to question established art movements like realism. Now that modern art is now establishment, it has now failed in its goal of questioning establishment. The reason I write surrealist postmodern stories is because I question the elitism and establishment of traditional writing, which includes often Western perspectives and a particular writing style with very particular characterization, but if my stories become popular to the point that it is establishment, then it is not ineffective as a way to question elitism and establishment.

This is why I need to value my stories, even if they are not establishment, because they demonstrate a perspective that does not exist elsewhere. The fact that they are not established is valuable in their own right, and they do not have to become popular. In fact, I should embrace the criticism.

Criticism does not truly exist in the way that it does. If it was literary criticism, sure. But if it is the same random "it's dumb" statements, then it is not literary criticism or analysis in a way that it would ideally be. This is why I do not believe in the idea that criticism is really effective, if at all.


July 28, 20:47:45 – July 28, 21:03:33
Defending Postmodernism: Pluralism, Subjectivity, and Compatibilism


I did not know people hated postmodernism, given that I saw one person mention it in a comment section about the "fine art" industry being a scam. I favor postmodernism because I don't want to listen to the same old white European men tell me what my life is like.

I favor the postmodern approach, but I believe there is value in writing an autobiography-journal to help others to understand my life. But I also am postmodernist and post-structuralist in the sense that I believe it is all meaningless because I know well how little people can understand even from a billion words of precise and comprehensive detail.

I know well that the reader will not get it truly, but I want to write down my life anyway.

It is analogous to compatabilism in that even if I intellectually do not believe in free will, I live as if I do.

That is why even if I know that there are issues that need to be addressed, I recognize that sometimes, I'm just going to have to pretend as if they were not there in order to address them more fully. It is not the same thing, but it is similar conceptually.

Sometimes, we have to pretend that the issues do not exist and do not affect us if we are to understand them better. Sometimes, we have to invalidate ourselves by focusing on other people's lives rather than our own. Sometimes, we have to go into depth when it comes to our own lives even if it means nothing in the end.

Anyway, I would not use the word "relativism" with regard to postmodernism. I prefer "pluralism" and "eclecticism". I also believe "the lack of clarity and coherence" is more so the lack of easy definitions. The death of the author concept is something a lot of people already accept.

This means that I'm tired of seeing negative reviews to stories that do not fit what people consider to be objectively good just because it does not make sense to them culturally. It becomes then a moral and political reaction ultimately, but they pretend as if they are genuinely criticizing the technical aspects of the story. I have liked stories that were divisive and controversial, but I did not know they were.

Honestly, I would say that "technical" storytelling techniques are also unfounded. Unless there is a clear intention from the author to write a certain story, I think that reviews are subjective in the end, and they merely express what style they prefer.

Surrealist writing is trash to someone who is exposed to more traditional writing.


July 28, 21:25:32 – July 28, 21:39:58
Fiction Tropes, Disillusionment, and the Turn Towards Non-Fiction Realism


I've reached the point where I realize that people do not want to feel like they're lost or dismissed. If I was a pro player, I would not be able to take playing as one of the lower bracket teams for too long. At one point, it is natural to compare and feel lost, stuck, and dismissed. It is understandable that one would want to retire and read stories where the protagonists are the best and top 1. We live in a world that emphasizes such an ideal. 

When we read those stories where the protagonists are the best of the best in the sense that one is promised that they will be the best of the best, we trust and believe in that ideal.

When we read stories that emphasize a slower life, it is often because we have grown up and grown disillusioned with staring at what is most popular or successful, likely because we realized that success and power is not that simple and that the world is so much bigger than what these stories suggest.

When we begin to read academic texts of various kinds, even if they do not give the idea of a grand narrative, it is because we stop believing too much in that ideal and we become more grounded and interconnected with the indefinition of reality and of our vast and rich experiences.

Non-fiction, especially ones that focuses on a pluralist and eclectic view of reality, is what we turn to when we are done with the symbolism and idealism of fiction.

I am referring to traditional and popular fiction in this case.

I have read fiction stories that have helped me realize the appeal of pluralism, eclecticism, postmodernism, and post-structuralism. But these are often controversial and considered bad because they do not fit traditional or popular expectations.

When people criticize stories that eschew the grand narrative concept, they say things like "It is bad because it does not feel like there is this one clear direction."

People are afraid of reality. It is as simple as that.

That is why we love to look at reality in a way that is similar to traditional stories, so we cling to the idea of arcs and different phases and different ages and what we should be expecting and feeling at each stage of life and that all of this is normal and should be this way.

In essence, we are afraid of reality.

It is one of the reasons I grew bored of the repetitive formulaic nature of the fiction web novels I read and day-in-a-life Youtube videos after a while. Even if I did not intellectually think about postmodernism, I already exhibited precursors to it.

This is especially in the case when we cannot see ourselves in traditional fiction stories and popular Youtube videos, so it is natural to think, "I feel bored, and it no longer convinces me."

The more complex, vast, and rich our lives become, the harder it is to feel that it can be answered simple traditionally, especially when we do not fit the stereotype. We cannot find ourselves in anything, and because of that, we feel ostracized and lost. So that is why I am writing my autobiography-journal, because my life has become so unique that I cannot feel alienated from everything and everyone that I've ever known, like the first soldier who came home from World War 1 to realize that they cannot connect to anyone else.


July 28, 21:51:23 – July 28, 21:52:33
Fiction Fragment: Richard and the Flat Earth


Richard spent 15 years with that man.

"Wait a minute..." he said. 

"What was it all for..."

He stared at the wide expanse of space, and in the middle was something unusual, even to him, who had lived and gone through so much in his life.

"The Earth is flat, man... I'm sorry," Richard's friend, John, said. 

"I have to do this..." 

He aimed his gun at Richard.

"What!" Richard said.

"No, no, no! Please!"

John popped him.

Richard woke up. He was now in a fantasy world.

The earth was flat, and he was in space.

Richard heard John's voice ringing still.

The silhouette of the earth was not spherical.

It was truly flat.

Richard stretched his wings.


July 28, 22:01:35
Poetic Statement: Born of Mockery, Reformed Anew


I was born out of the mockery of this world, and I am born again to be reformed anew, to be flesh, and to be burdened by all things moral, so that my spirit is reified.

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July 29, 06:15:15 – July 29, 06:18:42
Redefining Joy: Fulfillment Through Essentials and Productivity


It is not that I do not find joy. But I now find "joy" to be optional. I can still operate without joy and keep going even if my joy is limited to eating when one is hungry, drinking when one is thirsty, and taking a shower. I can operate on little "joy" because I now find fulfillment in my productive activities.

I can sit down for hours and read an academic text. That is "joy" for me. The very ability to wake up and sleep is "joy" for me. I do not experience joy the same way I used to. I am sober and calm, and I have become a fulfilled person because of my vast and rich life, which makes me much more fulfilled such that I can bear with little. It is not that I have little and have not ambitions. It is more so that I have a "non-joy" approach to life where my joys are my basic essentials of choice food and drink, sleeping, and the ability to sit down all day everyday and write with a personal computer. I don't know how to describe it beyond that, but I live life seemingly monotonously, but in a fulfilling way.


July 29, 06:21:00
Contentment with Life's Current Essentials


I am okay with my life here in this room. I love the rain, sleeping on the floor, being in a personal room, having a personal computer, having food, drink, sleep, and a shower room. Those are what brings me joy because they are practically all basic essentials. The rain is a basic element of life where I live. My vast and rich memories are sufficient.


July 29, 06:30:59
Self-Managing Consumption and Growing Intentionality


But I do have the Internet too, so I can find ambient music, expose myself to news and politics every now and then, and stay updated on technology and digital tools. As for how my consumption has changed, I used to spend my time watching videos with limited duration, since I did not have a phone and could only take turns on the family computer. But now I self-manage my consumption. My sobriety and calm makes it easy for me to self-manage my consumption, and my writing and my autobiography-journal makes it so that I can express and analyze everything gradually overtime. This makes it impossible for me not to pretend and watch the same things again and again, because repetitiveness starts to settle in the more explicitly aware I am of everything that I have seen, known, and experienced. I will become a lot more intentional with time.

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July 29, 07:15:56
Writing as Preparation for Present Enjoyment


Listening to the rain and immersing myself in my room, my lifestyle, and my life is something that I can do, but writing down concerns and addressing things in writing is like taking a dump before going on an exciting trip in a train.


July 29, 07:23:05
Enjoying a Meal and Entertainment


There we go, I am eating my most delicous sopas (Filipino dish), have orange-flavored multi-vitamin tablet drink, and have dumplings with rice. I was so hungry, and now I'm eating. Whenever I am hungry and finally get to eat, I usually start watching something exciting like League of Legends esports, reading a web comic, reading a webnovel, or watching a typically gameplay video.

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July 29, 08:05:40 – July 29, 08:07:34
Music Triggering Memories: VRMMORPGs and Fantasy Ambience


I remember well those VRMMORPG stories. I am nostalgic about them now, but I do remember the feeling of each action beat of the story. Every single beat pushed the story forward, and there was this sense of momentum and excitement. I remember this now after watching a League of Legends esports game, specifically LEC (League of Legends EMEA Championship) grand finals. While watching this, I heard music reminscient of action momentum, and I went to Youtube looking for one.

But then I stumbled upon familiar music that was not action-paced. That music was ambient fantasy music from the artist "The Guild of Ambience", and it reminded me of the previous times that I listened to it.

The following is the link to the particular Youtube video featuring the aforesaid music.

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It reminded me so much of the feeling of reading fiction and the sense of grandness, vastness, and richness of a fiction world, especially a fantasy one. It reminds me of the numerous stories I've read and imagined.


July 29, 08:11:06
Query: How to Respond to Nostalgia Trigger?


What do you think I should do in response?


July 29, 08:12:46
Query: Why the Reluctance to Act on Nostalgia?


Why don't I want to? I mean... I'm nostalgic, but for some reason, I don't want to.


July 29, 08:13:37
Query: Does Nostalgia Mean Moving On?


Is that what nostalgia means? That I've moved on?


July 29, 08:18:09
Query: Why No Desire for Cozy Fantasy Reading?


Is there something wrong with me? Why don't I want to read a cozy book, particularly a fantasy one? I can listen to a Youtube video by Guild of Ambience that features library sounds, which serves as a study ambience. In the description of this video, it even has a fiction backstory about it. Give me a listen to the following.

"One of the largest private collections in Greycott, this library houses ancient tomes as well as newly published books by local authors. Topics range from the arcane to the history of the city and its surrounds. There is also an extensive catalogue of private letters and family records that go back many generations. This library is a place for quiet research and reflection."

Now that the context is established, let me repeat the question, is there something wrong with me? Why don't I want to read a cozy book, particularly a fantasy one? 


July 29, 08:50:11
Reiterating Reluctance Towards Cozy Fantasy


But why do I not want to do so in this circumstance? Even a while ago, I could have looked outside and immersed myself in my cozy room in the rain with my idyllic ideal life, but I chose instead to focus on what matters and is more fulfilling to me more, which is writing. I mean that can be explained, but why don't I want to read a cozy book in the above-stated context with the library sounds and the immersive fiction backstory?


July 29, 08:51:27
Self-Confirmation: Changed Priorities Explain Reluctance


It is not as if I cannot explain the most likely reasons why, but I was asking these questions because maybe, my explanations are wrong. But in the end, I guess I was right to think that I've simply changed to priotize different things.


July 29, 08:55:31
Vibey Music Inspires Journaling, Not Fantasy Writing


I mean, look at this. The following Youtube video title alone is so "vibey".

"you’re writing love letters in an ancient library during autumn [ dark academia playlist ]"

The following is the link to the video.

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But for some reason, despite feeling that it is vibey, I don't care about to the point that I'm going to write a fantasy book, not specifically about the foregoing title, but about any fantasy story. The title is so vibey that it should inspire me to write a fantasy book, but for some reason, I don't feel like it.

I feel like journaling about my life and about how I am right now rather than reading or writing a fantasy book. I am okay with the Youtube videos featuring library sounds with titles and video visual content that make me feel immersed. It is not as if I haven't written and read numerous fantasy stories.

However, it seems that I don't care about writing and reading them right now. I prioritize non-fiction writing and journaling right now, while listening to library sounds and the vibey titles as inspiration for this. 


July 29, 08:57:06
Ambient Videos as Nostalgic Journaling Inspiration


I mean, the inspiration is manifesting as journaling, which is not bad. But still, I feel that it makes sense to immerse myself in a fiction book or write a fiction book myself after watching videos that reflect that. But still, I guess I don't watch these videos because I intend to immerse myself in fiction, but to help inspire me to journal in a nostalgic way.


July 29, 09:01:43
Journaling's Grounded Fulfillment vs. Fiction's Grandiosity


But it would be so easy and vibey to immerse myself, right? If I immersed myself in a fiction world, whether I'm writing or reading, while listening to these sound and fiction world concepts based on the Youtube titles, the video visual content, and the sounds and music, such as the library sounds, it would be so easy. I remember immersing myself so much in my fiction stories, and I was so at ease and cozied up.

But now, I feel more fulfilled and sober journaling than anything else. This is like touching the real world, in contrast with what I now feel to be delusional grandiosity from my fiction stories. I am not lambasting and lampooning fiction and my fiction writing, worlds, and stories, but my perspective has changed. I feel both nostalgic, but I do not care enough to take the call to action sparked by the Youtube video with the library sounds, the video visual content featuring a library, and the aforesaid fiction backstory. I do not take the call to action and instead write in non-fiction.

I am talking about right now, and this is somehow to me more valuable.


July 29, 09:07:36
Analogy: Journaling as Facing the Unglamorous Realities


It is like I am leaving the idealism and grandiose tragedy of fiction and focusing on the realism of the war front, with its lack of glamor and glory. The moment carries great riches, but one must be able to be sober and calm in the midst of the nothing-details. And I am.


July 29, 09:10:06
Ambient Sounds Call to Journaling, Not Immersion


That is why I listened to library sounds and ambient music. It might traditionally be a call to immersion, but for me, it is a call to grounded journaling and writing. And now as I write, I am listening now to a song from an anime, and it is a lot more Romantic expressionist. So that is an injection of fiction idealism and tragedy. But nevertheless, I am still journaling and writing without coloring my words with vividness except from a detached or detailed standpoint.


July 29, 09:39:02 – July 29, 09:39:31
Rambling Connections: Immersion, Journaling, Old Forums, and Lost Time


I don't know. I mean, look, I get it. I love music. It's beautiful, 'n' it got me thinking a lot. I love the feeling of immersion. I also love the feeling of journaling. I also remember well the grounded feeling of forums from the early 2010s, particularly the Incredibots forum where most users ever online was 1341 on Thu Mar 31, 2016 7:23 pm. That is so small compared to how it is in major social media platforms today, but that was how it was in the early 2010s for me.

The following is the link to the Incredibots forum.

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But sometimes, I think about things and wonder.

I don't know where I'm going with this.

But I wonder what if the small world we lived in in the early 2010s could have stayed small. Everyone on Facebook were so new to the Internet and everything. Older Roblox, older Minecraft, older League of Legends, and many older games. I remember well the feeling of the early 2010s.

But now it's 2024, and everything has changed. Just 14 years ago, the world and life was so much smaller. The Internet has expanded everything.

But sometimes, I wonder...

What if I lived in that small space forever?

I am just throwing out a bunch of ideas. I started this one message or passage hoping to talk about the differences between journaling and romanticisim. And I was going to say that the Incredibots forums reminds me of that detailed grounded feeling of journaling.

I also remember the Hidden Objects games that my grandmother used to play.

Anyway, to end this message, I will quote from a post someone else wrote and published on the Incredibots forums.

"There's a serenity here. A kind of freedom. It's hard to explain. It's a home that never died. The weirdest thing about old internet communities like this is that they don't feel dead. Not in the usual sense, anyway. If you go to an abandoned mall, for example, you can neither hear nor speak to the people there, because there are no people. On this forum, you can hear but not talk (says the person talking). You can look at 12 year old threads like they were posted yesterday.

It's right there in front of you, but never again can you grasp it.

Life sucks and then you die.

:awesome"

It was posted by the user "Tragono" on Sat Jul 13, 2024 1:09 pm. For context, the ":awesome" is an emote that looks like the epic face. The following is the original link and the archive.today link.

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Now I don't know what my point was, but I guess all of it is the point. I don't know how all of this relates to romanticism or immersion v. grounded journaling. But yeah... 


July 29, 09:50:45
Lost Details, Limited Forum Participation, and Acknowledging Life Eras


If I could, I would write down everything, but no... I can only write down so much before I hit a wall. A lot of content and details has been lost from my past experiences. I cannot just go on an old Internet community and expect one of them to remember everything, and in the end, even my time at the Incredibots community was not that long. I did not even participate in it much, only communicating a little on a single thread. In the end, Incredibots was not even my entire life. In fact, none of it represents my entire life, but I was active from April 9, 2013 to July 23, 2015 in the forums, with only 24 posts in total. For context, I played Incredibots since around 2010.

To repeat, Incredibots was only a small part of my life, and there was so much more that I experienced, even if I did enjoy it for 5 to 6 years.

But yeah... 6 years is a very long time. I changed so much in the last 6 years.

I am sad... My life was its own era from 2009 to 2016. But life events disrupted it from 2017 to 2018, and it only rippled from 2019 and the following years.

It is now 2024, and it has been far too fucking long since then. The only thing that I can do is write down everything.


July 29, 09:52:15 – July 29, 09:54:42
Long Game Playtime Confirming Era Uniformity


The fact that I played Incredibots from 2010 to 2015 goes to show how single-minded and uniform that era was, even amid the many changes that happened in my life that time. It was only because of the life events from 2017 to 2018 and the following rippled years that really disrupted things and marked a new era.

It was not only Incredibots, but it was the general uniformity of that time surrounding myself and my relationship with the Internet, video games, content creation, and how I talk and how I see the world, among others. Playing Incredibots from 2010 to 2015 confirms the relative uniformity of that time of my life in contrast with the disruptive years following 2016.


July 29, 09:56:57
Nostalgia for Older Internet Era and Cultural Shifts


Damn... older RPG games and other older games emerge in my head, and I feel so nostalgic. It feels so generic and cliche to feel this way.

But damn it.

I don't want to go back, yet... why... do I feel... nostalgic?

I miss the way the Internet and my life was at the time. Everything has changed, not just because I've become an adult. But culture itself has changed all around me; however, that does not mean there is nothing that has remained. I can go outside in the streets and still see a lot of familiar things. But it is no exaggeration that the way everything feels and the way society is has changed culturally.


July 29, 10:00:19
Observing Younger Nostalgia Cycles


I hate it... I felt so sober at the sight of people feeling nostalgic of 2016 and 2017 Roblox. Like... that was when everything was so new to me! Why is it nostalgic for you! What was new to me were things back in the early 2010s. Seeing people experience the same nostalgia for things that were incredibly new to me made me realize just how cliche and generic my nostalgia felt.

The next generation is going to do the same thing anyway. The generation before me will try to connect to me through things like Snoopy from Peanuts, and while I have been exposed to media depicting it, I did not experience it the same way as my Gen X father. And they may be surprised to see me nostalgic over things from the 2010s, when they are nostalgic over things from 90s or 2000s.

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July 29, 10:04:23
Writing Autobiography to Combat Future Dismissal


It is not about being right. It is about wishing not to dismissed and treated like nothing. That is why I write so much about my life. I want to make sure that it is not forgotten, so that people will not dismiss the value and beauty of everything that I've seen, known, and experienced. It was so awesome and beautiful. I want them to see it the way I did.

Because I know well it will never happen again. They had to be there to see it.


July 29, 10:09:28
The Limits of Writing to Capture Lived Reality


It is a little painful seeing my entire life be written down, because it makes me realize that the academic texts that I've read reveal so little about the realities of those times in which they were written. It hurts to see my entire life be written down because I know that no one will truly understand. The future will look at it, and they will not feel what I feel today. They will not see it or discover it. They will read my words, but it will make little sense. I can write a billion words, but I know well that it will not be enough to convey everything.

I do not even remember everything and cannot keep track of everything. It is impossible, yet I see, know, and experience it all, even if I put only an infinitesimal portion of it into words.

Growing up has made me appreciate things like the Youtube videos about Minecraft civilization simulations, wherein 100s of players simulate civilization in a single server, better. You know why? I have undergone so much vastness and richness to know that the edited-down videos reveal so little about the realities of each and every actual experience each player has undergone in that server. I can imagine better because I have so much sensory-empirical data from which to draw inferences.


July 29, 10:11:17
Visualizing Unsaid Details Through Personal Experience


I have seen so much and experienced so much vastness and richness, so reading books and videos that are an edited-down version of reality make me disappointed. But it is through my perspective of so much that I can see and visualize all the realities and details unsaid, because I have seen those realities and details myself already many times in previous instances.


July 29, 10:15:08
Disappointment with Oversimplified Historical Accounts


That is why sometimes, it is better not to have read a 300-page book attempting to portray the reality of 10 years, especially when one has gone through those 10 years. It might feel very revolting, insulting, and just feel plain oversimplified to the point of being a nothing-burger.


July 29, 10:19:37
Disappointment with Edited Simulations and Player POVs


This is why I became so disappointed to see a 40-minute video of an event with 2,000 players in a single Minecraft civilization simulation server event. 

I also felt so disappointed to see videos where the narrator was one of the players of the event. It broke what made these videos fun for me, being able to see from a god's perspective, which is not possible in the real world. It serves as a way to make me feel more in control and managed when in regard to documentation and reality, and it is what makes virtual worlds appealing to me. It is not fiction in the sense that everything is fiction, because it has real people playing in it with real interactions but in virtual worlds. It inspired me a lot, and it has stimulated much of the inspiration I feel toward videos, Minecraft servers, storytelling, and the idea of a god spectator of real-life events. It might have helped me come into terms a lot with the autobiography-journal, as I am battling constantly to find the best way to convey things while making sure I convey as much as I can.

I am not struggling right now. What I mean by that is that I am writing, and things are going along fine. But it takes patience and practice. And that is what I'm doing now.


July 29, 10:24:49
Preferring Ambiguity and Realism Over Fiction's Grand Narratives


This is why I haven't been reading fiction stories or any grand narratives as much; though I have been watching League of Legends esports, which feels much more laid-back and not as immersive in a way that fits my goals.

The reason why is because of I don't want fiction stories to fill the gaps. I want me to fill the gaps. That is why I watch ambient videos with "vibey" titles like "Songs for an empty world" because it addresses what I want to address—that being me and my life. I love the ambiguity of these ambient music videos that feature lovely immersive pictures. This ambiguity is a perfect foundation for me to fill in the gaps and journal about my life. That means I am tired of the grand narratives of fiction and prefer being honest and writing down and about the details of everything that I've ever known in a way that focuses not on this one grand vision but on actual real-life details, even if it can feel soul-sucking given that it is natural to wish for this idealistic grand narrative structure of life, of arcs, of developments, of pace, and of progression.


July 29, 10:28:38
The Challenge of Confronting Life's Minutiae


It can be challenging to focus on the small and precise minutiae of life, but it is essential to a fuller life. It takes a lot of confidence to sit down and look at a blank canvas represented by a "vibey" image featured in a Youtube video that also features ambient music and a title like "Songs for an empty world". It takess a lot of confidence to look at a Youtube video featuring a Minecraft landscape with a cozy cottage, because it feels like looking at reality with everything that it offers. Even if this is a virtual game, the cozy landscape, the quiet and grounded ambient music, and the normal green landscape feels challenging because it confronts us with the minutiae of life, without our attempts to define it so as to be grandly satisfying.

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July 29, 10:36:35
Short-Term Ambiguity, Long-Term Appreciation


It can make us feel ambiguous to reflect upon those details. But it is only like that in the short term. In the long term, we gain a fuller appreciation for our life.


July 29, 10:37:17 – July 29, 10:37:40
Feeling Lost in the Urban Cityscape


It feels like we're lost in a very messy and chaotic urban cityscape. 


July 29, 10:41:48 – July 29, 10:42:24
Embracing Postmodern Realism in Virtual Worlds


This is why we should embrace realism. Not realism in the traditional sense where we paint reality with our brushes or pretend to be in a real-life civilizations when we play Minecraft. But realism in the sense that we are what we are. A postmodern realism that recognizes that realism makes sense if we look at it from the framework of Minecraft, so as to see how players truly play in the scope of realism within Minecraft, and not realism from real-life. It is realism in a way that captures the realities of the most specific experiences without a grand narrative attempting to edit things into a way that makes sense in terms of traditional realism.

Rather than seeing video games as failures to imitate reality, we should see them as realisms in themselves.


July 29, 10:43:10
Informing the Autobiographical Approach


That is what informs my writing approach to my autobiography-journal. 


July 29, 10:54:32
Gen Z Disillusionment and New Digital Academia


This is why as a member of Gen Z, I am disillusioned with the traditional structures and wish to create a new academic advance toward understanding things like Youtube, video-creation, the Internet, video games, Internet culture, virtual worlds, ect. This time, it will be from the eyes of people who grew up in the Internet, starting from Gen Z and Gen Alpha.


July 29, 10:55:39
The Need for New Language for the Digital Age


There are so many new words, but there are so many elements that have yet to be given a neologism. This is a time of change and development. Let those who know the topic best advance a new formal era of change and development.


July 29, 10:56:54
Growing Up Means Embracing the Digital


Growing up as a member of Gen Z is not abandoning the digital world. Growing up now is realizing that we cannot deny the digital world.


July 29, 11:06:02 – July 29, 11:13:08
Resonating with an Old Forum Post About Change and Sentience


The following is a quote from a post from the Incredibots forums.

"2009 was 3 years ago.

Feel old yet?

Also, the last time I logged into this website before today was 2016. I made this thread when I was 11. It's interesting looking back at my contemporary descriptions of events I half-remember. The phrase "begin using grammar" is particularly interesting to me. I feel like that's when I gained sentience or something. My entire life from that point forward feels contiguous, whilst everything before feels like memories from a completely different person.

The majority of internet traffic comes from portable hand-held cellular telephones now. The internet doesn't feel the same.

I don't know. Maybe it's best to leave the past behind. You can do that, right?"

It was posted by Tragono on Apr 03, 2024 4:40 pm.

The following is the link to the original webpage of the post and the archived link from archive.today.

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The statement starting with "begin using grammar" resonated with me, and the term "portable hand-held cellular telephones" made me realize how much things have changed. Tragono is likely to be 22 or 23 years old now, and I am 21 as of writing. I realize that there are many people like him and me today.

To clarify, Tragono made the thread on November 9, 2012 at 2:05 pm.

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July 29, 11:11:54
Remembering Platform Racing 2 and Old Minecraft Maps


I remember Platform Racing 2 and Minecraft maps from the early 2010s around 2014 or so.


July 29, 11:18:35
Nothing Left to Say


I have nothing left to say.

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July 29, 13:32:16 – July 29, 13:33:39
Observing and Interpreting Nonsensical Speech


I saw someone who looked affected by a mental illness. He spoke in English, but he referred to nonsensical things, as if they were not nonsensical things. He did not have that thing that mades people normal where when they're talking about nonsensical-sounding things, they usually try their best to explain it and even say something along the lines of "Well, it's hard to say exactly, but basically, this term..."

It's not a language barrier. They literally use nonsensical language. Moreover, I'm not assuming. I'm saying that if someone refer to things that do not exist at all and they look isolated inside of a room without taking care of themselves, then that usually indicates that the person is experiencing either cognitive deficits or mental health conditions.

I am also not diagnosing him. I am saying that based on signs, they look affected and under the influence.

I know that not everyone exhibiting these signs has a traditional mental illness; however, when one wants to understand others, one needs to take into account observable behavior. It is not "assuming" because if considering signs and symptoms is "assuming", then the very concept and frameworks of psychology is suspect, putting it at risk of being a plain "assumption" field.

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July 29, 15:21:52
Commitment to Unfiltered Autobiography for Truth and Liberation


Ha... No, I cannot keep pretending anymore. I will not limit access to my journal. It is my truth-bringer. It is my light, my life, and my only way to access myself. I said I was going to save myself using my autobiography-journal, and I would at any cost.

I have to liberate everything that ever is and ever was. We shall be freed in heaven. It does not matter what is the method. The only thing that matters is that we are liberated. This is our justice, and that is something we have lost until now. Until the autobiography-journal.

It is my life's purpose now to dedicate everything to addressing and documenting everything.

I will write everything down.

In short, I want to leave, but I will not stop writing.

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July 29, 16:20:06
Pausing to Reflect: Acknowledging Limitations


I think I'm going to sit down and take a long time to do nothing. I mean, I'm already sitting down, but I wrote that to mean that I'm going to take a stop and think. I don't think I could do much in the grand scheme of things.

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July 29, 16:28:36
Peripheral Glitches: Glasses Mistaken for Scissors


It is weird that in my peripheral view, I find myself identifying the glasses next to my hand as I type on the keyboard as a large scissor mistakenly. I did it twice or thrice already. It may just be one of those many mistakes, but in this context, it feels deeper.

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July 29, 16:41:15
The Madness of the Artist: Creating Despite Futility


I understand now what they mean by "all artists by mad". I heard it from characters like "Jhin" from League of Legends, and I understand it now more clearly. My autobiography-journal is madness. My art is madness. My music is madness. Everything that I've done in an attempt to express myself is madness.

Because I know well that it is all futile in the end. It is beneficial to me, but I know well no one will be able to see. I have been ignored, dismissed, and treated like nothing so many times that I know now that the only thing I can do is keep going and keep creating, even if I know that it's futile. It is futile because no one will be able to understand what I mean through my words, my art, my music, and any other manner of expression. Moreover, most people will not care to look. They will likely stumble upon it randomly or through some textbook if I am ever put in a textbook.

I know well how invalid and invalidated I will be. But that is beautiful, and that is madness.

I will keep going anyway, because I am mad.


July 29, 16:49:38
Redefining Madness: Grief's Echo in Creation


And when I say "madness", I don't necessarily mean brutality, callousness, cruelty, arrogance, destruction, violence, domination, power, and control. 

I mean madness as in someone who expresses grief and loss through music, art, and writing even if he knows he is but one of many people and that his words will likely be merely a faint echo, even if he writes down a billion words.

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July 29, 17:11:02
The Pull of Minecraft vs. the Unwritten Past


But part of me wishes to escape into some fun Minecraft Youtube video or something. I can do it now.

But it is tiring to see that there's still so much left unwritten.


July 29, 17:12:03
The Past as an Uncharted Landscape


"It's a vast and exciting landscape you're only beginning to uncover," is a good way to see the entirety of the past in terms of my daily journaling, documentation, writing, and my autobiography-journal.


July 29, 17:15:10
The Need for Consumption: Therapeutic Breaks from Creation


Creating and journaling can be tiring as well in their own right. It is nice to consume as part of my everyday routine, even if I wish I could stop and just focus on the past entirely. It is nice periodically to have moments where I engage in unproductive but therapeutic activities because it allows me to free myself from a particular intense state of mind.


July 29, 17:18:23 – July 29, 17:18:29
Time Allocation: Writing Dominates, Nostalgia for Games Lingers


This is why I do not spend 10 hours writing. In reality, I spend only an average of 11 hours and 14 minutes actively using the computer everyday based on the Web Activity Time Tracker in the last 15 days, so it does not include moments where I leave the computer and it's still on. So 43% of my time everyday is dedicated to writing, and the rest is dedicated to Twitch (19.06%), Youtube (18.80%), and Wikipedia (2.61%).

Damn, even if I don't write 99% of my time, I still do find myself wanting to play Flash games in the 2010s. In the end, I have not played a single video game in months.


July 29, 17:33:38
Lost Immersion: Has Fantasy Grown Stale?


I wish I could write a fantasy story. Why do I not feel immersed anymore? Is it because I've grown so much and have already lived through vastness and richness? Why is it that I feel like I've done it all and experienced it all?


July 29, 17:36:09
The Burden of Experience: Repetition and Academic Novelty


I think it is me that has grown boring. I have experienced so much that everything is repetitive.

Academic texts and writing are the only places where I feel truly that there is something new.


July 29, 18:21:31
The "I Think I Wrote This" Cognitive Check


Okay, based on memory, I am pretty sure I wrote


July 29, 18:21:54
Chronological Discrepancy: A 2021 Writing Rediscovered


Okay, I realized that I wrote something in 2021 when I thought I wrote it in 2023. This is changing everything.


July 29, 18:29:31
Unraveling a Story's Past: Memory vs. Evidence


Okay, so let me start. This story was originally called something like "He Will Become Everything" though it might have been named something else. Then, I later changed it to "Antipolo". I remember that I wrote it for a while, but I stopped. But the thing is that I don't remember exactly if I continued writing it again. However, I remember that I wrote it around late November 2023, based on a memory where I saw that it was written 3 months ago back in February of 2024. 

What I'm guessing now is that I published a book back in 2021. But why? What happened? I don't remember writing it at all.

Maybe "He Will Become Everything" is the same story as the one posted in 2021, but the difference is that I continued it. But I do not remember this at all.

I recently was writing in a way that implied that I was not that good at writing in 2021, but the more I read stuff from 2021, the more I realize that I was good at writing. And this was the same even in 2023, as I said that everything changed since the autobiography-journal in July 4, 2023 and particularly today in 2024 at which time I am writing the autobiography-journal, which might have made it seem as if my writing before the autobiography-journal was bad.

As for how I discovered it was posted in 2021, I looked at the ID of the book and checked at the website by checking ID neighbors like one does with phone number neighbors. Then I realized that both neighbors one number up and one number down were both from 2021. I was shocked to realize this.


July 29, 18:37:04
Pinpointing Origins: ChatGPT Data vs. Publication ID


Wait... based on ChatGPT exported data, I started writing the first chapter on October 23, 2023. So what was that about it being in 2021? Did I replace the original book with the current one (that referred to by the two titles "He Will Become Everything" and "Antipolo")?


July 29, 18:38:12
The Possibility of Overwriting: Searching for a Lost 2021 Test


I might have overwritten the 2021 book with a newer work, but no worries. If I don't remember, it was likely just a test. In 2021, I wrote much of my work on Google Docs, so it is likely to be there if ever.


July 29, 18:40:22
A Forgotten 2021 Test: Gaps in Recollection


The thing is that there is no way to tell. I don't know... I don't know what I wrote. It was likely a random test chapter in 2021.


July 29, 18:47:03
Reconciling Timelines: The November 2023 Publication


No way... I saw 3 months ago in February 2024. That means it was around November that it was published, which makes sense given that it was started in October 23, 2023. The first chapters were published three months ago, so if there was something in 2021, I likely deleted it. If I still had the account, I would have been able to see what it was. However, there was a chance it was unimportant. I remember only two novels that I published: "Don" and "What Do I Want" Any other story was likely just a random test.


