The Blue Dress | Ramblings

Written from November 3, 2018 to December 23, 2018, 50 days

Volume 1 - I

Blue Dress

(Nov. 3, 2018) Hi, my name is Samuel. I just want to say this: the just shall live by faith. Right now, there's a person I have already committed to having a relationship with. I'm waiting for April. I will see her at an event. We're not together yet, but I'm hoping that what happened during another event held this year was not me imagining things. Our eyes locked on. Actually, it was more like we stared at each other from time to time. Yeah, this is what I saw, but I'm still unsure if it was just me or not. What if she already has a boyfriend? What if she was looking at someone else? What if she was trying to be friendly? We were at a very large arena. I was sitting at the court. She was there...on the stage. Singing with her other choir buddies. I tell you. This is what you call faith— believing that even after 7 months of not seeing each other and the possibly wide age gap we may have. Who knows what will happen 6 months from now? I prepare myself now for both success and disappointment. Let Your will be done.

Volume 1 - II

Ambitions

(Nov. 8, 2018) Hey, it looks like my birthday is coming up this January 20, 2018. What do I have in mind? I have actually been pretty sad that it's almost my birthday. I have a desire to be really good at my talents before 20 years old. I also want to be better morally and spiritually. I don't want to find myself regretting. I want to give my best. I pray I will do it all for God. Time flies so quickly (cliche phrase). Well, the future is unclear. This good though, for the just live by faith. School is coming back 2 days from now (Just came from sembreak), and I'm pretty bummed (Did I spell it right?). To be honest (Mom tells me not to say that, but I already wrote it.)...or I mean...to be frank, I haven't done any progress on my homework (four PACE's and 5 days of no classes? 😌). Well, who knows what will happen until school year ends. It has been decided that I'll be transferring to homeschool. I will also be enrolling at a Bible school near our 2nd church, — — — — —. Secretly, I'm hoping that if she and I become—you know—together. I can enroll in a Bible school (boarding school?) near her... or with her. I think she lives far from me. So—you know—I can love...I mean live... near her.

Volume 1 - III

Stress

(Nov. 8, 2018) Question yourself. What stresses you out the most? School—time that it demands. No time for emotional venting out. I do vent out...but I do it in the wrong way. That is also the reason why I'm being transferred to homeschool. I tell you (I think I got this phrase from one of my teachers). In school, negativity is everywhere. A group of emotionally unstable and problematic teenagers in one room 8 to 9 hours a day. I don't want to look back and remember those depressed days. I don't want to feel the pain and anxiety. I enjoy staying and working hard for God through the things I enjoy doing—my talents. The growth of the first church does encourage me. This is especially prominent during the concert titled "Out of The Grave". I want to work (I wouldn't call it work) harder now my talents because there are people I want to fight for. I want to be better not just for them but for God too, but the goodness of the Lord in the church helps me. I titled this block "Stress", because I have to trust in God and push myself throughout this school year of stress, anxiety, and self-pity. I want to believe God for more though. He can do it again. I ask God for confidence and faith. I also want to be spiritually mature and humble. Now I want to be flexible. If she is not the one for me, God's will be done. I let go and let God do what He pleases. He knows best.

Volume 1 - IV

Love

(Nov. 8, 2018) No matter what happens...even if she doesn't become mine, help me Lord to love her either by letting her go or being her partner. We've got a lot of issues that Lord I pray you will help us all with.

Volume 1 - V

God

(Nov. 8, 2018) Lord I don't want to do all this for others and myself but forgetting You. Lord, I really want to be better. Lord, let me a living sacrifice for Your glory! Take my hand and lead me to Your light. Make me new day by day!

Volume 2 - I

Shortened

(Nov. 7, 2018) I didn't think I'd be writing so quickly after my last block of personal thoughts. Oh my, I'm starting to get formal now. Okay... I just remembered. God, you make me feel like there is no one like You. You make me feel hopeful again. I will eagerly wait for Your 2nd coming. I will also wait for her. Help me to live. By the way, I'm homeschooling now.

Volume 2 - II

Yey!

(Nov. 12, 2018) In the Bible, self-righteousness or basing worth in one's achievements is pride of life, one of the 'of the world' things appearing with lust of the eyes and lust of the flesh in some verse of the Bible. A few moments ago, I recorded a cover of "Thinking Out Loud" by Ed Sheeran, and I feel good about it. I pray that I will be grateful and boastful of God's goodness. I don't want this to be a 'pride cometh before a fall' situation. Actually, right now, I want to sleep. Thank you Lord! Woohoo! P.S. I need to finish my P.A.C.E's!