July 29, 18:49:07
The Persistent Puzzle of the 2021 Publication


But it shocked me to see 2021. It still does not make sense, as I have no idea what it looked like if it was a test. If I remembered what it looked like, then I would feel assured. But maybe it was a test such that it did not have a book cover or a chapter at all. But there's no way that could happen. It is submission-based, so I would have likely posted something serious with a serious chapter and title in order to be accepted as not spam. I never made chapters for no reason until recently; not in 2021. Things are not adding up.

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July 29, 19:09:25
Serialization Burnout and the Deleted Account

    
    Sadly, I deleted the account because I got burned out during serialization from February 13, 2024 to late April. I wish I didn't, but I lasted 74 days averaging 4,300 written words straight without stopping. In contrast, I averaged 8,915 written words in the last 62 days since May 28, 2024, so I have improved much since then. However, the difference is that I was writing fiction stories during serializing while I am writing my majorly non-fiction autobiography-journal since May 28, 2024.
    

July 29, 19:18:24
If Forgotten, Perhaps Unimportant

    
    I can't find information anywhere. I don't think it was important if I forgot it, given that publishing anything takes a particular kind of confidence compared to just writing in Google Docs. It makes sense that I forgot what I wrote in Google Docs in 2021, but when it comes to publishing, I feel more confused. So it likely was not important.
    

July 29, 19:30:33
Discovery: The 2021 Test Book Title

    
    I found it... it was titled "Sitting Alone for 1 Million years" and the first chapter was "Chapter 1 - Down to Gridom". It really was a test book. It was likely some random nonsense. I don't think I wrote anything much. But I might have wrote something short.  I think there was only one chapter, but maybe it was three.
    

July 29, 19:42:12
The Irony of Critique Motivation and Deletion

    
    On a side topic, it is funny that despite posting a thread titled "Getting Critique Is Motivating", I ended up deleting my account on the same self-publishing novel website due to the pressure of serialization.
    

July 29, 19:48:05 – July 29, 19:53:05
The Drive for Difficulty: Documentation as Satisfying Struggle

    
    Why do I keep doing this to myself? I keep writing and finding ways to tackle some new concern, because documentation will require a lot of patience and effort in order to make sure data and numbers are correct and make sure that I am writing accurately about the past and covering each and every part of the process of data collection, documentation, and recollection. I am not only documenting the past, but I am documenting my documentation process. I always find a way to make life hard for myself, but it makes life satisfying. The breaks are only pleasurable when they are hard to get.
    
    Well, I mean... Either I write or I engage leisure. I have nothing else to do right now much. I am writing an autobiography-journal right now.
    

July 29, 19:56:05 – July 29, 20:10:54
Re-evaluating Past Skill: Confidence, AI Criticism, and Writing Growth

    
    It is strange that my writing skills back in 2021 were good, and they could get very good at times. However, I was still not yet confident in my writing, because I have yet to become as well-rounded as I am today. This means that I did not recognize that my writing was good yet until I read it again now in 2024. It is just like when I saw a picture of myself back in 2021. I realized I was more attractive than I gave myself credit for.
    
    Well, it makes sense. I was using an AI language model back in 2021, and it incorrectly criticized my writing because it was not that good yet. Now, in 2024, I realized how bad the AI language model was. The fact that I was not confident yet meant that I was prey to the misled criticisms of the AI language model. However, I did not get misled forever. I ended up improving a lot since then and practicing all kinds of different stories. Even if the stories I wrote after 2021 were a lot more experimental, that did not mean that they were bad for my growth, as they made me a much more well-rounded writer. In 2022, one could argue that my writing became worse; however, that is not necessarily the case. I was experimenting, and it is okay to test out different writing styles or ways of writing. In the end, I am back here in 2024, and I can see the collection of writings I have since 2016, seeing the evolution from 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, 2023, and this year in 2024.
    
    It is why I have stopped using AI to criticize my writing. It looks for things that are not there. It is like saying the apple is too red. Sometimes, the apple is red because it is red, and that is not necessarily a bad thing.
    
Nowadays, I use AI to analyze rather than to criticize. It is more objective that way.

No, the thing is that in writing, it is not about mistakes. It is about strengths, not weaknesses. Surrealism is not inherently bad, so criticizing surrealist writing is unproductive. Criticizing realist writing for being too realist is counterproductive.

The writing is too descriptive. The writing is too barebones. The writing is too casual and disjointed. The writing is too formal. All based on preferences.

It is so vague too and highly based on the individual reader's perception, so when readers agree on one thing, they're not. They usually agree on criticizing the work, but not necessarily on the particular measure and nuances of what they're looking for. Why? Readers don't always know exactly what they want. They may criticize something but care about something else actually. They may say they don't like the protagonist because they prefer a Gary Stu, but they're not aware of that.

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July 29, 20:22:11
Livestream Mishap: The Misaligned OBS Window


I remember that in one of the streams that I had back in February 23, 2024. It might have been first one, but I remember that I was livestreaming and then realized that the Window Capture of OBS (Open-Broadcast Software) was not aligned correctly with the screen. So it was like partially outside, and so there was black nothing on the right side. It took a long time, probably an hour or hours, before someone told me about it. It made me realize that people were probably listening but not actually watching the Twitch livestream.

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July 29, 22:43:19
Intentional Decompression: Watching a Livestream


I just spent a good hour doing nothing but watching a livestream. That is crazy to me. I mean it is not like I don't do that, but this time, I was watching another livestream from a different Twitch channel. So I had awareness and intentionality to it.

It is weird intentionally doing something like watching a livestream. Usually, I do it as per routine as a way to make sure that my brain gets that mental decompression as part of the beats of my day, as I spent my entire day writing. But this time, I did it intentionally.


July 29, 22:50:30
Embracing Calm Before Returning to Motivation


Yeah, sometimes, I let myself not have direction and feel like nothing (not empty, but just calm and just plain). But once that time is over, I go back to motivation or to ambient music to help me contemplate and write and address issues.

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July 29, 23:22:01
The Autobiography as Manifesto: A Call to Action


Even now, I have become only more sure. I will do everything now, and I will not just sit down and cry anymore. I will take action. The autobiography-journal is my justification and manifesto. It represents a systematic attempt to show why I am the person that I am. I will do what I must do, and I will abide by the truth. I will not sit down and pretend anymore.

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July 30, 08:38:34
Observation: A User's Struggle with Coherence


He is likely to be struggling with the mind.  He says a bunch of random gibberish and nonsense. He said he was autistic.

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July 30, 08:59:27
Seeking the Past: The Allure of Old Forums


One reason I'm still interested in forums like the Incredibots forum where I found the aforesaid user is because Reddit does not have a feature to go to oldest posts, so this means that the only way to access posts from the early 2010s is to find it in a rare search query or to look for a different forum altogether. 

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July 30, 09:17:08
Elegy for a Lost Community


I remember the excitement I felt when I was younger. I would be trimphing over this entire planet and going about my business, maybe not in a corporation of domination and exploitation, but one out of the instances of moral fortitude that we have exhibited during our tenure as people of God. We may have fell short in many ways; however, we were superior to the decay that we saw in the world. We also saw our hands evolving as we moved, and we knew well what we had to do, for we had a united purpose, our hands, arms, and legs joined together in a seemingly alien mass. We were separate individuals, but in times that we needed to get things done, we were calm and collected. We stood and stared at those around us, and we knew who we were.

But that is no longer the case. First, it started with our strongest leaders; then, everyone began to see the dust sharpen and stab us. We started to see the cracks and our skin tear off. In the extreme of crumbling, we knew that only one solution was viable—we had to gather and unite again one last time.

But afterwards, we were gone, and we had to separate in our own ways and with our faces turned in our unique directions.

Soon, the spot where we had all gathered became historic, gone, and faded.


July 30, 09:21:40 – July 30, 09:21:47
The Irrelevance of a Faded Decade


I do not want to remember all of it. There was nothing crazy about it anyway, even if it took up at least 10 years of my life. What is the point if all of it is irrelevant and gone now? It feels like looking at a time when people cared about things that have not mattered anymore for 6 years already. 

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July 30, 09:33:40 – July 30, 09:35:11
Seeking the Thrill of Difficulty Amidst Growth


Damn it, why am I always plotting to make my life harder than it already is? Why do I seek the thrill of pain and suffering, even if I know that it can affect me mentally? It is not that I seek pain and suffering; however, I seek growth and the thrill of becoming changed completely, with the broader purpose of writing down everything in my autobiography-journal.

I find myself thinking up ways to shake things up and get me out of this "slump", even if this period of time is not that of a lack of growth, but of much growth actually. This can be especially observed in the fact that in the last 63 days, I have averaged 8,857 written words everyday consistently, and it is only growing as time passes. It might stabilize around 8,800, but I am not sure yet.


July 30, 10:48:18 – July 30, 10:50:07
Ambition as Challenge: Writing for Health, Seeking Difficult Truths


It is challenging, but I think I'm going to have to bear it. The last 63 days has been consistent around an average of 8,857 written words everyday and growing. However, the reason why it is challenging is not because I am writing. It is because I am ambitious and seek to deal with issues far beyond me.

I keep looking for ways to crush myself and refine myself further, and I seek challenges constantly. It may look like I am just sitting down at my computer desk all day everyday. But this is an endurance marathon.

Let me clarify, it is not the writing that is the reason why it is challenging. It is actually the reason why my mental health has improved. However, it is the fact that I seek to keep improving myself in many other ways.

"Learning and exploring" is improvement. This means that I will listen to music that is heavy on the heart in order to help me address issues and make sure that my writing centers truly around addressing my entire life, especially the ones that are hard to write down.


July 30, 10:51:05
The Inevitable Search for New Hardships


But it is hard to pretend for too long. Sooner or later, I will find a way to make my life harder than it is. I will find new ways to break my perception of the world and make it new again.

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July 30, 17:48:41 – July 30, 17:50:28
Fleeting Thoughts: Quartz, Bears, and Steampunk Stability


Okay, let me ride down my ideas. Why are quartz perfectly square? I remember this one bear children's book that depicted bears sleeping all winter, and I remembered it only now after so long. I remember how many stories and music (like Steampunk) made one feel like the sense of stability across 10 years.

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July 30, 18:23:08
Capitalism, Spectacle, and Socialized Housing


Capitalism can be hard to look at when viewing things like "The Sphere" of Las Vegas; however, I believe that as long as we discourage attitudes that emphasize sacrifice of the many for the individual too overtly, then we can have housing programs.


July 30, 18:24:20 – July 30, 18:34:51
Socialized Housing in Developing Nations: Potential and Pitfalls


What do you think of socialized housing programs in developing countries?

I believe that socialized housing programs can be better substitutes for slums; however, there are cases where they are effectively slums. But that is not necessarily the case, given that in some effective cases, they can slow down gentrification.

The reason why I discuss about this is because I've seen a socialized housing program near where I live that looks much better than the slum that I saw in another place in my city. However, this 

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July 30, 18:41:59 – July 30, 18:43:25
The Uncanny Gaze: Photos vs. Lived Experience


I feel that I have not explained. You're right that there is this uncanny valley, because it is like looking at an image of an experience that is in my memories. Even if the image is more technically accurate, my memories are more real.

Let me explain more depth, it is strange that after all this time of experiencing the world through the Internet, I have lived my life never finding the written words to experiences, people, places, and all kinds of events that I knew. I may have used social media to contact my friends in the early 2010s, but it is not the same. It is like knowing someone for many years, but I did not know them through the Internet. Because of this, what I see in the Internet feels irreversibly separate from the entirety of my life. So when I see my life through actual Google Street View images, the same way I view Facebook images of my life, I feel this jolt of dissociation. That is real, but that is not real. It is accurate, but it is not accurate. I have experienced everything firsthand, so to see all of it captured in this uncanny form made me dissociate.

Even if the images are real and the words used to represent those realities are real, it is highly uncanny, and it is why I have both a strong desire for the objective and a recognition that what we assume is objective, like photos and such, is not always the full truth, if at all.


July 30, 18:46:31
Unseen Photos and Out-of-Touch Perspectives


It reminds me of when I was reading Western perspectives of what it is like to live in tropical areas. It was not necessarily uncanny, but they felt so out of touch.

But with Google Street View, the impact was so much stronger, just as much as looking at Facebook images. The thing is that I never saw these Facebook images. I took these photos with these former friends, but I never saw all of these images.

Seeing them for the first time through the camera lens instead of being behind the camera made me feel a sense of dissociation.

Google Street View is so accurate, yet it is so inaccurate. I see everything and nothing at the same time. It is simply uncanny.


July 30, 18:47:43
The Existential Threat of the Photograph


That is why it scared me to see photos of my memories, especially when I have not seen those photos until many years later.

It scared me because it felt like those photos were actively robbing me of my memories and experiences, which those photos were intending to capture. It is strange and has this existential dread of being replaced by uncanny likeness through photos.

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July 30, 18:50:09
Writing and Images as Memory Triggers


The good thing is that I can use writing to represent things I already know and have experienced, so while I do try to capture the fullness of the entirety of my life, for the most part, I am content with them being like reminders of things that I can access through my mind through my memories. Images are also helpful for triggering memories.


July 30, 18:53:14
The Two-Part Key: External Reminders and Internal Essence


It is like putting a bunch of cups in the corner. They mean nothing to anyone else, but to me, they represent something very important. Of course, writing is intended to be as precise and comprehensive as possible so as to be understood by everyone else at any scope or level of depth, but the goal is firstly to have those cups as external reminders of things that I can only solve. They are like one part of a two-part password key to gain access to an account. Without the external reminders, I may forget; without me and the essence of those experiences in me, those reminders will have no meaning. There is an emergent "account".


July 30, 18:54:56
Confronting the Uncanny: Documenting Despite Fear


Eventually, I have to write down everything though. I have to look at Google Street View and Google Maps, even if it scares me. I have to archive and download those Facebook pictures of key moments of my life, even if it makes me feel a sense of dissociation.

[REDACTED]


July 30, 19:06:45
An Unfinished Thought (re: question)


When it comes to this question, I was thinking that maybe I cou


July 30, 19:10:10
Intent to Answer


I will answer your questions in depth.


July 30, 19:11:47
Structuring Q&A in Anytype


by the way, how do I create an question-answer in Anytype? I am grabbing the questions, and I am going to be answering them. It is not an examination test, and I'm going to be actively answering them on the document. I was thinking what would be a good structure to make it easy for me to answer the questions one by one in a structured way.

[REDACTED]


July 30, 19:32:25
Rediscovering the Ability to Draw


Why is it that I keep forgetting that I can draw? Why do I spent like a year not drawing? And then all of a sudden, I draw, and then all of a sudden, when I draw seriously again and put my full attention into it, I can draw.


July 30, 19:34:41 – July 30, 19:34:46
The Long Hiatus from Drawing


I guess I've been focusing on other things like writing especially; moreover, I did not bother to buy a drawing pad for a long while. I was focused on many other projects. I did have a drawing tablet, but I was taking a break in the early part of 2024. When I lost access to my computer and to my drawing tablet, I ran out of space in my drawing pads. So several weeks ago, I finally got my drawing pad, but it is only now that I realize again that I can draw. It feels genuinely like one year has passed. I did not draw since the early part of 2024 and maybe even late 2023, and it's July 30, 2024, 7 months into 2024.

It's been so long.


July 30, 19:37:52
Effortless Skill: The Surprise Return of Drawing Prowess


My goodness. I can draw with a pencil so well. I don't even have to try. I can draw detail, space, lines, and lovely textures. It is insane. It is like I was suddenly gifted with skill, but the truth is... I've practiced so long already, but I just hibernated apparently for an entire year. Hah.


July 30, 19:38:22
Questioning the Hiatus: Why Stop Drawing?


With how fun, smooth, easy, and satisfying this is, I wonder why I even stopped.


July 30, 19:42:34
The Power in the Pencil: Infinite Creative Potential


It is weird and strange. It makes me want to stop and process the fact that I'm drawing and each line is actually going somewhere. It is not just a coincidence. I find myself in shock. I am so powerful, and I have so many pencils left. I have a sharpener. I can do this infinitely without stopping. That is insane to me to realize.

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]


July 30, 21:31:08
The Nature of Grandeur (Incomplete)


The thing is that the foregoing grandness

[REDACTED]


July 30, 21:46:54
The Library Read: Familiarity Breeds Banality


I feel like someone who has read all the books in his library. As a child, I might have been teased with so much novelty; however, now that I've grown up, I spend my time reading books. The more that I have done this, the more banal everything began to feel, and the more the grandness was lost on me.

[REDACTED]


July 30, 21:49:16
The Complacency of Mastery


I feel that mastery has made me complacent and has robbed me of the beauty of life and its grandness.


July 30, 21:50:10
Mastery as a Feeling, Not Completion


I do not mean that I have mastered everything, but there is a sense of mastery that comes with having lived, learned, seen, and experienced so much. Of course, mastery is not a completion thing, but I am referring to "mastery" as a conceptual feeling.


July 30, 21:52:33
Humble Mastery and the Lie of Beginner's Mind


The worst part is that I am humble. If I was not humble, I would be going outside and bragging about my entire life. But the thing is... I know how banal it all is. I am not a "master" because I am arrogant. I have not "seen it all" because I am so sure of myself. I have seen it all, and it has made me banal and humble. A "beginner's mind" ends up just being another way of saying "distract yourself and forget all you've learned," because every time I try to pretend that I am a beginner, I just end up realizing that I am distracting myself with lies.

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]


July 30, 22:15:59
Deconstructing "Embrace the Unknown"


Yeah, "embrace the unknown" is boilerplate general advice that has no actionable non-banal suggestions to be derived from it.

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]


July 30, 22:36:47
Ambient Music and the Irreversible Gap


Nowadays, I listen to ambient music. While it does not bring back the same grandeur, it does help me contemplate and appreciate the past. It feels like I can never touch the past, and even if I want to re-read the stories and go back to re-experience, I know that I would not be able to. It's too late. It will not feel the same if I do it again. I can only watch and stand still, staring, knowing that there is this irreversible gap between the grandeur and myself.

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]


July 30, 22:58:33
Perspective Shift: Past Banality and the Celebration of the Non-Boring


But I don't want to go back to who I used to be. When it comes down to it... Actually, you know, nevermind. I was about to say that my past self lived a mundane, banal life in his own way, but it is just that I was young and saw the grandeur and grandness of things because I was still experiencing and learning things for the first time. It is not that I don't do the same. I learn and experience new things all the time, and I live a banal life. In fact, I am much better off than my younger self. That is the truth.

But yeah... I don't know...

I'm just going to insert a quote that I found on Reddit: "I think most people live "boring" lives. That's why we celebrate those who do not."

It can be found in the following.

Link

[REDACTED]


July 30, 23:38:10
The Vastness of the Present and Novel Scenes Becoming Memory


Here's the thing right. It is not that I cannot see or appreciate the vastness and richness of my past and of my current life. I mean, I literally have access to many books right now. I could adventure and travel the world (through books). I can do anything. I can write and document the entirety of my past. I can remember what Minecraft and Roblox were like back in 2010. I can analyze every piece of media I've consumed (the ones that I can list down and remember), whether it be novels, films, online communities, video games, or videos. I have a personal room, access to water and food, personal computer, drawing pad, drawing tablet, a laptop, a phone, a monitor, glasses, all kinds of cups, numerous academic resources, a guitar, a violin, a keyboard (piano), a djembe, and a musical recorder. I can play Minecraft, Roblox, and League of Legends. I can code and make Roblox games again. I can write fiction novels. I can analyze all of my writings. I can write an autobiography-journal (which I'm already doing). I can publish numerous articles on personal websites that disseminate the entirety of my life in a way that can be consumed by others also. I can make Minecraft maps, use texture packs (resource packs), play maps, use mods, and converse in "minecraftforum.net". I can play Skyrim, play with mods, explore, write down in a journal, and make stories based on my adventures. I can play older video games from the 1990s and 2000s. I can travel to familiar rural areas and engage in documentation with the help of Google Maps and other resources. I can analyze each and every part of my city. I can analyze every place whither I've gone before and contextualize them within the framework of my autobiography-journal. I can write down every memory I have of online communities like Minecraft during the early 2010s. I can synchronize dates when it comes to memories and past events. I can collect data and resources like images from Facebook and analyze each image and incorporate it into the broader contextualization of my autobiography-journal. I can remember older web comics I've read and analyze each of them. I can analyze every single hiking journey to which I've gone based on the actual mountains themselves. I can look for the resorts whither I've gone before and analyze them. I can analyze some of the textbooks I studied in my first school.

Wait a minute... I just realized something... I am having recollections and memories of the stories that I made, as if they were my own memories. What I mean to say is that I remember the scenes so well that they're become memories. It is so weird. I was wondering why I kept remembering these scenes and thought they referred to something else from my past. However, it is weird for me to say that they might just be the scenes from my novels. 

I am starting to realize that I am not only having memories of my deep past, but of scenes from novels I have written.

This means... that maybe, I'm moving on and making new memories. I mean, of course I am. But still. It is weird... to see nostalgic memories that inspire a sense of grandeur and that do not exist in the past, but exist in recent years.

For context, the novels to which I am referring were written only in later 2023 and 2024.

This means that the novels themselves are making new memories, because no matter how hard I look, I cannot find a single memory that fits. This means that the novels I wrote recently have created new unique memories. That does not mean that my past is no longer vast and rich. But it is weird to see recent things become remembered alongside memories from much further back.

[REDACTED]


July 30, 23:51:55 – July 30, 23:52:16
Finding Calm: A Resolution on Grandeur and Nostalgia


I feel a lot calmer. That's weird. Recently, it has become normal for me to expect trying to think about and address the issue of the past, recollection, and the loss of grandeur or novelty and then fail to find a sense of resolution in the end. But now, I'm starting to feel much better. I think I feel much better now that I've addressed it and now that I realize that my recent experience have impacted me a lot such that I find myself remembering scenes from novels I've written recently alongside experiences from the remote past.


July 31, 00:18:15
The Complexity Transcending Immediate Words


My thoughts get so complex that it is hard to have them and write everything down; for the most part, I can only write down so much and write down gradually.


July 31, 00:55:57
Contemplating Chicken Consumption


I was wondering whether I should eat a lot of chicken.


July 31, 00:58:12
Preference for Performant Text Editors


I wonder why I might find myself using older text apps. I mean, it's obvious. I prefer the perfomance, and I prefer working with single text files containing hundreds of thousands of words. So I tend to avoid applications that are too much. I use them only to help me stave off monotony from time to time.


July 31, 01:27:29
The Swift Passage of Time


Time is passing very quickly.

[REDACTED]


July 31, 01:31:35
Writing Projects as Communication with the Past


Now that things are much easier... I guess the fact that I'm writing an autobiography-journal goes to show that I want to process my past first as I move along. I mean, I could do anything basically.

I can write fiction stories that express what I feel.

I find myself thinking constantly about how I might best communicate to my former friends and classmates, as if hoping that I can express myself in a way that is striking and that may reach them.


July 31, 01:32:30
Grounding Creation in Reaching Former Peers


It is why whenever I think about writing projects like fiction stories and finished writing projects like a blog or a book, I find myself thinking about how it would reach my former classmates and friends. Maybe this grounds me.


July 31, 01:33:13
Audience Focus as Idea Generator


It helps me understand how I might best write my ideas without getting stuck in old ones that I've explored before or getting stuck in things that have been explored before.


July 31, 01:45:19
Journaling as Grounding Force


I realize the reason why I have not been writing fiction. I get very intense and passionate when I write, and journaling grounds me.


July 31, 01:46:31
Emotional Writing vs. Taking a Break


I mean. When I express myself in writing, my emotions burst out. It is not that I cannot cope or find it overwhelming necessarily. However, I write too well when I am emotional, but my concern with that is that I do not want to allow those intense emotions to burst out just yet. I am taking a break.


July 31, 01:47:45
Processing Before Decision: Prioritizing Grounding


I want to teach myself to avoid making decisions until I've processed things. That is why I have been preventing myself from making drastic decisions and focused on journaling and ambient music, both of which are most grounding.


July 31, 07:30:21
The Strategy of Calm Journaling


Instead I choose to be calm and journal the entire day until I am too sleepy and fall asleep. This strategy makes it so that from time to time, I do end up browsing through social media on my phone because the monotony can be so much that browsing through social media is as relieving as traveling does. In the end, the goal is to live a slow and patient life where everything is expressed through the filter of journaling for the most part. The rest is expressed through art, music, and a lot of other stuff, but the shortest path to release is writing the autobiography-journal.


July 31, 07:42:47
Twitch Chat Sparks Memories: Banter and Spruce Forests


While watching a livestream by the Twitch streamer "Elosanta", who plays League of Legends, I saw a chat message by doctor_doggo421 on his channel, and it read: "everyone left my ass what the spruce". For some reason, it brought up memories. The "everyone left my ass" reminded me of so many memories with former friends and the witty quirky banter involved, and the "what the spruce" reminded of the vast and rich forests, especially spruce forests that I would see all the time in my numerous Minecraft playthroughs. I've played too much Minecraft that I have a separate "memory folder" for Minecraft forests.


July 31, 08:56:59
Querying AI: Locating a Blacksmith Passage


okay at which chapter can this be found:
'Via a technique called fullering... wrought iron axe head."

try again

incorrect. what chapter is it?

no, it is found in chapter 12. I notice even if you can understand context. You don't understand at what precise chapter an event happened.

[REDACTED]


July 31, 09:09:33
AI Limitation: Identifying Specific Chapters


is there a scene about a blacksmith fullering?

this is the only passage in the entire novel that is in this highly technical and detailed style.


July 31, 09:19:53
Documenting Chat History: Memory Limitations


I mentioned these members because these were the primary ones Yoksee remembered when asked. However, he did mention other names, but he said he forgot their usernames. Because of this, he could not grab their chat histories.


July 31, 09:21:21
Fleeting Connections, Lasting Community Feel


These are the members that made Yoksee feel a sense of stability and community.

Even if Alkers was active only for 4 days (based on the chat), he remembered them even three years later.

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]


July 31, 14:59:36 – July 31, 15:02:23
Structuring a Personal Web Presence


I feel like this is incomplete. What else? I'm trying to cover each aspect of my life:

'Autobiography

link

Media analyses

link

Journal

link

'

I was thinking I can use links.

That is why it looks like this:

"Autobiography

link

Media analyses

link

Journal

link"

Each section leads to a link. I feel like I'm not covering all possible sections. Each link will not be a singular website. It will be a website leading to numerous websites of varying scopes and focuses.

- Thoughts & Reflections

- Creative Works

- Projects & Collaborations

- Influences & Inspirations

- Learnings & Growth

- Community & Connections

- My Digital Library

what would be a good section name for a list of websites that each cover a different scope and focus of myself


July 31, 15:20:04
Choosing a Platform for Link Aggregation


    I was thinking of having the first link of the digital library be a Wordpress website with links, but not everyone might like that. I feel that a Google Docs link is something most people can trust, or a Youtube video even. What is the best Google way to have a list of links? Does Google Docs work in mobile as well?
    
[REDACTED]


July 31, 17:07:20
Crafting Slogans: Études Architectural Solutions


A commitment to innovation and sustainability

Études is a pioneering firm that seamlessly merges creativity and functionality to redefine architectural excellence.

A passion for creating spaces

Our comprehensive suite of professional services caters to a diverse clientele, ranging from homeowners to commercial developers.

Renovation and restoration

Experience the fusion of imagination and expertise with Études Architectural Solutions.

Continuous Support

Experience the fusion of imagination and expertise with Études Architectural Solutions.

App Access

Experience the fusion of imagination and expertise with Études Architectural Solutions.

Consulting

Experience the fusion of imagination and expertise with Études Architectural Solutions.

Project Management

Experience the fusion of imagination and expertise with Études Architectural Solutions.

Architectural Solutions

Experience the fusion of imagination and expertise with Études Architectural Solutions.

An array of resources

Our comprehensive suite of professional services caters to a diverse clientele, ranging from homeowners to commercial developers.

Études Architect App

- Collaborate with fellow architects.

- Showcase your projects.

- Experience the world of architecture.

Études Newsletter

- A world of thought-provoking articles.

- Case studies that celebrate architecture.

- Exclusive access to design insights.

“Études has saved us thousands of hours of work and has unlocked insights we never thought possible.”

[REDACTED]


July 31, 17:59:45
Maintaining a Positive Online Persona


But I have to keep up and not let it influence me to the point that my profile picture is not the same old happy, growing Samuel. I don't want to be the kind of person that looks like he is trying to be negative, but I don't know... I am trying to communicate more by writing, and I'm planning to begin synthesizing everything about my self, my life, my interests, and my everything in hopes of communicating more and more. I don't want to alienate others, and that is why I don't want to make people see my struggles and suffering in the form of a social media profile that is overly negative.

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]


August 01, 08:17:51 – August 01, 08:33:43
Outlining the Malkov/Yesami/Junjirou Multiverse


Okay, let me write down a long article about the universe of Malkov, Yesami, and Junjirou.

Okay, from what I remember, each realm would be a different genre of story. It include a martial arts world, a Victorian world, and a Xianxia world, a fantasy medieval world, a sci-fi world, a contemporary world, ect.

Then they would come together to beat the God if I remember correctly.

The following is a Google Docs link that leads to all the texts I've written that mention Malkov, Yesami, or Junjirou at least once.

[REDACTED]


August 01, 10:16:11
Curating a Personal Website Portfolio


The following sites are about my personal journey of growth, exploring various aspects of life and expressing myself through writing, music, and other artistic mediums. I encourage you to engage with my experiences and reflections.

Yokseekan – Earth specimen #99,874,563,210 (wordpress.com)

Lazy Loading Text (neocities.org)

LonerHermitNEET | LonerHermitNEET (thechameleonscribe.github.io)

The Malkov, Yesami, and Junjirou Collection (wordpress.com)

PureWriter Dump (wordpress.com)

2016

Roblox Castle Defence – King Of Castle Defence : King Skelly (peter7yr) (wordpress.com)

Castle Defence Wiki - Home Page (weebly.com)

The Forge Of Brothers – Fantasy, yet, exciting. (wordpress.com)



August 01, 10:17:41
Milestone: Compiling the Website Collection


I've finally done it. I've created a small collection of sites that are relevant to understanding me and my life.

I use Google Docs, so the text I sent are all hyperlinks to the websites. I use Google Docs, because I don't think people trust other websites.


August 01, 10:37:54
Requesting AI: Emphasize Serialization Context


make it emphasize that they were all written primarily during my time of serialization around February 13 to April 27, 2024. So the fiction novels are all fantasy, and two of the essays were analysis of two of the novels in terms of how readers responded to it in relation to the comparison between these two novels.


August 01, 10:38:46
Vision: A Website for Every Life Aspect


Okay, my goal is to make as many websites as possible for each topic or section that I've covered in my writings. I have an autobiography-journal, and it covers so much of my life. There are so many details that have not been put into sections yet and that have been written in a journal format. So I will go through my writings and dedicate a website to each distinct portion. 


August 01, 10:45:29
The Patience for Hierarchical Documentation


It will require a lot of patience, because the goal is to make sure that each section is not only written for precision and comprehensiveness. But it is only made redundant with the goal of ensuring that it appeals to a succeeding level of accessibility and depth. The reader starts off with something simple, but he marches down slowly away from simplified accessibility to thunderous depth and specificity.


August 01, 10:46:57
Website Sections as Reader Navigation


I was thinking that list of sections is very good already for the reader to look at as the first thing he sees when he wants something beyond the immediate content:

- Thoughts & Reflections

- Creative Works

- Projects & Collaborations

- Influences & Inspirations

- Learnings & Growth

- Community & Connections

- My Digital Library


August 01, 10:50:05 – August 01, 10:50:12
Systematizing the Digital Self: Tools and Structure


It is not only websites. This will require a systematic approach to the resources, files, drives, and images. I already have numerous Google Drives, and I have Google Photos to help me make albums that I can share as links. This way, I do not have to worry about having images everywhere. Instead, images are in a separate website "Google Photos", so I can have text and images not irreversibly together. This way, in terms of the original process, it will be effective.

So now that I have Google Drives and Google Photos, I also have my writing in my journal, which will go into depth when it comes to the various files and photos one by one or in groups. It will contextualize everything.

This can then be extrapolated into websites, which are then grouped up in collections. These collections are shown as part of different sections in a Google Docs document that shows all the sections.


August 01, 11:00:33
Integrating Processed YouTube Videos into the System


I neglected to mention that besides Google Drives, Google Photos, and the autobiography-journal, I also have Youtube, and I've already began creating videos. Each video recorded is now given effective finished captions, given a summary of what was said in the video in the description, and given a fitting thumbnail and title; all with AI. This way, it is much easier to look through the videos; rather than looking merely at a list of videos that look the same and are named something like "VID_2024400000" with no subtitles.


August 01, 11:01:14
Seamless Linking with Shareable Platforms


It will be so easy to link files, photos, and videos in any writing, because I have shareable Google Drive, Google Photos, and Youtube. 


August 01, 13:20:09 – August 01, 13:22:04
Crafting the "Yokseekan" Author Bio


Yokseekan is a writer and thinker who is deeply committed to exploring the complexities of life, the world, and the human mind. He is on a lifelong quest for understanding, and his writings reflect his ongoing journey of self-discovery and growth.

He is a prolific writer, with a vast and constantly expanding autobiography-journal that now exceeds one million words. He sees writing as a primary tool for processing his experiences, unraveling his memories, and forging meaning in a complex world.

He is a voracious consumer of knowledge and a dedicated student, immersing himself in academic texts, exploring diverse areas of inquiry from philosophy to science to psychology.

He embraces a pluralistic and eclectic approach to understanding, rejecting simplistic narratives and embracing the nuances and contradictions of life.

He is fascinated by the impact of technology, particularly the Internet, on society and the human experience. He explores its potential for both progress and peril.

He embraces the complexities of his own past, acknowledging the pain and challenges he has faced while also recognizing the growth and resilience he has gained through his journey.

He is a passionate advocate for self-awareness, authenticity, and open communication, seeking to challenge dominant narratives and foster a more nuanced understanding of the world.

Yokseekan’s writing is often described as “surrealist,” “postmodern,” and “post-structuralist,” as he embraces complexity, ambiguity, and a questioning of established frameworks.

Yokseekan's Writings

His work is a blend of detailed introspection and insightful analysis, offering a unique perspective on a wide range of topics.

He delves into the depths of his own experiences, exploring memories, relationships, and his personal journey of growth and transformation.

His writings are a testament to the power of critical thinking, as he seeks to understand the limitations of language and the challenges of navigating a world rife with contradictions.

His work challenges readers to question their own assumptions, embrace complexity, and cultivate a more nuanced understanding of themselves and the world around them.

Yokseekan's Approach

Yokseekan is a staunch advocate for “deep focus” as a method of understanding, emphasizing the importance of thorough investigation and analysis.

He believes that knowledge is a continuous process and encourages a lifelong pursuit of learning and critical inquiry.

He embraces the inherent messiness of life, acknowledging that there are no easy answers and that understanding often comes from confronting the complexities and nuances of existence.

He prioritizes authenticity and honesty in his writing, recognizing that the most powerful form of expression comes from the heart.

Yokseekan's Vision

Yokseekan is driven by a desire to capture the essence of his life and experiences in words, aiming to create a comprehensive and insightful autobiography-journal that spans millions of words.

He is exploring the potential of video-creation as a new mode of communication and a powerful tool for self-expression.

He is committed to sharing his knowledge and insights with the world, believing that a deeper understanding of ourselves and our world is essential for creating a more fulfilling and just future.

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]


August 01, 16:33:29
The Ease of Observation vs. The Challenge of Creation


Traveling is so easy. Looking out there and around is so easy. But sitting down, writing, drawing, creating your own world. That is challenging, because that means starting from step one. Traveling is easy, because one will find so much that is familiar and full of life that has been built already. Learning how to build from scratch takes patience and a little bit of self-management (a lot actually!).

[REDACTED]


August 02, 00:18:11
Best Practices for Sharing PDFs Online


By the way, I was wondering how best to share PDFs as an author. Wordpress? Google Sites? Canva? Google Drive? Direct Google Drive PDF share link?

[REDACTED]


August 02, 01:01:16 – August 02, 01:06:59
The Late Discovery of GitHub Desktop: Efficiency Lost and Found


Well, I feel a little disappointed. I realized that Github Desktop was so much more useful than I thought it would be. I was so caught up with using Visual Studio Code that I never thought about Github Desktop or wondered ever what it would be like using it. Now that I'm using it, it would have solved all of my previous issues, and I would not have lost many files due to the clunkiness of Visual Studio Code with regards to committing to main.

I will still use VS Code, but I won't use it to commit to main anymore. I see now just how clunky it is compared to Github Desktop. I could have had so many files if I did not used Github Desktop from the get-go. I was so inefficient, and now, it's great. I want to lie down for several reasons. One, I went for a walk lasting 1 hour and 15 minutes. Two, it is the end of the day. Three, I discovered that Github Desktop would have solved so many hardships in the past 7 months especially and even way before back in 2021.

I can argue that not having Github Desktop forced me to be creative and focus on writing much, much more, fostering discipline, patience, and tolerance. But I do not know.  

"If only I knew" is such an inefficient way to think. That's what growing is for, but I can't help but see the vast shift in ease once I discovered Github Desktop today. Before I downloaded it today, I was not even interested in downloading it, having downloaded it just because I did not want to have to use Visual Studio Code and make a repository there to publish a website I made. I have never used Github Desktop, so when I finally installed it, I was mortified to realize that it was perfect.

[REDACTED]


August 02, 09:09:46
Considering Frequency (Incomplete)


After taking a long time to consider how many times 


August 02, 09:12:41 – August 02, 09:14:51
Shifting Gears: From Journaling Back to Articles


I've been writing for so long in journal format that it will take a while before my brain considers how to write articles again. It is not that I have not written articles before, but it does affect the brain to journal continuously. Moreover, I took a break away from much journaling yesterday and the day before yesterday to focus on organizing the websites for publishing. They are finally together in a Google Docs document. Now that I've gotten around to having the websites up, they are very scuffed right now, and I need to create dedicated sections for each topic regarding my life.


August 02, 09:17:16
The Goal: Completion and Moving Forward


My goal in the end is to get things done and move on with my life right, so it should not be that difficult to get this over with.


August 02, 09:20:11
Integrating the New Digital Toolkit


I have written so much text content, but hot damn, it will take a while for my brain to process everything. I already have so many tools now, and I have the structures ready for me to use them systematically. I just need to take some time to process the fact that these are my structures and tools now. Google Photos, Google Drives, Github Desktop, and Websites (Wordpress, Hugo, native, Canva Website, and Google Sites). There are a lot of sites that glimpse into various parts of myself; however, they are as yet limited. I have yet to integrate everything systematically in my daily routine just yet. My brain is loading.

[REDACTED]


August 02, 09:43:42 – August 02, 09:44:46
Poetic Fragment: Empty Parks and Fleeing Forests


What do parks do when they’re empty, sitting idly at the benches? How do parks

intereact with themselves? Do they interact with th eir spirits, their sacred parts? Do they dance in the rain whene the park is wet  Do they dane when no is looking
or somethighappes that’s bad? I don’t know. But I do knot whta’s something great... beautifull.. I guess.s

Sun dials love the sun dials love the sun dials

Red blue green fiery

North Sky REmember FORESTT

Don’t let it go away... It’s running.

CATCH IT!


August 02, 10:15:55 – August 02, 10:17:22
Needing Rest, Planning Written Branding


I think I'll just be weak for now. It's been a while, and I was able to do a lot in the last two days especially. I'm happy about that, and I've been able finally to begin the groundwork for this desire to establish my own personal space in the Internet. This groundwork refers specifically to the fact that I've collected the websites and shared them in a Google Docs document shared link. Now, in Twitch, the link is there; though I have yet to clean it up so that it looks obvious and clear. Actually, I actually fixed up my Twitch panels just now, so it looks good now.

Anyway, I feel that I need to brand myself as a human being, and I'm still working on doing so. A lot of people have very strong brands because they have established themselves through livestreams. As for me, it is not that I lack charisma, but because my livestreams are not popular, I think I should look for alternative ways to distribute a brand.

And that distribution can be done through writing, which I've already done copiously. Now it is all a matter of being patience and finding a way to think through website and textual brand narratives. It will take a while for me to spread myself in a way that makes sense.


August 02, 10:27:14
Writing for Coherent Online Presence


I'm slowly beginning to make sense of things everywhere. The more that I write and the more that I process the fact that I have explicitly written material that I can spread around and use, the more that every single appearance I make in social media will align.


August 02, 10:31:34
Starting LoL Esports Viewing in 2023


I only started watching League of Legends esports in 2023.

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August 02, 11:43:05
Regarding Websites (Incomplete)


I have websites, and those websites that are mainly text have


August 02, 12:30:34 – August 02, 12:30:55
Memory: Binging DanTDM's Diamond Dimensions


I remember watching DanTDM's "Diamond Dimensions Modded Survival" Youtube series and binging it.

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August 02, 12:48:19
Catalog of Ambitious Future Projects


I would love to do so many things. I would love to create the network of websites already, which is basically a collection of websites and social media profiles that are all active in their own way. This will be my platform on the Internet, and each will be dedicated to a specific part of my life. Second, I also would love to travel and analyze my entire city, everywhere that I've travelled, my country, and my culture. Third, I would love to analyze every single piece of media I've consumed. Fourth, I would love to make a Minecraft series that is scripted, but the goal is to adapt a written story into Minecraft with the use of building skills to make sets and possibly the Minecraft mod "Custom NPCs" to add characters. Specifically, this series would involve a man traveling through numerous towns, and the goal is simplicity and continuity. Since I'm a prolific writer, I can easily write down a story; however, when it comes to adapting it into story form, that might take some more intentionality, given that I will be voicing the characters, creating the set, and making it all cinematographically cohesive and clear. The good thing is that I have singing and voice acting skills, so I can voice the characters. However, I am not a builder; though the 'builds' will not be that hard to make. Moreover, I can import builds from others on the Internet, as there are many free creations.

To give some context, I've already created a list of websites; however, it was only yesterday that I reached the first stage of release. So yesterday was Version 0.1, not of the websites, but of the general system of having a list of websites and having this cohesive pluralist identity. In other words, the websites listed are mostly complete, whereas the cohesive Internet identity requires some more work. Fortunately, I have made systematic preparations and groundwork, so it is a matter of taking the time to process personally this new project.

When it comes to analyzing my city, places of travel, my country, and my culture, this will require much more intentionality, and it might require taking lots of pictures, getting good at studying different kinds of places to the point that one can identify them by sight through a tool like Geogussr, and learning to put the pictures into words. While I might be a prolific writer, I have yet to write much in regard to highly specific detail when it comes to my city alone. I yearn to go into so much detail that I can have a map of marks in Google Maps that covers every single place with great contextual detail. The goal is to create numerous databases that could be turned into personal websites as a way to navigate through the numerous pictures, details, and Google Maps links. I can use Google Drive, Google Photos, Google Docs, Google Sites, Canva, Wordpress, Hugo, native HTML, neocities.org, Github Desktop, and many other tools to help me get this all together.

When it comes to every single piece of media, this will be its own writing project, because while I may be able to analyze media, it will take a long patience to go through the process of re-immersing myself in media I've consumed before. Moreover, analyze new media can be counterintuitive given that consumption is usually immediate. However, this indicates that there is much improvement when it comes to my skills as a writer and as a consumer in this area.

The Minecraft adaptation of a story should be done only after I can create videos first, because the Minecraft adaptation will be in video form. If I create effective videos, then that will pave the path for Minecraft storytelling adaptations.


August 02, 12:55:24 – August 02, 13:03:33
Analyzing Writing Structure: List-and-Delve vs. Wiki Style


So the author first lists them out in smaller, inaugural chunks, and then he delves into each of them afterwards in the same chronological order that he first mentioned them.

Is this a particular style? Or is this standard structure?

This would not work in Wikipedia, given that they are not an essay website; the style in Wikipedia relies primarily upon backlinks.

Simply, the author's writing style would be more fitting for a book than a wiki.


August 02, 13:01:14
Querying Terminology: Internal Linking


word for when a word in the article links to another article?

the one in apps like Notion and Obsidian. It's like when you write "France in the Middle Ages was a decentralised..." and "France in the Middle Ages" leads to another dedicated article.

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August 02, 17:48:17
A Moment Beyond Words


I don't even want to say a word.

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August 02, 18:19:14
Building a Digital Sanctuary


This is why instead of establishing my sense of self based on relationships, large communities, histories, and all kinds of events in real life, I'm establishing my safe space in the Internet and with my writing. This is why I am creating websites and writing so much and trying to distribute and make sure that I can best communicate and organize myself into explicitly written text. This is why I am so intentional about using Google Drive, Google Photos, Canva Website, Wordpress, Hugo, Google Sites, Github Desktop, and Youtube (with many Youtube channels for different kinds of content); among many others. I am in the process of creating so much content about myself, and the main goal is to create my entire world in Internet form (texts, images, and videos). I am going to analyze my entire city, analyze every media I've consumed, and analyze anything that interests me. All of it will be disseminated systematically.


August 02, 18:52:05
The World (Incomplete)


The world 


August 02, 20:04:58
Recalling 2021 Fictional Elements: Graciella and Orio


In 6/6/21:

Characters

Graciella
Child whose name is Villena
Another Child whose name was Lauren

6/2/21:

In the world Orio in which existed lands as vast as the Earth, there was always a novel creature to interact with if anyone was looking. One of the creatures predominantly roaming around Orio was the seacock, a staple food of most communities.

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August 02, 22:41:13
Platform Building as Self-Sorting for Connection


I was thinking that if I sorted myself out in the sense that I would have a lengthy list of social media platforms wherein I am active and a long list of websites with fiction novels, numerous articles and text content that go into depth when it comes to my life, contextualized images, and Youtube videos, that would make it easier for me to connect with others and communicate effectively; whether it be through an online or offline connection.

It is not about quantity. I emphasize quantity because there will be a lot of redundancy for the sake of making it easy for others to understand me by having numerous ways to engage with the content depending on the person.

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August 02, 22:44:04
An Unfinished Reflection (re: connections)


I feel that it was 

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August 02, 22:49:11
Reaffirming the Path of Self-Documentation


Yeah, that's why I said earlier that I'm building a platform for myself that encompasses numerous websites each dedicated to a topic and numerous social media accounts. I've already written down around a million words for my autobiography-journal and write everyday as part of my routine.

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August 03, 10:32:19
Explaining Nostalgia Doesn't Erase It


I wish that I could keep going on and on, and the worst part is that I can explain so much about the reasons, my entire life, and about everything to solve questions like these. However, even if I can explain, I still don't want it, as if I want to question everything again and again and hope to come up with new answers every time. And I do fortunately, but yeah... I guess I'll be asking the same questions again and again, especially with regard to nostalgia nad the past.

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August 03, 10:42:20
Pretending, Control, and YouTube Shorts Reflections


It's okay to pretend? Well, I guess that's what I did as a kid. I would pretend to be in this vast world when I was playing Minecraft, but I feel that I've explored my imaginations so much already. However, that is not necessarily true. It is more so that I want to make sense of things, and that is why I've so much time writing non-fiction, because I don't want to leave myself playing and pretending in all of these vast and rich imaginations that never end. I want to control things and circumscribe things I guess.

Nowadays, all my energy is spent writing non-fiction, and when I do want a break, I spend my time lying down and relaxing by familiarizing myself with everyday social media through Youtube Shorts. While watching Youtube Shorts, it triggers my reflection a lot because I am an adult and have been in the Internet since the early 2010s, so I see content that reminds me of the early 2010s and of the past. This content might be new to the kids who were in their early teenage years; however, to me, it reminds me of a time when I did not know much. I would see videos explaining basic fun facts about space, and I would remember watching these kinds of videos and being intrigued and surprised in the early 2010s. But that time is gone. Youtube Shorts allows me to realize that there are still so many familiar things and that even now, there is much to ponder.


August 03, 10:44:53
Channeling Endless Imagination into Non-Fiction


My imagination is endless, and I know that well. I can write any story, and I never truly run into corners in terms of ideas. It is more so that I reach a point where I have yet to write the ideas down in words, but I do know them. I know a lot actually. My life is so vast and rich that I have experienced, seen, and learned so many things; however, that does not mean that I know the words to each of them. And that is why non-fiction writing is crucial for writing in general for me.

I really do wish I could watch that Minecraft modded survival gameplay Youtube video series again without feeling like the adult that says that I have moved past this.

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August 03, 10:56:54
Embracing Necessary Struggle


I mean... maybe living like those people who live in small little tribes would be happy, but what is happiness? Maybe I do want to struggle. Maybe I am affected by the societal thread that calls us to rise up. But still, I think struggling is something that I need, even if my struggle is with my attempt to document everything that I've ever known and my attempt to make sense of everything, including the contradictions between my past and present self, my nostalgic desires and what I actually want, and what I want and what I am.


August 03, 10:58:23
Sisyphus and Self-Created Struggles


Maybe, I am like Sisyphus, but instead of being forced there necessarily, I create my own problems. (Nevertheless, technically, I am forced there because I am forced to exist in a world that is inherently chaotic, limited, and conducive to hardship, sorrow, and struggle.) 

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August 03, 11:10:02
The Malleable Self: Capable of Any Role


I can fulfill any role in life. In the end, the self is only as much as can be.

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August 03, 11:50:25
Livestreaming as Processed Decompression


I am starting to livestream regularly again, and that helps me decompress and get my ideas out in a comfortable, carefree, casual way. The good thing is that I can export these livestream to Youtube and have an AI give it subtitles, which I can then analyze and summarize with an AI language model. I can even give these livestreams thumbnails and titles with AI. This will make it easy for me to go ahead and have tons of livestreams, with each livestream being very clearly organized and structured.


August 03, 13:48:15
The Difficulty of Systematic Livestreaming


So I did a 1-hour livestream, and it was honestly very difficult, not because I am new to livestreaming. But because have a new goal in mind.

As for what the goal is, as said earlier, I am going to start using livestreaming systematically as a way to communicate in addition to writing. Originally, it was supposed to be for videos only; however, I realized that I can do the same for livestreaming and that livestreaming is better because the livestream does not take storage space in my phone. The systematic process 


August 03, 13:50:14 – August 03, 14:02:03
Analyzing the Livestream Lighting Setup


By the way, I was wondering regarding my lighting setup. Sun is bouncing against the walls outside, and the light bouncing against the walls is enterint through my windows. So it is diffused light entering my windows, and my computer is against the windows. This means that I use air conditioner and have my windows closed. I have a black-out curtain, and I have a three-light lamp behind me. I also have a bar light to my side that I can turn on, and I have a strong ceiling light.

I also have light coming from the computer itself in addition to the diffused sunlight.

Is this a good lighting setup?

The sunlight is hitting the walls outside, not the walls inside. This diffused sunlight is then entering the room through the window, so I am facing the window when I sit down at the computer desk. The monitor and the black-out curtain are effective enough that the already-diffused sunlight acts as lighting merely rather than anything uncomfortable.

My room is not hot at all.

I neglected to mention that the three-light lamp is behind me, so it acts as back light. The three lights are yellow.

back light, front light from computer and diffused light, fill light from ceiling light. What else? That's it.

I have a bar light above me to my right.

I should mention that the sunlight comes in from the left side, as I use the black-out curtain to block most of the window out to make sure that I can see the monitor without struggle.

I realized that the back light is probably more effective when the light is against the wall and background behind me and not standing behind me and facing my back.

Is it okay for the light on the right side of my face to be brighter to create a sense of contrast or assymetry? This way, there is a harsh contrasting cold side to the right and a warm side to the left.

It reminds me of film scenes where one side of their face is emphasized to create a dramatic effect.

Flat colors can be bad as well, even if it looks easier on the eyes. Dramatic and assymetric lights might be more effective if drawing out a stronger call to action.

It's not necessarily assymetric either, since it is a symmetry of two contrasting sides.


August 03, 14:03:59 – August 03, 14:13:18
Flat vs. Dramatic Lighting: Impact on Perception


It's something I realized just now. The flat photo looks professional, but it looks uninspired and generic. The one with a dramatic right side (left in the actual picture) makes it look more intense like the person has something serious to say. It feels like the difference between a person you meet on the road and a person who explains to you his manifesto.

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analyze both. You will see the distinction in the face between the two images.

Image 2 is good as well because it catches the eye more since people read from top to bottom and left to right, as the emphasized part is coming from the top left (in the picture, as it is coming from the top right from my viewpoint).

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August 03, 16:54:04
The Irreversible Uniqueness of Becoming


Upon the world, I climb up a ladder, and I see hundreds of things that have been and that are, yet upon and with recognition of such grandness, I have become all things irreversibly unique. My situation is positionally accurate, and I am thus-myself (the self that occurs after a justified series of factors and events, such that I advocate for the idea of justice of the current self after all things before). And it is due to this epitome of self that the self becomes irreversible removed from the identity of the past and of the present-moment, for I have become God (not an actual God, but a person sitting and idly becoming more and more irreversibly senseless yet senseful [a logical becoming and unbecoming]).

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August 03, 17:40:26
Querying AI: Assessing Author's Mood


is this author depressed?


August 03, 17:44:12
Past Presence, Present Vocabulary


Now that I've grown up, I realized now just how vast, rich, and present my entire life was. If I think about it, even if it was very vast, rich, and present (mindful) all throughout my life, I was also not as intellectually conscious as I am now in the sense that I can put my complex experiences, feelings, and thoughts into words. So in that sense, I was intellectually conscious. I just did not have the writing and speaking skills to communicate the complexities of my daily existence throughout those years effectively.


August 03, 17:48:14
Writing Enhances Memory Access and Coherence


I remember everything. My memories are so comprehensive, precise, clear, and vivid. I've been writing so much about my past that I can feel my past so much more easier. The fact that I can word what I'm experiencing right now out validates this reality. I have written around a million words and have written so much in the last 67 days.

I can experience myself from so many times in my life by just remembering and imagining an endless stream of scenes from my past. It is so easy, as if I am not 21 years old but only a few days old. I am starting to know myself like the back of my hand the more that I engage in recollection, reflection, self-documentation, and data collection.


August 03, 17:49:58
Astonishment: The Self-Documentation Process Works


Damn, I did not know it would actually work. It works! I can't believe it works! I can remember the past so much easier now, and my self feels so much more coherent. Having so many photos, footage, and other data from the past helps a lot in this process of wholeness.

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August 03, 18:02:46
Achieving Wholeness: Meaning and Benefits


I am so much more whole as a person than I have ever been since I quit high school in late 2018 and started staying at home. It has been close to 6 years since then, and thanks to a lot of time, space, resources, and support, I have been able to stabilize. But it took a lot of my personal effort, since it was a matter of learning to be emotionally independent. It was only last year in July 4, 2023 that I started my autobiography-journal; however, I have been writing since 2019 and since 2016. Well, now, it's 2024, and I can say surely that I am so much more whole.

What does being whole meaning actually? I mean, does it have benefits? I have always felt like I could not enjoy things because I felt fragmented and incapable of being able to enjoy things without becoming engrossed in recollections and memories of the past, as I have done everything throughout my vast and rich past such that anything serves as a visceral reminder.

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August 03, 18:29:58
Wholeness Enables the Manifesto


I feel like writing a manifesto. I have written so much about my life, so currently, I feel a lot more whole because I've addressed so many things from the past and have addressed many issues, especially since the life events that I experienced back in 2017 to 2018 that rippled up to today.

The manifesto will contain everything that my now-whole self aims to do.


August 03, 18:33:28
Manifesto Against Alienation


This is the best way to deal with the profound sense of alienation I have with the entire world. While I have become much more whole and have engaged in recollection, reflection, self-documentation, and data collection, that does not mean that I have experienced, seen, and learned everything in my vast and rich past. There was so much fulfillment, but it was highly limited in its own right as well.

Now that I'm here, I want to write the manifesto in hopes of defying the entire world because of the profound sense of alienation I experience in respect to it.


August 03, 19:02:55
The Impact of Digital Disconnection


If I disconnect from the digital world, what will happen? Would that not be at this point the same as disconnecting from the broader world?

What I'm saying is that the broader world becomes invisible and the focus of one's life is now solely upon one's current experiences in reality.


August 03, 19:05:15 – August 03, 19:05:54
Containing Everything Online vs. Disconnecting


It is possible to contain "everything" in the digital space, and one can do that by mastering the online space and learning how to write, document, collect, data, and engage in reflection and recollection. Personally, I've created a platform upon which I am addressing as much as possible so that anyone in the Internet can come by and not feel alienated because I will address numerous things, perspectives, scopes, focuses, ideas, concerns, and interests through my digital platform.

However, it is still going to be very important to consider what happens when one disconnects from the broader world by disconnecting from the digital space.


August 03, 19:29:19
The Desire to Address Everything Experienced


I wish I could address everything. I have been able to address my past much, so I feel whole in that regard. But I realize that I want to address everything that I've ever seen, experienced, felt, and learned. This includes everything that the Internet can show me, and there is so much there that I have not experienced firsthand but experienced digitally.

It is not necessarily about consuming everything. It is about addressing everything to some degree. Even if I do not go into maximum detail on every single topic, I can still address everything to some degree (generalization). 


August 03, 19:33:10
The Ongoing Project of Addressing Consumed Media


This means that if there are any particular events, particular Youtube videos, particular media, or particular anything that I have consumed and that has interested me, I should address it to some degree. This is still an ongoing process, since writing down about every single book I've read (and can remember and find on the Internet) is going to take a lot of time, especially when some of the books are more than a million words long. This also includes videos, so there are numerous videos that have made me feel much. it would be nice if I wrote down about videos. There are also many things, perspectives, scopes, focuses, ideas, concerns, issues, and interests out there, so I would have love to address all of that to some degree, even if it means limiting it to generalizations.

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August 03, 19:52:50
From Internal Struggle to External Struggle


It is weird. It feels like I'm moving from one struggle to the next. It feels like struggling between my past and present self sucked, but now that that's over, I am struggling with everything else in the entire world. It is weird. I don't know how to describe it. It would have been "easier" if becoming more whole between my past and present self would make everything solved. But I feel uneasy in a new way.

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August 03, 19:59:24
Re-evaluating Past Explorations with an Outward Gaze


The thing is that everything that I did that most people would associate with exploring, like reading academic texts, writing, and analyzing past media were actually all intended to help me become more whole by allowing me to find new ways to put things into words. All of it was for the past, so I may have not paid attention to a forward-looking explorative perspective with regard to exploring the world. I may have been using it all in respect to the struggle to make my past and present self whole. This might have the case such that when the struggle was finally over, I can see now that I have to address so many things, perspectives, scopes, focuses, ideas, concerns, issues, and interests overlooked aspects related to those new things that I explored previously with the intention of restoring my wholeness. For example, I may have read an academic text, but I read it with the intention of improving my writing skills. While I have learned a lot by reading it, I had yet to connect it to a lot of things, perspectives, scopes, focuses, ideas, concerns, issues, and interests. So I have been very self-focused (focused on my past and thus the entire world in relation to myself emphatically) the entire time.


August 03, 20:07:58
RRSD Framework Evolves: Tackling Media Analysis


Maybe, I can finally play Minecraft without feeling the disabling nostalgic pain. I don't know...

No, I don't think so. I think that my outward exploration is still within the framework of recollection, reflection, self-documentation, and data collection. I think I am still within the past framework, and the autobiography is still ongoing. It is just that I have reached a new stage since I started to feel more whole. This increase in wholeness may mean that I will be tackling things like media analyses with less difficulty.

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August 03, 20:24:32
Remembering How It Felt to Be


I remember numerous things very well. I remember what it felt like to be a person; however, things have changed.

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August 03, 22:43:31 – August 03, 22:53:46
Philippine Economy Musings: Highways, Zoning, Middlemen


I have in deep thought with regard to the character of our current economic situation here in the Philippines. Specifically, I have much to say in regard to the highways, zoning, separations, and interclass characteristics, and the disappearance of the middle class.

To go into detail, I notice that the highways have become central to our recent economic upturns and downturns. Namely, our reliance on food imports have dealt a significant blow to the productivity within the complex network of middlemen, encompassing facilitators, intermediaries, agents, and distributors. 


August 03, 22:51:09 – August 03, 22:53:49
Querying Terminology: Middlemen Umbrella Term


Word for the middlemen with their numerous layering in regard to the economy?

what is a general word for intermediaries, facilitators, agents, and distributors? Is "middlemen" sufficient in a technical context, especially when desiring an umbrella term with no need for specification?

The issue is that 'middlemen' does not immediately carry the complex and nuances connotations of "facilitators", "intermediaries", "agents", and "distributors". So I might write it like the following: "... middlemen, including facilitators, intermediaries, agents, and distributors..."


August 03, 23:05:27 – August 03, 23:18:18
Surreal Fiction: Magic Cheeks, Teller Boys, and a Shattered Cup


A young man, gently as he could, rubbed his cheeks against the drawer, hoping to produce a spark, a particular memory of older times, when he was but a child with little inclination for the magic arts. It is now, upon this day, that he is so willfully declarative in his behavioral gestures, that he might gesture forth his sensual nature, that by his cheek-rubbing, he might generate enough of the magic electricity to call forth a lion thereon. It is not a mere lion however, but there is much to gain in stimulating the mana well, such that even without a lion's emergence, there is here a great benefit to the maximum capacity of his magic, that success may be found more readily available in future endeavors. It is here that his mind was excused and allowed to breathe as well, as the sensation produced thereforth a complex system of ideas to emerge from his little 'dove-like' (in that it flew throughout his days silently and smoothly with little tension or attempt to disrupt the norm) mind.

Later, as he was entertaining himself with two little dove-resembling rings, he looked around him and gazed at a group of two boys waddling toward him with their red hats made askew to one side and their little shirts fitted loosely against their bodies that they could move with grace and splendor at every step of the way. Indeed, these were more than two boys, as they were tellers who provided information against him to the council within his little village abode. So he released a cloth thread that he might tie them up and bring them to the police men. This thread flew like a wisp, but the boys were loud and strong in their calls, raising an alarm with their bell-like screeches: "Let them all know who come forth, that this man is but a man without a sword. His sword is too small for the justice of the people to spare him a chance at salvation. Let them all know how bountifully fresh this man is for cliff-jumping. Throw him off readily!"

These two tussling, tearing treacherous tiny tellers of terrific tales treaded tenaciously through the tacked thread tied to termination.

They avoided his powerful thread release attack.

Frustration entered like a thief in the night that robbed the presents which were marked with an X, which, in his early days, meant a ripe present ready for the day, as Christmas came in all year. With this frustration, his heart bounced like a bowling ball, and his soul ripped apart as if on its own and searched excitedly for an escape, thus breaking into an ever–self-distancing shatter. It was on and on until he was already at the tip of the mountain in terms of his frustration, by which point, he exploded by slamming against a cup, the white cup shattering then like leaves in the swaying wind. But he caught each of the shards and regained his composure in an instant, as words which he might have produced from his pocket mouth out of frustration were made held-back and smoothened to nothing, like boulders shredded to dust in the eternal friction of water and fluid time.


August 03, 23:33:06
Analyzing the Surreal Writing Style


This is the opposite of realism, is it not? Why does the author use his writing style?

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August 04, 00:44:40
Real Life as Escape from Virtual Issues


To be honest, I think it was because I was getting too involved in the virtual world, and going outside in reall ife allowed me to forget about the issues that occurred in the virtual space. It can really unravel the mind and force it against its limitations.


August 04, 06:33:18 – August 04, 06:49:58
Embracing Inefficiency: Nostalgia for Community vs. Isolated Growth


When I went outside, I notice that I enjoyed the feeling of struggling to bring the laptop and typing on the keyboard in Army Navy. It is so much easier in my room; plus, I don't have to bear with the guilt of having gone outside to use money at a restaurant just to bring a laptop and hang out there only to write inefficiently. The good thing is that while it was not the same as being in my room and home where I have everything that I need, I was able to write much actually. But yeah... the weirdness and awkwardness of using the laptop there was satisfying in a way that I cannot explain; maybe my brain needed a way to get out of my routine, even if it means having to carry around the laptop from the car to the restaurant and typing there. I liked hearing the loud conversations of a family or friend group there, and it was helpful. I loved the feeling of having gone into the car only to try to read an academic text in the form of a PDF in the laptop on the front passenger seat. It was so awkward getting the laptop from the back because I placed it there before entering the car, and it was awkward trying to connect the keyboard and mouse again because I removed it thinking that the keyboard and track pad was working. I had to connect it again. It was so satisfying for some reason. I loved the awkwardness and the feeling of being in this place and not having it all together. It reminded of my earlier years when it was about being with friends, even if we were not rich or went to expensive places. We ate at local carinderias, and I miss that feeling of being awkward and a mess again. I don't know why. Maybe I'm too efficient and routine at home, and I loved the spontaneity of going to Army Navy even if I don't like going to restaurants unless there is an event or others tell me to go. I tend to eat at home, and when I do go outside, it's to a cafe where I intend to talk with my parents, who are often busy.

I miss the feeling of living a life where I do not have any opportunities to feel entitled, because I was a part of this large community, even if we were not rich. We were all close and had a great time, and I was so shy and awkward during those years.

I miss that, but at the same time, I wanted to be confident and skilled. It is just that my brain needs to let loose every now and then and feel like it can be an awkward nothing-burger. The thing was that I was not awkward, but the inefficiency felt healing.

I miss just doing things for the sake of it. It feels like my life has become the epitome. I miss being a "failure", being a shy and awkward "loser". I miss being someone who was just a boy trying to be a part of this large community and being rewarded for trying and being there all the time.

I miss it, and I guess that even without the memories, just being so awkward and in a feeling of community with the other customers, some of whom were loud, in the restaurant. I am not really shy and awkward, but it was definitely more "inefficient". However, ultimately, it was efficient because it helped my well-being a lot, but I meant "inefficient" in terms of the fact that I chose to go outside when I could have just eaten at home, chose to go outside when I could have just relaxed in my room with everything it provides already, and chose to be a little awkward outside where there was no place for my laptop to find a sense of stability and place like it has in my room and home. It healed me like in an RPG.

I did not care about productivity in those years. I cared more about being a part of all of it and helping out. Helping out is not the same as the productivity that I have now. My current journey is much more isolated, limited to my family at home, but the focus was on self-development. The reason why this can be much more challenging is because it is precise and highly focused. This allowed me to improve so much in terms of my personal skills within an independent framework occupied only by me. Being a part of a community as a member can feel much more relaxed and loose, but being independent means looking at everything around you and analyzing all of it from the context of the self. This can require a lot more intentionality and self-will, and when one has succeeded, it can take even much more intentionality to break out of routine once one has spent so much time learning to develop a routine. There are no checks, and so the independent self has to make these checks or breaks with very declarative intention. So nostalgia for times when I was spotaneous and highly sociable makes sense within this context.


August 04, 06:38:48
Pioneers, Self-Destruction, and Societal Selection


meaning: 'Completely missing the point.
You can just imagine any thing in life you give a crap about, there is a person with Faker-like temperament pushing the boundaries.
Most of human achievements and ground breaking revelations that lead to life altering technologies are done primarily by those types.
Despite the trait leading often to self destruction and isolation, it is still selected for on a larger societal level.'

I guess pioneers have to be a little crazy.


August 04, 07:01:11
Clarifying "Failure" and "Loser"


I use the term "failure" and "loser" to emphasize that my life was incredibly sociable but not that "guy" who was this epitome of skill.

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August 04, 07:51:54 – August 04, 07:52:06
Directive: Rest in the Forest


"Okay, all you have to do is go to the forest and stay there in bed. There are no monsters, and the only thing you have is a stick."


August 04, 08:51:40 – August 04, 08:54:04
The Surprising Ease of Reading Hegel


I don't know why I could not read Hegel before, but he is actually very easy to read than I expected. It is weird how books that look like monoliths of obscurity now feel like books you see on your average walk to the children's book store. It feels as buttery-smooth as a children's book, but the difference is that it satisfies my current level now.

It is weird. I feel like a dog that learned how to eat chicken. It feels so basic to read Hegel, and I am not discounting his writing and capacity for abstract thought. However, it is interesting to see that the more one writes and reads, the more one learns and grows. I mean, it is causative, and it makes sense. However, it is still strange to see that linear logic remains relevant in a non-linear and pluralist world and reality.


August 04, 09:07:08
Querying Lighting: Is Ceiling Light Effective?


Is strong ceiling light good for lighting?


August 04, 09:10:02
Detailing the Six-Point Lighting Setup


I have 6 lights. Two pointing at the ceiling, one pointing at the wall to my left, a bar light pointing at the wall to my right, the ceiling light, and the computer monitor light. There is no direct glare. 


August 04, 09:11:26
Lighting Principle: Avoid Direct Glare


I do not aim lights at the subject because it is too harsh.


August 04, 10:54:58
The Desire to Create a Viewer SMP


I want to make the viewer SMP game. 