Volume 2 - III

Ache

(Nov. 13, 2018) Psalm 38 and 91 are the two chapters of my devotion today. Psalm 38 is about David longing for God to have mercy despite having sinned. Psalm 91 is about trusting in God as our secret place, refuge, and fortress. My tommy was aching while I was writing the last lines. I'm Gold 1 in League of Legends right now with 79 LP.

Volume 2 - IV

Harder

(Nov. 19, 2018) Just last night, I checked M's profile. She wrote on her bio, "Are you mine? :(" I immediately guessed that it was me. So I wrote a 'sorry' note on my bio and liked one of her posts so she could see it. I don't know if it was me or not; I don't know if she saw my note or not, but I do feel bad. I know the pain of hoping like that and getting disapponted. It was my fault for giving hints that I liked her (which is true), but I already decided in myself that I would pursue "her". Right now, I just want to hug M and tell her that everything's going to be all right. I feel pretty remorseful and selfish since I'm not industrious. I want to be better. I wrote on my bio this morning, "I hope everything works out."

Volume 2 - V

Blueberry Cake

(Nov. 22, 26, 2018) Oh look! It's Thursday!Raindrops are racing down to touch the ground. ... (Skip to Nov. 26) Heyyyy! Welcome back guys! My name is Samuel, and today, we're going to be doing some PACE's! I am enjoying life tonight (without a girlfriend)! I hope this will last! I thank God for his continuous goodness! He is very patient with me. Now, I am happy. I got better in music. There are so many opportunities! Thank you Lord! Give me faith! I know I can't do this alone. Let Your will be done!

Volume 3 - I

Faithful

(Nov. 29, 2018) I was just staring at coffee products a while ago. Some of the crew at this coffee place were just recording a video about one of them explining the products. It's really hard not to smile when you see someone attractive. I want to stay faithful to my commitment. I'm really sleepy and I really want to lie down at home. I need to rest. It's so cold here. Brrrrrr..

Volume 3 - II

Hearth

(Dec. 2,2018) I got the title of this block from the vocabulary builder app that I downloaded about a week ago. I believe another meaning of hearth is "the heart of a home". I'm coming back from a 2-nights-2-days-stay at — house. I really miss my daily home schedule—Music, playing strategy games, and doing my have-to-do's. I want to do more though. Let Your will be done. :)

Volume 3 - III

Not a day

(Dec. 5, 2018) It's almost as if there is not a day where I don't wonder why I should keep going on. I feel like a failure. I don't know how else except to not give up. I feel like trash. I'm so lazy and unproductive. Come back to tell me that there's hope.

Volume 3 - IV

I don't know

(Dec. 12, 2018) Stuck between two people. Confused and anxious. I don't know what to do. All I can do is pray and trust that everything will work out. I want to be better. Let Your plans take over my life. I hope.

Volume 3 - V

Monster

(Dec. 18, 2018) I'm a monster... Aren't I? Or do I see the light at bay? Coming towards me?

Volume 4 - I

All

(Dec. 23, 2018) All I want to do is to do Your will. I'm excited for what you have for me... but just get me through this... Please. Composing songs, Writing stories, Making games, Getting fit, Living the life You wanted for me That's what I want. I don't want to forget God.

Volume 4 - II

"Same"

(Dec. 23, 2018) A song about having waited for her and hoped in God. B | E - C#m B2 | E/G# - D#m F# | E | B F# | E | B2 G#m | F# | E | C#m7 All I have starting today I won't let go no matter what I'll live life like He wanted me to I won't let pain take me down And if my heart starts to break up in two Lord, just stitch 'em back together Oh I never really thought that the world was small enough for me to have you The number of the times I thought that I should just give you up I just want to love like never before Breath in breath out take your stand and fight I'll live life like He wanted me to I won't let pain take me down And if my heart starts to break up in two Lord, just stitch 'em back together Oh I never really thought that the world was small enough for me to have you The number of the times I thought that I should just give you up Oh such love I want to give you without hesitating I don't want to let this be another broken promise Take these words I say and remember that I won't let you go Tell me you'll do the same

Volume 4 - III

"Same"

(Dec. 31, 2018) Now's the night before 2019. It's a good thing God did not leave me drowning in remorse. We're at — —'s house. We came from — —. Experiencing the peace of nature, understanding our history, and just plain longing for home. Someone came and sat beside me, and told me that I should be a doctor... Huh. Presumptiously, I imagined finishing high school and heading over to experience and finish at college. I planned about going to Bible School. My brain is confused. What should I do?...Let Your will be done. By the way, I started an Instagram account for music. I have 4 posts now. Maybe I should just upload at Instagram muna since it doesn't take too long to upload. Girlfriend? I have no clue. God is the One behind the scenes. I'm also making a story called Gregar. It's a fantasy world that I'm still thinking how it's going to be.