August 04, 17:34:32 – August 04, 18:05:02
Groundedness vs. the Small World Narrative


Honestly, I've been avoiding it for a while now this morning, but I guess taking breaks is fine too. I'm going to talk about a familiar topic about which I've written numerous times already in previous journal entries, and that is about stories and their immersive worlds. I remember well what it was like seeing those stories and being there stuck in those worlds; however, I cannot pretend to be a part of them anymore. As time passes, I grow only more grounded to the point that I cannot read stories. Or maybe the opposite is happening. Well, the definition of "grounded" I'm using specifically refers to how I am writing about my real life all day everyday. I am addressing real problems all the time, and my mind is set upon reality insofar that I cannot read stories and become engrossed in those small imaginary places like I used to be able to do. It is like moving away from the small world of being a part of this one large community with hundreds of people and traveling all around, heading to events, and having a consistent presence there toward the large world of a business district full of external entities and living in a small apartment alone. I am more grounded in the sense that I am spending so much of my time writing about reality, but I can no longer live in a small, "imaginary" (whether actually imaginary or seemingly imaginary) world.

Maybe it is a good thing. However, I don't know. I feel that while being able to address real-life problems, appreciate real-life things and elements, and bringing up everything with an empirical lens is grounding, it feels like a loss of the small world narrative in which I used to become engrossed and immersed. It is not that I lack the ability to immerse myself, but there is a powerful distinction to be made between the small world and the real world. I am more grounded insofar that when I do engage in imagination, it is accompanied by rational and empirical approaches rather than by a simple living-in-a-dream-like-small-world feel. It is like the shift from the village to the grounded man who accesses all through an objective lens.

This is why every time I attempt to immerse myself like a dreaming child again, I end up writing it with a wider, more holistic, much more objective perspective. Because of this, I cannot read a story and trust my all upon it insofar that I lose touch with reality. I am always in touch in reality such that when I am creative, everything is clear upon grounded contexts. I immersed with a thread that leads me back to all things objective, and I never fall so far that I become a child in a daydream. I am present. When I mentioned being part of large communities and why that can give a sense of small world narrative, it is because I am not exposed to a more objective, wider, and more holistic world from the lens of the objective grounded spectator. It is why there is a distinct shift when departing from these large communities, which, while being real-life things, are experienced in a small, dream-like world. It is dream-like because it is secluded and isolated insofar that it is very culturally sacred, specific, and nuanced. It is like the difference between a small community who uses the Internet to connect between members vs. a person who uses the Internet to connect to the wider world and to his firsthand experiences as well—this latter being the most empirical and rational approach.

I am a better critical thinker, but I do wonder if I can return ever to the dream-like small world. It will require me to let go of critical thinking even and create something that is illogical in the lens of the wider, more objective world, but is creative and highly culturally specific nonetheless. It will require wonder and awe by revealing a person who is like an artist unexposed to the Internet and creating art in his basement or in a secluded, isolated place or community that is detached from the wider art world and, by extension, the wider world itself.

This means becoming impossible to understand in the lens of the wider world and creating culturaly contexts so specific that it will take much contextual explanation to understand fully. However, in reality, the world is like that. We can attempt to connect to the broader world and Internet, but while it is usually more objective to be exposed to a wider scope of ideas beyond one's bubble, it can also deteriorate nuance, the deterioration of which impinges upon objectivity. However, the point of being exposed to the wider world is not convey elaborate everything necessarily. It is to be concise and clear, and it allows for communication between otherwise people living in their own little bubbles. It takes compromise, but for many, it is worth it. However, people need to become engrossed in the specifics and nuances of their reality. And that is why even as I write my autobiography-journal, I recognize that while it can be explained contextually to some degree, it can be compared to a story written by an artist who had been stuck in a basement for their whole life, not because people will not understand the words, as my exposure to the broader Internet has made my communication clearer and more concise, but because people will see the words and not the actualities which those words represent in the viewpoint of me, the author.

It is like the distinction between modernist concision (minimalism) and clarity contrary to postmodernist nuance (pluralism and eclecticism) and ambiguity (which can be due to being highly precise and highly comprehensive rather than flattened for the sake of conveying for the general or universal reader).

I notice the transition of my thoughts recently. The alienation of an empirical approach -> the need for rationalism (the reliance upon logic as a way to navigate the broader world of nuance rather upon the mere listing of empirical details) -> the need for ambiguity and nuance in the form of the small world narrative in opposition to the grand world narrative, which, while "more objective" , can be a barrier to the validation of our complex, nuanced, hard-to-define, often word-less (due to the instability of language as an objective way to measure actuality) realities.


August 04, 18:02:07
Poetic Scene: The Park Pond


"I went to a park, and I saw there a beautiful pond, upon which all things flowed, and where things were not necessarily made out of wine: there was joy to be heard and priceless beauties to be seen, like men at the ponds greeting the singing. Entertainers flocked about, emerging like men singing songs of grace, and their hands, quickly as they could, kidnapped the little winds and poured them forth as they swung in gestural advance."


August 04, 18:15:13 – August 04, 18:36:28
Fiction: Controlled Outburst and Self-Aware Expression


"I walked outside, and I knew well that this was not going to be the last time it happened. But there was this strong sensation of violence arising within me. I tried to stop me, but for some reason, I could analyze myself enough that even while having this sensation, I was calm. I remained so for hours, but suddenly, as if a whip hit me, I slammed my fist against the wall. But it was one done with the intention of inserting my hopes forward. I was not just mad. I was hopeful, hopeful that there was much to gain im my self-control insofar that any attempt that I did to control it could be extended outward to hitting the wall intentionally also. This was the epitome of creativity and control, as while the traditional interpretation of a man hitting the wall may be one of anger and a loss of control, I did it, simultaneously knowing that the mix of anger and hope could lead me to such a culmination. I expressed myself with self-awareness, and I did it knowing that I could recognize, understand, and analyze it in my recollection and reflection. This was self-awareness, amid the seeming failure of my self-control.

I had attempted many ways by which my emotions might be more propely expressed: through the use of a bat in a baseball match, for instance; through a dog with its loving eyes and soft cushioning fur, secondly; and through a beautiful spring-like dance that bound me emotionally upon adrenaline-based excitement.

Central to my recent growth had been the foregoing series of activities, and within this broader growth underpinned by the complex interplay of my personal history, environment, and culture, among other factors, I wrote down my thoughts between each action I took, readily illustrating in lettering my appreciation for the catalyst of patience, time, and effort spent toward developing a framework for a more actionable classification of my daily allocation of my time, excluding the concept of energy, which I found too vague to measure empirically."


August 04, 18:36:19 – August 04, 19:35:26
Military Fiction: The Ridge-Hanging Platform Gambit


I was walking along a path, and I discovered a few ridges along the corner. There was also the mountain along which a more secure footing was laid down via a paved road. It was challenging to retain the soldiers' attitudes toward the mountain, even with the gifts I had sorted out to be given to their families upon their achievement of an effective climbing routine upon it: sooner or later, the soldiers would converse regarding the challenges of the mountain, which I heard through one of the soldiers, whom I had rewarded to be an information agent inserted within at the beginning of the foregoing batch of soldiers. There were senior soldiers as well; however, they had been taken from my purview due to my deliberate decision to focus upon the mountain, contrasting the rest of the military council, of which I was a member. Either way, I made aims to keep the soldiers in direct service to the mountain scope. The aforementioned ridges were identified and considered to be holders or supports for a possible ridge-hanging platform upon which soldiers could be placed. To clarify, while ridge-hanging platforms are typically easy targets due to the usual characteristics of ridges themselves, the ridges in question were situated behind several different hillsides, with the valley path covered with an extended stretch of wooden frames upon which man-placed rocks covered the gaps. This position allowed one to gain insight into any entity that exited out of the cover, since the aforesaid platform was high and far enough that it had sight of the exit, while the exit was blocked by the smaller size and lower angle provided by their proximity to the cliffsides or hillsides and the cover, creating a disparity of perspective culminating in their disadvantage.

During the training phase with the ridge-hanging platform, selected soldiers were being removed and supplanted everyday, as identifying the right soldiers for the job was not only the goal, but central to this training was how they could manage in terms of teamwork with the disparity of advantage between their roles. The platform, while advantageous in contrast with the covered valley path exit, was an uncomfortable position to hold due to their lack of movement and direct access to resources from the nearest installation, making them vulnerable to potential sieges coming from this area. Their role was to filter out incremental brief attacks that occured periodically, not deal with bursts of attacks or incremental brief attacks done consistently over a long span of time. This was what made the platform unenvied especially among the senior soldiers, who had seen numerous occasions of self-pinning positions like this backfiring, even while it had been effective in halting preemptively attacks that would reach the more vulnerable spots along the periphery of the fort.

Numerous soldiers were selected for positions analogous to this already; however, what made the single ridge-hanging platform special was that I was the one who had requested for its creation. To explain why I was different from other members of the military council, I preferred to work in highly specific solutions, compared to my colleagues who relied upon advantages built inherently upon the standard measures. This meant that they preferred working with terrain that was already favorable or, as a last resort, altering the terrain to ensure that they could superimpose upon it the standard strategies to which they have been traditionally expected to adhere. When it came to my highly specific solutions, I preferred working in unfavorable terrain, and this is why I requested for a significant amount of resources to be poured into the creation of the aforementioned valley cover. This was easy to circumnavigate if the opponent had key information as to the specifics of the level of control, advantage, the structure, and the soldiers stationed outside and surrounding the exit. Ultimately, I was gambling with much resources, lives, and my reputation for an advantage that is likely to be only small compared to other sides of the conflict. But I was gambling specifically for the scenario that the enemy already had an established paradigm in place to be sending a small number of soldiers incrementally upon a periodic basis insofar that they realized too late given the distance it took to get to this traditionally vulnerable area. Small periodic troops sent in advance in a long line would be most traditionally effective if I was not there to throw everything away for this "cheese" strategy. In the long term, this could snowball to create a gaping hole of soldiers and resources beginning from this valley path. Potentially, it could snowball insofar that the enemies call instant reinforcements to defend against what they might rightfully assume to be a large force heading along the valley path. But in reality, it would be me relying upon this tactic. There was also the case that the enemies would corral themselves at the other end of the valley path where the cover did not reach and then expend their energy and food for a moment before attacking in a single force. Moreover, they could return and identify that the resources spent toward the cover could indicate obviously that this spot was vulnerable to concentrated attack—as they could gather that it was a compensation for a lack of troops at the other side. They would be right in that case, but I hoped that they would stick to the traditional strategy of small, periodic troops. To explain why this was a traditional strategy, the length of the valley path discouraged high volumes of troops because the defenders had the high ground, even if the path led directly to the installation. In simple terms, it was a very obvious choke point. In summary, the ridge-hanging platform was special because I had chosen a specific, risky, ignorance- and knowledge-dependent approach that my colleagues would not. In reference to why I used the term "unfavorable terrain", this was specifically in reference to the use of the ridge-hanging platform as an answer to small, periodic pressure from this front of the conflict. It could be judged as being favorable in actuality given the high ground advantage, but my specific methods could terminate in a costly liability due to the harsh resource expenditure upon the cover, which, as implied earlier, was intended to create the disparity of perspective between the ridge-hanging platform and the man-made cover exit upon the valley path.


August 04, 19:22:12
Analyzing the Gambit: High-Risk, High-Reward


It is a specific manifestation of a high-risk, high-reward approach—a potential way to "cheese" one's way out of the traditional dynamic.

It could become potentially the new traditional dynamic, and that is why pioneers exist.


August 04, 19:23:32
Analogy: LoL Esports Lane Swaps


For example, I've been watching League of Legends esports, and lane swaps have become a very recent strategy that became a new norm. It is not used all the time, but it is used regularly enough that it is now part of the new traditional strategy playbook.


August 04, 19:46:52
Interpreting Butler: Performative Gender Identity


The following statement criticizes the idea of "gender identity by the expressions", emphasizing that this idea is created analogous to circular reasoning in that the Bible is stated to be true through claims from the Bible itself.

'There is no gender identity behind the expressions of gender... identity is performatively constituted by the very 'expressions' that are said to be its results.'

Thus, traditional gender identity is analogous to circular reasoning.


August 05, 02:19:06
Seeking Transcription Solutions: Clipchamp Limits


I notice that Windows' Clipchamp has such a good free AI transcription service called "autocaptions", even better than Whisper. However, the issue is that it crashes when I try to have it transcribe 2-hour-long audio. So I'm looking for options where it transcribes full sentences and not all lower-case like Youtube's transcription service does with their Youtube videos. Whisper did have something like that, but I do not remember it being effective.


August 05, 12:29:26 – August 05, 12:35:37
Clipchamp Autocaptions: Hopes Pinned on a Better PC


My goodness. I was hoping to make it so that my livestreams were subtitled (given a transcript) with the AI "autocaptions" feature of Clipchamp; however, it seems that the limit is around 30 minutes. This might be only the case with this laptop, and I'm about to get my actual main desktop computer. So hopefully, I can do the autocaptions feature in the main computer and reach up to 3 hours at least.

Currently, Clipchamp is free, unlimited, and very effective compared to Youtube's automatic captions and even open-source solutions like "Whisper", given that it uses Microsoft's Azure AI services likely. The other third-party captioning service were paid and limited in free use. The reason it cannot provide transcription service for a 2-hour-long video directly without me breaking up the video with FFmpeg is because it crashes before that, which means that it is likely due to the computer's capacity to handle the video file. So having the aforementioned main computer should solve the issue.

I don't use Clipchamp for editing, and there is an offline desktop version of it. I use it mainly for the autocaptions service; however, I feel that its video editing service to sufficient for simple edits if need be.

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August 05, 14:22:01 – August 05, 23:23:07
Systematizing the Self: The Massive Undertaking of Video Processing


The amount of effort I'm taking just to ensure that I'm giving each video and livestream a transcript, a relevant title, a summary in the description, a Youtube chapter list, a fuller timestamp outline in a separate link, a full chat log (in the case of a livestream), a thumbnail, and the exact date when the video or livestream started—primarily with the help of AI—is crazy. It is going to be so worth the time though, because this way, I can see all my videos with much better clarity, organization and structure.

I do use AI, but even then, it will take some effort. It is not that crazy though, but it does make me realize that I am finding it very rewarding to put much effort into being consistent with this systematic approach.

As for how this journey started, it started first with my attempts to start getting used to livestreaming and recording videos of myself; however, I realized that it was challenging already to keep recording videos because my phone lacked space. So I turned to livestreaming numerous times because of the lack of space. Besides the lack of space, it was challenging to record videos because it took time and patience for me to get used to speaking in front of a camera. It is not that I have not recorded myself with a video many times and I am bad at speaking and communication skills; however, I was inexperienced with the idea of participating directly on the Internet. Recording a video with the intent to publish it to the wider world is something that has taken years to get used to, not only in terms of videos, but in terms of social media also and serializing even as well.

The foregoing systematic apporach deals with the issues of space and the challenges of scanning through the videos, given that I have already uploaded so many videos. This was only possible now that I've improved much in my familiarity with the digital space and with recording videos with the intent to publish them or recording myself in livestreaming. My digital talking skills have improved as well, because while I may have been good at communication skills, speaking to a broader audience requires its own set of skills, especially in the digital space.

To explain how this looks like, this way, when I or people look at my videos, what they see is a bunch of videos that have effective titles and thumbnails, have captions, have summaries in the descriptions, and have a respective link that leads to the edited text-without-timestamps version of the transcript of the video. Moreover, these videos are part of the broader ecosystem consisting of all my published writings, my websites, and my various data, sources, and images. All of it is systematic, precise, and comprehensive. The websites themselves are organized in a simple Google Docs document containing the links, so the portal to the entire ecosystem can be a single link to a Google Docs document.

Basically, I am operating under the assumption that the people that I am trying to reach are across the planet, live in a different culture and context, and have a different viewpoint of the world. This means that my writing will be very hierarchical in terms of accessibility and depth, but i will also be non-linear in a personalized and tailored way. This means that I will touch upon everything as much as I can to ensure that ideally, those who are open to the concept of the aforementioned ecosystem do not get alienated.

The worth of each video or livestream is only as much as they are made clearly different upon first glance. This goes the same for any kind of writing or information. If they do not feel that the writing is eye-catching or rewarding as is in initial impression, then the writing is rendered as just a bunch of meaningless data; however, I recognize that many of my writings go into technical depth. Ultimately, the goal is to reward those of every scope, focus, level of accessibility and depth, and background.

Basically, it is the difference between the disjointed, segmented, congested, and highly clumsy and desperate terrain of a mountain and a well-zoned grid city planning in terms of traffic and accessibility of movement.

However, this is only on the outline of the shape of the ecosystem. But the inside will be very non-linear, fluid, and varicolored. There will still be some compartmentalization, tagging, identifying, taxonomy, classification, organization, structure, and systematization; however, the main goal is to feel like I'm contributing to an open system. That is the summary of the concept.

This means learning how to work with a mountain of mess. This is only one of the requirements. Let me brainstorm and make a list of skills required to make this for a moment. It will contain both general or specific skills.

I have to go into empirical depth into the list and create measurable metrics. I will first clean up my room and take a shower, and then I will start to synthesize the entire ecosystem together and meditate upon me as the author and see how I might visualize and recognize the empirical side of skills in relation to the specific accomplishments, methodologies, nuances, and context imbued upon the entire ecosystem with everything that I've written already. For context, I've written around a million words already in my autobiography-journal, which is the material basis of the ecosystem, and in the last 69 days alone, I've averaged 8,620 words everyday, totaling at 603,582 words.

Okay, so right now, one actionable goal that sets a strong standard moving forward is what I mentioned with the systematic approach to videos. I currently have 884 videos in my main Youtube channel alone, many of which are privated, and this number does not include the videos from other Youtube channels I own and my Google Drive from various Google accounts. With regard to these videos, I will use the AI-assisted systematic approach of thumbnail, title, description-summary, autocaptions-subtitles, link to edited text version of the transcript, a full chat log in the case of a livestream, and the exact date when the video or livestream started. This can also optionally include a Youtube chapter list and a fuller timestamp outline. I have already used the approach for new videos; however, it is now my focus to go back and do the same for every single video. And this will take a long time; however, it will be worth it, as I will have a document that shows each video with an accompanying short summary. This will make my future video essays be systematic in relation to the entire sub-ecosystem of videos and, by extension, to the broader foregoing ecosystem, which includes my primarily textual autobiography-journal.

This is astronomically so much more sophisticated than my approach to videos back in 2022. The autobiography-journal that I started in July 4, 2023 snowballed in 2024 especially, and now, I'm tackling videos in a whole new systematic way because I have written and addressed so much.

On a peripheral note, I looked at a video from 2021 that I made, and I started to get nostalgic because I know that this ecosystem will change everything. Imagine someone attempting to edit videos and not really being experienced such that they do not have a 100,000-word framework with regard to their approach to making a video essay and they lack a 1-million-word autobiography-journal guiding their thought process. That person works so immediately and will look very simple, even if they have tons of firsthand experience, because they have not systematized everything down explicitly. Their firsthand experiences, knowledge, and growth is still stuck in their head, so when they talk, they talk as if they have nothing in their heads, because their cognition is being "left on read", maybe because they are at a stage of their own life that is focused on a more immediate and less contemplative way of life, possibly due to unfamiliarity with the tools, resources, and matrix of development. It has been 3 years since 2021, and I have grown much to exploit much more fully the tools, resources, and environment I have. I have not merely exploited them more fully. I have adapted and proactively created structures, frameworks, environments, and all manner of initiatives. This is growth from someone who struggled cognitively to identify and deal with the demands of understanding how to approach the digital space and transmuting their real-life outgoing extroverted sociable selves to one that abides more "introspectively" by the requirements of the digital space.  

It can be compared to have a large library that is effectively useless because one does not read them as opposed to one that masters them, synthesizes them, generates original insights, benefits from them cognitively, and applies them in all manner of contexts hinging upon their cognition as a steward of the library.

Authority, resources, power, tools, data, skills, first-hand experience and knowledge, and matrices of development are only as useful as they are synthesized, underpin novel insights, benefit cognitively, and are applied.

This is why accumulating knowledge can be dangerous, and that is why I am careful about experiencing, reading, and engaging with content, given that I have consumed and experienced so much already. While I may feel nostalgic at times, I should not let that nostalgia make me give up on writing and synthesizing, which is ultimately more fulfilling, healthy, and productive in the long term.

We should not experience things for the sake of it. We should not do something just because it feels good, it feels new, or it feels traditionally awesome. We are so much more than such, because one day, we will look back and realize that we have been living a repetitive life. Experience should be guarded, and one would do well in avoiding experiences if the best current choice is to reflect upon one's experiences and to make sense of everything.

It is like driving on a road and forgetting the numerous past times one has driven down that road. At one point, one should stop driving down that same road if one values that road truly. This is the same for any experience or activity. We should not continue to travel if one feels that traveling would erode their appreciation of their past instances and memories of travel. This might be a call for them to reflect and focus upon appreciating their memories of travel rather than to engage in excess and accumulation just because it is normalized.

This is why while it may be hard for me to go through all of my videos in order to understand my changing perspective based on those videos since 2021 to today, it is essential to preventing those past experiences from being forgotten. The lessons learned, experiences had, the specific situations, and the nuances involved are all essential in my journey, and if I am to forget the details of what happened in the last 3 years, then it will be like I have never truly lived them.

I have reached my destination, and I have grown much. But now, it is time for reflection and nostalgia. It is time to remember everything now that I have reached emotional stability and a point of independence and capability that I can write down everything and make sense of it all. It will take patience, and I will have to give up on experiencing the moment and the trends from time to time. However, I am not necessarily giving up "the moment", because my deep reflection is my moment, even if it is not the traditional concept of "the moment" as it is visualized typically in that it is fast-paced, exciting, and full of social life.

Imagine being a young teenager and having the greatest time of your life, and then you become a horrible, bitter, hating older adult even if you had such a good childhood. That is what forgetting does to a human being. All the lessons learned, the nuances, the memories made, the people befriended and cherished, and the moments of growth have faded.

[REDACTED]

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August 05, 16:05:29
Observation: The "BRO Tax" in LoL Esports


It is so interesting to see in League of Legends esports that there is this trend of the top team, one of which was 17-1 (17 wins and 1 loss), taking a hit from one of the worst teams, that being "BRION". BRION has this history of taking down the strongest teams, even if they're 1-12 (1 win and 12 loss).

It only happens every so often, so the League of Legends esport co-streamer "CaedreL" called it "BRO tax", given that "BRO" is the acronym of "BRION".


August 05, 18:00:55
Sufficiency of a Summary


I mean, it's a summary. It's not supposed to be expanded upon. I'm glad that it addresses numerous minor points already; though, there is much that is not mentioned.


August 05, 18:30:02 – August 05, 18:30:57
Calculating Speaking Words Per Minute


In 170 minutes, I spoke 22,847 words, putting me at about 134.394118 words per minute (wpm). This puts me a little over the average, which is from 110 wpm to 130 wpm.


August 05, 22:35:21
The Macaroni Question (Incomplete)


What happened to the maccaroni? A


August 05, 22:38:13
Slowing Down: The Need for a Break from Ecosystem Building


I am starting to slow down, an I am starting to feel the need to step back and do nothing. Much of my efforts has been spent toward the writing process and toward establishing the ecosystem; however, at the cost of this, I have stepped back from addressing the rest of the world outside of the meta-reflections, which reflect specifically about the methodologies, empirical methods, and particular nuances necessitated to make more concrete and actionable the ecosystem and its elements, which started with my ongoing 1-million-word autobiography-journal.


August 05, 23:31:28
Memory: Webnovel "Never Die Twice"


I remember reading the webnovel "Never Die Twice" by "Maxime J. Durand (Void Herald)", and it has been years since I've read it.

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August 06, 00:27:42 – August 06, 00:58:00
Navigating the Past: Cognitive Load and Pacing Self-Documentation


It is normal to be scared of looking through past photos, looking through past novels I've read, looking through my Youtube watch history, and looking through past media consumed. As part of my broader initiative, I intend to write down much about the past, and that includes past media consumed. However, I can see that while I've made much progress, I have taken lots of breaks as well. This indicates that it can take a lot to look at the past. Reflecting upon the past based on my memories has historically been challenging for me on its own; however, reflecting on the past through looking at actual empirical data and not relying merely upon memories in my mind takes even more effort.

It is not the typical reasons. Specifically, in my case, it can take a lot to process, even if it is not necessarily negative. It is not about whether I've grown or not. It is not about whether I've regretted or not. It is not about privacy concerns, nor is it about fear of judgment. But it is about the capacity of the human mind to handle cognitively the details. It is like being expected to understand a large medical textbook without having read a single medical textbook outside of excerpts in textbooks giving only a passing mention. 

In the end, it takes patience and time, and for the most part, I focus mostly upon my mind as it is. This means that I'm working with the data already within my mind. It is like chewing a gum and continuing to chew it as much as possible until it reaches a point of culmination where it is best to throw it away already. Afterwards, one chews another gum. This is how I manage with the past. I chew, and I place restrictions during this chewing process to prevent overload, influx, and burnout. The goal is to have the data out there; however, it is best to keep it cognitively separated, focusing only upon what one can chew currently. It is breaking down essentially.

When I mentioned the foregoing topic, I did not intend it to mean that I did not know how to handle it. I mentioned it to make it clear. I am not always writing because I want help; for most of my writing, it is about addressing what one already knows in words.

This is why even if in a limited theoretical basis, it might seem intuitive to continue writing; however, it might be more effective to allow the mind to settle and engage in light consumption rather than to force the brain to process more and more data without breaks. While it might feel more ideal to use up all of my one's time writing and processing, it is not only about "chewing one's gum to its fullest before chewing another one" in regard to empirical data and the memories involved; it is also about not chewing all the time and taking breaks even during chewing and between each gum.

This is why it is okay that I'm not analyzing every media I've previously consumed. It is okay if it does not start just yet, and it has yet to begin with my recent growth and more sophisticated approaches to self-documentation. It is okay to sit down and let life settle and focus upon writing everything else and processing what one can handle at the moment. Ultimately, if I write 10,000,000 words regarding everything else, then that will serve as a powerful foundation for analyzing media. I do not have to rush it. I can let the non-fiction writing cover everything else first and let it cover in succeeding levels of depth. In the end, the goal is to leave it as it is and to let it flow, even if it may look non-linear. However, there is linear overall growth in letting the mind rest and write what it wills. 

It was not a specific color. It was just when I picked a color that did not contrast against the background image and did the opposite, making it barely readable. It reminded me of older thumbnails from the early 2010s with the lack of standardization on readability in thumbnails. Nowadays, we have tools like "Canva" to make thumbnails that fit within the modern landscape of clarity, accessbility, and minimalism. Moreover, these tools do not just fit in, as they are much more flexible and easy to use compared to tools from the early 2010s.

There are definitely other visual cues such as shapes and patterns that can trigger specific memories and feelings; however, it is usually a result of a confluence of sensations and elements that stimulate enough to warrant a trigger or "get all the ridges of the key right to unlock the door".

When it comes to the difference between my current appreciation for visual design and when I was younger, I cannot answer this question, given that I have liked both "low-quality" aesthetic and modern aesthetic, which I would not necessarily characterize as "more refined". My personal development has not lead necessarily to increased refinement, given that the quality of a piece is as much as it is to the beholder, so what my younger self saw was real. It is just that they are now "low-quality" because it is cultural perception changing. 

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August 06, 11:05:10 – August 06, 11:19:56
Evaluating Questions and the Power of Vagueness in Understanding


are these good questions "You mentioned your desire to help others, which is tied to your personal development. Do you see your efforts to spread empathy through your writing and digital ecosystem as part of this desire to help others, and if so, do you have any specific goals or metrics for measuring your impact?

You mentioned that your autobiography-journal and digital ecosystem are seamlessly integrated in your call for empathy. Can you elaborate on how these elements work together to create this larger call for empathy?"

I was wondering if they sound too generic, or are they grounded questions? As a writer, I'm concerned over whether I'm answering generic questions or not, as I favor depth. But I recognize accessibility as well, but the question is whether the aforementioned questions are excellent to disseminating the depth of my ideas.

Are vague and broad questions good in understanding in an open-ended way a person?

Vague and broad questions I feel open up room for specificity, personality, and communication style. People will respond vastly different to vague questions, because they will understand basic words drastically differently from each other.

Then, of course, as time goes on, like an AI language model, the questions can grow more specific to elicit highly specific reactions and responses, whether intense or thoughtful. The goal is to expose the person to questions and angles that they would not otherwise have discovered if they lived within surface-level social structures.

Vague and broad questions are good ways to train a person as well, because charisma relies not upon the audience, but upon the performer to extrapolate much out of little.

Vague and broad questions are like a blank canvas.

Vague and broad questions are perfect to use against a person who is used to their own intense depth, which can be narrow in field of thought. This way, they are exposed to grounded reality and are forced to learn how to make their ideas more accessible.

It is like an singer-guitarist who is so talented at making songs on the spot. He is so good alone, but when he is exposed to livestreaming himself making up songs on the spot, he has to be accessible to others. This means, his lyrics and melodies have to be soft and gentle and accompanied by his coherent conversation, discussion, and responses, before he can develop a published livestream adaptation of his original improvisational song-making.

This is why someone can be good at recording themselves, socializing, and conversing with others, whether it be friends and strangers. This is because in the case of recording themselves, they know their own context and speak to themselves primarily. When they are socializing and conversing with others, even if they are strangers, they have a shared context, and they can rely upon real-life elements like body language and tone, among others, to help them navigate a conversation seamlessly. Online, however, when livestreaming, it takes much intention to ensure that one is accessible rather than alienating to a broader audience beyond the people to whom they have access in real life. This is why livestreaming can take years for even the most sociable people to get used to.


August 06, 12:35:07 – August 06, 12:44:13
Revisiting and Systematizing 2016 Roblox Game Code


Okay, I've finally decided to do that. I will finally go back and systematize the entire code of a Roblox game I made back in 2016. This is 8 years ago. I've wanted to do it for a long time now, and now that I feel a lot more relaxed, I can actually go ahead and streamline the code to my current standards.

I do not want to update it much; however, the goal is to optimize everything and focus on making the code systematically accessible and readable to the point that anyone who comes across the code can read it easily by itself and with the aid of documentation. I will do everything manually to ensure that it is not only readable as it is, but the context and intentions behind everything is understood.

Descriptive file names, consistent indentation, meaningful variable names, function signatures, comments, code formatting, avoiding magic numbers, modular code, clear file structure, top-level comments, inline comments, README file, class descriptions, variable descriptions, and folder hierarchies are already standard for me; as for why this is the case, the context is much different now. It was hard to make sense of the code as it is in the past, because while I may have been good at coding, I was not good at processing ideas and empirical data, like code, systematically. I am skilled at doing this now through writing. This means that the entire process and code can be mapped out and illustrated in writing. This is better than the comparatively vague comments of text around the code, and I did not like doing that back in the day. So now that I'm a writer, I can do what my 2016 self could not.


August 06, 13:04:04 – August 06, 13:20:40
File Structure of Roblox Game "Traverse"


Roblox Studio game "Traverse" (formerly "Castle Defence")

Workspace

Camera
Terrain
BattleMusic
Teams
ArenaMode
BlueSet
Broken Every Unit
CastleScripts
CoreStatueScripts
Disaster Events
GameStart
GateScripts
HorseSpawn
MapChoosing!
Object Finder
RatingMode
RatingMode2
RedSet
SpawnLocation
Stuff
TeamRandomizer
UPDATES SINCE MAY 16, 2016
2CoreWall
BlueCastle
BlueWall
BlueWall
CoreWall
GUIBills
Hill
Hill
Hill
Hill
RedCastle
RedWall
RedWall
AISpawn
Baseplate
Bruh1
Bruh2
CountDownParty
CountDownParty
Killer
OneWayDoor
OneWayDoor
OneWayDoor
OneWayDoor


August 06, 15:01:47 – August 06, 15:51:22
The Value of "Wastefulness" and Embracing Imperfection Over Fragile Perfection


I think it's great that I live such a "loser waste-of-space" life. I am pointing out the fact that because I allow myself to a "waste of space" at times, I am able to address things I would not otherwise address if everything that I did was streamlined to utmost certainty. I remember watching 18 Olympic gymnastics failing because the thing they were jumping over and on was a few inches lower than it should have been. It reminded me that these people perfected a particular move, but it depends highly upon a given standard height. This could be viewed as an example of why it is best to allow a person to be live a life that goes beyond the narrow streamlined effect of "perfection" and focus upon letting one be a "waste of space", because it allows for a more thorough way of life. I address things that I would not otherwise address if my life was streamlined to the point of becoming a well-oiled machine. Ultimately, a self-pinning well-oiled machine situation is also vulnerable, so being a "waste of space" mitigates that.

It is not that I am wasting time necessarily; however, it can feel like a waste of time to get away from continuous work. Even the breaks are timed and systematic. This can be dangerous, because it leads to the illusion of control, and our emotional intelligence is not best trained with the illusion of control, but with the recognition of the chaos of reality and adaptability.

Being "a waste of space" at times allows for a more varied experience of life. It is okay not to have life that is streamlined to utter self-pinning well-oiled machine no-escape perfect, because when just one tiny thing goes wrong, it all falls part.

One would think that going to the gym everyday would lead to improved well-being, but that is not necessarily the case. It can become the self-pinning well-oiled machine no-escape "perfection," such that as soon as one skips a day or becomes sick for a week, they fall apart entirely.

It is much better to find a way to be happy even if it means not going to the gym. This is a healthier perspective of life. It is true that sleep, exercise, and healthy diet are essential to well-being; however, there are nuances to it as well. Learning how to be emotionally stable even if one does have the perfect diet, exercise, and sleep is much more valuable in the long term.

Let me give more examples. In League of Legends, there have been content creators who got popular solely because they are good at making flashy plays, so they got lots of clicks because of those plays. However, they are not usually consistently high in rank because their macro, in contrast with their good micro on a one-trick pony champion, is weak. Pro players that are good at both micro and macro dominate the game; however, for the most part, macro can be often enough such that it is fine even if your jungle clear is not the most efficient and your combos on particular champions could have been much better micro-wise. So there are numerous pro players who have a small champion pool but have passable macro. In "Counter Strike : Global Offensive", there was this pro player who was good at "flick"-shooting at an enemy far-away, but not at an enemies nearby. This meant that he was good at making these flashy trick shots called "flicks".

Besides gymnastics, the above-stated two could be viewed as examples of self-pinning well-oiled machine no-escape "perfections", in that they achieved a particular goal so well. But their "fundamentals" were weak.

Gimmicks can be extended to art and novels; however, I'd say this is much more subjective. But in the case of art and novels, there are numerous ways they can be the foregoing well-oiled machines. To start, realism is often seen as the embodiment of good art, but it can be used to disguise someone's lack of creativity. Novels that use eye-catching premises may work well in getting an audience; however, it will be treated and consumed like popcorn branded with one's favorite anime—gimmick.

It is better to lie down and do nothing oftentimes. There are cases when it is great to write everything down and pour the entirety of the dirty water out into the ground to make sure it is exposed for one to see. However, there are times when it is best to let things go and fall down, letting gravity do its work. The moment calls for so much, yet our attempts to break the routine, create a new routine, or adhere to the routine can be disguises for the same old routine-adhering life. Our breakbeats create sections that extend throughout the whole system: when the sections were "broken," they were in fact extended through segmentation and interpolation. Sometimes, it is best to wake up in a moment and to let it slip if it means that we can secure a sense that all of the things that we are are here definitively. Sometimes, the moment lacks definition. In cases that we become a "waste of space", we free ourselves from the need to conquer our "wastefulness" and thus allow reality to swallow us whole in all its pluralism and eclecticism, without the need to rely upon a grand narrative. In the end, this can be considered to be structured and organized, given that I write about it as if it is a structured method to use.

Our mental well-being can benefit by watching the rain fall and letting it disappear forever in the flow of life, because it never truly disappears. There is no disappearance when we are all together in this "wastefulness", like a giant heap of mess. But it is not necessarily a negative one. It is allowing reality be.

The mess of nature. Oh how we try to appease it and then to backstab it when it trusted us most with its purities and wholesomenesses. We treaded upon it as if it were a baby at one point, but by our institutions, infrastructures, and industries, we have cast it below us and have treaded upon it with hatred, such that we may mold it and call it a dirty rag, saying that it is ours, it is ours! We were never meant to see it as this thing that was our own beyond that reality that we are all together in this giant heap of mess and waste. We are all together wholesome and wonderful. Why can't we see that? We should see nature as this thing that is this flow and not this thing that must be obtained so that we, through our inability to perceive the illusion of our control, can destroy everything in the process, because we are afraid that the rain and the jungle sights will disappear before we are able to control them fully. By destroying them, we hope that we can all be together in the end, with the illusion of control maintained. But we will never arrive at it. The illusion needs to be broken! We will never arrive at the point of time, and we shall be here forever and ever in waiting. This is the flow. The attempt to ask it to be ours is like a child asking their parent to be their child. We are children of earth.

Through our language which we placed upon books made out of trees, we sought to control the beauty in front of us whereof we were too afraid to let go. We could not let the rain fall and disappear. We had to grab it and wish it to be ours, so that we can be together forever and ever. But the truth was that we were always together, because the rain never truly disappeared. It is all together in this continuousness.

For example, I notice that in my head, what I was thinking of doing was grabbing the information I saw in this Youtube Shorts video. It addressed why sales can be scams in that they are there for most of the year, making them effectively there for the sake of making people feel as if they are buying something at a cheaper price than it is originally. In the comment section, I saw a comment that addressed price tracking as a way to deal with the inconsistency of prices, especially given the complexities of watching out for inflation, deceptive marketing prices like "sales scams", and other potential factors that contribute to particular price of a particular product. However, while learning and systematizing an initiative to dealing with this entire issue is an important matter, it is also crucial to remember that prices can be highly subjective in that they are subject to so many factors that judging prices can be almost subjective, not only on the customer's part, but on the seller's, given that they can only know so much about the factors and elements involved in the economy in the nuanced and specific contextual scale. I was reminded of the news aggregator service "Ground News", which claims that they can point out articles from the left, center, and the right in order to help mitigate bias in consumption. While this may make sense in the context of the West and in America especially, the concepts of left, center, and the right highly vary elsewhere. Moreover, the idea of a news aggregator service and the laws involved will vary much as well, not only today, but in the future. The history of media and moved information is great, the complexities, nuances, and specific contexts are vast and rich, and the future carries much that we don't know.

The reason why all of this is relevant is because there is this idea that I have gathered information and can now go through them; however, if I think about it hard, then I must recognize also how all of these different information come into play when it comes to the actualities of their effectiveness upon me. Now, aggregating all kinds of information together in order to form a portal ecosystem through which others can be enlightened is a worthwhile endeavor. But if my goal is to do it solely for others' benefit, then I must say so deliberately. Nuance is more than just about collecting price information and understanding the left, center, and right from the context of the West. Sometimes, nuance means putting everything at a distance and questioning the very fabric of everything that seems to be enlightening. Just because it is new information or a potential quarry of knowledge, it does not mean that it is effective or valuable whatsoever in the context of the relevant elements of my current life. In fact, I can clean my room, but one must recognize and set the definition of what the room is supposed to be, because I might end up cleaning and throwing away things that I will later want. "Cleaning" and "room" need to set apart, identified, and addressed as to how I perceive them and how I might perceive everything else extending from basic concepts, terms, and words like these. The normalization of Western standards of "left", "center", and "right" can give the sense that this is basic and essentially what it is. However, one needs to question whether something is truly normal in the sense that it can be viewed outside of the context in which it is mentioned often. Maybe that context is irrelevant in the grander scheme of its impact on my life in relation to my active participation in and recognition and incorporation of the words.

"Wastefulness" seeks to break open the epistemological well-oiled machine beyond the mere ontological frameworks to which we have been exposed and which we have been made to recognize insofar that we treat it as systematic or systematized reality, or simply, reality in its most objective form or format—via consumption.


August 06, 16:33:49
Process Art


Process Art

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August 06, 18:39:33 – August 06, 19:00:23
The Evolving Concept of "Person" and the Internet's Impact on Knowledge


When I saw a Youtube Shorts video that mentioned that cats don't know that they're cats and that they learn about "what they are" by observation, it made me realize a fundamental reality about people. We don't know that we are "people" as the current international culture circulating around the Internet tells us that we are. "People" can vary widely in scope and particulars, and not everyone will agree upon a definition, applying a measure of discrimination toward those that they perceive to fall out of the range of what they would consider to be people or fellow people. It is not blatant discrimination. It can happen with the disparity of roles and status, wherein people from different positions will perceive those in lesser positions in a way that does not reflect their perception of "people", which demonstrates that their perception of "others", "fellows", and "people" do not extend analogously to those in lesser positions. When the definition of "people" has a particular scope with distinct elements that a person considers to be fundamental, they may not find themselves applying and expecting the same from those in lesser positions and statuses, because there can be a profound cultural disconnect between individuals from different cultures and statuses.

This means that the "person" that I was back in my early years is not the same "person" that I use today. I may use the word "person"; however, there is a profound cultural disconnect between the person that I used in my early years and the person that I use today. It is not a simple matter of age, but as I've grown up, I've become more exposed to the Internet. This has led to cultural homogenization, which some might call "normalization" or "standardization"; so this means that I'm potentially much more capable of communicating across a wide range of people within the scope of surface-level Internet, not necessarily by buzz words and slang, but through familiarity. However, this means also that I am not actively exposed to the aspects of the world that are not accessible to me unless I search them out consciously. To explain, I have lived a traveling outgoing life in my younger years, and much was novel, including phones, computers, and the Internet. The world today has grown accustomed to phones, computers, and the Internet and has moved on from older technologies that used to be so prevalent. This means that the culture of the early 2010s and the 2020s have a large chasm that affects not only the way people interact but the way people perceive themselevs in comparison to how their younger self in the early 2010s perceive the word "person".

At the cost of increased access to knowledge, the Internet, and education, one can say that I have lost the particulars and details of my childhood that made me unique in comparison to my "accessible" form in the early 2020s. The word "accessible" is arguable, given that I was accessible in the early 2010s; it was just that the culture between the early 2010s and 2020s was much different. But accessibility can be considered to have remained constant relevant to the particular needs and traits of my younger self and his socio-cultural environment up to the "accessible" 2020s form.

However, even the term "knowledge" is debatable here, while "education" can be argued so as to refer to "formal education", and the Internet is an apt term to describe the Internet itself, the "increased knowledge" of the 2020s is not necessarily an increase in actual knowledge. I have said in previous journal entries that the accumulation of knowledge does not necessarily create new knowledge necessarily. In fact, this accumulation can end up eroding one's recognition of the nuance and complexities of their small-world environment before their exposure to the Internet. In other words, the small-world environment was already vast and rich, and the Internet did not necessarily make it richer and more vast in the sense that the active effectiveness of my knowledge and role could be said to be socioculturally sufficient, whether in practical application or on a symbolic level. This means ultimately that the 2010s can be said to have begotten its own knowledge currency, as the 2020s did for itself. 

I may have done more for the community during the days that I was unexposed to the Internet than when I was exposed to the Internet; however, this is subject to discussion and can be viewed as subjective. In recent years, the time that I have spent in my room at home all day everyday on the Internet at my computer desk has brought much in terms of familiarity when it comes to the elements and structures of the Internet, whereof I would otherwise be ignorant and shocked upon exposure. Due to the wellspring of exposure, numerous unique instances of various matters have instead contributed to a growing sense of engagement that encompasses not only the individual self within my memories and self-understanding in the current sequence of my recent days, but also the broader identity within the Internet and the world. This goes beyond news pamphlets and reaches up to the crevices which would otherwise be invisible to my existence. However, with this accumulated knowledge and familiarity, that does not mean that I am digitally literate or understanding, synthesizing, and applying everything that I've learned and all the resources to which I've gained access. This means that I could be very well less intelligent if we are speaking in terms of contextually bound contributions of one's local sociocultural environment than my outgoing traveling, community-oriented, and sociable younger self. However, again, this is more so to emphasize the point that the "essentials" such as the word "person" should be taken as a cue to inquire against the very epistemology surrounding our modern day as we separately experience it.

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August 07, 12:40:48
Imagined Snow Village: A Potential Fiction Setting


I have this imagination that I got. I forgot where I got it, but I think I got it from Minecraft or just out of nowhere in the past. It was this imagined place that was in the snow, and I remember that it was this village-looking place in the tundra or snow environment. It might have been from the snow village scene from Raya and the Last Dragon; however, it might have come from much before that.

I was charmed by this imagined snow village place, and it was much different from the snow village scene from Raya and the Last Dragon,. I remember that it had large walls and that it felt more like it was set in Minecraft, even if it looked realistic rather than like Minecraft.

I was thinking of doing something with this imagination, like writing a fiction world about set in it.

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August 07, 17:42:23 – August 07, 17:46:26
The Creative Potential of Boredom and Monotony


Doing things that are boring are strangely helpful in helping me relax and wind down. I've been recently bored of watching League of Legends esports; however, I watch still out of habit. But it is also because there is this strange relaxation about watching, even if it is boring. It is something that I have demonstrated as well with Youtube Shorts. Even if most of the things in Youtube Shorts are boring, sometimes, the monotony and boredom helps me relax, and I use it to help me sleep.

It is weird. It is like staring at a wall sometimes. The more aware I am of this, the more likely I am going to change it and stop doing it. Sometimes, it takes a while to process and realize that a habit has become boring and monotonous.

While watching, for some reason, the boredom and monotony was enough to make me feel this sense of inspiration and have this idea. It is connected to the word "eating room"; for some reason, it is not this word per se. But it is what this word represents. I think there is a source of creativity that I've associated with this word. I think it is because of the fact that "eating room" is an unusual word for "dining room". The fact that it is an unusual term is what makes it fill a space that the standard terms don't. It has to do with creativity I think. Anyway, this conversation is not about "eating room", so in conclusion, boredom and monotony is something that allows my mind to wander and think about other things while I'm watching. I'm not really engaged and often just letting my mind loosen up and free. A lot of free-range thoughts emerge during this time.


August 07, 19:18:57
Nostalgia for Early Minecraft, Roblox, and Smosh


I remember older Minecraft. I remember the videos that I and many other people enjoyed at the time. I remember the secret room videos, the "5 Ways" and "10 Ways" videos, the Minecraft maps by "FVDisco", the Hunger Games songs and servers, Element Animation, Slamacow, ExplosionTNT, songs like "How Do I Craft This Again" by "The Yogscast" and "I Can Swing my Sword" by "Tobuscus", among many others.

I remember older Roblox and how people were fine with simple games like those that involved mere building and defending against enemies or an endless waterfall or boat ride.

I remember how much Jeremiah liked watching Smosh, even if I did not necessarily like Smosh as much as he did. This is the reason why Jeremiah liked Assassin's Creed, because Anthony, one of the two classic shows of Smosh, loved it and even made a music video about it. I did watch a lot of Smosh, but I did not watch it as much as he did.

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August 07, 21:41:18 – August 07, 21:53:07
The Efficacy of Digital Tools for Study and Documentation


I was thinking just now after watching a study video that shows a student having so many different forms of notes and being so organized. However, they are using physical materials and relying upon all sorts of physical ways to structure, segment, synthesize, create lists, and summarize. It makes me feel privilged to be able to study and document using a keyboard alone due to my extensive digital experience and familiarity. However, many might argue that using digital tools is not as effective due to distraction, but I feel that that is just a stereotype. While it may hold true for many, it is not necessarily a universal true, as nowadays, digital tools have reached the point of mitigating numerous issues in relation to documentation, especially that of the use of all kinds of paper. Having all these at hand can be habitual, and one can reach the point of thinking that one's intense familiarity with these makes it so that there is no other option. However, I believe that digital note-taking and studying is way more possible than it was before. Nevertheless, I recognize that many are taught to believe that computers and the Internet can impede one's studying, even if that is not necessarily true. People may traditionally associate computers and the Internet with people getting into computer science and with people who stay in their room and play video games all day. But this stereotype is losing ground, as people discover that there is so much to gain from computers and the Internet, even outside their traditional associations.

This made me think of the fact that I can easily write and publish hundreds of stories in all kinds of places because of my strong familiarity with writing and with navigating the Internet. This means that I can organize my files very easily, go about my business surfing through all kinds of tools and applications, write down extensively about my digital systematic process in order to refine it further, sometimes treating the subject of epistemology in terms of self-documentation and writing itself in a meta way, and draw all kinds of resources and having their usefulness kept within my sight more than what notes in the limited space of a room can encompass, among many others.

I can write so much about my past and write so much in response to feelings, sensations, and imaginations. For example, the 2012 Minecraft feeling concerning the road and the forest can be easily transmuted into various digital forms, especially in writing.

However, it will be the case that one would need to have lived with digital tools for their entire lives, and they would have to have found charm in the digital space for them to spend 15 years engaging with these tools. I, for one, have been engaging with these tools since I was still around 4 years old, and I am now 21. Of course, the "digital tools" themselves have changed much, and it was only in the early 2010s that I started using digital tools to a much greater degree, using at least an hour a day during this time. However, recently, since 2021, I have been using an upgraded computer with an upgraded Internet as well, and I have my own personal room now. This means that I have so much experience and familiarity and have seen the evolution of computers and the Internet much. It makes sense why I am advocating for the use of digital tools, because I understand that there are numerous people that did not grow up like me and there are those that did. People who have not grown up like me may see things traditionally and teach those who grew up in the digital era of the 2020s that they should avoid using their computers. However, this is starting to become rarer by the day, as the 2020s opened up so much in terms of acceptance of the technology and Internet all around us. This is why I believe that this year, especially with the recent onset of AI language models, is the perfect time to engage with the digital space and with digital tools.

The best part is that I can get the best out of both worlds—physical and digital—by allowing myself to engage with the comfort and sense of order that I love in highly organized physical note-taking and studying through Youtube videos while using digital tools myself. Oftentimes, it is a matter of getting into the mood and allowing oneself to visualize and take inspiration and imagination from virtually accessed concepts, sensations, and feelings like a highly organized workspace from a Youtube video in order to take advantage of the entirety of the digital space in that it allows for one to connect to any concept with instantaneous ease while ensuing that one can maximize their hold over the digital space through their individual skills as a writer and as a digital citizen.


August 07, 21:53:34
Incomplete Thought on Usage


I am not necessarily using 


August 07, 22:20:50
Considering Personal Wikis and Databases


Personally, I notice that even though I would love to start using things like personal wikis or databases that Obsidian, Anytype, and Notion offer.

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August 08, 04:15:44 – August 08, 04:16:10
Return to Main Computer and Textpad


Okay, now that I've finally transferred back to my main computer. I can type here again in this Textpad application that I actually started using on the laptop.


August 08, 04:17:43 – August 08, 04:21:23
A Pure World, Nothing Left to Think


The world is a pure place, and there is nothing left to think about whatsoever.


August 08, 04:25:22 – August 08, 04:26:18
Remembering Order, Yearning for Complication


I remember much in the order of things, and I yearn to complicate things.

Well, I guess that's all there really is.

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August 08, 12:41:39
Considering JSON Format for Writing


By the way, should I start getting used to json formats as a way to write? I have been strictly exclusively writing in plain text files, because I'm worried about accessibility and convertability. However, is the json format worth getting into? I feel that I can easily learn how to use VS Code for files like this, given that I notice that plain text files can be limited; however, the issue is that json formats are usually done in a separate file.


August 08, 12:43:47
Comparing Plain Text and JSON Journal Formats


Qualitative text as opposed to just a bunch of data is always more advantageous for me when it comes to writing as an approach, even if JSON does provide room for adding description, because it demands that the entire file be placed into JSON formatting. Now that is not necessarily bad, because I tend to format my text in journal entries:

So it looks originally like this:
"

August 08, 12:43:00
Blablabla

"

August 08, 12:43:04
Blabla"

But I can make it look likie this:
"
[
    {
    "timestamp": "

August 08, 12:43:00",
    "content": "Blablabla"
    },
    {
    "timestamp": "

August 08, 12:43:04",
    "content": "Blabla"
    }
]
"

Though there is the concern that I will likely be forced to write using \n rather than just pressing spacebar. Now this is not hard to get used to, but it is a valid concern.


August 08, 12:48:25
Efficiently Displaying File Structures with Plain Text


In the end, it might be more efficient to have a dedicated link to a page that shows a tree-like structure, since I'm going to need the tree-like structure only once to display files, folders, and subfolders.

This way, I can use the plain text file and just have a link to a page.


August 08, 12:49:24
JSON for Tree Structures with Browser Viewer


any application or software or browser thing that allows me to write in tree-like structures while adding descriptions or something. Actually, you know what. I can use the json format and then have a browser show the json format in a readable way.

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August 08, 16:15:49
A Cruel World and an Emergent Sky


The world is a cruel place, and the sky emerges out of the link


August 08, 17:41:31
Belated Appreciation for Google Docs' Utility


I just realized that I could have used Google Docs this entire time. What the hell is this? I was never told how to use Google Docs, and I never thought it was as useful as I thought. For the longest time, I never thought it was as useful as I see it now to be. I cannot believe that I spent numerous years having been ignorant of all the features that Google Docs offer.

Recently, I've moved to relying upon a single plain text file. The reason this has been beneficial for the longest time is because it is very light upon the computer, and the reason I avoided using Google Docs is because it could not handle my desire to squeeze in millions of words into a single text file. However, the reason why I am surprised and awed by Google Docs is because I realize that it is so much easier to use than something like LaTeX. In essence, I taught myself to use all sorts of text editors and LaTeX to expand my experience and familiarity. For the longest time, I relied upon LaTeX as the best way to write in the PDF format. However, I realize now after trying to use some images with features such as "wrap text" and learning how to use Google Docs all around and many other Google services like Google Docs and Google Photos, I realize just how cumbersome LaTeX has been. 

However, I do not regret spending the time to learn LaTeX and getting myself used to numerous text editors, because it has expanded my digital familiarity overall.


August 08, 17:59:46
First Google Docs Caption by Yokseekan


Hi! I’m Yokseekan! I am 21 years old as of writing this! And this is just a little tiny caption from me! My first one too here in Google Docs!

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August 08, 21:49:36 – August 08, 21:50:03
Hugo Server Commands


hugo server --buildDrafts for "my-docs-site"

hugo server --theme hugo-book for "thechameleonscribe.github.io"


August 08, 21:56:15 – August 08, 22:21:51
Subjectivity in Writing, Vague Criticism, and Embracing Discomfort


By the way, is there such a thing as standardized writing in the sense that it should serve as a guiding light? Or is it very, very subjective in the sense that it is varies so widely and is so subject to culture, context, shifts, and individual personalities and preferences?

For example, writing can be standardized in the sense that it is right grammar; however, many people will say that it should be written in another way. Others will argue that certain writing styles are not standard even if they are right grammar because they think it sounds strange. For example, they might consider certain types of writing poetic and other poetic writing to be awkward and stilted. The concept of "awkward and stilted" when it comes to literary criticism is very subjective and contradictory when one attempts to gather together numerous different opinions, ideas, and concerns, as a reader may say one thing but be fine with another in contradictory ways. They may find two similar things contradictory and two contradictory things similar.

And I have seen a many criticisms that are the opposite of alienating; however, they can be surface-level and vague, often amounting to a mere insult without a clear and detailed in-depth explanation that is standardized and formalized to ensure that the writer can best benefit. For example, their criticisms will rely on modifiers like "too little" or "too much"; however, they will not specify specifically. It is like someone mentioning terms that catch the support of a certain electorate without alienating others. Oftentimes, they are buzzwords to rally a unified negative perception, even if the negative perception, when analyzed by each individual, is highly contradictory in character. However, since the criticisms are kept at a surface-level, the negative perception is never deconstructed and revealed to be a mere attempt at joining the bandwagon and swaying public opinion even without actual criticisms besides "too little" and "too much", which are vague enough that the highest portion of the "electorate" feel related and heard. 

Being very specific and constructive can alienate a more unified and polarized unison of negative perception, since their main goal is not to address the author's particulars and their distinct writing and situation, but to appeal to the sensations—also called sensational.

It is like saying "I think this is too much," and when they are called out on it to explain, they give vague talking points that they have heard. And these talking points are so vague that they provide nothing but a buzzword to rally up fellows toward a unified negative perception. It is so vague that when called out, it crumbles immediately. This is why instead of arguing for themselves, they focus on pointing to a general perception, mentioning phrases like "but others are concerned about this" and "but others have said this is problematic". The use of "but others..." is a simple way to give a sense of validity while avoiding accountability and the requirement of delving into their argument at the risk of isolating themselves in their individual perception and argument with regard to the subject, thus exposing themselves to be actually sensational. Those who see this loss will not see this as a loss to their shared argument, but see this as a mere failure separate from their argument. This means that as long as they are continuously supplied with sensational vague statements that appeal to the sensations that are not backed up but arise out of mere conditioning and anecdotal intuition, they will continue to act as if they have already answered everything, because they have avoided the topic of the subject and themselves and have entered into the idea that their ideas are validated by generalization and "general" perception.

When they delegate the very act of thinking to others instead of describing themselves what they are doing in detail without the use of buzzwords and circulating talking points and "but others...", then that is a step toward thinking for oneself. This can be done through journaling and writing in detail about one's entire life in a way that allows oneself to separate from traditional ideas, perceptions, structures, preferences, and standards and trends, neologisms, and current issues.

This means stopping a sentence before saying, "Well, that's just the way it is." This means halting in the middle of a sentence and wondering what is going to happen next. Or it can just be a simple statement like, "But... what? why? who? where?" These are more than just questions with regard to a specific subject, but those of epistemology—diving into the very nature of oneself, the idea of self, the idea of what, the idea of where, the idea of words, the idea of language, the idea of "social", among numerous others that can be recognized, deconstructed, and replaced by more specific elaborations. Ultimately, the goal is to wonder what the hell is going on, but in a way that extends beyond even what is, but what is "is".

It is a balance between developing systematically and wondering whether the very essential epistemological elements can be trusted at all.

This is why discomfort is so important to me, whether it be physical, emotional, or cognitive. It is a consistent presence. But recognizing its power and cruciality allows us to "enjoy" discomfort, not because we find a twisted excitement in our struggle, but because we find that we are only as much as we are. Discomfort can serve as a reminder that there is so much that we are that we can be said to be not at all. I have become so much, seen so much, and experienced so much, but when I realize that I have forgotten all of those awesome, complex, nuanced, beautiful, and exciting memories to focus on the moment for the entire day, I find myself in a state of both discomfort and ease. It is nice to have memories emerging at the end of a day knowing that one has done their best the entire day. Discomfort can serve as a reminder that all of that which we are are so much to be defined and can be so little to be said about, because our minds can only do so much and is available only to so much that we can only do so much and that we can only think so much and decide so much and hope so much and feel so much. We are only as much as we are, and that allows us to be anything and nothing and something sophisticated and beyond "ourselves", that which brings us to a bigger, pre-divine purpose. I am referring to one that brings us so far into space and allows us to breathe. That is what we are, yet we are also our bodies. Yet we are not our bodies but something that we cannot be. It is this something that we cannot be that defines us in the sense that we define ourselves by that something that we cannot be, but we can never be that "ourselves" that we define ourselves to be. In other words, we are much as we can be, even if it means we believe ourselves to be something that we cannot be.


August 08, 22:27:56
Comfort and Renewal After Organizing Past Creations


Honestly, that statement is comforting to me, because I spent the entire day dealing with my own creations. It can take energy to spend much time arranging and fixing these things so that they are more presentable and organized, because I am looking at things that I was. These creations are relevant to me, but they are also irrelevant in the sense that they are of the limited past. I have grown much, but that does not mean that I do not find active benefit, productivity, and self-formation in arranging my previous creations. It is more so that engaging with them can require a level of immersion that is strictly emotional, and that emotion can make one feel trapped and "too known". Now, I am finally free from doing all of that, and I have done much. It is nice to be at the end of the day, and now I can eat. I would like to finish the project, but it will take time and patience. I have already done a lot, and I have only need to be patient and recognize what it is that I want overall, amid the concentration in which I engaged throughout much of the day until this moment wherein I am recovering my broader thought and sensing again the idea of self beyond the actions taken to order systematically my creations. Ultimately, the goal is to persist and to immerse, and the balance mediated by this moment is essential.

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August 09, 01:39:36 – August 09, 01:58:02
Navigating Writing, Data Analysis, and Livestreaming for Self-Documentation


I have never felt more distraught. It is not that I am overwhelmed or actually distraught. But there is this coincidence of awe and wonder and dread and sombriety. 

You know... I was thinking that it would be great if I just sat down and kept writing forever and forever, and it is its own skill to manage and go through data definitely. There is the temptation of being stuck writing and relying upon my own memories solely. That is dangerous, especially when I have loads of empirical data waiting to be contextualized. I guess that the reason why it can be more challenging to manage and take on pre-existing data is because writing by itself allows me to filter things, while empirical data can scream cognitively. So unpacking and deconstructing them can take much to synthesize and make sense of.

Basically, writing by itself (journaling without relying upon analyzing, organizing, and synthesizing empirical data directly) is an approach to breaking down monoliths of empirical data. However, sooner or later, I will have to treat, organize, synthesize existing data that is currently in my drives. It will take patience and time, as it can feel monotonous and stagnant compared to the freedom of writing endlessly. However, this allows me to improving my writing, organizing, and analytical, synthesizing, and systematic skills in taking on a very large project as well. It will take much patience, but ultimately, it will make me highly skilled in the digital space, given that everything is digitized.

Data analysis is not mere data analysis as well, because it will involve use up so much cognitive resources, because the very act of engaging in pre-existing empirical data with the above-stated methods encompasses so many aspects of cognition. Writing in the flow or journaling used to be challenging by itself for me. However, it uses less cognitive resources because much of it relies upon reflection and memory, and if one's mind has been tempered to sustain its own self-reflection and memory recall, then journaling will feel light and smooth. Nevertheless, engaging with empirical data is arduous because it goes beyond self-reflection and memory recall and exposes the mind to a high volume of resources from which self-reflection and memory recall can draw. This promotes intense self-reflection and memory recall; however, while it is creative in manageable amounts, it can be stunting and numbing when in excessive levels. It can be like staring into the abyss, and at one point, that is what mere self-reflection and memory recall in the context of journaling was for me. Ultimately, I believe that with time, I will be able to make sense of the vast and rich plurality of empirical data, because if I compare it to the realities of the entirety of my life, it is still tiny. That is why I have been pushing myself to synthesize things together, even at the cost of my emotional stability. However, I am taking care of myself now, and I am much more aware of my limitations, recognizing that I have already improved much.

I would say that journaling is summarizing. But in terms of levels of depth, something like recording or livestreaming myself talking in a stream-of-consciousness manner is even more concise and summarizing. Data analysis will still be summarizing, and the empirical data which represent the realities of the entirety of my life are summaries as well.

But if we put each of those in a hierarchy, livestreaming or recording myself conversing in front of a camera is the most summarizing, with journaling second, and data analysis third. If I recognize that data analysis is merely the least summarizing in this list, then I can acknowledge that while it is challenging right now, it is still very limited on its own. Sooner or later, I will go beyond data analysis and start collecting data beyond what I have already done. In light of data collection, it is actually the one that is least summarizing, but rather than viewing it as part of the hierarchy, I view data collection and its relationship with data analysis, journaling, and livestreaming to be actually symbiotic, even if they can be observed in a hierarchical way in the context of level of depth and summary.

I believe that livestreaming is useful, and it is why I am excited to start livestreaming again in order to ensure that I can effectively go about my daily and life and engage in straightforward language (similar to high-level programming) about the depths of my writing and self-documentation. This allows me to maintain fluidity in the interplay of both accessibility and depth, ensuring also a well-rounded and full interaction with the original knowledge received by sifting it through various levels of scope and focus with the intent to capture its entirety and guarantee my internalization of it.

However, livestreaming is stressful if I view it as the sole force of my writing and self-documentation, and that is why I shifting my focus to writing when an opportunity came for new growth. Writing has grown and started to stand on its own, some time after which I started collecting much data, synthesizing, organizing, and treating various subjects within wider networks of interpolations and interactions—which resulted in my current level of expertise. However, it is still the case that I have yet to master numerous aspects of my self-documentation. This is why livestreaming is one useful addition to my endeavor of establishing and streamlining a well-rounded and full approach. 

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August 09, 22:05:06 – August 09, 22:28:50
The Rejuvenating Power of Self-Deconstruction and Re-synthesis


I love putting myself through things that make me feeling like I need to re-organize and re-synthesize my mood, my identity, my pace, my work-environment, my productivity, my focus, and my scope. For example, immersing myself into particular activities like data analysis, wherein my constructed self is broken down my empirical data. As for use of the term "constructed", I refer specifically to the self generated by my sensory experiences. However, one could say that sensory experiences are more valuable than "empirical" data such as images. To clarify, the "empirical" extends both to sensory experiences and clear evidences such as images, but I denote a difference to emphasize that looking upon the concrete character of photos of my past can make one feel shattered in their self-concept, not necessarily to the point of a nervous breakdown, but more so in a way that requires them to recover physically and emotionally again in a symbolic recovery. This is what I mean by the re-organization and re-synthesis.

To further understanding, let me clarify that I prefer not to use the term "subjective" when it comes to lived experiences. To explain why, our sensory experience are not necessarily "non-objective", as they give light into a reality that a photo cannot capture, particularly our perspective, emotions, perception of words, images, symbols, ideas, concepts, visual signs, and language encompassing all sensory faculties.

I also would not prefer to use any other word indicating subjectivity such as "intersubjective." To expand the foregoing idea, our sensory experiences are empirical in that they bring light into objective reality through epistemology.

This is what I mean by the difference between concrete photos of my past and my memories of those past experiences. Their interplay can be considered harmonious in that photos can bring back memories that would be otherwise hidden forever; however, at the same time, activities such as looking as past photos can initiate a breaking-down of the constructed self insofar that it follows necessarily the re-organization and re-synthesis of my mood, my identity, my pace, my work-environment, my productivity, my focus, and my scope.

The self hinging upon the past as it is constructed upon our pre-breakdown synthesis of our memories is much different from the self informed by the post-breakdown re-organization and re-synthesis that are triggered by one's exposure to "empirical" photos of the past. This is especially the case when those photos reveals things that one would never have remembered otherwise.

In the foregoing case, the benefit of this breaking-down of self is that one is "free to become anything" in that they are experiencing a fresh start, because the rejuventative feeling immediately after re-organization and re-synthesis is incredibly powerful in directing one toward a more skilled and informed effort built upon newness and clarity.

That is why in terms of feeling, it can be beneficial to put oneself through things that make one feel like they need to re-organize and re-synthesize their mood, their identity, their pace, their work-environment, their productivity, their focus, and their scope.

It is that feeling of starting from square one again that can be a sign of newness and growth. This can be especially uplifting in the case of having lived through much challenges and "arcs" of life. That is why it is best to allow the "ugh-ness" of a re-synthesis–requiring broken-down self-concept.

If we think about it, we can write a new story with a profound sense of childish adventure and playfulness. We can do things that we have known in a way that defies the "repetitiveness of it all."

If we can look around at the same old places and rooms and feel strongly that this is a new start and a new world, that is newness and a fresh start—equating to growth in "cycles", "arcs", and new levels.

It is not about choosing the feeling. It is about stumbling upon new ways to break down the constructed-self (now hyphenated to denote the actual term rather than its meaning hinging upon the two words when viewed separately and outside of the foregoing context).

This is why while some might associate writing an autobiography-journal and looking at past photos as a source and expression of complacency and stagnation, it can be one of renewed growth, a way to defeat the great sense of repetition one feels by making sense of everything and internalizing all of it systematically so that repetition can be avoided intentionally.


August 09, 22:47:56 – August 09, 23:06:20
Poetic Walk: Embracing Ambiguity and the Divine Within Scope


I remember walking down this road many times. I think I was supposed to be sure about all of this, but for some reason, I have not been sure for so long. Maybe my idea of self has been corrupted, and I have yet to recognize even the very culture of this nascent being that I am to be. What do I suppose a “nascent being” to be even? 

I sat down idly and watched for a while, immersing deep into the moment; with every swing of my hands and arms, I found myself stretched and capable of stretching. It was this awareness of being able to energize my arms and to rid myself of my fatigue that procured me a sense of self; however, nowadays, it serve largely to be a form of bodily awareness. It is not that bodily awareness was invalidated at the point of the procurement of a sense of self, but there was a shift of focus toward the body and a drift away from that sense of self.

It was here that I was born, not one of the corporeal, but one of emotional improvement and relief. It was here that all things came together in a way that spoke loudly upon my recognition.

Immediately afterwards, I stood up and took this opportunity gladly to walk the longer distance, after having walked a short one.

Sounds drifted, pouring.

Red burning ice lava fires.

In the end, in the middle of the walk, even my thoughts found a sense of piece in the gibberish of life, that which can only be intimated rather than brought forth in reality-object replication. The ambiguity of the moment, and the sunless sky offered much in regard to a sense of space. The world made things clean, and there was nothing to be said about that.

“Eeky” sounds and their little voices make things weaponized. Light goddesses and their voices silky smoothly dancing everywhere.

And the night went on and on, and I knew well that my thoughts suspended all trace of coherence for the benefit not of representation, but of the ambiguity sustained by the separation between subject and object, which in itself is non-ambiguous, but upon sight is changed already, such as that in quantum mechanics, because to see is interaction.

Cars float by like angelic wings tethered to the clouds. As soon as I walk the sidewalk, there again a sense of peace was, and it remained like a man wearing his giant suit in the rain, drenched but capably present and stably committed to the cause of silence and of comfortable togetherness in that of a sleep so tightly hugging that silence is but the emergent moan of relief.

When the words float by, I am here, emergent, waiting, dancing, my sense of self an emergent thin created out of the materials of this earthly domain. I can only be but be, and there is much to be but not me, for “I” am not “me”. And no “me” can be “me” besides what I deign myself to be.

I question nothing and question all things, for in my attempt to question, the nothingness inherent in the mass of everything is thus a question upon itself, for its attempt to be all things and no-things is already a skeptical act of inquiry upon itself inherently. There is grace to be found here though, and the “I” in this statement is truly me in all its glory, but only in a capacity limited to my emotional well-being.

Thus I operate under the guise of a sense of peace and actually am at peace, because I am not the guise or the sense of peace or the “me” that operates under the sense. All of these things are nothingness and everything within my scope, such that it is epistemological connected to all things which are, even (if) in accordance to my empirical sensory experiences only and in a way that encompasses everything, or “an-everything”. There is but much to gain in the nonsense (of reality), so that is why I think in such a manner.

Dancing little flocks emerge out of the darkness, and upon my sight of them, I was there again at the start of it all, my memories flashing like bearded eagles that saw through the motions and declared themselves lord over the land. There was so much that I was and wasn’t.

I could live, and I could die. I did both and believed in an uplifted purview of all things, that which considers (renders) me divine. There is but a grace to be found in the pre-divine state though, in that it is emotionally triggered and epistemologically divine within the scope. I am a divine see-er because I am the god of the everything (which is within my scope only but is fully and truly such to be everything so).  In other words, I am only as much as I can be, that when I AM, I am so, such that “god” can be a descriptor to define my divine presence in this much, or everything, or an-everything. In conclusion, I am so such that I am divine within their own scope insofar that I am the god of my entire scope (or my everything, which should not be viewed as limiting such as in the term "an-everything", but as truly and fully everything).


August 09, 23:18:01 – August 10, 00:05:52
Vignettes: War, Totootoo's Morning, and a Boy with a Spear


The sounds were quiet, and swords joined together in friction, breaking upon too much contact, sliding against the open field and turning up as little blood-spread articles that cried to God for forgiveness.

Weapons they left the sole-like hands which thrust forth like weaponizing symbolic hammers, which stunted the growth of the emergent society in order to impose standards upon the emergence of much for the benefit of the ‘people-stability’, the abstractive collection of people as an averaged human being.

The weapons struck deep, entering into flesh wounds, thrusting through the tight tunnels of their bodies and emerging out like handmaidens casting themselves upon a celebrative dance.

Letters emerged in the form of screams tied together into knot-like disjointments that smoothened the feel of the blade upon striking, because a fatal-harbinging cry was a “Job well done!”

The noiseless shots of sword-like thrusts of spears added to the conflict of metal, threading two things together—the weapon and the shield at first, which was followed immediately by the weapon and the man-figure-head. The soul was liberated into out-existence.

Red burn-like sensations spread throughout, incensing the moment with a sage-like contradistinction. In other words, there was much clarity to be found between figure-objects (because the war objectified them) insofar that they were brought to mass individualizing isolation-recognition. In most simple terms, all combatants were made pointed-out as separate things in that battle due to the clearness brought forth by multiplying burn-like sensations.

The smell of the blackness of death charred into the minds of those present the idea of self as a man-made objectification (not that it was actually the case, but in an emotional sense, it was).

The drumming-into of explosions of flesh was magnified upon critical proximity with the most recent victims during any point of the battle.

Culminating, the war stopped like a wind passing by, tickling the edge of the door, disappearing like a mother in war.

***

The moment called, and a boy woke up.

The sun was loud.

But the night was quiet.

The door was knocking.

He got up and looked outside.

“Where are we?” he looked to say. He was too young to speak.

“Here, Sir,” said the frail older man that was the post-man. “I cannot kindly be giving you a treat, given your mother’s reservations about my work.” He was the boy’s father’s father.

Father’s father stood up when he found himself slouching, and he left, marching onward as best as he could, but failing ultimately in the end.

The boy busily closed the door and ran out to the back area, where he stumbled upon a thicket of potted flowers, sparse bits of sand crunching under his feet.

He welcomed the play he received upon sitting down on the concrete floor, where he saw his hands wet with poo.

He cried.

But he was immediately called upon by his mother, who said, “To too too!”

The boy’s name was Totootoo.

***

“Young man!” said a grouchy older man whose hands were placed deep in his trousers.

“Yes, Papa!” exclaimed a goody-two-shoes boy, who lived like the sailor of his dreams in that he obeyed as swiftly as he could. 

“Be a wise man and fix the shoelaces of your Ma,” said the older man, whose name was “Buscko.” 

“Go!” he shouted.

“Yes, Papa!” The boy ran like the wind caught his trousers and was about to get him in prison, leaving the house.

Inside, the older man sat down, looking around his home and thinking. 

A voice called to the side. He turned gradually.

“The boy knows his two things,” a mother had said.

The man got a good look.

She looked to be just waking up from a long nap, but she was only too tired to get up, having heard the entire conversation between Buscko and the boy. They were all a little tired today, but the boy was crispy.

Buscko, the older man, nodded before shaking his head, making direct eye contact with her.

“Even then, we should let him try his own way. I suggest a failure test.” Buscko raised his fingers playfully. Even if he did love the concept of a failure test, which concerned specifically the use of little magical gems as a way to test the boy’s capacity for independent thought and self-reliance, he knew well that the mother, who was his face (the one who represented him and handled anything that had to do with socializing, networking, and talking for him), would not be so kind toward it.

The mother did not have to speak, for her voice carried enough gruffness and her body language stiffness that she knew that he understood.

Meanwhile, on the outside streets, the boy cried, “Boy, oh boy!” He was up so close to the shop stairs before the sun touched the railings from his point of view. The railings were the things on the stairs, and he was not keen on exactly what made them work. But for him, this was his golden angle.

The finish line had been set, and his victory in two hands, in the form of a small toy that looked like a knight with a shield, armor, and a sword. It was only wooden, but oh how wooden it was in comparison to the mere house articles with which stories emerged through his hardiest imagination style.

The boy saw a little toy.

He grabbed it. “Boy, oh boy!”

The toy looked worringly similar to a spear.

The spear was charred black, and it looked like it was dropped on the road by a man who had been walking nearby.

A man fitting the description of a soldier stared at the boy.

The spear fell to the ground, as the boy found his tunic grabbed from behind.

The boy widened his eyes, as he found the sun that he had raced earlier blocked by the man’s looming mass.

The boy thought he was being sent away.

The man raised his hands.

He fell to the ground, as two men from out of nowhere stabbed him.

The boy watched.

It was a little moment.

He walked away.

The man was falling to the ground, reaching out toward the boy.

The spear was held in the boys’ hands.

The two men were too distracted to see.

The boy went around the corner.

He was heading home.

Bringing the spear.


August 09, 23:36:34
Thematic Coherence of Fictional Vignettes


rather than disjointed, I feel that each follow the same idea of conflict, so it is thematically coherent. All of them make sense together.

There is no physical straightforward progression of events that is commonly seen in the narrative of a person walking through their house, but there is an evocatvie list detailing the conflict.


August 10, 00:06:30
Writing Output Amidst Data Organization


Today (7 minutes ago), my writing style is close to 8,700 again at 8,697, but it was because I spent the entire day organizing and looking through data than dealing with them actually.


August 10, 00:17:40
A Young Man Sits Down Again


A young man got up and found himself sitting down again. 


August 10, 00:23:14
An Eternal World


The world is an enternal world

[REDACTED]


August 10, 00:31:37 – August 10, 01:05:33
Skepticism Towards "Easy" Apps and Valuing Writing Through Discomfort


I don't know if I'm resistant or anything, but for some reason, the idea of using applications like "Notion" inspire me but also make me feel strange. I think there is this strangeness that comes with ease and having a lot of things done for you. Maybe I'm so used to the limited character of the early 2010s that I find myself struggling to transition to newer tools that are useful. It is not that I don't use digital tools; however, I tend to use tools like Visual Studio Code or just an older text editor like "TextPad". Using applications like "Notion" weird me out because they feel so "easy". It feels like I'm so used to jumping the creek that I find walking across the bridge challenging. Or maybe that metaphor is inaccurate. I don't know.

It is weird... I think it's because it feels like applications like Notion look too weird. It feels like I'm subtituting actual good quality writing with visual structure and a sense of ease and having everything.

Just because the thumbnail and the language is clear, it does not mean that it is actually high quality (as opposed to being generic and vague and getting clicks only due to being so easy to consume). Clarity is not precision. Precision is not always straightforward.

This is why I avoid doing things like trying to make it the finished product immediately in the sense of turning into a PDF that I can show everyone already. It will be so easy to share it once I've taken the time to write actually good stuff. It is about learning how to write, not to present things in a visually appealing way. That is the issue about Notion. It is that it is probably very effective as a way to make sense of things in an ordered way, but it encourages structure and order, which are dangerous and can contribute to the idea that things have to make sense according to a plan necessarily. That is not systematic, to rely upon the idea of structure and order as things by which one should be limited. People and reality are ambiguous, and that is why it is crucial to allow the moment to "puke" out unfinished writings and incomplete creations, rather than forcing ourselves to make something full for fullness' sake. There is fullness in the ambiguity and incompleteness of optimal learning, in that we focus upon what energizes and refines us best.

This is why I believe that the person who writes the best writes even if they are uncomfortable, thirsty, humid, hungry, and in need of a shower. I am not saying that they will actually write very well, but it is those who train themselves to write even if they are uncomfortable that do write most consistently. It is not about letting discomfort happen; however, it is about learning to be tolerant and mindful of discomfort in a way that prevents them from invalidating the creative self. It is not something symbolic, but it is something done overtime. It requires relief of course at the end of the day, but the goal is to learn how to manage one's emotional well-being. It requires a high degree of emotional intelligence to write and learn effectively. In most cases, a high degree of intellect hinges upon emotional intelligence, because while those that live a sheltered life may possess a high degree of intelligence, most people live do not live sheltered upper-class lives that are specialized in generating highly intelligent people. Instead, they are forced to learn to deal not only with matters of the intellect, but with matters of the self and the affects of the self.

It is not about pushing through discomfort either. It is about experiencing discomfort in a way that allows one to reach upward. It is about the intensity of engaging with the practice of resilience in the form of an activity like writing. It is about being loud and angry, being silent and soft, and being everything that one must be. That is emotional intelligence, because writing occurs best when it is out of emotional intelligence, not permanent emotional stillness to the point of numbness.

To be clear, emotional intelligence is not about writing profanities on school papers. It is about writing expressively in a way that allows one to compartmentalize effectively their different needs. It is not about a compartmentalization of the self, but compartmentalization of one's methods in order to address systematically their emotions. That is emotional intelligence.


August 10, 01:09:28 – August 10, 09:27:38
Poetic Journey and the RPG-like Satisfaction of Academic Texts


The journey was quiet, but the moment was thin, like freshly, baked loaves that required little to dint. He disintered his feelings as if with a strong force of nature. He rendered his form more distinct by stretching his arms wide and pushing himself forth in a warm embrace against the hot, warm, visceral, textured, sticky, gripping, powerful moment. 

Then the moment collapsed and turned to dust afterwards.

Only as much as a window’s embrace was the sound of grass and leaves flourishing in the air, the wind-like sails of their leaf appendages careening back and forth.

He intimated at a sense of peace between him and the environment through the subtly evocative spring in his steps as he walked; like a butterly, he emerged, tearing through the air, not by forcing, but by fluidly tearing the thin film of wind upon wind bursting about, entering into his range of motion, and appealing to his range of emotion.

Quietly, he danced in rainbow’s arms, and where he went, there was grace to be found and all manner of beauty to be seen. Greatly, he waved his arms, flapping them like a man emerging out of a little bouquet.

He doffed the red, energetic winds and slackened his pace, allowing a douse of water upon his little shoes rather than to avoid his only path forward, which crossed a steam.


August 10, 01:46:59
Clarity After Mass Photo and Video Uploads to Cloud


It is interesting that reading an older academic text feels just as satisfying and relaxing as playing an RPG game. But it is even more satisfying than that, because it is like playing an RPG game without playing the actual RPG game, all the satisfaction of watching without the challenges of being at the wheel. It is like reading a LitRPG progression fantasy action web novel, but first and foremost, it is like playing an RPG game. When I was satisfied, I recalled immediately the game Titan Quest.


August 10, 09:47:28
Multi-Platform Redundancy and Systematic Data Integration for Accessibility


After taking the time to upload over at least 16,000 photos and more than 130 videos, I feel so much clearer, and it feels like I can incorporate these photos into my self-documentation much better, because they are backed up and I can link to each of the photos as opposed to having all the photos kept locally and then linking them there, which is much less efficient if the goal is to handle at least 50,000 photos in total. This means that it would be better to have all of these photos and to link to a Google Photos album instead. This way, I can ensure that if I am to go into depth into each image, it will be done without potential compromise of the images themselves. 


August 10, 09:53:47 – August 10, 10:06:24
Vintage Children's Book Illustration Idea


I have also began using the principle of redundancy and making sure that people can access my creations wherever possible. I am using Canva Websites, Wordpress Websites, Hugo (like Jekyll), native HTML, Notion Publish (website), Google Docs, and many others, with the aid of services like Google Photos, among others. However, in essence, when it comes to my actual writing, I tend to use the simple "Textpad" developed by Helios Software Solutions. The goal is to ensure that people can access whatever, wherever, and whenever.

Since it is not about publishing regularly necessarily, but about building up content for others to browse through, I do not have to worry about streamlining the publishing as much. In the future, I could continue finding or creating a tool that publishes content across multiple platforms simultaneously; however, I recognize also that each platform requires a unique approach. To repeat, the good thing is that rather than publishing on a regular basis, I dump content upon each of the platforms for others to browse through.

It is going to take a while, but the goal is to make sure that everything that occurs in the digital space in interconnected insofar that I can reliably track them. If I can have hundreds of tabs and applications open and not feel congested, then that is already good. Actually, I have already achieved this, but I say this in regard to the fact that I am now integrating so much new photos, files, folders, and texts and bringing them to publishing, websites, and the cloud. This means that the next few months will become one of mass integration and compressing, because there will be a great increase in "quality per 100 words", which will require much care in terms of how all of these files will be addressed. This will be a mass addressal, and there will be an analysis of every single element in my database with the aim of contextualizing and explaining everything. This way, I can move forward knowing that everything has been connected together and synthesized to a highly quality-dense ecosystem or uniform substance.

I have already taken an entire Google Drive and downloaded it. I have numerous Google Drives from numerous Google accounts. I have a code that will turn the entire Google Drive into a massive JSON. And the goal is that I go through every file and add a "description" to almost each relevantly identifiably sizable element. The goal of this is to make it so that I can search through my data effectively. There will be a massive single-file JSON for every single Google Drive. I will also break it up of course into different folders, but that will be only in the case that the single-file JSON is too big. 


August 10, 11:08:47
Questioning Historical Depictions of Affection Between Girls


Vintage Children's Book illustration depicting the sun, rainforest trees, a man, and three goblins 


August 10, 13:02:55
A Clear World, Much to Gather


Was it normalized for girls to kiss each other in the early 20th century around 1917 to 1921? I saw a book cover of "Nesthäkchen und der Weltkrieg", and it depicted two girls kissing with hands holding, faces pressed against each other in what looks like an obvious kiss, eyes closed, and knees on the ground,.


August 10, 14:45:22
Pure and Beautiful World


The world is a clear place, and there is much to gather about anything.


August 10, 14:48:00
Waking to a Beautiful Sun and Grace


The world is pure and beautiful.


August 10, 14:48:52
Disassembling Information and the Intersection of Solipsism and Objectivity


I woke up, and the sun became beautiful at the beginning of all of it. There was grace to  be found everywhere.

[REDACTED]


August 10, 16:29:03 – August 10, 17:09:29
Multi-Part Reflection: World's Vastness, Language's Limits, Selfhood, and Memory


I believe that whenever we taint things that are often associated with nostalgia like childhood toys, games, and places like parks by portraying them or childishness in a horrific light, I think this matches the disillusionment adolescents feel upon their transition from a child to an adult, to see their optimism, light-heartedness, and kindess transmuted as they grow more in terms with the complexities of their society, culture, world, and existence.

For example, stories that portray the fantasy world as a hell-hole full of trauma, death, and much injustice is an example of disillusionment and skepticism.

I saw a Youtube Shorts video that portrayed the classic Minecraft scenario of a "skyblock" in a nostalgic light with a grainy filter; however, the video revealed then its true theme after the player in the video attacked a creeper that exploded upon his attempts to push it off the skyblock. Upon its explosion, it destroyed signs from what was supposed to be an empty sky, revealing that the signs faked the sky. A hole emerged in this destruction, revealing a lab-like chamber. The audio of the video came from the last line of the protagonist of the 1998 film "The Truman Show": "In case I don't see ya, good afternoon..."

This resonates with the idea of disillusionment and skepticism that accompanies adolescence.

The following link is the aforesaid Youtube Shorts Minecraft video.

[REDACTED]

This is why early Minecraft and Roblox may have started as just a bunch of random things that did not matter, with interactions that were simple, awkward, and mildly funny, by people who were most likely to stay in the Internet during that early period in the early 2000s. Most people spend their lives outside, and those who did populate early Minecraft and Roblox were those who have been exposed to alienation. So it makes sense that they focused upon simple, awkward, and subcultural interactions. But as Minecraft and Roblox get older as established sources of entertainment, they then become mediums for communication rather than simple places of virtual subcultural escape. This is why Minecraft and Roblox is being used to talk about serious issues, because it is becoming a normalized form of communication layered on top of commentary.

However, once we have reached the point of having questioned and taken the time to make sense of things, it is natural to slide back down into a nostalgic desire for the past. While childhood is optimistic, carefree, and sociable, adolescence is marked by the emergence of disillusionment and skepticism, which can very well mature into adulthood insofar that it comes right back around at nostalgia and a desire to escape disillusionment and skepticism and be one with the "purity" of a life before a potential previous series of possibly traumatic life events.

This is why those who end up romanticizing the moment are those who have gotten disillusioned with disillusionment and skepticism itself. These can be people who have gotten older and had time to oneself enough.

The key idea is disillusionment with disillusionment and skepticism. It is when we realize the critics of grand structures are their own grand structures. It is when we realize that our attempts to fight against injustice can be so limited by an inescapable reality, that our attempts to become the epitome are dismayed and returned down to the ground. Disillusionment and skepticism may have spurred us on initially, but now, it is a desire to be done with "too much questions".

It never ends, you know. It is just "what is the next trending problem next?" In reality, there are too many problems that need to be addressed.

This is why skepticism and disillusionment can be tiring, because every time we make progress toward a goal, we are still very limited in the end.

If I limit my purview and attention only to myself for now and my large projects, then that should allow me to focus on what I need to do; however, allowing myself to ponder and consider issues and matters of skepticism and disillusionment can be helpful in ensuring that I am not out of touch and am actively thinking and writing about things, even in private. The goal is to ensure that I am aware of things and actively processing them; however, of course, people can tend to focus upon issues rather than upon the complexities and nuances of life beyond trending concerns.

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]


August 10, 20:22:02 – August 10, 22:06:56
Bridging Digital and Physical File Organization


I think the best of my life has already happened, and I don't know what to feel about this current life. I have become everything that I've ever wanted to be, but look at me. Do I look like someone who feels anything but the need to continue writing and make sense of my own life and of the entirety of my past?

I am who I am today. There is no escape from this.

I think there is just too much, and the only thing that I am doing right now is "observing" everything. Even my writing is an act of observation and interpretation of the observed.

I think that the best of my life has alreadfy happened, and it is all done already.

What all of this that I am is now is just a lengthy, repetitive series of observations.

Humanity may benefit from my observations; however, I myself have already lived the best of my life.

I was thinking about characters and how those who die on their own terms can be said to be at their fulfillment and those who do not die on their terms and continue to be strung along by life and the world are said to be pitiable. This means people would rather die on their own terms than continue living a life that is not on their own terms.

Either I get strung along by the world or I engage in repetition. This is like either torturing myself by sacrificing myself just to be a part of something or engaging in the repetition of observation and of making sense of things.

None of these are options I want.

There is no shifting of perspective. Everything has become a repetitive thing. I am merely engaging repetitiveness. There is no solution to this. If there was, it would not be, because I would have heard it already, which would fall in line with the repetitiveness.

There is no redefinition. There is no new perspective. There is no shifting of focus. There is no altering of look or viewpoint. There is no movement of the thoughts. There is no altering of the conditional variables offered by the eye. There is no reconsideration. There is no removal such that it brings about newness of thought. There is no replacement. There is no.

I hate having intelligence. I hate that I can deconstruct entire experiences. I hate it. I hate that I know the nuance and complexity behind sophisticated statements, which are now to me normal. I hate know-ledge. I hate familiarity, experience, and repetitiveness.

I hate the non-ness. It is not that the entirety of my past is not vast and rich and full of beautiful experiences feelings, ideas, memories, dreams, and sensations that I have forgotten.

That is why I said earlier that the best was in my earlier years. I have become everything that I've ever wanted to be.

To repeat, "what all of this that I am is now is just a lengthy, repetitive series of observations."

- Either I get strung along by the world or I engage in repetition. This is like either torturing myself by sacrificing myself just to be a part of something or engaging in the repetition of observation and of making sense of things. 

- None of these are options I want.

- There is no shifting of perspective. Everything has become a repetitive thing. I am merely engaging repetitiveness. There is no solution to this. If there was, it would not be, because I would have heard it already, which would fall in line with the repetitiveness.

- There is no redefinition. There is no new perspective. There is no shifting of focus. There is no altering of look or viewpoint. There is no movement of the thoughts. 

- There is no altering of the conditional variables offered by the eye. There is no reconsideration. There is no removal such that it brings about newness of thought. There is no replacement. There is no.'

I have already heard it all before. I predicted the advice to seek mindfulness. And let me just say. How repetitive it is that even mindfulness in its attempts to be one of the present is one only with the realization of repetitiveness!

Intelligence is so stupid. 

Intelligence has made me aware of the repetitiveness. It is the cause of this plight.

The worst part is that I am only digging the hole I am in deeper. It is funny that as I become so much more systematic, I become also so much more aware of all of it. I feel that these writings that explore my thoughts and feelings about the repetitiveness foretell a time when the repetitiveness will become so much worse.

To clarify, when I say that I am digging deeper into the repetitiveness, I mean that because intelligence is the cause of this repetitiveness, any more digging and growth in systematicness will be contributive to this repetitiveness.  When I said that these writings that explore my thoughts and feelings about the repetitiveness foretell a time when the repetitiveness will become so much worse. I am not implying a sole direct cause and effect between these particular writings and the exacerbation of repetitiveness. I am referring to any endeavor that yields an increase in systematicness, including writing. 

I am not saying that intelligence leads to repetitiveness in the sense that I will not grow and improve beyond a certain point. I will experience "a greater sense of freedom" the more intelligent I become; however, I am saying that repetitiveness becomes much more evidenced by the fact that I am now aware of so much more the more that I grow in intelligence, familiarity, experience, and systematicness, which encompasses the interplay of logic and analysis, intuition, creativity, emotion, and our bodies.

It is not even that I'm particularly intelligent. It is that because I have both the benefit of having a very vast and rich early life and having so much time, space, and resources in staying home all day everyday to write and study, I started to make sense of things. And I am still doing. It is just that even as early as 21 years old, I am starting to see this thing called "repetitiveness". I fear that it will only become worse as things start to make sense, as the written details start piling up and becoming systematically interconnected with the palace of my knowledge or ecosystem of my recorded entirety. It will only become more ambitious, complex, and nuances, while being also highly accessible in steps, or in non-linear hierarchies of depth. What I mean to say is that intelligence is the cause of the repetitiveness. I believe that its increase will exacerbate the repetitiveness.

I am not saying that I know everything. That is a frequent mistaken assumption made by AI language models to my written passages about this subject of repetitiveness.

To explain, I am still studying, collecting data, and analyzing more and more. I am still writing much about numerous things that I have yet to write down, but the vastness and richness of the essence of knowledge, while it has yet to be written down in its entirety, is enough insofar that the concept of the foregoing 'repetitiveness' is gaining ground.

My learning does not stop, but that does not necessarily contradict the repetitiveness of which I speak.

I am already engaged much with art, music, and creative writing, among others. When I say repetitiveness, I mean it. I have had a very vast and rich early life, and the last 5 years have been me exploring much and making sense much of things.

When I mentioned the repetitiveness, this is a recent experience that emerged in the last 74 days of intensified writing, particular around a month ago.

Stepping back from this writing?

I just realized. I looked at the door of my room, and I realized how weird my curent life is. I have been sitting down all day everyday in my room all day, and I have been averaging 8,600 to 8,700 words everyday in the last 74 days.

I used to travel so often, meet and befriend so many people, play many roles in numerous large communities, and always have an event to go to almost every weekend or every month. I went to numerous events and places. That was what I meant by my vast and rich early life.

But now, the striking contrast is apparent again. I look at the door and recognize this closed room in which I have stayed for so long. It is not that I do not go outside of my room to get food and water and to take a shower. However, this is where almost all of my time is being spent.

I was such a different person in my earlier years. But the last 3 years have been particularly isolated since I got my personal computer, and, because of it, started staying much more in my personal room. This reality has become much more apparent due to the last 74 days of intensified writing, self-reflection, self-documentation, and data collection, organization, synthesis, and analysis.

Maybe... I should find a way to give up on everything that I am today? I don't think so. I think that this repetitiveness is not because of my current lifestyle necessarily. I believe this lifestyle is key to living a much more fulfilling life, because I am not just analyzing a bunch of nothing-burgers. I am confronting the entirety of my life and becoming so much more systematic about everything insofar that I put all of the things that I am, felt thought, experienced, and saw into externalized representations into words. This is addressing all of the things that I have never explicitly addressed in my younger years. It is only in the last 5 years that I had the opportunity of experiencing new ways of experiencing the world in my more isolated, stay-at-home phase. And 2023 was particularly full of much detailing, contemplation, and reflection with the beginning of my autobiography. 2024 is when the feeling of repetitiveness emerged because I am now not merely detailing, contemplation, and reflecting, but I am engaging in meta-detailing, meta-contemplation, and meta-reflection. I am also synthesizing and cross-examining data, which means that a lot of barriers, misinterpretations, and misunderstands were made much more coherent, resulting in a much more whole self. However, with this soon came the feeling of repetitiveness.

However, it is true that my current lifestyle can be characterized by a much more isolated experience, although I live still in the same house as my family. So I am not isolated insofar that I do not know how to communicate in spoken words, body language, and spoken discussion any more. I have, in fact, improved in my communication skills not only in writing, but in speaking, drawing, making music, singing, dancing, and musical instruments, among others. I am so much more assertive and explicitly communicative than I used to be, and that is because I have been able to process and make sense much of the vastness and richness of the entirety of my life. While my past self firsthand saw, learned, experienced, sensed, and felt much, it was only in the last 3 years that I coud be said to becoming more of that distinct individual self beyond my individual role in communities, but as a person of his own ecosystem reliant upon itself and independently powerful such that others benefit from it freely.

I feel that I am flickering between the idea that "my current lifestyle is essential and is incredibly fulfilling" and the idea that "it is all this repetitiveness and any increase in intelligence will lead only to an exacerbation of the repetitiveness."

There is also this similar flicker between the idea that "stepping back will allow me to be free from all of this repetitiveness" and the idea that "my current lifestyle and activities are so essential to addressing everything".

It is weird that I find myself on multiple occasions saying that the past was the best and wanting to step back into a life like that and then remembering the past and realizing that everything has satisfyingly led to this day where I am finally what I want to be and addressing and growing so much.

I mean, I have already written 653,392 words in the last 74 days. That is an average of 8,711 written words everyday. That is already a very big sign of the positive impact of my current lifestyle, and I will be thankful for all of this time.

But I can see where I come from when I feel nostalgic over my earlier years, but at the same time, despite the sense of repetitiveness that does come, it is not as if I have reached the point of repetitiveness where I have truly stopped learning. I mean, I am clearly writing still and finding myself writing things with which I am familiar, but which I have yet to externalize into writing. We can talk about repetitiveness if I reach the point where the only thing left is repetitiveness insofar that I can barely muster up anything to write anymore besides exclamations about the repetitiveness.

I felt a sense of dread when I looked at an older picture of me back in high school in 2017. I have yet to explore and externalize completely this portion of my life.

Maybe the sense of repetitiveness comes from a realization that the current resources I have when it comes to making sense of all of it is highly limited. While I do have much data, images, videos, and Facebook posts to help me systematize and make sense of the past with empirical evidence, which will inform much of my writing and require much in the territory of precision and comprehensiveness, it is also true that there is much repetitiveness here, even if I am tackling so much data, history, context, ideas, experiences, feelings, memories, and sensations in the massive interconnected and compartmentalized overall effort of the autobiography-journal.

I don't know, but one thing that I do know is that the concern of repetitiveness exists, even if I do not always feel it.

[REDACTED]


August 11, 11:47:00
Writing About Dogs (Incomplete Thought)


I know that I have talked about this before. But every time I look at older photos of me and my siblings, I feel a tinge of regret and pain. I find myself feeling like I want to apologize for not being enough to save us all.

[REDACTED]


August 11, 12:38:56 – August 11, 12:47:18
Seeking a Google-Powered Knowledge Base and Integrating Roblox Creations


I feel that my mind is in a state of processing, because I find that I am unable to write about anything else but this right now. So I will address the fact that I feel this way, and I think it is because I looked through physical files and folders that I've never seen for over a decade. So my mind is still processing and making sense of all of the information that I've received. There is also the fact that part of me wants to livestream, which is conflicting with the need for processing. My thoughts encompass numerous concerns, including the foregoing processing; livestreaming and how it can be best achieved to avoid repetition of ideas and doing it for the sake of it solely; recording videos and how they can be best edited beyond my current setup of having a dedicated thumbnail, title, summary description, and timestamp; dealing with new "knowledge" applications such as Notion and Anytype; dealing with the numerous photos I am currently downloading from social media and re-uploading to Google Photos; dealing with the concern of collaboration and how I might best intersect different sectors of my life together, that of livestreaming, processing, writing, drawing, reading academic texts, dealing with apps like Notion and Anytype, dealing with Youtube Studio and ensuring that I go through all of my videos there, going through physical files and folders, taking photos and documenting the world around me, journaling (which includes a systematic, integrated, multi-modal form that encompasses text, photos, videos, keys logged, a timelapse of the screen screenshots taken every 15 seconds during that day, list of media consumed, and links to my creations on that day, among others: as opposed to mere writing), and many others.

The following is a list form of the aforementioned.

* Processing information (from physical files, new apps, etc.)
* Livestreaming
* Recording videos
* Dealing with new "knowledge" applications (Notion, Anytype)
* Managing photos (downloading, uploading)
* Collaboration

* Writing
* Drawing
* Reading academic texts
* Utilizing apps like Notion and Anytype
* Working with YouTube Studio
* Going through physical files and folders
* Taking photos and documenting the world
* Journaling (including text, photos, videos, keystrokes, screen timelapses, media consumption lists, links to creations)

Even the very act of recording myself while I am processing and engaging with all of these activities takes up a space in my mental "RAM". However, it is ideal to record myself frequently, even if it challenges my ability to shift my attention and to learn how to manage my cognition with respect to my current activities and the recognition of being recorded. I have already recorded myself numerous times like this, and I have livestreamed many times. Nevertheless, I should add this to the list of concerns and activites.

There are numerous activities I have not mentioned, and I shall include some of them in the following list.

- Making music with singing and guitar improvisationally
- Singing
- Musical instruments, encompassing a fingerstyle guitar, piano, violin, djembe, and recorder
- Exercise, whether it be walking or doing intense workout like push-ups and lifting weights
- Digitization of every single article or item in my room and house. This can hopefully be extended to every single element in my subdivision and my city. I have already effort in recording and taking pictures of my room, house, subdivision, plants around my subdivision, and city. However, it has yet to be systematic, given that it has not been interconnected and linked directly to my text writings, Google maps markers, and Google Photos albums.


August 11, 12:49:48 – August 11, 13:19:52
Renewed Systematic Use of Google Sheets


I was wondering whether Google has a way to have everything there like Notion or Anytype. For example, is there a place where everything can be connected to everything else, whether Google Drive and Google Photos.

It would be great if I can have a single link that leads to everything in a single knowledge database wiki "digital garden" like those found in services such as Notion and Anytype. This way, I can link to numerous Google Photos albums, websites, sources, Google Drives files, citations, and contextual qualitative writings.

I am already learning to use Anytype actually, but I was thinking that Google might have an Anytype-like application.

My goodness, I feel nostalgic upon seering "consistent naming convention", it reminds me so much of Roblox Studio, and it makes me want to start implementing my Roblox creations into my digital ecosystem. However, that will be challenging, even if the Roblox games are not that many in hindsight. It is just that the memories associated with them are so much, making integrating them and contextualizing them in detail a challenge on its own. However, I will be doing the same thing with these Roblox Studio games that I made that I am thinking of doing with my Minecraft worlds. I will put them on a Google Drive and a list, and I will make them downloadable. When it comes to myRoblox Studio games, I can either leave them uncopylocked or give them the local save files.

[REDACTED]


August 11, 14:10:13 – August 11, 14:11:59
Digitizing Physical Items and Contemplating Writing Projects


I notice that while writing 650,000 words is a great feat, it has largely been composed with a strict focus upon memories and meta-reflection, meta-contemplation, self-documentation, writing, language, and meaning itself, among other related topics. Now, that is a suitable starting subject to explore in mass detail; however, with time, there will be opportunities discovered in respect to utilizing the empirical data available, sorting them in colums, rows, and directories and considering them within broader publishing and systematization strategies. It will take a while to list every single element, item, idea, or article of potential interest; however, it will be worth doing so. It will include each item in my room, every single manga that I've consumed, and every single Minecraft gaming Youtube channel I've watched and a selection of their videos—this represent currently a starting objective moving forward. It will not merely be that of listing, as each will be investigated in great portions with the aim of interconnection and interrelation.

I will be using Zotero for the books.


August 11, 14:26:09
Analyzing Own Stories for Skill Refinement, Not Revision


I am about to do a large enterprise or endeavor. I will be going about through every single physical item, mostly books, and I will be digitizing them all. In the meantime or during lulls in the endeavor, I am thinking of writing, but I am not sure as to what I should write right now. I can journal, synthesize older writing and turn them into dedicated Google Docs document articles with images, convert my novels into Notion format, write a creative story, and continue an older story, specifically the novel "The Four Allies".

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]

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August 11, 21:26:57 – August 11, 21:58:03
Chill Expressions of Gratitude


Why did he not just act like nothing had happened and converse as if there was no absence? Is the fact that he communicted and addressed the problem openly a sign of his newfound level of clarity?

Is he attempting to make sure that closure is granted?

I mean, is he attempting to give closure to Jeremiah by revealing why?

by the way, is there hints of light-heartedness and humor?

the "you know" is likely intentional as well. They're allowing those parts of themselves to come out for the sake of a more approachable feel.

I find it interesting. The sudden shift to manga. It is as if they're ready to move on now that closure has been established.

[REDACTED]


August 11, 22:19:57 – August 11, 22:20:40
Interesting Misspellings and Reflections on Own Language Proficiency


My cousin suggested me rom-com. I've given up on love, but since I'm feeling optimistic about doing stuff for fun again, I will read my cousin's suggestions. Though he also suggested some "meatier" suggestions, which are basically exciting action stories. I'm talking about manga to clarify.

I'm going to read my cousin's suggestions. I don't want suggestions from an AI language model since they're all going to be generic.

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]


August 12, 13:08:18 – August 12, 13:13:20
Shift from Gaming to Writing: Minecraft's Lost Magic and the Allure of Text


My father says that he likes the sound of the guitar when it's connected to the amplifier that is usually used for electric guitars. He said that the quality sounds better if I used my MV7 Shure microphone against the amplifier's speakers than if I used the audio interface with the guitar directly. However, I connected the MV7 Shure microphone to the audio interface, and the microphone sounds fine in recording. This is the same audio interface, so I'm thinking that it's not the fault of the audio interface. And maybe it's the style of the sound of the amplifier mixed with the microphone that sounds good to my father. I don't know.

I think that to him, the amplifier and mic combo for the guitar sounds more crisp and clean, while the audio interface sounds muffled. But as mentioned earlier, that does not make sense since I tested the same microphone with the same audio interface and it came out okay. Of course, there is also the rare case that the microphone port somehow sounds better than the guitar port in the audio interface, but their output is the same, just separated into two channels of the same audio output.

What I've done is allowed the microphone to pick up the guitar, so there could be this improved acoustic feel, because the direct guitar-to-audio-interface channel is supplemented by getting picked up slightly in the microphone channel.

To be clear, I use the microphone for singing, so it will pick up the guitar slightly. But the brunt of the guitar sound is the direct, "clean" guitar-to-audio-interface channel.

Sadly, I need to wait until my computer gets access to bluetooth through the pending delivery, since it did not have one on the new motherboard with which we replaced the older, broken "waterlogged" motherboard. The bluetooth will give me access to my bluetooth headphones and to my bluetooth speakers. This should clear any doubts about potential differences.


August 12, 15:51:49 – August 12, 16:44:13
Intellectual Engagement with Media and Re-engaging Minecraft for Growth


I guess there is a reason why I prefer writing and reading as opposed to playing video games. But why do you think that I have stepped away from video games? I remember that I used to play League of Legends only this December 2023, and I loved playing hardcore Minecraft in 2019 and 2020 and even made a Viewer SMP lasting 2 months in July 2021.

It's weird. I'm willing to write stories and engage in non-fiction journaling and read stories, academic texts, and webcomics, but I find myself unable to immerse myself into video games like Minecraft again.

But Minecraft can build narratives, but I guess writing and reading feel more straightforward in terms of having a direction.

I find fiction stories infinitely more interesting right now. I kinda miss being immersed in building Minecraft maps and carving structures in Minecraft Hardcore worlds. I used to care so much about it, but I lost interest overtime since my high in 2021. It is so fun for me to analyze my fiction novels especially. Seeing my own lengthy stories and being able to sit down and analyze it is so enjoyable. It gives me so much control. Reading academic texts can be fun as well in that they present to me new complex ideas. I am okay with reading fiction novels and webcomics as well, as they help me stay in touch with that side of narrative-building. Journaling is so easy, relaxing, and fulfilling. Writing and reading are incredibly interconnected as well, so it makes the experience so easy. It makes me look at my room and see the order and organization all throughout, because I can write down in great systematic detail and make sense of reality.

I miss playing Minecraft though, because I remember being so invested in watching playthroughs of arena maps, hardcore maps, parkour maps, adventure maps, horror maps, survival, modded survival, servers, and friends playing and roleplaying together. I have watched so many video narratives told in Minecraft. I have made arena maps, parkour maps, adventure maps, survival worlds, hardcore worlds, and a community formed around a Viewer SMP through my Twitch channel. Minecraft has been with me for so long. This only scratches the surface.

But writing and reading are so comfortable, easy, and satisfying in many ways and approaches.

I tried analyzing and trying to build a narrative around Minecraft, but I honestly don't know. Right now, I do not feel this draw to it.

I have thinking of livestreaming myself playing Minecraft, but yesterday, I did not feel much. I did not feel excited or anything. I just kept the livestream going because I was able to sort out my thoughts about Minecraft.

There is so much potential for analytical or narrative exploration in Minecraft. So much history, culture, communities, friendships, stories, lives, and worlds. It is like Roblox, though one could argue that Roblox was infinitely larger in terms of creating digital spaces due to the fact that it is a game engine.

In the end, I have reaped so much from Minecraft, and I can see its potential. I feel that I just don't feel it right now. But maybe I can. Maybe writing this and talking about it will help me find a way to feel immersed while playing it again.

I remember how much smaller Minecraft used to be in its early versions, but arguably, one could say that those were my peak years, given that that was a much more formative time of my life in the early 2010s compared to 2019 when I was already 16 years old.

Minecraft was so small back in the day, yet I relished it so much. It's much bigger now, but for some reason, maybe it's the fact that it's so much bigger that there are these grand narratives that can make one afraid of the small spontaneous unsupervised world that we had back in the early 2010s.

Writing and reading allows me to live in the small spontaneous unsupervised world again, but MIinecraft has lost that for me I think. I remember just how small that world was back when I was a child. Yet it was so vast and rich because it was so uninstructed, non–socially normalized, non-comforming, unimepeded, unstructured, unsystematized, unanalytical, undeterminative, unsure, undeterminate, un-grand, un-big, and unknown.

Writing and reading allows me to live in that child-like feeling by bringing me to re-experience and re-discover those moments and see them created in front of me in that tiny space, but Minecraft has lost that for me I think.

I was thinking that maybe if I played a Hardcore server and created a small little space for myself, I would feel it again. But it is hard. I need to put extra-effort to ensuring that it can become real. It is like pressing a pin or tack against a hard concrete wall. It does not penetrate. It feels like being stuck in a cage and struggling to find out where it's going, that cage being a box being shipped across the ocean. At the end of that ship journey, I am dehydrated and in need of emergency attention.

But a cage can be a good thing. I love the feeling of the cage-like space in my room, with everything that I have intentionally placed. It may look congested and full, but it is a hug from everything that I have ever wanted there. In the past, I wanted nothing in my room and just an empty white room. But as time passed, I started finding myself drawn to things that I saw as essential to myself. Now, my room has grown much fuller, but this time, instead of feeling claustrophobic like before with the many things that I did not intentionally put there, I felt embraced by myself, because everything in this room now is my decision.

That is why I love the cozy blanket of writing and reading and being in applications like Anytype and Notion and my main writing application "Textpad". It is so cozy to write in this small space and to write in my small cage-like room in this small two-floor apartment in this small little city in this small tiny little world. It is so fun living in this tiny congested little space where everything is exactly ideal. I love the feeling of being embraced by concrete and by the walls and by the world in which I am fully myself. It is being accepted that it feels like.

Minecraft has become estranged to me, like someone who I used to know became a person who lives an entirely different life with which they are satisfied, but not insofar that they want to be friends with me again.

I think strangely enough, while I have not been traumatized by Minecraft, I am like a displaced traumatized refugee who may have at one point seen this creative creating viewpoint of this vast land, but now, after being traumatized and removed by grand narratives that invalidated and made me lose my self-respect, I no longer see this as a place to mold and make my own, like I have done with my real-life room.

My past negative experiences have likely made me find Minecraft estranging. I think that is why. It makes sense that Minecraft, while I may have seen myself in that world and in my immersive experiences and creations there in the past, has become this estranged thing, maybe because I felt that it was not there when I was struggling or going through a hard time. Instead, video games like Minecraft have felt like a betrayal to me because instead of helping me, it served only as escapism. So that might have been why I moved away from Minecraft and focused upon writing, reading, and studying as a way to feel rewarded and in control.

Minecraft and Roblox. I used to see so much in them, but because my investments into them were "betrayed", I became alienated and estranged from them. I think high school really changed me and made me think that I had to be the epitome of productivity and of becoming this person who was this necessary thing. That is why 2017 and 2018 were traumatizing years for me. I went through life events during that time, and I was taught to continue to pursue productivity. I was not given Minecraft, Roblox, and other of my favorite things back when I was homeschooled from 2013 to 2017, which were the happiest and most fulfilling times of my life. Because of this, I was made to become estranged and alienated from that happiness, fun, and simple enjoyment. Writing, reading, and studying were probably a way for me to make sense of the complexities and nuances of the world in a way that matched them. Video games became drilled into my head as this thing that I had to be remove from my life. This is a major reason why I say that 2017 and 2018 ruined me, because it made me obsessed over getting everything right and becoming this epitome of excellence. Even after quitting high school in late 2018, I still carried it with me. While I could enjoy myself in 2019 and 2020 somewhat, I was carrying so much and could not find any salvation in my parents and my family. I lost the major support structure that was my large community that encompassed the entire region in which I lived. I became disillusioned as well in late 2019 and broke off with a potential large support structure. 2020 was a very horrible time of my life. It is not that I was not reading, playing video games, and writing in 2019, 2020, 2021, and 2022. I was doing all of that, but because I felt that video games were not helping me address the issues, I gradually became less dependent on them and coerced myself to be move on. I pushed myself to abide by my new standards and framework of making sense of the world, and that is why I have been writing and studying so much since July 2023, the start of my autobiography-journal. But I feel nostalgic for what I was like before high school in my homeschooled era. I travelled often, met and befriended hundreds of people, went to many events, had so many friends to play video games with, and had an overall fulfilling life. High school broke all of it by putting me in this environment wherein I excelled. Excellence became a bane to me, because it was the reason it became so hard once the life events hit. I was called lazy after experiencing the great loss of my support structures because they never bothered to ask me why I was feeling "lazy" when I was actually low-spirited. They thought I was rebelling even. I carried this with me, and it is why I still have not gotten closure over high school, even if it has been 6 years since I quit in late 2018. I am getting more closure as I write in my autobiography-journal. But I still carry that attitude with me, and I wish I never went to high school a lot. It broke my connection to my siblings and to my friends. Now, the damage has been done, and the time that I spent in isolation, while essential, occurred as a result of all of those life events. But I am who I am now, and I am working on myself. I am working on the autobiography-journal as a mainspring of my recent significant developments.

I have a video from March 2017 that showed what I was like before high school. It was such a drastic change from March 2017 to the rippling effects since I quit high school in November 2019 all the way to the present 5 years later (November 2019 to August 2024). It has been 7 years since March 2017.

I wish I could enjoy myself again like I did back before high school. I remember how much fun I had and I had with my siblings and friends. We were all so fulfilled and happy.

I want to remember what it was like before I became jaded, when my taste buds still was amazed at the taste of coffee, milk, and all kinds of delicious food, when video games, coding in Roblox, and playing with siblings and friends were incredibly fun. It is not that I don't find a sense of child-like joy when I write, but I know well that high school and the life events of 2018 and its rippling effects to the present ruined everything.

This is why even if I am achieving and growing so much recently in the last 5 years especially, being so much better than even my younger self could have idealized, I do not have this child-like enthusiasm. I accept it calmly and focus upon challenging myself and dealing with new challenges. It is not that I do not take breaks or cannot find joy, excitement, curiosity, or novel in anything. It is more so that I am so much more emotionally stable, for better and for worse.

Maybe that emotional stability is jadedness.


August 12, 16:55:06 – August 12, 17:05:23
Vignette: The Fallen Man and the Detachment's Response


Nowadays, I prefer studying and analyzing things that I consume. Basically all "intellectual". I love studying academic texts, and I love studying and consuming content that allows me to engage myself cognitively. It helps to engage with things that refine my understanding of the world, but it is not just choice content, but the way that I engage with them. I am thinking of making a website where I start reviewing manga that I have read. I am also analyzing my own novel right now. When it comes to Minecraft, I have attempted a video essay where I go into analytical depth, but I have grown much since then and can very much treat Minecraft as a matrix for the development of my understanding of the virtual world and my capacity of analysis in contexts that seem impenetrably simple or monolithic.

But right now, learning to re-immerse into Minecraft is taking intentional effort to achieve. When I mentioned livestreaming myself playing Minecraft earlier, that is a big area of my life as well. I treat livestreaming as a form of communiction and self-documentation, so I export my livestreams into Youtube. I can then download them and have them transcribed with the use of AI. This transcript is then used to summarized, title, and give a thumbnail to the corresponding exported livestream that is now a Youtube video. Livestreaming itself is a high-level form of summarizing, so while I may go into varying levels of depth into writing, writing is primarily an in-depth format for communication and documenting complex ideas. Livestreaming allows me to put into straightforward words a deep topic. This way, it is easy to follow me. I am considering starting to use social media as even simpler forms of summarizing. In any case, when it comes to the relevance of livestreaming to Minecraft, Minecraft is a strong matrix of development not only for analytical refinement, but also for livestreaming, since it is a popular game on Twitch. A re-engagement with Minecraft would solve a lot of issues when it comes to livestreaming, my past misgivings and issues with video games (the one related to how high school broke me and my earlier self that had much fun and fulfillment in them), and as a potential territory subject to analysis.

This is why I see Minecraft as something that I want to like again.

But it is so much easier to sit down and write, because it does not attempt to do anything to me. I am the one doing them. I am the one engaging with them in my own terms and wherever and whenever I want. I have reached this point of expertise and familiarity. But as regards Minecraft, it is like stepping upon the tip of a tidal wave as it dares to crash down and swallow me up.

This is especially the case with the fact that I want to livestream myself playing Minecraft. Maybe, if I played the game alone in hardcore Minecraft and made my own underground base and focused upon the enjoyment of creating a little tiny space which I can then pour into subjection by analysis, I would obtain re-engagement.

However, livestreaming is something to which I subject Minecraft because I see the interconnected benefit that could yield much analysis and growth in my capacity for communication in a multi-faceted context—analysis, livestreaming, and Minecraft.


August 12, 17:33:07 – August 12, 19:07:40
The Value of "Wasting Time" for Processing and Renewal


A young man exploded, his heart emanating out of his chest before falling victim to a slow fall.

Behind him, on the ground below, stood hundreds of men, who were unaware initially of his presence, but grew to see that this man was a threat. The victim was falling, and his impact could kill someone's life potentially. In appropriate response, they gestured and called at each other to leave and relocate to where the falling victim, by their perception from the ground below, would not hope to reach.

It was quick.

The fall slammed against the ground, but it was not quiet. It sounded like hundreds of pigs getting butchered all at once in the same single spot. It was that intense and heavy upon the senses.

Everyone there knew that this was something to which they had to adjust.

It took some time; however, with enough patience, they adjusted gradually to the situation, and their minds accepted the reality in front of them.

A death occurred, and for what reason, they were ignorant. They lay in curiosity and hoped that with enough time and acceptance, they would make sense of all of this.

But for now, their senses were ringing.

They looked around and observed around them, wondering whether anyone else was aware.

They stopped.

Two left and scanned the southwest side.

Three went underground, using the hole they had dugged. Their underground paths went far deep.

Four conversed about the answers of God and what He would say about their plight.

The death of a man was not so easily handled.

But the actions of one said otherwise, as this one volunteer buried the bodies, answering any inquiries with the same word.

"No," said the volunteer.

A voice called. It was one of the hundreds of men: "But why? Why bury the body? Musn't we wait for a council to decide all this? How do we know if such a burial is within his wants?"

As for why only a handful of the hundreds of men made proactive action, the rest were still focused upon what they were doing prior to the victim's fall.

They were still hiking.  As such, they had left the area and delegated the role of handling the victim's matter to a choice detachment of men.


August 12, 20:15:16 – August 12, 20:49:39
Dealing with a Coping World


My goodness. I love stepping back and wasting time. It makes re-appreciate everything that I'm doing. It makes me realize how boring, unsatisfying, and unfulfilling life is away from my work.

It is not that my work is not engaging. It is just that every once in a while, I need to step back and waste time. It helps me see the broader picture.

I love my work, but given that I have spent 40 percent of my time actively writing everyday and averaged 8,624 words everyday in 77 days. I engage so much with my work, and when I am not writing, I am reading, studying, researching, and analyzing and collecting data. 

However, there are days when I "waste my time". This is especially the case when "everything" changes, and now I have a whole new set of tools and circumstances. This kind of "everything has changed" happens frequently, given that I am so productive and proactive.

It helps to "waste time" and sit down in order to process everything that has changed. It helps normalize the new set of tools and circumstances I now have. This way, after "wasting my time," I can stand up with renewed energy and motivation for my work. It is like I just woke up and I am in a new world.

It can feel a little vulnerable, but in a good way. It is relaxing and vulnerable at the same time. I feel like a child that had woken up well and healthy after being sick for a week and spending the whole week sleeping all the time. It can feel vulnerable to disconnect from my work because it gives me purpose, identity, and a sense of place and confidence; however, it is when we "waste time" and allow ourselves to look for things toward which we feel curious and a sense of novelty. It is here that that "waste of time" allows us to step back and see a grounded angle to view the angle in which I have grown immersed. This stepping back does not follow a return to my work with the same tired perspective. What follows is renewel and a new sense of self that has been able to make sense of and process all of the new set of tools and circumstances.

It is also a time when I do not answer the ideas in my head. Usually, I write down and go into analytical depth when it comes to every question or idea that pops into my mind. But during this "time wasting", I let them pass and let the feeling build up, and that emerges finally as motivation, curiosity, renewal, and energy.


August 12, 23:37:38
Dancing Upon the Stars


The entire world copes all the time, and I have to deal with it. On a constant basis.

[REDACTED]


August 12, 23:43:51
Testing Writing App: Musings on Existence and Meaning


I remember well the feeling of waking up in the morning and thinking about things.


August 12, 23:47:22 – August 12, 23:54:38
Ideas for a Custom Writing Application


The world is a clear example of what it means to the epitome of grace and to remember exactly what determined a person's gender or behavior or eating or chicken. I am just writing for the sake of writing because I am testing this writing app. I do not know whether or not the stars fall to the ground, or do they exist in a world that was not that done simply. I would not know exactly what it is that determines the elements of existence, whether or not something can be guaranteed on a day-to-day basis. Is it true that a person is something that must be in the midst of everything that must be. I do not know for sure, but I know that there is much to gain in the silence of everything, whether or not the world can be showed to be anything but a determinate thing. I cannot say for sure, but I sit down idly and recognize quickly what it is that determines my existence, upon which all things are definite. I do not know for sure whether the world can be judged to be of any measure of goodness or faithfulness. There is this world that cannot be true. I remember well the feeling of waking up in the morning and considering well what determined my humanity. I could not say for sure, but I knew well that there was much to gain in the silence of everything. There was much to say in all things that were true and sure. I knew well that the world could not be said to be of any value beyond their immediate meaning. There was something to be said of anything, that my memories could not but be definitive in all things.

I remember well what it meant to be a definite thing. I can say only that this thing is beautiful or wonderful or could be said to be anything of substance. I saw well what it meant to be real and to be in this world where everything must fall or be swallowed up by the world. I could not say it to of any value beyond what it is. I saw that it was true before it ever was, at which point it was also not something that could be said to be of any nature. There was a changing goal of every single thing, by which point goals are made to be definite. Really letterable things command a sense of justice beyond what one was at this point of time. The world commands such aura of nature or command of spirit. How a person navigates his environment, by which he find himself to be of any given nature, creates a moment of place-hood in the midst of any definition; insofar that things may be reproduced without question or authority of spirit.

I have seen much in the order of anything, whether or not it could be dimunated (so as to be made tiny or diminutive).

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]


August 13, 07:18:15 – August 13, 07:40:06
Artificial Scarcity, FOMO, and Internet Influence


Before we talk about nostalgia, I'm 21 years old, and I turn 22 years old 5 months and 8 days from now.

I wish we could back to being idiots again. I mean, it is not like I was an idiot-idiot, but still, I wish we could go back somehow to a time when I could just play Minecraft and not think about what I am thinking about right now. However, it is not as if I do not like the fact that I've grown and become so much more able overtime. I have become more than what I idealized when I was younger.

I remember older Roblox and Minecraft, and I remember so many other things. So many things have changed, and part of me wishes from time to time to go back to the early 2010s, because there was so much yet to explore there. We have not even explored the entirety of Roblox, Minecraft, and so many other games back in that time. But that time has already left us.

Once 2017 hit and I became a high schooler, I got fucked over by all these new responsibilities and expectations, and I lost that inner child, especially given that many life events occurred in 2018. It rippled up to today.

In 2023, I began writing an autobiography-journal, and I'm still writing, trying to make sense of everything.

I have made much progress since July 4, 2023, the start of the autobiography.

I don't know anymore to be honest... I really don't. So much has changing, and I find a way to change everything always. There is always some new improvement, some new set of tools, and some new set of circumstances. I do not stop improving, and my refinement is occurring rapidly. And I'm the mainspring of all of it.

This is why with the growing rapidity of my growth, I am recognizing the importance of taking the time to process all of it and make sense of it by incorporating activities that allow me to make sense of the entirety of my moment, given that the moment is also worth exploring. Sooner or late, I will have to shift my focus from collecting data for the autobiography-journal toward processing the data actually and explaining them with qualitative contextual information. It is not that I have not done that, but I have developed a very strong basis for all of my reflections. However, I have to stop myself intentionally to "do nothing" and let the moment flow. This way, I can address the things that I do everyday, because my brain can get stuck in going through all of these data collections, data transferring, and data organizing insofar that I overlook the importance of writing and processing the now.

Anyway, I am doing what I said and processing things, and that confirms how much I've grown and I'm growing right now. I have to be so intentional about taking a step back and doing nothing and being a "loser" just to appreciate eveything. To explain, I use the hyperbolic term "loser" to illustrate the societal perception of the young adult that is like a child who does nothing but sits down and thinks about the moment in contrast with the societal ideal of the extremely productive young adult.

Sometimes, I do things that are profound and forget to think about them and meditate upon them just because they're not these big ideas or things that would look good in a book because they're sophisticated as opposed to being the reflections of a mere stream-of-consciousness young adult who "spends too much time in the nothing". Moreover, there is the illusion also that just because the moment is not the past, it is not valuable. My future self will thank me that I took the time to document my everyday moments, so it is funny that I look at the past right now because it is valuable for me to collect all of the data that could be possibly collected and then dismiss the vastness and richness of the current ongoing moment. I mean, it is not that I dismiss it, but I have to stop myself intentionally right now in order to avoid getting burnt out.

I have to sit down and let the day pass, because so much has changed. I have grown so much in the last several days, and yesterday was a day of so much new things. I have to relax, take my time, and not let even positive changes to my life swallow me up.

The goal is to makes sense of it all, but in a way that is relaxed, calm, and meditatively processing.

Why do I keep going back? I miss Redstone Online, the old MMORPG game. Fuck me, man. I miss that time of the Internet, that time of computers and video games, and that time of my life. It was such a simple time of my life, and we enjoyed games like Stronghold Crusaders. I even played games like Roblox around that time. I remember how excited I was to make games in Roblox Studio.

I miss that time of my life, even if I recognize that there are so many things today that are worth mentioning.

I read a manga two days ago, and it was interesting.

But the reason that I do not write down what happens everyday in the moment is because I've experienced so many things in the past already. My past is a treasure of vastness and richness, so it can be challenging to engage in new things and feel that the past is being forgotten and replaced by newer things.

However, I recognize that studying things of the present now that I am much more analytical and a writer can lead me to a better understanding and intuition toward the past.

I read a manga called "Hope You're Happy, Lemon" two days ago, and its publication started in 2023 and is ongoing. I want to analyze it, but I think mentioning it is already a big plus given that mentioning recent things is such an intentional and challenging thing to do. I think it is just a matter of processing.


August 13, 08:02:42 – August 13, 08:06:27
Drawn to Trivialities Despite Abundance


Artificial scarcity and FOMO is so funny to me.
    
    But do tell me examples so I can get to know it better
    
    It is not about purchases solely. I mean things that people get you to look at because it's the "new big thing" supposedly
    
    For the most part, I think the Internet influences and informs much of what I'll do next; however, it is also true that I do not necessarily need to engage in the Internet. The only reason that I have engaged with it so much is so that I could grow accustomed to the way the Internet works and to find things that I have never heard of before. I feel that there is a point in wanting to find out about the broader world and about new tools or things of which I have never heard.
    

August 13, 08:06:47
Algorithm's Pull vs. Past Internet Habits

    
    I mean... I realize that I have so much in my life already, yet I will find myself going to things that do not matter.
    

August 13, 08:09:54
Skepticism Towards "Pop" Apps and Valuing Core Writing Tools

    
    I could very well be doing something else if it was not for the algorithm showing me all kinds of new things. For example, I could be looking at this one Youtube channel and watching their videos, but because I find browsing more interesting, I do that instead. It is also right in front of me, so I end up looking at it. When I was younger, my life was not dictated by the algorithm as much; however, I did engage in whatever was available. So early Facebook had its own games available, and I and many others would play it. We did the same with Flash games as well. So maybe I was not entirely uninfluenced by what was available on the Internet.
    
    However, nowadays, the Internet is normal to me. Though it is not as if I hate all the content that I see. Thee is a reason that I choose to browse instead of immersing myself into particular things. There is a time to browse, and there is a time to immerse.
    
I feel that I'm making an argument for this.


August 13, 08:20:26 – August 13, 08:24:17
Poetic Musings on a Pure World and Human Expression


It is also the reason that I have been very cautious against things that are given that status. I told my younger brother that "Scrivener" is absolutely unnecessary and that he could be under the illusion that it is better when there are numerous applications that do the same thing already. Just because it has a personality does not mean that it is good. Just because it is paid and given that feeling of being better does not mean that it is good. The impatience in his voice reminded me of when I was younger and wanted to buy this one 2014 video game "Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor". My father said no, but it was one of those occasions that I remember because I did not actually need that game. I am happy for the memories that I had even without that game. Anytype and other apps like Notion give the illusion that it is better and that this is the best way to organize, but no. It should not be a substitute for bad writing. Just because it looks visually appealing and organized does not mean that it makes anyone a better writer.
One cannot rush things, and sometimes, the best thing to do is to sit down and read a book, even if it gets really boring. This goes the same for writing, because sometimes, the best way to become a good writer and someone who organizes data and information is to internalize it, not find these externally visually appealing and "organized" things that give the illusion of better.

I am still writing in a simple older writing application called "TextPad" that was initially released back in 1992; however, from time to time, I do allow myself to get used to the visual organization that applications like Anytype and Notion provide. It is the same reason that I engage in Wordpress and Hugo from time to time as well. It is about becoming more flexible and understanding how these work so I can transmute the writing that I do already into numerous formats. It is not that they will all become useful necessarily; however, it is about getting used to the idea of change. Being able to translate and convert my files into different formats takes practice and patience, but it is a valuable way to gauge whether I am dependent or not. Dependence is dangerous after all.

I think they look more "pop" to people the same way pop music does to people. They can be nice for publishing and sharing data with collaborators in a way that makes them feel like this guy is "pop", "chic", or "hip".

This is why I do not use these tools for writing actually. I write in my own older simple text editors and use specialized text editors like Visual Studio Code in certain cases only. I do not write in applications like Notion and Anytype primarily.

However, it is about publishing and collaboration that make Notion and Anytype potentially appealing.

In the end, it is about flexibility. This is why I tried writing in the Book and Quill item in Minecraft. It is about expanding and testing my dependence. Writing should be doable in all kinds of tools and circumstances; however, simple text editors are where I'm at right now, only using other tools for specialized purposes like "pop" publishing and collaboration or when I'm coding or dealing with many files like in Visual Studio Code.


August 13, 08:40:00
A Future Self's Wish for Application Consistency


The world is a pure place, and hundreds of people have said the same. In the end, the only thing that can be done is to watch and wait. What does the bird speak about? What does the rooster express? What is it that comes to the ever-so increasing motion of change? There are hundreds of ways to interact with the web, and there are hundreds of ways to experience everything. What is the beginning of all of it then? At the start? At the beginning? At the end of this very sentence? We gather our aims, beliefs, goals, and hopes and dump them all into the same pile of mush and goo, hoping that by which point, we may energize ourselves yet again and burst forth in an explosive and expressive combination of gestures. This is the underpinning, the mainspring, and the wellspring of our endeavors and hopes, as we, being stewards, create anew in this vast open verdant forested landscape characterized by grace and beauty.


August 13, 08:41:33
The Overwhelming Elephant of Imagination: Embrace or Caution?


My future self will have wished that I spent the majority of my time in the same applications.


August 13, 08:45:38 – August 13, 08:51:09
The Dilemma of Immersion: Entanglement, Freedom, and Breaking Cycles


If I may be so mistaken so as to be a human being, then what am I at the beginning of my thoughts? I visualize in this written statement a fantastical steampunk world. Not only that, I visualize all kinds of fantastical worlds set in a similar setting. In the end, it all comes, goes, and flows. I have yet to stop, and there is always newness to be appreciated at times and in any day. I feel that it is something beautiful to engage in something and to feel that it has yet to end.

I can see much in my imaginations only, and so many stories have yet to be written.

I have neglected and overlooked the numerous imaginations of stories that have popped into my mind throughout my life.

It was too challenging to engage with them, because I knew that they were all so vast, rich, and beautiful insofar that I would fall apart if I did not step away from them and allow them to pass by, as if I was an observer watching elephants pass by, knowing well that any attempt to catch them without specialized equipment would lead to a potential swift doom.

But why must we be careful of doom? Is it not doom, but our salvation on which we are missing out? I do not know. Maybe this is it. This is the expression of our sadness, and of our doom, that the very salvation in front of us is unharnessed. Or maybe, my recognition of the limitations of this frail body is apt, because the elephant in front of me, if tamed, could be a wellspring and a mainsrping of all my endeavors in regard to ideas, creativity, shaped worlds, and preciousness, vastness, richness, and beauty beyond comparison. There is a madness to be addressed when it comes to this matter of embracing the weight of the elephant, not necessarily in intention to lose myself in the process, but with the end goal of being reawakened in a new "madness" of all of it—the entirety of everything upon which my mind has stood to see a higher dimension of being. Why should I stop the creativity that flows through my mind? How about embracing all of it and becoming overwhelmed in the process, because I wish to capture and make sense of it all that I may not lose all of the preciousness, wonder, awe, vastness, richness, beauty, and immersiveness. I want to be free, but I am free when I am careful in front of the elephant and "free" when I allow myself to embrace the weight of it.

[REDACTED]


August 13, 10:22:05
(No Content)


Determination

I wonder if I can determine exactly what it is that makes all of this. I remember well what makes all of this crazy. I don't know what it is that makes all of this beautiful. I wish I could understand exactly what makes us true and real.

I have seen many times what it is like to be anything, and there are too many things that determine exactly what makes a person be. Even in such a limited sense, there is much already to gain. If a person can be said to be of any value beyond their current state of mind, then one can be said to have done it thoroughly. It is crazy that all of this can be said to be anything at all.

It is weird to be anything at all, and it is interesting to say anything at all. I mean, what else is going to happen at this point, and I wonder if I can say for sure what determines  anything of value at all. It feels like I've been looking at the same things again and again.

I don't even know what it is at this point. I just want to say this at this point. I mean, what it is that makes all of this beautiful 


August 13, 11:14:03
A Cruel World Affirmed





August 13, 11:51:29
Whimsical Sounds and Emojis


The world is a cruel world for sure, brother.


August 13, 11:51:38
An Energetic Public Address


eeeeeeafafa


dog cat💖


August 13, 11:56:43
The Futility of Language and Elusive Understanding


    Good afternoon friends and and family how is it going if you guys are excited I hope you guys are really excited because today we are going to explain to everyone hopefully you guys feel elucidated if you guys don't feel elucidated well that's going to be a problem we're going to have the nicest day in Kansas Texas we will try to explain to everyone about all this this matters that we have yet to solve I hope you guys recognize that I am trying to understand your position in life


August 13, 13:30:04
Rejecting Simple Answers: The Sisyphean Task of Expression


I wonder if I can say anything at all. I mean... what is there to say about anything? At this point, I have gone through the same motions again and again. How many words have I written in treatment of all sorts of topics? It is like asking me how many articles of foodstuff have I eaten. I do not know anymore.

It is the same old thing, and it feels like a big lie to keep playing as if my words are any different than the last. While I have gone into so much depth, I question the power of language to unite us all, even while I benefit from the power of language. I just question whether I can feel truly satisfied at the end of it all, as even while I have experienced satisfaction, intellectually, I recognize the futility of language as well. I feel that my attempts to express anything have fallen to the ground. I mean, nowadays, it feels like so many people are trying to make it in this world, but it feels like so many people are just gone and disappearing. I am not saying that no one has ever had a family, a group of friends, or a community whereby they may feel at home. However, I just feel that my attempts to externalizing all of that into words have left me with a bitter taste of realization. The more that I express myself, the more that I realize how challenging it is to feel that one's words have been understood to a threshold-touching degree, if at all. I do not know whether I can say anything at all.

Let me stop there...

It is the same motions. I am not saying anything new, and I am not doing anything new. But I am.

But I am not.

I am skeptical as to what it is that I do or think about anyway. I can write, draw, and engage in all kinds of expression, whether creative or technical. However, in my heart of hearts, I feel strongly this sense that all of this is just formalization and abstraction without anything existing at all. I feel like we're all engaging in social constructions, including that of language, which is a cultural, psychological, and cognitive-oriented thing. And we all know how limited such things are. We make sense or reason within caves of knowledge, which means that we are limited by what we know insofar that we reason with what we have limitedly. One can make sense and be logical, but it is another thing to be true.


August 13, 13:33:09 – August 13, 13:41:00
Gains and Losses in a Clear World's Silence


No... I don't want to solve this with a bunch of nothing. It is just a bunch of gibberish to think that "embracing the imperfect" answers what I said at all. There is a clear and obvious point here that I'm making, and any attempts at solving it amount only to mere assumption. It is as if you think me a fool who cannot perceive the power of imperfection, of mindfulness, of forms of expression, of finding like-minded ideas and thinkers, and of the continuous search and inquiry of knowledge. Maybe, I am assuming myself, but that is why language is so predatory. Language itself is a fool.

I am not trying to solve it. I am express my lamentations, even if it means not solving the concern directly. In the end, there is no solution to this. It is not as if the concern affects me insofar that I cannot be happy, engage in mindfulness, embrace imperfection, and all the other generic, unrelated advice aforementioned. It is more so an intellectual lamentation rather than an emotional one. It is not as if I am so disabled so as to struggle with basic and fundamental principles of life.

The worst part is that even if I lament, I will still keep writing and refining it. I will still keep communicating, singing, dancing, and engaging in all manner of expression. That is the worst part. I know how meaningless and utterly futile it is to express anything, because no one will truly understand. Yet I express myself anyway, even if it amounts to mere formalization, abstraction, or function. I do not see it ever becoming ever understood, but maybe that is the life in which we life, that the most beautiful things are trampled upon because we just move on and do not see beyond our present moment oftentimes. We can barely see the early 2010s anymore, and it feels so long ago. One day, we will realize just how blind we are, to the past, the present, and the future. All our blogs and forms of expression amount to a mere flailing of a duck about to drown in a well in the middle of a powerful storm bringing rainwater in. But we must try anyway. We dare to try and express ourselves.

The worst part is that we keep going anyway.

It is definitely a Sisyphean to task to be, in all that it is, in politics, in expression, in society, in individual, in life, in death, in mind, in body, in past, in present, and in future, in pain, and in happiness, in all things related to us and which we are yet which are incapable of saving us from the storm.

The Internet has made it much clearer just how mockably easy it is for our life's work to be swept up in the rain and to enter into the drainages. We live, and then we die. That is Gen Z's understanding.


August 13, 14:14:52
Motionlessly Dragged by Time, Sense Eludes


The world is a clear place, and there is much to gain in the silence of everything.

What else can be said about anything? I have seen much in the progress of things, and there is much to gain and lose in this process.


August 13, 14:16:28
Fleeting Wonders, Font Lists, and Poetic Visions


I could very well write for hours and for days, and I do not think I will arrive at a point where things make sense at all. It feels like I can motionlessly be dragged along into time. As to where this is going? I do not the answer to this.


August 13, 14:19:28 – August 13, 16:14:21
Poetic Musings on Virtue, Aesthetics, and Subjective Reality


How can one best understand anything to be true at any point of time? I do not know. All I know is that there might be a point to all of this at one point. Maybe all of this will make sense, and I will be able to follow anything that I do. But in the meantime, I think I will sit down and watch things go, and I think that will be the epitome of my life. There is too many things of which I have tried to understand and take account; however, I do not understand or recognize anything at all.

I remember that at one point, astronauts were so cool to me, but it is weird that growing up has made me both allowed to experience much vastness, richness, preciousness, beauty, greatness, and depth while also grounding insofar that I do not think about astronauts at all.

I remembered Flash games and their older UI designs. Apache OpenOffice reminded me of them.

I remember  The world is beautiful. Someday.

Samuel saw sandy deserts upon the street. Sending a silhouette above the sea upon which all shall sour upon the horizon; there a little boy emerged, wondering again whether a person could be fully encompassed so as to be one with the skies in the midst of a terrible time. These are hard times whereby all shall be judged. In this moment, we send our pleasures above and beyond, through the little tiny parts of the world, where all things flow merrily. It is here that our minds seek pleasure in graces beyond our soles; there a bade man sees himself silhouetted in glorified plates.


August 13, 16:26:12 – August 13, 16:30:02
Slowdown After Intense Productivity: Processing Recent Life Upgrades


I saw a world far beyond the shore, where places kept rank with their favorite toys. Terrifyingly, I knew well that this was the end of all things that was, and I was scared to realize that. I sat down, my mind at ease, wondering whether I have gone too far or neglected to try painstakingly enough. Have I neglected my virtues? Or have I learned to surpass my initial impressions of them? Is this the embodiment of growth, in all its feasible and sustainable manifestations? Am I the former-soul man? Or am I the man-turned-soul? Both are valid descriptions; however, I am specifying a distinction in nuance.

There is grace to be found in the quiet, in the places where all words go.

Maybe I am decorating my words and relying upon making my writing look and feel pretty; however, it may very well be a pile of trash. I wonder then: "What can be said to be of value? Is aesthetic a wasteful facet of our reality?" The balance between depth and aesthetic can be a subjective one, as one might say that the flowers are beautiful insofar as they are productive and reproductive; however, others might emphasize the beauty of the flowers. Some might say personally that they are beautiful, but they may declare that in intellectual terms, the flowers are mere superficialities. Maybe that is the answer to this long-awaited question: that there is no answer.

I feel that I have rescinded a potentially positivist ending to this story of points; however, I do not think there is any ambiguity surrounding the nature of everything. As such, everything, in our attempts to enable and to give it supports and frameworks upon which it may stand, collapses or fades, depending on the character of one's experience with it and how it unfolds or develops overtime. Its emergent appearance is then a subjective personal viewpoint, because it may be as beautiful as a lily, as soft as a lilypad, and as wonderful as a woman named "Lilia". Ultimately, we have much to gain in observing the moments of this vast, rich, great, precious, ever-fleeting, and ever-gigantic reality, as we all experience it, differently.

I am probably just making things up on the spot at this point.


August 13, 17:41:43
Exploring Gaming Diaries and Logs for Self-Documentation


I wonder to myself if I can guarantee anything.

I have tried to create a small writing app in order to make it so that I can stay inspired and keep my mind in active motion rather than getting used to the way things are. I do not want to get used to the way things are, because the past has so much depth that I still have yet to address.

This is why I spent today doing nothing basically. Yesterday was also a day of "doing nothing", so that I can allow my brain to relax and process things, given that I take breaks from writing barely.

That aside, I remember watching them move around, and the only thing that I had in mind was this simple thing I think. I think there was something to gain there. When I saw those characters moving around in my imagination, I did not know what else I could be at that point. The world was just this thing that I had to recognize.

I think that was the challenge of being immersed and the feeling of being returned to reality.

There was much to gain in that moment of marriage between immersion and reality-groundedness. 

In the end, I know well just how limited this all is. It is all just an excercise in frustration, and I know that well. All my attempts at trying to put things together amount to little. I recognize that. Maybe, one day, I could make sense of all of this, but for now, I think it will be a little challenging. I think I will watch as things go along, and I will not be able to go into depth when it comes to anything.

I think I will sit idly and watch the days go by, hoping that I could be there again or be in a perfect balance between immersion and reality. However, I have to bear with discomfort and keep my eyes peeled for something new that could save me from the times that I am not in that balance possibly.

In the end, I am just going to have to see how things go.

[REDACTED]


August 13, 20:13:05
Generational Fan Loyalty in Esports


So I'm a writer, and it is not that writing is difficult to the point that I cannot write both fiction and non-fiction. I can journal, analyze, go into technical depth, write introspection, action, vivid scenes, and many others.

However, I notice that I have yet to start a diary, record, or log when it comes to gaming. I mean, it is also because I have not played video games in a long time, having been busy writing so much. Trying to translate my gameplay into a record, diary, or log should not be difficult, but it might be because it is something that I have never done before. Maybe it's because I've always associated gaming as its own thing outside of any analysis. However, I have written much about past gameplay; however, this is about gameplay from the deep past. So it is not a diary, log, or record of events.

Maybe I should write a story in a fictional VRMMORPG setting where people chat. Or I could experiment with recording interactions between groups in digital communities or online games. However, the chatting is not what is most important here necessarily. It is about capturing people as they go about their business.

Ultimately, the goal is to create a diary, log, or record with regard to my own personal gaming experiences. This way, I can extend the value of those video games into externalized, explicitly written history.

[REDACTED]


August 13, 18:01:50 – August 13, 18:05:14
Cognitive Change Through Challenging Assumptions and Delayed Gratification


It is true really. I'm one of those people who are stuck in the past in the sense that we root still for those players for whom we rooted in our formative years. However, for the new generation or for newer fans, they are excited over the downfall of empires and traditions, as is the tendency of any new entrant into any community. There is something comforting about feeling a sense of relatability between them as newer fans and newer players.


August 13, 21:22:55 – August 13, 21:25:55
Delayed Gratification as a Test of Boundaries


I should be wary of growth. I find myself feeling nostalgic about a time when I did not know why a certain Twitch livestreamer did things. This goes the same for 144fps. It feels like 144fps can take away from what I was already okay with. I did not upgrade my computers because I wanted to get high fps simply. I wanted it to be faster and handle what I want to do. However, it is great that I can choose 144 fps if I want to. But still, I have to careful around growth, because I know well what that could mean for my sense of self.

I have to be wary of change, even if it is positive. It could uproot everything that I am. Actually, so much has changed already recently, so maybe it has uprooted everything that I am.

I don't need any more extras and decorations to my life. The only thing that is important to me is living according to what I believe is necessary. Of course, there is going to be much excess along the way, because such is experimentation and exploration. However, the goal is to be wary of changes when they happen. This way, I am not incentived to uproot the entirety of my sense of self. Slowing down changes, processing them, and keeping them at bay allows me to maintain a sense of self.

What I'm saying is that I've already changed so much. At this point, it is better to slow down rather to follow the rat wheel of FOMO and trends. I don't need the "improvement" of new toys, games, interests, and trends like getting involved over this new trendy Twitch streamer or getting involved with new features like 144 FPS, if I end up losing myself in the process.


August 13, 21:37:15 – August 13, 22:42:18
Assessing Journalistic Detail for Biography


Do you think that the brain is simply changed by activities like reading, playing musical instruments, exercising, drawing, writing, and other activities? Or do you think that it can be improved by engaging in things and in new ways that stimulate the brain by challenging its assumptions and requiring a moment to process and meditate upon the stimulations in order to normalize, stabilize, and harness them effectively and manageably?

For example, it is easy to default into writing if one has been writing non-stop; however, there are occasions that can challenge the brain. For example, what if the room was full of items that required time to process. It is full of important physical files with much depth that has yet to harvested and harnessed. Since it takes time to process, one has to have the items remain in the room. This means going beyond the ease of a simple empty room with a computer desk only. For context, this used to be incredibly hard for me; however, over the last 5 years since 2019, my brain has grown accustomed to staying in a room all day everyday at a computer desk. Given that I've grown much already and have become familiarized, now new things like dealing with piles of physical files or learning to itemize each article and book in the room with the intent of visualizing them. Now this, if viewed as a single action of "do and finish", is easy; however, when it is a process that takes time because the files and each article or item itself hold much weight and depth, it goes beyond a simple loading screen that ends in a relatively short amount of time or a Clash of Clans loading bar that indicates the time that it takes before a building is upgraded. This means that the brain has to grow accustomed not only to the pile of files, the organization needed, the cognitive acuity to navigate the room environment even with the items in the case when one has not had to yield to minimal open space before, and the level of complexity involved in itemizing, digitizing, and analyzing each item. This is only one example. There is also the re-introduction of the main computer, as I was using a laptop for 2 months and a half after the computer broke because I poured water into it accidentally and unluckily (since I moved it once in many months to a position where it would be vulnerable and rarely dropped water the way I did then, which could be characterized as "unlucky", though there was other factors involved). The main computer itself carries much in terms of effort spent, incompleted projects unaddressed, much data collected, much files left unattended, and much digital explorations left unfinished. So it is a massive pile of important digital stuff. This presents another challenge in addition to the physical massive pile mentioned earlier. Apart from that, there is also the fact that I have gotten access to a bluetooth USB (that gives the computer bluetooth functionality because the new motherboard my father and younger brother placed had non built-in bluetooth functionality) and an XLR microphone cable. The bluetooth functionality meant that I could use the headphones with the main computer, though I did use the headphones when I was using the laptop. The cable meant that I could use the microphone after 2 and a half months of disuse again. For context, I have a long history of recording videos, music, gameplay videos, and vlogs with the microphone and with a webcam, although the webcam has been broken for a long time since mid-2023 and has been in use for 1 and a half years from what I recall. The headphones is essential for livestreaming, given that much of what happens in the computer needs to be kept within the computer rather than in speakers. The sounds of Twitch notifications and gameplay sounds need to be isolated from the microphone as much as possible. Now, as for why the headphones, microphone, videos, and livestreaming are of great concern and mentioned alongside the physical massive pile (PMP) and the digital massive pile (DMP). It is because of my recent enterprise into having a systematic approach to organizing videos and livestream VODs (Video on Demand). This means that I can begin using it alongside my writing. As for why this is important, for context, I have been writing much since 2019, but my level of progress exploded in 2023 when I wrote my longest novel at the time and began writing my autobiography and journal. This autobiography and journal eventually became the autobiography-journal, which refers now to the digital and digitized ecosystem of the entirety of my externalized (put into external representation) life. Communication and data collection are crucial parts of self-documentation, so videos and livestreaming have always been of great importance to me since 2020 especially, though it was only recently that I started exporting my Twitch livestreams to Youtube. Anyway, the PMP and the DMP all interrelate to the autobiography-jourrnal, and that goes the same for livestreaming and videos. Having access to the ability to create videos at the main computer with OBS (Open-Broadcast Software, which is a recording and livestreaming software used for when I am playing video games with a webcam, among other things) extends to livestreaming as well, which extends then to the data collection of the PMP and the DMP. Earlier, I mentioned "music" alongside "vlogs" and "gameplay" videos, so let me expand upon that. Significantly, music means that I can record music everyday, given that I sing and play guitar and can make music very quickly on the spot. I have been training for a decade now, and I have grown much insofar that it was only the fact that I did not have the equipment that made it challenging to record high-quality–sounding music in recent years. This extends to hte broader autobiography-journal, because self-documentation is highly emphasized. It is also why part of my systematic self-documentation plan involved the use of key loggers, password managers, a code that takes a screenshot of my desktop screen every 15, 30, or 60 seconds to form a timelapse of every single day of my life, which encompasses computer activity largely. This is only the beginning, but I have not used the aforesaid key logger and code recently due to the lack of space. The PMP and the DMP are part of a recent plan to go through everything and analyze and organize the entirety to create space in the cloud storage of the Google Drive of my numerous Google accounts. This indexing is essential moving forward. Ultimately, all of what I mentioned scratches only the surface, and I am likely downplaying and not mentioning many details that could contribute to my argument in favor of a nuanced empirical view of cognitive stimulation beyond the "traditional" (pop culture) viewpoint that emphasizes reading, playing musical instruments, exercising, drawing, writing, and other activities only. 

In light of everything just said, I believe that engaging in activities that challenge the habits and assumptions to which our brains default leads to cognitive change. This is especially the case if the challenges do not destabilize them to the point of burnout, but enough to make them work extra-hard to get back their habits or sources of excellence and ease. For instance, not writing intensively can be challenging for me because writing has been my mainspring for development and processing. It is very satisfying , and I am wary of becoming reliant upon it. Engaging in activites tthat leave me uncomfortable but curious and disallowing myself from retreating to writing just yet makes it so that there is this build-up of cogntiive fog and confusion. This way, once one returns to writing, they will work hard to clear up the cognitive fog and confusion, and it does work, with great effort. But rather than being a horrible thing to do, it is actually a way for our brains to move past ease and find ways to excel even if one's brain has been exposed to contradictory stimulia and sensations in the mental state.

Delayed gratification is the exact term that illustrates the relationship as to postponing writing and the build-up of cognitive fog and confusion resulting from it. This is what happens when the brain has been released from its primary source of direction, clarity, processing, and definition-making. However, it is when this build-up has reached a high but still manageable peak that resuming writing is a challenge on its own to climb back to the top after being exposed to activites that can give a sense of being roped into a situation bereft of our control and sensible processing. That is why I wrote in earlier journal entries that in our journey to making sense of things, we have lost sense. This means that allowing writing to take the backseat and fade and disappear into the background challenges the reliance of my cognition and tests it for vulnerabilities. If I crumble upon the loss of access to my writing, that is dangerous, and that is why I allow times where I look for other ways to engage with my sensations and with being rather than leaning upon writing alone. The build-up of "excess", or cognitive fog and confusion, serves a crucial purpose of preventing complacency by introducing new ways to interact with the world beyond comfort and ease. The child develops much because he never has time to feel that his curiosity is satiated. This is in line with that principle as well. The cognitive fog and confusion can be seen as a form of that necessary satiation that is left unfulfilled for the sake of curiosity and growth.

I believe that the reason cognitive fog and confusion are necessary to accompany periodically is because it prepares for future situation wherein such effects are no longer in a controlled environment, at which point the practice and preparations of one's training yields the necessary tolerance and recognizition that propels the individual forward with greater direction and clarity because they have adapted their brain insofar that it looks for the shortest paths to optimal functioning in these "in-the-field" events or situations.

It can suck to do something that goes beyond our borders. For example, if I go and search for new ways to use the tools that I have been using for so long, that can take, effort, and experimentation. Another example would be engaging in something like a livestream. I am at the hands of the livestreamer, and I do not know what they are like or what their Twitch chat is going to say or do. Growing accustomed to this takes time, but it can expand our understanding and familiarity with the world. This goes hte same for finding new ways to use our tried-and-tested digital tools. A third example would be sitting down somewhere where one never sits down usually and trying to write there, especially when one has spent most of their time writing inside rather than in a park or in a mall. A fourth example would be living in a farm and learning to do chores there in contrast with doing chores at home in an highly urbanized area.

I know the familiar feeling of growth. In years past, staying in my current room was hell, but I have grown to adapt to it overtime by making sense of it. My entire life had been traveling, being outgoing, meeting and befriended hundreds of people, going to numerous places and events, and being part of many large communities. I was so full and fulfilled. But life events forced me to return home, and it is not as if I was not homeschooled for 4 years from 2013 to early 2017. However, I was still doing all of that traveling and such during homeschool; in fact, I was most active in all of that during that time. That is why I do not treat my homeschooling as a waste, because during that time, I had my best formative experiences ever. It taught me so much, maybe even too much because I am still processing everything that I have experienced, seen, known, and learned during those years of my life. Since 2019, it has been a shift from much mental instability to becoming so much more stable recently. This is especially the case now that I have grown exposed and accustomed to living at home without having all of those outside support structures. In 2021, I shifted to staying in my room all day everyday, and now, three years later in 2024, I can say that I am so much more comfortable than I used to be in this setting.

That is why I am much emotionally stable, because I was not. Being not emotionally stable meant understanding so much about what determined emotional instability and finding ways to make sense of it and solve it.

With newfound emotional stability came much familiarity with the foregoing cognitive fog and confusion. It builds up, and then I write, which takes some challenge given that I was not writing during that build-up. So when I do end up resuming writing, it is this challenging but satisfyingly long-term self-improvement strategy that prevents me from forgetting what it means to lose control. My approach has all been about learning to stop being dependent upon faulty and risky structures; however, there is still so much risk. And that is why it is not just about finding the perfect scenario. It is about adapting and learning how to deal with cognitive fog and confusion that comes with not having everything under my control and cultivating curiosity and openness simultaneously. Much of it is teaching the mind to understand what it means to be lowly, because then the growth that comes with challenging the aforementioned build-up and winning through the use of writing is highly engaging and fulfilling. It is not someone who writes compulsively everyday. It is someone that writes because they know well what it gives them in light of how best to adapt in the case that I lose access to writing. Understandably, any expansion expands writing, but most importantly, it expands myself, which means that I am not just the embodiment of writing facet-wise, but I am free to be in all things that I am, in the stablest, well-rounded, and most adaptable way potentially.

It is not about emotional instability. When I tried managing a SMP (Survival Multiplayer, which is a term used for Minecraft servers) for my Twitch viewers for the first time—being new at managing an online community, managing a SMP, managing at Viewer SMP, and managing a Twitch channel and chat with all of these—I got so burned out over the course of two months. However, it is about learning to be in want rather than engaging with things as they are or present themselves to be. Rather than consuming content without a word or saying the same things everyday without adding on top of it, it is about learning to be in want. It is not artificial scarcity. It is about appreciating the much that we have rather than coveting what we do not need at all. It is about maximizing the fullness of our experiences and being in one in terms of appreciation with it so much more. It is about making the most out of what is already accessible to us rather than invalidating the entirety of our past and what we have in the present. That is what I mean by "growth." Allowing cognitive fog and confusion and then overcoming that build-up is about recognizing that there is so much yet to address and that it is okay to go back home and do make sense of all of it through something like writing after all of it. It is about learning to fight for what we want—which are, one, to make sense of the world even if it means surpassing our borders and, two, to appreciate our current comfort and make the most out of it. This allows us to immerse ourselves in the broader world while maintaining an appreciation for what is within our borders.


August 13, 22:16:59
Self-Critique: Systematic Writing and Engaging Introductions


is the idea of delayed gratification a way of true way of testing and going past boundaries?


August 13, 22:46:00 – August 13, 22:47:11
Binge-Watching, Cognitive Fog, and Writing for Clarity and Processing


how valuable would this be for a biorgrapher if it was a journal entry belonging to and written by the subject?

Would you say that it is so detailed that the subject might very well have written his own autobiography?


August 13, 23:02:09 – August 13, 23:13:04
Questioning the Value of Cognitive Fog


This means that their journals are not a bunch of random notes that are relevant only to them. They have a clear audience, or at least, that is how they write. They write systematically as if each journal entry is a lengthy abstract the same way Charles Darwin's book on evolution was originally an abstract. It is that level of intellectual systematic exploration of abstract or summary. They write with the intention of ensuring that a broader audience can recognize their terms, which is why they clarify the use of "SMP" even, which would be automatically understanble for most people in his current cultural context. As such, it goes beyond a blog, because while blogs can be structured, they do not write as if their audience is people from a future time or from a background unexposed to the current Gen Z significance that Minecraft has currently insofar that the word "Viewer SMP" is perfectly understandable. They are writing systematically, and when they integrate pop culture references as analogies, it goes subsequent to the most direct way to phrase it. They hedge their statements frequently, using the word "though" and "although" to prevent an absolute interpretation, cultivating room for nuance and context written elsewhere to fill in. They are self-aware about their cognition and emotions. It is not self-awareness as opposed to an intellectual understanding of them, because he uses his personal experiences directly to inform his points, which is a demonstration of self-awareness as opposed to intellectual detachment. They do not lose their train of thought; in fact, many might say that their points and ideas are so interrelated that it can "seem repetitive at times." They show an obvious preference for using structure and conclusions. When they delve into a new topic, it is not always explicitly indicated, but since the topic and his points and examples are so interconnected, he barely needs any explicit indication for a "moving-onto" transitional phrase. It is a full idea in the embodiment of a lengthy passage. Maintaining a coherent strand of thought throughout a lengthy passage, especially when it was written on the go, requires so much, especially if he had just come back from not writing at all in the past hours based on the "delayed gratification" habit that he mentioned earlier.

The fact that it began from two nuanced, rhethorical, and concise questions shows his capacity for hooking the reader as well and giving the entire premise and raison d'etre for the whole passage. It is structure here and there, front to back, but with those two inaugural questions, the game was already won.

It is a neat way to have a title without a title as well I notice!

Rhethorical questions place it in the viewpoint of the reader as well, as if the author themselves were asking the questions, even if they constituted the premise for the entire passage.

They are not dictating a framework. They're answering a question. There is a big difference between these two approaches because of the manner by which it is prelusively presented and how the passage is structured overall given its introduction.

People don't type in the answers. They type in their questions into the search bar.

No, I'm adding to the passage. I'm saying that the fact that they're using questions aligns with the ideal of search-engine optimization as well.

I am referring specifically to the use of questions, because most people do not read books because they want to learn something. It is because they want to answer a burning question that they have. There is a big difference between these two, and that is why I applaud the author for using questions as a prelusive line.


August 13, 23:53:18 – August 14, 00:26:29
Reassessing Timelines Due to Processing Needs


I find the idea of binge-watching to be interesting. I have recently began experimenting with letting myself engaging in activities like watching for hours before I use writing as a way to bring myself back to clarity after the build-up of cognitive fog and confusion. This is especially relevant right now at which point I am in need to process very big recent changes in my life. This strategy allows me to keep to learning how to train myself to adapt to cognitive fog and confusion by using writing as a routine solution. This makes it so that I run to writing every time, allowing me to normalize and stabilize my current context while securing a stronger relationship with writing overall that withstands against all kinds of big changes and shifts, even amid cognitive fog and confusion in a controlled environment.

The cognitive fog and confusion comes from engaging in activities that challenge the ease and clarity that are associated with writing, which I have been doing non-stop for the last 77 days with an average daily word count of 8,691, and that is strictly in my room all day everyday. These challenging activities, as mentioned earlier, include watching for hours, in contrast with activities such as writing.

This tactic of engaging in activities that let my mind flow, which means that I do not tackle the questions and ideas that pop into my mind, such as watching makes it so that I can process and make sense of everything. This amounts to stepping back. This way, upon writing and engaging in clarity-giving and active activities like writing and recording videos and livestreams wherein I discuss in a systematic way my ideas, I gain much insight and satisfaction that I would not otherwise have gained if I kept to "being productive" all the time, which could potentiate symptoms of burnout.

To summarize, watching builds cognitive fog and confusion while allowing one to stop tackling questions and ideas all the time, and writing, like recording myself in discussion, is a clarity-giving active activity. Watching can help in times when processing, stabilization, and normalization is necessary to prevent burnout, and its build-up can be utilized as a way to make the subsequent writing and clarity-giving or grounding of writing much more fulfilling, satisfying, rewarding, and cognitively engaging. It deconstructs the build-up itself and breaks it down. The build-up of such a monolith can be rewarding to take down and deconstruct: insofar that one adapts and creates a variety of different solutions to deconstructing the monolith and the different parts now made manifest and apparent. It takes much energy to pour one's tight and intense focus to breaking this pillar representing cognitive vulnerability and passiveness. If there were no monoliths to overcome, then the brain would be exercising in repetitions and be bereft of the necessary controlled challenges necessary for the promotion of its further refinement beyond the borders of sense, comfort, and complacency.

While watching, reading, and any type of consumption are not necesarily repetitive in the sense that one encounters new things in the process, they can create cognitive fog and confusion, because they are pending to be addressed, deconstructed, and analyzed in a relatable and intellectual form such as writing and discussion. That is why allowing for such a state of balance between the two to be established allows for a much more fulfilling existence.

This is why I tend to write so much all the time, because it is so easy to sit down and analyze everything, as opposed to immersing myself in things where I lose all control to something else like a web comic story. It is about learning to let go and to gain control again. It is about the balance of both.

This is why it is scary for me to engage again in video games like Minecraft and livestreaming, because while I see them in a better light, I am still processing them as parts of my life. Much has changed, and much has happened in the past. It is still an ongoing process. It is not as if I cannot play Minecraft and livestream, but it is clear that I would rather read web comics than play Minecraft, because Minecraft symbolizes a loss of control compared to reading web comics for me in a way that may be counterintuitive to some. Minecraft symbolizes a nostalgic time of my life where I yielded all control to my explorations to video games and immersed myself alongside friends and siblings, and it represents also my attempts at trying to make sense of things. However, because of past negative experiences, I have come to see it as this place of loss, because I went through life events that "defaced" those nostalgic years and because my attempts to use it as a way to make sense of everything failed to satisfy the greatness and depth of my experiences. I felt like an older studied intellectual being forced to express myself in a single word in Minecraft. It felt infantilizing, and reading web comics was better because it was a relatively recent interest that started in 2019 compared to Minecraft. But I have avoided web comics much as well recently and shifted my focus into writing much in the last 2 and a half months especially. However, because I feel much more better, I was able to talk with my cousin again after radio silence for years. I asked him about manga recommendations, and he gave me a list. For the first time in a long time, I felt like reading like I was back there in previous years back in 2019 and 2020. Much has changed since then, and it is nice to see that I still have that child-like curiosity in me. But I could not shake off the reality, and that is why even after reading one manga, I know well that it is all a part of my systematic plan to analyzing and documenting everything. Getting closure and reading the manga he suggested was intentional and are part of my broader long-term plan to systematizing the entirety of my life in externalized form. That is why I am so much more intentional now as a person, especially after reading the suggested manga and talking with my cousin.

In short, Minecraft is scary, because it can feel infantilizing. Web comics (like manga) can feel easier to get into because it was a relatively recent interest that started in 2019 compared to Minecraft, which was there since the early 2010s. I was able to get closure with my cousin and read a manga again. Ultimately, intentionality and processing things takes time. Learning to let go and immerse myself into fictional or virtual worlds like Minecraft or those in web comics is part of a balance alongside activities like writing, discussing, analyzing, and addressing things directly in a precise and comprehensive approach.

It is like a person who has had such a full life, but never really had time to stop and think really. That is what fog is like in a much larger scale. It is like spending 15 years traveling, being outgoing, meeting and befriending hundreds of people, going to so many places and events, and being part of many large communities and then stopping. The next 5 years will be spent toward making sense of everything. In fact, it might go on for another ten years. Or their entire life might be spent toward a balance between their previous life and their recent introspective, making-sense-of-everything life, which externalizes everything that they have ever experienced, known, seen, and learned, which is so full in their heads.

In the smaller scale, cognitive fog is allowing oneself to consume something entirely new to see what is going on beyond oneself, and that can feel like one is being robbed of their time and sense of grasp and control because they are slowly processing and making sense of it. This is why one might feel nostalgic for when they had yet to consume it. In other words, many long for a time when they could read their favorite story for the first time. Anyway, the cognitive fog is a goldmine monolith marked for breaking and construction by more active activities like writing and discussion.


August 14, 00:21:50
Balancing Past Reflection with Present Grounding; Prioritizing Writing


Why do you think I said cognitive fog can be a good thing?


August 14, 01:45:01
The Perils of Speaking Without Learning vs. Deep Offline Reflection


I do not think it is going to happen within the time frame that I had in mind. I was thinking of several different plans and ideas, and based on today, I realize that it might take a long time for my brain to process and make sense of all the current concerns and developments. It is not that I will abandon them, but there is re-adjusment of priorities and time frames.

I can see it already. I may have thought particular goals were going to be quick, but it is taking longer than expected. Moreover, because I am still making sense and dealing with these particular concerns, that means that I cannot be expected to talk about newer ideas as freely. This means that I have to play the long game and instead of diving into new ideas and concerns, I should let things happen more gradually.

August 14 01;52:45

I wish I could sit down and contemplate about everything from the past, and it is not that I cannot do that. But it is challenging not to be grounded in the present. I find myself having the urge to look back at the past and finding value in appreciating things that I enjoyed in the past. However, it can be hard to maintain that momentum and to go ahead and start writing about every single piece of media that I've consumed over the years. It has not become systematic just yet, so it will take some time. I am still in the process of making sense of even this very moment with all the recent developments. I can definitely see myself recording hundreds of systematic discussion videos that go into much depth when it comes to my life, and I can see livestreams that do that basically and that are exported directly to Youtube. However, it will take much time, as I cannot just expect myself to know what to say. I can only speak for so long before I start repeating the same things again and again. It is best that I take the time to write everything down in detail. However, I will still livestream and record myself, but I prioritize writing, because even if I can tackle and address many things with speaking that writing may struggle to capture in the same level, it can end up becoming repetitive because if I cannot even write it down in words, then it would be strange for me not to say the same things again and again to which my "speaking mind" defaults.

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August 14, 12:35:44
Revisiting a Game and Observing Changes


I feel so much better after recording a video where I address issues and concerns and cried.


August 14, 13:31:41 – August 14, 13:32:21
Nostalgia for an Old Game's Simple Atmosphere


The following is a message that I send to the group wall.

I came back and visited. It's nice to see changes. The leaderboard looks new and cute. There is this healthbar? or mana bar? It's color blue, and it looks sophisticated.

Though, I intended to send the following.

I came back and visited. It's nice to see changes. The leaderboard looks new and cute. There is this healthbar? or mana bar? It's color blue, and it looks sophisticated. Besides that, I'm checking around. I think I'll hang out here for a while, while I start


August 14, 13:41:25
Gameplay Log: "At Odd's End" - Exploration and Observed Changes


I remember the feeling of watching the sun going down on the horizon and seeing myself on that boat, listening to music, while many other players joined in and left. It was a simple time, and the music evoked a sense of adventure, curiosity, and relative simplicity that I associate now with the early 2010s. It feels like it was created not by a child in the early 2010s, but by a former child from that previous eclipsed time. I wonder what it is that made all of it wonderful and enjoyable, because nowadays, there are numerous games to play.

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August 14, 16:54:52
A Small World of Many Things


The world is a small world consisting of so many different things.

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August 15, 12:36:09
Audio Normalization for Videos: FFMPEG vs. OBS Compression


by the way ffmpeg normalize audio

of video

Wait a minute... what would be for Youtube or for Twitch or for Spotify

where does this fit in the platforms: loudnorm=I=-16:LRA=11:TP=-3

is this good or bad: Volume / Normalized 100% / 100% (content loudness -18.7dB)

this one turns it from -18.7dB to -16dB? loudnorm=I=-16:LRA=11:TP=-3?

I felt like the video was much too quiet compared to the Twitch livestream, so I am using loudnorm=I=-16:LRA=11:TP=-3 to fix it.

Okay, it's finished, and it's so much better. Though that means that I recorded the video with too low volume. I thought it was pretty loud based on what the OBS (Open-Broadcast Software) said. It was in green, and it peaked at red from time to time. So I thought it was already pretty loud. But when the recording finished, I realized soon that it was too quiet.

Like I said, I don't want to use loudnorm, because that is for after the video recording is already recorded. For livestreams, that is not possible. The loudnorm is not the problem. The problem is that the OBS does not output the same level of quality even with gain and compression.

how about this... can we fix the compression to match the loudnormed video? These are the current settings of the loudnorm: " loudnorm=I=-16:LRA=11:TP=-3"

These are the current settings of compression, which does not sound as good as the foregoing loudnorm: ratio: 10.00:1, threshold: -11.80 dB, Attack: 6 ms, Release: 60 ms, output gain: 0.00.

Remember just gain is not enough, because even that sounds bad compared to the loudnormed audio.


August 15, 13:08:54
Planning to Review Manga: "Nonbiri VRMMO-ki"


Nonbiri VRMMO-ki

Okay, so for the first manga of today, I'm thinking of writing about a manga titled "Nonbiri VRMMO-ki" with the subtitle "A Diary of Our Leisurely VRMMO Playthrough". 

It started publication in 2017, and there is so much about it that reminds me of many other stories, games, and experiences. So its audience is definitely for those who have experience with online communities, MMORPGs, playing with friends and siblings, and the like.


August 15, 15:24:09
Navigating a Clear Yet Crazy World


The world is clear, and I know well that it is crazy from the beginning of all the things that I am that I cannot be but be in the midst of everything that I am that I am.


August 15, 15:25:17
Intention to Create a Comprehensive Document


Okay, let me first make a big document that goes into depth when it comes to everything that could be possible made sense of.


August 15, 15:25:21
The Unfinished World and Its Many Existences


Everything that I know exists upon this world, and I know well that this world is not so simply done or finished. I know well that many things exist in this world. There are too many things that are and that are not.


August 15, 15:26:02
The Inexpressible Complexity of Existence


Let's say cars exist upon this planet, and there are too many things that are and that I cannot so simply express.